SOMALI CULTURE, MARRIAGE, WEDDING - EP 14 ｜｜ BITTER TRUTH SHOW
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
211.20543
Hate Speech Sentences
103
Summary
In this episode, we talk about interracial marriage in Somali culture and how it affects the culture of the Somali community. We also talk about the difference between Somali women and Somali men when it comes to the concept of a Somali wedding.
Transcript
00:00:00.000
Can I just say, I think it's interesting that you have this approach now.
00:00:04.380
I came across a video of you where you was talking about interracial marriage in such a degrading and denigrating manner.
00:00:13.920
And the song goes something like, brock off your back, brock off your back.
00:00:18.240
Okay, so this is for all of the Somali community.
00:00:21.240
I've let them know that I was coming on and they wanted to know,
00:00:24.660
and they believe that you have something against the Somali community, in particular the Somali women.
00:00:31.040
So can you answer this, Ali? Because this is literally what they want to know.
00:00:35.000
It's called the tadobah. So this is the seven-day period where the woman and the husband don't leave their home.
00:00:41.100
So the food is brought to them. They don't do anything. So this is the honeymoon period.
00:00:45.900
People have this mentality today. If my wedding is not trending on social media, I didn't have a wedding.
00:00:51.080
Promise her the world. Lie to her, lie to her. And then when you actually get married to her and you've got her, now present your truth.
00:00:57.200
When it comes to Somali weddings, yeah? Inappropriate clothing style, free mixing.
00:01:02.580
I mean, it's like you are attending a nightclub or a music festival.
00:01:06.560
I think as much as we're lenient with divorce in comparison to other communities, we're also frown upon it as well.
00:01:12.240
There are people that are still very, very strong in their qabeel and they're like, we're not going to marry this qabeel, we're not going to marry that qabeel.
00:01:19.780
If a woman is not sexually satisfied, she has a right to divorce.
00:01:25.380
Be patient on your husband, you know, regardless of what he does. That same level of sort of advice.
00:01:33.280
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00:02:14.260
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh, brothers and sisters and dear friends.
00:02:24.140
Before I start, I want to praise Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, the most merciful, the most just, all praises, glory and gratitude belong to him.
00:02:30.900
As you guys can see, we are here talking on a variety of topics.
00:02:39.060
And I thought it would be very intriguing because I want to know about different cultures.
00:02:41.740
So we thought, you know, why don't we do, you know, and we didn't oppose.
00:02:45.220
So we said, Bengalis, Jamaicans, Somalis and Moroccans.
00:02:50.100
So number one was Moroccans, then it was Bengalis and then it was Somalis.
00:02:55.060
But then what happened is the Bengalis didn't really apply that much.
00:03:00.740
So we're here today and some Moroccans cancelled.
00:03:05.080
It was going to have a Moroccan episode, but it got cancelled because people say they turn up and they don't turn up.
00:03:10.120
But it's fine because from now on, I'll be implementing 50 pound deposits, which means you're paying 50 pounds.
00:03:15.120
And if you come on the day, I'll be giving you your money back.
00:03:17.260
If not, inshallah, I'll be giving it to Sadaqah.
00:03:20.520
So in a nutshell, today's episode, I'm really excited because the community, for example, we're going to be talking about the Somali culture.
00:03:28.440
I want to know everything about the Somali culture.
00:03:30.760
OK, because there's a lot of like, for example, my Quran teachers are Somali.
00:03:36.160
So in a nutshell, as you guys know the rules, so there's the bitter buzzers.
00:03:40.280
I don't think this is an episode where we're going to debate.
00:03:43.840
It's just going to be a topic where we will just be talking.
00:03:46.200
But if you disagree with whoever it may be, you press the buzzer and you have one and a half minute.
00:03:50.360
Nobody can interrupt you and you'll have your say.
00:03:52.740
So the first question is basically in a nutshell, because we want to know about your culture.
00:04:07.540
And our honorable sisters who live in the UK, right?
00:04:11.500
May Allah bless you guys, inshallah, our sisters for coming.
00:04:15.000
The first thing that I would personally, we as a team would want to know, and we're asking
00:04:18.740
the same questions to every culture, by the way.
00:04:20.560
It's nothing, you know, every culture is getting the same questions.
00:04:22.660
When it comes to seeking marriage, in the Somali community, how does it work?
00:04:28.300
For example, does the parents say, you know, find someone suitable?
00:04:39.100
Come on, we'll start with the champion, inshallah.
00:04:40.820
Okay, tell us, when it comes to the Somali community, the first question to you guys.
00:04:45.180
How do you guys go about finding someone in your culture?
00:05:00.720
When a Somali boy meets a Somali girl, yeah, and the sparks fly, it's time for some serious
00:05:08.600
The families, they step in like referees, negotiating dowry, financial agreements,
00:05:25.500
Cultural dancing, wild, epic, music, I mean, food, drinks everywhere.
00:05:36.220
So, I was going to say that was a very good start.
00:05:42.980
How, for example, if you are looking to seek marriage, where does the parents get involved?
00:05:51.040
Like, for example, like yourself, you're not married.
00:05:54.260
If you was to, if you can bring the mic closer, inshallah, Aki.
00:05:56.580
So, if you was looking to get married, Aki, for you, would you be like, okay, if you're
00:06:01.040
interested in a Somali sister, would you be, like, would you get your, does your family
00:06:06.380
Because look, in the Asian culture, it's more like reference, or I know somebody, my cousin,
00:06:10.320
or you need to go marry the cousin that you know, like, those things, you hear them.
00:06:13.960
But in the Somali culture, is that the same thing?
00:06:15.820
Um, I mean, personally, if I wanted to get married, I wouldn't, um, I'd probably go
00:06:21.400
towards my parents, if I'm being very honest, because...
00:06:26.080
So, I'd probably ask them for advice on who to pick.
00:06:29.340
I've never done it before, so I can't really speak from experience, but in my family, I've,
00:06:33.080
I come from a big family, so I've got, like, 10, 10 siblings.
00:06:37.620
Um, so, it's very, like, some of my brothers and sisters got married through arranged marriages,
00:06:42.520
so, through my parents, and then some of them just found spouses themselves.
00:06:46.480
Okay, in, in, in the Somali culture, is it, is it, like, does, does the parents say,
00:06:51.400
listen, we will arrange this for you, or do they give you that, for example, argument
00:06:55.000
sake, you go to a family gathering, do they say, okay, you know what, actually, you know,
00:07:03.080
I feel like, I feel like it doesn't, like, it's not, like, um, in comparison to perhaps
00:07:07.940
the Asian community, where it's really big on arranged marriage, I think with the Somali
00:07:12.780
community, we're very, we're not as strict, so it's not frowned upon if a girl brings,
00:07:18.440
um, a man and says, mom, dad, I met this guy, this is who I want to marry, they do a background
00:07:24.660
check, and vice versa, if the boy does it, so it's not really, um, strict like that, we're
00:07:34.800
I mean, at the same time, yeah, I think we are quite strict in, is, in, in relation to
00:07:40.500
So, say for instance, um, this doesn't really happen as often in the West, but it happens
00:07:47.180
a lot back home, where, say for instance, um, you know, a sister may want to get married
00:07:52.140
to her brother, and then the family may, may not necessarily be too fond of him, mainly
00:07:56.620
because of the fact that he's from a different qabeel, right, from a different tribe, and
00:07:59.820
because of that, they may instantly decline, uh, he's, uh, you know, him wanting to marry
00:08:05.320
her, so tribe does come into play, but it doesn't happen as often, and that's the only
00:08:10.560
part I think we're strict in, for the most part.
00:08:12.560
Okay, we're going to come to the interracial marriages, good point, Mashallah, good point,
00:08:15.760
so, uh, so from what I've got, just, am I correct to say that, today I have learned
00:08:19.620
that when it comes to seeking marriage, the Somali community does not have, like, okay,
00:08:24.620
you know what, you need to marry your cousin, or you need to marry this person, or like,
00:08:28.340
the family, the parents are not very, like, no, you're going to marry who I say.
00:08:31.380
Okay, it's more like, okay, um, argument's sake, bro, um, I've got your name.
00:08:39.300
Mubarak, and I want to ask a question to you guys as well.
00:08:41.520
If you see a Somali sister, and you're like, you know what, this sister looks from marriage
00:08:45.340
material, how would you initiate the process to your parents?
00:08:49.620
Would you be like, you know what, um, let me speak to them, to speak to the family, to
00:08:53.580
both of you guys, I don't know who wants to answer first.
00:08:57.400
I wouldn't, yeah, not on the street, imagine you go to a wedding.
00:08:59.240
If you found a girl yourself, how would you tell your parents?
00:09:07.580
I would, yeah, I would try, basically what I'd do is I would probably, um, try and get
00:09:13.020
So, I wouldn't really, first I'll tell my parents, like, what's happening, basically,
00:09:17.560
but, um, I would more so just explain to them, like, that I found somebody sober, and
00:09:22.420
then I'll tell them to, I'll try and get hold of the father of the girl, basically.
00:09:30.140
I like that, Alhamdulillah, keeping it real, 100.
00:09:31.920
So, imagine, sister, you argument, say, a wedding, or imagine your mum's friend is
00:09:40.280
And you're like, you know what, he seems like a good brother.
00:09:47.740
Yeah, okay, yeah, Hoya, Abu, and would you come and say, you know what, I, I, I want, I'm
00:09:54.960
I don't think we really do that, I'll be honest with you, girls don't really do that,
00:10:02.800
They'll try and find maybe, um, like, somebody that will have background information about
00:10:08.140
Like, is he married, is he not married, what's his background, but not really, it's not, like,
00:10:13.500
it's not really normal for us to speak to our parents about guys that we like, and it's
00:10:18.340
really, like, it's still very super conservative.
00:10:22.020
So, so you would basically, at what point would you go to the parents?
00:10:28.260
Okay, so, so, so you're saying when you're, like.
00:10:31.340
Okay, so, uh, the background checks, would it be done through, like, friends?
00:10:34.380
Is it like, okay, you know what, that brother, sisters?
00:10:37.860
Yeah, family would do it, family, uncles, your dad.
00:10:41.840
No, no, no, before we go to the parents, so, so a brother or a sister you're interested
00:10:45.040
in, would you get your cousin or your sister or your brother to, to be like, okay, who
00:10:52.740
So, say for instance, if they may know one another, or if, if he may know of him, it would
00:10:57.900
be better to ask him, oh, do you know anything about him?
00:11:17.260
Once a prospective spouse has been identified, how do the Somali culture, like the, navigate
00:11:24.340
the process from the initial encounter, from encounter of the day of wedding?
00:11:27.500
So, in a nutshell, now you've found the person.
00:11:33.900
Can you tell me, for example, how do you guys go about asking for the hand?
00:11:40.160
Like, in, in, in our Turkish, Kurdish culture, it's mainly they, you go with like, you know,
00:11:46.900
You get the baklavas and you're just like, okay, we're going to go ask for the girl's hand.
00:11:50.580
And there's some cultural things where the girl puts like, salt in your Turkish coffee
00:11:54.060
if she doesn't like you or something like that.
00:11:56.640
Yeah, yeah, to show like, if she's, if it's extra sweet, it means, I can't remember.
00:12:00.200
But in a nutshell, how do you guys go about it?
00:12:03.620
From the initiating process to speaking to the family, how does asking the hand happen?
00:12:09.120
And then we'll talk about the marriage, et cetera.
00:12:18.200
And go, yani, ask the father for the hand, et cetera.
00:12:26.160
It's, yani, Islamic ways, easy, nothing out of the order.
00:12:31.900
So I would say, yani, it's straight up nikah, father's hand, ask the father, khalas.
00:12:49.380
Tradition, let's, let's get to the traditions a bit.
00:12:51.020
Like, Islamically, we know, like culturally, traditionally, for example, who goes to ask
00:12:57.380
Is it, for example, do you go to like an entourage where it's like, you've got the brothers
00:13:00.360
and uncles and you've got the mom and they go sit with it.
00:13:06.240
Is this at the, just before the marriage or just when you're about to get the family?
00:13:09.760
This is, this is basically saying you're not opening up.
00:13:12.800
It's like, this is the person I'm interested in.
00:13:15.500
You're going to basically, either they're coming to ask for your hand.
00:13:19.840
So from your point of view, he will come to ask for the hand.
00:13:23.980
The boys, the boys' family would normally come to the, the woman's house.
00:13:30.620
So it will be both, but they will be in separate rooms.
00:13:35.440
But initially, if we're just talking about, you know, letting the man sort of asking for
00:13:40.320
the girl's hand in marriage, it will be him, his dad, if he's alive, his brother, like
00:13:48.380
His, his brother, his dad, his uncle, and maybe a sheikh?
00:13:57.220
I think it depends because traditionally speaking, yeah, you're right in that aspect.
00:14:01.040
So typically speaking, the men, the male relatives come.
00:14:11.560
I want to know between the South and the North.
00:14:13.920
So the North are like Somalilanders, basically.
00:14:16.380
So what's the, is there a big difference with the cultural aspect?
00:14:35.360
Typically speaking, so what happens is the male relatives go to the woman's house, right?
00:14:41.800
And they basically, you know, introduce the boy.
00:14:47.360
They say this is what he does, so on and so forth.
00:14:49.960
And if the father accepts the proposal, they pay something called Surya, something like that.
00:14:54.980
So it's basically like a small amount of money to basically, as a gratitude, as a form of gratitude.
00:15:07.760
If he's interested in a sister, his father would pay the girl's father?
00:15:22.580
So his father argument is saying he will pay the girl's father as a form of gratitude.
00:15:27.500
And is there a specific amount or can it be, does it have to be money?
00:15:34.020
And yeah, so then once the girl accepts the, you know, the amount and the father approves
00:15:39.980
of the proposal, then we go ahead with the, with the nikah.
00:15:44.900
And then we go ahead with the mahar, you know, to her choosing, whatever she asks for.
00:15:49.880
And then we go ahead with the, with the wedding.
00:15:53.920
Traditionally speaking, again, it's like a, it's like a whole process.
00:16:02.340
I want, I want, I want to know everything because to me it's enlightening.
00:16:09.000
The, they have agreed that they're getting married.
00:16:13.300
Is there a, like, how many, um, um, celebrations do you have?
00:16:19.820
Like, like, like for, I want to know, for example, uh, like I did hear that the girl wears different dresses.
00:16:27.400
I've heard, can you, I want to know, please go full out.
00:16:34.600
So, um, again, it's different for each region, right?
00:16:37.400
So what happens is, uh, so once nikah is being done, what happens is the father sometimes, uh, he may be there, uh, in his daughter's absence.
00:16:48.820
So, for instance, he may be there, uh, you know.
00:16:52.640
Yeah, as a spokesperson, as a, yeah, as a spokesperson for his daughter, and then once everything, the process and everything, the procedure and everything goes well, then we go ahead with the wedding.
00:17:01.760
And then the wedding takes place, and then the wedding, it's a long process, procedure, so.
00:17:11.520
The maher is given, yeah, prior to the wedding, of course.
00:17:21.220
The maher, yeah, it's given prior to the wedding.
00:17:27.840
No, no, the nikah is done, and then the maher is given.
00:17:34.000
Is it like where the females come together and celebrate?
00:17:39.920
So what happens is the men are on one side, and then the women are on the other side.
00:17:44.440
So the women, typically speaking, they come in celebration, they dance, and, you know, we have something called barambur,
00:17:52.380
Yeah, poetry and dancing, and so on and so forth.
00:17:54.900
And then the men, they just sit together, they eat, which is quite boring, really.
00:18:00.120
But, you know, the women, you know, they basically celebrate.
00:18:02.460
And then the girl, like you said earlier, she changes, you know, three times, the cantino, the dirac.
00:18:12.140
So the first one, it can be, you know, at any stage.
00:18:18.100
Cantino is basically a traditional Somali attire.
00:18:21.060
So which is something that Somali women are known for wearing.
00:18:23.660
And then it could be the white dress, you know.
00:18:33.620
Since this is the bitter truth show, yeah, I need to be honest, and I'm going to sound
00:18:43.800
When it comes to Somali weddings, yeah, especially in this day and age, I see a lot of fitna going
00:18:55.580
I mean, it's like you are attending a nightclub or a music festival.
00:19:02.400
Yeah, the latest TikTok trend and do the dances, et cetera.
00:19:06.800
And I remember I saw this video a couple of months ago, yeah?
00:19:10.080
Scrolling, saw this video where this Somali couple, newly married, yeah, were dancing in
00:19:14.520
I don't know what the name of the song is, yeah?
00:19:18.940
And the song goes something like, brakaf, you're back.
00:19:26.360
The aunties, the elders, everybody in the community was looking at them with this look
00:19:49.260
If my wedding is not trending on social media, I didn't have a wedding.
00:19:54.300
So, what you are doing now is you are compromising your Islamic beliefs just to have a big wedding.
00:20:00.700
And there is no baraka in this type of marriages.
00:20:03.400
This is what's going on in the Somali community.
00:20:08.500
Bro, we need you more on the show, please, yeah?
00:20:14.220
I think there's a lot of points I agree with because if I look into my culture, we've been assimilated so much.
00:20:19.120
I don't think, if you saw what the Turks are doing now, Aki, you would say, alhamdulillah, we are doing very good.
00:20:30.980
My mum tells me, yeah, it's your auntie's wedding.
00:20:32.500
I'm saying, mummy, I'm so sorry, I'm not going nowhere near that.
00:20:35.100
If it's there, I'm going around the block, yeah?
00:20:39.180
That's a lot of people are, sadly, like you said, people just,
00:20:46.440
I've heard of stories where, like, because the focal point is what?
00:20:51.740
And then when they get into the actual marriage, they're like, oh, this is boring.
00:20:54.240
But, so you said, sister, the first thing was that dress and then they wear something.
00:21:16.740
It depends if she's religious, if she comes from a really religious family,
00:21:33.380
I don't know what they traditionally do back home.
00:21:36.280
In the UK, like, when I got married, I mean, like, I wasn't even there for when the guy came.
00:22:01.640
But you was always saying you wanted to marry the guy.
00:22:06.520
So, can I ask, you know when you do the wedding?
00:22:08.340
Is it, like, one wedding, one time, and three dresses, khalas?
00:22:21.820
Well, if you're in the West, I think probably, yeah.
00:22:33.020
The Somali sisters, they just do have a little party for the sisters.
00:22:38.040
And then, towards the end, we have something called shasta.
00:22:41.460
So, this is basically when, you know, married women...
00:22:51.060
and they basically put on different coloured silk scarves on her.
00:22:54.980
It's almost like wood of any sort of, like, evil eye or, you know, divorce or whatever.
00:23:00.080
But then again, for religious reasons, sometimes...
00:23:08.240
Yeah, I've been to different ones, like, mixed ones and then also separate.
00:23:14.640
I don't really know too much about how it works.
00:23:18.600
You do get, like, what she's saying, it does happen.
00:23:22.500
And then you get, like, mixed ones, a lot more modern.
00:23:25.240
Now these people are following, like, modern trends and, like, not Islamic stuff.
00:23:29.460
Because, yeah, they're just following, like, Western world, basically.
00:23:34.160
All right, I think, is there anything else we can add in this?
00:23:40.540
So, this is the seven-day period, the honeymoon, traditionally speaking.
00:23:44.360
Where the woman and the husband don't really leave their bedroom, right?
00:23:56.080
So, the food is brought to them, they're catered for.
00:23:57.540
Yeah, so dedicated for them to get to know each other, sort of, like, bond and so on and so forth.
00:24:04.760
Because I think there's a hadith of the Prophet ï·º, but that's pertaining to, if you marry a virgin girl,
00:24:10.680
I can't remember the days, if there's anyone that remembers.
00:24:16.140
Now, moving on to, how does the Somali culture, the community, deal with when it comes to marital disputes?
00:24:23.480
So, if there's a marital dispute between the husband and the wife, how do you guys deal with it?
00:24:27.640
Is it like, for example, what I heard was, that basically, it's more like, they, tell me if I'm wrong, yeah?
00:24:34.560
They usually say, okay, it's your family, we stay away.
00:24:39.380
Like, we will only get involved, but it's more like, it's a husband and wife, they don't, something like this, but please correct me, I don't know.
00:24:49.000
Marital disputes and stuff like that, usually it's the elders, the elders, the aunties who, and religious authorities who facilitate this process.
00:25:05.440
They are the ones who usually make sure that, hey, everything is all right here.
00:25:13.500
So, I mean, it's the elders who take care of it when it comes to marital disputes.
00:25:20.300
Because we, as Somali, since we were young, we were taught, you need to respect the elders.
00:25:24.480
It doesn't matter how rich you are, how educated you are, the elders have an important voice, listen to what they say when it comes to marital disputes.
00:25:36.360
Okay, so you said basically the elderly get involved?
00:25:44.600
Yeah, so if there is an issue between the husband and wife, traditionally the man will come, the father of the girl would come, and the same for his family.
00:25:55.200
So, people that he trusts in his family, people that she trusts from her family, they come together.
00:26:01.660
They both present their cases and will say what their issues are, and then they try and resolve it.
00:26:10.520
If the Somali boy, he comes and says, you know what, I'm not happy with my wife.
00:26:18.300
What do you think culturally the aspect is like?
00:26:19.840
Is it more like, listen, be quiet, or you know what?
00:26:23.940
Is it like something where they're like, listen, go back to your house?
00:26:28.440
Because some cultures can be like very toxic in that element.
00:26:33.220
So, how do you guys like deal with the initial state?
00:26:35.320
Imagine the daughter comes home, and she's complaining about her husband.
00:26:39.020
Do the parents absorb it, listen, or is it more like, listen, your husband?
00:26:44.380
It depends on which family, but culturally, I think they try as much as they can to try and push them together.
00:26:50.460
Like, so traditionally, our culture is not one that takes marriage, like, lightly.
00:26:55.980
Like, we do respect and put such high value in marriage.
00:27:00.600
So, we do try and, you know, calm the woman down, try and make her see sense, and vice versa to the man.
00:27:08.240
So, yeah, our culture doesn't see marriage as, like, a very light thing.
00:27:12.540
So, if he says that he wants to divorce her, they'll tell him, calm down, you know, think about this.
00:27:18.080
Or so, we'll try, I think, you know, that's how we see marriage.
00:27:27.880
I think as much as we're lenient with divorce in comparison to other communities, we're also frowned upon it as well, especially when it comes to divorced women.
00:27:36.820
So, we try to, as much as we can, you know, come out with solutions, typically speaking, as the elders of the family, the, you know, the female or the male relatives, whatever it may be, whatever we can do to sort out and bring up solutions.
00:27:53.700
I did hear, like, for example, they do really, like, which one thing, another thing that I really like about the Somali community, the culture, is that they do really push you to, like, listen, work on your house, work on your house.
00:28:03.000
You know, there is not, like, yeah, calm, oh, he's done this, et cetera, let's break the, do you get it?
00:28:07.620
I feel like they do, they do really, like, push that.
00:28:13.080
I haven't, I don't know, I haven't, I haven't personally heard of any, like, I don't know, like, oh, the girl, she goes to her mom and her mom just, like, brainwashes her.
00:28:24.740
Yeah, but generally, I've heard that they are very, like, keep your marriage, save your marriage.
00:28:30.260
So, it's like, if it's a woman, it's like, you know, keep your husband, keep your, you know, keep your household together.
00:28:35.760
I think a lot of the, keeping the marriage together is, most of the times, it's placed upon the woman, right?
00:28:42.200
So, that responsibility sometimes is placed upon the woman.
00:28:44.500
She's told, oh, make sure, you know, you know, be patient on your husband, you know, regardless of what he does.
00:28:57.280
Earlier we talked about it, about, and, yeah, and you know what, sometimes it can lead, sometimes, the sisters to feminism.
00:29:05.040
Sadly, because we have, I have sometimes seen it where, you know, it happens with, oh, all kinds of women happen, et cetera.
00:29:10.660
But, yeah, that's a phenomenon where they end up being like, you know what, we're not getting our rights here.
00:29:14.340
And it's sad because it's not, it's not really slam.
00:29:17.900
So, basically, in a nutshell, anything else you want to add, I think?
00:29:22.420
Next question is basically, okay, when it comes to divorce, so this, like, you know what, look, they've talked, they've spoken, etc., whatever.
00:29:30.700
They're like, you know what, we don't, how does the procedure start?
00:29:35.640
So, they're like, you know what, I'm not happy with this woman, or I'm not happy with him.
00:29:40.260
Is there a last resort of, look, let's have a meeting, let's get the families to come together.
00:29:45.720
And when it's decided, like, okay, look, I want divorce.
00:30:00.780
How does the community, in a nutshell, deal with it?
00:30:03.240
In a Somali society, when it comes to divorce, divorce is regarded as a last resort, yeah?
00:30:11.200
And it's approached with a lot of caution due to the emphasis of keeping the marital bond together, yeah?
00:30:18.300
But when a couple decides to pursue a divorce, usually, as I said before, the elders, the leaders in the community, religious authorities facilitate the process, yeah?
00:30:29.820
And one thing I need to bring in is, I do think that a lot of divorces happen for trivial, pointless, useless reasons, yeah?
00:30:40.300
For example, a woman can say, hey, he used to take me out two times a week, now only two times a month.
00:30:56.200
And, of course, sometimes, yeah, it can happen because of brutal problems, abuse, etc., conflicts.
00:31:03.140
But, usually, it's these da'if, useless reasons.
00:31:13.320
I mean, I keep hearing that the Somali community has a high rate of divorces.
00:31:22.340
But, can I give my take on why I think that is?
00:31:25.160
Like, I feel like, traditionally, like, back home in Somalia, Somaliland, wherever, women didn't have as many rights as they do in the UK.
00:31:36.080
Women didn't have as much rights as they do here.
00:31:40.320
Therefore, they used to put up with a lot more, you know, things from men that they probably 90% of the time won't put up with from men.
00:31:50.000
And, I'm really sorry to tell you, Mohamed, but that's not the reason why women get divorced because of silly little things.
00:31:57.620
It's often, like, major things that men are not fulfilling.
00:32:00.800
Like, there's a traditional saying, like, in Somali where we know that, we know that proverb, like, marry her with lies, like, lie to her.
00:32:12.860
Yeah, like, promise her the world, lie to her, lie to her.
00:32:15.820
And then when you actually get married to her and you've got her, now present your truth.
00:32:25.660
The one who says that basically you lied to me and this, that, and now you hit the road.
00:32:29.500
And that's what a lot of Somali men tend to do.
00:32:35.480
We have a whole topic on why marriages are breaking down.
00:32:41.080
It's a, everyone, everybody's going through it.
00:32:43.620
So, we're going to discuss that in the why a marriage is breaking down.
00:32:46.080
If you're going to be there for that, it'll be good to have your take on it.
00:32:48.320
But, in general, I just want to know, just going back to topic,
00:32:51.300
how do you guys deal with divorce in a sense where family just gets involved?
00:32:56.820
is there more pressure put on the girl to stay or the boy to stay?
00:33:04.300
I would say, like, personally, I don't, like, know anybody, like, close that's had a divorce.
00:33:10.960
But, from, like, distant relatives, I've seen, like, for example, my dad would go to try and resolve issues with, like, the husband and the wife.
00:33:20.820
So, I think, yeah, definitely, it is fundamental to have a divorce.
00:33:28.080
And, yeah, like, personally, I don't know too much about this, like, because I'm not seeing it, like, around me.
00:33:33.460
Like, my oldest brother, basically, he's got a mental health condition.
00:33:38.480
So, he did have a divorce, but it was more so just non-compatibility.
00:33:47.560
But I haven't had, like, I haven't had, like, people around me that are, like, that have divorces that are, like, normal couples.
00:33:53.260
So, if you guys have heard of any divorce in your, in the community, which one's going to emphasis on?
00:33:58.980
Like, do they say to the woman, oh, you know, put up with him or do they, because...
00:34:05.820
I think they try and push, I mean, they try and always push the woman to stay.
00:34:10.860
Yeah, but ultimately, it's, you know, it's the man that gives the talaq, isn't it?
00:34:15.380
So, if he doesn't, and, you know, there are times where the man doesn't want to give the talaq and the woman demands it,
00:34:21.420
and yet, she doesn't get it, so, it just, yeah.
00:34:24.080
They do encourage, they put more pressure on you.
00:34:26.820
Yeah, the responsibility, like I said earlier, is, like, solely placed upon the woman.
00:34:30.940
Even if her mental health is deteriorating and she's, like, going through it,
00:34:35.440
perhaps maybe he got a second wife and he's not providing for her.
00:34:38.600
You know, maybe he's, you know, subhanAllah, maybe he's abusing her, whatever the case might be, right?
00:34:43.300
She's told, you know, just keep her husband, put up with it.
00:34:46.780
You know, this is what you're supposed to do as a wife.
00:34:53.640
I think that's why you see that with the Asian culture as well.
00:34:57.780
But then again, yeah, it's, yeah, it's not, it's not necessary from Islam,
00:35:05.160
I don't know why these wives didn't think about second wife.
00:35:11.260
You know, we are, as men, we are polygamous by nature.
00:35:20.120
I, I'm willing to do, lie to take a test for anybody.
00:35:27.660
So to me, the issue is, I'm just talking about the men who do not provide
00:35:32.360
I believe they shouldn't be talking about this.
00:35:34.840
Because you're not even given the basic huck of your first wife.
00:35:38.760
Actually, I don't even recommend it to me personally.
00:35:42.820
If a brother comes to me and says, I want a second wife.
00:35:44.820
And I'm like, listen, how's your relationship with your first wife?
00:35:49.160
Once that is on check, what I mean is your relationship, the way you've been,
00:35:55.900
You know, these things that you have is ihteram.
00:36:03.260
I've got a lot of some brothers on my t-shirts, alhamdulillah.
00:36:08.100
If you're not, then you're basically causing problems.
00:36:10.560
You know, of course, the first wife is never going to be happy if you get married again.
00:36:14.100
But at least if you have that nice balance of relationship, if she knows you're a good man,
00:36:18.020
you know, she, I believe if Allah's legislated polygamy, Allah's created you in a way where
00:36:25.700
Just the way I have to deal when I go to war, innit?
00:36:27.400
When we go to war, we have to deal with it as well.
00:36:29.800
But the thing is, if we do, we end up dying and coming back and now our wives will get married
00:36:33.640
So the issue is our one is actually greater because if you think about it, sister, off topic, I'm so sorry.
00:36:40.060
When it comes to this issue, you share a husband.
00:36:43.340
When I go and die, I leave an inheritance, which my wife will enjoy with a new husband.
00:37:03.440
And he says that comes to me and says, my husband is getting a second wife.
00:37:09.320
Sister, this husband of yours, does he pray salaam?
00:37:19.640
Have you ever caught him talking to girls behind your back?
00:37:26.980
I would say you are out of your mind to end that marriage because he's getting a second wife.
00:37:34.220
The next man you marry, it's going to come in different forms.
00:37:37.000
Either he's going to be doing it in a haram way, even he's going to do it secret, or he's going to do it openly.
00:37:41.100
And I honor the man who does it openly rather than secretly.
00:37:43.660
But what I'm seeing is sister, is that wallahil adheem.
00:37:54.380
But do you agree that some men prefer just that?
00:37:58.300
They do say that it's a headache having two wives or three wives.
00:38:06.220
The moment they say it's a headache, where do you think the headache is stemming from?
00:38:10.800
The moment a man says it's a headache, you know what he's saying?
00:38:13.640
Not the headache that if I have two wives, the headache my first wife is going to cause me.
00:38:17.880
Because they're not saying I'm happy with my first wife.
00:38:27.480
But Ali, but it's okay to have, like if a man has one wife, there is, do you know men that have just one wife and they're happy?
00:38:38.180
I deal with these cases in the sense where I speak to, I speak to Jahil people, I speak to people who are God conscious, I speak to semi-practicing people, I speak to people who do the basic.
00:38:54.320
I dare anybody, and Sister Amir's husband is here as well, yeah?
00:39:04.840
Now, the man, if he, the only reason why he would, argument's sake, would not be looking for that, like you said, the headache.
00:39:21.440
There is not a single man that could be happy with marrying one woman all his life.
00:39:29.920
Okay, okay, no, Sister, but the topic, just come back.
00:39:36.740
Okay, but yeah, yeah, but my dear sister, do you know why I emphasise on this topic, yeah?
00:39:41.020
Some people feel I emphasise on this topic because it's a brother's thing and, you know, we've got the brother's side.
00:39:45.740
One of the main reasons I emphasise on this topic is the following, yeah?
00:39:52.860
They think this Romeo and Juliet, look, Romeo and Juliet.
00:40:05.280
Me, look, any man that's, for example, it's as good as me saying, or all of these brothers here, yeah?
00:40:12.220
It's as good as us saying, I'm going to divorce my wife because she nags a lot.
00:40:16.080
Brother, the next woman you're going to marry is going to nag a lot.
00:40:18.560
And the next one that you're going to marry is going to nag a lot.
00:40:23.560
Maybe she would have a worse habit than my wife, plus the nagging argument.
00:40:28.360
May Allah bless her and preserve her, you know, amazing woman, alhamdulillah, yeah?
00:40:34.020
When the sisters think that he's polygamous, I'm going to leave and find another man he's not.
00:40:40.540
That man, Eva, marry somebody who's in his 50s, I'll say, you know what?
00:40:50.020
But if you are going to marry somebody in their 30s, I'm telling you, that man, if you ask them, I'm totally okay, darling.
00:41:00.360
If you sisters went to your husband and said, I have zero problem.
00:41:05.100
And they're going to look at you thinking, is she testing me?
00:41:07.000
In his head, it's going to be like, is this woman testing me?
00:41:10.500
And you say, wallahi, take the Quran and go, wallahi, I have no problem.
00:41:21.940
So I tell sisters, do not destroy your marriages.
00:41:24.680
And I know polygamy is like in the Somali community.
00:41:31.120
As long as, no, no, no, as long as they are just.
00:41:38.380
God-fearing man who takes care of his wife, who loves his wife,
00:41:40.880
who looks after her, not abusing her, not making her go do the shopping.
00:41:47.020
I'm talking about a decent man of taqwa who cares and loves his wife,
00:41:55.300
Do not divorce this man because you are not running away from the problem.
00:42:02.820
Because I find that often men that are actually not even provided for,
00:42:06.340
or doing well by the first, or doing right by the first wife,
00:42:11.760
So, so I would say, sister, the moment you violate the rights,
00:42:18.120
that the Western women were fighting 100 years ago to get.
00:42:23.240
a man could go and sell his wife in the market.
00:42:27.300
In the UK, there was a right that he can take his wife and say,
00:42:40.540
Just so they say two types of people don't know,
00:42:44.320
That's why I mentioned this, so we're all adults here as well.