Ali Dawah - November 18, 2019THE FEMALE MIND & MALE SUICIDE - SPEAKERS CORNER
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
219.51833
Summary
In this episode, we speak to a man who is passionate about suicide and mental health. He shares his personal story of his own experience with mental health, and how he has dealt with it in the past. We also talk about the dangers of toxic masculinity, and why we should teach men how to man up.
Transcript
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Okay, Asalaamu Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh
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I just wanted to ask you some questions because he was talking about suicide, yeah?
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And I overheard it, and obviously we had to encourage you to come here as well.
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It's just I want to learn for myself because, you see, my cousin, he hanged himself about six, seven years ago.
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I'm actually doing a whole documentary on it, yeah?
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It was over a relationship. It was over a girl, yeah?
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After he hanged himself, his friend, who was there, hanged himself two weeks later in a park.
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My neighbor, my neighbor, hanged himself in the shop, yeah?
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Within our community, the community that I come from, it's like a...
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So, it's a specific sect. We have a high amount of suicide.
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What I wanted to understand from your point of view is, obviously, if you're comfortable, we don't want to feel like, you know, but you said that you yourself tried to attempt.
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Can I ask personally, if you feel comfortable, why did you, what made you come to that point?
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And how could you educate us if there's youngsters watching there?
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Because there's mental illness is a big problem, yeah?
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First of all, I'm not really, like, wholly comfortable about talking about it.
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Okay, no problem. We can talk about the stats maybe.
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It's quite deep, but the reason I asked your friend was, I saw statistics somewhere, I'm not like an expert on it.
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And, like, the biggest killer, the biggest reason for death under 45 is suicide.
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And so I think, like, why? Like, what is causing it?
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I didn't have an opinion on it, I just, like, why?
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Because it can't just be, like, relationships and stuff.
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I mean, there must be, like, some, like, fabric in the masculinity which has been torn apart.
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You didn't see that, like, a hundred years ago, maybe.
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Like, we don't know, but you know what, personally, I'm speaking out of just guessing, yeah?
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I haven't done the stats, I haven't looked at it, but I believe as men, as men ourselves, we are taught to be, like, we can't cry.
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Do you think we're looking at that from the wrong angle?
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Maybe it's because we need to be men. We need to teach men how to be men.
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Do you know what I mean? But man up, that's the phrase, right?
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Why don't we teach men how to man up? Like, why is masculinity...
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So, coming to terms with that being something in society, then it's totally okay?
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But the inclination is that masculinity in itself is something toxic.
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It's not like some tyrannical power over women or something.
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Sorry, the inclination is, when you support masculinity,
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People are looking at me right now, just like, why is he supporting masculinity?
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But do you think, look, I have a problem with this phrase, man up.
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The reason why I problem with this phrase, let me tell you why, yeah?
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Because the thing is, we are taught that as a man, myself, yeah?
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So for example, let's say I have a friend, Mohammed Hijab, he's quite big, yeah?
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And something, I'll tell you something profound.
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If you saw him on the street, I said to him, if I saw you on the street,
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And he told me a story and I couldn't believe it.
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A man built like a tank that looks dangerous, he said to me,
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he said to me that he's divorced and he looks after his two children.
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Now, you might say to myself, what's the big deal?
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It's just the perception that we have of a man, when we see him on the street,
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I would not in a million years think that he himself is divorced
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and he is looking after his own two kids himself.
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Now, the issue that I have with the word man up is because,
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Like for example, why can I not have a moment where...
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I don't know if you're familiar with the works of Jordan Peterson.
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He talks about the reality of life instead of living in this hunky-dory dream.
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I think what he clarifies quite eloquently is that there's nothing inherently wrong with
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Because we've got this lost generation of youth.
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And I don't know if you're familiar with the Channel 4 interview with Cathy Newman.
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We have, on the outer, externally, big man, big biceps, he's strong.
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Personally, if you look, women are mentally more stronger than men.
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When you go for a break-up in a relationship, I'll be honest with you.
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That's why they say, when you go for a break-up in a relationship,
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yeah, but a man's gonna go move to some next girl.
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But in the long run, she gets over and the man ends up crying.
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I personally believe, psychologically, mentally, we are weaker.
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Women are physically weaker, but I believe mentally they're stronger.
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They mature from a lot younger age than men do.
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Maybe like, once you're in your late thirties and you haven't had a kid yet...
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But do you think a man has more pressure as well?
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Like, you have to provide for the family, you have to go out there...
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But I don't agree with the whole idea that men...
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Now, that's why you have these feminine men, etc.
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For me to be a man doesn't mean I need to beat a woman up.
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But the feminists, they try and make it out like that.
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There's something wrong with being masculine, okay?
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Masculinity isn't tyrannical control over women.
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If there's anything that you believe you can add to the table in, why do men tend to commit
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What is the culture that allows that to happen?
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I think if women were stronger than men physically, they would abuse men more.
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You're assuming that men and women have exactly the same mindset, which isn't true.
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A man can beat up a woman, which is wrong, which is wrong.
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So for example, a lot of women who go through abusing their relationships, if you look at it personally,
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yeah, I know certain men who have been verbally abused so much to the point that the scars,
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he would prefer to be punched in the face because that will heal in about two weeks time.
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But how they're scarred internally, it has a longer lasting effect.
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So when we talk about physical, hitting somebody physically, what causes more harm?
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Punching someone in the face, I'm sure that will hurt, but psychologically dismantling them every single day.
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That's the reason why we go back to, oh, he's strong, he can punch me.
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Yes, yes, there's some sisters and ladies as well.
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But what we're saying is, from your point of view, can you enlighten us?
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Because we're men, we're not going to think like you.
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We don't know what's going in your head, even do you know what's going in my head, yeah?
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Do you believe, for example, physical abuse, obviously they're both bad, yeah?
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But which one causes more harm in the long run?
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Who would you say is the main perpetrator of verbal abuse?
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Because you're talking, what you're saying, the kind of person who would be mentally abusive,
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So the kind of person who would be mentally abusive would be someone who could potentially
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Or it could be someone who has mental issues themselves.
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That can be, you know, it can be any sexual orientation.
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But you can still have those deep rooted issues that then you'll put onto someone else.
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I personally have been in an abusive relationship.
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And in the beginning it was mental and then towards the end slightly physical and that's
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I actually withstood a lot of the mental abuse first, not realizing it.
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Because it was kind of backhanded, didn't really notice, kind of below the belt.
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And then over time, that's when I started to realize, okay, that's not great.
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But then once someone actually physically hits you.
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But I'm just saying that I think that some women will beat up men physically as well.
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So I think that to put people into categories like that, oh, men can be more physically
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But I do get that women can be, I do agree with you.
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A minute ago you were saying that women are more mentally strong.
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But then again, you know, men can be strong too.
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How does a woman, how do you deal with a breakup in a relationship?
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So for example, I don't know, a man deals with it in certain different ways.
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Because the statistics show, I'll be honest with you, a lot of the time, I think men might
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Like my personal family members, it was over a relationship, you know?
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And that might be the cause, but with women, what's the psychology behind it?
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How do you guys deal with a breakup or something that happens major in your life?
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Let's talk on personal experience or friends or family members.
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I think that women would usually go try and look inward, you know, try and maybe search
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deeper, go into their religion a little bit more.
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But I also do think that women will move on a lot quicker than men would in terms of
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Do you think, sister, you know what I was thinking to myself, yeah?
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So society has made us feel like, oh, if you cry out, man out, man.
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Do you think, because sometimes, when I've been through certain problems in my life...
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You know, I was thinking to myself, certain situations that I've been in my life that
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And I have had moments where I'll say, and I'm not shy of it, I've had moments where
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I've had moments where I have opened up to my Lord, even though my Lord knows what's
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When I, for example, had the moment where I was going through difficulties and I shed a few
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Do you think, as a female, because to you, nobody's going to come and say, oh, woman
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Do you think that's a method and the way God has created us that you can just cry out
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and scream and smash a few plates, flip the table over.
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And do you think that's a way of you maybe just taking that anger out?
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And I think we have support from our friends as well.
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As you said about that, your friend, as a male, your friend might say, oh man, what's
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Because if a brother, like, before I came to Islam, I lived a bit of a, you know, rough
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If my friend came to me and said, I broke up crying.
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Because if he's got nobody to talk to, if he cannot open up, if he cannot cry, then he's
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So what happens is, you think to yourself, I don't want, what I'm feeling, I don't want
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And maybe that's the reason why men take the option of committing suicide.
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I really appreciate, hope that, we really appreciate your input.
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I think, guys, that was quite interesting and I think we all learnt a bit of that and,
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yeah, so if there's anyone that's watching this personally, if you're black, white, green,
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yellow, Muslim, not Muslim, wherever you may be, straight, gay, left, right, no problem,
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up, down, wherever you are, if you're thinking of contemplating suicide, don't.
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I think personally, if you're a man as well, speaking from man to man, I'll be honest
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I'll be honest with you, I'm not going to come here and act like I'm a big hard man.
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There's times where I needed someone to speak to.
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So, it's very important for you to open up, if you need to cry, cry.
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Cry like a man, there's nothing wrong with that.
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Don't go down the route of thinking, okay, I need to take my life.
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If you want somebody to talk to, we're here, we're here every Sunday.
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If you want to talk to us, get in contact and taking your life is not the way.
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If there's any other input you would like to add, till next time.
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Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi barakatuh from Salaam Corner.
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Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi barakatuh from Salaam Corner also wrong excellence.