Ali Dawah - February 05, 2015


THE REALITY 9 ｜｜ Are you a Pious Gold Digger？


Episode Stats


Length

29 minutes

Words per minute

203.54044

Word count

5,910

Sentence count

384

Harmful content

Misogyny

11

sentences flagged

Hate speech

17

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, we speak to a brother who shares his story of how he got out of a haram relationship and how he managed to get out of it. He shares his experience and how it changed his life. He also talks about what he looks for in a husband and why he doesn't want to get married again.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.000 Could you have seen yourself marrying like someone that takes out the rubbish or a bus driver?
00:00:05.060 I could marry a bus driver, but I wouldn't marry a dustbin man, no. 1.00
00:00:08.880 Why?
00:00:11.660 I don't know, only, I don't know, I don't know, maybe for different people that's okay,
00:00:16.200 but for me personally, I think my family would never allow that anyway.
00:00:19.720 But yeah, that's definitely something my family would be like,
00:00:22.740 of all the men in the world, you married a dustbin man or whatever it is. 1.00
00:00:25.740 But I think to me personally, if I fell in love with a person, maybe I would.
00:00:29.460 But now being married to somebody who's not a bus driver, no, I don't think I would.
00:00:34.080 What do you look for in a husband? 1.00
00:00:38.040 I think he has to be on his dean, praise, of course, and also respect his family,
00:00:43.960 like he's always with his family and stuff.
00:00:46.000 What about in terms of money? Do you care how much money he makes,
00:00:49.000 if he's been to uni, anything like that?
00:00:50.920 Not really, but of course, if he has money, then that's great.
00:00:54.200 Would you marry someone that doesn't work? 0.98
00:00:59.460 As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh brothers and sisters,
00:01:28.880 welcome to Reality 9, pious gold diggers. 0.97
00:01:31.660 Okay, sisters, before you start attacking me, the title is there for a reason.
00:01:35.620 Obviously, we're not trying to attack anybody in any way.
00:01:37.680 But obviously, it's to deal with the matter, which is, as we know,
00:01:40.260 certain sisters, when they want to get married, when it comes to marriage, 0.99
00:01:42.880 you know, and this is sometimes influenced not by the sister, but their family.
00:01:45.880 You know, they're looking for a big marriage, has to spend 50 grand, 100 grand.
00:01:49.700 The mahram money has to be 20,000 pounds.
00:01:51.620 You know, it's like you're buying a big diamond from Africa.
00:01:55.720 You know, unfortunately, this is the matter with marriage, and this caused a lot of fitna as well.
00:02:00.740 So we wanted to tackle this issue, and it was a big problem within the ummah.
00:02:03.320 So we went out there, obviously, our female team members interviewed certain sisters out on the streets, 1.00
00:02:08.540 and we have a really amazing story of a brother who actually went through this phase,
00:02:12.080 and it gives us a goodness here and a reminder to every single one of us.
00:02:14.980 Obviously, I don't want to hold it much more.
00:02:16.360 We're going to go straight into the interview, but before we go, if you're in a haram relationship,
00:02:20.680 please, please, I urge you, with the permission of Allah SWT, to watch the reality series.
00:02:24.720 As you know, this is a series, this is part nine.
00:02:26.620 Watch one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, and part eight.
00:02:30.520 Inshallah, with the permission of Allah, you will get out of a haram relationship. 0.99
00:02:33.400 So please watch every single one of them.
00:02:34.940 We'll be right back after the interview.
00:02:36.600 Assalamualaikum, Aki.
00:02:37.400 Waalaikumussalam.
00:02:38.140 Welcome to the show, Inshallah.
00:02:40.000 And, you know, please tell us about your story, Inshallah.
00:02:44.400 Okay.
00:02:44.720 So first of all, I just want to put this out there, that I'm not doing this out of revenge or hate,
00:02:51.840 or I'm not doing this out to expose anything, you know.
00:02:54.360 It's something I went through, and, you know, Brother Ali invited me to share my story,
00:02:58.800 and, you know, I saw the benefits in it, and I thought, Inshallah, I'll help him out,
00:03:03.980 and obviously it's for the sake of the Ummah, so Inshallah, I can help someone out by relating my story.
00:03:09.000 So, yeah, so just to put it out there, I'm not doing this to expose anyone,
00:03:13.440 I'm not doing this out of hatred or revenge.
00:03:16.820 I just thought, if my story can help other people, Inshallah, this is a good route to take.
00:03:22.940 Alhamdulillah.
00:03:23.400 So let's hear your story, Inshallah.
00:03:24.820 How did it begin?
00:03:25.600 So, basically, it began from the person I married was actually a girlfriend of mine, so it was a Haram relationship.
00:03:35.320 I was with her from the age of 17, was with her for like, for five years, before we even got married.
00:03:44.060 Yeah.
00:03:45.520 So the situation when we got married, when we first saw each other, obviously we was young and naive,
00:03:51.160 and we just got into our relationship, but, you know, as the relationship grew older, we both matured,
00:03:57.540 and, you know, we both tried to start practicing our religion, our deen, better.
00:04:04.300 So at the beginning you weren't practicing?
00:04:05.500 At the beginning I wasn't practicing.
00:04:06.620 Both of us?
00:04:06.920 Even, both of us, you know, we weren't practicing much.
00:04:09.780 And then, come in the middle of the relationship somewhere along the line, we broke up.
00:04:14.560 But then, she brought me closer to the deen.
00:04:17.920 So she started practicing first?
00:04:19.000 She started practicing, and then now I thought, you know what, I need to do this for, in order to be a better person,
00:04:24.720 and also maybe gain a better view of myself with her as well.
00:04:29.600 So, you know, in some ways I was doing it for her, which wasn't right.
00:04:32.620 Obviously I should be doing it for the sake of Allah SWT, 1.00
00:04:34.440 but I just thought that I need to better myself, and she helped me out a lot.
00:04:39.460 You know, when she told me she started practicing, she told me she was doing Alima lessons,
00:04:45.340 you know, so she was going to different Islamic talks, and learning further into Islam,
00:04:50.380 and, you know, she started putting the hijab on, and she started practicing, basically.
00:04:55.340 She started practicing, she started showing that, you know, she's caring for the deen and the religion,
00:04:59.960 and Allah SWT, and I thought, you know what, I need to take that same route, 0.77
00:05:03.020 and that's what led on to us getting back together, technically, and then on to marriage.
00:05:09.260 Oh, yeah, okay.
00:05:09.760 Yeah, so that was where it started, from between me and her.
00:05:14.360 And then what was the process of, now you don't want to get married, what was happening there?
00:05:19.720 So we got, you know, friends and cousins involved, and, you know, introduced the families,
00:05:26.520 and moving on from there, the families talked it out, and then from there the wedding was arranged.
00:05:32.940 Was there any issues prior, like did the family say we want you to have finished uni,
00:05:38.680 or we want a degree from you, or were there any conditions, or was it all small?
00:05:42.820 Well, there wasn't really any major conditions in terms of what they wanted from me.
00:05:47.800 I mean, when they heard that I've been to uni, I've been to, I've got a degree, I think,
00:05:52.180 so they were happy with that.
00:05:54.440 And, you know, I've got a strong working background, so they were happy with that.
00:05:59.180 But obviously, during the wedding period, there were different things negotiated coming from the background where we were from.
00:06:04.440 And, for example, the mahr, the mahr that was involved, which was agreed to be like £15,000 at the time.
00:06:13.140 She rang this forward, or the family rang this forward?
00:06:15.980 It was agreed between both the families.
00:06:18.360 I mean, it was negotiated, it's always negotiated in the talk.
00:06:21.820 So I believe that it would have been the family, and then, you know, it was agreed by my parents and myself as well,
00:06:29.080 you know, my dad and myself, and we all spoke it out and thought, okay,
00:06:32.520 I just thought I'm doing that out of love.
00:06:34.540 I didn't think about the money, you know.
00:06:36.060 I didn't care, you know, whether it's £15,000 or £20,000 or whatever.
00:06:40.120 I just thought I'm going to get married to the person that, you know, cares for me.
00:06:43.920 I think if I had £15,000, I think my fault would have been.
00:06:48.160 So the wedding cost about, from you and your family, was about £60,000?
00:06:52.840 That's the same in Japan.
00:06:53.800 But I'm not saying that she obviously didn't spend money.
00:06:55.760 From the groom's side, you spend a little bit of money from the background that we're from,
00:06:59.900 obviously, the Asian background.
00:07:00.660 They're obviously going to spend their side as well.
00:07:02.900 But not to say that they didn't spend money as well from their side.
00:07:05.380 However, obviously, from when I was getting married, from my side,
00:07:08.520 we had to spend more money on, for example, like the gold that we give her, 0.76
00:07:13.480 the dresses that you give her.
00:07:15.880 And obviously, they have their choices as well.
00:07:18.600 You see, does she want anything specific done?
00:07:21.260 Like, in the wedding saying, I want this dress and this stuff.
00:07:23.780 So during the wedding process, we'd be chatting about what you want to be done,
00:07:27.440 what you don't want.
00:07:29.040 And obviously, there was dresses involved that you wouldn't even think of.
00:07:33.500 Like, the wedding dress itself.
00:07:35.800 I mean, I don't know how much it was.
00:07:37.140 I can't remember what it was, but it was definitely over thousands.
00:07:40.600 It was expensive.
00:07:41.500 So, I mean, it was there.
00:07:43.340 That was their choice.
00:07:44.540 But that doesn't mean I didn't go and didn't treat myself as well.
00:07:47.940 I'm not saying that she was just herself.
00:07:49.700 But she obviously had her choices.
00:07:51.480 But again, for me, that money that I spent for her at that time, I did that I love.
00:07:57.240 So whatever dress she wanted, she went and chose it for herself.
00:08:00.600 And she went and purchased it.
00:08:02.380 And I purchased what I wanted as well, you know.
00:08:05.900 So I'm not saying I let myself off.
00:08:07.560 I went and helped myself with something good as well.
00:08:09.940 How was it you arrived again?
00:08:11.780 Oh, yeah.
00:08:12.220 Yeah, so at the wedding itself, I turned up in a helicopter.
00:08:16.580 So, you know, that was because, you know, that was my own alpha male side.
00:08:21.000 You know, I wanted to be, like, look good and that.
00:08:24.460 You know, you want to turn up in style and stuff.
00:08:26.580 And that's what it was.
00:08:27.720 So it was a big wedding, isn't it?
00:08:28.880 It was massive.
00:08:30.000 It was massive.
00:08:30.340 I've not seen a wedding like, I've not been to a wedding like the one I had.
00:08:36.300 But I'm not proud of it.
00:08:38.120 But, you know, it was an experience.
00:08:40.380 You go through it.
00:08:41.100 I went through it and I learned that, you know, it's not something you should do again, really, maybe.
00:08:45.600 You see, looking back now, do you think she, like, because certain things were there that she wanted and this amount was spent.
00:08:56.180 Did it seem like she was after money or it wasn't really consenting, it was just...
00:09:00.380 If I think about it now, maybe.
00:09:03.200 But at the time, if I have to be honest, at the time, it didn't matter.
00:09:07.200 For me, I loved her enough that I'll spend that money.
00:09:11.080 You know, but if I look back at it now, it may be that, you know what, I could have held back from that.
00:09:16.380 And, you know what, she could have supported me in the way that she did when I was trying to get closer to my deen.
00:09:21.360 She could have told me, you know what, don't spend that money. 0.94
00:09:23.500 Let's do it smaller, you know.
00:09:25.280 And if she would, like, you know, maybe she could advise me, like, let's not do this.
00:09:30.180 Let's not spend X amount of money.
00:09:31.960 Let's do it like this, make it smaller.
00:09:34.900 But, you know, at the time, we didn't care.
00:09:36.880 At the time, I was blind to that fact.
00:09:39.540 I mean, so now you're like, I'm married, what happened?
00:09:43.260 Did things, did you see things going, life was good or there's things that have to change or there's things that go down here or what happened?
00:09:49.260 Um, it was the first few days and, like, the first month and so, it was all good.
00:09:56.800 You know, you're getting used to it and stuff.
00:09:59.320 And then, I mean, we went on a holiday and everything together, which we spent a lot of money on as well.
00:10:07.980 But, you know, it was good until, obviously, there was certain flaws that were kicking in, you know.
00:10:14.180 I don't want to go too in detail the reason why we broke up.
00:10:17.660 Or the reason why, what happened.
00:10:20.320 Um, however, um, if I go a little bit into it, actually, um, it would be little accusations and little actions that caused the end result of us separating.
00:10:37.100 Honestly, I don't, I know, I mean, like, I don't really care much for worldly things, like money and stuff like that.
00:10:41.720 But then again, like, you know, it seems a bit lazy, like, you know, you're going to do when a guy who works.
00:10:48.200 I read, like, you know, um, the bridal gift, like, what do you think about, like, how much would you want?
00:10:53.440 I don't even care for that.
00:10:54.380 Like, I really don't even mind.
00:10:55.480 Like, right now, like, me and my sister were discussing this, like, a couple of days ago.
00:10:59.260 I don't even really want a wedding or anything.
00:11:00.840 I don't really mind for, like, the gift that I get or anything like that.
00:11:04.200 So, yeah, I don't really mind.
00:11:05.440 As long as he's a good person and that, you know, our marriage is, you know, beneficial and it's blessed, then, alhamdulillah, I don't really care much for, like, the gift or...
00:11:15.720 But, um, speaking to us, I just wondered, uh, what are the three key qualities, like, you'd look for if you were looking for a prospective husband?
00:11:24.960 Honesty, respect and religion.
00:11:27.940 A brother that can hold his religion down and guide me as well.
00:11:30.740 What are the three qualities you look for in a husband?
00:11:34.360 Um, he has to be honest.
00:11:37.540 He has to be respectful.
00:11:39.780 I think that's quite hard to find these days.
00:11:42.240 And also, um, he has to be God-fearing in the way that he understands the true Islam and not the sort of, the cultural kind of warped version. 0.94
00:11:54.820 So, they're my three things.
00:11:55.900 And what about education?
00:11:57.440 Is that important to you?
00:11:59.820 Honestly, to me, it's not so important.
00:12:02.360 I thought before, before meeting my fiancé, I thought it'd be important for him to have a good job, for him to be so successful.
00:12:10.620 But to be honest with you, character is so much more important.
00:12:14.480 And that's something you cannot be taught in schools anyway.
00:12:17.020 And what changed that for you? What changed that thought for you?
00:12:20.000 I think just meeting him and actually realising that he had everything else.
00:12:25.680 So, inshallah, other things will come with time.
00:12:28.000 Um, can you tell me what three qualities you look for in a husband?
00:12:32.140 Um, okay.
00:12:33.020 Well, the first one would be definitely, like, taqwa, like, God-fearingness, um, and piety.
00:12:38.820 And, like, obviously, if he fears God, then he'll treat me right.
00:12:42.740 And, obviously, like, inshallah, that'll help me get to Jenna.
00:12:46.320 So, that would be, like, definitely number one.
00:12:49.360 I think number two, um, would definitely be something like, um, you know, like, the same interests, obviously, because then you'd click.
00:12:56.600 What about education? Is that important for you?
00:12:59.020 Um, for me personally, yeah, definitely, like, education, because I'm in education.
00:13:03.900 Like, I think it would be, like, I would feel like I'm, like, you know, we have more in common that way, isn't it?
00:13:09.480 Because if I've been, like, if I've been to uni and, like, I've got a degree kind of thing, um, then I would like him to have that.
00:13:17.240 And how about, like, the maher, and in terms of money?
00:13:21.900 Um, in terms of money, Allah, I've actually not thought about that, subhanAllah.
00:13:26.920 But I wouldn't, I would definitely not ask for something ridiculous.
00:13:29.840 Like, I don't think, um, that's, I don't think that's right, you know, asking for something ridiculous, like, a large amount, I wouldn't do that.
00:13:37.160 But definitely, like, you know, the Prophet gave this to us as a right, like, that's our right.
00:13:42.060 So, we shouldn't really be, um, like, complacent with that.
00:13:46.540 Like, we should be, like, okay, you know, ask for a good amount, but not too much, obviously.
00:13:50.880 Um, but I haven't really thought of it much more than that, to be honest.
00:13:53.740 Do you know of any sisters that ask for a lot, or, you know, maybe are looking for just money, or anything like that?
00:13:58.920 Um, I don't know of a lot of sisters who have asked for a lot, but I know, like, a lot of sisters, um, like, expensive rings and all of that stuff.
00:14:08.900 Could you see yourself marrying a bus driver, someone that, um, takes out the rubbish, collects the rubbish?
00:14:13.240 Um, to be honest, yeah, if he had a really good level of religion, and, um, and I thought that this person had a lot of, um, common, I don't know, like, we had a lot of common things.
00:14:26.880 Ground.
00:14:27.300 Yeah, like, common ground.
00:14:28.660 Yeah.
00:14:28.900 Um, like, I wouldn't, I wouldn't just say no because of that, do you know what I mean?
00:14:33.320 Bridal gift, like, the maher? What, what about that? Do you, do you ask about a lot of money, and all, like, big house and stuff? I think that's just so stupid.
00:14:42.220 I think the less you take is more barakat, I think, anyway, but obviously, I don't know, I haven't really looked into it myself, but I think that's not an issue, and I don't know, to be honest, but...
00:14:52.320 Can you see yourself asking for a lot?
00:14:54.200 Too boneless?
00:14:54.960 Not really, like, I'm not one of those people who are like, I want, you know, diamonds and a million pounds, and I'm not going to be, like, thinking of things that are unrealistic, so, yeah.
00:15:03.900 Okay, thank you, sister.
00:15:05.820 So, basically, the way it was that she, she started checking through my phone, and she started checking through sort of things that I, I didn't mind her looking through, it was fine, she hadn't passed it to my phone and stuff, and, you know, I didn't mind her doing that, but she would do it in certain times and things that caused me to think,
00:15:24.140 you don't trust me, and that was like, it happened after we got married, and I thought, you know, I've married this person, she trusted me for five years, why does she not trust me now?
00:15:31.920 No, yeah.
00:15:32.620 That was the issue.
00:15:33.560 But, I don't want to get two persons, was there an incident that led her to think maybe you might be? Why did this concern come out of nowhere?
00:15:43.840 The incident that, there wasn't really an incident prior to the marriage, there wasn't any, a major incident between me and her prior to the marriage.
00:15:52.260 It was just the actions that she was making, the movements that she was doing during the period of our marriage, you know, where she started looking through my phone while I'd be sleeping, you know, like, I'd get up in the middle of the night and she'd find, and I'd find her on my phone, I'm like, what are you doing on my phone?
00:16:07.940 And she wouldn't have a correct answer.
00:16:09.800 Yeah.
00:16:10.500 You know.
00:16:10.980 But was there something that you might have done that matter to her?
00:16:13.680 Well, this is the thing, what happened, like, I learned up to my, like I said, I'm not, I'm not here to expose it, I learned up to my thing.
00:16:18.740 So, obviously, these things were happening, I actually went in the wrong direction and asked the wrong kind of, wrong person for the advice that I should have asked for.
00:16:26.600 So, instead, I went and asked a friend, a friend that I had from before, who was a female, and that aggravated the situation.
00:16:35.480 Okay.
00:16:35.780 So, obviously, it was stress, I was stressed out, you know, it was happening quite often during the marriage, it was like, this trust issue.
00:16:42.340 Okay.
00:16:42.580 A lot, it kept coming up, I mean, I didn't go to my friend until I couldn't bear it.
00:16:46.520 Yeah.
00:16:46.820 I was, I took, I had sabr for a while, you know, I held on to the fact that, you know what, she'll come round it, she'll come round it, she'll come round it, and she didn't.
00:16:57.140 Oh, so prior, she just started checking?
00:16:58.940 Yeah, she said, it's not even just a phone, like, I'll make it sound like it's just a phone, it's not just a phone, there was other stuff, like other questioning that, you know, you'd be having a conversation with your wife,
00:17:07.960 and then she'd drop a question on you, like, oh, where was you when this, when I was here, or where was you when this, why was you so late home and stuff.
00:17:14.700 And now, to be honest, I've got three jobs, I don't have time to be doing stuff like this, so, you know, it was just a bit wary, it was just a bit worrying that she didn't trust me.
00:17:24.080 Okay, but you didn't do anything that set off that mistrust?
00:17:27.280 At that particular time, no.
00:17:28.720 Okay.
00:17:29.080 But my mistake was to seek advice from another female. 0.93
00:17:33.640 Okay.
00:17:34.000 And I shouldn't have done that.
00:17:34.920 And you see, as now, obviously you're all married and so on, where was the religion for you at the time?
00:17:42.200 How was it, like, you know, because she was, she's someone who was studying.
00:17:46.720 Yeah, so, you know, like, when we got married, I thought that she's going to come and she's going to help me out even more.
00:17:52.940 I thought my belief in my deen was going to get stronger, you know, and, like, you know, you're married and you complete half your religion, that's the saying, and I thought it's going to get stronger.
00:18:03.240 But it just got weaker, it just got weaker, you know, we wasn't praying, we wasn't doing anything during the time of marriage.
00:18:08.940 And I think that's what went wrong, you know, I think that's where it all started going wrong, where we, because we just had this big wedding, and then after that, we kind of maybe drifted away from the religion.
00:18:21.160 Yeah, I think that's what happened.
00:18:23.160 So, once you started drifted, you saw things change?
00:18:25.160 Yeah, between ourselves, like, it was just getting negative, everything that we were doing just being negative, and then, you know, it's come down to a point where we're not together no more.
00:18:33.160 And what was the, if you want to answer it, if not, what was the final straw where he was like, you know what, this is it, and...
00:18:43.160 It was the respect side, there was just no respect given to me as a husband, there was no respect given to my family, and that's when I decided that it's enough, enough is enough, you know.
00:18:56.160 Yeah.
00:18:57.160 If there's a problem between me and my wife, that should stay between me and my wife. 0.99
00:19:02.160 Okay.
00:19:03.160 Other people shouldn't need to get involved.
00:19:05.160 Yeah.
00:19:06.160 And, obviously, I got someone involved by, outside of my marriage, by speaking to someone female, but I didn't risk my family into it.
00:19:14.160 I didn't risk my family, that's why I didn't, that's the whole, I didn't go to my family, because I didn't want them to feel, think bad of her, or me.
00:19:22.160 Yeah.
00:19:23.160 And I just thought, you know what, the best way to disguise it was to speak to someone outside of the family.
00:19:27.160 Yeah.
00:19:28.160 And that's probably where I went wrong.
00:19:29.160 Yeah.
00:19:30.160 However, what she did, was she got the family involved without talking to me first.
00:19:34.160 Okay.
00:19:35.160 And, from there, it just went to both families falling out.
00:19:40.160 Okay.
00:19:41.160 And then when the families fell out, you know, there was no way back when the families fell out.
00:19:46.160 I mean, I tried to communicate with her.
00:19:48.160 Yeah.
00:19:49.160 She didn't want to get back.
00:19:50.160 She went, she told me she's going around her family's house.
00:19:53.160 Yeah.
00:19:54.160 For a couple of weeks, and I can go pick her up.
00:19:56.160 Yeah.
00:19:57.160 And then after that, she locked off on the phone, and that's it.
00:19:59.160 I couldn't get back in touch with her.
00:20:01.160 So, she sent a letter, if you don't mind, just a little bit.
00:20:06.160 Right.
00:20:07.160 What did she say on the letter?
00:20:08.160 Was there anything she demanded from you?
00:20:09.160 So, she left bits and bobs to my house.
00:20:11.160 I don't know what she left behind.
00:20:13.160 Yeah.
00:20:14.160 I tilted, like, even, obviously, we're still going through the process.
00:20:16.160 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:20:17.160 But, to today, I haven't touched her stuff.
00:20:19.160 Yeah.
00:20:20.160 But, in the letter, she listed out every single item from, for example, like, perfume to shoes.
00:20:26.160 Wow.
00:20:27.160 What she left behind, and detailing everything, you know.
00:20:29.160 Yeah.
00:20:30.160 What she left behind, and she asking for this back, which is fine.
00:20:32.160 That's not, that's not my thing.
00:20:33.160 Yeah, yeah.
00:20:34.160 She can take it back.
00:20:35.160 Yeah.
00:20:36.160 And then, obviously, she was asking for some money back that we spent on holiday.
00:20:39.160 Okay.
00:20:40.160 From, from what I believe I don't owe her.
00:20:43.160 Yeah.
00:20:44.160 You know, we spent, we spent money together.
00:20:46.160 Yeah.
00:20:47.160 So, I don't see why I owe her.
00:20:49.160 Did that, did that hurt you saying that she wrote that out?
00:20:52.160 Yeah.
00:20:53.160 What hurt me was that, obviously, I had this big wedding with her, you know.
00:20:55.160 Yeah.
00:20:56.160 I spent 60 grand out of my own money.
00:20:58.160 Mm-hmm.
00:20:59.160 Like, then, we went on a, went on a holiday, which cost, like, near enough, seven, eight grand,
00:21:03.160 on top of that.
00:21:04.160 So, that, that was, we spent so much money, that, that it didn't bother me, at the time.
00:21:10.160 Mm-hmm.
00:21:11.160 Um, but, come to the fact that we're gonna end this relationship.
00:21:15.160 Mm-hmm.
00:21:16.160 She's asking for a small amount of 2,000 pounds back from me.
00:21:21.160 Uh, also, uh, do you think you being in a relationship prior to being married?
00:21:29.160 Yeah.
00:21:30.160 Affected you when you, after you married?
00:21:32.160 Well, definitely, definitely, the, the fact that, you know, I was in a Haram relationship 0.75
00:21:36.160 before I got married, it was, it wasn't something that was permitted by Allah s.w.t.
00:21:41.160 So, that, I would believe that definitely, that may have had, uh, uh, the effect on my
00:21:46.160 marriage, you know?
00:21:47.160 It took out the Barakah from my marriage. 0.98
00:21:48.160 So, I would believe that that's, that could be one, definitely one of the major reasons
00:21:53.160 to where I'm, I'm not married at the moment, or I'm, I'm back to separate from my wife.
00:21:57.160 But, um, definitely that would be a reason.
00:21:59.160 Also, if, if I had to advise any brothers and sisters, I would say, get out of any Haram 1.00
00:22:04.160 relationship you're in at this moment, because that could cause you harm in the future.
00:22:09.160 So, that would definitely be, uh, advice I would give all to all the brothers and sisters.
00:22:14.160 Oh, okay.
00:22:15.160 Uh, okay.
00:22:16.160 You know, so, uh, amazing benefits and, you know, to your story and so on.
00:22:22.160 Inshallah.
00:22:23.160 Inshallah.
00:22:24.160 I hope we can benefit from that.
00:22:25.160 Inshallah.
00:22:26.160 I just want to, you know, see what the people have been posing their questions.
00:22:31.160 You know, they want to ask some questions.
00:22:32.160 Ibrahim asked, uh, why didn't you do Salat al-Istikhara?
00:22:36.160 I mean, did you do Salat al-Istikhara before?
00:22:39.160 No, actually I didn't.
00:22:41.160 We should recommend all brothers and sisters to do Istikhara before they get married, you
00:22:44.160 know, and, um, obviously they are here.
00:22:46.160 There's great benefits from that, from that, uh, prayer.
00:22:49.160 Definitely.
00:22:50.160 Uh, sister Saeeda Zaheeda asked, what would you look for in a wife if you were to marry again? 0.99
00:22:56.160 Um, well, if I look to marry again, um, inshallah, I would look to,
00:23:01.160 I would look to marry someone who wants to keep things simple.
00:23:04.160 You know, even if I asked, even if I said, you know what, let's do this again.
00:23:08.160 Let's, let's have another big wedding again.
00:23:10.160 Even if I wanted to, I want someone who would be able to tell me, do you know what?
00:23:13.160 No, hold back, you know, let's keep things simple.
00:23:16.160 So I think, cause that's what I would want as well.
00:23:18.160 When I want to, when I want to get married, I'd want to keep things simple again.
00:23:21.160 Okay.
00:23:22.160 So we take a question from Instagram.
00:23:23.160 Someone asked, uh, Salam, I would like to ask, uh, has this affected your faith or trust in women?
00:23:30.160 Um, well, obviously from what I'm going through at the moment, um, yeah, it has, it has trust.
00:23:36.160 I mean, now when I look at women, uh, it's, it's bad to say, but I say, not look at women, 1.00
00:23:41.160 but when I, now when I see, uh, women and if I want to, if, even if I think about if I want to get married again,
00:23:47.160 I think, can I trust that person?
00:23:49.160 I always, I've always, I'm always double thinking women.
00:23:51.160 Um, so yeah, it has, but it doesn't mean that I don't believe that there's women out there that are good.
00:23:57.160 I'm sure there's sisters out there that have the respect that a man would want from, from a woman. 1.00
00:24:03.160 Um, it has affected my trust in women, but it doesn't mean to say that I don't believe that there's women out there that are not worthy of marrying.
00:24:11.160 And there's not women that I can't trust. There will be someone out there. 0.78
00:24:15.160 Uh, another question mentioned, uh, the reason for your interest or for this person, was it our beauty?
00:24:25.160 I mean, what attracted you to the person? Was it because she was someone so beautiful or was it because...
00:24:29.160 Well, this is, this is the question which actually I ask myself now because I don't think it was because of beauty
00:24:37.160 and I don't think it was because of her being pious. I think it was because of the personality that she showed me.
00:24:44.160 She showed me she's that person that I wanted, you know, the, the respectful girl, the person that can respect my family,
00:24:50.160 respect herself, respect me as a husband. That's what I saw. And I thought that's what's, that, that's,
00:24:56.160 it's going to be perfect for me to marry that person that can respect me in that way.
00:25:00.160 And no, I didn't get that back. So I didn't marry her because of her beauty or pious.
00:25:05.160 I mean, I would recommend to people to marry people that are pious, but you know, again, you need to analyze that person.
00:25:12.160 You know, someone can show you that they're pious, but it doesn't mean behind the scenes they might not be.
00:25:17.160 So, uh, okay. Um, you know, I think that's it. We're going to take it.
00:25:23.160 I think, you know, for coming.
00:25:25.160 Thank you very much.
00:25:26.160 Assalamu alaikum brothers and sisters. Welcome back.
00:25:31.160 Obviously. So you heard the interview.
00:25:33.160 Um, you heard the side of the sisters who interviewed certain sisters out there.
00:25:37.160 Now I just want to wrap it up. Obviously, before we went to the story,
00:25:40.160 I wanted to acknowledge and tell you guys that obviously there's a two sides to the story.
00:25:44.160 Yes. But we spoke with the brother. He's genuine.
00:25:47.160 And he told, as you heard it for yourself, he said, I had my own mistakes.
00:25:50.160 He didn't just say, okay, it's her. I spent it. She wanted me to spend it.
00:25:53.160 No, he just gave his side to the story.
00:25:55.160 So inshallah, you guys understand and don't jump to assumption.
00:25:57.160 Obviously, if we had the capability of getting in contact with the sister here aside, we would have.
00:26:01.160 But obviously we didn't have the ability to do that.
00:26:03.160 So I just wanted to clarify that.
00:26:04.160 But apart from that, I just want to give you guys a quickness here on basically when you're looking for marriage,
00:26:09.160 what you should be looking for, what to do to get more barakah in your marriage.
00:26:12.160 Obviously, the Prophet SAW said, when you're getting married and you're looking for an individual, 0.88
00:26:16.160 you should look for four characters.
00:26:18.160 Number one, their status, their wealth, their beauty and their deen.
00:26:22.160 But obviously, Prophet Muhammad SAW said, and the thing that you should look for is the deen. 0.86
00:26:27.160 That would be the best for you.
00:26:28.160 So we should learn that and know about that.
00:26:31.160 And this goes to me as well.
00:26:32.160 Also, the Prophet Muhammad SAW said, the marriage that has the most barakah in is the one that's done simple. 0.90
00:26:38.160 And obviously, we've learned a story from the brother's side as well.
00:26:41.160 And this happens a lot of times.
00:26:42.160 So this is really important.
00:26:44.160 And as we know, brothers and sisters, Allah SWT knows best in everything.
00:26:48.160 And that's why they tell us to take certain actions for what's best for us.
00:26:51.160 So if we do not take heed and don't understand this and go along and say, okay, we know best.
00:26:56.160 Certain things might not go to plan, obviously.
00:26:59.160 I just want to mention a few studies that's actually been done, which proves this.
00:27:04.160 Once again, look at the miracles of the Prophet SAW.
00:27:06.160 And I just want to tell you the study that's been carried out.
00:27:09.160 Okay, so brothers and sisters, I'm just going to go through the study that's done by BigThink.com.
00:27:13.160 You can check it out for yourself.
00:27:14.160 It says that the two professors that did this study say that the Emirates study surveyed 3,000 people who got married only once.
00:27:22.160 It found that men who had spent between 2,000 to 4,000 pounds on an engagement ring was 1.3 times more likely to divorce.
00:27:30.160 And those who had spent 500 to 2,000 pounds was less likely to.
00:27:35.160 And also it says that for couples spending over 20,000 pounds on a wedding increased the chances of divorce by 3.5 times compared to those whose budget was around 5,000 to 10,000 pounds.
00:27:46.160 And also the studies show by the professor that they clearly say the more out of control a couple's wedding budget grows, the shorter their marriage will tend to last.
00:27:54.160 According to a new study by two Emory University economic professors, excessive spending on the engagement ring also correlated with higher divorce rates.
00:28:03.160 So obviously, we don't put our trust.
00:28:06.160 Obviously, the studies are there.
00:28:07.160 We respect that.
00:28:08.160 But obviously, I've got to remind you guys, the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, he told us this.
00:28:13.160 Spend less.
00:28:14.160 Make it simple.
00:28:15.160 And there'll be more barakah in your marriage. 0.99
00:28:17.160 And regarding, obviously, I want to clear a certain misconception.
00:28:19.160 The brother, when he was interviewing him, obviously, he said that he himself believed that spending that amount of money or maybe being in a haram relationship before that may have caused the divorce.
00:28:31.160 We don't know.
00:28:32.160 Maybe.
00:28:33.160 But again, I just want to let you guys know that obviously, if you repent, sincerely, if you're in a haram relationship and you repent, Allah is the most forgiving, the most merciful.
00:28:41.160 So I want to highlight that.
00:28:42.160 I don't want you guys to think, okay, I'm in a haram relationship.
00:28:44.160 I can't get married.
00:28:45.160 No.
00:28:46.160 If you repent, your Lord is all forgiven, most merciful.
00:28:48.160 Guys, thank you very much for watching.
00:28:49.160 Hope you guys benefited.
00:28:50.160 Share this with your friends, inshallah.
00:28:52.160 And once again, I said, if you're in a haram relationship and you want to come out, watch the reality series from one, part one to part eight, and obviously this one.
00:28:58.160 May Allah's mercy and blessings be upon you all.
00:29:00.160 Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.