In this episode, we speak to a brother who shares his story of how he got out of a haram relationship and how he managed to get out of it. He shares his experience and how it changed his life. He also talks about what he looks for in a husband and why he doesn't want to get married again.
00:09:31.960Let's do it like this, make it smaller.
00:09:34.900But, you know, at the time, we didn't care.
00:09:36.880At the time, I was blind to that fact.
00:09:39.540I mean, so now you're like, I'm married, what happened?
00:09:43.260Did things, did you see things going, life was good or there's things that have to change or there's things that go down here or what happened?
00:09:49.260Um, it was the first few days and, like, the first month and so, it was all good.
00:09:56.800You know, you're getting used to it and stuff.
00:09:59.320And then, I mean, we went on a holiday and everything together, which we spent a lot of money on as well.
00:10:07.980But, you know, it was good until, obviously, there was certain flaws that were kicking in, you know.
00:10:14.180I don't want to go too in detail the reason why we broke up.
00:10:20.320Um, however, um, if I go a little bit into it, actually, um, it would be little accusations and little actions that caused the end result of us separating.
00:10:37.100Honestly, I don't, I know, I mean, like, I don't really care much for worldly things, like money and stuff like that.
00:10:41.720But then again, like, you know, it seems a bit lazy, like, you know, you're going to do when a guy who works.
00:10:48.200I read, like, you know, um, the bridal gift, like, what do you think about, like, how much would you want?
00:11:05.440As long as he's a good person and that, you know, our marriage is, you know, beneficial and it's blessed, then, alhamdulillah, I don't really care much for, like, the gift or...
00:11:15.720But, um, speaking to us, I just wondered, uh, what are the three key qualities, like, you'd look for if you were looking for a prospective husband?
00:11:39.780I think that's quite hard to find these days.
00:11:42.240And also, um, he has to be God-fearing in the way that he understands the true Islam and not the sort of, the cultural kind of warped version.
00:12:33.020Well, the first one would be definitely, like, taqwa, like, God-fearingness, um, and piety.
00:12:38.820And, like, obviously, if he fears God, then he'll treat me right.
00:12:42.740And, obviously, like, inshallah, that'll help me get to Jenna.
00:12:46.320So, that would be, like, definitely number one.
00:12:49.360I think number two, um, would definitely be something like, um, you know, like, the same interests, obviously, because then you'd click.
00:12:56.600What about education? Is that important for you?
00:12:59.020Um, for me personally, yeah, definitely, like, education, because I'm in education.
00:13:03.900Like, I think it would be, like, I would feel like I'm, like, you know, we have more in common that way, isn't it?
00:13:09.480Because if I've been, like, if I've been to uni and, like, I've got a degree kind of thing, um, then I would like him to have that.
00:13:17.240And how about, like, the maher, and in terms of money?
00:13:21.900Um, in terms of money, Allah, I've actually not thought about that, subhanAllah.
00:13:26.920But I wouldn't, I would definitely not ask for something ridiculous.
00:13:29.840Like, I don't think, um, that's, I don't think that's right, you know, asking for something ridiculous, like, a large amount, I wouldn't do that.
00:13:37.160But definitely, like, you know, the Prophet gave this to us as a right, like, that's our right.
00:13:42.060So, we shouldn't really be, um, like, complacent with that.
00:13:46.540Like, we should be, like, okay, you know, ask for a good amount, but not too much, obviously.
00:13:50.880Um, but I haven't really thought of it much more than that, to be honest.
00:13:53.740Do you know of any sisters that ask for a lot, or, you know, maybe are looking for just money, or anything like that?
00:13:58.920Um, I don't know of a lot of sisters who have asked for a lot, but I know, like, a lot of sisters, um, like, expensive rings and all of that stuff.
00:14:08.900Could you see yourself marrying a bus driver, someone that, um, takes out the rubbish, collects the rubbish?
00:14:13.240Um, to be honest, yeah, if he had a really good level of religion, and, um, and I thought that this person had a lot of, um, common, I don't know, like, we had a lot of common things.
00:14:28.900Um, like, I wouldn't, I wouldn't just say no because of that, do you know what I mean?
00:14:33.320Bridal gift, like, the maher? What, what about that? Do you, do you ask about a lot of money, and all, like, big house and stuff? I think that's just so stupid.
00:14:42.220I think the less you take is more barakat, I think, anyway, but obviously, I don't know, I haven't really looked into it myself, but I think that's not an issue, and I don't know, to be honest, but...
00:14:52.320Can you see yourself asking for a lot?
00:14:54.960Not really, like, I'm not one of those people who are like, I want, you know, diamonds and a million pounds, and I'm not going to be, like, thinking of things that are unrealistic, so, yeah.
00:15:05.820So, basically, the way it was that she, she started checking through my phone, and she started checking through sort of things that I, I didn't mind her looking through, it was fine, she hadn't passed it to my phone and stuff, and, you know, I didn't mind her doing that, but she would do it in certain times and things that caused me to think,
00:15:24.140you don't trust me, and that was like, it happened after we got married, and I thought, you know, I've married this person, she trusted me for five years, why does she not trust me now?
00:15:33.560But, I don't want to get two persons, was there an incident that led her to think maybe you might be? Why did this concern come out of nowhere?
00:15:43.840The incident that, there wasn't really an incident prior to the marriage, there wasn't any, a major incident between me and her prior to the marriage.
00:15:52.260It was just the actions that she was making, the movements that she was doing during the period of our marriage, you know, where she started looking through my phone while I'd be sleeping, you know, like, I'd get up in the middle of the night and she'd find, and I'd find her on my phone, I'm like, what are you doing on my phone?
00:16:07.940And she wouldn't have a correct answer.
00:16:10.980But was there something that you might have done that matter to her?
00:16:13.680Well, this is the thing, what happened, like, I learned up to my, like I said, I'm not, I'm not here to expose it, I learned up to my thing.
00:16:18.740So, obviously, these things were happening, I actually went in the wrong direction and asked the wrong kind of, wrong person for the advice that I should have asked for.
00:16:26.600So, instead, I went and asked a friend, a friend that I had from before, who was a female, and that aggravated the situation.
00:16:35.780So, obviously, it was stress, I was stressed out, you know, it was happening quite often during the marriage, it was like, this trust issue.
00:16:46.820I was, I took, I had sabr for a while, you know, I held on to the fact that, you know what, she'll come round it, she'll come round it, she'll come round it, and she didn't.
00:16:57.140Oh, so prior, she just started checking?
00:16:58.940Yeah, she said, it's not even just a phone, like, I'll make it sound like it's just a phone, it's not just a phone, there was other stuff, like other questioning that, you know, you'd be having a conversation with your wife,
00:17:07.960and then she'd drop a question on you, like, oh, where was you when this, when I was here, or where was you when this, why was you so late home and stuff.
00:17:14.700And now, to be honest, I've got three jobs, I don't have time to be doing stuff like this, so, you know, it was just a bit wary, it was just a bit worrying that she didn't trust me.
00:17:24.080Okay, but you didn't do anything that set off that mistrust?
00:17:34.920And you see, as now, obviously you're all married and so on, where was the religion for you at the time?
00:17:42.200How was it, like, you know, because she was, she's someone who was studying.
00:17:46.720Yeah, so, you know, like, when we got married, I thought that she's going to come and she's going to help me out even more.
00:17:52.940I thought my belief in my deen was going to get stronger, you know, and, like, you know, you're married and you complete half your religion, that's the saying, and I thought it's going to get stronger.
00:18:03.240But it just got weaker, it just got weaker, you know, we wasn't praying, we wasn't doing anything during the time of marriage.
00:18:08.940And I think that's what went wrong, you know, I think that's where it all started going wrong, where we, because we just had this big wedding, and then after that, we kind of maybe drifted away from the religion.
00:18:23.160So, once you started drifted, you saw things change?
00:18:25.160Yeah, between ourselves, like, it was just getting negative, everything that we were doing just being negative, and then, you know, it's come down to a point where we're not together no more.
00:18:33.160And what was the, if you want to answer it, if not, what was the final straw where he was like, you know what, this is it, and...
00:18:43.160It was the respect side, there was just no respect given to me as a husband, there was no respect given to my family, and that's when I decided that it's enough, enough is enough, you know.
00:19:06.160And, obviously, I got someone involved by, outside of my marriage, by speaking to someone female, but I didn't risk my family into it.
00:19:14.160I didn't risk my family, that's why I didn't, that's the whole, I didn't go to my family, because I didn't want them to feel, think bad of her, or me.
00:23:51.160Um, so yeah, it has, but it doesn't mean that I don't believe that there's women out there that are good.
00:23:57.160I'm sure there's sisters out there that have the respect that a man would want from, from a woman.
00:24:03.160Um, it has affected my trust in women, but it doesn't mean to say that I don't believe that there's women out there that are not worthy of marrying.
00:24:11.160And there's not women that I can't trust. There will be someone out there.
00:24:15.160Uh, another question mentioned, uh, the reason for your interest or for this person, was it our beauty?
00:24:25.160I mean, what attracted you to the person? Was it because she was someone so beautiful or was it because...
00:24:29.160Well, this is, this is the question which actually I ask myself now because I don't think it was because of beauty
00:24:37.160and I don't think it was because of her being pious. I think it was because of the personality that she showed me.
00:24:44.160She showed me she's that person that I wanted, you know, the, the respectful girl, the person that can respect my family,
00:24:50.160respect herself, respect me as a husband. That's what I saw. And I thought that's what's, that, that's,
00:24:56.160it's going to be perfect for me to marry that person that can respect me in that way.
00:25:00.160And no, I didn't get that back. So I didn't marry her because of her beauty or pious.
00:25:05.160I mean, I would recommend to people to marry people that are pious, but you know, again, you need to analyze that person.
00:25:12.160You know, someone can show you that they're pious, but it doesn't mean behind the scenes they might not be.
00:25:17.160So, uh, okay. Um, you know, I think that's it. We're going to take it.
00:27:14.160It says that the two professors that did this study say that the Emirates study surveyed 3,000 people who got married only once.
00:27:22.160It found that men who had spent between 2,000 to 4,000 pounds on an engagement ring was 1.3 times more likely to divorce.
00:27:30.160And those who had spent 500 to 2,000 pounds was less likely to.
00:27:35.160And also it says that for couples spending over 20,000 pounds on a wedding increased the chances of divorce by 3.5 times compared to those whose budget was around 5,000 to 10,000 pounds.
00:27:46.160And also the studies show by the professor that they clearly say the more out of control a couple's wedding budget grows, the shorter their marriage will tend to last.
00:27:54.160According to a new study by two Emory University economic professors, excessive spending on the engagement ring also correlated with higher divorce rates.
00:28:15.160And there'll be more barakah in your marriage.
00:28:17.160And regarding, obviously, I want to clear a certain misconception.
00:28:19.160The brother, when he was interviewing him, obviously, he said that he himself believed that spending that amount of money or maybe being in a haram relationship before that may have caused the divorce.
00:28:33.160But again, I just want to let you guys know that obviously, if you repent, sincerely, if you're in a haram relationship and you repent, Allah is the most forgiving, the most merciful.
00:28:50.160Share this with your friends, inshallah.
00:28:52.160And once again, I said, if you're in a haram relationship and you want to come out, watch the reality series from one, part one to part eight, and obviously this one.
00:28:58.160May Allah's mercy and blessings be upon you all.