Ali Dawah - WHY WOMAN CHEAT IN MARRIAGES？ - EP 23 ｜

00:00:00.000 neglecting your wife if you neglect your wife and you give her not a lot of attention and the way

00:00:05.200 she beautifies herself for you the way she cooks for you the way she respects you then she's going

00:00:09.040 to go elsewhere yeah i've noticed that anytime a woman is caught it's your fault it's because of

00:00:14.080 you rather than confiding in you as a husband she confines in her male colleague and says look i'm

00:00:20.400 going through this i'm going through that and then he says oh it's okay i'm gonna be here for you

00:00:25.160 that that is specifically that the the cheating process starts when she disconnects herself from

00:00:32.140 her husband so there has to be an element of disconnect first it's not all the time this

00:00:35.960 problem that other man is not uh taking all the boxes now sometimes he does take all the boxes but

00:00:40.180 they still will find the problem to kind of do certain things to make excuses for the actions

00:00:43.740 i called my wife up i said sir listen i've just finished with work i may or may not be taking

00:00:47.660 you out but get your stuff ready anyway i had it even decided that's so inconsistent

00:00:52.020 they need to know exactly i feel like i feel like they usually will seek out a man who is

00:00:59.120 very kind and gentle and considerate and over like giving with no boundaries insecure man

00:01:05.280 insecure man so they would seek that intentionally yes yes let me tell you why there's been a

00:01:09.360 fundamental neglect of their feminine needs point but that is not an excuse to as a female to go out

00:01:15.280 and treat your husband in such a way if you come from the pakistani background they don't really talk

00:01:18.940 about anything like that what happens at home or if they'll get any problems why are you talking if

00:01:23.060 they go to their family don't talk about your husband like that you know i mean to raise a

00:01:26.680 concern in that area of the marriage would automatically make you feel as a man emasculated

00:01:32.120 and therefore there's a fear to address it if you are asking me these questions if you are unsatisfied

00:01:37.380 that must mean you've had prior experience wow and that was her first marriage so closing remarks

00:01:42.600 why women cheat um i don't know

00:01:45.860 defend against the rapid spread of mycoplasma pneumonia aka white lung disease using black

00:02:07.220 resins silajit packed with immune boosting properties silajit has been scientifically proven

00:02:12.600 to promote respiratory health aiding in oxygen absorption while also making the body infection

00:02:18.760 resistant strengthen your family's immune system ahead of the new outbreak this winter

00:02:23.780 don't forget to use my discount code alidawah for 15% off enjoy

00:02:28.000 assalamualaikum warahmatullahi barakatuh brothers and sisters and dear friends welcome to another episode

00:02:31.920 of the bitter trip show inshallah hope you guys are well um i think it's been one year since we

00:02:36.040 started the bitter trip show i think it was in december uh but brothers and sisters inshallah

00:02:39.800 hope you hope this the show has benefited you guys uh we're trying to understand each other better

00:02:44.460 uh of course we have evidence from the quran and sunnah sometimes we give our opinions as well there

00:02:48.680 is nothing wrong with giving our opinions as long as it's permissible it's halal um which is important

00:02:52.920 as well if you would like to be a panelist you can apply at the bitter truth show at gmail.com

00:02:58.120 and we film usually once a month uh so if you want to apply you can um and before i start i want to

00:03:04.180 praise allah subhanahu wa ta'ala the most most of the most just or praise his glory and gratitude

00:03:07.240 should belong to him um and we're going to get straight into it today's topic is a little bit

00:03:10.540 controversial but again this is very important for us to understand dynamics the inner works the

00:03:14.740 hard wiring of both men and women when it comes to these matters uh only then i think these things

00:03:19.460 will improve us because i think the biggest thing that we lack is men don't understand women and

00:03:23.340 women don't understand men if we understand each other better we can get along uh inshallah in a much

00:03:27.600 peaceful way so today's topic is quite controversial but it is the topic of why men and women become

00:03:33.940 disloyal yeah so we want to know what causes a woman to go down the route of disloyalty what causes a man

00:03:40.760 to go down the route of disloyalty and then again we need to define from a man's perspective what is

00:03:46.480 disloyalty because in islam obviously a man is allowed to marry more than one wife so some may deem

00:03:51.600 that to be disloyalty but in the in the sight of allah subhanahu wa ta'ala that man on the yama

00:03:55.840 has nothing on him except if he has oppressed one wife over the other which one of the hadith of

00:04:00.680 the prophet muhammad peace be upon him he said that man will come on their judgment reclining on

00:04:03.960 one side because he favored one over the other it is a serious topic it's an important topic so yes

00:04:09.100 let's start off with um why women because men it seems like men can be culprits in that sense where

00:04:15.720 you know and we know from the hadith that the biggest fitna for a man or that hit bani israel was

00:04:21.320 woman um and we know like you know um many instances in the quran and the sunnah that you

00:04:27.040 know it is our biggest weakness we'll come into we'll come to that in a minute but let's start off

00:04:31.420 with um should we start with the brothers why men are why women are disloyal or should we go to the

00:04:37.480 sisters maybe from their perspective or let's go to the sisters okay so sisters so what leads a woman

00:04:42.620 so in a nutshell obviously we as men we know ourselves we can talk about what leads a man but what would

00:04:49.080 you say is the causes that leads and by the way just a quick disclaimer um this obviously is

00:04:54.180 something that is haram it is something that is a major sin um in that sense where there's a capital

00:04:58.880 punishment and we know what the capital punishment is i don't need to go into detail um and also um

00:05:03.220 just something to touch upon there was a woman at the time of the prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam

00:05:06.280 who came to the prophet muhammad peace be upon him and said that i committed this act and the

00:05:09.900 prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam refused to accept it from her and just you know just ignored

00:05:13.680 ignored until she was like look i've done this and then she said okay he said you are pregnant

00:05:18.120 once you give birth come back so the prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was trying to tell

00:05:21.240 her look just repent in a nutshell you don't have to go through this she gave birth and she still

00:05:26.280 came and she was she of the capital punishment applied to her which was stoning and she um once

00:05:31.640 this happened some of the blood blood actually spluttered on one of the companion's feet and he

00:05:35.780 kind of looked at in a despised way and the prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said the repentance

00:05:40.080 that she did now is sufficient enough for i think he said the whole of medina so we might look at

00:05:45.980 that person and despise them and no in the sight of allah what she did was so it like something that

00:05:53.060 to be praiseworthy that she went down that to be cleansed in this life that the prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam

00:05:57.180 said her the repentance will be enough for medina yeah so these people people can fall into this we

00:06:02.040 don't look down upon them we ask allah subhanahu alayhi wa sallam to rectify their faith but to know

00:06:05.380 it's also a major major sin inshallah um so let's start off with let's start with sit the dopamine

00:06:10.360 this is dopamine um what causes a woman to go down the route of thinking about disloyalty and also

00:06:16.840 from a woman's perspective does disloyalty come just by argument say committing zina or is disloyalty

00:06:22.740 for a woman starts emotionally i would say emotionally first um but in my personal opinion

00:06:29.160 it's two reasons um one being neglect if you've got a loving caring wife and she's not a jinabel

00:06:35.640 okay so the other ones she's just a shaytana she wants to do haram she's not in love with you

00:06:41.380 but the first one is neglecting your wife if you neglect your wife and you give her not a lot of

00:06:47.620 attention and you don't pay attention to her the way she beautifies herself for you the way she cooks

00:06:53.040 for you the way she respects you then she's going to go elsewhere she's going to try to seek that from

00:06:58.380 some other guy or some other outlet um and then the second one is she's just a jinabel and someone

00:07:06.160 who's seeking to do she's a toxic female jinabel she wants to go and have illicit illegal relationships

00:07:13.720 with other men and she doesn't love you because for a woman to do that in my opinion again if a woman

00:07:19.580 cheats on a man like in a you know has intimate relationships with another man she doesn't love

00:07:25.560 the man she's done it too sorry so the first puzzle of the day alhamdulillah i congratulate you

00:07:30.880 may allah bless you inshallah so you have one and a half minutes i'm going to time you now nobody can

00:07:34.240 interrupt him your time starts now okay um bismillah alhamdulillah salatu wassalam ala rasulillah

00:07:39.240 it shouldn't take that long um before we begin um i think it's very i want to understand how you're

00:07:46.080 defining the word uh dis disloyal what is emotional cheating and otherwise because um to be honest i

00:07:52.100 i don't understand what you're talking about so okay okay what do you define as disloyal can you

00:07:57.580 give us some demonstrate like what do you uh disloyal an emotional perspective can you what what is

00:08:02.840 yeah tell us what's emotional disloyalty like tell us the stages a woman will take it can happen in

00:08:07.500 different stages like for instance let's just take a woman who goes to work and her husband's like i

00:08:12.300 said there's two reasons why a woman may step out of her marriage emotionally or physically and the

00:08:18.160 first said if you neglect her rights okay which is giving her attention taking you know care of how

00:08:24.240 you speak to her and how she looks when she beautifies herself you're not you're neglecting

00:08:27.620 your wife so she'll then start to probably meet or speak to other guys she'll find an outlet

00:08:32.420 she'll find an outlet i don't know what way but she'll probably start talking to another person

00:08:37.200 through texting at work how does island college is there a specific protocol should i say they take

00:08:43.860 like for example it starts with for example wanting attention from a co-worker and then from the

00:08:47.700 is there a specific process woman take because for men i we can talk about that but what is it like

00:08:52.520 it starts from emotional i wouldn't personally know because i've never cheated on someone yeah but

00:08:56.520 but but let me just say if i was to be a in a situation like that remember what i said we're

00:09:04.280 looking for the man to pay us attention if it's not paying us attention we can go to any outlet and try

00:09:09.900 to seek that attention whether it's going online posting pictures going and and doing just like crazy

00:09:16.000 stuff just to seek attention from another male because it's not happening at home so if the

00:09:20.640 woman's at work like i said she could be getting attention from male um colleagues if she's in

00:09:25.420 college a teacher a tutor whatever it may be but i don't know how it may start off but that's what

00:09:31.680 i'm saying the outlets are there and if she's not getting their attention at home she's going to go

00:09:35.880 and seek it elsewhere so okay so i hope that made sense um i i understand what you're saying um

00:09:43.480 so when you say emotional cheating um i'm not i still don't know what that means per se but what

00:09:51.420 you're saying is the act of cheating i didn't say emotional cheating by the way i don't i don't know

00:09:55.160 where that came from in the sense bro for example like argument's sake she can be going and putting

00:10:00.420 stuff on instagram yeah and you with attention to get attention from not even that like emotional

00:10:05.720 just one one for example a guy just caught sorry baby let me just let me just say okay i think i

00:10:11.820 know what you mean about emotional cheating like it's not physical right but if a woman is interacting

00:10:16.700 with a man and i thought about this today someone's liking someone's pictures right is that class

00:10:20.900 the cheating as well because you're actually looking at the person you're lusting over them

00:10:23.960 i don't know but emotionally a woman is everything's emotional and mental for us anyway

00:10:28.900 okay so if a guy acts as our accesses our mental and he starts texting or talking to you that would

00:10:34.380 be for me classed as emotional cheating that's fine in that sense maybe move the discussion on a bit so

00:10:39.980 are you saying from the way you kind of presented it it's kind of like uh the man's uh prerogative for

00:10:46.460 why this happened absolutely to what extent does the woman take responsibility for that cheating

00:10:50.640 for the crime that she's committed yeah one thing that i noticed that i don't know like

00:10:56.080 just to kind of general by the way we're talking about let's talk about third person woman men

00:10:58.980 yeah i've noticed that anytime a woman is caught it's your fault like you should be i don't know

00:11:05.120 if this is i've seen this a lot like you watch this on instagram videos etc where she would be like

00:11:08.860 it's because of you like what you said now which um there is a whole like phenomenon about women

00:11:13.200 don't like taking accountability but basically in a nutshell emotional cheating is bro the emotional

00:11:18.100 things that she wants from you the attention you do not give it she replaces it with someone

00:11:21.580 else so she cheating is not in the physical sense it's in the emotional sense she expects that from

00:11:25.240 you you do not give it to her she will find it somewhere else can't she do that anyway without

00:11:28.460 giving it she receives it from her husband she can but she's saying here that for example it's

00:11:34.720 sufficient from the husband if the husband doesn't give it she would go and seek it elsewhere so the

00:11:38.700 cheating is not necessarily committing zina which cheating in islamist zina is penetration happening

00:11:43.400 we're not talking about that we're talking about for example emotional neglect she's like i will go and

00:11:47.960 fulfill that via my friends zoned individuals or other people my tutor whoever's for that matter

00:11:53.360 who's telling me nice things things that i crave i get it from that person basically basically

00:11:57.720 obviously as a provider as a provider you provide not just find the financial needs or whatever you

00:12:05.100 you also provide the emotional need that's a basic necessity especially for a woman but if she's not

00:12:12.500 getting that home it's a it's a natural it's a natural need it's a basic need it's a human need

00:12:18.920 for her so she will naturally without obviously like intentionally wanting to she will seek it out

00:12:25.960 let's say let's say let's say she's working and it's a male colleague rather than confiding in you

00:12:32.320 as a husband she confines in her male colleague confides in her male colleague and says look i'm

00:12:40.080 going through this i'm going through that and then he says oh it's okay i'm i'm gonna be here for you

00:12:45.800 that that specifically that that and then so then eventually they build a connection because she's now

00:12:54.340 now she's got her outlet because her husband's neglected her for a while and that outlet is her colleague

00:13:01.080 a scenario per se um and she goes to him on a regular basis it's not cheating the first time

00:13:08.240 but then now she's going to him on a regular basis i'm going i'm going through this and i'm going to

00:13:13.660 i feel like this and this is what's happened in my life um and and i need you i need you and that's

00:13:20.720 when it becomes emotional cheating she's cheating so when she starts to depend on another man

00:13:26.440 another man for her emotional needs yeah does that make sense so not physical there could be a man

00:13:31.020 who's physically yeah but emotionally the guy is not that he's absent yeah but this can lead to the

00:13:36.360 physical cheating as well yeah yeah because they build that connection with each other yes do we so

00:13:40.980 do you sisters agree with that yeah but just to go back again you ask the question all right so i deal

00:13:45.840 with the question yes you ask me what why a woman would cheat and it's because you neglect her emotional

00:13:52.600 needs you neglecting her in that way so when you said oh is it the brother's fault yeah and the brother

00:13:58.740 will be called to account if his wife actually does go out and cheat on him because you shouldn't be

00:14:02.840 neglecting her in that way and she's going to go and seek it somewhere else she she would obviously

00:14:07.460 obviously we're talking in general terms as well but general terms she um uh i don't think it gives

00:14:11.660 her reason to do that for example she can say you know what this man man is not emotionally

00:14:15.620 satisfying me and i would like a divorce because i fear that i will go and do something haram

00:14:19.660 so i don't think because woman tends to run away from accountability but in this instance i don't

00:14:23.780 think she can run away from this in the sense where if that is the case yes you can talk this man is

00:14:28.120 not giving i've communicated to him i've talked to him i need this i'm trying to vent out you're not

00:14:31.840 going to be there for me then instead of going to the direction because allah says in the quran

00:14:35.340 don't even come near to it coming near to is having co-friends etc male friends in that for the get-go

00:14:40.400 anyways so i would say we can't read accountability and blame the man she has responsibility you don't

00:14:45.600 like it divorce him go get married to someone but there is there is okay i get what you're saying

00:14:50.680 i 100 get what you're saying um at the end of the day doesn't matter what what how much he neglects

00:14:58.560 her the fact that she committed the act herself the responsibility does come down to her we're not

00:15:05.360 saying that she's not responsible she is responsible but then the man also reason but

00:15:10.560 the man also he also plays a level of responsibility in that they're both they both the reason why she

00:15:17.860 went and emotionally cheated which eventually let's say led to physical cheating was the fact that she

00:15:23.520 was being her emotions were being like neglected in the first the source the source was was the fact that

00:15:29.420 her emotional needs weren't being met on on that basis though um it's important to point out that

00:15:35.300 it's a man's validation because everything you guys mentioned um she could get it from a female

00:15:39.980 right so also there must be it's not the same she can't she can't if she can't again my experience

00:15:47.160 is limited in this sense but if a woman can get emotional support from a woman um but she's trying

00:15:52.300 to get it from a man what's the difference between the emotional support a man provides compared to a

00:15:56.420 woman it's a different which we're going to find out now two women can't be in a relationship

00:16:02.240 another thing before we come to the brothers is also uh sister ghazane and inshallah

00:16:06.380 this is the perfect um a fahana sister fahana sorry i'll get the system mixed up uh mixed up so

00:16:11.720 um also would you say that the lack of masculinity in a man does it also lead a woman to be disloyal

00:16:17.180 oh yeah a lack of masculinity it's very important can we have you two touch upon it please inshallah

00:16:21.200 so a lack of masculinity does this lead to a man because by your nature you want a man that's a

00:16:26.680 leader a provider someone masculine when that lacks does that play a role in pushing or like you know

00:16:31.340 despise that man like um i would say personally it's not the reason i feel a woman would kind of

00:16:39.660 move away from that relationship because of a lack of masculinity there is a level of patience and

00:16:46.020 support that we try to go through to before that becomes the be all and end all but i don't

00:16:52.400 actually think that um i think first and foremost it's really important to clarify for me like i feel

00:16:58.760 that um men cheating and women cheating starts off very differently and the motives start off very

00:17:05.840 differently for example um i would say that females the the cheating process starts when she

00:17:14.260 disconnects herself from her husband so there has to be an element of disconnect first before she

00:17:20.260 then has the idea of seeking the validation or the emotions from someone else whereas i feel with

00:17:27.380 males the cheating starts it's not they don't need to disconnect from the existing wife to then

00:17:34.740 form another connection whereas females do and so it is quite a long process it's not just something

00:17:40.320 that happens on a whim um you know it's it's actually you know females fight i don't have

00:17:47.060 experience by the way just a disclaimer but i'm just getting into to our psych um you know why that

00:17:51.900 could happen is that it is a long process of disconnecting and it's got to be a succession of

00:17:58.620 disappointments that the the husband has demonstrated towards her before she gets to the point of seeking

00:18:05.080 um compassion or attention or love or validation from someone else so i feel like it's a more of a

00:18:13.080 serious journey for when females end up in that um compromised situation than when it does for males and

00:18:20.620 this is why i also feel that um women generally are more forgiving of males um cheating than women

00:18:29.500 because we understand inherently that a woman's actually gone through a whole long process of

00:18:35.800 disconnect before that if that if it ends up into a physical act that before she even got to that

00:18:43.000 position i also believe that for the most part if it does get to the physical um aspect for a woman

00:18:50.020 that she's had to battle a lot or is actually feeling stuck actually in that relationship that

00:18:58.500 didn't allow her to just leave the marriage to then you know proceed with another relationship

00:19:03.960 because in my mind if you were if i was ever going to feel that way that's the process i would take i

00:19:10.300 wouldn't resort to that it would just be end the relationship you know marry someone else that's it

00:19:16.500 but for for that to happen something fundamentally must be wrong in her life opportunities in the

00:19:25.200 existing marriage for for that to kind of coincide with the marriage that acts to um overlap with

00:19:32.180 having a husband and having um i don't know what to call him a lover side side person yeah it's not

00:19:40.520 even a side thing it's totally different yes it's not because you guys are monogamous by nature

00:19:44.720 you know sis i i get you know what you just you've explained that so beautifully that there is a

00:19:49.680 mental process that goes behind it but i was just gonna i wanted to touch upon what buddha ali dhawa

00:19:54.600 said about the lack of respect there are some women out there who have like a certain type of

00:20:01.600 personality specifically narcissistic personality types they usually will seek out a man who is very

00:20:10.840 kind and gentle and considerate and over like giving with no boundaries um and he doesn't he kind of

00:20:20.440 lacks a backbone in um standing up for himself and women insecure man insecure man you say they would

00:20:30.220 seek that intentionally yes yes let me tell you why let me tell you that guy would never be the main

00:20:35.600 guy they narcissistic women specifically will seek out these type of women because that man will

00:20:42.640 provide he will provide and he will bend over backwards for her he's giving her basic necessities

00:20:49.960 that she needs so she doesn't have to work she doesn't need to do all those things um and he's very

00:20:54.700 overgiving while she goes and does her thing there's there are women out there who will take advantage of

00:21:03.080 men who sorry you describe as insecure but like yeah in a to a to a to a certain extent they are insecure

00:21:11.120 are you saying they would seek to marry these men yes there there are women there are women who will

00:21:15.920 seek to marry these type of men because of the advantages that comes with it but then also the fact that

00:21:21.320 they can do what they want to do yes so we're gonna we're gonna go to brother sataj and brother

00:21:25.620 as well we need to really understand this dynamics we need to listen to our sisters very carefully

00:21:28.960 because this is the dynamics of of a woman they're hypergamous by nature and if there's certain

00:21:33.380 things that they can't they can't find in that perfect man they would it's it's it's like they

00:21:37.660 would have it's like something um you it's it's temporary until you find the one you know it's it's

00:21:45.260 most times but sartaj and then brother mahti so i i have a lot of experience with seeing women

00:21:51.340 cheating on their partners because the places are working and i kind of see like married women or women in

00:21:57.860 relationships they come out uh they got husbands at home and they come out and maybe go with someone

00:22:04.600 else or don't do things and that but the main thing comes from this is is the situation starts at home

00:22:11.660 if the man is not like doing this part at home or listening to them or doing certain things but a lot

00:22:19.160 of women would pick on these little things to make excuses for themselves okay so things we have to

00:22:23.700 understand that it's not all the time this problem that are the man is not uh ticking all the boxes

00:22:29.120 now sometimes he does tick all the boxes but they still will find the problem to kind of do certain

00:22:34.180 things to make excuses for the actions okay but the thing is the main thing is in islamic in in our

00:22:41.000 muslim community if it happens is she's not she's not getting what she wants at home and when she goes

00:22:48.320 outside gets her from someone else and it's hard for women to do that but but then but then starts

00:22:55.200 from a conversation someone showing that interest in her or being there for her and she when she goes

00:23:00.080 home the husband is too busy he might not even know it he's doing this and the thing is a lot of time

00:23:06.320 women need to talk to their husband to say look um i need to talk to you you need to listen to me you

00:23:11.980 know i've got this problem but sometimes they won't have that communication then she'll go off

00:23:15.980 start talking to someone starts your conversation then slowly slowly lead to zana and this is how it

00:23:22.320 starts off so i think that's okay you've got one and a half minutes starting now i feel like women

00:23:28.760 are very vocal and i don't feel that any woman just cheats willy-nilly you know it's not just something

00:23:34.460 you do on the side like i feel maybe the male biology can much naturally easily um do um also

00:23:43.060 you also have to question whether the man sold her a lie and maybe that's why she's become unhappy

00:23:50.140 what have you sold her the marriage to be maybe at the beginning you know it was all lovely and you

00:23:55.660 know you had promises and dreams and etc maybe life has come in the way and you've both slowed down you

00:24:01.280 know in in achieving those objectives or those things that you had passion for but someone along the

00:24:07.460 way has um been neglected we go back to that word but it it's not a very easy process to just

00:24:15.080 go to work get a bit of attention from males i mean we've all been to work you know for many years

00:24:22.520 and of course females get attention and in in between we've been married you know we've had

00:24:28.780 children and 40 seconds it doesn't mean that because someone else has given me attention that

00:24:34.140 i'm going to latch on to that just very easily like something fundamental has to have broken down

00:24:39.860 in the relationship can i can i go to math before can i just land this please i think i don't please

00:24:47.160 don't get me wrong i have to mention this because if people don't talk about it incompetency in the

00:24:52.920 bedroom excuse me everyone i'm sure we're all adults in here but that could also be another deciding

00:24:57.600 factor a lot of people don't talk about it there's men that have issues do you know i mean there's

00:25:03.060 things going on and i'm just i have to mention it for the viewers because people may be suffering

00:25:08.200 with this at home this is actually this is a big problem that we shy away from that we need to talk

00:25:12.500 about yeah and i just feel like it's worth mentioning that there is incompetency and women

00:25:17.480 sometimes they don't know how to articulate that yes and they may actually feel like okay i can't

00:25:22.700 articulate it it's just i'm not saying it will and i'm not just yeah and i'm not justifying

00:25:27.440 cheating for a woman but if she goes and cheats after that but i'm just have to mention it that

00:25:32.940 that could potentially be over a period of time if you're not communicating as a man and you're not

00:25:37.960 working together to fix that problem yeah she could eventually feel like you know it's not opening up

00:25:42.020 it's not letting me know what's going on and then some other guy comes along it is it is it is her

00:25:45.640 rights and islamic need like the reason i started this show is we need to be open about this stuff

00:25:49.160 we want solutions yeah i i had a forgive me i had an ad it's called um forgive me it's it's

00:25:55.320 yeah it's called x iagra or something like that yeah and people are you a tower guy how could you

00:26:00.320 i'm like i'm just thinking are you on this planet earth it is halal by the way i've spoken to a lot

00:26:08.660 of my sheikh yeah there are brothers who are watching pornography yeah and they have erectile

00:26:13.100 erectile dysfunction bro they can't please their wives this is a real issue this is a real issue

00:26:18.900 yeah and it needs to be discussed about and people are like you're a tower guy wait you know

00:26:22.720 what are you talking about it's a real problem and it's the woman's haq this is this not in that

00:26:26.520 it is the woman's haq she has every right to ask for divorce if she is not sexually pleased

00:26:33.020 this is islam you got a problem brother go follow what you want we follow islam it is a woman's

00:26:37.720 haq to say i am not happy and actually this happened this happened at the time of the prophet

00:26:41.020 if i'm not mistaken a woman came and said i am not sexually satisfied it's her haq what are you

00:26:46.020 going to say oh it's aib it's rude she came to the messenger of allah the prophet sallam and

00:26:50.600 ashland and her they praised the ansari woman for being so transparent with these matters

00:26:55.000 i want to say the thing is one thing about especially it comes from the culture side that

00:27:01.980 people don't communicate a lot so if they have a problem at home and sister when i said about the

00:27:06.600 cheating thing i was talking it from the westernness side western views and that because i work on the

00:27:11.720 doors i see certain things that a lot of people don't see so the thing is what i'm saying is that

00:27:16.960 people don't communicate because what kind of backgrounds like if you come from the pakistani

00:27:20.920 background they don't really talk about anything like that what happens at home or if they'll get

00:27:25.740 any problems why are you talking if they go to their family don't talk about your husband like that

00:27:29.920 you know i mean and they're really locked in so what they do they're one trying to find escape yeah

00:27:35.180 and and then they come to a stage that they can't talk to anyone and they're trying to find escape and

00:27:39.400 that's when all of this happens yeah i wanted to i wanted to i wanted to i wanted to add to what

00:27:45.720 you were saying the there's also like a element of shame so for example let's say a woman is not

00:27:51.880 satisfied in the bedroom uh and let's say they come from like a maybe a strict cultural background

00:27:57.920 and the husband the wife does address it to the husband that he will shame her he'll be oh it's your

00:28:03.880 fault like you can't be satisfied like but but you're the man you're not i'm not trying to be

00:28:09.520 like crude or anything but you're the one who's performing and you're the one who's performing

00:28:14.120 you're the one who's providing uh and if she's telling you hey look i'm not satisfied can we try

00:28:19.800 something different can we do something different but then you turn around and say um like how dare you

00:28:25.000 have these needs and um and then shame her for having these basic human needs for her to just

00:28:31.140 be satisfied if you're shaming her then then you're just closing up that topic of conversation and then

00:28:36.560 she automatically now doesn't want to even talk to you about it can i just add can i just ask a question

00:28:40.920 i'll pass it over to mahdi um i understand a lot of what you guys have said and obviously um it's your

00:28:45.520 opinion is how you feel it's valid um and a lot of it from my perspective is you know a woman's been

00:28:50.460 driven to that point which perhaps is the case so from a female perspective obviously as men will

00:28:55.260 take accountability to kind of prevent that inshallah from happening but so from a female

00:29:00.560 perspective what could she have done to prevent that this engagement from happening from the husband

00:29:06.160 and kind of mitigate um her the fact that she's not being satisfied in the building what could she do

00:29:12.280 to kind of support her husband in these matters it depends though because it just all depends on the

00:29:18.100 scenario right i just feel like it all depends what could she do to prevent it depends why there's

00:29:23.780 incompetence in the bedroom is it a medical issue is it something you can work on is it something you

00:29:28.900 need to get viagraful is it something you need to see a doctor is it is it porn what is the issue so

00:29:34.340 again it's all about communication if you're not communicating that's why i said if there is

00:29:38.560 incompetent issues in the bedroom then the man and the woman are not communicating they don't want to

00:29:42.540 work towards like healing and fixing the issue then unfortunately you have cases where people are

00:29:49.000 cheating you know can i just add just out of curiosity or i mean there's an element that informs my

00:29:54.840 question here um from a sister that i've known um to have had a similar experience um the assumption

00:30:03.000 is i think for maybe a lot of female minds is that to raise a concern in that area of the marriage

00:30:10.160 would automatically make you feel as a man emasculated and therefore there's a fear to

00:30:16.280 address it so perhaps this is the barrier that's preventing that communication and then to if you're

00:30:23.600 saying that no it doesn't emasculate for some reason we have that idea maybe there was a scenario

00:30:30.800 of a sister that addressed it with her husband at the time they were having issues and he questioned

00:30:36.720 why she had how she knew she had a problem with that side of things and he questioned her integrity

00:30:45.860 and her whole um you know what happened before they got married so and he completely flipped it and said

00:30:54.220 that if you are asking me these questions if you are unsatisfied that must mean you've had prior

00:30:59.980 experience wow and that was her first marriage you know so clearly he's suggesting something yeah so

00:31:06.700 i think maybe there's a fear of from the female side there's a fear of these kinds of reactions um

00:31:13.280 i think that's a very good point there has to be there has to be a thin line because the biggest

00:31:17.080 emasculation for a man should be that your wife goes and be sleeps with another man so for that matter

00:31:23.740 i think men should be grown-ups and be like i'd rather be emasculated by my wife communicating to me

00:31:28.960 what i'm not doing rather than me pushing it to a level where i'm emasculated by knowing that she was

00:31:33.420 another man so men should mature up another issue that you said in this matter we'll go to mahdi as

00:31:37.840 well is uh you're right brothers are very sensitive when it comes to the past of their wives we've

00:31:41.760 discussed this why does virginity matter for a man for man watch that episode inshallah we talk in

00:31:45.620 detail to understand our psychology where we come from those things do trigger men in the sense of

00:31:50.320 oh you want me to do that but oh is it because he so it's a very fine balance but let's get back

00:31:55.140 to topic inshallah which is uh matthew you've been quite quiet i think you've been assessing maybe the

00:31:58.660 whole room and the situation at hand um some excellent points have been raised so we can

00:32:04.700 categorize now the two types of cheating that the sisters have raised as the emotional soul or the

00:32:10.380 physical soul or maybe even both is going on okay a sister could be emotionally satisfied

00:32:16.440 or not intimately satisfied and she can potentially cheat okay vice versa as well she could be physically

00:32:23.840 satisfied but not emotionally satisfied and she although sex is very much like a glue and if she's

00:32:29.720 intimately satisfied she's less likely to step out on you than if she is emotionally satisfied

00:32:35.480 and that's why i would say like your duty as a man just to quote actually i'm stealing this quote

00:32:39.980 from abu american shout out to him your duty as a man is to alpha widow your woman within the first

00:32:44.460 two three months meaning she is the best intimate experience either she's ever had if she was married

00:32:50.300 before or she's completely satisfied with you if she has not been married before now the sisters also

00:32:54.660 raised another excellent point which is that a brother or a man it's not even a muslim thing

00:33:00.120 will absolutely feel emasculated if his woman said to him uh uh you know i'm not intimately satisfied

00:33:07.060 and navigating that minefield pro that's a mad one how do i tell my husband i'm not intimately satisfied

00:33:14.820 without him doing a uno reverse card on me and putting it back on me and saying uh you know maybe

00:33:20.020 you've got prior experience and whatnot and as much as i agree with you ahali when you say

00:33:24.160 he needs the emasculation of her stepping out is worse than the emasculation of her saying that

00:33:29.360 yeah but that's the hard one to hear your wife tell you it is it is like you just you feel like a zero

00:33:34.440 do you understand but but rather than like focusing on the fact that oh um i feel emasculated in this

00:33:41.840 moment because my wife just told me i'm not she's not i'm not signing her it's rather than it focusing on

00:33:46.640 now why don't you focus on the fact that okay my wife's just come with the fact that

00:33:50.480 she has a need and the need is that she needs to be satisfied you need to have compassion

00:33:55.600 yes exactly compassion and the ones that you guys actually failed miserably to put in

00:34:03.520 to answer your question it depends it maybe he can do better maybe he can't let me just be perfectly

00:34:08.460 frank here okay if she's been married before i understand but i'm just being frank here yeah this

00:34:13.340 is why men have such an aversion to women who do have prior sexual experience whether it's in halal

00:34:19.040 or not honestly it's not relevant majority of men have an aversion to women who have prior because he

00:34:24.000 knows that she's going to be comparing i did a polygyny q a live on my wife's channel the other day

00:34:28.960 the one most common question i got from the sisters was will he compare me with the new wife and i said

00:34:34.920 sisters you know why you're asking that question because that's how you that's how you think

00:34:38.980 exactly because that's how you assess so you can understand the aversion that men have now i'm not

00:34:44.000 saying it's right or wrong or whatever i'm just stating it as it is yeah now with regards to what

00:34:48.620 the sister dopamine said with regards to he's going to be accountable if she does step out i will reject

00:34:52.940 that and i'll explain explain to you why akha ali mentioned the ayah at the beginning of the podcast

00:34:56.820 very poignantly which is where allah says and don't go anywhere near zina no i'm not zina i'm coming

00:35:03.000 i'm coming i'm coming i'll let you land your bow 77 so if yeah let me land the plane so so if she

00:35:11.040 is feeling this way and she has attempted to communicate it to him and she you know she's

00:35:15.700 exhausted all avenues and for whatever it's not happening just as akha ali pointed out is that it

00:35:21.180 is a legitimate reason for a divorce if you've exhausted all other avenues first but for her to

00:35:28.300 not do that and instead go down the haram that's 100 on her even if he's not even if he's not

00:35:35.280 he's not saying you are yeah i'm not saying you are i'm just saying even if he's in error even if

00:35:39.540 he's denying oh what's wrong with you even if he's like trying to do a una reverse on you

00:35:43.500 doesn't matter that sin is still on you that's in that sin is still on the sister because okay he made

00:35:51.020 his from a from a from a sin perspective yeah he messed up fine but you must take that full

00:35:56.360 account so i'd say there's solutions we want solutions right if a sister finds herself in

00:36:00.780 that situation she needs to find a way men are dumb for the most part when it comes to

00:36:05.040 picking up on your covert communication strategies exactly they don't get it they don't understand

00:36:09.340 they don't get it now you're caught between the two dilemmas the dilemma of covert communication

00:36:14.880 and the dilemma of if i'm direct he's going to feel emasculated which one do i choose this is

00:36:20.240 where hikmah comes in i don't know maybe you speak with his father and he's somebody of authority

00:36:25.460 who can speak to him in a particular manner there has to be some hikmah here you see

00:36:29.700 in the delivery of the message but is that more emasculating if the wife goes to somebody else

00:36:36.100 i didn't say do that i said i was just giving an example off the cuff of potential ways you could

00:36:42.140 approach this discussion just as when uh the old man was making wudu and uh what are the grandsons of

00:36:48.980 hassan and hussein and they to show him how to do wudu properly but they didn't tell him they said

00:36:55.940 they taught each other look this is how you do wudu and the old man picked up on it absolutely i

00:36:59.980 agree with everything you said but doesn't it sorry sorry ali it doesn't it depend on how how you

00:37:05.060 approach doesn't it depend on what type of cheating we're talking about because we've we've we've clearly

00:37:08.800 seen that there's two types of cheating women do right emotional cheating which i feel like most

00:37:13.700 women most likely are going to do that cheating to get physical yeah it's yeah it's very it's very

00:37:19.960 very very not likely yeah you mentioned in the western society that's most likely going to happen

00:37:24.940 but as muslims if we want to talk about emotional cheating i think it's best to stick to that i think

00:37:30.160 that's fine to communicate to your husband if you feel like he's emotionally absent i feel like that's

00:37:35.260 easy i feel like a man should be able to communicate with his wife and she should be able to communicate

00:37:39.240 with him if he's on emotionally unavailable i think i think i would just that wouldn't demasculate

00:37:44.980 a man yeah i think i think i think i think if a wife would you agree other than mahti if it does

00:37:48.120 then you he's got a lot of incompetency in the bedroom now that's yeah let's talk about serious

00:37:53.280 so for example mahti would you agree that for example let's say for example the woman says

00:37:56.500 i haven't tried this like like can like the impression even if she has a past it's very important

00:38:02.680 wording is very important yeah just be like you know what i've never tried this like can we do it

00:38:06.720 for the first time i think these wording like for example because going to someone else talking

00:38:12.300 directly is a problem indirectly can be a problem maybe just saying you know what for example can

00:38:17.080 we try this today yeah i've never experienced this like can we do this today or let's try that or

00:38:22.580 are we talking about physical stuff yes it's intimacy outright intimacy but like for example i wouldn't

00:38:26.280 even say it i'd tell her just do it don't tell him she's asking the issue is this yeah if do what

00:38:31.320 she's asking you she's asking she she wants something yeah she's asking and saying can we

00:38:37.000 try this so this comes down to hikmah now yeah i said you gotta be so careful when approaching this

00:38:41.280 with most men specifically because it's gonna be all like oh that's like i think it will break

00:38:45.900 command yeah but but there are ways to do it you can still get what you want you just have to be

00:38:49.640 smart about it so instead of outright telling it that's a secret ladies only learn i feel right

00:38:54.060 right and that's why you guys are better at the art of covert communication than we are in the first

00:38:59.820 instance okay there's a way to there's a way of approaching approach things as a as a woman when

00:39:06.700 you're in a relationship with a man and it's it's like a secret gem that comes after a while i feel

00:39:13.040 like it doesn't come naturally i don't think it comes naturally i feel like over the time after

00:39:17.200 experience being married for so long you you realize how to deal with the man and how to get things from

00:39:22.140 can i throw a spanner into the works i want to throw a spanner into the works yeah i personally

00:39:27.040 believe okay and again this is from my experience from the men that i know if there is an emotional

00:39:32.820 need or a sexual need if you express that to your partner if he's a male it doesn't demasculate the

00:39:39.560 man i personally feel that way really yeah i really do i don't think it's a problem it depends on what

00:39:45.300 kind of man it depends on yeah yeah yeah let's talk about majority not exceptions to the rule there's

00:39:50.140 exceptions to the rule most men bro they would feel insecure in many ways but how do you ascertain

00:39:53.980 that i feel like it's the exceptions that are causing the issue because what we want to do is

00:39:56.700 there's exceptions to the rule yeah so there's there's a general uh like 99 of men 99 of women

00:40:02.420 and then there are those one percent exceptions for example yeah so what i'm saying in that nutshell is

00:40:06.240 that let's let's let's talk about the general because there are exceptions there might be a man who

00:40:09.840 says you know i have no problem if my wife comes and speaks about uh her past and well good for you

00:40:15.600 yeah so um yeah i would say let's talk for solutions in that you know what it is is do you

00:40:20.740 know why a man would have a problem with it it feels like a direct criticism to his performance it

00:40:25.900 depends so say for example if if for example the man has a need to be the leader and i feel as though

00:40:32.160 if in that relationship he knows that if this criticism is thrown at him it doesn't take away

00:40:37.920 from his manhood it won't necessarily be a problem but that's a man who's secure with himself

00:40:41.460 what i say is depend how you approach it so if your woman goes to you you don't perform properly

00:40:46.020 that's going to demasculate you but if she goes to you that let's try something different or you can

00:40:51.880 do this in this way let's try something let's do this or my friend's done this let me and you try it

00:40:57.780 out so the thing is you approach it in a way that you don't this uh well like you know you don't attack

00:41:03.980 the man you don't attack the man but you kind of approach it in a different way but if you go

00:41:07.520 straight at him of course he's gonna fall the topic has gone to the topic of intimacy this topic

00:41:12.820 of why women are destroyed by the way i'm going to make the whole episode on this because we need

00:41:16.940 a whole episode for the men which we'll do next time can i ask a question because we've got we've

00:41:21.680 got 30 minutes so let's stick to the topic of i want to genuinely ask about the emotional what can

00:41:28.040 men do um that will prevent women from being um why are men somewhat emotionally unavailable one

00:41:35.000 and what can men do to stop women from actually going out and cheating on them emotionally good

00:41:40.840 good what can we do to i'll go first yeah um i'll reject that thing you said men are uh generally

00:41:46.880 that's not true some men perhaps what can they do i think it depends on the relationships i don't

00:41:52.280 think sorry i i didn't understand that because i said what can men do and we are talking about men

00:41:57.340 and women right yeah but um did you want me to put muslim men no no you said uh why are men

00:42:02.240 emotionally unavailable yeah they are tend to be emotionally unavailable i think she's saying

00:42:06.240 in the terms of saying some men no no we're talking about cheating right yeah so we've we've

00:42:11.240 we've talked about cheating yeah we're talking about cheating so why we already acknowledge so

00:42:16.120 we're talking about the men that are cheating yeah okay those specific men neglecting a woman

00:42:23.260 emotionally okay that answer um i think depends on the relationship and i don't know the thing is

00:42:30.920 like if you know your wife you'll pick up on the body language yes how she acts how she is but if

00:42:37.740 you don't know your wife then it's going to be a big problem because with men we can't read women

00:42:43.260 that's why they need to study the mental strife but this is what i mean that you have to sometimes

00:42:47.080 we be like so busy in this world thinking about how to repay the rent or how to do this how to do

00:42:52.840 that i'm thinking about other things and yeah it doesn't come to our head you know you know you

00:42:56.420 know one one thing like that tell me if i'm right or wrong here yeah um the reason why sister uh

00:43:01.240 ghislaine talked about being um first you have to detach from him this is because you women are

00:43:06.560 monogamous by nature you are happy with one man but he has to be a man once you're happy with that

00:43:11.920 man you will not look anywhere else i believe this hundred percent if that man is the man you will

00:43:16.240 never ever even think about it that's the reason why when we talk about polygamy you guys bug out

00:43:19.820 because you're like this is how i see him but he doesn't see me the same because we don't think like you

00:43:24.320 for us men even if we had the most drop dead gorgeous woman on this planet earth we can tend

00:43:30.300 to want other women do you get what i'm trying to say so in that aspect answering the question

00:43:33.880 coming back to this before brothers and sisters go oh here we go ali again with this polygamy

00:43:36.420 going back to this issue is this if a man is there for his wife protect providing that's the basic

00:43:43.120 dean on dean by the way praying etc but you have to be expressive i genuinely say this you have to be

00:43:48.740 expressive with your wife even if it's lying brother it's white as the process is allowed yeah

00:43:53.200 touching look hearing look let her hear and let her feel your love it's very important to even if

00:44:00.280 like i said before waking up in the morning etc like like and again i'm a nobody i'm not trying

00:44:05.740 to boast like i'm someone but i try to be expressive with my wife she's a co-producer of this she's here

00:44:10.580 and i'm not saying it because anything that i say in the back of it if i'm not doing it she'd be like

00:44:13.640 so this guy's lying she knows i'm trying to i try to be expressive and even in the morning where the

00:44:18.320 sisters might feel like you know they look they don't look their part just say oh my gosh man look at this

00:44:21.920 yeah it's it's it's very important expressive touching for example um intimately or not it's

00:44:28.640 very important because i believe as men that we have a big responsibility yeah and some brother i

00:44:34.180 know a brother who was his wife cheated on him and i asked him a simple question i said bro just

00:44:38.320 want to understand a few dynamics of your marriage can you tell me a little bit about it he's like bro

00:44:42.440 i work 60 hours a week i gave her whatever she wanted i said stop i said rewind please he said i gave

00:44:49.380 her whatever she wanted i said brother for me is anytime for example sometimes if you take all the

00:44:54.960 boxes you'd untick all them the problem is this when you give a woman everything but there's no you're

00:45:00.140 not at home yeah you give her whatever she wants i blame men we as men are the leaders and providers

00:45:06.320 for a reason allah's put on put us over them for a reason and if you do not do your bit we're not

00:45:11.960 saying justifying the cheating of of the woman but the point is this you do play a role in the sense

00:45:17.560 of what are you sinful i don't know if you're sinful she's sinful if she does that but as a man you

00:45:21.620 have to do your bit emotionally you have to be there for yes physically in the bedroom etc you have

00:45:27.020 to and i promise you bro if you do that i genuinely believe in a woman would never ever ever think of

00:45:33.360 another man maybe you guys elaborate on that solutions wise she wanted to say something yeah

00:45:37.700 um i wanted to say um obviously to avoid the cheating you could uh go on dates every week

00:45:47.540 like every like every week is like perfect or yeah every week's perfect yeah so every week when

00:45:54.860 you do that you're bonding emotionally you're getting to know each other you're talking you're

00:45:59.300 getting to know each other's quality time your time like you time yeah quality time brilliant yeah

00:46:05.200 yeah when you do that your bond will grow stronger and then you'll get to know your wife even more

00:46:10.320 what she wants and she she know what you want i would like to probe sister dopamine if that's okay

00:46:16.040 i noticed that this discussion of emotional uh unavailability it brought out a visceral

00:46:21.620 visceral reaction inside you so maybe if you could contextualize what you're explaining with a

00:46:27.480 specific story or maybe someone that you know i didn't really get emotionally unavailable yeah

00:46:32.740 emotional unavailable so when a man is emotionally unavailable what specific instance could you share

00:46:38.700 with us because then we could give you a more specialized answer men men in general they get women so

00:46:43.040 confused and i just recently put out a video about our menstrual cycle and sorry to be a bit tmi

00:46:47.260 but we are an emotional being do you understand so if you not normal but if you if you look into

00:46:54.040 our hormones and how we are just unbalanced all the time up and down up and down if you study this

00:46:59.880 then you've essentially understood women do you understand if you understand that then you're you're

00:47:04.620 so yeah i mean like you would never be you'll never be emotional unavailable what you just said

00:47:10.720 there is important because their hormones are up and down that's what i like no no no you said to

00:47:15.120 me so this is this is you'll never catch it that's how we are you can't change that but i'll give you

00:47:21.300 i'll give you the panacea you can't change it so if you can't change something what do you do you

00:47:25.920 understand you try to understand it don't try to bend the woman because she's gonna break yeah she will

00:47:29.800 break correct no but i'm just saying a man does need to invest emotionally in his woman yeah he

00:47:34.840 doesn't what he does need to invest emotionally but attention is one of those commodities that you

00:47:40.680 need to treat with caution because if you give too much of it i agree she will the the value of it

00:47:47.800 begins to diminish i agree and the fit now because again there's loads of young guys watching this and

00:47:52.580 i'm more speaking to them when i'm speaking to you guys and the filter generally is conduct your daily

00:47:58.300 affairs fear allah subhanahu wa ta'ala to the best of your ability i'm talking to the men now yeah

00:48:01.760 and then work work hard work very hard and then after all of that i don't even believe scheduled

00:48:08.100 dates by the way i don't believe none of that nonsense i feel like that's preference wise

00:48:12.060 i literally i called my on thursday night i called my wife up i said so listen i've just finished with

00:48:16.480 work i may or may not be taking you out but get your stuff ready anyway i had it even decided

00:48:21.340 that's so inconsistent exactly i feel like i feel like honestly i hear what you're saying i'm gonna

00:48:29.340 let you finish landing you're still hovering over to go down oh did you press it it was me oh you

00:48:36.500 pressed it for her okay you got one and a half minutes starting now i hear what you're saying

00:48:39.200 but that's your marriage and that's what works for you and your wife no no it's not my marriage

00:48:43.600 i'm so sorry yeah yeah one and a half minute and then you just to be just you've got one and a

00:48:48.980 half minute one and a half minute sister go um that's what works for you do you get it that's

00:48:53.480 what works for you so you want to speak to your wife like that and deal with her like that that's

00:48:56.860 absolutely fine you're compatible for each other but in general i don't that that differs

00:49:02.160 do you understand that differs it doesn't mean that because you think that's hard that that every

00:49:07.080 guy should be treating their wives like that because everyone's different one minute you got one

00:49:10.000 are you finished are you finished you got one minute have you finished i'm just trying to be

00:49:14.800 just here have you got one minute i can add that can i add to you no no no it's your time have you

00:49:18.700 got you got one minute do you want to carry on um i'll pass the baton yeah i'll pass the baton

00:49:23.400 this reaction is good because again i'm speaking to the there is an inverse relationship between what

00:49:31.080 makes a woman happy and what makes her desire you okay i have a few wives alhamdulillah not just one

00:49:36.380 and i can tell you from my experience dealing with women that there are some common traits and

00:49:40.920 themes that you'll see in all of them there is an inverse relationship between her happiness and her

00:49:46.080 desire for you the happier you make her the less she desires you if there's a slight few things that

00:49:51.520 are annoying just as you just said that's annoying that would annoy me yeah that's that element of

00:49:55.760 unpredictability can be annoying but it keeps her attention because she just doesn't know what's

00:50:00.560 coming next and that is the spontaneity that you guys speak of so often i want my husband to be

00:50:05.900 spontaneous i agree with you i agree with you how about instead of saying oh i'll phone your wife

00:50:13.120 and say oh get we may or may not be going out tonight but get ready anyway i feel like that's a

00:50:18.000 little bit of a joke yeah you're gonna you're sitting here on disappointment i would do you really

00:50:21.940 do that one second let me have a brother one second is it is it like that or is it because you

00:50:26.740 remember last time there was some stuff he was like he actually wasn't like that yeah yeah no no

00:50:30.700 look look i don't know okay is it directly like that or is it yeah so my normal bar it depends on

00:50:37.900 which wife i'm going to go out with but my normal bar is i'm going to be with you in half an hour get

00:50:41.140 ready we're going that's my normal okay good spontaneous okay so it's not it's listen you

00:50:44.560 don't understand it's not five minutes exactly exactly so it's basically half an hour for example

00:50:49.700 he just finished work he will tell his wife maybe the wife is oh i wish you gave me some more time but

00:50:53.300 you know deep down she likes to you know what oh my gosh like you know in 30 minutes

00:50:56.440 let me just get ready we're not going out i'm sorry no no no i'll repeat again he said what he

00:51:02.820 meant was this like he finished work and he would say listen get ready in 30 minutes we're going out

00:51:06.500 he wouldn't say we're going out or not maybe he did say that then i told him i didn't say no he did

00:51:12.960 say that then i said to him clarify and then he said at least one thing i will i've noticed is that

00:51:19.380 they're getting attention from you so they're getting attention from you of course exactly

00:51:23.660 do you understand that's a bit of a joke though isn't it like

00:51:26.920 we clarified look at the bigger picture look at the bigger picture that's what i'm saying

00:51:31.500 he's making time i'll let it go but you're making but he's making time for his wives which is the

00:51:37.340 most important thing so they're not likely to go and cheat on him i'm just doing succeed on what

00:51:40.040 you might get my time yeah because then imagine you don't turn up and then you're setting her up

00:51:45.880 do you guys like spontaneity i think you over complicate as men like you don't even need to go out

00:51:52.620 for me if you turn up at home yeah you've had a long day and you know you don't really want to go

00:51:58.800 out but you want to do something with your wife i would say invest in a white um cloth for a table

00:52:03.700 and buy a candle set it up switch the lights still spontaneous let's look spontaneous yeah

00:52:08.660 that's what we're talking about he's saying don't be predictable and that's very important like

00:52:13.200 sisters like drama they like watching drama yeah yes yes yes let's be real here do you know do you

00:52:19.100 know why i'm saying stuff like this because i genuinely believe like i'm kind of look i'm kind

00:52:23.220 of on the manhaj of mahdi on this sense why because i don't agree with everything he says and he knows

00:52:28.860 that yeah people have a go at me why do you invite him i don't care about people's opinions okay

00:52:32.440 there are certain things i believe he says there are certain things i've called him up on there's

00:52:35.880 certain things he disagrees with me but the point of the show is to come and talk to people i disagree

00:52:39.880 and agree with but there are certain truths which he says which is important to understand the inner

00:52:44.360 dynamics and the hardwiring of women is for our brothers not for you guys it's for the men to

00:52:48.460 understand being unpredictable women like it not to the level where i'm coming in 30 minutes we might

00:52:54.780 go i know i know which i didn't mean it's that in 30 minutes be ready we're going out it's random

00:52:59.280 spontaneous but i'll provide the rest of the okay go on thank you that's what i'm talking about

00:53:03.160 if we don't go out we're going to do something at home anyway that was the good thank you but that

00:53:08.160 was only that was only because there were some other things gone irrespective but when i i don't

00:53:11.780 actually ask my women what they want to do i just tell them babe this is what we're doing get your

00:53:16.340 stuff and the view absolutely yeah they love it and and the beautiful thing about this behavior

00:53:21.500 is that i take all decision making away from them yes and that's good okay but that's good

00:53:27.860 that's that's good what about the house like what about the house like she has things in the

00:53:33.380 house so if she says you know what look i want this furniture i want this to be like this like are

00:53:35.880 you i don't care about the house okay so it's house is a kingdom okay sorry can i just say um i

00:53:40.560 think it's getting a bit detailed now so you're talking about your women because you know your

00:53:45.640 women you've studied them and you understand your did you want to say something on the topic before

00:53:49.720 she switched up the gears switched gears was there something you wanted to say but let's

00:53:55.520 let's stick to the top we've got 15 we've got 15 minutes i was going into uh love language and

00:54:00.080 understanding your spouse it goes both ways so if i know my man i know that's what he'd like and

00:54:04.760 you know your women and you know what they like yeah so as far as no i don't care i don't care i

00:54:08.480 don't care i don't care i don't care what women like i care what they respond to your type of

00:54:13.340 women did you hit did you catch that ball i don't care what women want that's i care what they

00:54:17.960 respond to absolutely fine and i agree with you there's a common that's your wife's no no no there's a

00:54:22.900 common theme whoever matters you has to respond to you like that correct i have a question but

00:54:27.400 wife she wants but let's say you hear her up and you say this is what we're doing get ready and

00:54:32.300 hang on a minute but i want to do something different like how do you respond to that they

00:54:36.340 never do but why do you know how they never do listen no because there's two brothers sitting next

00:54:41.440 to you i don't know if you're married yeah you want to deal with your wife the same way he does

00:54:45.640 this is this is it the thing is this is what i want everyone uh are different with their wife

00:54:50.700 that's mahdi's way my thing is this how do you know all women want that yeah because your experience

00:54:56.500 especially when you've got multiple let me finish let me finish because your experience is limited to

00:55:00.840 the women that you've been for have been with and they're from a certain background okay if you've

00:55:05.580 been with a woman from every single country married to all of them four at a time all the trauma

00:55:09.660 and then you can make a generalized comment like that that's a really good question yeah and it

00:55:14.220 requires a response so outside of obviously my own anecdotal experience which doesn't stretch very

00:55:18.660 far okay if you want to talk about the hundreds of clients that i have consulted myself because

00:55:23.340 that's what i do at my private time they pay me a thousand pound an hour for that if you want to

00:55:26.680 talk about a thousand pound an hour and it's going to go up because the cost of time is you know you

00:55:32.800 understand how to calculate uh yeah and there are common there are common as well behavioral traits that

00:55:41.180 women can't help but gravitate towards when you display them despite it annoying them and and and my

00:55:50.300 clients that i've consulted okay and you are you will find that there is an inverse relationship

00:55:55.460 you can only press it once as you can see between what makes her happy and what keeps her engaged and

00:56:03.080 i'm less interested in what makes her happy and more interested in what keeps her engaged yeah because

00:56:10.100 keeping her engaged does both keeping her happy just might keep her happy yes you said that keeping

00:56:17.000 her um engaged does both but then you said keeping her keeping her engaged will definitely keep her

00:56:23.820 happy but what type of engagement are you talking about she might be annoyed so that's not true but

00:56:27.200 keeping her happy exclusively no no than happy like you've just chasing her happiness exclusively

00:56:33.880 he's a winder what's the fastest what's the fastest way to make a woman we're not talking about

00:56:37.620 exclusivity of the two we're not saying that they're mutually exclusive i said why can you not

00:56:42.240 do both i've got i've got something by doing this if you focus on what keeps her engaged she might

00:56:49.100 dislike elements of it but ultimately she'll love you respect you and her overall happiness will be

00:56:54.520 greater if you chase her happiness exclusively no no i'm not saying they're mutually exclusive can i just go

00:57:00.240 back you just differentiated between engagement and happiness and then when i asked you about it

00:57:05.860 you said that engagement um ticks the box of happiness but then you differentiated happiness

00:57:10.740 so they're not the same thing but you didn't hear me no i heard you okay no no you've not heard me

00:57:15.820 because i'm asking you that you've you've differentiated between happiness and engagement

00:57:19.880 so just because a woman is happy yeah doesn't mean that she is engaged i have to keep this pg

00:57:26.140 just because she's happy with you doesn't mean she's engaged fine fine okay okay but when she

00:57:31.220 is engaged she might be annoyed with you but her overall happiness with you and satisfaction will

00:57:36.560 be greater i don't agree the fastest way to make a woman miserable guess what give her everything she

00:57:42.280 wants ali just pointed it out just now that's the fastest way to make her miserable it's true

00:57:46.220 now so no just just look we're gonna do this amongst brothers yeah okay yeah yeah now what i can say to you

00:57:51.520 before look i agree with a lot of stuff mahti says there's a lot of stuff i disagree with which i've been

00:57:55.040 vocal about him in the previous shows as well what mahti does is which i believe there's a lot of

00:57:58.980 things that he puts which i believe he has experience yeah um but what you do is sometimes

00:58:03.920 mahti is you take it step it up a notch that step a notch works i think with your wives so when you

00:58:08.240 say generally there's a lot of stuff foundation i agree with bang bang bang i'm like good good good

00:58:11.420 the stuff that you say where you're like like i decide everything i'm like okay that maybe works with

00:58:16.040 your wife like for example me and like my wife for example when i'm like okay uh for example there

00:58:20.900 were a couple of instances in our house where i ordered specific things um usually it's to

00:58:24.980 house it's her kingdom but sometimes she'd be like no no no give me a chance i will refund it i

00:58:29.060 promise you let's buy it and she knows she's here maybe four or five instances where i've bought it

00:58:33.740 she's like actually that was a good idea that was like that was actually a good idea so sometimes yes

00:58:38.160 you're right but in certain instances do i speak to my wife like am i just a ruler over her of course

00:58:44.300 not there's sometimes where she would say an idea where i'm like actually that's interesting so

00:58:49.060 it's important sometimes what you're saying works with your wives and there's nothing wrong nobody

00:58:53.960 can have a go at any equality or something that marriage dynamics it's catered for them as long

00:58:58.920 as it's halal nobody can say it's wrong brilliantly works so yeah just to clarify what methi said for

00:59:06.260 example look i again i'm not saying this to like it's nothing to be praised with something to be ashamed

00:59:09.940 of but i come from a jahili 10 years of jahili 10 years of islam um so in a nutshell there's certain

00:59:14.520 things he says it's true i'm so sorry i don't care if anybody hates it if he didn't speak in

00:59:19.300 certain aspects what i'm saying but when it comes to like being spontaneous etc being a leader

00:59:24.020 most of the times directing and leading i'm so sorry it works and even sisters will testify to that

00:59:29.280 however i believe sometimes methi steps up a notch which i believe it works with his household dynamics

00:59:34.460 which as long as it's halal it is permissible in that instance and we know from the sunnah sunnah

00:59:39.640 that most of the times it's the woman that have to please the husband but what do i mean by that

00:59:45.220 you never see vice versa in the quran or the sunnah this doesn't mean we neglect and we don't what

00:59:51.020 we're seeing is a man has responsibilities which he does he needs to be protecting providing when it

00:59:55.480 comes to her deen emotion taking care of etc but if if i'm telling this outright if a man was to chase

01:00:01.480 in the sense where his objective was how can i make my wife happy i'm so sorry you will never make

01:00:06.240 her happy i'm so sorry the dynamics are this is the dynamics this doesn't mean you don't want to

01:00:11.540 make her happy it's if you try to make her in totality if you said to her what would make you

01:00:15.440 happy and i'll give one evidence in the sense which is what why does allah subhanahu wa ta'ala not

01:00:19.960 mention the quran what you guys are going to get in jannah there's general specific things rivers of

01:00:24.280 honey rivers of water why doesn't allah go into specifics because every single woman is different

01:00:28.640 thank you very much not only that and every woman in our hard wiring is also the same we as men we are

01:00:33.580 told very clearly hur alayn yes look hur alayn and um a few other things in the quran it directly

01:00:39.820 tells us what we want and we all get gassed and happy about it but if allah said to you guys you're

01:00:44.280 going to get a palace with five bedrooms you're going to be thinking and if allah said it's going

01:00:47.900 to be pink color yeah you're going to be thinking but i want a blue color and i want seven bedrooms

01:00:51.720 it's allah has left that to your imagination because your imagination which is unique to you guys it's

01:00:56.680 nothing it's not blameworthy it's unique you your imagination is wild and you want this and that

01:01:01.620 that's fine but we're seeing if we go to the pursuit of what does my wife want to make her happy we are

01:01:06.940 doomed and finished but that's why i say do you understand that that's that's the thing i wanted

01:01:11.200 to add on perhaps maybe there's also the perspective that perhaps allah hasn't actually told uh us as

01:01:16.960 women what are we going to get because it's better than what you're going to get so you might feel

01:01:22.920 okay like in you know it's not good enough i've got i've got something really i feel like it's

01:01:27.280 really important to say one thing i want to touch up one thing i want to touch up on is this though

01:01:30.820 the moment i mentioned that why did it come across as something you want is inferior what you want is

01:01:35.760 more with us it's very simple i can go to the markets fly around in jannah a bit come back to my

01:01:41.960 okay so the thing is with you guys with sisters no no i'm saying the fact that allah is left and you

01:01:46.880 can say i want this and i want that i'm i'm not seeing it in an inferior context i'm seeing we are

01:01:50.880 look would you agree we are men we are direct and sisters are indirect yeah okay would you agree

01:01:56.060 that you guys have hormones that make instability sometimes yeah sometimes all the time that's why

01:02:00.580 i was going to add to what i appreciate you allah bless you timing thank you so sister what we're

01:02:04.520 saying is this because of those factors of hardwiring from your side and our side we're seeing this

01:02:09.400 works that's why i i agree with what he said we deal with what works yeah so i just want to make that

01:02:14.840 disclaimer with mahdi and his wives that works for them happy for them and may allah bless and

01:02:18.660 preserve them nobody to say nothing as long as it's halal but my dynamics with my wife would be

01:02:23.780 totally different but 80 85 of the things that i say it's i would say this it's my opponent meant

01:02:30.160 that they should implement that i agree with you by the way i don't disagree with you okay with regards

01:02:36.280 to what you were saying about your the way you deal with your wives okay i don't i don't disagree

01:02:40.460 but there's a key thing that you didn't mention which i feel like i want to highlight is it's the

01:02:45.520 timing okay you're not like that all the time with your wives you're not speaking to them like that in

01:02:50.420 that manner all the time and for women it's the timing and this is why i say if you understand us

01:02:54.640 then you understand okay sometimes the day she's not in the mood sometimes the day she's in the mood

01:02:58.440 we're very up and down you know like we don't want attention all the time it does it irritates us

01:03:03.460 it drives us mad it's annoying actually let me let me just say let me um just say something about

01:03:09.820 like with uh brother mahadi i've known him for time i love him as a muslim brother i do love him

01:03:15.120 as a muslim brother but i don't agree with some of the things and and the thing is what i say whatever

01:03:19.960 it is his home situation that's his home situation wherever he does it in his house that's his own

01:03:25.700 house and that's how he runs his house and he's happy his wives are happy he's happy but with my

01:03:30.720 thing is if you keep your wife happy and show the love she will never ever cheat on you she'll never

01:03:38.640 ever cheat on you but every keep them happy yeah that's what i mean you said you keep them engaged

01:03:44.020 you said that happiness doesn't matter why does no no they're engaged in happiness they are engaged

01:03:52.100 and that keeps them happy but chasing her happiness it's like me sitting here ladies what would make

01:03:57.720 you happy i couldn't care less i what i care is what keeps them engaged because long term that is

01:04:03.900 what's going to keep her happy what do you mean if i chase her happiness exclusively okay like a tick

01:04:11.940 list okay so she said this that's clear this is a road to destruction no i didn't know no no it's true

01:04:19.880 so he cares about his wife's happiness if women it's true if we if the guy comes to us and he's

01:04:25.260 like he's totally tailored and he's perfect to our emotion at that moment this is why i said it

01:04:29.620 comes back to timing with us women okay good sometimes but the time has changed the time has

01:04:34.160 changed this is why i said you gotta study your wife did you not say okay arguments your husband

01:04:37.480 comes to you and says what would you like will make you happy you would say i want your attention

01:04:42.000 but you remember just before that you said but not all the time yeah do you see why we say we

01:04:47.540 cannot with the reason why is because the moment i give you attention i'll be like wrong timing

01:04:50.880 do you see what we mean that is where we are coming from but but every relationship we need to

01:04:55.720 wrap up we need to understand that's what i'm saying like your wife like even when the time of the

01:05:01.880 month comes and that and your wife is totally different and you pick up on that yeah and the

01:05:06.740 thing is you deal with it in a different way you take more because the way she is yeah so all of

01:05:11.040 these things that you have to understand your wife and if you don't understand that then exactly

01:05:15.960 like when they're about to come on their menstrual cycle this is very important some women suffer

01:05:20.140 from pms okay sorry what's that uh uh yeah pre-menstrual stress and yeah they get depressed

01:05:27.300 they get anxious depressed after the period no before so you'll find that the woman's very agitated

01:05:32.420 she doesn't want you know we're near her sex drive goes down she's like just get out my face

01:05:36.700 why are you in the house go away she's crying for no reason she's sitting in the corner crying we

01:05:41.240 don't know why we're crying seriously that's the reason why which i agree with methi though he's

01:05:47.740 saying if we were still pursue that look before menstrual cycle you got about seven days before

01:05:52.180 that let's add three days three days after it you're looking at 13 days that's needed half a month no

01:05:55.960 but don't you get it you get it sister the time is what you need exactly good it's the timing good yes

01:06:01.180 you the way however you pattern up the situation with your woman it's absolutely fine but you need to

01:06:05.840 know that your woman and what type of woman you're dealing with the same for us women we need to know

01:06:09.600 the type of man we're dealing with yes approach him if we do have issues and we want to approach

01:06:13.340 him if you've got an aggressive man who's a bit arrogant is we have a knock then you don't just

01:06:17.760 tell him something in his face like that he's probably going to lash out so there's a like you

01:06:21.800 said there's a hikmah to do it okay then methi then you we're going to wrap up we've got five

01:06:25.940 minutes let's just quickly wrap up in show um hopefully this episode was a good episode and

01:06:31.480 helps everyone stop doing haram or stop them cheating or you know i mean so hope we all help

01:06:38.400 gave you some pointers

01:06:39.740 hussain made an important distinction just now which he asked me so you said so you do want

01:06:46.560 your wives to be happy then and the answer to that is of course i want my wife to live in like some

01:06:50.660 miserable life of depression no ultimately of course i want them to be happy i'm just saying

01:06:56.860 the route to their happiness is not what they tell us it is that's it yeah sorry can i just

01:07:05.100 get you oh sorry sorry i didn't see you though um so closing remarks why women cheat

01:07:15.000 um i don't know it depends on the i've heard quite a lot of things to be honest um i didn't

01:07:23.040 understand quite a few of the definitions but what i will say this as a man that's married

01:07:26.540 i'll take the responsibility i'll take responsibility i'll say just be nice to your wife be kind to her

01:07:32.440 respect her provided what she needs and just see how it goes and if it doesn't work out you know

01:07:36.360 my opinion would be understand her understanding is key because when you understand her her needs

01:07:46.080 then overall you'll be able to just like allow her to be herself she'll be authentic you know

01:07:53.540 and so yeah you could just do your thing as a man as a husband thank you sister let's start from

01:08:00.240 sister lucky dopamine last statement just in a nutshell advice to men who are watching this when we

01:08:07.540 discuss the topic right um um ultimately also obviously this topic of conversation is about why

01:08:13.460 women cheat we've already discussed why women cheat but at the end of the day regardless of what

01:08:19.680 situation you're in whether they whether you're being emotionally neglected or not this is directed

01:08:25.180 to the women you are responsible in the eyes of allah you're going to be held accountable

01:08:33.020 regardless of what situation you were put in whether you were emotionally neglected or your physical

01:08:39.640 needs weren't met met you are responsible for the act of cheating and that's it you are responsible

01:08:47.780 and you need to bear that in mind that one day you're going to stand before allah and you're going

01:08:54.060 to have to explain to allah why you decided to cheat on your husband even even though you had other

01:09:03.100 outlets like divorce him communicate with him um get other people involved whatever the outlet is

01:09:09.540 do not disobey allah that's it do not disobey allah don't go against allah it's very very fundamental

01:09:16.160 so this is very key and may allah bless you because it shows accountability because a lot

01:09:20.440 of sisters they hate it they blame yeah accountability exactly so may allah bless you

01:09:25.300 yeah i just want to go more into the quran and advise people to read the quran because a lot of

01:09:32.440 people we're not reading it and yeah honestly if you read the quran there's so much gems in there

01:09:38.040 and it's very simple and i feel like allah is very very clear in the statements when it concerns

01:09:42.860 men and women how we should treat each other so yeah i just want to say that just read the quran and

01:09:47.920 understand what allah's asking of you and how to treat your spouse and inshallah you you will find

01:09:52.880 person who's compatible for you and yeah you got your little thing going on inshallah so to kind of

01:10:00.920 conclude on the question why women cheat women cheat because um there's been a fundamental there's been

01:10:07.120 a fundamental neglect of their feminine needs point but that is not an excuse to as a female to go out

01:10:15.080 and treat your husband in such a way if you feel that you have come to that point where thoughts are

01:10:20.640 crossing your mind where there's interaction that's you know started where you've disconnected actually

01:10:25.980 because that's the starting point that's where it goes downhill but you've disconnected from your

01:10:29.980 husband then you need to take responsibility to action the solution whether that is you seeking

01:10:36.860 support of external parties to help you navigate and return to the marriage in the way that you

01:10:43.720 hoped it would be at the beginning or you make a decision to um seek whatever you define as your

01:10:51.720 happiness if you're not finding it in that marriage and um deal with the marriage in an

01:10:57.100 integrous way whether you decide to stay in it or leave it you need to maintain your integrity

01:11:02.320 integrity and that comes down to your akhlaq and the deen um and don't compromise that um at the

01:11:08.580 end of the at the end of the day alhamdulillah islam has given us solutions it's given us the right to

01:11:13.760 talaq for reasons such as in lack of intimacy you know which actually other religions don't provide

01:11:20.120 um judaism you're not allowed to get divorced yeah catholicism until very you know in some countries

01:11:25.860 that's the reason henry henry the eight was killing his wives because he couldn't divorce them he was

01:11:29.620 like let me get rid of them yeah you know um we're in a country and in countries where we we have those

01:11:36.080 options especially so you know you have rights and what all i'm gonna conclude with is don't disrespect

01:11:42.840 someone else at the cost of your happiness it should just be seeking out your happiness

01:11:48.220 and being respectful yes brothers and sisters may allah bless our honorable guests and no she

01:11:54.260 no she we started with her first yeah we started with you first didn't we finish yeah we did her

01:11:58.520 first and then you yeah she was first you guys were second third fourth yeah yeah so um inshallah

01:12:03.360 brothers sisters so guys in a nutshell i believe this wholeheartedly alhamdulillah and you don't need

01:12:07.740 to pay a thousand pounds uh i'm joking so in a nutshell guys if you are the man you are fearing

01:12:12.220 allah god conscious high value man to us is not what the red pill says you're a god conscious man who

01:12:16.440 fears allah who who cares about the akhirah of yourself and your partner um you are a good man

01:12:21.080 a a man who is vocal emotionally in different ways your wife hears uh the love and feels the love

01:12:26.600 inshallah i believe brothers and sisters your wife would never ever in there the way they are created

01:12:30.940 they are monogamous by nature they would never ever look at another man so be the best version you can

01:12:35.720 be in the sight of allah and make sure allah subhanahu wa ta'ala comes first and when you become that

01:12:39.560 man alhamdulillah don't worry about this and if it happens that's between her and the lord and she'll be

01:12:43.160 accounted for that and the next episode which we'll do inshallah maybe next month is why men are

01:12:48.400 disloyal which will be a whole topic in itself because this required a whole topic in itself

01:12:52.160 till next time brothers and sisters from bitty truth may allah bless our honorable sisters and

01:12:55.160 our honorable brothers for coming here and uh their take inshallah if you want to apply on the panel

01:12:59.360 please uh on the link uh there's an email the link below you can do that assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh

01:13:05.320 okay

Ali Dawah - February 20, 2024

WHY WOMAN CHEAT IN MARRIAGES？ - EP 23 ｜｜ BITTER TRUTH SHOW

Episode Stats

Length

Words per Minute

Word Count

Sentence Count

Misogynist Sentences

Hate Speech Sentences

Summary

Transcript