Ali Dawah - WIFE VS MOTHER IN-LAW - PICK A SIDE! - EP 21 ｜

00:00:00.000 It's actually, it's the fear of, they think that when wife comes to the house, they will take the son away.

00:00:06.200 You don't need to go talking to your mother about every little issue you've got with your wife.

00:00:09.820 Because no matter what, that mother is going to hate your wife then.

00:00:12.420 She's going to think, oh, she's manipulating my son and vice versa.

00:00:15.080 I respect and love her.

00:00:17.080 However, I need to understand that my husband needs time with his mum.

00:00:21.360 He's his mum.

00:00:22.600 There's cases where women go into the household as a wife and they have already had this mindset

00:00:28.060 that no, my mother-in-law is going to be evil.

00:00:30.520 It's a red flag to see that you're going to take your mother's side when your wife clearly on the right side of the deen.

00:00:36.600 I don't think there's anything the son can do about it.

00:00:39.220 If it's a mummy's boy, I genuinely believe that that is because of the mother.

00:00:43.620 If your mum comes and tells you or oppresses your wife, you respect your mum.

00:00:46.960 But you respect, you say, mum, no, because Allah tells us in the Quran, speak the truth, even if it's against yourself or kin.

00:00:53.680 Some mothers-in-law really cause fitna.

00:00:56.460 Yes.

00:00:56.720 Because they will gossip now about the wife.

00:00:59.720 Yes.

00:01:01.240 Other aunties, sisters.

00:01:03.220 It's your responsibility as a man to keep the woman folk, be it your mum, in check in a respectful way, both of them.

00:01:11.300 So as a kid, I'm sure most Bengalis were, I was beat all the time for no reason.

00:01:15.760 I'd smile too much, they'd beat me.

00:01:17.620 Because that stays with you to an extent when you start resenting your parents for it.

00:01:20.340 When you commit sins outside my brother or my sister, you will see it in your children, you will see it in your car.

00:01:26.900 I'm telling you, bro, you will see the consequences of your sin, ripple effects everywhere.

00:01:31.400 I find it difficult to wrap my head around why you would be jealous of your son having a wife.

00:01:36.560 I just find it very strange.

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00:02:05.560 As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh, brothers and sisters and dear friends.

00:02:08.200 Welcome to another episode of The Bitter Truth Show.

00:02:10.360 I hope you guys are well inshallah.

00:02:11.660 We've got amazing guests.

00:02:12.680 We've got five sisters, alhamdulillah, and we've got three brothers here.

00:02:15.500 Today's topic is very interesting, actually.

00:02:17.500 And I think a lot of people from my circle, etc., when it comes to dealing with the mother-in-law.

00:02:23.680 So a lot of brothers get stuck, they're like, listen, you know, and we know the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law, there's disputes, etc.

00:02:29.720 So the topic at hand is very simple.

00:02:32.160 How to deal with your mother-in-law?

00:02:35.320 And also, as a man, how does one juggle?

00:02:38.360 Because one is the one who gave birth to you, the other one is the one that's given birth to your children.

00:02:43.360 So it's a very hard dynamic, and a lot of people want, like, you know, how can we go about this?

00:02:47.220 How do we deal with this?

00:02:48.920 So in a nutshell, I don't know if you guys have any experience.

00:02:51.960 Like, I don't know if you guys have been married or not, for that matter.

00:02:54.460 You don't need to go personal.

00:02:56.260 But, yes, how do you guys, for example, have you ever experienced mother-in-laws being high expectations of, like, you know, like, you're a slave, like, she owns you.

00:03:06.320 You need to cook, you need to clean.

00:03:08.520 Like, you're, like, servitude, like, you're her slave.

00:03:10.780 Is this common?

00:03:12.360 Do you see this in specific cultures?

00:03:14.600 Can we go, sister?

00:03:15.220 Yeah, I think they want to be appreciated.

00:03:20.440 Okay.

00:03:21.160 Maybe that's...

00:03:22.040 Who wants to be appreciated?

00:03:23.480 The mother-in-law.

00:03:24.880 She's quite hard on the woman.

00:03:26.920 Have you ever witnessed this in families or et cetera?

00:03:29.360 I have in my own family, actually.

00:03:32.060 And it's kind of mean to do that to a person that's an outsider.

00:03:36.360 Okay, all right.

00:03:39.380 And they don't, they don't, on top of that, like, they don't want to have that conversation as well.

00:03:44.960 Okay.

00:03:46.220 Yeah.

00:03:46.780 All right, sisters, any, like, have you guys come across this, like...

00:03:50.780 I think seeing a lot of friends that have been married and stuff, the things that they, from what they told me,

00:04:00.220 it actually, the whole talk of, you know, going into another family, being with your mother-in-law,

00:04:06.780 it derives from the fact that sometimes the mother-in-law is actually, it's the fear of,

00:04:13.480 they think that when their wife comes in, when wife comes to the house, they will take the son away.

00:04:19.480 And when they say that, what they mean is it's no longer the mother-in-law giving, you know,

00:04:24.040 like, asking her son to do something.

00:04:26.200 And now it's, like, another person is in the household and she is his priority as well.

00:04:31.960 So I think you've got the derives from the thought, again, of the fact that it's just pure fear that the son is going to be taken away.

00:04:38.940 But it shouldn't be like that.

00:04:40.440 It's because she's built her entire world around her son.

00:04:44.060 And so, like, the idea of another woman, like, taking her son away, it's like an abandonment issue kind of thing as well.

00:04:53.940 So I've seen that, like, a lot in, like, the South Asian community.

00:04:58.200 It does happen in our culture as well.

00:05:02.500 And it doesn't have to purely mean that, you know, the mother-in-law is evil.

00:05:06.320 There's cases where women go into the household as a wife and they have already have this mindset that,

00:05:12.200 no, my mother-in-law is going to be evil.

00:05:14.280 Like, you know, she's going to do this to me, she's going to do this to me.

00:05:16.700 But if you go with the mindset and you don't even know how the woman is, how she is,

00:05:22.180 or how she might be the complete opposite of what the mindset you have,

00:05:25.440 and you're going into that marriage thinking, she's going to treat me like this,

00:05:28.460 but it's going to affect how you function within that marriage and you go into that household because of your mindset.

00:05:34.240 So my question to you then would be, how do you deal with a mother-in-law like that?

00:05:39.800 I personally wouldn't know, but I do feel like you have to, a man has to have that balance.

00:05:48.380 So again, you have to learn to balance.

00:05:50.060 It's like, you know, they say you should never scold, you should never shout at your wife in front of your mother

00:05:56.020 and you should never shout at your mother in front of your wife.

00:05:59.600 So that's like, you know, when you find something wrong, say your wife has done something wrong,

00:06:05.400 if you say it, you know, to her, if you say it to her in front of your mother-in-law,

00:06:10.500 she, this is, again, this is scenarios that we've heard.

00:06:12.640 Like, I don't know if you've seen, but on Twitter, there are crazy, like, you know,

00:06:15.660 stuff that people write and all these situations.

00:06:18.960 And it's like, you just have to kind of like find the balance between how to handle your mom and how to handle your wife.

00:06:25.080 Would you move in with your, like, and live with your mother?

00:06:28.260 Like, after, like, after you, you and your husband are new, you're basically, you and your husband are newly married.

00:06:38.600 I personally, I wouldn't.

00:06:41.020 I would.

00:06:42.180 It's quite common in the Asian culture, right?

00:06:43.980 South Asian, yeah.

00:06:44.740 Because now you've got two dynamics.

00:06:45.900 Number one, the first dynamic is the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law cannot maybe get on, for that matter.

00:06:51.320 Then men are stuck in the middle.

00:06:53.220 But then it's when you live with them.

00:06:55.120 And to me, that's, like, how the dynamics work because, bro, that is crazy, bro.

00:07:00.780 It's a disaster.

00:07:01.480 It's the man's responsibility at the end of the day to make sure, like, the mother-in-law and the wife have got a good relationship.

00:07:08.480 Okay.

00:07:08.760 One thing I'll advise is if you have any disputes with your wife or your mother or anything like that, never combine the two.

00:07:15.120 You don't need to go talking to your mother about every little issue you've got with your wife.

00:07:18.900 Because no matter what, that mother is going to hate your wife then.

00:07:22.200 She's going to think, oh, she's manipulating my son.

00:07:24.060 And vice versa.

00:07:25.180 Good.

00:07:25.460 I've seen the daughter, sorry, the wife, hating the mother-in-law because of what the husband's told her.

00:07:30.360 Exactly.

00:07:30.720 You know what I mean?

00:07:30.980 This is a basic principle that I mentioned in other episodes as well, yeah.

00:07:34.580 I have a very strict, me personally, I strictly, strictly never, ever tell my mom the disputes that I have with my wife.

00:07:41.940 My mom will come and say to me, what kind of a son are you?

00:07:45.540 Never open up to you.

00:07:46.660 And I'm like, mom, this is between me and my wife.

00:07:49.000 Me and her are going to be okay.

00:07:50.140 Hey, if I tell you she did A, you're going to remember, she's treating my son like this.

00:07:55.440 And it can be something that you're making up in your head.

00:07:57.300 You've made it bigger than it is.

00:07:58.360 So I make it a principle.

00:07:59.980 I never, ever tell my mom till this day, bro, ever.

00:08:04.040 My mom will look at me.

00:08:05.100 She would go, why are you not telling me?

00:08:07.380 What happened?

00:08:08.700 Well, I get bit of a, my mom goes ham.

00:08:11.600 I'm like, I just, like, I don't argue with my wife.

00:08:13.940 And I've come to my mom, yeah.

00:08:15.000 And then my mom's, I'm like, oh, allow me, man.

00:08:16.900 I just, and then she's like, no, please.

00:08:18.200 And to me, it's like, that principle is very important because some marriage counselors say

00:08:21.920 that the biggest reason why divorces happen is because you get involved.

00:08:24.840 And so I'm in principle, sisters, again, you guys are emotional.

00:08:29.000 You get your, like, family members involved immediately.

00:08:32.460 The topic at hand is not getting in-laws involved, but the mother-in-law.

00:08:35.400 And to now live with them, Aki, how could you, how could you live out of a fight and

00:08:39.160 they don't hear it?

00:08:40.080 That's the problem.

00:08:40.840 I'll give you a bit of information of, like, why South Asians believe in, but, like, their

00:08:44.340 mother-in-laws and stuff.

00:08:46.140 How have you?

00:08:46.900 Okay.

00:08:48.280 Our conclusion, like, was that they're not obliged to.

00:08:51.300 Yeah, no, they don't have to.

00:08:52.240 Islamically, you don't have to.

00:08:53.520 But a lot of people do it because they're such a tight-knit community anyway.

00:08:56.720 Like, when I grew up, I lived with about three different families.

00:08:59.180 We couldn't afford to live separately.

00:09:00.760 So they've taken that, they've taken that mentality and either ran with it and I was passed

00:09:04.660 down to the next generation.

00:09:06.040 How many Asian boys do you know that are saying, oh, you need to live with my family, my parents

00:09:09.120 and stuff?

00:09:09.820 I'd say it's more common than it's not.

00:09:11.520 Even if they can afford to live out, they want their mother to be close to one that

00:09:15.560 they call mummy's boys, aren't they?

00:09:16.960 That's what it is.

00:09:17.920 But for me, yeah.

00:09:19.680 Oh, no, of course it does.

00:09:20.920 I'm not encouraging it.

00:09:21.860 You know, your wife, she says she wants something, but then your mother-in-law, like, she disputes

00:09:28.760 this.

00:09:29.420 Who do you listen to?

00:09:30.200 So, Islamically, I think, actually, I did a bit of research on this.

00:09:33.420 Correct me if I'm wrong.

00:09:34.080 So, once you get married, your wife should be the bigger priority than your mother.

00:09:38.080 Do you know what I mean?

00:09:38.780 So, for me, if I got married, right, I wouldn't mind if my wife lived with my parents, because

00:09:44.240 I know my parents are going to treat her right.

00:09:45.520 I know what kind of people they're like, but I know some of the Bengali parents, they just

00:09:48.960 don't, I know they won't be able to treat their, like, daughter-in-law well.

00:09:52.700 Do you know what I mean?

00:09:53.240 Because they've got, like, a superior mindset, someone coming.

00:09:55.540 Yeah, go on.

00:09:56.020 I would say the foundation and the base should be respect.

00:10:02.440 So, as a wife, to understand your husband's mother's position.

00:10:09.800 She's his mom.

00:10:11.460 She gave birth to him.

00:10:12.880 You respect and love her for that.

00:10:15.300 However, Islamically, she has no rights over you.

00:10:18.280 So, just to be able to understand that, you know what, this is my mother-in-law, spend,

00:10:26.400 even if, for example, I'm going to speak more about the fact that they don't get on.

00:10:30.180 Even if I wasn't to get on with my mother-in-law, I respect and love her.

00:10:37.000 However, I need to understand that my husband lost time with his mom.

00:10:41.600 That's his mom at the end of the day.

00:10:43.960 And Jannah lies under the feet of your mother.

00:10:46.580 So, even if me and my mother-in-law weren't to get on, and alhamdulillah, me and my mother-in-law are fine.

00:10:53.360 But if we weren't to be getting along, I would still respect her for that.

00:10:59.060 And I would, because at the end of the day, I can only be in control of my actions and how I act.

00:11:05.900 I cannot control the other person.

00:11:08.720 So, you have to understand that everyone is an individual.

00:11:12.960 But 100%, the responsibility lies on the husband to create a strong boundary that your mom is not to speak to your wife crazy.

00:11:23.820 Your mom is not to blur the lines.

00:11:25.700 Slaver about nothing like that.

00:11:27.480 She's not supposed, I don't really agree with living with your parents-in-law in the first place.

00:11:35.140 But she's not supposed to get involved into your relationship.

00:11:39.560 And there is lines and boundaries.

00:11:41.840 It's your relationship, it's your marriage, your contract between you, her and Allah.

00:11:46.680 Not you, her, your mom and everyone else.

00:11:48.920 You're not all sleeping in the same bed.

00:11:51.060 And he has to have that backbone.

00:11:54.800 And I know that some men are like mommies.

00:11:57.280 People lack that backbone, yeah.

00:11:59.460 But, like, you're going to lose your wife.

00:12:02.120 And what are you going to do?

00:12:03.060 Stay with your mom.

00:12:03.920 I find the whole, like, jealousy thing, like, the jealousy among, like, mothers and sons a bit weird, personally.

00:12:13.320 Like, very strange.

00:12:15.920 But when it comes to, like, evil mother-in-laws and mommies boys, when it comes to mommies boys, it's never the son's fault.

00:12:23.620 It's always the mothers who entice their sons to make certain decisions.

00:12:26.900 It's never the other way around.

00:12:28.040 I've, right, sometimes it is.

00:12:30.300 But I've always found that it is the mother's fault when it comes down to men.

00:12:35.360 It's just because, like, the mum's always in his business asking him what's going on.

00:12:40.000 I just, I find it difficult to wrap my head around why you would be jealous of your son having a wife.

00:12:46.720 I just find it very strange and weird.

00:12:48.600 I think, you know, I've seen this somewhere.

00:12:50.700 Yeah, it's a really deep-rooted thing.

00:12:53.580 It's a deep-rooted psychological thing where the husband was not as great of a husband to her.

00:13:01.080 So she, I guess, yeah, she found that in her son.

00:13:05.740 And that's why she gets that deep connection with her son.

00:13:08.360 So anything that comes, it threatens her relationship because, you know, her husband wasn't a great, you know, a great husband.

00:13:15.740 Didn't give her the emotional support or whatever it is that she needed.

00:13:19.840 So that's why she's making that up with her son.

00:13:24.640 But they don't realise they're doing that, though.

00:13:27.340 I think it's like when girls have daddy issues because they crave that.

00:13:31.800 And the thing is, I think, so I was going to touch upon this.

00:13:33.680 I think that's where it stems from, is that the husband is not in their life and maybe they've divorced.

00:13:38.160 She feels lonely.

00:13:39.260 And there's a fear as well at the end of the day because a little woman comes to this realisation,

00:13:43.180 which those who initiate divorce, because you need to understand your kids are going to get married.

00:13:46.820 That's when you're going to realise you're with your cat or your dog.

00:13:49.140 Well, dogs are haram.

00:13:49.940 Or your bag.

00:13:51.140 Or the way you're left with, yeah?

00:13:52.260 Yeah, yeah, it depends.

00:13:53.880 So the thing is here is that this is when the realisation hits a little woman.

00:13:57.540 Because whatever for a reason, I'm seeing there might be valid reasons,

00:14:00.520 but then what happens is when the father's at the picture and they're lonely now,

00:14:03.940 and now the son getting married is terrifying to them.

00:14:07.100 And especially, imagine, just imagine for yourself as you'll put yourself in their shoes as well, yeah?

00:14:11.340 Because one day you guys are going to do it, yeah?

00:14:13.320 And this is very interesting.

00:14:14.060 Whenever I talk about these issues, like Winnebys feminism or this kind of stuff,

00:14:17.680 I realise, you know what, change the dynamics.

00:14:20.120 The moment when these sisters come and talk about,

00:14:22.140 no, but, you know, he should do this, do that.

00:14:23.720 I'm like, okay, just imagine that's your son.

00:14:25.940 They would just have...

00:14:26.740 Bro, you know what happens?

00:14:27.600 Their whole demeanor is like, oh yeah, I'm going to have a son one day.

00:14:29.960 I'm like, yeah, imagine, would you want the wife to do that?

00:14:34.340 So, speaking, think about it.

00:14:35.580 You guys are going to be mothering laws one day, yeah?

00:14:37.280 Imagine being at home alone and your son is getting married, yeah?

00:14:40.360 This will put into perspective.

00:14:41.200 That's why I see some of the sisters are smirking, yeah?

00:14:42.980 It's because now it's like, oh my gosh, actually, that's going to be me one day.

00:14:46.420 So, imagine it's frightening, but at the same time, there should be boundaries.

00:14:50.040 I'll come to later, bro.

00:14:54.240 Not disagreeing, bro.

00:14:55.700 No, you can't hear it, bro.

00:14:56.860 So, wait.

00:14:58.160 Yes.

00:14:58.740 I'll get you back.

00:14:59.680 Yes.

00:15:01.300 Basically, I don't know if you guys know, but the problem to the Ummah,

00:15:04.360 of the Ummah work like this.

00:15:05.920 So, you have Gen X, the Millennials, and then Gen Z.

00:15:09.480 When the Gen X, they don't solve their problems, it's going to cater,

00:15:12.480 it's going to go to move on to the worlds of the Millennials.

00:15:15.320 And when they don't solve their problems, so now you have two problems,

00:15:18.380 they move on to the Gen Z.

00:15:20.180 Now, Gen Z, now we have three problems.

00:15:21.880 For example, just because, yes, within the frame of respect,

00:15:25.460 Hikama, you advise your parents, yes.

00:15:27.260 But just to say, because no matter where the toxicity is coming from,

00:15:31.320 from a cultural standpoint or just from a purely attachment side,

00:15:34.580 it doesn't mean she has a right to just walk over all over the sun.

00:15:39.500 Everyone has a fear, because it's Allah-legislated,

00:15:42.940 not man-legislated laws that we've been prescribed upon.

00:15:46.360 Every human, every position, no matter father, mother, nephew, niece,

00:15:50.140 you have your own position, you only say to a certain extent.

00:15:53.500 And the way you say it and the way you go about and do it is very different.

00:15:57.640 Now, coming to the Sun-in-Law,

00:15:59.440 coming to the Sun-in-Law is that he needs to know what he should and should not do.

00:16:04.580 Before marriage.

00:16:05.280 And to be honest, I'm not going to say he's not ready for marriage.

00:16:08.160 But it's a red flag.

00:16:10.620 It's a red flag to see that you're going to take your mother's side

00:16:13.900 when your wife is clearly on the right side of the deed.

00:16:18.300 Because Kalimut al-Uliya, Allah's plan is higher for us in every avenue of life.

00:16:22.640 Period.

00:16:23.280 There's no go away about doing it this way or that way.

00:16:29.780 Wow.

00:16:31.020 Nice.

00:16:31.460 It's interesting you mentioned whether the father or the husband would be absent or not.

00:16:37.800 I think that actually makes it easier for the man to become the man of the house,

00:16:41.820 especially the oldest.

00:16:43.880 Me, personally, as everyone knows, I live with my grandma.

00:16:46.660 Well, yeah, because I live with my grandma, I won't move out.

00:16:49.420 The older she gets, the more she's going to have to be looked after.

00:16:51.540 So I'm going to stay at mine, and then it will be mine after.

00:16:56.700 My wife in the future will move in with me.

00:17:00.360 But the only reason I'm able to do that is because my grandfather is dead.

00:17:07.040 So I don't know.

00:17:08.580 The lack of fathers, you'd think, I guess it's either or.

00:17:12.900 Like, my family's never been like that, but I know other families.

00:17:16.040 I just find it strange.

00:17:19.440 I keep going back to that.

00:17:20.460 It's weird.

00:17:20.920 It's strange.

00:17:21.460 But it's difficult to have an opinion on it because it's quite a taboo thing to have.

00:17:27.060 Because you know they're not thinking about their sons in strange ways like that.

00:17:31.140 It's just you've got something, yeah, as you said, there's something not quite right there.

00:17:36.560 But I don't think, I don't think there's anything the son can do about it.

00:17:41.120 If you're, if you, if it's a mummy's boy, I genuinely believe that that is because of the mother.

00:17:47.140 There's nothing your husband.

00:17:48.720 You know, he, at the end of the day, he's still an individual.

00:17:53.380 You are, you are still, you are, if you get married, you have to fulfill the rights of your wife.

00:17:58.180 Okay, let me just change, all right, cool, that's true.

00:18:00.460 So he needs to, like, somehow, put a backbone and stand up for himself.

00:18:04.380 Yeah, and 100%, I agree with that.

00:18:05.740 He does, he does, but there's,

00:18:07.340 It's not his fault, it's not his fault.

00:18:08.980 I think that's, that's what I forgot to say.

00:18:10.440 It's not his fault he is the way he is.

00:18:12.340 No, he's still, it's still his fault.

00:18:14.040 He's a man, he has to take accountability.

00:18:15.820 If you're married and your mother, your mother's deciding how your marriage works, where she lives, that's, that's ridiculous.

00:18:21.560 But you should still change your mindset.

00:18:23.320 You should discover Islam, research it, find out why am I like this?

00:18:26.840 Why has my mother got such a hold on me?

00:18:28.580 I need to change it because I'm never going to have a successful relationship if my mother dictates everything.

00:18:33.660 Do you know what I mean?

00:18:34.040 And another thing as well, I want to say, for devil's advocate, I don't believe in this, but like, I think sons sort of value their mother so much because of the hadith.

00:18:43.400 Why is it that heaven lays at your mother's feet?

00:18:45.860 So I think they, yeah, yeah.

00:18:47.600 So I think a lot, is it a weird narration?

00:18:51.240 But a lot of boys will use, they'll use that as an excuse, not an excuse, they'll say, you know, this is why we value our mother so much.

00:18:58.460 And sometimes I value the mother more than the wife because they think we're going to go like, you know, we treat my mother right.

00:19:03.600 Your parents are gates to Jenna.

00:19:04.960 Yeah, yeah.

00:19:05.300 So your mother is a gate to Jenna, how you treat her.

00:19:08.660 And yes, you should respect your mum.

00:19:11.100 But then there's, there's a thin line between, I get what you're saying, but I do feel like some of these men, and I have examples of this.

00:19:19.140 Because they really are mummies, boys, like, oh, I'm going to go to my mum.

00:19:24.780 Oh, my mum.

00:19:25.700 Oh, yeah.

00:19:26.140 You know, my mum used to cook this like this.

00:19:28.040 Or, you know, they start bringing examples of their mum.

00:19:30.840 Like comparisons.

00:19:31.740 Do you want to marry your mum?

00:19:33.680 Do you want to marry your mum?

00:19:35.220 Sorry.

00:19:35.900 And then on top of that, you, you are now like, just my mum, my mum, comparing me to your mum.

00:19:43.360 And it makes them seem immature.

00:19:44.780 Sure, but also, I have an example of this girl that I know.

00:19:52.100 Her mother-in-law would call her and be like, you need to put makeup on.

00:19:56.060 You need to dress up for your husband.

00:19:59.760 She just gave birth.

00:20:01.800 Oh, you know, you've not really done your hair.

00:20:04.440 Oh, you've not really.

00:20:06.460 Who are you to, she'll FaceTime her.

00:20:09.800 And then see her and be like, yeah, I see you.

00:20:12.480 You're not really, you know, you have to do this.

00:20:15.180 When you do ghusul, you have to put musk.

00:20:17.660 Just overstepping boundaries and just being all up in my business when you really don't have business up in my business.

00:20:25.180 And I just think it's, it's like, it's weird.

00:20:28.620 Like, I find it very weird.

00:20:30.500 And when I heard of that, I just thought.

00:20:33.000 To touch on that as well, similar situation.

00:20:34.920 I know like a lot of relatives, at least five or six, have gone through divorces because of the mother-in-law.

00:20:39.440 And let me say one thing, let me say one thing.

00:20:42.360 By the way, they don't because of the mother-in-law.

00:20:42.960 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:20:44.100 Nine times, they will divorce usually.

00:20:45.900 But let me say one thing.

00:20:48.080 It's the husband's duty to communicate with the daughter what's expected and what she expects.

00:20:53.520 They need to have a conversation.

00:20:54.960 So I had this, I'm not going to say who it was, but I had like a, let's say, family friend.

00:20:58.160 She moved in with her husband, right?

00:20:59.880 They were in love, whatever, right?

00:21:01.440 She doesn't wear the hijab or anything like that.

00:21:03.520 I don't know if she's practicing or not.

00:21:04.700 I have no idea.

00:21:05.520 But her mother-in-law, like, demanded, you have to wear the hijab.

00:21:07.820 You have to come down.

00:21:08.740 You have to cook and clean.

00:21:09.940 And then she asked her husband, like, we never agreed this.

00:21:12.620 What's going on?

00:21:13.600 Like, you never said I was supposed to be a servant for essentially your mother.

00:21:19.480 It's out of her goodwill.

00:21:20.800 Yeah, yeah.

00:21:21.120 Yeah, she doesn't need to do that.

00:21:22.500 She doesn't need to.

00:21:23.080 She only needs to care about her own family, not extended family.

00:21:26.740 She's, we've done an episode.

00:21:28.940 She has no right to stay with them.

00:21:30.800 Yeah, she doesn't have to.

00:21:31.440 If it's not, Islamically, she has a right to ask for her own place.

00:21:34.000 But obviously it's from her rahmah.

00:21:34.920 If she sees that the mother's alone, it's her choice that she has mercy, you know.

00:21:40.180 And they talk about it before.

00:21:41.260 If she said, it should be clear and say, look, I have a mom.

00:21:43.520 We've got nowhere to go.

00:21:44.500 You would have to live with us.

00:21:45.300 We'll try our best at the dynamics where, you know, you're not in each other's face that much, etc.

00:21:49.640 It is hard, but you know, it's, you know what it's like.

00:21:52.680 There's an ayah in the Quran which is very interesting.

00:21:54.080 Allah says in the Quran, the good deed and the evil deed does not be equal.

00:21:58.120 Repel evil with one which is better.

00:22:02.380 And it says, faithful believers.

00:22:04.780 Oh, sorry.

00:22:05.760 And then it says, Allah orders the faithful believers to be patient at the time of anger and excuse those who treat them badly.

00:22:12.360 Listen carefully.

00:22:13.240 It says, then verily, he between whom you and there is animosity, enmity, as you will become good friends.

00:22:21.420 So this village, Allah is saying, good and evil is not the same.

00:22:24.100 Repel evil with which that is good, that you might have animosity, for example, between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law, that you might dislike each other.

00:22:31.380 But Allah puts that mercy in between you guys.

00:22:34.140 You get it?

00:22:34.720 So the point is very simple.

00:22:36.860 So me, from my personal experience, when it comes to this stuff, I realize boundaries are very important.

00:22:41.740 So for example, I'll give you an example.

00:22:44.860 My mom, for example, it's a little bit personal, but I'm comfortable mentioning it.

00:22:48.080 And I'm doing this for the sake of Allah.

00:22:49.700 So genuinely, I don't want people, these things break their marriages.

00:22:52.760 So the bitter truth is about that.

00:22:54.520 That to me, for example, I can remember once my wife, I think she made rogues.

00:22:57.760 And it took her a whole day that he was like, and she wanted to do it, yeah?

00:23:01.260 And actually, to be honest, even if she didn't want to do it, if I ask her, she should probably do it, yeah?

00:23:04.600 May Allah bless her.

00:23:05.380 So the point is this, because some people are like, yeah, I have to ask, yeah?

00:23:08.140 Blue pill nonsense.

00:23:09.040 But the point is this, and red pill is nonsense also.

00:23:11.900 She was cooking.

00:23:12.700 So what happened is, she was really, because she's doing so.

00:23:14.640 So what I said to her, I said, I'll do the dishes.

00:23:17.360 I wanted to, because I used to work in a Bengali restaurant, and I used to watch the dishes, yeah?

00:23:20.580 So I don't really mind, I like cleaning cars and stuff like that, it's just probably of mine.

00:23:24.320 Anyways, so I said, I'm going to do the dishes.

00:23:25.920 Now, my mum was like, get out of the kitchen, yeah?

00:23:29.980 She was like, get out of the kitchen, because my mum was very, like, we've been growing up like that, do you get it?

00:23:32.740 My mum, she could, she would spoon feed me to this table.

00:23:36.080 Literally, bro, where are you?

00:23:37.360 And that's mother.

00:23:38.580 But I had to communicate to her, and I said, mum, listen, I want to do the dishes.

00:23:43.340 What you're doing now, because the thing is, like, if my wife understood, because she's speaking to me in the language,

00:23:48.920 but she might feel a bit hurtful, like, you know, what's wrong if he's healthy, did you get it?

00:23:52.300 Now, is my mum coming from an easy place?

00:23:53.800 No, it's because to her tradition, she's seen that, like that.

00:23:56.280 So now, I had to, I was in a real-life situation, I was like, oh my gosh, I need to, the balance, do this, you get what I'm trying to say?

00:24:02.200 So I spoke in my language, and I said, mum, we'll talk about it later, yeah?

00:24:05.380 I said, let me just finish, we'll talk about it later, yeah?

00:24:07.340 So I'd done the dishes, I helped her with the dishes, et cetera, because she was telling me, like, my mum was saying, go, I'll do it.

00:24:14.180 So she wasn't saying, let your wife do it, she's saying, I'll do it.

00:24:16.880 So I spoke to Alaya, and I said, mum, you need to understand, I have a dynamic with my wife.

00:24:21.180 Your dynamic may have been different, my dynamic is totally different.

00:24:24.680 If you get involved, all it's going to do is going to, and I'm happy where I am, don't get involved, yeah?

00:24:30.000 And with all due respect, I had to, like, break it down, because mum, I don't want to hurt her feelings, you get it?

00:24:33.080 So I was in a real-life situation where I had to break that down, and even if my wife kind of sensed it,

00:24:38.280 I was like, oh, what was your mum saying?

00:24:39.200 I was like, no, I know, she was just asking me about, you know, I just had to make up something like, yeah, in Turkey, you know, something about something else, yeah?

00:24:46.340 So I had to mention it, and that's when I realised the dynamics that I need to work with.

00:24:50.640 And that worked with me, and my mum, sometimes I have those tendencies again, where I'm doing something, where I'm helping my wife,

00:24:56.260 she just doesn't want me to be, like, in the kitchen.

00:24:58.540 It's not that she's saying, let your wife do it, she's like, I'll do it, you go sit down.

00:25:02.520 And I'm like, mum, no, you relax, you've come to our house.

00:25:04.820 That's because of how she was brought up, so you can't even blame your mum to an extent.

00:25:07.920 Exactly, so we can't really blame, so...

00:25:08.440 You just need to speak to her.

00:25:09.320 Exactly, communication is a must, and sometimes, like, for example, I see in families, I speak to brothers as well, they're like, how do I deal with this?

00:25:16.340 And I'm like, one brother said to me that, it's not that the mother-in-law was transgressing,

00:25:21.380 but there were certain things that she was doing that was a little bit hurtful to the wife, but the wife was patient.

00:25:26.200 They often are.

00:25:26.780 I'm so sorry to cut you, but there's an example of some mothers-in-law really cause fit now.

00:25:33.180 Yes.

00:25:33.560 Because they will gossip now about the wife.

00:25:36.440 Yes.

00:25:37.960 Other aunties, sisters.

00:25:39.700 It's feeling weird, and other sisters, cousins, and other family members are feeling some type of way,

00:25:45.200 because, you know, the mother has said, oh, she's dirty, or she doesn't do this, and, oh, you know,

00:25:51.940 I saw my son cleaning the dishes, and he was doing this, and she doesn't even do this, you know,

00:25:58.740 and then the family are now looking at the wife sideways, and she can't now build a relationship with other family members.

00:26:05.840 Because they're judging her already.

00:26:07.020 Yeah, they judged her based upon...

00:26:09.080 So, so that's...

00:26:10.180 And that is really a big...

00:26:12.360 It's so toxic.

00:26:13.340 It's so toxic.

00:26:13.860 One thing that I learned from the experience as well with the brothers as well is that very suddenly...

00:26:17.220 Sorry?

00:26:19.260 Oh, sorry.

00:26:19.980 So one thing that me personally, Aki, is when I spoke to my wife, I mean, my mum,

00:26:23.600 and I told her, I said, mum, please, I'm just asking, with this stuff, please don't, please don't, yeah?

00:26:28.800 I noticed in my mum that she was more careful.

00:26:33.880 Yeah, yeah.

00:26:34.320 And I realised my mum was like, okay, I'll just leave you and your wife, you guys.

00:26:37.400 She went a little, she's like, okay, whatever.

00:26:39.160 So I realised my mum, now my mum understood as a son, I put a little boundary in place in the best possible way,

00:26:45.060 with kindness, and it worked.

00:26:47.460 Now my mum, like, not that my mum, I don't want to get into details with my mum and my wife's relation,

00:26:52.460 alhamdulillah, yeah?

00:26:52.900 I don't want to get into details, yeah?

00:26:53.880 But the point is this, yeah?

00:26:55.060 It worked.

00:26:55.960 There you go.

00:26:56.320 My mum would be less, she wouldn't come, even if she sees it, she doesn't say nothing.

00:26:59.720 You know?

00:26:59.900 So as a man, you have to, it's your responsibility.

00:27:04.320 As a man, to keep the woman folk, be it your mum, in check in a respectful way.

00:27:10.240 Do you get what I'm trying to say?

00:27:11.140 Both of that.

00:27:11.940 So it's your responsibility.

00:27:13.480 If you don't do that, there has to be accountability.

00:27:15.480 I don't buy this nonsense of mummy boys.

00:27:17.020 I don't give a damn.

00:27:17.780 I've already...

00:27:18.280 You're a mummy boy, you can come out of it.

00:27:19.900 Do you get what I'm trying to say?

00:27:20.920 This is nonsense of, yeah, I don't care.

00:27:23.760 Do you get it?

00:27:24.100 It's your journey.

00:27:24.800 If I let my mum, I swear to God, I would have been a mummy's boy today if I let my mum do...

00:27:30.060 I swear my mum would not let me work.

00:27:31.780 I had to come out of that.

00:27:33.440 I went and lived on my own.

00:27:35.200 I had to go and explore life.

00:27:36.760 Do you get what I'm trying to say?

00:27:37.520 So there's no excuse in doing that.

00:27:39.540 So it's a duty.

00:27:40.600 I already spoke to my mother.

00:27:41.660 I'm not even married yet.

00:27:42.640 But I spoke to her mother.

00:27:43.540 I was just asking her questions.

00:27:44.680 I didn't set boundaries.

00:27:45.460 I just asked her, what would you do if me and my missus had like a dispute of some sort?

00:27:49.680 Like, would you get involved?

00:27:50.540 She's like, no, that's only for you two to discuss.

00:27:52.760 If you need my advice, I'll give you.

00:27:54.680 Apart from that, she's not going to get involved.

00:27:56.500 That's the perfect approach.

00:27:58.120 Like the mother's there when you need advice.

00:27:59.500 That's it.

00:28:00.220 But touching on the point of what the sister said with toxic, like gossiping and stuff like that.

00:28:05.200 It's so prominent in our culture, South Asian culture.

00:28:08.920 Everyone gossips about everyone.

00:28:10.820 It's crazy.

00:28:12.240 Like that's what splits marriages apart.

00:28:14.220 Like little gossips that half times, they're not even true.

00:28:16.900 The Bengali sisters can probably like say the same thing.

00:28:19.560 Bengali aunties are.

00:28:20.560 Most times like the wife will come and tell the husband like, look, your mom's like, she's playing games.

00:28:25.280 She's playing all these games.

00:28:26.700 She's making lines upon my name.

00:28:29.200 And the guy will be like, dare you speak about my mom like that?

00:28:34.240 How dare you?

00:28:35.740 It's so bad.

00:28:36.580 Like they really hold their mom to a really high standard in a very weird way.

00:28:42.440 And then, and then, yeah.

00:28:44.100 And then if you, there's also the, if you're a mummy's boy, it comes in, it comes hand in hand with like these guys expecting their wife to be exactly like their mom.

00:28:53.520 Exactly.

00:28:53.880 Which is almost weird to an extent.

00:28:55.200 So weird.

00:28:55.380 Because you're thinking, why do you want to get married too?

00:28:56.880 Because if you're a mummy's boy, you've most likely been babied and like you've been, you've just like, you know, sat in your room while your mom cleaned your clothes and took after you, after you.

00:29:06.020 And then they expect their wives to do the same thing.

00:29:08.880 And when the wife doesn't do this, when she doesn't do the same thing, they're like, my mom doesn't do this.

00:29:14.780 Yeah.

00:29:15.040 So let me ask you guys, let me ask you guys a question.

00:29:17.060 Not your mom.

00:29:17.720 Let me ask you guys a question then.

00:29:20.180 So let's say you found someone, yeah, you're getting married to him.

00:29:24.780 His mom and dad, they're quite ill.

00:29:26.420 They need someone to look after him.

00:29:27.440 He's the only son or the eldest son.

00:29:29.500 Would you be okay with them moving in with you or?

00:29:32.520 No?

00:29:32.720 Sorry.

00:29:34.180 Allah isha'afi'um.

00:29:35.960 But my house is my house.

00:29:38.100 I will come personally to look after your parents every single day.

00:29:43.060 I will come every day that I'm able.

00:29:45.620 I will bring them shopping.

00:29:46.660 I will look after them, help them, clean their feet, whatever the hell you want me to do.

00:29:51.620 But I'm not living with them much.

00:29:53.520 That's fair enough.

00:29:54.440 That's fair enough.

00:29:55.240 Personally, I have to live my life.

00:29:58.120 And you want your privacy as well, don't you?

00:29:59.880 60 years of life, 70 years of life, and now they want it in full.

00:30:04.100 That's unfair as well.

00:30:05.500 In Islam, we are not supposed to burden one another.

00:30:09.280 And that would be a burden to me.

00:30:11.000 I'm not saying I wouldn't look after them, of course.

00:30:13.040 I want the hasanat.

00:30:14.320 But we can do that from separate houses.

00:30:16.660 We can live closely enough, and I'll go and look after them.

00:30:20.320 I'm not inclined to live in the household with them and become the slave, essentially.

00:30:28.580 Yes, I will help, but yeah.

00:30:30.320 What about you guys?

00:30:30.980 You can live with them and you're not a slave.

00:30:31.920 Because they don't have demand.

00:30:36.200 They're just like, look, totally respect.

00:30:38.420 The thing is, a lot of women want privacy.

00:30:40.940 A lot of women will want their own privacy to walk around without a hijab on, for example.

00:30:44.520 When their father-in-law is there or brothers of the father-in-law is fine.

00:30:47.460 I know, but for example, I've got a little brother, right?

00:30:50.020 So if my wife moved in with me, she'd have to wear the attire, wouldn't she?

00:30:53.640 So that's the issue.

00:30:55.180 So if I get married, you know.

00:30:56.760 It's true, but you know which comes to our point, which is interesting, is that, okay,

00:31:00.240 these are mummy's boys, yeah?

00:31:02.640 You guys are going to be mummies.

00:31:04.780 And you're going to maybe have boys.

00:31:06.700 So we need to come to, how are you guys?

00:31:08.780 Is it the mummies?

00:31:10.100 Because we're talking about the mother-in-law, but you guys are going to be mothers as well

00:31:13.120 one day.

00:31:13.660 So how would you guys educate your sons?

00:31:16.520 Because this is an issue that you guys are going to face.

00:31:18.720 You know, it's going to be you one day with your daughter-in-law.

00:31:21.100 So in that aspect, dynamics are going to change.

00:31:23.180 You're going to be like, oh my gosh, I was talking about myself all that time.

00:31:26.440 So what would you guys say about your, imagine if you had sons, how would you nurture them

00:31:31.480 and teach them the dynamic to understand when that time comes?

00:31:35.120 Can we start with Sister Karim?

00:31:37.060 What I would first and foremost say is, for children, they're creatures of imitation.

00:31:45.260 So they don't actually think for themselves until a certain age.

00:31:49.900 So for me personally, the best way to teach them to really truth be a strong man is through

00:31:58.820 modelling it.

00:31:59.740 You need to first find it in a man and the man's, the man can model that aspect of it

00:32:07.220 and you as a woman can give like that emotional support, teach them empathy, teach them, you

00:32:12.740 know, the emotion, the things that we, that is important.

00:32:16.340 The life skills like cooking and cleaning and doing the laundry.

00:32:19.440 Yeah, yeah, exactly.

00:32:21.260 Teach them all of that.

00:32:23.700 To be self-sufficient as well.

00:32:24.960 Or you can, you can say words, but they don't really mean much other than showing it.

00:32:31.160 Yeah.

00:32:31.460 That's the best way.

00:32:32.120 Lead by example.

00:32:32.700 I think I would teach my son to, you know, he needs to have a say in certain things.

00:32:41.880 A lot of parents I see that, you know, we're talking about mommy's voice, right?

00:32:45.480 One of the reasons why they can't stand up for themselves in front of their mothers is

00:32:50.300 because they keep it in themselves.

00:32:51.960 They ask, it's the fear, right?

00:32:53.920 Again, it's the fear.

00:32:55.500 If you teach your child, your son from, you know, when, from the age where he's, he can,

00:33:00.760 he has the ability to understand that he now has a say in the decisions that he makes and

00:33:05.920 he has a opinion.

00:33:07.420 When he grows up, he will have those boundaries.

00:33:10.580 He will be able to stand up to his mother and say that, you know, mom, this is how I want

00:33:15.560 it.

00:33:15.800 This is what I don't want.

00:33:16.920 But if he's not taught from a young age, from when he has the ability that he can have a

00:33:22.880 say, he can have an opinion and he can have a mindset.

00:33:26.020 Like if he wants something, he will say it.

00:33:28.100 You as a mother need to make him feel comfortable enough for him to come and say that to you from

00:33:33.620 a young age.

00:33:34.260 If that doesn't happen and it just continuously goes on for when he becomes an adult, that's

00:33:38.940 how it's going to be for the rest of his life.

00:33:40.380 So if you have the son and like, how would you train him?

00:33:47.600 Cause at the end of the day, you know, you, you know, if you treat him in a way where you

00:33:51.860 do everything for him, you just end up being that mom's boy that you want to get.

00:33:54.780 You know, I would give my, uh, my son responsibilities from the get go, um, financial responsibilities

00:34:01.360 in, in the sense that I would give him pocket money to go, uh, like, let's say we go like

00:34:06.340 food shopping together, you like, and I'll give him the money, uh, you pay for it.

00:34:10.780 It'll give him like a sense of responsibility, um, uh, doing things around the house.

00:34:16.580 Um, let's say if he has younger siblings, you know, uh, making sure they're okay, giving

00:34:21.260 him a sense of responsibility, which is going to make him feel like a man from the get go.

00:34:25.720 Because I feel like, um, for a man, what makes, uh, what makes a man, uh, a man is, um, having

00:34:33.400 that responsibility and eventually you start to form your own opinion, your own identity.

00:34:38.360 Um, uh, yeah.

00:34:40.400 Good.

00:34:40.620 That's interesting because you see what you're doing here.

00:34:42.140 You're, you're, you're nurturing.

00:34:43.380 And this is very important.

00:34:44.380 Why father figures are important.

00:34:46.140 Yeah.

00:34:46.380 Studies show that a, you know, a single father, uh, does a better job raising, uh, than a single

00:34:53.340 mother, because you need to understand, there's some studies that show this, yeah.

00:34:56.440 Reason being is, for example, when a woman gets divorced, she needs to adapt or take on masculine

00:35:01.440 traits, providing, you get it.

00:35:03.620 But you think about it, the opposite doesn't really happen.

00:35:05.220 You don't see a man who's a single father becoming feminine.

00:35:07.500 So it shows that we need masculinity to survive.

00:35:09.920 So, which is very key.

00:35:11.300 So it's very important.

00:35:12.280 This is the reason why we talk about divorce.

00:35:13.740 And I know, look, it happens.

00:35:15.360 We're not trying to blame people, et cetera.

00:35:16.640 The stigma.

00:35:17.500 Divorce happens.

00:35:18.300 It's normal.

00:35:19.140 Uh, but trying your best not to, because the detriments, the after effects are quite drastic

00:35:23.160 as well.

00:35:23.740 It's important as a, because what that means is, again, as a mother, you need to take on these

00:35:27.540 masculine roles to now make him a man.

00:35:31.440 Now, there's going to be a certain point, because I see a lot of people where the son's

00:35:35.300 reaching the age of 14, 15.

00:35:37.380 There's no more.

00:35:37.980 I'm going to, he's grown, he's bigger than his mom.

00:35:40.880 Now, it's, that is going out of the room.

00:35:42.700 I've seen a video.

00:35:43.440 Yeah, it starts from young.

00:35:43.840 I saw it, I saw it, I saw it.

00:35:44.820 You know, actually, I'll tell you something very interesting, yeah.

00:35:46.740 It's, and this is very fundamental.

00:35:48.860 So, my wife, and I'm giving this from personal experience, because, by Allah, the only reason

00:35:53.140 I'm doing this, because I see for myself, it works.

00:35:55.160 I just want people to adapt it.

00:35:57.200 Is that, my wife would call my little daughter, like, change the nappy, yeah.

00:36:01.240 She ain't coming for nothing.

00:36:02.960 Bro, the moment I walk in the room, and I just say, ladies and gentlemen, like, lay down,

00:36:08.480 I'm telling you.

00:36:09.400 She, my wife, last week, she looked, she was upset.

00:36:12.260 She was like, because she was like, she had a mouth drop.

00:36:14.440 I was like, what?

00:36:14.660 Assum Allah.

00:36:15.200 Assum Allah.

00:36:15.780 Alhamdulillah, of course.

00:36:16.580 All praise be upon Allah.

00:36:17.620 And then she was shocked.

00:36:18.280 She's like, I've been fighting here.

00:36:19.880 Bro, all I did was look after her and said, listen, up, lay down, yeah.

00:36:23.920 Bro, she was putting her legs in the nappy, bro.

00:36:27.180 Like, do you get it?

00:36:27.740 Like, her legs were going in the nappy, yeah.

00:36:29.340 And I just said, you need to understand the dynamics is the rahma, but also with me,

00:36:33.500 it's, do you get what I'm trying to say?

00:36:35.840 This is how, and this is a daughter.

00:36:37.500 This is my daughter.

00:36:38.480 For my son, boy, yeah, boxing, yeah.

00:36:41.560 But I'm telling you, on a different level.

00:36:43.860 You know why?

00:36:44.180 Because we have so much burden on our shoulders.

00:36:47.520 The responsibility is so great.

00:36:49.460 If I don't show him the hardship now, he's going, this world is going to destroy.

00:36:54.580 So that's the reason why one of the things we need to teach our sons,

00:36:58.160 I don't have a son.

00:36:58.860 I've got three daughters, Alhamdulillah, yeah.

00:37:00.080 But I will teach my son to be a man.

00:37:03.660 Do you get what I'm trying to say?

00:37:04.420 And if your mom comes and tells you or oppresses your wife,

00:37:07.400 you respect your mom, but you respect your mom.

00:37:10.040 No, because Allah tells us in the Quran, speak the truth,

00:37:13.220 even if it's against yourself or kin.

00:37:15.200 Meaning to us, haqq is more beloved than my mom, my dad, I don't care.

00:37:20.080 In a gentle way, you say, mom, I'm so sorry, you're here,

00:37:22.820 you're oppressing my wife.

00:37:24.040 You're oppressing my wife, and this is not fair.

00:37:26.520 It will put a boundary.

00:37:28.060 I'm telling you, once, twice, third time, your mom's going to say,

00:37:31.080 you know what?

00:37:31.800 I'm going to take a step back.

00:37:33.140 And as a man, it's your responsibility.

00:37:34.980 There is no excuses of being a mommy's boy.

00:37:36.780 I've gone through this time and time again at home,

00:37:40.700 so I'm really worn out saying it again.

00:37:43.560 But the way I'll bring up my son will be quite harsh.

00:37:47.260 No one's...

00:37:48.560 Trust me, I don't think you're going to like it.

00:37:50.600 No, but bro, you know what I'm talking about?

00:37:52.760 If I had a son, I'd be boxing and I'd stop punching his ribs slowly.

00:37:56.000 No, slowly, slowly.

00:37:56.900 No, you have to, bro.

00:37:57.640 Slowly, slowly.

00:37:58.360 It's not about punching.

00:37:59.120 It's about mental toughness.

00:38:00.580 No, no, no, no.

00:38:01.480 I think teaching your son to be mentally tough...

00:38:05.420 True, but let me tell you something.

00:38:06.400 You need to be physically tough.

00:38:07.560 As men, we need physical pain.

00:38:12.060 We love it.

00:38:13.180 It has to be installed in there.

00:38:14.380 With the...

00:38:15.420 With the...

00:38:16.540 You love it, bro.

00:38:17.420 Try it.

00:38:17.740 Have a cold freezing shower, bro.

00:38:21.740 What?

00:38:27.560 Yeah, no, I think the father figure is so important, you know.

00:38:31.120 Yeah, because the father is the one that enforces the discipline, 100%.

00:38:36.700 I mean, even...

00:38:37.840 I have dogs.

00:38:38.980 One of them is a guard dog.

00:38:40.900 And it...

00:38:41.700 Obviously, they're not like children.

00:38:43.540 But my nan will try and tell them what to do, and it just doesn't work.

00:38:48.060 Because she's too nice.

00:38:48.980 She treats them like an actual human being, and it's too nice.

00:38:52.060 I only have to say things once, just one time, and they do as they're told.

00:38:55.920 It's exactly the same with children as well.

00:38:57.920 For me, bringing up my son, it will be completely offensive.

00:39:01.120 But it didn't have a sense of discipline.

00:39:02.700 I know we had a similar conversation.

00:39:04.260 You did speak about this.

00:39:04.880 You did speak about this.

00:39:06.080 But I think it's just due to discipline.

00:39:08.820 Yeah?

00:39:10.660 I'll be harsh on both my children, because the world is a very difficult place, a harsh

00:39:14.560 and horrible place, and that's the reality of it.

00:39:17.440 So, I'm not really going to get into how I'm disciplined, because God knows I'm disciplined.

00:39:22.940 I might not actually do the things I say now.

00:39:25.340 So, I don't want to give, say, the wrong things to people listening and say, yeah, that's

00:39:30.800 a good idea, when in reality, I'll be doing it.

00:39:32.500 Shout, man.

00:39:32.980 You get arrested for it.

00:39:34.000 Shout him, man.

00:39:35.220 But, yeah, no.

00:39:35.860 One of the things, one of the punishments here, if you do anything wrong, if you swear,

00:39:39.060 if you cuss, if you don't eat your dinner, I will make you sit against the wall, and

00:39:42.480 you will kneel against the wall for a full minute.

00:39:44.900 And you will do that every single time you swear, and you will not swear ever again by

00:39:49.300 the time you're, like, by the time you're a teenager, and you will learn this.

00:39:52.700 I promise you.

00:39:53.780 And you know what?

00:39:55.100 My kids, you know you're going to watch this, maybe in, like, 10 years, yeah?

00:39:58.300 Inshallah.

00:39:58.800 You're going to watch this, yeah?

00:39:59.860 And just remember, all them times you spent against the wall, yeah?

00:40:03.280 You could have prevented, because you didn't have to swear.

00:40:06.640 But, yeah, no, seriously.

00:40:07.860 100%.

00:40:08.440 100%.

00:40:08.840 I actually know people.

00:40:10.760 I actually know people that do that.

00:40:11.460 My question would be, where did they learn to swear in the first place?

00:40:14.500 That's, that's, not me.

00:40:15.520 Because our children, don't be swearing.

00:40:17.200 Okay.

00:40:18.680 No, no, of course.

00:40:19.300 That's interesting.

00:40:19.880 I was, I was thinking about electrocuting there.

00:40:21.560 I'm joking.

00:40:22.280 Uh, I'm joking.

00:40:23.420 Okay.

00:40:23.880 In the shop corner, right?

00:40:24.580 Yeah.

00:40:25.220 Okay.

00:40:25.820 None of the taser.

00:40:26.600 No speak.

00:40:28.720 Let's talk about solutions.

00:40:29.920 Let's talk about solutions.

00:40:31.080 These are what's a part of it.

00:40:31.980 I think, that's what everyone was talking about, maybe the symptoms, but the root is that

00:40:35.660 when you have this toxic, no, I'm good.

00:40:39.820 When you have this, like, um, toxic type of attachment to your kinfolk or your children

00:40:46.340 or anybody, it's going to ruin you if it's to the extent, I know it's triggering for

00:40:51.460 the, for females who are thinking of becoming mothers because it's heart corroding.

00:40:55.500 Because it's like, he's my son.

00:40:56.780 He's my son as a father or whatever.

00:40:59.000 But still, it's that little type of thing.

00:41:01.520 Because look, sometimes I believe that we don't fear the day of judgment as we're supposed

00:41:05.960 to, meaning that I can hit my hand like this.

00:41:08.620 This is how the day of judgment will be.

00:41:10.080 Like this.

00:41:10.600 How, how you, however you see some danger in front of you or maybe a stabbing, it's the

00:41:14.500 same way you see the day of judgment.

00:41:16.600 Your mother is not going to be, it's not going to have a lawyer.

00:41:18.620 You're not going to be your mom's lawyer.

00:41:20.240 Uh, uh, your, your mom's not going to act as your lawyer.

00:41:23.460 Period.

00:41:24.680 Sorry to say that, but it's the truth.

00:41:26.680 So you having these boundaries, which are understandable, meaning that a mother is supposed to,

00:41:31.500 you know, nurture her child for generations to come.

00:41:34.660 Meaning, if this, if the first son messes up and to, to be honest, in terms of punishment,

00:41:40.520 I know punishments can be, look, sometimes I got licks.

00:41:44.680 A lot.

00:41:45.380 I used to run away from my licks.

00:41:46.820 I only got one slap in it.

00:41:47.780 Yeah.

00:41:48.060 One.

00:41:48.360 Anything that used to be in my mom's hand, she could throw at me.

00:41:51.500 You understand?

00:41:52.640 Sometimes it works.

00:41:53.680 Sometimes it doesn't work.

00:41:54.720 It works really well.

00:41:55.760 No.

00:41:57.000 No, no, no.

00:41:57.560 My mother is adab, his akhlaat, where he carries himself.

00:42:00.120 But, I mean, I didn't do my nicks, bro.

00:42:01.980 No.

00:42:02.680 The thing is that, no, no.

00:42:04.480 Just because, no, just, no, that's what I'm saying.

00:42:06.560 Hitting doesn't always mean it's going to work.

00:42:09.380 What I mean by this, if you think that you're going to hit your children and they're going to fear Allah because of that,

00:42:14.280 sorry, no.

00:42:15.220 There's been plenty of people who got licks more than me.

00:42:18.160 I know people, I've, to the extent, I never got bruises.

00:42:21.160 But it was that people got bruises more than me.

00:42:23.540 They don't fear Allah.

00:42:24.140 They do anything and everything in the world that comes to them.

00:42:26.340 So, you giving your son or daughter licks or stuff like that, it's not going to cut it.

00:42:31.120 What is that?

00:42:31.680 You need to see, you need to analyze how your child actually ticks.

00:42:35.260 Meaning that not every child is going to tick the same way.

00:42:38.080 Even within your household, well, his mother's the same.

00:42:41.260 All the kids will be saying, no.

00:42:43.580 Even in the same house, every child has his own personality.

00:42:47.080 Allah has created that person with his own risk.

00:42:49.660 And risk doesn't just mean money.

00:42:51.840 It means sustenance.

00:42:52.520 It means your friends.

00:42:53.460 It means your parents, how they treat you as well.

00:42:55.160 So, combating that thing of, you know, just because that's my son or that's my whatever,

00:43:01.320 it does not mean you have every legitimate way of saying, this is what you can say and this is what you can't say.

00:43:06.820 No, as a son, you're supposed to analyze that, you know, I'm getting older now.

00:43:10.440 These are the realities.

00:43:12.180 Parents, alhamdulillah, have good health and, you know, they will die just maybe naturally.

00:43:16.980 May Allah bless you and give you a good ending.

00:43:19.800 And there's a reality where the current situation where a lot, a lot of people, where they're young, millennial,

00:43:25.720 they take care of their parents.

00:43:27.980 And one of the, you know, to contextualize, but I don't think we can contextualize enough,

00:43:31.780 is that the issues is that we don't, so in terms of the late 90s, there was the epidemic of AIDS and stuff like that.

00:43:39.180 And the ummah had to deal with, you know, stuff like that.

00:43:42.340 But now, I believe in 2030, I think half of the population will be suffering from depression.

00:43:47.640 That's a factor that has to be catered to, meaning that a lot of people who are young,

00:43:53.560 can they sustain that long period of time in terms of, you know, being that support for their parents?

00:43:59.740 If you can do it from a place where, you know, I'll dedicate this time, I'll dedicate this time,

00:44:05.100 then that's perfect because every avenue of your life has a haqq and you need to fulfill that to your end.

00:44:12.620 For me personally, if I had a son, that's not my business.

00:44:20.780 That's his father's business.

00:44:22.240 And my business is to teach him, to push him to be mentally tough, to have discipline,

00:44:30.200 to do his bed in the morning, to fast when he gets to a good age.

00:44:34.520 To nurture him.

00:44:35.540 To nurture him, but also to know that I'm his mum, I'm not his girlfriend, I'm not his, I'm not dating him.

00:44:43.940 Yeah, I want to be close with my kids.

00:44:46.940 I have two daughters, I want them to see me like I'm their friend.

00:44:50.100 And so anything they can tell me, you know, I want to be that confidant for my children.

00:44:56.260 However, there's a boundary.

00:44:57.620 So if he was to get married or, and I think it's actually different because I'm going to be a mother-in-law to men, you know?

00:45:05.960 So it's like, I don't know how that dynamic is going to be when my daughter brings a man home to me.

00:45:13.820 Am I going to treat him like my son or, you know, like it's a different,

00:45:18.320 because we always think of mother-in-laws with a daughter or a woman,

00:45:23.180 but we don't really think of it from the other perspective as well.

00:45:27.780 So am I going to be extra grilling to the men that come?

00:45:32.820 Am I going to be extra strict?

00:45:34.700 Like, I don't know how I'm going to be.

00:45:36.120 But I know for a fact that if my daughters were to bring me a man, I would be really looking out for the man's discipline.

00:45:45.400 Is he able to provide for my daughter?

00:45:48.760 I would want that in place before any man just takes my daughter just like that, you know?

00:45:54.740 But yeah, for my son, it would be a very tough time at home.

00:46:02.780 Not tough, it would be love.

00:46:04.340 It would be love, nurture, give him grace.

00:46:06.600 But I would want him to be strong mentally, to prepare.

00:46:09.600 Because the Chinese at the moment, they're not just sitting there just doing la-di-da fairy tales.

00:46:15.420 And the Russians as well, they are teaching their sons to be men.

00:46:19.940 They're also going through the biggest genocide known to mankind, the Chinese and Russia.

00:46:24.580 You can't use that as an example.

00:46:26.320 I think they're too strict and they're not strict enough.

00:46:28.800 I think the Chinese are too strict.

00:46:30.920 But on your point of...

00:46:33.080 But just in regards to the difference between China and the UK, we're basically fairies compared to them.

00:46:40.640 You know, we're zero discipline.

00:46:42.640 Kids are coming out as non-binary at the age of like two, three, this and that.

00:46:45.700 There's no discipline at all in the West.

00:46:47.780 But there is something called too much discipline.

00:46:51.560 So as a kid, I'm sure most Bengalis were, I was beat all the time for no reason.

00:46:56.560 I'd smile too much, they'd beat me.

00:46:58.220 Do you know what I mean?

00:46:58.900 And I think there comes to a point where it's like, Alhamdulillah, I don't like that anymore.

00:47:02.960 But that stays with you to an extent when you start resenting your parents for it.

00:47:06.920 So there needs to be some sort of balance of discipline.

00:47:09.100 To be honest, I don't think I'd ever physically hit my child.

00:47:11.560 Islamically, it's wrong.

00:47:13.060 I think you can hit him on the back or something like that, right?

00:47:16.060 Something like that, but lightly.

00:47:17.020 But I'd never, it hurts me.

00:47:21.380 If I hit my child, I'd be killed.

00:47:23.580 You know, like hitting and slapping your child and belting your child.

00:47:28.560 But in school, in school, in school, it's like, yeah, I'll get mad.

00:47:32.940 Like people like used to like kind of.

00:47:35.620 It was like a coping mechanism to laugh about it.

00:47:38.000 Like, not only laugh about it, but like kind of gloat.

00:47:40.720 Because it's obviously.

00:47:43.200 You do have the exception.

00:47:44.840 But white people are rarely beaten by their parents.

00:47:48.540 I was only ever slapped once.

00:47:50.560 I've never been in touch with my parents.

00:47:52.280 My dad.

00:47:53.720 And a lot of them slap their children.

00:47:55.420 Fair enough.

00:47:55.960 Well, white people.

00:47:57.180 Fair enough.

00:47:57.740 Fair enough.

00:47:58.320 Fair enough.

00:47:58.960 My dad, my dad's a bit different.

00:48:00.380 My dad has given me slaps just to make it a brother cry.

00:48:03.680 But my, my.

00:48:05.780 While sleeping with my dad, she never.

00:48:07.240 She only gave me a slap once.

00:48:08.300 And that's because I wouldn't stop moving in the shell.

00:48:10.260 And I had climbing pain.

00:48:11.280 I wouldn't stop moving.

00:48:12.040 And she said, stop moving.

00:48:13.360 I didn't stop moving.

00:48:13.920 I kept wriggling about it.

00:48:14.780 And she said, stop moving.

00:48:16.360 I just went.

00:48:17.040 I just went stiff.

00:48:17.780 I just went still.

00:48:18.400 And yeah, I stopped moving.

00:48:19.520 And yeah, it worked.

00:48:20.540 But it's.

00:48:21.180 She was.

00:48:21.640 But I just find it.

00:48:22.420 I just find it sad to the point where.

00:48:24.560 If you're being.

00:48:25.140 If you're getting beats for no reason.

00:48:26.760 Yeah.

00:48:27.060 That was the time.

00:48:27.640 Even.

00:48:28.120 Because it wasn't a slap to hurt me.

00:48:30.160 It was a slap to get me.

00:48:30.960 Yeah.

00:48:31.220 That's the difference.

00:48:32.200 And like to fix up.

00:48:33.460 So I just think like.

00:48:35.380 I don't know.

00:48:35.960 I can't remember the reason.

00:48:37.580 I think.

00:48:38.080 Physically hitting the child.

00:48:38.960 Physical violence.

00:48:39.460 It's just not.

00:48:40.380 There's no excuse for it.

00:48:41.880 You can't do it.

00:48:42.740 You shouldn't do it.

00:48:43.100 Forbid us.

00:48:43.820 Yeah.

00:48:44.160 From punishing.

00:48:45.520 You know, disobedient animals.

00:48:47.280 Like, you know, using physical violence on.

00:48:51.060 The disobedient animals.

00:48:53.640 Let alone human beings.

00:48:54.760 And you know, you have to.

00:48:55.420 You have to remember that.

00:48:56.880 That we belong to Allah.

00:48:58.260 Every time.

00:48:59.100 Like, you know.

00:49:00.160 Especially for parents.

00:49:01.080 Like, before you decide.

00:49:02.640 Oh, I'm going to beat this child.

00:49:03.880 Because, you know.

00:49:04.560 I gave birth to this child.

00:49:06.480 Remember that Allah gave you this child.

00:49:08.200 As an amanat.

00:49:09.340 As a, you know.

00:49:09.940 As a gift.

00:49:11.260 And you.

00:49:11.520 And you.

00:49:12.960 You've been placed.

00:49:14.260 As a.

00:49:15.080 To take care of them.

00:49:16.360 So how are you abusing your authority in that?

00:49:18.880 Let me correlate that back to.

00:49:20.800 Mommy's boys, right?

00:49:21.900 So.

00:49:22.520 Let's say your mother and father.

00:49:23.680 They hit their boys all the time, right?

00:49:25.240 That boy's going to go up to fear their parents.

00:49:27.420 And he's going to fear them so much.

00:49:28.900 That he's going to listen to everything they say growing up.

00:49:31.260 So there's a correlation.

00:49:32.240 That's why I don't think.

00:49:33.040 But eventually you need to grow a backbone.

00:49:34.960 No, yeah.

00:49:35.260 But that's what I'm saying.

00:49:35.780 Because someone's going to get beat up so many times.

00:49:39.260 Until, you know, they come to a breaking point.

00:49:41.600 And they're like, you know what?

00:49:42.640 Like, I'm not going to.

00:49:42.940 That doesn't always happen.

00:49:43.940 It doesn't always happen.

00:49:44.860 And let's be honest.

00:49:46.120 We're talking about extremes.

00:49:47.100 If you're hitting your child.

00:49:48.380 Even if it's a little slap.

00:49:50.140 It's wrong.

00:49:50.420 If you think about it, it's violating the child.

00:49:52.800 Say again?

00:49:53.840 You don't think it's wrong hitting the child?

00:49:55.720 It's legal in this country.

00:49:57.200 It's legal.

00:49:58.280 There's loads of things legal.

00:49:59.540 That's horrible.

00:50:00.220 No, I know.

00:50:00.940 But you're allowed to give your child a slap.

00:50:03.520 Yeah.

00:50:03.600 And I think sometimes it's necessary.

00:50:05.860 Yeah.

00:50:06.080 And as a mum now, I'm telling you now, when you become a parent, my, I, please, I really,

00:50:14.860 really, really slap my child, yeah?

00:50:18.120 I like communicating with my child.

00:50:20.620 However, there's been times where I've had to give her a little spank because she was about

00:50:25.580 to cross, run into the road, even though we've spoken about it.

00:50:29.380 So sometimes you have to feel it as well as understanding it because, you know, there's

00:50:34.340 a dangerous situation here and the child is not listening.

00:50:37.980 Sometimes you can give them a little slap.

00:50:40.260 I'm not saying beat your child.

00:50:41.860 The way I got beat is different.

00:50:44.480 But regardless, let's see what Islam says about this.

00:50:46.900 Ali, what does Islam say about hitting your child?

00:50:49.180 To be honest, I don't know.

00:50:50.100 But I don't want to talk about it.

00:50:50.500 You're not allowed to say it in the face.

00:50:52.180 In the face, I know that.

00:50:53.460 Yeah, I don't know.

00:50:55.020 I'm not really versed on this one.

00:50:57.060 I don't know anything that says hit him.

00:50:58.960 I don't know.

00:50:59.920 But the point that I would say is that...

00:51:02.580 Words, yeah, tonalities, everything.

00:51:04.800 Your tone.

00:51:05.580 My children will listen with my tone now.

00:51:07.540 No, you have to, brother.

00:51:08.380 I think even like, there has to be, like, even though Allah says in the Quran when it

00:51:12.420 comes to, like, dealing with your wife, which is a third thing when it comes to, like,

00:51:17.420 it depends how it's understood.

00:51:18.920 Some say it's symbolic.

00:51:20.200 Some say it's like a miswaq when you're disciplining your wife.

00:51:23.240 Yeah.

00:51:23.540 It's more symbolic.

00:51:24.240 It's like that.

00:51:25.400 It can be, for example, if she's becoming violent, etc., that I can restrain her.

00:51:28.960 Okay.

00:51:29.260 Because then it's that you cannot cause bruise, pain, leave a mark, hit the face.

00:51:33.500 Yeah.

00:51:33.900 So restraining, anyone can restrain.

00:51:35.800 The police can restrain.

00:51:36.760 So are we saying that categorically you cannot touch anybody?

00:51:39.520 No.

00:51:39.840 Anyone.

00:51:40.140 Anyone would agree that at one point...

00:51:41.420 No, definitely.

00:51:42.060 Whoever it is for that matter.

00:51:43.100 If it's required, necessity, then, yeah.

00:51:44.980 And you need to understand.

00:51:46.100 All of us...

00:51:47.300 Exactly.

00:51:47.760 And the thing is, how many of us have been through hard tests, what Allah's tested us with?

00:51:51.400 Have we all been through that?

00:51:52.420 I'd say everyone must have been.

00:51:53.840 Does that mean Allah hates us?

00:51:55.820 Okay.

00:51:56.240 So therefore, does that make us a better people?

00:51:59.000 Yeah.

00:51:59.200 Does that make us a better people?

00:52:00.100 There you go.

00:52:00.540 So which shows you what?

00:52:01.880 When we do that, it's not that we dislike our child or we hate them.

00:52:05.360 And we're not talking about beating, by the way.

00:52:06.840 I don't know what people are talking about.

00:52:07.580 I'm not talking about in our bloody boxing match.

00:52:08.560 Yeah.

00:52:08.860 Beating is something completely different.

00:52:10.940 We're talking...

00:52:11.440 That's...

00:52:11.660 Spanking, slapping, the bum.

00:52:14.320 Discipline.

00:52:14.600 That is completely fine.

00:52:16.120 Exactly.

00:52:16.240 I think that is absolutely necessary sometimes, especially with some children.

00:52:20.600 Like, they don't know...

00:52:21.500 No.

00:52:22.220 Absolutely.

00:52:23.780 I'm not going to lie.

00:52:24.680 Like, my mum was super, like...

00:52:26.380 I'd be like...

00:52:27.340 Throwing up.

00:52:27.820 Cross me.

00:52:28.520 I'd be throwing up.

00:52:29.200 I'm getting PTSD right now.

00:52:30.420 She wouldn't stop.

00:52:31.280 She would find, like, every weapon that she could find to, like...

00:52:35.000 I got, like, scissors thrown at me for no reason.

00:52:37.280 That's what I'm saying.

00:52:38.000 But why if it comes to that point?

00:52:40.740 That's not from the Shumna.

00:52:41.820 That's not from the Shumna.

00:52:42.860 Can I just say, as a parent, you need to always exhibit control.

00:52:48.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:52:48.580 And even if that means, like, when disciplining your child, when speaking with your child,

00:52:53.960 communicating your child, you always need to have control.

00:52:56.700 The Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said, in anger, sit down.

00:53:00.480 As a parent, if you feel like you're so angry in that moment, go to another room, sit down for a few seconds.

00:53:07.520 Did the Prophet ever spank a child?

00:53:08.600 And then you come back to your child.

00:53:10.240 Any of the Ummah spank a child?

00:53:11.840 I'm not, I'm just asking generally.

00:53:13.420 I don't need any hadith on that.

00:53:14.580 So, therefore, why should we practice this?

00:53:16.860 For me, the way I see things, the boys today, in this generation, I've spoken about it previously.

00:53:23.920 The reason why a lot of them are running wild in the streets is because they've got a lack of discipline.

00:53:30.560 Yes, exactly.

00:53:30.800 And a lack of slaps.

00:53:32.380 Yes.

00:53:32.540 I'll tell you that for free.

00:53:33.700 And trust me.

00:53:34.080 Because some of them are stabbing women, children, they have no boundaries.

00:53:37.780 I feel threatened, man.

00:53:38.540 And they are literally, have no morals or respect.

00:53:44.160 And it goes to a lack of the father figure.

00:53:45.780 So, I do think, yeah, lack of father figure and a good slap.

00:53:50.500 What's interesting, though, you see all those road men, most of them actually have gone through physical abuse.

00:53:56.640 Some of them have gone through sexual abuse, but this is not in today's generation.

00:53:59.940 No, no, but this is the reason why.

00:54:00.680 You're not even allowed to hit your kids.

00:54:02.260 Like, you're not allowed to beat your kids.

00:54:03.940 This is why they turn out that way.

00:54:05.200 And this is the reason why, because divorce has a massive impact.

00:54:08.300 For example, in single mother households, and I'm not blaming the single mothers, but it shows that they are more likely to end up in prison, more likely to get sexually abused, more likely to fall out in school, etc.

00:54:19.680 So, the thing is, this is so detrimental, and this is why it shows that masculinity, a fatherly figure, is so vital.

00:54:25.240 It's a requirement.

00:54:25.820 It's so important.

00:54:26.620 That's why we talk about the breakdown of the family unit.

00:54:28.900 But just the ending on this note, inshaAllah, is also one thing that we never talk about is that your relationship with Allah, anytime you see a dispute, because these things affect the man as well.

00:54:38.160 When he sees his wife or his mom, etc.

00:54:40.920 Also look at yourself and what sins you're committing, because the Salaf used to say that we would not commit a sin, except that we would see it in our riding beast or beast ball in our wife.

00:54:50.840 Meaning that, how many of us take account?

00:54:53.760 You need to understand something.

00:54:54.720 Like Allah says in the Quran in Surah Yusuf, the wrong reason we're not successful.

00:54:57.980 You need to understand something.

00:54:58.920 My dear brother and sister, you're watching this at home.

00:55:00.940 Your sins have consequences.

00:55:04.060 You're going to see it.

00:55:05.040 The Salaf would say, they would come home, and they see their wife.

00:55:08.680 You know what they'll say?

00:55:10.260 They'll be like, I committed a specific sin here, and it is coming out right in front of me.

00:55:14.700 Yeah?

00:55:15.200 Or in the riding beast.

00:55:16.260 The riding beast is not listening to them, yeah?

00:55:18.160 What sin did I commit?

00:55:19.400 Do you see how they connected their sins to the consequences they're going through?

00:55:23.440 So sometimes you need to look and say, what sin did I commit?

00:55:26.940 Istiqfara.

00:55:27.400 Asking Allah to forgive you, yeah?

00:55:28.860 And wallahi, if you have obedience to Allah, I promise you, Allah will make sure you have obedience in your wife, or vice versa, in your husband, in your mother-in-law.

00:55:37.540 So, these things have a ripple effect.

00:55:40.120 But what do we do?

00:55:40.720 Let's go to a counselor.

00:55:41.920 Let's do this.

00:55:42.420 Have you tried obeying Allah?

00:55:44.020 Have you tried it?

00:55:44.980 Have you tried looking at your sins?

00:55:47.980 You don't do that, and you're like, oh, my mother and my wife are not getting on, or this, that.

00:55:52.600 Have you tried istiqfara?

00:55:53.700 This is what people laugh at this.

00:55:55.660 Oh, brother, istiqfara.

00:55:56.520 Okay.

00:55:56.980 Brother, this is the deen.

00:55:58.900 Have you tried istiqfara?

00:56:00.020 Have you said, oh, Allah, forgive me for my sins?

00:56:01.780 That every time I go out the house, I check out girls, and I'm talking to girls behind my wife's back, yeah?

00:56:05.680 And then you want obedience in your wife, you will see it.

00:56:08.920 When you commit sins outside my brother, or my sister, you will see it in your children, you will see it in your car.

00:56:14.960 But I'm telling you, bro, you will see the consequences of your sin, ripple effects everywhere.

00:56:20.340 The moment you put Allah first, and the moment you start working on yourself, even the little sins, you're like, I don't want to wrong myself, yeah?

00:56:28.800 Wallahi, let me tell you something.

00:56:30.360 This is the solution.

00:56:31.740 Allah has given this Quran and Sunnah.

00:56:34.000 You can listen to me and say, okay, brother Ali, whatever, Quran and Sunnah, here we go again.

00:56:37.560 No problem.

00:56:38.720 Have you ever tried it?

00:56:39.800 You haven't.

00:56:40.440 I dare you to try and write down the sins that you commit, and ask Allah for repentance.

00:56:47.380 Start working on them.

00:56:48.600 Make sure you never miss your salah.

00:56:50.200 Make sure you're giving a sadaqah.

00:56:51.660 Then come and talk to me.

00:56:53.280 I'm telling you, Aki.

00:56:54.740 I know a brother, he says to me, bro, I swear to God, my marriage would have broken down a long time ago from external factors.

00:57:01.480 Wallahi, there's divine, there's something in my marriage keeping us together.

00:57:05.340 And you will look, and it's this brother's actions.

00:57:07.540 What kind of a person he is.

00:57:08.580 Bro, you can get as many shayati, and you can get the evilest mother in law.

00:57:11.720 Allah will take your marriage.

00:57:13.720 As long as you have obedience to Him.

00:57:15.940 And you will see obedience in the creation.

00:57:17.920 And if you show disobedience to Him, you will see it everywhere.

00:57:21.400 And you see it.

00:57:22.280 I see a lot of relationships break down.

00:57:24.760 Yes.

00:57:25.220 When the lack of remembrance of Allah.

00:57:29.120 You see it.

00:57:29.920 You see things start going apart.

00:57:33.420 Exactly, exactly.

00:57:34.540 The closer you get to Allah, I'm telling you, nobody does this.

00:57:37.460 Everybody, he doesn't pray Salah.

00:57:39.220 He doesn't do that.

00:57:40.100 Bro, what kind of blessings you want?

00:57:41.920 The problem is, what does Allah say in the Quran?

00:57:44.640 They don't fast around that.

00:57:45.260 What does Allah say in the Quran?

00:57:46.320 It's your own.

00:57:46.920 Do you think your life is going to be like that?

00:57:48.000 Allah says in the Quran, it's your own hands.

00:57:50.620 That is, bro.

00:57:51.080 Your own hands, bro.

00:57:52.400 How many people take into account?

00:57:54.020 They don't.

00:57:54.620 And you know what they do?

00:57:55.660 I'll tell them, look, I'll give this nasir.

00:57:57.820 They will still go.

00:57:58.760 They've got a marital issue.

00:57:59.940 I will say, bro, do you need Salah?

00:58:01.320 No.

00:58:01.460 That's where you start.

00:58:03.760 You don't give the basic rights of Allah and you're coming here complaining.

00:58:07.280 What's wrong?

00:58:07.860 My wife doesn't listen to me.

00:58:09.020 Bro, you don't even listen to your Lord.

00:58:10.540 You don't even listen to Allah.

00:58:11.700 You have him pray your basic five times a day.

00:58:13.260 He feeds you.

00:58:13.780 He looks after you.

00:58:14.660 And you're complaining.

00:58:15.600 I told my wife not to wear makeup.

00:58:18.440 I said, bro, you deserve that, bro.

00:58:20.040 Look at you, man.

00:58:20.560 The disobedience you do to Allah.

00:58:22.200 And look how it bothers you when you tell her don't wear lipstick.

00:58:24.800 And she says, get lost.

00:58:25.960 You know what?

00:58:26.280 I feel like telling her, you get lost, Wallahi.

00:58:28.140 But I hold myself back.

00:58:29.040 I don't want to say that.

00:58:29.580 But, again, it goes back to brothers and sisters.

00:58:31.480 And I want to end on this note.

00:58:32.860 It's been tiring.

00:58:34.160 But the point is this, guys.

00:58:35.940 Wallahi, your success is in the Quran and the Sunnah.

00:58:38.080 Your success is in the obedience to Allah.

00:58:40.000 Please try it.

00:58:41.000 You try to put it in everything.

00:58:42.700 Counselor, this, that.

00:58:44.320 Try obedience to your Lord.

00:58:46.260 See what it does in your life, inshallah.

00:58:48.060 May Allah bless our only sisters and our brothers, inshallah.

00:58:50.860 Till next time.

00:58:51.700 As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.

00:58:53.240 If you would like to join us as the panel,

00:58:55.560 please get in contact, thebittertruthshow at gmail.com.

00:58:59.880 Good night.

00:59:00.580 As-salamu alaykum.

00:59:01.680 The Prophet, sallallahu alaykum, said,

00:59:03.500 whoever builds a masjid for the sake of Allah,

00:59:06.160 Allah will build for him a similar house in Jannah.

00:59:10.220 On that day where Allah, sallallahu alaykum, tells us

00:59:12.580 that our books will be given

00:59:13.780 and every little atom weight of good deed you've done

00:59:16.960 will be there.

00:59:18.020 And imagine you see a mountain

00:59:19.780 and you're like, what a lucky person.

00:59:21.980 Which righteous person?

00:59:23.160 Allah says, this is for you.

00:59:25.620 For me?

00:59:26.320 Yes.

00:59:26.980 What did I do?

00:59:28.360 You allow people to pray.

00:59:30.080 You built a masjid.

00:59:31.140 I never had the money to build a masjid, oh Allah.

00:59:33.120 You helped.

00:59:34.240 You gave towards it.

00:59:35.220 And Allah gives you the reward of as if you've built it.

00:59:38.180 Donate now, guys.

00:59:39.060 And do not delay.

00:59:40.060 And share the video for extra rewards.

Ali Dawah - January 21, 2024

WIFE VS MOTHER IN-LAW - PICK A SIDE! - EP 21 ｜｜ BITTER TRUTH SHOW

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