In this episode, we talk about when we think it's appropriate to talk about sex with our kids, and why we don't want them to grow up in a sex negative, hardline, conservative religious household. We also talk about the benefits of abstinence-only sex education, and how to talk to your kids about sex in moderation.
00:21:15.180They're like, well, don't you want to be virile?
00:21:18.640I suspect that these people who go out there hunting for virility have never really experienced full-on male sexuality.
00:21:29.000Well, and also just how not only logistically cumbersome it is to have a lot of sex, but also how legally, emotionally, and socially liable it makes you, right?
00:21:43.800So, you know, I look at the first person I had sex with, you know, the first time I had sex with someone, I had gone to this camp that was for nerds.
00:21:49.940It was, you would only get invitations if you had gotten over a certain score on the SATs.
00:21:54.740And before this, or I think it was like an IQ test or something.
00:21:57.720Anyway, before this, I had never really, and it was hosted at Cambridge or Oxford or something like that.
00:22:03.540I had never really done well with women before this moment, but I had just gotten into the period of starting to, like, try to logistically, using online environments, try to understand with, you know, if-then statements.
00:22:16.900Like, I would use, not if-then statements, but I would use chains of text when talking to girls online to learn which chains worked and which chains didn't.
00:22:23.140So, I'd just begun to, like, really formalize this process.
00:22:26.120I get into this environment where I am valued for being nerdy.
00:22:29.500You know, the first party there, I'm hooking up with two girls at the same time behind the party.
00:24:21.520At the time, I thought, and you can even see Trump do this.
00:24:24.340When I say Trumpian, you know, he brags about sleeping with his friend's wives like as an adult, right?
00:24:28.980Like long after he should have known that that was an immoral thing to do and like trying to pressure his friend's wives into sleeping with him.
00:24:37.440And for me, I view this period of when I was super sexually active as a period in which I broke a number of moral codes, which I should have known not to break.
00:24:48.060You know, sleeping with people that were hot, but I didn't respect.
00:24:52.180Sleeping with people that were, no, I never, like, the one thing I was stuck with is I would never hurt their feelings, right?
00:25:50.660Like it was wrong and it was evil and I am trying to, as an adult, learn to like, like, like, not atone for it, but I don't want to go back there.
00:26:01.420Like, I don't want to be like, oh yes, introduce that challenge to me again.
00:26:04.960Yeah, although one way to atone for it, of course, is to raise kids to do better.
00:26:09.160So that is a hope that we have for our kids then.
00:26:12.120I think another thing that I think about a lot is when it comes to corn, aka online ironic material consumption, I do think that it creates a certain lack of understanding of like how these dynamics work.
00:26:32.860And I'm, I'm not even talking about like what people are willing to do.
00:26:37.120I'm talking about what people expect from partners as a default.
00:26:41.180And I think one of the biggest things that I see in terms of people, like problems that people have with sex throughout their lifetimes that we see people post about online a lot is that partners don't feel sufficiently desired.
00:26:52.900And it really, it has nothing to do with like, I don't care if like they're doing wacky stuff in bed or if they have like zero sex lives, a lot of it comes down to like how desired a partner feels.
00:27:02.960And if there's one through line through every single like fetish you'll see in erotic material, like the thing that people almost universally, and of course there are some fetish based like differences here, but like it's almost always based around the person being very into banging you, like the concept there, like enthusiastic interest.
00:27:26.520And I think a big problem that, that both men and women have, especially after being exposed to any form of erotic material, and this is, you know, romance novels for young women or like, you know, manga or like, you know, typical standard, very visual erotic material for men is they just kind of assume that without putting any effort, you're going to end up with a partner who's showing like insane levels of enthusiasm for you.
00:27:51.680And like that, unfortunately that's actually either something that like, unless you're like some kind of Adonis or you're like really rich or famous, which is kind of hard to do, especially when you're just a kid, you have to put a lot of work into getting that kind of interest.
00:28:06.280And I, I don't know how I'm going to approach this with our kids yet, but it is something I want to talk about with you because I, I want kids to understand that like, no, a woman or man is not going to be like insane, like, you know, like cannot control themselves around you.
00:28:22.020I, I, no, I've had that with some girls.
00:28:26.880No, I understand, but, but some people, I assume, I mean, I don't want to say it's an act, but like they know to lean into it.
00:28:32.980Like, I, I think that the better thing to focus on with kids is I think a big problem in our society, basically sex, non-reproductive sex from the perspective of our culture and the way we're teaching our kids is no different from pornography.
00:28:51.520Well, I would say it's, it's probably a little worse because you're more likely to put yourself at physical, logistical, legal, moral risk.
00:28:58.120No, it's just pornography with extra steps.
00:29:14.780Or don't waste a ton of time seeking it out.
00:29:17.540And I think the, one of the core problems in the way our society frames this is it puts, you know, corn in one category, actual sex in one category, and then like reproductive sex in another category.
00:29:28.140And then there's conservative religious groups, which sometimes are like corn and actual sex should go in the same group.
00:29:38.320Whereas we say, no, because they're in the same category, just engage with porn.
00:29:43.880Don't engage with actual sex unless it is moving you towards reproductive sex.
00:29:48.420And even in that case, reproductive sex is largely immoral from our perspective if you can engage in polygenic screening.
00:29:56.760And so, you know, don't overindulge in that either, you know.
00:30:00.600So what this means is I think when you frame things that way, when you're like, look, what you are doing when you are having sex with someone else for pleasure is you're basically using another human being like a flashlight.
00:30:12.520Like, why? Like, you functionally are getting nothing additional out of it other than any hormones that force some sort of a bonding to you.
00:30:22.680And insofar as it's creating hormones that force a bonding to you, then you're using it as a tool to brainwash the other individual, which, okay, yes, learn to use that tool well, but recognize what you're doing.
00:30:34.500And that that is the purpose of sex in those circumstances is not your personal gratification.
00:30:40.480A lady or gentleman with a weaker imagination may just have difficulty getting the same enjoyment from not exactly the real thing.
00:30:51.460Well, I mean, I think that that framing for our kids will work in terms of leading them to understand that sex is a tool that can move them towards their goals.
00:31:02.820But it is a tool that it goals the big one that sex helps with is getting someone to marry you, but the and then have kids.
00:31:10.680Wait, wait. So you think you're more likely to marry someone if you've already had sex as a guy?
00:31:17.260Yeah, as a guy. Yeah, I guess because what you can be sure that you're not sexually incompatible because that's kind of scary.
00:31:23.160No, like I had a, I mean, the way that I, you know, you can get women basically indebted to you, like get them to have a, a supernatural is the wrong word, but I mean, it's, oh, so you're, you're talking about like oxytocin and like hormonal bonding.
00:31:41.160Okay. Utilize that to achieve bonds with people that then you can then utilize to exploit whatever you want to say to better achieve your long-term goals.
00:31:51.220Insofar as you don't hurt them and keep in mind, you know, if there's somebody who's out there going to be having sex anyway, like, how did you ruin all these women?
00:31:59.360After, after the first few, I was like, okay, no, I'm only going to go for the type of girl who I know would otherwise go out there and have sex with people.
00:32:05.480So, so yeah, that's how we're going to engage with sexuality with our kids.
00:32:09.720So I think the question is, what outcome are you aiming for?
00:32:14.140Which, who I think, you know, we love Ayla, really smart person.
00:32:17.240I, I think that the strategy that she has chosen, she's really pioneered it.
00:32:21.660And I think it's shown that even if you are the best at the world at what she does, it's still hard to achieve, find a husband if you take that path.
00:32:29.480And so I wouldn't recommend it for our kids.
00:32:31.420So do you want to take that path or do you want to take our path?
00:32:34.300Our path is extreme and total sexual education, allowing your kids to be exposed to sexual information at a young age, normalize it and treat it as something that you as a parent are engaging them on.
00:32:46.940Or do you extremely restrict sexual content, tell them to restrict masturbation and don't engage them with pornography?