In this episode, we cover the phenomenon of women choosing to become intentionally celibate, and the reason why this might be happening. We also discuss the women who refuse to get married, and why they may not have a point of view.
00:01:49.340So group two and group one, which one do you think refuses to marry?
00:01:52.780And which one do you think is intentionally celibate?
00:01:54.780And if you're looking at the screen here, the number one thing you're going to note about the two groups is one is fairly attractive and one is quite unattractive.
00:02:05.200Wait, which ones are the attractive ones?
00:02:17.360One looks like they have too much makeup on.
00:02:19.980And I guess I have to associate too much makeup with actually doesn't interact with men.
00:02:24.160So then, then the second group with the too much makeup, which you would say is the more attractive group is the intentionally celibate doesn't interact with men group.
00:02:59.780Women wear excessive amounts of makeup for other women, not for themselves.
00:03:03.760And it also for like gender euphoria, which I think is negatively correlated with fertility.
00:03:10.480And, and the other women, specifically for me, the women who are refused to get married, just look like actively unpleasant in a lot of the pictures.
00:04:22.340I asked it to use like not facial expression at all, just based on physiognomy.
00:04:26.820It says, it says she'd probably come across as intelligent, open-minded, intellectual with strong communication abilities and a diplomatic, harmonious approach to life, likely empathetic and tolerant with a logical bent that makes her organized and idealistic.
00:04:43.820But I think if I, if I changed my facial expression, it's going to give a very different response, right?
00:04:54.600Like if I look happy, I think, I think AI is not sophisticated enough to tell the difference between a resting face and the facial expression.
00:16:25.720What are really popular movies that have come out which depict a woman really trying to get married?
00:16:33.480If you look at the modern female journey, like modern hero's journey, it is realize you have trauma, face trauma, overcome trauma.
00:16:44.200And so I think women are, instead of what they used to want, their fairytale ending, right?
00:16:49.820Their fairytale ending now requires the trauma.
00:16:52.380So they invent the trauma, which we pointed out is very easy to do in studies.
00:16:56.780One of my favorite studies on this that we've talked about before shows that people who say that they were abused at kids,
00:17:01.580the amount of abuse that they say that they experienced is correlatory with how much effects that they have from that abuse,
00:17:09.740unlike their daily behavior patterns and everything like that.
00:17:11.800But it is completely uncorrelated with the amount of abuse they actually experienced when that is searched through, you know,
00:17:18.200court records and stuff like that, where we have some evidence of whether or not they were abused or not, which is wild.
00:17:24.460But anyway, so I love that the new hero's journey that they're going down is how do I build my trauma and career and all that.
00:17:30.220Especially when you consider this, these, these general trends in the context of the trend of women choosing to identify online as divorced women,
00:17:40.340that it's like a point of pride in something that they want to identify with.
00:17:45.340So even when you went through the whole process of getting married, then you actually feel enough of a sense of reward and social cachet by very being like being very publicly divorced,
00:17:57.520that you would go on and be, you know, get a divorce ring for yourself, be prominent about it, post online about it, that kind of thing.
00:18:07.640Yeah. So, and I think that she actually understands the point of marriage very well in terms of why she's not doing it.
00:18:12.980I don't think it's a disillusion about the point of marriage.
00:19:09.200Life is a journey, I think, when lived fully away from the I, right?
00:19:14.120Like when you're a kid, it's all about yourself as an individual and the family and the larger family unit often dotes on the you and the I as the individual.
00:19:22.740And then as you grow up, you then take full ownership of yourself without the external support.
00:19:28.100And then you get married and you become a we, and then you have kids and you become sort of the guardian of the family, like even the wider system.
00:19:36.980And then you die and you become a story to your kids, right? And descendants.
00:19:41.520And so it's this constant drift away from the individual and they don't want that.
00:19:45.180And I think that they're making the right choice given what they have been taught to value in life, which is the I.
00:19:50.720But despite knowing they want to spend the rest of their lives together, Ayukul told the post that she had a musician boyfriend who both currently lived in Pittsburgh, but are in no rush to move in together, have been on the no marriage bandwagon for the duration of their relationship.
00:20:07.300Or at least Ross has acquiesced to his partner's choices.
00:20:11.400Marriage appears to be the best when both parties involved really want it and each other, he told the post.
00:20:19.080But it's necessity and significance always dwindle when that is not the case.
00:20:24.620Then if you look at pictures of him, I mean, I don't think he was going to get married anyway.
00:20:27.540But Ayukul explained the conversation that we have around our futures is more about how we see each other's careers and how we see a future together in that sense, which I feel matters more than, okay, do we get engaged and get married?
00:20:40.580And it's interesting that she does feel that this matters more because it's about enhancing their existing identities as atomized units, which we've been drifting to as a society.
00:20:51.040And it didn't happen anymore recently, like faster recently.
00:20:53.900But we point out this didn't happen with, you know, women leaving the household to get jobs.
00:20:57.400It happened with men leaving the household to get jobs.
00:20:59.300And that's when fertility rates started dropping in like 1850s to like 90s, depending on the country that you're in.
00:21:06.080Ayukul said that regardless of how far women have come in society, she feels that once a couple enters a husband and wife territory, it's hard for them to avoid falling into stereotypical gender roles.
00:21:16.520Some men really want a girl who will cook and clean for them.
00:21:19.160So they want to date their mom, question mark.
00:21:21.560I can't even imagine being with somebody who expected those things.
00:21:49.440I mean, I think in the end, I do it because I care more about how it's done, which is how a lot of things work in relationships when they work out organically.
00:21:59.980She goes on to say, the emotional labor women saw their mom's shoulder organizing households, managing everyone's happiness, doesn't look appealing if it's not balanced.
00:22:08.760Nobody wants to lose themselves to unpaid work on somebody else's dreams.
00:22:12.140If marriage is on the table, it's going to be on equal terms without sacrificing selfhood.
00:22:34.660They're talking about unpaid labor, et cetera.
00:22:37.460And what I was really concerned about was losing like a sense of direction that goes beyond being a caretaker for kids.
00:22:49.360And as much as I've taken on the internal house cooking and cleaning and, I mean, at least infant care, you do older kid care, I still very much like we have our work that we do together, you know?
00:23:07.400And I think that's not what women are worried about.
00:23:10.080They're not worried about losing their work.
00:23:11.840They're worried about doing unpaid labor.
00:23:47.560Like, your standard of what is clean is, like, the worst nightmare for me of the dirtiest our house could get if I was, like, on death's door for three months.
00:25:03.500So, other woman here saying, I think we as women, especially millennial women, have been fed this narrative through movies and the media of the girl and the guy getting together.
00:26:09.560I just can't really remember a time when I was consistently happy, comfortable, relaxed, and enjoying life while I was in a relationship or dating.
00:26:19.640There was always a worry, a stress, or an annoyance, or a frustration, and it just never felt as peaceful as if it was just focusing on me.
00:28:52.800I think it's worse than just being okay with who you are.
00:28:57.540It's shirking from even forcing functions that would obligate you naturally to be a better, stronger, more conscientious, caring, empathetic, and moral person.
00:29:10.340Okay, let's go to the second group of women to see what they say and why they're doing it.
00:30:24.440As to why that happens, we've talked about it in more detail in other episodes.
00:30:28.220But if you chase self-acceptance, fulfillment, your own subjective emotions for its own state, you're saying that those are the only things that have value in your life.
00:30:36.020Which means that you are experiencing personally everything that is good about your existence.
00:30:44.180Because your existence is self-referential, right?
00:30:47.520And you will realize pretty quickly how trivial all of those emotions and self-acceptance actually feel unless you fry your brain with, like, hokum and crystals and mysticism, right?
00:31:00.340Yeah, but I think it's not even though, I mean, you're implying that this works and that they are experiencing hedonic pleasure at greater levels.
00:31:08.980Whereas any hedonic pleasure you get that, you know, is excess due to your being single and totally freed up to focus on yourself.
00:31:29.540Happiness changes depending on your context in life.
00:31:33.740So when I say that she is experiencing, let's say, like, more dopaminergic reward pathways than somebody who is dedicating themselves to the family, I mean that in the same way a meth addict lying on the street homeless is experiencing more dopaminergic reward pathways.
00:31:47.480Don't you think we are, like, constantly getting hit by dopamine when our kids do hilarious stuff and make us laugh and do sweet things and make us cry on the inside of happiness?
00:32:47.980Yeah, I mean, and that was, it's this latter lifestyle that I was personally going for before I met you and everything got derailed because I discovered meaning in life through you.
00:33:19.380Okay, so now we're going to go to the next article.
00:33:21.860Meet the young single women going celibate, but not for the reason you'd expect.
00:33:27.920And then it has to start with the title.
00:33:31.400Many of them find it incredibly hard, which is interesting because, like, just everyone used to live this way.
00:33:36.920And you'll see that this is, you see it from the title.
00:33:39.340Donna Zargami, 29, spent a, quote, unquote, good chunk of her 20s being celibate.
00:33:45.280Now, I find that sentence ridiculous in a historic context.
00:33:53.260The idea that an unmarried woman spent a good chunk of her 20s not sleeping around is, would be considered the sluttiest thing you could imagine if you go back, let's just say, 50 years ago, right?
00:34:08.220You're not supposed to be sleeping around in your 20s.
00:34:11.440You stay celibate, you get married, then you have a family.
00:35:06.000I'm not here to judge, but at the same time, hooking up ruins the part where when you actually find the person you want to spend your, the rest of your life with, it takes away from that special intimate moment that you have with them, end quote.
00:35:20.280Now, I find that to be really fascinating.
00:35:23.060So basically, they're taking this perspective.
00:35:24.820I think actually what I'm seeing, and the reason I thought these women were more attractive is, is they're just younger.
00:35:34.420So the previous generation isn't going for marriage because they were raised on this sort of mantra of self-actualization, self-involvement, be a career woman.
00:35:43.080And this generation was raised during the era of pickup apps.
00:35:48.040And they're just like, these are terrible and create a terrible environment.
00:36:15.880She admitted to the post, adding that sleeping with someone you are newly seeing, quote, clouds your judgment on how you really feel about the person.
00:36:26.240Zangami is among the slew of Gen Z and millennial women who are fueling America's unprecedented sex recession as they seem to be fine with it.
00:36:38.240The core difference between these two groups is this group isn't sleeping around because what they really want is a marriage and a dedicated partner.
00:36:50.160And they don't feel they're getting that from hookup culture.
00:36:52.680Now, as to why they're not getting that from hookup culture, it's because you've got the, you know, problem where less than 1% of women are sleeping right on the average man, right?
00:37:00.360Like, they are definitionally all going after the same few guys, which rewards those guys for bad behavior where they don't really value their relationships, which then creates the perception in these women that men don't really value relationships and treat them poorly.
00:37:13.700And then you get this, you know, horrible cycle here.
00:37:18.320Like when I look at men in this generation, when I look at the, you know, subreddit we have where it's, it's a lot of gender related stuff.
00:37:25.220You know, so many of them talk about how hard it is dating as a non-white man, which I can totally hear, or how tall it is dating as a short guy.
00:56:20.580What I'd really like to try with the pesto is the way that we've done the pesto historically is fine, but it's not that good compared to, like, what I would get at a restaurant.
00:56:31.800Basically, we cook up the pasta, and then we just mix in pesto sauce and cook it a bit more.