The 1 Time a Year I Am Allowed to be Honest With My Wife
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
175.96849
Summary
In this episode, I talk about how we celebrate anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays with our family and how we do it the right way. I also talk about why I don't allow my wife to praise me on social media and why I'm not allowed to do it.
Transcript
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i'm not done oh god don't do this to me which means i have an excuse to talk about how amazing
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she is oh boy she has a strict rule against me gushing about her online under normal circumstances
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i genuinely believe my wife is a penultimate manifestation of the human condition
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it is simply impossible for her to be better than she already is she works without expectation of
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praise or reward so long as it benefits our long-term goals after all these years she is still
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genuinely surprised when i voice my appreciation for her contributions the other day i wanted to
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get her a treat so she could relax for half an hour and she requested a pedicure which i later learned
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she requested so she could keep typing will you marry me
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would you like to know more can i start with a like public service announcement slash rant
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yes okay i've frequently heard about drama in couples resulting from someone forgetting someone
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else's birthday or the couple's anniversary or some important date when this like one of the
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partners expected to be celebrated or given a gift or something of that sort and the other partner
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typically because they had much better things to do or just honestly they don't personally value that
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you know just didn't didn't do the thing and i always found that to be really odd because if you
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want something then you have to do it that's your responsibility so either partners have to say
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okay here's a really important thing you i expect you to throw me a surprise party like okay it takes
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the romance out of it whatever right but like if that's what you want you need to freaking communicate
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it you know what i mean obviously there's some spouses who just like doing stuff like that and they
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may do it and it all works out you don't have to ask them but like if this is not natural to a
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partner you have to do it and i love the way we do it can i describe how we do okay please we well
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okay i i do all the logistics in the family so i just keep everything in my calendar and i will just
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tell malcolm and typically we won't do anything like our anniversary just was on monday two days ago
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and i was just like oh it's our anniversary today and we talked about it a little bit but we didn't
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get each other gifts or cards or flowers or anything because we have better shit to do
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we're very busy we're trying to save the world here people there's a lot of rafters chasing us
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we don't have time for flowers morning you were commenting we went to trader joe's and you were
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like why are there always people buying flowers at trader joe's like who can afford this romantic
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expense yeah every time we go to trader joe's someone is buying flowers and i do not get it i mean
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obviously there's a bouquet of flowers behind me but i picked that with the kids out in our yard
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because you romantically malcolm planted flowers you did the whole thing of don't don't catch a fish
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for a man teach him to fish and you just plant i planted daffodils all over our property i got
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like a giant sack of them it's like it was like 50 or something so uh yeah i've been free flowers
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daffodils everywhere all over the place but what we do is is i for major holidays birthdays and or the
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things like christmas or future day i will just i create a budget and i have everyone pays exactly
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the same amount and i buy the gifts so when your birthday rolls around i buy you gifts and then when
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my birthday rolls around i buy myself gifts from you which you pay for from your discretionary income
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but in exactly the same monetary amount as your gifts so no one ever spends more than anyone else
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the same goes for our children each child gets gifts in exactly the same monetary amount you and
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i get christmas gifts and exactly the same monetary amount we budget for various people in our lives
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who we want to send gifts to we have a budget for that every month and that's it and and it's like i
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handle it because i'm the one who kind of enjoys that more and watches the calendar more and that's
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fine and it actually is really fun because then you also seem to really enjoy seeing what you got me
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because it's a surprise and i really like what i got me because i know i like it so everyone wins
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and i'm just saying i love this there's a lot of people who like follow the pronatalist movement
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and they're like i am so afraid of you guys breaking up because it would be such a damaging
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thing to the movement some people have talked to me about this and it's actually you know i understand
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the fear i see a lot of our friend group is is going through divorces and stuff like that these days
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and i say this all with the caveat that i'm about to undertake the one thing i'm not allowed to do when
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our marriage i'm pretty much allowed to do whatever i want but only on anniversaries do i really get an
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excuse to unequivocally praise my wife oh i thought you were going to say you're allowed to do everything
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you want except you're not allowed to get fat per our fat class oh well that's that's true i don't
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it was like oh my god i want to do and so you know facebook recommends old posts and recently it's been
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recommending my one day a year when i'm allowed to praise my wife on our anniversary of of you know how
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long have we been together now 12 years 12 years the one day a year when i'm allowed to praise my
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wife uh all these gushy posts i've posted about her and i am going to read them to you and she is
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going to comment on them and you are going to see i remember we got one comment that was like malcolm
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i'm really concerned that you are being too nice to simone these days and and praising her too much
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and she's not praising you as much and this is now going to make the problem get so out of hand
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because that is not okay i heard actually that love languages were widely denounced and largely don't
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actually make sense that everyone just likes expressions of love equally and it doesn't matter
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but my love language is not saying i love you it's not buying gifts it is through doing work for you
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that is meaningful and making your life materially easier and then when people watch our podcast
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they don't see everything that i do so they think that i'm this heartless refrigerator mom oh just
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like your mom did who's incapable of love no no my mom said that well simone being autistic is incapable
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of love but i'm sure you can find it through your kids and i'm like i don't think that's how autism
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works but okay well apparently youtube thinks that too though youtube thinks i you know and i'm just not
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good at it i am going to start with something that you say to me because it's not just like being the
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perfect woman it is that you make me a better man and you are always pushing me towards who i want to be
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so this is a whatsapp conversation i'm going to put on the screen that i screenshot it go back to the
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pueblo club and network seriously no more whining and i say the wife i need then simone says i love
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you and i want the world for you so i'm not gonna let stupid shit stop you including your own stupid
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human emotions for which i had zero respect i respect you your intellect your vision and your
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potential not your emotions i love you so much now go network make an impression on high potential
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people and for the love of god also have some fun this is now people are really gonna think i'm the
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worst wife ever no that is an amazing every guy wants that voice no they are dressing out at a
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networking event or something like that and everyone there's a bigger deal than them or you know
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somebody challenges them or insults them and they want to like you you are the voice in every
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man's head that he needs i love and respect you but i don't love and respect your weak emotions
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get in there and do your shit um i actually feel like that's a more traditional and common wife
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view than you might expect well here's something that you said about me because you were afraid that
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i wouldn't say anything that you had said to me oh do you want me to read a post you read about me here
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okay yes you know that scene in the gladiator in which maximus finally quote-unquote comes home
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if you know he actually died to his spoiler alert hello the gladiator like screw you it's an amazing
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movie you deserve to have it spoiled because you haven't seen it you bastards to his wife and child
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in the countryside malcolm collins makes every day feel like that scene i can't understand how malcolm
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succeeds in making family life so idyllic while also inspiring us to reach so high and dream so big
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he is willing to fight the most daunting battles while simultaneously demonstrating the capacity
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to fully enjoy perfect simple moments i could not dream of a better father for my children
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happy father's day malcolm that is totally how i feel and it's i mean it's such a romantic feeling
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but at the same time it's also a terrifying i think i might have died feeling because it's yeah you
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included this with a scene of like me playing in our our field with the kids because you know we live
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next to a state park and so it's just like this endless field and the kids they're all running in it
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yeah it's well i mean come on cut to the gladiator scene hand over the wheat you know
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just yeah oh have i been brutally killed because i think maybe yeah watching the scene
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again really highlights for me how sort of sick both the progressive idea that i'm not going to
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have kids and i'm going to stop the great game of civilization because my life is marginally harder
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than the life of my parents when you consider how brutally hard people lived in the past and what
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their conception of heaven was and on top of that this idea of the progressive heaven where like you
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get as much pleasure as you want whenever you want it when historically that would have been seen as
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obviously not the goal heaven was to create a life with a family on a farm and that they will never
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experience these emotions and that in many ways they have created their own hell which they live in
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every day on earth people who live for pleasure can never find peace okay so here's a piece from me that
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i wrote this was this was around christmas time one of the years a while back my wife simone found a
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stocking for when i was a kid now every morning when we wake up she throws a big fit about how blitzen
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has broken into our house and hid more presents in it for me often complaining that we need to move to a
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safer neighborhood usually the gift is some sort of unique specialty food from another country that only i
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would like this last morning it was ghost peppered flavored chips a tier wifing i really need to up
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my husband game with some equally in some equally creative way but how but isn't that more of a sweet
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thing about your mom because your mom bought that stocking in the first place saved it and then gave it
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no you this is why you're such a good wife you don't even take credit for how amazing you are but and
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then she introduced to me through her amazing christmas traditions which you know i we didn't
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do this in my household the the christmas pantheon where gifts were not just given from santa but from
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frosty the snowman and the various i was gonna say unicorns santa's various reindeer and that all came
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from her so that's your mom you can't even take credit i love it this is why you're so amazing okay
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i'll read another one this one is after the autism diagnosis after learning more about my wife's recent
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autism diagnosis i've realized common traits associated with autism in women are things that
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any nerdy guy would want in a wife less likely to get emotional likes a rigid routine is not interested
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in indulgent socializing isn't suspicious of others intentions exhibits a quote-unquote overly logical
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approach to life has a closer than normal attachment to closest friends their partner has an intense
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focus on weird interesting topics etc i wrote a book on relationships and now it seems like part of my
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secret to having a satisfying relationship without drama was being married to an autistic woman also what
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simone didn't share in the post in the below post this was the post where you talk about your diagnosis
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during the diagnosis they gave her an iq test that she took at the end of the day on a friday
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while feeding and changing an infant so hardly ideal conditions and scored higher than 99.7 of the
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population simone you are like shockingly smart i think you know very well from living with me on a day-to-day
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basis i mean remember last night where i insisted that there were waffles in the freezer and they
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were not because i left them on the table because my brain doesn't work but yeah i i'm so glad that you
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are not many people can deal with autistic partners and many people complain bitterly about autistic
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partners and you are the first person i have met actually who frames having an autistic partner
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as being a benefit everyone else i think men should only source autistic partners we need to make all
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our daughters autistic because that is the type of woman that men want these days i tell you what
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high quality men what's what's on to me though actually is is truly where i hear people complain
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about autistic partners is typically women because they feel i don't know like they're not emotionally
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validated enough or something of that sort but then when i i've been watching for the first time to wind
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down and fail to sleep each night the original pride and prejudice tv show and i've read the books too
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and i've seen other movies but i didn't realize until watching it now a la us watching batman that
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the lead romantic male in this book and in these shows and movies is mr darcy he's almost certainly
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autistic he is a very socially awkward he is very systematic about what he does like he just shows all
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sorts of weird autistic traits and i think women may be more into autistic guys than they want to admit
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but there's this feeling of social license to instead use a spouse's known or expected autism as a source of
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complaint and you are so amazing and that you can see people's what one what one group will see as a
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shortcoming you will see it as an amazing asset and something that you really really love and i think
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that's amazing about you it's one thing one thing that's my brother we did one day where we went
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around and listed the things that we appreciate about other family members that were unique about them
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and he's like malcolm somehow you always end up loving wherever you are whatever choices you've made in
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life yeah wherever you are is the best place that's ever been when we were in peru you you insisted that
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peru is the best lima is the best city ever in terms of the combination of cost of living plus
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the quality of what you've got with the money you spent and the food scene and the environment and
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then you move here to pennsylvania you know what though you never thought that florida was okay
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no florida was always garbage i know when i'm living in a trash pile
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i thought that was fine dingleberry yeah poor poor florida okay okay okay okay okay now i'm actually
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here going to go one that i just found when i was searching through our facebook history that i love
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so much that people believed this so i'm gonna put a picture on screen and people need some context for
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this oh this is a a thing that we had to do or we had to weigh our child oh no no i think it had more
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to do with his total mass or something i can't remember whatever but i i realized that it looked like it could
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be like a freezing pot okay so i go you know what i'm gonna make a face post
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a facebook post implying that and a lot of people actually believed we were doing this
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to like a infant not like like a newborn kid not like like an embryo or something okay
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you know actually i think it was fat content because i saw it done again
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on one of those like fast food nation style documentaries yeah
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having octavian with us this last month has been a lot of fun but after talking about it
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simone and i decided that having a child around was mildly inconvenient so we snapped a few final
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instagram pics and took him back to the lab to have him put in a pot and frozen we plan to pick him
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up again in a few years when we have some more time to dedicate to his social media feeds we understand
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infant freezing is a delicate issue these days but i hope through posting about it we are seen as
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the heroes i know we are it is a great way to get all the affirmation that comes with having a child
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without having to worry about the effects a child can have on your career
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moreover despite what you may have heard there is absolutely no proof freezing pods cause discomfort
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most freeze inc tm technicians agree the wild screaming is merely reflexive
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this is also a bit of a takeoff of late stage abortions and stuff like that like third trimester
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abortions you can see the kid screaming and everything like that like this shit should not be legal
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and yet people are like oh yeah sure but i i thought i just love how many people were like
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malcolm i am not sure that i haven't seen the science around this malcolm but i think that this might
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actually be harming your child or like i don't know if the thawing process is going to work as well
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as you think it's going so really people i i oh yeah a number of people totally believed this
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i'm looking at the photos that i have on google photos now of octavian and there yeah it really
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looks like a freezing no people really believed it they were like whoa i thought i was being so
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transparent in the piece about like selfish instagram parents i don't know if you've heard about the
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parents who like adopted kids oh and then sent them back because they couldn't post about them on
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social media yeah they're like well i was adopting kids for you know photo reasons yeah it is wild that
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people will like adopt children for social media posts they're like okay i need an ethically diverse
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child and i need him to be very low effort this is for social media and then i'm concerned how do
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these people often have bigger social media followings than us i think they start young and they're really
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uh yeah i think yeah i think they just spent more time honestly we really didn't start until after we
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didn't have to worry about money that much anymore but like we still worry about money obviously still
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i mean functionally you get what i mean yeah okay now i'm gonna do the post that you've been dreading
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today has been seven years since i met simone so this was five years ago that this came up
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oh gosh which means i have an excuse to talk about how amazing she is oh boy she has a strict rule
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against me gushing about her online under normal circumstances
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i genuinely believe my wife is a penultimate manifestation of the human condition
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it is simply impossible for her to be better than she already is she approaches life with a
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methodical mastery giving her the ability to extract every valuable moment for example every morning she
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exercises for three hours on an elliptical she modified so she could type from it to ensure she is always
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fit but never lets it get in the way of productivity in the same vein she keeps a file of all the new
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experimental psychology studies that come out and sends me summaries of any she feels were well
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conducted not only keeping her mind sharp but also helping me keep up with her her work ethic is super
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human i can't even conceive of a person being able to work at full capacity for as long as she does on a
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regular basis even better she works without expectation of praise or reward so long as it
00:21:17.220
benefits our long-term goals after all these years she is still genuinely surprised when i voice my
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appreciation for her contributions the other day i wanted to get her a treat so she could relax for
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half an hour and she requested a pedicure which i later learned she requested so she could keep typing
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that's so that's so you come on she is one of the only small handful of people i would ever consider
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as smart or smarter than myself in the few small domains i consider myself an expert was in but more
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than that she has more emotional self-control than any human i have met by a significant margin i genuinely
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can't remember ever having seen her get mad she has complete mastery over her emotional state while still
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being capable of feeling and indulging in emotions when it is productive i cannot think of a single
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physical feature of hers i would change if given the choice and she is one of those rare instances of a
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person who has become more attractive as they age so she doesn't have the emotional hang-ups of someone
00:22:24.780
who grew up super hot but seriously compare her early facebook pictures with her modern ones this is
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striking actually recently you sent me a picture and just so our audience knows this you were like
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oh i look so old i look like the crap i look awful why haven't you told me i have ozempic face but i don't
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have ozempic why why is this happening you look like the perfect farmer's wife look you you you may not
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look like a teen anymore i agree with that but you look the perfect iteration of what a mom should look
00:22:57.840
like you you look hard working and and stern and frugal and with with a high amount of austerity
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it's just all conveyed by your faith this emotional control and i love it well i think this is more
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indicative of i'm not done oh god don't do this to me her minimalist frugality combined with terminator
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like drive to her goals without allowing herself to indulge in emotions forces me to better myself
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when i reflect on how short i always fall in contrast she approaches her goals with dispassionate
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computer-like logic never caring what others think of her or what society programmed her to care about
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she defines her goals then executes on them with ruthless efficiency and without distraction
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i have never heard her once distressed over another person's perception of her which is a cause of
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some consternation to me because i regularly fail to control the impulse to quote unquote show up
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people who thought i would fail in another facebook comment recently i was reminded of something she
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told me once she once that shook me one day i asked her how she managed to always work at full
00:24:20.860
capacity and never succumb to the desire for trivial frivolities she explained that she believes the
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continuity of consciousness was an illusion created by the way humans contextualize something that changes
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incrementally over a long period of time as being the same thing an illusion our ancestors likely evolved
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to more easily relate to the world as it is a useful way to textualize objects to her the reality
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the entity was that she was about to cease existing the entity that was at that point in time could only
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exist for a few brief moments and she needed to make those moments matter rather than spending her only
00:25:02.380
chance to exist masturbating a shallow emotional pathway how can a person with such self-control exist for
00:25:10.860
decades she has been living an existence in which every moment she was alive was lovingly crafted to be the
00:25:18.460
perfect sacrifice to the incremental march of humanity how can a person live life like that how could a
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person with such self-control in such lucidity display such constant admiration of a wacko like me
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another time i remember asking her why she would open a pocket watch i bought her and set it in front of her
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while she worked she explained to me it reminded her how little time she had left to live a life worthy of me
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well worthy of my ideals she always reminds me that is not me she loves but rather what i stand for
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how do i live up to such lucid dedication this perfection is beginning to become a problem for me
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given that she regularly makes it clear that my core value to her is that i help simone improve as a
00:26:08.780
person yet there is so little left for her to improve how could she be better seven years from
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today than she is now and somehow despite her incandescence she still regularly expresses affection
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and admiration for me having these thoughts expressed to you so genuinely by someone who is so clearly
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flawless is devastating and reminds me how far i have to go to live up to the example she sets i guess what i am
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trying to say is even though she is too humble to admit it my wife needs to become the iron-fisted
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empress of a world-spanning empire with vast cloning blocks slowly replacing a species unworthy of her
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transcendence with iterations of her well i guess we are kind of aiming for that with our kids but even
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better because why clone when you can combine with someone you love as deeply as we love each other
00:27:03.420
but i want to hear your your thoughts on this seven years ago i wrote years ago five years ago i
00:27:10.220
wrote how could you keep improving genuinely have you kept improving have you improved over the last
00:27:15.260
five years or has it been steady state i think you've improved dramatically i actually think you've
00:27:21.020
improved more over the past five years than you improved in the first seven
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but i have a long way to go i what i think about when i hear you read that post is the value in couples
00:27:39.820
who have complementary skill sets because when you marry someone who can do all the things that you do
00:27:46.860
then they seem so much less interesting and valuable and powerful and all the things that you think are
00:27:54.060
so remarkable about my work ethic and frugality whatever it may be are just natural traits that i
00:28:02.940
don't work at whereas the thing with goes with you're naturally perfect is what you're saying no i'm
00:28:09.580
naturally incapable of relaxing you're naturally so her family was okies during the dust bowl and they
00:28:18.060
stayed in oklahoma they were not one of the people who left they left after that period that is the the
00:28:25.100
mindset i see in you this absolute steadfastness and and just i'm marching forwards but then you
00:28:32.940
also have this hope for the future that is just so overwhelming and inspiring
00:28:38.700
yeah but all of it i feel the same way about you i feel the same way about your vision and ability
00:28:44.540
to see things that i could never comprehend your ability to across domains make sense of things and
00:28:51.900
make connections that i would never think to to make that you can look at an issue that thousands
00:28:56.620
of people have looked at and have a fresh take on it and come to a new conclusion and contribute to
00:29:02.780
domains that you you know previously know nothing about and then you look at all the academic
00:29:08.220
literature you look at everything that people are saying in books and on youtube and in public
00:29:12.940
discourse and in the political sphere and then come up with a totally new take and i i just i so deeply
00:29:19.900
admire that you it's very uncommon to come across someone as learned as you are who doesn't just
00:29:26.700
regurgitate other people's ideas if that makes sense so you have both the understanding the history and
00:29:33.020
the background which a lot of very educated people have but you also have those really creative hot
00:29:38.460
takes and interesting remixes which typically more uneducated people have because once they become too
00:29:43.340
educated they just get trained to regurgitate other people's philosophies and ideas and i can't do that
00:29:49.260
i can't do that i can't be creative like you are i can't not just drudge away at things in a way that
00:29:56.060
would allow me to be more creative and to think in in very disruptive ways what's so special about
00:30:02.140
you from a perspective of a husband is you come and you're like oh we both bring different things to
00:30:06.460
the table like i just do all the work and you're the strategy guy everybody wants to be the strategy
00:30:11.740
guy simone no everybody wants that do you think most women actually just want to work for someone they
00:30:17.980
respect probably i mean i i think that they're averages i think that women are much more likely to be
00:30:23.340
very good repetitive work style people workhorse style people like i am and that men are much more
00:30:30.300
likely to be and we've talked about this as probably like an evolutionary basis here i mean this the
00:30:35.260
testosterone that that men have at higher levels and women is much more likely to make them take big
00:30:41.660
risks and do things that could lead to absolutely nothing or death and could lead to really really big
00:30:47.500
payouts whereas women are much more likely to cluster at the center of the bell curve to not really
00:30:53.180
be outliers to not be exceptionally dumb or exceptionally smart but just kind of to trudge
00:30:57.740
away in a very consistent fashion so i do think that on average men and women are more like that
00:31:03.340
but what i do see in modern society is people moving in a more atomized direction where men are expected
00:31:10.300
to be a little bit more like women women are expected to be a little bit more like men
00:31:14.300
and then they end up just bringing the same thing to the relationship no wonder we see more
00:31:19.500
couples breaking up we're seeing people our age reaching their divorce era because they both bring
00:31:26.540
something either very similar to the table or they just don't really see what the other person can do
00:31:30.700
or bring in bring to their lives that they couldn't themselves bring or buy so i'm really glad that
00:31:39.260
i'm naturally comfortable and good with things that you would struggle to do on your own and vice versa
00:31:45.820
because it makes us deeply in love with each other and appreciative of the things that we do on each
00:31:50.380
other yeah yeah i love i love to see this idea of codependency right as being right thing it's like no
00:31:56.620
i'm definitely codependent on my wife i could not emotionally exist without you anymore i completely rely
00:32:02.460
on you i am completely leaning against you we are back to back against a hostile world and i don't
00:32:08.860
protect my back at all if you turned around and stabbed me i wouldn't see it coming yeah well except
00:32:15.420
probably you would because you can actually model people and i i wouldn't because there have been
00:32:19.980
multiple times where you've tried to surprise me with things and been utterly successful despite many
00:32:25.820
close i was so one time when i really had to lie to her a lot was when i had the engagement ring and
00:32:31.740
i was hiding it so that she wouldn't find it she lacks a single suspicious bone in her body but the
00:32:39.340
things that we had to do to get this engagement ring to her were just so so so obvious like it wasn't
00:32:47.820
obvious to me at all it was my brother gave me a sock at a meal that we had to like go through a parade
00:32:55.100
to get so like remember it was like incredibly hard to meet him for this meal yeah and i'm carrying a
00:33:00.860
like a single sock back to the car why why was i doing that i don't know you freaking leave i was
00:33:07.100
like this is very consistent you you leave clothes all over the place it wouldn't surprise me at all
00:33:12.460
that you might have left a sock at their place so i just assumed he was returning your sock there was
00:33:18.860
nothing weird about that to me i think you guys were way more subtle about it than than you and then
00:33:23.500
you want to wash the sock and i grabbed it from you all of a sudden like like angry and then hit
00:33:29.740
it in like a bin i don't know if you remember i remember all of this like all around your
00:33:35.580
engagement ring before i proposed oh god imagine if i like washed it and the ring got lost in the
00:33:41.340
wash i'm glad i didn't oh or the day when i was going to propose to you when i did all these nice
00:33:45.820
things oh that's true day extra nice and i couldn't afford back then i got you a massage but i couldn't
00:33:53.500
afford a massage for both of us so i sat in the car while she was getting a massage that day
00:33:57.900
and you didn't think anything of it you're like really confused that whole day you were like well
00:34:02.140
no we have to get your favorite food and then i'm gonna take you to a massage and i'm like okay you're
00:34:07.020
coming in too and you're like no i'm going to be out just outside just the whole time and i was really
00:34:13.740
freaking confused i was so freaking confused that entire day so it's like oh well let's just skip this
00:34:18.860
you know let's just do you know whatever and you're like no we have to do this but yeah i i legit never
00:34:25.580
thought that it was gonna we'll see if we can find the old uh proposal video oh because a lot of
00:34:33.020
people don't know i actually proposed to her before the reddit thing will you marry me
00:34:47.580
yes i will marry you malcolm collins it could be the shiny thing it is mine now
00:35:12.060
oh my god it's the shiny thing i've ever seen look at how perfect it is oh it's so much it's so much more
00:35:32.300
i'm gonna marry you and i'm gonna have a shiny thing on my hand oh my god
00:35:48.860
mom do you see this do you see this oh you just kept surprising me today with ridiculous things
00:35:59.500
i was like i i don't i don't know if i can handle this i don't know if i can
00:36:05.180
yeah because i wanted a private proposal and i wanted no you didn't want to pray you you were okay
00:36:09.660
with the reddit one but like obviously you'd have to be absolutely stupid to propose to someone you
00:36:15.900
didn't know the answer to in a public context after i knew that i would get a yes and that had
00:36:22.700
already been emotionally handled because to not know her answer when you're proposing in a public
00:36:27.580
context is to publicly blackmail her it's emotionally a shitty thing to do it's like proposing to
00:36:33.100
someone in a stadium or something like that like yeah don't do that unless you know it's okay to do that
00:36:38.700
after you have proposed in private and you know what they think and blah blah blah right like but
00:36:44.540
don't what yeah anyway gotta be careful i i'm just really glad that i met you i was saying to you
00:36:54.060
the other night because we've both been thinking about our anniversary a lot that i i talk a lot
00:36:58.860
about how malcolm has made my dreams come true like even arbitrary stupid stuff that isn't related to our
00:37:03.420
goals like i always wanted to live in a beautiful martha stewart style farmhouse and now we do and i always
00:37:10.540
wanted to have chickens that laid blue eggs and now i do and it's all because of malcolm your dreams
00:37:16.300
were remarkably easy to fulfill by the way blue eggs i thought were impossible like for normal people
00:37:22.300
and well i guess they were not normal but for non insanely wealthy people and i i also loved this one
00:37:29.420
fictional character named case pollard from one of my favorite william gibson books and then someone
00:37:35.820
described as being like her and that was like a dream come true and all this newspaper article
00:37:44.380
written about us she was described as being like this obscure character that she always told me she
00:37:48.620
had based her life around and wanting to be like her i wanted to be like her and i was yeah and like
00:37:52.940
you've you've made all this possible and i always tell malcolm about this like i just can't believe you've
00:37:57.980
made this possible our lives are so amazing but then i don't tell him about the fact that i'm just so
00:38:02.940
thrilled to be with him because i didn't really dream about that as a kid but it's not because i
00:38:08.060
didn't want it it's because i thought that someone as amazing as him who could also possibly deign to
00:38:15.100
even find me tolerable to look at would ever exist on this planet and the fact that you do i'm still
00:38:22.300
you know you know it's a good couple when you feel like you've so we never posted the video of who
00:38:27.660
got the better deal because it was too harsh on our followers which is like you deserve not finding
00:38:34.140
a partner if you don't have one but i i actually want you know in the comments who got the better
00:38:40.540
deal and and one thing i'd remind you in contextualization here i clearly got the better
00:38:44.860
deal guys clearly you know how loving you just solve his loving facebook posts i will provide a
00:38:50.300
few pieces of context here okay i don't think you're allowed to praise me anymore you have to let the
00:38:54.380
audience decide for themselves i no no no when i met simone she was a 22 year old virgin and had
00:39:00.540
only kissed one person 24 24 20 sorry 24 that significantly rises your value in terms of like
00:39:07.020
a marriage prospect that makes it hard to find someone like you among some when you met me i was
00:39:11.660
a guy who had previously slept around a ton but wasn't doing it anymore what had a undergraduate degree
00:39:18.380
from saint andrews and a graduate degree an nba from stanford you had a undergraduate degree from
00:39:25.420
gw where you graduated valedictorian but still it's not that good of school you hadn't gone to
00:39:28.860
cambridge yet you hadn't gotten your graduate degree yet yeah you were a better deal obviously i did
00:39:33.900
and i was a student at the well at the nba program in stanford you were way out of my league
00:39:41.660
and i'll post pictures of us at that time period so people can see who's who's at who's league
00:39:46.780
but who has bamboozled who i think you i think you have been bamboozled that's not true i mean i i i
00:39:56.940
but i do know that i provide like a shit ton of financial value because i i handle our finances
00:40:02.940
payments travel i clean all the interior of the house every week i just ate children which is really
00:40:09.260
expensive if you're going to pay for it separately so i know that financially jesse what would you what
00:40:15.100
would you if you were going to leave me who would you leave me for nobody nobody my stand again my
00:40:21.100
plan was to live alone forever because someone as amazing as you someone who i actually would want
00:40:27.260
to even consider dating not not just marry but like even consider dating could not have possibly existed
00:40:35.980
period like there were times when people had crushes on me when i was younger and you know they
00:40:41.820
would kind of even insinuate that we could possibly be together and it would make me sick to my stomach
00:40:46.300
the very idea that that someone else would associate if you would send her love letters and she would
00:40:51.260
put them in the sink and then pour lighter fluid on them and light it on fire it was the only way
00:40:55.820
to cleanse myself of the great discomfort so i mean my i was very happy to be alone forever i was very
00:41:03.580
reconciled to it and then obviously if if you had not existed or i never had met you or you had married
00:41:08.940
someone else i definitely would still be alone like just i i know like i have no question right
00:41:16.780
i know i was you were so scared that would happen when you met me i was well because you're too
00:41:23.500
tempting and i probably would but that would really suck for me so to all the side chicks out there
00:41:30.220
really sorry but also i can understand how you get in that position and i yeah i would definitely be
00:41:35.900
alone if anything were to happen to you but that's not possible because if you do die i will revive you
00:41:41.660
and then kill you because you're not allowed to die i would definitely never marry again it's not
00:41:47.820
there's there's no just i hate people oh you would you would i hope you would marry again for
00:41:51.580
the sake of our kids no dude they're gonna be fine with me well am i allowed to remarry again if you die
00:41:59.500
obviously you're gonna remarry because you need someone to do all the admin and
00:42:02.300
shit but you have to like i said marry someone who loves the kids and who the kids love like you
00:42:08.220
when you marry again you are marrying for the kids you are not marrying for yourself period
00:42:15.660
obviously there's there's four of them and one of me okay yeah so you already have yourself duplicated
00:42:23.020
once you know you have a one two whole malcolms two whole malcolms and our kids get precedence over
00:42:30.060
you the original the og so yeah you are 100 percent when she dies she won't even let me marry for
00:42:39.420
sex i feel like i was yeah not free well because also you should probably marry someone and and you
00:42:45.900
know you should be allowed to sleep with whoever you want in addition to being married to them but
00:42:49.980
there was oh god you're so i love you you are some historical couple where the wife was dying
00:42:58.780
and she insisted that her husband that she approve of whatever her husband would marry
00:43:05.900
so he found someone before she died and she gave her approval which i'd never heard of before but that
00:43:12.140
is like actually really sweet and i bet it would you know make things easier for the
00:43:16.540
the second wife because she knew that this was a fully endorsed marriage and also like we've met
00:43:23.420
people who've lost their wives and who just will never shut up about them and they're like dating
00:43:27.580
other women right you know they're dating really great people but they won't shut up about their dead
00:43:33.260
wife and i think that it's super important that you like let that bring you let go i don't know i'll
00:43:40.940
ever be able to you're amazing so don't die that's the key yeah well as long as you don't die i won't
00:43:50.060
die if you don't die well actually no we can't have both of us die at the same time a suicide pack
00:43:56.060
no because our kids need someone so i don't know all i know is i really really love you and i'm so glad
00:44:04.140
that i met you and from the moment i met you i knew my life was going to change forever and it did
00:44:08.780
and what do you mean by that like you met me and you were like oh he's it was like i mean it was a
00:44:16.620
mixture of probably a lot of different hormones but there was definitely a lot of adrenaline in
00:44:20.140
there because i just you were so so different and you were so what i always dreamed could exist
00:44:27.900
as a person but i couldn't like okay once when i was in college i had this really stupid web comic
00:44:35.260
that hopefully is completely scrubbed from the web and it completely fell apart because i tried to
00:44:40.860
write up a romantic arc because obviously the female protagonist in this stupid comic was probably
00:44:46.380
some kind of write-in for myself and then as soon as is this this write-in for myself character in the
00:44:53.500
web comic encounters what is supposed to be her love interest i just couldn't i couldn't articulate what
00:45:03.580
i lacked the creativity to describe someone as amazing as you love interest had did he you basically
00:45:13.260
but i didn't know how to draw or write or describe you because you're just too amazing and transformative
00:45:18.540
and you're definitely not human you're more than that and i i could i might i literally lacked the
00:45:24.860
creativity and mental capacity to imagine someone as amazing as you and then so of course when i meet you
00:45:31.100
on our first date how could i not be like overwhelmed with adrenaline and just completely overtaken by
00:45:38.300
the fact that you exist and the only reason i didn't completely go insane for you was because i
00:45:43.260
was also very convinced that you would never stay with me that i would never be a serious
00:45:50.140
prospect for you because you were so profoundly out of my league and everyone i think in the comments
00:45:54.380
will agree that you are i mean look you do all the podcast editing you do most of the interesting
00:46:01.100
talking i just say like oh i'm i agree or like what about and i don't think our audience will see
00:46:08.700
it that way they'll be like simone is bringing the heat she is no fire that fuels all your ideas well
00:46:15.660
prepare to be humble but also please stay married to me because that's important so audience please also
00:46:20.780
tell him too i love you to death oh and audience for those who are watching and who've made it through
00:46:26.140
this incredibly cringe fest and i'm sorry and malcolm you know that the rules you're not allowed to talk
00:46:30.540
about me so i don't know i don't know what you're doing well it was two days ago i don't know maybe
00:46:36.220
you missed your chance maybe this is well you know what it's not in the marriage contract though so
00:46:40.780
technically you're allowed to do whatever you want right it's not the contract yeah you gotta put it
00:46:44.460
in the contract no gushing over me in public but what we would also really appreciate it if you
00:46:49.420
have made it through this cringe fest is if you would like and subscribe on youtube and or because
00:46:56.300
this is entirely impossible to us go to the apple podcast page on your phone and leave us a five