The 1 Time a Year I Am Allowed to be Honest With My Wife
Episode Stats
Words per minute
175.96849
Harmful content
Misogyny
35
sentences flagged
Toxicity
37
sentences flagged
Hate speech
16
sentences flagged
Summary
In this episode, I talk about how we celebrate anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays with our family and how we do it the right way. I also talk about why I don't allow my wife to praise me on social media and why I'm not allowed to do it.
Transcript
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i'm not done oh god don't do this to me which means i have an excuse to talk about how amazing
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she is oh boy she has a strict rule against me gushing about her online under normal circumstances
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i genuinely believe my wife is a penultimate manifestation of the human condition
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it is simply impossible for her to be better than she already is she works without expectation of
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praise or reward so long as it benefits our long-term goals after all these years she is still
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genuinely surprised when i voice my appreciation for her contributions the other day i wanted to
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get her a treat so she could relax for half an hour and she requested a pedicure which i later learned
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she requested so she could keep typing will you marry me
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would you like to know more can i start with a like public service announcement slash rant
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yes okay i've frequently heard about drama in couples resulting from someone forgetting someone
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else's birthday or the couple's anniversary or some important date when this like one of the
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partners expected to be celebrated or given a gift or something of that sort and the other partner
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typically because they had much better things to do or just honestly they don't personally value that
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you know just didn't didn't do the thing and i always found that to be really odd because if you
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want something then you have to do it that's your responsibility so either partners have to say
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okay here's a really important thing you i expect you to throw me a surprise party like okay it takes
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the romance out of it whatever right but like if that's what you want you need to freaking communicate
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it you know what i mean obviously there's some spouses who just like doing stuff like that and they
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may do it and it all works out you don't have to ask them but like if this is not natural to a
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partner you have to do it and i love the way we do it can i describe how we do okay please we well
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okay i i do all the logistics in the family so i just keep everything in my calendar and i will just
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tell malcolm and typically we won't do anything like our anniversary just was on monday two days ago
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and i was just like oh it's our anniversary today and we talked about it a little bit but we didn't
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get each other gifts or cards or flowers or anything because we have better shit to do
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we're very busy we're trying to save the world here people there's a lot of rafters chasing us
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we don't have time for flowers morning you were commenting we went to trader joe's and you were
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like why are there always people buying flowers at trader joe's like who can afford this romantic
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expense yeah every time we go to trader joe's someone is buying flowers and i do not get it i mean
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obviously there's a bouquet of flowers behind me but i picked that with the kids out in our yard
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because you romantically malcolm planted flowers you did the whole thing of don't don't catch a fish
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for a man teach him to fish and you just plant i planted daffodils all over our property i got
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like a giant sack of them it's like it was like 50 or something so uh yeah i've been free flowers
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daffodils everywhere all over the place but what we do is is i for major holidays birthdays and or the
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things like christmas or future day i will just i create a budget and i have everyone pays exactly
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the same amount and i buy the gifts so when your birthday rolls around i buy you gifts and then when
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my birthday rolls around i buy myself gifts from you which you pay for from your discretionary income
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but in exactly the same monetary amount as your gifts so no one ever spends more than anyone else
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the same goes for our children each child gets gifts in exactly the same monetary amount you and
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i get christmas gifts and exactly the same monetary amount we budget for various people in our lives
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who we want to send gifts to we have a budget for that every month and that's it and and it's like i
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handle it because i'm the one who kind of enjoys that more and watches the calendar more and that's
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fine and it actually is really fun because then you also seem to really enjoy seeing what you got me
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because it's a surprise and i really like what i got me because i know i like it so everyone wins
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and i'm just saying i love this there's a lot of people who like follow the pronatalist movement
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and they're like i am so afraid of you guys breaking up because it would be such a damaging
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thing to the movement some people have talked to me about this and it's actually you know i understand
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the fear i see a lot of our friend group is is going through divorces and stuff like that these days
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and i say this all with the caveat that i'm about to undertake the one thing i'm not allowed to do when
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our marriage i'm pretty much allowed to do whatever i want but only on anniversaries do i really get an
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excuse to unequivocally praise my wife oh i thought you were going to say you're allowed to do everything
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you want except you're not allowed to get fat per our fat class oh well that's that's true i don't
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it was like oh my god i want to do and so you know facebook recommends old posts and recently it's been
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recommending my one day a year when i'm allowed to praise my wife on our anniversary of of you know how
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long have we been together now 12 years 12 years the one day a year when i'm allowed to praise my
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wife uh all these gushy posts i've posted about her and i am going to read them to you and she is
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going to comment on them and you are going to see i remember we got one comment that was like malcolm
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i'm really concerned that you are being too nice to simone these days and and praising her too much
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and she's not praising you as much and this is now going to make the problem get so out of hand
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because that is not okay i heard actually that love languages were widely denounced and largely don't
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actually make sense that everyone just likes expressions of love equally and it doesn't matter
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but my love language is not saying i love you it's not buying gifts it is through doing work for you
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that is meaningful and making your life materially easier and then when people watch our podcast
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they don't see everything that i do so they think that i'm this heartless refrigerator mom oh just
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like your mom did who's incapable of love no no my mom said that well simone being autistic is incapable
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of love but i'm sure you can find it through your kids and i'm like i don't think that's how autism
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works but okay well apparently youtube thinks that too though youtube thinks i you know and i'm just not
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good at it i am going to start with something that you say to me because it's not just like being the
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perfect woman it is that you make me a better man and you are always pushing me towards who i want to be
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so this is a whatsapp conversation i'm going to put on the screen that i screenshot it go back to the
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pueblo club and network seriously no more whining and i say the wife i need then simone says i love
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you and i want the world for you so i'm not gonna let stupid shit stop you including your own stupid
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human emotions for which i had zero respect i respect you your intellect your vision and your
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potential not your emotions i love you so much now go network make an impression on high potential
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people and for the love of god also have some fun this is now people are really gonna think i'm the
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worst wife ever no that is an amazing every guy wants that voice no they are dressing out at a
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networking event or something like that and everyone there's a bigger deal than them or you know
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somebody challenges them or insults them and they want to like you you are the voice in every
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man's head that he needs i love and respect you but i don't love and respect your weak emotions
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get in there and do your shit um i actually feel like that's a more traditional and common wife
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view than you might expect well here's something that you said about me because you were afraid that
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i wouldn't say anything that you had said to me oh do you want me to read a post you read about me here
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okay yes you know that scene in the gladiator in which maximus finally quote-unquote comes home
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if you know he actually died to his spoiler alert hello the gladiator like screw you it's an amazing
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movie you deserve to have it spoiled because you haven't seen it you bastards to his wife and child
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in the countryside malcolm collins makes every day feel like that scene i can't understand how malcolm
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succeeds in making family life so idyllic while also inspiring us to reach so high and dream so big
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he is willing to fight the most daunting battles while simultaneously demonstrating the capacity
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to fully enjoy perfect simple moments i could not dream of a better father for my children
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happy father's day malcolm that is totally how i feel and it's i mean it's such a romantic feeling
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but at the same time it's also a terrifying i think i might have died feeling because it's yeah you
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included this with a scene of like me playing in our our field with the kids because you know we live
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next to a state park and so it's just like this endless field and the kids they're all running in it
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yeah it's well i mean come on cut to the gladiator scene hand over the wheat you know
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just yeah oh have i been brutally killed because i think maybe yeah watching the scene
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again really highlights for me how sort of sick both the progressive idea that i'm not going to
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have kids and i'm going to stop the great game of civilization because my life is marginally harder
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than the life of my parents when you consider how brutally hard people lived in the past and what
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their conception of heaven was and on top of that this idea of the progressive heaven where like you
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get as much pleasure as you want whenever you want it when historically that would have been seen as
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obviously not the goal heaven was to create a life with a family on a farm and that they will never
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experience these emotions and that in many ways they have created their own hell which they live in
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every day on earth people who live for pleasure can never find peace okay so here's a piece from me that
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i wrote this was this was around christmas time one of the years a while back my wife simone found a
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stocking for when i was a kid now every morning when we wake up she throws a big fit about how blitzen
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has broken into our house and hid more presents in it for me often complaining that we need to move to a
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safer neighborhood usually the gift is some sort of unique specialty food from another country that only i
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would like this last morning it was ghost peppered flavored chips a tier wifing i really need to up
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my husband game with some equally in some equally creative way but how but isn't that more of a sweet
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thing about your mom because your mom bought that stocking in the first place saved it and then gave it
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no you this is why you're such a good wife you don't even take credit for how amazing you are but and
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then she introduced to me through her amazing christmas traditions which you know i we didn't
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do this in my household the the christmas pantheon where gifts were not just given from santa but from
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frosty the snowman and the various i was gonna say unicorns santa's various reindeer and that all came
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from her so that's your mom you can't even take credit i love it this is why you're so amazing okay
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i'll read another one this one is after the autism diagnosis after learning more about my wife's recent
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autism diagnosis i've realized common traits associated with autism in women are things that
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any nerdy guy would want in a wife less likely to get emotional likes a rigid routine is not interested
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in indulgent socializing isn't suspicious of others intentions exhibits a quote-unquote overly logical
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approach to life has a closer than normal attachment to closest friends their partner has an intense
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focus on weird interesting topics etc i wrote a book on relationships and now it seems like part of my
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secret to having a satisfying relationship without drama was being married to an autistic woman also what
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simone didn't share in the post in the below post this was the post where you talk about your diagnosis
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during the diagnosis they gave her an iq test that she took at the end of the day on a friday
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while feeding and changing an infant so hardly ideal conditions and scored higher than 99.7 of the
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population simone you are like shockingly smart i think you know very well from living with me on a day-to-day
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basis i mean remember last night where i insisted that there were waffles in the freezer and they
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were not because i left them on the table because my brain doesn't work but yeah i i'm so glad that you
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are not many people can deal with autistic partners and many people complain bitterly about autistic
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partners and you are the first person i have met actually who frames having an autistic partner
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as being a benefit everyone else i think men should only source autistic partners we need to make all
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our daughters autistic because that is the type of woman that men want these days i tell you what
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high quality men what's what's on to me though actually is is truly where i hear people complain
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about autistic partners is typically women because they feel i don't know like they're not emotionally
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validated enough or something of that sort but then when i i've been watching for the first time to wind
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down and fail to sleep each night the original pride and prejudice tv show and i've read the books too
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and i've seen other movies but i didn't realize until watching it now a la us watching batman that
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the lead romantic male in this book and in these shows and movies is mr darcy he's almost certainly
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autistic he is a very socially awkward he is very systematic about what he does like he just shows all
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sorts of weird autistic traits and i think women may be more into autistic guys than they want to admit
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but there's this feeling of social license to instead use a spouse's known or expected autism as a source of
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complaint and you are so amazing and that you can see people's what one what one group will see as a
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shortcoming you will see it as an amazing asset and something that you really really love and i think
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that's amazing about you it's one thing one thing that's my brother we did one day where we went
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around and listed the things that we appreciate about other family members that were unique about them
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and he's like malcolm somehow you always end up loving wherever you are whatever choices you've made in
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life yeah wherever you are is the best place that's ever been when we were in peru you you insisted that
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peru is the best lima is the best city ever in terms of the combination of cost of living plus
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the quality of what you've got with the money you spent and the food scene and the environment and
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then you move here to pennsylvania you know what though you never thought that florida was okay
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no florida was always garbage i know when i'm living in a trash pile
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i thought that was fine dingleberry yeah poor poor florida okay okay okay okay okay now i'm actually
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here going to go one that i just found when i was searching through our facebook history that i love
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so much that people believed this so i'm gonna put a picture on screen and people need some context for
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this oh this is a a thing that we had to do or we had to weigh our child oh no no i think it had more
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to do with his total mass or something i can't remember whatever but i i realized that it looked like it could
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be like a freezing pot okay so i go you know what i'm gonna make a face post
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a facebook post implying that and a lot of people actually believed we were doing this
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to like a infant not like like a newborn kid not like like an embryo or something okay
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you know actually i think it was fat content because i saw it done again
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on one of those like fast food nation style documentaries yeah
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having octavian with us this last month has been a lot of fun but after talking about it
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simone and i decided that having a child around was mildly inconvenient so we snapped a few final
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instagram pics and took him back to the lab to have him put in a pot and frozen we plan to pick him
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up again in a few years when we have some more time to dedicate to his social media feeds we understand
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infant freezing is a delicate issue these days but i hope through posting about it we are seen as
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the heroes i know we are it is a great way to get all the affirmation that comes with having a child
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without having to worry about the effects a child can have on your career
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moreover despite what you may have heard there is absolutely no proof freezing pods cause discomfort
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most freeze inc tm technicians agree the wild screaming is merely reflexive
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this is also a bit of a takeoff of late stage abortions and stuff like that like third trimester
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abortions you can see the kid screaming and everything like that like this shit should not be legal
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and yet people are like oh yeah sure but i i thought i just love how many people were like
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malcolm i am not sure that i haven't seen the science around this malcolm but i think that this might
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actually be harming your child or like i don't know if the thawing process is going to work as well
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as you think it's going so really people i i oh yeah a number of people totally believed this
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i'm looking at the photos that i have on google photos now of octavian and there yeah it really
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looks like a freezing no people really believed it they were like whoa i thought i was being so
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transparent in the piece about like selfish instagram parents i don't know if you've heard about the
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parents who like adopted kids oh and then sent them back because they couldn't post about them on
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social media yeah they're like well i was adopting kids for you know photo reasons yeah it is wild that
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people will like adopt children for social media posts they're like okay i need an ethically diverse
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child and i need him to be very low effort this is for social media and then i'm concerned how do
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these people often have bigger social media followings than us i think they start young and they're really
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uh yeah i think yeah i think they just spent more time honestly we really didn't start until after we
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didn't have to worry about money that much anymore but like we still worry about money obviously still
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i mean functionally you get what i mean yeah okay now i'm gonna do the post that you've been dreading
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today has been seven years since i met simone so this was five years ago that this came up
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oh gosh which means i have an excuse to talk about how amazing she is oh boy she has a strict rule
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against me gushing about her online under normal circumstances
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i genuinely believe my wife is a penultimate manifestation of the human condition
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it is simply impossible for her to be better than she already is she approaches life with a
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methodical mastery giving her the ability to extract every valuable moment for example every morning she
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exercises for three hours on an elliptical she modified so she could type from it to ensure she is always
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fit but never lets it get in the way of productivity in the same vein she keeps a file of all the new
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experimental psychology studies that come out and sends me summaries of any she feels were well
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conducted not only keeping her mind sharp but also helping me keep up with her her work ethic is super
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human i can't even conceive of a person being able to work at full capacity for as long as she does on a
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regular basis even better she works without expectation of praise or reward so long as it
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benefits our long-term goals after all these years she is still genuinely surprised when i voice my
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appreciation for her contributions the other day i wanted to get her a treat so she could relax for
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half an hour and she requested a pedicure which i later learned she requested so she could keep typing
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that's so that's so you come on she is one of the only small handful of people i would ever consider
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as smart or smarter than myself in the few small domains i consider myself an expert was in but more
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than that she has more emotional self-control than any human i have met by a significant margin i genuinely
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can't remember ever having seen her get mad she has complete mastery over her emotional state while still
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being capable of feeling and indulging in emotions when it is productive i cannot think of a single
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physical feature of hers i would change if given the choice and she is one of those rare instances of a
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person who has become more attractive as they age so she doesn't have the emotional hang-ups of someone
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who grew up super hot but seriously compare her early facebook pictures with her modern ones this is
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striking actually recently you sent me a picture and just so our audience knows this you were like
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oh i look so old i look like the crap i look awful why haven't you told me i have ozempic face but i don't
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have ozempic why why is this happening you look like the perfect farmer's wife look you you you may not
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look like a teen anymore i agree with that but you look the perfect iteration of what a mom should look
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like you you look hard working and and stern and frugal and with with a high amount of austerity
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it's just all conveyed by your faith this emotional control and i love it well i think this is more
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indicative of i'm not done oh god don't do this to me her minimalist frugality combined with terminator
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like drive to her goals without allowing herself to indulge in emotions forces me to better myself
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when i reflect on how short i always fall in contrast she approaches her goals with dispassionate
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computer-like logic never caring what others think of her or what society programmed her to care about
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she defines her goals then executes on them with ruthless efficiency and without distraction
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i have never heard her once distressed over another person's perception of her which is a cause of
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some consternation to me because i regularly fail to control the impulse to quote unquote show up
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people who thought i would fail in another facebook comment recently i was reminded of something she
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told me once she once that shook me one day i asked her how she managed to always work at full
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capacity and never succumb to the desire for trivial frivolities she explained that she believes the
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continuity of consciousness was an illusion created by the way humans contextualize something that changes
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incrementally over a long period of time as being the same thing an illusion our ancestors likely evolved
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to more easily relate to the world as it is a useful way to textualize objects to her the reality
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the entity was that she was about to cease existing the entity that was at that point in time could only
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exist for a few brief moments and she needed to make those moments matter rather than spending her only
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chance to exist masturbating a shallow emotional pathway how can a person with such self-control exist for
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decades she has been living an existence in which every moment she was alive was lovingly crafted to be the
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perfect sacrifice to the incremental march of humanity how can a person live life like that how could a
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person with such self-control in such lucidity display such constant admiration of a wacko like me
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another time i remember asking her why she would open a pocket watch i bought her and set it in front of her
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while she worked she explained to me it reminded her how little time she had left to live a life worthy of me
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well worthy of my ideals she always reminds me that is not me she loves but rather what i stand for
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how do i live up to such lucid dedication this perfection is beginning to become a problem for me
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given that she regularly makes it clear that my core value to her is that i help simone improve as a
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person yet there is so little left for her to improve how could she be better seven years from
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today than she is now and somehow despite her incandescence she still regularly expresses affection
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and admiration for me having these thoughts expressed to you so genuinely by someone who is so clearly
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flawless is devastating and reminds me how far i have to go to live up to the example she sets i guess what i am
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trying to say is even though she is too humble to admit it my wife needs to become the iron-fisted
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empress of a world-spanning empire with vast cloning blocks slowly replacing a species unworthy of her
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transcendence with iterations of her well i guess we are kind of aiming for that with our kids but even
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better because why clone when you can combine with someone you love as deeply as we love each other
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but i want to hear your your thoughts on this seven years ago i wrote years ago five years ago i
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wrote how could you keep improving genuinely have you kept improving have you improved over the last
00:27:15.260
five years or has it been steady state i think you've improved dramatically i actually think you've
00:27:21.020
improved more over the past five years than you improved in the first seven
00:27:28.700
but i have a long way to go i what i think about when i hear you read that post is the value in couples
00:27:39.820
who have complementary skill sets because when you marry someone who can do all the things that you do
00:27:46.860
then they seem so much less interesting and valuable and powerful and all the things that you think are
00:27:54.060
so remarkable about my work ethic and frugality whatever it may be are just natural traits that i
00:28:02.940
don't work at whereas the thing with goes with you're naturally perfect is what you're saying no i'm
00:28:09.580
naturally incapable of relaxing you're naturally so her family was okies during the dust bowl and they
00:28:18.060
stayed in oklahoma they were not one of the people who left they left after that period that is the the
00:28:25.100
mindset i see in you this absolute steadfastness and and just i'm marching forwards but then you
00:28:32.940
also have this hope for the future that is just so overwhelming and inspiring
00:28:38.700
yeah but all of it i feel the same way about you i feel the same way about your vision and ability
00:28:44.540
to see things that i could never comprehend your ability to across domains make sense of things and
00:28:51.900
make connections that i would never think to to make that you can look at an issue that thousands
00:28:56.620
of people have looked at and have a fresh take on it and come to a new conclusion and contribute to
00:29:02.780
domains that you you know previously know nothing about and then you look at all the academic
00:29:08.220
literature you look at everything that people are saying in books and on youtube and in public
00:29:12.940
discourse and in the political sphere and then come up with a totally new take and i i just i so deeply
00:29:19.900
admire that you it's very uncommon to come across someone as learned as you are who doesn't just
00:29:26.700
regurgitate other people's ideas if that makes sense so you have both the understanding the history and
00:29:33.020
the background which a lot of very educated people have but you also have those really creative hot
00:29:38.460
takes and interesting remixes which typically more uneducated people have because once they become too
00:29:43.340
educated they just get trained to regurgitate other people's philosophies and ideas and i can't do that
00:29:49.260
i can't do that i can't be creative like you are i can't not just drudge away at things in a way that
00:29:56.060
would allow me to be more creative and to think in in very disruptive ways what's so special about
00:30:02.140
you from a perspective of a husband is you come and you're like oh we both bring different things to
00:30:06.460
the table like i just do all the work and you're the strategy guy everybody wants to be the strategy
00:30:11.740
guy simone no everybody wants that do you think most women actually just want to work for someone they
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respect probably i mean i i think that they're averages i think that women are much more likely to be
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very good repetitive work style people workhorse style people like i am and that men are much more
00:30:30.300
likely to be and we've talked about this as probably like an evolutionary basis here i mean this the
00:30:35.260
testosterone that that men have at higher levels and women is much more likely to make them take big
00:30:41.660
risks and do things that could lead to absolutely nothing or death and could lead to really really big
00:30:47.500
payouts whereas women are much more likely to cluster at the center of the bell curve to not really
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be outliers to not be exceptionally dumb or exceptionally smart but just kind of to trudge
00:30:57.740
away in a very consistent fashion so i do think that on average men and women are more like that
00:31:03.340
but what i do see in modern society is people moving in a more atomized direction where men are expected
00:31:10.300
to be a little bit more like women women are expected to be a little bit more like men
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and then they end up just bringing the same thing to the relationship no wonder we see more
00:31:19.500
couples breaking up we're seeing people our age reaching their divorce era because they both bring
00:31:26.540
something either very similar to the table or they just don't really see what the other person can do
00:31:30.700
or bring in bring to their lives that they couldn't themselves bring or buy so i'm really glad that
00:31:39.260
i'm naturally comfortable and good with things that you would struggle to do on your own and vice versa
00:31:45.820
because it makes us deeply in love with each other and appreciative of the things that we do on each
00:31:50.380
other yeah yeah i love i love to see this idea of codependency right as being right thing it's like no
00:31:56.620
i'm definitely codependent on my wife i could not emotionally exist without you anymore i completely rely
00:32:02.460
on you i am completely leaning against you we are back to back against a hostile world and i don't
00:32:08.860
protect my back at all if you turned around and stabbed me i wouldn't see it coming yeah well except
00:32:15.420
probably you would because you can actually model people and i i wouldn't because there have been
00:32:19.980
multiple times where you've tried to surprise me with things and been utterly successful despite many
00:32:25.820
close i was so one time when i really had to lie to her a lot was when i had the engagement ring and
00:32:31.740
i was hiding it so that she wouldn't find it she lacks a single suspicious bone in her body but the
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things that we had to do to get this engagement ring to her were just so so so obvious like it wasn't
00:32:47.820
obvious to me at all it was my brother gave me a sock at a meal that we had to like go through a parade
00:32:55.100
to get so like remember it was like incredibly hard to meet him for this meal yeah and i'm carrying a
00:33:00.860
like a single sock back to the car why why was i doing that i don't know you freaking leave i was
00:33:07.100
like this is very consistent you you leave clothes all over the place it wouldn't surprise me at all
00:33:12.460
that you might have left a sock at their place so i just assumed he was returning your sock there was
00:33:18.860
nothing weird about that to me i think you guys were way more subtle about it than than you and then
00:33:23.500
you want to wash the sock and i grabbed it from you all of a sudden like like angry and then hit
00:33:29.740
it in like a bin i don't know if you remember i remember all of this like all around your
00:33:35.580
engagement ring before i proposed oh god imagine if i like washed it and the ring got lost in the
00:33:41.340
wash i'm glad i didn't oh or the day when i was going to propose to you when i did all these nice
00:33:45.820
things oh that's true day extra nice and i couldn't afford back then i got you a massage but i couldn't
00:33:53.500
afford a massage for both of us so i sat in the car while she was getting a massage that day
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and you didn't think anything of it you're like really confused that whole day you were like well
00:34:02.140
no we have to get your favorite food and then i'm gonna take you to a massage and i'm like okay you're
00:34:07.020
coming in too and you're like no i'm going to be out just outside just the whole time and i was really
00:34:13.740
freaking confused i was so freaking confused that entire day so it's like oh well let's just skip this
00:34:18.860
you know let's just do you know whatever and you're like no we have to do this but yeah i i legit never
00:34:25.580
thought that it was gonna we'll see if we can find the old uh proposal video oh because a lot of
00:34:33.020
people don't know i actually proposed to her before the reddit thing will you marry me
00:34:47.580
yes i will marry you malcolm collins it could be the shiny thing it is mine now
00:35:12.060
oh my god it's the shiny thing i've ever seen look at how perfect it is oh it's so much it's so much more
00:35:32.300
i'm gonna marry you and i'm gonna have a shiny thing on my hand oh my god
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mom do you see this do you see this oh you just kept surprising me today with ridiculous things
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i was like i i don't i don't know if i can handle this i don't know if i can
00:36:05.180
yeah because i wanted a private proposal and i wanted no you didn't want to pray you you were okay
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with the reddit one but like obviously you'd have to be absolutely stupid to propose to someone you
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didn't know the answer to in a public context after i knew that i would get a yes and that had
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already been emotionally handled because to not know her answer when you're proposing in a public
00:36:27.580
context is to publicly blackmail her it's emotionally a shitty thing to do it's like proposing to
00:36:33.100
someone in a stadium or something like that like yeah don't do that unless you know it's okay to do that
00:36:38.700
after you have proposed in private and you know what they think and blah blah blah right like but
00:36:44.540
don't what yeah anyway gotta be careful i i'm just really glad that i met you i was saying to you
00:36:54.060
the other night because we've both been thinking about our anniversary a lot that i i talk a lot
00:36:58.860
about how malcolm has made my dreams come true like even arbitrary stupid stuff that isn't related to our
00:37:03.420
goals like i always wanted to live in a beautiful martha stewart style farmhouse and now we do and i always
00:37:10.540
wanted to have chickens that laid blue eggs and now i do and it's all because of malcolm your dreams
00:37:16.300
were remarkably easy to fulfill by the way blue eggs i thought were impossible like for normal people
00:37:22.300
and well i guess they were not normal but for non insanely wealthy people and i i also loved this one
00:37:29.420
fictional character named case pollard from one of my favorite william gibson books and then someone
00:37:35.820
described as being like her and that was like a dream come true and all this newspaper article
00:37:44.380
written about us she was described as being like this obscure character that she always told me she
00:37:48.620
had based her life around and wanting to be like her i wanted to be like her and i was yeah and like
00:37:52.940
you've you've made all this possible and i always tell malcolm about this like i just can't believe you've
00:37:57.980
made this possible our lives are so amazing but then i don't tell him about the fact that i'm just so
00:38:02.940
thrilled to be with him because i didn't really dream about that as a kid but it's not because i
00:38:08.060
didn't want it it's because i thought that someone as amazing as him who could also possibly deign to
00:38:15.100
even find me tolerable to look at would ever exist on this planet and the fact that you do i'm still
00:38:22.300
you know you know it's a good couple when you feel like you've so we never posted the video of who
00:38:27.660
got the better deal because it was too harsh on our followers which is like you deserve not finding
00:38:34.140
a partner if you don't have one but i i actually want you know in the comments who got the better
00:38:40.540
deal and and one thing i'd remind you in contextualization here i clearly got the better
00:38:44.860
deal guys clearly you know how loving you just solve his loving facebook posts i will provide a
00:38:50.300
few pieces of context here okay i don't think you're allowed to praise me anymore you have to let the
00:38:54.380
audience decide for themselves i no no no when i met simone she was a 22 year old virgin and had
1.00
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only kissed one person 24 24 20 sorry 24 that significantly rises your value in terms of like
00:39:07.020
a marriage prospect that makes it hard to find someone like you among some when you met me i was
00:39:11.660
a guy who had previously slept around a ton but wasn't doing it anymore what had a undergraduate degree
00:39:18.380
from saint andrews and a graduate degree an nba from stanford you had a undergraduate degree from
00:39:25.420
gw where you graduated valedictorian but still it's not that good of school you hadn't gone to
00:39:28.860
cambridge yet you hadn't gotten your graduate degree yet yeah you were a better deal obviously i did
00:39:33.900
and i was a student at the well at the nba program in stanford you were way out of my league
00:39:41.660
and i'll post pictures of us at that time period so people can see who's who's at who's league
00:39:46.780
but who has bamboozled who i think you i think you have been bamboozled that's not true i mean i i i
00:39:56.940
but i do know that i provide like a shit ton of financial value because i i handle our finances
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00:40:02.940
payments travel i clean all the interior of the house every week i just ate children which is really
00:40:09.260
expensive if you're going to pay for it separately so i know that financially jesse what would you what
00:40:15.100
would you if you were going to leave me who would you leave me for nobody nobody my stand again my
00:40:21.100
plan was to live alone forever because someone as amazing as you someone who i actually would want
00:40:27.260
to even consider dating not not just marry but like even consider dating could not have possibly existed
00:40:35.980
period like there were times when people had crushes on me when i was younger and you know they
00:40:41.820
would kind of even insinuate that we could possibly be together and it would make me sick to my stomach
00:40:46.300
the very idea that that someone else would associate if you would send her love letters and she would
00:40:51.260
put them in the sink and then pour lighter fluid on them and light it on fire it was the only way
00:40:55.820
to cleanse myself of the great discomfort so i mean my i was very happy to be alone forever i was very
00:41:03.580
reconciled to it and then obviously if if you had not existed or i never had met you or you had married
00:41:08.940
someone else i definitely would still be alone like just i i know like i have no question right
00:41:16.780
i know i was you were so scared that would happen when you met me i was well because you're too
00:41:23.500
tempting and i probably would but that would really suck for me so to all the side chicks out there
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00:41:30.220
really sorry but also i can understand how you get in that position and i yeah i would definitely be
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00:41:35.900
alone if anything were to happen to you but that's not possible because if you do die i will revive you
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and then kill you because you're not allowed to die i would definitely never marry again it's not
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00:41:47.820
there's there's no just i hate people oh you would you would i hope you would marry again for
1.00
00:41:51.580
the sake of our kids no dude they're gonna be fine with me well am i allowed to remarry again if you die
00:41:59.500
obviously you're gonna remarry because you need someone to do all the admin and
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00:42:02.300
shit but you have to like i said marry someone who loves the kids and who the kids love like you
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00:42:08.220
when you marry again you are marrying for the kids you are not marrying for yourself period
1.00
00:42:15.660
obviously there's there's four of them and one of me okay yeah so you already have yourself duplicated
00:42:23.020
once you know you have a one two whole malcolms two whole malcolms and our kids get precedence over
00:42:30.060
you the original the og so yeah you are 100 percent when she dies she won't even let me marry for
0.97
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sex i feel like i was yeah not free well because also you should probably marry someone and and you
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00:42:45.900
know you should be allowed to sleep with whoever you want in addition to being married to them but
0.78
00:42:49.980
there was oh god you're so i love you you are some historical couple where the wife was dying
00:42:58.780
and she insisted that her husband that she approve of whatever her husband would marry
00:43:05.900
so he found someone before she died and she gave her approval which i'd never heard of before but that
00:43:12.140
is like actually really sweet and i bet it would you know make things easier for the
00:43:16.540
the second wife because she knew that this was a fully endorsed marriage and also like we've met
0.91
00:43:23.420
people who've lost their wives and who just will never shut up about them and they're like dating
00:43:27.580
other women right you know they're dating really great people but they won't shut up about their dead
1.00
00:43:33.260
wife and i think that it's super important that you like let that bring you let go i don't know i'll
1.00
00:43:40.940
ever be able to you're amazing so don't die that's the key yeah well as long as you don't die i won't
0.93
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die if you don't die well actually no we can't have both of us die at the same time a suicide pack
0.93
00:43:56.060
no because our kids need someone so i don't know all i know is i really really love you and i'm so glad
0.99
00:44:04.140
that i met you and from the moment i met you i knew my life was going to change forever and it did
00:44:08.780
and what do you mean by that like you met me and you were like oh he's it was like i mean it was a
00:44:16.620
mixture of probably a lot of different hormones but there was definitely a lot of adrenaline in
00:44:20.140
there because i just you were so so different and you were so what i always dreamed could exist
00:44:27.900
as a person but i couldn't like okay once when i was in college i had this really stupid web comic
0.51
00:44:35.260
that hopefully is completely scrubbed from the web and it completely fell apart because i tried to
0.85
00:44:40.860
write up a romantic arc because obviously the female protagonist in this stupid comic was probably
1.00
00:44:46.380
some kind of write-in for myself and then as soon as is this this write-in for myself character in the
00:44:53.500
web comic encounters what is supposed to be her love interest i just couldn't i couldn't articulate what
00:45:03.580
i lacked the creativity to describe someone as amazing as you love interest had did he you basically
00:45:13.260
but i didn't know how to draw or write or describe you because you're just too amazing and transformative
00:45:18.540
and you're definitely not human you're more than that and i i could i might i literally lacked the
00:45:24.860
creativity and mental capacity to imagine someone as amazing as you and then so of course when i meet you
00:45:31.100
on our first date how could i not be like overwhelmed with adrenaline and just completely overtaken by
00:45:38.300
the fact that you exist and the only reason i didn't completely go insane for you was because i
00:45:43.260
was also very convinced that you would never stay with me that i would never be a serious
00:45:50.140
prospect for you because you were so profoundly out of my league and everyone i think in the comments
00:45:54.380
will agree that you are i mean look you do all the podcast editing you do most of the interesting
00:46:01.100
talking i just say like oh i'm i agree or like what about and i don't think our audience will see
00:46:08.700
it that way they'll be like simone is bringing the heat she is no fire that fuels all your ideas well
00:46:15.660
prepare to be humble but also please stay married to me because that's important so audience please also
00:46:20.780
tell him too i love you to death oh and audience for those who are watching and who've made it through
00:46:26.140
this incredibly cringe fest and i'm sorry and malcolm you know that the rules you're not allowed to talk
00:46:30.540
about me so i don't know i don't know what you're doing well it was two days ago i don't know maybe
00:46:36.220
you missed your chance maybe this is well you know what it's not in the marriage contract though so
00:46:40.780
technically you're allowed to do whatever you want right it's not the contract yeah you gotta put it
00:46:44.460
in the contract no gushing over me in public but what we would also really appreciate it if you
00:46:49.420
have made it through this cringe fest is if you would like and subscribe on youtube and or because
00:46:56.300
this is entirely impossible to us go to the apple podcast page on your phone and leave us a five