Based Camp - The Science and History of 'Love at First Sight'

00:00:00.000 Hello, Simone, I've got a question for you.

00:00:01.920 Do you believe in love at first sight?

00:00:05.800 I believe in lust at first sight.

00:00:08.520 Well, around 52 to 66% of people in the U.S.

00:00:12.100 claim to have experienced love at first sight.

00:00:14.800 However, this belief may be bolstered by a selective memory bias

00:00:18.300 where individuals romanticize their initial encounters over time.

00:00:23.900 However, what I would say is we have actually seen

00:00:27.200 the concept of love at first sight

00:00:29.580 discussed all the way back in history.

00:00:34.120 We see it in Greek stories.

00:00:36.220 So you see it in like Ovid Metamorphoses.

00:00:38.740 The story of Pygmalion depicts a sculptor falling in love

00:00:42.020 with a statue he created at first sight.

00:00:44.500 Or the Greek myth of Narcissus,

00:00:47.200 who falls in love with his own reflection,

00:00:49.800 also embodies a form of instant love.

00:00:52.760 And they even had a mechanism of action for it

00:00:55.640 in the medieval period,

00:00:56.580 where the eyes of the lady,

00:00:59.960 when encountered by those of her future lover,

00:01:02.780 thus generated and conveyed a bright light

00:01:06.420 from her eyes to his.

00:01:08.280 Just picture a laser.

00:01:11.220 So yeah, no, they thought that like love

00:01:13.660 was something that like woman generated inside of them

00:01:17.220 and then like shot at men with their eyes.

00:01:20.460 This is terrifying.

00:01:22.180 And then captured his heart.

00:01:24.940 But they might have been right about that.

00:01:27.020 We'll get into in a little bit.

00:01:28.560 But I want to hear,

00:01:29.840 well, your lust at first sight comment

00:01:32.400 is really astute when they look at the data.

00:01:35.320 And we'll get into this in a second.

00:01:36.700 But what they found is,

00:01:38.780 yes, it appears that there does

00:01:41.160 appear to be this emotional thing

00:01:43.380 that people call love at first sight.

00:01:45.200 But it only occurs to people

00:01:46.680 you find physically attractive.

00:01:48.480 Yeah.

00:01:50.340 People aren't falling in love at first sight

00:01:52.980 with their chubby whatever husband.

00:01:55.180 They are falling in love at first sight

00:01:57.480 with people who are generically attractive.

00:02:00.440 And when people say they love someone at first sight

00:02:03.500 who is not, well, arousing to them

00:02:06.160 or more generically attractive,

00:02:08.000 they're typically lying in a supposed fact saying.

00:02:10.860 Or they were looking at their Bugatti instead.

00:02:13.100 They just happened to be inside it.

00:02:15.360 Yes.

00:02:15.960 One of my favorite is that medieval texts

00:02:17.820 also would compare the gaze of a beautiful woman

00:02:21.500 to the sight of a basilisk.

00:02:25.460 You know what?

00:02:26.460 Yeah.

00:02:28.540 You've got Medusa as well

00:02:30.040 that turned men to stone with her beautiful gaze.

00:02:31.900 Oh, they made them rock hard.

00:02:33.200 Yes, this is what happened.

00:02:34.780 Made them rock hard, right?

00:02:36.820 Yeah.

00:02:37.200 This is what really,

00:02:38.200 there was just something was lost in translation

00:02:39.980 and we thought,

00:02:40.820 oh, you mean they turned into a stone?

00:02:43.600 They're like, nah, kind of.

00:02:46.640 So one thing I will say that I think is interesting

00:02:49.520 is that even now,

00:02:52.620 when I have our podcast on or something,

00:02:57.440 when I freeze it

00:02:58.540 and I walk up by our computer screen

00:03:03.440 and I see your figure,

00:03:04.920 but I don't realize it's our podcast,

00:03:06.320 it's on the screen,

00:03:07.540 I'm like, oh, who's that?

00:03:09.740 And then also when we're in airports

00:03:11.540 and you and I are separate

00:03:13.120 or you're out walking by yourself

00:03:14.780 and I'm just gazing across a crowd

00:03:17.340 and I see you and I don't know it's you,

00:03:20.160 I'm all like, who's this?

00:03:23.960 Who's this?

00:03:24.640 And I think that that's what people are describing

00:03:28.320 as love at first sight

00:03:30.380 is that you're just so much my type

00:03:33.100 that even when I don't realize it's you,

00:03:35.780 my body is just like,

00:03:37.420 oh, react.

00:03:39.640 Yeah, you definitely had that reaction

00:03:41.620 when we first met

00:03:42.740 where you're like, oh my God.

00:03:43.880 And I still have it.

00:03:44.440 I still have it when I don't realize it's you.

00:03:47.420 I have a different reaction when I know it's you

00:03:49.400 because it's more like my person.

00:03:51.240 But when I don't know it's you,

00:03:52.980 I definitely feel this like spark

00:03:57.580 and I can totally understand

00:03:59.500 what these, whatever, medieval writers

00:04:02.020 were talking about in terms of this like,

00:04:04.360 meh, like lasers.

00:04:06.480 So, but again, I think that's entirely physical lust

00:04:10.380 and not love.

00:04:12.100 Well, and I mean, it would logically have to be.

00:04:15.260 So I'd also like to walk back here

00:04:18.180 where people act like the concept of love

00:04:20.100 at first sight is a romantic concept

00:04:21.840 when really I'd see it as an anti-romantic concept.

00:04:24.960 Oh yeah.

00:04:25.300 Because you don't know anything about the person yet.

00:04:28.080 You don't know anything about them.

00:04:30.100 Yeah.

00:04:30.880 Yeah.

00:04:31.180 You would have to believe in magic

00:04:34.520 or the soul and that love

00:04:37.020 is somehow capturing these systems.

00:04:40.140 Except we understand love very well

00:04:43.100 at like a psychological level.

00:04:44.700 And it is not magic.

00:04:46.100 It is not fairy dust.

00:04:47.340 First, well, I'll read a quote here.

00:04:50.280 Anthropologist Helen Fisher,

00:04:51.800 who studied the brain activity of people

00:04:53.120 madly in love with each other

00:04:54.380 through MRI scans,

00:04:56.280 says that romantic,

00:04:58.000 it says here through MRI scans,

00:04:59.480 but it's wrong.

00:05:00.040 It must've been through fMRI scans.

00:05:01.520 But anyway,

00:05:02.360 it says that romantic love

00:05:03.640 takes a very quote unquote

00:05:05.540 primitive pathway through the brain.

00:05:07.760 The good feelings we experience

00:05:09.040 when falling in love

00:05:09.940 is driven by dopamine,

00:05:11.520 the brain chemical behind our motivation

00:05:13.880 to find food, water,

00:05:15.120 and everything else we need for survival.

00:05:17.140 And also some oxytocin,

00:05:19.020 which we'll get into in a second.

00:05:20.320 It's just like the other survival mechanisms

00:05:22.860 like fear, for example,

00:05:24.700 it can be triggered instantly.

00:05:26.100 So what we mean is

00:05:27.260 because we understand what love is

00:05:29.640 fundamentally in the brain,

00:05:31.180 then the concept of

00:05:32.380 can it be triggered instantly

00:05:33.700 is just a concept of

00:05:34.920 if it can't,

00:05:36.460 are some humans born abnormal?

00:05:38.060 And yeah, of course, you know,

00:05:39.860 even though we might be coded

00:05:41.520 for like men to find women attractive

00:05:43.440 and women to find men attractive,

00:05:44.560 you're going to get some percentage

00:05:45.560 of the population

00:05:46.140 where that's not the case.

00:05:47.460 It's the same with a system like love.

00:05:49.580 If it was coded to only form

00:05:50.640 after a long period of time,

00:05:51.840 it's going to accidentally fire sometimes.

00:05:54.060 And like the lust system

00:05:54.900 is supposed to be firing

00:05:55.700 or something like that.

00:05:57.060 Well, and I think it's,

00:05:58.560 you're wrong to use the word love

00:06:01.140 when you say that,

00:06:02.040 yes, love at first sight exists

00:06:03.720 because there are very different things

00:06:06.160 that are happening hormonally

00:06:07.620 between lust and love.

00:06:08.980 And also, let's say you see someone

00:06:12.280 and you feel that spark

00:06:13.720 and you're very attracted to them,

00:06:15.180 but then you discover

00:06:15.920 that they were a war criminal

00:06:17.020 and they have a habit

00:06:17.820 of torturing people

00:06:18.880 and, you know,

00:06:19.460 that you're probably not going to love them.

00:06:21.540 You know, they may be hot,

00:06:24.240 but they're really bad.

00:06:25.920 I disagree.

00:06:26.760 Do you know how many

00:06:27.680 letters in prison get?

00:06:30.200 Okay, I need to use

00:06:31.140 a better example for you.

00:06:32.200 It turns out they're French.

00:06:33.560 Okay.

00:06:33.980 And then you're just like,

00:06:34.640 Oh my God.

00:06:35.500 Yeah.

00:06:35.900 So nevermind.

00:06:36.960 I'm just saying that loving a person

00:06:40.040 is very different.

00:06:41.640 It involves knowing who they are,

00:06:43.640 how they think.

00:06:44.560 Although I will,

00:06:45.260 I guess you have to add,

00:06:46.060 there's this additional complication

00:06:47.360 in Alexander Kruhl.

00:06:49.060 I think I sent you a link to this

00:06:50.540 on WhatsApp today

00:06:51.300 and we should probably include it

00:06:52.500 in the description.

00:06:54.300 It has one page he put together

00:06:56.060 of just all of the studies

00:06:57.940 that show what AI

00:06:59.360 and or researchers can infer

00:07:02.080 from just an image of someone's face.

00:07:05.540 So you can infer anything

00:07:07.440 from mental health problems

00:07:08.980 to various genetic conditions

00:07:10.520 to whether they are liberal

00:07:12.000 or conservative

00:07:12.840 to are they happy or depressed?

00:07:16.240 And I guess

00:07:18.380 against my own argument

00:07:21.520 and judgment,

00:07:22.160 I could argue that

00:07:23.960 based on just someone's appearance alone,

00:07:26.680 you could make a lot of inferences

00:07:29.480 about them

00:07:30.140 and perhaps know them better

00:07:31.560 than the average person

00:07:32.620 would like to suggest.

00:07:33.300 Part of this, actually.

00:07:34.480 And this is something, you know,

00:07:35.240 obviously the progressives

00:07:36.060 don't want to talk about

00:07:37.020 or the urban monoculture

00:07:37.960 people don't want to talk about

00:07:39.040 because it's like,

00:07:39.740 oh, if you can tell something

00:07:41.800 by somebody's face,

00:07:42.740 what you're really looking at

00:07:43.640 is genetic correlates there.

00:07:45.120 And we build enough patterns

00:07:47.140 to recognize,

00:07:48.400 like you can judge

00:07:49.180 with a really high probability

00:07:50.220 whether someone's conservative

00:07:51.100 or progressive.

00:07:52.080 Even criminals look different.

00:07:54.100 Like even on average,

00:07:55.420 people who commit crimes,

00:07:57.320 their amalgamated faces

00:07:59.240 look quite different.

00:08:00.680 And AI is going to get really good

00:08:02.240 at making these sorts of judgments,

00:08:03.800 which I'm very interested to see

00:08:05.680 if we can work this

00:08:06.400 into the criminal system

00:08:07.360 or hiring systems

00:08:08.440 and stuff like that.

00:08:09.500 Because I imagine

00:08:10.200 that facial judgments

00:08:11.240 made by AIs

00:08:12.160 are probably going to be

00:08:13.440 more accurate to personality

00:08:15.880 than these big, long,

00:08:18.240 like, surveys

00:08:19.260 that people fill out

00:08:20.080 for like jobs.

00:08:20.600 If already AI

00:08:21.460 is 60 to 70% accurate

00:08:23.520 in judging things

00:08:24.540 ranging from

00:08:25.360 mental health conditions

00:08:26.540 to political affiliation,

00:08:29.200 it's going to only get worse.

00:08:30.700 And you're right,

00:08:31.560 but I think most people

00:08:32.560 when they discover this

00:08:34.520 are not going to say,

00:08:35.400 oh, how great that is.

00:08:36.440 They're going to say,

00:08:37.260 oh my gosh,

00:08:38.100 this is a minority report.

00:08:40.120 We're going to be arrested

00:08:41.100 just because our face implies

00:08:42.400 that we're going to become

00:08:43.000 an axe murderer.

00:08:44.620 That's not good.

00:08:45.580 Well, we can do

00:08:46.680 a little minority report.

00:08:48.180 Well, that's, you know,

00:08:49.100 actually I was just looking

00:08:49.940 at another study actually

00:08:51.200 that was looking at sex crimes

00:08:52.840 and it found that

00:08:53.420 there was a really high

00:08:54.600 genetic correlate.

00:08:56.980 In other words,

00:08:57.900 if your brother commits

00:08:59.740 a sex crime,

00:09:01.080 you are much more likely,

00:09:02.500 like your odds

00:09:03.100 of also committing

00:09:03.840 one of those crimes

00:09:04.600 is much higher.

00:09:06.240 And the researchers

00:09:07.000 who looked into this

00:09:07.900 were arguing that,

00:09:09.120 you know,

00:09:09.320 this is a strong basis

00:09:10.420 for perhaps engaging

00:09:12.660 in preventative interventions

00:09:14.080 related to siblings

00:09:15.560 of people who are convicted

00:09:16.760 of these crimes.

00:09:17.420 Because if you do that preemptively,

00:09:20.420 you could probably reduce

00:09:21.920 a lot of harm in society.

00:09:22.120 Yes, and it's also something

00:09:22.820 to keep in mind,

00:09:23.960 I mean,

00:09:24.240 for the blank Slaters

00:09:25.240 who are like,

00:09:26.700 oh, keep the baby

00:09:27.660 when you're graped.

00:09:28.560 I'm not in favor of that.

00:09:30.880 Right.

00:09:31.800 I think not.

00:09:32.880 Abortion in the,

00:09:34.140 yeah.

00:09:34.260 We have an attachment

00:09:36.360 to the kid

00:09:36.820 because they've raised the kid,

00:09:37.780 but I'm just saying,

00:09:38.620 like, there are externalities

00:09:41.120 involved here

00:09:42.120 for other people

00:09:43.020 that you might not

00:09:43.880 be thinking about.

00:09:45.020 Right, because you're choosing

00:09:46.120 to also pass on

00:09:47.140 the behavioral traits

00:09:48.080 of a criminal

00:09:50.360 who committed,

00:09:51.340 who committed a crime,

00:09:52.620 creating that human

00:09:53.340 who is innocent

00:09:54.780 and, I mean,

00:09:56.680 complicated.

00:09:58.640 Yeah.

00:09:58.820 But I will also say here

00:10:00.360 before we go further

00:10:01.260 into the science

00:10:02.100 to go over

00:10:03.100 our theory of love,

00:10:04.200 which we talk about

00:10:04.820 in either the pragmatist

00:10:05.600 guided relationships

00:10:06.360 or the pragmatist

00:10:06.960 guided sexuality,

00:10:07.940 which would actually

00:10:09.480 preclude love

00:10:10.300 at first sight.

00:10:11.640 So when I was looking

00:10:13.720 at the concept of love,

00:10:14.860 my general assumption

00:10:15.660 is that love

00:10:16.500 probably first evolved

00:10:17.940 in mammals.

00:10:19.020 And in the book,

00:10:19.740 we go over a lot

00:10:20.500 of evidence for this

00:10:21.460 to keep us

00:10:22.760 from competing

00:10:23.740 with killing,

00:10:25.000 eating our offspring.

00:10:26.500 It was something

00:10:27.580 that we needed

00:10:28.280 to be able to develop

00:10:29.560 so that, you know,

00:10:31.000 when we looked

00:10:31.560 at an offspring

00:10:32.700 where we're like,

00:10:33.600 oh, yes,

00:10:34.340 bonded with this.

00:10:35.720 I am going to.

00:10:36.720 I love this thing.

00:10:38.080 Yeah.

00:10:38.360 As we always say,

00:10:39.100 evolution's a cheap programmer.

00:10:40.700 So evolution

00:10:41.260 will pick up

00:10:42.220 an emotional state

00:10:43.740 that was created

00:10:44.820 within one scenario

00:10:45.940 to use in a different scenario,

00:10:47.380 but it becomes

00:10:47.860 highly useful.

00:10:49.480 Love is very different

00:10:50.620 from lust

00:10:51.400 in that it is

00:10:52.980 longer term.

00:10:54.740 It leads to

00:10:55.600 caring for the thing,

00:10:57.220 not just wanting

00:10:57.880 to pay more attention

00:10:58.900 to it.

00:10:59.560 And it leads to

00:11:00.780 admiration

00:11:01.900 and veneration

00:11:02.720 for the thing.

00:11:04.000 And all of these

00:11:04.800 are very useful

00:11:05.600 in the way

00:11:06.420 you treat a spouse

00:11:07.700 if we were beginning

00:11:08.780 to develop

00:11:09.300 as a monogamous species.

00:11:11.160 As such,

00:11:12.280 the love system

00:11:13.340 needed to learn

00:11:14.480 to trigger

00:11:15.460 for spouses.

00:11:18.720 Here's the problem.

00:11:19.720 We don't have

00:11:20.580 anything that is

00:11:21.620 unique to a spouse

00:11:23.620 in terms of

00:11:25.080 our daily interactions.

00:11:26.600 Like,

00:11:26.720 is it the person

00:11:27.260 you interact with

00:11:28.020 the most?

00:11:28.680 Is it the person

00:11:29.640 you admire the most?

00:11:31.320 Is it the person

00:11:32.060 you, you know,

00:11:33.080 there's just not

00:11:33.820 a really,

00:11:34.640 so, okay,

00:11:35.160 what collection

00:11:35.960 of things

00:11:36.660 did it begin

00:11:37.380 to collect

00:11:38.280 as,

00:11:39.140 this is a spouse,

00:11:40.160 so I will

00:11:41.060 generate love

00:11:42.100 emotions for them.

00:11:43.500 And it's a bit like,

00:11:45.920 if I'm going to

00:11:46.580 word it this way,

00:11:47.200 the way we can

00:11:48.740 determine

00:11:49.200 what the love

00:11:50.780 system is measuring

00:11:51.540 is by looking at

00:11:52.740 when the love

00:11:53.160 system breaks.

00:11:54.400 So,

00:11:54.840 when do we

00:11:55.740 experience love

00:11:57.080 when we shouldn't

00:11:58.300 be experiencing love?

00:12:00.120 And it's a bit like

00:12:01.320 with Indiana Jones,

00:12:02.840 it's like,

00:12:03.220 okay,

00:12:03.460 this stone

00:12:04.640 is triggered

00:12:06.140 by weight,

00:12:08.560 so,

00:12:09.880 yes,

00:12:10.240 it can be triggered

00:12:10.800 by a golden idol,

00:12:11.900 a spouse,

00:12:12.440 but it could also be,

00:12:13.300 you know,

00:12:13.700 triggered by a bag

00:12:14.420 of sand.

00:12:15.340 And if you get it

00:12:15.860 wrong,

00:12:16.560 you know,

00:12:16.900 then the ball

00:12:17.440 starts rolling,

00:12:18.180 right?

00:12:18.400 You know,

00:12:18.560 so you got to say,

00:12:19.140 okay,

00:12:19.720 what is the actual

00:12:21.080 mechanism of action

00:12:22.160 here?

00:12:22.840 And when I look at

00:12:23.520 when I've experienced

00:12:24.400 love,

00:12:25.280 other than

00:12:26.780 interacting with

00:12:27.620 a partner

00:12:28.140 or child,

00:12:29.540 it is when

00:12:30.680 thinking about

00:12:31.820 or meditating

00:12:32.520 on really

00:12:33.720 big,

00:12:34.520 expansive

00:12:35.040 concepts,

00:12:36.380 examples here

00:12:37.460 would be

00:12:38.260 the vastness

00:12:39.520 of the universe

00:12:40.280 and how small

00:12:41.640 I am in

00:12:42.180 relation to it,

00:12:43.020 or the

00:12:44.480 ways that

00:12:45.820 various

00:12:46.480 like really

00:12:47.240 complicated

00:12:47.800 sciences

00:12:48.420 interact with

00:12:49.200 each other,

00:12:50.280 like the

00:12:50.940 vastness of

00:12:51.500 how like neurons

00:12:52.400 actually work

00:12:53.340 and the brain

00:12:53.920 actually works

00:12:54.700 and everything

00:12:55.240 like that.

00:12:56.120 Or when I

00:12:57.540 think about

00:12:58.160 my relation

00:12:59.060 to something

00:13:00.080 like a deity,

00:13:01.040 that does a

00:13:01.720 very good job

00:13:02.340 of that,

00:13:03.000 but specifically

00:13:03.780 when I am

00:13:04.460 thinking about

00:13:05.260 incomprehensible

00:13:07.040 aspects of the

00:13:08.320 deity from my

00:13:09.100 own perspective,

00:13:10.660 it could be

00:13:11.220 things that are

00:13:12.020 designed to be

00:13:12.840 incomprehensible

00:13:13.600 like the

00:13:14.480 trinity or

00:13:15.260 a cone.

00:13:16.140 By the way,

00:13:16.560 a cone is one

00:13:17.240 of those things

00:13:17.660 in Buddhist

00:13:18.020 philosophy where

00:13:18.620 they're like a

00:13:18.960 tree fell in

00:13:19.720 the woods.

00:13:20.600 Yeah,

00:13:21.040 P-O-A-N,

00:13:22.340 right?

00:13:22.860 Yeah,

00:13:23.260 and you're like,

00:13:23.780 well,

00:13:24.180 I mean,

00:13:24.460 it created a

00:13:25.340 reverberation

00:13:26.560 whether anyone

00:13:27.360 picked that up

00:13:28.140 with their

00:13:28.680 auditory,

00:13:29.580 they slapped

00:13:30.060 you,

00:13:30.240 they're like,

00:13:30.480 that's not

00:13:30.840 what it means,

00:13:31.840 and it's like,

00:13:32.220 well,

00:13:32.680 I mean,

00:13:33.220 then you're

00:13:33.760 just like

00:13:34.480 gaslighting me,

00:13:35.500 like you're

00:13:35.820 trying to show

00:13:36.840 me that you

00:13:37.340 are superior to

00:13:38.780 me when really

00:13:39.880 you asked a

00:13:40.620 fairly simple

00:13:41.100 question.

00:13:41.460 Do you mean,

00:13:41.980 did it create

00:13:42.320 a vibration

00:13:42.820 or was there

00:13:43.360 anyone there

00:13:43.720 to hear the

00:13:44.160 vibration that

00:13:45.240 we interpret

00:13:45.780 as sound?

00:13:46.540 And because

00:13:47.520 you are from

00:13:48.160 a simple

00:13:48.600 backwards culture,

00:13:49.720 you don't

00:13:50.580 think of it

00:13:51.040 that way.

00:13:51.500 You think

00:13:51.840 of it as

00:13:52.360 some intractable

00:13:53.660 question which

00:13:54.560 maintains this

00:13:55.500 hierarchy.

00:13:56.940 I am not a

00:13:57.580 fan of cones.

00:13:58.260 I think that

00:13:58.740 they are a

00:13:59.460 form of abuse

00:14:00.380 and within

00:14:01.080 any other

00:14:01.540 world we

00:14:02.060 would call

00:14:02.460 them gaslighting.

00:14:04.140 But anyway,

00:14:04.780 I'm sorry,

00:14:05.380 it's just a

00:14:05.840 har meant to

00:14:07.040 systemically

00:14:07.640 disempower

00:14:08.080 people from

00:14:08.560 asking questions

00:14:09.180 or trusting

00:14:09.560 their own

00:14:09.860 judgment,

00:14:10.100 but let's

00:14:11.260 not get

00:14:11.540 into that.

00:14:12.180 They do

00:14:12.640 create this

00:14:13.700 love emotion

00:14:14.340 and so when

00:14:14.920 I look at

00:14:15.320 that, I'm

00:14:15.580 like, okay,

00:14:15.940 so then what's

00:14:16.420 really creating

00:14:17.400 the love

00:14:17.720 emotion?

00:14:18.500 I think it

00:14:19.100 is anything

00:14:20.160 that you

00:14:21.300 think about

00:14:21.980 frequently.

00:14:23.040 So it's not

00:14:23.920 looking at how

00:14:24.580 often you

00:14:25.000 interact with

00:14:25.520 a person,

00:14:26.060 it seems to

00:14:26.860 be measuring

00:14:27.320 how much

00:14:28.160 you are

00:14:28.500 thinking about

00:14:29.100 a person

00:14:29.500 or a

00:14:29.760 concept.

00:14:30.620 The second

00:14:31.320 thing is

00:14:32.000 the vastness

00:14:33.200 of that

00:14:33.500 concept,

00:14:33.940 like how

00:14:34.340 deep is

00:14:35.060 your thought

00:14:35.900 about this

00:14:37.160 concept,

00:14:38.120 right?

00:14:38.360 And this

00:14:39.100 can be

00:14:39.420 triggered

00:14:39.720 with something

00:14:40.440 that is

00:14:41.140 arbitrarily

00:14:42.120 incomprehensible

00:14:43.040 to a human

00:14:43.560 mind, like

00:14:44.060 the Trinity,

00:14:44.840 or it can

00:14:45.960 be something

00:14:46.340 that is

00:14:46.680 genuinely

00:14:47.100 complex and

00:14:48.000 deep, like

00:14:48.400 the vastness

00:14:48.900 of reality.

00:14:49.960 And then it

00:14:50.480 looks at do

00:14:51.060 you find this

00:14:51.900 thing to be

00:14:52.520 comforting and

00:14:53.360 safe?

00:14:54.220 And if you

00:14:54.940 hit all of

00:14:55.800 those things,

00:14:56.840 you're going to

00:14:57.300 experience this

00:14:58.200 love output.

00:14:59.400 And I think

00:15:00.040 that these

00:15:00.560 things aren't

00:15:01.260 experienced in

00:15:02.200 this love at

00:15:03.160 first sight,

00:15:03.700 which is really,

00:15:04.280 I think, a lust

00:15:04.700 output for most

00:15:05.620 people, except

00:15:06.480 people with

00:15:06.800 really broken

00:15:07.820 systems.

00:15:08.740 But let's go

00:15:09.340 into the

00:15:09.940 research on

00:15:10.520 this so we

00:15:10.940 can see what's

00:15:11.860 actually here.

00:15:12.260 But do you have

00:15:12.480 any thoughts

00:15:12.820 before I go

00:15:13.240 further?

00:15:15.980 You had said

00:15:17.000 to me just

00:15:17.740 the other day

00:15:18.480 that you

00:15:18.920 weren't sure

00:15:19.520 if you ever

00:15:20.140 really felt

00:15:21.080 the feeling

00:15:21.820 of love,

00:15:22.680 or that you

00:15:23.180 said that you

00:15:24.580 don't really

00:15:27.060 know what

00:15:27.820 love feels

00:15:28.480 like, and I

00:15:29.100 kind of agree

00:15:30.220 with you on

00:15:30.740 that.

00:15:31.000 So that's

00:15:31.280 where I...

00:15:31.920 I can generate

00:15:33.240 a feeling that

00:15:34.500 appears to be

00:15:35.360 the feeling that

00:15:36.020 other people are

00:15:36.540 calling love by

00:15:38.380 meditating on

00:15:39.060 complex topics.

00:15:40.480 I can't.

00:15:41.460 That doesn't

00:15:42.000 resonate for...

00:15:42.660 I mean, but

00:15:43.100 also I don't

00:15:43.540 know if this

00:15:43.980 is an autistic

00:15:44.560 thing.

00:15:45.580 Like, maybe I

00:15:46.200 can't figure it

00:15:46.960 out.

00:15:47.060 But remember

00:15:47.320 my mom said

00:15:47.940 that autistic

00:15:48.340 people can't

00:15:48.900 love.

00:15:49.460 Yeah.

00:15:50.140 She's like,

00:15:50.620 your wife will

00:15:51.080 never truly love

00:15:51.920 you because she's

00:15:52.520 autistic.

00:15:53.160 Yeah, she's so

00:15:54.220 great.

00:15:54.760 I love her so

00:15:55.420 much.

00:15:55.820 I miss her.

00:15:56.320 I honestly, I

00:15:57.020 prefer a wife who

00:15:57.860 is infatuated with

00:15:59.100 me than one who

00:15:59.740 loves me.

00:16:00.320 That is...

00:16:01.480 Yeah, but I

00:16:01.960 mean, so there's

00:16:02.960 this...

00:16:03.220 I hope you can find

00:16:04.020 this clip.

00:16:04.600 There's this famous

00:16:05.380 clip with...

00:16:06.440 I've told you

00:16:06.940 about it.

00:16:07.560 When Prince

00:16:08.480 Charles and

00:16:08.940 Princess Diana

00:16:09.520 were first

00:16:10.580 engaged and a

00:16:12.420 journalist asks

00:16:13.480 Diana and

00:16:14.360 Charles, are

00:16:16.040 you in love?

00:16:17.040 And Diana says

00:16:17.760 something like,

00:16:18.520 yes.

00:16:19.060 And he's like,

00:16:19.740 whatever that

00:16:20.340 means.

00:16:21.920 It was obviously

00:16:23.680 the worst thing

00:16:24.520 to ever say and

00:16:25.720 that has come

00:16:26.220 back to bite him

00:16:27.060 a billion times.

00:16:28.360 But I don't

00:16:29.860 disagree, right?

00:16:30.860 Like, what even

00:16:31.840 is love?

00:16:32.980 And I suppose

00:16:33.580 in love.

00:16:34.060 Like, what are

00:16:40.140 you asking me?

00:16:41.280 What is this?

00:16:42.420 And it's such

00:16:44.400 a kludgy thing.

00:16:45.380 And another point

00:16:46.020 that we make in

00:16:46.620 The Pragmatist

00:16:47.140 Guide to

00:16:47.440 Relationships is

00:16:48.340 that love is not

00:16:49.820 useful to anyone.

00:16:51.740 Abusive people

00:16:52.660 love their

00:16:53.600 partners.

00:16:54.040 That doesn't

00:16:54.660 help them.

00:16:56.380 You know,

00:16:56.720 creeps, stalkers,

00:16:58.340 murderers often

00:16:59.260 love their

00:17:00.200 victims a lot.

00:17:01.900 So much that

00:17:02.420 they just want

00:17:02.820 to eat their

00:17:03.300 faces, you

00:17:04.080 know, just

00:17:04.600 like, love

00:17:06.080 is not useful

00:17:06.940 to the recipient.

00:17:08.460 And there is

00:17:09.220 a correlation

00:17:09.880 to your point

00:17:10.800 about evolution

00:17:12.080 being a cheap

00:17:12.680 programmer and

00:17:13.760 perhaps it

00:17:14.260 hijacking the

00:17:15.460 love of a

00:17:16.120 parent that's

00:17:16.800 very, you

00:17:17.160 know, hormonal

00:17:17.840 for, you

00:17:18.980 know, the

00:17:19.160 love of a

00:17:19.800 child.

00:17:20.200 And there

00:17:20.440 are many

00:17:20.700 correlates that

00:17:21.660 are also

00:17:22.140 been, I

00:17:23.080 think, highly

00:17:23.480 associated with

00:17:24.560 lust.

00:17:25.040 You know,

00:17:25.160 there's oxytocin

00:17:26.240 and there's

00:17:27.200 dopamine and

00:17:27.980 there's serotonin,

00:17:29.060 you know, all

00:17:29.460 these things kind

00:17:30.080 of factor in.

00:17:30.740 And so there's

00:17:31.240 like the

00:17:31.520 hormonal

00:17:32.020 elements of

00:17:32.720 love and

00:17:33.320 lust, which

00:17:34.360 are all kind

00:17:34.780 of, you

00:17:35.760 know, they're

00:17:36.100 correlated, but

00:17:37.180 they're not

00:17:37.580 directly together.

00:17:39.200 And then there's

00:17:40.200 these more complex

00:17:41.100 concepts that you

00:17:41.820 describe, like when

00:17:42.520 you're thinking

00:17:42.900 about the

00:17:43.300 complexity of

00:17:43.960 the universe

00:17:44.560 or God

00:17:45.360 or cones.

00:17:46.580 And then there's

00:17:47.280 this whole, like,

00:17:47.840 you know, your

00:17:48.100 mind gets just

00:17:48.700 kind of fuzzed up

00:17:49.380 and you're like,

00:17:49.740 I don't know,

00:17:50.180 love.

00:17:50.500 Well, I mean, I

00:17:51.820 suspect that love

00:17:53.640 is, like, if

00:17:54.520 we're describing

00:17:54.980 it in, like, a

00:17:55.540 neurochemical sense,

00:17:56.980 a combination of

00:17:59.220 dopamine and

00:18:00.360 oxytocin release

00:18:01.620 that forces a

00:18:02.900 bond with another

00:18:03.940 individual.

00:18:05.060 And I say this

00:18:05.620 because we know,

00:18:06.600 remember I said,

00:18:07.160 I think that it

00:18:07.720 originally evolved

00:18:08.360 for our children,

00:18:09.380 post-childbirth,

00:18:10.580 women, for

00:18:11.040 example, are

00:18:11.660 flooded with

00:18:12.220 oxytocin.

00:18:12.920 Huge surge,

00:18:13.880 yeah.

00:18:14.180 But you also

00:18:14.900 experience it,

00:18:15.820 women get a

00:18:16.400 higher dose of

00:18:17.100 oxytocin if they

00:18:18.040 haven't slept with

00:18:18.680 many men and

00:18:19.200 they sleep with

00:18:19.680 a man.

00:18:20.500 Which causes

00:18:21.060 bonding, yeah.

00:18:22.720 Where we talk

00:18:23.380 about, and the

00:18:24.120 studies on this

00:18:24.760 have all been,

00:18:25.180 like, scraped

00:18:25.640 from the internet.

00:18:26.280 It's really weird

00:18:26.980 because it used

00:18:27.500 to be I could

00:18:27.860 find it.

00:18:28.340 Like, I went

00:18:28.720 back and tried

00:18:29.220 to Google it

00:18:29.660 and I couldn't

00:18:29.920 find it.

00:18:30.600 But women who

00:18:31.020 have had sex

00:18:31.460 with lots of

00:18:31.900 partners reduce

00:18:32.600 at least less

00:18:33.340 oxytocin every

00:18:34.200 time they have

00:18:34.600 sex.

00:18:34.940 And, like,

00:18:35.420 that makes

00:18:35.720 perfect sense

00:18:36.300 because that

00:18:36.640 would mean in

00:18:36.980 an ancestral sense

00:18:37.680 they were probably

00:18:38.120 a slave,

00:18:39.700 basically.

00:18:40.680 And that if you

00:18:42.180 were in a

00:18:42.440 monogamous

00:18:42.820 situation,

00:18:43.500 ancestrally,

00:18:44.180 yeah, it

00:18:44.340 would make sense

00:18:44.840 to fall in love

00:18:45.400 with the first

00:18:50.500 But, you know,

00:18:51.200 we see a lot

00:18:52.020 of, okay,

00:18:52.720 you're getting

00:18:53.100 this oxytocin

00:18:53.840 release, it

00:18:54.480 causes you to

00:18:55.060 bond to a

00:18:55.540 person.

00:18:56.260 Here's my

00:18:56.740 question for you,

00:18:57.700 you're like,

00:18:58.200 I don't know

00:18:58.600 if I've ever

00:18:58.960 experienced love,

00:19:00.140 well, what's

00:19:00.640 the emotion

00:19:01.040 that bonds

00:19:01.480 you to the

00:19:01.840 kids?

00:19:02.880 Like, they

00:19:03.340 haven't, like,

00:19:04.020 okay, little

00:19:04.560 Indie there,

00:19:05.640 right?

00:19:06.100 She hasn't said

00:19:06.840 anything, done

00:19:07.980 anything, and yet

00:19:09.140 you feel a

00:19:10.020 fondness for her

00:19:11.100 that is undeniable.

00:19:13.220 I mean, I

00:19:13.540 watched the way

00:19:14.240 you set her on

00:19:14.760 the table when

00:19:15.380 you're working

00:19:15.820 and everything

00:19:16.220 like that and

00:19:16.780 get so excited

00:19:17.340 when she's being

00:19:17.900 cute.

00:19:18.260 What is that

00:19:20.100 emotion that

00:19:20.800 you're feeling?

00:19:21.320 That is the

00:19:22.020 love emotion.

00:19:27.020 I mean, I

00:19:28.100 feel that

00:19:29.100 feeling when I

00:19:29.780 look at rain

00:19:31.260 on glass, you

00:19:33.100 know, when it

00:19:33.640 hits a window.

00:19:34.520 I feel that

00:19:34.920 feeling when I

00:19:35.480 see autumn

00:19:36.600 leaves shimmering

00:19:37.320 in the sun.

00:19:38.180 Like, is that

00:19:38.860 that it's not,

00:19:41.620 I don't think

00:19:42.440 calling that love

00:19:43.460 is accurate,

00:19:45.820 right?

00:19:46.200 No, okay,

00:19:47.000 what you are

00:19:47.540 describing here

00:19:48.580 is, and I

00:19:49.420 think that this

00:19:49.800 is a component

00:19:50.380 of love, is

00:19:51.500 you are describing

00:19:52.220 a set of

00:19:53.260 environmental

00:19:53.780 stimuli that

00:19:55.380 correlates with

00:19:55.940 the feeling of

00:19:56.560 bliss and

00:19:56.960 contentment.

00:19:57.980 That correlate

00:19:58.720 with the feeling

00:19:59.400 of bliss and

00:19:59.940 contentment, which

00:20:01.000 you feel when

00:20:02.000 looking at

00:20:02.940 infants that

00:20:04.320 are yours.

00:20:05.360 So then my

00:20:05.940 question to

00:20:06.540 you is, do

00:20:07.720 you ever feel

00:20:08.400 that feeling of

00:20:09.100 bliss and

00:20:09.380 contentment when

00:20:09.880 looking at,

00:20:10.540 say, me?

00:20:11.520 Yeah.

00:20:12.660 So that's

00:20:13.700 love.

00:20:14.160 Especially when

00:20:14.560 you, oh my

00:20:15.060 God, when you

00:20:16.020 eat and I hear

00:20:17.040 the sound of

00:20:17.580 like you

00:20:17.880 chewing or

00:20:18.380 something.

00:20:19.060 I just

00:20:19.300 like, other

00:20:21.820 women are so

00:20:22.660 like, my

00:20:23.240 husband like

00:20:23.920 smacks his

00:20:24.600 food.

00:20:25.420 And you're

00:20:25.660 like, I

00:20:25.940 love listening

00:20:26.520 to him

00:20:26.920 munch.

00:20:27.760 Yes, it

00:20:28.520 makes me so

00:20:29.100 happy.

00:20:29.880 Oh God, I'm

00:20:30.440 so gay for

00:20:31.320 you.

00:20:32.940 Yeah, I

00:20:33.800 don't know.

00:20:35.020 So then is

00:20:35.600 love, oh,

00:20:37.440 this person or

00:20:38.640 thing correlates

00:20:39.840 with a feeling

00:20:40.560 of contentment

00:20:41.420 and bliss for

00:20:42.080 me.

00:20:42.300 Like, that

00:20:42.740 also just

00:20:43.400 seems so

00:20:44.080 shallow.

00:20:45.820 Because most

00:20:46.660 humans do not

00:20:47.940 correlate with

00:20:48.700 that for you.

00:20:49.300 You don't

00:20:49.740 look at most

00:20:50.620 human bodies

00:20:51.660 and get a

00:20:52.260 feeling of

00:20:53.120 blissfulness and

00:20:53.900 content.

00:20:55.000 You wouldn't

00:20:55.560 feel that way

00:20:56.480 if a stranger

00:20:57.280 at a restaurant

00:20:58.020 was eating and

00:20:58.720 you overheard

00:20:59.320 them.

00:20:59.680 You'd probably

00:21:00.120 be like, ew,

00:21:00.860 gross.

00:21:01.940 Yeah, but if

00:21:02.460 that, if

00:21:03.600 other things,

00:21:05.740 like rain

00:21:09.260 on glass or

00:21:10.760 the pitter

00:21:11.320 patter of

00:21:11.800 rain on a

00:21:12.260 roof, you

00:21:13.020 know, can

00:21:13.380 trigger that,

00:21:14.440 like, how

00:21:14.900 does love

00:21:15.960 for a human,

00:21:16.780 how would

00:21:17.140 love for a

00:21:17.680 human be

00:21:18.080 special, you

00:21:20.020 know?

00:21:20.980 What do

00:21:21.420 you mean?

00:21:23.100 I mean,

00:21:23.420 there are

00:21:23.680 other things,

00:21:24.360 there are

00:21:24.580 other elements

00:21:25.240 in life that

00:21:25.780 are non-organic

00:21:26.720 that can also

00:21:27.420 trigger in a

00:21:28.220 human.

00:21:28.740 Yeah, so

00:21:29.180 what you're

00:21:29.620 saying is it

00:21:30.180 activates the

00:21:31.060 bliss and

00:21:31.600 content system

00:21:32.560 and not the

00:21:33.660 lust system.

00:21:34.600 it's a

00:21:35.540 completely

00:21:36.020 different

00:21:36.460 category of

00:21:37.480 thing that

00:21:38.160 is elevating.

00:21:39.560 And that's

00:21:41.400 actually

00:21:41.880 interesting,

00:21:42.700 that you are

00:21:43.040 looking at

00:21:43.460 an attractive

00:21:43.900 man and

00:21:44.540 instead of

00:21:45.000 feeling a

00:21:45.480 lust, you

00:21:46.040 are feeling

00:21:46.460 blissful

00:21:46.900 contentment.

00:21:48.040 Which is

00:21:48.960 clear that

00:21:49.720 you were

00:21:50.000 meant to

00:21:50.360 feel for

00:21:50.760 children.

00:21:51.680 Yeah, so

00:21:52.500 that's true

00:21:52.900 because we

00:21:53.280 were talking

00:21:53.660 about that

00:21:54.260 when I see

00:21:55.600 you in an

00:21:55.960 airport and

00:21:56.340 I don't

00:21:56.520 realize it's

00:21:57.060 you.

00:21:57.940 And then

00:21:58.120 there's this

00:21:58.520 separate like

00:21:59.180 that I feel

00:22:00.680 when I hear

00:22:02.380 you eating

00:22:02.980 food.

00:22:03.640 I love

00:22:04.640 the description

00:22:05.180 of a

00:22:05.520 going

00:22:06.300 and a

00:22:07.360 yeah, so

00:22:09.000 that's

00:22:09.360 I know exactly

00:22:10.140 what we're

00:22:10.400 talking about

00:22:10.900 the difference

00:22:11.420 here.

00:22:11.980 Lust versus

00:22:12.540 love.

00:22:13.200 Okay.

00:22:13.800 But let's

00:22:14.780 go further.

00:22:15.540 You know, in

00:22:15.760 the first few

00:22:16.180 months of a

00:22:16.540 relationship,

00:22:17.100 your serotonin

00:22:17.920 level dropped

00:22:18.460 causing cortisol,

00:22:19.440 the stress hormone

00:22:19.940 to flood your

00:22:20.520 body.

00:22:21.120 This is why

00:22:21.560 your heart

00:22:21.900 beats faster

00:22:22.480 and your

00:22:22.900 pupils dilate

00:22:23.760 and maybe

00:22:24.720 you start

00:22:25.300 feeling quote

00:22:25.780 unquote butterflies

00:22:26.420 in your stomach.

00:22:27.640 Lower serotonin

00:22:28.440 levels might also

00:22:29.400 be why you are

00:22:30.020 suddenly obsessed

00:22:30.700 over the new

00:22:31.100 person unable

00:22:31.780 to think about

00:22:32.300 anything other

00:22:32.920 than them.

00:22:33.640 So it is a

00:22:34.460 rise in cortisol

00:22:35.320 and a drop

00:22:35.840 in serotonin.

00:22:36.960 Your body

00:22:37.400 odor may play

00:22:38.440 a part in how

00:22:39.520 attractive you

00:22:40.220 are to someone.

00:22:41.200 Some studies

00:22:41.680 have shown that

00:22:42.400 during ovulation

00:22:43.260 phase of the

00:22:43.760 cycle, women

00:22:44.320 may be more

00:22:44.920 attracted to

00:22:45.700 musk-like

00:22:46.420 pheromones that

00:22:47.300 men excrete.

00:22:48.140 By the way, I

00:22:48.480 don't know if

00:22:48.740 you've seen

00:22:49.020 this study, but

00:22:49.500 there was a

00:22:49.780 study where

00:22:50.280 people like

00:22:51.320 wore dirty

00:22:51.980 t-shirts and

00:22:52.780 then put them

00:22:53.180 in a pile and

00:22:54.500 men could pick

00:22:55.640 out the shirts

00:22:56.320 of women who

00:22:56.840 are ovulating and

00:22:57.560 women could pick

00:22:58.000 out the shirts

00:22:58.420 of attractive

00:22:58.860 men.

00:22:59.220 I haven't

00:23:00.160 gotten over the

00:23:00.680 part where

00:23:00.940 people are

00:23:01.300 in a 1995

00:23:01.820 sweaty t-shirt

00:23:02.840 study where

00:23:03.860 it showed that

00:23:05.180 women sniffed

00:23:05.960 t-shirts that

00:23:06.500 had been worn

00:23:06.940 by men, no

00:23:07.640 cologne, no

00:23:08.160 deodorant,

00:23:08.740 au en

00:23:08.940 lateral.

00:23:09.900 Results

00:23:10.260 showed that

00:23:10.740 they preferred

00:23:11.160 the odor of

00:23:11.760 men with

00:23:12.540 major histone

00:23:13.420 compatibility

00:23:13.800 complex, MHC

00:23:15.120 genes that

00:23:15.960 were different

00:23:16.360 from their own.

00:23:17.380 This would

00:23:17.640 produce offspring

00:23:18.420 with a stronger

00:23:18.980 immune system.

00:23:19.720 Another interesting

00:23:24.700 thing is a

00:23:25.440 2019 study

00:23:26.280 found that

00:23:27.180 when women

00:23:27.680 were in love

00:23:28.280 with someone,

00:23:28.980 their immune

00:23:29.440 system was

00:23:29.960 bolstered.

00:23:31.020 Now, this

00:23:31.480 is the study

00:23:31.960 I found

00:23:32.220 most interesting.

00:23:33.200 One study

00:23:33.420 found that

00:23:33.760 60 people

00:23:34.920 who had

00:23:35.420 never met

00:23:35.780 before and

00:23:36.320 found that

00:23:36.760 prolonged eye

00:23:37.480 contact between

00:23:38.140 two people

00:23:38.580 increased the

00:23:39.420 romantic attraction

00:23:40.020 they felt for

00:23:40.580 each other.

00:23:41.280 Blood pressure

00:23:41.720 skyrocketed and

00:23:42.740 the participants

00:23:43.180 wanted to be

00:23:43.900 paired with

00:23:44.820 the same people

00:23:45.560 again in the

00:23:46.160 future.

00:23:46.880 They wanted to

00:23:47.360 know more about

00:23:48.420 the other person.

00:23:49.240 These effects

00:23:50.180 were even

00:23:50.820 stronger when

00:23:51.920 people allowed

00:23:52.860 quote-unquote

00:23:53.340 mutual touch

00:23:54.200 despite the

00:23:55.100 fancy wording

00:23:55.700 that meant

00:23:56.140 holding hands.

00:23:57.340 We know that

00:23:57.960 holding hands

00:23:58.680 causes oxytocin

00:23:59.640 release.

00:24:00.180 We know that

00:24:00.680 long eye

00:24:01.360 contact causes

00:24:02.100 oxytocin

00:24:02.700 release.

00:24:03.620 I think that

00:24:04.780 yeah, that's

00:24:05.520 what we're

00:24:06.060 seeing here.

00:24:06.620 That's really

00:24:06.960 interesting to me.

00:24:08.260 One of my

00:24:08.640 favorite studies

00:24:09.180 on this was

00:24:09.720 done by

00:24:10.100 Arthur

00:24:10.640 something or

00:24:11.480 another and

00:24:12.060 it showed

00:24:12.400 that you

00:24:12.620 could basically

00:24:13.060 force people

00:24:13.620 to fall in

00:24:14.040 love.

00:24:14.560 We had this

00:24:14.900 idea of I

00:24:15.640 like sit two

00:24:16.420 people down and

00:24:17.080 they look into

00:24:17.480 each other's eyes

00:24:18.120 and they ask

00:24:18.560 a series of

00:24:18.940 questions.

00:24:19.240 of each other

00:24:19.700 that they'll

00:24:19.980 fall in love

00:24:20.420 and people

00:24:21.160 who were in

00:24:21.700 the study as

00:24:22.120 random

00:24:22.440 participants even

00:24:23.700 ended up getting

00:24:24.560 married.

00:24:25.400 That is how

00:24:26.340 good it did at

00:24:27.560 creating this

00:24:28.160 emotion which is

00:24:28.940 to say that

00:24:29.420 love systems

00:24:30.340 can be hacked

00:24:31.400 and this is one

00:24:32.420 of the things

00:24:32.780 that really

00:24:33.080 scared me away

00:24:33.680 from like the

00:24:34.120 early effective

00:24:34.780 altruism community

00:24:35.660 and early

00:24:36.020 singularity community

00:24:36.920 is they would do

00:24:37.980 a lot of these

00:24:38.600 sorts of events

00:24:39.320 where you'd like

00:24:39.800 sit down and

00:24:40.380 stare someone in

00:24:40.940 the eyes and

00:24:41.400 I'm like this is

00:24:42.040 what cults do

00:24:42.720 to brainwash

00:24:43.240 people.

00:24:44.120 It's also what

00:24:44.620 touchy-feely

00:24:45.140 did at Stanford

00:24:45.800 which is a

00:24:46.480 classic brainwashing

00:24:47.720 technique where

00:24:48.460 it easily hijacks

00:24:49.660 the love system.

00:24:50.840 Here's the final

00:24:51.560 bit here that I

00:24:52.140 found really

00:24:52.440 interesting.

00:24:53.200 First and

00:24:53.560 foremost they

00:24:54.180 found that love

00:24:54.920 at first sight

00:24:55.440 didn't exist

00:24:55.960 without a strong

00:24:56.540 physical attraction.

00:24:57.600 Looks did

00:24:58.120 matter.

00:24:58.980 Also probably

00:24:59.760 unsurprisingly

00:25:00.300 people in long-term

00:25:01.080 relationships scored

00:25:01.920 higher on quote-unquote

00:25:02.720 love tests than

00:25:03.740 people who had met

00:25:04.320 for the first time

00:25:05.180 but reported love

00:25:06.240 at first sight.

00:25:06.820 so yeah it

00:25:08.840 doesn't appear

00:25:09.300 that it's that

00:25:09.660 easy to

00:25:10.020 accidentally

00:25:10.360 motivate the

00:25:10.920 love system

00:25:11.300 but what

00:25:12.420 are your

00:25:12.780 thoughts

00:25:13.300 and think

00:25:14.560 about them

00:25:14.860 and I'm

00:25:15.060 gonna get

00:25:15.240 a drink.

00:25:16.700 Don't think

00:25:17.160 about them

00:25:17.500 too much

00:25:17.960 you are a

00:25:18.460 woman.

00:25:19.020 I'm gonna

00:25:19.160 have to put

00:25:19.540 the women.

00:25:21.240 No you

00:25:21.560 are women.

00:25:22.020 An ordinary

00:25:23.320 dinner party

00:25:24.080 the sort of

00:25:25.080 occasion we

00:25:25.600 all enjoy.

00:25:26.880 The men are

00:25:27.260 exchanging

00:25:27.760 witty stories

00:25:28.680 and look at

00:25:29.360 the women

00:25:29.740 aren't they

00:25:30.260 pretty?

00:25:31.260 But now the

00:25:32.080 conversation turns

00:25:33.020 to more serious

00:25:33.760 matters.

00:25:34.400 I wonder if the

00:25:35.020 government should

00:25:35.680 return to the

00:25:36.300 gold standard.

00:25:38.180 I think it

00:25:38.720 should.

00:25:39.540 Good.

00:25:40.160 Then we're all

00:25:40.600 agreed.

00:25:42.120 But oh dear

00:25:42.720 what's this?

00:25:44.120 One of the

00:25:44.560 women is about

00:25:45.160 to embarrass us

00:25:46.040 all.

00:25:46.980 I think the

00:25:47.500 government should

00:25:48.060 stay off the

00:25:48.620 gold standard

00:25:49.300 so that the

00:25:50.120 pound can reach

00:25:50.700 a level that

00:25:51.320 will keep our

00:25:51.700 exports competitive.

00:25:53.760 The lady has

00:25:54.760 foolishly attempted

00:25:55.560 to join the

00:25:56.220 conversation with

00:25:56.980 a wild and

00:25:57.600 dangerous opinion

00:25:58.320 of her own.

00:25:59.360 What half-baked

00:26:00.080 drivel.

00:26:00.620 See how the

00:26:01.200 men look at

00:26:01.780 her with utter

00:26:02.520 contempt.

00:26:03.180 Women know

00:26:04.120 your limits.

00:26:06.140 The important

00:26:07.060 thing is to

00:26:09.540 I think

00:26:10.320 understand the

00:26:12.700 underpinnings and

00:26:13.620 mechanics of love

00:26:14.680 as well as one

00:26:16.460 possibly can.

00:26:18.860 Same goes for

00:26:19.880 sex.

00:26:20.300 So that you

00:26:21.500 don't pedestalize

00:26:23.400 it to your

00:26:25.080 detriment in

00:26:26.020 trying to find a

00:26:26.860 well-matched

00:26:27.240 partner.

00:26:27.580 Look at the

00:26:28.300 effect of

00:26:28.760 education on a

00:26:29.660 man and a

00:26:30.060 woman's mind.

00:26:31.700 Education passes

00:26:32.580 into the mind

00:26:33.240 of a man.

00:26:34.280 See how the

00:26:34.740 information is

00:26:35.520 evenly and tidily

00:26:36.480 stored.

00:26:37.160 Now see the

00:26:37.720 same thing on a

00:26:38.360 woman.

00:26:39.400 At first we see

00:26:40.500 a similar result.

00:26:41.820 But now look.

00:26:42.880 Still at a

00:26:43.360 reasonably low

00:26:44.060 level of

00:26:44.440 education, her

00:26:45.420 brain suddenly

00:26:46.120 overloads.

00:26:47.800 She cannot take

00:26:48.480 in complicated

00:26:49.120 information.

00:26:50.120 And that's I

00:26:51.080 think one of the

00:26:51.640 bigger problems.

00:26:52.620 This is certainly

00:26:53.220 not the heart of

00:26:54.180 problems for

00:26:54.900 forming relationships

00:26:55.820 these days.

00:26:56.500 There are so many

00:26:57.040 other big factors

00:26:58.060 that are a

00:26:58.540 problem like the

00:26:59.380 fact that women

00:27:00.480 want higher

00:27:01.120 status men than

00:27:01.960 them.

00:27:02.680 But most middle

00:27:03.460 class women are

00:27:04.140 going to struggle

00:27:04.740 to find men who

00:27:05.520 can thrive more in

00:27:06.620 a middle class

00:27:07.400 like bureaucratic

00:27:08.160 job system than

00:27:08.940 they do so they

00:27:09.620 can't find partners

00:27:10.280 and people are

00:27:11.240 all waiting to

00:27:12.020 have to get

00:27:13.040 married until after

00:27:14.400 they're completely

00:27:14.980 set up with their

00:27:15.580 lives whereas they

00:27:16.180 really should be

00:27:16.720 getting married as

00:27:17.440 they begin building

00:27:18.200 their lives so

00:27:18.780 they're obviously

00:27:19.360 bigger fish to fry

00:27:20.300 in the relationship

00:27:21.420 world.

00:27:22.160 It is nevertheless

00:27:22.740 a big problem

00:27:23.840 that we still see

00:27:24.920 that even people

00:27:26.500 who understand that

00:27:27.460 they need to get

00:27:27.920 married early and

00:27:28.960 even people who

00:27:29.580 understand all of

00:27:31.220 the weird asymmetries

00:27:32.640 that need to be in

00:27:33.280 place to make a

00:27:33.920 relationship work they

00:27:35.320 still pedestalize

00:27:37.480 love and sex in a

00:27:40.100 way that is

00:27:40.680 incredibly stupid and

00:27:42.640 they're like well I

00:27:43.340 have to feel this

00:27:44.180 spark and I have to

00:27:45.120 feel this.

00:27:45.740 Oh absolutely and

00:27:46.820 and you know you

00:27:47.420 see this with

00:27:48.400 arranged marriages

00:27:49.500 I'm like people

00:27:50.600 like well shouldn't

00:27:51.240 I have like the

00:27:52.020 chemistry as a

00:27:52.840 person like no it

00:27:53.500 doesn't really

00:27:53.820 matter and in

00:27:54.600 arranged marriages

00:27:55.540 after 10 years of

00:27:57.380 marriage people have

00:27:58.660 the same love rates

00:28:00.240 as people in with

00:28:02.020 chosen partners but

00:28:03.320 here's the thing

00:28:03.900 that's not accounted

00:28:04.560 for arranged marriages

00:28:05.920 have a dramatically

00:28:06.740 lower divorce rate than

00:28:08.000 non-arranged marriages

00:28:08.780 so it means when you

00:28:09.700 account for survivorship

00:28:10.860 bias you are actually

00:28:12.340 more likely to be in

00:28:13.660 love with someone in

00:28:14.520 10 years if they are

00:28:15.500 chosen by people who

00:28:16.420 know you well without

00:28:17.280 you having much

00:28:18.200 input then you are if

00:28:21.180 you choose someone who

00:28:22.800 you already love in the

00:28:24.540 moment which just shows

00:28:25.580 what a bad compass love

00:28:26.840 is and I think we see

00:28:28.300 this in the history of

00:28:29.240 love remember all those

00:28:29.980 early stories of love

00:28:31.000 love was always seen

00:28:31.900 negatively especially

00:28:33.780 love at first sight was

00:28:35.200 seen negatively in a

00:28:36.900 historic context this was

00:28:38.540 understood to be a

00:28:39.880 negative thing a form of

00:28:41.540 madness depending on what

00:28:42.580 culture you're looking

00:28:43.300 at like in in in some

00:28:45.740 cultures it was just

00:28:46.520 seen as like an

00:28:47.580 intrinsically immoral

00:28:48.860 thing no different from

00:28:50.640 lust and I think that

00:28:52.220 that's really the

00:28:53.080 healthiest way to look at

00:28:54.260 it yeah well and or it

00:28:55.740 was it was supposed to

00:28:56.680 be something that was

00:28:57.360 uncoupled from your

00:28:58.480 marriage so if you if

00:29:00.200 you wanted to pursue

00:29:00.860 love it would be in the

00:29:01.880 form of a dalliance or it

00:29:03.200 would be in the form of a

00:29:05.260 mistress it wouldn't be

00:29:07.480 in the form of marrying

00:29:10.100 someone it could even be

00:29:11.940 some kind of platonic

00:29:12.880 like Dante and Beatrix

00:29:14.700 sorry not Beatrix

00:29:16.580 Beatrice like Dante and

00:29:18.140 Beatrice in the divine

00:29:19.440 comedy so there were all

00:29:21.740 sorts of forms of love

00:29:23.680 that were very passionate

00:29:24.640 but when they worked out

00:29:26.400 they weren't done within

00:29:27.560 the capacity of attempting

00:29:29.160 to marry and trying to

00:29:30.500 make that work was deadly

00:29:32.040 like in Romeo and Juliet

00:29:33.400 yeah yeah you're you're

00:29:36.700 killing your kids by or

00:29:37.920 um not arrange very by

00:29:39.980 uh letting them just

00:29:41.800 marry whoever they want

00:29:42.980 like like like animals

00:29:44.400 like what is this you

00:29:46.100 you that's that's not the

00:29:48.900 way this works um no I

00:29:51.220 I I really appreciate what

00:29:53.620 you're saying there and I

00:29:54.300 think it's a very important

00:29:55.020 concept to elevate um and I

00:29:57.120 think that really the only

00:29:59.300 culture that I'm aware of in

00:30:00.800 a historical context that

00:30:02.620 elevated the idea that you

00:30:03.740 should marry the people you

00:30:05.420 love this comes down to

00:30:07.480 western culture but it's

00:30:09.240 not a historic component

00:30:10.740 of western culture it

00:30:11.800 certainly wasn't around in

00:30:13.320 the Roman Empire it was

00:30:15.300 something that came

00:30:16.880 downstream of and for

00:30:18.880 people are wondering how

00:30:19.500 things worked in Rome you

00:30:20.340 had strict monogamy in

00:30:21.440 Rome i.e you only had one

00:30:23.080 real wife but you would

00:30:24.260 hook up with other people

00:30:25.420 right you know and here I

00:30:26.960 could I could put the clip

00:30:27.940 of Octavian reprimanding

00:30:29.760 Marcus for sleeping with

00:30:32.120 people who weren't his

00:30:33.020 wife remember colleague you

00:30:36.760 are talking to my wife

00:30:37.960 your wife in name only

00:30:39.620 still mother that performs

00:30:41.760 the wifely function is it

00:30:43.100 not well Octavia does the

00:30:44.640 same for my good friend

00:30:45.720 Agrippa that's very

00:30:47.740 convenient for all involved

00:30:49.180 do you deny it so what what

00:30:51.680 if it is true what are you

00:30:53.780 going to do about it I

00:30:55.240 shall have this sad story

00:30:56.480 told in the forum I will

00:30:57.660 have it posted in every city

00:30:59.440 in Italy and you know the

00:31:00.800 people are not so liberal with

00:31:02.660 their wives as you are they

00:31:04.620 will say you wear cuckold's

00:31:05.920 horns they will say your wife

00:31:07.580 betrayed you with a low-born

00:31:08.860 pleb on my staff you will be

00:31:11.720 a figure of fun the proles

00:31:14.580 will laugh at you in the

00:31:15.680 street your soldiers will

00:31:18.040 mock you behind your back but

00:31:20.200 it it came through the

00:31:23.020 courtly love culture that was

00:31:25.340 largely created by so people

00:31:27.300 don't know like they hear

00:31:28.560 courtly love and they think

00:31:30.040 courtesans were writing these

00:31:31.320 books courtesans were not

00:31:33.340 writing you're using the wrong

00:31:34.960 word courtiers maybe you're

00:31:36.900 courtiers whatever not yeah

00:31:38.180 sorry courtiers court people in

00:31:40.240 the royal court it wasn't

00:31:41.540 written by people in the royal

00:31:42.500 court they were predominantly

00:31:43.520 written by monks or as we might

00:31:46.360 call them today nerdy incels they

00:31:49.720 were writing their version of

00:31:53.160 sexual fantasy comic books and

00:31:56.160 there begin to become a a a

00:31:58.100 culture of this and this is this

00:32:00.300 is what was being made fun of in

00:32:02.200 stuff like don quixote right they

00:32:04.520 were like these these people are

00:32:07.280 ridiculous idiots like this isn't

00:32:09.400 the way any of this would ever

00:32:10.480 actually play out you know they're

00:32:12.380 living these fantasy lives in

00:32:15.560 order to well fulfill their own

00:32:17.320 fantasies you know that's that's

00:32:18.680 the way this stuff works and as a

00:32:20.880 result of that it goes on it goes

00:32:23.540 on it goes on still these incel

00:32:25.120 monks are writing this but they end

00:32:26.880 up creating some genuinely amazing

00:32:28.300 amazing literature eventually think

00:32:30.340 of it a bit like fan fiction

00:32:31.420 communities yeah i mean fan fiction

00:32:33.560 is like raunchy and smutty but

00:32:35.040 eventually some of it's really good

00:32:36.860 there there's some good fan fiction

00:32:39.320 out there that i say it's better

00:32:40.320 than some of the best books i've

00:32:41.460 read yeah and as a result when

00:32:45.460 people were creating the early

00:32:47.760 literary canon in the west they

00:32:51.220 relied on the tropes from these well

00:32:53.520 basically incel comic books and that

00:32:56.140 had the problem of creating early

00:32:59.760 disney i think is where a lot of

00:33:01.340 this entered the mainstream

00:33:02.400 is the idea of love at first sight

00:33:05.840 and needing to love someone to marry

00:33:07.720 them i think was largely disseminated

00:33:10.600 in modern western culture into the

00:33:12.540 mainstream by disney and normalized by

00:33:16.480 disney and i think that that is where

00:33:19.540 the rock comes from so it's

00:33:21.400 interesting that disney rotting our

00:33:22.840 culture isn't a new thing it's it's

00:33:25.120 been happening since its inception

00:33:26.960 in its borrowing themes from the

00:33:30.140 quarterly love culture weren't

00:33:32.240 necessarily common in american culture

00:33:34.060 before this this isn't to say that i

00:33:36.080 don't think you should be well matched

00:33:38.680 with your partner i think that what you

00:33:41.400 saw for example in puritan and even

00:33:45.580 quaker early colonial communities where

00:33:48.020 there were times when youth could get to

00:33:53.140 know each other and you know they would

00:33:55.080 choose to marry they could choose to not

00:33:56.560 marry and they i love the puritan thing

00:33:58.900 of like being in the bed was the person

00:34:00.800 and they would tie you up in a sack

00:34:02.120 yeah or there was you could be in the

00:34:05.260 company of a bunch of chaperones

00:34:08.000 essentially but they would give you a

00:34:10.380 tube or a hollowed out log to talk

00:34:12.940 between so you could talk privately

00:34:14.940 they actually have a scene where that's

00:34:17.320 done in the patriots do and they joke

00:34:19.400 about how they would break like i hope

00:34:22.240 you tie the knots better than my father

00:34:24.060 did or something like that

00:34:25.460 yeah but i so yeah i think you should

00:34:28.960 be really stoked to marry whoever it is

00:34:31.380 that you marry but you should be looking

00:34:32.560 at it as a lifelong business partner

00:34:34.440 and not a lifelong love yeah like a

00:34:39.180 lifelong entertainer a lifelong professional

00:34:40.940 friend or entourage member or quite honestly

00:34:44.980 mother or father that's actually such a

00:34:47.980 good point in in a watcher of the podcast

00:34:50.500 once asked me they were thinking about

00:34:52.880 bringing an additional person into their

00:34:54.520 relationship and they were like okay you

00:34:56.560 know this is somebody who i find

00:34:58.620 attractive my partner finds attractive

00:35:00.340 um should we bring them into the

00:35:02.600 relationship and i was like well i mean

00:35:04.460 the first thing you want to ask is how

00:35:05.620 efficient are they how much how good are

00:35:07.140 they at work and i think that this is the

00:35:09.020 thing they were thinking like i like being

00:35:10.900 around this person because i like having

00:35:12.220 sex with them i like spending time with

00:35:14.620 them and what they weren't thinking was

00:35:17.540 is this somebody i would want to start a

00:35:19.440 business with and that should be the

00:35:22.180 first thing that you think and vet when

00:35:24.420 you're choosing someone to marry or spend

00:35:25.980 your life with or have kids with yeah well

00:35:30.340 and there's this whole trope on social

00:35:32.100 media of what do they call them like

00:35:35.060 single single married women who just feel

00:35:38.480 like their entire lives is taking care of

00:35:41.780 their husbands they're just doing their

00:35:43.360 laundry like that just their husbands

00:35:45.000 kind of just married someone that they

00:35:46.420 expected to do the same thing that a

00:35:47.840 mother would do for a child and that's

00:35:49.940 lame and there's all these women who just

00:35:51.260 want sugar daddies like they just want a

00:35:53.220 new daddy who's going to spoil them and

00:35:55.380 pay for everything and buy them things and

00:35:56.940 send them on vacations and they just sit

00:35:58.380 around and do nothing and expect to be

00:36:00.360 pampered and that's equally toxic perhaps

00:36:02.860 even a little more disgusting because i

00:36:04.520 don't know i just really hate that i find it

00:36:06.460 gross so you know both of those are really

00:36:09.780 bad so yeah but what you're looking for

00:36:11.540 again is a business partner and anything

00:36:14.100 else should be seen as purely recreational

00:36:16.660 on your own time with your discretionary

00:36:18.700 income and nothing else your discretionary

00:36:22.060 income i don't know i think you know like if i

00:36:26.620 was was was going to hook up with someone

00:36:29.580 other than you and i use my discretionary income

00:36:32.260 on that that would be quite a violation of

00:36:33.800 our marriage no it wouldn't our discretionary

00:36:35.800 income that's that's your money that you

00:36:37.340 get to spend on whatever you want

00:36:38.620 well thank god neither of us have any

00:36:41.060 particular makes it it makes it very easy

00:36:42.880 there was a the the unfortunate thing on

00:36:46.120 the are we monogamous episode uh that we

00:36:48.300 did ages ago we're like the core thing is

00:36:50.800 like um well you have rules against sleeping

00:36:53.740 with other people i don't i just don't see a

00:36:55.780 reason to like it's so much effort it's so

00:36:59.160 much effort this this fantasy of oh i'm

00:37:02.340 gonna sleep with all of these people it's

00:37:04.740 like yeah but what you're not thinking

00:37:06.460 about is the work and the risk and the

00:37:09.200 grossness and the like why would you

00:37:11.960 it's so much effort

00:37:14.680 and ickiness

00:37:17.680 and it just makes life harder like i don't

00:37:23.040 i get the desire but like if it slows down

00:37:26.280 the speed at which you actually marry someone

00:37:28.160 and start having kids like what's the point

00:37:30.080 of all that right like or if it puts an

00:37:32.100 existing marriage at risk which is i'm even

00:37:34.860 in poly relationships there's just always

00:37:36.940 this very real risk that yes it goes fine

00:37:40.940 until it doesn't it goes fine until something

00:37:44.360 falls apart and that that's difficult so

00:37:47.780 yeah yeah no i hear that well and this is

00:37:51.240 because systems that may have been designed

00:37:53.680 for a monogamous relationship end up firing in

00:37:57.140 the wrong way you know they're like oh now now

00:38:00.400 this person is attached and keep in mind even

00:38:03.940 historically when you had societies that practice

00:38:06.400 polygyny where they had multiple wives there

00:38:09.060 was genetic competition between the wives i

00:38:11.520 mean the wives not only wanted to have the

00:38:13.900 maximum number of kids of the wives in in a

00:38:16.580 marriage but they wanted the kids to get

00:38:18.420 more resources than the other wives kids like

00:38:20.800 that was the goal from a genetic standpoint here

00:38:23.820 i'm saying and that this was ever harmonious i

00:38:28.320 think is a a fantasy uh there's just a strong

00:38:31.860 incentive where actually women within cultures that

00:38:36.660 are intergenerationally polygynous i.e having

00:38:39.720 multiple wives would likely be i'd say more

00:38:43.480 spiteful and cunning towards other women than

00:38:46.280 women in cultures that aren't polygynous because

00:38:48.420 they would have been genetically rewarded for that

00:38:51.100 intergenerationally speaking um much more than

00:38:54.240 women in cultures who aren't polygynous like

00:38:55.900 monogamous cultures where women generally get

00:38:59.100 get genetically rewarded for cooperating more

00:39:01.920 yeah an interesting point i hadn't considered

00:39:06.040 before i'd love to look at the data on that to

00:39:08.000 see if there's data supporting that hypothesis

00:39:09.560 yeah women from societies like in muslim societies are

00:39:13.740 women more backstabby than in to other women i mean

00:39:16.980 than in you know like christian societies like

00:39:19.000 is that a thing i don't know

00:39:21.260 the research i've seen of women being backstabby are

00:39:25.500 in western societies and there's no

00:39:27.520 positive backstabbing what i say is women are

00:39:31.180 backstabby in western societies yes like very well

00:39:33.980 studied to other women like women are very

00:39:36.580 intersexually competitive yeah in a way that men are

00:39:40.340 not

00:39:40.740 yeah like the famous research that found that

00:39:45.460 if if a woman was more attractive than her hairstylist the hairstyle was more

00:39:49.760 likely to for example cut her hair a little shorter than she asked

00:39:54.000 i like the study that was looking at bosses and like almost no woman in the

00:39:59.000 study preferred a female boss to a male boss

00:40:00.860 yeah like this idea that like women are better off because we're promoting

00:40:03.980 where women is not true women are much worse off for it

00:40:06.680 yeah on the whole

00:40:08.200 unfortunate

00:40:09.320 yeah it is unfortunate it would be great if we could genetically modify this trait out

00:40:14.660 of women which maybe we'll be able to do soon

00:40:16.820 it's called autism malcolm that's why

00:40:19.340 it's called autism just give all of my female friends are a little more

00:40:23.640 a little more autistic than your average

00:40:26.740 there that's true though you have so many autistic female friends

00:40:30.300 and you think the increase in mental health diagnoses is a bad thing

00:40:36.520 i don't know

00:40:38.820 anyway i love you to death simone you're quite a special woman and i'm really really lucky to be

00:40:44.660 married to you and i actually wonder because you said you never found anyone attractive before me

00:40:50.220 what was the like emotion you felt when you first saw me is it not something you had felt before

00:40:55.360 was it something you had felt at different levels

00:40:57.220 no i mean i i found people attractive before i just

00:41:00.440 like there was never this this combination of

00:41:04.780 like being attracted to someone and then also finding them

00:41:09.720 like to be such as a person

00:41:13.000 an attractive person as well like both physically and everything else attractive

00:41:17.620 but no i mean i certainly found other people attractive before

00:41:21.960 okay

00:41:23.360 you just happen to be very much my type

00:41:26.200 so it was the first time that you had both found somebody attractive

00:41:29.860 and really like jive with them at like i guess a cultural level

00:41:33.960 and then again culturally we're very similar people often joke that we're twins apparently

00:41:38.520 we're called the cromwell twins and in fundy circles which i'm okay with

00:41:42.880 yeah i love you simone

00:41:45.140 i love you too oh am i not making you dinner

00:41:47.760 tonight no i didn't end up going out i didn't have time i had too much to do

00:41:51.900 what would you like grilled cheese with tomato soup would you like

00:41:55.040 oh my god yes yes okay

00:41:57.040 do we have any meat left by the way

00:41:59.200 sawing or

00:42:00.200 i can take more out do you want something with me

00:42:02.980 no i can do more of the slow cooker

00:42:04.620 cheese and tomato soup

00:42:06.140 oh okay

00:42:06.760 so that's

00:42:07.560 okay

00:42:08.280 unless we have a

00:42:10.120 yeah no two grilled cheese

00:42:12.900 we have those kebabs i can make you in addition to the grilled cheese you can have two kebabs

00:42:17.660 like from trader news

00:42:19.620 what about one kebab

00:42:20.360 one kebab a bowl of grilled

00:42:22.820 sorry a bowl of tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich

00:42:25.800 two grilled cheeses

00:42:26.760 two grilled cheeses

00:42:28.080 consider it done sir

00:42:30.000 i love you my beautiful beautiful wife

00:42:33.500 you are so cutie cutie cutie cutie

00:42:35.740 and i'm just so lucky to be married to you

00:42:38.060 what

00:42:39.140 we're intolerable i i hate people who are in love

00:42:44.020 you know they're gross and i i feel bad inflicting ourselves

00:42:47.120 i do i hate people who are in love too

00:42:49.500 and i'm yeah

00:42:50.060 one of the interesting things about love is a desire to signal it publicly and loudly

00:42:54.420 which of course

00:42:55.080 but no one wants to see it

00:42:56.840 no one wants to see that

00:42:58.260 it's like

00:42:58.860 well right because i'm i'm basically saying okay this mate is mine just so everyone knows

00:43:04.540 like competition will ensue if you try to compete

00:43:07.420 i think it's more like screaming

00:43:08.640 you know when you scream

00:43:10.320 no this is why people do when someone else screams it hurts

00:43:13.220 is is people will say in like high school in my high school i mean maybe people have matured out of this

00:43:20.020 because they've gotten better at like how bad this looks

00:43:22.380 but early on when they'd be dating oh i love x person i love x person we're so in love love love

00:43:27.700 why are you so perfect

00:43:29.060 they just needed to shout it to the stars and i think like shouting it from the roof

00:43:33.000 which is a sentiment you hear historically is one of the biological reactions to the love emotion

00:43:38.520 yeah but i i do think it's interesting that this whole

00:43:42.060 and then they they got they married and they lived happily ever after

00:43:45.260 and there just aren't really

00:43:46.360 you don't see a whole lot of media in which people really love each other

00:43:50.480 and if you do it's that they love each other

00:43:52.900 but for some reason they're kept apart

00:43:54.540 because i think there's something about people who love each other

00:43:57.380 and are successfully just in love and not having problems

00:44:00.420 people just hate it it's just intolerable

00:44:02.900 like nails on a chalkboard

00:44:04.660 i don't want to watch it

00:44:05.900 there's no famous influencers who like actually care about each other and love each other

00:44:10.080 well yeah where they have to like make up drama or something

00:44:13.280 yeah maybe because people just don't want to see it it's gross

00:44:16.500 it's terrible

00:44:18.860 so they have to make something either they have to make up something wrong about them

00:44:22.260 and make up separate drama about how they're evil and not really what they say they are

00:44:26.220 well you're the puppet master that's what i've heard

00:44:28.760 you control me i've seen other people comment on us and they say that i

00:44:33.340 am this dull witless puppet of a man who's being controlled by the

00:44:37.920 cruel puppet master simone who seduced someone out of her league is what they said

00:44:43.580 you saw this video right well you are out of my league i

00:44:46.940 and i guess technically i seduced you through my work ethic

00:44:51.180 when you discovered that you couldn't do better than me in terms of

00:44:54.320 you know sheer i i basically left you with no choice

00:44:57.940 yeah this was not something where you really had a lot of choice in the matter because

00:45:01.580 well how did i not have choice in the matter yeah i mean yeah i guess i didn't have choice

00:45:05.500 yeah you didn't have a choice

00:45:06.440 yeah i i so i did seduce you but with work ethic because i am obviously

00:45:11.500 way below your league so from a an aesthetic perspective just fortunately you are not as

00:45:19.900 sensitive to aesthetics as other men are you're like mormon polygamous men you know i don't think

00:45:26.100 that's true okay so you got to do the mormon polygamous quote here can you pull it up yeah

00:45:30.880 mark twain went when he was young to salt lake city at the time i think when brigham young was still

00:45:36.960 alive he was vehemently against this concept of polygamy and he had a change of heart and here's

00:45:42.880 what he wrote up after his experience in salt lake city he writes quote i had the will to do it with

00:45:49.820 the gushing self-sufficiency of youth i was feverish to plunge in headlong and achieve great reform here

00:45:55.900 until i saw the mormon woman then i was touched my heart was wiser than my head

00:46:02.640 it warms toward these poor ungainly and pathetically homely creatures and as i turned

00:46:10.360 to hide the generous moisture in my eyes i said no the man that marries one of them has done an

00:46:17.220 act of christian charity which entitles him to the kindly applause of mankind not their harsh censure

00:46:23.980 and the man that marries 60 of them has done a deed of open-handed generosity

00:46:29.460 so sublime that the nations should stand uncovered in his presence and worship in silence

00:46:37.500 i love this this is so but i did notice something because you were actually talking about this where

00:46:43.700 i was talking to one of our mormon fans and we were going over pictures because you know we were

00:46:47.960 trying to identify traits you know that are common in the people who are having kids who aren't having

00:46:53.020 kids etc and at one point it was like oh you know the hot one right and i realized that his perception

00:47:00.040 of which of the hot one i go oh you mean this one and he goes no the hot one is this one and i

00:47:04.360 realized that and i think you actually see this like genetically within subpopulations

00:47:09.440 what is considered attractive can be radically different than what another group considers attractive

00:47:16.140 and this is why people often naturally end up going for their own cultural group so for like

00:47:23.680 somebody like simone and i people are like you guys look like twins or siblings or something like that

00:47:28.200 it's like yeah she's part of my ethno cultural group like of course i would have found her more

00:47:32.560 attractive than competing people especially at the arbitrage level i.e. the degree to which i value her

00:47:38.600 type of attractiveness is much higher than for example a random mormon man would have valued her

00:47:45.400 iteration of attractiveness but the degree to which i would value you know the average mormon woman

00:47:50.900 would be much lower than the degree to which a mormon man would value a mormon woman and i think

00:47:56.160 between cultures sometimes this differentiates a bit more like i i i notice that i think

00:48:03.220 what i find attractive overlaps with maybe surprisingly to the audience what catholics find attractive

00:48:10.540 like i find often whatever the irish are selecting foreign girls very attractive when i was younger i

00:48:17.700 loved irish girls so maybe or yeah this is another thing where i notice where different communities have

00:48:26.580 different things that they find attractive and i don't know if i can like build a whole video on this

00:48:30.700 but it's something i mentioned in an episode that hasn't gone live yet so for example with me

00:48:35.140 the women who i pursued and disproportionately had relationships with when contrasted with their

00:48:40.700 percent of the population heavily jewish first of all i'd say a good 40 of the women i've ever dated

00:48:47.080 have been jewish in in ancestry at least outside of that irish i found irish women disproportionately

00:48:54.300 attractive outside of that at like freckles and stuff like that like that's my thing but again our

00:48:59.520 kids we've got like redhead and freckles so clearly like we're still in this tradition

00:49:02.840 so my ancestors must have felt that way too and your ancestors must have felt that way too

00:49:07.180 the one category that i've always found surprising is the group that disproportionately pursued me the

00:49:11.780 most was romani women or gypsy women like really people of that descent group appear to find whatever

00:49:18.820 i'm bringing to the table like disproportionately attractive and i remember simone was like well

00:49:22.740 there's almost none of them and i'm like and that's why it's weird that i have uh hooked up with

00:49:28.460 so many of them i don't know what it is it might be a cultural thing or it could be a genetic thing i

00:49:34.020 really don't know within these different groups that leads to these cultural pairings any thoughts no

00:49:39.460 no i mean i just think they're they're probably more likely to be broadly you know genetically close

00:49:48.040 ish to you i mean there's a there's a lot of travelers in the uk tons and tons and you're super

00:49:52.840 uk so i don't know yeah but i don't find scottish women attractive in modern scottish women but yeah

00:50:00.200 modern scottish women look like dysgenic selection but keep in mind like a lot of the most you could

00:50:06.980 argue like bit adventurous entrepreneurial you know capable of getting out of really dire situations

00:50:14.800 um ancestors moved to the united states so they're here yeah you wouldn't necessarily realize that's

00:50:21.980 that's also true so you you you are partially scottish descent as well so yeah i guess i do like

00:50:26.920 scottish women just the ones who immigrated it's the same with irish i like the ones who who immigrated

00:50:32.020 e e immigrated i.e left i don't know i don't remember walking around ireland and thinking people

00:50:37.200 were uniquely attractive it was more i lived for a long time in massachusetts and the maybe that

00:50:42.720 disproportionately colored how many irish girls i was encountering for people who don't know that's

00:50:47.380 where the large irish population settled well i've got to go make dinner because i've got that

00:50:54.620 campaign tonight and i want to make dinner and shower the kids so you have it fairly easy tonight

00:50:58.460 after i leave love you get her done i love you too and i'll start your sandwiches your sammies

00:51:04.840 love you malcolm she makes the best girl cheeses to anyone who's like malcolm your voice has been

00:51:10.800 shot in terms of recent episodes you were you're feeling horribly sick or something no this past

00:51:16.220 week simone and i were on vacation so everything you saw this past week was like really pre-recorded

00:51:20.360 and i was just adding those bits and final editing because we were at heretic on where we were giving a

00:51:25.380 speech which is such a cool experience but every night there they would have these parties up until

00:51:30.980 like 2 or 3 a.m and you know two things about me one i am not the type of person who knows how to

00:51:38.140 party or go to parties or nightclubs or whatever but i'm also not the type of person who would ever

00:51:43.680 turn down an opportunity to network if it could be used to help the larger cause that we're working on

00:51:48.560 and the people at these events were so high value i couldn't turn it down so i just had to stay up

00:51:53.640 like yelling to talk to people at nightclubs at like 1 or 2 a.m and i do not know how the rest of

00:51:58.760 the world handles this but fortunately we were able to make it back in time to take our kids out

00:52:03.620 trick-or-treating and hear the video of mine you know very obviously what's the appropriate word

00:52:08.560 here neurally diverse children sorting their trick-or-treat candy i love these kids so much

00:52:14.580 was one of them wanting to watch us eat his candy or try parts of it but him not wanting to eat it

00:52:19.820 himself it is so sweet

00:52:21.360 do you want to try it

00:52:22.780 here do you want me to open it for you

00:52:26.920 yes well it's a kind of one

00:52:29.980 try it

00:52:30.620 can you help me open these i want to find the one

00:52:34.780 i want to find the one

00:52:38.580 okay well i'll see if i can find it i think i know where that is

00:52:40.880 look it's chocolate

00:52:42.260 here do you want to eat it it's very yummy

00:52:44.260 hmm if all you tried it i'll try it but if i try it you have to promise to eat the rest okay

00:52:50.160 i can't

00:52:51.860 here

00:52:52.360 i don't want to

00:52:54.120 this whole thing has been here daddy tried it i tried a pipe and now he won't eat it

00:52:59.220 and then i tried this and now he won't eat it

00:53:02.160 toasty eat your candy

00:53:04.120 no

00:53:05.000 eat your candy

00:53:06.160 i can't

00:53:07.240 eat your candy

00:53:08.160 i don't want to

00:53:09.520 but it's candy toasty

00:53:10.960 but i want to eat food

00:53:12.960 candy is a type of food try it by

00:53:15.260 um hey

00:53:15.860 no

00:53:16.200 i think it's more water for me

00:53:18.260 i want to

00:53:18.820 it's empty

00:53:19.500 i'm for

00:53:20.080 toasty what do you want to eat

00:53:21.520 a big

00:53:23.400 i think

00:53:24.900 i think

00:53:25.960 i think

00:53:26.740 i think

00:53:26.760 i think

00:53:27.360 i think

00:53:27.600 i think

00:53:27.620 i think

00:53:28.000 i think

00:53:28.820 i think

00:53:29.500 yeah but are you going to eat it

00:53:30.760 no

00:53:31.360 i think

00:53:32.600 you wanted a flat chocolate

00:53:33.700 octavian you said

00:53:34.500 uh

00:53:35.560 i think

00:53:37.000 i think you might want to take that one

00:53:38.060 help me open this

00:53:39.140 help me open this

00:53:40.660 but toasty you don't even want to eat it

00:53:42.380 i think you'll like this octavian

00:53:43.860 why do you want to open it if you don't want to eat it

00:53:46.960 let me open this by myself

00:53:52.520 let me see what is it

00:53:53.640 do you know what that is that's gum

00:53:54.800 gum

00:53:55.660 you want to eat it

00:53:56.280 gum

00:53:56.660 no thanks

00:53:58.120 i want to eat gum

00:53:59.380 you want to eat gum

00:54:01.740 jam i want gum

00:54:03.140 where's the gum

00:54:05.080 this is the strangest halloween i've ever seen

00:54:08.620 this is his first year doing a real halloween

00:54:11.380 this is his first year doing a real halloween

00:54:15.620 see i like them

00:54:16.620 see i like them on the top

00:54:19.620 what do you like toasty

00:54:21.620 i like stuff in there

00:54:23.340 okay do you like laffy taffy

00:54:26.060 let me open this

00:54:28.060 okay here do you want me to open it for you

00:54:30.640 yes

00:54:31.340 i got this for you

00:54:33.520 it must be stuff

00:54:34.700 it must be stuff

00:54:36.400 look at this

00:54:37.260 okay let's throw this in

00:54:40.180 here i'm gonna open this for you

00:54:41.900 oh look here it is it's food

00:54:43.660 it's food

00:54:45.540 yeah it's food

00:54:47.240 are you going to eat that food

00:54:52.740 here toasty look at some food

00:54:56.360 do you want to eat it

00:54:57.240 we're not going to have you open this

00:55:00.860 this is solid

00:55:01.820 toasty

00:55:07.780 you better eat your halloween candy

00:55:09.840 you better eat it till you're sick

00:55:11.960 toasty daddy will take a bite to test it

00:55:15.000 to make sure it's safe

00:55:15.700 i want to eat it

00:55:16.940 do you want me to test it

00:55:17.940 you can't eat it

00:55:20.480 well gum is for chewing

00:55:22.280 it's such yummy food

00:55:23.940 no

00:55:24.820 you better put that back

00:55:27.860 yes you have to look

00:55:29.580 visible and beautiful

00:55:31.780 for reasons

00:55:35.160 i don't know why i married you

00:55:37.000 yeah you do though

00:55:39.280 yeah it worked out well

00:55:41.740 it worked out well

00:55:42.780 i had to fight for it

00:55:43.940 but man i got what i came for

00:55:46.800 and then

00:55:47.900 did you want marriage when you first found me

00:55:50.140 no

00:55:52.440 no you you know what i wanted

00:55:54.940 when you just wanted sex

00:55:57.920 you were like

00:55:58.560 i didn't know i didn't want

00:55:59.780 i wanted to fall in love

00:56:01.240 and have my heart broken

00:56:02.260 and live alone forever

00:56:03.180 you know exactly what i wanted

00:56:04.620 i was so clear about it

00:56:05.980 and sex was a part of that

00:56:07.720 sex was a part of it

00:56:09.400 yes

00:56:09.900 yes

00:56:11.680 and yes you were

00:56:13.000 very much my type

00:56:14.700 so

00:56:15.320 which is actually something

00:56:17.160 i want to get into in this episode

00:56:18.520 so i'll get started with that

00:56:20.020 dive in

00:56:20.860 do you know what i mean

00:56:23.100 and then what i had minus

00:56:26.180 and then

00:56:26.640 i mean

00:56:27.200 there's no

00:56:28.580 what i have

00:56:29.400 and then

00:56:30.880 i want to get to

00:56:33.360 because i'm really

00:56:33.740 saying

00:56:34.560 i sat in the house

00:56:36.360 that i wanted to

00:56:37.560 see you

00:56:38.160 in the house

00:56:39.100 whatever

00:56:39.600 you

00:56:39.980 you

00:56:40.060 go

00:56:40.280 guys

00:56:40.700 in the house

Based Camp - November 01, 2024

The Science and History of 'Love at First Sight'

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