00:00:30.000All right, you guys. Today marks the one-year anniversary of Charlie's death. Obviously, a lot has changed since September 10th. Our world and certainly my world is never going to be the same. I had been thinking of what to share with you guys on this day, what message to share with you.
00:00:45.420more memories of Charlie, of course, but I also thought it would be a good idea to take you guys
00:00:49.940through some journaling that I did throughout this year. Obviously not all of it, but I found
00:00:56.400that it did help me emotionally throughout the year to write, to write to Charlie. And obviously
00:01:02.780I wish I also wasn't eight months pregnant doing this when I'm already in a heightened emotional
00:01:06.440state, but there's not really much I can do about that. So here goes nothing. This first bit I wrote
00:01:12.260in mid-October when we were out in Wyoming. Okay, it reads. Dear Charlie, I'm really mad at you for
00:01:21.980being dead. I don't really know how else to open it or how else to say it. I'm sure there are
00:01:27.720softer or kinder things that I could have gone with, but you know, I'm just so upset with you
00:01:31.700for not listening to me. You never really listened to me. I'm in Wyoming right now, which is one of
00:01:36.900our favorite states. We both loved the mountains, and it's reminding me of another time that you
00:01:41.300didn't listen to me. When I told you that running 10 miles every single day was too much on your
00:01:46.500body, that you were going to get injured, and then you did. You injured your back. You were always
00:01:51.740that way, Charlie, like you just couldn't do anything halfway. That's why you hated fishing.
00:01:56.080I really love that picture of us in British Columbia holding the big salmon because I can
00:02:00.500hear you and I remember so clearly as soon as the photo was taken, you said, ugh, disgusting.
00:02:06.040You never appreciated fishing because you weren't really made for slowing down. You always
00:02:10.160or doing 10 things at once. Anyway, I'm out here because your death almost drove me insane.
00:02:17.580You won't believe it, but I actually did the thing. It was oddly clinical. I started
00:02:21.740making my way through the quote-unquote stages of grief. I wept for weeks, and I now realize why we
00:02:28.940don't use that verb very often, to weep, because it's different from crying. It just comes from a
00:02:34.260different place. It's distinctly guttural, almost animalistic sounding, and I want you to know that
00:02:39.960I weep for you, Charlie. I also have to say that I don't need you haunting me in my sleep. I can
00:02:46.120feel your presence in a way that feels haunting. The dreams are too vivid, and I know deep down
00:02:52.940that they're not just dreams. I think I know how you felt back in 2018. My priest tells me that
00:02:59.260you're likely in purgatory and that I need to pray for your soul. I don't really know how it works
00:03:03.880when you become disincarnate, but I want you to know that I already know, so you don't need to
00:03:08.860keep insisting. You know, before we even found out that you didn't make it, I knew you were
00:03:14.540betrayed. I told George that as we prayed in his office, I said, they betrayed him. He replied,
00:03:21.280we don't know anything yet. And I said, no, I do know. Because I did know. Instantly, Charlie,
00:03:27.420like an old memory had just been triggered. I also know that they're not going to get away
00:03:33.000with it. They made a mistake. The devil overplayed his hand this time. I have this deep sense that
00:03:38.600They wanted me to see you die. The manner in which it was broadcast globally all across social media doesn't make any sense. It defied algorithmic norms. Facebook, TikTok, X. Suddenly, all of their preventative measures that are designed to catch and remove violence from their platforms immediately malfunctioned that day. They wanted everyone to watch you die. For what reason, I'm not sure.
00:04:02.440i had to come get out to the mountains just to take a breath because i couldn't sleep i couldn't
00:04:09.320eat i had not had a spell of anorexia since my early 20s but the very first thing i did was i
00:04:16.260just stopped eating and i'm not proud of that but it was the only thing that i felt like i could
00:04:20.920immediately control it was for me wyoming or a sanitarium now i'll never forget the moment and
00:04:28.540the way that George looked at me across the table as I sat there moving somewhere between the grief
00:04:34.840stages of bargaining and denial. And I was trying to convince him, but mostly I was trying to
00:04:39.820convince myself that maybe there was a chance that you were alive. I said to him, maybe he's
00:04:47.120in witness protection. And George looked at me with all of the strength and the paradoxical
00:04:52.900gentleness that it takes to break reality to someone that you love and he said I think he's
00:04:58.600dead honey I think Charlie's dead I think at that time he knew that it was time for me to get away
00:05:05.900I was then made to suffer through watching so many people in the political sphere
00:05:12.740act like flesh flies and maggots invading your corpse people who hated you selling t-shirts and
00:05:19.520mugs in your name. Charlie, you're not going to believe me, but Ben Shapiro of all people slid0.51
00:05:24.460into your studio within days, $1 million in hand. He told the world he was going to pick up your
00:05:31.680bloody mic. We'll see about that one. On a similar note, I have to tell you that your memorial was0.98
00:05:38.720really weird. It was like an RNC rally. There was just no personality. There was no heart. There was
00:05:44.960a bunch of suits that were up there telling us how much you loved politics. It was like no one
00:05:50.800knew who you were outside of this conservative whiz kid with a vision to build a student
00:05:56.920organization. And they had Susie Wiles speaking. I mean, does anyone believe that you had a vision
00:06:03.520for Susie Wiles to speak at your funeral one day?
00:06:06.660i've done my best to correct the record arena and john mappen attended that memorial and arena felt
00:06:17.280that there was something off immediately for one she told me that she had never seen so many people
00:06:23.160speaking her native language russian in arizona and i want you to know that when i was drowning
00:06:29.200demanding answers to what really happened on september 10th she and john tossed me a lifesaver
00:06:34.660They were your real friends, and they wrote me the most beautiful open letter in your honor, a letter to the world, and it gave me the strength to fight another day.
00:06:45.820They wrote, in part, Charlie's execution is an assassination with potentially far-reaching political consequences for America and the world.
00:06:56.460What we have seen so far beggars belief.
00:06:59.500A crime scene apparently completely destroyed in days and plenty of evidence that simply does not add up.
00:07:05.280This investigation and the truthful answer as to who was really responsible for deciding that Charlie would be executed in front of the world
00:07:11.780will affect America's future, its collective soul, and its conscience forever.
00:07:17.220The truth, when known, and we believe that it will be known, will have far-reaching international consequences.
00:07:23.220The very idea that someone could be convicted and could receive the death penalty
00:07:26.360when there remains even the slightest shadow of doubt or a shred of uncertainty,
00:07:30.700that they may be guilty of that crime0.98
00:07:32.700and that Christian souls would tolerate that possibility
00:07:34.960is anathema to all teachings of Christ.0.98
00:07:37.940We are growing rather sick and ashamed
00:15:59.480yeah he's at war to stay true to himself it the money is tempting that's why he's looking at his
00:16:10.580necklace he's at war to not become a part of the machine and he wins that verse too the album that
00:16:17.260he dropped despite his first cancellation sword's number one he took home a grammy for best rap
00:16:22.340album for my beautiful dark twisted fan fantasy but it's the last verse that's the most important
00:16:28.400I told you, and it's the easiest one to misunderstand, politics. He writes, quote,
00:16:34.940they say I was the abomination, the abomination of Obama's nation. That's a pretty bad way to
00:16:40.300start the conversation. Now the media realizes that Kanye has become too influential. He's
00:16:46.360stepping on the toes of the more powerful people in the world, the oldest institutions. And guess
00:16:50.760what, Charlie? Never believed this, but since you passed and I declared war on the liars who lie0.95
00:16:55.940about everything. They're saying I'm the abomination of Trump's nation. Trump actually
00:17:01.040tweeted out a photo of me sick in a mock-up of Time magazine calling me the most vile person of
00:17:06.820the year. So I officially made it to the third verse of power, too. Anyway, what does Kanye do
00:17:12.160about it? Well, Kanye's harder. He knows that this is the big one, and he's presenting like
00:17:16.620he's confident and like he's okay, but he's anything but. He says, how's Ye doing? I'm
00:17:22.660surviving. I was drinking earlier and now I'm driving. Where are the bad ladies, huh? Where
00:17:27.520are y'all hiding? I have the power to make your life so exciting. But it's not what it seems
00:17:32.040because he's leaning into his ego. And if you listen closely, the word exciting actually turns
00:17:37.080into suicide. And he echoes that suicide, suicide, because this fight is taking everything out of
00:17:43.340him, the fight to stay true to himself. But he'd rather accept death than become someone that he's
00:17:49.400not because that would be a death to his soul.
00:17:53.960And he knows that if he dies being true to who he is,
00:17:57.040then it will have been a beautiful death.
00:17:58.840And that's the best part of the entire song.
00:18:19.400Oh, hey, oh, hey, oh, hey, hey, hey, let us be a beautiful death, jumping out the window, I'm letting everything go, I'm letting everything go.
00:20:31.220Yet I've never met an adversary who could offer me what we Spartans call a beautiful death.
00:20:37.000I can only hope that with all the world's warriors gathered against us,
00:20:41.740there might be one down there who's up to the task.
00:20:50.840That was the inspiration. And I just want you to know that I know that you made it to the third
00:20:57.880verse and the whole world knows that you were under immense political pressure with Israel0.64
00:21:02.160and that they had you surrounded and that your life became the Truman Show, but you chose to
00:21:07.140die with your soul intact. And that's why the last sentence in the song is a question. Do you have
00:21:12.960the power to let power go? And you certainly did, Charlie, and I'm really proud of you for that.
00:21:37.140I'm doing something mean to it. Do it better than anybody you've ever seen. Do it. Screams from the haters. Got a nice ring to it. I guess every super you're going to need this theme music. No one man should have all that power. The clock's ticking, I just count the hours. Stop tripping, I'm tripping off the power.
00:21:57.120Hey Charlie, we are now coming up on your one year death anniversary and I want you to know
00:22:11.540that I can laugh again, like really laugh. I was in Spain when it happened for the first time.
00:22:16.460A girlfriend of mine got really excited about something that was ridiculous. It was one of
00:22:20.620those things that's not worth explaining because you did have to be there, but the relevant point
00:22:24.120is that I belly laughed, I had tears in my eyes,
00:25:37.460I'm talking personal letters that you wrote, the tent that you died beneath, the microphone that you were holding, and I'm finally at the point where I can just laugh at it all because the Department of War is sending out the real crazies now.
00:25:53.920I went to Ye's concert last week. You're not going to believe it, but after six years, he returned to Chicago, and he did it during the week of your anniversary.
00:26:01.920I had been trying for over a year to get his song Ghost Town for my podcast intro, best song on the Ye album.
00:26:10.460And you remember when you flew me out to Wyoming where he recorded that?
00:26:18.020I arrived at his album release party and I just kept replaying that track for you over and over and over again.
00:26:24.240Kid Cudi is featured in the vocals of that, but Ye and Kid Cudi then had a massive public falling out in 2022.
00:26:31.920So you have to imagine my shock and surprise when he brought him out on stage to close the show
00:26:37.100and they sang that exact song. I honestly could not believe it. It all came together. The Wyoming
00:26:43.180album. One year on, Ghost Town. I was losing my mind because it's been a long year. The lowest
00:26:49.480lows of my life, without a doubt. I was just surviving for a little bit, for a long time,
00:26:53.820but now I'm back. And the whole world knows that you were betrayed. The whole world knows that
00:26:59.540your assassination was ordered by the most powerful people in the world. But you should
00:27:04.220also know that your name is trending every day. And I keep telling everyone that I feel you with
00:27:12.040me in a positive way now. Like we're reunited on stage again too, doing one last tour.
00:27:19.400You were right, Charlie. Your death came early and you did nothing to stop that. And that took
00:27:24.280a tremendous amount of bravery. You were right when you wrote that you would have to choose
00:27:28.980between those you love and your mission.
00:27:33.360Ghost Town, the song, is about a choice too,
00:27:35.460trying for a long time to make the world love you
00:27:38.620before you realize that there's no freedom in that,
00:27:42.100and that the happy ending is in freeing yourself