Classically Abby - 10 Things YOU Should Know BEFORE Choosing A HUSBAND ｜｜ Time for a wife talk!

00:00:00.040 Hello, Classic Crew, and welcome to today's video where we're going to be talking about

00:00:04.840 10 things you should know when finding a husband.

00:00:10.840 So I think we can all agree that dating for marriage is hard. It's complicated specifically

00:00:16.980 because you are looking for someone to spend your entire life with. You are looking for someone who

00:00:22.140 shares your values, who shares life goals, who you could see spending an entire lifetime with.

00:00:27.440 And this is why it's harder than just dating for fun. When you're dating for fun, all you're looking

00:00:32.520 for is chemistry. You're just looking for someone who fits with you and who you like hanging out with

00:00:36.480 and who you have a good time with, and then when you're two years down the road and you haven't

00:00:41.040 answered any of the big questions that would determine if you guys can actually stay together,

00:00:44.780 that's when things get hard. But initially, when you're dating for fun, it's not nearly as complicated

00:00:49.340 as when you're dating for marriage because you're not asking the big questions. You're not thinking

00:00:54.080 long term. So what ends up happening, of course, when you're dating for fun is that you have the big

00:00:58.400 sad and messy breakups when people have all of the emotions tied in but haven't really dealt with

00:01:03.740 the compatibility part of their relationship, only the chemistry stuff. But when you're dating for

00:01:08.280 marriage, things are different. You're looking for someone who you could marry. You're looking for a 0.58

00:01:13.140 husband, and you're looking for someone who you could spend your life with. And so you're going to be

00:01:16.720 asking some big questions. So today I wanted to share with you guys 10 things I think you should know

00:01:22.120 about the guy that you're looking to marry, 10 things you should maybe ask or have in mind.

00:01:27.080 And I want to preface in this video that all of these questions you also need to think about for

00:01:31.980 yourself. When you get married, it's not only the other person who causes problems in your

00:01:36.400 relationship, it is also you. It takes two to tango, and it takes two to get in an argument,

00:01:41.440 and it takes two to make a marriage work. So it's absolutely on you to actually make sure that you

00:01:47.380 are ready to get married, that you are the best version of yourself, and that you've dealt with

00:01:52.660 all of these things. But you also need to have a discerning eye when you're choosing someone to

00:01:57.700 spend your life with, because you don't want to ignore red flags. You don't want to ignore

00:02:01.420 problems that might come up later in your relationship. So I think it's really important

00:02:05.700 to keep these 10 things in mind. There are many more things that you should be keeping in mind,

00:02:09.840 of course, but I thought I would just start with these 10 for today. So let's get into it.

00:02:14.220 So the first and most important question I think you need to get out of the way very early on is

00:02:20.500 if he wants children. Meeting a guy who doesn't want children, and then getting really involved,

00:02:26.540 and if you want children, that is something that is just never going to work out. No matter how great

00:02:32.720 your chemistry is, no matter if you share values, no matter if your goals look similar, or if your future

00:02:38.060 looks bright, if one of you wants children and the other one doesn't, it just won't work.

00:02:43.900 Having children is such a huge part of life, and it's something that you can't really ever get

00:02:49.500 over. You can't say, oh, I wanted children, but I loved him so much that I gave it up. It so rarely

00:02:56.140 happens that you will feel fulfilled and have meaning in your life if you give up on something

00:03:00.920 that is so fundamentally part of your future. So one of the most important questions and something

00:03:06.460 you have to ask early on is if the guy that you're interested in is interested in having kids,

00:03:11.620 because otherwise you guys just aren't going to work. If you are somebody who cares about being

00:03:17.400 a mom, this is not something you can just hide under the rug for later. You're going to have to 1.00

00:03:21.920 deal with it. It is going to come up, and it may be painful when it does. Now this is something that

00:03:26.480 actually, if you've watched the show Bridgerton, then you will know what I'm talking about, because

00:03:31.600 it is a very painful situation in that show. I won't get into it too much because I don't want to give

00:03:35.820 spoilers. But if it's something that you want, if you want to have a family, if you want to have

00:03:40.220 children, you have to make sure that the guy that you choose as a husband is on the same page.

00:03:45.780 Number two is do you share the same faith and or values? These are things that I think are really

00:03:52.000 important. I did an entire video on why you should marry within your faith. I think that it is really

00:03:58.320 important to find somebody who can boost you and support you in your faith and who you can boost and

00:04:03.700 support in theirs. And the two of you can grow together to really explore what you believe as

00:04:10.360 a team. There's much more that I go into in that video. But the thing about sharing faith and sharing

00:04:16.860 values is that this stuff doesn't just matter for the two of you and your personal growth, which is

00:04:21.820 really important and is something that you really should be getting from your partner. But more than

00:04:27.860 that is when you raise a family and when you do have children. If you guys are not on the same page

00:04:33.000 about what to value, what's important, what faith you want to raise your children in, that relationship

00:04:39.140 is going to suffer. And the home that you're building is not going to have that stability

00:04:43.300 that you want. Because the fact is, if you guys don't agree on these really fundamental things on

00:04:50.000 what you think is important to teach your children, that's going to create so much friction throughout

00:04:56.760 your marriage. And of course, we all have little disagreements with our spouses. That's normal.

00:05:01.640 But these big things you really can't disagree on. The things that you want to instill in your

00:05:06.440 children. The things that you want to encourage in them. Those are things that you need to share

00:05:11.540 and you need to believe in as a team. Because if you don't, then you will be at odds constantly about

00:05:17.520 how you guys should be imparting knowledge to your children. And that is not something that you want

00:05:23.260 to get into. And again, this doesn't only pertain to children. This does pertain to your growth as a

00:05:29.020 human being and his growth as a human being. And if the two of you have different values,

00:05:34.340 have different faith, then you may end up growing in different directions. And you would really want

00:05:39.380 to hope that the two of you are encouraging each other to grow. And that is something that you can

00:05:44.860 do as a team or you can do as adversaries. And if you are on the same team, it will make things

00:05:49.580 so much easier. Number three is, is he extroverted or introverted? This is something that's going to

00:05:55.820 come into play in your marriage very frequently. And something I kind of thought about when my

00:06:00.680 husband and I met, but it wasn't something I realized would be so pertinent in our day-to-day

00:06:06.060 lives. My husband is an incredibly extroverted person. It's something that I adore about him.

00:06:11.940 And it's what attracted me to him initially because I come off as very extroverted, but I actually am a

00:06:18.640 little bit more introverted. I enjoy going to parties. I enjoy hanging out with people. But at the end of

00:06:23.900 the day, I do need some time to recover if I spend a lot of time with people. My husband, he recovers

00:06:29.900 and gets his energy from other people. He loves being around people all the time. So this is

00:06:35.460 something that it really is a balance when we both love to have people over, but he could have people

00:06:40.860 over every single night of the week and be happy. I would love to have people over maybe three nights

00:06:44.580 a week. And it's something you have to work out. Knowing what the guy that you choose to be your

00:06:48.500 husband is like is going to be really important. Because let's say the guy that you end up with is

00:06:53.720 very introverted. Maybe he doesn't really like going to events and like going to parties, but you

00:06:58.000 absolutely love it. Well, that just means that you are going to have to figure out, am I okay with going

00:07:03.700 to events alone? If he doesn't want to come with me, is that going to be okay with me? If it is, great!

00:07:09.780 That's awesome! You have a perfect match. If you're not, then maybe you have to talk to each other and

00:07:15.380 figure out, okay, how can we make this work? These kinds of things are not necessarily deal breakers,

00:07:20.060 but they are things to be aware of. It's things that you want to find somebody who does kind of

00:07:25.720 fit in with how you want to live your life. And if somebody is not interested in hanging out with

00:07:30.900 anyone ever, and you are somebody who wants to hang out with people every single day, it might make

00:07:36.300 some friction there. It might make things a little bit more difficult. For Jacob and me, it worked out

00:07:40.280 really well because I'm extroverted enough for him. And I love that he's extroverted because that means

00:07:45.380 that when we go to a party and I'm just feeling a little bit more introverted that night, he can

00:07:49.880 take the lead. He can talk more in a conversation and I can take a little bit more of a backseat.

00:07:54.280 And I've talked about this on my channel before, but early on in my dating career, I was putting out

00:07:59.400 a vibe of being very extroverted and I was attracting introverts. And so I felt very pressured when we went

00:08:05.400 in social situations to take the lead constantly. And it was a little bit exhausting. And when I actually

00:08:11.660 embraced my more introverted side, that's when I met Jacob, and it made me feel so much more comfortable

00:08:17.760 that he could take the lead and he liked taking the lead and he liked being more extroverted. So finding

00:08:22.800 somebody who's extroverted or introverted and fits more with your personality and who you can work with in that

00:08:29.360 way, because let's say you're an introvert and you want to be with someone who's more introverted because both of you

00:08:34.340 like staying home more. That is something that day-to-day will just reduce any sort of disagreements

00:08:40.740 because you guys will tend to understand each other when it comes to how often you want to go out or not.

00:08:47.980 Number four is does he take criticism well? When you get married, there are going to be a lot of times

00:08:53.600 that the two of you, each one of you, is going to come to the other with a problem, with something they're annoyed

00:08:58.540 about. And you have to be able to hear your partner and accept it and take in whether or not,

00:09:05.860 okay, is this valid? What can I change? What can I do to make this relationship flow smoothly?

00:09:12.000 And if the man that you're dating is not good at taking criticism and actually takes it really badly,

00:09:19.300 that is really hard to work with in a marriage. You want to be with somebody who is open to hearing

00:09:24.880 what you have to say. And of course, that also is on you to present your criticisms in a kind and loving

00:09:30.620 way. You never want to be harsh or mean, but it means that if you do come to them with a small issue,

00:09:37.580 they'll be able to handle it. If you are with somebody who really cannot hear any criticism,

00:09:42.880 it's going to make things hard. It's going to make things tricky. This is something I love and

00:09:48.340 appreciate about my husband is that when I come to him and I say, you know, I'm having an issue here or

00:09:52.560 something is bothering me, he will 100% sit down and listen. And he'll always try and think of ways

00:09:59.140 to improve on that. And thank God, I do think I'm similar. If he comes to me and he presents a problem,

00:10:06.060 sometimes it's hard to hear, of course, but I really do try to incorporate a solution into our lives.

00:10:13.800 So when you're looking for the right guy, make sure that he can take criticism well so that you guys can have

00:10:19.620 the kind of relationship where you can come to one another with your problems and solve them.

00:10:24.420 Number five is what is his family dynamic like? Now, this will come into play in two different ways.

00:10:30.080 The first is that the way that somebody interacts with their family will very much influence how they

00:10:34.420 interact with you. So if he comes from a family that everything is really kind and loving, then he'll

00:10:41.360 probably be that way to you. If he comes from a family where yelling is considered appropriate,

00:10:45.820 you might find that he thinks yelling is appropriate in your home. If he comes from a 1.00

00:10:51.040 situation where people will poke fun at each other, then you might find that he pokes more fun at you

00:10:55.880 or teases you. Just knowing what the family dynamic is like means that you can kind of trace where those

00:11:03.360 behaviors are coming from. And that is super helpful in a marriage because if you think that somebody's

00:11:09.680 just doing something because they're mean, you won't necessarily realize that maybe that's not mean in

00:11:14.400 their family. Maybe in their family that was considered funny or it was considered okay behavior.

00:11:20.120 And to you, maybe your family, that wasn't okay. Or if it's positive, if he's very kind and loving, then when

00:11:27.340 you visit his family, you'll kind of know how to interact. It's all just more information for you to know

00:11:32.920 going into marriage. And it's super helpful. The other reason you should know what his family dynamic is like

00:11:39.000 is because it will affect you. When you marry someone, you don't just marry them, you marry their

00:11:43.840 family. And it is a huge blessing to be part of another family. I am so blessed. I have a wonderful

00:11:49.880 relationship with my husband's family. I absolutely love them. I honestly feel so lucky every day for

00:11:56.320 this reason. And it's something that I constantly am telling my friends. It's that if you marry somebody,

00:12:02.260 you're not just marrying them. You're marrying their family. Now, does that mean that if somebody comes 0.96

00:12:05.600 from a bad background, you shouldn't marry them? Absolutely not. It just means that it might be a little

00:12:09.860 bit harder when you have to go home for the holidays or whatever it is. As opposed to marrying someone

00:12:16.060 who has a really great family, you will have that as an added benefit. So it's not to say it should change

00:12:22.240 your opinion about someone either way. It just means that you will be recognizing kind of what you're walking

00:12:29.220 into. And marrying someone's family, that is part of it. That's part and parcel of your marriage.

00:12:35.680 Number six is, is he emotionally intelligent? Now, this is something I think is much more common

00:12:41.800 nowadays is that men are emotionally intelligent. Men want to hear what's going on with you and they

00:12:47.260 want to help. In a marriage, you want to be able to go to your husband with your problems. You want

00:12:53.280 to be able to go to your husband and talk about if you had a bad day or if something made you

00:12:58.080 emotional. You want to be able to go to your husband with those things. And having a husband who can

00:13:04.160 hear you and who's emotionally intelligent and wants to help, it's so nice. Some men are not

00:13:10.640 understanding and they don't get it and they don't want to really deal with it. That is not ideal in

00:13:15.720 my opinion. If you can find a husband who wants to help you and wants to understand, even if he

00:13:20.760 doesn't actually fully understand, emotional intelligence isn't just, I've been through that

00:13:26.180 and now I understand it so I can help. It's also, I can listen to you and I can help because I want

00:13:33.300 to listen to you. And that stuff is so important and so lovely in a marriage. And when you actually

00:13:39.380 have that support, it makes such a huge difference. So making sure while you're dating that the guy

00:13:45.700 that you're seeing and the guy that you might be considering for a husband can actually be there

00:13:50.400 for you will just make a huge difference in your marriage. Number seven is obvious, but of course,

00:13:56.160 do you have chemistry? You can't marry someone just based on compatibility. Just because it works on

00:14:01.200 paper doesn't mean it's going to work in practice. So you want to obviously make sure that you and the

00:14:06.400 guy that you're marrying have chemistry, love spending time with each other, are attracted to

00:14:11.360 each other. These are things that of course matter. And I am a huge proponent of having both chemistry

00:14:17.040 and compatibility. You can't skip either one. They're both incredibly important. So making sure

00:14:22.480 that the person you end up with, you have a lot of fun with. You enjoy. You want to be with. You

00:14:26.880 want to be with them when you're not. That stuff is so, I love that about marriage is that my husband

00:14:34.720 is my best friend. I love him. I love hanging out with him. I'm attracted to him. I enjoy his company.

00:14:40.640 These are things that make marriage fun and make marriage special. And I just obviously, whoever

00:14:48.880 you choose to marry, you have to have chemistry with. Number eight is, does he want the best for

00:14:54.320 you? Now this has two meanings. The first meaning is, does he support you? Does he want you to succeed

00:15:00.560 in what you want to succeed in? Does he encourage you to pursue the things that matter to you? And does

00:15:04.960 he help you? I mean, these are things that are so important in a marriage. You want a spouse who,

00:15:10.400 who's rooting for you. And I've always felt really supported by Jacob. He's so, so supportive. It's

00:15:16.640 something I think is, it's so important. You really can't be in a strong marriage if the person you're

00:15:21.760 with doesn't support you and doesn't bolster you along the way. And of course, we do that for our

00:15:26.560 husbands. Husbands do that for their wives. It's really important to find somebody who is going to

00:15:30.800 support you. Now the other part of it is, does he want the best for who you are? Is he going to help

00:15:37.760 you grow? Is he going to encourage you to be the best version of you? Does he allow you to stagnate?

00:15:44.720 You want to be with someone who's going to make you be the best version of you. Something I really

00:15:49.840 love about Jacob is that he does ask more of me. He wants me to be the best version of myself.

00:15:57.920 And I do the same for him. And it is so important. I think both of us look back at who we were when

00:16:02.960 we got married. And I think we would both say that at this point we've become better people.

00:16:07.920 And you want to be a better person through your marriage. And you want your husband to encourage

00:16:12.400 that for you. And so finding a man who makes you want to be better. And when you're finding a guy that

00:16:19.600 you want to get married to, finding someone who does encourage you to grow and be the best version of

00:16:24.640 yourself. Even if it's just something like recommending good books to you. And bringing

00:16:29.360 you to museums. And kind of increasing your knowledge. But also making you better. And

00:16:35.600 that stuff is so incredibly important when you're looking for a spouse. Number nine is, does he have

00:16:42.160 good friends? Now when I say good friends, I mean people who you would consider to be good people.

00:16:47.360 Because the people that you hang around with are the people who will influence you.

00:16:50.880 And if the guy that you're dating is hanging around with other guys that you don't respect.

00:16:55.280 That you don't think are good guys. That's not a great thing. Because you want your husband to be

00:17:00.960 influenced by the best kind of people. You want to make sure that he's spending time with good men.

00:17:05.440 Because good men make other men better. And the last thing you should know when you're looking for

00:17:09.600 a husband is, does he take care of himself? You want a healthy husband. You want a man who's going to 0.99

00:17:16.080 be with you throughout your life. You want a man who's going to be able to take care of you.

00:17:20.240 Take care of himself. Take care of your children. Be able to be strong and healthy. And does that

00:17:26.800 mean he has to look like a Greek god? No. It just means he needs to care for himself. So when you're

00:17:33.440 dating, does he exercise? Does he try and eat healthy? Because ending up with a guy who doesn't take good

00:17:40.320 care of himself. Honestly, that's a huge stressor to be with somebody who you're not sure how healthy

00:17:46.400 they will be and for how long. It is so comforting to know when you're with a guy that he's taking

00:17:53.120 care of himself. Because that's one thing that's off your plate. You don't have to worry that he's

00:17:57.680 not. And you want somebody who's going to be strong and able to protect you and able to support you.

00:18:02.800 So keeping an eye out and seeing does this guy take care of himself, that can make him a really good

00:18:07.120 husband. And of course, if he takes care of himself, it also shows that he can take care of others.

00:18:11.120 And that is really special and an important quality in a husband. So those are the 10 things

00:18:17.520 you should know when finding a husband. I hope you guys enjoyed today's video. Let me know in the

00:18:22.640 comments which of these things you think is the most important. I'd love to hear. Thank you guys so

00:18:28.240 much for watching today's video. Please subscribe to my channel. It really helps me out when you guys do

00:18:32.960 that. Please hit that notification bell. It'll let you know whenever I post a new video.

00:18:36.960 You can follow me absolutely everywhere at Classically Abbey. And if you'd like to support

00:18:41.680 my channel, you can head over to classicallyabbey.locals.com, and you will get ad-free

00:18:46.560 versions of these videos. Thank you guys so much for watching today's video, and I'll see you guys in

00:18:51.200 the next one. Bye!

00:18:55.920 Bye.

00:19:01.760 Bye.

00:19:09.060 Bye.

00:19:09.920 Bye.

00:19:10.500 Bye.

00:19:10.680 Bye.

00:19:11.940 Bye.

00:19:12.380 Bye.

00:19:13.220 Bye.

00:19:18.900 Bye.

00:19:19.700 Bye.

00:19:21.140 Bye.

00:19:22.160 Bye.

00:19:22.700 Bye.

00:19:23.060 Bye.

Classically Abby - January 13, 2021

10 Things YOU Should Know BEFORE Choosing A HUSBAND ｜｜ Time for a wife talk!

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript