5 Ways To Be A Good Friend That Go Beyond ＂YOU DO YOU＂ ｜｜ Friendship is so much more than that...
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Summary
In this episode, I talk about 5 ways that you can actually be a better friend than just telling your friends to do whatever you want even if what they're doing is going to make them unhappy. I also talk about the difference between real friendships and the kind of friendships that are encouraged by modern media.
Transcript
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hello beautiful ladies and welcome to today's video where we're going to be talking about
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five ways to be a good friend that go beyond you do you
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one of the things i've noticed about being a woman in 2020 is the kind of friendships that
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are encouraged by modern media a lot of it is about supporting your friends and just telling
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them to do what they want you do you and the idea of confronting your friends with advice
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or actually giving them a different alternative to what they're doing now even if what they're
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doing is making them unhappy is not allowed you're not allowed to do that and as i was thinking about
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that idea it started to snowball into all of the different ways that you can actually be a better
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friend what's interesting is that when i was getting my masters i actually kind of believed
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in that idea i thought it was important to just support your friends no matter what they did even
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as you saw them making choices that were making them unhappy i said to myself you know what it's
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not my business what my friends are doing i don't need to get involved it's their own thing and i'll
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just be there at the end of the day to support them and it was a pervasive thing that yeah you just
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tell your friends they're doing a great job even if you care about them and you can see what they're
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doing is making them unhappy i actually started thinking about friendship more and in a different
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way when i met my husband my husband is an only child and so he treats friendships the way that many
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people treat family members and i never really did that because i had a bigger family growing up
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and when i met my husband i saw him confront his friends about things that they were doing in their
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behaviors and i kind of was taken aback it was a surprise for me that that was something that you
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could do he took the risk of talking to his friends about things that could bother them that
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i started to see friendship in a whole new light part of that i think is that men's relationships are very different
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than women's relationships and i know that with my female friends i have to be very sensitive about
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the way i approach topics with them i have to say i really love you and i care about you and this is
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why i want to talk about things whereas with a guy friend i can just be like you're doing something
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stupid stop it and of course this leads into a whole host of topics about friendship so i want
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to talk about five different ways that you can actually be a better friend than just telling your
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friends hey do whatever you want even if what you're doing is going to make you unhappy so let's
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get started so the first thing i want to talk about and probably the biggest topic is to actually give
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your friends advice and not just sit on the sidelines and say you do you i hate that phrase
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the phrase you do you drives me a little bit crazy because the fact is your choices are not always
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going to be the best and sometimes you need somebody outside of what you're doing to actually be
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able to give you a different perspective i think friendships and especially female friendships
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which can be a little bit more sensitive have turned into something that is just about hanging
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out with someone and enjoying their company and to me friendship is so much more than that now i only
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say this because i used to be the kind of friend who would say you do you and go out and do whatever
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you want and it was because i didn't know if my friendships would survive me actually telling my friend
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what i thought about those decisions now what i want to say before i get into this whole thing is
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that it's not about judgment it's not about looking at your friend and saying you're doing something
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stupid and i don't like it it's seeing a friend's choices and wanting to help them because you care
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about them there's such a big difference between judging someone because you think it's weird or stupid
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or bad that they're doing something but you don't actually care about their well-being and offering
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advice because you love someone and you want the best for them real friendships are the ones where
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you can go to a friend and tell them that you see something wrong with what they're doing and that
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you think that they could do better and if they do better they'll feel better a weak friendship isn't
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going to survive one person going to the other and actually telling them that they shouldn't be doing
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a certain thing or maybe that they should rethink a decision a weak friendship is built on just hanging
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out it's built on just doing whatever you want and hoping that that other person will talk about it
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with you at the end of the day a good friendship a real friendship is one where you can actually give
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advice to the other person and really tell them that you're seeing them do something wrong i remember
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when i was in my masters i made some questionable decisions and my friends didn't speak up and i don't
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blame them for not speaking up not at all if our friendship was really strong i hope they would have
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come to me and that totally happened in the reverse as well i had friends who were making choices that
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were actively making them unhappy and i didn't feel comfortable telling them that maybe they
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should rethink those choices and go in a new direction i felt like i didn't have a role there
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to actually be a good friend and support my friends through those choices and i feel really bad about
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that because our friendship could have gotten so much stronger if we had been open about this is
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something i think would make you better here's some real advice i can be critical of you because i love
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you and because i care i also had some friends in my masters where we did speak up to each other
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and those friendships have lasted the others actually didn't those friendships were the ones
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where i felt like i could go to that friend and say you're doing something that's hurting you and you
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need to stop it and that friend we stayed close because she felt like i really cared about her and i
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went out of my way to say something and i've had those friends do the same for me saying are you sure you
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want to make this decision i don't think that's best for you when i was visiting los angeles i
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remember going out to lunch with a girlfriend of mine we were talking about one of my friends who
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she didn't know and i said you know i've been seeing that she's been doing some things that i
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don't think are going to make her happy in the long run they seem very short term and i'd like to
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see her do something better so i'm wondering if i should reach out maybe the two of us can grab coffee
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and this friend that i was out to lunch with at the time said to me that's not real friendship
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friendship is just supporting her no matter what she does that made me pause because i thought to
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myself oh that is not really what friendship is friendship is helping your friends make better
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decisions all of your relationships in life marriage friendships all of them should really
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be about how do we help each other so that at the end of the day we've grown and become better people
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not just let's hang out let's talk about whatever you want i don't care what choices you make because
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at the end of the day we can still get a drink afterwards those friendships are fine and those
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are what i would call peers or colleagues but i wouldn't call that a real friend because a real
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friend you go to because you want to get their advice a good example are the friends that i had who
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were hooking up with guys and then saying that oh it's casual i don't really have feelings for him
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but we're talking about the guy as if they had a future now in my masters i probably would have said to
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that friend you do you you know it's best for you you're keeping it casual don't worry about it
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now as somebody who really values my friendships i would go to that friend and i would say
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hey i can see that you're actually starting to have feelings for this guy even if you weren't i
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don't think that casual relationships are a great idea because they usually turn into that
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and you don't want to get hurt but especially now i'm seeing that this is a relationship that
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you think is going to have a future and i don't think that he believes the same thing
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and it's only going to hurt you so maybe you want to cut it off sooner rather than later
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that's what a real friend would say but a 2020 girlfriend would say you do you you live your best
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life i think the better friendship is the real friendship and the one where you can actually go
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to your friend and offer a piece of advice that would make her feel better in the long run my next
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piece of advice is if you're going to offer advice to your friends you need to be open to hear
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it yourself it's really hard to hear from your girlfriends that you're making a choice that might not be
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the best for you it's hard to hear it it's hard to listen and sometimes we lash out at the people
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who care for us the most but if you want to have a real friendship and have a friendship that's going
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to last a long time you need to be able to listen to your friends when they offer you that advice
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and they should be doing it in a loving and kind way and making it clear that it's because they love
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you that they're saying it but it is important for you to have an open heart and an open mind when your
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friend does offer advice because if you aren't open to it they won't be open to it either and that's
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the friendship that isn't going to last you need to be able to hear from your friends if you're
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doing something wrong sometimes we think that we know what we're doing and we're very clear headed
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about something but when you're in it it's very difficult to actually see what's going on sometimes
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that outside perspective of a good friend is actually going to help you but you need to be able to
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as a woman pause your feelings and say okay i know i'm getting upset i know that i don't want to
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hear this but that doesn't mean it's not worth hearing and it doesn't mean that this friend
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doesn't care about me this friend does still care about me that's especially why they're saying it
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that's why they're risking the friendship by actually giving you advice you may not want to
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hear it's hard to do that it's scary because you don't want to offend your friend that's the hardest
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thing is you don't want your friend to think you don't love them and that you do judge them without
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love but if you really want a good friendship that's a risk you have to be willing to take and you
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have to be the kind of friend who's willing to hear it my third piece of advice is be open and
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honest with your friends so they can be open and honest with you what am i talking about well
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one of the things that i love about my husband is that he is the kind of guy who's open immediately
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when he meets somebody he doesn't try and keep things under wraps or try to impress someone he's
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just immediately open he tells them whatever he wants to tell them and it doesn't feel like he's
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got a wall up and that means that people we meet become friends with us very quickly because they
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feel comfortable sharing too and i feel the same way i love just wearing my heart on my sleeve
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being very open telling people my stories and i love it when people feel open enough to share it
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with me too because those are friendships that are fun interesting you guys know that you can trust each
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other because you've trusted each other with information that maybe you don't want the whole world
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to know and so if you're open and honest then other people will be open and honest with you and then
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you can really build good friendships i love going to dinner with people and all of a sudden we're
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talking about our high school experiences and we don't even know how we got on the topic but the
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best relationships start with being open and honest with people especially people who you feel that you
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can trust now of course i'm not talking about just sharing everything willy-nilly with whoever you meet
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regardless of if they're a work colleague or if they're someone you shouldn't trust but i mean if you
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meet someone and you feel that you could actually begin a friendship with them you start off by
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being open and honest and they'll probably follow suit my next piece of advice is to stay friends
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with people even at different life stages so i know this is a really common thing for young women
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when a young woman gets married all of her single friends feel like they don't have a friend anymore
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she just kind of abandons them and jumps ship and i'm a married woman now and now i'm just going to
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hang out with my married woman friends i know that i'm still friends with a lot of my single friends and
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i'm going to stay friends with them as they get married so there's more of a transitional stage
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where okay right now you're single and i'm married but probably over time we're going to be in similar
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life stages and i hate the idea that you would abandon those friends who aren't married just because
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they're in a different stage of life you can still learn something from your single friends and they
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can still learn things from you because you're married and that's of course not the only life stage
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there's also the life stage of when you have children maybe you stop being friends with the girl who's
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married but doesn't have kids yet why would you do that you can always learn things from your friends
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you can always have friends who keep you accountable and you can always have friends who hey maybe you
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want to just take a night off and not talk about diapers and going out with your single friend you
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might end up talking about something you haven't even thought about for months being a good friend
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means sticking with your friends even if they're not going through the exact same thing as you are in
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your life and good friendships survive that stuff you want to stick with that friend who is going through
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different life stages than you are because you might end up learning things from each other that
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you wouldn't learn if you were just going through the exact same things at the exact same times
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of course having friends who are in the same life stage as you great but keeping those friendships
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that actually matter to you and that might not be exactly where you are in your stage of life
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still a great thing and really important you want to be the kind of person who people can count on
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and if you're the kind of person who abandons people once they're not doing exactly what you're up to
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i don't think that they can count on you i don't think most people would feel like they can count
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on you so be the kind of person who stays friends with people no matter what they're going through
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and i think this is even true going back to the first point if your friend continues to do something
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even after you've offered advice that doesn't mean you have to abandon them depending on how severe
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their choices are because they might still need you and you will be the friend who will keep them
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accountable and not everybody will so you can stay friends with people who aren't making the choices
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you would think are best for them if they're not going to reflect on you and you can still maintain
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that friendship it's all about being open being honest being there for your friends and helping
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them find their path to fulfillment my last piece of advice is kind of a funny one it seems like it's less
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important but i think it's really important and that is make life events celebrations being there
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for people's celebrations shows them you care if your friend has a party and it's for their 26th
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birthday and that matters to them try and go they want you there because they love you and they
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want to celebrate with you and if you don't go it shows that you don't care as much as they do and
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that's not a nice thing for a friend to hear if your friend is celebrating for her bridal shower
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you should go you should help her make it a great event if you can the best friends are the ones who
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want to celebrate with you because they're happy for you and even just saying hey how can i help you
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plan this or can i surprise her with something how can i be there all of that is just going to make
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her feel loved and will make you feel like she loves you too she wanted you there enough and she
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needs your help enough that she's willing to reach out most people in today's day and age i don't
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think feel super comfortable asking people for help and so if your friend is actually asking you
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for help it's because she trusts you enough to do it so making celebrations a big event being there to
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celebrate making the time for your friend making their events your events is really what it comes
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down to making their celebrations your celebrations is going to make you a good friend and is going to
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make your friend feel loved and that's what it should be at the end of the day all of this stuff is
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you guys love each other and care about each other and so you want the best for each other
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and you do what you can to help that person find their meaning and that's really what all of these
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things are about let me know what you do to be a good friend and what your best friendships have been
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like i'd really love to know thank you guys so much for watching today's video please subscribe to my
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