Classically Abby - May 20, 2020


5 Ways To Be A Good Friend That Go Beyond ＂YOU DO YOU＂ ｜｜ Friendship is so much more than that...

Hosted by
Abby Shapiro
How To Dress Modestly and Still Look SMOKIN' Hot 🔥🔥🔥 ｜｜ You don't have to look frumpy to be modest! Husband VS. Wife Movie Review： Tarantino SPEED ROUND!! ｜｜ We had a TON of thoughts!

Episode Stats


Length

15 minutes

Words per minute

220.97

Word count

3,380

Sentence count

3

Harmful content

Misogyny

1

sentences flagged

Toxicity

3

sentences flagged

Hate speech

2

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, I talk about 5 ways that you can actually be a better friend than just telling your friends to do whatever you want even if what they're doing is going to make them unhappy. I also talk about the difference between real friendships and the kind of friendships that are encouraged by modern media.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.160 hello beautiful ladies and welcome to today's video where we're going to be talking about 1.00
00:00:04.720 five ways to be a good friend that go beyond you do you
00:00:11.600 one of the things i've noticed about being a woman in 2020 is the kind of friendships that
00:00:16.320 are encouraged by modern media a lot of it is about supporting your friends and just telling
00:00:21.920 them to do what they want you do you and the idea of confronting your friends with advice
00:00:27.680 or actually giving them a different alternative to what they're doing now even if what they're
00:00:32.400 doing is making them unhappy is not allowed you're not allowed to do that and as i was thinking about
00:00:37.360 that idea it started to snowball into all of the different ways that you can actually be a better
00:00:43.040 friend what's interesting is that when i was getting my masters i actually kind of believed
00:00:47.360 in that idea i thought it was important to just support your friends no matter what they did even
00:00:52.640 as you saw them making choices that were making them unhappy i said to myself you know what it's
00:00:57.440 not my business what my friends are doing i don't need to get involved it's their own thing and i'll
00:01:02.320 just be there at the end of the day to support them and it was a pervasive thing that yeah you just
00:01:06.960 tell your friends they're doing a great job even if you care about them and you can see what they're
00:01:11.360 doing is making them unhappy i actually started thinking about friendship more and in a different
00:01:17.040 way when i met my husband my husband is an only child and so he treats friendships the way that many
00:01:23.440 people treat family members and i never really did that because i had a bigger family growing up
00:01:28.960 and when i met my husband i saw him confront his friends about things that they were doing in their
00:01:34.400 behaviors and i kind of was taken aback it was a surprise for me that that was something that you
00:01:40.480 could do he took the risk of talking to his friends about things that could bother them that
00:01:45.680 i started to see friendship in a whole new light part of that i think is that men's relationships are very different
00:01:51.040 than women's relationships and i know that with my female friends i have to be very sensitive about
00:01:56.560 the way i approach topics with them i have to say i really love you and i care about you and this is
00:02:02.080 why i want to talk about things whereas with a guy friend i can just be like you're doing something
00:02:06.320 stupid stop it and of course this leads into a whole host of topics about friendship so i want 0.80
00:02:12.720 to talk about five different ways that you can actually be a better friend than just telling your 1.00
00:02:18.000 friends hey do whatever you want even if what you're doing is going to make you unhappy so let's
00:02:23.200 get started so the first thing i want to talk about and probably the biggest topic is to actually give
00:02:29.200 your friends advice and not just sit on the sidelines and say you do you i hate that phrase
00:02:35.840 the phrase you do you drives me a little bit crazy because the fact is your choices are not always
00:02:42.400 going to be the best and sometimes you need somebody outside of what you're doing to actually be
00:02:46.720 able to give you a different perspective i think friendships and especially female friendships
00:02:51.120 which can be a little bit more sensitive have turned into something that is just about hanging
00:02:56.400 out with someone and enjoying their company and to me friendship is so much more than that now i only
00:03:02.720 say this because i used to be the kind of friend who would say you do you and go out and do whatever
00:03:07.520 you want and it was because i didn't know if my friendships would survive me actually telling my friend
00:03:13.680 what i thought about those decisions now what i want to say before i get into this whole thing is
00:03:18.080 that it's not about judgment it's not about looking at your friend and saying you're doing something
00:03:23.600 stupid and i don't like it it's seeing a friend's choices and wanting to help them because you care 0.99
00:03:29.040 about them there's such a big difference between judging someone because you think it's weird or stupid 1.00
00:03:34.080 or bad that they're doing something but you don't actually care about their well-being and offering
00:03:39.040 advice because you love someone and you want the best for them real friendships are the ones where
00:03:44.480 you can go to a friend and tell them that you see something wrong with what they're doing and that
00:03:49.520 you think that they could do better and if they do better they'll feel better a weak friendship isn't
00:03:54.720 going to survive one person going to the other and actually telling them that they shouldn't be doing
00:04:00.000 a certain thing or maybe that they should rethink a decision a weak friendship is built on just hanging
00:04:05.920 out it's built on just doing whatever you want and hoping that that other person will talk about it
00:04:11.040 with you at the end of the day a good friendship a real friendship is one where you can actually give
00:04:16.320 advice to the other person and really tell them that you're seeing them do something wrong i remember
00:04:21.200 when i was in my masters i made some questionable decisions and my friends didn't speak up and i don't
00:04:26.080 blame them for not speaking up not at all if our friendship was really strong i hope they would have
00:04:30.560 come to me and that totally happened in the reverse as well i had friends who were making choices that
00:04:35.120 were actively making them unhappy and i didn't feel comfortable telling them that maybe they
00:04:40.240 should rethink those choices and go in a new direction i felt like i didn't have a role there
00:04:46.000 to actually be a good friend and support my friends through those choices and i feel really bad about
00:04:52.240 that because our friendship could have gotten so much stronger if we had been open about this is
00:04:58.400 something i think would make you better here's some real advice i can be critical of you because i love
00:05:03.920 you and because i care i also had some friends in my masters where we did speak up to each other
00:05:09.200 and those friendships have lasted the others actually didn't those friendships were the ones
00:05:14.800 where i felt like i could go to that friend and say you're doing something that's hurting you and you
00:05:18.720 need to stop it and that friend we stayed close because she felt like i really cared about her and i
00:05:24.480 went out of my way to say something and i've had those friends do the same for me saying are you sure you
00:05:29.920 want to make this decision i don't think that's best for you when i was visiting los angeles i
00:05:34.400 remember going out to lunch with a girlfriend of mine we were talking about one of my friends who
00:05:38.080 she didn't know and i said you know i've been seeing that she's been doing some things that i
00:05:41.920 don't think are going to make her happy in the long run they seem very short term and i'd like to
00:05:46.640 see her do something better so i'm wondering if i should reach out maybe the two of us can grab coffee
00:05:51.120 and this friend that i was out to lunch with at the time said to me that's not real friendship
00:05:55.280 friendship is just supporting her no matter what she does that made me pause because i thought to
00:05:59.920 myself oh that is not really what friendship is friendship is helping your friends make better
00:06:06.080 decisions all of your relationships in life marriage friendships all of them should really
00:06:11.760 be about how do we help each other so that at the end of the day we've grown and become better people
00:06:17.200 not just let's hang out let's talk about whatever you want i don't care what choices you make because
00:06:22.160 at the end of the day we can still get a drink afterwards those friendships are fine and those
00:06:26.400 are what i would call peers or colleagues but i wouldn't call that a real friend because a real
00:06:30.560 friend you go to because you want to get their advice a good example are the friends that i had who
00:06:35.520 were hooking up with guys and then saying that oh it's casual i don't really have feelings for him
00:06:41.360 but we're talking about the guy as if they had a future now in my masters i probably would have said to
00:06:46.480 that friend you do you you know it's best for you you're keeping it casual don't worry about it
00:06:52.400 now as somebody who really values my friendships i would go to that friend and i would say
00:06:56.720 hey i can see that you're actually starting to have feelings for this guy even if you weren't i
00:07:01.040 don't think that casual relationships are a great idea because they usually turn into that
00:07:05.280 and you don't want to get hurt but especially now i'm seeing that this is a relationship that
00:07:10.240 you think is going to have a future and i don't think that he believes the same thing
00:07:14.160 and it's only going to hurt you so maybe you want to cut it off sooner rather than later
00:07:18.480 that's what a real friend would say but a 2020 girlfriend would say you do you you live your best
00:07:24.400 life i think the better friendship is the real friendship and the one where you can actually go
00:07:29.440 to your friend and offer a piece of advice that would make her feel better in the long run my next
00:07:34.240 piece of advice is if you're going to offer advice to your friends you need to be open to hear
00:07:38.960 it yourself it's really hard to hear from your girlfriends that you're making a choice that might not be
00:07:42.800 the best for you it's hard to hear it it's hard to listen and sometimes we lash out at the people
00:07:48.560 who care for us the most but if you want to have a real friendship and have a friendship that's going
00:07:52.560 to last a long time you need to be able to listen to your friends when they offer you that advice
00:07:57.280 and they should be doing it in a loving and kind way and making it clear that it's because they love
00:08:02.400 you that they're saying it but it is important for you to have an open heart and an open mind when your
00:08:07.920 friend does offer advice because if you aren't open to it they won't be open to it either and that's
00:08:12.720 the friendship that isn't going to last you need to be able to hear from your friends if you're
00:08:16.720 doing something wrong sometimes we think that we know what we're doing and we're very clear headed
00:08:20.800 about something but when you're in it it's very difficult to actually see what's going on sometimes
00:08:26.000 that outside perspective of a good friend is actually going to help you but you need to be able to
00:08:30.560 as a woman pause your feelings and say okay i know i'm getting upset i know that i don't want to
00:08:36.400 hear this but that doesn't mean it's not worth hearing and it doesn't mean that this friend
00:08:40.320 doesn't care about me this friend does still care about me that's especially why they're saying it
00:08:44.880 that's why they're risking the friendship by actually giving you advice you may not want to
00:08:50.560 hear it's hard to do that it's scary because you don't want to offend your friend that's the hardest
00:08:55.840 thing is you don't want your friend to think you don't love them and that you do judge them without
00:09:00.800 love but if you really want a good friendship that's a risk you have to be willing to take and you
00:09:05.360 have to be the kind of friend who's willing to hear it my third piece of advice is be open and
00:09:09.920 honest with your friends so they can be open and honest with you what am i talking about well
00:09:15.120 one of the things that i love about my husband is that he is the kind of guy who's open immediately
00:09:20.400 when he meets somebody he doesn't try and keep things under wraps or try to impress someone he's
00:09:25.120 just immediately open he tells them whatever he wants to tell them and it doesn't feel like he's
00:09:29.680 got a wall up and that means that people we meet become friends with us very quickly because they
00:09:33.760 feel comfortable sharing too and i feel the same way i love just wearing my heart on my sleeve
00:09:38.880 being very open telling people my stories and i love it when people feel open enough to share it
00:09:44.240 with me too because those are friendships that are fun interesting you guys know that you can trust each
00:09:49.280 other because you've trusted each other with information that maybe you don't want the whole world
00:09:54.080 to know and so if you're open and honest then other people will be open and honest with you and then
00:09:59.360 you can really build good friendships i love going to dinner with people and all of a sudden we're
00:10:05.040 talking about our high school experiences and we don't even know how we got on the topic but the
00:10:09.840 best relationships start with being open and honest with people especially people who you feel that you
00:10:15.760 can trust now of course i'm not talking about just sharing everything willy-nilly with whoever you meet
00:10:20.800 regardless of if they're a work colleague or if they're someone you shouldn't trust but i mean if you
00:10:25.600 meet someone and you feel that you could actually begin a friendship with them you start off by
00:10:30.720 being open and honest and they'll probably follow suit my next piece of advice is to stay friends
00:10:35.760 with people even at different life stages so i know this is a really common thing for young women
00:10:41.520 when a young woman gets married all of her single friends feel like they don't have a friend anymore
00:10:45.440 she just kind of abandons them and jumps ship and i'm a married woman now and now i'm just going to
00:10:49.360 hang out with my married woman friends i know that i'm still friends with a lot of my single friends and
00:10:54.560 i'm going to stay friends with them as they get married so there's more of a transitional stage
00:10:59.200 where okay right now you're single and i'm married but probably over time we're going to be in similar
00:11:04.560 life stages and i hate the idea that you would abandon those friends who aren't married just because
00:11:09.520 they're in a different stage of life you can still learn something from your single friends and they
00:11:14.000 can still learn things from you because you're married and that's of course not the only life stage
00:11:17.760 there's also the life stage of when you have children maybe you stop being friends with the girl who's
00:11:22.080 married but doesn't have kids yet why would you do that you can always learn things from your friends
00:11:26.560 you can always have friends who keep you accountable and you can always have friends who hey maybe you
00:11:31.520 want to just take a night off and not talk about diapers and going out with your single friend you
00:11:35.440 might end up talking about something you haven't even thought about for months being a good friend
00:11:39.680 means sticking with your friends even if they're not going through the exact same thing as you are in
00:11:44.400 your life and good friendships survive that stuff you want to stick with that friend who is going through
00:11:50.560 different life stages than you are because you might end up learning things from each other that
00:11:54.880 you wouldn't learn if you were just going through the exact same things at the exact same times
00:11:59.120 of course having friends who are in the same life stage as you great but keeping those friendships
00:12:04.160 that actually matter to you and that might not be exactly where you are in your stage of life
00:12:10.160 still a great thing and really important you want to be the kind of person who people can count on
00:12:15.280 and if you're the kind of person who abandons people once they're not doing exactly what you're up to
00:12:20.240 i don't think that they can count on you i don't think most people would feel like they can count
00:12:23.440 on you so be the kind of person who stays friends with people no matter what they're going through
00:12:28.480 and i think this is even true going back to the first point if your friend continues to do something
00:12:33.200 even after you've offered advice that doesn't mean you have to abandon them depending on how severe
00:12:38.400 their choices are because they might still need you and you will be the friend who will keep them
00:12:44.160 accountable and not everybody will so you can stay friends with people who aren't making the choices
00:12:49.840 you would think are best for them if they're not going to reflect on you and you can still maintain
00:12:55.360 that friendship it's all about being open being honest being there for your friends and helping
00:13:02.480 them find their path to fulfillment my last piece of advice is kind of a funny one it seems like it's less
00:13:08.880 important but i think it's really important and that is make life events celebrations being there
00:13:14.400 for people's celebrations shows them you care if your friend has a party and it's for their 26th
00:13:20.160 birthday and that matters to them try and go they want you there because they love you and they
00:13:25.280 want to celebrate with you and if you don't go it shows that you don't care as much as they do and
00:13:30.720 that's not a nice thing for a friend to hear if your friend is celebrating for her bridal shower
00:13:35.600 you should go you should help her make it a great event if you can the best friends are the ones who
00:13:40.320 want to celebrate with you because they're happy for you and even just saying hey how can i help you
00:13:45.840 plan this or can i surprise her with something how can i be there all of that is just going to make
00:13:52.560 her feel loved and will make you feel like she loves you too she wanted you there enough and she
00:13:57.760 needs your help enough that she's willing to reach out most people in today's day and age i don't
00:14:02.160 think feel super comfortable asking people for help and so if your friend is actually asking you
00:14:07.120 for help it's because she trusts you enough to do it so making celebrations a big event being there to
00:14:12.880 celebrate making the time for your friend making their events your events is really what it comes
00:14:18.960 down to making their celebrations your celebrations is going to make you a good friend and is going to
00:14:24.800 make your friend feel loved and that's what it should be at the end of the day all of this stuff is
00:14:29.360 you guys love each other and care about each other and so you want the best for each other
00:14:33.120 and you do what you can to help that person find their meaning and that's really what all of these
00:14:38.880 things are about let me know what you do to be a good friend and what your best friendships have been
00:14:43.440 like i'd really love to know thank you guys so much for watching today's video please subscribe to my
00:14:48.880 channel and blog if you haven't already head over to my twitter instagram and facebook and follow me there
00:14:54.240 hit that notification bell hit that subscribe button please head over to classicallyabbey.locals.com
00:15:00.080 if you'd like to support my channel see more of this content and be part of our community
00:15:03.920 and i'll see you guys in my next video bye