Answering YOUR Relationship Questions And Sharing My MOST Unpopular Relationship Opinion...YIKES! 😱
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Summary
In this episode, I answer your relationship questions! How to handle disagreements about religion and clothing in a relationship, how to navigate modesty in a religious context, and how to date in high school vs. marriage.
Transcript
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Hello Classic Crew and welcome to today's video where I'm going to be answering your relationship
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questions. If you are new to my channel, here we talk about classic living and traditional values
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and I would love if you would consider subscribing and hitting that notification bell. And if you
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other great stuff, make sure to head over to classicallyabbey.substack.com. P.S. You guys
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should actually go over and check it out. I know I say it at the beginning of every video, but we have
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a great community over there and if you are looking for a way to encourage yourself to read, we are
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entering into winter. What else are you going to do? You might as well pick up a book and read.
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This is such a great way to actually do it and you have the support of a community where we're all
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discussing it together on Zoom. So I would actually recommend checking it out. It's a lot of fun.
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So I asked you guys on Instagram to submit any relationship questions that you had, any questions
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you had about dating and marriage, and you guys had some really interesting questions. So I'm excited
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to hop into it. Let's just get started. Okay, so here's an interesting one. How to handle disagreements
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about religion and clothing in a relationship. So I would assume that this has to do with modesty
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and I actually have some insight into this because my husband and I used to disagree a little bit
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about modest rules. He actually wanted me to be more modest at the beginning of our marriage and I was
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actually the one who pushed back on it because I had taken the feminist pill and had thought that
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it was very important for me to be able to express myself by showing off everything. But it can be
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difficult to navigate when one person wants the other to dress in a certain way that reflects your
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values. Now I don't know that that's the case, but I have to kind of draw that assumption from what
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you're saying. So what I think what's important is for the person who wants to see the other person
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dressing differently, give them space to learn and grow while also being clear about what you would
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like, what you want, what would make you feel better in a religious context. I think that if you just
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force this kind of stuff on your spouse, on your partner, it won't go well because it needs to be
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something that they feel good about, they feel confident in, it feels like it was their decision.
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And if you constantly are forcing that idea on them, it's going to actually make them push back.
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What's more effective is to explain where you're coming from, kind of keep the discussion open and
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on the table, but allow your partner to come to it in their own time. So for us, Jacob really didn't
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want me to dress in a certain way and it took me a little bit of time to figure out on my own
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why it was so important. And once I did, now I am so confident in my modesty. It is something that
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I'm really proud of. It's something that I talk about a lot here on my channel, but it was because
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he gave me the room to figure it out myself. And if he had just imposed it upon me, I don't think I
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would have come to it so lovingly. So that's what my recommendation is, is let your spouse figure it out
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on their own while also keeping the discussion open so that maybe you can influence where they're
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where they're at. How should dating work between high schoolers? That is another great question.
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My feeling about dating in high school is if you are going to date in high school,
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it still needs to be for marriage. I don't believe in dating for fun, and especially not in high school
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when you are very hormonal, when you can be more rash and not make as good of decisions. And so act
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on sexual impulses. I think if you're going to date in high school, and I have known couples who have
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started dating in high school, became high school sweethearts, and then got married. And so I think
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that's a really wonderful thing. If you can make that happen, absolutely do it. So my feeling is,
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if you're dating for marriage in high school, date for marriage and you can do it. If you're just
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dating to mess around, then I don't think it's a great idea because you can make some big, you can
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make some big mistakes in high school, even though you're young. And even though you're at home, you
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can make some bad decisions and you can, you know, have some heartbreak. So I don't believe in dating
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for fun at any age. So if you're going to date, date for marriage. And if you're not ready to date for
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marriage, then don't date. That's just, that's just my perspective. Being single. I'm about to
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graduate college and have never gone on a date. So that is exciting. You are about to enter a really
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exciting part of your life. Dating is hard, but it can be fun if you do it right. So there's a lot of
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advice I could give you. I just did a whole speech on this for the Center for Conservative Women on how to
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date and do it well and enjoy it. But I'll just give you like one or two pieces of advice. I would
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say that the place to start is thinking about chemistry and compatibility. And I'm not going
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to go into my theory on this again, because I talk about it a lot, but I will link it here,
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a video that I've done on it, because I think that's really the best place to start and understanding
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what chemistry is, what it looks like, but how you can't just build a relationship off of chemistry.
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And so having that list of compatible values there in your mind, ready to allow you to have
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a relationship that will last. So having those two things is really important, but also recognizing
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that the list of things that you might want from a spouse are not necessarily important if they're
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not, if they're outside of those compatibility factors. So like that he's tall or that he makes six
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figures or that he lives in a certain place, like that stuff might go out the window. But
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the stuff that won't go out the window is those shared values. Do you want kids? Do you share a
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faith? Do you want to get married even? I mean, that stuff needs you need to be on the same page about
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this stuff that you don't need to be on the same page about is if you like Disney movies. Favorite
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ways to put in extra effort, do something special for your husband during the week. I love that question.
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I think that what's actually the best way to go about this is ask your husband. For my husband,
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it's cooking. If I cook him a delicious meal during the week, because I usually cook him
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meals on the weekends, he feels so absolutely loved. That means the world to him. So me going out of my
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way one or two nights a week to make him a really delicious meal. And then we'll have leftovers the
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next night makes him feel like on top of the world. Like I've really done something special for him.
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That may not be the same for your husband. Your husband might say, Oh, what would make me feel
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really special is if one night a week, we did date night and we hired somebody, or we asked a family
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friend to come and watch the baby, or we asked, you know, grandma to come and watch our child,
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our child. And we go out together. Or maybe he says once a week, I'd really like to watch a movie with
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you. Or maybe he's somebody who would value you cleaning the house or something like that. Like
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doing a homemaking activity. Those are questions you're going to have to ask him. And if he says
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something that you're like, Oh, that's a lot limit it in your mind to once a week. And if it's once a
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week, you can probably make it work, you can probably make it happen. That's how I view it is ask your
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husband, your husband will tell you what will make him feel special. So like I said, for me, it's cooking
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for someone else might be something different. I will also say another thing that my husband feels really
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loved about is when I play games with him. So if we play a board game in the middle of the week,
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he feels so loved. And it really just like fills his cup. So just like figure it out,
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ask him what he would love and go off that how to continue to date my husband.
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That's, uh, you know, I think that dating your husband really comes down to trying to
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not holding resentments. I know that sounds funny because it's like not about dating your spouse,
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right? That's like a bigger question. But when you've been married for a while,
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when you're both really busy and you're both dealing with a lot of responsibilities,
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what can make your relationship feel less fun and less like wanting to go on dates is when you start
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to resent each other or hold grudges for all of the little things that you wanted or hoped he would do
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and then he didn't or vice versa. So I would say that start by getting rid of those resentments,
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like have a conversation with your spouse, just work through the things that you guys are starting to
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build up against each other and clear the air. And then once you've done that,
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then you can go out and have fun and just enjoy each other's company. You're not
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lingering on those things that really bother you. You're just with each other. So start there and then
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ways to date your husband, ways to date your spouse, get gussied up for each other.
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Um, I mean, I think that it differs for different couples, what they find attractive. But for my
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husband, he really likes when I wear dresses as opposed to pants. So if we're going to go out,
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I will try and put on something that I know he likes. For me, I really like when my husband gets
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a haircut and gets his beard trimmed that I find really attractive. So he will do that for me.
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And that, that will like allow us to continue to date each other is doing things that make us
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attractive to one another. For my husband, he doesn't really care if I wear makeup. He doesn't,
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well, sometimes he notices when I do my hair, he does compliment that. But something that he really
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likes is when I'm exercising. And when I exercise and I'm trying to be healthy and be fit, that to him
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is me putting in an effort that he appreciates. So that to him is like, I'm dating him, those kinds of
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things. Figure out what your husband finds attractive and just try and do that for him.
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Signs that he likes me. So here's the sign that a guy likes you. He will reach out. When you're in
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high school, when you're in college, you're like trying to pick apart everything that he does. You're
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trying to analyze, oh, well, he texted me here and he did this. If a guy likes you, it's the worst answer,
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but you'll know. Like you just will because he will make it known. He's not going to be ashamed.
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He will call you. He will text you. He will follow up. He will come to all your parties. He will do
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everything he can to be around you. That's how you know a guy likes you. There's not mystery to it.
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A guy who likes you, and the kind of guy you want to end up with who likes you, by the way,
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not just a guy who's going to like you, but also play games. A guy who likes you will be very clear
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about it. That's how you'll know. What do you think is the most important aspect of a relationship?
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I think the most important aspect of a relationship are chemistry and compatibility.
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I talked about that earlier, but if you have those two things, you will have longevity in your
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relationship. How to find a religious partner, or at least find a partner who is similar to me.
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I always say this. I always say the same things, but I will say it again here quickly. Go to church,
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go to synagogue, go to your faith community, ask friends to set you up, friends who you trust,
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friends who you share a faith with, and volunteer at things that you think you'll meet people who share
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those values. If you go to an event where you are volunteering at something that you care about,
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the people who care about it as well will be there. That's how I would say you meet people
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who share your faith, share your values. You definitely want to ask people to set you up.
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That's really a big thing. How to let go of a past relationship. This is an unpopular thing,
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and I'm just going to say it because I disagree with 90% of the advice on this topic. I think you
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get over a relationship by getting over it and starting to date someone new. I don't think that
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most people need to sit and recover for days and days and years and years. I think it's a waste of
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time. If you're dating well, if you're dating correctly in the sense that you are dating for
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marriage and you're not letting yourself get attached to someone who you're not going to end up with,
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then you won't have to get over anything that much. For me, I never had a huge mourning period
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for any man that I dated because I dated for marriage. Once the guy wasn't right and it became
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clear he wasn't right, then I moved on and went out looking for a guy to date who was right.
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I think that if you've dated wrong and you've gotten yourself really caught up in the chemistry
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of a relationship and you haven't thought about the compatibility aspect of things,
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then it is harder to get over that person. That's why I think dating for fun is stupid
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in today's day and age. I think it's really, really, really dumb. But if you are in that situation,
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and I'm not criticizing you in the sense of like, I'm criticizing the system. I'm not criticizing you.
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You are just a part of it. You've just fallen into what everyone is telling you to do. Then,
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yeah, take a little bit of time. But the thing you should be doing with that time is
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understanding why the relationship ended, understanding why this wasn't the right person
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for you and trying to be as logical about it as you can. Because it's, I know it's hard to say be
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logical about your feelings, but you kind of have to when you're dating. And we don't have an unlimited
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resource of time that allows us to waste a year or two getting over somebody. So that is my super
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unpopular opinion for this, for this video. Intimacy while pregnant, please advise.
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That's hilarious. There are books you can buy and there are like what to expect kind of books. And I
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think that they all like talk about ways to be intimate while pregnant, um, because you still
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can and it'll be fine. You will have a great time. You'll enjoy it. And it's obviously a little bit
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weird and a little bit more uncomfortable, you know, when you have a changing body, but you can still do
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it and you should. It's good for your marriage. I really like a guy and I see myself marrying him.
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We're friends, but I don't know how to make the first move. Also, I dated one of his friends, but it
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didn't work out. It ended well. Yeah, that's a, that's a little bit of a situation. Here's what I'll say.
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There's two ways to go about this. One, making an assumption and one is asking a question. And I
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prefer the asking a question route. Uh, making the assumption would be, well, if your friends and he were
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interested, why hasn't he made a move? But it's possible he hasn't made a move because you dated one of
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his friends and they're not totally simpatico on that. So I wouldn't make that assumption. My
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advice would be to ask, ask this guy if he'd be interested in getting into a relationship,
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if you guys like each other, because you'll never know if you don't ask. And if you end up losing a
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friendship because you asked that question, that's okay. Men and women shouldn't be friends. Like,
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that's just my feelings on that anyway. So, and that's a relationship. It's more important that
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you ask the question of somebody who you could be hung up on than if you lose a friendship that
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will prevent you from dating other people. So I would just, I would just go for it. Ask the question,
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see what he says, let us know what happens. Maintaining a healthy sex life.
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I think what's really important about maintaining a healthy sex life is talking about it. Talk to your
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spouse about it. You might have to schedule it if things get busy. I mean, life gets busy. Um, talk
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about it with your spouse, figure out what works for both of you. Uh, sex is something that is a
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conversation. So you should definitely be talking to each other about how to make it good for both of
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you, how to make it something you both enjoy that you're doing it enough for both of you that,
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you know, you found a happy medium with that. Cause not everyone, you know, most couples don't totally
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agree on what they want as far as frequency. So figuring out that, but also figuring out
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the things you guys like and enjoy with each other and talking about it, doing fun things
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and making it, making it fun, you know, do, there are ways to spice it up and, and you can spice it
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up in a, in simple ways. It doesn't have to be these crazy things that everyone does nowadays that are
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insane. You just can do something some as simple as buying something sexy. That's new that you haven't
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worn before and just wearing that like that is simple enough and add something kind of fun and
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exciting to, to your sex life. How to explain to my girlfriend, the importance of her having a more
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classically female role. Yeah, that is hard. Um, again, this kind of crosses over into what I was
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talking about earlier in this video as regards modesty and clothing, uh, and encouraging something
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from your partner. I think that it's really important to constantly come from a place of encouragement
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rather than a place of scolding or trying to demand it. I think it's much more important to like
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have an open conversation. I think if you guys can have a conversation, just an open conversation
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about these are things that I would like for us to do together. I always find that doing things together
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is a much better path than you do this. So if you are asking her to be more classically feminine,
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is that what you said? Classically female. You can also be more classically male. So start by talking
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about ways that you guys can be classic together. I want to go out to dinner once a week and I want to
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dress up and go out and have a good time. I want to learn how to swing dance. Let's do that together.
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Let's go see an opera. We're going to do things together. I want to clean the house more. I would
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love for you to help. I want to learn how to cook. I would love for you to join in. You start,
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you lead the way to being classic and then she will want to join with you to being classic. And then
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as you become more classically male, she may end up being more classically feminine. So those are the
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two. That is the way I would recommend going about that is do it as a team rather than you do this
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transitioning into married life from single life, adjusting to his way of doing things.
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That first year of marriage is so hard. It really is. And so you are not alone. Number one, you are not
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alone. I would say reframe that sentence though. You're adjusting to each other's way of doing things.
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You are not just adjusting to his way of doing things. He's adjusting to the way you do things
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too. And that's hard on both of you. So just give yourself time to adjust. It legitimately takes like
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a full year to get into the swing of things with marriage because it's just all compromises for a
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year and you're just like, ah, this is so much. But once you get past the point of like, oh, this is how
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you do things, then it'll get so much easier. So just cut yourself some slack. You are probably doing
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great, but recognize that it's both of you compromising and not just you compromising. Reframe that
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because if you keep that in your head, you're just going to build up resentment after resentment. And
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that's something that's really hard to come back from. How did you and your husband figure out what
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you liked in bed with no prior experience together? Yeah. We, uh, we did things together that we
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enjoyed and things that we didn't enjoy. And then we figured out, okay, this is what we like. This is
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what we don't. This is how we like to do things. This is what feels good. This is what doesn't feel
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good. We, we were able to do that because we loved each other and we trusted each other and we enjoyed
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each other enough. Like it wasn't, we wanted enjoyment for the other person, not just for
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ourselves. It was about making the other person feel good and ourselves feel good. It wasn't just,
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well, this is all about me or like, I'm afraid to express what I feel. No, we were just really open
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and honest with each other because we were married because we trusted each other. And that's what made
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our sex life so great. Keeping marriage healthy after baby. So I'm not going to talk about the typical
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things like date night, dress up for each other, whatever. I kind of already mentioned some of
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that stuff. What I want to talk about is taking enjoyment in your child together. Enjoying your
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child as a team is like the best way to keep your marriage healthy. I love seeing my baby play with
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my husband and then having the three of us play together. It is so important that you guys enjoy
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your child as a team and it makes your marriage feel so strong and so healthy when you look at
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that little baby and you know that you guys did this together are doing this together. So that's just
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like one thing you're not going to always hear, but I think that like doing it as a team and loving
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your roles as mommy and daddy is like the best. It's, it really does make your marriage so strong.
00:22:22.360
I'd love to hear you talk about how to navigate conflict in a marriage. Lots of toxic advice
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on this topic. Yeah. Um, so we actually did a whole podcast episode on this, which I would highly
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recommend check that episode out because we specifically talked about this classically ever
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after. Uh, it's available everywhere. You listen to podcasts. The main thing that has been a huge game
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changer for us is recognizing the impulse to want to win an argument and being able to voice that to
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each other. So sometimes early on in our marriage, we would get into tiffs and we would realize like
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halfway through that we were wrong. One of us would realize that we were wrong and it felt so bad to say
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it that it was very difficult for us to say it. Then we got to a point and it was really Jacob who
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started this where he was like, I know you're right, but it's like going to make it. I feel like
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I'm losing if I say it. And that was enough for me to go. I get that. I appreciate where you're coming
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from. I get it. And that was enough for, he didn't really have to say he was sorry. Maybe later he said he
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was sorry, but in that moment it was a, it was a recognition that I was more right in that argument.
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No one's ever a hundred percent right, but I was more right in that argument than he was. I've been
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recording for so long. I got cut off. Uh, he wanted to express it in that moment, but it was uncomfortable.
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And so that to me, that little understanding of, you know, fighting is normal in marriage and wanting
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to win a fight is also normal in marriage. So recognizing that and saying that to each other
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can make a disagreement. It's just, it just diffuses the tension. And I think that that's really
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important. Should wives have a say in how their husbands dress? Absolutely. Husbands have a way,
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have a say in the way their wives dress and wives have a say in their husbands and the way their husbands
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dress. Definitely. That's part of being married is you dress in a way to respect and honor your
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spouse. Now, how you go about that can be difficult because people are very attached to certain ways of
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dressing, but you can have that conversation and you should. My husband loves when I dress sexy,
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but I feel more comfortable dressing more classic. How do I choose between modesty versus pleasing him?
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That's a very interesting thing. I would say dress sexy for him at home. When you're home,
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have a sexy pair of shorts that you like wearing for him, have a little crop top or whatever,
00:25:10.600
if that's what he likes on you, wear that stuff around the house for him. And then when you go out,
00:25:16.200
wear the stuff that you're more comfortable in. Now I can also say that there might be a middle ground
00:25:21.800
where he can go shopping with you and you guys can like choose some outfits together that are more
00:25:28.120
classic, but are his style and he might appreciate that. So I would recommend doing that as well. But
00:25:32.760
if he specifically likes sexy clothes, wear those around the house for him. Husband who prefers staying
00:25:38.360
up late gaming to anything else. Yeah, that's hard. I can imagine that's difficult. Well, I think that
00:25:47.480
there's a couple things there. One is have a conversation with him. I miss you. I want to,
00:25:54.040
I want to hang out with you. I would like to watch a show with you. I'd love to read next to you. Can we
00:25:59.800
do something together because I just miss you? And that's a great conversation to have. And you know,
00:26:06.440
you're married to the guy. I assume it's because you trust and love and respect each other. So
00:26:12.680
have that conversation. But if you don't want to never let him play games, because for some guys,
00:26:18.920
that's a stress reliever. I would say, ask if there's a game you could learn to play.
00:26:24.680
Uh, Jacob has done that with me is he has played some games and then he's asked me to learn how to
00:26:32.120
play and then we've played together. And that's actually turned into something that we can do
00:26:35.720
for fun and we enjoy it. So if he plays games and you, even if you're not familiar, because I'm not
00:26:42.840
familiar with anything, I'm really bad at games. Um, it can still be fun to just learn and do something
00:26:48.280
as a team. So ask him if there's a game that he likes that you could play too. And then maybe you guys
00:26:53.880
can play together. That's a really fun way to spend time together. I mean, get creative
00:26:58.840
with ways to turn something that's a problem into something you guys both enjoy. Okay. Last question.
00:27:06.120
How do you deal with spats or disagreements or overall little fights when your hubby does something
00:27:10.200
that just bothers you or just trying to not get short tempered easily? We've been married for two
00:27:15.480
years. I'm 22 and he is 23. Communication is very important to us. And I don't think we have any
00:27:21.000
problems thanks to that. But some days are longer than others. Hormones can rage. I may have a bad
00:27:25.560
day at work and just be tired and I can become grouchy over something small. I always try to wait
00:27:29.880
until I'm not grouchy anymore to talk to him about what bothered me so that I don't do something out
00:27:34.200
of spite. And the solution can't be found if I'm grouchy and not talking with him. See my problem?
00:27:39.800
A vicious cycle indeed. I appreciate any advice you've got. So I respect that you are thinking about
00:27:45.720
these things and that you're trying to go about them in the best possible way. I think that you
00:27:52.040
not coming to him when you're grouchy and then not being able to calm down because you haven't
00:27:57.400
gone to him is actually not so helpful. I think it's better to just to just explain that to him.
00:28:05.640
Like my husband always says he always brings up Seinfeld and he always says it's sometimes better to just
00:28:11.320
get the awkwardness in the air. Like just say it and then it's been out it's out there so it's been
00:28:16.600
addressed. So you could just say these exact things to your husband. I get grouchy when I feel like I
00:28:24.120
can't solve this problem but I don't really want to be grouchy with you when I come and talk to you
00:28:32.360
about this problem. So I'm in a conundrum and with that in mind here's the thing that's bothering me
00:28:39.000
that I'm grouchy about. I'm going to try to keep calm. I'm going to try to not let that
00:28:46.440
annoyance come into the conversation and ruin the conversation but that's where I'm at.
00:28:51.320
There you go. Done. Then you can proceed with the conversation from there but not addressing it
00:28:59.240
until you've calmed down which you can't calm down because you haven't found the solution.
00:29:03.160
It's just not going to really work. So it's much better to just go to your husband and say
00:29:07.880
this is where I'm at. I'm kind of frustrated and then on your side you need to not allow the
00:29:15.240
frustration the grouchiness to pervade the conversation. It can be in the back of your
00:29:21.080
mind like this is what is bothering me but like come towards the conversation with more of a
00:29:28.120
level-headedness and you'll find that it'll be much more fruitful because when you come to a
00:29:33.880
conversation to a discussion and you're already heated the other person is on the defensive but
00:29:37.880
if you are calm and collected and you're just like this is where I'm at this is what's frustrating me
00:29:43.720
can we work this out then the other person doesn't have to have their hackles up they're just there to
00:29:49.080
listen that's my that's my advice so that is it for today's video I hope you guys enjoyed it let me
00:29:54.920
know your thoughts in the comments I'd love to hear what you would give advice what you would say in
00:29:59.640
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00:30:08.280
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00:30:12.280
guys so much for watching and i'll see you guys in the next video bye