Classically Abby - DEAR ABBY： Answering YOUR Questions - Making New Mom Friends, Dating Tips

00:00:00.000 Dear Abby, I am a recent mom a couple months behind you and currently working from home.

00:00:06.360 My husband is a psychiatrist and we have been married for five years.

00:00:10.040 As you can imagine, I don't get out much.

00:00:12.520 I'm wondering how a mom can go out and make friends with other moms out there. 1.00

00:00:19.660 To be honest, I feel out of place when I hang out with my post-college friends.

00:00:23.540 We are in completely different paths to the point I don't have much in common with them anymore.

00:00:27.340 I am worried because of our different lifestyles, we will drift apart.

00:00:31.440 I do care for them a lot, but it is difficult to make plans when they just want to go to bars and banter about their promiscuous lifestyles.

00:00:38.120 Anyway, I figured starting the new year, I will take this opportunity to look for other women who have the same views and lifestyles as me. 1.00

00:00:44.820 But how can I make new friends?

00:00:48.420 So I get it. I get where you're coming from.

00:00:51.580 Making friends as a new mom, especially at the beginning, is hard.

00:00:54.800 I would say at this stage, once, you know, your baby's more on a schedule, once you're nursing a little less, once you've figured out nursing, like, it's a lot easier.

00:01:04.520 But first, let's talk about just your post-college friends.

00:01:08.400 I can understand why you're worried that you're going to drift apart.

00:01:11.280 My point of view on that is you can maintain friendships with people who are in a different stage of life than you are,

00:01:21.120 but you may not be as close until they're in a similar stage of life,

00:01:25.960 especially if they don't really get what you're doing.

00:01:30.100 If they're not really into the idea of you being a mom or into the idea of you being married,

00:01:36.840 it can cross over into a judgmental territory.

00:01:40.560 And of course, you're not super happy to hear about their promiscuous lifestyle either because you don't think it's good for them.

00:01:45.820 So I think that it's okay if during this period of time where they are in a very different stage of life,

00:01:55.780 you remain friends without necessarily going out of your way to hang out with them in the situations you're not going to be comfortable in, right?

00:02:06.080 If you can go to brunch with them, if you can go to lunch, like, that's great.

00:02:10.420 You get to hang out with them, you can catch up, but if you're being invited into parties or to bars that you're just not interested in, you don't have to go.

00:02:18.760 And if the friendship grows apart a little bit during this time, that's okay.

00:02:23.780 You may end up finding that the friends that you make now, you will get even closer to than the friends that you were close with at a different point in your life.

00:02:33.640 And it's possible that they may never come around to where you are and to what you're doing.

00:02:38.700 And if those friendships end, that's okay too.

00:02:43.280 You don't have to actively end them, not at all.

00:02:46.420 But if they naturally kind of come to a point where neither one of you, it doesn't really make sense for the friendship to continue.

00:02:53.720 That's okay.

00:02:54.940 And you don't have to feel bad about it because there are some friendships that are perfect for the time of life and the stage of life that you're in when you make that friend.

00:03:04.880 And then as you grow and as you kind of go different ways, the friendship doesn't really make sense anymore.

00:03:11.200 And that's okay too.

00:03:12.280 It doesn't, it's not a comment on either of you.

00:03:14.460 It's just a comment on where you're at and where you're going.

00:03:17.700 So don't worry too much if your friendships end up growing apart and being, going out of your way to like go to a brunch or go to lunch.

00:03:29.060 That's nice.

00:03:29.680 But anything more than that, where you are putting yourself in a situation, going to, you know, an event that you don't want to go to, don't do it.

00:03:39.300 Don't, don't put yourself in that, in that situation.

00:03:41.940 It's not worth it.

00:03:43.400 As far as how to meet new moms, the way that I've met new moms is, I would say there are two ways.

00:03:50.040 One, when you're pregnant and when you have babies, I think people are more open to you eavesdropping.

00:03:58.060 I say this in a, in a funny way.

00:04:00.000 Okay.

00:04:00.540 So for example, when I was pregnant with Mr. Baby, I was getting my nails done and I heard kind of like two seats down from me,

00:04:09.060 a woman talking to her nail technician about her experience giving birth and how she had given birth just a few weeks ago and all of that.

00:04:20.020 And I was eavesdropping a little bit, but I just interrupted and I was like, oh, when did you give birth?

00:04:27.580 Yes, I'm expecting.

00:04:28.760 I'd love to hear more about your experience.

00:04:30.800 And that woman and I became very good friends when I was living in Virginia.

00:04:35.480 So that was really, really fun.

00:04:36.760 So that's a way to meet moms is if you hear somebody talking about motherhood stuff in a scenario like that,

00:04:42.440 when you're getting your nails done, or if you're online at the grocery store, like introduce yourself.

00:04:47.380 People are really laid back about it.

00:04:49.180 And honestly, once you talk to a stranger and you kind of make things fun,

00:04:54.680 they're usually willing to be like, oh, a new friend.

00:04:57.580 Cool.

00:04:58.500 And I know it sounds weird, but that has worked for me a number of times.

00:05:02.500 And it's kind of funny and also a great story about how you met someone.

00:05:06.340 I wish people were more comfortable with talking to somebody who they've never met before,

00:05:11.420 especially about motherhood stuff.

00:05:13.040 So I don't think anyone's going to look at you like you're crazy.

00:05:15.460 And if they do, they're lost.

00:05:17.400 You're never going to see them again.

00:05:18.460 So I think that's a really good way to meet people.

00:05:21.660 But the best way that I've met people is through my synagogue.

00:05:24.600 There are so many new moms at my synagogue.

00:05:27.020 There's so many babies.

00:05:28.820 Our synagogue, when we moved here, there were three other babies born the same week.

00:05:35.200 And I am very good friends with all three moms who also had babies at the same time.

00:05:40.320 And there's a bunch of other people who maybe don't have babies the exact same age,

00:05:43.880 but have babies kind of a year older or a couple of years older.

00:05:46.520 And we are super great friends.

00:05:49.120 If you can join a church or a synagogue with women who are in the same age range,

00:05:55.000 they don't have to be exactly in your exact, you know, one baby and that's it.

00:05:58.960 Or like, there are women I know who have four babies, and that is great.

00:06:03.140 And we are really good friends.

00:06:05.100 So I would say that finding a faith community where the members of your church or synagogue

00:06:12.980 are in your same stage of life, that is really the best way to meet new moms.

00:06:19.300 That has been my experience and it has been fantastic.

00:06:22.440 So that's where I would start.

00:06:25.000 Okay, next question.

00:06:27.420 I grew up Reform Jewish, but don't agree at all with a lot of the values those temples now push, 0.81

00:06:33.100 social justice in place of Judaism. 0.82

00:06:35.720 Before I continue, I understand.

00:06:37.680 My husband grew up Reform and he always called, what did he say?

00:06:41.320 It's the Democratic, it's the Jewish wing of the Democratic Party.

00:06:46.240 I think that's what he used to say.

00:06:48.460 Yeah, being Reform, it is.

00:06:50.660 It's the values there are totally not Torah values, and I find it really frustrating.

00:06:55.640 The only other option semi-close to me is Chabad. 0.98

00:06:59.440 Can you offer some insight into the community or advice if my family joins?

00:07:04.160 So if you don't know, Chabad is kind of like outreach for Jews who are not observant.

00:07:10.740 And their goal is just to create a warm and welcoming environment to all Jews.

00:07:17.860 So the great thing about Chabad is that you will go to a synagogue and the rabbi is going 1.00

00:07:24.980 to be wearing a black hat and have a big beard and have a long black jacket on, and the people

00:07:29.680 who are there are going to be from every walk of life.

00:07:32.980 Like you will have somebody there in leggings, you'll have somebody there in shorts, you'll

00:07:36.480 have somebody there in a more modest dress.

00:07:38.520 Like, everybody there is just on their own path, and Chabad is there to provide a space

00:07:44.840 for you to explore your Judaism more.

00:07:47.440 So the insight I can offer is it is going to be better than you think.

00:07:53.860 You might think, oh, this is a little awkward or this is a little weird.

00:07:57.320 It's not at all because they are incredibly accepting.

00:08:01.320 They just want to see more Jews interact with their Judaism.

00:08:06.340 That is their purpose.

00:08:07.600 So the community at Chabad, it really can range depending on where you live, but you can have

00:08:12.780 a community that is a little bit more freeform in the sense that there are people who are

00:08:17.440 just kind of looking for a hub, and they are from all different walks of life, and they're

00:08:24.120 all, they drive there on Shabbos, and they're all like different ages, or you could have a

00:08:29.560 community that's a little bit more built up.

00:08:32.820 And so you'll have people there who are regulars and who come every Shabbos, who come every

00:08:38.500 Sabbath, and who are a little bit more observant, but they're still going to be welcoming to

00:08:43.480 somebody who doesn't know much about Judaism.

00:08:46.320 So I don't know where you live, so I don't know what community you're going to be a part

00:08:49.660 of, but I would say don't be freaked out by the fact that the rabbi is going to look

00:08:56.820 more religious than you are because he doesn't care where you're at.

00:08:59.540 He just wants you to be there, he's just happy for you to be there, so try it out.

00:09:03.800 I'd love to know how it goes.

00:09:06.040 You are a premium subscriber, so you should be able to leave a comment, let me know if

00:09:09.800 you attend a service there, I'd really like to hear.

00:09:12.480 So that is question number two, and last question for today's episode.

00:09:18.600 Have you got any tips for a first date, and how long do you think someone should date before

00:09:24.020 getting married?

00:09:25.660 I love those questions.

00:09:27.020 Ooh, there's even more.

00:09:27.660 Should a woman pay on a date? 1.00

00:09:30.520 Very good question.

00:09:32.560 So let's start with, have you got any tips for a first date?

00:09:37.100 Yes.

00:09:38.120 And I have many videos talking about this.

00:09:41.020 I also have done a speech on it, or about dating generally.

00:09:45.260 So I'll just give like one or two tips.

00:09:48.360 Tip number one is do your makeup, if you're going to do makeup, do your makeup in a way that

00:09:53.400 accentuates your features and doesn't obscure them.

00:09:56.600 So you always want, and this is, it goes for your hair too.

00:09:59.640 You always want to do something, and honestly, it goes for the way that you dress.

00:10:03.160 You want to do something that shows who you are, shows what you look like, and doesn't 0.67

00:10:09.260 obscure it behind puffy clothes or behind green eyeshadow or behind a crazy color wig.

00:10:17.940 I don't know why someone would wear a wig on a date, but who knows?

00:10:21.300 Trying to be as close to your actual appearance as possible while accentuating the best parts

00:10:26.760 of you, that's the goal.

00:10:28.260 Because you want the guy that you're going on a date with to actually see you.

00:10:30.840 So that's number one.

00:10:32.020 Number two is, for a first date, just get a feel for the chemistry.

00:10:40.540 Date number two is when you start asking big questions.

00:10:42.680 That's my rule.

00:10:43.240 Date number two is when you start asking big questions.

00:10:44.800 But date number one, that's when you are going to want to just see if you and this person

00:10:51.500 have fun together.

00:10:53.060 I think that's really the thing for a first date is, are you interested in a second date?

00:10:57.980 Are you even interested in going out again and seeing if you guys like each other?

00:11:02.460 So just relax a little bit for the first date.

00:11:05.400 You don't have to go off your list quite yet and see how you get along.

00:11:09.540 See if you enjoy this person's company and just see how that chemistry is.

00:11:14.500 How long do you think someone should date before getting married?

00:11:17.360 So I, okay, because the way the question is phrased is a little confusing because it's

00:11:23.720 before getting married as opposed to getting engaged.

00:11:26.460 And then how long should the engagement be?

00:11:28.580 Okay, so here's what we're going to, here's what I'm going to say.

00:11:31.360 It should take you, in my opinion, no longer than a year to figure out, maybe a year and

00:11:36.280 a half to figure out if you are right for someone.

00:11:40.100 Why does it take you longer than that?

00:11:41.700 If you've asked the big questions early on, if you have chemistry, if your families get

00:11:47.200 along, what are you waiting for?

00:11:48.680 Now you're just testing and testing and testing and wasting time.

00:11:53.740 It's not worth it.

00:11:54.740 Uh, I am a proponent of ask the big questions.

00:11:58.960 See if you like each other.

00:12:01.180 Do you enjoy each other's company?

00:12:02.880 Like, okay, the questions are answered.

00:12:05.720 Why are you waiting?

00:12:07.000 Now, engagement, no longer than a year.

00:12:11.380 Hard to stop.

00:12:12.360 No longer than a year.

00:12:13.300 Because engagement is the hardest time of a relationship.

00:12:16.300 Everyone's going to tell you it's the romantic, you know, lovey-dovey honeymoon period.

00:12:20.560 It's not engagement is hard because you're planning a wedding.

00:12:24.060 You are dealing with families who have opinions about that wedding and you are standing on

00:12:29.960 the edge of a diving board waiting to make that giant commitment.

00:12:32.620 And the longer you're waiting to make a commitment, the longer you question whether or not it's

00:12:37.080 the right commitment to make and it has nothing to do with whether it's the right commitment

00:12:40.880 to make.

00:12:41.300 It's just that it's so uncomfortable waiting to actually do something this huge and this

00:12:47.140 big that it can make you want to back out.

00:12:51.140 So a year is the longest I recommend.

00:12:54.520 I, my husband and my engagement was five and a half months.

00:12:57.780 That was fine.

00:13:00.100 We also got married.

00:13:01.480 We met and got married in a year.

00:13:04.520 So ours was more expedited than many people's, but it was, it worked for us.

00:13:12.080 So that, that's my advice regarding that.

00:13:14.400 And then should a woman pay on a date? 1.00

00:13:17.000 Here's the answer to that question.

00:13:18.640 A woman should pay on a date if you guys are in, uh, are not earning your own money. 0.99

00:13:26.840 So for example, if you guys are dating in high school or if you guys are dating in college

00:13:31.580 and you're the guy you're on a date with is getting, you know, a stipend from his parents

00:13:35.960 and you're getting a stipend from your parents and you guys are living off of your parents'

00:13:40.320 money, why should his parents be paying for all of his dates?

00:13:44.220 Uh, I think that it can cross into dangerous territory.

00:13:47.620 If, you know, if the guy is taking advantage of the dating situation, but I'll be honest,

00:13:54.260 I am not a huge, I don't think that a man has to pay on every date because a date, dating

00:13:59.480 can get expensive and it's hard.

00:14:01.620 Like I was thinking about kosher food is super expensive.

00:14:04.800 If a guy took a girl out to dinner, every time he took a girl out on a date, he would 0.96

00:14:10.260 be out at like $150 once a week.

00:14:13.140 Like that's crazy for one meal.

00:14:16.060 Like that's crazy.

00:14:17.800 So I understand the concept of splitting the bill.

00:14:21.160 And I know that's really funny because I'm classic and that's my thing.

00:14:24.740 But I also think that lessening the burden of the cost of a meal and allowing people to

00:14:34.400 just enjoy each other's company as opposed to being concerned about what the other person

00:14:37.640 is ordering.

00:14:39.080 I'm not, I don't think that's the worst thing in the world.

00:14:41.320 I think it's nice if a guy can afford it.

00:14:43.640 And if a guy like wants to make a girl feel taken care of, but, and maybe the first date

00:14:48.500 the guy should pay.

00:14:49.280 But like, again, I'm pretty flexible on that topic because when Jacob and I started dating,

00:14:56.100 we split a lot of our dates and I was totally fine with that because I was like, yeah, that

00:15:00.300 makes sense.

00:15:00.760 Let's just split it.

00:15:02.340 It worked for us.

00:15:03.060 So I don't think a man always has to pay, but you can also kind of get the vibe from 0.99

00:15:07.920 him and decide, okay, is he being a jerk or is he being just practical? 0.98

00:15:13.160 And like, it makes sense that we're going to split it. 0.99

00:15:15.000 You can, I think you can read the room on that.

00:15:17.520 So that is my thoughts.

00:15:31.420 So that's my thoughts.

00:15:32.980 Bye.

Classically Abby - January 19, 2023

DEAR ABBY： Answering YOUR Questions - Making New Mom Friends, Dating Tips

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