Classically Abby - DON'T Waste Your Time With A Man Who Won't Commit. ｜｜ Answering YOUR Hard Relationship Questions!

00:00:00.080 hello classic crew and welcome to today's video where we're going to be doing an ask

00:00:04.560 abby and i'm going to be answering your questions

00:00:10.880 before we get into today's video i want to thank nord green for sponsoring this segment of today's

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00:02:04.480 i'm so thankful to nordgreen for sponsoring this portion of today's video now let's get into it so on my

00:02:09.760 instagram i asked you guys to write into a new email address i created ask classically abby and on that email i

00:02:16.400 asked you guys to send me your long form questions your questions that wouldn't fit in an instagram box

00:02:21.120 and i wanted to hear kind of what kind of questions you guys had and offer just a little bit of advice

00:02:25.680 now to start off i want to say i am not a psychologist i'm not a therapist this is just my opinions on things

00:02:31.600 and i'm just offering what i think you should do now that's not saying that this is the only option

00:02:36.240 so i'd love to hear from you guys what you think people should do and what your responses are

00:02:41.040 all of these questions are going to be totally anonymous i'm going to

00:02:43.840 change any names if there are any and so there's not going to be any any information given out in

00:02:49.040 this video so i'm just reading the emails and i'll change any information that needs to be changed so

00:02:53.440 that it remains anonymous now when i read these emails many of you wrote wonderfully nice things

00:02:58.560 i'm just going to thank you now so much for the kind words it means a lot to me but i'm just going

00:03:03.600 to read the actual questions here but let's get into question number one my question for you is below

00:03:09.360 i female 30 have been in a relationship with my boyfriend male 31 five years this christmas we

00:03:15.680 have been living together the last three years and it's been fantastic we both come from families

00:03:20.320 where our parents have divorced and have been through quite a lot in the past with family drama

00:03:24.960 living together has been so lovely because it really feels like home we are like best friends

00:03:28.880 with our own routine and space without drama i am turning 31 next month and like many women i'm

00:03:34.240 becoming more and more aware of my biological clock i am beyond ready for the next level of commitment

00:03:39.200 and would absolutely love for my boyfriend to propose so we can become husband and wife and

00:03:42.800 eventually a family i am quite traditional and like the idea of getting married and then kids

00:03:47.680 the problem is my boyfriend never really talks about this stuff i tried to talk to him about it

00:03:51.360 before and it didn't go well at all it seems he's nervous of marriage as his parents marriage ended

00:03:55.760 in a nasty divorce he also said he doesn't want kids for many years yet as he has a lot he wants to

00:04:00.640 achieve first the conversation has really scared me because we didn't come to any sort of agreement

00:04:04.960 at the end and now i'm left wondering if he has no intention of proposing or taking things to the

00:04:09.280 next level for many years and i could possibly ruin my chances of ever having a family i love this guy

00:04:14.720 so much and i'm certain i want to spend the rest of my life with him i am truly devastated that i had to

00:04:19.200 bring up the conversation nervously and he doesn't seem to feel the same way so first off i really

00:04:24.080 want to thank you for being so open with your question because when i tried to create a video like

00:04:30.400 this this is what i was hoping for is that people would really actually come to me with real

00:04:34.400 questions and hopefully i can offer some insight so reading this email my first thought is i totally

00:04:40.480 understand what you're feeling and why you love him i would imagine that if you guys have been together

00:04:46.320 for this long it's because you do have a wonderful dynamic but the things that you're talking about

00:04:52.560 marriage and children those things are not going to go away and you may love this man

00:05:00.080 but the fact is your email already tells me that he isn't enough to replace those concerns and

00:05:06.320 those life goals that you have you want to have kids you want to have a family you want to live a

00:05:11.600 traditional life and if this man isn't willing to go the distance with you with these big life changes

00:05:18.640 and life goals then those things are not going to magically go away you're still going to want them

00:05:24.800 five or ten years down the line and you do have a biological clock he doesn't in the same way you

00:05:30.880 do have concerns about the fact that you might not be able to have kids in 15 years 10 years that he

00:05:37.520 doesn't have to worry about because if you guys did decide that you wanted to break up he could go out

00:05:43.280 at 70 and still have kids and have a family and you wouldn't be able to in the traditional way the

00:05:48.480 thing to remember is that not making a decision is still making a decision by you not talking to him

00:05:56.240 and figuring out what your next steps are you've made the decision that you're going to stay with

00:06:00.480 him because that's just kind of where things are going to remain and stay even when you don't

00:06:05.360 necessarily make a choice that feels like a big split or change or whatever you're still making a

00:06:11.680 choice to stay with him by you not making a choice you've made a choice but the fact is he hasn't made a

00:06:18.000 choice he could still make an entirely different decision from what you've decided because you

00:06:22.960 haven't had a conversation about it that was effective you can love someone and have a wonderful

00:06:28.560 dynamic and have great chemistry but the compatibility aspect of what you want from your life can still

00:06:34.960 be left unresolved and that's something that is still going to be up in the air so really practically

00:06:40.560 what this comes down to is you do have to have a conversation with him and you have to be ready to

00:06:44.800 hear what you don't want to hear which is that he doesn't want to get married he doesn't want to

00:06:48.960 have kids and if he says those things then you have to know and decide is that a deal breaker is that

00:06:56.160 something that you can live with and from the way you wrote your email i would guess no i would guess that

00:07:01.760 these are deal breakers for you and even though that's really scary and you're breaking up with someone

00:07:07.440 that you've been with for this long those are those are things you really can't get over is having a

00:07:14.320 family having children and having that meaning in your life but all of that said if you have this

00:07:21.440 conversation he could rise to the occasion and end up surprising you he could end up saying something

00:07:27.120 about him wanting to get married and having kids but you won't know for sure until you do have the

00:07:32.960 conversation and it's always possible that you'll get the outcome that you're hoping for so until you

00:07:38.240 have the conversation you're going to be on tenterhooks you're going to be anxious you're not going to know

00:07:41.680 what's going to happen having the conversation might end up being more painful but it also might end up

00:07:47.280 giving you the answer that you want and just knowing is really important not only for your future

00:07:53.840 decision making but also for your mental health because at least you're not trying to just kind of figure

00:07:59.600 things out in the dark and that's much harder so i wish you the best of luck with this i really do

00:08:04.560 hope you figure out what it is that you want and good luck with it the next question says my husband

00:08:10.240 and i have been together for almost six years and friends for 14. needless to say we're each other's

00:08:15.440 center however fertility issues are breaking me and i'm afraid it's starting to affect my husband's

00:08:20.000 well-being as well i have a condition called turner's syndrome one of the side effects of this is early

00:08:25.360 menopause and a lack of egg production unfortunately this means that i will not be able to conceive my

00:08:30.080 own children whenever i pictured my life especially with my husband we had children family traditions

00:08:36.320 vacations and a bustling and loving home we are very open to adoption and two good friends have even

00:08:40.960 offered to donate their eggs so we could start a family the only issue with either of these options

00:08:45.280 is the exorbitant cost involved my devastation over the idea of not being a mother has caused several

00:08:50.640 fights with my husband and put so much stress on him i feel awful about that but my heart is just

00:08:55.200 broken it's even gotten hard to be happy for expecting friends or to attend baby showers i don't

00:09:00.160 know exactly what i'm asking but i know i need help and your wise guidance who that is a really really

00:09:06.640 difficult situation i can't imagine what kind of pain you guys have been going through and i'll try and

00:09:14.480 offer some insight to what i would think you guys can do so the first thing that i want to say is that this

00:09:21.040 is the kind of situation that it would make sense that it would be breaking you this is an incredibly

00:09:27.920 heart-wrenching situation and i can only imagine the suffering and the pain that you would be in from

00:09:34.800 something this hard the thing that i think would help me and i would keep in mind is turning to god

00:09:42.800 having faith in god treating my faith as a life preserver and knowing that i have to have faith because my

00:09:50.080 relationship with god no matter if i was in the situation or not that is my relationship with god

00:09:57.440 isn't going to change he's still going to love me i'm still going to find my purpose and meaning in

00:10:02.400 serving him and those things can help realign you and guide you in these moments of incredible pain and

00:10:11.600 turmoil my next piece of advice is that remember that you and your husband are in this together this is

00:10:17.680 something that you are facing as a team this is something that neither of you are you know wrong

00:10:23.280 here you guys are working together to solve it so treating each other and going to each other for

00:10:28.880 support and then looking at this is the problem and solving it together that could hopefully bring the

00:10:35.920 two of you together to solve it because you don't want this to push you away from one another you would

00:10:40.560 want to use this as an opportunity to really find love and meaning in your relationship and hopefully get

00:10:46.960 stronger in this process now practically if the issue really does come down to the cost you should

00:10:54.080 try and do everything possible to figure out how to make this work for you guys to put in the effort

00:11:01.920 so that you can have a family even if you adopt just one child that'll be life-changing for you and your

00:11:08.320 husband and that kind of investment is so worth it i'm sure you know so figuring out a way to make it happen

00:11:16.960 that is going to be just make all the difference for the two of you so first if that means going to

00:11:22.160 family and friends and telling them that this is something that is so important to you i'm sure they

00:11:27.280 would want this for the both of you and going to them first and foremost seeing if they can help

00:11:32.640 financially that's your first step right and then next step would be going to your religious community

00:11:37.680 and getting the word out i mean the fact of the matter is i know that this could be something that

00:11:41.840 you wouldn't want to necessarily share with a big group of people but if it matters to you to have

00:11:47.280 a family then you may have to to rethink that feeling and realize that it's worth you overcoming

00:11:54.720 that feeling so that you can start a family so going to your religious community and seeing if

00:12:00.240 they can help financially if there are people who are willing to donate if people want to help you

00:12:05.440 guys start this family that means so much to you and i know personally of some people who have gone

00:12:11.440 online and even started gofundmes crowdfunding so that they could again try and get enough funds so

00:12:18.000 that they could do a surrogacy or an ivf situation or for you guys maybe adoption and just figuring out

00:12:25.360 how you can make this work for the two of you i can only imagine how much happier you'll feel

00:12:30.880 just trying to take steps in this situation but again i wish you guys the best of luck i really hope

00:12:37.120 that you guys can figure this out and start a family and i'm sure that that would bring you so much joy

00:12:43.520 but i do want to finish with just keep in mind that your faith is what's going to bring you through no

00:12:49.440 matter what hardships we all go through having faith in god and knowing that your relationship

00:12:56.640 with god is what's going to serve you and serve him those two things will just really get you through

00:13:03.200 the hardest of times let's get to question number three for context i am 21 and in my first year of

00:13:09.520 grad school i've really struggled with relationships i've only ever had one boyfriend and that relationship

00:13:14.880 lasted about a year and a half from my senior year of high school to my first year of college

00:13:19.920 since then i've been asked out many times or had guys interested but they either don't share my

00:13:24.160 faith or they did share my faith but have just lacked serious character qualities to the point

00:13:28.240 that when i turned them down they became super vindictive and even turned around and attacked my

00:13:32.160 character in public all of these escapades have been so crazy and almost unbelievable that my mom

00:13:37.760 literally claims my life could be a lifetime movie meanwhile there have been many guys at church over the

00:13:42.640 past few years that i have liked and have noticed are really quality guys and have great character

00:13:46.720 the catch is that none of these guys have ever asked me out i want a guy who will pursue me

00:13:51.440 so i'm hesitant to try and make the first move or ask the guy out any advice for trying to attract

00:13:56.320 the guys that i'm desiring to date without being too forward also i'd love your advice on ways to

00:14:01.680 meet guys who share those core values and faith as i feel like i'm hitting a dead end at church

00:14:06.400 so i totally understand your question here i think i felt the same way when i was your age i felt like

00:14:12.800 all of the guys that were interested in me were not the guys that i could really date they were guys

00:14:17.200 who didn't share my values or who didn't share my faith and i just couldn't get the guys who i was

00:14:22.960 actually interested in who did share my faith and my values to be interested in me so i very much

00:14:28.320 understand your problem here now whenever i read these kinds of questions from you guys i don't

00:14:34.000 necessarily know exactly what parts of the problem are external and are being caused by other people

00:14:39.280 or are internal and maybe are things you have to work on and so looking at your email i can only give

00:14:46.240 you advice about what you can change and what you can improve and the fact of the matter is that's kind

00:14:51.440 of true all the time most of the time we can't change what's going on externally we can only change

00:14:57.200 our own decision making and also our own inputs in a sense so i'm gonna give you some advice about

00:15:02.800 what you could do to attract the kind of guy that you want i think the thing you have to try and figure

00:15:07.440 out is what are you projecting because i know that i was not projecting the kind of values and faith

00:15:14.880 and life goals that i really had and so the guys who are attracted to me were attracted to me because

00:15:19.920 of my personality and there was the chemistry there but they weren't attracted to me from the

00:15:25.200 compatibility perspective they didn't look at me and immediately assume that my faith and my values

00:15:31.280 and the things that i wanted out of life were important to me they just thought that oh i was

00:15:36.320 a fun person to hang around with and then the guys who did have really strong values and who really did

00:15:41.600 have strong faith didn't see that again they kind of were equivalent they didn't see that those were

00:15:46.720 important to me so they didn't express interest in the same way so a good example of this is the fact that

00:15:52.400 i was an opera singer and i was very proud of being an opera singer and i was very open about being

00:15:56.880 an opera singer and i of course i'm still an opera singer but at the time that was my major life goal

00:16:04.400 and being an opera singer is not conducive to having a traditional family life it's not conducive to having

00:16:10.400 a life where you can really be at home and be a good mom and be around your spouse you're traveling a lot

00:16:16.320 and it doesn't necessarily reflect on your faith or your values and so the people that i was

00:16:22.240 theoretically interested in saw oh she is an opera singer she's not going to be interested in the

00:16:26.480 same things that i am she's not going to share my values she's not going to share my life goals

00:16:30.000 the guys who were interested in me thought that hey she's an opera singer she doesn't really care

00:16:34.800 about getting married she doesn't really care about having a family and maybe she's even liberal she

00:16:39.840 probably doesn't even have conservative values and i was very lucky in the sense that i met my husband

00:16:45.920 actually while i was still being very open and loud about being an opera singer and hadn't shown to

00:16:53.520 the world that my values matter to me and my husband and i met we hit it off chemistry wise and when we

00:17:01.360 talked we realized that our compatibility was great too because he did look past that immediate okay well

00:17:08.080 she doesn't necessarily have conservative values or faith he didn't know that i did right off the

00:17:14.080 bat he he asked and that was what allowed us to progress and our relationship to grow because when

00:17:20.800 he asked those questions it also had me thinking about those questions and thinking about okay does the

00:17:26.640 opera singer lifestyle really make sense for the life that i want now you're asking the right questions

00:17:32.080 at the right age you are asking the question of how can i get the guys that i'm interested in

00:17:37.600 interested in me too and to do so you need to project that you are somebody who cares about the

00:17:43.680 same things that they do and it's possible that at this point that you're not projecting those things

00:17:49.200 so consider is there a way for me to show that my faith matters to me is there a way for me to show

00:17:55.120 that i want a more traditional lifestyle is there a way for me to show that my values are important

00:18:00.320 are you dressing in a way that's not reflecting what you believe are you talking about your career in a

00:18:05.760 way that's showing that you have your priorities in order those kinds of things are going to attract

00:18:11.520 the right kind of guy the other great thing is that by being part of a church you're already part

00:18:16.160 of a network so you can ask your friends and your guy friends and your girlfriends what kind of vibe

00:18:23.920 am i putting out that would not attract the kind of guy that i want and what kind of things can i do

00:18:28.960 more of to attract the kind of guys that i would like and your friends can give you an insight into

00:18:35.120 your behaviors that it's very hard to get on your own so relying on your friends relying on your family

00:18:41.200 members relying on the other people at your church who you can get some words of wisdom from they can

00:18:47.280 offer you a little bit of guidance in the situations where you may not necessarily notice that you're putting

00:18:53.040 out a certain vibe the next question is what are your thoughts on women keeping their maiden names

00:18:58.400 or hyphenating i am nowhere near getting married but i think about this from time to time i don't see

00:19:03.360 any issues with a woman taking her husband's last name or children having their father's last name but

00:19:07.840 i feel like i would be letting go of part of my identity my last name is really important to me and i

00:19:12.480 can't imagine being called something else i feel like a lot of women feel the same way but just go with

00:19:16.960 it because it's what everyone does then again i can't imagine having kids one day and having a different

00:19:21.520 last name than them right now i feel like hyphenating is the best option for everyone

00:19:25.840 so that the woman can keep that part of her identity but also share the family name but i'm

00:19:29.920 interested to know your thoughts i think this is a really interesting question and i think there are

00:19:34.160 a lot of women who are more traditional but in 2020 this is something that a lot of women think about

00:19:40.160 is that should i be taking my husband's last name is this patriarchal am i losing a part of who i am

00:19:46.400 as someone who readily and happily changed my last name to become a wife i am somebody who is a huge

00:19:54.560 proponent of taking your husband's last name i also can understand the idea that i very much

00:20:00.400 was tied to the last name that i had before i got married but when i met my husband i was so excited

00:20:07.520 to start this new chapter of my life and to respect my husband by taking his last name and the fact that

00:20:13.920 the two of us are now joining our lives together and by taking your husband's last name you're really

00:20:19.200 saying this is my family now this is my family now yes i'm still my you know my parents child but this

00:20:26.800 family is the family that we're going to start together and as a team and i i think it's a really

00:20:33.680 special gift that we as women get from our husbands we get their last name now we are a part of their

00:20:40.800 family and our children are going to have our last name as a couple and also it's a gift that you can

00:20:47.360 give to your husband that i respect you and i want to be a part of this family that you are now the

00:20:54.560 father of and you are my husband and i just think it's a really beautiful gesture on both people's end

00:21:00.960 to have the same last name and to start that family that the two of you are going to build the next

00:21:06.880 question is my fiance and i are really young 19 and 21. we know we want to get married though and we

00:21:13.120 are set on planning the rest of our lives together no fear of future separation of anything we're also

00:21:18.400 very devout christians or at least always trying to be thing is he wants to just get married now

00:21:23.680 while we are in school still living in our parents homes because he can't wait and wants me to be his

00:21:28.080 wife already but he still has one to two more years of school and i have about three or four grad school

00:21:33.920 i'm not even sure if i can manage to make sure we can have a wedding when i'm in graduate school

00:21:37.760 because of how busy i'm going to be i'm also a little anxious about getting married because i

00:21:41.920 just can't devote a lot of good thought to it right now i want to be in control and do what i would

00:21:46.320 like not just let my mom plan the whole thing while i'm away in school basically so i guess my short

00:21:51.200 question is my fiance wants to get married soon but i'm not sure that i have the bandwidth to devote to

00:21:55.520 it right now school anxiety etc how would you discuss marriage and patience with him in this

00:22:00.240 situation while still being loving it's a hard situation but we usually just avoid talking

00:22:04.720 about marriage altogether because it's become a bit of a sore subject until i feel confident enough

00:22:08.800 about my ability to devote time to it i feel bad like i'm the one causing the trouble with my anxiety

00:22:14.560 we love being engaged and we both want to be married but there are bigger things in the way and

00:22:18.320 we just need to be patient praying that god will see things through for us it hasn't been easy but we

00:22:22.720 know it will be worth it so i think this is a really interesting question and one that i'm sure

00:22:27.840 it has put stress on your relationship and makes things difficult so the first thing i want to say

00:22:32.960 is that being engaged in my opinion has made this situation a little bit more difficult getting

00:22:39.600 engaged is like standing on the edge of a diving board ready to jump in that's how it feels being

00:22:46.000 engaged is like i'm ready to do this but i have not done it yet and that's why long engagements are

00:22:51.520 really hard on people because again you have all those downsides of marriage the stress of planning

00:22:56.320 a wedding the stress of being committed but not really being committed the stress of knowing

00:23:02.240 you made a choice but not being able to live together without all the upsides of marriage which

00:23:06.320 is living together having that commitment being able to consummate your relationship i mean being

00:23:12.480 married is a great thing being engaged is really hard so you guys being engaged and not having a wedding date

00:23:20.080 i would say would probably make you guys even more stressed about this than if you weren't engaged at

00:23:25.200 all and that does make things trickier and what i realized when i was reading your email is that it

00:23:30.960 seems like a lot of your argument is about the wedding planning and for somebody who doesn't care about

00:23:37.680 the wedding i don't know that your fiance feels this way but a lot of men don't care about the wedding

00:23:43.040 they just want to get married so you continually saying i am stressed about planning the wedding i want to

00:23:48.960 have a wedding that looks like this and feels like this that's not going to be a convincing argument

00:23:53.840 to your fiance who doesn't care at all about what the wedding actually looks like he just wants to

00:23:59.120 be married to you and trying to explain to him that the wedding is important to you you know that may

00:24:05.360 not be the best way to get across to him that this is too soon also for somebody like me who thinks

00:24:11.920 that weddings are very nice thing and are fun to plan they also aren't the most important thing the

00:24:17.760 marriage is so he may not understand why the wedding does matter to you because he just wants

00:24:24.800 to be married to you but from the way it sounds in your email it sounds like if you guys were to get

00:24:30.320 married right now you would still be living apart and in your parents homes not living together as a

00:24:36.480 sovereign couple and that's what marriage is marriage is about being a sovereign couple and being able

00:24:42.080 to start your own family that's why people get married and that's what the function of marriage

00:24:47.520 is is that the two of you are going to get married so that now you can support each other and support

00:24:51.600 whatever children you you have so you guys getting married and then not living together and not actually

00:24:59.280 having your own home that doesn't serve the purpose of what marriage is for and it is really hard in today's day and age when we are

00:25:06.640 we are investing so much time into school and into education where it feels like well i should just

00:25:13.120 delay and delay and delay until i'm out of school and done with everything and then we can get married

00:25:18.960 and i'm not a proponent of that i don't think that people need to wait until they're done with their

00:25:23.120 education to get married because your education can take many many years and you don't want to have a

00:25:28.880 situation where you're 30 and you guys are not married yet now you guys are very young still but that is

00:25:34.160 something that happens pretty frequently in our culture where people don't want to get married

00:25:38.240 until they're out of school and done completely but the two of you should at least be living on your

00:25:43.360 own when you get married if you can't live on your own after you get married then it is too soon for

00:25:49.280 you to get married you guys need to be able to have your own place start your own home and really just

00:25:55.120 begin your life as your own family now that doesn't necessarily mean that you guys have to be doing this

00:26:00.560 all on your own without assistance that your parents can't be assisting you at all and that

00:26:05.200 all of your school loans need to be paid off because again it is hard in today's day and age to do all

00:26:10.800 those things as a young person and getting a little bit of assistance so that you guys can have a life

00:26:17.280 together is not out of the question it just means that you guys need to figure out when will we be able to

00:26:25.440 have a sovereign family and that is the conversation that you guys should be having not about the wedding

00:26:31.600 not about the party not about the planning but about okay when can we actually have a married life

00:26:37.760 that means marriage that doesn't just mean we have rings on our fingers but really means okay we have

00:26:43.920 started our lives together well i have so many more questions here but i have been sitting in front of

00:26:49.840 my camera for about an hour and a half and i think i'm gonna have to call it quits here i was planning

00:26:54.960 on doing 15 questions but five i think is just gonna have to do it for today so i hope you guys

00:27:01.920 enjoyed today's video let me know in the comments what you guys think about these questions what your

00:27:06.720 advice would be i'd love to hear your thoughts i think i'm going to do a series of these because i did

00:27:11.440 get quite a few more questions that i'd love to answer but thank you guys so much for watching today's

00:27:15.680 video please subscribe to my channel and blog if you haven't already head over to my twitter

00:27:20.000 instagram and facebook and follow me there hit that notification bell to get notified of all my

00:27:23.600 new videos hit that like button please head over to classicallyabbey.locals.com if you'd like to

00:27:28.320 support my channel see more of this content and be part of our community and i'll see you guys in my next

00:27:32.720 video bye

Classically Abby - November 27, 2020

DON'T Waste Your Time With A Man Who Won't Commit. ｜｜ Answering YOUR Hard Relationship Questions!

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