Classically Abby - August 06, 2020


My FAITH Story ✡️ ｜｜ I had doubts...but here's what I've learned as a Jewish woman!


Episode Stats

Length

14 minutes

Words per Minute

205.63937

Word Count

3,012

Sentence Count

214

Misogynist Sentences

2

Hate Speech Sentences

10


Summary

In this episode, I talk about my faith story and how I got to where I am today. I share a little bit about my experience growing up as a modern Orthodox Jewish girl and how it shaped my faith.


Transcript

00:00:00.060 Hello beautiful ladies and welcome to today's video where we're going to be talking about my faith story.
00:00:08.360 So as I've talked about on my channel quite a bit, I'm Jewish and I would say that my faith has taken quite a journey to where it's at now and I'm looking forward to where it's going to go.
00:00:19.540 So I really wanted to share with you guys a little bit about my story because I grew up Orthodox.
00:00:23.680 Right now I would say that we are Orthodox aspiring, we're not actually Orthodox as of right now, although we believe that the tenets of Orthodoxy are what we should be keeping.
00:00:33.240 But there is a story for me for how I got to this point and how I know where we're aiming for.
00:00:38.300 And I really wanted to share it with you because faith can be something that is really hard for a lot of people.
00:00:44.040 And living in a society where faith is a lot of the time looked at as something that's kind of silly and something to be brushed aside,
00:00:49.660 it can be hard to deal with your doubts when it comes to faith.
00:00:53.120 And I definitely understand that feeling.
00:00:55.560 So I really wanted to talk about my story when it comes to faith, my journey, and really just share with you guys where I was and where I'm at now and where I'm going.
00:01:04.260 So let's get into it.
00:01:05.460 So I grew up Orthodox and what that means is that I grew up keeping all of the laws that are laid out in the Torah.
00:01:12.180 Now the Torah actually has two parts.
00:01:14.180 It has the written Torah and the oral Torah, which was written down later.
00:01:18.440 And I grew up modern Orthodox.
00:01:20.260 So modern Orthodox believes that you should be part of the secular world and also keep all of the Jewish laws.
00:01:27.100 You're not trying to keep yourself apart in the same way as many more ultra-Orthodox groups do.
00:01:32.680 Now do I judge people who are ultra-Orthodox?
00:01:34.860 No.
00:01:35.300 That's a totally different story and I just happened to grow up modern Orthodox.
00:01:39.020 I like the secular world.
00:01:40.700 I like what it has to offer.
00:01:42.320 And I like that we can learn from each other.
00:01:44.280 But in any case, I did grow up modern Orthodox and I went to Jewish day schools growing up.
00:01:49.840 I lived in a Jewish community and I kept everything that I was supposed to.
00:01:53.960 I kept kosher.
00:01:54.960 I kept Shabbos.
00:01:56.200 I really truly believed in God and I've always believed in God.
00:02:00.340 I've had that strong connection with my creator really this entire time.
00:02:05.400 That's never really wavered.
00:02:06.680 But I was much more engaged with the Jewish community growing up because I was a part of it.
00:02:11.600 I was going to Jewish day schools where I had a dual curriculum.
00:02:14.880 Half of it was Hebrew studies and half of it was English studies.
00:02:17.740 I went to synagogue on Sabbath.
00:02:19.500 Shabbat, Sabbath.
00:02:20.520 Shabbat is the Hebrew word for that.
00:02:22.080 And so I was really keeping everything.
00:02:23.980 I was pretty strict with my own modesty.
00:02:26.100 I only wore skirts that covered the knee.
00:02:28.320 I only wore shirts that covered my shoulder and were actually a bit longer than that.
00:02:32.860 I didn't really wear anything that was more than a few inches lower than my collarbone.
00:02:36.120 I was pretty strict about my standards of modesty and I was living at home.
00:02:39.920 I mean, I was in middle school and high school, so I was definitely living a much more orthodox lifestyle.
00:02:46.460 Then when I went to college, I was still observant, but it was an entirely different experience for me.
00:02:52.700 I had never really been in a situation where I was completely surrounded by people who were secular,
00:02:58.440 where my only social interaction was people who were secular, who didn't believe in God.
00:03:03.600 Some of them were Christian, but there was no Jewish community on campus that was orthodox.
00:03:08.700 That was really like keeping Shabbos and keeping kosher.
00:03:11.520 That wasn't something that really existed on USC's campus.
00:03:15.320 There was a Chabad, which is like an outreach program.
00:03:18.060 But again, there weren't very many orthodox Jews on USC's campus.
00:03:21.920 Now, UCLA has a huge orthodox Jewish community.
00:03:25.080 It's a running joke in LA that there's a rivalry between USC and UCLA.
00:03:28.680 Well, UCLA did have the positive that it did have an orthodox Jewish community, whereas USC didn't.
00:03:33.480 I did live at home, so that did make things a lot easier because I could go home every night
00:03:37.660 and I was still keeping kosher at home and I was still keeping Shabbos with my parents and with my family.
00:03:42.600 So that really did help just living at home during that period.
00:03:46.220 But my entire social circle didn't keep Sabbath and didn't keep kosher.
00:03:50.600 And so that made things really hard.
00:03:52.320 Now, the other really big part of it was that I am an opera singer.
00:03:56.200 So I was supposed to be performing on Friday nights and Saturday nights and Sunday nights.
00:04:00.360 And the Jewish Sabbath goes from sundown on Friday to an hour after sundown on Saturday.
00:04:04.520 And there are a lot of restrictions about what you're able to do on that day because it should be a true day of rest.
00:04:09.940 So it made things complicated when I couldn't really perform on Friday nights.
00:04:15.660 Or if I did, I would have to sleep down there.
00:04:17.980 It was very hard.
00:04:19.000 The nice thing about opera is that you don't have to perform with microphones and you're not really allowed to use electricity on Shabbos.
00:04:24.780 So I didn't have that issue.
00:04:26.940 But there were a lot of other issues that came up where there were some Friday nights where they asked me to perform and I said I wouldn't perform.
00:04:32.820 I wasn't comfortable with it.
00:04:34.140 And it just made things very difficult for me.
00:04:37.280 Now, I will say, for the most part, USC was very understanding about that.
00:04:41.780 And they really did try and work with me on it.
00:04:43.760 But it was something that I kind of knew in the back of my head that it was going to come up and come up and come up throughout the course of my opera career that I would have to perform on Friday nights.
00:04:54.140 And was I comfortable with that?
00:04:55.340 Because that was my Sabbath.
00:04:56.840 And even though there were sort of loopholes that I could use to do it, it was something that I really struggled with.
00:05:02.300 Because as I got older and as I wanted to be a mother, I didn't necessarily want to be away from my children on our day of rest.
00:05:08.880 So this was something I was really struggling with while I was at USC.
00:05:11.960 Which, by the way, I don't know if I mentioned is University of Southern California.
00:05:15.060 But it didn't shake the core of my faith.
00:05:17.360 I was really comfortable with being Orthodox.
00:05:19.920 It was a little tricky for me.
00:05:21.440 But I was okay with what I was doing.
00:05:24.000 And I still had that really strong belief in God.
00:05:26.720 And I enjoyed observing the laws.
00:05:28.360 So it wasn't a huge problem until I got to New York.
00:05:32.880 So New York was the big game changer when it came to my faith journey.
00:05:38.480 When I got to New York, I auditioned for the opera at my school, at Manhattan School of Music.
00:05:44.060 And I was immediately offered a main role in the opera.
00:05:47.200 Which was really hard to do as a first year entering Manhattan School of Music.
00:05:51.500 It almost never happens.
00:05:53.060 And so when I was offered that role, I was like, oh my gosh, this is amazing.
00:05:56.420 This is the whole reason I came to New York.
00:05:59.180 But I got the call that I had to perform on Friday night.
00:06:02.540 And at this point, I really hadn't performed on Friday nights yet.
00:06:05.860 So this was a big step and a big choice for me.
00:06:09.020 Did I want to take the role?
00:06:10.280 Did I want to stay at this grad program where I was never going to be able to perform if I didn't perform on Friday nights?
00:06:16.740 And so I made the decision at that point that I was going to perform on Friday nights.
00:06:20.660 I was going to work on every loophole.
00:06:22.560 I walked to every rehearsal because I wasn't allowed to get in a car.
00:06:25.540 That's like another part of the electricity thing.
00:06:28.600 I wouldn't use any electronics when I was there.
00:06:31.440 I couldn't really write down with a pencil.
00:06:33.520 I was really keeping as much of the law as I could.
00:06:36.560 But I really wanted to perform.
00:06:38.480 And that was the first step of me feeling really shaky with my faith.
00:06:42.320 Now that was only part of it.
00:06:44.260 Because my belief in God at that point didn't change.
00:06:47.840 I had a really good relationship with God.
00:06:49.580 I felt very strong about my relationship with him.
00:06:52.480 I felt very strong about my relationship with observance.
00:06:55.340 I understood that I was sort of playing a little bit fast and loose with the rules.
00:06:59.200 But I was trying my best, my very, very best, to avoid breaking any of the laws that really, really mattered.
00:07:05.400 And it wasn't until I was living on the Upper West Side in New York.
00:07:09.360 And I was trying to be a part of the Jewish community there, which is a lot of singles.
00:07:12.900 And I ended up dating a couple of really bad guys.
00:07:16.780 And that, I think, was the beginning of me wanting to take a step back from my observance.
00:07:24.440 And it was a big mistake.
00:07:26.160 Because I think I could have found comfort in God in those moments.
00:07:29.260 But instead, I blamed God and Judaism for making those men bad.
00:07:36.080 Now this is a very, very big problem.
00:07:38.740 Relating a religion with one person's practice of it doesn't make sense.
00:07:44.160 Because these two men said that they were Jewish and were practicing and were Orthodox,
00:07:51.160 but were not really living it out.
00:07:53.280 And that was the big difference.
00:07:55.460 Orthodox Judaism isn't just about rituals.
00:07:57.560 It's not just about laws, which are incredibly important.
00:08:01.260 But it's also about having an ethical and moral basis
00:08:04.080 so that those rituals and laws deepen your faith and deepen your practice.
00:08:09.600 And when these two guys said they were Orthodox Jews, I just believed them.
00:08:13.540 And that was the big problem.
00:08:15.220 Because the fact is, even if you're keeping Shabbos and kosher,
00:08:18.440 but you're a bad person, that doesn't make you an Orthodox Jew.
00:08:22.060 You're ignoring the base of what everything else is built on.
00:08:25.200 And I couldn't comprehend that at the time.
00:08:28.580 And I was so upset that I had dated these two bad guys,
00:08:33.120 that I had been put in bad positions,
00:08:34.540 that I decided to take a step back from my faith.
00:08:37.680 Now, I knew that I always wanted to marry a Jew.
00:08:40.240 I knew I wanted to raise my children Orthodox.
00:08:43.360 So what's funny is that when I did that,
00:08:45.340 it really didn't change kind of that base level of,
00:08:49.000 I still believe in God.
00:08:50.140 I still believe in Orthodox Judaism.
00:08:52.200 But I just couldn't practice it at that moment.
00:08:55.180 And also at that time,
00:08:56.680 I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that
00:08:58.600 God can still love you,
00:09:00.660 even if you're not practicing every single thing,
00:09:03.460 as long as you're still making a journey toward being more faithful,
00:09:08.180 being more observant,
00:09:09.780 being more religious.
00:09:11.160 And so when I took that step back
00:09:13.140 and said,
00:09:13.980 I can't do this right now,
00:09:15.420 I felt like I had to pull away from God too.
00:09:18.300 Even though that wasn't the case.
00:09:21.180 I could have kept my relationship with God
00:09:23.060 and said,
00:09:23.440 okay, I need to take a step back right now,
00:09:25.260 but I'm planning on coming back.
00:09:27.160 That is part of the plan.
00:09:28.600 I just felt simply too guilty
00:09:30.640 to still engage with God.
00:09:33.000 It was a small period of time
00:09:34.280 where I really just didn't relate to God at all.
00:09:36.580 I didn't talk to Him.
00:09:37.620 I didn't pray.
00:09:38.500 Because I just felt like I don't deserve to.
00:09:41.180 I have not done right by Him.
00:09:44.360 And that's wrong.
00:09:45.600 I made a huge mistake when I did that.
00:09:48.180 Because God loved me anyways.
00:09:50.880 He loved that I was trying and struggling
00:09:53.220 and working to be a better person.
00:09:55.940 So that was something that I learned after the fact.
00:09:59.240 That, oh my gosh,
00:10:00.560 I still have a great relationship with God right now,
00:10:04.860 even though I'm not perfectly observant,
00:10:07.400 even though I'm not even close to perfectly observant.
00:10:10.220 And that makes me want to become more religious,
00:10:13.760 want to become more observant,
00:10:15.320 because my relationship with God
00:10:16.580 is not based on discipline or fear in the same way.
00:10:21.220 For me, it's based on love.
00:10:22.780 And that really helped when I did realize
00:10:25.800 that this was a journey
00:10:27.140 and I am planning on becoming more observant over time.
00:10:29.880 So all of this happened.
00:10:32.360 And then I met my husband.
00:10:35.400 And I was introduced to him.
00:10:38.520 And he grew up reform.
00:10:40.360 He really wasn't keeping much of anything.
00:10:43.100 But I told him when we met,
00:10:45.400 even though I wasn't really keeping too much either,
00:10:47.100 that it was very important to me
00:10:49.880 that I become observant by the time I have children
00:10:53.380 and that I be Orthodox by the time I have children,
00:10:56.080 that I marry a Jew, all of that.
00:10:57.780 He was so on the same page, it was crazy.
00:11:01.340 Given that he grew up reform,
00:11:02.740 I would never have known that he would be interested
00:11:05.180 in even trying to become more observant.
00:11:07.400 But he had been on his own faith journey,
00:11:09.920 which was fascinating.
00:11:11.660 I should have him tell his story because it's amazing.
00:11:13.620 It's better than my story.
00:11:14.440 And he was the one when we met that made me feel
00:11:16.700 so much more confident in this decision
00:11:19.360 that we can do this as a team.
00:11:21.380 We're gonna become observant as a team.
00:11:23.380 It matters to us both.
00:11:24.940 This is something we want to imbue in our children,
00:11:28.100 make them love Judaism the way that I used to
00:11:32.320 and the way that he wants to.
00:11:34.900 And that is where we're at.
00:11:37.120 That feeling of, okay, this is a journey.
00:11:40.620 We are here, but we're not gonna stay here.
00:11:43.260 We're gonna move.
00:11:44.220 Move this way and this way and this way
00:11:45.980 and get closer and closer to God over time.
00:11:49.000 And I wanted to address a little bit about
00:11:51.060 the rituals of Judaism
00:11:52.620 because the rituals of Judaism
00:11:54.060 aren't just fun magic stuff.
00:11:57.260 That's not a thing.
00:11:58.400 The base of Judaism is ethical and moral behavior
00:12:00.780 and those rituals which deepen it
00:12:02.560 and deepen your faith and deepen your connection to God
00:12:04.980 and deepen your connection with your community.
00:12:07.440 These two things for Orthodox Jews go hand in hand.
00:12:10.120 You have to do both to really reach your potential
00:12:13.700 as an Orthodox Jew.
00:12:15.600 And a really good example of this is prayer.
00:12:17.540 Prayer is something that teaches us
00:12:19.840 to be more ethical and moral.
00:12:21.440 Like the prayer over food for Jews,
00:12:23.540 we do that not because God needs it,
00:12:26.180 he doesn't need our prayers,
00:12:27.780 but because we need it.
00:12:29.140 We need to be taught to be grateful
00:12:31.000 and to recognize everything that we've been given
00:12:34.040 and recognize that we didn't do it ourselves.
00:12:35.680 That is a huge part of Orthodoxy.
00:12:39.280 And another good example is kosher laws.
00:12:41.440 Kosher laws are a little bit of a question in the Torah.
00:12:44.200 Why do we have these laws?
00:12:45.560 And there's a lot of different people
00:12:47.320 who come up with reasons for them.
00:12:48.520 But the one that I love
00:12:50.140 is when you're talking about mixing meat and dairy,
00:12:53.640 Judaism feels very strongly about not mixing life and death.
00:12:57.060 Those are two very separate things.
00:12:59.080 And so the idea of cooking meat with milk,
00:13:02.320 milk being the thing that gives animals life,
00:13:05.060 and meat being a dead animal,
00:13:07.160 putting those together is not only not kosher,
00:13:09.760 but it's that mixture of life and death
00:13:11.480 that Judaism really wants to avoid.
00:13:13.560 And of course, the idea of cooking a baby goat
00:13:15.200 in its mother's milk is cruel anyways.
00:13:17.120 So that is another huge part of it.
00:13:19.700 But I am so looking forward
00:13:21.040 to keeping the ritual practices more and more
00:13:24.220 as Jacob and I become more and more observant
00:13:26.600 and sharing that with our children.
00:13:28.280 The idea of doing Passover or Hanukkah with my kids
00:13:32.360 gives me so much joy.
00:13:34.480 And I love the idea that my kids
00:13:36.820 are going to be hanging out with their cousins
00:13:38.540 and they'll know all the laws
00:13:40.200 because they're going to be keeping them too.
00:13:41.480 That just makes me so, so happy.
00:13:43.960 I cannot wait for it.
00:13:45.380 But yeah, that's my faith story.
00:13:47.600 That's kind of where we're at,
00:13:49.420 where I started, kind of how I wavered.
00:13:52.000 I really wanted to share that with you guys
00:13:53.420 because faith is a journey for all of us.
00:13:56.280 We're all on a different path
00:13:57.700 and we're all figuring it out as we go along
00:13:59.580 and we all have a different relationship with our creators.
00:14:01.740 So I'd love to hear your guys' story in the comments.
00:14:05.740 I'd love to hear where you're at
00:14:07.240 and where you came from.
00:14:08.300 If you don't feel comfortable sharing the whole thing,
00:14:10.280 maybe just share your favorite holiday
00:14:12.140 if you don't want to get into something really deep.
00:14:14.680 But I would love to hear your guys' thoughts.
00:14:16.800 Thank you guys so much for watching today's video.
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00:14:35.820 And I'll see you guys in my next video.
00:14:38.380 Bye!