Classically Abby - Nikki Phillippi On Being Cancelled, Miscarriage, And Living Life On Her Terms ⧸⧸ Ep. 10

00:00:00.000 Chatting with Nikki Phillippe all about motherhood, YouTube, and surviving being canceled.

00:00:05.500 All this and more on today's episode of the Classically Abbey podcast.

00:00:09.440 Transcription by CastingWords

00:00:39.440 So excited to have Nikki on the show. Hi.

00:00:42.920 Hi, Abbey. I am so excited to be here.

00:00:45.980 I feel like this has been in the making for a while, and I'm just very pumped to be here.

00:00:50.560 Yes. I mean, we have been talking about doing something like this for a long time,

00:00:54.340 so I'm so excited I'm getting to introduce you to my subscribers.

00:00:58.060 Let's get started with the first question.

00:01:00.140 So you started YouTube 13 years ago.

00:01:03.780 What made you want to start creating content?

00:01:06.000 When did you start kind of getting followers, and how would you say that you've changed since you started?

00:01:12.780 Oh, my gosh. I have so many thoughts around that.

00:01:15.240 So first off, yeah, like you said, I started 12 to 13 years ago,

00:01:19.560 and the Internet was obviously a completely different place back then.

00:01:24.280 It was much more unknown, like how this could even be anything.

00:01:27.640 Honestly, it was just really exciting.

00:01:30.800 When I was a little girl, I used to just make videos for fun, and I would like show them to my family.

00:01:35.440 And my mom would literally say, wow, it's just too bad you can't do this for a living.

00:01:39.960 Like, you really love this.

00:01:41.460 So it was really wild to walk like into my teenage years and then my young adult years

00:01:46.980 and watch the Internet and this whole world of, like, posting your own content

00:01:51.540 and things that you made online come to life.

00:01:54.780 And I feel really blessed.

00:01:56.420 Like, this whole world of, you know, video making and podcasting and all of it is still obviously so new.

00:02:03.760 And I really do, even though I've been here in space for 13 years almost,

00:02:07.940 in some ways I still feel like I'm at the beginning of, like, this just exciting change in content creation.

00:02:15.180 And I just, I love it.

00:02:16.300 So that was kind of a side note, but I, yeah, 13 years, started posting videos online.

00:02:21.600 I was one of those people that when I posted, I was really embarrassed to be doing it.

00:02:26.340 So, like, I didn't tell anyone.

00:02:29.120 I didn't even tell my family, I don't think.

00:02:30.820 And I was filming in their house for, like, the first couple weeks maybe.

00:02:34.240 I didn't, like, share it with friends.

00:02:36.420 I really wanted to see if anybody other than, like, my friends would care about my content.

00:02:42.280 So I just posted on YouTube.

00:02:43.860 It took me about six months to get the guts to actually do it.

00:02:46.820 I actually kept uploading and then taking it down, like, 10 minutes later.

00:02:49.660 Oh, this is dumb.

00:02:50.280 I'm so embarrassed.

00:02:51.440 And then finally, in December of 2010, I was just like, I'm just going to put it up

00:02:55.080 and I'm just going to leave it there.

00:02:56.120 Like, I don't need to mess with it.

00:02:57.860 I'll just see what happens.

00:02:59.620 And kind of one thing led to the next where I just kept uploading, kept posting,

00:03:04.860 kept talking to people.

00:03:06.420 Um, to where, like, I slowly started growing.

00:03:10.160 Now, in the beginning, it was pretty slow.

00:03:13.160 I'd say for the first, like, six to eight months, maybe even a year.

00:03:17.040 And then just like you and I connecting right now, I feel like connecting with other YouTubers

00:03:21.160 is, like, the best way to get exposure.

00:03:24.060 And that's pretty much what happened to me.

00:03:25.480 I ended up becoming connected with a whole group of YouTubers out of Los Angeles.

00:03:29.720 And that's really what started, like, forwarding my YouTube presence online because I was doing

00:03:37.300 a bunch of collabs and started kind of upping my production quality and, you know, filming

00:03:41.360 on things other than my laptop and my phone.

00:03:43.460 And, um, it was just, it was a wild ride.

00:03:47.200 And it was even earlier, obviously, back then.

00:03:49.200 So it was quite the experience.

00:03:51.540 I don't know which way to go.

00:03:52.240 And you know I can talk 12 years.

00:03:53.300 But that's kind of the simple answer is once I started collabing with other YouTubers, that's

00:03:58.180 when things really started taking off.

00:04:00.220 And I started getting subscribers.

00:04:02.080 Yeah.

00:04:02.280 And so how would you say that you have changed since starting YouTube and kind of, you know,

00:04:07.520 now you're doing a lot of content that's focused on motherhood and cooking and slow living.

00:04:12.580 So what maybe is your mission now that it wasn't when you first started?

00:04:18.140 And what do you want to share with your audience?

00:04:20.700 Yeah.

00:04:21.160 I mean, it's interesting because my general mission is very similar to when I started of

00:04:27.080 wanting to like encourage people to live the best life that they can live, as corny as

00:04:31.740 that sounds, and be the best them.

00:04:33.880 That's a better way to put it.

00:04:34.920 Like really caring for themselves and going after the things that they love.

00:04:38.860 That's kind of always been a part of my channel.

00:04:41.900 But I've definitely changed a lot over the course online in the sense that like, I mean,

00:04:47.600 even up until a couple of years ago, I didn't know if I, for example, this maybe sounds

00:04:52.080 random, but not if you're a viewer of mine.

00:04:53.700 I didn't know if I even wanted biological children for a long time.

00:04:57.980 There were a lot of layers to that.

00:05:00.780 You know, some of them, I think were some of those feelings were being influenced.

00:05:04.260 I've realized now looking back by culture, you know, when I first had my son, it like

00:05:09.420 occurred to me, oh my gosh, this is why Satan or just evil people in the world don't want

00:05:15.940 people to have babies because it's so, for me, it was so eyeopening.

00:05:19.620 I mean, the first thing I blurted out was like, how can you not believe in God?

00:05:23.400 Because it was so shocking, Abby.

00:05:26.740 Like, I know we all know where babies come from.

00:05:29.180 Right.

00:05:29.460 But then for me, at least once I experienced it, it was a completely like just soul altering

00:05:36.340 world changing experience.

00:05:39.320 And so that kind of sounds weird.

00:05:41.720 I'm referencing my son, but that's been a big pivot on my channel.

00:05:44.800 You know, I love art and music and dance.

00:05:48.540 And that had been a lot.

00:05:50.000 Ooh, knocking my tea over.

00:05:51.480 That has been a lot of my focus.

00:05:52.780 I had like a production company in LA and, and it still is to a degree, but my life has

00:05:58.160 so re-centered around my family and my son and hopefully having more children that a lot

00:06:05.160 of my content has pivoted towards that, towards this like family content, but also just in

00:06:11.100 terms of like a mission statement or like my goal, like you said, wanting to really just

00:06:16.600 show, I don't even know how to word this, like the positive side, quote unquote, that's

00:06:21.140 a weird way to word it, but like of motherhood and family life.

00:06:24.800 No, I mean, we live in an era where motherhood is not always shown in a positive light because

00:06:29.180 it doesn't really go with the, with the media narrative, with the cultural narrative.

00:06:33.700 So it's important for us mothers to show, no, motherhood is amazing.

00:06:38.960 Is it hard?

00:06:40.120 Of course, absolutely.

00:06:42.100 But in every moment it's worth it.

00:06:44.260 Yes.

00:06:44.740 Yeah.

00:06:44.960 And it's so interesting because there's some YouTubers that I follow that are more like

00:06:48.820 on the left side of the political spectrum and, you know, they've commented on the motherhood

00:06:53.940 thing and they have like a different perspective.

00:06:55.660 They feel like motherhood is like elevated in the mainstream media.

00:06:59.560 And it's fascinating to hear them talk about this.

00:07:01.220 Cause I'm like, whoa, I had the exact opposite feeling.

00:07:05.080 Like when I thought of being a mother, I really just thought like it was a worthwhile endeavor.

00:07:10.080 Like, okay, that's what we're supposed to do.

00:07:12.000 But I just thought it was just nonstop hard.

00:07:15.800 And that's kind of all I focus on.

00:07:17.160 Like an undue sacrifice, like a burden that you're going to just constantly going to have

00:07:21.260 to have on your shoulders that I guess we do because we want to be good people.

00:07:24.860 But like at the end of the day, when you look at your child, you're thinking once you have

00:07:29.660 a child, and I was talking to my husband about this, it's such a weird thing because you can't,

00:07:34.200 you legitimately can not describe what it's like to be a parent until you are one.

00:07:38.360 No, you can't.

00:07:39.140 You can't.

00:07:39.800 And it's so sad.

00:07:40.740 It's like really a sad thing because people always say that to you.

00:07:43.980 They're like, oh, it's different with your kid.

00:07:45.600 And you're like, yeah, I don't get that.

00:07:47.720 I don't understand what you mean.

00:07:49.560 And then you have your own child and you're like, oh, now I'm part of the club that gets

00:07:53.240 that.

00:07:55.240 Yes, it really is.

00:07:56.140 And I don't know, man, it's, it was, I mean, once again, to say soul altering is like such

00:08:01.440 a perfect way to put it because yes, everything you just said about looking out at the world

00:08:05.480 and thinking, oh, this is just going to be nothing but hardship, honestly.

00:08:09.220 And like, oh, I'm sure I'll love them.

00:08:10.980 No, I had no idea that like right there with, yes, it is hard.

00:08:15.840 It's difficult to be a parent, but literally people were not kidding right there at the

00:08:20.120 same level or potentially infinitely more, honestly, is this deep, like love and passion.

00:08:26.660 I mean, you know, you understand, but I didn't, I didn't get that obviously.

00:08:30.940 And, um, I get it.

00:08:33.020 Well, on that topic, on that topic of you becoming a mom, uh, I feel like we have to

00:08:38.140 talk about being pro-life because I think, have you always been openly pro-life or is

00:08:44.000 that more of a recent thing and would you say that motherhood has made you more pro-life

00:08:48.800 or is it just kind of part and parcel of, of your views?

00:08:53.940 Yeah.

00:08:54.240 You know, it's interesting because I've always been openly conservative online, but in a lot

00:08:58.860 of ways, it's like, I had like my own little corner of the internet in some ways, like people

00:09:03.260 just didn't notice.

00:09:04.540 I don't know.

00:09:04.920 It's weird.

00:09:05.500 So you can like search my name, ask Nikki, and you'll find all these videos from like a

00:09:09.600 decade ago of me talking about, you know, sex within marriage and how that's the way

00:09:13.580 I believe that God created it to be.

00:09:16.500 Um, and so I talk about all of these things.

00:09:17.820 I'm pretty sure I talked about being pro-life.

00:09:20.220 I uploaded like a thousand videos to that channel and I was very open, literally very

00:09:24.340 open with like just my worldview and my faith perspective.

00:09:28.080 Um, but I have become more open in some of my, like on my main channel and the content

00:09:34.060 that I put out, that's become a little more, um, I don't know, like I'll state my opinion

00:09:38.380 a little more freely for a lot of different reasons that we may talk about in this interview,

00:09:42.000 but it's definitely become more on the forefront of what I talk about.

00:09:46.980 But yeah, I always have been, I always have been pro-life.

00:09:49.580 It's always made sense to me that a life is a life from the beginning.

00:09:52.860 And if it's not a life from the beginning, obviously, I mean, you know, this has been

00:09:56.540 talked over and over.

00:09:57.720 It's like, well, then where, where is that line?

00:09:59.700 Who's deciding that line?

00:10:01.120 That's never the idea of like, oh no, now it's a life.

00:10:04.180 And before it wasn't has never resonated with me.

00:10:06.520 Um, and then I know that you and I share this in common.

00:10:10.380 I had a miscarriage last year and that honestly just elevated those feelings even more.

00:10:16.340 Um, I think I told you this, I miscarried my baby at home in our bathtub.

00:10:20.100 And so getting to hold our baby in my hand, um, and see that it was a baby was very, I mean,

00:10:29.720 obviously it was devastating, but it was informative and, you know, once again, soul changing in

00:10:36.320 the sense of like, wow, this is what's going on.

00:10:39.180 This is what's going on in my body.

00:10:40.460 And I miscarried it 10 and a half weeks.

00:10:42.500 So very early, but late enough to where I was, I was holding a little baby.

00:10:47.160 Um, so actually, uh, maybe a couple of months ago when I don't remember which outlet it

00:10:51.500 did, I think it was the guardian.

00:10:52.420 That's right.

00:10:53.060 They put out that article, um, saying like what a miscarriage or what a baby really looks

00:10:57.520 like, or a fetus really looks like at 10 weeks.

00:10:59.840 And I was so flabbergasted because I would have never known.

00:11:03.180 I mean, I would have assumed they're wrong and they're lying, but I would have never known

00:11:06.880 factually had I not miscarried that they're in fact completely lying.

00:11:10.800 And so that's been on a side note, really weird to walk through in the last year to see

00:11:15.320 the lengths to which the mainstream media are willing to go in order to call a baby,

00:11:20.720 a fetus and to disconnect people from those emotions.

00:11:24.220 Sorry, that was all over the map, but no, I loved it.

00:11:27.140 I loved it, especially because, you know, I miscarried technically at 12 weeks, but it

00:11:31.760 was a missed miscarriage.

00:11:32.780 So it happened at 10 weeks really.

00:11:34.360 Um, and it was a similar experience for me where I knew I was pro-life before, but then

00:11:41.820 having a miscarriage made me that much more.

00:11:44.180 So like I went from being, I always say this as a joke.

00:11:47.060 People have heard me say it before, but I'll say it again because it's actually true, which

00:11:50.540 is that before I had a miscarriage, I was like, okay, well, we'll have three kids and

00:11:54.400 we're going to have it at this point and this point and this point, and we'll just plan it

00:11:57.840 all out.

00:11:58.380 And then I had a miscarriage and I was like, I'm going to have 100 babies and I don't care

00:12:02.260 when it happens.

00:12:04.360 That's so, yeah, just completely opened your, was it, what is that, the connection that

00:12:09.280 made you go from like three babies to like, oh my gosh, I want a hundred.

00:12:11.880 I feel like it's going over my head, even though that's so sweet.

00:12:14.580 Yeah.

00:12:14.900 Well, for me, it was that I, during my initial, my, my first pregnancy, I had taken for granted

00:12:21.820 that things were going to be healthy and that, you know, being sick was, was annoying.

00:12:27.140 And I was like frustrated that I had morning sickness.

00:12:29.860 And so I went through that first trimester.

00:12:34.200 I felt being sort of ungrateful while still being grateful I was pregnant, but being as

00:12:41.100 most women are uncomfortable enough to be like, oh, I really wish I wasn't feeling this

00:12:45.080 way.

00:12:45.320 And that's not to say that anyone shouldn't feel that way.

00:12:48.080 It makes sense that you feel that way because it's really bad and uncomfortable.

00:12:51.980 But by the time I was in my second pregnancy, every day I woke up with morning sickness,

00:12:57.500 I was so grateful to God.

00:12:59.300 And the days that I didn't wake up with morning sickness, I was panicking.

00:13:02.720 And it was a huge mental shift for me to go from, you know, this is going to be kind

00:13:10.000 of similar to what we're talking about, about motherhood.

00:13:11.820 This is going to be a burden on me.

00:13:14.920 Pregnancy is going to be a burden.

00:13:16.480 Yeah.

00:13:16.960 Anytime I go through it to however many times I go through pregnancy, it's a gift.

00:13:20.840 However many babies I have, it's a gift because I'm never going to take for granted that I'm

00:13:27.460 able to carry a child to term.

00:13:30.820 So that's how it changed for me where I went from like, oh, I want a little bit more of

00:13:35.420 like an organized, stable, things going to my plan and being like, you know what, whatever

00:13:42.700 God's plan is, that's my plan.

00:13:44.780 I don't have as much of a say in things as I want to have.

00:13:48.380 And that's, you know, on a total different note, but maybe something interesting we can

00:13:53.420 talk about is I, um, that's why I'm not like when women think that they can get married

00:13:59.000 later and later and have children later and later, I'm like, you don't know what's going

00:14:03.620 to happen with your fertility.

00:14:04.740 Like you just don't.

00:14:06.160 Yeah.

00:14:06.780 Right.

00:14:07.040 Yeah.

00:14:07.440 No, you saying all of that, I'm just sitting here going, oh my gosh, like nodding along

00:14:11.580 because you worded like exactly how I felt after, after that second pregnancy.

00:14:18.240 Um, I said to my husband, I was like, I almost feel like I took it for granted because I really

00:14:23.160 was just caught.

00:14:24.240 But, and, and it's not to take away, like it really is hard when you're sick, you know,

00:14:28.580 like you were saying that, oh man, it's hard.

00:14:30.800 I was like on the floor and just like so sad and it was really hard.

00:14:34.980 That was part of what made miscarrying hard.

00:14:36.560 Right.

00:14:36.800 As you tell yourself, oh, I'm doing this and I'm going to get a baby afterwards.

00:14:39.860 Right.

00:14:40.220 And then to find out like, oh, you're not guaranteed a baby just because you deal with

00:14:45.120 this, um, is really, I mean, just like you said, like we're not in control and that

00:14:49.920 can be a little hard for someone with me or your personality type, maybe to grapple

00:14:55.780 with, um, not to make light of that, but it, yeah, it's hard.

00:14:59.700 No, sorry.

00:15:00.080 You, you, you made a segue comment and I forget what you said about women being married young.

00:15:04.340 Oh, for sure.

00:15:04.800 No, that's all I was going to say.

00:15:06.140 Just your, I guess we could talk about that a little bit about your thoughts on, on this,

00:15:11.640 you know, push for women to go, to really pursue careers before getting in place, you know,

00:15:19.060 their marriage and having children and like focusing on that path to the detriment of

00:15:26.300 getting married and then finding out about their fertility at a point at which fertility

00:15:31.560 is more questionable because theoretically, if you get married at, let's say 24, like I

00:15:37.340 got married at 23 or 24, um, you have a little bit more time to like, oh, okay, I'm not, you

00:15:44.380 know, conceiving and it's been a couple of years, but I'm only 26.

00:15:47.300 So now I can take a little more time to figure it out as opposed to you get married at 35

00:15:51.400 and then you're like, oh, I have two years to figure this out.

00:15:55.400 I'm already into geriatric pregnancy zone.

00:15:58.040 I'm already kind of not sure if this is going to work at all.

00:16:01.380 And women being put in a position of struggling with that.

00:16:04.640 So I guess I wanted to hear your thoughts on that concept.

00:16:08.160 Yeah.

00:16:08.340 It's really interesting.

00:16:09.320 Cause I have, I mean, just like everything, right?

00:16:11.800 I mean, I have like 18 different thoughts around it.

00:16:13.780 First thing to put it perspective, I got married at 20 and my husband was 21.

00:16:18.900 We were right on the cusp of like 21 and 22.

00:16:21.380 Um, and I'm really, really grateful for that.

00:16:25.020 Also just to fill you guys in, I am 35 now.

00:16:27.600 My husband is 36.

00:16:28.480 So we have been married for 15 years together for like 17 years and it's wild.

00:16:34.260 The time flies.

00:16:35.940 And so on that note, I want to just say, first off, um, I think it's really sad that there

00:16:40.740 has been such a shift in terms of like, not only just for women, but obviously for men,

00:16:46.020 like not encouraging people to partner up because there's something so beautiful about

00:16:51.520 looking back now at my twenties.

00:16:53.480 My husband and I talk about this probably once every few months.

00:16:56.340 We're just like, dude.

00:16:57.500 And I just got chills thinking about it.

00:16:59.080 We got to go through all of that together.

00:17:01.660 And it's like such a gift that I have this like decade.

00:17:06.380 I mean, well, 16 years, but thinking back on my twenties, this time where it's like all

00:17:11.300 of those stories and those experiences and the businesses that we started and the places

00:17:15.840 that we lived around the world, because we lived in Singapore and we lived in different

00:17:19.880 States.

00:17:20.320 And it's like, we did all of that together.

00:17:22.980 And it's, I'm so grateful for the gift of have him first off, but having that time to

00:17:30.060 be able to do that with him.

00:17:31.060 And it makes me sad looking at people sometimes who feel like marriage is going to be, it's

00:17:35.980 going to be pulling them down.

00:17:37.020 Or like you said, this general cultural push, like, put it off.

00:17:39.980 Don't tie yourself down.

00:17:41.200 I'm like, oh man, I'm so grateful that I had him through that whole time.

00:17:45.460 Now there's obviously things like not everybody meets the person that they want to spend their

00:17:50.040 whole life with that young.

00:17:51.380 So obviously there's those situations or in my situation, you know, this is another thing.

00:17:57.280 I mean, I was talking to Dan about this last night.

00:17:59.120 It's really weird for me because in some ways I feel like I was a little bit duped by culture

00:18:04.460 in this other way, in terms of children.

00:18:06.680 Like I mentioned in the beginning, I spent a long time thinking like, oh my gosh, they're

00:18:10.520 going to be really, really hard.

00:18:11.700 I was never anti-children.

00:18:13.240 I always knew we would have a family.

00:18:15.720 We went into marriage agreeing on that, but we didn't know how or what that was going to

00:18:20.360 mean.

00:18:21.360 And I've dealt with a lot of, you know, chronic pain and joint injuries.

00:18:24.680 So that was a big part of it.

00:18:25.900 It's, it's not so black and white.

00:18:27.420 I can't just say culture had me fooled or it's just because of my chronic pain.

00:18:31.600 But looking back, I can see that there were, there were layers to that.

00:18:35.280 And, you know, it's really interesting because once again, I feel kind of split part of me,

00:18:40.240 100% agrees with you.

00:18:41.920 What you said about, you know, as you get older, obviously there's no guarantees.

00:18:45.580 Women are born with a certain set, a certain amount of eggs, and they obviously go down

00:18:49.660 in quality as you get older.

00:18:51.260 But on the flip side, there's part of me that feels like there's, this is a little extreme,

00:18:56.240 Abby, but whatever, I'm going to say it.

00:18:57.540 There's part of me that feels like the whole geriatric pregnancy thing is also a little

00:19:01.060 bit of a psyop, if that's the way to put it.

00:19:03.000 No, I, to be clear, I kind of agree with you, but continue.

00:19:07.440 Tell me more.

00:19:08.000 Yeah, I was just going to say, because I feel like culture tells women, wait, wait, wait,

00:19:13.340 don't, don't do it yet.

00:19:14.220 They'll ruin your life or they'll drag you down or they're going to make things hard.

00:19:16.940 And then women are like, okay, I'm ready to have a baby.

00:19:19.640 And they're like, great, you're too old.

00:19:21.560 And they start telling you things that like get in your head.

00:19:24.400 And what I'm starting to find talking to different doctors and also having friends from around

00:19:29.800 the world is that there's a lot of places where it's like, that's not the case where

00:19:33.200 women will just like keep having babies until they're not able to anymore.

00:19:38.140 You know, it's like, we ovulate for a lot longer than most women are like typically having

00:19:42.820 children, at least here in the U S.

00:19:44.240 So there's very much, I have two, two thoughts of that.

00:19:46.920 Like I said, part of me is like, oh man, I have a few friends that are in their young twenties

00:19:50.740 right now that want like lots of kids.

00:19:53.040 And it's like, I could easily get in that headspace of being a little jealous or why

00:19:58.020 didn't I do that?

00:19:59.520 But then I pause and I think about what we said that we don't really have, we don't have

00:20:04.560 control.

00:20:05.000 Control is an illusion.

00:20:05.700 And even though those were our choices, life is also more complex.

00:20:10.200 And I just kind of have this feeling of like, I'm where I'm at.

00:20:13.720 I'm grateful for my husband.

00:20:15.400 I'm also not out of my fertility yet.

00:20:18.160 And I think there's a lot you can do health-wise, obviously to improve your egg quality.

00:20:22.100 That went 12 directions.

00:20:23.420 You were going to chime in about the geriatric thing.

00:20:25.520 No, I actually, I was just going to say, I a hundred percent agree with you on that.

00:20:28.960 And I think that what I, what I, all I mean, and when I say like, we shouldn't put off,

00:20:35.000 I don't think we should put off any of the things that are important to us until something

00:20:40.520 else is resolved.

00:20:41.500 Right.

00:20:41.980 So like, Oh, my, my, my career is now at the point I'm comfortable at.

00:20:46.200 So now I'll start dating.

00:20:47.360 Well, how do you know that you're going to meet the person that you want to marry when

00:20:50.420 at that point, why can't we just be open-minded to meeting the right person at maybe a time

00:20:55.180 that isn't ideal or having children at a time that you're like, Oh, well, I don't have all

00:21:00.600 of my funds entirely in place.

00:21:02.680 You know, just being a little bit more flexible with that stuff instead of putting in time,

00:21:08.560 putting, putting in your life, arbitrary timelines that you then have to follow.

00:21:13.520 And that don't necessarily help because we're not in control of who we meet, when we meet

00:21:19.120 them, how our fertility is going to look when we have kids.

00:21:22.220 So yeah, now I'm sitting here like caring for my health and just hoping that the Lord

00:21:28.100 has more babies for us.

00:21:29.140 And now part of it is like, people can be infertile in their twenties too.

00:21:32.380 So there is kind of this head trip of like, Hey, don't get too caught in your head.

00:21:35.780 But there is also, like you said, the reality element of like, well, but I am 35 and it's

00:21:41.180 like, in, in, depending on what the Lord has for me, I could have quite a few years of fertility

00:21:45.840 ahead of me and we could grow our family quite a bit, but also like we just said, there's

00:21:50.740 science.

00:21:51.620 That's the way we want to put it in a reality and who knows.

00:21:54.660 So it's, it's worth keeping in your purview.

00:21:57.060 Um, just as you're walking in life, like not pushing these things off because you really

00:22:01.800 don't know.

00:22:03.320 So that's kind of my perspective.

00:22:04.860 I think it's, it's sad that the world has gone that direction.

00:22:08.540 Um, and I'm just really grateful to have met my husband and got to spend and have gotten

00:22:14.180 to spend all these years with him.

00:22:15.520 I'm grateful.

00:22:16.540 Well, I mean, that's an incredible thing.

00:22:18.400 So I want to do a hard pivot, hard pivot to a totally different topic, which is being

00:22:26.760 canceled.

00:22:27.400 So you were canceled in what year was it?

00:22:32.040 Was it 2020?

00:22:33.380 Yeah.

00:22:33.640 Yeah.

00:22:33.800 2021.

00:22:34.900 2021.

00:22:36.260 Um, and the internet came after you, after you spoke out about having, I'm just for the

00:22:42.860 followers who don't know, I mean, you can totally clarify it, but you put down your dog after

00:22:48.380 he attacked your son, um, after the dog attacked your son and you were heartbroken about it.

00:22:52.780 I watched that video and you were really upset that you had to do it, but it was the only

00:22:56.280 option and the internet totally went wild about it.

00:23:01.600 So I know how awful it was for you.

00:23:03.960 We talked about it at the time.

00:23:05.240 So I want to know, how did you handle that level of like vitriol being thrown in your

00:23:12.480 direction?

00:23:13.400 How did you come back from that?

00:23:15.100 How did you recover?

00:23:16.520 Because I mean, you have beautifully, and I saw you literally through the process.

00:23:20.920 I saw you go from, you know, the, everything has fallen apart to where you are now, which

00:23:26.660 is really great.

00:23:27.820 Well, thank you.

00:23:29.200 Um, you know, a lot of people played parts in that recovery and you were one of the people

00:23:32.720 that played a part in that recovery.

00:23:34.040 And I mean, you know, yeah, I mean, but it's, but it's true.

00:23:37.120 You were one of the characters.

00:23:38.460 I remember like talking to you after everything happened and you really calmed me down, um,

00:23:42.720 in terms of like what these people are actually going to do.

00:23:46.100 You really calmed me down when we talked through the reality of that.

00:23:48.980 Um, but yeah, backing up, like you said, um, our dog that our son in the face and the whole

00:23:55.140 thing was really horrifying from like every single aspect.

00:23:58.960 I mean, we loved Bowser so much.

00:24:02.340 Um, he was our dog for 10 and a half years.

00:24:05.020 Dan, Dan, I say, Dan, it was really us, both of us, but it was Dan like picked him out when

00:24:09.560 he was a baby, baby puppy.

00:24:11.300 We raised Bowser from being a baby.

00:24:13.720 Um, you know, they're trying to even think which way to go on this, to not give like a

00:24:18.620 two hour monologue about the whole thing, because it was totally life changing.

00:24:22.580 Um, you know, we had been on the internet.

00:24:25.100 Well, now we've been on the internet for 13 years at that time.

00:24:27.120 It was about 11 years, 10 and a half years.

00:24:29.040 So pretty much about the time that Bowser was alive, which is why we told the internet,

00:24:33.720 um, because we had documented Bowser's life pretty much from the beginning, you know,

00:24:38.620 in our home.

00:24:39.260 Um, and when it all unfolded, I really felt like I had to be honest and, and to be honest,

00:24:45.440 it didn't occur to me that people were even going to be mad at us.

00:24:48.640 And I think the reason it didn't occur to me was because, um, we had gone through all

00:24:53.180 of the steps with the professionals and talked through everything that's never, when it originally

00:24:58.420 went down, we had planned on rehoming him.

00:25:00.220 That's a whole other thing.

00:25:01.120 And then we were walked through the whole process and realized, okay, that's not an

00:25:05.680 option.

00:25:06.440 Um, and so that's honestly the biggest, biggest reason it never occurred to me that people

00:25:09.720 were going to be upset because once the professionals had walked us through it, it

00:25:13.500 was like, oh, this is our, this is our only choice.

00:25:16.920 The whole thing was so sad.

00:25:19.060 And then after it all went down and we got on the internet and said, okay, we got to tell

00:25:23.060 people what happened.

00:25:24.240 Um, it was like a double whammy.

00:25:25.800 I mean, talk about the definition of being kicked when you're down.

00:25:28.520 Like we were so depressed.

00:25:31.520 Um, I also realized from all of that, I mean, I learned so many lessons from that whole cancellation

00:25:37.680 Abby, the lessons are still flooding in by the way, like every once in a while, I'm like

00:25:41.100 smacked with a new lesson from the whole thing because it hasn't exactly stopped.

00:25:45.080 Like the, the issue is still kind of there online.

00:25:48.360 Um, but yeah, it was really, really sad.

00:25:51.420 And when it happened, I guess just to give context for everyone, it really was like a classic

00:25:56.240 cancellation in the sense that like we, it happened in may, we had sponsorships booked

00:26:00.840 out for the entire rest of the year, like through Christmas, every single one of them

00:26:05.080 pulled within 24 hours.

00:26:06.980 Um, we lost management within that same timeframe.

00:26:10.100 We had to let all of our employees go.

00:26:12.800 Uh, we had four people working with us.

00:26:15.060 Plus my husband who, who was technically an employee of the company.

00:26:18.500 Um, cause that was how we were running things after that long on the internet, we had actually

00:26:21.580 set it up into a company.

00:26:23.180 Um, and it was very, it was fast and furious.

00:26:25.480 Like people's rage came fast and hard.

00:26:28.400 And I had never, like, I had experienced hate online through like gossip forums, but

00:26:33.000 I had never experienced, you know, like calls from the mainstream media, like, hi, this is

00:26:36.560 inside edition.

00:26:37.160 We'd like to talk to you.

00:26:38.060 I'm like, what?

00:26:39.240 And so I like completely shut down for about three months.

00:26:42.360 Um, you know, we were very frightened with like death threats.

00:26:45.040 I was very new to that too.

00:26:46.380 And that's something you and I specifically talked about.

00:26:48.500 So it was new to me.

00:26:50.160 I was scared.

00:26:51.320 I was like, these people are texting me my address.

00:26:53.380 Like, are they going to show up at my house?

00:26:55.300 You know, you echoed what my husband said.

00:26:57.120 You were just like, no, one's coming, you know, that's, that's, which is what my husband

00:27:00.860 said the whole time, but it was genuinely frightening for me.

00:27:05.000 Um, so yeah, we moved out of Idaho.

00:27:06.880 We had already, or out of Nashville to Idaho.

00:27:09.400 We had already planned on moving to kind of reunite with my parents because they had left

00:27:13.440 LA, uh, like six to seven months earlier, but we were not planning on leaving that

00:27:18.220 soon.

00:27:18.640 We were planning on leaving like in a few months, but when we started getting death threats,

00:27:22.280 um, I kind of had a little bit of like a psycho meltdown and my mom was like, you got to get

00:27:27.480 out of here now.

00:27:27.980 So we like our realtor handled the sale of everything.

00:27:30.460 And we just left Nashville, moved into my parents' basement in Idaho and lived there till

00:27:36.700 we found a house.

00:27:37.700 Yeah.

00:27:37.920 So the, I, the irony of that is we actually ended up, I mean, God is so good.

00:27:42.320 It was astounding to watch this happen.

00:27:45.020 The next door neighbor to my parents, um, actually sold us their house.

00:27:48.640 Like after being here for five months and we're house hunting, we're like, what are we

00:27:52.000 going to do?

00:27:52.680 Literally, she walked up to my parents' door and just knocked on the door and said, I

00:27:55.740 want to sell you my house so you can raise your grandson or your son next to your parents.

00:27:59.860 I know I, we literally were like, what?

00:28:02.460 And that's, like I said, a whole other long story in and of itself, but that's the long story

00:28:06.640 short.

00:28:07.120 So pretty much, I guess to answer your question in terms of like how we rebuilt, it was legitimately

00:28:13.600 just one, one week at a time.

00:28:16.480 I mean, in the beginning, the first four months, I cried like every single day, Abby, like most

00:28:22.140 of the day I've never experienced anything like that in my life where I was just so sad.

00:28:26.700 I just couldn't get out of it.

00:28:28.660 I couldn't believe it.

00:28:29.540 I was like, I had a decade on here, like over that.

00:28:32.880 And I've, I've loved it so much and it just flipped so fast.

00:28:38.060 And as you know, a chunk of that was because, you know, I'm an, I'm an LA YouTuber originally.

00:28:43.220 So I kind of cut my teeth on YouTube with all of the other YouTubers.

00:28:47.640 So, um, there's, you know, there's still a lot of YouTubers that I am friends with or,

00:28:52.120 you know, that agree with me or that I'm fine with, but there were a lot of YouTubers that

00:28:56.100 like jumped ship when that happened.

00:28:57.580 Like, I don't know her.

00:28:58.380 And then even worse than that, there were a lot of YouTubers that made videos about us.

00:29:02.140 And that was a big part of what made it so hard was people that made videos that I was

00:29:05.740 like, yo, I wouldn't have called us friends in the deep sense of the word, but I would

00:29:10.220 have called us friends in the sense of like, I didn't, I didn't have any problems with you.

00:29:14.400 Um, but similar to COVID it's interesting, the timing of everything, um, similar to all

00:29:20.500 the COVID stuff, the stuff that happened with our dog really helped to clarify for me a lot

00:29:26.160 of things in terms of like, who's actually on my team.

00:29:28.760 Who's actually a friend.

00:29:30.120 Um, because there were some people that it was like shocking, Abby.

00:29:33.280 I was like, you literally believe them over us.

00:29:36.000 Like, okay.

00:29:37.940 Um, and then, but then on the flip side, I was just telling some friends last night,

00:29:41.560 it's like the people that disagreed with us were the loudest by far.

00:29:46.040 So, so many people don't even know that like I received more support messages than like

00:29:52.460 I have even been able to go through.

00:29:54.320 So like, here I am almost two years later, Abby, I am still, I just got chills because

00:29:58.640 it's regular.

00:29:59.240 I'm still stumbling upon messages that I never saw when everything happened of people being

00:30:04.580 like, I'm, I'm horrified.

00:30:06.600 I'm so sorry.

00:30:07.540 And then they'll like write a long message, either explaining something that had happened

00:30:11.240 in their life or to them with like pictures of scars.

00:30:14.720 Like it was just, it was wild because it was so embarrassing in a lot of ways and shameful

00:30:22.200 feeling in some ways, because some people were just so mad at us and I felt ashamed, but then

00:30:28.140 simultaneously not because when we repeated the whole thing over and over in our heads,

00:30:32.920 it never came out with a different conclusion.

00:30:34.740 It was the same way every time as to what we would have done, but it just, it was a good

00:30:39.780 lesson, a good lesson.

00:30:40.860 So yeah, backing up one week at a time, one month at a time.

00:30:44.840 And I never wanted to really quit because it felt like, I mean, maybe this is shallow,

00:30:51.140 but it would have felt like they were winning.

00:30:52.920 Like that was a big part of it.

00:30:54.040 No, that's not shallow.

00:30:55.040 That makes sense to me.

00:30:56.000 I mean, one of the things that I feel is so clear is that your cancellation was, is such

00:31:05.700 a reflection of the time we live in where people will talk about dogs and animals with like

00:31:12.540 the utmost love and protection and can't even do that for unborn babies.

00:31:18.800 Now I'm not saying that that has to be like the big, you know, lesson here, but it did stand

00:31:25.400 out to me just how much people are willing, like they will cancel another human being for

00:31:32.740 something that they had to do.

00:31:35.000 Not even that you guys wanted to do, but that you had to do.

00:31:37.600 And the position you were in when it was in protection of a little child.

00:31:42.300 And in your description, I remember watching your video and it stood out to me.

00:31:45.660 I still remember it.

00:31:46.360 You talking about how your dog would like hurt himself trying to get through your gate.

00:31:51.580 And trying to like tear through the ground.

00:31:55.360 And clearly he had some issues that were dangerous for human beings, but apparently that is not

00:32:01.460 what is relevant to the culture we live in where animals are held up on a higher pedestal

00:32:07.300 than human life.

00:32:08.280 That's exactly it.

00:32:09.400 And that was, that was a very straight, I mean, on the flip side, that's why people were very

00:32:13.180 mad at me because they decided to lump in animals and humans and they went, oh, she's pro-life,

00:32:17.640 but she'll kill her dog.

00:32:18.820 And the whole thing, it's just completely different worldviews.

00:32:21.580 You're pretty much right.

00:32:23.160 I'd say across the board, almost a hundred percent of the time, anyone that was angry

00:32:26.780 at me, that came at me online, you do like a little bit of Sherlock homings.

00:32:31.180 That's not the way to put it, but on their page.

00:32:32.820 And you're like, oh, you are pro-abortion.

00:32:35.980 Like it was almost entirely that way, the way that things lined up.

00:32:40.380 And then also another thing that it really showed me about culture was that we as people,

00:32:45.780 for some reason, think that what we see on the screen is the whole picture.

00:32:50.060 And depending on our leaning, maybe in our personality, people will tend to assume and

00:32:56.640 see the worst, like whatever's explained.

00:32:58.860 Oh, that's not the truth.

00:32:59.980 They're lying.

00:33:00.620 And I'm going to assume the worst case scenario about this.

00:33:03.480 So that was really a trip too, to be like, wow.

00:33:05.380 And then also to reflect in myself, like, am I doing that to people ever?

00:33:09.340 Am I seeing something and being like, oh yeah, I know the whole story and they're crap people

00:33:13.420 or whatever.

00:33:14.460 Right.

00:33:14.780 Right.

00:33:14.960 Man, so many things were assumed about us that were so off base that it just really altered

00:33:20.580 even, I mean, like I just said, my perspective of how I even see the world or news or fake

00:33:25.720 news.

00:33:26.100 Like, geez, once you're lied about in mainstream media, you really see news differently.

00:33:30.840 You're like, wait, so are they not doing their due diligence when they're reporting things?

00:33:35.620 Like, like I'm kidding, but I'm totally not kidding.

00:33:38.400 It was genuinely like a world, like mind trip to be like, what is even going on here?

00:33:44.120 So, um, I'm mostly just grateful though.

00:33:47.060 A, I'm grateful to God that my son was okay.

00:33:49.480 I can think back to that same day.

00:33:51.180 And I remember the sound very distinctly in my head of, of Bowser's growl when it happened.

00:33:56.420 And I thought for sure he was going to be way messed up.

00:33:59.740 And the fact that all he had was like one cut was just really, really good.

00:34:04.840 I'm very grateful for that.

00:34:06.280 And I'm also grateful.

00:34:07.380 Like I said, how God has grown me through this because I have realized like, oh, pretty

00:34:12.320 much like in some ways.

00:34:14.120 Yeah.

00:34:14.340 Not everybody knows what it's like to get canceled, but in other ways, I'm starting to

00:34:17.700 realize that like everyone and their mother gets canceled.

00:34:19.880 And I'm also starting to realize I've kind of changed my language.

00:34:23.260 And now I'm starting to say, oh, the first time I was canceled.

00:34:25.940 Cause like, I don't want to go through that again, but I'm just assuming if I'm going to

00:34:29.200 stay in the space, there's probably going to be something that will blow up again at

00:34:33.180 some point.

00:34:34.120 And it was painful, but I still feel like this is where God has me right now.

00:34:38.240 And so I'm just praying for wisdom and continuing to heal and trying to remain soft and open.

00:34:46.820 Um, even after all of this, I mean, there's like a verse that says you want to remain

00:34:51.240 innocent as a dove and like sly as a snake.

00:34:53.900 That is a horrible summation, but it's like, you want both.

00:34:56.520 And that's hard.

00:34:57.520 That's hard to hold, but that's what I want.

00:35:00.040 I want to be wise and shrewd, but I don't want to be cynical and shut down, you know?

00:35:05.180 Yeah.

00:35:05.720 Well, and it's interesting because we recently read the book, The Happiness Hypothesis by

00:35:09.780 Jonathan Haidt for my book club.

00:35:11.700 And in that book, he talks about how it's actually very important for people's happiness

00:35:18.640 to go through really trying times.

00:35:22.920 And when we think of like, you know, our children, we would want to take away anything that would

00:35:27.840 ever hurt them.

00:35:28.860 But at the same time, when you actually ask people who have been through certain things

00:35:34.780 that we would consider, you know, horrifying or really upsetting or anything like that,

00:35:39.660 they usually say something to the effect of, if that hadn't happened to me, I wouldn't

00:35:44.840 have grown or I wouldn't have appreciated my life the way that it is, or I wouldn't have

00:35:49.500 had this new perspective.

00:35:51.120 And so it's hard to say we are grateful for the things that have happened to us, even the

00:35:57.020 things that aren't good, but they're just a part of life.

00:36:01.000 And in many ways, allow us to find an appreciation for life that maybe we wouldn't have had before.

00:36:06.680 Dude, totally.

00:36:07.920 There's this saying, and I don't, I hope I don't trigger people in the wrong way, because

00:36:11.300 I mean, lots of different things by this.

00:36:14.080 But, you know, take what you want from it.

00:36:16.260 I took what I wanted from it.

00:36:17.620 The saying is God only gives good gifts.

00:36:20.540 And the perspective obviously is that like, there's something good through all of it.

00:36:24.280 And like I said, I don't mean that across the way, you know, whatever, take what you

00:36:27.300 want from it.

00:36:27.800 But for me, it was, you know, having that lens shift of like, maybe this was a gift.

00:36:32.540 Like maybe there's something to this that I needed and, you know, lessons I needed to

00:36:38.080 learn, life circumstances that needed to change, all of the above.

00:36:42.060 And so I'm really, really grateful for the fact that God has renewed my mind or made it

00:36:47.240 over in that sense and continued to help me like shift my perspective and grow from it.

00:36:53.440 So I don't know if that answered everything.

00:36:55.440 Like I said, I could go on for like 12 hours because that was so life-changing.

00:36:59.220 Yeah.

00:36:59.620 Well, I liked that answer.

00:37:01.980 Thanks, Abby.

00:37:04.600 And last question for this portion of today's episode.

00:37:08.020 I always ask my guests about femininity because I talk a lot about embracing femininity here

00:37:16.360 on my channel, on my podcast.

00:37:18.360 So what does embracing femininity look like for you?

00:37:22.920 Ooh, that's good.

00:37:24.560 You know, oh, I hope my answer is not lame.

00:37:27.900 Just like indulging those girlier things that I love and not shutting them down or thinking

00:37:35.880 that they're stupid, you know?

00:37:37.860 Even things like getting dressed in the morning.

00:37:40.400 Like if, I don't know, sometimes I think it can be easy to get in this pattern depending

00:37:45.040 on your dynamics and your relationship of like, you know, oh, my husband got ready way faster

00:37:50.620 than me, like throw myself together.

00:37:52.260 It's like, hey, there's no shame in like me primping a little bit more, like not trying

00:37:56.440 to be vain, but you know what I mean?

00:37:57.780 That's kind of, that's feminine.

00:37:59.200 That's girly.

00:38:00.060 Even though I know girly and femininity is a little different, but still, that's part

00:38:04.640 of it.

00:38:05.040 Um, and then this, this is something else I've been thinking about a lot the last few

00:38:09.540 years is really cultivating, um, softness because I feel like I spent so long really

00:38:17.340 whatever.

00:38:19.100 And in some ways I still am, I was going to say being a boss, babe, I know we're all

00:38:22.600 slamming, like we're all slamming boss, babe life now.

00:38:25.440 And I'm kind of right there being like, ah, down with the boss, babe.

00:38:27.860 But at the same time, I'm kind of, I mean, I kind of am into it still like whatever, but

00:38:31.740 that mentality can kind of maybe sometimes get you into this, I don't know, harsher, like

00:38:37.560 this is happening at this time and this is happening at this time and this is happening

00:38:40.320 at this time.

00:38:41.180 And so I've really tried over the last few years, like you mentioned slow living to kind of cultivate

00:38:46.840 this vibe of like, Hey, like relax, we have time and like staying softer to, um, especially

00:38:53.980 well, not especially with both my son and my husband and just really trying to, I know

00:38:59.100 this is the fourth time I've used the word cultivate third or fourth time, but I love

00:39:02.580 that word softness.

00:39:03.920 Thanks.

00:39:04.720 That, the, that part of me that is naturally there, but sometimes gets pushed to the side

00:39:10.100 in order to like take care of other things.

00:39:11.860 I've just tried to let it come out more with my son and my husband.

00:39:15.760 Um, but yeah, I don't know.

00:39:18.080 Those are kind of some of the things that femininity means to me.

00:39:20.840 No, totally.

00:39:21.800 I agree.

00:39:22.520 And I think that, you know, I do think that there's kind of this movement lately to downplay

00:39:27.980 the appearance part of femininity because it's like, Oh, well, to be honest, I think it's

00:39:34.100 because trans women are putting on like a face of makeup.

00:39:38.340 And so a lot of women are pushing back on the fact that that has anything to do with femininity,

00:39:42.440 but I actually disagree.

00:39:44.020 I think that femininity is primping is one of my favorite parts of being feminine and

00:39:49.000 being a woman.

00:39:49.900 Like I love doing my makeup.

00:39:51.460 I love doing my hair.

00:39:52.520 I think that it is so nice to look in the mirror at the beginning of the day and be

00:39:56.820 like, okay, I'm ready to take on the day.

00:39:58.720 Literally.

00:39:59.060 My mom comes in the morning for an hour every day so that I can exercise for half an hour

00:40:04.740 and so I can get ready for half an hour.

00:40:06.520 That is our, our deal.

00:40:08.720 That's so sweet.

00:40:10.540 And it's like the only way for me to feel ready for the day.

00:40:13.360 If I don't do those things, I'm like, Oh my God, I don't know what my schedule is.

00:40:17.480 I don't know who I am.

00:40:18.980 I don't know where I live.

00:40:20.420 Like, I think that face that you just made might be one of my favorite faces I've ever

00:40:24.460 seen.

00:40:24.680 You have.

00:40:24.960 Oh my God.

00:40:27.920 It's true though.

00:40:28.960 It's relatable.

00:40:29.760 And yes, to what you've said exactly.

00:40:31.780 When I get ready, it's like, I do, it's not that I don't feel like myself when I'm not

00:40:35.900 ready, it's that I feel more feminine.

00:40:38.600 That really is what is like, Oh wow.

00:40:40.460 I feel pretty.

00:40:41.820 Like, and I think feeling pretty is part of feeling feminine, you know, presenting your

00:40:47.260 best self or at least a little bit up from what you woke up with, you know, maybe it's

00:40:51.680 not your best, but.

00:40:52.680 And I agree as well on the softness idea is something I also talk about a lot.

00:40:57.860 And that just, you know, that is something that we can bring to the world as women.

00:41:01.500 And we build, I think we live in a day and age because, you know, it is such a different

00:41:06.120 time where women are leaving the home earlier so that we can pursue careers because we don't

00:41:11.880 know when we're going to meet the right guy and we need to be able to support ourselves.

00:41:14.340 I don't think that's a bad thing.

00:41:15.360 It's just the world we live in.

00:41:16.380 But what that also means is that we build up barriers all the time to protect ourselves

00:41:22.020 from rejection from men, rejection from jobs, being in unsafe areas and trying to navigate

00:41:28.600 that.

00:41:29.240 And all of that can really wear away at that feminine softness that we can cultivate at

00:41:37.400 home and also in our workplaces and wherever it is so that we can bring that nurturing nature

00:41:43.740 to the world.

00:41:44.860 Yeah, that's a really good way to put it.

00:41:46.880 It almost becomes like an honor, or not an honor, what's the word?

00:41:50.820 Armor, that's the word, or like a protection mechanism just to like make your way through

00:41:54.480 this modern world.

00:41:56.100 But yes, cultivating that softness, I think it's so needed.

00:42:00.180 And it feels really right to just be like, to be able to be that soft, loving, doting figure

00:42:07.140 for my son.

00:42:07.900 It's like, I'm his mom.

00:42:08.960 I want to be that, you know?

00:42:11.800 So yeah.

00:42:12.500 I love it.

00:42:13.400 So this was great.

00:42:15.600 Now let's get into today's faith talk.

00:42:18.740 So this week's Torah portion, or the Parsha, is Vayakel Pekhudeh, which means, and they gathered,

00:42:25.560 and he gathered amounts of.

00:42:27.480 Right?

00:42:27.860 So it's kind of a funny, it's actually two different words from two different segments

00:42:31.360 and two different verses, but that's what the segment is called.

00:42:34.620 So here's the summary of the Torah portion from Chabad's website.

00:42:39.280 Moses assembles the people of Israel and reiterates to them the commandment to observe the Sabbath.

00:42:44.540 He then conveys God's instructions regarding the making of the tabernacle.

00:42:48.620 The people donate the required materials in abundance, bringing gold and silver and copper

00:42:53.120 and all of these incredible things.

00:42:54.960 But Moses has to tell them to stop giving.

00:42:57.460 At some point, they're just like, oh, so everything we own?

00:43:00.240 And Moses is like, relax a little bit.

00:43:03.180 No more.

00:43:04.020 It's cool.

00:43:06.300 A team of wise-hearted artisans make the tabernacle and its furnishings, including the basin and

00:43:12.700 its pedestal.

00:43:13.620 Keep that in mind, because that's what we're going to talk about today.

00:43:15.560 Made out of copper mirrors.

00:43:17.400 And the rest of the Parsha, the rest of the Torah portion, talks a little bit about the

00:43:22.520 accounting of what was donated and all of the different things that were built and initiating

00:43:29.420 Aaron and his sons into the priesthood.

00:43:31.760 So let's get back to the basin, okay?

00:43:34.180 So the basin outside of the tabernacle, where people washed before entering, is described

00:43:39.400 in this verse.

00:43:40.300 And he made the washstand of copper and its base of copper from the mirrors of the women

00:43:46.400 who had set up the legions, who congregated at the entrance of the tent of meeting.

00:43:52.480 So here's the question.

00:43:55.320 Why would God use mirrors, a tool of vanity, to create the basin that the Israelites used

00:44:01.900 before entering the holiest of places?

00:44:04.940 Wouldn't you think that that's just so base?

00:44:07.660 Like something that shouldn't be used as something holy before going somewhere so elevated?

00:44:14.120 It just seems almost crazy that they would use these mirrors.

00:44:17.980 And Rashi, the foremost commentator of the Torah, answers this question in the most beautiful

00:44:24.600 way.

00:44:24.960 I'm obsessed with this explanation.

00:44:26.420 I'm so excited I'm getting to talk about it on today's episode.

00:44:29.340 So he tells us that Moses asked this very same question.

00:44:33.560 The women wanted to contribute to the donations for the tabernacle.

00:44:37.480 But what they had were their mirrors.

00:44:39.800 So they brought them.

00:44:40.860 And Moses initially rejected them, saying, this is nothing but tools of temptation.

00:44:45.580 We don't want this for the tabernacle.

00:44:47.840 But God corrected him.

00:44:50.040 God said, these mirrors are more precious to me than anything else that's been donated.

00:44:56.020 Isn't that crazy?

00:44:56.740 So why is that?

00:44:58.220 Yeah.

00:44:58.360 Because the women used these mirrors to seduce their husbands when they were in Egypt.

00:45:05.100 When the men were too tired, the women would make themselves up and bring their husbands

00:45:10.080 to them so that they could conceive more children, even in the darkest of places and times.

00:45:15.740 Wow.

00:45:16.220 So when it says in the verse, the mirror of the women who had set up the legions, what

00:45:21.020 does that mean?

00:45:21.640 It means the mothers.

00:45:23.200 It means women who seduced their husbands and bore their children so that that would allow

00:45:28.760 the Jewish nation and the Israelites to continue.

00:45:31.540 And the fact that they made themselves beautiful for their husbands was a beautiful thing in God's

00:45:36.840 eyes.

00:45:37.100 God didn't think of that as gross or not appropriate.

00:45:41.060 He thought of that as the most important thing because cohabitation between husband and wife

00:45:46.060 and having more children and raising them was so important to him.

00:45:50.500 So how do you think, Nikki, that this applies to us today?

00:45:54.840 The idea that, you know, this is actually a beautiful thing that women can do.

00:46:00.140 And it kind of relates back to what we were just talking about.

00:46:02.800 Yeah.

00:46:03.100 I mean, I don't know that I'm going to have a deep enough response to that.

00:46:06.220 I mean, hearing you read through all that, I'm just like, yes, this is so good.

00:46:08.840 But I'll give my thoughts back to it.

00:46:11.360 But I'm all like, no, this might not be as deep.

00:46:13.620 I feel like God makes it evident over and over in the Bible that he loves beauty and

00:46:21.940 that he created it.

00:46:23.060 And I feel like we're living in a time, and I don't know, because I know sin nature and

00:46:28.480 human nature, like it just, it goes back.

00:46:30.780 But this is what I know in this time period.

00:46:33.220 And it feels like we're living in a time that is distorting beauty, obviously, and tearing

00:46:39.840 down beauty in a lot of ways.

00:46:41.320 Like, I feel like we're seeing that not only in people's physical appearances, in the destruction

00:46:46.220 of, you know, relationships and marriage, in architecture.

00:46:48.960 Like, I feel like we're just seeing it kind of across the board.

00:46:51.340 Um, and I just feel like beauty is really important.

00:46:57.220 And sometimes I think that, that women want to shut down their beauty, whether it's a trauma

00:47:03.140 response, or they don't actually think they're pretty enough to even like put the effort in,

00:47:08.880 or they're dealing with some kind of like just emotional heaviness in general.

00:47:12.360 But I think that, you know, that shows again, that, that God loves beauty, and that he loves

00:47:19.600 when a wife is willing to present and share and unveil her beauty for her husband.

00:47:24.700 And I think it's not only for the husband, I think it's also for the woman.

00:47:29.460 I think women, I, I do, I love to be doted on, I love to be told, but like, every time my

00:47:35.780 husband will just throw out a random out of nowhere, sporadic, organic, you look so beautiful.

00:47:42.360 I literally will like flip around and I'm like, really?

00:47:45.280 Thank you.

00:47:46.200 Like, it feels so good.

00:47:48.160 And so, I don't know, I just see that as yet again, another like, check, like affirmation

00:47:53.540 from the Lord that like, present yourself to your husband, this is a good thing.

00:47:57.500 Um, and delighting in that lovemaking and that connection that only happens between you and

00:48:02.700 your husband is good.

00:48:04.740 And the beauty is it adds to it.

00:48:07.420 So I don't know, I'm not, I'm not chiming in with anything deep, but that's those.

00:48:11.040 No, I think that is deep.

00:48:12.620 And I think that there's so much about, you know, I think there's, there's so many layers

00:48:17.260 to this that I'm like trying to catch all the different ones, but the idea that, you

00:48:22.440 know, women kind of on what you were saying, women love to be doted on.

00:48:27.100 I've heard the idea that women want, need to be adored and men need to be respected.

00:48:34.180 And that's not to say that that doesn't flip, you know, you need both, right?

00:48:39.400 Yeah.

00:48:39.580 But there is something really wonderful as a wife to being cherished and knowing that

00:48:46.660 your husband cherishes you.

00:48:48.300 And so the idea that women are doing themselves up to seduce their husbands, I love the idea

00:48:55.820 from what you're saying that it's not just for their husbands, but I mean, there's something

00:49:01.640 unique and I don't know if this is true for you, but there's something unique for me when,

00:49:06.160 and actually, you know what, I'm going to say this is probably pretty common because

00:49:09.640 you see it in films, right?

00:49:11.320 And in movies, the idea that when a woman puts in just a little bit of effort to look

00:49:16.040 beautiful, when she, you know, walks into the room because they're going to the prom

00:49:19.940 or she walks into the room because they're going to the ball and the guy kind of does

00:49:23.720 double take because wow, it's, there's something unique about that response because you know

00:49:29.700 that you put in just a little bit more effort for yourself that then gets, elicits a response

00:49:35.780 from your spouse or from the guy that you're interested in.

00:49:39.100 And that, again, God is showing us that that's not a bad thing, that there is a goodness to

00:49:46.200 physicality when it's used in its right place.

00:49:49.220 Yes.

00:49:50.140 I feel like too.

00:49:51.480 So there's this pastor that I follow up here in Idaho and he got in a lot of trouble online

00:49:55.600 for basically making a post that was encouraging women to take care of themselves kind of for

00:50:02.620 their husband, but just in general.

00:50:04.200 And he's, he worded the statement in a way, like I said, that really made people mad, something

00:50:08.000 along the lines of like, show people how well your husband loves you by like taking care

00:50:13.100 of yourself.

00:50:13.900 And, you know, I feel like I was able to see through the angry parts that people had.

00:50:18.400 And I was like, I totally get this.

00:50:19.880 We don't have to be supermodels.

00:50:21.700 It's not about us looking perfect.

00:50:23.760 It really is like, oh, do I give this like, I'll, I'll, I'll make it PG.

00:50:28.680 My husband loves me whether I'm done up or not.

00:50:31.400 Like he loves me and he is enthralled with me, but there is something about just a little

00:50:38.320 bit of effort.

00:50:38.940 Like it's noticed it's, it's, it adds to it.

00:50:42.320 And so I think sometimes I feel like women will get confused with the sentiment of like,

00:50:46.640 what?

00:50:47.300 So like, like I'm a mom, I'm tired.

00:50:49.080 I'm supposed to be a supermodel.

00:50:50.520 It's like, no, no, no, you're not supposed to be a supermodel, but you know, we could brush

00:50:55.000 our hair every once in a while.

00:50:56.060 Like, and I'm not trying to lower the bar so much either, you know, to where it's like,

00:50:59.980 come on, we try a little hard on that.

00:51:01.120 But there is this element of like, just keep going, just a little more effort.

00:51:05.200 Like, just keep going.

00:51:07.860 Well, and the truth is that like, we as women take, I think it's, it's, it's unrealistic

00:51:14.560 that on either side, we would want our spouse to be, to just give up.

00:51:19.220 Right.

00:51:19.600 Like as a woman, I, my husband knows he has, he has a beard.

00:51:25.540 And when he lets his beard go about three weeks before he gets a trim, he knows I'm like,

00:51:31.440 no, I don't like it.

00:51:32.880 This isn't my thing.

00:51:33.920 Not my favorite.

00:51:35.200 He knows that that's the case.

00:51:36.520 And sometimes, you know, he'll, he'll let it grow a little longer because it's just

00:51:40.080 hard to make time to go get a beard trim.

00:51:41.700 But he knows as soon as he gets it, I'm like, I love it.

00:51:44.800 You look great.

00:51:45.300 Yeah, exactly.

00:51:46.520 Exactly.

00:51:47.000 It goes both ways.

00:51:48.080 Exactly.

00:51:48.680 And it's, I think that it is, you know, I have a lot of thoughts on this topic, but I

00:51:53.520 think it really is important for both, for both sides to keep themselves attractive.

00:51:59.940 And again, that doesn't mean, like you said, looking like a supermodel, but it means putting

00:52:03.920 in effort, taking care of your body, putting in just a little bit more time to look attractive

00:52:08.720 to your spouse.

00:52:09.200 Because the whole point of getting married is that you and your spouse are only for one

00:52:13.720 another.

00:52:14.020 And if that's the case, like it's, it's a kindness to make the person you've dedicated

00:52:19.380 your life to, uh, feel excited to look at you.

00:52:24.180 Like that's a really beautiful thing.

00:52:25.980 It's a gift that you're sharing with your spouse, both people.

00:52:29.180 Yes.

00:52:29.320 And like, you want them to look at you like, okay, I'm putting on this effort and I, I

00:52:34.040 want it.

00:52:34.600 It's, I'm not just willing to get dressed up for a night with the girls or just willing

00:52:38.360 to get dressed up to go to work.

00:52:39.640 It's like, I'm willing to just get dressed up to live and like dressed up.

00:52:43.420 Like I said, the spectrum, right?

00:52:44.800 I walked into the bathroom the other day and I was like, Oh, looking rough and tired.

00:52:49.100 I was feeling rough and tired, but I spent 30 seconds to reclip my hair.

00:52:54.640 And I put on a little bit of blush.

00:52:56.020 Cause I felt like I looked just a little, be mean to myself, a little color.

00:53:01.080 And it must've been 20 to 30 seconds.

00:53:03.760 And I walked out feeling different.

00:53:06.000 I felt like, okay, I look, I look more, I don't want to say presentable, but you get

00:53:11.360 my gist.

00:53:11.920 It was like, I just felt better about myself.

00:53:14.460 Yeah.

00:53:14.680 And I always say that it's actually, I actually wrote a whole article about this way back in

00:53:19.120 the day.

00:53:19.340 The idea that it's actually not the best to have, if you are in a bad mood to have your

00:53:26.720 outer self reflect that.

00:53:28.400 So like a couple of days ago, I was feeling really tired, really down.

00:53:32.900 I hadn't had a good night's sleep.

00:53:34.360 I looked in the mirror.

00:53:35.300 I had like not washed my eye makeup well.

00:53:38.340 So I had like the raccoon eyes.

00:53:40.480 I got my hair up in like a, in like a messy bun.

00:53:43.260 I was wearing disgusting clothes.

00:53:44.880 And I was like, this is not helping my self-esteem right now.

00:53:48.360 Yeah.

00:53:50.980 Adding to the negative feelings that I have.

00:53:54.300 Right.

00:53:54.600 Right.

00:53:55.060 And there's something very like special about if I had just done what you did, which was

00:53:59.240 to maybe wash off my face, throw my hair up in a ponytail and maybe just throw on a

00:54:03.980 little bit of blush, I could have been like, you know what?

00:54:05.900 My, the, the world isn't as bad as it seems and I'm not as bad as I look right now.

00:54:11.820 Yes.

00:54:12.300 And like, I didn't feel amazing afterwards.

00:54:15.020 It wasn't like, wow, look at me.

00:54:16.500 I'm ready to walk the runway.

00:54:17.720 But it really was like, it took the edge off of just those feelings that I had when I looked

00:54:23.400 in the mirror.

00:54:23.780 I was like, oh gosh.

00:54:24.960 And it just like, you know, calmed it all down a little bit.

00:54:28.540 Yeah, absolutely.

00:54:30.260 So now let's get into our premium subscriber questions.

00:54:34.280 If you would like to submit questions for podcast episodes, just like this, make sure

00:54:38.640 to head over to my Substack newsletter where you'll get access to a ton of exclusive content,

00:54:42.780 including my book club and a bunch of other really great things.

00:54:45.940 So let's get into the first question, which is what's the hardest aspect of having a YouTube

00:54:52.480 channel?

00:54:54.120 Ooh, you know, that's changed over the years.

00:54:58.420 It's been a different answer at different times, you know?

00:55:00.480 So like a few years ago, I would have probably said keeping up my YouTube channel while trying

00:55:05.380 to build this whole other production company I was working on.

00:55:08.520 So it was a different beast back then.

00:55:09.740 It was like, how do I keep all that content up?

00:55:12.280 Now I would say it's two different things.

00:55:15.020 One, yes, continuing to produce content.

00:55:18.280 Like I said, not to be too much of a Debbie Downer, but my whole workflow.

00:55:22.480 Totally changed after going through the cancellation.

00:55:25.260 So that's actually been part of the juggle as well now.

00:55:27.900 Like I had a full-time editor before.

00:55:30.400 And so now, I mean, I started YouTube, obviously editing on my own and editing is something on

00:55:35.460 a side note that I'm super passionate about, but it's time consuming.

00:55:39.800 And so figuring out kind of going back to this position of like juggling most of my projects

00:55:45.300 on my own, like getting them up and getting them out while figuring out how to do the whole

00:55:52.060 motherhood thing.

00:55:52.720 Like even though my son is three and maybe I should have it together more than I do,

00:55:57.020 I feel like I'm still figuring it out.

00:55:59.340 A, because he's kid number one.

00:56:01.180 B, I can't even believe it's been three years.

00:56:03.960 Like I had him in January, 2020.

00:56:06.280 So right at the beginning of the pandemic and everything kind of went crazy for us.

00:56:11.060 Like our church shut down, like everything was just wild.

00:56:13.760 So I feel like in some ways I'm still kind of getting my footing with the whole parenting

00:56:18.900 thing.

00:56:20.000 And being a mom is like up there ahead of my YouTuber, you know, role or whatever, but

00:56:27.260 being a YouTuber or content creator, whatever you want to call me is super important to me

00:56:31.960 as well.

00:56:32.780 So that's probably been one of the hardest things is figuring out how to juggle it.

00:56:38.100 And then the other thing, which is shorter and we already talked about was figuring out

00:56:41.400 how to take people's feedback.

00:56:43.540 Like I've never wanted to just lump everyone in as like, oh, they're just a hater.

00:56:46.860 Bye.

00:56:47.280 Right.

00:56:47.600 Because I want to learn.

00:56:49.060 I want to continue to grow.

00:56:50.340 And I want honestly, my content creation as well as my communication to just get better

00:56:56.100 as time goes on.

00:56:57.260 So, but also not, not like not throwing it all out.

00:57:01.140 Oh, they're just haters by, but also not clinging onto all these people's words because

00:57:05.060 ultimately they don't know me.

00:57:07.220 You know, there's that phrase, like you could be the sweetest peach and like someone still

00:57:09.940 hates peaches.

00:57:10.700 So navigating which comments actually matter, which ones to hold on to, which ones to release

00:57:16.080 has also been a little bit of like a learning curve, especially in the last couple of years

00:57:21.200 as things kind of changed.

00:57:22.920 Yeah.

00:57:23.440 So yeah, those are my answers.

00:57:24.620 To be honest, the first one I totally relate to.

00:57:28.360 And I don't think that it's weird to think that like, oh, your son is three.

00:57:32.180 So you figured it out because I'm realizing every stage is different.

00:57:36.880 So you're constantly having to shift the goalposts.

00:57:40.120 You're just like, oh, I totally get it.

00:57:42.920 Like he's, we've been doing the same thing for two weeks and now we're totally on a schedule

00:57:46.800 and a routine and it's great.

00:57:48.040 And then everything changes the next day.

00:57:50.060 And you're like, nevermind.

00:57:51.420 Glad I enjoyed it for that amount of time.

00:57:53.980 Exactly.

00:57:54.820 It's like, oh, hi, new person.

00:57:56.600 Where'd you come from?

00:57:57.840 Right.

00:57:58.220 So I don't think that that, that, that makes sense to me.

00:58:00.780 Like fair enough.

00:58:02.120 Thanks, Abby.

00:58:02.820 Thanks.

00:58:03.180 I appreciate it.

00:58:04.660 Cool.

00:58:05.060 So as a Christian, here's the next question.

00:58:08.240 As a Christian, what does the gospel look like in your marriage and in motherhood?

00:58:13.900 Oh man, forgiveness, forgiveness, forgiveness.

00:58:17.620 So for, for me, um, just the gospel message in general is one of, uh, forgiveness and love,

00:58:26.860 like kind of running hand in hand.

00:58:28.920 And I feel like that's really, especially with my marriage, like Logan just got here.

00:58:34.740 Not that I haven't experienced that with him over the last three years.

00:58:37.220 And it's definitely like he's growing up.

00:58:40.420 So I'm feeling it more, you know, like he's three now seeing the forgiveness thing really

00:58:44.980 need to, like, that made me really mad.

00:58:48.140 Um, but that's really, that's really what it, what it is.

00:58:50.760 You know, I think a lot about like, are you going to forgive?

00:58:54.380 Because Jesus said, we're supposed to forgive seven times 70, like on and on and on and on

00:58:58.820 and on.

00:58:59.180 And, you know, that's not in the, obviously if we're referring to other things, you're

00:59:02.580 not trying to be stupid and put yourself in bad positions.

00:59:04.720 But in regards to my husband who loves me deeply and has tried to do nothing but improve

00:59:11.720 upon his character and become more sanctified and hopefully more like Christ, I think I

00:59:16.320 need to extend forgiveness.

00:59:17.440 You know what I mean?

00:59:17.940 And when you live with someone for so long, you just, it's this weird combination of like,

00:59:23.780 you also start to notice more.

00:59:25.120 It almost like you, there's more things for you to forgive because you know them more intimately.

00:59:29.080 And so you see little things and it's like, dude, how do I stay in that position of, of

00:59:34.020 not judging him?

00:59:35.440 And then also choosing to forgive him when he comes to me and says, Hey, I'm sorry that

00:59:40.460 I didn't hit that mark.

00:59:41.360 Like, that's a weird way to put it.

00:59:42.960 That sounds ultra specific, but like what you had hoped that I had, I would do or how

00:59:46.860 I would handle this.

00:59:48.060 Um, will you forgive me?

00:59:49.480 It's like, I have to step up and actually forgive, not just, you know, whatever.

00:59:54.360 It's like, I need to, I need to reconcile this relationship and step back into fellowship.

00:59:59.080 Um, is one way to put it.

01:00:00.760 So that's really what it means for me.

01:00:04.340 And with my son, like I said, it's the same thing, forgiveness and love.

01:00:09.200 Um, it's a little different with him because obviously like, I'm not trying to introduce

01:00:13.420 the gospel to my husband.

01:00:14.740 Like we're on the same page, but with my son, I mean, you know, it's interesting and introducing

01:00:20.480 a human to faith, um, and sharing what that really means and, and prayer.

01:00:26.660 And yeah, I feel like every time I start to answer a question, I'm not quite sure where

01:00:31.620 to end.

01:00:32.060 So then I just keep like, but to be fair, I get it because I think that that's it.

01:00:37.920 These are questions that are open-ended in a sense.

01:00:40.320 And so it is difficult to say like, okay, well, there's a lot I want to say about this,

01:00:46.360 but here's a hard stop.

01:00:47.460 I mean, I think, I think questions.

01:00:49.660 So it's like, okay, how do I, yeah, I have the best subscribers.

01:00:52.440 I'm very lucky that they give such good questions.

01:00:54.920 But, um, I think that that's a really beautiful thing to incorporate into your life.

01:01:00.200 And I think it's something that we're constantly, I mean, it's a struggle for everybody to, to

01:01:07.140 constantly be living with someone that you love and adore and forgive them for all the

01:01:12.060 little things that they do.

01:01:13.180 Like, it's just, that's the challenge of marriage that, that makes marriage so worth it is that

01:01:21.060 we do do those things that we can, you know, bother one another and annoy one another.

01:01:26.840 And then at the same time, turn around and say, yeah, but you are the only person I want

01:01:31.780 to commit my life to.

01:01:33.180 Yes.

01:01:33.700 And, and, you know, oh, I don't know if this is bad to say, but someone sent me a clip of

01:01:38.780 a video the other day or not a clip.

01:01:40.460 They sent me the whole video and I watched the whole thing.

01:01:42.220 And it's a, it's a content creator that went through a full-on cancellation just shortly

01:01:47.120 before we went through ours.

01:01:49.800 And it really, um, refocused my perspective on everything in a totally different way, because

01:01:56.680 her and her husband ended up getting divorced and it really flashed me back.

01:02:01.720 Abby, I have, I told you, I've been married to Dan for 15 years.

01:02:04.620 The hardest year of our marriage, the whole time was year one.

01:02:08.200 The second hardest year of our whole marriage was the year of the cancellation.

01:02:12.460 And so even thinking about like, how does the gospel play into my marriage and this element

01:02:16.800 of forgiveness?

01:02:17.720 I don't want to say, I think it gets harder as you get older.

01:02:21.340 Cause I think maybe some things, you know, like you get closer, you, your relationship goes

01:02:25.040 deeper, but I think that because the longer you're alive, you're just going to experience

01:02:28.980 more heartache and more like just more happens, right?

01:02:32.840 People die.

01:02:33.500 People get sick.

01:02:34.240 Um, I think in that sense, maybe it can get, it can get harder because you're stretched and

01:02:39.080 forced to go even, even deeper in your relationship as you go through those things.

01:02:43.200 So I just left our cancellation also feeling extremely grateful about that on a side note

01:02:47.560 that, that our marriage was made stronger and that we didn't, we didn't crumble under

01:02:52.500 that because I can totally understand how and why people could crumble under that.

01:02:58.560 Yeah.

01:02:59.120 Yeah.

01:02:59.740 So I don't know if this is going to be your answer.

01:03:02.860 So I'm curious, but, uh, do you, did you ever come to a major crossroads in your life?

01:03:08.980 And if so, what did you choose?

01:03:12.900 Yeah.

01:03:14.060 Um, interesting.

01:03:16.540 I could give like four different answers, right?

01:03:19.520 Right.

01:03:19.840 I feel like there's so many things that we come to a crossroads where I'm like, this was the

01:03:24.300 time I made a big decision.

01:03:26.460 Exactly.

01:03:27.220 I mean, having my son was a crossroads, like getting married to Dan at 20 was a crossroads.

01:03:33.440 Um, going to Singapore was a crossroads.

01:03:35.720 Leaving California, I would say it was a really big one.

01:03:39.600 Um, because for me, that was, that was, I mean, that was so many things, including choosing

01:03:47.340 to believe that we could, we could leave California and build a different life and keep doing things

01:03:53.800 that we, we loved.

01:03:55.140 Um, whoops, someone's calling me decline.

01:03:57.240 Sorry.

01:03:57.620 I thought I had that on airplane mode.

01:03:58.720 Um, yeah, that was, that was probably one of the bigger crossroads, I guess, that we

01:04:04.540 haven't talked about in recent time was going, oh my gosh, she's calling back decline, turning

01:04:09.240 you on airplane mode now officially was going to Nashville, was leaving California because

01:04:13.200 I had been running a production company at the time.

01:04:15.900 And I just really started to feel like that was not what we were supposed to be doing.

01:04:20.440 And it became heavier and heavier and heavier.

01:04:22.620 And one thing led to the next, that's a whole other long story, but it was actually one of

01:04:26.920 the few I've had three moments in my life where I felt like God was speaking to me.

01:04:33.420 That's the only way I know how to put it.

01:04:34.760 One was in regards to my husband that he basically, God said to me, he's my gift to you.

01:04:40.000 It's a whole long thing.

01:04:40.760 I'm trying to summarize it.

01:04:42.240 The second one was in regards to YouTube.

01:04:44.140 And the third one was in regards to moving to Nashville.

01:04:46.220 And so it felt like obviously a huge deal.

01:04:49.780 It was very life-changing to leave the California YouTube grind and leave to a state that was

01:04:58.760 slower, not so much focused around the money hustle, but then still diving back in and being

01:05:05.800 like, okay, I'm not running this production company.

01:05:07.320 What do I want to make now?

01:05:08.700 So that was probably one of the bigger turns because that really switched.

01:05:12.600 That was also a big crossroads or a turning point for me in terms of like how I saw the

01:05:18.860 world in a lot of ways.

01:05:19.820 Like that's where I started realizing I wanted kids.

01:05:22.340 That's where I started realizing like, hey, I want to live a slower life than the one I

01:05:26.620 was living before.

01:05:28.620 Yeah, I could keep going, but that's the gist.

01:05:30.680 Yeah, no, I mean, there are so many times we come to crossroads in our life that you don't

01:05:36.120 even reel, like there are times where you come to a crossroads where you're very aware

01:05:40.740 that it's a crossroad and then there are times where you are kind of not aware until

01:05:45.160 afterwards that you made a choice.

01:05:47.120 And it seems like this was a situation where you were very aware that it was a crossroads

01:05:51.420 and you had to make a decision that you were, that clearly turned out, I mean, well for

01:05:56.680 you given where you are now.

01:05:58.140 Yeah.

01:05:58.580 You know, and people have asked me before, like, well, I thought God told you to go to

01:06:01.860 Nashville.

01:06:02.420 Like, why are you in Idaho?

01:06:03.920 And I've said to people like, dude, I mean, first off, I like to use the phrase.

01:06:08.700 I felt like God was talking to me, but it was one of only three times.

01:06:11.680 I'm not throwing this around often, but second off, I don't know that just because you feel

01:06:16.160 like a calling from the Lord in your life, that that means like, this is what you're doing

01:06:20.280 forever.

01:06:20.820 Like that was clearly the next step for us and Nashville radically changed my worldview or

01:06:27.060 maybe, maybe honed it in more.

01:06:28.740 That's a better way to put it.

01:06:29.800 Um, and so I'm so great, I'm so grateful for my time there and, and what he taught

01:06:35.260 me through just exiting Los Angeles.

01:06:37.860 Yeah.

01:06:38.760 So I think we're going to do one more question.

01:06:41.680 Cool.

01:06:42.180 So what, where do you see yourself and what do you see yourself doing in 10, 15, 20 years?

01:06:49.980 Oh, Abby.

01:06:51.280 Um, well, I think I'm, unless God has other plans for me, I think I'm always going to be

01:06:57.720 some semblance of like a creator.

01:06:59.980 I know that that's really vague.

01:07:01.620 Um, I'm actually currently working and I can't believe this.

01:07:04.760 I was sitting at the computer yesterday and I'm like, Dan, do you know how long this has

01:07:08.140 been in the making?

01:07:08.660 Like I can flash back to myself in sixth grade when my mom took me out to homeschool me

01:07:13.300 out of school.

01:07:14.340 And when I got home, I was so excited to like be able to make my own lunches.

01:07:18.880 And I just fell even deeper in love with cooking.

01:07:22.820 And so point being, I'm working on a cookbook right now.

01:07:25.260 And I was sitting, I'm excited.

01:07:27.400 I know.

01:07:27.660 I'm very excited.

01:07:28.580 I'm like embracing it more and more.

01:07:30.160 I'm like, Nikki, you've now been working on this for like five months.

01:07:32.360 Like it's time to start embracing that you're working on a cookbook.

01:07:35.140 I'd be like, I'm building a little thing with like some recipes.

01:07:37.540 It's like, no, I'm doing it.

01:07:39.260 And so I'm really excited about that.

01:07:41.800 And the reason I bring that up is not only because obviously I'm working on it, but is to

01:07:46.420 say I will probably be some semblance of a creator my whole life.

01:07:52.040 Like I said, unless God has other plans.

01:07:54.020 I mean, we have this in common.

01:07:55.540 I love music and I've learned more and more as years have gone on, like how to actually,

01:08:01.000 well, first off, I've been playing piano more.

01:08:03.420 So I'm becoming more of an actual musician.

01:08:05.200 I'm learning how to record music.

01:08:08.040 Yeah.

01:08:08.480 I really don't.

01:08:09.700 I really don't know.

01:08:10.720 I don't know where God's going to take me.

01:08:12.100 Well, you know what?

01:08:12.800 That takes me to, you know what?

01:08:14.760 This will be our last, last question.

01:08:15.920 Okay.

01:08:16.160 Okay.

01:08:16.420 And it's my question.

01:08:17.980 Sometimes what happens is I get inspired during our premium subscriber question segment and

01:08:22.280 I have to ask a question of my own.

01:08:24.020 So here is my final question for you.

01:08:27.700 And I was thinking about this earlier in the podcast.

01:08:30.160 And so it fits in perfectly here because I think it's such an interesting thing to be

01:08:34.520 a creative.

01:08:35.540 And I say, be a creative because like someone who's in the creative space and also be conservative

01:08:41.280 because I think most people don't equate those two things.

01:08:44.800 Yeah.

01:08:44.900 How do you feel that those things balance or play off each other or make sense for the

01:08:54.000 people who are like, how can you be a creative and also have, you know, more traditional values

01:08:58.480 or be conservative?

01:08:59.460 So you're just wondering like how I think those things kind of hold hands.

01:09:04.640 Yeah.

01:09:05.020 Because I think that so much, if, if somebody, you know, finds out that I'm an opera singer

01:09:09.740 before they know anything else about me, they're going to assume I'm on the left.

01:09:14.320 And I mean, that was why, that was part of the reason that I couldn't be openly conservative.

01:09:18.540 So I think it's always interesting to meet other people who are creative and not just

01:09:23.560 YouTubers, but people who are creative.

01:09:26.460 Like you'd make music and you cook and you do all these things that are such creative

01:09:30.900 endeavors.

01:09:32.640 How does that fit in with kind of conservative values?

01:09:36.580 Do you think that it does?

01:09:37.580 Do you think those influence each other or do you think they're just separate?

01:09:39.960 Yeah.

01:09:40.840 You know, I think they fit in when you have your priorities, right?

01:09:45.640 Meaning like, I don't think it necessarily would fit in if I was still living life in

01:09:50.360 LA, working on sets all the time, because just like you said, the environment is, tends to

01:09:55.580 be very left-leaning.

01:09:57.060 So it's a different environment to be around in general on like a big professional Hollywood

01:10:00.420 set.

01:10:01.560 But also like your, your time, like you're just, when you're on set for 14 hours, like it's

01:10:08.240 kind of hard to live out traditional values.

01:10:10.340 You know what I mean?

01:10:10.900 That's true.

01:10:11.700 That's true.

01:10:12.360 I see it as just like, in terms of, I don't know, I've had this conversation with a few

01:10:16.100 people about like the Proverbs 31 woman and how she works, but she's kind of mostly working

01:10:21.820 out of her home.

01:10:22.860 And so I just see like what I do as that, but my skillset, you know, that's at least

01:10:28.520 proven monetizable.

01:10:29.600 And like what I love is artistic leaning endeavors, you know, music and video creation

01:10:35.420 and just all of that kind of stuff.

01:10:37.860 And, you know, this is like, I've been creating professionally to some degree since I was like

01:10:42.180 14 and it's changed a lot.

01:10:44.600 I'm glad it's changed a lot.

01:10:46.880 But yeah, that, that's kind of how I see it.

01:10:48.660 I feel like we live in a really, in some ways in a really unique time and in other ways,

01:10:51.980 not so much, because like I said, I gave the comparison to the Proverbs 31 woman.

01:10:55.100 I think there's always been an element of a woman being able to be creative out of her

01:11:00.500 home.

01:11:00.880 Like if she has the time.

01:11:03.200 I love that.

01:11:04.080 It didn't even occur to me until you said it, that so much of the, I think so much of

01:11:08.880 the reason people can't equate creative endeavors with, you know, traditional values is just the

01:11:15.420 time investment that it takes to reach a certain level of accomplishment.

01:11:21.540 Yeah.

01:11:21.800 And that didn't, that never has occurred to me because it's so true.

01:11:24.400 I mean, if you're going to be the best opera singer, if you're going to be the best, I

01:11:28.100 don't know, whatever else it is, you have to be completely and entirely dedicated to

01:11:33.160 the detriment of everything else.

01:11:35.160 But that doesn't mean that you can't be creative and prioritize the right things.

01:11:39.840 It just means that maybe what that creative endeavor is going to look like is a little

01:11:44.120 bit different.

01:11:45.320 Yes, exactly.

01:11:46.300 And like, I think there's also an element sometimes of like redefining success.

01:11:49.940 Like, okay, what does, what does success mean to me?

01:11:52.220 Not only within the confines of like my family and my relationships and the community that

01:11:57.200 I'm building, but even in terms of my art, because yeah, you're right.

01:12:01.620 You're going to get different results for like different, I don't know, amount of time that

01:12:05.340 you've put in different crowds that you're running in.

01:12:07.520 Um, but I just, I think, yeah, I know a lot of creative women up here that are, are stay

01:12:14.340 at home moms, but they're still creating something, whether it's like they're doing photography

01:12:18.700 or I have a friend, um, and it has like an online business, you know, it's just, it depends.

01:12:24.120 Sorry, my thoughts kind of trailed there, but that's the, that's the gist of how I feel

01:12:27.800 that like, it's totally possible.

01:12:30.180 It just depends on your priorities.

01:12:32.020 And the cool thing about, oh, I don't want to use this phrase, but we're going to say

01:12:35.640 it conservative art, right.

01:12:38.100 Is that the artist is obviously always creating art, like from their worldview.

01:12:44.400 And I think that there's something beautiful and so cool and desperately needed for people

01:12:50.740 who have these more traditional worldviews to share how they see things, share the art that

01:12:57.040 they're creating.

01:12:58.040 Um, because I think that that's also part of how culture changes as well, like through

01:13:03.040 art and through people being able to visualize things and see it.

01:13:06.900 And like I mentioned at the beginning, that's part of what I love about making my videos is

01:13:10.860 like showing people the beauty that I'm experiencing in not only my everyday life, but even in like

01:13:16.860 just motherhood and creating a home.

01:13:19.020 Because like I said, for me, that was not, that was not really what I saw elevated.

01:13:22.820 I saw the opposite, you know, girl boss, kids are too hard to handle.

01:13:27.620 You're going to be throwing your life away.

01:13:29.100 And so if I can share with people like the unexpected beauty that I've experienced and

01:13:35.240 the gift of my husband and getting to take care of my son at my home and at my home, in

01:13:42.260 my home, that's worded weird, but you get it.

01:13:44.080 Um, it's just a gift.

01:13:45.160 And I'm, I'm so grateful that the internet allows us to like get our art out there.

01:13:51.060 I'm just, I'm really grateful.

01:13:53.340 Well, I think that is a perfect place to stop.

01:13:56.800 I love everything that we talked about today.

01:13:59.060 It was so great having you on.

01:14:00.540 So tell everyone where they can find you.

01:14:02.420 Cause I want to make sure that my subscribers can follow you and figure out where, where

01:14:06.660 you're, where you're at.

01:14:08.380 At.

01:14:08.820 Thanks, Abby.

01:14:09.980 Well, my, my husband was smarter than me when I started YouTube.

01:14:13.340 I wanted to come up with like a fun username.

01:14:15.660 Like we always joke like sparkly butterfly 26 or whatever.

01:14:18.940 And he was like, no, just use your name.

01:14:21.300 So anywhere on the internet, I mean, we had like a full on thing.

01:14:24.720 So I was like, Dan, it's gotta be cool.

01:14:26.440 He was like, this is ridiculous.

01:14:28.160 So you can look me up online, Nikki Philippi.

01:14:31.320 It's just N I K K I.

01:14:33.000 And then Philippi is with a P H I.

01:14:35.380 Um, and that's my name all over the internet, Instagram, YouTube, pretty much the main spots.

01:14:41.960 I'm there.

01:14:43.340 Perfect.

01:14:43.820 So everyone go give Nikki a follow guys.

01:14:47.480 And I'm hoping to have Abby on my channel soon too.

01:14:51.420 So you guys will have to keep a lookout for that because this has been all in the works

01:14:55.120 for a while and I'm just pumped.

01:14:56.820 We're moving forward on it.

01:14:58.080 Yeah, me too.

01:14:58.780 I can't wait for that.

01:14:59.700 That's going to be awesome.

01:15:00.880 So make sure to subscribe to this podcast if you haven't already.

01:15:04.660 And I would love if you would leave a review on Apple podcasts.

01:15:07.080 That really helps me out.

01:15:08.520 Thank you all so much for listening and I'll see you in my next episode.

01:15:12.220 Bye.

01:15:13.520 Bye.

Classically Abby - March 22, 2023

Nikki Phillippi On Being Cancelled, Miscarriage, And Living Life On Her Terms ⧸⧸ Ep. 10

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