Classically Abby - The TRUTH About TRADWIVES.

00:00:00.000 Let's talk tradwives. 1.00

00:00:05.800 Hi and welcome to my channel. If you are new here, my name is Abby and here we talk about

00:00:11.080 common sense commentary. I'm really excited to have you guys here to chat about things that

00:00:16.600 should be obvious in today's culture but are for some reason made controversial and I am really

00:00:22.040 excited to start with tradwives. So this is actually kind of a complicated topic but since

00:00:27.940 I have often been lumped in to this category I think it's important to talk about. So let's just

00:00:33.700 hop right in. I was recently interviewed for an article in the New Yorker called the rise and fall

00:00:39.560 of the trad wife. Now this article was actually not about me really at all. It was really focused

00:00:45.240 on one person and one person alone who is a part of the trad wife movement and her story and they

00:00:50.920 kind of brought in other women in this area of the internet as examples. Whenever you're interviewed 0.93

00:00:57.000 for anything you know for the trad wife movement it's going to be a hit piece. The internet hates

00:01:02.260 trad wives okay? Let's just get that right out there. The fact that there is a subset of women 1.00

00:01:07.280 who are rejecting the feminist narrative that says that women have to be girl bosses and need to find

00:01:13.160 fulfillment through work and that being mothers is too hard. You can imagine that people really

00:01:18.760 hate that. It makes a lot of people angry. So when the author of this article reached out and asked me

00:01:23.820 to answer some questions I knew that this wasn't going to be coming from a friendly perspective

00:01:27.800 but I also know what I think and what I believe and I knew that if I sent her my answers in the

00:01:32.360 body of the email if she decided to take some of my words out of context I could easily share my

00:01:36.860 answers with the internet and say hey this is what I actually wrote. So today I actually want to use

00:01:42.920 the answers I gave her for that article as the basis of this video. But I think the first thing to

00:01:49.240 start off with is the term trad wife in and of itself. Now trad wife is a term that is a classic 0.75

00:01:54.280 case of semantic overload. What does semantic overload mean? It means a word that has been

00:01:59.500 imbued with a ton of different meanings to a ton of different people. So one person may use the term

00:02:04.680 in one way and another person may use the term in a totally different way and when they're talking

00:02:09.980 to each other they're trying to have a conversation about something that they understand completely

00:02:14.520 differently. Trad wife is a really good example of that. For some people trad wife means a

00:02:19.140 traditional wife meaning someone who accepts the differences between men and women, different gender

00:02:25.020 roles, and for another person trad wife might mean being completely submissive to your husband, women 1.00

00:02:29.380 should never work, the idea that a woman would work is actually undermining her femininity, etc etc. 1.00

00:02:35.020 Now you can see how those are very different understandings of the term and having a conversation

00:02:40.420 when both people understand it differently would be kind of fruitless. And that's why I have never

00:02:46.020 called myself a trad wife. I have completely removed myself from that conversation. I use the term

00:02:52.780 classic. That's why I'm classically Abby. I believe that there are differing gender roles and that women 1.00

00:02:58.340 have a really special role in the home. But I don't believe that women are so submissive to their husbands 0.99

00:03:04.740 and I know that this term can be used differently based on your religious perspective. But from the

00:03:10.220 perspective of a woman can't come to her husband and say you need to improve in certain areas because 1.00

00:03:15.420 she is subjugated to his will, I will never agree with that. I think that women can work if they need 1.00

00:03:20.480 to work. Meaning if you need to get food on the table, then you need to work. Like that is more

00:03:26.220 important than your presence at home in any given situation. If you need to get food on the table, if you

00:03:31.220 need to pay for a roof over kids heads, like making sure everyone is provided for is the absolute

00:03:37.880 number one priority. But I think for many women who choose to work nowadays, that isn't the case. 1.00

00:03:42.160 They choose to work because it's their own self-fulfillment they're looking for and it

00:03:46.180 doesn't matter if it hurts the kids. I think it's much more important for a mother to be home with

00:03:50.140 her children, especially in the first three years, than it is for her to kind of get what's hers,

00:03:55.740 as they would say. So what are the good ways we can view the term trad wife? How can we view it in a

00:04:01.580 positive way? And what are the less positive ways that it's, that it can be understood? So the

00:04:07.580 positive ways are traditional gender roles. Women are really wonderful mothers, right? We are meant 0.99

00:04:14.060 to be there for our children, raise our children. There's a reason that women can breastfeed and men 1.00

00:04:18.740 can't. Nurturing is a fundamental part of femininity and that is what makes women amazing mothers and why 1.00

00:04:26.260 they are so necessary at home. I think men are providers. Now what does provider mean? Back in

00:04:33.120 the day, it didn't mean only financially that they had to go out to work. It just meant that they were

00:04:37.720 the ones in the field. They were the ones working to make sure that the family was fed. And women

00:04:42.540 could contribute to that as well. Many women worked in the field alongside their husbands and it was a 1.00

00:04:47.120 familial task to provide for the family. But husbands need to protect and provide. And I think the

00:04:53.680 feminist movement has really undermined the importance of women's role in the home. And in 1.00

00:04:59.300 an attempt to get women out there working, getting what's theirs as men do, right? There's this concept 0.89

00:05:05.120 that men had it all and women were put in a comfortable concentration camp as Betty Friedan wrote

00:05:11.660 in her book, The Feminine Mystique. Women have given up this incredible, beautiful role that we do have at 0.99

00:05:18.820 home where we get to make the home better and warmer for everyone in it. We get to be the CEO

00:05:24.880 of our own household rather than working for someone else. And that is an amazingly beautiful thing. Now

00:05:30.480 from the negative side, I think that the term trad wife can also connote women being subjugated. Women

00:05:36.480 being second class citizens to their husbands where they can't offer criticisms or advice or have a role 0.51

00:05:43.420 in improving their husband because they are secondary. I can't get on board with that. I think

00:05:48.860 that every marriage is a partnership, that both partners are trying to improve the other so that

00:05:53.140 you each are growing over time. And when you have this idea that women are secondary, then you aren't

00:06:00.700 giving women credit for what they can bring to the table in their marriage, in their household.

00:06:05.320 When it comes to the term trad wife, I don't think the idea that women have a unique and beautiful

00:06:11.640 role as mothers is the only thing that trad wife means, right? That's what I was kind of talking

00:06:17.080 about is that the semantic overload of that term makes it so that it doesn't mean what it should

00:06:22.580 mean, which is just having the traditional values that come alongside being a mother and a wife.

00:06:28.120 Women are absolutely necessary to their children thriving. And I think that's what's been lost over 0.59

00:06:33.520 time is that we've gotten so invested in expressive individualism. The idea that like you have to

00:06:40.400 be yourself and fulfill your dreams and whoever comes at the cost of that, it doesn't matter.

00:06:47.700 Your children can't come at the cost of your dreams. The truth is that once you have children,

00:06:52.440 your dreams are often fulfilled by becoming a mother. Like your child is your dream. That is an

00:06:57.740 amazing thing. You see your child grow and it's amazing. But outside of you, you kind of don't matter

00:07:04.340 anymore once you have kids because you now owe your time to your children. They deserve your

00:07:12.140 attention and they need it. It's an incredibly important and deeply honorable role women have 1.00

00:07:17.880 as homemakers. And when I say that, I mean making a home for their children, for their husband, for

00:07:25.300 themselves. And this role has been tragically undermined and denigrated by our society because

00:07:31.400 we think that we can pretty much outsource all of it. We could outsource the cleaning and the

00:07:36.180 cooking and the time that we spend with our kids because we'll put them in daycare while mommy goes 0.67

00:07:40.160 out and finds herself. It's actually really depressing when you think about how these roles that offer

00:07:46.680 women so much fulfillment and joy have also been completely undermined. And it's been said that these 1.00

00:07:51.760 roles are a waste of your time. They're a waste of your potential when there's no more important place

00:07:58.040 that a mother can be than with her children. Unfortunately, that isn't how we view things

00:08:02.780 anymore. She should be out showing off how smart she is, showing off that she can, you know, get a 1.00

00:08:08.180 promotion rather than teaching her child to be an incredible member of society. The question is always

00:08:13.960 how can your family be best served? And if that means that a mother has to work to provide for her 0.94

00:08:19.280 family, then that makes sense. That doesn't undermine her femininity or her traditional values. She's doing what 0.99

00:08:26.780 she can to make sure her family is provided for. But if it's about her and her self-fulfillment,

00:08:32.640 then that isn't a traditional value. That is a selfish pursuit of yourself, of your dreams, rather

00:08:39.420 than putting your family first. And that's not to say that a woman can't work in the time when her 1.00

00:08:44.740 children are busy, right? Like my son is napping right now. My other son is kind of playing while my

00:08:51.380 mother watches him. And I am taking this time right now to film a video. That makes sense for my family

00:08:59.000 because I'm not taking away from them. And to be completely honest, at this point in my life,

00:09:03.840 I work about five hours a week. I record and I edit in the evenings after my children go to sleep.

00:09:10.520 I don't take away from my children so that I can fulfill my potential. I want to do something that

00:09:16.440 brings me joy. This brings me joy. And I think that it can help my family in certain ways because it

00:09:20.900 helps us just pay for groceries, essentially. But it doesn't come at the cost of my children's

00:09:26.700 health, happiness, or thriving. But I think one of the more controversial takes that I personally have

00:09:33.400 about trad wife content is that I believe that homemaking really starts once you have children.

00:09:39.180 A stay-at-home wife, I don't think is as valuable as a stay-at-home mom. Because I don't know what

00:09:48.920 you're doing all day as a stay-at-home wife that is putting your family first, if that makes sense. 1.00

00:09:55.060 Meaning the cooking and the cleaning and the homemaking aspect of things I think is very

00:09:59.420 important even just as a wife before you have children. But there's a lot of hours in the day

00:10:03.580 and I don't think that that's going to take nearly as much time. So I don't know what you would be

00:10:07.440 doing otherwise with your time. That is not helping the family financially. Because I think once you

00:10:13.920 have children, if you're planning on being a stay-at-home mom, maybe before your children come

00:10:18.840 along you do have a job that means you can save and help provide for your children so that once you

00:10:24.840 do have children you can stop working and give them your full attention. That may be more of a

00:10:28.960 controversial idea. Leave your thoughts down below on that. But I was never a completely stay-at-home

00:10:34.800 wife. I worked very very hard on Classically Abby before I had my children. I was working

00:10:41.520 many more hours a week to establish myself and then once I had kids this became something I could

00:10:47.900 do much more on this side. I'd like to hear your thoughts on that in the comments so drop your

00:10:51.640 thoughts down below. Okay so I realized as I was editing this video that there were a few things I

00:10:55.580 wanted to talk about that I didn't mention. Things may look a little different because it's evening

00:11:00.100 but we're gonna chat about them real quick. So some of the things I want to talk about as regards

00:11:04.760 trad wife stuff is the aesthetics of trad wives. I think that there's a lot of confusion that the

00:11:12.740 aesthetics of being a trad wife are the values of being a trad wife and with this I heartily

00:11:18.580 disagree. One of the big things about being a trad wife is like sourdough and wearing beautiful 1.00

00:11:25.080 dresses while cooking in the kitchen. I don't think that those things are values that are important to

00:11:31.920 being a traditional woman. I think that cooking is a really nice thing and cooking well is really

00:11:38.500 nice. I think that looking nice for your husband and embracing feminine clothing is beautiful but if

00:11:45.200 you're not spending all day in the kitchen because you prefer to be out and about with your kids I

00:11:50.760 think that that is a perfectly valid way to be a traditional wife and a traditional mother. I think if

00:11:56.240 you prefer to wear jeans and a t-shirt because it's more comfortable when you're out with your toddler

00:12:01.040 than wearing a gorgeous dress that you're gonna have to dry clean. I think that is perfectly valid.

00:12:07.120 I know that for me I am the kind of woman who likes to wear nice dresses that I can throw in the wash

00:12:12.620 and that I like to be out and about with my sons all day rather than be home cooking because it's more

00:12:19.240 fun for me to explore the world with my children than it is for me to be in the kitchen all day. Now I

00:12:26.020 enjoy the process of cooking with my sons. I think that it's fun but that's not an activity I want to

00:12:31.520 do every day. So I try to find different ways to cook well for them without it taking up my entire

00:12:38.580 schedule. And the way that I approach motherhood may not be the way someone else approaches motherhood

00:12:42.920 and that's okay as long as the kids are the top priority. You get to decide what that looks like as

00:12:48.880 far as the activities you share with your children. The other question I think that comes up a lot

00:12:52.960 with the trad wife content that we see on the internet like ballerina farm is does it make it

00:12:58.940 look too idealized? Is it too unrealistic? Does it make women feel bad? And I think that that is silly.

00:13:05.520 When women are trying to put out content that makes being a mother look appealing we should be happy 0.99

00:13:13.140 about that right? It should appeal to the women who may be questioning whether or not they even want 0.95

00:13:18.320 to become mothers or whether or not staying at home looks like fun. That's a good thing that we're

00:13:24.140 giving them a view into this world that is very positive. As a mom already if you look at that content

00:13:31.780 and it makes you feel bad maybe you should rethink the way you're approaching things. Maybe you can

00:13:37.380 consider if there's some things that you want to do differently. Otherwise if you are confident in

00:13:42.020 your approach to your mothering then you shouldn't feel bad looking at somebody else's stylized version

00:13:48.820 because that's what it all is. It's all stylized. They're not showing us the dirty kitchen. They're

00:13:52.780 not showing us the dirty dirty diapers they changed. They're showing us the highlights which we know

00:13:58.720 it's social media is. So if you can look at that and take away things that maybe you want to incorporate

00:14:03.840 into your own lifestyle rather than being mad at the person who's putting out stylized content which we

00:14:09.660 all know they do maybe that's the way to approach it. But I don't think that putting out an idealized

00:14:14.180 version of being a mom and enjoying your day-to-day is a bad thing. I think that it's a nice thing and

00:14:21.480 we can be smart enough to parse through that and say okay is this actually something I can relate to

00:14:28.440 if I if I can understand that it's also a highlight reel. But the last thing that I want to touch on is

00:14:33.420 how has the term trad wife become so political? Like why is it so political? And I sort of touched on this

00:14:40.120 earlier in the video but I think what it really comes down to is the rejection of second and third wave

00:14:47.020 feminism. So if you know the history of feminism it started off as equity feminism which is the stuff 1.00

00:14:52.840 you kind of think about when you think about feminism which is women getting the right to vote. 1.00

00:14:56.920 Stuff like that. I think that's great. Sure. Women should absolutely have the right to vote 1.00

00:15:00.500 and we should be equal in the eyes of the law. All of that. Then we start getting into second and

00:15:04.680 third wave feminism. And second and third wave feminism are under the the umbrella of gender 1.00

00:15:10.440 feminism. Gender feminism is a an offshoot of Marxism. Marxism says that there is always an oppressor 0.75

00:15:16.500 class and there's always an oppressed class. In gender feminism what that looks like is women are 1.00

00:15:21.880 the oppressed class and men are the oppressors. So women no matter how successful they are are always 1.00

00:15:28.240 going to be oppressed simply by virtue of the fact that they are women. So a woman at home is the 0.98

00:15:34.940 perfect example in gender feminism of someone who is oppressed. Men get to go out and work. Men get to

00:15:41.600 have all the fun. Women are locked at home. They have to be subservient. They have to serve their husbands. 1.00

00:15:46.460 This is the problem with the idea of being a trad wife is that you are rejecting that idea. You are saying

00:15:53.100 that men are not the oppressors and women are not the oppressed. What it really is is that men and women

00:15:57.560 are different and women thrive taking care of their children. Women thrive taking care of their 1.00

00:16:03.700 homes and they are doing something really important. Whereas men not that they have to go out to work 0.77

00:16:10.520 but the fact that they are providing for their families protecting their families is their role.

00:16:15.080 And a lot of feminists hate this trad wife stay-at-home mom concept because what it looks like to them 1.00

00:16:21.200 is that women want to be oppressed. Women who are home with their children or trad wives if you want to 1.00

00:16:26.640 use that term here reject that idea. And we say that we love men. We don't hate men for being

00:16:32.660 oppressors. We love our men for being different than we are and for providing different things to

00:16:37.920 our families. So that's kind of how the trad wife thing crosses over into politics. But I think one

00:16:44.700 of the important things to keep in mind is that being a stay-at-home mom and this is a whole other

00:16:49.020 video we're going to talk about. Being a stay-at-home mom taking care of your kids it doesn't have to look 0.93

00:16:53.120 like being at home. It doesn't have to look like being lonely. These are modern problems with the

00:16:59.500 stay-at-home lifestyle when really it should be communal. It should be supported. It should be

00:17:06.780 fun to go out all the time. And it's not just about being at home in your home. I know that me as a

00:17:12.440 stay-at-home mom I am rarely at home because I take my kids out and about constantly. But I think that

00:17:17.540 this conversation about trad wives the reason it's so hot right now is that women are trying to 1.00

00:17:25.340 come out of the narratives that media has sold us. We are trying to understand what really brings

00:17:31.780 women fulfillment. What really is the beauty of being a woman? Is it just trying to be men as hard

00:17:38.060 as we can even though we're different? Because that's kind of where we're at. We're encouraging women

00:17:42.700 to put off having kids longer and longer, pursue their careers, to have sex before we're married,

00:17:50.700 to do all these things that men do. And by the way, I'm not saying that these are good things that men

00:17:56.260 do, but men do do them. Maybe there is a wisdom to the traditional values we have heard about, we have

00:18:05.100 seen in the past. There may be a wisdom to that. And I know that for me, embracing my feminine role,

00:18:12.260 embracing my womanhood, embracing being a mom has brought me so much more joy and fulfillment than

00:18:18.100 any other career could have because I get to see my children grow every single day. I get to be present

00:18:24.180 for them every single day. And I get to see what my presence does that if I wasn't around, they wouldn't

00:18:33.100 get. So I'm glad that there is a conversation to be had about trad wives. I don't, again, fall into that

00:18:39.620 category so much because I don't like to embrace that term since it has so many different meanings,

00:18:45.080 but I'm glad the conversation is being had at all. And I think that there are beautiful things about

00:18:50.200 being a traditional wife, a classic wife, a classic mother. And I think that's really part of this is

00:18:59.340 that it should almost be trad mother rather than trad wife. But I know that living with traditional 0.97

00:19:04.540 values is the way, is the best way to live. So that's my thoughts for today. I would love to hear

00:19:12.100 your thoughts in the comments below. What do you think about trad wives? What's your understanding

00:19:15.720 of the term? And if you watched all the way to the end of this video, I would love if you would leave

00:19:21.300 a fruit emoji, your favorite fruit, leave it down in the comments below. And I will see you guys in

00:19:27.920 my next one. Bye!

Classically Abby - April 03, 2024

The TRUTH About TRADWIVES.

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