THIS IS A JUICY Q&A - we're talking about IT ALL!
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Summary
abby answers your burning questions about motherhood, dating, and personal questions. Do you find that there is more sexualization of women who dress modestly? Which stage of motherhood do you find the most difficult? How do you feel about breastfeeding? What are some of the most challenging and most rewarding parts of being a mom? Is it possible to be a good mom at all stages of parenting?
Transcript
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Hello and welcome to my channel. My name is Abbey. If you are new here, I would love if you would
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subscribe and hit that notification bell. Today, we are going to be answering your burning questions.
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I posted on Instagram and said, hey, I'm doing a Q&A on my channel and I want to hear about
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questions you have about motherhood and dating and relationships and modesty and personal
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questions. Any questions you guys have and today we're going to answer those questions. So I'm
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really excited to hop right into it. I hope you guys are excited too. Maybe your question
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will be answered. So stay tuned and let's get right into it. The first question is, do you
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find that there's more sexualizing of women who dress modest versus dress provocative? I
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think this is a really interesting question. The question to me means, do women who dress
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modestly actually get more sexualized? And my guess is no. Now the other thing I want to
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talk about as regards modesty is, does it matter whether people choose to sexualize you, right?
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Like I am sexualized on the internet all the time. I dress really modestly. Just because men who are
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gross are going to be gross no matter what doesn't mean that I should dress immodestly, right? Like if
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I dressed modestly or immodestly, they would sexualize me either way. Well, that's on them. It's not
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on me. For me, I know that when I was dating, the kind of guys that I would want to attract are not
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the kind of guys who would sexualize me no matter what, or who only wanted to have a one night stand.
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I wanted to attract the kind of guy who wanted to get to know me and my personality. And if I'm
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dressing in a certain way, it's going to attract a certain type of man. And I would be giving men
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the signals of what I'm looking for. I'm looking for a guy who takes me seriously and wants something
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more serious. If I'm dressing in a way that's immodest, it only hurts my chances of getting
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what I want. So whether or not a bad guy is going to sexualize me, it shouldn't affect the way that
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I dress modestly. Because modesty is a wonderful tool for me. And it's a respectful way to approach
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the world. And bad guys are always going to be bad guys, no matter what you wear. But good guys can
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be better and can avoid the distraction of your body if you give them the tools to do that and allow
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them to get to know you. Are they going to find you beautiful and attractive even if you dress
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modestly? Yes, but they're not going to be sexualizing you right off the bat. Whereas a bad
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guy is going to choose to sexualize you either way. Which stage do you find more difficult? Newborn,
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infant, or toddler? They're difficult in different ways. But for sure for me, the earliest stage,
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like the first three months, is the hardest. That's different for everybody. Some people love the
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newborn stage. I'm not a huge newborn stage person. I like elements of it. But I think for me when
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things get good is when we have a little more of a routine, a schedule, and my babies start to show
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their personalities. So that's like three months and on. The first three months is just hard because
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you're super sleep deprived and your baby isn't really responsive to you. So it's all your love
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going in and not so much coming out. The toddler stage is hard for different reasons because you're
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moving from caretaking into parenting. But if you're intentional about the way that you parent,
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I don't think it's that difficult. And you can communicate, which I love. I love communicating
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with my son. I think it's just the best thing ever. So that is the less hard part of toddler
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parenting is that he can tell you what he needs and wants. Is it exhausting? Yes. Do I get 10,000 steps
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a day without trying? Yes. That to me isn't as hard as being sleep deprived, not being able to
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understand what the baby needs from me, being anxious about their sleep, being anxious about
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their nursing, all of those things like that you can't really control become less important over
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time. I got a lot of questions about breastfeeding and I love talking about breastfeeding so I'm happy
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to answer some of them. Have you had any latch issues with babies? Have you done bottle feeding?
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Do you pump? Just had my first. So I didn't have latch issues with my babies but I had you know
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different problems with each one. With my first, I caused an oversupply in my body and I pumped with
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him but I really had created my own problem by using the haka in a really intense way. When I was
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nursing on one side, I would put the haka on the other and so my body basically was like making
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enough milk for two babies and that created a whole host of problems. My son was really good. My first
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was really good at nursing. It's just that having an oversupply was uncomfortable for him and for me.
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My second had some issues with latching where he was always clicking and I worked with a lactation
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consultant and it was positional. He has a little bit of a high palate. He doesn't have any tongue tie
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issues or anything like that but he kind of just grew out of it as he gets older which I find is
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often the case is the baby needs to learn how to nurse in the first three months. Again, why the first
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three months are hard. Babies are not very good at nursing and then after the first three months like
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it's easy peasy because they can start to hold their head up and they can start to be a little more in
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control of what's happening as opposed to just always the mom having to feed the baby. The baby
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wants to come to mom. Do I pump? This time around, not at all. Didn't pump I don't think once which has
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been lovely because I don't have to clean anything and I hate having to clean stuff. I hate having to
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pump. I'd rather be an exclusively breastfeeding mom and not be able to go out a lot than have to
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clean pump parts and do all of that. It just drives me crazy. I don't think there's anything wrong
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with it. I just don't like it and my sons didn't really take bottles because of that. Ideal number
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of kids to have. So I personally think three is the minimum people should have. Obviously two is normal
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like two is normalized. Two is what most people will have but three is above a little bit above
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replacement rate so that's good. I like that. I like that and then any more than that is amazing.
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So there's no ideal number over three. We would love to have more than four but you know whatever
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God gives us, whatever we can manage, that's the goal. We'd love to have a large, large family
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but for me it's like anything above three is great. Can you explain modern Judaism? How Old Testament
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laws translate to modern day? I'm probably not the best person to answer this just because
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you know I can answer it from my knowledge as an orthodox Jew but I'm not a rabbi. Like that isn't
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what I study but it's what I do and live. What I can say is modern orthodox Judaism is being a part of
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the modern world while keeping the laws of the Old Testament and rabbinical law works with how the
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world changes and moves to incorporate that stuff into law. So for example we're not supposed to use fire
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on sabbath but we kind of over time have developed electricity so how does that come into play?
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We're allowed to set things on timers before sabbath starts and not use electricity by touching it
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ourselves on the sabbath. Instead we can set things to go on and off before sabbath starts. That's a way
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that we can keep with the original law in our modern era. So we are not a faith that is stagnant
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and doesn't change and says we have to stay back in like you know the before times and the olden times.
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We have to adjust using what we know and understand about the law and what we know about modernity.
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So that's how we have adjusted our faith over time and it's not that we are changing laws it's that we are
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taking into account what is new. There are certain things that we will not ever allow. We won't ever allow
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driving on sabbath because one of the most important tenets of orthodox Judaism is that we can only
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live within a certain area of our synagogues and that allows us to all be really close physically
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on sabbath so we can all walk to each other's houses and the kids can go play. As soon as cars
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get like linked into this then everyone's really spread out. You have to drive to go to someone's
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house. You have to make plans as opposed to everyone's out within one square mile. Everyone
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can walk to each other's houses because everyone knows that they're there and you can go play with
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each other's kids. Like that's a huge difference that being able to drive totally gets wrong and that's
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actually been an issue with the conservative movement is that as soon as they allowed people to drive
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people stopped going to synagogue as much. People could if you could drive to synagogue why not drive
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to the zoo and you didn't have that sense of community anymore. So that is kind of how the
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laws of the Old Testament have been brought into the modern day is through rabbinical law. Was I ever
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not pro-life? No. I was always really pro-life and that is because when I was about 13 or 14 I found a book
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at the bookstore all about pregnancy and how the baby developed from the very beginning and I thought it
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was so incredible and so such a miracle that I couldn't understand why someone wouldn't be pro-life.
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Like it was very difficult for me to understand. Now as an adult I can understand the arguments for why
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someone would be pro-abortion but they're they're just wrong and if you look at all of the pro-life
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arguments it's really hard not to be convinced of the fact that life begins at conception.
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What's my favorite animal? I don't know why but horse is popping into my head. I love horses.
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What's your skincare routine? It's flawless. I actually did a video about this a long time ago
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because I used to have terrible skin. I had acne all over. There was a lot that went into me clearing
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up my skin but mostly it was realizing that any topical treatment I did I had to use for the full six
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weeks. I kept trying for like three weeks and then it wouldn't work and I would just dump out and be
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like it doesn't work and I learned that using skincare for a full six weeks is necessary to
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start to see small changes. As soon as I started using these topical ointments from my dermatologist
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for a full six weeks and started to see small changes and then use them for a week beyond that
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then I could start to see improvement. It was that it was using a like a silicone vibrating brush
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those really helped clear out my skin and yeah I mean I think just growing up I think those were
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the things I mean I was in my mid-20s before my skin really cleared up. How does your husband deal
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with the vulgar comments made towards you? It used to be a little more jarring I think but as time has
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gone on we're just kind of like oh okay people say stupid things and he feels the same way. He's like
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yeah people say stupid things. I have an awesome beautiful wife but it's just people saying dumb
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things and you can kind of get over that once you realize how it's really not important. How to
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transition to modest clothing without throwing out your entire wardrobe? That is a great question
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because I went through a period where I wasn't dressing as modestly and how do you kind of do that? How do
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you keep some things and get rid of some things? So there are certain items you will have to get rid
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of. Really really short shorts like that's just not going to be a really good fit. There are some
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most things you can actually make work. So if you have like a spaghetti strap dress you can start by
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wearing a shirt under it. If you have a crop top you can start by wearing a fitted dress underneath it
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so that you don't show your belly. If you have a lot of leggings you can get some long tunics.
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If you have a lot of dresses that are short that I would say is a little more complicated
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but you could start by wearing leggings underneath them and then maybe transition those out of your
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wardrobe over time. Or you can if you like sewing you can kind of sew a frill on the bottom and make
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it longer. I've done that with some dresses. I find that TJ Maxx has a lot of great clothes that are
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longer. I mean we're in an era of midi length clothing that is amazing. Like when I was in high school
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nothing was a midi length. Everything was a mini skirt. So if I found a skirt that came to my knees
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I would buy it no matter what. Even if I hated it because like nothing was long enough. But nowadays
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so many clothes are long. So you could definitely find pretty inexpensive options to add to your
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wardrobe that are longer. And I think that's kind of a good starting place is work with what you have
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and then slowly build up a wardrobe that is more modest over time. Do you still sing opera? I sing
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all the time around my house. Do I sing professionally? No because I'm a stay-at-home mom
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with my kiddos. And also I am a religious Jew and you would have to perform and rehearse on Friday
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nights and Saturdays which is my Sabbath. And I also don't want to perform and rehearse at night
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because I want to be able to put my babies to sleep and I want to be able to spend time with my
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husband. But if someone were to offer me a concert or something where it's not a ton of rehearsal time
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and it's like one night. Absolutely. I would love to. What's your honest thoughts on liberal women?
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Do you have liberal friends? I do have liberal friends. Honestly if we don't talk about politics
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we can be friends. And actually this one liberal friend I have we can talk about politics. But for
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the other women who I know who are liberal who I'm friendly with and have and are my friends
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we just don't talk about politics. We talk a lot about like life. Like what are you doing with
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your day-to-day? Often my liberal friends are liberal on paper but in practice are living out
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conservative values. Like they are married, they have kids and so if we talk about their feelings
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about certain things okay maybe they're more liberal but at the end of the day our lives look
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pretty similar so it doesn't really matter. I think it would be difficult for me to have a friend
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who was liberal who was living out a totally different lifestyle. And the reason I say that
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is just because there's just not that much you have in common after a certain point. It's not that
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I can't be friends with you. It's just if you're doing something totally different than I'm doing
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all day every day there's just not so much to talk about. And so I'm happy to to like be friendly
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with you but what do we commiserate about? What do we share opinions and advice on? Not so much over time.
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So that's really the biggest thing. It's not so much about what you think but more about where
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we're both at. So I got a lot of questions and it's funny I started off with the question about
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my husband and how he reacts to the gross comments but I got a lot of questions about how do I feel
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about being sexualized online. It is what it is. Like it's nothing. It's people being stupid and people
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being gross and thinking they're funny when they're absolutely not. It's like that really annoying kid
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in class who just keeps bothering the teacher and you're just like can you stop? No one thinks you're
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funny. That's what it is. I'm like can you just stop? You're bothering the people who want to hang
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out in my comments and actually have a conversation and are here for the right reasons. You're just
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annoying and you're not funny. Like that's what it feels like. I don't care about it emotionally. It really
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doesn't affect me. It's kind of like oh you want to say a stupid thing? Congrats you did it.
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But from the perspective of they are harassing others in the comments that I don't like. I don't
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like that they're harassing my followers. I just think that's rude and inappropriate. Encouraging
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a friend who's made opposite life choices from you. High value friend. This is something I think
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is interesting. It depends what those opposite life choices are. If they are making opposite life
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choices and I think that their life makes sense for them I can encourage them. But I'm not going to
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encourage someone to make life choices that are different from mine when it's not a positive
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life choice. And you might say like how do you know what's positive for them? Because I care about
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them. Because I am their friend. I can look at the way they're reacting and responding to their
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lifestyle and say oh this doesn't look positive for you. I don't think it makes you a good friend
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to encourage or support someone in bad decision making. And I think that's a very female thing.
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It's very female to just be like you do you. You're awesome. Keep going. You're great. Like
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no matter what you do just keep doing it. And I will be there to say you are doing the right
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thing. That doesn't make you a good friend. A good friend is somebody who is willing to tell
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you when you're doing something that's not good for you. A good friend is someone who is willing
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to risk the friendship for your sake. And that's not easy to hear but it's the truth. I mean
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there are friends that are going to make poor choices and you can see it in the way that
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they're anxious or depressed or feeling down. And you are I think a better friend if you
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say let's talk about the choices you're making and let's see if we can help you make better
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ones. As opposed to just keep going girl. You'll be fine. You don't need to be anxious.
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Like how in what world is that helpful? I think that being a high value friend is looking at
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your friend's decisions with her and coming up with a plan together to say like hey let's
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get you back on track. How do I deal with co-workers who judge moms for only working a few shifts
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a month? That's a hard one. I would say disregard them in your heart. Meaning try to not let that
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permeate what you're doing because you know that your kids and your family come first.
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From a practical perspective with those co-workers just be endlessly positive about the choices
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you're making. That's what you do. If they're saying like oh my gosh you never were here. You're
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never working. You don't take your job seriously. All you have to do is be like yeah but I get to be
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with my kids. And I can see what an amazing gift that is. Like I feel really blessed that I get to do
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that. Don't put them down but raise up your own choices. And just continually show how happy you
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are for what you're doing. If they are making you feel bad or are judging your work. Just be like I
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know I can do all of my work in the time that I'm here and at home I get to really focus on my kids.
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I find that it's really easy to be negative about what other people are doing rather than positive
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about your own choices. And instead flip that. Be positive about what you've decided to do. And
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what are people going to do? Fight with you? I mean they can but if you continually just show how happy
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you are and proud of yourself you are that you've made these choices I think that people will kind
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of back off. Fave brands to shop from. Brands and stores I would say are kind of the places I shop
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from. So Amazon, TJ Maxx, Target. Those would be my three places that I really go shopping. And then
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everything else is like a one-off or a gift. Since being a mother have any opinions you held before
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having kids changed? Hmm that's a good question. So something that I hear all the time which I
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really hate is the concept of I was a better mother before I had kids. And people say that in
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the context of like oh I said my kids would never throw food on the floor. And I said that my kids
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would never cry in public. And I said my kids were never gonna have a tantrum. I hate that. I don't
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think it's true. And I'll tell you why. Because I never said that I wouldn't allow my children to do
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natural kid things. Like I never believed that I was never gonna have kids who cried or threw tantrums
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or like did any of that. But after becoming a mom I became so much more intent about following up
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reading books and like doing research to find answers to the things that I was coming up against.
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So I became a better mom after I had kids. I wanted to improve constantly. And I wanted to
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understand why my children were doing this and doing that. And how I could get different reactions
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and improve my relationship with them. And get them to be better as they grew. Like I wanted to be a
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better mom. And they inspired me to do that. I think often people say like I was a better mom before
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I had kids. Because they want to justify that they don't have that intentionality. And now their kids
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are a problem. And they are like so confused. What am I supposed to do? You're supposed to look it up.
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You're supposed to ask friends. Ask family. Get wisdom from your mom. Research online. Like search on
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Instagram. I get a lot of answers from Instagram. And I find that I've become a better mom after I had
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kids. Because I look for answers. I don't just assume well this is how things are. And deal with
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it. Like when my son started having a bout of the terrible twos. I could have just said well I was a
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better mom before I had kids. Because I would have never thought he would act like this. But instead
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of saying just that. And then leaving it be. And allowing my son to spiral into the terrible twos.
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I did a ton of research about like how can I help him. How can I understand him better. And I think
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that that has been a huge improvement. Like he has not acted negatively since I incorporated that
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stuff. So what has changed after becoming a mom? I've become a better mom since having kids.
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What advice do you give to teens who want to become stay-at-home moms? The truth is I give this
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advice across the board. Do research into jobs that are part-time. Or that are something you can
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enter. Step away from for a long time. And then re-enter. So you can't guarantee right when you're
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going to get married. And when you're going to have kids. Find something that you enjoy for the moment.
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But that if you were to take 20-25 years off. That you could re-enter the workforce. And it
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wouldn't hurt your resume. And before you get married. And before you have kids. You are still doing
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something you enjoy. So for example nursing. Nursing is like the perfect example. Being a nurse
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is a really good option. Because it can be something you're passionate about. You can be really good at
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it. And then you can take off time to have a family and be a stay-at-home mom before you go back into
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work when your kids are grown. So I think that that's a really good way to approach working. And not
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just saying okay well I'm never going to get a job. Because you may need a job between the time you
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graduate high school. And get married. So during that time find something that you like. That is
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flexible. And that could transition into being a stay-at-home mom. And out of being a stay-at-home
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mom. Do you take it really easy on Sundays? I think that's a cool tradition. For us Saturday is Sabbath.
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So that's our community day. And then Sunday is our family day. So that's the day we like to go out
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and do things together as a family. And we just love that. Okay we're back. This is a very long video.
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And it got cut off in the middle. So let's keep going. How did you and your husband know it was
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the right time to have another baby? We want to have a big family. My first I had when I was
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28. And so we are trying to have the majority of our children before you know I'm over 35.
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It's not terrible to have children over 35. But we would prefer to not have too many kids after I'm
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35. So we basically felt excited about having more kids at a certain point. And I couldn't
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ovulate while I was breastfeeding. So I basically said I want to breastfeed to a year and then we can
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start trying. So I breastfed for a year and then I got pregnant. Travel location bucket list. That's fun.
00:23:02.520
I would love to go to Greece. Santorini. I would love to go to France again. I've been to Paris.
00:23:09.640
I would love to go to the Amalfi Coast. I would love to go to spend more time in England. I was there
00:23:16.940
just a little bit. Scotland, Ireland. I would love to see parts of Spain. I would love to travel really
00:23:24.500
Europe. Like that's what I'm most interested in is the history and the beauty and art of Europe.
00:23:29.320
And also I would love to see more states in the United States because the United States is huge.
00:23:34.120
So that'd be really fun. Your views on vaccines. Hmm. I think I've talked about this before. I am pro
00:23:41.640
tried and tested vaccines. I think that there's a lot of great things that come out of vaccines.
00:23:48.340
My sons have their vaccines. I was very not comfortable with the COVID vaccine. So I did not get
00:23:54.060
it. My sons do not have it. My husband does not have it. None of us got the COVID vaccine. We weren't
00:23:58.480
comfortable with the COVID vaccine. And I am really grateful we did not get it. What is your
00:24:02.700
favorite movie or at least a top five? Man, there's a lot. Lord of the Rings. You've got mail.
00:24:10.900
Gone with the Wind. Hmm. Gotta think of a musical. Gotta think of a musical. Oh,
00:24:16.080
Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. That's four. We'll just, we'll do that for now. But there's,
00:24:19.440
oh my gosh, I love movies. I love movies and I love reviewing movies.
00:24:22.760
How was transition from one baby to two? Expecting number two and starting to feel nervous about it
00:24:28.600
all. Oh, I was so nervous about the transition to two. Seriously. I remember crying even in the
00:24:34.580
hospital because after I had the baby, my son was with my parents and I was like all nervous and
00:24:41.980
anxious that my second son was going to feel unloved because I really had never been away from him.
00:24:47.180
And we were, we were away while I gave birth and I was like, oh my God, the transition has been
00:24:52.200
amazing. Like so, so good. Before you have your second, I recommend reading the book Siblings
00:24:57.920
Without Rivalry. I talked about that in my last video. It really helped us a lot. And one of the
00:25:03.200
things that we were really intent on was we didn't want our son to meet the baby in the hospital
00:25:08.000
because I felt like that would be confusing. Like he meets the baby in the hospital and then he goes
00:25:12.160
home and doesn't really understand that the baby's coming home. So it's like, okay, here's a baby.
00:25:17.180
And now the baby's in our house. I just wanted the only meeting to be in the house where it's
00:25:22.300
like, okay, we brought the baby home and the baby is staying. I think that really helped. And also
00:25:27.240
I've read a number of places that the mom should not be holding the new baby. You should keep your
00:25:34.260
arms free and open for your whole older child so that they don't feel replaced immediately. It's like,
00:25:40.420
oh, the baby's over here and he's in the family now, but I'm still mommy's baby. And that was also
00:25:45.960
something. We called the baby your baby. Like we told my son it was his baby. And I called my older
00:25:52.240
son my baby all the time. I never said, you're a big boy now. I never said like, you're older and
00:25:57.620
this is the baby. They were both my babies. I think that all of that together worked so beautifully for
00:26:03.760
the transition and they love each other so much. And it's really never been a huge problem. Like
00:26:09.400
there's never been any jealousy. And I remember just recently I said to my older son, like, oh,
00:26:13.360
we're going to go on a date, just you and me. And he was like, where's the baby? Why aren't we
00:26:17.460
bringing the baby? And I just thought that was the sweetest thing ever that he wanted the baby to come
00:26:22.800
with him. So it's going to be wonderful. The first three months in the same way that having a newborn
00:26:27.840
is hard, it's hard to do it with an older child because you're just not on a schedule yet and your
00:26:31.700
older child is on a schedule. So you're just like trying to manage time is hard. But once you come out
00:26:36.300
of that first three months, it's really smooth sailing. Like the two of them are going to love each
00:26:41.520
other when you approach it the right way. And then the first three months are a little tricky
00:26:46.160
because you're just trying to get into the swing. But after you're in the swing of things, it's
00:26:49.820
great. Okay, so the last question is, do you have other hobbies you don't typically mention? And I feel
00:26:57.500
like I have a lot of hobbies. I like writing. I like writing stories. I haven't done it in a while,
00:27:02.340
but I do like writing a lot. I like drawing. I like sewing. I do like weightlifting. I wouldn't call
00:27:07.720
it a hobby, but it's something that I do. I like interior design. We just redesigned our whole house
00:27:13.580
and that was really fun. Like I love interior design actually. And I like event planning. I
00:27:20.040
like planning parties. So yeah, that's the kind of stuff that I really like to do. And those are my
00:27:24.700
hobbies. So that is it for today. I hope you guys enjoyed today's video. Let me know your thoughts in
00:27:29.700
the comments below. And I would love to know if I answered your question. So make sure to leave that
00:27:33.940
in the comments. And if you watched all the way till the end of today's video, leave a question mark
00:27:38.620
emoji. That's an emoji, right? Thank you guys so much for watching and I'll see you guys in my next video.