Dale Partridge - Real Christianity #57： Can Compatibility Affect Your Marriage？

00:00:00.100 Welcome to Real Christianity. Today we are talking about... 0.85

00:00:04.280 Can compatibility affect your marriage?

00:00:06.140 So this idea of compatibility, we are going to just discuss.

00:00:11.400 There's been tons of articles on the internet about,

00:00:14.520 are me and my boyfriend compatible?

00:00:17.500 Or how do we predict compatibility in our marriage success?

00:00:22.820 Or what makes a marriage compatible?

00:00:25.040 um you know there's like these scientific formulas about you remember that tv show we watched a long

00:00:31.980 time ago that like had you didn't get to see your spouse and they did based off these like

00:00:36.000 personality assessments and like character yeah what was it called like i forgot what it was

00:00:41.920 90 day fiance or something crazy like that yeah i don't know something weird but it was this idea

00:00:46.700 that we're going to scientifically produce a compatible mate for you and so this idea of

00:00:53.560 compatibility is very popular and it's very alive in culture. So we're going to dive into that from

00:00:58.640 a biblical perspective shortly, and I think you'll learn that compatibility and the Bible's perspective

00:01:05.400 is a myth. But we'll dive into that shortly. I want to mention real quick, if you're a regular

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00:01:20.960 and I do read them.

00:01:22.260 I read every single one of them.

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00:01:42.120 you want to see the video of this episode,

00:01:45.200 whatever it is,

00:01:45.860 you can always do that at relearnchurch.org forward slash listen.

00:01:49.860 And the last thing that I want to mention is that, guys, I've been talking about this for a while.

00:01:54.500 We are getting the Ultimate Marriage Program, our Marriage Mentor Program.

00:01:58.400 It's a six-week program for small groups and for individuals, and it is just about done.

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00:02:23.680 Okay, I'll let Veronica open us up today.

00:02:27.000 Yeah, so, you know, Dale touched on these compatibility tests and articles all over the internet.

00:02:32.260 But today, we generally, if you're a regular listener, we generally embed scripture into our lessons.

00:02:38.160 You'll know that.

00:02:38.820 But for this episode in particular, we're going to be referencing the general theology of Christian marriage that can be found in Genesis chapters 2 and 3 and Ephesians 5 verses 22 through 33.

00:02:50.740 And so we want to go ahead and encourage you guys to read those passages of scripture with an intent to fully understand the text because they are crucial for building a biblical marriage.

00:03:03.260 So in light of these passages, Dale's going to go ahead and jump in.

00:03:08.080 yeah so what i think what veronica is really saying is that we're just not going to have so

00:03:11.780 much like verse verse here break down verse yeah it's really we want you guys to read those passages

00:03:17.920 genesis 1 and 2 and ephesians chapter 5 22 through 33 it's just really great it's like

00:03:23.240 if you're married and you don't know those passages what marriage is to be man that's

00:03:27.820 where you got to start all right so um the bible's clear uh your marriage my marriage

00:03:35.140 our marriage, um, is a mirror of the gospel. And, um, that's an important fact. And this idea is

00:03:42.700 clearly explained in Ephesians chapter five, again, 22 through 33, you got to read that passage and

00:03:48.020 you'll really understand that our marriages are a mirror to the gospel. Husbands are to be like

00:03:52.840 Christ in the way that, uh, he loves, uh, the church. Um, and wives are to be like the church

00:04:00.760 in the way that they honor and respect Christ.

00:04:03.460 And so there's this kind of symbiotic relationship

00:04:05.680 of Christ loving the church,

00:04:07.280 and that's how husbands are called to love their wives,

00:04:09.380 and wives respecting and honoring and following their husbands

00:04:12.040 the way that the church follows Christ.

00:04:13.720 That's kind of that thing that you see in Scripture.

00:04:16.560 In other words, really human marriage,

00:04:19.500 this marriage thing that we have that God created,

00:04:23.000 is the earthly image of God's divine plan for humanity.

00:04:26.560 It is a mirror of the gospel.

00:04:29.300 So, yeah, some of you guys might be wondering when you hear Dale say this, well, why?

00:04:33.440 Why does God do this?

00:04:34.880 And I think it's because that God knows that we as humans have finite minds and that we need the power of symbolism to gain understanding.

00:04:44.180 He's literally placed a symbol of the gospel all around us, everywhere.

00:04:47.660 And every married couple is, in some way, a glimpse of his design for salvation.

00:04:53.020 and for those who are married he's given us a way to truly experience

00:04:57.760 God's or the gospel's sacrificial love order and most of all unity and I've

00:05:05.400 emphasized unity because God in the Old Testament and Jesus in the New Testament

00:05:09.660 affirm that the goal of marriage is to become one flesh yeah so just imagine

00:05:15.220 this picture you're walking around in downtown and you see all these married

00:05:19.140 couples. I mean, literally God has embedded the gospel into the earth in terms of just a symbolism

00:05:26.300 element, right? A mirror to it, a parallel to it. You get a chance to see, oh, look, like this is

00:05:31.960 what it is. It's all around us. And again, why? Because we're finite and we need symbolism to

00:05:37.660 gain understanding. And then, you know, you and I know as married folks, we get a chance to experience

00:05:43.640 that gospel relationship um you understand what it means to be the church and following christ

00:05:49.600 because it's your call to be a role as a wife to a husband and i get to understand what it means to

00:05:55.460 sacrifice and love my wife as christ loves the church because so we're literally experiencing

00:06:00.840 this gospel narrative in our marriage and so um you know in view of two people becoming one flesh

00:06:08.440 which again i think is the goal of marriage right that the two should become one i want to discuss

00:06:13.140 the idea of compatibility. And over the years, you know, Veronica, we've seen so many couples

00:06:18.340 that use the idea of compatibility or incompatibility as a reason for their conflicts

00:06:25.200 or even a justification for the divorce. We're just incompatible, right? And just this past week,

00:06:31.600 there's a popular Christian author. I should say even he's publicly denied the faith at this point,

00:06:38.240 so I would even say that he's an ex-Christian, has left the faith. Joshua Harris, he actually

00:06:42.980 announced his divorce on social media and it was all over the news Fox News had covered it

00:06:46.900 and he used phrases in his Instagram post that were again I think pretty popular to the culture

00:06:53.520 as a reason for their divorce he says you know we've changed over the years

00:06:59.380 and quote we're different people now and quote we're going in different directions and I think

00:07:07.220 this follows kind of the same line of thinking as we're no longer compatible you know that kind

00:07:12.480 of idea is I think pretty popular in divorce culture and uh and it's it's I would say an

00:07:18.300 excuse that we use in in the church and outside of the church quite often and I think it's important

00:07:22.820 that we discuss that today yeah so in this episode Dale and I are gonna speak to the idea of

00:07:28.700 incompatibility in marriage um and replace this what is wrong way of thinking um with the truth

00:07:36.500 found in the bible yeah so I want to break you guys break this idea down for you um through the

00:07:42.240 lens of, again, biblical Christian theology and the theology of marriage. And so to start, I just

00:07:48.940 want to speak to the desire to have things in common with one another. You know, there are many

00:07:54.400 areas in life that we can find common ground with our spouse. You know, we like to say movies. We

00:08:01.340 like to go outdoors. You know, we have similar interests and hobbies, whatever that might be.

00:08:05.420 That's kind of this desire for common ground. And those things are good things. I'm not going to

00:08:08.700 that those are bad things that's generally what attracts people to one another totally yeah it's

00:08:13.060 the very beginning the the the one area though uh that we do for sure every couple every husband

00:08:19.840 and wife that we do have in common um is that we're both selfish and we're both sinful that's

00:08:25.920 for sure okay so if you're looking for common ground i promise you that every marriage has 0.90

00:08:31.140 common ground in the fact that you guys are both sinners and that you're both selfish and romans

00:08:35.560 3 23 says for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God all of us there's none righteous

00:08:40.360 no not one that's what the scripture says and so because of this we are all incompatible okay I

00:08:48.080 just want to get that out there real quick every marriage because of the our fallen nature is

00:08:53.040 incompatible our kind of very broken state which is against self-focused and sin-focused that's

00:09:01.900 what the fall has done to us, self-focused and sin-focused. It actually prevents us from having

00:09:07.240 complete compatibility in our marriage. It really does. And what this means is there's no such thing

00:09:15.200 as an intrinsically compatible marriage. All these scientific, you know, formulas trying to create

00:09:21.360 these compatible personalities, it doesn't exist. It will never fully exist because we are not

00:09:26.640 compatible because we're fallen it's a flaw it's a flawed uh desire because it has an impossible

00:09:34.560 outcome okay so i want to say that just again compatibility is flawed it's a flawed desire

00:09:41.680 because it has an impossible outcome you can't be fully compatible uh with your spouse and we're

00:09:50.380 going to talk later in this episode veronica is going to share what the definition of compatibility 0.89

00:09:54.740 really is. But I want to give you guys some hope. There is one thing that we can have in common as

00:10:03.920 Christian couples that will allow us, even in our flesh and our fallen state, to find unity in the

00:10:10.940 midst of any marital situation, circumstance, or trial, and that's Christ. Okay, when a husband

00:10:17.900 and a wife have Christ

00:10:20.720 in common, they can share

00:10:22.780 in no other similarities and have

00:10:24.800 a thriving, unified marriage.

00:10:27.620 Okay, I'm going to say that again because

00:10:28.660 I want you guys really to hear that.

00:10:30.860 When a husband and a wife

00:10:32.680 have Christ in common, 1.00

00:10:35.020 they can share no other

00:10:36.880 similarities and have a thriving,

00:10:39.520 unified marriage.

00:10:42.120 Okay,

00:10:42.760 and we got to stop looking

00:10:44.580 to earthly commonalities.

00:10:46.360 to solve our need for common ground and unity.

00:10:50.940 Oh, you know, he likes the same music as me,

00:10:53.420 he likes the same movies as me,

00:10:54.440 he likes the same business as me,

00:10:55.340 or whatever you're looking for.

00:10:57.820 That's not what we should be looking for.

00:11:00.220 And I say this with all seriousness,

00:11:02.000 Veronica and I really don't have much in common.

00:11:04.460 Okay, I think it's actually a unique part of our story.

00:11:08.280 We don't have much in common.

00:11:10.040 But our love for Christ,

00:11:12.300 which we do have in common,

00:11:13.860 uh and our marriage which i believe is anchored in scripture

00:11:18.760 has allowed us to fully satisfy our need and our desire for unity and we can only do that through

00:11:28.420 him yeah i think it's important to kind of highlight and point out what dill said because

00:11:36.200 um i think people look to our marriage and imagine that we just have everything in common

00:11:41.820 and we don't struggle, um, that we don't struggle to harmonize.

00:11:45.240 And that's just not the case.

00:11:47.520 Um, and like Dale said, yeah, to be honest, we have to work very, very hard to find anything

00:11:53.980 that we both enjoy.

00:11:55.300 Um, but in Christ, we can submit our needs and desires to one another in an effort to

00:12:00.640 fall deeper in love and to understand the unifying gospel relationship between Christ

00:12:05.680 and his church.

00:12:06.400 um i know a lot of times people often write us on social media and say well i i didn't grow up

00:12:13.020 in a christian home or i didn't have godly biblical examples and neither did we um we had

00:12:19.360 to learn this we started from scratch and so um another point i wanted to highlight is uh the

00:12:26.400 difference between compatibility and complementary the definition of compatibility is two things

00:12:34.440 which are able to exist without conflict yeah like just say that again so that's that's the

00:12:40.660 definition of compatibility yeah the definition of compatibility is two things which are able

00:12:45.460 to exist without conflict yeah and i think this is this is so when people hear that like people

00:12:51.360 this is so badly what people want yeah um we want a spouse who does everything that we want

00:12:56.340 and will never bring opposing views or behaviors um but in all honesty that's just kind of a

00:13:03.780 ridiculous goal and it's unattainable um especially in our in our fallen state um but i want to

00:13:10.640 contrast the definition of compatibility with the definition of complementary um as we see in

00:13:16.160 genesis chapters 1 and 2 god creates complementary pairs such as light and dark heaven and earth

00:13:22.960 land and sea man and woman we've touched on this a few times before on other podcasts

00:13:26.840 the word complimentary means an element that completes or brings another to perfection

00:13:34.240 read that again because that's just so good an element that completes or brings another

00:13:40.160 to perfection that's awesome yeah and i think i think this is a more accurate goal for marriage

00:13:46.400 we're called to complement one another according to god's scripture for marriage

00:13:52.520 So your imperfect spouse actually teaches you the sacrificial love of Christ.

00:13:59.380 Yeah, like the imperfectness of each other is actually what kind of sanctifies each other.

00:14:04.880 It gives us an opportunity.

00:14:07.020 You know, Paul Washer said this really great quote.

00:14:10.340 It's worth writing down.

00:14:11.660 We've shared it on the Ultimate Marriage Instagram before.

00:14:14.780 It's how would you ever learn unconditional love if you were married to someone who met all your conditions?

00:14:21.960 and so yeah you'll never learn it you'll never understand the sacrificial love of the gospel

00:14:28.580 um if your wife or husband met every desire you have for perfect compatibility right life without

00:14:36.580 conflict is that idea and then you have this i think again that the complementarianism perspective

00:14:43.640 is so much healthier i look to veronica as as a part of together we can become unified in

00:14:49.620 and kind of bringing ourselves to wholeness in Christ.

00:14:53.560 And I think in some ways, our desire for compatibility,

00:14:57.340 again, which is no conflict.

00:14:59.080 That's our desire, our human desire.

00:15:00.180 I don't want any conflict.

00:15:01.200 That's why all those formulas,

00:15:03.320 those scientific formulas exist

00:15:04.440 because they're looking, searching for,

00:15:06.100 I want the marriage with the least conflict.

00:15:08.260 Yeah, they just want it to be all fun and enjoyable

00:15:10.460 all the time, no challenge whatsoever.

00:15:13.420 Like how is a marriage to grow without those things?

00:15:16.340 Yeah, it's pretty much saying, I want to stay the same.

00:15:18.340 I don't want anybody that's going to make me change, right?

00:15:22.180 And so, again, our desire for compatibility is what I think like a manifestation of our desire for God and for a restored creation.

00:15:32.420 Like we desire perfect peace and harmony.

00:15:36.640 And, you know, C.S. Lewis shares this really cool idea that we can only yearn for things that exist.

00:15:43.080 And in other words, he's saying that we cannot yearn for something that doesn't exist.

00:15:46.340 Try to yearn for something that doesn't exist.

00:15:48.180 You can't do it. The stomach yearns for food because food exists, right? Men and women yearn

00:15:56.240 for sexual relationships because sexual relationships do exist. The heart yearns

00:16:01.180 for companionship because companionship exists. The sick yearns for health because health does

00:16:05.620 exist. The logic actually can be applied here to God, right? The soul yearns for God because God

00:16:15.280 must exist. And if you really don't believe that there's a, I would say, a universal yearning for

00:16:21.140 God and the things of God, I want you to listen to the words of the Greek philosopher Plutarch.

00:16:28.700 And I really, this is just a fascinating quote. He says, if we traverse the world, it is possible

00:16:35.360 to find cities without walls, without letters, without kings, without wealth, without coin,

00:16:39.780 without schools and theaters, but a city without a temple

00:16:43.180 or that practiceth not worship, prayer, and the like

00:16:47.420 no one has ever seen. And the idea is that he's just

00:16:51.560 recognizing the universal desire of the human for God

00:16:55.400 and for his ways. And, you know, we yearn

00:16:59.900 for perfect peace and harmony and compatibility.

00:17:03.280 That's what we yearn for. That's why so many people want it.

00:17:06.680 and we yearn for those things because peace and harmony and compatibility

00:17:11.000 they do exist just not in this fallen world

00:17:15.100 not in the fallen state and Romans 8 23

00:17:19.220 kind of captures this idea a bit it says but we

00:17:23.140 also who have the first fruits of the spirit Christians

00:17:27.100 is what he's saying even we ourselves grown

00:17:31.100 within ourselves eagerly waiting for the adoption

00:17:34.300 the redemption of our bodies and it's saying that man there are things that we want that are

00:17:40.620 heavenly that are that are after that are eternal that are not temporary like this world we want

00:17:47.400 those things and compatibility is one of those things we want perfect peace and harmony and all

00:17:52.660 those things we yearn for those things because they do exist in christ and um you know we want

00:18:00.080 a restored world. We want a restored body. We want that perfect

00:18:03.920 relationship with our spouse. And for now, we have Christ

00:18:07.700 who is sufficient. We're kind of partially

00:18:11.300 firstfruits. We're sealed. We have a promised future.

00:18:16.140 But we're still, again, as Paul would kind of say, dragging around this

00:18:19.760 corpse, this fallen flesh with us. And

00:18:23.800 you know, in him, in Christ, we can find that

00:18:27.640 common ground and fellowship in marriage and in him we can quench that desire for compatibility

00:18:34.860 and replace it with unity and and this desire to become one flesh and the focus that the lord is

00:18:42.500 using our marriage to sanctify us to become more like him and so ultimately i guess to kind of

00:18:49.780 close out this podcast which is i think a little short but it's okay ultimately a marriage is never

00:18:55.500 incompatible that's a bad way to view it the goal should never be compatibility because again the

00:19:02.020 view the outcome is impossible when people say they have an incompatible marriage what they're

00:19:08.960 really saying is that we're just not willing to grow we're just not willing to conform to

00:19:17.300 and transform to christ's demands and commands on our lives and how we should be viewing the spouse

00:19:25.120 through the lens of scripture, through the lens of God.

00:19:28.980 And so let's be careful when we say that our marriage is incompatible.

00:19:34.160 I believe that Christians, if you have the common ground of Christ,

00:19:38.900 you can marry anybody.

00:19:40.640 I believe that you can make those things work.

00:19:43.900 And so if you have a friend who's struggling with compatibility,

00:19:49.160 the idea of maybe they're getting ready for divorce,

00:19:52.140 you know maybe they're having lots of conflict consider sharing this podcast I think it might

00:19:58.180 help shed some light on the perspective that they should have that if we just be like Christ

00:20:04.080 we won't have those conflicts you know there's that quote that we always say on the show that's

00:20:09.380 from our mentors you can't argue with a humble person and when there's conflict it's usually

00:20:16.400 just a lack of humility and two prideful people and so my hope is that this podcast becomes a tool

00:20:22.220 and uh edification for those that are struggling in their marriage so on that note um i guess we'll

00:20:29.540 close with just a couple of those announcements real quick um i'm finished my new book real

00:20:35.160 christianity is done it's getting ready to to come out this september if you want to be a part of our

00:20:42.180 launch team for that book. We'd love to have you. We're looking for some people to read it,

00:20:47.960 to review it, just to be a part of marketing it and sharing it. It's a short book. You can read

00:20:53.840 it in like an hour, hour and 15 minutes. You can be a part of that team if you just go to

00:20:59.120 relearnchurch.org forward slash launch. And again, if you want to be a part of our Ultimate Marriage

00:21:04.700 program that's going to open enrollment here soon, ultimatemarriage.com forward slash notify.

00:21:09.640 and then the last thing is if you want the show notes to the show any points watch the video

00:21:14.700 you can always do that at relearnchurch.org forward slash listen okay on that note thank

00:21:22.260 you guys for joining us today and we'll see you guys next wednesday see ya take care

Dale Partridge - August 07, 2019

Real Christianity #57： Can Compatibility Affect Your Marriage？

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