Dale Partridge - Ultimate Marriage #11： Our 4-Part Process For Fighting, Forgiving, and Forgetting

00:00:00.000 Hey everyone, welcome to Ultimate Marriage. Today we're going to be talking about

00:00:12.920 how we fight, forgive, and forget. So, fun conversation today, and I am excited to talk

00:00:20.840 about it. I think it's a common need in the church today. Some expectations before we

00:00:26.040 get started. One is I'm not feeling super great. And why you need to know that, I don't know. But

00:00:32.200 if you're watching us, I guess that makes more sense because we have this on a YouTube channel.

00:00:36.880 You can watch this on YouTube or you can also listen to them as a podcast. But yeah, we've

00:00:41.540 been walking through trials as you guys have all seen and heard on social media. And last week we

00:00:45.800 had an issue at a kidney stone and this week my stomach's hurting and we're trying to make

00:00:51.560 progress there is veronica's feeling better um from her ailments and things mostly yeah mostly

00:00:56.800 yeah so um so that's good but um a couple things before we get jumping in um if you guys are a

00:01:03.480 regular listener to the show or if it's your first time would you be willing to leave a review

00:01:08.780 on itunes all you have to do is just in your app literally just click the stars you don't even need

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00:01:18.660 to read them. Um, we read every single one of them, but if you just tap the stars on how much

00:01:23.500 you rate the show, that'd be great. Um, and, uh, what else? Oh, and a couple of things, my book

00:01:30.260 save from success. If you are watching the video, you'll see it right here. I have a copy in my hand.

00:01:36.700 Um, it is on sale last week on Amazon and, uh, it's only $8 for the hardcover copy,

00:01:44.800 which is a big deal because it's regularly $16, and it's actually supposed to be $19.99.

00:01:49.500 So if you get a chance to pick it up, I talk about a lot of the things.

00:01:53.200 We talk about marriage.

00:01:53.880 We talk about children.

00:01:54.460 We talk about family.

00:01:55.800 We talk about freedom, all from a biblical perspective, and it's a short book.

00:01:59.560 It'll only take you an hour to two hours to read.

00:02:02.160 It's very short, and so I just wanted to share that with you guys.

00:02:06.620 Veronica's listened to it.

00:02:08.080 Yes, I listened to it on audio.

00:02:09.840 It made me cry.

00:02:10.800 Oh, I don't know if I knew that.

00:02:12.760 the other thing is a lot of you guys are asking how you can support our ministry

00:02:19.240 in terms of donation and we actually had one couple emails this morning asking how we could

00:02:27.280 how they could give to support other people's marriage coaching sessions with us we for our

00:02:34.620 ultimate marriage program we do some kind of emergency coaching for some of those folks

00:02:39.060 who are in dire straits and we we charge for that and this couple wanted to offer money or a

00:02:49.140 kind of a what's it called when you get a scholarship oh okay yeah a scholarship for that

00:02:54.400 so if you guys are interested in supporting our ministry ultimate marriage right now is currently

00:02:59.660 not a non-profit but our other ministry relearn church is relearnchurch.org if you want to support

00:03:06.120 of ministry, and it does help because we are in the thick of ministry, and we would use that money

00:03:11.800 towards ministry efforts. You can go to relearnchurch.org forward slash donate, and that's a spot

00:03:18.140 for those of you that have been asking for us, and again, we're just super blessed by that, and

00:03:22.860 we would have usage for that on making sure that we get the Word of God out, making sure that we're

00:03:28.000 helping couples and other marriages save them from divorce. That's kind of the big thing that

00:03:32.900 we're trying to help with um what are we talking about today how we fight forgive and forget

00:03:40.000 so just give us your veronica just give us your experience of of you know the fight life

00:03:46.980 oh man where do i begin i'm just kidding we know nothing about this um all right on a serious note

00:03:54.520 um the first two and a half to three years of our marriage especially the first two

00:03:59.840 were just a nightmare we fought tooth and nail like crazy yell at the top of our lungs whoever

00:04:08.260 can get the loudest one i guess and uh we would threaten divorce we would leave the house i would

00:04:15.500 i would leave get in the car and take off for a couple of hours not tell you where i was and

00:04:20.480 oh man it was it was a nightmare and i and i was really bad at holding grudges too

00:04:25.980 like not just like for the rest of the night like for days yeah yeah and um you know so a couple

00:04:32.920 things guys you know we have a four-step process that we follow now that is a i think a biblical

00:04:39.240 process we'll talk about that here in a little bit we want to share that with you on how we fight

00:04:43.760 right i guess would be able to say that um so a couple things disagreements and discussions are

00:04:49.220 very normal in a marriage fighting is sinful so if you guys fight a lot you're sinning a lot

00:04:55.000 Okay, that's just a real reality is that a fight is sinful and we want to Christian marriage should not be having a fighting marriage and fighting really occurs when there's at least one but generally two prideful people in the room.

00:05:10.500 And I'm going to actually say two because you can't argue with a humble person and a lot of people think that fear is the enemy of love.

00:05:17.500 I believe that pride is the enemy of love or at least one of the enemies of love and pride is the.

00:05:25.000 core heart of of a marital fight and um so yeah we're going to talk about the uh the way that we

00:05:35.280 fight and the way that we actually don't even fight the way that we have a disagreement

00:05:41.860 disagreement yeah that's and come to a conclusion yeah so yeah today we rarely fight we don't fight

00:05:49.180 pretty much at all i mean it very rarely does something like that come up um but it's literally

00:05:54.740 like nothing compared to how it used to be when we first got married and so what

00:05:59.000 Dale and I do is we try and follow this four-step process that is rooted in

00:06:04.100 Scripture to get to a conclusion to become unified again and to have peace

00:06:11.840 in our marriage again yeah and people this is a thing that I think that a lot

00:06:15.520 of the people in the church need I mean I think Christian couples are really good

00:06:19.120 in the publicity department I mean that they can actually put on kind of like an 0.96

00:06:22.980 academy award-winning level you know performance that everything's good over here and we're okay

00:06:28.880 when we get home we fight like cats and dogs but hey you know on the internet and at church we're

00:06:35.140 good but the reality is is that uh god marriage is in turmoil your marriage is turmoil and and

00:06:42.240 just because people don't see it god does see it and so uh let's talk about a few scriptures

00:06:46.720 that are important for the conversation uh about fighting these are just precursor scriptures

00:06:52.780 that we're going to mention that I think set the foundation

00:06:55.540 for a proper discussion, debate, argument in a marriage.

00:06:59.860 Yeah, they're good scriptures to know when you're, like you said,

00:07:03.640 about to enter into this type of conversation.

00:07:06.440 Yeah, so 1 Corinthians 13, 4 through 7.

00:07:10.180 It says,

00:07:10.700 Love suffers long and is kind.

00:07:13.760 Love does not envy.

00:07:14.500 Love does not parade itself, does not puffed up,

00:07:16.740 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked.

00:07:20.020 that word provoked or there means is not easily offended

00:07:23.060 thinks no evil

00:07:25.100 doesn't believe the worst in a person

00:07:27.640 is what that's saying

00:07:28.280 does not rejoice in iniquity but rejoices in the truth

00:07:30.620 it bears all things it believes all things

00:07:32.760 so we don't think that someone's lying to us

00:07:35.040 when they say they're not

00:07:35.840 hopes all things and endures all things

00:07:38.220 it endures all things

00:07:40.180 that is the biblical definition of love

00:07:43.040 and

00:07:43.860 I want you guys to just have that in consideration

00:07:47.180 as we talk today

00:07:48.580 Philippians 2, 3-4

00:07:50.340 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit

00:07:53.280 but in humility count others

00:07:54.540 could be your spouse

00:07:55.900 more significant than yourself

00:07:57.820 Let each one of you look not only to his own interests

00:08:01.260 but also the interests of others

00:08:02.920 So when you have a discussion

00:08:05.020 you need to be looking to the interest of your spouse

00:08:06.860 In reality

00:08:08.880 God expects us to value

00:08:11.040 the outcome of the argument

00:08:12.960 for our spouse

00:08:14.540 more than the one

00:08:17.340 than the outcome for ourselves, meaning that we should be looking at growth. We should be hoping

00:08:22.320 for unity, for their emotions, their heart. And, you know, we have to realize that we're not having

00:08:30.560 a conversation with a problem. We're having a conversation with a person. And, and we can't

00:08:35.800 fight, if we fight just against the problem, we could just wound that person really badly.

00:08:39.600 And if you just realize that you're talking to a person, you need to treat them as Christ would

00:08:42.820 treat them it's just a really important process that that has helped us find restoration is just

00:08:49.580 having a biblical mindset on fighting and so we're going to talk about our our four-point process of

00:08:57.300 how we fight which means for us is have a discussion have a discussion yeah because we

00:09:03.240 don't really fight anymore but you can apply this on top of if you guys get into fight mode like it's

00:09:08.300 fight night so yeah there but there was a transition we didn't just like go from fighting

00:09:12.320 like cats and dogs to not fighting at all it was learning this process and like getting mad and

00:09:17.880 angry and wanting to fight and then having self-control and controlling ourselves and

00:09:21.660 you know just yeah carrying out the conversation um in a much more healthy manner yeah totally so

00:09:28.960 um our first step that dale and i usually well always um start with is the offended spouse gets

00:09:37.460 to speak first. So that's, you know, tally point number one. And in Matthew 18, 15, it says,

00:09:45.360 if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he

00:09:50.080 listens to you, you have gained your brother. So first, what I will do is I'll go up to Dale and

00:09:56.140 instead of just spewing out my offense, I'll let him know that, hey, there's something that I'd

00:10:02.720 like to discuss with you. And typically he knows what that means. Like it's, it's not usually like,

00:10:07.460 unicorns and dandelions it's okay we need a discussion needs to be had yes and um and so

00:10:14.480 we'll set up a time to get together to have that discussion we're not going to have it right then

00:10:19.400 and there especially if there's going to be tension or frustration um right about to go to

00:10:24.980 dinner or we have friends coming over or our kids are in the room yeah um not that we haven't had

00:10:29.620 these discussions in front of our kids because we have in a healthy manner we're not yelling at each

00:10:33.700 other. Um, but we'll set up a time typically in the evening after her kids go to bed. Um,

00:10:40.380 and so what, like going back to that scripture, I'm going to go straight to Dale once we are at

00:10:47.800 that time. Yeah. She's not going to go tell her friends. I'm not going to go to my friends. I'm

00:10:51.440 not going to go to my mentor. I'm not going to go to his mentor to have his mentor call him and

00:10:55.780 correct his behavior. She's done before in the early years. I've done that before. Yes. That

00:10:59.960 was a long time ago and i don't do that anymore it was bad and and um but that was again like in

00:11:05.020 the first couple years of marriage yeah and so yeah don't go to anybody else go to the person

00:11:10.040 who has offended the offended you first yep and so once we're at that schedule time i'll go ahead

00:11:15.980 and do that um and a rule that we stick to which is i think where a lot of couples can really

00:11:23.700 struggle i know we used to really struggle with this it kind of just snowballs is people start

00:11:27.640 to bring in other offenses and other things well you always do this and you always do this and

00:11:31.320 um so our role is to stick to the issue don't bring in past offenses don't bring up um other

00:11:39.260 people's flaws it's stick to the issue um and yeah that's been focused on that point yeah it really

00:11:47.860 is if you're bringing up past offenses you know it says in first corinthians 13 that love keeps

00:11:52.580 no record. Are you keeping a record of offenses? If you are, that's sinful. Well, and if you're

00:11:58.380 keeping a record of offenses, then you never really forgave them in the first place. Exactly.

00:12:02.020 It's resentment and bitterness, which we'll talk about in a little bit. And so we don't do that.

00:12:07.240 Mature Christian couples, biblical couples do not do that. And again, we used to be this way. 0.71

00:12:13.540 So just know we are speaking from walking outside of these boundaries, outside of these.

00:12:19.400 And we still fail when we do this here.

00:12:22.460 Not that often.

00:12:23.800 I do believe that we can look you in the eye and say, follow our example.

00:12:28.620 So we're not hypocrites in saying this, but it is hard.

00:12:32.040 And so we're empathetic to that process of how hard it is.

00:12:34.620 It takes a lot of self-control.

00:12:36.060 Yeah.

00:12:36.400 So step one is to the offended spouse gets to speak first.

00:12:41.100 Step two is the offended, the offending spouse gets to humbly respond or repent.

00:12:48.660 Those are your options, okay?

00:12:50.200 You get to respond if it's a illegitimate accusation.

00:12:54.260 You get to respond with, you know, some sort of, well, let me explain, actually.

00:13:00.040 Let me bring some clarity to your curiosity or to your criticism that you brought here.

00:13:05.540 If it's legit, then it's time for repentance, and we'll talk about that.

00:13:12.400 The word humble is really important in this.

00:13:14.860 I've eaten so much humble pie, guys.

00:13:17.240 My stomach hurts because I've eaten so much humble pie.

00:13:19.080 That's what's going on.

00:13:19.900 I think we both have.

00:13:20.580 Yeah, I've had to literally, in our house church, stand up and repent to the entire church because of my behavior before.

00:13:28.100 I've had to apologize and repent to Veronica.

00:13:30.980 Like, I know what it means to be humble.

00:13:34.080 Not that I'm a professionally humble man.

00:13:36.520 But the reality is, is I understand how painful that is to our flesh, to walk in the spirit and do something humble.

00:13:42.300 and that quote that we say on the show a lot,

00:13:45.140 it's from the guy that disciples me, Matt Jacobson,

00:13:48.860 is you can't argue with a humble person.

00:13:52.160 Just remember that.

00:13:53.680 So Proverbs 9, I'm going to read this real quick.

00:13:56.800 It says, rebuke a wise man and he will love you for it, 0.98

00:14:00.980 but a fool despises correction. 0.96

00:14:04.260 A godly, wise man or woman appreciates being corrected. 0.99

00:14:09.580 it's the fastest way to a healthy marriage if there's something wrong if your spouse if you're

00:14:16.600 one and unified with your spouse and there's something hurting them you should be ready and

00:14:21.200 excited to correct that so that you can be one again you shouldn't want to be divided and that's

00:14:29.320 that's so just again remember that rebuke a wise man and he's going to love you for it that's

00:14:33.100 wisdom right there proverbs 15 1 i'm gonna give you another proverb here it says a soft answer

00:14:38.040 turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger um what do you want to say on that i'm just i've

00:14:44.540 had this one memorized before i mean it's i'm a little rusty but yeah i'm in our personality

00:14:52.460 traits i'm definitely more likely to get angry easier than you do i'm get flustered easier than

00:14:59.260 you so i've had that had to have that scripture memorized not only just for our marriage but even

00:15:04.720 in parenting yeah harsh answer turns away a soft answer yeah so yeah just being very just tone of

00:15:13.840 your voice control yourself um you know i'm looking at my notes here there's a massive difference also

00:15:20.020 i want to say between being apologetic and being repentant an apology means i'm sorry being

00:15:26.520 repentant means that i'm changing my behavior there's that quote that says the best apology

00:15:30.160 is change behavior um that's repentance okay repentance means the word literally means to

00:15:36.320 turn from or to turn away from means that you're no longer going to behave that way

00:15:40.820 yeah i think it's actually both because i can tend to um if i've offended you or i've done

00:15:47.580 something wrong even if i know i did like spoke to the kids too harshly i'm better i'm pretty

00:15:52.840 good at being like okay well i just won't do that again and just try and make it better from there

00:15:57.080 where I actually haven't repented yet. Sure. Like to them. Yes. And so when I humble myself

00:16:02.580 and apologize for my actions to your face or to the kids, which I did that earlier today, I

00:16:09.180 thought on Ari's case about doing or about yelling. And, uh, she was like, Oh no, that 1.00

00:16:14.820 wasn't me. It was honor. And their voices sound so much alike. And I turned the corner and it was

00:16:18.880 honor. Um, and so I had to apologize to her. I'm like, I'm so sorry. I thought that was you anyway.

00:16:24.060 um so acknowledging it and repenting for it they both need to happen yeah yeah and we got to

00:16:31.920 remember that christianity is about dying it's a it's a faith of self-denial jesus says to pick

00:16:39.300 up your cross monthly no he says to pick up your cross daily and you know we have to you know the

00:16:46.480 cross is the instrument that destroys your flesh it literally kills your flesh aw tozer says

00:16:53.760 allow the cross to do its deadly work in your life. 0.57

00:16:57.480 That's important.

00:16:58.540 Allow it. 0.99

00:16:59.100 Allow it to kill off your flesh.

00:17:01.520 Paul says in 1 Corinthians, I think it's 9,

00:17:04.740 he says, I discipline my body, my flesh,

00:17:07.920 is what he's saying, and make it my slave.

00:17:10.960 He puts his flesh into subjection of his spirit,

00:17:15.380 and it requires that in a fight.

00:17:17.180 It requires that in an argument, in a discussion.

00:17:20.140 It's I'm going to walk in the spirit,

00:17:21.820 and I will not fulfill the desires of the flesh.

00:17:23.340 That's what it says in James.

00:17:25.400 And so that's a part of it.

00:17:27.060 And Veronica's going to talk about the defensiveness part of it because that's another thing.

00:17:32.360 I've struggled with defensiveness.

00:17:33.720 It's hard.

00:17:34.020 Yeah, like if there's an issue that I want to approach Dale with and you're instantly defensive every time,

00:17:41.440 it makes me afraid to bring up any type of correction or offense to you.

00:17:47.820 Yeah.

00:17:49.040 Because you're constantly defensive.

00:17:51.300 I can't even get a word out.

00:17:53.500 I've trained her to believe that when you bring something, I'm going to fight back.

00:18:00.900 Yes, instead of just at least hearing me out.

00:18:03.520 You're not that way anymore, but we've grown through that.

00:18:08.600 And every now and then, we can struggle with it.

00:18:11.100 But for the most part, you're definitely ready to listen now.

00:18:15.540 Yeah, defensiveness is a declaration that you're not wanting to grow or not willing to grow.

00:18:19.400 That's just how I've always defined it.

00:18:20.900 And so be careful with that.

00:18:24.240 It's also a sign of pridefulness.

00:18:26.180 It is.

00:18:26.620 Absolutely.

00:18:27.960 So point number three.

00:18:29.160 Point number three, the offended spouse gets to forgive.

00:18:34.120 Veronica is going to take this.

00:18:35.900 No, I'm kidding.

00:18:37.380 Veronica and I have struggled with this conversation about forgiveness for a long time.

00:18:41.960 It's just, it's hard to do.

00:18:43.840 Veronica can speak to her own experience with this.

00:18:46.360 She was in a home where she didn't see forgiveness modeled a lot.

00:18:50.900 um very rarely if ever yeah i think you know i can probably count on one hand the amount of times

00:18:58.340 um i would see someone asking for forgiveness in my house as a child yeah so it's it's something

00:19:06.020 that we've been trained by our experience and um just because that happened to us doesn't mean

00:19:10.660 that we get to behave like that we get to be sanctified in the word of truth just like everybody

00:19:14.880 else. So Matthew 6, 15 says, but if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your

00:19:20.960 father forgive your trespasses. This is the words of Jesus. That scripture should scare you. How

00:19:28.300 many unforgiven people are in heaven? Zero. None. And so don't mess around with that scripture.

00:19:38.280 You can have theological gymnastics around that, but C.S. Lewis and myself would come to the same

00:19:44.680 conclusion. I've studied what he said about this specific scripture. But if you don't forgive men

00:19:49.360 their trespasses, neither will your father forgive you. And so if you want to not forgive your spouse,

00:19:55.000 you're dancing in the danger zone, at the very least, of your eternal security. It's a scary

00:20:02.660 thing. And sure, there's a fantastic argument, I'm sure, against what I'm saying. But the reality is

00:20:09.620 there are two pretty prominent camps in theology on this, and one of them is filled with great

00:20:15.720 theologians and makes the same case as I do. So be very, very careful with that scripture,

00:20:20.240 to say the least. Ephesians 4.32, Paul says, he also says this in Colossians,

00:20:25.800 and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God and Christ

00:20:29.880 forgave you. We forgive our spouse because we've been forgiven. You know, withholding forgiveness

00:20:38.460 is denying your own need to be forgiven.

00:20:40.800 We forget how much we've been forgiven

00:20:44.000 when we refuse to forgive our spouse.

00:20:49.580 And it's, be sober about this. 1.00

00:20:53.380 You're gross, you're vile, you're wicked. 1.00

00:20:56.680 You were forgiven. 1.00

00:20:58.000 You were a sinner, now you're a saint.

00:21:00.680 You now have access to heaven.

00:21:03.040 You know how you are reconciled with God the Father

00:21:05.720 through Jesus Christ.

00:21:06.660 Jesus died for you for that.

00:21:08.460 you've been forgiven and given so much grace,

00:21:12.600 like you can't even comprehend it.

00:21:15.340 And then you're going to not forgive this one small trespass.

00:21:20.180 There is a parable about this that you can read about Jesus

00:21:23.360 talking about the parable of the debtor and the king forgiving his debt.

00:21:27.800 And then he goes and asks the people that owe him a little bit of money

00:21:31.400 and puts him in jail.

00:21:32.840 And you need to read that parable if you're struggling with that.

00:21:38.460 Hebrews 12 15 tells us to not let a root of bitterness rise up in us that root will bear

00:21:45.480 fruit what kind of fruit bad fruit bad fruit not good fruit um and then also how much does God

00:21:54.040 think about your sin after you've been forgiven yeah or after you've repented yeah uh he doesn't

00:22:00.160 think about it at all yeah it's as if it never happened yeah he wipes the slate clean yeah we're

00:22:04.980 white as snow as far as the east is from the west bottom of the ocean floor these

00:22:09.540 are the the scriptures that talk about that when someone repents that's where

00:22:13.740 the sin and the memory of it goes yeah so if you want to be like Christ then to

00:22:19.180 forgive means to forget it really does which is why I brought up earlier in the

00:22:24.640 middle of an argument you do not bring up past offenses if they were worked

00:22:29.100 through and they were repented of and asked for forgiveness and they the words

00:22:33.600 I forgive you have been spoken then they have now been forgotten yeah and it's it's advertising

00:22:40.840 your own unwillingness to forgive is what what that that record keeping is um yeah and this

00:22:49.520 doesn't mean that life stays the same um there might be new boundaries because of sin if there

00:22:56.100 you know if there was infidelity or something something like that um this is for the benefit

00:23:00.920 of building back trust and not for the resentment of sin. Yeah. So you can, just because you've

00:23:07.760 forgiven, you forgot about it, it's gone. It doesn't mean it doesn't change the life or the

00:23:12.400 relationship going forward, but you're not putting up changes that are for resentment

00:23:16.840 and for protection. You're putting them for the benefit of building trust back because there was

00:23:23.940 something lost and it needs to be brought back. You are not having a divine relationship with

00:23:29.100 your spouse but you are to model that divine relationship so i think that that does give some

00:23:33.840 some clear boundaries for you there um so our last step step number four number four both of

00:23:41.100 you get to pray with each other it's the hardest part so a fight is not over until both of you pray

00:23:48.420 with one another yeah and um we did this a few days ago like last week and we had a conversation

00:23:56.420 and yeah about yeah we gotta we gotta pray with one another and um are you willing to so when this

00:24:03.560 if there's if you've been forgiven and a lot of people are really good at verbalizing oh yeah

00:24:08.440 you're i can't forgive you but deep down it's like hurting still um the praying together is

00:24:14.680 the authentication of that forgiveness because it really authenticates like was this real are you

00:24:22.580 actually forgiven and so um and we both pray i'll start i'll initiate the praying i believe this is

00:24:30.280 the husband's job and um you know outside of sex i think that praying together is probably one of

00:24:36.520 the most intimate things you can do with your spouse um and so uh caring for one another so

00:24:42.740 yeah and then veronica will pray with us and i mean how does that feel as a wife you know when

00:24:47.080 that's on that journey i think it shows me um yeah you care about restoration and unity in our

00:24:57.600 marriage um it's also hard for me um just because i am naturally more of like the heated one i need

00:25:06.480 more time to get over it but but it forces me also to humble myself and to look at the grace

00:25:16.620 has been extended to me that Christ has extended to me um like you mentioned earlier yeah remembering

00:25:23.640 how much you've been forgiven it is it's one of those moments because you have an encounter with

00:25:27.680 God when you do that um so a few additional rules that we're going to just kind of throw on top of

00:25:33.500 this right now um is I'm going to start with this one because it goes best with point number four

00:25:39.260 if you can um and you're married have sex and the reason is because that's the truest i think sign

00:25:47.580 of restoration even more than prayer i mean i think you should pray for sure but if you can

00:25:52.900 have sex it is actually a a surefire sign that you have been unified representation of restoring

00:26:01.540 unity yeah and um and so that that is another way that you know you can be fully back into

00:26:09.020 a unified relationship with one another. Um, a note I wrote down here is that if you can't walk

00:26:14.520 in the spirit, then ask to walk away. So if you guys get into your anger mode and it's fight night

00:26:19.980 at nine o'clock at your house, um, if you can't walk in the spirit, then ask to walk away. And

00:26:26.140 we've done this before. Yeah. And I would actually say, um, if you are going to take that step to

00:26:31.200 ask to walk away, give yourself a timeframe, 20 minutes, 15 minutes, don't walk away and not

00:26:37.920 return or without a time yeah giving like yeah don't let the sun go down on your anger like you

00:26:43.220 need to come together and still have that conversation give yourself 10 15 minutes to

00:26:47.660 cool off um but make sure you come back after that yeah and that's what i tell people who call me

00:26:54.100 if they're having a fight in their marriage because you know we're i'm a pastor at a at our

00:26:58.700 house church and um yeah if we get a call about that kind of stuff we go we'll just take 15 20

00:27:05.380 minutes and walk away and then come back and try again and remember these things um and so the

00:27:11.620 other thing never fight in front of your children you can discuss in front of your children you can

00:27:15.160 argue even gently in front of your children but so that you can show what biblical restoration

00:27:21.460 and reconciliation looks like but don't fight in front of your kids yeah no yelling no you want to

00:27:28.600 just throwing a tantrum yeah you want to destroy your child's heart do that you know um one of the

00:27:33.580 quotes that i love is uh is you know your your relationship with your spouse might be the only

00:27:39.580 marriage book that your children ever read and don't make them hate god's design for marriage

00:27:45.040 because you walked in an immature manner um and um the last thing i'm going to say is if there's

00:27:53.320 conflict currently in your marriage like right now if you guys aren't like totally unified

00:27:59.260 i'm going to put the responsibility on the husbands to go and seek out it wasn't the church that

00:28:06.460 sought out christ it was christ that sought out the church and we are to be modeling that that

00:28:10.500 relationship so i i'm encouraging you men who are listening if you're not totally good with your

00:28:15.120 wife right now it's your job tonight to go and start the reconciliation process and try this

00:28:22.280 try our four steps out it works for us i believe it's biblically backed and hopefully that'll help

00:28:27.540 um so that's that's our teaching time for today um we're going to talk about some questions we

00:28:33.300 have two i think really good questions that we're going to answer we answer two questions at the

00:28:36.780 end of the show and uh hopefully that'll kind of help you guys uh on your journey walking out

00:28:42.240 biblical christianity all righty question number one how important is it really to have a marriage

00:28:48.180 mentor I'm letting you take it oh great I don't think it's like absolutely necessary there are

00:29:00.980 people out there that have healthy marriages and never had a marriage mentor but I will tell you

00:29:05.240 that the day Dylan I got a marriage mentor our marriage turned around yeah in a huge way yeah

00:29:11.160 it was so yeah we got had this two and a half to three really rough years two years were the worst

00:29:16.620 that last third year was kind of getting better and then year four was no yeah year four year

00:29:24.840 four to like eight yes year four was when we met our marriage mentors yep and completely turned

00:29:33.200 around yeah it's changed our life in terms of just having a biblical perspective uh a a disinterested

00:29:39.840 third party um now meaning that they're not like vying for one side right they're for our

00:29:46.420 unity yes they're for both of us yeah not for just me or just you um but and so yeah i would

00:29:52.860 just highly recommend it if you can find a biblical married couple um to mentor you do it

00:30:00.480 i mean what's what's the harm in it yeah and and you know there's a difference i think between

00:30:05.740 i'm just to do a vocabulary thing here is that the difference between mentor and discipler

00:30:10.100 I think that these people are our mentors or are they discipled us they really did there's a

00:30:17.600 difference I think mentoring is is kind of got a business sense to it where discipling is like

00:30:23.560 they're fathering us and mothering us the way that a biblical father and a biblical mother

00:30:28.820 is to do that and we have kind of I guess um eradicated this way of walking out of the church

00:30:37.660 in a big way there's we're not pairing up older couples with younger couples or older believers

00:30:42.420 with younger believers this was very commonplace in the early church there was discipleship

00:30:46.960 happening it is part of the great commission um go therefore make disciples of all nations

00:30:51.820 baptize in the name of the father the holy spirit teaching them to obey teaching them to obey all

00:30:57.460 that i have taught you or that i've commanded to you so it's that's the process of the great

00:31:01.240 commission in Matthew 28 to do that. And so, um, we, we, we really do seek it out. It's hard to

00:31:09.060 find, sadly. Um, if you could find it, it is a game changer, in my opinion, to have someone

00:31:14.280 discipling you towards Christ, towards the word of God, and who is more mature than you and can

00:31:20.240 walk you, walk you through those things. So. Great. Question number two, is it a husband's

00:31:26.720 job to teach his wife scripture or should she be zealous in her own walk and seek clarification

00:31:31.460 and expounding from him? Yeah, both. So yeah, Veronica seeks out scripture on her own,

00:31:39.040 but I am also her lead pastor. And if I have a question, I ask you, I don't go to Google. I don't

00:31:47.160 go ask our mentors. I don't ask a pastoral figure. I'll ask you. Yeah. And it's not that it's sinful

00:31:53.980 that she if she went to google the reality is that she wants to to follow what the scriptures

00:32:00.620 say is that if you have a question about the scriptures in first corinthians chapter 14

00:32:04.220 go ask your husband now it's talking about the church context um but the idea is that the church

00:32:11.400 is to turn to the to the savior to christ and we are to model that relationship again

00:32:15.340 so she seeks those things out now i have a thing to say to the men again to the husbands

00:32:21.300 is that if there's any other man in your life who is pouring into your wife spiritually more than

00:32:28.560 you are, you got a problem. If there's any man pouring into your children's life spiritually

00:32:34.640 more than you are, you got a problem. So the average church sermon is, say, 45 minutes,

00:32:42.080 60 minutes. That means that if your pastor is pouring more into your wife than you are,

00:32:48.160 that means that you're not even doing an hour of investment per week into your wife you should be

00:32:55.180 investing it you know at least 20 minutes a day you know just a conversation um veronica and i

00:33:02.880 the way we look at it is i talk to veronica about the bible kind of all day um or whenever i get a

00:33:08.880 chance or what this teaching or i'm you know this podcast well yeah we're in full-time ministry so

00:33:12.680 your job is preparing messages for podcasts or Mary preparing messages for

00:33:17.980 the ultimate marriage group or messages for Sunday and so you're a verbal

00:33:22.920 processor as well and so I'm I tend to be a sounding board for you and so yeah

00:33:28.660 it's just kind of all day but even outside of preparing like we still

00:33:34.160 conversations it's just our way of life we just talk about it all the time we

00:33:37.980 will the kids will do something and it sparks the thought on a scripture and

00:33:41.440 start talking about that. We also, you know, I read to the kids in the morning. Every morning,

00:33:46.820 I haven't been doing the last week because we're on vacation. But generally, most of the year,

00:33:52.920 I'm reading every morning for 10, 15 minutes in the morning. And we're talking about a lesson,

00:33:56.520 we're praying together. And I try to do just some sort of lesson with Veronica as well. I just

00:34:02.220 talk to her about certain concepts or certain stories or what's in the news or whatever it is,

00:34:06.320 just pouring into her spiritually. So it is the man's responsibility, the husband's, I should say,

00:34:11.440 responsibility to pour into his wife spiritually, um, about the word of God, wash her mind with the

00:34:18.500 water by the word is what it says in Ephesians five. Um, and, uh, yeah. And that's, that's really

00:34:25.760 the core issue of it all. So, um, we got a memory verse for you guys this week and this is a, you

00:34:31.940 guys should have this one memorized. This was a really good one. Um, we've, I've learned this a

00:34:37.500 lot practical books of the bible just read philippians i love philippians um it's one of

00:34:43.020 my favorite books of the bible um it's such an easy read very practical very applicable um all

00:34:49.400 right philippians 2 3 and 4 do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit but in humility

00:34:55.400 count others more significant than yourselves let each of you look not only to his own interest but

00:35:00.940 also to the interest of others awesome memorize that guys we need to know the word of god in order

00:35:07.820 to live out the word of god so again if you guys would be willing to leave a review they really do

00:35:12.620 help the exposure of the show they really do help them get on the charts other believers can hear

00:35:16.620 and find our podcast because of those reviews and again you guys can get watch the podcast

00:35:22.880 on the video podcast and look at all the notes we have at ultimate marriage.com just click on

00:35:27.920 the podcast page in the navigation. On that note, we'll see you guys next week. See you next time.

00:35:35.860 Thank you for joining us on this episode of Ultimate Marriage. If you're homesick for a

00:35:39.920 stronger marriage, visit our website at ultimatemarriage.com and consider enrolling in our

00:35:44.000 one-year online marriage mentor program. Also, if you're interested in learning more about

00:35:48.220 building a better marriage, follow Veronica and I on social media, where each week we share tips,

00:35:52.560 tricks, and lessons on building a biblical marriage.

00:35:57.920 Thank you.

Dale Partridge - September 19, 2018

Ultimate Marriage #11： Our 4-Part Process For Fighting, Forgiving, and Forgetting

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