Dale Partridge - September 19, 2018


Ultimate Marriage #11: Our 4-Part Process For Fighting, Forgiving, and Forgetting


Episode Stats


Length

36 minutes

Words per minute

176.77225

Word count

6,446

Sentence count

229

Harmful content

Misogyny

2

sentences flagged

Toxicity

7

sentences flagged

Hate speech

4

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, we talk about how we fight, forgive, and forget in our marriages. We also talk about the biblical process we go through in order to learn how to deal with conflict in our marriage and family.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.000 Hey everyone, welcome to Ultimate Marriage. Today we're going to be talking about
00:00:12.920 how we fight, forgive, and forget. So, fun conversation today, and I am excited to talk
00:00:20.840 about it. I think it's a common need in the church today. Some expectations before we
00:00:26.040 get started. One is I'm not feeling super great. And why you need to know that, I don't know. But
00:00:32.200 if you're watching us, I guess that makes more sense because we have this on a YouTube channel.
00:00:36.880 You can watch this on YouTube or you can also listen to them as a podcast. But yeah, we've
00:00:41.540 been walking through trials as you guys have all seen and heard on social media. And last week we
00:00:45.800 had an issue at a kidney stone and this week my stomach's hurting and we're trying to make
00:00:51.560 progress there is veronica's feeling better um from her ailments and things mostly yeah mostly
00:00:56.800 yeah so um so that's good but um a couple things before we get jumping in um if you guys are a
00:01:03.480 regular listener to the show or if it's your first time would you be willing to leave a review
00:01:08.780 on itunes all you have to do is just in your app literally just click the stars you don't even need
00:01:13.760 to leave an actual review you can i mean if you can if you do that's awesome because we'd love
00:01:18.660 to read them. Um, we read every single one of them, but if you just tap the stars on how much
00:01:23.500 you rate the show, that'd be great. Um, and, uh, what else? Oh, and a couple of things, my book
00:01:30.260 save from success. If you are watching the video, you'll see it right here. I have a copy in my hand.
00:01:36.700 Um, it is on sale last week on Amazon and, uh, it's only $8 for the hardcover copy,
00:01:44.800 which is a big deal because it's regularly $16, and it's actually supposed to be $19.99.
00:01:49.500 So if you get a chance to pick it up, I talk about a lot of the things.
00:01:53.200 We talk about marriage.
00:01:53.880 We talk about children.
00:01:54.460 We talk about family.
00:01:55.800 We talk about freedom, all from a biblical perspective, and it's a short book.
00:01:59.560 It'll only take you an hour to two hours to read.
00:02:02.160 It's very short, and so I just wanted to share that with you guys.
00:02:06.620 Veronica's listened to it.
00:02:08.080 Yes, I listened to it on audio.
00:02:09.840 It made me cry.
00:02:10.800 Oh, I don't know if I knew that.
00:02:12.760 the other thing is a lot of you guys are asking how you can support our ministry
00:02:19.240 in terms of donation and we actually had one couple emails this morning asking how we could
00:02:27.280 how they could give to support other people's marriage coaching sessions with us we for our
00:02:34.620 ultimate marriage program we do some kind of emergency coaching for some of those folks
00:02:39.060 who are in dire straits and we we charge for that and this couple wanted to offer money or a
00:02:49.140 kind of a what's it called when you get a scholarship oh okay yeah a scholarship for that
00:02:54.400 so if you guys are interested in supporting our ministry ultimate marriage right now is currently
00:02:59.660 not a non-profit but our other ministry relearn church is relearnchurch.org if you want to support
00:03:06.120 of ministry, and it does help because we are in the thick of ministry, and we would use that money
00:03:11.800 towards ministry efforts. You can go to relearnchurch.org forward slash donate, and that's a spot
00:03:18.140 for those of you that have been asking for us, and again, we're just super blessed by that, and
00:03:22.860 we would have usage for that on making sure that we get the Word of God out, making sure that we're
00:03:28.000 helping couples and other marriages save them from divorce. That's kind of the big thing that
00:03:32.900 we're trying to help with um what are we talking about today how we fight forgive and forget
00:03:40.000 so just give us your veronica just give us your experience of of you know the fight life
00:03:46.980 oh man where do i begin i'm just kidding we know nothing about this um all right on a serious note
00:03:54.520 um the first two and a half to three years of our marriage especially the first two
00:03:59.840 were just a nightmare we fought tooth and nail like crazy yell at the top of our lungs whoever
00:04:08.260 can get the loudest one i guess and uh we would threaten divorce we would leave the house i would
00:04:15.500 i would leave get in the car and take off for a couple of hours not tell you where i was and
00:04:20.480 oh man it was it was a nightmare and i and i was really bad at holding grudges too
00:04:25.980 like not just like for the rest of the night like for days yeah yeah and um you know so a couple
00:04:32.920 things guys you know we have a four-step process that we follow now that is a i think a biblical
00:04:39.240 process we'll talk about that here in a little bit we want to share that with you on how we fight
00:04:43.760 right i guess would be able to say that um so a couple things disagreements and discussions are
00:04:49.220 very normal in a marriage fighting is sinful so if you guys fight a lot you're sinning a lot
00:04:55.000 Okay, that's just a real reality is that a fight is sinful and we want to Christian marriage should not be having a fighting marriage and fighting really occurs when there's at least one but generally two prideful people in the room.
00:05:10.500 And I'm going to actually say two because you can't argue with a humble person and a lot of people think that fear is the enemy of love.
00:05:17.500 I believe that pride is the enemy of love or at least one of the enemies of love and pride is the.
00:05:25.000 core heart of of a marital fight and um so yeah we're going to talk about the uh the way that we
00:05:35.280 fight and the way that we actually don't even fight the way that we have a disagreement
00:05:41.860 disagreement yeah that's and come to a conclusion yeah so yeah today we rarely fight we don't fight
00:05:49.180 pretty much at all i mean it very rarely does something like that come up um but it's literally
00:05:54.740 like nothing compared to how it used to be when we first got married and so what
00:05:59.000 Dale and I do is we try and follow this four-step process that is rooted in
00:06:04.100 Scripture to get to a conclusion to become unified again and to have peace
00:06:11.840 in our marriage again yeah and people this is a thing that I think that a lot
00:06:15.520 of the people in the church need I mean I think Christian couples are really good
00:06:19.120 in the publicity department I mean that they can actually put on kind of like an 0.96
00:06:22.980 academy award-winning level you know performance that everything's good over here and we're okay
00:06:28.880 when we get home we fight like cats and dogs but hey you know on the internet and at church we're
00:06:35.140 good but the reality is is that uh god marriage is in turmoil your marriage is turmoil and and
00:06:42.240 just because people don't see it god does see it and so uh let's talk about a few scriptures
00:06:46.720 that are important for the conversation uh about fighting these are just precursor scriptures
00:06:52.780 that we're going to mention that I think set the foundation
00:06:55.540 for a proper discussion, debate, argument in a marriage.
00:06:59.860 Yeah, they're good scriptures to know when you're, like you said,
00:07:03.640 about to enter into this type of conversation.
00:07:06.440 Yeah, so 1 Corinthians 13, 4 through 7.
00:07:10.180 It says,
00:07:10.700 Love suffers long and is kind.
00:07:13.760 Love does not envy.
00:07:14.500 Love does not parade itself, does not puffed up,
00:07:16.740 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked.
00:07:20.020 that word provoked or there means is not easily offended
00:07:23.060 thinks no evil
00:07:25.100 doesn't believe the worst in a person
00:07:27.640 is what that's saying
00:07:28.280 does not rejoice in iniquity but rejoices in the truth
00:07:30.620 it bears all things it believes all things
00:07:32.760 so we don't think that someone's lying to us
00:07:35.040 when they say they're not
00:07:35.840 hopes all things and endures all things
00:07:38.220 it endures all things
00:07:40.180 that is the biblical definition of love
00:07:43.040 and
00:07:43.860 I want you guys to just have that in consideration
00:07:47.180 as we talk today
00:07:48.580 Philippians 2, 3-4
00:07:50.340 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit
00:07:53.280 but in humility count others
00:07:54.540 could be your spouse
00:07:55.900 more significant than yourself
00:07:57.820 Let each one of you look not only to his own interests
00:08:01.260 but also the interests of others
00:08:02.920 So when you have a discussion
00:08:05.020 you need to be looking to the interest of your spouse
00:08:06.860 In reality
00:08:08.880 God expects us to value
00:08:11.040 the outcome of the argument
00:08:12.960 for our spouse
00:08:14.540 more than the one
00:08:17.340 than the outcome for ourselves, meaning that we should be looking at growth. We should be hoping
00:08:22.320 for unity, for their emotions, their heart. And, you know, we have to realize that we're not having
00:08:30.560 a conversation with a problem. We're having a conversation with a person. And, and we can't
00:08:35.800 fight, if we fight just against the problem, we could just wound that person really badly.
00:08:39.600 And if you just realize that you're talking to a person, you need to treat them as Christ would
00:08:42.820 treat them it's just a really important process that that has helped us find restoration is just
00:08:49.580 having a biblical mindset on fighting and so we're going to talk about our our four-point process of
00:08:57.300 how we fight which means for us is have a discussion have a discussion yeah because we
00:09:03.240 don't really fight anymore but you can apply this on top of if you guys get into fight mode like it's
00:09:08.300 fight night so yeah there but there was a transition we didn't just like go from fighting
00:09:12.320 like cats and dogs to not fighting at all it was learning this process and like getting mad and
00:09:17.880 angry and wanting to fight and then having self-control and controlling ourselves and
00:09:21.660 you know just yeah carrying out the conversation um in a much more healthy manner yeah totally so
00:09:28.960 um our first step that dale and i usually well always um start with is the offended spouse gets
00:09:37.460 to speak first. So that's, you know, tally point number one. And in Matthew 18, 15, it says,
00:09:45.360 if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he
00:09:50.080 listens to you, you have gained your brother. So first, what I will do is I'll go up to Dale and
00:09:56.140 instead of just spewing out my offense, I'll let him know that, hey, there's something that I'd
00:10:02.720 like to discuss with you. And typically he knows what that means. Like it's, it's not usually like,
00:10:07.460 unicorns and dandelions it's okay we need a discussion needs to be had yes and um and so
00:10:14.480 we'll set up a time to get together to have that discussion we're not going to have it right then
00:10:19.400 and there especially if there's going to be tension or frustration um right about to go to
00:10:24.980 dinner or we have friends coming over or our kids are in the room yeah um not that we haven't had
00:10:29.620 these discussions in front of our kids because we have in a healthy manner we're not yelling at each
00:10:33.700 other. Um, but we'll set up a time typically in the evening after her kids go to bed. Um,
00:10:40.380 and so what, like going back to that scripture, I'm going to go straight to Dale once we are at
00:10:47.800 that time. Yeah. She's not going to go tell her friends. I'm not going to go to my friends. I'm
00:10:51.440 not going to go to my mentor. I'm not going to go to his mentor to have his mentor call him and
00:10:55.780 correct his behavior. She's done before in the early years. I've done that before. Yes. That
00:10:59.960 was a long time ago and i don't do that anymore it was bad and and um but that was again like in
00:11:05.020 the first couple years of marriage yeah and so yeah don't go to anybody else go to the person
00:11:10.040 who has offended the offended you first yep and so once we're at that schedule time i'll go ahead
00:11:15.980 and do that um and a rule that we stick to which is i think where a lot of couples can really
00:11:23.700 struggle i know we used to really struggle with this it kind of just snowballs is people start
00:11:27.640 to bring in other offenses and other things well you always do this and you always do this and
00:11:31.320 um so our role is to stick to the issue don't bring in past offenses don't bring up um other
00:11:39.260 people's flaws it's stick to the issue um and yeah that's been focused on that point yeah it really
00:11:47.860 is if you're bringing up past offenses you know it says in first corinthians 13 that love keeps
00:11:52.580 no record. Are you keeping a record of offenses? If you are, that's sinful. Well, and if you're
00:11:58.380 keeping a record of offenses, then you never really forgave them in the first place. Exactly.
00:12:02.020 It's resentment and bitterness, which we'll talk about in a little bit. And so we don't do that.
00:12:07.240 Mature Christian couples, biblical couples do not do that. And again, we used to be this way. 0.71
00:12:13.540 So just know we are speaking from walking outside of these boundaries, outside of these.
00:12:19.400 And we still fail when we do this here.
00:12:22.460 Not that often.
00:12:23.800 I do believe that we can look you in the eye and say, follow our example.
00:12:28.620 So we're not hypocrites in saying this, but it is hard.
00:12:32.040 And so we're empathetic to that process of how hard it is.
00:12:34.620 It takes a lot of self-control.
00:12:36.060 Yeah.
00:12:36.400 So step one is to the offended spouse gets to speak first.
00:12:41.100 Step two is the offended, the offending spouse gets to humbly respond or repent.
00:12:48.660 Those are your options, okay?
00:12:50.200 You get to respond if it's a illegitimate accusation.
00:12:54.260 You get to respond with, you know, some sort of, well, let me explain, actually.
00:13:00.040 Let me bring some clarity to your curiosity or to your criticism that you brought here.
00:13:05.540 If it's legit, then it's time for repentance, and we'll talk about that.
00:13:12.400 The word humble is really important in this.
00:13:14.860 I've eaten so much humble pie, guys.
00:13:17.240 My stomach hurts because I've eaten so much humble pie.
00:13:19.080 That's what's going on.
00:13:19.900 I think we both have.
00:13:20.580 Yeah, I've had to literally, in our house church, stand up and repent to the entire church because of my behavior before.
00:13:28.100 I've had to apologize and repent to Veronica.
00:13:30.980 Like, I know what it means to be humble.
00:13:34.080 Not that I'm a professionally humble man.
00:13:36.520 But the reality is, is I understand how painful that is to our flesh, to walk in the spirit and do something humble.
00:13:42.300 and that quote that we say on the show a lot,
00:13:45.140 it's from the guy that disciples me, Matt Jacobson,
00:13:48.860 is you can't argue with a humble person.
00:13:52.160 Just remember that.
00:13:53.680 So Proverbs 9, I'm going to read this real quick.
00:13:56.800 It says, rebuke a wise man and he will love you for it, 0.98
00:14:00.980 but a fool despises correction. 0.96
00:14:04.260 A godly, wise man or woman appreciates being corrected. 0.99
00:14:09.580 it's the fastest way to a healthy marriage if there's something wrong if your spouse if you're
00:14:16.600 one and unified with your spouse and there's something hurting them you should be ready and
00:14:21.200 excited to correct that so that you can be one again you shouldn't want to be divided and that's
00:14:29.320 that's so just again remember that rebuke a wise man and he's going to love you for it that's
00:14:33.100 wisdom right there proverbs 15 1 i'm gonna give you another proverb here it says a soft answer
00:14:38.040 turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger um what do you want to say on that i'm just i've
00:14:44.540 had this one memorized before i mean it's i'm a little rusty but yeah i'm in our personality
00:14:52.460 traits i'm definitely more likely to get angry easier than you do i'm get flustered easier than
00:14:59.260 you so i've had that had to have that scripture memorized not only just for our marriage but even
00:15:04.720 in parenting yeah harsh answer turns away a soft answer yeah so yeah just being very just tone of
00:15:13.840 your voice control yourself um you know i'm looking at my notes here there's a massive difference also
00:15:20.020 i want to say between being apologetic and being repentant an apology means i'm sorry being
00:15:26.520 repentant means that i'm changing my behavior there's that quote that says the best apology
00:15:30.160 is change behavior um that's repentance okay repentance means the word literally means to
00:15:36.320 turn from or to turn away from means that you're no longer going to behave that way
00:15:40.820 yeah i think it's actually both because i can tend to um if i've offended you or i've done
00:15:47.580 something wrong even if i know i did like spoke to the kids too harshly i'm better i'm pretty
00:15:52.840 good at being like okay well i just won't do that again and just try and make it better from there
00:15:57.080 where I actually haven't repented yet. Sure. Like to them. Yes. And so when I humble myself
00:16:02.580 and apologize for my actions to your face or to the kids, which I did that earlier today, I
00:16:09.180 thought on Ari's case about doing or about yelling. And, uh, she was like, Oh no, that 1.00
00:16:14.820 wasn't me. It was honor. And their voices sound so much alike. And I turned the corner and it was
00:16:18.880 honor. Um, and so I had to apologize to her. I'm like, I'm so sorry. I thought that was you anyway.
00:16:24.060 um so acknowledging it and repenting for it they both need to happen yeah yeah and we got to
00:16:31.920 remember that christianity is about dying it's a it's a faith of self-denial jesus says to pick
00:16:39.300 up your cross monthly no he says to pick up your cross daily and you know we have to you know the
00:16:46.480 cross is the instrument that destroys your flesh it literally kills your flesh aw tozer says
00:16:53.760 allow the cross to do its deadly work in your life. 0.57
00:16:57.480 That's important.
00:16:58.540 Allow it. 0.99
00:16:59.100 Allow it to kill off your flesh.
00:17:01.520 Paul says in 1 Corinthians, I think it's 9,
00:17:04.740 he says, I discipline my body, my flesh,
00:17:07.920 is what he's saying, and make it my slave.
00:17:10.960 He puts his flesh into subjection of his spirit,
00:17:15.380 and it requires that in a fight.
00:17:17.180 It requires that in an argument, in a discussion.
00:17:20.140 It's I'm going to walk in the spirit,
00:17:21.820 and I will not fulfill the desires of the flesh.
00:17:23.340 That's what it says in James.
00:17:25.400 And so that's a part of it.
00:17:27.060 And Veronica's going to talk about the defensiveness part of it because that's another thing.
00:17:32.360 I've struggled with defensiveness.
00:17:33.720 It's hard.
00:17:34.020 Yeah, like if there's an issue that I want to approach Dale with and you're instantly defensive every time,
00:17:41.440 it makes me afraid to bring up any type of correction or offense to you.
00:17:47.820 Yeah.
00:17:49.040 Because you're constantly defensive.
00:17:51.300 I can't even get a word out.
00:17:53.500 I've trained her to believe that when you bring something, I'm going to fight back.
00:18:00.900 Yes, instead of just at least hearing me out.
00:18:03.520 You're not that way anymore, but we've grown through that.
00:18:08.600 And every now and then, we can struggle with it.
00:18:11.100 But for the most part, you're definitely ready to listen now.
00:18:15.540 Yeah, defensiveness is a declaration that you're not wanting to grow or not willing to grow.
00:18:19.400 That's just how I've always defined it.
00:18:20.900 And so be careful with that.
00:18:24.240 It's also a sign of pridefulness.
00:18:26.180 It is.
00:18:26.620 Absolutely.
00:18:27.960 So point number three.
00:18:29.160 Point number three, the offended spouse gets to forgive.
00:18:34.120 Veronica is going to take this.
00:18:35.900 No, I'm kidding.
00:18:37.380 Veronica and I have struggled with this conversation about forgiveness for a long time.
00:18:41.960 It's just, it's hard to do.
00:18:43.840 Veronica can speak to her own experience with this.
00:18:46.360 She was in a home where she didn't see forgiveness modeled a lot.
00:18:50.900 um very rarely if ever yeah i think you know i can probably count on one hand the amount of times
00:18:58.340 um i would see someone asking for forgiveness in my house as a child yeah so it's it's something
00:19:06.020 that we've been trained by our experience and um just because that happened to us doesn't mean
00:19:10.660 that we get to behave like that we get to be sanctified in the word of truth just like everybody
00:19:14.880 else. So Matthew 6, 15 says, but if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your
00:19:20.960 father forgive your trespasses. This is the words of Jesus. That scripture should scare you. How
00:19:28.300 many unforgiven people are in heaven? Zero. None. And so don't mess around with that scripture.
00:19:38.280 You can have theological gymnastics around that, but C.S. Lewis and myself would come to the same
00:19:44.680 conclusion. I've studied what he said about this specific scripture. But if you don't forgive men
00:19:49.360 their trespasses, neither will your father forgive you. And so if you want to not forgive your spouse,
00:19:55.000 you're dancing in the danger zone, at the very least, of your eternal security. It's a scary
00:20:02.660 thing. And sure, there's a fantastic argument, I'm sure, against what I'm saying. But the reality is
00:20:09.620 there are two pretty prominent camps in theology on this, and one of them is filled with great
00:20:15.720 theologians and makes the same case as I do. So be very, very careful with that scripture,
00:20:20.240 to say the least. Ephesians 4.32, Paul says, he also says this in Colossians,
00:20:25.800 and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God and Christ
00:20:29.880 forgave you. We forgive our spouse because we've been forgiven. You know, withholding forgiveness
00:20:38.460 is denying your own need to be forgiven.
00:20:40.800 We forget how much we've been forgiven
00:20:44.000 when we refuse to forgive our spouse.
00:20:49.580 And it's, be sober about this. 1.00
00:20:53.380 You're gross, you're vile, you're wicked. 1.00
00:20:56.680 You were forgiven. 1.00
00:20:58.000 You were a sinner, now you're a saint.
00:21:00.680 You now have access to heaven.
00:21:03.040 You know how you are reconciled with God the Father
00:21:05.720 through Jesus Christ.
00:21:06.660 Jesus died for you for that.
00:21:08.460 you've been forgiven and given so much grace,
00:21:12.600 like you can't even comprehend it.
00:21:15.340 And then you're going to not forgive this one small trespass.
00:21:20.180 There is a parable about this that you can read about Jesus
00:21:23.360 talking about the parable of the debtor and the king forgiving his debt.
00:21:27.800 And then he goes and asks the people that owe him a little bit of money
00:21:31.400 and puts him in jail.
00:21:32.840 And you need to read that parable if you're struggling with that.
00:21:38.460 Hebrews 12 15 tells us to not let a root of bitterness rise up in us that root will bear
00:21:45.480 fruit what kind of fruit bad fruit bad fruit not good fruit um and then also how much does God
00:21:54.040 think about your sin after you've been forgiven yeah or after you've repented yeah uh he doesn't
00:22:00.160 think about it at all yeah it's as if it never happened yeah he wipes the slate clean yeah we're
00:22:04.980 white as snow as far as the east is from the west bottom of the ocean floor these
00:22:09.540 are the the scriptures that talk about that when someone repents that's where
00:22:13.740 the sin and the memory of it goes yeah so if you want to be like Christ then to
00:22:19.180 forgive means to forget it really does which is why I brought up earlier in the
00:22:24.640 middle of an argument you do not bring up past offenses if they were worked
00:22:29.100 through and they were repented of and asked for forgiveness and they the words
00:22:33.600 I forgive you have been spoken then they have now been forgotten yeah and it's it's advertising
00:22:40.840 your own unwillingness to forgive is what what that that record keeping is um yeah and this
00:22:49.520 doesn't mean that life stays the same um there might be new boundaries because of sin if there
00:22:56.100 you know if there was infidelity or something something like that um this is for the benefit
00:23:00.920 of building back trust and not for the resentment of sin. Yeah. So you can, just because you've
00:23:07.760 forgiven, you forgot about it, it's gone. It doesn't mean it doesn't change the life or the
00:23:12.400 relationship going forward, but you're not putting up changes that are for resentment
00:23:16.840 and for protection. You're putting them for the benefit of building trust back because there was
00:23:23.940 something lost and it needs to be brought back. You are not having a divine relationship with
00:23:29.100 your spouse but you are to model that divine relationship so i think that that does give some
00:23:33.840 some clear boundaries for you there um so our last step step number four number four both of
00:23:41.100 you get to pray with each other it's the hardest part so a fight is not over until both of you pray
00:23:48.420 with one another yeah and um we did this a few days ago like last week and we had a conversation
00:23:56.420 and yeah about yeah we gotta we gotta pray with one another and um are you willing to so when this
00:24:03.560 if there's if you've been forgiven and a lot of people are really good at verbalizing oh yeah
00:24:08.440 you're i can't forgive you but deep down it's like hurting still um the praying together is
00:24:14.680 the authentication of that forgiveness because it really authenticates like was this real are you
00:24:22.580 actually forgiven and so um and we both pray i'll start i'll initiate the praying i believe this is
00:24:30.280 the husband's job and um you know outside of sex i think that praying together is probably one of
00:24:36.520 the most intimate things you can do with your spouse um and so uh caring for one another so
00:24:42.740 yeah and then veronica will pray with us and i mean how does that feel as a wife you know when
00:24:47.080 that's on that journey i think it shows me um yeah you care about restoration and unity in our
00:24:57.600 marriage um it's also hard for me um just because i am naturally more of like the heated one i need
00:25:06.480 more time to get over it but but it forces me also to humble myself and to look at the grace
00:25:16.620 has been extended to me that Christ has extended to me um like you mentioned earlier yeah remembering
00:25:23.640 how much you've been forgiven it is it's one of those moments because you have an encounter with
00:25:27.680 God when you do that um so a few additional rules that we're going to just kind of throw on top of
00:25:33.500 this right now um is I'm going to start with this one because it goes best with point number four
00:25:39.260 if you can um and you're married have sex and the reason is because that's the truest i think sign
00:25:47.580 of restoration even more than prayer i mean i think you should pray for sure but if you can
00:25:52.900 have sex it is actually a a surefire sign that you have been unified representation of restoring
00:26:01.540 unity yeah and um and so that that is another way that you know you can be fully back into
00:26:09.020 a unified relationship with one another. Um, a note I wrote down here is that if you can't walk
00:26:14.520 in the spirit, then ask to walk away. So if you guys get into your anger mode and it's fight night
00:26:19.980 at nine o'clock at your house, um, if you can't walk in the spirit, then ask to walk away. And
00:26:26.140 we've done this before. Yeah. And I would actually say, um, if you are going to take that step to
00:26:31.200 ask to walk away, give yourself a timeframe, 20 minutes, 15 minutes, don't walk away and not
00:26:37.920 return or without a time yeah giving like yeah don't let the sun go down on your anger like you
00:26:43.220 need to come together and still have that conversation give yourself 10 15 minutes to
00:26:47.660 cool off um but make sure you come back after that yeah and that's what i tell people who call me
00:26:54.100 if they're having a fight in their marriage because you know we're i'm a pastor at a at our
00:26:58.700 house church and um yeah if we get a call about that kind of stuff we go we'll just take 15 20
00:27:05.380 minutes and walk away and then come back and try again and remember these things um and so the
00:27:11.620 other thing never fight in front of your children you can discuss in front of your children you can
00:27:15.160 argue even gently in front of your children but so that you can show what biblical restoration
00:27:21.460 and reconciliation looks like but don't fight in front of your kids yeah no yelling no you want to
00:27:28.600 just throwing a tantrum yeah you want to destroy your child's heart do that you know um one of the
00:27:33.580 quotes that i love is uh is you know your your relationship with your spouse might be the only
00:27:39.580 marriage book that your children ever read and don't make them hate god's design for marriage
00:27:45.040 because you walked in an immature manner um and um the last thing i'm going to say is if there's
00:27:53.320 conflict currently in your marriage like right now if you guys aren't like totally unified
00:27:59.260 i'm going to put the responsibility on the husbands to go and seek out it wasn't the church that
00:28:06.460 sought out christ it was christ that sought out the church and we are to be modeling that that
00:28:10.500 relationship so i i'm encouraging you men who are listening if you're not totally good with your
00:28:15.120 wife right now it's your job tonight to go and start the reconciliation process and try this
00:28:22.280 try our four steps out it works for us i believe it's biblically backed and hopefully that'll help
00:28:27.540 um so that's that's our teaching time for today um we're going to talk about some questions we
00:28:33.300 have two i think really good questions that we're going to answer we answer two questions at the
00:28:36.780 end of the show and uh hopefully that'll kind of help you guys uh on your journey walking out
00:28:42.240 biblical christianity all righty question number one how important is it really to have a marriage
00:28:48.180 mentor I'm letting you take it oh great I don't think it's like absolutely necessary there are
00:29:00.980 people out there that have healthy marriages and never had a marriage mentor but I will tell you
00:29:05.240 that the day Dylan I got a marriage mentor our marriage turned around yeah in a huge way yeah
00:29:11.160 it was so yeah we got had this two and a half to three really rough years two years were the worst
00:29:16.620 that last third year was kind of getting better and then year four was no yeah year four year
00:29:24.840 four to like eight yes year four was when we met our marriage mentors yep and completely turned
00:29:33.200 around yeah it's changed our life in terms of just having a biblical perspective uh a a disinterested
00:29:39.840 third party um now meaning that they're not like vying for one side right they're for our
00:29:46.420 unity yes they're for both of us yeah not for just me or just you um but and so yeah i would
00:29:52.860 just highly recommend it if you can find a biblical married couple um to mentor you do it
00:30:00.480 i mean what's what's the harm in it yeah and and you know there's a difference i think between
00:30:05.740 i'm just to do a vocabulary thing here is that the difference between mentor and discipler
00:30:10.100 I think that these people are our mentors or are they discipled us they really did there's a
00:30:17.600 difference I think mentoring is is kind of got a business sense to it where discipling is like
00:30:23.560 they're fathering us and mothering us the way that a biblical father and a biblical mother
00:30:28.820 is to do that and we have kind of I guess um eradicated this way of walking out of the church
00:30:37.660 in a big way there's we're not pairing up older couples with younger couples or older believers
00:30:42.420 with younger believers this was very commonplace in the early church there was discipleship
00:30:46.960 happening it is part of the great commission um go therefore make disciples of all nations
00:30:51.820 baptize in the name of the father the holy spirit teaching them to obey teaching them to obey all
00:30:57.460 that i have taught you or that i've commanded to you so it's that's the process of the great
00:31:01.240 commission in Matthew 28 to do that. And so, um, we, we, we really do seek it out. It's hard to
00:31:09.060 find, sadly. Um, if you could find it, it is a game changer, in my opinion, to have someone
00:31:14.280 discipling you towards Christ, towards the word of God, and who is more mature than you and can
00:31:20.240 walk you, walk you through those things. So. Great. Question number two, is it a husband's
00:31:26.720 job to teach his wife scripture or should she be zealous in her own walk and seek clarification
00:31:31.460 and expounding from him? Yeah, both. So yeah, Veronica seeks out scripture on her own,
00:31:39.040 but I am also her lead pastor. And if I have a question, I ask you, I don't go to Google. I don't
00:31:47.160 go ask our mentors. I don't ask a pastoral figure. I'll ask you. Yeah. And it's not that it's sinful
00:31:53.980 that she if she went to google the reality is that she wants to to follow what the scriptures
00:32:00.620 say is that if you have a question about the scriptures in first corinthians chapter 14
00:32:04.220 go ask your husband now it's talking about the church context um but the idea is that the church
00:32:11.400 is to turn to the to the savior to christ and we are to model that relationship again
00:32:15.340 so she seeks those things out now i have a thing to say to the men again to the husbands
00:32:21.300 is that if there's any other man in your life who is pouring into your wife spiritually more than
00:32:28.560 you are, you got a problem. If there's any man pouring into your children's life spiritually
00:32:34.640 more than you are, you got a problem. So the average church sermon is, say, 45 minutes,
00:32:42.080 60 minutes. That means that if your pastor is pouring more into your wife than you are,
00:32:48.160 that means that you're not even doing an hour of investment per week into your wife you should be
00:32:55.180 investing it you know at least 20 minutes a day you know just a conversation um veronica and i
00:33:02.880 the way we look at it is i talk to veronica about the bible kind of all day um or whenever i get a
00:33:08.880 chance or what this teaching or i'm you know this podcast well yeah we're in full-time ministry so
00:33:12.680 your job is preparing messages for podcasts or Mary preparing messages for
00:33:17.980 the ultimate marriage group or messages for Sunday and so you're a verbal
00:33:22.920 processor as well and so I'm I tend to be a sounding board for you and so yeah
00:33:28.660 it's just kind of all day but even outside of preparing like we still
00:33:34.160 conversations it's just our way of life we just talk about it all the time we
00:33:37.980 will the kids will do something and it sparks the thought on a scripture and
00:33:41.440 start talking about that. We also, you know, I read to the kids in the morning. Every morning,
00:33:46.820 I haven't been doing the last week because we're on vacation. But generally, most of the year,
00:33:52.920 I'm reading every morning for 10, 15 minutes in the morning. And we're talking about a lesson,
00:33:56.520 we're praying together. And I try to do just some sort of lesson with Veronica as well. I just
00:34:02.220 talk to her about certain concepts or certain stories or what's in the news or whatever it is,
00:34:06.320 just pouring into her spiritually. So it is the man's responsibility, the husband's, I should say,
00:34:11.440 responsibility to pour into his wife spiritually, um, about the word of God, wash her mind with the
00:34:18.500 water by the word is what it says in Ephesians five. Um, and, uh, yeah. And that's, that's really
00:34:25.760 the core issue of it all. So, um, we got a memory verse for you guys this week and this is a, you
00:34:31.940 guys should have this one memorized. This was a really good one. Um, we've, I've learned this a
00:34:37.500 lot practical books of the bible just read philippians i love philippians um it's one of
00:34:43.020 my favorite books of the bible um it's such an easy read very practical very applicable um all
00:34:49.400 right philippians 2 3 and 4 do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit but in humility
00:34:55.400 count others more significant than yourselves let each of you look not only to his own interest but
00:35:00.940 also to the interest of others awesome memorize that guys we need to know the word of god in order
00:35:07.820 to live out the word of god so again if you guys would be willing to leave a review they really do
00:35:12.620 help the exposure of the show they really do help them get on the charts other believers can hear
00:35:16.620 and find our podcast because of those reviews and again you guys can get watch the podcast
00:35:22.880 on the video podcast and look at all the notes we have at ultimate marriage.com just click on
00:35:27.920 the podcast page in the navigation. On that note, we'll see you guys next week. See you next time.
00:35:35.860 Thank you for joining us on this episode of Ultimate Marriage. If you're homesick for a
00:35:39.920 stronger marriage, visit our website at ultimatemarriage.com and consider enrolling in our
00:35:44.000 one-year online marriage mentor program. Also, if you're interested in learning more about
00:35:48.220 building a better marriage, follow Veronica and I on social media, where each week we share tips,
00:35:52.560 tricks, and lessons on building a biblical marriage.
00:35:57.920 Thank you.