Ultimate Marriage #13： 4 Threats To The Christian Marriage & How To Confront Them
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Summary
In this episode, we answer more of your questions about mother-in-laws, divorce, children, and sex. We discuss the Bible's perspective on these topics, as well as what the Bible says about them.
Transcript
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Welcome to Ultimate Marriage. Today we are going to be talking about
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mother-in-laws, divorce, children, and sex. Fantastic topics. Controversial topics,
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but we're going to talk about them today. Today we're going to be answering more questions. We've
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gotten so many questions sent to us that were at the point of almost not asking for questions
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anymore because we have so many good questions. We've got a lot that we can get to. And so today
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we just thought we would tackle some more questions. There used to be a show that I watched
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or I didn't watch. I listened to 10 years ago called Pastor's Perspective. I feel like I
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remember that name. Yeah, it was on K-Wave in Southern California. And I really enjoyed it
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because it was common questions with the pastor's perspective from the scriptures.
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And Chuck Smith was one of the guys that was always on the show, and I think Brian Broderson.
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But I really appreciated the answers years ago, and I thought, you know what, this is probably the same thing,
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where we have a pastor's perspective on these matters, and that's what we're going to talk about today.
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If you guys are watching us on YouTube, you might see a few moths flying in here because we can't kill them.
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I told Dale this is the reason why we can't have high ceilings.
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And I kind of like the coziness of the lower ceilings.
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But it is, yeah, there's a couple of moths in here.
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So if they're in your camera shot, you know, don't worry about it.
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And if you're listening to this as a podcast, know that we have a video version of this available for you on YouTube.
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You just search Ultimate Marriage and you'll find us there on YouTube.
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If you guys have not left a review yet on iTunes, I believe we just recently passed over a thousand reviews on iTunes.
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So if you guys would be willing, again, just to tap the stars, if you haven't left a review and you're a regular listener of the show, you don't even need to write anything.
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And it really does help the exposure of the show, the content.
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we've had so many people find us on iTunes because iTunes puts us in the algorithm because
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we have so many reviews. And so thank you for that. The last thing before we get started is
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we host a program. It's a year-long program. We're actually considering making it into a 12-week
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program instead of a 12-month program on how to build a biblical marriage. And we're in the first
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version of that now, but we are going to open up registration for another version of it in the
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beginning of next year. And so the list already has several hundred couples waiting on it,
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and there's only space for maybe 200 to 250 couples. If you're interested in going on a
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journey with us on deeper theology, deep interactions, activities, challenges,
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um reading on what it means to have a biblical marriage um go to ultimate marriage.com forward
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slash notify and just sign up with your first name email and phone number your cell phone number we
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we're not going to spam you we're literally just going to use it just to notify you via text message
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that hey registration's open um so on that note we're going to answer four questions today
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and veronica is going to start us out and uh we'll hopefully give the bible's perspective and not
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ours all righty question number one which we have gotten a lot my husband's mother is because
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is because oh my goodness sorry i always get so tongue-tied it's okay anyway question number one
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my husband's mother is coming between us and causing us to fight often what kind of boundaries
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does the bible discuss about this issue okay first how many people have we walked this out with oh
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like i feel like it's like almost every other couple yeah there's so many one in three people
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or something like i mean that's not an actual statistic but it feels like it is and it's in
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varying degrees yeah you know sometimes just like the mom that's kind of annoying the mother-in-law
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is kind of annoying then it's like the mother-in-law that we got a divorce over yeah you know which we
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Veronica is going to tackle question number two.
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So yeah, a mother-in-law coming in between husband and wife, a very common thing.
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A lot of mothers, because of a lack of emotional connection or her emotional needs not being met by her husband, they actually form what I call a parasitical love for their child.
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Meaning that they actually, because they're not getting their needs met from their husband, they begin to form this weird parasitical love, like a parasite, with their sons.
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And they look for the fulfillment that they should be getting from their husband in their sons.
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And they build this very unhealthy, she builds this very unhealthy connection with her son.
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And this is the great cause of mother-in-law problems
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because she's actually getting her husband's fulfillment through him and uh it's really
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gross and so i think a lot of you guys are probably listening shaking your heads and going
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oh my gosh that's that's us um sadly um but a couple things i want to just declare
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what the scriptures teach on the matter of parents um implementing their anything on
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married couples so on your wedding day is your wedding day is a declaration to everybody
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that the old covenant that was between you and your parents because there's a covenant relationship
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there i mean you are in a birth like god orchestrated relationship yeah god orchestrated
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relationship exactly um that's a good way to put it babe good work um thanks and
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have hopefully a healthy relationship with them yeah it has to be that though a healthy relationship
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yeah there are boundaries with that relationship while there are not boundaries inside of your
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marriage um and that's a bigger topic but i'm talking in the sense of oneness um we're not to
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have those type of boundaries different topic for a different day um don't misinterpret that
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um for my one sentence there but the um that is a declaration leaving and cleaving so that is what
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you are to do now building boundaries on it it is the husband's job to set up the boundaries
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for his family and in my opinion for even the wife's family to establish in love uh like
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or influence that's causing threat to your marriage
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is that it's oneness when, let's just say a mother-in-law insults the daughter-in-law.
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An insult to her is an insult to you because we are one flesh.
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Again, Genesis 2, we're going to talk about it again here.
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guys get down in a conversation with your parents and say if you can't respect my wife
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we can't have relationship period you can't have access to our children you can't have access to
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us until you know how to love my wife the way that you love me and vice versa for the wives
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family if that's an issue any take on that no i think that's great okay next question
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Veronica I think our marriage is suffering because of our two toddlers
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maybe we don't know how to discipline or maybe this is just normal
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any tips on parenting young children so the stress doesn't bleed into your
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understand where you're coming from but the good news is is that
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it doesn't have to be that way it doesn't have to be that way
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Um, and you know, Dale and I have got, I mean, I guess technically Ari is not a toddler anymore,
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but she's still pretty young. So we've got four and a half, two and a half and one. And so yeah,
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we're totally in toddler stage. Um, and so I think the next important thing, uh, to remember as
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believers and disciples to our children is to not get resentful of our children's behavior.
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We, um, we need to remember that they're not sinning against you. They're not sinning against
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us. They're sinning against God. Yeah. When they're disobedient, that's not, it's easy to
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become like, you can't take it personal. You can't take it personal. And we actually do this in all
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types of things. Like, you know, people, people sin and we get frustrated at their sin because it
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like affects us which you know there's some validity there but they're not sinning against
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us they're sinning against god and we need to have that context with our children right and it's
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i think that when you remember that it takes the the emotion on the parent side kind of out of it
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and you're refocused on on the heart issue yeah and so um there's so you know scripture um speaking
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directly to children in the bible and that's ephesians 6 1 children obey your parents and
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the Lord for this is right. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with
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promise that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth. So speaking to, I mean,
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and you can actually have your children memorize that. If I ask Aria, um, Aria, what's Ephesians
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six, one children obey your parents and the Lord. And so I'm like, yeah, you know, you can teach
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your kids that, um, write it on their hearts. And so just a couple, I guess, reminders and
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practical points to your question um i think one is it's like dale said it's not did you say this
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i'm not i think we touched on it is it's not about winning just their obedience it's about
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winning their heart yeah so i think what you're saying right now veronica is that you're giving
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principles because it's hard to like give direct answer to a question like this yeah but because
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it's broad it's broad yeah and so we need to give you guys just some some quick principles that have
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really helped us parent young children um and these a lot of these are tips that we've just
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gotten from our mentors yeah um and seeing them be fruitful in our life and see them be fruitful
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in their lives as well yeah and our you know a lot of our friends parent very much the same way
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and so um yeah we've just seen the fruit in our lives and their lives and so we just want to share
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a couple of those tips Veronica keeps knocking her cup on the table um another thing to remember is
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discipline is about breaking their will without breaking their spirit
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you didn't do this to me um i feel like it's pretty self-explanatory um breaking their will
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without breaking their spirit so you don't want to like lord over them and crush them
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in order to get them to obey you yeah you want them to obey you because god wants them to obey
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you yeah yeah and it's it's about getting their behavior and their heart and and it's pretty easy
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to break a child's spirit you you could exasperate a child yeah and um and when it even says father's
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just not not to do that um and so yeah i like that remember that quote guys is that um you know break
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their will but don't break their spirit yeah um another thing to remember is little children
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toddlers but young kids in general they thrive off of routine and consistency and so we need
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to set them up for success if you've got church on sunday morning don't be out till 10 o'clock
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at night saturday night at a friend's house with your kids like you're you're setting them up for
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failure. And so when they act out on Sunday morning, when you're trying to get them to
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settle down because we're at church, um, you just have to remember, did you set them up for success
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or not? And even as you're going into church, setting the expectations of, you know, just
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taking 30 seconds and saying, Hey guys, we're at church. And, um, how do we behave here? You know,
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um, what they'd know the answers. Yeah. Repeat it back to you. Yeah. What's expected. Um, you know,
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I know you guys, uh, are hungry and we're going to get a snack in a little while. So don't ask
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about that. Like, you know, you can set those kinds of expectations that you want your kids
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to win. And so routine consistency, setting expectations, I think is a good. Yeah, exactly.
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Um, one kind of rule of thumb that we go by is 90% affirmation, 10% discipline,
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which means you need to create a lot of moments of encouragement, of affirmation of success.
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again um training moments set up training opportunities so like we just got an off
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road little off-roading ranger vehicle or something something like that and um our son our middle son
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honor is obsessed with it he wants to go on a ride on that thing every minute of the day if he could
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and so if i know that honor is struggling with helping clean up the playroom i know ahead of
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time that i can use this tool um the the ranger is a training tool and i'll say okay honor let's
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clean up the toys um and you know if he cleans them up right away awesome you did so good let's
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go right let's go for a ride on the ranger yep but if he grumbles about it the whole time okay
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buddy you know what i'm sorry we're still gonna have to kind of there but we don't get to go right
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on the ranger yeah and so just set up these training moments um and but mostly try and set
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them up for success and so they they can have that feeling of winning and overly celebrate
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when they're especially when they're really young because we're talking about toddlers here
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overly celebrate like good job you did it you know like yeah like i mean valor's just entering this
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stage um well not really yet honor's old enough now but when he was younger honor go throw your
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diaper away in the trash okay so he'd walk over you know toddle over and throw his diaper in the
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trash we'd clap good job it's like this huge deal and he was just so proud of himself and now he
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just does it without even thinking about it yeah and so yeah looking for opportunities throughout
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the day because i'll tell you it's hard when you're training toddlers to come up with 90
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percent affirmation 10 it very much feels the opposite where it's like 90 discipline 10
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percent affirmation if you're not really intentional about it you'll never get there
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and if you only get 60 and 40 you know you're gonna have days like that yeah for sure so just
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work hard on that yeah have grace with yourself yeah um and then um a little phrase that we say
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that um i got out of a parenting book that i'll share with you here shortly is we obey right away
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all the way and with a happy heart. And the kids know this. Like, it's just, it's said in our house
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all the time. Right away, all the way with a happy heart. How are you supposed to obey? Right away,
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all the way with a happy heart. Yeah, and why do we, I mean, we demand that from our children
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because that's what God demands from us. When God asks us in scripture to do something,
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he wants us to do it right away, all the way, and with a happy heart. And so we don't expect
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things from our children that god doesn't expect from us we are training our children
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so that they can it's a parallel relationship ultimately they're learning how to they'll never
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be able to obey god if they don't know how to obey their parents and so you are training them
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to obey god and a disobedient child to his parents will become a disobedient adult to god
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that is very much a real thing yeah so another training tool that we use is blanket time um i
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feel like we may have touched on this before if you aren't familiar with blanket time i wrote a
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blog posts on it a long time ago, veronicapartridge.com, probably about a year ago now, but it's up
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there. I don't know, probably a few posts back. I only blog like once a year, so it's on there.
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But blanket time is, I especially have a husband that has a just typical nine to five type of job.
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He's out of the, he's out of the house for work. And when he comes home, all you've done all day
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is talk to toddlers and you're just desperate for this adult interaction, especially from your
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spouse um that's a great time to pull out the blanket hey blanket time come sit on your blanket
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kids go run together blanket or you set them set them up on the blanket throw a couple toys down
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and they're there for as long as you want them there and you can have a face-to-face conversation
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without constantly being interrupted with your husband and just talk about the day um so that's
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a good way um yeah read the article because it just talks in detail about what that what that
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looks like yeah and um and then our my two favorite parenting books i know one of them is
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dale's um dale's favorite parenting book as well as shepherding a child's heart by ted trip ted
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trip yep and then um don't make me count to three by ginger hubbard that's a really great one for
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especially if you have toddlers and practical it's very practical um really good tips really
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good um ways to ask the right questions um in probing your child's heart um and then another
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one is parenting by paul david trip and then just remember you know you say that you feel like your
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marriage is suffering because you're two toddlers all training tips aside i mean obviously try and
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implement those as much as you can but just remember your marriage is a priority you have
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to make it a priority yeah regardless of if you have toddlers and you're tired or not yeah you're
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not in a covenant relationship the way that you are in your marriage like your priority is is your
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marriage if your marriage is struggling your children are going to really struggle yeah it's
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just like part of parenting yeah part of parenting is having a healthy marriage first yep absolutely
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yeah so that's a that's a great great way to end that um that question so we're going to go
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in here to question number three. All right. So next question. It's a big one, but I have a heavy
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question. Is divorce ever justified in scripture? Okay. So I've been getting this question a lot
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and I've wanted to, I guess, discuss this question, but it takes a lot to discuss this
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question um it's hard to do in like a portion of a podcast mini teaching yeah so i'm going to give
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you just kind of the basics um the wise theologian will hold this doctrine with confidence not with
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certainty because there are you know two or three camps of interpretation by valid you know
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theologians by valid godly christian men and women um i will tell you the camp in which that i
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subscribe to because I think it is the most literal camp to scripture. I would say most
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conservative theologians would land the plane in the same camp that I'm going to discuss.
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I'm not white-knuckled over here, like where I'm like holding on to this as if like I'm completely
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right. There's a lot of conversations of vagueness around this in the scriptures, but I think that I
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can with confidence say that I do believe the scriptures are saying this, and I'm going to
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explain that. The Bible groups, the Bible groups up divorce, the conversation of divorce into three
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groups, and you see this in Matthew 19, 1 Corinthians 7, some other places, that really
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there's the marriage between the Christian and the Christian, that's one group, the marriage
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between the Christian and the non-Christian, that's the other group, and then the marriage
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between two non-Christians, and so there's three groups that marriage confronts. We're going to
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talk about the first two today, and I want to remind you guys that in Malachi 2, God declares
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that he hates divorce, so let's just preface the entire conversation with that, is that God hates
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divorce. That's a fact. It's beyond him saying that. It is generally taught through even the
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Gospels that God's not a fan of divorce. He hates it. And so, do we want to do something that God
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hates? That's a question you need to ask yourself. So, I'm going to read you what Jesus says about
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the matter. And so, if we're going to be followers of Jesus, then I think that you'd like to
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subscribed to his teaching on the matter, and I've studied this, I would say, in detail. I've taught
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on this in a sermon format at church. I've walked couples through this conversation, so I've done an
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extensive study. I've looked at the original language, the original context, and I'm going to
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give you what I've come up with. So in Matthew 19, 3 through 9, Jesus says,
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And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking,
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Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?
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He answered, Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female?
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And said, Therefore, this is he's referencing scripture.
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Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.
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What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.
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Verse 7, they said to him, why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and send her away?
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He's probably referring to Deuteronomy 4, I believe.
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In verse 8, he said to them, because of your hardness of heart, Moses allowed you to divorce your wives.
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And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife except for sexual immorality
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Okay, you've got to really spend some time studying the Scripture,
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And I would look at commentaries for this Scripture that are not modern.
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I want to know how the Church interpreted this passage of Scripture 1900 and behind.
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and because you get kind of you get to pull off the the like the the modernity of of the
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interpretation and um you get to see how did the church interpret this in the 1700s and the 1600s
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and the 1500s and the 1400s and you can go all the way back to john calvin's interpretation of
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this stuff and look at it um and i share the same interpretation as yeah spurgeon and john calvin
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and john gill and matthew henry and adam clark and some of these great guys that are out there so
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So a couple of things I want you to note as we're going through this.
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One is that, you know, the Pharisees came up to him and he answered, have you not read?
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He said to the Pharisees because he's knowing that the Pharisees have read.
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Like, do you guys not know what's going on in the scriptures, even though you say that you read them all the time?
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But this statement that he says is because of your hardness of heart, Moses allowed you.
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he made a concession. Moses made a concession because of your hardness of heart. But from the
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beginning is what Jesus says, it was not so. God did not ever want to permit divorce. It was because
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the hardness of heart that Moses allowed you, but it was not so from the beginning. And the big
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wrench that's thrown into everybody's spokes is this last line, and it's talked about in 1 Corinthians
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7 as well. Whoever divorces his wife except for sexual immorality and marries another commits
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adultery. So in the case of adultery, if you study this passage, Jesus permits divorce, but he does
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not permit remarriage. And this is talking in the case of two Christians. This is even probably more
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edified in that position if you look at 1 Corinthians chapter 7. But he doesn't, so while
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christ permits the divorce he does not permit the remarriage and while he permits it he definitely
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doesn't prefer it and he absolutely does not command it and so it is an option if you can't
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work things out for the sake of peace but it doesn't give you the right for remarriage if
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you're in a christian marriage when god hates divorce so his heart is for reconciliation
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and restoration. Yes. And so God calls us, the Lord calls us to model our marriages after
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the relationship between Christ and his bride, the church. And how many times has the church
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committed adultery on the Lord? A lot. And how many times has the Lord taken us back?
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A lot. Countless. Countless and forevermore. And so we are to model that. And that's a tough,
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thing to do. I'm not going to say that that's an easy conversation to have.
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would teach in this perspective that you're committing adultery. Now,
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does that mean that you can't be forgiven for it?
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I don't think so. I don't think that would line up with the theology of the Bible.
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I do think that you should prayerfully look at this scripture.
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And if you do feel convicted on, man, maybe I've made the wrong decision, to repent.
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Now, to ask for forgiveness, does that mean you could divorce your new spouse?
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But I do think that the Lord looks at the heart.
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And, um, I always say this, this, this quote is that where scripture is clear, God's going to
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look at our actions. Uh, where scripture is obscure, the Lord's going to look at our heart.
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And so, um, look at your heart. Now in the matter, um, I'm going to answer this last thing,
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and then we'll kind of close off this question and go to the next one. In the matter of one
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Christian spouse and one non-Christian spouse, there's a little bit of a different doctrine
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delivered in 1 Corinthians 7, and I'm going to read that scripture.
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Paul says, but to the rest, I, not the Lord say, meaning this is new revelation.
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When he says, I, not the Lord say, it means that he just said what the Lord said
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in the verses prior to that, which is about what I just said in Matthew 19.
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He referenced that passage, and he's saying, but now Jesus didn't specifically
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talk about this matter, and I'm going to give you the Lord's position on the matter. And he says,
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but to the rest, I, not the Lord, say, if any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she
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is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. And a woman who has a husband who does not
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believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband
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is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband. Otherwise,
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your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. But if the unbeliever departs, let him
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depart. A brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace.
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So I want to talk about that, but I realized I forgot one thing that I should mention.
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When it says, except for sexual immorality in the previous piece that I talked about,
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I want to mention is that if you look at that, it's talking arguably specifically about adultery.
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So if your spouse commits fornication with another person and breaks the oneness of the marriage bed,
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not like I kissed another person, not like I got caught sexting another woman.
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And so that is the permission from Jesus to divorce, but not the permission for remarriage.
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for divorce is an adultery again I just forgot to mention that so I'm going to pull back to
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what I was talking about with Paul's writing when he says this line down here at the bottom but if
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the unbeliever departs let him depart a brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases
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my interpretation of this is that if you're a believer and the spouse that's the other party
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that's not a believer and they just eventually leave you because they can't handle your
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Christian-ness and your morality or whatever. And they just, they just leave you. I don't think the
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Lord is going to force you to sit and wait for decades for them to come back. I believe what
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this passage is saying is that you are not under bondage to the wedding vows any longer.
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Now, I'm going to give you some principles on that.
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because your husband or wife is sanctified by you.
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And what that means is that they're getting a chance
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to be around the church, being around God's truth,
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And your children are holy because of that as well
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but the desire to remarry if that is the case should not be something to be taken lightly or
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quickly you should be heartbroken about the fact that your spouse has left if you're the believing
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party and even spend a season in prayer that the lord would bring them back and what a redemption
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story that would be so can't you know divorce in the church again i think that we haven't taught
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specifically what the scriptures say i think we've made a lot of compromises in this this doctrine
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but that's where a majority of the great theologians of times past have also landed on that matter
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so not like a not a light topic yeah it's heavy but good it's good to hear i've heard it several
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times before you teach on it and talk about it but every time you do teach on it it's still like
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another lesson for me a refresher so it's good to hear cool next question our last question number
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four sex is often one of the biggest stumbling blocks in a marriage the bible teaches us that
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my flesh is his flesh and his flesh is my flesh but in reality sex is complicated generally
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speaking men want sex way more than women do and rejection or one-sided sex creates scars that
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seem to make sex more difficult as a wife how should i be looking at this so when i read this
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question the first thing that comes to my mind is that we need to look at sex as a gift and a
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blessing from god and not just a duty it's not just another chore and task that you need to
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check off of your list but it's a blessing and it's a gift from god we need to treat it as such
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um and then it's also god's way and god's design for husband and wife to achieve
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ultimate connection and closeness that you can only achieve with your spouse and no one else
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yeah we've vandalized sex in this culture so badly that we've forgotten what the invention
00:34:30.520
of sex is for it's for a husband and wife to experience ultimate unity and
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that's what it is. It's a tool that the Lord has given us. It's a gift. It's a blessing.
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Sex is a blessing. It's not a duty. It's not a chore. It's not something to lord over. It's not
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something to push onto your wife. That's not what it's about. It's not about the sensuality
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that the culture has made it about. Sure, are there some sensual, exciting parts that the Lord
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has gifted us within the confines of a marriage bed? Sure. You get to enjoy the body of your
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spouse. But it's not about the sensuality. It's about the connection. It's the holy moment.
00:35:19.980
Actually, lots of theologians have come to the same conclusion that heaven, orgasm between a
00:35:30.000
husband and wife, is a metaphor for heaven. Complete unity with Christ. And God is the
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master of metaphor. And so I just think that he's teaching us that we want, you want heaven, you
00:35:45.740
want, you know, we want sex, but we don't want heaven. You know, it's amazing just some of these,
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again, parallels that the Lord draws for us. So I like that you put it that way,
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that it's not just a wifely duty because it's easy to think that right yeah
00:36:00.340
another thing I'm going to talk to the guys about
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is when a husband fulfills first Peter 3 7 I'm going to read this passage guys and pay attention
00:36:12.160
to this passage it's something that I think you should memorize if you don't have it memorized
00:36:16.120
it says husbands likewise dwell with them your wives it just got done talking to the wives
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with understanding another translation will say according to knowledge giving honor to the wife
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as to the weaker vessel and being heirs together of the grace of life that your prayers might not
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be hindered so one is that your prayers can be hindered if you don't dwell with your wife
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according to understanding god's going to say i'm going to turn my ear from your prayers if you do
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not treat my daughter appropriately is what he's saying in this passage secondly is he's saying
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giving honor to the wife as to the weaker vessel.
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The vessel, that term vessel is talking specifically about her physical body.
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And men, like light bulb moment here I'm going to give you
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is that your wife's body can't handle as much sex as your body can.
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And if you're married for any period of time, you're going to realize that.
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That's not a thing. And I'm just being, you know, vulnerable and blunt with you guys, but that's just a real thing. And we talk about real things here on this podcast and Veronica's laughing and cringing over here, but it's a real thing.
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And so you need to take consideration of your wife's body.
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And so you can't just push sex onto your wife all the time.
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That's something that you have to be able to recognize that you have to treat her gently.
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And I think that there's this expectation in a lot of men that you get to have as much sex as you want when you're married.
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And I've seen a lot of men abuse that and push their wives into sexual, physical, physical sexual territory that's ungodly.
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Well, and if a wife is feeling like her husband is loving her as Christ loved the church and is dwelling with her according to knowledge or understanding,
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if you're feeling loved in that way, it's not a drag to, like, be intimate with your husband.
00:38:28.160
Yeah, I mean, the concept that I'm trying to get across here, too,
00:38:33.080
is that the demand for frequency will never compromise your wife's comfort.
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And so if you're the guy that, yeah, wants to have sex seven days a week,
00:38:45.140
the Lord's leading in that because it is a spiritual thing.
00:38:51.340
It means that sacred, the word sacred means connected with God.
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And so you can't separate sexual activity from God.
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And so the demand for frequency is not going to compromise your wife's comfort.
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So if your wife's uncomfortable, it's because you haven't loved her in the way that she needs to be loved.
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You haven't given her the time that she needs between, you know, intimacy, whatever it might be.
00:39:16.160
But sadly, the church doesn't talk about this stuff.
00:39:18.220
um and um i want to say one last thing and you can add anything if you want to babe um but
00:39:27.820
sex is the result of oneness it's not always the path to oneness and i'm going to explain
00:39:35.780
what i mean by that meaning that um if you don't feel unified with your spouse during the day
00:39:43.580
you're not going to want sex at night, especially if you're a woman.
00:39:50.020
And again, men, if you've been married for any longer than 30 days, you're going to know that.
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But, you know, if a woman doesn't want sex the way that you want sex,
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it's because she's likely not feeling unified during the day.
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And so there's a book called Sex Begins in the Kitchen.
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And the concept of that book is this whole idea is that, you know, we were talking to our friends, the Benham brothers, about this concept is that, you know, if you want to have sex as a man, part of that journey is from the moment you wake up in the morning of, hey, loving your wife, walking in unity with her, caring for her needs.
00:41:01.040
no i think that's great i um i mean talk about talk about like the preparation remember you
00:41:07.700
know what we talked about just like being happy about that you know um yeah so if you're i mean
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i think any man or husband would likely agree at least from my conversations with you um
00:41:21.320
it's really challenging to be intimate with somebody that is mentally checked out
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yeah they're mentally not there and so if you know that time is about to come
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you know and if you're not mentally there excuse yourself go to the bathroom give yourself a little
00:41:42.860
mental pep talk freshen yourself up do whatever you got to do but pray but what i'm going to say
00:41:49.660
that you're mentally present mentally present well obviously as well as physically but i'm
00:41:55.460
to say even in the beginning of the day if you sense that your husband is doing this stuff in
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the beginning of the day like what would you say to that enjoy it right yeah like just enjoy the
00:42:05.420
fact that your husband wants to serve you and love you and that it's not that like he's trying
00:42:12.460
to earn sex but it's that you want to you want to fulfill his needs and you know um one of the
00:42:21.340
safest places for a marriage is a marriage that has sex often because if you don't have sex often
00:42:27.520
there are statistically there's more pornography there's more infidelity there's more adultery
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and so i mean you can back that up with paul talks about in first corinthians 7 like don't
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deprive one another don't deprive one another except for a time for fasting and for prayer
00:43:14.080
shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast
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God invented marriage. We don't get to reinvent it.
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00:43:36.240
And that's a really important process for us to
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Leave us a review in writing too if you want to
00:44:03.780
all the scripture that we've referenced for this show
00:44:20.840
Thank you for joining us on this episode of Ultimate Marriage.
00:44:23.700
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00:44:27.840
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00:44:31.540
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