Dale Partridge - Ultimate Marriage #23 How Christians Should Handle Holiday Family Conflict

00:00:00.000 welcome to ultimate marriage today we are talking about family conflict in the holiday season which

00:00:17.760 is a big deal i feel like this time of year right so this if you're listening to it now then it's

00:00:23.200 right before christmas but if you're listening to it way later then uh you know this is a topic

00:00:27.680 that I think comes around during the holidays more, but is still an issue all year round.

00:00:34.480 All year round. Yeah. How do you handle holiday family conflict? How do Christians do that? What

00:00:41.180 does the Bible say about that? And so we're going to hit that today. We also are going to answer a

00:00:45.860 really intense question that I think a lot of women struggle with is if you're a mother and

00:00:54.020 you have a career, how do you reconcile the two? And so we're going to hit those, some 0.99

00:01:00.260 feedback on that question at the end of the show. So stay tuned for that. A few things

00:01:06.160 before we get started. If you are listening to this on iTunes, we also have this available

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00:01:44.040 This is episode number 23 if you want to see the show notes about the episode.

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00:02:11.760 we'll read it um a couple things i want to mention also before we get started sorry i got a little

00:02:17.220 introduction here today that we don't usually have uh is if you want to read the bible in a year

00:02:24.400 we have set up a free pdf year-long bible plan for you if you just go to ultimate marriage.com

00:02:33.980 forward slash bible and veronica's doing that she's probably yeah i started this almost a year

00:02:40.540 ago now so i'm coming towards the end of it um kind of there's obviously with the trials of

00:02:46.600 that this year has held. There's been a lot of days where I haven't been able to read.

00:02:50.260 But it's the same plan that I've been doing. It's just, you know, pushed back about a year.

00:02:56.420 Yeah. So if you guys want to read the Bible, we would love for you guys to read through the

00:03:01.060 entire Bible next year. So ultimate marriage.com forward slash Bible. All right. So let's dive in

00:03:08.080 um to the conversation uh so it's we just passed thanksgiving we got

00:03:16.440 christmas new year's and then easter kind of coming around the corner valentine's day oh

00:03:23.360 and valentine's day which is our and saint patrick's day no i'm just kidding if you guys

00:03:27.680 don't know valentine's day is our anniversary and not on purpose yes i mean we getting married

00:03:36.280 was on purpose but uh not that day not necessarily it just kind of happened oh let's get married next

00:03:41.540 week okay how about next sunday okay let's do next sunday and then we realized like the night

00:03:45.880 before we realized hey tomorrow's valentine's day it's terrible for an anniversary it's everything's

00:03:52.160 more expensive never celebrate our anniversary on our anniversary yeah so okay back to what we're

00:03:56.220 talking about so uh you know for husbands and wives the holidays can be really a day or two

00:04:02.020 or season of drudgery for a husband or a wife that isn't accepted or appreciated by your extended

00:04:09.540 family or family friends? Yeah, we've seen this a lot with several of our friends who, you know,

00:04:16.020 the wife's really not accepted by the husband's family or the husband's just not respected by the

00:04:21.600 wife's family. And it just creates this conflict and tension between, well, I don't want to go to

00:04:26.400 your side of the family or we have to do this. And it just can get really stressful really fast.

00:04:32.020 And like Del said, this isn't necessarily just a holiday struggle.

00:04:35.120 This can happen all year round.

00:04:37.020 It just seems to be amplified when the holidays come around.

00:04:40.520 Yeah, and it's, you know, if this has been going on for a long time,

00:04:43.540 there could be years of woundedness that are happening.

00:04:47.880 And, you know, so, you know, as Christians, you know,

00:04:51.800 what are we supposed to do when our spouse is disrespected,

00:04:56.440 when our spouse is dishonored,

00:04:58.880 When our spouse is just kind of not accepted as part of the family or is pushed against, you know, like, how are we supposed to do that?

00:05:08.220 Do we just stop showing up to family gatherings?

00:05:10.900 You know, that's kind of what a lot of people in their flesh is want to do is to stop showing up.

00:05:15.760 Are we supposed to just keep telling our spouse just to deal with it?

00:05:19.200 Or they go and just end up leaving frustrated.

00:05:22.260 Which is what happens for most families.

00:05:24.160 Yeah.

00:05:24.820 They just pile it on, you know.

00:05:27.940 this is terrible but we just do it every year just play into the cliche that family events are

00:05:32.160 are not fun um so today we're gonna look at the scriptures we're gonna look at two

00:05:37.000 well we're gonna look at several scriptures but two main scriptures on framing up this

00:05:42.260 issue of family conflict how to handle that as a married couple and um and this is something

00:05:50.020 that we've seen in our community we actually haven't had to fully do this um in our life

00:05:55.820 kind of yeah but not much not much and but we've seen several families in our church community over

00:06:02.140 the last couple years have to do this and there's a process like a what i come down as a five-step

00:06:08.740 process on how to do this well and every time it's happened it's always been redemptive it might

00:06:15.140 take time um but but it's it's generally been redemptive um for those families that have been

00:06:21.420 a part of that so this would be something that we've just kind of come up with based off of

00:06:25.040 observation and based off of what we know of the scriptures yeah and this isn't the only way to do

00:06:29.840 it but this is a way that you should consider doing it if you're having this issue or ever do

00:06:34.800 have this issue or at least understand this because you will meet a couple that does have

00:06:39.760 this issue yeah so there are two scriptures uh that we're going to go over today and the first

00:06:45.040 one we're going to go over is genesis 2 24 therefore a man shall leave his father and his

00:06:50.500 mother and hold fast to his wife and they shall become one flesh. So this is obviously like the

00:06:56.020 cornerstone chief marriage scripture in the Bible. It's read at every wedding. Yeah, exactly, right?

00:07:01.660 And I go, what does this have to do with marriage family conflict? I think this sets the foundational

00:07:06.620 stage for this biblically. You know, when the Bible says that we leave our father and mother 0.92

00:07:13.320 and cleave to our wife, sure, it's talking to the husband at this point. I think what it's really

00:07:20.220 saying is that this is a moment of reprioritization that's really what leaving and cleaving is it's

00:07:25.660 saying oh god's saying this is a reprioritizing moment for your life that old covenant that was

00:07:32.900 between your parents and you this god-ordained family that was birthed of the lord is now

00:07:39.580 actually changing it's it's ending that old covenant and the rules that bind that covenant

00:07:45.120 obedience to your parents, etc. And now you're entering into a new divinely appointed covenant

00:07:53.220 with your spouse. And there's a reprioritization of your loyalties. Yeah, not that the family

00:08:01.360 that you came from is no longer important. They are still important. But like Dale said,

00:08:07.200 it's just a reprioritization. Yeah, they're just not as important as your spouse. And that's just

00:08:12.880 the fact people might not want to hear that but but that's how god designed it that's how god

00:08:17.880 designed it and this is really that scripture is what i i think of as the law of priority that

00:08:23.080 that's it's giving permission and actually instruction to reprioritize your life um

00:08:30.480 you know when it says uh oneness you shall become the two shall become one flesh

00:08:35.860 sure there's a reference to that becoming one flesh in sexual intimacy but it also

00:08:42.280 means like one character. I think it means one reputation. You guys are now viewed together by

00:08:48.320 the Lord as one and should be viewed that way through your community, one reputation.

00:08:56.640 And your wedding day becomes this declaration, this day, this declaration to everybody

00:09:02.400 of that old covenant passing away, this new covenant being born, and that everybody's now

00:09:10.400 on the outside looking in. And that is how the Lord designed it. And so you and your spouse

00:09:16.160 are not to be letting people into those inappropriate, intimate places of that marriage

00:09:22.240 because they're on the outside looking in. And so this means you don't choose your mother

00:09:28.160 over your spouse. You don't choose your father or your brothers or sisters or your best friends or

00:09:35.120 anybody over your spouse you you you make it a point to prioritize your spouse is you don't have

00:09:43.560 a covenant relationship with your mom you don't have a covenant relationship with your kids

00:09:48.360 you have a covenant relationship with your wife um and again i want to say a couple things

00:09:56.440 on this real quick is that when you look through the the like when you look at your marriage to

00:10:01.860 the lens of the one flesh idea that we're unified together i want you to take just a peek at the

00:10:09.960 scripture with me you know when jesus approaches saul prior to his name being changed to paul

00:10:16.080 on the road of damascus a road to damascus he reveals himself to to saul and he says saul saul

00:10:23.760 why do you persecute me and i find it interesting that he's he puts it on him yeah he didn't say

00:10:31.480 why are you persecuting my church or my people or my people he said why are you persecuting me

00:10:36.800 and you see Jesus looks at his bride the church as himself as one flesh and so he's given us our

00:10:49.540 example and so again when your wife is insulted you're insulted when your wife is disrespected

00:10:57.960 or your husband is disrespected you're disrespected um valid insults yeah yeah yeah totally um and

00:11:06.720 and we have this um you know when a family has this passive aggressive tone towards one of your

00:11:13.460 spouse or your towards your spouse that is a passive aggressive tone to you you have to actually

00:11:18.860 take that on because a disrespectful or anything just negative towards your spouse is a hit to you

00:11:27.880 as well. And I think that perspective really fixes, I guess, brings this, you know, in the

00:11:35.780 right perspective for a lot of families. And you can't allow this to happen anymore. Like you just

00:11:44.560 can't allow it. You can't allow people to disrespect your spouse or to take priority over them. And so

00:11:51.140 you need to be bold enough and strong enough to do the right thing. And the right thing is generally

00:11:56.900 the hard thing, and that means sitting down with these people, having a conversation about

00:12:01.580 resolving the conflict, addressing the issues, looking for repentance, and restoring the

00:12:06.380 relationship. And so that's the first scripture. Veronica is going to talk a little bit about the

00:12:11.080 second scripture that I think is part of this journey. Yeah, so the second scripture is going

00:12:16.540 to be Romans 12, 18. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.

00:12:23.280 so now we understand that the closeness of family relationships make managing conflict

00:12:28.680 much more difficult yeah like it's just the stakes are really high yeah yeah and it's it's hard it's

00:12:36.000 really uncomfortable but when the scripture says if it is possible that just means if it can be done

00:12:41.620 do it yeah like because it because it might not be able to be yeah sometimes it can't yeah peace

00:12:46.500 should be your desire. And God's heart is for restoration. So our heart should also be for

00:12:52.980 restoration, reconciliation in that relationship. Yeah. It's not to get bitter. You know, we've

00:12:58.260 seen so many families and couples that are just so wounded by this. It ends up in divorce. We've

00:13:03.880 seen this a few times and just recently with a friend of ours that, yeah, you know, a spouse

00:13:10.500 choosing their parents over their spouse and it led to divorce. And so don't think that this stuff

00:13:16.180 isn't serious because it absolutely is when you go years on years on years it ruins the marriage

00:13:24.460 if it's not confronted yeah and I mean I can share a little bit from our experience um when

00:13:30.360 Dale and I first got married my parents were not the biggest fan of Dale um and

00:13:38.180 one of my parents i will not say who um would not speak to dale at all they would uh completely

00:13:48.940 ignore him if we came over they wouldn't say a word to you they would look right past you

00:13:56.120 pretend like you weren't there and so um i got to a point where i had to confront them sorry

00:14:03.100 i'm talking slowly because i want to be very careful with how i present this um i got to a

00:14:08.940 point where i actually had to approach my parent and tell them when you are ignoring him and

00:14:19.460 disrespecting him and not speaking to him you are hurting me because he is my husband now

00:14:28.080 this is who i have married and he is not going anywhere yeah and so the disrespect towards him

00:14:37.540 is actually disrespect towards me and if this doesn't change if this doesn't stop if this

00:14:43.080 continues you guys are going to be seeing a lot less of me a lot less of us yeah and this is uh

00:14:52.300 you know fast forward even like after that conversation i think got a lot better a lot

00:14:57.940 better and now i mean we're fantastic i mean everything's great our families are really close

00:15:02.360 we we love having conversation with they you know we are totally unified and um and in you know

00:15:10.720 loving each other and our relationship and we're very healthy now um and so it was just a lot of

00:15:16.940 things that you know there were some issues that i was older than veronica by you know a handful of

00:15:22.000 years five years four and a half years and they struggle with that so it's just some of the other

00:15:25.780 things there was this other issue that you dated my sister i dated her sister before five years

00:15:30.620 before we started dating and so there's that there's a little bit of issue there you know

00:15:34.640 but there's there was those things that were in the way and when you i think once they realized

00:15:38.780 that i want to be a great husband to you and care for you and for our children we didn't have kids

00:15:45.640 yet um i think that's really just shown them yeah they started improving and then but once we had

00:15:52.940 kids they really started improving yeah and so it's just been it's been fun and we've we've had

00:15:58.580 a great yeah we again we have a great relationship with them now um so but continuing on the

00:16:03.240 instruction of that scripture where you know veronica just read romans 12 18 if it if it is

00:16:07.540 possible as much as it depends on you live peaceably with all men i want to talk just

00:16:12.600 for a second um it it's saying for christians to never add to the conflict like do do not you

00:16:22.780 should endeavor to keep the peace like that is you're not lashing back you're you're controlled

00:16:30.900 you're you know think about it think about jesus christ as he's just being tortured prior to the

00:16:37.680 cross. Is he yelling at these men? Is he, no, he's literally saying, Father, forgive them for

00:16:44.620 they know not what they do. I mean, this is a big issue. And, you know, if you can't control

00:16:52.060 yourself and just the passive aggressiveness, you got to just humble your heart and remember

00:16:57.600 what Christ did. A soft answer turns away wrath. Yes. Proverbs, yeah. Proverbs 15.1. That is

00:17:03.440 probably a just memorize that scripture oh i have it memorized because i'm not necessarily like a

00:17:10.120 naturally a soft person so i need to i have that one memorized yeah a soft answer turns away wrath

00:17:16.220 um but harsh words stir up anger and that's just man we've seen this before we actually at our

00:17:24.200 house church years ago um we meet at people's houses and sometimes you know there's you know

00:17:29.820 10 cars out in front of someone's house neighbor comes up gets frustrated why is all these cars

00:17:34.640 here every sunday you know if we were having a super bowl party or a football party there would

00:17:38.300 be probably no issue but because we're a church um he's getting mad and one of the elders at the

00:17:43.160 fellowship used that tactic a soft answer turns away wrath and he was just super gentle and

00:17:49.500 cordial and dealt with the issue and and said you know it just it was just a non-issue because of

00:17:55.640 that yeah the um i guess offense from that man was totally dissolved yeah put to rest so jesus

00:18:04.940 says i want to remind you guys as you're dealing with this conflict with anybody uh but especially

00:18:11.120 with your enemies or people who revile you uh jesus tells us in matthew 5 44 but i say to you

00:18:20.020 love your enemies bless those who curse you do good to those who hate you and pray for those

00:18:27.880 who spitefully use you and persecute you so just again if you're going to call yourself a christian

00:18:34.920 that's what you got to follow right there um and it's it's big boy big girl stuff it's not easy

00:18:41.220 to do but that's the instruction on uh on what we need to do so yes we have two points of reference

00:18:49.740 here, prioritize your spouse above all others. Yeah. And then labor for peace with those who

00:18:56.480 have conflict with you. Yeah. And this is something, again, just think about those two

00:19:00.760 sections, like prioritization, labor for peace, um, or peacemakers, right? That's, that's our,

00:19:08.520 our role in the world. That's one of them. Um, so we have this five-step process I want to share

00:19:14.920 with you guys. And I think this is just something that if we were to have an issue like this with

00:19:18.400 anybody this is how we would handle it as well we haven't had too many of these issues to to

00:19:22.960 confront um but again as i said we've seen people do this um and heard of people doing this yeah

00:19:29.620 when we did this with my parents this was literally like months into our marriage we

00:19:33.920 didn't even marry a year yeah it was 10 years ago within the first few months so yeah so um

00:19:38.440 i'm going to list off these processes uh and then we're going to go into a question after this i'm 0.76

00:19:44.040 sure veronica will add in but i'm going to hit these processes and then veronica is going to be

00:19:48.060 answering this question down here so um step number one i think is you know listen and empathize with

00:19:57.920 your spouse i think a lot of people just like the spouse just doesn't want to recognize that there's

00:20:04.400 a problem like we've seen this happen before or they just don't see that there's a problem and so

00:20:11.460 they think that their spouse is crazy but and they neglect but i think it's really important

00:20:16.260 to hear your spouse out yeah empathize with them and and I would even repent and apologize for

00:20:22.760 allowing the sin of insult to occur for so long so if that's you just humble yourself and go I'm

00:20:33.360 so sorry that I've allowed my mom to hurt you this way for so long and I've done nothing about it

00:20:40.960 like you are priority number one and we're going to fix this.

00:20:45.840 So that's step one.

00:20:47.520 Step number two,

00:20:49.200 identify the person or persons that are causing that and specifically or

00:20:53.380 specify the behaviors that are actually happening,

00:20:58.000 like kind of bring identification to what's really going on because it's

00:21:01.480 sometimes emotionally muddy.

00:21:04.920 Yeah.

00:21:05.360 You got to take a step back and look at it from the bigger picture point of

00:21:09.060 view.

00:21:09.440 Yeah.

00:21:09.560 Like what's really going on?

00:21:10.580 Because like the one off instance generally is hard to identify that it's insulting because it's sometimes passive aggressive or it's like, yeah, but then they did this this time and this time.

00:21:19.500 It's starting to pile up and develop a story, a narrative that there is a something deeper going on.

00:21:28.800 And so you guys together need to get get there and figure out who it is and what you're actually dealing with.

00:21:35.140 write it down reference these things out because the third step is that um you're going to take it

00:21:43.140 to them and veronica brought up matthew 18 why don't you talk about that well matthew 18 is

00:21:50.000 talking specifically about church discipline um when it's saying if if there's an offense if

00:21:57.300 there's a problem you're to go to your brother first privately yeah um so in this situation be

00:22:02.880 if your mom is insulting your 1.00

00:22:05.260 your wife or whatever

00:22:07.100 you need to go to your mom one on one so

00:22:09.040 it's go to your brother privately talk

00:22:11.160 to them about it if they don't change then you bring

00:22:13.040 two or three brothers in and

00:22:15.140 you talk to them about it they still don't change

00:22:17.360 in the scripture it says

00:22:19.300 then bring them before the church bring them before

00:22:21.160 the church and then if they still don't they still don't

00:22:23.000 then they actually kind of kicked out of the church

00:22:25.220 basically

00:22:25.700 but when we were going over this podcast

00:22:29.240 and Dale was reading some of the

00:22:31.240 notes he had taken when he talked about this i was like so matthew 18 is that what you're talking

00:22:36.360 about like that was instantly the first thing and i totally neglected that scripture so it was good

00:22:40.440 that she brought that up um so yeah so step three is to set up an in-person meeting with you two as

00:22:47.560 a couple because you're one and the person and possibly their spouse if they're married um you

00:22:53.740 know if it's your parents get a meeting in person and now i know that that seems intimidating to

00:22:58.660 confront this kind of stuff don't do it over the phone if you don't have to in person gets very

00:23:04.640 real and it's really good um to have those conversations there um and and just really a

00:23:12.600 really quick note just that just popped in my head and if you're if we're dealing with all

00:23:17.880 believers here you have to remember that if the offense is brought to them and regardless if it's

00:23:23.440 hard the lord might be doing a sanctification process in that person's heart as well yeah

00:23:27.860 yeah exactly this isn't just like a rebuke or a correction this is also the lord's work

00:23:33.360 in their life um and it could save other people from the same situation in the future yeah and

00:23:42.720 depending on your personality types you know this could be initiated generally probably by the

00:23:46.920 persons whose family has offered the offense you know if it was my mom that was being offensive to

00:23:52.420 veronica then i would go there same way how she did that with her family there if and you know

00:23:58.740 you can also have the husband lead it out in any way depending on the type of personality you guys

00:24:04.240 just get to determine who leads those things out yeah but um but you need to set up a meeting in

00:24:09.500 person and it's not about anything except these these issues there might be a bunch of other

00:24:15.840 things that you're mad at but just stick to the issue that you're here to talk about this person

00:24:21.680 is disrespectful or rude,

00:24:24.420 here are some examples.

00:24:25.940 We want to be unified and at peace with you guys.

00:24:28.460 We want reconciliation,

00:24:30.460 but we can't do that until there's

00:24:32.220 a recognition of

00:24:34.200 sin, an apology

00:24:36.320 and repentance of that.

00:24:39.400 When you sit down

00:24:40.400 with them, I think step number four is just

00:24:42.020 express that.

00:24:44.480 Communicate clearly

00:24:45.660 what's going on. Over the last

00:24:48.140 two years, it's been pretty clear, Mom,

00:24:49.800 that you've treated, you know, my wife this way.

00:24:55.440 And I know it might not look like that,

00:24:58.340 but I'm going to give you some examples.

00:25:00.420 And these things have hurt her and wounded her.

00:25:03.080 And it is actually dividing our families at this point.

00:25:07.060 And we need to come up with a solution to resolve the conflict.

00:25:14.120 And wait for the response.

00:25:16.760 Because based off the response,

00:25:18.220 we'll tell you what you do in step five.

00:25:19.800 so step step five is a two-part process depending on what they do so if they respond positively and

00:25:26.640 like oh my gosh humbly I'm sorry why is Veronica smiling here I'm just thinking of those like

00:25:32.500 graphs in school where you draw a line and like okay if you say yes then it goes into these two

00:25:37.100 branches over here it's like two different paths that's what I'm thinking a line chart yes yeah so

00:25:42.720 option a right is is yeah we have um a positive response i'm i've forgiven you or a positive i'm

00:25:52.880 sorry i did not mean to do that that's not my heart thank you for letting me know you know

00:25:57.580 will you forgive me that's the best response and what do you get to do totally utterly forgive them

00:26:04.700 option B, right? Then the other side, which, um, yeah, the other line, um, is that, uh,

00:26:16.440 this is someone that's defensive or neglecting to own up to what they, what they've done. Um,

00:26:26.460 and they, they fully not recognized it. And we've actually seen this in church discipline

00:26:31.360 a few times where they go nope I'm not going to change the way I'm acting and I'm it's just not

00:26:38.400 going to happen and you go okay well if that happens you get to do a couple things one is

00:26:48.080 that you still get to forgive them for what they've done but you do get to say well if that's

00:26:57.280 your position, then as of now, we no longer are going to continue our relationship with you.

00:27:06.600 Until we can fix this and bring resolution, we will not have a relationship with you.

00:27:13.800 Do not call us. Do not reach out to us unless you're trying to reconcile our relationship.

00:27:20.900 You cannot see our family. You cannot see our children. You cannot see us. We will not be

00:27:25.980 participating until this is resolved period and and we've seen families do this we've seen it

00:27:34.180 and it's hard and we've seen families that walk away from their own parents now what does that

00:27:40.620 generally do it gives the parents time to think about it it gives time for prayer humility

00:27:49.000 or bitterness but we've seen families reconciled months later after they've realized oh gosh

00:27:58.440 it's not worth my hatred is not worth not seeing my family and they come back and they apologize

00:28:07.360 and it's renewed um it's like this quote that we've said a million times that our elder

00:28:15.640 says you can't argue with them with humble person yeah you can't argue with a humble person

00:28:19.700 but family leadership is a costly position to take and guys don't underestimate this stuff

00:28:29.080 in your family in your extended family if there's consistent disrespect and it's causing

00:28:37.520 woundedness you got to deal with it you got to deal with it yeah the longer it goes

00:28:44.500 unresolved the bigger problem it becomes yeah seeking peace is part of the christian's

00:28:51.440 responsibility so um yeah so we're gonna go transition from here into a question that was

00:28:57.660 directed at veronica from a lady that listens to the podcast and she's gonna take her notes and

00:29:04.400 get at it oh man dill probably helped me here i will a couple times just because um i'm not as

00:29:11.600 eloquent with my words is Dale is but I did take some notes um after I read this question the

00:29:17.460 question is I have a full-time job and a new baby I don't want to go back to work but all my friends

00:29:21.580 are encouraging me encouraging me to it doesn't feel right and I don't know why can you help well

00:29:27.600 just this Sunday we had somebody in our own fellowship just share this exact same thing yeah

00:29:32.000 in our own church um so it doesn't feel right because God created you to feel that way

00:29:38.680 if you just had a baby and somebody tears your baby away from you,

00:29:44.120 that's not going to feel right because God created this natural bond.

00:29:48.780 He calls us to be holy.

00:29:50.400 He calls us to be different.

00:29:51.640 He calls us to be set apart.

00:29:53.040 We're not supposed to look like the rest of the world.

00:29:56.060 And people often think that the real ministry is outside of the home.

00:30:01.980 The real calling.

00:30:02.840 Yeah, the real calling, the real important stuff,

00:30:05.480 the real impact-making work.

00:30:08.680 is outside of the home but the bible tells us that it's actually inside of the home

00:30:13.560 children are a blessing from the lord next to our husbands and the gift of salvation

00:30:18.300 the next important thing is the next greatest gift you can ever be given is children yeah and

00:30:25.080 favor from god and so they're the most valuable gift that we can ever receive

00:30:30.020 um so a question that you can ask yourself is how are we me and your spouse how are we

00:30:35.860 going to steward it are you going to steward it well um another thing a couple of scriptures that

00:30:41.120 popped in my head when i read this question um is titus 2 i know a lot of people are gonna be like

00:30:46.860 what titus 2 like how does that refer to to this exact situation um but i'll read it to you titus

00:30:52.340 2 it says the older women likewise that they be reverent in behavior not slanderers not given to

00:30:58.520 much wine teachers of good things that they admonish the young women to love their husbands

00:31:03.180 to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands,

00:31:08.920 that the word of God may not be blasphemed. So when I read this, I say, well, we're all an

00:31:17.860 older woman to someone at all times. Yeah. I'm 29 years old. I'm older to the teenager in high

00:31:24.560 school. I'm older to the 20 year old woman in our home fellowship. I'm older to somebody.

00:31:28.820 and so this command is to for the older women it doesn't say an age just as an older woman 0.89

00:31:36.400 to teach these things obviously reverent in behavior not slanderers not giving too much

00:31:40.900 to be teachers of good things that they admonish the young women to love their husbands to love 0.54

00:31:46.500 their children to be discreet chaste homemakers so this is a list that it's providing um

00:31:54.740 and so we're to be this is a call to action for the older women to be teaching the younger women

00:32:00.940 how to do these things but it also means that we are to be doing these things

00:32:05.140 yeah and the esv even says workers at home you know not just homemakers but like that's where

00:32:11.760 they work yeah and so reading this scripture um let me see uh let's not disregard the fact that

00:32:19.900 towards the end it says obedient to their own husbands as well yeah so if your husband is

00:32:24.680 saying go back to work if he wants you to go back to work hopefully he's not but if he is

00:32:28.800 then we're to submit to that yeah and i know you're going to mention this at the at the end

00:32:33.120 but we can maybe talk about it now is if you're if your husband wants to go back to work because

00:32:39.180 you need to put food on the table right that was my next point yeah that that's okay um because

00:32:45.060 it's a necessity to meet a need. Um, but if you're, if you're going back to work because

00:32:51.020 you can, you know, you guys make plenty of money and you can afford babysitting and daycare and

00:32:55.700 outsource your parenting. Um, again, I would, I would caution you to look at the scriptures and

00:33:00.640 evaluate God's perspective on children and our responsibility to raise them, um, whose

00:33:08.460 responsibility that, that actually is. Yeah. So on that note, um, I usually write my notes

00:33:13.800 in here um but the computer died as i was writing my notes so i didn't get a chance to write out

00:33:19.440 the last scripture but the other scripture so i brought my bible here um the other scripture that

00:33:23.460 i was going to reference is deuteronomy 6 it starts in 4 but i'm going to be emphasizing um

00:33:29.780 from verse 6 but i'll start at verse 4 hear o israel the lord our god the lord is one you shall

00:33:36.460 love the lord your god with all your heart with all your soul with all your strength verse 6

00:33:41.120 and these words which i command you today shall be in your heart you shall teach them diligently

00:33:46.180 to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house when you walk by the way

00:33:50.840 and when you lay down lie down and when you rise up you shall bind them as a sign on your hand and

00:33:57.160 they shall be as frontlets between your eyes you shall write them on the doorposts of your house

00:34:03.460 and on your gates so the kind of love that god requires is one towards our children that is a

00:34:11.100 full-time that is it's one that is full-time under every circumstance children must therefore be

00:34:18.940 taught to love him in the same way yeah and it's you know notice they said when you rise up when

00:34:24.140 you wake or when you walk by the way when you sit in your house when you go down at night

00:34:27.400 this is implying all the time all the time and and so you know can you do that if you're gone

00:34:34.420 10 hours a day um no you can't um can you do that if you again outsource your children

00:34:41.180 to even a public education um it's harder to do that it's hard to fulfill that and again

00:34:47.400 some people might say that's the old testament my belief is that if the new testament

00:34:51.080 doesn't specifically remove the call of the things that are in the Old Testament,

00:34:58.080 like the ceremonial laws, then those things are still valid.

00:35:02.260 That's why, you know, the Ten Commandments still stand for the New Testament believer.

00:35:05.960 And I believe that concept of valuing children absolutely does still stand.

00:35:12.240 And so a couple things I want to add here.

00:35:14.180 um we just saw actually um a woman influencer who is an author um and uh at least stated as a

00:35:29.320 christian um make an instagram post uh about this kind of issue and i i copied her words here

00:35:36.460 i'm going to leave her name anonymous here but i just want to read what she said and she was

00:35:42.220 missing the fact that she was about to leave for several weeks on a book tour away from her

00:35:51.060 children, and she's going to miss her kids. And, you know, this is different than a full-time job.

00:35:59.680 This is a spurt of being gone. But I want to read you what she wrote, because I think it's

00:36:04.980 common in the church and i think it's incorrect um she wrote quote um working moms they're going

00:36:13.380 to be fine it's hard on you it's harder on you than it is on them you are fulfilling your calling

00:36:19.380 and showing them what a warrior mama you are and you're doing great that's for me as much as it is

00:36:25.300 for you okay um so this statement here is that they'll be fine um you know and and so i i have

00:36:36.120 a couple of things i want to break down first i want to go back to veronica's point the lord has

00:36:40.160 given us a conscience and she's already admitted that she's violating her own conscience it's

00:36:46.220 called the holy spirit yeah it's called conviction yeah and and there's a moral law embedded into

00:36:50.560 her heart. So there's a biblical argument for that. And she is uniquely made to mother those

00:36:56.400 children. Does this mean that you can't have a career or a work from home thing or a hobby? No,

00:37:03.460 that's not what we're saying here. You know, Veronica is doing this podcast with me. You know,

00:37:08.040 we have friends that are great bloggers, but it means is the priority your children or is it your

00:37:12.660 career. So she said this idea, they'll be fine. I don't think that's true because I can tell you

00:37:23.920 the hundreds, maybe thousands of people over the years that I've seen on the internet

00:37:28.760 write about how they've been hurt because their mom or dad was always gone.

00:37:36.380 They're not going to be fine. Statistically speaking, no, that is not true. They're not

00:37:41.080 going to be fine um the second thing is the statement she says it's harder on you than it

00:37:48.220 is on them uh you know again i think this is a um an attempt to nobilize her efforts um

00:37:57.900 uh you know it's a great way to to make what she's doing seem honorable like i'm gonna go

00:38:04.300 suffer over here it's harder on me than it is on them and i go i don't know i think it's actually

00:38:10.480 harder on them than it is on us. We can logic our way through the situation. We have a much

00:38:20.100 greater perspective on the matter. They're just feeling that mom's gone. Did she leave us for

00:38:27.560 some reason? Why? Why is she always gone now? Am I not as important? And I promise you, because 0.96

00:38:35.960 this has happened in my own life, your kids will, when things change on your cadence of hanging out

00:38:43.340 with them, if you don't work really hard to make sure that they feel loved and prioritized,

00:38:51.180 they will come to you with a statement that'll break your heart. And it happened to me last week

00:38:57.200 when, um, uh, I've been sick for a long time and a lot of days down, I'm feeling much better now,

00:39:05.140 but a lot of days over this last year that I've been down.

00:39:08.120 And part of that sickness means that I can't bend over without my stomach hurting,

00:39:12.740 and it's hard for me to get on the floor and play with the kids.

00:39:16.520 And a babysitter told me that my daughter said that dad doesn't like to play with me anymore

00:39:24.760 or doesn't play with me as much anymore.

00:39:28.980 And that broke my heart because your kids notice this stuff.

00:39:32.900 maybe they won't notice a weekend gone or even a month of craziness but when you have a long

00:39:40.000 term pattern they feel it so i've worked very hard to make sure that find ways you know even

00:39:47.900 if i can't get on the floor to make sure that i'm prioritizing that um i think what this statement

00:39:54.500 is is that she's self-medicating and this is what a lot of mothers do they try to justify

00:39:59.700 this outside work while they neglect the inside work, and they say these statements that, hey,

00:40:08.080 this truth is just for me as much as it is for you. It's a self-medicating spirit. I want to make

00:40:14.520 myself feel better about this decision that my conscience is convicting me on. And the last thing

00:40:21.720 I'm going to say on this whole thing is that God's ministry, God's calling, will not compromise your

00:40:28.060 family. And so we know in Romans chapter 12 that God has perfect will. And that perfect will means

00:40:37.460 that he will not call you to be disobedient in one area or call you to be obedient in one area

00:40:44.160 that requires you to be disobedient in another area. And so God's call on your career isn't going

00:40:53.100 compromise your family. Your call on your career will compromise your family. And you get to have

00:40:58.900 some hard conversations as a family going, hey, what's the cost? What's the cost? And don't say

00:41:06.880 statements like they'll be fine. Don't say statements. It's harder on me than it is on them.

00:41:11.960 Those are false statements. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You're fulfilling your calling. This is what she

00:41:20.300 said, you know, you're fulfilling your calling and showing them what it means to be a warrior mama.

00:41:24.140 No, what you're doing is you're showing them what it means to be an absent mama.

00:41:28.140 And so I just say, hard stuff, seek the Lord on this stuff. There's not a one-off answer.

00:41:37.160 There's unique exceptions, special circumstances. And I don't want to say that all you women need 1.00

00:41:42.680 to stay home and work and stop your jobs. And no, that's not what I'm saying. But look at this 1.00

00:41:47.840 stuff through the lens of scripture okay this week's memory verse yes Romans 12 18 if it is

00:41:56.720 possible as much as depends on you live peaceably with all men so sorry guys feel like that was

00:42:04.740 really heavy that was a heavy ending I'm like man I don't even work and I'm just like what do I need

00:42:11.400 to drop well I think a lot of you guys appreciate this show because we talk about the things that

00:42:17.240 most people don't want to talk about. And so thank you guys for your support in our ministry.

00:42:22.660 It really does mean a lot. And we are continuing to try to bring more resources to marriages and

00:42:29.240 families and biblical communities with the things that we're doing. So again, if you guys would

00:42:35.140 leave us a review, that really would help the show have more exposure. And again, go to

00:42:41.420 ultimatemarriage.com forward slash podcast. Actually, don't do that. Just go click on the

00:42:46.780 podcast button because that might not be the right URL, but you can find the show notes,

00:42:50.440 all the scriptures, all the references we have for the show, the video for this,

00:42:53.620 the downloads, all that stuff's available for you there at ultimatemarriage.com.

00:42:58.720 Until next week.

00:42:59.540 Yeah, we'll see you guys next Wednesday. Take care.

00:43:03.900 Thank you for joining us on this episode of Ultimate Marriage. If you're homesick for a

00:43:07.660 Stronger Marriage, visit our website at ultimatemarriage.com and consider enrolling in our

00:43:11.740 one-year online marriage mentor program. Also, if you're interested in learning more about

00:43:15.960 building a better marriage, follow Veronica and I on social media where each week we share tips,

00:43:20.300 tricks, and lessons on building a biblical marriage.

00:43:37.660 Transcription by CastingWords

Dale Partridge - December 12, 2018

Ultimate Marriage #23 How Christians Should Handle Holiday Family Conflict

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