Ultimate Marriage #25：Pornography, Parenting, & Protecting Against The Sin of Friendly Flirting
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Summary
In this episode, we discuss pornography, parenting, and the sin of flirting. We also talk about flirting with other people that are not your spouse and how to deal with it. We hope this episode is helpful to anyone dealing with flirting, pornography, or flirting in general.
Transcript
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Welcome to Ultimate Marriage. Today we are talking about pornography, parenting, and the sin of
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flirting. The sin of flirting. Yes. That means flirting with other people that are not your
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spouse um excited to have a conversation today this is a quick episode i don't know if it'll
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be that quick but it'll be maybe 30 minutes or so um we'll see you guys will see the end of the
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show and see if i predicted that correctly but this is a an episode that is airing in christmas
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week literally the day after christmas and so we we want to just give you guys something short to
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listen to if you're traveling hopefully this will be edifying to you guys we're hitting three hard
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topics pornography yeah we're answering three hard questions yeah we get yeah that's yeah good
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clarification we're going to answer three questions and so this is a Q&A session today
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three questions one on pornography one on parenting and one on flirtationships and how we should think
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about those a couple things before we get started again this is a YouTube channel podcast also means
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that you could subscribe to our YouTube channel watch these live on YouTube I keep looking at
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this other camera as if we're using it we've been using just one camera for for our shoots lately
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we will get the other camera going here again soon um and a couple other things yeah if you're
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listening to this on itunes you can get and listen to it on spotify you can listen to on google play
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you can listen to on stitcher you can listen to it uh there's other places anyways we got the
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podcast up just about everywhere and if you'd be willing to leave a review on itunes again i'm
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telling you itunes will elevate the visibility of the show based off of reviews so if you would
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just be willing if you've been listening to the show and you still haven't left a review
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i'm convicting you right now to go and just leave a review just tap the stars
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write something if you want to you don't even need to write something but that's all of our
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our request this is episode number 25 which means that we've been we've been doing this for almost
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half a year 25 weeks in a row um the day after the 25th of christ or 25th of december which is
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christmas um we've had 330 000 downloads of our show as of the airing of this or the recording
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of this 330 000 times people have downloaded and listened to our show of just 25 shows six months
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worth we are humbled about that i i think about what if we just didn't start this yeah i don't
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know you shouldn't tell me these numbers i always tell you that now i'm gonna have stage fright
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i don't like knowing the numbers we have over 1600 reviews on the podcast it is currently the
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most rated and highest rated marriage podcast in the world and that is a big deal we again if you
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guys would continue to keep us there uh the truth of god's word will get out to more couples
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um last few things we uploaded and created a new resources page at our website ultimate
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marriage.com so if you just go to ultimate marriage.com forward slash resources we added
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a whole bunch of stuff yeah you'll you'll see some of the books that we recommend and we've
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read on parenting on marriage um other podcasts that we recommend yeah yeah i also organized all
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of our shows and articles that we've heard of or read somewhere else by topic. So if you have like
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an issue with sex, there's a bunch of articles and stuff on sex. Um, if you have an issue on
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parenting, there's, there's articles on parenting or fighting or whatever it might be. So there's
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lots of cool stuff there. Again, just ultimate marriage.com forward slash resources. You can
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check that out. And that will continue growing as well. Totally. Yeah. We added a bunch of stuff
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we have more that we'd like to add on there and just stuff that we also accumulate throughout
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the next yeah as we read or if you're a new podcast we'd like to add those things there
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so we're going to go ahead and start and um veronica is going to read the question this
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question is i'm going to hit probably pretty hard because it's a question about pornography and
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uh the men and then we're going to move into a parenting question i think veronica is going to
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hit okay first question for dale and i'm going to try we read your reviews and i know a lot of you
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guys um need me to speak louder or more directly into the mic so i'm going to make sure i try and
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do that today we'll see maybe i'll just keep my hands here to like go do that um okay first
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question i found several porn searches and sites on my husband's history and the rest of his search
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history and google activity history has been cleared but he swears he never searched it and
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it was probably a pop-up or virus how can i trust my husband's word when the evidence is stacked
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against him. Okay. So this idea of a pop-up or virus doing this, I've heard from so many wives
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as an excuse who then later come and tell us that the husband has actually admitted. And that was a
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lie. Um, I've just never seen that to be a true thing of like pop-ups and viruses. Now, is it
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possible possibly there is some stuff especially maybe like five years ago yeah like a long time
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ago that was more of an issue but not so much now yeah i i think that google chrome and your
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browsers today i don't think that's really a common thing anymore the way that they fix those
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that kind of stuff i'm not saying that i'm 100 right but if it talks like a duck walks like a
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duck it's probably a duck and that concept is that it looks man it looks really bad it looks like
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not just that you found the porn searches, but also the erased history. The only reason you
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erase history is if you have something to hide. And so that's just my quick take on that.
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I'm going to give just a little advice here about the pornography issue for those men
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who are struggling with this. This is the cancer in the church. You'll hear me talk about it a lot
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because it is probably the number one thing plaguing the church today is pornography.
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I can't tell you how many people email me about this.
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Wives, husbands, this is rampant in the church.
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And it's because we haven't heard the correct gospel on the matters of this kind of stuff.
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Like we don't know what the word actually says.
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That's another day, but I'm going to give some stuff.
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Sin has a way of making people fall in love with it.
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So don't be shocked when your husband tries to hide it.
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that that's what one it's shameful and then also men and women do incredible things to hide sin
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and so just don't be naive to the reality of this stuff first peter 2 11 says beloved i urge you as
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sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh which wage war against your soul
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This is a war is what's going on, a spiritual battle.
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And just need to recognize that this is like warfare for your husband's soul right here.
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And just, I'm saying don't walk into this lightly, don't walk into this naively.
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It requires real, raw conversations, and we'll talk about that here in a second.
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lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin.
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like, I'll be fine. Nobody's getting hurt by this. Yeah. That's a lie. Yeah. The reality is,
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is that when you're practicing in first John, I believe it's chapter three, it talks about the
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idea of people who practice. It says that the way that you tell the difference between the sons of
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God and the sons of Satan is that the sons of God practice righteousness while the sons of Satan
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practice sin. Now, when you look at a guy who looks at pornography, they practice sin. And what
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does it mean to practice sin? It means that you're getting better at it. And if you look at men who
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look at pornography sites, they get better at it. They decide what type of sites they like. They
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know what type of, you know, what type of porn is their style. They get better at hiding it.
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This is what happens to men. They practice it. They're getting better at it. And it says that
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you're a son of the devil. If you do this, it means that you're unrepentant. You might be
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apologetic, you might be shameful, you might feel guilty, but you're not repentant. And I say this
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often, how many unrepentant sinners go to heaven? None. None. And so the idea is that we need to be
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repentant. Now, there's a difference between, oh, I sinned and, you know, but a repetitive
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practicing of sin is a different way of being. You are not set free. You're in bondage. Yeah.
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a little bit of compassion and or i'm just making generalized statements here
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ultimately sin is slavery and the sin of pornography is slavery and it has so many
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people in bondage and what did jesus christ come here to do is to set the captives free
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by his stripes we are healed and we're healed from the sickness of sin that that's what it's
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talking about there. And when you're in bondage, it creates a pattern of living that gets a man
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to give up his time, his money, his integrity, his reputation in service to his sin. And that's
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just what happens. It becomes his God and his master. It literally rules him. And that's what's
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going on with pornography inside the church and outside the church. So repeated pornography use
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isn't some slight spiritual infraction that needs some sin management.
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That's what we think, just some sin management.
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We just put a little sin management on there, and that'll fix it.
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It's actually, in my opinion, the highway to hell.
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I believe it literally steals people away from the faith.
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If a man is failing here, he begins to fail everywhere.
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You want to know why men aren't talking in the church?
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You want to know why men aren't leading and why men are passive?
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Well, because they've had their confidence ripped from them
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because every week they're in bondage to this private addiction to pornography.
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yeah, I'm not going to go become the best father and the best husband
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and the best leader over here when I know I'm a giant hypocrite on the inside
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because I'm a sinful, unrepentant pornography addict
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a man who isolates himself seeks his own desires.
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You don't see a lot of people talking about it because they're shameful about it,
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If you want to make this thing go away, men, you've got to go confess it.
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Don't confess it to the guy that is in your small group.
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You didn't sin against the guy in your small group.
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Go confess it to your wife and just repent to her
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And so this is a threat to your eternal security and your marriage.
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If you want to play the game, the once saved, always saved game,
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you're just walking a knife blade, what I'm saying.
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The scriptures have a strong argument for people who are unrepentant in their sin and practicing sin.
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You know what's harmful is God's judgment on people who walk this way.
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The truth is, for this specific question here, your husband fears your reaction more than he fears God.
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And so I think that's really important is that we need to recognize that if you're afraid of your wife more than you are afraid of God, Satan's got you right where he wants you.
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And so this is also a lesson for the ladies, which I want to talk about, is your husband isn't your enemy here.
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And so you need to walk this out with him in a gentle way.
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I recommend that you get your husband together and assure him that you want to know the truth.
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Like you want to know the truth and you will be upset, but you're not going to be broken.
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you will get past this together because you're in a covenant relationship with each other
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and satan is not going to break this covenant but you um you're you want to hear it just give
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me the truth i want to work with you through this we're going to get through this together
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yeah would you rather know and be hurt or not know and have this secret life happening behind
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your back and totally rampage your marriage so that's my um again it needs to be confessed
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I just encourage all men that if you're struggling with this, go confess it.
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It says in James, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another that you may be healed.
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That's just how it works in my experience with this sin.
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We are going to eventually be launching a course on how to quit pornography according to the gospel.
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and that's coming soon lord willing would you guys pray for us for the protection spiritual
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protection against the enemy's attacks on that initiative because it's coming hopefully this
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year lord willing um and we'll break some chains and get some people out of prison um yeah okay
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next question and um this question has to do with parenting and before i get into it um we do get a
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lot of parenting questions um and there's a reason why we don't always answer them um we very rarely
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will answer a parenting question um and the reason is because our oldest is five so or about to be
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five in a couple weeks um and so that's all the experience we have yeah we talk about toddler
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stuff because we've dealt with toddlers but um but we we don't hit a lot of like the older kid
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parenting stuff at all actually and the toddler stuff we just don't like to take on too much of
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it. Cause again, we only have so much experience in it, but this is a good question. And I think
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we got a lot to say on this. Alrighty. So the question is, how would you guys recommend going
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about establishing quiet time by themselves with a toddler who hasn't done it previously and wants
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to spend every single moment with you? Should you punish them for walking out of their space?
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Okay. So I'm assuming this question is coming from somebody who has heard us talk about this
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before. Because we do this in our family daily. Our kids have to do quiet time every day or take
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a nap. So there's a couple of tools that I use for that in the morning. Our kids are not allowed
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to get out of the room until 730. So we try and get up around six. And then so we can have like
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an hour and a half of quiet time getting ready for the day, just preparing ourselves. And then
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the kids are allowed to come down at 7 30 and they have a clock in their room it is called the
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okay to wake clock you can look that up on amazon and um it's basically like an alarm clock with
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it just turns on the light turns on at 7 30 and they know that as soon as that light turns on
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that is when they are allowed to come downstairs um and so if your child has never done it before
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then sure you're going to have several mornings or days or nap times whatever time of the day you
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decide to use it days in a row of training them you need to get them to understand and learn that
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they are not allowed to come out of the room or out of their quiet time space until the light is
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turned on another thing that I want to say is that we have to remember that our children need
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to be taught how to obey. Um, if they haven't been trained to obey until the count of three
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or until you get up out of your seat and start chasing him down the hall, um, then we need to
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have grace with our children when we're trying to teach them something new and they don't necessarily
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obey right away. Yeah. Because you've trained them to not listen the first time. And so you
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got to, you've trained them to listen when you say the number three or when you get up out of
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your seat. So yeah, you need to have grace with them and not get so frustrated and so angry
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because they're not listening because they haven't been taught how to listen in this specific
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circumstances. And then another thing to remember is that sin is deeply wrapped up in the heart of
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our children. They're already like, just if you look at a young baby, they already are fighting
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to exercise their own will um and they are yeah they're little sinners you know they'll hit you
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they'll bite you they'll say no to you it's amazing how it's they're just it's again just
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wrapped up in the heart of a child yeah their desire um their desire to exercise their own will
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is really just their desire to rule their own flesh yes and the reality is we all have a ruler
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and that's the lord himself and so um until our children are old enough to know who god is
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we are god to our to our children we're god's example we are god's um agent authority figure
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yeah um to our children until they have a relationship with christ yeah and if a child
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can't be obedient to god or obedient to his parents he will not be able to be obedient to
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god and that's what you see right now is that we have a generation of wild childs growing up that
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can't be obedient to their own parents and they're not going to be able to be obedient to god in that
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same manner and a good thing to remember is that you're breaking their will but not you have to be
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very careful not to break their spirit um in ephesians 6 4 it says fathers do not provoke
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your children to anger but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the lord it also
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says it again in Colossians 3 21 fathers do not provoke your children lest they become discouraged
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you don't want to exasperate your child and have them become bitter towards you and have them have
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anger in their heart towards you because that's really hard to to to work through you want them
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to know that you're here to be firm uncompromising but want to help them yeah so gently correct them
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in love and help guide them in the direction that you have for them um if you want to hear more on
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that specifically with babies and really young toddlers i wrote a blog on it i don't know probably
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like a year ago um called blanket time and that's kind of how we introduce quiet time um and that's
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at veronicapartridge.com and i don't know there's probably only five articles on there so we need to
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move that stuff over to ultimate marriage um yeah you know i think about when your kids break god's
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laws, which is, you know, your child isn't being disobedient to you. They're being disobedient to
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God. They're supposed to honor their parents, their mother and father. It's in the Ten Commandments.
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We need to treat them how God treats us when we're disobedient. And, you know, we need to
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mirror that kind of the tone, the attitude, the voice, the facial expressions, that all that kind
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of the wrath of God, but the love of God at the same time. And the way that we get disciplined,
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And we know that in Hebrews chapter 12, it says that God disciplines those he loves.
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And, you know, so every time we need to kind of exercise authority,
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we got to also exercise our patience, our mercy, our firmness, our grace, our love.
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Yeah, all that stuff just needs to be exercised there.
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It's really hard because you're really giving them a picture and an image of God.
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And if you find yourself getting angry and frustrated in the middle of trying to teach your child this thing, it's you actually need to look at your own heart in that moment.
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Yeah, this is because because you're taking it as a personal offense when they haven't sinned against you, they sinned against God.
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And yeah, this is in their heart. You're not dealing with with just the bad behaviors and the bad the bad words.
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I don't want to do this. You're dealing with the heart. Your heart of your child is not yielded to
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you because they want to be an autonomous being. And the word autonomous, auto means self and
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anonymous, autonomous means governing. So self-governing. They want to be self-governing.
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They don't want to submit or yield to anything. And that is cute maybe when it's a year and a
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half years old it's not cute at 16 and and so if you you want to work this stuff out you want to
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win your child's heart early on so that you don't have to battle through the the behavior modification
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of later life when they want to just serve mom and dad and so that that's what we're learning
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and we're walking out and it's really hard we have a strong-willed child and it's hard and so
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you know, we're still battling constantly, but we're consistent. And Veronica is a beast in terms
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of just reading books and staying on top of it and working hard at it. And so it takes a lot of
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work to raise up godly children. Um, that's just the case. I mean, if you want to be lazy, you can
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raise up, you know, kids get raised up with lazy parents all the time and they turn out like the
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culture. But if you want to raise up godly kids, it's so much work. It's so much work. We were just
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spending time being a dad and i walked downstairs going oh my gosh this is so tough
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so we're with you guys um third question and then uh we'll close out after this question
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and veronica's gonna read it okay third question my husband has a childhood friend
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that he maintains contact with he claims she is like a sister to him and he could never be
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attracted to her romantically however their text messages do seem to be playful and flirty
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in nature and that is hurtful to me i've told him how i feel about this in the past but he told me
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i am being controlling and lacking trust and continues to message her privately what steps
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should i as his wife take if he refuses to stop contacting the other woman
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so there's a difference between being friendly and flirty yeah there's a big difference so before
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uh approaching your husband in this conversation i mean you already have but i would also just be
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very sure and clear in your understanding and your spirit of which one it is. But either way,
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if you're uncomfortable, there needs to be a conversation had. Flirting is one of the first
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steps to cheating. Yes. Flirtation in the dictionary is defined as suggestive behavior
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with sexual intent. Yeah. Did you guys catch that? I just want you guys to catch that. What
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she just said, flirtation is defined in the dictionary as suggested, suggestive behavior
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with sexual intent. And so when wives go, oh, he just has a flirtatious personality. I'm like,
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wait, what? Like, so you're totally cool with just him suggestively, sexually communicating
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with other women. The only woman he should be flirting with is his wife. Yeah. And that's the
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sad thing is that the men that I see that struggle with this, that are flirting with other people and
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They're actually the same guys who have forgotten to flirt with their own wife.
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And so it just double compounds on this poor woman that he's flirting with that woman and not flirting with me.
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And so it becomes this really dangerous territory.
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It's kind of how close can I get to the edge without falling into the canyon.
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I think it's, I think it's absolutely sin. Yeah. It's not okay to enliven yourself
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with the beauty of another woman. If you're a married man, that's, you just don't get to do
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that. That's when you say yes to your wife on your wedding day, it's means also that you say
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no to everybody else. And so you got to recognize that you've, you've said yes, you don't get to
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have the other stuff, and your wife too. And so it's just critical that we have that position
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and that posture when your wife asks you to stop doing that. She owns you. The Bible literally
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says that she owns your body, and he owns your body. I mean, this is what it talks about in 1
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Corinthians 7. And so are we going to be biblical or not? I think the biggest question for this
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situation, is that if I was offering marriage coaching to this couple, I would say, so are you
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Christian or are you not? And if he said, oh yeah, I'm Christian, I go, okay, well then let's just
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look at what the Bible says. And we look at what the Bible says, and then I go, are you going to
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be obedient to this, or are you going to willingly and understandingly be disobedient to it and
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unrepentantly sinful? And just get an answer, like what are you going to do? Because if you
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walk that way, that means you're also walking away from Jesus Christ himself. You're just saying
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that, no, God, I'm not going to do it your way. I'm not going to be obedient to you. I'm not going
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to be repented for my sin. That's a big deal. And so the word, if you know, our marriages have 100%
00:27:45.380
chance of success if we just do it God's way. And so Ephesians 5.25, I just go, let's just read
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the scripture and just go, are you doing this? It says, husbands, love your wives just as Christ
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also loved the church and gave himself for her, gave himself up for her. So whatever your desires
00:28:06.200
are as a husband, you need to be able to give yourself up as a sacrifice, those desires for
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your wife, not argue back and say, that's not, you're just not, you're just not trusting.
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wives have a radar on other women that we don't the same way that us men have a radar on other guys
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that they don't so just take that for what it's worth it says in verse 26 and why do you love
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your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for you well that he might sanctify
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and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word.
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You should be pouring scripture over your wife's mind,
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not making her jealous as you're privately flirting
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Because if he's Lord, then this is what your Lord just told you to do.
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If he's not Lord, then you just need to determine if you're actually Christian
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Lord, Lord, we did all these things in your name.
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That he might present her to himself a glorious church,
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but that she should be holy and without blemish.
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and not interrupt in her holiness and relationship with God,
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Furnish her life with the ability to be close with the Lord.
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Another scripture I'm going to mention, Proverbs 6, 24-25.
00:29:55.040
To preserve you from the evil woman, from the smooth tongue of the adulteress,
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and do not let her capture you with her eyelashes.
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All things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful.
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Just because it's even smart doesn't mean it's right.
1.00
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Is there any scripture that's going to condemn you from talking to another woman?
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But just because you can doesn't mean you should,
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especially if the woman that you're in a covenant relationship with
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and supposed to love her the way that Christ loves the church, doesn't want you to.
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God is not mocked for whatever one sows that he will also reap.
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And if you sow into that stuff, you're going to reap something out of that stuff.
00:30:53.320
And so I just go, man, husbands, if this is you,
00:30:58.440
do you really love your wife like christ loved the church or not it's all about sacrifice it's
00:31:07.000
difficult and we are to be modeling the ultimate marriage no pun intended but that's why our show
00:31:14.580
is called that and what would you say to the wife if this is her husband i'd say you need to get
00:31:50.140
Now this is your own husband. You're dealing with
00:31:51.740
sin here. You just need to determine if he's Christian or not. So I think bring some other
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people into the conversation if he won't correct the behavior with you asking that. I think that's
00:32:02.200
the safety of community and what the church is here for. I don't know if you'd agree. Yeah.
00:32:07.080
I just want some more clarity on that. Yeah. So guys, we're going to close out here because this
00:32:12.800
is a short show for you Christmas folks going into the new year. Excited for the next episode.
00:32:18.020
We're going to talk about a couple of things that we'd like you to do for 2019 and every
00:32:26.500
So go ahead and we got a memory verse for the men.
00:32:35.180
Ephesians 5.25, husbands love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself
00:32:55.960
If you guys want to listen to this podcast on our website, you can go to ultimatemarriage.com forward slash.
00:33:11.980
Just go to the website and click on the podcast page.
00:33:18.020
You guys can watch the video, see all the scriptures we reference,
00:33:20.360
see all the quotes that I've pulled out, you know,
00:33:25.740
The link to the clock I'll put in there, all that kind of stuff.
00:33:28.780
It's available for you there, the video to watch on our website,
00:33:34.600
And again, if you guys, just a reminder, leave us a review.
00:33:36.780
If you're one of those people that's listened for 25 episodes
00:33:39.220
and haven't left a review yet, I am asking you guys to do us a favor for that.
00:33:48.600
Have a Merry Christmas that was yesterday for them.
00:33:59.000
Thank you for joining us on this episode of Ultimate Marriage.
00:34:05.960
and consider enrolling in our one-year online marriage mentor program.
00:34:09.660
Also, if you're interested in learning more about building a better marriage,
00:34:14.280
where each week we share tips, tricks, and lessons on building a biblical marriage.