Dale Partridge - Ultimate Marriage #8： How to Walk With Your Wife Through Fear, Trial, and Tribulation

00:00:00.000 welcome to another episode of ultimate marriage today we're going to be talking about how to walk

00:00:15.360 with your wife through fear trials and tribulation which we know nothing about you guys are going to

00:00:22.260 hear our story and I'm not talking like our story like months or years ago but the story we're

00:00:29.220 walking through currently currently yeah and so some of it yeah some of it so hopefully you'll get

00:00:34.060 a chance to um yeah peer into our lives a little bit um guys real quick just if you're new to the

00:00:40.980 podcast a couple things i want to just tell you guys about one is that if you're listening to this

00:00:46.340 as an audio podcast just know that uh this is also a video podcast on youtube and if you're watching

00:00:53.220 this on youtube just make sure that you know that this is an audio podcast so those are available

00:00:58.280 at ultimatemarriage.com. You can just go to the podcast section. You can watch the video, listen

00:01:01.940 to the audio, download it, get all the verses that we talked about today, all the quotes and

00:01:06.980 everything, all the links, everything is available for you guys there. Another quick thing I want to

00:01:11.240 mention is, again, thank you guys so much for the reviews. They really are important to the exposure

00:01:17.360 of the show and getting God's truth out into the world. And so if you guys haven't left a review

00:01:23.400 yet please would you leave a review all you have to do is in the itunes app is just tap the five

00:01:29.380 stars if you give us five stars um and you don't need to you don't need to write anything don't

00:01:35.560 even write anything just tap the stars that's that's all we're asking for and it really does

00:01:39.260 help our exposure um veronica is actually going to open up a little bit about this past month

00:01:46.620 especially and just kind of open up the the session of what we're going to be talking about

00:01:51.260 Yeah. So if you guys have followed us on social media, then you already know a lot of the stuff that we've recently been walking through. But I'll just tell you a little bit about it. So on July 31st, we had a miscarriage. This was our second miscarriage. We've had one before several years ago. So yeah, we had a miscarriage.

00:02:10.860 A little bit later term in terms of 11 weeks, which is pretty far for a miscarriage.

00:02:16.160 And we went ahead and miscarried at home.

00:02:20.300 I did not need to have any other medical intervention, which was an answer to prayer.

00:02:26.280 And overlapping that, the miscarriage, the same week, actually the same day I found out about the miscarriage,

00:02:33.620 I noticed a strange bug bite on my leg.

00:02:36.160 um and it was really itching but obviously with the weight of the miscarriage my mind was somewhere

00:02:40.720 else several days later um it just was looking worse and more nasty and Dale was like babe that's

00:02:48.820 that's not a mosquito bite because I just kept brushing it off I was just a mosquito bite he's

00:02:52.400 like no that's that's something more and then yeah a few days later I was like yeah you're right this

00:02:57.160 isn't a mosquito bite this is definitely something else um anyway it turns out that bug bite was um

00:03:03.820 a bite from some type of insect, uh, that happened to carry Lyme, Lyme disease. And so I'm currently

00:03:10.860 on 21 days. I'm on like day 15 of 21 days of antibiotics, um, three times a day fighting

00:03:19.740 to fight off the Lyme disease. Yeah. So that's been pretty intense. Um, yeah, because she's

00:03:24.840 having joint pain and headaches and all types of other stuff that come along with lots of 0.66

00:03:29.760 antibiotics for long periods of time. And so with three kids and on top of the miscarriage,

00:03:35.200 I mean, this has just been brutal. Yeah. Well, and with the antibiotics, a lot of times you get

00:03:39.540 side effects from those obviously, but when you actually have contracted a disease, I feel weird

00:03:46.120 even saying that, but when you actually have contracted a disease, it actually can magnify

00:03:51.600 your symptoms. So like you said, with the joint pain and the headaches, those have been pretty

00:03:57.100 intense and nausea whatever else um so that's we're currently walking through right now

00:04:02.580 and then just a few nights ago um i at 3 a.m i woke up and i was like oh man my side hurts really

00:04:12.820 bad and so i got up and i went to the restroom and dale like gets up out of bed and follows me

00:04:18.880 in there and i'm like what do you just go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and he never

00:04:22.100 does that he never well yeah i don't go to the bathroom in the middle of the night but yeah even

00:04:25.720 if I did you don't typically like get up and follow me in you just assume that I went to the

00:04:30.280 bathroom anyway he's like what's wrong what's going on I was just like nothing I'm going to

00:04:34.160 the bathroom and my side hurts and so he walked back to the room and then when I walked in there

00:04:40.100 he's like standing up like what's going on what's wrong and I was like my side just hurts really

00:04:44.040 bad I don't know and she's got chills so she's shaking yeah and I started like shivering and

00:04:49.200 getting the chills and um and i'm very much type of person's like just it's fine it's fine just

00:04:56.020 let's just ignore it it's not a big deal um but anyway he dale pulled out his uh handy dandy trusty

00:05:03.740 google yep and web md and food a couple things and he's like babe this might be appendicitis and

00:05:09.960 honestly i was already thinking that in my head because i've never had this kind of pain before

00:05:13.620 on my side but i didn't want to acknowledge it um and so as soon as he said that i was just like i

00:05:19.940 just like kind of got up out of bed and he's like we got to go to the emergency room just in case

00:05:23.600 um turns out it wasn't a wasn't appendicitis um chances are it was likely maybe could have been

00:05:31.740 the start of appendicitis but because i'm already on antibiotics it was it was killing it um but i

00:05:38.160 did have the ultrasound and ct which showed all the tests showed a little bit of inflammation

00:05:42.580 on our appendix. Yeah. It did show that the appendix was inflamed. Um, and we spoke with

00:05:47.160 the surgeon and he was just like, yeah, he's like, it's an inflamed appendix, but I don't think you

00:05:50.720 have an appendicitis. Um, and I don't think surgery is necessary. Yeah. So guys, this is like,

00:05:56.380 we've been walking through back to back prior to that, uh, the skin cancer scar that's still

00:06:00.920 on my face. If you're watching the video that happened a couple of weeks before the miscarriage.

00:06:04.720 And then prior to that, we had, you know, our son was diagnosed with asthma. And prior to that,

00:06:09.240 we were fighting illness back and forth for several months um i mean this has been a year

00:06:13.600 of trials for us and so you know the social media feed can look great you know um but we've been

00:06:20.380 navigating through deep waters not um not you know the windless uh you know flat seas that's not been

00:06:29.760 our life the last year and especially the last month so i wanted to talk about that and just

00:06:34.020 kind of share our uh journey the things that we're learning as a couple the things that i'm learning

00:06:38.640 as a husband, and how to walk your wife, how to walk with your wife through these fears,

00:06:44.020 these trials, and these tribulations, and, you know, it's funny.

00:06:50.340 This all started, actually, these trials started the same week we went into full-time ministry,

00:06:55.420 and so we definitely correlated with a spiritual attack.

00:07:00.740 Now, I don't want to throw that, like, everything under that umbrella.

00:07:03.900 I want to be sober-minded about that, but that's something we've definitely felt like

00:07:09.300 And so today's focus, again, is just on the past 30 days.

00:07:13.380 And I've had to work on encouraging her and empathizing with her and supporting her

00:07:16.820 and pointing her back to the truth and to Christ in these times.

00:07:21.980 And I think it's something that every husband has to know how to do at some point or another.

00:07:30.660 And men, we have to realize that if the enemy can't get to you for some reason

00:07:37.080 because you're so strong in your faith and you have the armor of God on,

00:07:41.540 he's going to go after your wife.

00:07:42.900 And if he can't go after your wife, he's going to go after your kids.

00:07:44.980 And that's what happens.

00:07:46.660 So strengthening our home as a responsible father and husband is really important.

00:07:51.640 It's a really important skill to have as a man.

00:07:56.160 And every husband is going to walk through this at some capacity,

00:07:58.900 whether it's a new baby that's born,

00:08:02.280 whether that's anxiety or depression that your wife might be walking through for a season,

00:08:07.100 Whether that's someone gets, mom just gets the flu, right?

00:08:11.460 And just goes down for a couple, you know, a days or a week or two. 0.76

00:08:16.080 And it could be a death in the family.

00:08:19.380 Whatever it is, we're going to have this issue to face as husbands and wives. 0.89

00:08:25.380 And this is a discipline that the Christian husband needs to know how to do. 0.74

00:08:30.280 So as husbands, you know, how are we called to behave? 0.98

00:08:35.440 How are we called to practically walk this stuff out as a Christian husband?

00:08:40.700 And we're going to be talking about what that looks like in these circumstances to do that.

00:08:47.080 And even share it from our own story, which Veronica will share.

00:08:50.780 Yeah, so for me, I mentioned just briefly earlier, when something like this comes up, if I'm sick or if I'm in pain or if I'm just, you know, thing, one thing after another after another and I'm just overwhelmed.

00:09:05.440 I tend to just kind of shut down.

00:09:08.040 I don't like to verbally say anything because it actually makes it more real to me.

00:09:13.000 I feel like if I just ignore it, it'll eventually go away.

00:09:16.620 And so a lot of times, yeah, I'll just kind of stay quiet.

00:09:21.880 And there's a scripture that Dale references quite often.

00:09:25.800 You've probably heard him say it in the podcast.

00:09:28.840 And if not, you've maybe heard him say it online.

00:09:30.360 But it says in Proverbs 18, one, a person who isolates themselves seeks their own desire.

00:09:35.440 And what I'm realizing after walking through this so frequently and me just wanting to not say anything and don't acknowledge the pain or don't acknowledge that I'm not feeling well is actually seeking my own desire, which is denial.

00:09:51.520 Yeah. And that's something that as a husband, you know, I'm still learning.

00:09:57.200 And guys, if you're watching the video version, there is a fly that keeps landing on my cup and I'm going to fight it to the death and I will win after the show.

00:10:05.440 Um, but yeah, this, this is, uh, you know, this is why as a husband, I kind of want to preface

00:10:12.820 this lesson with a couple of things. One is that we need to, to recognize, know our wives and how

00:10:18.780 they walk through trials. We need to be gentle. We need to be, um, sensitive. We need to be curious, 0.98

00:10:26.040 uh, like, Hey, what's going on? Like I asked Veronica that probably every day, like,

00:10:31.600 yeah and he knows that also that if I'm actually verbalizing something like my elbows are actually

00:10:37.940 just really hurting me really bad right now then that's something that's been happening for a while

00:10:42.920 and it has to hurt bad enough for me to say something yeah and I'm also working on just

00:10:47.160 being clear and getting better at saying something before it's a worse issue yeah and guys you also

00:10:55.480 a couple things don't don't talk to your wife the way that you would talk to another brother

00:10:59.000 or another man that just don't do that.

00:11:02.260 You actually have to talk to her in a different way,

00:11:03.780 be curious in a different way.

00:11:05.280 You have to change that kind of behavior in us

00:11:07.700 to walk that way through those trials.

00:11:09.840 And so we have to remember, again, we're one flesh.

00:11:12.540 You know, you approach her incorrectly,

00:11:14.560 you hurt her, you hurt you because you're one flesh.

00:11:17.120 You walk appropriately with her

00:11:18.920 and you help heal her through God's truth

00:11:22.160 and through pushing her closer to Christ.

00:11:24.220 Then you heal her, you heal you.

00:11:26.420 We're one flesh.

00:11:27.340 And so I'm going to give you guys just two scriptures today that really we've walked to walk through.

00:11:32.200 I've personally leaned on as a man and two concepts that I think are really important for us.

00:11:37.740 And because this is, you know, the husbands, I'll probably talk a little bit more than Veronica today, but she'll be chiming in here periodically.

00:11:46.060 I want to read this scripture, but first thing I want to talk about is that the first thing is vision.

00:11:51.540 We have to have vision in these circumstances.

00:11:54.320 And what I mean by that is that we have to train our wives and our families, and ourselves even, but train our wives and our families to view trials the way that Scripture views trials.

00:12:05.620 And so, again, we're conforming our minds to the truth, the Word of God.

00:12:10.060 We have to view trials the way that Scripture views trials.

00:12:13.440 And so, these two passages that I put together that are about trials, you've probably heard them before.

00:12:17.400 We're going to read them, and I'm going to break them down for you guys.

00:12:20.460 James 1, 2 through 4.

00:12:22.840 It says,

00:12:24.020 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials,

00:12:28.380 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.

00:12:31.720 But let patience have its perfect work,

00:12:34.340 that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.

00:12:38.460 Okay, so a couple things.

00:12:41.780 Joy, have joy in your trials. 0.98

00:12:44.040 Veronica's laughing at this fly.

00:12:45.560 I can't get over it, sorry.

00:12:47.360 I'm trying not to laugh.

00:12:48.800 It's okay.

00:12:50.080 And so joy doesn't mean that we have to be cavalier about our trials, like that we have to kind of, you know, like have joy through it.

00:12:57.400 Like you're almost denying the reality of the trial.

00:12:59.500 That's not what that scripture means.

00:13:02.360 It's talking about to have an eternal perspective on trials.

00:13:06.560 That's what we're called to have as Christians, have eternal perspective on trials.

00:13:10.660 And the result of trials is that it strengthens our faith.

00:13:15.160 Now, our faith as Christians is the most important thing you have.

00:13:19.240 Okay, it's the most important thing that you have is your faith in Christ, and a trial, according to scriptures, strengthens that.

00:13:27.240 And so when you have an eternal perspective, when you have a biblical perspective, you can look at your trials as instruments of creating and strengthening the most precious thing that you own, that you have, that is yours, and that is your faith.

00:13:45.360 And when you realize that, it actually really helps you walk through that.

00:13:50.580 So I think that's what he's talking about.

00:13:51.660 We'll talk a little bit more about what that means here.

00:13:55.180 Yeah.

00:13:55.440 So I would say that like when you're walking through a trial and you're experiencing pain and suffering,

00:14:01.240 immediately your focus gets pulled inward and you start looking at yourself.

00:14:06.460 Yeah, your flesh.

00:14:07.120 Yeah, your flesh. 0.97

00:14:08.220 And you, um, so spouses need to constantly be reminding each other of the eternal value 0.92

00:14:16.140 in the trial.

00:14:18.140 Yeah.

00:14:18.440 Yeah.

00:14:18.600 Cause if you don't have that eternal value, what it does is again, you have, you have a

00:14:22.800 pain and you just immediately start focusing on your, focusing on yourself.

00:14:25.340 Actually, we were over at, um, our friend's house tonight and, um, we were talking about

00:14:30.760 how we're just going through some of these afflictions and Veronica cooked this giant

00:14:35.100 meal for our friends that just had a baby, had their fourth baby.

00:14:37.760 And we delivered that meal over to them. And my friend Aaron said, you know, I think servanthood is one of the greatest ways to to overcome a trial.

00:14:48.700 It's because it takes the focus off of you and it puts it on to something else.

00:14:54.000 God's work for you. Prayer, again, takes it off of you and focuses on on God.

00:14:59.640 The truth, it does that as well. And so additionally, that scripture, I want to read it again just because it says,

00:15:06.180 count it all joy when you fall into various trials,

00:15:08.960 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.

00:15:11.400 But patience, let patience have its perfect work,

00:15:14.320 that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.

00:15:18.600 So this is saying that trials are actually a part of spiritual completion.

00:15:23.840 You actually need to look at that,

00:15:25.300 that suffering will somehow make us more like Christ.

00:15:28.800 It's a very difficult concept to understand,

00:15:31.060 but we got to remember that Christ chose to go to the cross.

00:15:35.700 He chose to go to the cross.

00:15:37.300 And if we want to be like Christ, we know that we will suffer.

00:15:40.180 We know that we will have trials.

00:15:41.540 We are living in a broken world.

00:15:44.560 And secondly, I wanted to say a woman's ability to stand in her trials

00:15:51.420 is actually a really great evidence of the authenticity and the reality of her faith.

00:15:59.740 Even more so than a man's, in my opinion.

00:16:02.120 Because a man can walk through trials and kind of logic his way through them, can actually stuff things down.

00:16:11.000 You actually see this.

00:16:12.280 Men have a unique ability in war to week after week, month after month, year after year can fight and see terrifying things over and over and over. 0.62

00:16:23.080 And that's just not biologically generally true for a woman because they see things through their emotional lens.

00:16:29.140 And so when a woman can actually take control of her emotions through the power of the Holy Spirit, through the truth of God, it's a big deal to other women.

00:16:40.020 It's a big deal for her to represent Christ in that trial to other women in comparison to maybe a man who's kind of stuffing it or ignoring it or denying it or logically pushing himself through that.

00:16:54.220 yeah I would say like we have to remember is Christians that our public

00:17:00.260 fear and worry can diminish our Christian witness yeah not just not just

00:17:05.220 women men and women our public fear can can diminish our Christian witness and

00:17:10.380 the Bible says that God does not give us a spirit of fear but he gives us a

00:17:14.660 spirit of power love in a sound mind so as Christians we have hope yep we have

00:17:22.380 hope to the truth that is found in the word yep to god's promises christians we can suffer in hope

00:17:29.100 yeah this is a big deal we can suffer in hope and yeah when you're walking in fear and anxiety and

00:17:35.780 worry and people are watching you and you call yourself a christian people are going okay so

00:17:41.820 so wait what where's your god now not saying that you don't get to have yeah i was gonna say it's

00:17:48.540 not like don't think that like i'm this perfect person that i've that i don't struggle with these

00:17:52.980 things because i've definitely had moments of fear the past several weeks and um anxiety and i we

00:17:59.960 yeah we all experience these things especially when you just found out that you've got a disease

00:18:03.480 or cancer whatever it is that you have going on um but it's so important to allow your spouse to

00:18:09.680 speak those truths into your life um because we need to be reminded of those things because when

00:18:16.360 we're walking through those trials you're so inward focused um although I try very hard to

00:18:23.500 I like to think that I'm not inward focused because I just shut down I don't say anything

00:18:28.520 um but yeah I mean when you're facing physical pain and trials you are that you're thinking

00:18:35.280 about those things and so you're you as your spouse you need to allow them to speak that into

00:18:40.920 you well and you can you can have pain without fear you can have pain and difficulty without

00:18:50.000 worry um now these are things to master over a lifetime and and you know i don't think christ

00:18:57.000 was afraid or worrisome i think he stood there in in perfect understanding of i'm going to walk

00:19:05.400 out God's plan for my life, which is to go to the cross. And so I think we just need to realize that

00:19:11.620 our job is to make sure that when people are watching us, our kids are watching us, that we

00:19:16.940 can walk through with hope. We can walk through these things with joy. It does not diminish the

00:19:24.680 pain. It does not diminish the difficulty. One thing that I often say is that the difficulty

00:19:31.280 to give obedience doesn't remove the duty of obedience and we need to remember that um yeah

00:19:37.080 we still need to walk in the spirit yeah regardless of our circumstances and this just reminds me this

00:19:42.460 is scripture i try and have memorized as best as i can so i may butcher it a little bit but it's one

00:19:48.620 that i remind myself of so often um in philippians it says do all things without complaining or

00:19:54.820 disputing that you may become harmless blameless children of god that you may shine are in the 0.51

00:20:00.040 midst of a crooked and perverse generation so that you may shine as lights in the world um so

00:20:05.000 anyway that's a paraphrased version exactly it's yeah people are watching yeah people are watching

00:20:11.340 um so this next scripture we're going to talk about is romans 5 3 through 5 um this is another

00:20:19.760 just discussion on trials so the first one is written by james this one's written by paul

00:20:25.920 And he says,

00:20:26.520 But we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance, and perseverance, character, and character, hope.

00:20:35.620 Now, hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

00:20:43.440 All right.

00:20:44.540 That's a pretty thick theological piece of scripture right there.

00:20:48.640 I'm going to try to break that down a little bit.

00:20:50.020 the sufferings we endure are an advertisement of Christ's power in us, okay? The sufferings

00:20:58.560 that we endure are the power of Christ in us, and so I try to constantly help Veronica

00:21:05.740 recognize that. Now, she does this with me as well, but, you know, when she's walking through

00:21:12.120 these trials, I'm just reminding her, oh gosh, like, remember what these trials do for us.

00:21:18.140 Remember that the Lord has a plan for us.

00:21:21.660 And we've been doing these Instagram posts and sharing our story

00:21:25.440 and sharing just Veronica's posture in these things.

00:21:28.800 She did that post about her and her friend who had the baby 0.67

00:21:31.320 in the midst of her having the miscarriage. 0.99

00:21:33.300 And what it is, is again, it's advertising the power that Christians have 0.74

00:21:36.920 in the midst of trials that the world doesn't have. 1.00

00:21:40.360 They're hopeless when they walk that way.

00:21:42.340 It's a very sad thing.

00:21:44.260 And so this is why it says in that scripture,

00:21:47.840 But we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulations produce perseverance.

00:21:52.860 We don't glory because of our own ability to get through these trials.

00:21:55.540 We glory because Christ has given us the ability to get through these trials.

00:22:01.160 And that's something to glory in.

00:22:03.960 It's Christ's power in us.

00:22:06.120 And James and Paul are obviously aligned in this scripture because they both talk about trials are for refining.

00:22:13.040 And I mean, I can't tell you how many times I've talked to Veronica about what are we learning.

00:22:17.840 And she does this with me, too.

00:22:19.000 Like, what are we learning here?

00:22:20.220 Like, why does God have us here?

00:22:21.980 Why is God allowing these things to happen to us?

00:22:23.860 We know that God doesn't cause these things for us,

00:22:26.540 but does allow these things to happen to us.

00:22:27.940 Like, why is this going on?

00:22:29.120 They're refining for us.

00:22:31.320 And if you don't realize that,

00:22:33.420 then your trials as a Christian, as a couple,

00:22:35.680 whatever you walk through,

00:22:36.740 they're going to just be like meaningless sufferings.

00:22:40.180 And that is not the biblical perspective to have on trials.

00:22:45.880 And with this perspective, you know, and I've talked to Veronica about this.

00:22:51.500 Veronica talks to me about this.

00:22:52.460 But we walk through as a couple that we can have hope in these trials.

00:22:56.520 And hope that, you know, God works together all things for good for those who love him.

00:23:02.820 We can have hope in that.

00:23:04.860 And even if it means death, we can have hope in that.

00:23:09.160 That our story would be used for the refining of faith of others.

00:23:15.100 We are building our testimony as we are walking through these trials for even trials that are coming even in the future.

00:23:25.040 Yeah, this year's trials, because of our biblical perspective and because of our faith, I think that our faith is pretty strong.

00:23:34.160 It's actually strengthened us.

00:23:36.020 It hasn't weakened us.

00:23:37.580 where earlier on in our marriage it probably i feel like when things would come our way earlier

00:23:43.820 on in our marriage we'd almost get like defensive or something even though it wasn't necessarily

00:23:47.260 either one of our our faults it would we just be like we'd almost like butt heads more and

00:23:54.160 we weren't we didn't see us um our union is like a team yeah and so um a trial would like

00:24:02.980 emphasize these like anger points or defensiveness or whatever. Yeah. And walking through those

00:24:09.520 trials earlier on in our marriage has actually made us more mature. And so it's helped us to

00:24:14.560 walk through our current trials in maturity. Um, and our territory to minister has actually grown.

00:24:23.280 Totally. I mean, this has been a huge thing is that we, we've walked some pretty hard stuff the

00:24:28.460 last, I mean, the last 10 years of our life, but also in just this last year, it's been hard to

00:24:33.560 walk through. We've cried a lot. Yeah. And I think it's also just be also because we have three young

00:24:38.960 kids that are still so dependent on us. Um, it's, it's made it more challenging. If we're walking

00:24:45.860 through this without, um, our children, maybe it wouldn't be as challenging. I don't know. I think

00:24:50.420 it's hard either way, but those are our circumstances. These trials have been, you're

00:24:54.340 Not just, like, we've shared in each other's sufferings together.

00:24:58.520 That's for sure.

00:24:59.700 And, guys, I've had some moments.

00:25:01.020 Like, I'm not a guy.

00:25:02.200 I'll cry at movies, like, because, you know, I cried at cool runnings.

00:25:06.520 Okay, guys?

00:25:07.120 True story.

00:25:07.880 True story.

00:25:08.220 But I don't break down because of, like, weight very often.

00:25:14.460 Like, it's too hard or it's too difficult or I'm too fearful or I'm too worried.

00:25:19.380 Like, that happens, like, once every time.

00:25:21.140 You can carry a heavy load.

00:25:22.780 I can carry a heavy load.

00:25:23.600 and this year man there was a day when we were just down and i had when we had the flu 21 days

00:25:31.740 we had the flu i had a fever for 11 days and it wasn't just me down it was both of us down on top

00:25:36.000 of all the kids down um ambulance called to our house make sure veronica's breathing was okay i

00:25:40.880 mean it was bad i was in the hospital because they thought i had a pulmonary embolism like it was

00:25:44.700 all bad and um i remember i called my buddy and i just broke down i'm like dude like like that's

00:25:52.420 how far we've been this year, and I just go, Lord, are you just refining us for ministry to understand

00:25:57.280 what it's like to suffer, to be able to empathize with the broken? Maybe. I'll tell you that's been

00:26:04.100 the result. We've been able to do that. We know what it's like. So anyways, this has been a tough

00:26:13.460 year. So a couple things. The first point we made was vision, right? The vision point was we must

00:26:19.240 train our wives and our families as men as husbands to view trials the same way

00:26:26.000 scripture views trials now the second point I want to make today is under the

00:26:30.420 the category of order and it's that trials reveal our inability as a husband

00:26:36.920 as a leader as a man to meet our wives deepest needs they actually reveal that

00:26:44.600 that we're not qualified to meet their deepest needs and that we actually need to not take the

00:26:52.180 place of Christ in these trials, which is pretty difficult for some men, especially a guy like me

00:26:57.440 who wants to just be the fixer and the problem solver. And, um, you've gotten a lot better at

00:27:03.600 that, but it's taken a lot, a lot of work. And Philippians four, nine is a scripture that I

00:27:09.280 turn to this and it says, and my God shall supply all your need according to his riches and glory

00:27:17.140 by Christ Jesus. So that's Paul's talking to you saying, my God shall supply your need.

00:27:24.080 Like he's going to supply the need for us to get through trials. And I have to remember that as a

00:27:29.140 man, as a husband, that it's not me who's going to supply the need. Now I have a role in this

00:27:36.580 process, but it's not me. And when pain hits, it's natural to turn to each other. And I think

00:27:44.060 that's an important part of the pain process, but it's not the only part of the pain process.

00:27:49.580 And it's not, it's not like, I think many marriages, 95% of it is turning to each other

00:27:56.000 and 5% maybe to God, but it actually needs to be much more. We need to be the minimal

00:28:00.620 part of that process. And we need to realize that we're incapable of actually meeting the

00:28:09.200 real healing, the real perspective. And one thing I thought of earlier when I was writing the notes

00:28:16.780 for this is that we're not the savior of our home. We are the pastor of our home as men. We are not

00:28:22.700 the savior of our home. We are the pastor of our home. We are to be pointing our wives to Christ.

00:28:27.760 We are not to be pointing her to our ideas.

00:28:30.820 We're to be pointing her to the scriptures and his truth.

00:28:33.320 We're not to be pointing them to confide solely in us,

00:28:38.420 but to be confiding solely in God.

00:28:41.380 Or not, I don't say solely in God, but in God through prayer.

00:28:45.320 And so Veronica has been asking me about stuff and I'll, you know,

00:28:48.400 sharing her heart and I'll go, hey, yeah, why don't you get back in the word?

00:28:52.220 Why don't you read this?

00:28:52.920 What are you reading right now?

00:28:53.740 What are you learning?

00:28:54.620 Or, hey, why don't you, have you been praying?

00:28:56.040 And we've been praying a lot more together.

00:28:57.380 And just constantly, it's hard.

00:28:59.440 Like the guy teaching about it here, me, struggles doing this.

00:29:03.540 And so we as men need to realize that it's not us.

00:29:07.200 It's not our ideas.

00:29:08.760 We need to point our wives towards Christ.

00:29:12.120 And so those are the two scriptures that have really helped us.

00:29:17.640 And that biblical perspective on trials.

00:29:20.960 We need to have Job's perspective.

00:29:24.060 the Lord gives and the Lord takes away

00:29:26.640 blessed be the name of the Lord

00:29:28.380 and

00:29:30.440 when you get to a mature

00:29:32.120 perspective

00:29:33.440 you can not only

00:29:35.500 thank God in the

00:29:38.600 storm but you can

00:29:40.600 actually get to thank God for

00:29:42.640 the storm

00:29:43.140 not in a morbid way

00:29:45.500 not like you're a masochist you know where you like to 0.72

00:29:48.540 be trialed like hit with things

00:29:50.540 you know like that's not what we're talking about

00:29:52.980 But you can actually have this eternal perspective

00:29:55.200 that you go, man, these trials, they're refining me.

00:29:58.020 They're making us stronger as a couple.

00:29:59.980 And that's important.

00:30:02.880 So yeah, heavy way to end.

00:30:05.820 But we're going to move over to a question section.

00:30:10.240 And this is something that we do.

00:30:11.120 We answer a question.

00:30:13.080 Every single episode, answer a question

00:30:15.140 from people that write us these questions.

00:30:16.700 And we usually do two,

00:30:17.800 but some of these shows have been a little bit longer.

00:30:19.280 So I've been limiting them to one

00:30:20.520 because they're heavy questions.

00:30:21.360 So all that Veronica started off.

00:30:22.860 Yeah.

00:30:23.000 And if you guys have any questions that you would like us to hit, um, that is, you know,

00:30:27.560 generally for most married couples, not necessarily pinpointed to one specific personal issue,

00:30:33.980 go ahead and email them over, um, at support at ultimate marriage.com.

00:30:39.600 So for this week's question, it is what advice would you give about close friendships with

00:30:46.560 the opposite sex outside of your marriage?

00:30:49.020 Okay, I'm going to let you start, even though it's not in our notes, about what our rule is.

00:30:53.720 And then I'll give you kind of the backstory of our theology on that. 0.96

00:30:57.480 Yeah, so Dale and I have a rule that we are just never to be alone with the opposite sex. 1.00

00:31:03.820 And it's, yeah. 0.96

00:31:04.720 It's not like a blood relative or something.

00:31:06.140 Yeah, I mean, like, yeah, my dad is one thing.

00:31:08.500 Yeah, brother or something like that.

00:31:09.120 Yeah, but, and it's not because we don't trust each other.

00:31:12.340 We totally trust each other.

00:31:15.180 It's just to be proactive in protecting our marriage. 0.74

00:31:18.240 Yeah, and, you know, Billy Graham, I think he was famous for, if there was a woman in the elevator, he would wait for the next elevator.

00:31:28.140 Like, he was that proactive about protecting his marriage, his image.

00:31:33.960 You know, today, it's pretty easy.

00:31:35.560 You know, you take a photo with a girl who's not your wife, and then all of a sudden, it's turned into something else.

00:31:43.620 And then there's this internet evidence of you with this girl somewhere, even though your wife's sitting over there, not in the photo.

00:31:50.700 I know Kirk Cameron doesn't take a photo with any women unless there's at least two people in the photo other than him.

00:31:57.260 And make sure that there's people in the background so it doesn't look like they're in a private place.

00:32:01.840 And so just being proactive about that kind of stuff.

00:32:04.460 Protect your marriage.

00:32:05.900 Yeah, we actually have friends.

00:32:08.140 It's the same friends we keep talking about.

00:32:09.400 We had dinner with them tonight.

00:32:10.220 one of them went into took his son to the pediatrician's office their pediatrician

00:32:17.560 happens to be a woman and naturally doctors just walk in the office you know they close the door

00:32:21.100 behind him he goes he goes hey actually do you mind just when that door cracked do you mind

00:32:24.360 leaving it open and she you know she didn't ask why she was just like oh yeah sure like kind of

00:32:30.180 weird but she was just being proactive and protecting his marriage and it's just something

00:32:34.360 that as a wife is really appreciated. Yeah. And it's very hard. Um, and I know it's almost

00:32:40.280 maybe impossible for certain people, you have meetings with certain people, but just having

00:32:44.700 that heart is what you need to be having that heart. And, um, so I want to say a couple of

00:32:49.160 things. Um, every affair in the history of affairs begins with someone that's in a marriage,

00:32:55.460 having a relationship with someone else of the opposite sex. That's how every affair happens. 0.87

00:33:00.620 So just know that right there.

00:33:04.020 So is it like, are you serious?

00:33:06.960 Like really?

00:33:07.460 Like not having any relationship?

00:33:08.620 Like, well, I'm just letting you know, every single affair happens that way. 0.99

00:33:11.620 It's a relationship outside of marriage with the opposite sex. 1.00

00:33:14.760 So don't be cavalier about it. 1.00

00:33:17.960 Be very much serious about it because that's how affairs happen.

00:33:23.900 And don't ask the question, what's wrong with it? 0.98

00:33:28.140 Like, if you're that posture as a Christian of like, 0.66

00:33:31.540 like, well, like, why can't we do that? 1.00

00:33:33.140 Like, what's wrong with it?

00:33:34.620 You know, when it comes to anything,

00:33:36.580 whether it's drinking or smoking marijuana

00:33:39.100 or whatever it is, what's wrong with it?

00:33:41.260 If you have that posture,

00:33:42.500 that's the wrong posture to have. 1.00

00:33:44.000 The other posture you should have as a Christian is, 0.95

00:33:46.900 will this glorify Christ?

00:33:49.280 Will this make me more Christ-like?

00:33:51.120 Will this honor my wife?

00:33:53.160 And you're constantly looking through the lens

00:33:55.040 of what will bring me closer

00:33:57.440 to Jesus and his way of living. Not like, how close can I get to the canyon before I fall in?

00:34:03.760 Those are the two perspectives you need to have, or that exists, and you need to have the one

00:34:08.740 that's about being more like Christ. Monogamy, I think about, is not just this oneness, this one

00:34:17.480 relationship is not just physical, it's spiritual, it's mental, it's emotional. And so when you're

00:34:22.820 giving yourself away to another as a man to another woman in an emotional way because you're

00:34:28.620 sharing moments together passing back and forth eye contact and listening of really important

00:34:35.220 things that you're not doing with your wife or doing also with your wife it's just a weird thing

00:34:39.400 to me I think it's just risky it's risky dangerous it's it's it's very intimate you're being intimate

00:34:45.680 in a relationship. So, um, just something to think about. Um, um, temptation arises during

00:34:53.560 marital conflict. That's when it arises. Um, so yeah, when you have a, you know, you have some

00:34:59.620 sort of dilemma with your wife, you're not receiving what you crave, but your friend

00:35:05.420 happens to be delivering that to you. That's exactly how it happens. Don't be naive to these

00:35:10.820 things. A couple things that I want to mention is that nobody should have a work wife. If you 1.00

00:35:17.820 are a work husband, if you have that going on, it's bad news. Get rid of it. No one should be

00:35:22.900 having a, oh, he's just a flirtatious personality or she's just a flirtatious personality. People 1.00

00:35:27.980 who flirt with the opposite sex and you're married, you don't love your spouse the way

00:35:33.780 you need to be loving your spouse. It's not okay. And so having that kind of truth perspective is 0.82

00:35:38.260 really important. And again, this is just the rule that we have. People who are much stronger than

00:35:46.180 you, much wiser than you, know the scriptures more than you have fallen. And that is a sobering

00:35:52.960 reality to remember. Yeah. And something else I'll share really quick is just that it's not

00:35:58.400 that you can't like have any male guy friends. I have male guy friends, but I'm also very close

00:36:05.120 with their wives and I don't text them if I do need to contact them for any reason I will attach

00:36:10.860 their wife to the text or I'll attach Dale to the text and I don't hang out with them one-on-one

00:36:17.560 but we were at dinner with our friends tonight and I would consider Aaron a friend Aaron a friend

00:36:24.780 yeah but yeah I'm not going to go out to coffee with him yeah there's no private relationship

00:36:29.740 yeah exactly it's all four of us that are in a relationship is a friendship um yeah good

00:36:35.140 clarification it's not that you can't have any other friends of the opposite sex it's just that

00:36:38.780 you have them in a corporate manner um in a in a marital manner because we're one and so yeah

00:36:44.580 that's one thing is that yeah copy your spouse on the text message train and all of our friends are

00:36:49.140 that way or that way too they they have respect if jen needed to text you for some reason she

00:36:54.080 would attach me to the text or she would attach aaron to the text yeah and it's not being like

00:36:57.660 that she doubts uh any integrity in our behalf it's it's just proactive and honestly yeah if i

00:37:04.300 if i were to get a text that way that i knew was directed for dale and i was attached to it i

00:37:08.680 wouldn't even respond to it i just like okay like that's conversation over there yeah and the same

00:37:14.400 thing is true i mean as a pastor i'm meeting we have young single girls in our church and i don't

00:37:20.460 meet with them by myself i meet with them with veronica i attach them to the text messages i

00:37:25.200 If they write me an Instagram, I try to respond with Veronica attaching the Instagram message.

00:37:31.400 And so just being proactive about that kind of stuff is very important.

00:37:36.300 So that'll answer that question.

00:37:37.920 It's a heavy one and a pretty common one.

00:37:40.100 Let you read the memory verse for the week.

00:37:43.400 So this week's memory verse is Romans 5, 3 through 4.

00:37:47.800 But we also glory in tribulations, knowing that the tribulation produces perseverance

00:37:53.100 and perseverance character and character hope amen amen that's very encouraging so remember that

00:37:59.300 guys um again that's romans 5 3 through 4 we like you guys to memorize and remember the just

00:38:06.120 these passages of scripture these truths it's important there isn't a mature christian out

00:38:11.440 there that doesn't memorize scripture you need to be able to have the scripture in your mind to call

00:38:16.960 on in the moments when you need them and you can't do that if you don't know it if you haven't

00:38:21.220 memorized it um okay last thing before we close up shop um guys our show has continued to grow

00:38:30.020 on the charts um it's still a top 50 top 100 depending on the day uh podcast in the christian

00:38:38.240 category out of over 50 000 podcasts so we just again thank you for that um and uh if you guys

00:38:46.620 again would leave a review on itunes that would be a huge help just tap the stars and again go to

00:38:52.280 ultimate marriage.com and you can check out our year-long marriage mentor program that opens up

00:38:58.160 twice per year and you guys can get on the wait list if you just go to ultimate marriage.com

00:39:02.840 forward slash notify you can actually get on that wait list we have 370 couples that are in our

00:39:09.360 current program we're going to open it again and then also if you want to check out our marriage

00:39:14.200 retreats that's on our website as well we do marriage retreats twice a year in person up here

00:39:19.340 in Oregon those are really fun and then again you can see all the notes of this podcast everything

00:39:24.260 that we pretty much said available for you guys just by clicking the podcast this is episode number

00:39:29.660 eight and that's it good night since it's almost 10 o'clock over here yeah we're recording this at

00:39:38.820 10 o'clock at night our kids are asleep so again thanks for joining us guys take care

00:39:44.200 Thank you for joining us on this episode of Ultimate Marriage.

00:39:48.400 If you're homesick for a stronger marriage, visit our website at ultimatemarriage.com

00:39:52.520 and consider enrolling in our one-year online marriage mentor program.

00:39:56.220 Also, if you're interested in learning more about building a better marriage,

00:39:59.160 follow Veronica and I on social media,

00:40:00.960 where each week we share tips, tricks, and lessons on building a biblical marriage.

00:40:14.200 Transcription by CastingWords

Dale Partridge - August 29, 2018

Ultimate Marriage #8： How to Walk With Your Wife Through Fear, Trial, and Tribulation

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