Dan Martell - How To Raise Successful Kids To Be Winners

00:00:00.000 Hey there, I'm Dan Martell,

00:00:01.040 serial entrepreneur, investor, and creator of SaaS Academy.

00:00:03.000 In this episode, I'm gonna share with you

00:00:04.400 how to raise successful kids to be winners.

00:00:07.080 And I know you're like, who is this guy

00:00:08.560 and why is he telling me about how to raise my kids?

00:00:10.960 Trust me, I'm going to break down things

00:00:13.240 that I've learned the hard way

00:00:15.280 from people that are way smarter than me.

00:00:17.800 And be sure to stay at the end

00:00:18.600 where I'm gonna tell you how to get access

00:00:19.940 to my micro doc called The Integrated Family,

00:00:23.260 where my wife who created The Family Academy

00:00:25.620 is gonna share with you the very specific cadences

00:00:28.880 and rhythms and strategies that we use

00:00:30.580 to essentially manage our household.

00:00:32.680 Let's get into it.

00:00:45.980 So this is crazy, but as an entrepreneur

00:00:49.100 and a successful wealthy person,

00:00:52.140 my biggest fear having kids for a long time

00:00:55.360 was that I wasn't gonna be present for them

00:00:58.660 or when I have kids that I would inadvertently create

00:01:02.760 and raise entitled children.

00:01:04.440 That is literally, and for a long time,

00:01:06.300 I was like, maybe I'm not meant to have children.

00:01:08.320 Maybe I shouldn't.

00:01:09.260 Maybe like my drive and my obsession

00:01:11.740 would be literally the worst circumstance

00:01:14.460 to have kids into.

00:01:16.420 And here's what I discovered.

00:01:17.980 My children have become the biggest blessing and gift to me.

00:01:21.700 I mean, I still remember when Max was first born

00:01:24.160 that there was this experience in this moment

00:01:26.480 where I realized that for the first time in my life,

00:01:28.660 I'm responsible for something that's gonna be around

00:01:32.060 way past my time here on earth,

00:01:33.740 which was just in a beautiful realization.

00:01:36.260 And it made me dig deep and ask myself,

00:01:39.180 like, what are these beliefs?

00:01:40.400 What are these behaviors that I have

00:01:42.460 that aren't gonna support them?

00:01:43.720 How do I want to show up as a father?

00:01:46.040 How do I wanna raise my kids?

00:01:48.040 How do I wanna co-parent with my wife? 1.00

00:01:50.540 And we went down the path of reading the books,

00:01:53.080 hiring the experts. 0.56

00:01:54.340 And I'll tell you, we had our freaking challenges,

00:01:56.460 like everything from having to hire a sleep training expert

00:01:59.840 to hiring somebody to help us coordinate our lives

00:02:03.580 so that we could both be driven entrepreneurs

00:02:06.080 at the same time, be incredibly present

00:02:08.320 and caring parents, you know?

00:02:10.720 And I've had incredible mentors,

00:02:12.640 guys like Stu McLaren,

00:02:14.100 who's just an incredible human being,

00:02:15.380 Todd Herman, who wrote The Alter Ego,

00:02:17.000 Garrett Gunderson, who has this whole like family crest

00:02:19.680 and family value strategy.

00:02:21.160 These friends of mine have really inspired me

00:02:24.780 to step up my parenthood

00:02:28.140 so that I could be the best version

00:02:30.020 and expression for my kids.

00:02:31.660 What I wanna share with you

00:02:32.760 is 100% me standing on the shoulders of giants

00:02:35.400 and I'm gonna teach you the big takeaways

00:02:37.200 I learned from these incredible experts

00:02:39.940 and mentors to help me raise kids that today,

00:02:43.460 yes, they go through challenges,

00:02:45.560 but I'm telling you,

00:02:46.640 the downs are not as long anymore.

00:02:49.060 The opportunity, the way they're showing up,

00:02:51.220 the way they're developing as little boys

00:02:52.900 is incredibly amazing.

00:02:55.200 So I have two little boys, they're seven and eight today,

00:02:57.300 but I'm gonna share with you the lessons that I've learned

00:02:59.820 that I think are quite unique.

00:03:01.300 You've probably never heard them before

00:03:02.420 to really help me shape their ideas

00:03:05.340 and be a great parent for them, monkey see, monkey do.

00:03:08.880 So if your kids are older

00:03:09.840 and you feel like it's two past gone, trust me, it's not.

00:03:12.540 If you haven't had kids yet

00:03:14.260 and you want a good foundation

00:03:15.360 for thinking through how to show up as a parent,

00:03:17.720 you're gonna wanna listen.

00:03:19.160 Here's what I got.

00:03:20.180 Number one, the family name.

00:03:21.840 So one of the things my buddy Todd Herman

00:03:24.220 taught me a long time ago was the idea

00:03:27.320 of what does it mean to be a Martell?

00:03:29.220 What does it mean to be a Herman?

00:03:31.040 And essentially, if you think about it,

00:03:32.580 if you have values, if you want characteristics,

00:03:34.860 if you want behaviors instilled,

00:03:37.360 positive behaviors instilled into your children,

00:03:40.380 then what you need to start talking about at an early age

00:03:43.040 is what does it mean to be a Martell?

00:03:45.160 And I've been doing this since my kids were old enough

00:03:47.420 to really understand language

00:03:48.720 of watching them do things and praising the effort

00:03:53.900 and showing them our actions, my wife and I's actions

00:03:56.780 and saying, this is what Martels do.

00:03:58.880 We do hard things.

00:04:00.340 We try, we take care of our community.

00:04:03.400 We take care of our bodies, health as well.

00:04:05.820 I teach them these things all the time.

00:04:07.760 And I literally wanna ask myself always like,

00:04:10.660 what are the other beliefs that are unspoken?

00:04:12.280 What are the other things that I wanna instill with them?

00:04:14.280 Because honestly, by the time they're born

00:04:16.880 to about 12 or 13,

00:04:18.540 that's where the biggest opportunity is gonna come from.

00:04:20.920 Again, if it's further for you guys,

00:04:22.480 your kids are a lot older, it doesn't change anything.

00:04:24.840 You still have this opportunity,

00:04:26.080 but just ask yourself,

00:04:27.380 what is the identity you want your children to adopt?

00:04:31.240 What do you want them to believe they are

00:04:33.860 or capable of becoming?

00:04:35.580 Or what does it mean to be a Martell?

00:04:37.800 That identity, because your kids will grow into it.

00:04:40.780 They will play into that identity is so powerful.

00:04:43.640 Number two, let the world shape them.

00:04:46.880 So one of the challenges I had was,

00:04:49.820 I grew up in a really challenging environment,

00:04:51.800 had exposure to a lot of trauma growing up as a kid,

00:04:56.200 ended up in foster care and social care,

00:04:58.280 and even ended up in jail a couple of times,

00:05:00.700 all before the age of 17.

00:05:03.240 And I ended up having to go to rehab

00:05:05.040 and I literally transformed my life, okay?

00:05:07.680 And I always thought the success I have today

00:05:09.840 is because I went through so much chaos

00:05:11.360 and I was able to become the person who can overcome that,

00:05:15.360 that I was worried that if my kids grew up in a world

00:05:17.800 that's more like bubble wrap and safe

00:05:21.960 and all these things that they wouldn't develop

00:05:23.940 that ability to overcome adversity.

00:05:26.180 Here's what I've discovered very quickly

00:05:28.680 when we used to bring them to daycare,

00:05:30.320 when they were two years old, three years old,

00:05:32.380 is watching the amount of parents

00:05:34.260 that protected their children, that did stuff for them,

00:05:37.100 that literally like did everything for them.

00:05:40.500 And what I decided at that age

00:05:41.980 is I'm going to let the world shape them,

00:05:45.000 push them. So for example, kids go get a haircut. They're six and seven years old. Guess what?

00:05:49.360 Here's the money. I'll wait in the car and I'll watch you go to the counter, order the haircut,

00:05:54.280 tell them what you want, sit down, pay them, give them the tip, and then come back in the car.

00:05:58.220 And I'll tell you, when I first did that, the person behind the counter came outside and said,

00:06:01.780 excuse me, these kids want a haircut. I said, yeah. Do you understand what they want? Yeah.

00:06:06.200 You just want me to cut their hair? Uh-huh. Go to the market. Same thing. Here's the money. You

00:06:11.260 want to go buy yourself some chicken? You want to buy yourself something at another booth?

00:06:14.820 go ask them to buy it they've been doing it since they were three years old literally like they

00:06:19.660 couldn't even they kind of give the money kind of give the things people thought it was cute

00:06:22.700 but over time i allowed them to just become their own little people to let the world say no to them

00:06:28.680 to let the world and what happens is when those moments happen those learning opportunities and

00:06:33.560 then when they come to me defeated we talk about the the learning and then also show them that hey

00:06:39.160 you gotta you gotta you gotta be proud of yourself for the effort that you put into it did you try

00:06:44.320 I remember my son, Max, and I went hiking in San Diego up this mountain, and he didn't want to do

00:06:50.600 it. And the whole time, I praised him. I said, dude, this is what Martells do. And I'm proud

00:06:56.000 of you from coming from down there all the way up here. And look, if you want to turn around,

00:07:00.440 I understand. But I know where we can go, and I know it's capable for you. And I'm willing to

00:07:05.480 support you, okay? I'm here for you. And he was crying. I don't want to do this. And I'm like,

00:07:09.340 you want to turn around? He's like, no, but why is it so hard? And he made it to the top. And to

00:07:13.320 this day, four years later, he still brings it up.

00:07:17.120 As when I say, what do Martell's do?

00:07:18.680 And he says, hard things?

00:07:19.560 I said, yep.

00:07:20.500 What's an example?

00:07:21.340 He said, climbing that mountain.

00:07:22.400 And that to me is the opportunity for you

00:07:24.420 to just let the world shape them.

00:07:25.760 Don't protect them.

00:07:27.040 Because once they leave your safe nest,

00:07:30.460 trust me, the world will not be a nice place to them

00:07:32.560 if they don't learn to cope with those challenges

00:07:35.760 in that protective and supportive environment,

00:07:38.240 then when they get out there,

00:07:39.080 they're gonna feel a little lost.

00:07:40.440 Number three, think of their kids.

00:07:42.520 This is a big one.

00:07:43.460 This is when I see friends of mine,

00:07:45.540 sometimes, you know, the truth is,

00:07:46.920 is everybody gets upset.

00:07:48.460 People, you know, scream at their kids,

00:07:50.740 you know, grab their kids off the ground,

00:07:52.600 physically kind of, you know, shake them sometimes

00:07:55.440 or whatever happens.

00:07:56.240 Look, no judgment.

00:07:57.020 Everybody's on their own journey.

00:07:57.920 But here's what I know.

00:07:59.620 If you think about what you do

00:08:01.700 and how you talk to your kids,

00:08:03.060 and I'm speaking to the parents out there

00:08:05.100 that scream at their kids.

00:08:06.500 In the morning, they're running late

00:08:07.860 and they're like screaming like,

00:08:09.140 let's go, why are you lollygagging?

00:08:11.160 Why are you dropping?

00:08:11.700 Like, you know who you are, okay?

00:08:14.540 Here's the deal.

00:08:15.260 Just imagine that one day your kids have kids

00:08:17.800 and you're in their house in the morning

00:08:20.060 and they're screaming at your grandkids.

00:08:22.660 Are you gonna feel proud about that?

00:08:24.380 Are you going to go, yeah, that's the right behavior

00:08:26.580 that my kids should have?

00:08:27.940 No, you're not.

00:08:29.260 You're gonna go, oh my gosh,

00:08:30.920 they're doing exactly what I did.

00:08:32.920 Trust me when I say this, monkey see, monkey do.

00:08:36.320 Everything you do today, how you show up,

00:08:39.060 if you're working out in front of your kids,

00:08:40.520 if you're showing them good work ethic,

00:08:42.120 if you're telling them when you make a mistake

00:08:43.660 and apologizing, all these things are shaping your children

00:08:47.100 into building a set of behaviors

00:08:49.900 that they're going to mirror with their kids.

00:08:53.000 So it's not even about you being a better parent

00:08:55.100 for your kids today, it's about you,

00:08:57.080 if you grew up in a challenging environment

00:08:58.640 and you have bad habits you're exposed to,

00:09:01.380 that you break that lineage today

00:09:03.800 by thinking about you becoming a better version of you

00:09:07.020 for them, for their kids, for their, their kids.

00:09:09.480 At the end of the day, you can be the person

00:09:11.980 that stops all the negative and hurtful

00:09:14.920 and fear-based activity from getting propagated

00:09:19.540 into your genetics, into the mindset,

00:09:21.760 into the behaviors that your kids have with their kids.

00:09:23.800 To me, if that doesn't motivate you, I don't know what does.

00:09:27.120 Because all I know is that if I can make a decision

00:09:29.260 to never scream or swear at my kids,

00:09:31.280 and I know that that will be a habit that they learn

00:09:34.360 to take to my grandkids and my great, great grandkids,

00:09:37.240 that's worth the investment today.

00:09:38.960 Number four, schedule family time.

00:09:41.000 So I know this might sound crazy

00:09:42.760 because some of you guys are like,

00:09:43.620 I can't believe you have to schedule family time.

00:09:45.260 At the end of the day, this is my reality.

00:09:47.120 If it's important to me, it ends up in my calendar.

00:09:50.220 I always tell people, they're like,

00:09:51.360 my kids are important, show me your calendar.

00:09:53.360 Where are they?

00:09:54.220 Where's the family time?

00:09:55.220 Where's the play time?

00:09:56.020 Where's the reading to them time?

00:09:57.660 Where's the weekend getaways?

00:09:59.100 Where is it?

00:10:00.040 It's not in your calendar, guess what?

00:10:01.300 It's not important to you

00:10:02.020 because you know what is in there?

00:10:03.360 Your business meetings and your other meetings

00:10:05.420 and your boys' trips and your other stuff.

00:10:07.840 So to me, important things get put in the calendar first

00:10:11.380 so that everything else doesn't override it.

00:10:13.800 So what does that look like in my life?

00:10:15.460 We have weekly cadences, dinner every night together,

00:10:19.640 you know, date night with my wife,

00:10:21.840 but I do that to show my kids that we're still dating

00:10:24.360 because I think it's important for you to be the example.

00:10:27.100 We do monthly getaways with the kids.

00:10:30.040 We do, Sundays is our hike day.

00:10:32.660 So we spend the whole afternoon,

00:10:33.900 we pick hikes and we do them together as a family.

00:10:36.600 I do board meetings, incredible book, read board meetings, okay?

00:10:40.040 It's an incredible book that for me on a quarterly basis,

00:10:43.320 I do half days dedicated one-on-one with each child

00:10:47.240 because a lot of times kids never get your one-on-one attention.

00:10:50.300 So they're always fighting for it or they, you know,

00:10:52.820 and the board meeting has this beautiful structure at the end

00:10:55.180 where you go for a meal and you ask certain questions.

00:10:56.900 And I just think it's a very important ritual and habit

00:10:59.680 that I've been doing since they were babies

00:11:01.460 that I'm inspired because I know my kids

00:11:04.680 are going to do it with their kids.

00:11:05.680 So put it in your calendar, have a schedule,

00:11:09.460 have the family time dedicated and prioritized.

00:11:12.340 Number five, prioritize connection.

00:11:14.360 So here's how I came up with this realization.

00:11:17.960 You know, a friend of mine asked me this really great

00:11:21.000 powerful series of questions of like, you know

00:11:22.920 if you only had five years to live, what would you change?

00:11:25.280 And then I was like, oh, I'd change this

00:11:26.700 and I prioritize that, cool.

00:11:28.340 And then he said, well, what if you only had one year to live?

00:11:30.520 Whoa, one year, that's 12 months.

00:11:31.920 That's not a lot of time.

00:11:33.480 well, I'd probably change this, change this, change that.

00:11:35.740 And he goes, what if you only had one week to live?

00:11:39.060 Well, that's a heavy question.

00:11:40.880 What would you wanna do in that week?

00:11:42.820 And I say, I'd probably wanna get a big house

00:11:46.220 on the side of a mountain or a beach, maybe both,

00:11:49.020 maybe three days here and four days there.

00:11:50.980 And I'd want to travel with my family

00:11:53.520 and my immediate family.

00:11:55.440 And I'd want during that time to teach them

00:11:57.720 everything I've ever learned about life

00:11:59.600 and tell them my story and maybe solve some conflicts

00:12:02.860 that I might've had with whoever, whatever it was,

00:12:04.980 but that was my one week answer.

00:12:07.640 And then his question to me was,

00:12:09.080 why haven't you done that yet?

00:12:11.280 Ooh, that's a real good question.

00:12:13.240 Why haven't I done that yet?

00:12:14.940 So ever since he shared this with me,

00:12:17.480 probably five or six years ago,

00:12:20.380 the one week with my family has been part of our mantra.

00:12:24.220 So essentially this is what we do every year.

00:12:26.340 We do one week with my family

00:12:29.080 and then one week with my wife's family.

00:12:31.540 And it's just realizing not only dedicating that time, right?

00:12:36.700 So we usually do March break with my family

00:12:38.220 and then the summer vacation with my wife's family.

00:12:40.940 But it's also about asking myself,

00:12:43.740 what do I wanna teach my kids?

00:12:45.700 What do I want to share with my brother-in-law's kids?

00:12:49.540 Or what do I wanna share with my nieces and nephews

00:12:51.960 so that I feel good that I got it out?

00:12:54.700 Because we don't know what tomorrow is gonna bring.

00:12:56.720 We don't know how much time we have left on this earth.

00:12:59.120 and if you can just be more deliberate,

00:13:01.580 even if you got that done in the next,

00:13:03.280 you know, whatever your answer to that,

00:13:04.620 if you only had a week live,

00:13:05.840 you could decide the next two years,

00:13:07.160 what would you want to do with that week

00:13:08.420 and just decide to schedule it and focus on it

00:13:10.900 and get that done because at least,

00:13:14.100 and you don't have to make it a reoccurring thing,

00:13:15.480 you literally do it once,

00:13:16.580 but then now you know, you got it out of your heart.

00:13:18.800 So to me, if you want to raise successful kids to be winners,

00:13:23.060 you have to think about how you invest in them,

00:13:25.680 invest in their connections,

00:13:26.780 how you prioritize that time

00:13:28.700 so that you can be the best expression for them

00:13:31.580 because they're looking at you to be an example.

00:13:34.300 So quick recap, five strategies

00:13:36.520 to raise successful kids to be winners.

00:13:38.700 Number one, the family name.

00:13:40.720 What does it mean to be your family name, the identity?

00:13:44.260 Number two, let the world shape them.

00:13:46.460 Number three, think of their kids.

00:13:48.680 Number four, schedule family time.

00:13:50.720 And number five, prioritize connection.

00:13:53.460 As I mentioned at the beginning of this episode,

00:13:55.220 I wanna share with you the micro doc.

00:13:57.020 It's called the Integrated Family.

00:13:58.780 And it's literally a day in the lives of my wife and I

00:14:01.400 from a few years ago.

00:14:02.480 So we look a little different.

00:14:03.700 Our kids are a lot bigger,

00:14:04.980 but it'll give you a sense of kind of the rhythm and flow

00:14:07.420 of a Saturday morning.

00:14:09.020 And literally that's still to this day,

00:14:11.180 what we do on Saturday and where we spend it

00:14:13.700 and the workouts and the market and all that stuff.

00:14:15.600 It's still true today because we're always refining the flow

00:14:19.020 and building good habits and cadences.

00:14:21.420 And then also check out the Family Academy.

00:14:23.720 It's my wife's side project. 1.00

00:14:25.680 It literally was just her way of answering questions

00:14:27.900 we were getting all the time

00:14:28.880 around how we manage our entrepreneurial lives

00:14:31.260 and our kids and ways to improve that.

00:14:33.860 So the strategies are all on the Family Academy website.

00:14:36.660 So you can click the link below

00:14:37.500 to get access to both of those.

00:14:39.200 And if you liked this video,

00:14:39.980 be sure to subscribe to my channel,

00:14:41.780 share the video with anybody you think you could serve

00:14:44.000 and leave a comment.

00:14:44.880 Let me know if you have any questions.

00:14:46.500 As for usual, I wanna challenge you

00:14:47.820 to live a bigger life and a bigger business

00:14:49.580 and I'll see you next Monday.

00:14:50.480 how to raise successful winners, Sparta!

Dan Martell - February 22, 2021

How To Raise Successful Kids To Be Winners

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