Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - COPS AND ROBBER - EP100: HORNY PERPS

00:00:00.000 Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McInnes.

00:00:20.000 *Music*

00:00:45.000 Hello, welcome back to Get Off My Lawn, a special episode of Cops and Robber.

00:00:51.000 This is a free app, Ryan.

00:00:53.000 Oh! 0.60

00:00:55.000 So, make it free.

00:00:57.000 I don't know if we'll have the whole episode free, but at least some.

00:01:02.000 I played that song, 24-7 Spies, cover of Jungle Boogie, because I assume you all know that in 1989...

00:01:14.000 24-7 spies played Fouin' Electrique in Montreal, and they pulled all the women up on stage. 0.98

00:01:23.000 And I was a 19-year-old feminist at the time, and I didn't like that. 0.87

00:01:28.000 I thought the women were being exploited. 1.00

00:01:30.000 I think they didn't want to get on stage, and he forced them on stage.

00:01:34.000 And that pissed me off as an advocate for women's rights. 0.99

00:01:39.000 So I went to their dressing room, and I stood by the dressing room like this, And as they were leaving the stage, going to the room, I said, Hey!

00:01:50.000 They didn't want to get on stage.

00:01:52.000 It was a New Year's Eve party. 1.00

00:01:54.000 You just fucked up the whole New Year's Eve with that shit. 1.00

00:01:57.000 And a gentleman named P. Fluid punched me in the face. 1.00

00:02:02.000 Very hard.

00:02:03.000 It was one of my early punches in the face. 1.00

00:02:06.000 And as my brain got rattled in my cranium, I realized, oh, when you talk shit to people, there are consequences. 0.99

00:02:15.000 Was it this band behind you, the Jungle Bunnies? 0.99

00:02:18.000 Yes.

00:02:19.000 The Jungle Bunnies were playing, what was it saying?

00:02:22.000 Jungle Bunnies? 0.99

00:02:22.000 Jungle Boogie is the song. 0.99

00:02:25.000 It's a cover.

00:02:25.000 And the band is 24-7 Spies.

00:02:27.000 And the guy who punched me was P. Fluid. 0.98

00:02:30.000 And after he punched me, I thought, mark my words, you're a dead man.

00:02:36.000 And guess what happened?

00:02:38.000 Almost immediately after, today, he was beaten to death in the Bronx.

00:02:44.000 P-fluid lost his life.

00:02:46.000 Today. 1.00

00:02:48.000 So, don't fuck with me! 1.00

00:02:51.000 Okay? 1.00

00:02:53.000 36 years later?

00:02:54.000 The time is not relevant, Matty. 1.00

00:02:57.000 The point is that I said, you're fucked now. 0.99

00:03:01.000 You fucked with the wrong dude. 1.00

00:03:04.000 And... 0.99

00:03:06.000 After, that's all that matters, is that it was after that, he was beaten to death in an alleyway in the Bronx.

00:03:12.000 That's the kind of power I hold.

00:03:15.000 And where have you pee fluid? 1.00

00:03:17.000 If you want to live, don't fuck with me. 1.00

00:03:21.000 If you want to die, punch me in the face as hard as you can. 1.00

00:03:26.000 Welcome. 1.00

00:03:27.000 Is that Stiggs at the door?

00:03:29.000 Yeah.

00:03:30.000 Let my Stiggs open the door.

00:03:33.000 Is that for Food Electric?

00:03:36.000 No, it's 1990. I could be off by a year.

00:03:40.000 Where did he get killed at?

00:03:41.000 What part of the Bronx?

00:03:43.000 I don't know.

00:03:44.000 The bad part?

00:03:46.000 It's all bad.

00:03:48.000 Welcome back, Stigs. 1.00

00:03:49.000 Welcome back, Big John.

00:03:52.000 It's snowing out there.

00:03:53.000 It's snowing out here in the South Bronx.

00:03:57.000 Welcome back, Manny O'Dell.

00:03:58.000 You just got a new hairdo.

00:04:00.000 I saw you, what, at 5 p.m.

00:04:02.000 today?

00:04:02.000 Yeah.

00:04:02.000 And you've since got a new heritage.

00:04:04.000 You sent me home from the bar.

00:04:05.000 You said we have to go to the show.

00:04:07.000 I made you spit take today. 1.00

00:04:09.000 Yes, you did.

00:04:09.000 It was very funny.

00:04:11.000 I'm pretty happy with that.

00:04:12.000 As a joking man, your goal is to make someone's drink come out of their nose.

00:04:18.000 And I said to Doggy Style, who should be here. 0.99

00:04:21.000 I don't know where the fuck she is. 1.00

00:04:22.000 I said, hey, you got a new apartment. 1.00

00:04:24.000 Should we christen it with a butt fuck? 1.00

00:04:26.000 And she said, no. 1.00

00:04:29.000 And then I said, how about Kevin?

00:04:31.000 The bartender.

00:04:32.000 As I was taking a sip.

00:04:34.000 And Matty had White Claw coming out of his nose.

00:04:37.000 I don't even find it that funny, but I'll take it.

00:04:39.000 I guess the timing and where Kevin was, I don't know.

00:04:43.000 I found it rather amusing.

00:04:45.000 Dude, something crazy happened at the bar last night.

00:04:48.000 I cannot get it out of my mind.

00:04:51.000 Okay, you know the Geico ad with the caveman?

00:04:56.000 It's so easy even a caveman could do it.

00:04:58.000 And then a caveman sees the ad and he's offended because he's a caveman, right?

00:05:02.000 We're all familiar with this ad?

00:05:03.000 Agreed?

00:05:04.000 Yes. 0.80

00:05:06.000 So we were talking about the Redskins and there was some black dude trying to get in the bartender's pants. 0.98

00:05:12.000 She's a very attractive young lady. 0.96

00:05:14.000 And so when black dudes want to get in the chick's pants, they talk about how race doesn't matter. 1.00

00:05:20.000 It's a good way to butter up the whites. 0.99

00:05:23.000 So you go like, they lost the Redskins name? 1.00

00:05:26.000 That's so dumb. 1.00

00:05:26.000 Now we know you're not an uppity black and I'm going to blow you. 1.00

00:05:30.000 She's engaged. 1.00

00:05:31.000 She's not fucking up, but whatever. 0.98

00:05:32.000 So he's doing that whole bit. 0.99

00:05:35.000 And I go, Indians don't give a fuck about the name Redskins or Chief Pom Pom or whatever all that shit was, the Braves. 0.99

00:05:42.000 That's just, they know there's a currency in it, so they pretended that they're offended. 0.99

00:05:46.000 But, you know, they were polled in the early aughts, like 2% had a problem with the Redskins name.

00:05:51.000 In the, like 10 years ago, it was up to 80% because they knew there was currency in it.

00:05:56.000 I go, it's like the Geico caveman, you know?

00:05:59.000 And then she goes, ready for this?

00:06:01.000 She goes, oh, I hate those ads.

00:06:04.000 Okay, they're pretty funny, but okay.

00:06:07.000 Yeah, he's all offended because he's a caveman.

00:06:11.000 And I'm like, what? 0.86

00:06:13.000 And then the black guy goes, yeah, exactly. 1.00

00:06:15.000 It's so stupid. 1.00

00:06:16.000 Like, show me a caveman. 1.00

00:06:18.000 Show me one caveman that's still around.

00:06:23.000 His dad, maybe?

00:06:24.000 Him?

00:06:25.000 Yeah, look at him. 0.99

00:06:28.000 Isn't that fucking amazing? 0.99

00:06:29.000 I don't even think she was alive. 0.99

00:06:31.000 That's where the story ends?

00:06:32.000 That's the end of the story.

00:06:33.000 That was very anticlimactic.

00:06:34.000 Sounds like you had a real exciting and boring night.

00:06:37.000 You don't think that's amazing that they took that ad seriously?

00:06:40.000 No.

00:06:40.000 I was like, wow, this story is really going someplace.

00:06:42.000 You should close that fucking book. 0.98

00:06:43.000 It's like when I was in Jamaica and the nanny that we had there for our daughter, if she was two at the time, she's 18 now, so this was a while ago, she... 0.99

00:06:51.000 The nanny goes, all these people talking about Santa Claus delivering presents all night.

00:06:56.000 Everyone in the world is getting a present in one night.

00:06:59.000 I don't believe it.

00:07:01.000 She's like 22 years old. 1.00

00:07:03.000 You had a fucking nanny in Jamaica? 1.00

00:07:05.000 You didn't bring her down from the States? 1.00

00:07:08.000 I don't want her in the States. 1.00

00:07:09.000 No, it was a resort.

00:07:11.000 It was like a Sesame Street resort.

00:07:12.000 I think it was called Pebbles in Jamaica.

00:07:15.000 And with your room, you get a built-in nanny. 1.00

00:07:17.000 So she takes your kid away and you can go fuck or whatever. 1.00

00:07:21.000 There you go. 1.00

00:07:23.000 It was great.

00:07:24.000 They were mindful.

00:07:26.000 It was mindful.

00:07:27.000 It was resourceful.

00:07:28.000 I would never do that.

00:07:29.000 I know.

00:07:31.000 I've learned a lot about you.

00:07:33.000 Your stories are terrible and you'll just turn your kid over to anybody.

00:07:36.000 Okay, I beg to differ, sir.

00:07:39.000 A 22-year-old believing in Santa Claus is interesting, and someone thinking that the Geico ad, not getting the bit, that's relevant.

00:07:47.000 Come on. 1.00

00:07:47.000 You're leaving your fucking daughter in the care of a 22-year-old that believes in Santa Claus is the fucking problem. 1.00

00:07:53.000 Do you guys know who his babysitter is now? 1.00

00:07:55.000 No.

00:07:56.000 Me!

00:07:56.000 Oh, my God.

00:07:58.000 Wow. 0.99

00:07:59.000 I need a babysitter who will kill people if they come by the house. 1.00

00:08:03.000 So my babysitter is the former head of the New Rochelle Hells Angels. 0.83

00:08:06.000 I get calls all the time.

00:08:07.000 Are you around?

00:08:08.000 I need a babysitter.

00:08:09.000 Yeah.

00:08:10.000 I don't want some chick guarding my house and my family, my kids. 1.00

00:08:14.000 I need a murderer. 1.00

00:08:15.000 An autistic murderer. 1.00

00:08:17.000 He's autistic? 0.97

00:08:19.000 He's not on a spectrum.

00:08:21.000 Okay.

00:08:22.000 He's not off the spectrum either.

00:08:24.000 Let's start the show, shall we?

00:08:26.000 We shall.

00:08:28.000 My board did the thing where it shorts.

00:08:32.000 You board shorts?

00:08:33.000 My board shorted.

00:08:34.000 Oh, I like those kind of shorts.

00:08:36.000 They're okay.

00:08:37.000 We should probably tell everyone Ryan has quit the show.

00:08:40.000 He's going to work for Sam Hyde.

00:08:43.000 Sam Hyde is doing a show where he sits at a desk and goes through the news.

00:08:47.000 I wanted a change of pace.

00:08:50.000 And that sounds like a fun idea.

00:08:53.000 So he poached Ryan from me.

00:08:55.000 That's the sort of National Enquirer level headline.

00:09:00.000 But really it's move out of New York.

00:09:03.000 It was very inevitable.

00:09:06.000 Needed.

00:09:07.000 Sounds like Ryan's got no loyalty.

00:09:10.000 Yeah, right.

00:09:11.000 Dropped you like a hot potato.

00:09:12.000 Well, I wanted to hire my brother many years ago, but I didn't want to leave Ryan broke and penniless, so I didn't.

00:09:17.000 And now my brother's moved on, and I'm stuck with...

00:09:20.000 No one.

00:09:21.000 No one. 0.99

00:09:22.000 Matty could fucking be your wingman now. 0.99

00:09:24.000 Matty will be my sidekick. 0.99

00:09:27.000 No good deed goes unpunished.

00:09:28.000 Let that be a lesson to you.

00:09:30.000 Today is the free episode.

00:09:32.000 Wait, that's not a poaching, though.

00:09:34.000 I promise you I had to leave New York because of vaccination laws.

00:09:38.000 I don't know.

00:09:41.000 And...

00:09:41.000 There's a new law where they'll open a Child Protective Services file on you if you don't get vaccine, the same amount that a public school.

00:09:48.000 That's actually a kid.

00:09:49.000 But, Ryan, the way you survive in New York City is you have criminals who help you do crimes.

00:09:54.000 Right, but what about the fact that we need a bigger apartment and we're already paying, like, three grand?

00:09:59.000 Well, that's a different subject.

00:10:00.000 You started with vaccinations.

00:10:02.000 Well, no, it's all one big thing.

00:10:05.000 Keep your kids away from Rockland County with all those heaps up there. 0.99

00:10:07.000 They all got those fucking walking around with the measles. 1.00

00:10:10.000 And the mumps. 1.00

00:10:10.000 They got the mumps. 1.00

00:10:12.000 They got every fucking thing. 1.00

00:10:13.000 And their grumps, too. 1.00

00:10:14.000 Up there in Muncie.

00:10:16.000 Yeah.

00:10:16.000 But also, yeah, buying a house would be important.

00:10:18.000 But like I said, the timeline of you moving south and us needing to move away from New York did not line up.

00:10:24.000 What about Gavin giving you a pay raise, a little bump?

00:10:28.000 I mean, he gets paid full-time for a part-time job.

00:10:31.000 I mean, I don't know.

00:10:33.000 I think we disproved that with the time code.

00:10:35.000 With the timesheets.

00:10:36.000 And it's a salary job.

00:10:37.000 You never held me to an hourly account, but then all of a sudden you did when I asked for a raise. 1.00

00:10:42.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00

00:10:44.000 Remember? 1.00

00:10:44.000 Well, this won't be an issue anymore now that he's gone to Sam Hyde's camp. 1.00

00:10:48.000 Now, who's in charge of human resources here?

00:10:50.000 Matty?

00:10:51.000 Matty is.

00:10:52.000 It's Matty.

00:10:53.000 If you're human and you're resourceful...

00:10:56.000 All complaints go to Matty.

00:10:58.000 All misuse of pronouns go to Matty.

00:11:01.000 He's heard a lot of things.

00:11:02.000 All legal questions go to Matt.

00:11:05.000 All questions about resisting arrest go to Matty.

00:11:08.000 Yes.

00:11:09.000 Because this is the free episode, I would be remiss if I didn't talk about our sponsors.

00:11:14.000 We have Nita Fashions. 0.79

00:11:15.000 I wear a suit every day on the show, but not today.

00:11:18.000 Because on Thursday nights we promote our t-shirt line.

00:11:22.000 So I love Cairns.

00:11:23.000 I think they take care of business.

00:11:25.000 Nita Fashions is in London.

00:11:27.000 And Switzerland?

00:11:29.000 Is it?

00:11:30.000 Check their schedule up here.

00:11:34.000 But here's something fun about Need of Fashions.

00:11:38.000 They have a lot of clients in LA who obviously have their wardrobes cleaned out with fire.

00:11:45.000 So these people need to get all new shirts, all new suits. 0.77

00:11:48.000 These are baby monsters who watch the show and use needed fashions to feather their nest. 1.00

00:11:56.000 And now they're broke and it's all gone.

00:11:58.000 So we are offering a 15% discount.

00:12:01.000 It's called the Baby Monster Discount.

00:12:04.000 So if you live in L.A. and you're a victim of the fire, call them, contact them, get your entire wardrobe rebuilt from scratch, shirts, suits, Everything.

00:12:15.000 15% off as these guys rebuild your wardrobe from scratch.

00:12:21.000 If you're not in L.A. and you're in London, we've got 22nd of January the 26th.

00:12:27.000 They're going to be at the Intercontinental London Park.

00:12:29.000 Contact them on their Instagram or their website.

00:12:33.000 Then they're off to Zurich.

00:12:35.000 They're for the end of January, 27th of January.

00:12:38.000 29th, they're in Geneva.

00:12:41.000 Geneva Convention.

00:12:42.000 That's where it was conceived of.

00:12:43.000 Grab me a Corona.

00:12:45.000 And that's going to be them.

00:12:48.000 So I think it's very cool.

00:12:51.000 They're taking a 15% hit to rebuild the fires.

00:12:54.000 And as a side note, I don't know.

00:12:56.000 I think you should be pretty embarrassed if your house burned down in Los Angeles. 1.00

00:13:02.000 You're 40 feet from the fucking ocean. 1.00

00:13:07.000 The Pacific Ocean is right there. 0.99

00:13:10.000 And we've seen a bunch of guys that just had a bunch of hoses attached to their roof, and they're fine. 0.99

00:13:16.000 So what's the matter with you and your shitty city? 0.99

00:13:22.000 Sorry. 1.00

00:13:23.000 Unpopular opinion, but that is embarrassing.

00:13:28.000 Dying to lose everything to a fire in 2024 when we've been dealing with fire issues since a year negative a million?

00:13:37.000 Not a good look.

00:13:40.000 They saved the fish, though.

00:13:41.000 Did you see the dykes in charge of the fire department? 1.00

00:13:42.000 I did.

00:13:43.000 They fired her. 1.00

00:13:44.000 Oh, my God.

00:13:44.000 I did.

00:13:45.000 I didn't see her.

00:13:46.000 She's not fired yet.

00:13:47.000 They said she was fired.

00:13:48.000 She tried to. 0.99

00:13:49.000 She shit on the mayor, and they tried to fire her, but they kind of had to walk that back. 1.00

00:13:54.000 But the other one, you see the fat dyke that was like, ah, if you're in a fire, I can't drag you out because you got yourself in a bad spot? 1.00

00:14:00.000 Thank you. 0.91

00:14:01.000 The clipped-haired dyke? 1.00

00:14:02.000 Yeah.

00:14:03.000 She's fired? 1.00

00:14:04.000 No, no, she's the DEI. How is she not fucking fired? 0.99

00:14:07.000 She just said, people who burn to death deserve it. 0.99

00:14:10.000 No, she said you got yourself, if it's a male, you got yourself in the wrong position.

00:14:14.000 Yeah, that's what I said.

00:14:16.000 Oh, not really, but we forgive you.

00:14:19.000 But, you know... 1.00

00:14:20.000 That's why you become a fireman, so you can drag a fat fuck like me down six flights of stairs. 1.00

00:14:26.000 These guys jerk off to doing that kind of shit. 1.00

00:14:27.000 You've got to hear them talk about fucking fires. 1.00

00:14:28.000 As long as they're not jerking off when they're fucking dragging me down the stairs, I don't mind. 1.00

00:14:31.000 If they can shoot big loads and it puts the fire out, I'm all for it. 1.00

00:14:34.000 It's better than burn it to death.

00:14:35.000 I saw a video of a guy putting out a fire, and there was nothing above him.

00:14:38.000 Nothing was going to fall on him, and he was attacking the fire.

00:14:41.000 And I'd never thought of this before, but I go, this must be kind of fun, putting out fires.

00:14:47.000 And I texted our buddy Huey.

00:14:49.000 And he goes, dude, it's awesome.

00:14:51.000 It's like a video game. 0.94

00:14:52.000 Like, you don't want shit to fall on you, so that's scary. 0.98

00:14:54.000 And you don't want to have to, like, get, you know, a little kid out of there. 1.00

00:14:58.000 That's fucked up. 0.98

00:14:59.000 But as long as everyone's safe and you're just blasting fire, it's super fun. 0.99

00:15:04.000 Shalanta.

00:15:06.000 Shalanta.

00:15:07.000 Cheers.

00:15:08.000 Isn't it Slantia? 0.99

00:15:10.000 I don't want to correct the actual Irish. 1.00

00:15:12.000 It's Shawanta. 0.65

00:15:13.000 Shawanta.

00:15:14.000 Is the Gaelic pronunciation.

00:15:15.000 Shawanta. 0.96

00:15:16.000 You sounded kind of gay there, Matty. 0.96

00:15:19.000 I didn't have anything to cheers. 0.96

00:15:21.000 You had nothing to cheers and you sort of went like, cheers.

00:15:26.000 I don't think so, Matty.

00:15:27.000 How's your ball?

00:15:28.000 It's hurting.

00:15:29.000 So I'm kind of like standing.

00:15:32.000 Matty had a ball attack before we started the show where just out of the blue his left ball hurt.

00:15:36.000 I think I got...

00:15:37.000 You were sweating?

00:15:38.000 Yeah.

00:15:39.000 It was making me sweat. 1.00

00:15:40.000 It was like you got hit in the balls with a fucking nine iron. 1.00

00:15:43.000 Did you stick it in a glory hole or something? 1.00

00:15:45.000 No. 0.99

00:15:47.000 But the weird thing, you get flicked in the balls, your balls hurt, and then they get better. 1.00

00:15:52.000 But yours balls seem to be getting worse. 0.99

00:15:54.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:15:55.000 Yours balls. 1.00

00:15:57.000 And it's still bad now. 0.99

00:15:59.000 Can we look at them?

00:16:00.000 Can we see it?

00:16:01.000 Pull it out. 1.00

00:16:02.000 Pull your balls out? 1.00

00:16:04.000 Yeah, let's see your balls. 1.00

00:16:06.000 Wait, how does this work if you're the HR department? 0.99

00:16:09.000 He files a complaint against him.

00:16:13.000 We're all agreeing to it.

00:16:15.000 You should put it on ice. 0.92

00:16:18.000 I've never seen balls get worse.

00:16:19.000 I've seen balls get better. 0.65

00:16:21.000 Are they getting bigger? 0.75

00:16:22.000 If you step over here, I could zoom and pan and tilt. 0.99

00:16:25.000 Can you die of, like, balls? 0.99

00:16:27.000 Yeah, I think so, right? 1.00

00:16:29.000 Set up on Gavin's chin.

00:16:32.000 Let me taste it.

00:16:34.000 Does it taste spicy?

00:16:36.000 They're retracted right now.

00:16:37.000 They're retracted? 0.99

00:16:38.000 Like they're tight against my body because of this fucking underwear I'm wearing. 1.00

00:16:42.000 Well, this is not a good ad for the underwear. 0.99

00:16:44.000 Whatever underwear you're wearing is not a sponsor of ours.

00:16:47.000 Can you get them from Anita Fashion, a couple pairs of underwear?

00:16:52.000 What is happening, dude?

00:16:54.000 What is going on?

00:16:55.000 You can't even, like, touch your own ball?

00:16:58.000 It's sore.

00:17:00.000 Can we adjust that camera there, Ryan?

00:17:04.000 What is going on?

00:17:05.000 You can't even find it?

00:17:06.000 Pull it down.

00:17:07.000 What do you mean down?

00:17:08.000 Where is it? 1.00

00:17:09.000 Try going in from your asshole. 1.00

00:17:12.000 No. 1.00

00:17:15.000 Kid Gavin's bottle opener.

00:17:16.000 I've known men for half a century.

00:17:19.000 I've never come across this phenomenon of this increasing ball pain.

00:17:25.000 I'm actually getting worried.

00:17:26.000 Should we call an ambulance?

00:17:28.000 No. 1.00

00:17:30.000 What are you fucking coming? 1.00

00:17:32.000 What are you doing? 1.00

00:17:32.000 I'm going to get a hot looking EMS. One of those Bronx EMS girls that come over here. 1.00

00:17:36.000 They got a Hasidic Jew too.

00:17:38.000 Maybe I'll send him. 1.00

00:17:40.000 When you pull your balls down, you feel... 1.00

00:17:43.000 I never have to pull my fucking balls down. 1.00

00:17:46.000 I never have to pull your balls down. 1.00

00:17:49.000 When I was a baby, my balls had to drop. 0.99

00:17:53.000 Ryan, can you adjust this camera or do you want me to do it?

00:17:57.000 Hey, I know you're in pain, Matty, but could you stay in frame?

00:18:01.000 Yeah, get in front of the camera. 0.79

00:18:02.000 I want to see you in pain.

00:18:03.000 So just reaching for your ball there, it made it worse. 0.99

00:18:07.000 Maybe I gotta hurt you. 0.94

00:18:14.000 But a hernia's your belly. 1.00

00:18:16.000 Yeah, well, that's probably why they're sucked up into your fucking... 1.00

00:18:19.000 Can you turn around a little, please? 1.00

00:18:24.000 It's fucking painful. 0.98

00:18:26.000 So you were fishing around to pull it out to show us, and that made it worse. 0.99

00:18:32.000 I was pulling both down.

00:18:34.000 Uh-huh.

00:18:35.000 He says when you pull your ball down, you feel what's attached to them.

00:18:43.000 What's that got to do with anything? 1.00

00:18:45.000 I think it's twisted between whatever the fuck that shit is. 1.00

00:18:51.000 You think your balls are like rotated wrong? 1.00

00:18:54.000 You got your balls tangled up? 1.00

00:18:59.000 Give it a whack with that driver. 1.00

00:19:02.000 There we go.

00:19:12.000 Does it seem bigger than usual?

00:19:18.000 Looks like a red potato.

00:19:23.000 It's ACDC, John.

00:19:26.000 Looks like you dropped a red potato in a barbershop.

00:19:32.000 How is it still hurting, though?

00:19:34.000 You were complaining about this at 745. It's 820. An infection?

00:19:42.000 How do you get an infection in your balls? 1.00

00:19:46.000 Were you sticking your balls in some bitch's cunt? 1.00

00:19:51.000 That'll do it. 1.00

00:19:53.000 I told you not to do that, but no.

00:19:56.000 No, you didn't listen.

00:20:01.000 Why is it getting worse? 1.00

00:20:04.000 Because it's fucking twisted. 1.00

00:20:06.000 Twisted? 1.00

00:20:08.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:20:10.000 Now, look at that camera. 1.00

00:20:11.000 Thanks, John.

00:20:13.000 Didn't I say, John, for Christmas, I wanted you to get me a John not helping me?

00:20:18.000 That was my Christmas wish. 0.99

00:20:20.000 Now, fucking Matty looks like he's on the Titanic. 0.99

00:20:24.000 Is this an honor in David Lynch's passing? 0.99

00:20:26.000 I can fix that.

00:20:27.000 I'll adjust it.

00:20:28.000 Okay.

00:20:29.000 Definitely he's going to make it worse.

00:20:31.000 His ball or the camera?

00:20:32.000 That's fine.

00:20:34.000 I got it.

00:20:37.000 Wait, now you're going to fix it?

00:20:38.000 Yeah.

00:20:40.000 You didn't even fix your ball.

00:20:41.000 How'd that even get knocked off kilter?

00:20:43.000 Like, why would you adjust the tripod?

00:20:45.000 All right.

00:20:49.000 All right, let's start the show.

00:20:52.000 Play the interstitial for Cops and Robbers, Ryan, please.

00:20:55.000 The robber cops interstitial incoming in five four three two and Here is an african-american gentleman Mocking the police doing an okay job of 1.00

00:21:19.000 Unfortunately, the people in this community are not capable of not cracking up, and it hurts a lot of the bits.

00:21:26.000 Much like the Geico caveman, some people are taking it seriously.

00:21:30.000 So you're not the pit bulls?

00:21:32.000 You're doing a lot of this, and I need you to...

00:21:35.000 Okay?

00:21:36.000 Let me try to say it in a way that you'll understand it.

00:21:37.000 Ooh, ooh, ah, ah.

00:21:38.000 You got me fired from my dog.

00:21:40.000 Hey, trust me, that was gonna happen anyways.

00:21:41.000 Look at you. 1.00

00:21:42.000 Put your hands behind your back gum back, you dirty baboon. 1.00

00:21:44.000 Where's the warrant? 1.00

00:21:45.000 That skin color's the warrant, man. 1.00

00:21:47.000 Why are you here? 1.00

00:21:48.000 Because you're black. 0.99

00:21:48.000 I mean, your son. 0.99

00:21:49.000 Hold on, let me put these gloves on. 0.61

00:21:50.000 I don't want to touch your monkey skin. 1.00

00:21:52.000 Hey, don't worry.

00:21:52.000 That's rolling.

00:21:53.000 And it's about to catch everything I'm about to do.

00:21:55.000 You won't say anything else till you get a lawyer?

00:21:57.000 I've been recording you this whole time.

00:21:59.000 You've been recording me?

00:22:00.000 Recurred.

00:22:00.000 You can record me all you want.

00:22:02.000 I know where that delete button is.

00:22:03.000 Okay, you're not listening.

00:22:05.000 She's about to piss me off. 0.99

00:22:06.000 Get the Negro. 1.00

00:22:06.000 Stop giggling, guys. 1.00

00:22:08.000 You're ruining the joke.

00:22:09.000 This is the Nelson Mandela pepper spray.

00:22:11.000 Just for your folks.

00:22:12.000 Y'all don't start de-escalating.

00:22:14.000 I'm gonna start escalating.

00:22:15.000 That's not a racial slur. 0.98

00:22:16.000 I'm talking about she gets tall fast, Negro. 1.00

00:22:19.000 My folks like to ride around on horses, torches, crosses. 0.91

00:22:21.000 That's his pepper spray. 0.74

00:22:22.000 It looks like a nipple pump. 0.87

00:22:24.000 A breast pump. 1.00

00:22:25.000 Yeah.

00:22:26.000 Is he swinging too?

00:22:27.000 Is he swinging? 0.98

00:22:28.000 I mean, black, I mean, monkeys. 1.00

00:22:30.000 That gun. 0.99

00:22:31.000 What is happening with you now? 1.00

00:22:34.000 Look at that fucking lost white girl there. 1.00

00:22:37.000 The snow bunny. 1.00

00:22:38.000 They call them snow bunnies.

00:22:41.000 Is this all fake? 0.95

00:22:43.000 Yes, it's a black guy joking around. 0.96

00:22:45.000 And that... 0.99

00:22:49.000 Do all things through Christ who strengthens your freaking people, ain't that right? 0.87

00:22:53.000 Planet or not planet, he had them. 0.99

00:22:55.000 Before you get punched in your black face, we're hearing a lot of barking. 0.99

00:22:57.000 So you're not the pit bulls? 1.00

00:22:59.000 You're doing a lot of this.

00:23:01.000 Not that funny.

00:23:05.000 Here's a fun video of a guy that just, he clearly wants to die.

00:23:10.000 He's in a cop chase.

00:23:12.000 He gets home safe.

00:23:13.000 You're good.

00:23:14.000 What are you going to get for a cop chase?

00:23:17.000 Probably five years, worst case scenario. 1.00

00:23:21.000 In New York, they're going to get shit. 0.99

00:23:23.000 They just canceled all police chases. 0.99

00:23:25.000 They just put an interim order out there in New York City.

00:23:28.000 So if you're chasing someone...

00:23:31.000 It has to be for a serious felony.

00:23:35.000 Like shoplifters you're not going to chase.

00:23:36.000 You would get fired if you chased them?

00:23:38.000 No, this is police chases with cars.

00:23:40.000 I understand.

00:23:41.000 What if you chase a shoplifter as a police? 0.97

00:23:43.000 If they tell you to call it off, I would fucking call everything off unless it was serious. 0.86

00:23:47.000 It's because I'm like, what are you doing? 1.00

00:23:48.000 You're going to wrap around a fucking tree or kill somebody for nothing. 1.00

00:23:52.000 So once somebody says call it off, you keep going, you're kind of at your own fucking risk. 1.00

00:23:56.000 Something happens, you're on your own. 1.00

00:23:58.000 I'm like, yo, you violated your fucking order to call that shit off. 0.99

00:24:00.000 I should say, Stiggs, I've noticed that 99% of the time you advocate for letting them go, not getting involved. 1.00

00:24:09.000 The best policing is no policing.

00:24:12.000 I would have just let them go. 0.99

00:24:15.000 When you're in a fucking academy, look at the totality of the situation. 0.99

00:24:20.000 What's really going on, the whole thing. 0.99

00:24:23.000 They want to get away. 1.00

00:24:24.000 That's their fucking job is to get away. 1.00

00:24:26.000 Your job is to catch them. 1.00

00:24:27.000 But the risk you're going through and the fucking potential of liability and shit that could happen for a bullshit charge is not worth the fucking risk. 0.99

00:24:38.000 Most of the times you know who they are. 1.00

00:24:40.000 They're fucking habitual scumbags. 1.00

00:24:41.000 You're going to catch them another time anyway. 1.00

00:24:43.000 But why are you going to risk?

00:24:44.000 Look at that. 0.99

00:24:44.000 It's the middle of the fucking day. 0.99

00:24:46.000 You're going to chase somebody? 1.00

00:24:47.000 Unless they took a shot at you or they're raping a fucking nine-year-old, everything else is kind of... 0.99

00:24:53.000 Well, I think in this one, the guy's only crime was he was having a road-raided incident with a bus driver, and he was following the bus, and someone called the cops. 1.00

00:25:02.000 Is that worth splattering a fucking family of four? 0.99

00:25:04.000 Nope. 1.00

00:25:05.000 Okay, there you go.

00:25:06.000 Now you just answered your own question. 1.00

00:25:08.000 Jesus fucking Christ. 1.00

00:25:10.000 Holy shit. 1.00

00:25:11.000 You're disgusting. 1.00

00:25:11.000 That sounded like a cute little baby elephant. 1.00

00:25:16.000 Look at the amount of fucking people that could get killed. 1.00

00:25:19.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:25:21.000 Like, you're going to have to answer for that shit. 1.00

00:25:24.000 And in New York, they're going to throw you to the fucking wolves. 1.00

00:25:27.000 You're not going to be protected civilly. 0.99

00:25:30.000 But you guys still get your free lawyers, right?

00:25:33.000 You get free lawyers up to indictment.

00:25:35.000 And then you're on your own.

00:25:37.000 So if you lose, you got to pay?

00:25:39.000 Well, yeah, up to the arraignment. 1.00

00:25:41.000 You got to fucking pay. 0.99

00:25:44.000 And generally, the lawyers are supposed to be good. 1.00

00:25:48.000 They fucking suck. 1.00

00:25:50.000 You're gonna want to get your own guy. 1.00

00:25:52.000 You should hire me.

00:25:54.000 *laughs* Roll your windows down from the bus.

00:26:00.000 He seems pretty cool, pretty compliant.

00:26:04.000 What is this, California?

00:26:06.000 I don't know.

00:26:07.000 Looks pretty Californian.

00:26:09.000 It said Route 110. What state is that?

00:26:13.000 110 is New York.

00:26:17.000 That looks like Pasadena.

00:26:22.000 It looks like where Scary Perry lives.

00:26:28.000 Okay, we're doing good.

00:26:30.000 Wait, what'd you do there?

00:26:31.000 Put his hands out.

00:26:32.000 Okay, we're good. 1.00

00:26:35.000 Actually, fuck it. 1.00

00:26:36.000 I'm out of here. 1.00

00:26:38.000 He says "Oh." Oh.

00:26:45.000 That's what we're doing.

00:26:47.000 Bye.

00:26:49.000 So here he is.

00:26:50.000 He's going to come out on the left-hand side.

00:26:53.000 The corner there.

00:26:54.000 Turn it up.

00:26:54.000 - Other side of the building, guys.

00:26:55.000 Other side of the building, go south.

00:26:57.000 - And he just pulls it.

00:26:58.000 - Right there. - - - - That's just suicide right there.

00:27:09.000 Suicide by cop.

00:27:11.000 Right? 1.00

00:27:11.000 Again, obviously you would have fucking... 1.00

00:27:15.000 I would have did that. 0.99

00:27:16.000 But, you know, you've got to think, like, as a fucking boss, you're like, yo, what about the people in there? 1.00

00:27:22.000 What if he shoots somebody in the fucking house? 1.00

00:27:24.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:27:26.000 The problem is when you become, like, a sergeant or a fucking lieutenant, you're also liable for what these retards do. 1.00

00:27:32.000 So if they fucking kill a little nine-year-old kid playing Nintendo in the living room, well, you're going to be arrested, too. 1.00

00:27:40.000 Yeah, especially this cheap housing with that dumb EFA structure. 1.00

00:27:44.000 It's just like eggshell and then styrofoam and then plywood and drywall and that's the house. 0.98

00:27:50.000 So those bullets are all going through all those living rooms, all those kitchens.

00:27:55.000 I had a friend of mine, his wife was in a car accident out in Newark.

00:28:01.000 They were chasing a car.

00:28:02.000 And she was a nurse going to a hospital and she wound up losing her kid.

00:28:07.000 No way!

00:28:10.000 They bought a big house about three or four years later.

00:28:12.000 I'm sure they got a few cents.

00:28:15.000 Oh, then it's worth it.

00:28:15.000 That's cool.

00:28:16.000 One of our guys killed somebody.

00:28:19.000 A guy was having a problem when somebody was taking a piss.

00:28:22.000 So he called for more units. 1.00

00:28:23.000 The guy was going with his fucking lights and siren. 1.00

00:28:25.000 T-boned a lady in her shell. 1.00

00:28:28.000 Pushed her into a fucking flower store and killed her. 1.00

00:28:32.000 Like, you really want to kill somebody? 1.00

00:28:33.000 Because some guy's having a problem. 0.99

00:28:35.000 Some Mexican won't listen to him while he's trying to write him a pisser ticket? 1.00

00:28:39.000 To me, that's the problem. 1.00

00:28:41.000 Who the fuck wants to answer for that? 0.99

00:28:42.000 Yeah, but the other side of the coin is all you've got to do now, if there's anything going on, any shit going down, is just jump in your car and take off. 0.99

00:28:51.000 But there's also devices in police cars now that, after a car accident, they download the, what do you call it, the computer.

00:28:59.000 The data there?

00:29:00.000 The data.

00:29:01.000 And obviously, if the duty captain comes, you're going to say, of course the lights were on, but meanwhile the lights weren't on.

00:29:06.000 How fast were you going?

00:29:08.000 10, 20 miles an hour.

00:29:10.000 They get the data.

00:29:11.000 You're going 50 miles an hour.

00:29:13.000 You got no lights on.

00:29:14.000 You got this going. 0.99

00:29:15.000 So you can't even fucking lie anymore. 0.99

00:29:19.000 Is that bad? 0.99

00:29:21.000 We don't lie, Big John.

00:29:22.000 I never lied once.

00:29:24.000 Well, you can't exaggerate her.

00:29:26.000 Except to my girlfriends.

00:29:27.000 So you're saying it's bad that cops can't lie anymore.

00:29:30.000 Is that what you're saying?

00:29:30.000 Exactly.

00:29:31.000 Okay.

00:29:32.000 We won't be able to administer justice.

00:29:33.000 Just want that for the record. 1.00

00:29:37.000 Here's some asshole. 1.00

00:29:38.000 This guy is acting exactly like a six-year-old boy. 1.00

00:29:43.000 This is what little kids are like.

00:29:45.000 And by the way, no one has shoes. 1.00

00:29:48.000 Get some fucking shoes! 1.00

00:29:52.000 She's wearing her socks. 1.00

00:29:54.000 Put some shoes on.

00:29:55.000 We've invented shoes.

00:29:57.000 Not where they're from.

00:30:01.000 I bet they have no underwear on either.

00:30:03.000 I bet they just put on their shorts. 1.00

00:30:06.000 And they have this mini graveyard in front of their damn house. 1.00

00:30:10.000 Happy Halloween. 1.00

00:30:11.000 I bet it was Halloween six months ago.

00:30:14.000 Yeah.

00:30:16.000 This is in May.

00:30:17.000 I've never seen you.

00:30:18.000 Yes, ma'am.

00:30:18.000 Okay.

00:30:19.000 Sit down.

00:30:20.000 Don't go inside.

00:30:21.000 Why?

00:30:21.000 Because I'm going to get shot if I go inside.

00:30:24.000 Look at that.

00:30:24.000 Thank you.

00:30:25.000 Isn't that a kid?

00:30:26.000 I wonder if that's his car.

00:30:28.000 No, definitely not.

00:30:30.000 It's a Nissan Ultra.

00:30:31.000 It's probably one of their white girlfriends. 0.91

00:30:33.000 Talk to me. 0.93

00:30:34.000 There's no need to yell.

00:30:35.000 But me yelling is a crime?

00:30:36.000 It's disorderly conduct.

00:30:37.000 There's people all around.

00:30:38.000 One more time.

00:30:43.000 Hold it.

00:30:43.000 the real police are here now when you call these when you call these cracker and And by the way, get your kid in the house.

00:30:59.000 It could be a shootout.

00:31:01.000 He might get into it with the cops where they're shooting each other.

00:31:04.000 So get the kid in the house. 0.86

00:31:07.000 Do you have a gun on you, nothing?

00:31:08.000 Did you shoot a gun?

00:31:11.000 Right here in the dirt.

00:31:13.000 Scare him off.

00:31:13.000 Scare who off?

00:31:16.000 That fucking dude right there. 1.00

00:31:20.000 - I call John. 1.00

00:31:22.000 - I'm not so insulating, but he looks white.

00:31:24.000 He looks like a white girlfriend. 0.93

00:31:25.000 - So can I ask you a question?

00:31:27.000 - Can she finish speaking?

00:31:28.000 - No, 'cause he's lying already.

00:31:29.000 - No, I'm not.

00:31:31.000 - They came over here to call the cops.

00:31:32.000 - Will you guys just stay out here for me?

00:31:33.000 - Yeah.

00:31:34.000 - He got shot by someone in Minecraft.

00:31:36.000 - I don't care about my house next to you.

00:31:37.000 - For the shotgun?

00:31:39.000 - Yeah.

00:31:40.000 - Okay. - I can't figure anything out when everyone's yelling at me.

00:31:44.000 So we cannot talk to somebody.

00:31:46.000 As soon as she finishes talking... 0.99

00:31:48.000 This is why things are fucked up. 1.00

00:31:49.000 That little kid's learning how to react to the police. 1.00

00:31:53.000 The cycle. 1.00

00:31:55.000 What's he fucking eating? 1.00

00:31:56.000 He's eating some fucking popcorn or something. 1.00

00:31:58.000 It's like a little television. 1.00

00:32:01.000 He's eating Tide Pods.

00:32:03.000 He's eating Tide Pods.

00:32:05.000 She's super intimidating.

00:32:06.000 I listen to her too.

00:32:11.000 She looks like she dates a guy like him.

00:32:16.000 Alright, I'm out of here. 0.99

00:32:17.000 This is gay. 0.99

00:32:18.000 Bye. 0.99

00:32:19.000 No, you cannot.

00:32:20.000 You can sit right here.

00:32:21.000 You're involved in a disturbance.

00:32:23.000 Put your hands behind your back.

00:32:25.000 Why are you resting?

00:32:26.000 I'm not doing that.

00:32:27.000 Put your hands behind your back, dude.

00:32:29.000 Put your hands behind your back.

00:32:30.000 Because I asked him to stop here and he keeps walking away.

00:32:32.000 You see what I'm saying? 0.98

00:32:33.000 Because you don't listen to white people. 0.99

00:32:35.000 They do what they want. 1.00

00:32:37.000 If you don't listen to white people, they do what they want. 0.94

00:32:41.000 You feel safe now? 0.94

00:32:47.000 Do you feel safe?

00:32:53.000 My baby's right there.

00:32:54.000 Go ahead.

00:32:58.000 You know what's great about this show?

00:33:05.000 When they get really annoying, we just go, all right, that's enough of that.

00:33:08.000 But the cops have to stay there and take them to jail and fill out all the paperwork. 0.79

00:33:12.000 they don't get to click off his his fro and say hey stay there don't move He's going to scream, ow, my hair!

00:33:36.000 That's fine.

00:33:38.000 The cop's not taking control of the situation.

00:33:40.000 He can take the gloves, the cuffs, and just pull them up a little.

00:33:43.000 We will.

00:33:44.000 He's going to put him in the backseat of his car.

00:33:45.000 It will.

00:33:46.000 It will solve the problem for tonight.

00:33:47.000 If he's not under arrest, New York, you're violating his rights. 0.99

00:33:51.000 You're fucking with him. 1.00

00:33:52.000 Stop pulling, dude. 1.00

00:33:54.000 Get off.

00:33:54.000 You can get charged with resisting.

00:33:56.000 All right.

00:33:57.000 Oh, he's getting charged with resisting.

00:34:00.000 Uh-oh.

00:34:01.000 He's under arrest.

00:34:02.000 No, no.

00:34:03.000 Yeah, he is.

00:34:04.000 Uh-oh.

00:34:05.000 Easy, John.

00:34:06.000 Easy.

00:34:07.000 If you listen to what he says, he goes, what, are you going to bring me to jail for tonight?

00:34:10.000 And he goes, yeah.

00:34:13.000 Don't poke the volcano!

00:34:17.000 How's your ball, by the way?

00:34:18.000 You seem pretty good.

00:34:20.000 Hurts.

00:34:22.000 Call the police?

00:34:24.000 Call the police?

00:34:29.000 What's the guarding over there? 0.99

00:34:33.000 What, they got three fucking hedges? 0.99

00:34:37.000 Alright, boring. 1.00

00:34:41.000 Here's a very wholesome...

00:34:43.000 Actually, you know what?

00:34:43.000 Why don't we jump over to female cops?

00:34:45.000 Because she was a female cop. 0.78

00:34:46.000 And we have a lot of great female cop stuff in the pipeline. 1.00

00:34:56.000 Hit it.

00:34:57.000 It's crime fighting time.

00:34:59.000 Fighting crime in a future time.

00:35:12.000 What could go wrong?

00:35:16.000 Did you see this Governor Hochul thing?

00:35:21.000 The state of the state?

00:35:22.000 Yeah.

00:35:23.000 Ryan, I'm sending it to you now.

00:35:26.000 Text or email?

00:35:27.000 Text.

00:35:28.000 Okie dokie.

00:35:28.000 It is...

00:35:29.000 Like, I've sent it to a few people, and I have to say, this is real.

00:35:34.000 You're not seeing AI. You're not seeing a joke.

00:35:38.000 This is the governor of New York having a state of the state.

00:35:43.000 An opening with a dance troupe dressed in suits.

00:35:48.000 That are 100 years old.

00:35:50.000 That are 100 years old.

00:35:51.000 But very diverse, by the way.

00:35:53.000 You get it not.

00:35:54.000 They weren't diverse. 1.00

00:35:55.000 They were all fucking... 1.00

00:35:56.000 It was women, blacks, and... 1.00

00:35:58.000 You get the fucking government you deserve. 1.00

00:36:00.000 Same thing with fucking California. 1.00

00:36:02.000 They voted for that scumbag. 1.00

00:36:04.000 They voted for Karen Bass. 1.00

00:36:05.000 They're getting absolutely every fucking thing they deserve. 1.00

00:36:08.000 This is what New York asked for. 1.00

00:36:10.000 Look at this.

00:36:11.000 That's exactly what we deserve.

00:36:11.000 Look at this.

00:36:12.000 This is the government we fucking deserve in New York. 1.00

00:36:14.000 What a fucking embarrassment. 1.00

00:36:16.000 This is an absolute fucking abortion. 1.00

00:36:18.000 And look at these fucking creatures. 1.00

00:36:20.000 What are they? 1.00

00:36:22.000 Is that Hillary Clinton back then? 0.98

00:36:23.000 She looks like the predator. 0.88

00:36:25.000 Who is this? 1.00

00:36:26.000 Just like fucking Gavin's old nanny from Jamaica What is happening They're not even synchronized. 0.99

00:36:39.000 Like, it's a mess. 0.99

00:36:40.000 It's a cacophony of dance.

00:36:44.000 What are they supposed to be doing?

00:36:46.000 Look, they're doing a medley, too.

00:36:48.000 It's not just one song.

00:36:51.000 It's poison. 1.00

00:36:53.000 I didn't even see this, and I'm fucking insulted. 0.99

00:36:58.000 But if you practice a dance, shouldn't you be in sync? 1.00

00:37:01.000 That girl is poison. 1.00

00:37:03.000 Wow. 1.00

00:37:05.000 How embarrassing is this?

00:37:08.000 Look, they have sneakers on?

00:37:10.000 They probably wear all new uniforms and shoes and everything.

00:37:13.000 Look at that white woman. 1.00

00:37:15.000 Like they're going to Heaven's Gate.

00:37:17.000 Yeah.

00:37:18.000 A couple blankets.

00:37:20.000 I wish the air ducts were pumping poison.

00:37:25.000 This looks like a cool show we should probably check out.

00:37:28.000 A super cool female cop show where the chicks are badasses and you better be 100% with them. 1.00

00:37:35.000 Or you're 100% against them. 1.00

00:37:37.000 That's the way it works with these motherfuckers. 1.00

00:37:42.000 We think we know what this job is. 1.00

00:37:46.000 - This makes me fucking violently ill to watch. 0.97

00:37:49.000 I'd be so heroic. - Rocket fuel. 0.98

00:38:00.000 Nice.

00:38:01.000 How'd you do at the academy?

00:38:03.000 Second in my class.

00:38:04.000 No matter how many.

00:38:05.000 He's looking up to her because she's like his mentor.

00:38:10.000 You know I'm big on effort.

00:38:12.000 But if you give me effort, I can teach you the rest.

00:38:15.000 Got you.

00:38:17.000 This is Dick Wolf's creation.

00:38:19.000 Diaz, what's your 20?

00:38:20.000 Drop the hatchet! 1.00

00:38:22.000 Don't do it!

00:38:26.000 That seems pretty irrelevant.

00:38:33.000 An EDP killed himself.

00:38:34.000 I feel like you know everything about me.

00:38:36.000 I know nothing about you.

00:38:38.000 She has cats, I'll tell you that much.

00:38:44.000 She has plants that eat bugs like a Venus flytrap. 1.00

00:38:50.000 My uncle used to fucking bang him when she was seven. 0.99

00:38:52.000 It's just a male character. 0.99

00:38:58.000 He's my next training.

00:39:00.000 Is he cool?

00:39:03.000 Journey's still out.

00:39:04.000 Journey's still out.

00:39:05.000 We'll see.

00:39:06.000 I've got some people gunning for me.

00:39:08.000 I don't want that coming off on you.

00:39:10.000 Remember what they say about harm? 1.00

00:39:11.000 Well, it's a cursory fucking lesbian black chick. 1.00

00:39:14.000 You're either 100% with you or you're an in-charge black guy. 1.00

00:39:17.000 Hey, there's no question.

00:39:18.000 Sooner or later.

00:39:23.000 I'm 100% with you.

00:39:25.000 100%.

00:39:26.000 She's Jewish, by the way.

00:39:28.000 The actress is Jewish?

00:39:29.000 Yeah.

00:39:30.000 I'll put...

00:39:32.000 Five bucks on it.

00:39:33.000 Okay, that's a lot.

00:39:36.000 They do own Hollywood. 0.99

00:39:38.000 Hollywood, fucking academia, big pharma, our government. 1.00

00:39:44.000 Homosexuals are 1% of the population. 1.00

00:39:45.000 Lesbians are half of that. 1.00

00:39:46.000 So this show is for 0.5% of the population.

00:39:50.000 How do you market that?

00:39:51.000 It might get cancelled soon.

00:39:53.000 I'm sure it'll be cancelled.

00:39:54.000 Well, it's Amazon, so.

00:39:55.000 No fear.

00:39:56.000 Jeff Bezos has millions of dollars to throw away. 0.98

00:39:58.000 Unless he fucks her, this is not realistic. 0.97

00:40:03.000 On call. 0.99

00:40:06.000 On prime right now. 1.00

00:40:08.000 She's a fucking badass. 1.00

00:40:09.000 I wish they did a fucking cop show about me. 1.00

00:40:12.000 I bet your hairballs don't hurt. 1.00

00:40:14.000 A cop show about you would just be like, ah, don't fucking bother. 0.99

00:40:17.000 Just let him go. 0.98

00:40:18.000 98% of me is getting free coffee places.

00:40:20.000 It's not worth it.

00:40:21.000 Here, just stay here.

00:40:22.000 Stay here.

00:40:23.000 In an hour, we'll show up and do a report. 1.00

00:40:24.000 Watching Netflix on my thing, gambling on my fucking phone. 1.00

00:40:27.000 It's not worth it. 1.00

00:40:29.000 Well, didn't you tell your underlings, if any of you fucking cowboys go out there and start kicking ass, I'm going to beat the shit out of you. 1.00

00:40:35.000 Do not do arrests. 1.00

00:40:37.000 And a guy went and shot somebody the same fucking day. 0.99

00:40:39.000 It's the last time I told him that. 0.99

00:40:41.000 Really?

00:40:41.000 Yeah.

00:40:42.000 Was that the Mike Flowers thing?

00:40:44.000 Kamal Flowers. 1.00

00:40:45.000 Holy shit. 1.00

00:40:46.000 What happened with that? 1.00

00:40:46.000 Literally, the fucking seven days after George Floyd. 1.00

00:40:50.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.98

00:40:51.000 That caused a lot of...

00:40:52.000 June 5th it happened. 0.91

00:40:55.000 The joint floor was fucking May 27th. 0.99

00:40:57.000 Kamal Flowers went to shoot a cop. 0.99

00:40:59.000 Yes.

00:41:00.000 His magazine fell out of his gun, so he had no bullets. 1.00

00:41:04.000 No, no, he had a bullet in the chamber, so Glocks are combat guns, they'll shoot without a fucking magazine. 0.99

00:41:10.000 Most guns won't. 0.99

00:41:11.000 So he pulled the trigger, it went click, it wouldn't fire. 1.00

00:41:14.000 His DNA was on the fucking trigger. 1.00

00:41:15.000 Cop fucking lit him up. 1.00

00:41:17.000 But that's the same guy who said, yo, don't go do anything. 1.00

00:41:20.000 They don't want us to do shit. 0.99

00:41:21.000 Go hang out in the parking lot. 0.99

00:41:23.000 I was literally playing poker on my phone when a call came over.

00:41:28.000 And then there was all kinds of protests all over the place.

00:41:32.000 Black Lives Matter.

00:41:33.000 In his defense, he made us...

00:41:34.000 He literally made us $500,000 in overtime.

00:41:41.000 Because you had to guard everything for the riots.

00:41:43.000 Yeah, it was fantastic.

00:41:44.000 And I got an inside job literally two weeks later.

00:41:47.000 Don't you think a lot of these blacks... 1.00

00:41:49.000 With that kind of conflict, they don't really care that he was guilty. 0.97

00:41:53.000 They don't care that he was trying to shoot a cop.

00:41:55.000 Their thing is more tribal. 1.00

00:41:57.000 It's like, you killed one of ours, we want to kill one of yours. 0.99

00:41:59.000 Actually, no. 0.99

00:42:00.000 Believe it or not, there's a very vocal minority that does acts like that. 1.00

00:42:05.000 In reality, the majority of the fucking black people in the community love the police. 1.00

00:42:10.000 I know from what you see from this fucking show, it's not true. 1.00

00:42:13.000 It is actually one million percent true. 1.00

00:42:15.000 If you're stationed at a post on a holiday, I couldn't tell you how much fucking food they would bring us. 0.99

00:42:20.000 You know, plates and plates and trays and shit. 1.00

00:42:22.000 Really? 0.99

00:42:23.000 I agree with you.

00:42:24.000 I think the Spanish love us more. 1.00

00:42:27.000 Well, you know, my dumb wife dropped her purse in the South Bronx at some fucking dumb used clothing store. 1.00

00:42:35.000 Some 99 cent store. 1.00

00:42:36.000 Salvation Army thing that my daughter likes to go to.

00:42:40.000 They saw John's detective card in her wallet because I gave it to her.

00:42:44.000 And the guy called up John and said, I have your wife's purse with the money and everything.

00:42:53.000 Yeah.

00:42:53.000 No, the money was gone.

00:42:54.000 Was it gone?

00:42:55.000 Yeah, the money was gone.

00:42:56.000 But what they did was they took the money out and they threw it on the floor.

00:42:59.000 And there's an old Spanish guy.

00:43:01.000 I always tell my wife that or anybody.

00:43:03.000 If you lose your wallet, a criminal has to find it in order for someone to use your cards. 0.98

00:43:08.000 Like most, the average African-American or fucking Spanish person, they're hardworking people. 0.98

00:43:16.000 Yeah, that's true. 0.99

00:43:18.000 They're not going to take the card.

00:43:19.000 What I recommend to people is throw it in the mailbox. 0.99

00:43:21.000 But now, you got those fucking small slots. 0.99

00:43:24.000 That's what I always used to tell people when I was working. 0.99

00:43:27.000 Hey, I found somebody's wallet.

00:43:28.000 Throw it in the mailbox.

00:43:29.000 I'm not vouchering that.

00:43:31.000 I think if I found a wallet, I would take the money.

00:43:33.000 It's my finder's fee.

00:43:34.000 I agree with you.

00:43:35.000 I'll get you your wallet back.

00:43:36.000 I'll give you your ID and your cards and everything.

00:43:38.000 It's bad karma.

00:43:39.000 But I'm not.

00:43:40.000 I get the $500.

00:43:41.000 It's a fee.

00:43:42.000 It's a fee.

00:43:45.000 Did you hear about the CO who was raped for hours? 0.78

00:43:47.000 Now, the reason I put this in the female cop category, I'm not saying she's negligent, but females should not be corrections officers. 1.00

00:43:54.000 Everyone wants to fuck them. 1.00

00:43:56.000 Oh, they should be correction officers in female jails. 1.00

00:43:59.000 Yes.

00:43:59.000 Yeah.

00:44:00.000 They should not be in male jails where everyone has a fucking coconut smasher of a boner. 1.00

00:44:08.000 And a coconut head. 1.00

00:44:13.000 By a convicted killer and rapist inside her workplace.

00:44:17.000 She's now suing the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation. 0.89

00:44:20.000 You shouldn't have been there in the first place.

00:44:21.000 Sorry.

00:44:22.000 Sorry to blame the victim.

00:44:24.000 KCRA 3's Michelle Bandura explains that.

00:44:27.000 The lawsuit against the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation outlines the ordeal experienced by Correctional Officer Katie Jackson.

00:44:36.000 My life, along with my children, my family... 0.99

00:44:39.000 They must have been there for fucking life. 1.00

00:44:41.000 I wouldn't fuck her with a stolen dick. 1.00

00:44:44.000 The mother of three thought she was going to be killed on the job January 20th, 2024... 1.00

00:44:50.000 They were beating her with dick. 1.00

00:44:52.000 They were beating the inside of her vagina. 1.00

00:44:54.000 - There were a lot of failed security measures. 0.99

00:44:58.000 - She has young kids, you gotta tell them when they get older, how did your wife, how did your mom die? 1.00

00:45:03.000 She was beat to death with a dick. - It could have easily been prevented, and it wasn't. - The facility houses low and medium security inmates, many who trained for the firefighter program Violent offenders are not supposed to stay there. 1.00

00:45:16.000 Jackson's lawyers say Robert Lawrence Ransom Jr. should have never been transferred to Jamestown because of his violent background as a killer.

00:45:26.000 Do you know Jamestown, Matty?

00:45:27.000 Where is that?

00:45:28.000 Ohio?

00:45:29.000 I don't know.

00:45:30.000 Virginia.

00:45:31.000 No, it says California.

00:45:33.000 I know lawyers like to have long hair. 0.99

00:45:35.000 All inmates were accounted for and said to be secured in their cells.

00:45:40.000 In reality, the document says, ransom was concealed within a laundry cart and officers inexcusably failed to detect ransom, declaring the cart clear.

00:45:51.000 Lawyers called this a dereliction of duty.

00:45:53.000 Jackson says learning the officer's routines, ransom disguised himself as an officer and she mistakenly let him into the control room. 0.99

00:46:02.000 He's a very sneaky rapist. 0.99

00:46:05.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:46:06.000 So she lets him in, and now she's suing.

00:46:09.000 Yep.

00:46:12.000 He disguised himself as an officer?

00:46:18.000 How? 1.00

00:46:20.000 There must be no fucking jobs anywhere in the state other than that for her to do that shit. 1.00

00:46:24.000 You couldn't fucking pay me enough to be correct. 1.00

00:46:28.000 The only reason she got that job is McDonald's wouldn't hire her. 0.98

00:46:32.000 But she hopes the lawsuit will change the culture behind bars.

00:46:37.000 You are undermined constantly at every corner, and the inmates essentially have more rights and more power than you do as correctional officers.

00:46:46.000 You do that go in.

00:46:47.000 Correct.

00:46:49.000 My cousin's the president of the union at Rikers. 1.00

00:46:56.000 He says it's fucking hell on earth. 0.99

00:46:58.000 For everybody. 1.00

00:46:59.000 The inmates, the fucking... 1.00

00:47:00.000 The crisis offices, it's the worst place in New York by far. 1.00

00:47:04.000 Really? 1.00

00:47:05.000 Oh, it's a fucking... 1.00

00:47:06.000 It's post-apocalyptic. 1.00

00:47:10.000 First off, it fucking stinks. 1.00

00:47:11.000 It's the worst smelling place I've ever been to. 1.00

00:47:14.000 And it is fucked up. 1.00

00:47:15.000 Like, it's hot. 1.00

00:47:16.000 It stinks. 1.00

00:47:17.000 You've got to fucking fight. 1.00

00:47:19.000 The crisis offices are outnumbered. 0.99

00:47:21.000 They out of work sometimes triples because there's not enough crisis offices. 0.99

00:47:25.000 It's the worst fucking job on the planet. 1.00

00:47:27.000 I don't know how people do that shit. 1.00

00:47:28.000 Aren't they talking about shutting it down? 1.00

00:47:30.000 They keep saying that.

00:47:34.000 That's what the city council says.

00:47:35.000 They keep saying that. 1.00

00:47:36.000 It's just a fucking smoke stream. 1.00

00:47:38.000 What sucks about the correctional officers, they gotta go across a bridge, and then they gotta get a... 1.00

00:47:42.000 They gotta take...

00:47:44.000 It's a distance to get into jail, so...

00:47:46.000 They have to wait for a relief, so they're doing double shifts.

00:47:50.000 And they have body cameras. 0.99

00:47:52.000 It's all fucked up. 0.99

00:47:53.000 You can't put prisoners in solitary confinement. 1.00

00:47:56.000 They have a rough job. 0.99

00:47:57.000 It's like an eight-hour fucking maximum for solitary confinement. 0.99

00:48:00.000 And some of these dudes are... 1.00

00:48:01.000 And now, with Bell Reform, you've got to be an absolute fucking monster to go in jail. 1.00

00:48:06.000 Like, it's complete fucking animals in there. 1.00

00:48:09.000 It's not just your rant. 1.00

00:48:10.000 It's not Matty O'Dell. 1.00

00:48:12.000 It's absolute fucking monster. 0.99

00:48:13.000 Maybe it's a young Matty O'Dell. 1.00

00:48:14.000 There's some places...

00:48:15.000 I can't remember the name of the block.

00:48:17.000 I was with a couple of other guys upstate.

00:48:19.000 When they come out for their half hour, around the 23-1...

00:48:24.000 They get chained to a chair.

00:48:26.000 Like a cement chair.

00:48:27.000 And that's it.

00:48:29.000 And that's their free time?

00:48:31.000 Yeah.

00:48:33.000 Wow.

00:48:33.000 That sounds like you're talking about a jaguar or some sort of exotic animal.

00:48:38.000 Because they're the worst of the worst.

00:48:39.000 But it's funny when you start cracking up.

00:48:44.000 How's your ball?

00:48:45.000 It hurts.

00:48:46.000 It still hurts.

00:48:47.000 I don't know why.

00:48:49.000 It's like a very sharp acute pain.

00:48:51.000 Do you want any...

00:48:52.000 Should we massage it, maybe?

00:48:54.000 Why don't you stick a bottle of Corona down here and cool it off?

00:48:57.000 Get doggy style here. 0.53

00:48:58.000 Oh, easy.

00:49:02.000 Avengers Assemble.

00:49:04.000 Next link.

00:49:05.000 I hope I didn't miss a joke about my daughter.

00:49:08.000 I'm going to ignore it.

00:49:12.000 This is funny.

00:49:14.000 This is what people think of female cops. 1.00

00:49:18.000 Avengers Assemble.

00:49:21.000 Assemble. 1.00

00:49:22.000 Fucking cow. 1.00

00:49:23.000 She'd get it. 1.00

00:49:29.000 One, two, three, four.

00:49:33.000 I have no reason to search.

00:49:35.000 This is your sister's friends in the police force.

00:49:39.000 Avengers!

00:49:41.000 Assemble.

00:49:45.000 Assemble.

00:49:47.000 How can you not know the word assemble?

00:49:50.000 Here is another awesome female cop being cool. 1.00

00:49:55.000 She wants you to know that she's incredibly talented and you should pay attention to her.

00:50:01.000 I agree wholeheartedly.

00:50:05.000 What's up?

00:50:06.000 We're here.

00:50:06.000 Night shift.

00:50:07.000 Rocking it.

00:50:08.000 Yes.

00:50:09.000 I'm out here on a night shift with my girl, Orocho.

00:50:12.000 And here's the lesson.

00:50:13.000 Ready?

00:50:14.000 If you think you have the ability to lead your people when they want in, then make the sacrifices and lead by example.

00:50:19.000 Show up, even if it's cold, even if it's 8 o'clock at night.

00:50:23.000 Get out there.

00:50:24.000 You can't have your people trust what you're doing if you can't show them that you can do it yourself.

00:50:29.000 Everybody be safe.

00:50:31.000 Have the best captain.

00:50:32.000 Oh, I love you. 1.00

00:50:34.000 Oh, yeah, they're going to kill fucking 69 later. 0.99

00:50:37.000 I got the vibe from that that they think it's a big deal to work nights. 0.99

00:50:41.000 Like, even if you gotta show up at 8pm, do it, man.

00:50:44.000 That's what it's all about.

00:50:45.000 Yeah, it's so late.

00:50:46.000 8 o'clock at night.

00:50:47.000 Wow.

00:50:47.000 What are you doing?

00:50:48.000 8 till 2am? 1.00

00:50:49.000 Holy fuck. 1.00

00:50:50.000 You're devoted. 1.00

00:50:51.000 She's doing overtime in that picture. 1.00

00:50:53.000 Here's another.

00:50:54.000 Go skip one down, Ryan, to the TikTok video.

00:50:57.000 TikTok.

00:50:58.000 TikTok.

00:51:00.000 TikTok's leaving us soon, guys.

00:51:02.000 I don't think so.

00:51:04.000 Oh, I've seen this.

00:51:05.000 Nice.

00:51:06.000 I think Kick is buying TikTok.

00:51:08.000 She'd get it. 1.00

00:51:09.000 I'd fuck her brains out, but she's got fucking absolutely zero business being a cop, especially down there. 1.00

00:51:14.000 Like, she could be a cop in Scarsdale or fucking Irvington, you know, Bedford. 1.00

00:51:20.000 Being a fucking New York City cop, she's a fucking complete liability. 1.00

00:51:24.000 And you know what's funny? 1.00

00:51:25.000 She's filming that.

00:51:26.000 There's no accountability for that.

00:51:28.000 Like, if that was a male cop, they'd suspend him.

00:51:32.000 Oh, look.

00:51:32.000 Go back to that.

00:51:33.000 Go back to that.

00:51:34.000 Go back. 1.00

00:51:35.000 You can see my fucking thing, Lord Commander. 1.00

00:51:37.000 I'd rather go to the call alone. 1.00

00:51:38.000 That's me.

00:51:40.000 That is.

00:51:40.000 Oh, that is you?

00:51:42.000 Yeah.

00:51:45.000 That's you?

00:51:46.000 Yeah.

00:51:47.000 That's hilarious.

00:51:48.000 Show them the picture.

00:51:49.000 That's me. 1.00

00:51:50.000 I won a fucking Golden Globes. 1.00

00:51:51.000 That's you when you were boxing. 1.00

00:51:52.000 When I fought in Golden Globes.

00:51:53.000 Is it right to show your whole profile? 0.99

00:51:54.000 I don't give a fuck. 0.99

00:51:56.000 What are they going to do? 1.00

00:51:56.000 Get fired? 1.00

00:51:57.000 Oh, well, I'll show that one. 1.00

00:51:59.000 Fuck it. 1.00

00:51:59.000 I'm retired. 1.00

00:52:00.000 I don't give a fuck. 0.99

00:52:03.000 It's a picture of us. 1.00

00:52:04.000 She's like, I'm with these fucking assholes right now. 1.00

00:52:08.000 All right, let's watch this yoga bitch become a nightmare. 1.00

00:52:12.000 Yoga? 1.00

00:52:14.000 That's the next one.

00:52:17.000 Back in 2024, an officer in Whitefield Bay, Wisconsin, observed a white BMW going 30 miles per hour over the speed limit.

00:52:25.000 The driver, later identified as a 35-year-old named Mallory, initially pulled over.

00:52:30.000 But she's five years old?

00:52:32.000 She looks great for five.

00:52:33.000 She's at 35. Oh.

00:52:36.000 My video's cropped.

00:52:37.000 Yoga chicks live forever. 1.00

00:52:41.000 148 traffic. 1.00

00:52:42.000 I want to fuck a yoga chick tonight. 1.00

00:52:45.000 How far back is she parked? 1.00

00:52:48.000 Yeah, she's parked 50 feet behind the car. 1.00

00:52:51.000 Hold on, let me jog up there and get a fucking driver's license. 0.99

00:52:56.000 Let me put on a podcast on my phone while I walk to your car. 0.99

00:53:04.000 Nope, not happening.

00:53:07.000 She's waiting two more.

00:53:09.000 Okay, now we're stopping again.

00:53:19.000 This is clearly a drunk person. 0.99

00:53:21.000 But look how far she's fucking parked. 1.00

00:53:26.000 She's very tactically sound. 1.00

00:53:32.000 Doesn't she sound inept? 0.98

00:53:34.000 Turn the car off. 0.99

00:53:37.000 Now.

00:53:40.000 Roll down your window and place your hands outside the car with the keys in your hand.

00:53:47.000 This sounds made up. 0.96

00:53:52.000 You're going to shoot her? 0.97

00:54:06.000 This goes back to Stiggs. 1.00

00:54:08.000 This bitch doesn't play. 1.00

00:54:09.000 48, I got Stiggs at Glendale. 1.00

00:54:11.000 I'll wait until 48. Stop, stop, stop.

00:54:14.000 What?

00:54:15.000 Sticks?

00:54:15.000 Stop sticks.

00:54:16.000 Like to puncture the tires?

00:54:18.000 No, he's got stings in the trunk.

00:54:19.000 He's going to pull them out.

00:54:21.000 No, they're things that puncture your tires. 0.99

00:54:22.000 Remember the old school days when you backed up over the fucking parking lot thing? 0.98

00:54:26.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:54:27.000 Beep beep. 1.00

00:54:37.000 What the fuck is she doing here? 1.00

00:54:39.000 She's got a... 1.00

00:54:40.000 You know, Maddie, jump in here. 0.87

00:54:42.000 You're Mr. Liberal. 1.00

00:54:43.000 It's a fucking car stop for speeding and she's got a long gun out. 1.00

00:54:49.000 I thought she just has the sticks thing. 1.00

00:54:53.000 She was getting a long gun. 0.78

00:54:55.000 No, that was the other guy.

00:54:56.000 The guy who had the stop sticks in front of her in case she runs again.

00:55:00.000 She doesn't have a car.

00:55:01.000 She should be waiting for backup.

00:55:02.000 See that guy throw him out?

00:55:04.000 Jesus Christ.

00:55:06.000 He didn't deploy him.

00:55:08.000 Get out of the car now! 0.58

00:55:10.000 Get out now! 1.00

00:55:12.000 Get your hands up!

00:55:13.000 Do it now!

00:55:13.000 Get your hands up!

00:55:15.000 She's laughing.

00:55:19.000 Put your hands out the window and shut out the car!

00:55:22.000 Do it now!

00:55:22.000 Hold on, I'm gonna jog up to you.

00:55:23.000 Shut the car off, do it now! 0.81

00:55:25.000 Do it now! 1.00

00:55:26.000 Oh, I'm so fucking happy I don't ever have to deal with this bullshit again. 0.99

00:55:29.000 Thank you. 1.00

00:55:30.000 You want me to hear a dick, or you want me back in the sky? 1.00

00:55:33.000 Give me a dick. 1.00

00:55:34.000 Give me a dick. 1.00

00:55:35.000 Give me a fucking hands up. 1.00

00:55:36.000 Hands up. 1.00

00:55:37.000 I got a taser.

00:55:38.000 This is done for your life forever, Sticks.

00:55:43.000 What are you guys doing?

00:55:45.000 I didn't do anything. 0.58

00:55:47.000 If you run, I'm going to tase you. 0.97

00:55:49.000 Face the car. 0.98

00:55:50.000 Hands behind your back.

00:55:52.000 Okay, I didn't do anything.

00:55:55.000 Stop resisting.

00:55:56.000 Oh, stop resisting. 1.00

00:55:58.000 Oh, I would put my fucking thumb right in her ass. 1.00

00:56:00.000 You almost hit me. 1.00

00:56:01.000 Oh, I think you're holding something.

00:56:04.000 Would you be like this?

00:56:05.000 Oh, yeah.

00:56:09.000 What about my heart?

00:56:12.000 Is she upset?

00:56:15.000 Is she crying?

00:56:18.000 Or laughing?

00:56:19.000 You should be trying a little better.

00:56:22.000 Can you zoom out so we can see the subtitles?

00:56:26.000 You said you should be trained a little better.

00:56:30.000 She's got a Jew-y vibe. 1.00

00:56:34.000 I bet she's in a fucking amazing way. 1.00

00:56:37.000 What gives it away, the nose? 1.00

00:56:39.000 Such a fucking racist, man. 1.00

00:56:41.000 She can smell dinner tomorrow. 1.00

00:56:43.000 She's only got a big nose because the air is free.

00:56:46.000 That woman would be the best lay of your life, guaranteed. 1.00

00:56:55.000 You fuck her in the ass. 1.00

00:56:56.000 You don't want to keep a virginity for a husband. 1.00

00:56:59.000 A husband Hiram.

00:57:02.000 Her marriage fell apart because she kept cheating on him. 1.00

00:57:04.000 Because she's an insatiable whore. 1.00

00:57:07.000 Can you call my husband Saul or Abe? 1.00

00:57:11.000 Rebecca, calm down. 1.00

00:57:13.000 Calm down, Rebecca.

00:57:14.000 You're making it worse.

00:57:17.000 What?

00:57:18.000 You want to make me in jail?

00:57:19.000 Rhoda, will you calm down?

00:57:20.000 You're making it worse.

00:57:21.000 You're going to cost me so much in lawyer fees.

00:57:22.000 I got to get a lawyer.

00:57:23.000 Don't worry.

00:57:25.000 Your cousin Abe, he's a good lawyer.

00:57:26.000 He'll get you out.

00:57:27.000 We'll call Saul.

00:57:28.000 He'll get the bail. 1.00

00:57:33.000 She's dressed like she just came from the fucking hot yoga studio. 1.00

00:57:43.000 I bet her pussy smells like a warm turtle tank. 1.00

00:57:47.000 Probably over there drinking wine or something. 1.00

00:57:49.000 But this is probably a small department like Scarsdale.

00:57:53.000 Whitefish.

00:57:54.000 What is that?

00:57:54.000 Whitefish Bay?

00:57:55.000 Yeah, Whitefish.

00:57:55.000 What did they get over there?

00:57:57.000 There's probably one bank in the town.

00:58:00.000 I'll look it up.

00:58:01.000 Whitefish Bay.

00:58:01.000 It's a one-horse town.

00:58:05.000 It's on one of the Great Lakes.

00:58:07.000 Wisconsin, right?

00:58:08.000 Yeah, Wisconsin.

00:58:12.000 Yeah, it's a cute little town. 1.00

00:58:14.000 Yeah, and they got the fucking crime of the century here. 0.99

00:58:18.000 Two hours and 41 minutes from here, $130 by plane. 0.99

00:58:22.000 Where is it?

00:58:24.000 Population 14,000?

00:58:27.000 Yeah.

00:58:28.000 That's the whole police force. 1.00

00:58:32.000 Problem is these tiny, small fucking jobs like that, they get so excited because they don't ever actually have to deal with shit. 1.00

00:58:38.000 So they get so fucking excited for this kind of shit, and it's the best thing ever. 0.99

00:58:45.000 That's an old-fashioned mic, too. 1.00

00:58:47.000 It's just north of Milwaukee.

00:58:49.000 Well, Milwaukee's a real police department.

00:58:52.000 Yeah, it's basically the Westchester of Milwaukee.

00:58:57.000 It's like the Pelham of Milwaukee.

00:59:02.000 At least she got to keep her vape.

00:59:08.000 Thank God.

00:59:11.000 I like that kind of body.

00:59:13.000 Just a little bit of meat on the belly.

00:59:16.000 You can't have this.

00:59:17.000 Let go.

00:59:18.000 No.

00:59:19.000 Who says?

00:59:21.000 Who says?

00:59:23.000 Hey, somebody else come over here, please.

00:59:26.000 Take Paulie from him. 1.00

00:59:27.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:59:32.000 Never mind. 1.00

00:59:38.000 You want to take this?

00:59:39.000 Yeah. 0.79

00:59:41.000 So much of police work just looks so fucking tedious. 0.99

00:59:44.000 Oh, you have no fucking idea. 0.99

00:59:46.000 Oh, no, that's okay. 1.00

00:59:47.000 Like, this is just babysitting a bad kid.

00:59:51.000 It's not just even that.

00:59:52.000 It's like she got detention. 1.00

00:59:53.000 You gotta take her shit. 1.00

00:59:55.000 You gotta fucking log all her property. 1.00

00:59:57.000 You gotta go through it. 1.00

00:59:58.000 You know, if she's a dewey, you gotta put her in a fucking room. 1.00

01:00:02.000 You gotta watch her for 20 minutes. 1.00

01:00:04.000 And you gotta ask her if she wants to take the test.

01:00:06.000 And you gotta watch her again. 1.00

01:00:08.000 It's a fucking absolute nightmare. 1.00

01:00:10.000 Everything about it is fucking miserable. 1.00

01:00:12.000 And if she starts just scratching her face for no reason, now that's your problem. 1.00

01:00:16.000 She's got a scratched up face. 1.00

01:00:18.000 What's that little fucking ring you put keys on? 1.00

01:00:21.000 You know those metal rings where you slide the key in the middle? 0.99

01:00:24.000 Yeah, a little loop.

01:00:25.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:00:26.000 Carabiner?

01:00:28.000 He took that loop, and it was a thicker loop. 0.99

01:00:31.000 Like, you know, they come in fucking, they're really very thin-sized. 1.00

01:00:34.000 Anyway, he straightened it out somehow and was stabbing himself in the fucking balls. 1.00

01:00:39.000 In the balls? 1.00

01:00:40.000 In the balls. 1.00

01:00:41.000 And they didn't find him after he had plunged it like seven or eight times into his cock. 1.00

01:00:45.000 He was bleeding fucking everywhere. 1.00

01:00:47.000 And now you're getting sued because you allowed a man to stab himself in the ball. 1.00

01:00:51.000 You think Maddie got bad balls. 0.98

01:00:53.000 If you lost all your vacation, you'd be lucky. 1.00

01:00:55.000 Because you obviously didn't fucking search him. 0.99

01:00:58.000 Guys got jammed the fuck up. 1.00

01:00:59.000 Not only are you babysitting these fucking drunk retards, but if they're actual fucking crazy people and they do something, you're now responsible for them. 1.00

01:01:07.000 We really never enforced DWI at all in the Bronx. 1.00

01:01:10.000 That wasn't done at all.

01:01:12.000 Oh, really?

01:01:13.000 Highway 1 did it, but we never did that. 0.97

01:01:15.000 But if it was a drug collar and we were on the scene, if they had a phone, if they had money, we would fucking give it away. 0.88

01:01:21.000 We're going to have to voucher it. 0.93

01:01:22.000 Give it to a family member.

01:01:25.000 You get large sums of money. 1.00

01:01:27.000 They hold that shit for fucking ever. 1.00

01:01:29.000 Listen, I get it. 1.00

01:01:30.000 It's probably fucking illegal money. 0.97

01:01:31.000 You only have to take $100 to central booking. 0.97

01:01:34.000 Anything over $100 has to be vouchered.

01:01:36.000 John, do you ever feel bad that you devoted so many years of your life to fighting cocaine, which is basically just weed?

01:01:42.000 What a waste.

01:01:44.000 This is nose beers.

01:01:45.000 We made a difference.

01:01:47.000 You were a nose beer cop.

01:01:48.000 Thanks.

01:01:49.000 We made a difference.

01:01:50.000 I like to think I made a difference.

01:01:52.000 How many people OD'd on cocaine?

01:01:55.000 Chris Farley?

01:01:56.000 No, that was heroin and coke.

01:01:59.000 John Belushi?

01:02:00.000 That was heroin and coke.

01:02:01.000 But it was coke.

01:02:03.000 It was the heroin that did it.

01:02:05.000 You can't definitively say which one killed him.

01:02:07.000 Yes, I can.

01:02:08.000 Cocaine is just coffee weed.

01:02:12.000 I'm not anti-cocaine.

01:02:14.000 I'm anti-fentanil.

01:02:15.000 That's why I won't do cocaine.

01:02:16.000 Oh, absolutely.

01:02:17.000 Fentanil I want off the streets.

01:02:19.000 But cocaine?

01:02:20.000 Yeah, but you know what the problem is? 0.99

01:02:22.000 If I get fucking... 0.99

01:02:23.000 I'd love to do cocaine. 1.00

01:02:24.000 It was fantastic. 1.00

01:02:24.000 But if you fucking... 1.00

01:02:26.000 If I get fentanyl, my friends will still... 1.00

01:02:27.000 They'll just keep my number in the group chat and continually text me while I'm dead. 1.00

01:02:31.000 And I can't let them talk shit about you. 0.98

01:02:33.000 Yeah, I remember you saying that. 0.99

01:02:34.000 That you don't want to do cocaine because it might have fentanyl and then you'd be made fun of in your grave.

01:02:39.000 Yep.

01:02:40.000 Let's jump over to a subject we rarely get to on this show called cop emails.

01:02:50.000 How's your ball?

01:02:51.000 Matt, can you get a Corona?

01:02:53.000 Yep.

01:02:53.000 It's getting better?

01:02:55.000 These things are tasting like I'm going to a casino after this.

01:02:58.000 You are?

01:03:00.000 I haven't been up there in a long time.

01:03:02.000 You've got pictures.

01:03:07.000 Unless you guys want to go to the bar.

01:03:11.000 One more, one more, please.

01:03:15.000 You've got to have a full one.

01:03:17.000 This email is from a guy named Ty, and his subject for this particular email is so sad to hear.

01:03:25.000 Matty passed away.

01:03:27.000 I don't know what you heard, sir.

01:03:28.000 Matty's right here.

01:03:29.000 His left ball is at death's door.

01:03:32.000 He's definitely not doing great, but he is alive as of January 16th, 9.04 p.m.

01:03:41.000 The man is alive.

01:03:44.000 I don't know what this...

01:03:46.000 I will remember you. 1.00

01:03:50.000 You ugly motherfucker. 1.00

01:03:52.000 I will remember you. 1.00

01:03:55.000 Resisting arrest.

01:04:00.000 Yeah, I think that's a misunderstanding.

01:04:02.000 I don't think Matty actually died.

01:04:04.000 He definitely was very upset about being arrested for something that you don't have.

01:04:11.000 Can I just say what Ron and Tim were trying to say and Stiggs and John?

01:04:17.000 This is their contention.

01:04:19.000 I don't want to get you riled up.

01:04:22.000 So there's a guy in a white t-shirt who punched an old lady.

01:04:26.000 The cops see me on the street and they go, sir, you're being detained.

01:04:30.000 A woman was punched by a guy in a white t-shirt with a funny mustache.

01:04:34.000 And I go, okay, okay.

01:04:36.000 So we're going to drive her by in the cruiser and she's going to look at you and if you're the guy, you're in trouble.

01:04:40.000 If you're not, you're free to go.

01:04:42.000 Okay, okay.

01:04:43.000 It's called a show up.

01:04:44.000 So then I just start running.

01:04:47.000 I just take off.

01:04:49.000 The cop...

01:04:53.000 The cop tackles me and now I'm arrested for resisting arrest.

01:04:57.000 What is the arrest?

01:04:59.000 Obstruction of a government action.

01:05:01.000 What was the government action?

01:05:02.000 Doing the, what do you call it?

01:05:04.000 The show up.

01:05:06.000 I obstructed the show up by running away.

01:05:09.000 So that is my arrest.

01:05:10.000 Well, OGA is a totally different charge. 0.98

01:05:15.000 So if I go to arrest Matty fucking shoplifts, or at least we think Matty shoplifts, right? 0.99

01:05:21.000 Which he does. 0.99

01:05:23.000 Well, of course.

01:05:23.000 But hypothetically speaking, it's not him this time.

01:05:26.000 I go, I put him in the fucking street. 1.00

01:05:29.000 Shopkeeper says, that guy in the fucking lime green shirt is fucking stole a pack of fucking Magnum Rockets. 1.00

01:05:35.000 With the bald head and the big bull. 1.00

01:05:37.000 I put him in cuffs.

01:05:38.000 I go to put him in cuffs. 0.99

01:05:39.000 He begins to fucking fight me. 0.99

01:05:40.000 You know, now... 0.99

01:05:42.000 It turns out it wasn't him. 1.00

01:05:43.000 It was some other fucking autistic retard in a lime green shirt who stole it. 1.00

01:05:47.000 However, he was resisting what was a lawful arrest. 0.99

01:05:51.000 So even though he's not going to be charged with...

01:05:53.000 I wasn't arrested though.

01:05:54.000 He's charged with resisting because he resists it.

01:05:57.000 It's like the poll law.

01:05:58.000 You can't resist a lawful arrest. 0.90

01:06:01.000 So even if you do and it's not bullshit, you're still going to be charged with resisting.

01:06:05.000 Thank you, Matt. 0.98

01:06:06.000 Don't ever argue with us again.

01:06:08.000 I wasn't arrested for anything. 0.99

01:06:11.000 No, you were being arrested for shoplifting, for fucking pennant larceny. 0.98

01:06:15.000 See, but no, no, no. 0.99

01:06:16.000 See, I was under arrest.

01:06:18.000 I was under arrest for shoplifting.

01:06:21.000 So, yes, it turns out it wasn't you.

01:06:25.000 However, during the time we had probable cause to arrest you because somebody pointed you out.

01:06:30.000 Right, but the underlying arrest, quote unquote, the underlying reason you were placing me in the custody was for a crime.

01:06:36.000 Yes.

01:06:37.000 Right.

01:06:37.000 But if it turns out you...

01:06:38.000 Now, here's the thing.

01:06:40.000 You could have the original charge thrown out and still have the...

01:06:43.000 But we won't even charge you for that.

01:06:44.000 But you won't put that on the online booking sheet.

01:06:46.000 No cop in the history of the world ever wrote up a report, a complaint that says he was arrested for resisting arrest and that's it.

01:06:54.000 Ever.

01:06:55.000 Obviously not.

01:06:56.000 But you were only charged when that we were trying to say.

01:06:59.000 You're not going to be solely arrested for resisting arrest, but you're going to be charged only for resisting arrest. 0.99

01:07:06.000 That could be the sole fucking charge. 0.95

01:07:08.000 Right, because you threw out the original charge. 0.97

01:07:10.000 What's the next email?

01:07:11.000 The next email is called Cute Little Cops and Robert EDP Story.

01:07:16.000 You guys might find it interesting.

01:07:18.000 This is sent from a guy who calls himself Count Krizak.

01:07:22.000 And he sent this on January 5th.

01:07:24.000 We've seen it last week.

01:07:25.000 Oh, did we show this? 0.90

01:07:26.000 This is about the retards that hang out in the precinct. 1.00

01:07:29.000 Yeah, we talked about this. 0.62

01:07:31.000 Ron knew a guy there.

01:07:33.000 They all did.

01:07:34.000 One of Ron's retards. 0.84

01:07:36.000 It's amazing.

01:07:37.000 There are cop retards. 1.00

01:07:39.000 There are fire department retards. 0.99

01:07:40.000 There are truck retards. 1.00

01:07:42.000 There's no shortage of retards. 1.00

01:07:45.000 You weren't here last week, right? 0.92

01:07:46.000 No.

01:07:47.000 No, it was here on Monday. 0.97

01:07:48.000 Did you have any fucking, like, guys that hung out at the precinct that thought they were cops, like they were civilians, though? 0.97

01:07:53.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:07:53.000 But you treated them like cops. 0.99

01:07:55.000 We had one of the kids who became a cop.

01:07:58.000 Actually, my trainee.

01:07:59.000 My trainee. 0.99

01:08:01.000 Fucking, one of the only Jewish cops we've ever had. 1.00

01:08:03.000 Super Jew. 1.00

01:08:05.000 He was the guy.

01:08:06.000 He used to have a scanner and he would go to calls, like alarm calls in his area, and check the house before the cops got there.

01:08:13.000 He would come and they would let him dispatch when he was like 13 years old. 0.90

01:08:16.000 And he would dispatch like he was really fucking good at it. 0.99

01:08:19.000 And yeah, we have our own retards. 0.99

01:08:22.000 We had a real retard. 1.00

01:08:23.000 He's a cop now, yeah. 0.98

01:08:25.000 Remember that cop with his sexy sister who was a barmaid at the Cellar Bar? 0.99

01:08:31.000 And he was a really weird dude?

01:08:32.000 Yes. 1.00

01:08:33.000 She works for the fucking marshals now. 1.00

01:08:36.000 Yeah, she's a marshal. 1.00

01:08:37.000 She's hot as fuck for a little while. 1.00

01:08:38.000 She's a fucking... 1.00

01:08:39.000 She was a smoke show. 1.00

01:08:40.000 She turned into a fucking lesbian and out of a lesbian, but she was a fucking banger for a little while. 1.00

01:08:45.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:08:46.000 She's working with the U.S. Marshal Service?

01:08:48.000 Wait, hold on a second.

01:08:49.000 Was she short? 1.00

01:08:51.000 Yeah, did you know her?

01:08:52.000 Was her name Alexis, I think?

01:08:54.000 I think you knew her.

01:08:55.000 No, dark hair.

01:08:56.000 Very pretty. 1.00

01:08:57.000 Fake tits. 1.00

01:08:58.000 She was short. 1.00

01:08:59.000 She was short, yeah. 1.00

01:09:00.000 She was short.

01:09:01.000 Brunette looked Latina, kind of? 1.00

01:09:02.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:09:02.000 But she was Latina.

01:09:03.000 She was like Puerto Rican. 0.98

01:09:04.000 She's not.

01:09:05.000 She's Italian.

01:09:06.000 Did you hit that, Ryan?

01:09:07.000 No, I did not hit that.

01:09:08.000 Probably did.

01:09:09.000 But we hung out, if that's the one that we rode bikes together.

01:09:12.000 She's a little crazy. 1.00

01:09:13.000 Did you go to church with her?

01:09:14.000 You rode bikes together?

01:09:15.000 Like bicycles?

01:09:16.000 Yeah, bikes. 1.00

01:09:17.000 Or did you ride her ass? 1.00

01:09:18.000 I did not ride her ass. 1.00

01:09:20.000 No, her brother's very strange. 1.00

01:09:22.000 He's a good dude.

01:09:23.000 But, yes, I know exactly who you're talking about.

01:09:25.000 You got transferred to, like, Connecticut or something.

01:09:28.000 A little bit farther north, then there's a show.

01:09:31.000 Here's a porch, yes.

01:09:32.000 Elmsford.

01:09:33.000 Albuquerque? 1.00

01:09:34.000 Which is a fucking shithole. 1.00

01:09:35.000 Like, it's not a nice place. 1.00

01:09:37.000 Like, people think they go to these small towns, some of them are great. 1.00

01:09:40.000 Elmsford is a fucking complete shithole. 1.00

01:09:42.000 Hmm. 1.00

01:09:44.000 I used to go up there to Sports Time USA. No more there?

01:09:46.000 Yeah.

01:09:47.000 No more there.

01:09:49.000 They had the big theater up there.

01:09:52.000 Broadway Theater? 0.99

01:09:54.000 Okay, so this is called Cops and Robbers Video Drunk Horny Bitch. 1.00

01:10:00.000 It was sent to us. 0.87

01:10:02.000 I screen all these emails, so if someone sends us a video, I watch it first.

01:10:10.000 We're going to make out here.

01:10:11.000 No, we're not.

01:10:11.000 Turn off the lights.

01:10:12.000 Turn off the lights.

01:10:14.000 We're going to make out. 0.98

01:10:16.000 Oh, she's horny. 1.00

01:10:17.000 I remember this one. 0.99

01:10:19.000 I got to pee, bro.

01:10:20.000 I know.

01:10:21.000 I got to pee, bro.

01:10:23.000 I got to pee, bro.

01:10:25.000 What if she really insisted that she wanted to make out?

01:10:28.000 Would it be okay?

01:10:30.000 It's okay with me as a taxpayer. 1.00

01:10:33.000 Goddamn. 0.99

01:10:34.000 All right. 0.99

01:10:34.000 You in that suit? 0.99

01:10:36.000 I would do fucking anything for you. 1.00

01:10:39.000 Can you put your feet together? 1.00

01:10:41.000 I'm going to put my feet together.

01:10:43.000 And your hands on your side.

01:10:44.000 Whatever you say, Daddy.

01:10:45.000 Okay.

01:10:46.000 Now, before we start.

01:10:48.000 No, let's grab my flashlight.

01:10:50.000 Whatever you want, Daddy.

01:10:51.000 Okay.

01:10:52.000 I don't know if I'd be able to say no. 0.99

01:10:56.000 A man can refuse three blowjobs. 1.00

01:11:00.000 He cannot refuse four. 0.98

01:11:02.000 That's why I never get mad at like...

01:11:03.000 Johnny Knoxville and Brad Pitt and like...

01:11:06.000 Did you just pull his shirt up?

01:11:08.000 She got a tank top on, it looks like.

01:11:10.000 Hooters. 1.00

01:11:10.000 Women are trying to fuck you. 1.00

01:11:12.000 Listen, alright. 1.00

01:11:13.000 Maddie, I'm sorry.

01:11:13.000 You gotta go.

01:11:14.000 Since Hooters.

01:11:15.000 Put that up to the corner.

01:11:17.000 Zoom out there, Brian. 0.96

01:11:19.000 I think we're missing tits. 1.00

01:11:20.000 We're missing tits. 1.00

01:11:21.000 It's a Hooters shirt. 1.00

01:11:23.000 She's so fucking dirty and sexy. 1.00

01:11:26.000 I am wearing contacts. 1.00

01:11:28.000 Hey, Sophia.

01:11:32.000 This is why body cams are bad.

01:11:46.000 This could have been handled privately. 0.99

01:11:50.000 This could have been handled with a quick blowjob and you're on your way. 0.98

01:11:57.000 Okay, do you want to try this first exercise for me? 0.98

01:11:59.000 I don't want to do anything for everybody.

01:12:01.000 I don't cheat on my wife, but it's because no one is knocking on this door. 0.99

01:12:06.000 Clearly.

01:12:07.000 If they kept knocking on the door, eventually I think...

01:12:10.000 But you see, she's like, I'll let you do anything to me.

01:12:12.000 Those are my magic words.

01:12:15.000 Why'd you stop the video?

01:12:16.000 Is it done?

01:12:17.000 Yeah, it started looping. 1.00

01:12:18.000 Oh, shit. 0.99

01:12:19.000 What's going on with you there? 1.00

01:12:20.000 Squinting and grunting and...

01:12:22.000 I'm in pain.

01:12:23.000 Are you in pain, Daddy?

01:12:27.000 I thought you'd do anything to me, Dad.

01:12:29.000 Matty, it could be worse.

01:12:30.000 It could be me.

01:12:31.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:12:31.000 Florida homeowner shoots and kills illegal Mexican breaking into his home. 0.99

01:12:36.000 Nice. 0.99

01:12:37.000 This is always...

01:12:38.000 I don't know why this is so pleasant.

01:12:40.000 I know why this is so pleasant.

01:12:40.000 Matty, put a bottle of Corona down there and cool it all.

01:12:42.000 That's what you need.

01:12:44.000 Do you want me to just...

01:12:45.000 You know what would help?

01:12:46.000 Mouth, right?

01:12:46.000 I put an ice cube in my mouth and then I blow on it.

01:12:52.000 Why the mouth?

01:12:53.000 Why would that be necessary?

01:12:54.000 Because there's cold air on his ball.

01:12:55.000 Sure, couldn't you just put the ice on the ball?

01:12:57.000 I'm worried about him getting a frostbite.

01:13:00.000 Okay, put a paper towel around it.

01:13:03.000 What if you put the ice in your mouth and you put the ball in your mouth?

01:13:06.000 It's perfectly safe.

01:13:07.000 The only thing I think would be safe is if I was to put an ice cube in there and just go right up against the ball skin.

01:13:16.000 I got no problem with that.

01:13:18.000 I do.

01:13:19.000 You know how much a Birkin bag is?

01:13:21.000 I was talking about this with Kyle last night at the bar.

01:13:24.000 I thought they were like $10,000.

01:13:26.000 They're $300,000.

01:13:28.000 A Birkin bag?

01:13:30.000 Hermes Birkin handbag.

01:13:33.000 What about just a pair of Birkin stocks?

01:13:36.000 Those are much cheaper.

01:13:37.000 But a Birkin bag is $300,000.

01:13:40.000 Is it made of scrotal skin?

01:13:43.000 Is there somebody with a Birkin inside you?

01:13:45.000 You just can't walk into the store and buy that.

01:13:47.000 No, you have to wait.

01:13:49.000 It takes, like, years.

01:13:50.000 Yeah, you have to be, like, on a shopping list that you've bought so many bags. 1.00

01:13:53.000 Women are so fucking stupid. 1.00

01:13:55.000 I'm sorry, ladies. 1.00

01:13:55.000 I love you. 1.00

01:13:56.000 You create life.

01:13:58.000 You're an integral part of society, but you should not be allowed. 0.99

01:14:01.000 Back in the fucking 40s, women were allotted money from their husband to go shopping. 1.00

01:14:05.000 This is what happens when you gain your independence. 0.99

01:14:08.000 You buy a $300,000 handbag.

01:14:11.000 Wait, does this have any, like, features to it? 0.99

01:14:14.000 Or is it, you just open it up and put shit in there? 0.99

01:14:17.000 I mean, the only way it could justify its expense is if it's made of human skin. 0.99

01:14:22.000 And even then, it would have to be very fancy human skin like a virgin. 1.00

01:14:27.000 Or a fucking genie comes out of it when you open it up. 0.99

01:14:30.000 I paid a good amount for this wallet. 0.99

01:14:31.000 Yeah, but yeah, you just can't walk in and buy that. 0.99

01:14:33.000 You ever see those fucking stories of Rockefeller when they were in their fucking 20s or whatever? 1.00

01:14:38.000 When they just had so much fucking money and there was nothing to do and they would just buy dumb shit and they would do it. 1.00

01:14:43.000 That's what that is. 1.00

01:14:44.000 That's a dumb shit purchase you buy when you are fucking stupid wealthy and you have nothing else to spend your money on. 1.00

01:14:51.000 It's when money is garbage. 1.00

01:14:52.000 You almost hate money. 0.96

01:14:54.000 This thing right here cost me like a hundred...

01:14:56.000 Bucks or just around there?

01:14:58.000 Uh-huh.

01:14:58.000 But it's got features.

01:14:59.000 But it costs you a yen.

01:15:01.000 What is it?

01:15:02.000 Yeah, like after tech.

01:15:02.000 It's a lot.

01:15:02.000 You pop out your little cards.

01:15:04.000 You got your PBA cards or whatever.

01:15:06.000 It's got a strap.

01:15:07.000 By the way, Ryan has shown me this wallet 13 times.

01:15:10.000 And you can open it like this.

01:15:12.000 And you look cool doing it.

01:15:13.000 He's actually made me do it.

01:15:15.000 He's put it in my hand and made me...

01:15:17.000 Do the Indians get excited when you're at the gas station when you pop it out? 1.00

01:15:20.000 Yeah.

01:15:20.000 You know what he's like?

01:15:21.000 He's like an Aztec or like an Aboriginal in Christopher Columbus days where you show him a mirror. 1.00

01:15:26.000 Or something.

01:15:27.000 It looks like it.

01:15:28.000 We got all his land for that wall. 1.00

01:15:31.000 Except you see his fucking hair. 1.00

01:15:32.000 He clearly doesn't have a mirror. 1.00

01:15:35.000 I can see just fine. 1.00

01:15:37.000 Okay, let's watch this guy killing a Mexican. 0.99

01:15:38.000 That's always heartwarming. 1.00

01:15:44.000 Kill them all. 1.00

01:15:45.000 Let God sort them out. 1.00

01:15:47.000 She's hot. 1.00

01:15:49.000 He's not. 1.00

01:15:51.000 I'd fuck them both. 1.00

01:15:52.000 I'd fuck them both. 1.00

01:15:53.000 I want them to snowball my cum. 1.00

01:15:56.000 All right, let's just play the video. 0.99

01:15:57.000 I'm Mark Wilson and for Linda Hurtado.

01:15:58.000 And I'm Haley Hines.

01:15:59.000 Thanks for joining us.

01:16:00.000 First at five, they were masked and armed with a crowbar.

01:16:04.000 But two men who broke into a Bradenton home last night ended up coming face-to-face with a homeowner who was armed with a gun.

01:16:12.000 Investigators say the homeowner fired shots, killing one of the intruders.

01:16:16.000 You know she loves the nosebeers.

01:16:18.000 To get a hotel with her and an eight ball, it's chaos. 0.63

01:16:21.000 The sheriff is now praising that homeowner.

01:16:29.000 She's not.

01:16:30.000 That one is not fun.

01:16:32.000 Thank you, sir.

01:16:34.000 He says the suspect who was arrested came to the U.S. on a 90-day visa from Chile that expired in September.

01:16:42.000 Just after 9 Thursday night, a man and his wife were in their home on Hickory Hammock Circle in Bradenton's River Club when they got a security alert.

01:16:52.000 This commotion going on.

01:16:53.000 They see these suspects that are masked up, trying to break into the home.

01:16:57.000 They were able to pry that window open.

01:16:59.000 The homeowner only had seconds to act.

01:17:01.000 He knew that something bad was about to happen.

01:17:06.000 He didn't stall.

01:17:07.000 He grabbed his firearm.

01:17:09.000 He told his wife.

01:17:10.000 I want him to be my sheriff.

01:17:12.000 The husband came face to face with the masked men.

01:17:15.000 One was already inside his home and another was climbing through a window.

01:17:19.000 Nearby neighbors heard what happened next.

01:17:21.000 I sat down next to the lanai.

01:17:22.000 The door was open and I... Vividly heard, you know, three gunshots.

01:17:28.000 27-year-old Jorge Nestevan Flores of Mexico, who goes by Annabelle Miller Valencia, was injured and later died.

01:17:36.000 Detectives say he had been arrested for burglary in Illinois and had an active warrant for a parole violation.

01:17:42.000 The other suspect, 39-year-old Michelle Sotomelo, ran off.

01:17:46.000 A manatee sheriff's canine stopped him a few blocks away.

01:17:54.000 Oh, absolutely.

01:17:55.000 That'd be my boyfriend.

01:17:59.000 Everybody's coming. 0.99

01:18:01.000 Yeah, if I was a fag, I wouldn't want a young twink. 1.00

01:18:04.000 I'd want a man like that as my boyfriend. 1.00

01:18:05.000 This is the anus. 0.99

01:18:08.000 I'm in. - Flores Toledo targeted other homes. 0.98

01:18:12.000 In court, Sotomelo used a translator as he was ordered held in custody.

01:18:16.000 - Okay, help me out here, gentlemen.

01:18:19.000 Cops and felon. 1.00

01:18:21.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:18:23.000 Is the benefit of robbing a house? 1.00

01:18:25.000 Yes, at my house, I had a very rare golf bag.

01:18:29.000 That's okay.

01:18:31.000 You got something. 0.94

01:18:32.000 The tools are fucking cheap now. 0.98

01:18:35.000 A power drill is like $20. 0.99

01:18:36.000 So you take my power drill.

01:18:39.000 You're not going to take my table saw.

01:18:41.000 Even my wet vacuum and my pressure washer.

01:18:45.000 It's $30.

01:18:46.000 40 bucks.

01:18:47.000 Okay, what are you going to get, though, for a $40 thing?

01:18:50.000 10 bucks? 1.00

01:18:51.000 You're thinking of it rationally on a fucking person who lives a normal life. 1.00

01:18:55.000 So you're not thinking it from the fucking Mexican immigrant drug dealer, drug user, fucking guy who's desperate for any amount of money. 1.00

01:19:02.000 So those dudes are fucking desperate. 1.00

01:19:04.000 They're not fucking... 0.99

01:19:06.000 There is zero cash in my home right now. 0.99

01:19:08.000 There's zero jewelry.

01:19:11.000 My watch is expensive, but there's no pearl necklace in a drawer.

01:19:16.000 What about the fake rings that you carry?

01:19:19.000 The rings are all here.

01:19:20.000 They're safe in the studio.

01:19:23.000 I don't understand...

01:19:24.000 But you, you're talking about you.

01:19:26.000 You're not thinking about... 1.00

01:19:27.000 You know how many fucking people have all their fucking valuables in the massive bedroom in the top fucking drawer of the fucking... 1.00

01:19:33.000 Still today? 1.00

01:19:34.000 That's like old boomers. 1.00

01:19:35.000 They want to look at it. 1.00

01:19:36.000 Dude, they keep every fucking... 0.99

01:19:38.000 The massive bedroom, top drawer, everything. 0.99

01:19:41.000 But Gen X doesn't wear jewelry anymore. 1.00

01:19:43.000 Like, pearl necklaces, that's a boomer thing. 0.80

01:19:46.000 My wife has no valuable jewelry.

01:19:49.000 I don't think Gen X has... 0.98

01:19:51.000 You'd be absolutely fucking shocked how many people came everything important in the fucking top draw of the massive... 0.95

01:19:57.000 Plus, you don't know the backstory to this. 0.98

01:19:59.000 There might be a reason why they targeted this house.

01:20:01.000 It might be a business owner, and he thought there was money in there.

01:20:05.000 I remember in the 80s, they would rob homes because there was VCRs.

01:20:11.000 They had resale value.

01:20:13.000 There was...

01:20:14.000 TVs.

01:20:15.000 TVs are $100 now.

01:20:16.000 That monitor right there in front of you, Matty, that's $100.

01:20:19.000 This monitor is $100. 0.99

01:20:21.000 But you act like $100 to you is fucking nothing. 1.00

01:20:26.000 $20 an M is a fucking hit of crack. 1.00

01:20:28.000 And that's enough to get you through the motherfucking night. 1.00

01:20:31.000 Okay, if I needed... 0.99

01:20:32.000 I'd rather roll people on the street.

01:20:35.000 Grab someone's wallet. 0.98

01:20:36.000 The Mexicans, they can't roll people on the street. 1.00

01:20:39.000 They're midgets. 1.00

01:20:41.000 Yeah, there's no fucking milk in Mexico. 1.00

01:20:43.000 Nobody grows. 1.00

01:20:46.000 So that's why they don't roll people. 0.98

01:20:49.000 One of our seven dwarfs?

01:20:52.000 The dwarf Pablo. 0.99

01:20:54.000 Like all the shit they got from my garage, I would say each item was maybe resale value. 0.99

01:21:01.000 The golf clubs are a lot. 0.99

01:21:03.000 Maybe that was $40.

01:21:04.000 And then everything else, maybe $10.

01:21:08.000 Maybe.

01:21:08.000 It's easy money.

01:21:10.000 You know, that's not a crime.

01:21:11.000 The problem is robbing people is a crime of aggression.

01:21:14.000 Burglarizing is a cowardly crime.

01:21:16.000 So you're not trying to confront anyone. 1.00

01:21:19.000 You just want to get shit, get the fuck out, make a quick score. 0.99

01:21:22.000 You know, if you hit something good, then you're fucking, you know, you made it big. 1.00

01:21:27.000 But now you've got a power drill. 0.97

01:21:30.000 You've got a Ryobi power drill. 0.99

01:21:32.000 Okay, now I've got, what, I put this on fucking Facebook Marketplace? 0.99

01:21:37.000 What do I do with this? 0.99

01:21:39.000 They go to Home Depot and sell to somebody for fucking ten bucks. 0.99

01:21:42.000 Listen, you're living in a white Jewish tablehood up there in Westchester. 1.00

01:21:46.000 There's a lot of your neighbors. 1.00

01:21:47.000 They got plenty of fucking money and they keep it there. 1.00

01:21:50.000 No, they don't. 1.00

01:21:51.000 You'd be surprised.

01:21:53.000 I went to a burglary.

01:21:54.000 I don't know if you've ever...

01:21:55.000 Actually, up the street from where you live, there used to be a driving range.

01:21:59.000 It was made into a...

01:22:00.000 I know it. 1.00

01:22:02.000 Very affluent fucking homes. 1.00

01:22:05.000 Now it's a great place to get an $18 freshly squeezed orange juice. 0.99

01:22:09.000 Well, that's always been there, but past that, so these places, there was guys that were burglarizing New Rochelle, Eastchester, all these places because they were right off the highway, and they'd be able to get on and get right back off.

01:22:19.000 They went to these places. 0.93

01:22:21.000 They stole these fucking sterling silver candlesticks that had been smuggled from Germany during the war. 1.00

01:22:29.000 They were literally fucking... 1.00

01:22:30.000 They made of Jew skin. 1.00

01:22:32.000 Yeah, they were silver wrapped in Jew skin with tattoos. 1.00

01:22:36.000 And big noses. 0.99

01:22:37.000 Jews! 1.00

01:22:39.000 But they were literally probably worth fucking... 1.00

01:22:42.000 I mean, just the silver value was something ridiculous. 0.99

01:22:46.000 They were pounds and pounds of it.

01:22:48.000 They got that. 1.00

01:22:49.000 They got a fucking menorah that was fucking... 1.00

01:22:51.000 Okay, that's a very unique thing now. 1.00

01:22:53.000 You gotta sell.

01:22:54.000 You're right, but you never know what you're getting into. 1.00

01:22:55.000 So that could happen at any fucking house. 0.99

01:22:57.000 You'd be surprised what people have there. 1.00

01:22:58.000 And plus, people who have cash in their house, they're not going to tell the fucking police, hey, they took 80 grand. 0.98

01:23:04.000 Why not? 0.98

01:23:05.000 Because they're going to say, what do you got 80 grand in your house for? 0.98

01:23:07.000 There's a guy who owns a very fucking famous pizza place in the Bronx, got hit for fucking 500 grand he had in a safe. 0.99

01:23:15.000 No way. 0.99

01:23:15.000 Yep. 0.99

01:23:16.000 Why the fuck would any retard, that's kind of what I'm saying right now, keep 500 grand in cash? 1.00

01:23:22.000 Because you... 1.00

01:23:22.000 It's so much you can't put it in the bank. 1.00

01:23:24.000 Put it in a safety deposit box. 0.99

01:23:26.000 Yeah, but you're not paying taxes on it, so you can't fucking, you know, you can only put nine grand at a time in the fucking bank. 0.99

01:23:33.000 Safety deposit box. 0.97

01:23:34.000 You're not allowed to put cash in a safety deposit box, technically. 0.98

01:23:37.000 The problem with safety deposit boxes is he knows he's fucking dirty, he knows he's cheating the government. 0.98

01:23:44.000 If they get an audit on him, they know he has the... 0.99

01:23:47.000 They'll go right there, the IRS. If you've got the money in your house, you can bring it over to your brother's house, you can bring it here, here.

01:23:52.000 If you know you've got it in a bank, the IRS might come after you. 0.98

01:23:56.000 It was clearly an inside thing, but he had fucking 500 grand. 0.98

01:23:59.000 Okay, well you're talking about a criminal now. 0.99

01:24:00.000 If you can't declare 500 grand, you're a criminal.

01:24:04.000 My question is the other 98% of the population, and I know boomers had diamond earrings and pearl necklaces.

01:24:11.000 My generation doesn't like fancy jewelry.

01:24:14.000 They don't even really like diamond engagement rings. 0.99

01:24:18.000 They get fucking cubic zirconium things. 0.98

01:24:21.000 All our computers are password protected. 0.99

01:24:25.000 You can't steal my computer.

01:24:27.000 I know where it is.

01:24:28.000 So we don't really have anything of value in our homes.

01:24:31.000 When you take those computers, you can bring them down to Mexico and they'll work down there.

01:24:36.000 Okay.

01:24:38.000 Okay.

01:24:38.000 That's exactly what I'm saying, though, John.

01:24:40.000 Now you've got to get down to Mexico.

01:24:42.000 But this is what these people do for a living.

01:24:44.000 They know exactly what to do.

01:24:46.000 They know exactly what to steal.

01:24:48.000 If you're getting five laptops a night, of course you're going to have a place to sell them. 0.99

01:24:52.000 It's always with a black guy. 1.00

01:24:54.000 I'm going to be honest with you. 0.83

01:24:55.000 You're really thinking along very rational lines.

01:24:58.000 You've got to stop thinking like that.

01:24:59.000 You've got to think of day-to-day lines.

01:25:01.000 What can get me till tomorrow?

01:25:03.000 That's all they're worried about. 0.99

01:25:05.000 So they're retards. 1.00

01:25:06.000 Dude, they're not high-end fucking burgers. 1.00

01:25:08.000 This ain't Ocean fucking 13. It's fucking Mexico six and a half. 1.00

01:25:13.000 But if there's no cash back on these endeavors, then you're going to stop doing them. 1.00

01:25:20.000 My garage pocketed them $40, and they risk getting shot in the head. 0.97

01:25:26.000 It's fucking $40 more than they had, and it's a fix. 0.99

01:25:30.000 You're thinking of... 0.99

01:25:32.000 You're thinking along the very rational lines.

01:25:34.000 You need to stop thinking about that.

01:25:36.000 That's not how they think.

01:25:38.000 And that was an organized group that hit your house.

01:25:41.000 And they're going up and down the East Coast.

01:25:43.000 They're making a fortune.

01:25:44.000 In the South Bronx or in the 4-6 or the 5-2, the people that are burglarized in your house, you live on the fourth floor, it's probably the people from the third floor that are doing it. 1.00

01:25:54.000 These fucking people, they don't fucking... 1.00

01:25:56.000 Travel up the Westchester. 1.00

01:25:57.000 They go right in their neighborhood and they steal anything that's not nailed down.

01:26:00.000 They are coming at levels that you haven't even seen.

01:26:02.000 I don't know, man. 1.00

01:26:02.000 It just seems like a fucking pain in the ass to now unload this thing that you stole. 1.00

01:26:07.000 It's a terrible way to make a living. 1.00

01:26:08.000 Now you've got a TV. Hey, anyone want to buy a TV? I'm on...

01:26:13.000 But they might have...

01:26:14.000 They're doing it every day.

01:26:15.000 They might have 20 televisions.

01:26:17.000 They've got plenty of people that will take care of it.

01:26:19.000 It's a business.

01:26:22.000 Alright.

01:26:23.000 You ever hear of stolen property? 1.00

01:26:26.000 You live in a fucking white world, alright? 1.00

01:26:28.000 You're not cultured. 1.00

01:26:30.000 Yeah, you're fucking like a... 1.00

01:26:32.000 I believe the proper term would be called a fence. 1.00

01:26:34.000 It happens you live from Canada, you fucking pussy. 1.00

01:26:37.000 Well, the reason I bring this up, though, is I've always been middle class, but I remember getting robbed a lot more in the 80s and early 90s because there was more marketable things like VCRs, speakers. 1.00

01:26:50.000 Every family in the 80s had a stereo system with speakers.

01:26:56.000 And it was like, you'd pay off your speakers.

01:26:58.000 It would take you like six months to pay for your speakers.

01:27:01.000 Now...

01:27:03.000 Car stereos that you'd pull out.

01:27:04.000 People are like, oh my god, they're stealing car stereos? 0.99

01:27:06.000 Like, who the fuck does that anymore? 0.99

01:27:07.000 Yeah, you would park somewhere, you would remove the front of your fucking car radio, and you'd put that in your pocket and bring that into the bar. 0.99

01:27:15.000 So what I'm saying is, back when I was young, in the early 90s, there was shit that was worth something. 0.98

01:27:21.000 Now, everything is personalized and it's got no resale value. 1.00

01:27:25.000 Stop voting for Biden, you piece of shit. 1.00

01:27:28.000 Okay, I will. 1.00

01:27:29.000 I think you're mistaken, Gavin.

01:27:31.000 I think there's a lot more people than you know it that has jewelry laying around their house.

01:27:37.000 Especially females. 1.00

01:27:39.000 And that's what they're doing.

01:27:41.000 They're going in there grabbing a jewelry box.

01:27:43.000 There might be $100,000 of jewelry in there.

01:27:45.000 Or you got an engagement ring.

01:27:47.000 It sounds vaguely anti-Semitic the way you pronounce jewelry.

01:27:50.000 Jewelry. 1.00

01:27:51.000 It's always fucking inside shit, unless it's some kind of organized ring, We had guys take fucking a safe and they rolled it down the fucking stairs. 1.00

01:28:08.000 It's like a million dollar burglary. 1.00

01:28:11.000 Literally, it had a million dollars worth of property in a safe. 0.99

01:28:13.000 They rolled it and threw it down the fucking stairs. 0.99

01:28:15.000 What was the property? 1.00

01:28:15.000 Jewelry? 1.00

01:28:16.000 Jewelry and cash. 0.99

01:28:18.000 You know, all kinds of shit like that. 1.00

01:28:20.000 Whatever fucking expensive shit. 1.00

01:28:21.000 Probably jewelry and cash. 1.00

01:28:22.000 Probably gold.

01:28:23.000 Delicious fries.

01:28:25.000 I think we're doing good for jobs.

01:28:27.000 That's 9,000 in one minute.

01:28:31.000 You got these guys coming to your house. 1.00

01:28:33.000 They're changing your fucking windows. 1.00

01:28:35.000 They're putting in windows. 1.00

01:28:36.000 They're doing your fucking gardening. 1.00

01:28:38.000 They have one fucking guy there. 1.00

01:28:39.000 He's looking around trying to fucking see if this place would be worth it. 1.00

01:28:42.000 I got nothing. 0.99

01:28:43.000 I want to get robbed.

01:28:44.000 It hurt to lose those golf clubs, but everything else, my wife's a hoarder. 1.00

01:28:49.000 I thought I was marrying a whore. 1.00

01:28:50.000 I married a hoarder. 1.00

01:28:50.000 Next time they can take your wife. 1.00

01:28:53.000 Take my wife, please. 1.00

01:28:55.000 Matty.

01:28:57.000 Let's open up the phone calls, Ryan.

01:29:02.000 718-599-17...

01:29:07.000 We've had this same number for like 10 years.

01:29:08.000 I still don't have it memorized. 1.00

01:29:10.000 That's how fucking stupid I am. 1.00

01:29:11.000 718-995-4500. 1.00

01:29:14.000 718-599-1969?

01:29:18.000 No.

01:29:21.000 718...

01:29:22.000 Still there, sir? 0.99

01:29:23.000 It's 1-800-EAT-SHIT. Sorry about that. 0.99

01:29:27.000 You want to stop driving before you get in an accident?

01:29:29.000 Yes, I will stop.

01:29:31.000 Yes, I will stop.

01:29:33.000 I will stop.

01:29:35.000 Wow, $460.

01:29:37.000 $69 is easy to remember. 0.97

01:29:38.000 That's my favorite sexual position. 0.98

01:29:40.000 And then $59 is what you do if you've been castrated and you're doing a $69. 0.99

01:29:46.000 And then, uh...

01:29:48.000 My dad has a good joke about $69.

01:29:52.000 He got it reversed.

01:29:53.000 Ready to connect.

01:29:55.000 Just letting you know it's ready to connect.

01:29:57.000 Should we call my dad? 0.53

01:29:59.000 Has he got a Jew nose like yours? 0.98

01:30:02.000 You were saying that you got a phone call from that girl in prison.

01:30:05.000 What?

01:30:06.000 That girl in prison you put on the chat.

01:30:09.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

01:30:09.000 So Mercedes Carrera called me.

01:30:11.000 She had two major pieces of gossip.

01:30:14.000 What's going on with her case?

01:30:16.000 I don't mean to...

01:30:17.000 Stretch this out.

01:30:18.000 Is she staying for the rest of her life or is she going? 0.98

01:30:21.000 No.

01:30:21.000 She's looking at a plea and it should be time served.

01:30:25.000 So she should be coming out soon.

01:30:27.000 But she didn't want to take a plea because she doesn't want to be a registered sex offender. 1.00

01:30:31.000 But she's like, you know what? 1.00

01:30:32.000 Fuck it. 1.00

01:30:32.000 I'll just not. 1.00

01:30:33.000 What did she do? 0.80

01:30:34.000 She was accused of molesting her daughter.

01:30:36.000 She didn't do it.

01:30:39.000 Obviously, I'm 99% sure because she's a friend of mine.

01:30:42.000 It would be like if one of you guys were accused.

01:30:44.000 But I have to keep the possibility that she is guilty.

01:30:49.000 How old was the daughter?

01:30:52.000 Like 10?

01:30:54.000 How did this come out? 1.00

01:30:56.000 So she told her baby daddy, I'm going to take her from you because you're a fucking pig. 1.00

01:31:02.000 You got an SCD in Southeast Asia. 1.00

01:31:05.000 You're a fucking pedophile. 1.00

01:31:06.000 Fuck you. 1.00

01:31:07.000 Coincidentally... 1.00

01:31:09.000 Two days later, her daughter says, yes, my mom and her boyfriend would fist me and make videos of it. 0.99

01:31:17.000 They go to that Mercedes house.

01:31:20.000 Her name's Mercedes Carrera.

01:31:21.000 They go to her house.

01:31:22.000 They see a bed with cameras.

01:31:25.000 And then they find meth and guns.

01:31:28.000 And they go, we got our bad guy.

01:31:30.000 So she gives them all her computers, all her phones, everything.

01:31:34.000 They don't find anything.

01:31:37.000 At all.

01:31:38.000 There's zero kiddie porn found. 0.91

01:31:40.000 And of course a porn star has cameras facing her bed. 1.00

01:31:43.000 She's a fucking porn star. 1.00

01:31:44.000 That's what they do. 1.00

01:31:45.000 And of course she has masks. 0.98

01:31:47.000 She's an L.A. porn star. 1.00

01:31:48.000 And yes, she shouldn't have their own guns. 0.95

01:31:50.000 Yes, that's bad.

01:31:51.000 You got me.

01:31:52.000 But as far as kiddie porn, zero evidence. 0.99

01:31:55.000 And she's been in fucking jail now for five years awaiting trial. 1.00

01:32:00.000 Can we get her here? 0.99

01:32:02.000 Oh, she'll be here day one. 1.00

01:32:04.000 Fuck yeah. 0.99

01:32:05.000 She was on my show regularly before, and I think that's part of it. 0.99

01:32:09.000 She was an influential figure in the MAGA movement, and that's...

01:32:13.000 You said Mercedes Carrera?

01:32:15.000 Mercedes Carrera.

01:32:16.000 Melinda Smith.

01:32:17.000 Anyway, she told me two heavy pieces of gossip.

01:32:20.000 One, she goes... 1.00

01:32:22.000 When she gets bused to another jail, she meets men in the buses, and she goes, these prisoners that fight fires, she goes, they're fire slaves.

01:32:34.000 So they put them on the front lines.

01:32:37.000 Their lives are totally irrelevant.

01:32:38.000 They're the first ones to go.

01:32:40.000 They get their sentence reduced from like six years to four years, but they're still on probation. 1.00

01:32:46.000 So when you're on probation, they can call you, and you have to come back to the fire, get in the front lines, and fucking die. 0.98

01:32:52.000 So these guys go back and forth from prison. 0.99

01:32:55.000 She goes, these guys are on the bus as I'm going to another prison.

01:32:58.000 They're covered in burns. 1.00

01:33:00.000 They're fried, these fucking guys. 1.00

01:33:03.000 Well, actually, that is something that Kim Kardashian, who's a fucking epic cunt, but she's not bad. 1.00

01:33:10.000 First of all, they get paid a dollar an hour, so they're trying to up that to like five. 0.99

01:33:14.000 Okay. 0.98

01:33:14.000 And they're also going to try to let them, at least some of them who are not complete pieces of shit, erase their felonies and become firemen afterwards, which... 0.98

01:33:23.000 I mean, honestly... 0.99

01:33:24.000 No, she said they can't become firemen after.

01:33:26.000 No, they're trying to fix that.

01:33:27.000 Okay, they're trying to fix that.

01:33:28.000 Yeah, because they're felons.

01:33:29.000 Yes, they're trying to raise their felonies so they can become...

01:33:32.000 Which wouldn't be the worst thing in the entire world.

01:33:34.000 Sure, that's great.

01:33:35.000 Sure, they wouldn't have had it once you're going to a house, fill up their boots with all the money.

01:33:41.000 They would be trained at that.

01:33:43.000 Well, the firemen are already doing that, right?

01:33:45.000 That's what they do anyway. 1.00

01:33:47.000 You don't got to be a felon to do that shit. 1.00

01:33:49.000 One of the things... 0.99

01:33:51.000 One of the reasons for this show is that I've always said, you do your time, you should be absolved.

01:33:58.000 Absolutely.

01:33:59.000 You did the crime, you did your time. 1.00

01:34:02.000 Matty had to go to fucking anger therapy to draw pictures of his motorcycle and his son. 1.00

01:34:07.000 He had to fucking check in at 9pm. 1.00

01:34:11.000 Like, I've already done my fucking time. 1.00

01:34:14.000 I've already paid for my crime. 0.99

01:34:15.000 What is with these two years of torture? 0.98

01:34:17.000 I'm an actual firm believer of once you do that, once you finish your sentences, they fucking impose. 0.99

01:34:22.000 Unless you're a pedophile. 1.00

01:34:24.000 You're a sex offender. 1.00

01:34:25.000 Yeah, sex. 1.00

01:34:26.000 You're some habitual scumbag. 1.00

01:34:27.000 It's over. 1.00

01:34:28.000 It's over.

01:34:29.000 That's it.

01:34:29.000 We had a deal.

01:34:30.000 You shouldn't have to tell anyone about it.

01:34:32.000 You shouldn't have to live with you for the rest of your life. 0.99

01:34:34.000 You should be able to go and fucking live a normal life. 1.00

01:34:36.000 That's it. 1.00

01:34:36.000 You paid your fucking debt. 1.00

01:34:38.000 That's the debt they fucking imposed upon you, and it's over. 1.00

01:34:41.000 But that's not what they want. 0.99

01:34:43.000 No, it's like three years of fucking probation. 0.99

01:34:45.000 Three years, you can't be... 1.00

01:34:46.000 You can't have drugs in your system.

01:34:48.000 You've got to go home at 8 p.m.

01:34:50.000 You can't travel without permission from your parole officer.

01:34:54.000 Well, if you're on parole, that's different.

01:34:55.000 If you're on parole, you're out on supervised release. 0.99

01:34:57.000 If you finish your fucking sentence and you're done, there should be nothing hindering you from living a full life. 0.99

01:35:04.000 Agreed. 1.00

01:35:04.000 We're all on the same page with that. 1.00

01:35:07.000 So that was one piece of gossip she gave me.

01:35:09.000 She goes, these prisoners fighting fires, they're fire slaves. 1.00

01:35:13.000 And then this one is juicy as shit. 0.99

01:35:16.000 And if I disappear tomorrow, I'm not having suicidal thoughts. 0.99

01:35:20.000 I don't want to end my life.

01:35:22.000 Everything is going great.

01:35:24.000 Yes, Ryan quit.

01:35:25.000 I will survive that.

01:35:27.000 I'm still staying positive.

01:35:30.000 I did not kill myself.

01:35:32.000 Okay, ready for this one?

01:35:35.000 I prefer.

01:35:36.000 Speaking of Japarikans, so one of the prisoners in her block, this new girl, she's five feet tall. 0.99

01:35:41.000 She has braces.

01:35:43.000 She's Asian and Hispanic. 0.99

01:35:45.000 She's like 22 years old.

01:35:47.000 She looks about eight. 1.00

01:35:50.000 And Gavin Newsom loves fucking her. 1.00

01:35:55.000 His thing is he loves girls legal. 1.00

01:35:59.000 He doesn't want to break the law.

01:36:00.000 Thank God.

01:36:01.000 But he likes girls who look like they could be 12. And she was a regular client of hers.

01:36:08.000 And I go, okay. 1.00

01:36:09.000 You're a liar. 0.99

01:36:10.000 I go, this is he said, she said. 0.99

01:36:13.000 And Mercedes goes, no, no.

01:36:15.000 She has tons of evidence.

01:36:16.000 She's ready to drop.

01:36:18.000 And she's going to get out soon.

01:36:19.000 I don't think her charge is a big deal. 0.97

01:36:21.000 Get her name and we'll fucking bring her over here. 1.00

01:36:24.000 You're supposed to make me hate Gavnos from her life. 1.00

01:36:30.000 Yes, you're supposed to hate him. 1.00

01:36:31.000 At least he's not fucking little boys. 1.00

01:36:33.000 I'm okay. 1.00

01:36:34.000 If that's your fucking thing, you want to fuck someone who looks young. 1.00

01:36:38.000 Okay, but I don't want you president of the United States. 1.00

01:36:42.000 Who are we talking about?

01:36:42.000 Are we talking about Ryan O'Leary?

01:36:45.000 We don't want you to be president of the United States.

01:36:48.000 And we're New Yorkers.

01:36:51.000 We're open to crazy stuff.

01:36:55.000 22-year-olds who look young.

01:36:57.000 The Midwest is not going to abide by that.

01:37:00.000 There's no way. 0.99

01:37:01.000 He fucked himself with these fires, but erroneous, regardless. 1.00

01:37:05.000 I mean, he's a fucking scumbag communist, but he gets a lot of pussy, and I'm not really mad at him for that. 1.00

01:37:11.000 I agree. 1.00

01:37:12.000 I'm going to give you the blowjob of your life. 1.00

01:37:14.000 I agree, but there's no... 1.00

01:37:17.000 This is what we were arguing about in the chat.

01:37:20.000 Medium John was like, nah, he'll be fine. 0.99

01:37:22.000 I'm like, no.

01:37:23.000 This isn't about me. 1.00

01:37:25.000 The Midwest, normal moms, they don't like that kind of shit. 1.00

01:37:29.000 If you want to fuck girls who look like they're 12, and even if it's legal, Midwestern moms are not going to vote for you. 1.00

01:37:36.000 They've got to have acne. 1.00

01:37:38.000 Yeah, that's true.

01:37:41.000 Listen, I mean, if you're trying to make me hate him, I can't do it.

01:37:45.000 I'm not trying to make you hate him.

01:37:46.000 I'm trying to make you think that he will never be a presidential candidate because there's no way Midwestern women can get over that. 1.00

01:37:56.000 And I think the fires, they can cover up the fires.

01:37:59.000 They can be like, it was climate change, it was too windy.

01:38:02.000 But what did Jimmy Kimmel say?

01:38:04.000 Oh, the right is mad that the firefighters weren't white enough.

01:38:07.000 Okay.

01:38:08.000 You rewrote that story. 0.99

01:38:10.000 Remember Jimmy Kimmel on the fucking man show, how awesome he was? 0.99

01:38:14.000 Dude, I knew him. 0.99

01:38:15.000 He was the meanest guy I ever met. 0.99

01:38:17.000 That was the fucking best show on TV. Honestly, it was so fucking funny and so good. 0.99

01:38:23.000 Actually, you know what? 0.96

01:38:24.000 Jimmy Kimmel's a lot like, or the old Jimmy Kimmel's a lot like you.

01:38:27.000 Super mean, super funny, totally unforgiving.

01:38:32.000 Like he wrote Hillary on my motorcycle helmet without me knowing and Sharpie. 1.00

01:38:37.000 He was a fucking awesome dick. 1.00

01:38:39.000 Did he have a big cock? 1.00

01:38:40.000 And then, I do not know. 1.00

01:38:41.000 He's not like me.

01:38:42.000 Probably.

01:38:44.000 Then he got divorced and he married some young chick. 1.00

01:38:46.000 And then he just became a faggot who cries all the time. 1.00

01:38:49.000 Like Howard Stern. 1.00

01:38:51.000 Exactly like Howard Stern. 1.00

01:38:52.000 What a fucking disgrace that fucking faggot's been. 1.00

01:38:56.000 Hey, he's a Jew. 1.00

01:38:57.000 What do you expect?

01:38:58.000 But I was telling Gavin before the show, I think Howard Stern, he's going to come back to our side.

01:39:02.000 I think John's right. 0.99

01:39:03.000 When Jews see what happens, like fucking look at Michael Rappaport. 0.99

01:39:08.000 He saw the way liberals want Israel to die, and they go, okay, I chose the wrong team. 1.00

01:39:15.000 So you're going to see a lot of Jews coming over to our side.

01:39:18.000 I don't know.

01:39:18.000 The Republicans are starting to get on the anti-Israel thing, too.

01:39:21.000 I've gone down the anti-Semitic rabbit hole, and I'm not a big fan of them anymore. 1.00

01:39:26.000 I used to really think they were fucking, they were the shining light in the Middle East, and I realized they had a fucking problem. 1.00

01:39:32.000 Let's go. 0.99

01:39:33.000 Okay, this is a free...

01:39:34.000 This is the free episode.

01:39:39.000 Let's go to a commercial break now.

01:39:41.000 We never went to...

01:39:43.000 We didn't do Purple Works.

01:39:45.000 Purple Works Nutrition, who does not necessarily endorse the opinions on this show.

01:39:50.000 It is a pre-workout that I have not been on this week. 0.99

01:39:54.000 I've been fucking the dog. 0.99

01:39:55.000 I'm on what's called a bender. 1.00

01:39:57.000 I wet the bed two nights ago.

01:39:58.000 So my life without Purple Works Nutrition is not pretty.

01:40:02.000 My wife was not impressed with the fact that I wet the bed. 0.94

01:40:05.000 She could smell it.

01:40:07.000 It's not good.

01:40:08.000 If you go to the gym every day and you don't go out and get wasted, you have a strong marriage and a great life.

01:40:14.000 This week, I'm not really being an awesome dude.

01:40:18.000 I am getting wasted.

01:40:19.000 I was at the bar today at 3, where I ran into Matty.

01:40:22.000 I actually used Purple Works, the stuff that you gave me on Tuesday.

01:40:25.000 It was great.

01:40:26.000 Oh, really?

01:40:27.000 Yeah.

01:40:28.000 First time.

01:40:29.000 That's a big endorsement?

01:40:30.000 First time.

01:40:32.000 You get these prickles in your arms, right?

01:40:34.000 Yeah.

01:40:34.000 I actually was able to go like, but I was with Lance, so he's 65 years old.

01:40:41.000 Lance fucking wails on me, dude. 0.98

01:40:43.000 But we were able to go like eight rounds. 1.00

01:40:45.000 If you punch Lance hard in the face, he loses his shit, and then it's a barroom brawl. 0.99

01:40:52.000 I've had like parking lot brawls with Lance. 1.00

01:40:54.000 You go 30 seconds with him, he'll take a break.

01:40:56.000 Yes.

01:40:57.000 You gotta fight Doc.

01:40:58.000 I did fight Doc, and I was bloodied.

01:41:01.000 I'm never fighting him again.

01:41:02.000 What a fight. 0.97

01:41:04.000 It's sexual for him. 0.50

01:41:05.000 He likes to feed me one night. 0.98

01:41:07.000 It really is sexual for him. 1.00

01:41:09.000 My brother, the fucking seal, just crushed him one time. 1.00

01:41:12.000 He's like, ha, ha, ha, do that again. 1.00

01:41:14.000 Like, he fucking smashed him. 0.98

01:41:16.000 And he was all about it. 0.99

01:41:17.000 Like, he was getting off on it. 0.96

01:41:19.000 Yeah, I don't want to have sex with men. 0.56

01:41:21.000 I'm never fighting him again. 0.99

01:41:22.000 No, he smells terrible, but he's a good dude.

01:41:24.000 But he smells terrible.

01:41:25.000 Doc?

01:41:25.000 He's not working right now, so he's at the gym every day.

01:41:28.000 He's not my cup of tea, man.

01:41:30.000 Anyway, Purple Works Nutrition. 1.00

01:41:32.000 Promo code Gavin.

01:41:33.000 20% off, right?

01:41:34.000 Is that what it is?

01:41:35.000 50% off?

01:41:36.000 I think so.

01:41:37.000 It's a pre-workout that I don't just talk about blindly.

01:41:41.000 I take every time I'm at the gym. 0.99

01:41:43.000 And you'll notice when I don't take it, I look like shit. 0.99

01:41:46.000 I wet the bed. 1.00

01:41:47.000 I'm a fucking loser. 1.00

01:41:49.000 So if you want to know what's great about Purple Works, check out this guy who's not on it this week and is on a pathetic bender that is not going well. 1.00

01:41:58.000 Last night I made What's Your Name? 0.80

01:41:59.000 The Marine Biologist cry. 0.96

01:42:01.000 I know.

01:42:02.000 Yeah, I was...

01:42:04.000 Or even I made the other girl with the red hair cry.

01:42:07.000 I did my joke, which is a very controversial joke. 0.94

01:42:11.000 This is a joke I do sometimes where I go, I was raping this girl the other night and I had my knife up against her throat and she was like crying, oh, help, help, help. 1.00

01:42:20.000 And I was like, smile, you fucking bitch, smile. 1.00

01:42:22.000 And she's like... 1.00

01:42:24.000 And she's crying.

01:42:25.000 She's like, I'm smiling.

01:42:27.000 See?

01:42:28.000 I'm smiling. 1.00

01:42:29.000 Fakest smile you've ever seen in your fucking life. 1.00

01:42:34.000 And she did not like that. 1.00

01:42:35.000 I would totally take that one out of your repertoire. 0.97

01:42:37.000 Were you there for that?

01:42:38.000 Yes.

01:42:38.000 So I tell her that.

01:42:40.000 She starts crying.

01:42:41.000 She took her phone and ran into the kitchen. 1.00

01:42:43.000 She left the bar. 0.97

01:42:44.000 She got raped at night point.

01:42:45.000 You ever think of that? 0.93

01:42:46.000 She went into the kitchen.

01:42:47.000 What?

01:42:48.000 You ever think maybe she got raped at night point?

01:42:50.000 Yes.

01:42:50.000 So that was not a hit.

01:42:52.000 No.

01:42:53.000 And that was life without Purple Works nutrition.

01:42:56.000 So if that is not the greatest ad for Purple Works, I don't know what is.

01:43:02.000 No, no, I agree.

01:43:03.000 I'm going to take Purple Works now. 0.51

01:43:05.000 I got a ton of rape jokes.

01:43:07.000 I don't want to go back terribly.

01:43:09.000 Who's on the line?

01:43:11.000 Oh, there's tons of people on there.

01:43:14.000 We got five zero six.

01:43:16.000 Matty, can I grab any more Corona?

01:43:17.000 Five zero six.

01:43:18.000 Can I get a Coors Banquet?

01:43:19.000 There's no more Corona?

01:43:21.000 No. 1.00

01:43:21.000 Can we get some fucking light beers in this fucking shit hole? 1.00

01:43:24.000 Did I not text you to say fucking stock the fucking beer? 1.00

01:43:27.000 You did. 1.00

01:43:28.000 But I'm on a bender, John.

01:43:30.000 So I'm not responsible.

01:43:31.000 I saw that and I was like, a good man would go buy Walgreens and get some Coronas.

01:43:37.000 And I'm not a good man.

01:43:39.000 What a great guy Ron is. 0.99

01:43:40.000 He brings two fucking cases last week. 1.00

01:43:43.000 Nobody wants to drink your shit fucking Budweiser. 1.00

01:43:47.000 You hillbilly rapist. 1.00

01:43:49.000 Why are you giving them all my banquets? 1.00

01:43:51.000 Because nobody's taking Budweiser, you cheap motherfucker. 1.00

01:43:54.000 I'll take a bite if it's cold, but this is really cold. 1.00

01:43:57.000 Yeah, no, because it's been in there fucking two months. 0.92

01:43:59.000 Well, you made me turn down the fridge because you said it wasn't cold enough. 0.99

01:44:02.000 Can you buy some fucking surf sides for the rest of us? 0.99

01:44:04.000 Why don't you buy a big refrigerator? 1.00

01:44:06.000 That's what we should buy.

01:44:07.000 A good, responsible host would have bought you surf sides.

01:44:09.000 I'm not a good person.

01:44:11.000 If I'm down by 183rd and Jerome, I see a cheap refrigerator.

01:44:14.000 I'll pick it up. 1.00

01:44:16.000 Me and fucking John got scoliosis from carrying this fucking show. 1.00

01:44:19.000 The least you can do is... 0.99

01:44:22.000 Alright, who's on the line, Ryan?

01:44:26.000 506. 506, you're in the mix.

01:44:29.000 What area code is that? 0.98

01:44:32.000 That's my piss. 0.72

01:44:33.000 Can you hear us? 1.00

01:44:34.000 Is that piss, you fucking savage? 1.00

01:44:38.000 Hello? 1.00

01:44:40.000 Don't do it.

01:44:42.000 I won't drink it, but it smells like a nail polish remover.

01:44:46.000 Hello?

01:44:47.000 619?

01:44:49.000 Can you hear me?

01:44:50.000 Hello?

01:44:52.000 Yo.

01:44:53.000 Hello.

01:44:54.000 I can't hear anything.

01:44:55.000 Can you hear me?

01:44:57.000 Okay. 0.91

01:44:57.000 What about now, smartass? 0.91

01:45:00.000 So we're losing Ryan, but we will be gaining someone who will probably be better at working the phones. 0.99

01:45:05.000 You would think a Japanese guy would be able to fucking work technology. 1.00

01:45:10.000 Half of them can. 0.99

01:45:11.000 The other half is like...

01:45:12.000 I don't do that sound.

01:45:16.000 Hello?

01:45:18.000 Can you hear me?

01:45:18.000 I can hear you.

01:45:19.000 Can you hear me?

01:45:20.000 I can.

01:45:22.000 Ooh, I like what I'm hearing.

01:45:22.000 Okay.

01:45:23.000 What's up, buddy?

01:45:25.000 My story.

01:45:25.000 So, I was a Mormon missionary who was serving in Sweden.

01:45:30.000 Weird.

01:45:31.000 And I'm chilling at some...

01:45:33.000 Right?

01:45:34.000 So, I'm chilling at some Swedish person's house.

01:45:37.000 They invited me in my...

01:45:38.000 And when you're a Mormon missionary, the person you're with is called your companion.

01:45:43.000 You've got to bring him everywhere. 0.96

01:45:44.000 Kind of gay, but whatever. 0.97

01:45:45.000 Anyway, me and my companion are at somebody's house. 0.86

01:45:47.000 They're cooking this dinner.

01:45:48.000 And while the food's finishing up, my companion is having a conversation with this Swedish woman about political parties.

01:45:55.000 And he's like, so what kind of political parties are there in Sweden?

01:45:58.000 She goes, oh, well, there's the Swedish Green Party and the Liberal Party and the Swedish Nazi Party and the Swedish Christian Democrats.

01:46:06.000 And I interrupt and I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

01:46:08.000 Hang on.

01:46:09.000 There's a Swedish Nazi Party?

01:46:11.000 What, do they goose step in Sig Heil and stuff?

01:46:13.000 She goes, Oh, no, no, they don't do any of that.

01:46:16.000 I'm like, they don't have, like, swastika?

01:46:17.000 She goes, no.

01:46:18.000 Well, what makes them Nazi?

01:46:20.000 She goes, well, they just don't want any more immigrants in Sweden. 0.87

01:46:22.000 They want to be Swedish. 0.94

01:46:25.000 And I go, well, what party is the Nazi party?

01:46:29.000 She goes, oh, well, in Sweden, the Democrats are the conservative party.

01:46:35.000 You know, I did an interview with a German podcast today, and we were talking about the AFD, the alternative for...

01:46:42.000 For Deutschland?

01:46:43.000 For Germany? 0.96

01:46:44.000 And I'm not totally familiar with their policies, but I bet you if we looked at the AFD, they would be like a left of center, normal fucking liberal party that just wants normal borders. 0.89

01:46:59.000 Like the borders we had 20 years ago. 0.68

01:47:02.000 That's a disappointing question. 0.88

01:47:03.000 European Nazis are just people who want... 0.97

01:47:05.000 They're just Obama. 1.00

01:47:07.000 Obama is a European Nazi. 1.00

01:47:10.000 I thought he was going to have a fucking orgy with two fucking Swedish girls. 1.00

01:47:15.000 Was that John? 1.00

01:47:18.000 John was talking about fucking two Swedish girls. 1.00

01:47:20.000 He thought you were going to fuck them, but you're a Mormon. 1.00

01:47:22.000 You're probably not really on a sex tear when you do these tours. 1.00

01:47:27.000 No, there's very much none of that.

01:47:30.000 But I actually ran into one of these supposed Nazi people when I was out teaching on the street.

01:47:35.000 I'd walk up to people and try to talk to them.

01:47:38.000 And I say, hey, excuse me, I've been in the country for so long, can I practice my Swedish?

01:47:42.000 And they go, of course!

01:47:43.000 And I talk to them, and I was talking to this guy, he said he's actually a member of the Swedish quote-unquote Nazi Party, the Conservative Party, and I followed him on Facebook, and all he posts is just news articles about reducing crime and how to get the liberal women in Stockholm to stop ruining the country, because they don't have an electoral college like we do. 0.53

01:48:01.000 Stockholm holds all the power, because that's where all the people are.

01:48:04.000 And it ruins the country.

01:48:05.000 People have told me, I'll be like, oh, I'm an American.

01:48:07.000 They go, oh, really?

01:48:08.000 What do you think about Trump?

01:48:09.000 And I go, what do you think about Trump?

01:48:11.000 And they either say, I hate him or I love him.

01:48:14.000 And usually the love-ems were like in a hushed tone because they didn't want to get caught.

01:48:17.000 But they're like, man, I wish we had an electoral college unlike Sweden or like America does unlike Sweden has.

01:48:23.000 But I almost got arrested with him, actually.

01:48:26.000 Luckily, I didn't because...

01:48:28.000 In Sweden, you can't get arrested for resisting arrest, which is already an underlying charge. 0.99

01:48:38.000 You know, in Sweden, one in fucking four Swedish women will be forced to be raped in their lifetime now because they brought so many fucking mongrels from the other fucking side of the world that it's literally a fucking huge problem. 1.00

01:48:52.000 Sweden, Germany, fucking France, Italy. 1.00

01:48:56.000 Except for Poland, who won't let them in, and fucking Hungary. 1.00

01:49:00.000 Sweden's a fucking absolute disaster. 1.00

01:49:02.000 That's why the Nazis are coming back. 1.00

01:49:04.000 Can I ask you, missionaries, something? 1.00

01:49:07.000 Why the fuck are you worried about Sweden? 0.99

01:49:10.000 Or why are Mormons in Africa? 1.00

01:49:12.000 Why don't you focus on America and just go find atheists? 1.00

01:49:18.000 In Harlem and Detroit and fucking East New York, there's plenty of hedonists here that need saving. 0.99

01:49:26.000 Why leave? 1.00

01:49:27.000 Look at the pussy in Sweden. 1.00

01:49:29.000 Look at the pussy in Senegal. 1.00

01:49:30.000 If you're doing it for pussy, I understand. 1.00

01:49:34.000 Well, I wanted to go. 0.99

01:49:36.000 When you're a young woman, you're indoctrinated to go serve a mission, and I really wanted to go.

01:49:40.000 When you're a young woman?

01:49:41.000 I'm going to go.

01:49:42.000 I want to go foreign. 1.00

01:49:43.000 Wait, you just said when you're a young woman.

01:49:46.000 Well, when you're a young Mormon.

01:49:47.000 Oh, Mormon. 1.00

01:49:48.000 Sorry.

01:49:49.000 Well, don't assume my gender.

01:49:52.000 But they call it a mission call where they say where you're going to go.

01:49:57.000 And I got my call and it said to Sweden.

01:49:59.000 I was like, great.

01:49:59.000 So I screwed off for two years.

01:50:01.000 I barely did anything.

01:50:02.000 All I did was eat pastries and walk through the park.

01:50:05.000 Flirt with girls on the street. 1.00

01:50:07.000 And it was a lot of fun.

01:50:09.000 Can you Mormons drink? 1.00

01:50:10.000 I'm just asking about the general structure of the plan with the Mormons.

01:50:14.000 What's the matter with America?

01:50:16.000 Is that what you want to know?

01:50:17.000 Where are you going to land?

01:50:19.000 But why should Mormons be going to save Sweden when America isn't saved? 0.63

01:50:24.000 I feel that way about charity, too.

01:50:28.000 Swedish people, so when you're born in Sweden, you're automatically signed up for the Lutheran church there, to call it the Church of Sweden.

01:50:35.000 And a lot of people immediately take their name out of the record as soon as they're old enough to do so, but some people leave it, their name in the record.

01:50:42.000 So there are people there who are religious that you try to convert, because trying to convert like a dead-set atheist is really hard.

01:50:48.000 Of course, I didn't actually try to convert anybody, but I don't know.

01:50:52.000 They just try to go everywhere.

01:50:53.000 It's commanded to go.

01:50:55.000 Are you still a Mormon?

01:51:00.000 Yes and no.

01:51:01.000 Can you drink?

01:51:05.000 I'm an American.

01:51:06.000 I can drink as much as I want.

01:51:07.000 No, but I mean, as a Mormon, I'm just curious.

01:51:10.000 Don't get me wrong.

01:51:11.000 No coffee.

01:51:12.000 The trick to get, the only way to keep, so there's a joke, like, how do you keep a Mormon from drinking on a camping trip is to invite two of them? 0.97

01:51:20.000 So a lot of Mormons drink and do drugs and smoke and drink coffee and all that other stuff. 0.99

01:51:24.000 I don't drink myself only because I'm a truck driver, and if I get tested at all at any time, I'm going to jail.

01:51:30.000 So there's no point when I work so much. 1.00

01:51:35.000 That's fucking gay. 1.00

01:51:36.000 How many wives do you have? 1.00

01:51:39.000 Oh, dude.

01:51:40.000 One wife keeps me busy. 1.00

01:51:41.000 I can't afford it on a toilet paper if I have more than one wife. 1.00

01:51:44.000 Well, girls don't poo, so it's just pee. 1.00

01:51:47.000 That's true. 0.97

01:51:48.000 If you ask, we do it on your chest.

01:51:51.000 Yeah.

01:51:51.000 All right.

01:51:52.000 Thanks for calling.

01:51:53.000 I like the Mormon guy.

01:51:54.000 He's awesome.

01:51:55.000 Thanks for being a truck driver, too.

01:51:57.000 Yeah.

01:51:58.000 You know, truck drivers, we used to revere them our whole lives, especially Gen X, because there was, like, Convoy, the movie.

01:52:06.000 If you were a kid who grew up in the 70s, truckers were rock stars. 0.97

01:52:09.000 Yes, you remember you used to fucking pull a thing down on a school trip and you'd be the fucking happiest person ever? 0.96

01:52:15.000 It was the coolest job ever. 0.97

01:52:17.000 Making America strong still with truck drivers. 0.98

01:52:19.000 But now I think they're fucking Juan Felipe's. 0.98

01:52:23.000 And when I'm on my motorcycle and I'm near a truck, I'm just like, I'm trying to get the fuck away from that thing because he does not know what he's doing. 0.98

01:52:33.000 Forgive him, Lord, for he knows not what he does.

01:52:36.000 That's what you get for riding a motorcycle. 1.00

01:52:37.000 You're taking a fucking... 1.00

01:52:39.000 Everybody's fucking, you know, retardedness is in your hands. 1.00

01:52:44.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:52:46.000 And even in a car, I don't trust trucks anymore. 0.99

01:52:48.000 You want that fucking freedom of riding a motorcycle. 0.99

01:52:50.000 That's what you gotta deal with. 1.00

01:52:51.000 Okay, but even...

01:52:52.000 Okay, let's forget the motorcycle.

01:52:54.000 That's confusing the issue. 0.99

01:52:55.000 Even in my car, when I see a trucker, I'm like, who the fuck is this? 0.99

01:52:59.000 What's going on here now? 1.00

01:53:00.000 What are we doing?

01:53:01.000 Where are you going?

01:53:03.000 Like, I don't trust truckers anymore.

01:53:06.000 It's no longer, we got a great big convoy coming on down the line. 0.99

01:53:10.000 You ever seen the fucking story of the pictures when the guy in the hutch got fucking run over? 0.99

01:53:15.000 The motorcycle guy? 0.99

01:53:16.000 And they didn't know he was in the street and he got run over like fucking 15 times and all you saw was his pelvis. 1.00

01:53:21.000 Like, the rest of them got turned into absolute fucking mush. 0.99

01:53:24.000 Like, literally got turned into paste. 1.00

01:53:25.000 Turned into asphalt.

01:53:26.000 Yeah, to paste. 0.99

01:53:28.000 Like, pink paste on the fucking, like... 0.99

01:53:30.000 You never saw that? 0.99

01:53:31.000 Sorry to laugh, Matty.

01:53:33.000 I've seen plenty of people get killed.

01:53:35.000 Alright, next. 1.00

01:53:36.000 Like the Pajits in Canada, they're just like, 18-wheelers are careening into each other with these fucking Indians who have no idea what they're doing. 1.00

01:53:45.000 Next call. 1.00

01:53:46.000 I drive tractor trailers.

01:53:48.000 You would or you did?

01:53:50.000 I have a Class A license.

01:53:51.000 Oh! 0.60

01:53:52.000 He's licensed.

01:53:53.000 You ever see that diagram of the blind spots?

01:53:56.000 No, never.

01:53:57.000 I was blind.

01:53:59.000 There's like a truck's blind spots.

01:54:01.000 I knew a dude, a motorcyclist, and he would go behind 18-wheelers and he would get caught in the slipstream.

01:54:09.000 Draft.

01:54:09.000 And he would just sit there for like miles, like behind an 18-wheeler.

01:54:15.000 If they hit the brakes, he's dead. 0.99

01:54:17.000 But I guess he saved money on gas or some shit? 0.98

01:54:19.000 I knew a guy did that on a bike. 0.97

01:54:21.000 He'd grab the back of the bike and just, he wouldn't save gas.

01:54:27.000 Okay.

01:54:28.000 Next call.

01:54:30.000 We got five minutes.

01:54:33.000 Next call, you're on the line.

01:54:35.000 619, I want to say.

01:54:37.000 619, you're on the line.

01:54:38.000 506. 506, you're here in the mix.

01:54:42.000 506. I can hear you.

01:54:44.000 You sound very small.

01:54:44.000 Very low.

01:54:45.000 Small, low, gay. 1.00

01:54:47.000 Can you hear better? 1.00

01:54:50.000 Now that's super loud. 1.00

01:54:52.000 Now you're coming out of the fucking gate swinging. 1.00

01:54:56.000 First of all, Mormonism is cringe. 1.00

01:54:59.000 So that guy pretending he's part of the club?

01:55:02.000 No.

01:55:03.000 Who?

01:55:04.000 Who are we cringing at?

01:55:05.000 The last caller.

01:55:06.000 No. 0.81

01:55:07.000 Leave the Mormon guy alone. 0.98

01:55:09.000 He believes in Jesus.

01:55:09.000 I like the Mormon guy.

01:55:11.000 He doesn't cringe. 1.00

01:55:12.000 You go to hell, you piece of shit. 1.00

01:55:15.000 They don't believe in Jesus. 1.00

01:55:16.000 Yeah, have fun in a lake of fire. 1.00

01:55:18.000 Alright, well, fuck them too. 1.00

01:55:20.000 They don't believe in Jesus as being God. 1.00

01:55:23.000 But they're the nicest people in the world.

01:55:25.000 Go ahead.

01:55:26.000 Yeah, I'm sure.

01:55:29.000 Alright, I like you too.

01:55:31.000 You're even better than him.

01:55:33.000 Alright, let's hear it. 1.00

01:55:34.000 Let's go, you mean fuck. 1.00

01:55:35.000 Don't start that. 1.00

01:55:36.000 It's up now. 0.93

01:55:40.000 No, I just wanted to say, I'm in Canada, and I don't know if it's the same in America, but the amount of fucking scam calls and texts we get from Kajit, it's literally a daily thing. 0.98

01:55:52.000 And I just wanted to ask, like... 0.82

01:55:56.000 Where are you in Canada?

01:55:59.000 Mississauga?

01:56:00.000 What?

01:56:00.000 New Brunswick.

01:56:01.000 Are you Mississauga?

01:56:01.000 No, New Brunswick.

01:56:02.000 New Brunswick?

01:56:03.000 Yeah, dude.

01:56:04.000 Well, let me just look at my phone right now.

01:56:06.000 So, my last fake call.

01:56:15.000 None today, actually.

01:56:18.000 But then yesterday.

01:56:20.000 Gift for X when we go.

01:56:22.000 Oh, no, that's not.

01:56:23.000 That is real, actually.

01:56:24.000 Oh, here's one.

01:56:26.000 801-447-7473.

01:56:30.000 Hey, buddy.

01:56:30.000 And then, hey, man.

01:56:32.000 So, that was yesterday.

01:56:34.000 So, I would say I'm up to one spam a day in text.

01:56:41.000 Oh, easily.

01:56:42.000 Wow. 0.99

01:56:44.000 Well, it's just fucking crazy. 0.97

01:56:45.000 And I guess my question to the Turkish spice merchant and Friar Tuck over there is, can the cops do anything about it? 0.98

01:56:55.000 I don't care. 1.00

01:56:57.000 You fucking asshole. 1.00

01:57:01.000 I don't know. 1.00

01:57:07.000 What are they going to do? 0.98

01:57:08.000 I imagine it must be tens of billions of dollars now that's being sucked from the economy, being put towards fucking rupees or whatever. 0.95

01:57:19.000 Do the police, is it on their radar? 0.96

01:57:21.000 No.

01:57:21.000 Yes.

01:57:22.000 What can they do about it, if anything? 0.98

01:57:24.000 You get fucking, literally, we got so many fucking fraud calls that we had to make a separate fraud line, like a line. 0.99

01:57:32.000 So there was one guy who would just accept all the post-fraud calls, and there's nothing you could do about it, because they're calling from, these fucking pajits are calling from fucking India. 1.00

01:57:41.000 They're getting people to scam shit. 0.99

01:57:43.000 People are voluntarily giving them their information. 0.99

01:57:48.000 It's funny. 0.97

01:57:48.000 I was trying to get a hold of Robinhood fucking, you know, Robinhood, the stock market thing. 0.97

01:57:55.000 I have a problem with my account. 0.98

01:57:56.000 So I've been trying to get a hold of him for fucking months, literally. 0.99

01:58:00.000 Some fucking Pajit called me, and I almost fell for it. 0.99

01:58:02.000 He had me download a fucking app. 1.00

01:58:05.000 Literally, I have like $100,000 in crypto. 1.00

01:58:07.000 I literally almost lost it.

01:58:09.000 Did it be funny if the fraud department, you hired an Indian guy? 1.00

01:58:13.000 Yes, yes, yes. 1.00

01:58:15.000 The fucking, I think he called me from the fraud department. 1.00

01:58:17.000 It said like fucking, like McAllen, Texas. 1.00

01:58:20.000 And like a fucking complete dick. 1.00

01:58:22.000 I answered it and I downloaded this fucking app and started signing. 1.00

01:58:26.000 I'm like, you know, how do I know you're from fucking Robinhood? 0.98

01:58:27.000 He goes, oh, it's going to say Robinhood support on the top. 0.98

01:58:30.000 And it literally did. 0.98

01:58:31.000 And like a dick, I, like literally, I, but that's. 0.99

01:58:36.000 The NYPD gets thousands of those fucking calls, and they have a whole unit designed that. 0.99

01:58:42.000 But let me tell you what the NYPD's doing about it. 0.99

01:58:44.000 They're not doing a fucking thing. 0.97

01:58:47.000 And the only reason why these people are calling the NYPD is because when you go to the bank, they're going to say, you've got to report it and get a complaint number. 0.98

01:58:56.000 And then once you get the complaint number, you can go to the frauds department and they can stop stuff.

01:59:01.000 I can't explain to you how many people have come into my report and say, I sent this person thousands of dollars thinking it was real. 1.00

01:59:08.000 And I would be like, yeah, you're fucked. 1.00

01:59:10.000 And I almost did the same shit like a complete fucking retard. 1.00

01:59:13.000 But I didn't. 1.00

01:59:14.000 I got away with it. 1.00

01:59:15.000 No, you only have a retard. 1.00

01:59:18.000 Alright, thanks for calling. 0.92

01:59:20.000 Alright, what do you got?

01:59:21.000 You're not allowed two things.

01:59:23.000 This better be the same thing.

01:59:24.000 No, this will blow your mind, though.

01:59:26.000 No, please, please. 1.00

01:59:27.000 I blew my fucking mind. 0.99

01:59:29.000 I'm waiting to see. 1.00

01:59:30.000 I'm literally half Slovak and half Native American as well.

01:59:36.000 Isn't that crazy?

01:59:37.000 You have what? 1.00

01:59:38.000 My mind is as unblown as my dick being married to a woman for 22 years. 1.00

01:59:44.000 He's have what? 1.00

01:59:46.000 He's the same ethnicity as my wife, I guess. 1.00

01:59:48.000 He's half Slovak, half fucking Native American. 0.99

01:59:52.000 First Nation. 1.00

01:59:54.000 Yeah, First Nation.

01:59:54.000 All right, thanks for calling, Chug.

01:59:56.000 Go fucking drink yourself to death on the Reds. 1.00

01:59:59.000 He says the funny shit. 1.00

02:00:00.000 Go eat enough fry bread to give yourself diabetes, you fuck. 1.00

02:00:04.000 You look like a monk. 1.00

02:00:06.000 What a waste of time. 0.99

02:00:07.000 I'm going to blow your mind. 1.00

02:00:09.000 What the fuck? 1.00

02:00:10.000 He's Canadian and he's part Native. 1.00

02:00:13.000 Who knew?

02:00:14.000 That's it, folks.

02:00:15.000 It's 10 o'clock.

02:00:16.000 That's the end of the show.

02:00:17.000 Thank you for tuning in.

02:00:18.000 Sorry, caller.

02:00:19.000 Until next time, get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.

02:00:26.000 Take another call.

02:00:27.000 I want to hear somebody's music.

02:00:28.000 I've got to be in front of us.

02:00:29.000 You take the call, Sam.

02:00:30.000 Take the call.

02:00:31.000 Matty, grab the seat. 0.87

02:00:33.000 All right, you want to take the call?

02:00:35.000 This is after hours.

02:00:36.000 We'll switch to purely audio.

02:00:40.000 We'll do an audio podcast.

02:00:42.000 Hello.

02:00:43.000 917, you're on the line.

02:00:44.000 Oh, hi.

02:00:46.000 Oh, it's a hot chick. 0.91

02:00:48.000 What's up?

02:00:51.000 Hello.

02:00:52.000 How are you?

02:00:53.000 John, I got to talk to you.

02:00:54.000 I know you brought Gavin to Shine's.

02:00:57.000 Did you used to go to Chauncey's back in the day?

02:01:00.000 Yeah.

02:01:03.000 Okay, thanks for calling.

02:01:06.000 Oh.

02:01:07.000 You from Long Beach?

02:01:09.000 Yeah, I'm from Long Beach.

02:01:11.000 I go out there every summer.

02:01:13.000 My friend got a place right near there.

02:01:14.000 Who do you know out there in Long Beach from Shines? 1.00

02:01:18.000 Well, here's the thing.

02:01:19.000 You were at Shines on my birthday.

02:01:21.000 You took Gavin to Shines on my birthday. 0.99

02:01:24.000 I was in fucking Key West. 0.99

02:01:26.000 And I was so mad. 0.99

02:01:27.000 And then he put it on the show the second time you brought him there.

02:01:31.000 And I called the girl that manages Shines.

02:01:34.000 And I was like, yo, you got what?

02:01:36.000 Do you know Mike McFadden from Shines?

02:01:39.000 I know the girl, the girl that manages it, I think is his woman. 1.00

02:01:44.000 I don't know exactly what the relationship is, but they're woke as fuck. 0.99

02:01:48.000 You know that, right? 0.99

02:01:50.000 Shines?

02:01:51.000 Yes.

02:01:52.000 I called her.

02:01:53.000 When Gavin posted on the show, he was so happy.

02:01:56.000 He went in there.

02:01:56.000 And I was so mad that I missed him in there.

02:01:59.000 And I called her.

02:02:01.000 I was like, yo, you gotta look at this.

02:02:02.000 This guy did a whole thing on you guys. 0.98

02:02:04.000 It's the fucking best. 0.99

02:02:05.000 He loves you, da-da-da. 0.99

02:02:06.000 And she's like, oh, really?

02:02:07.000 Send it to me.

02:02:08.000 And I was like, listen, before you go and you post this on Instagram, do you know who this is?

02:02:12.000 And she goes, no.

02:02:13.000 I was like, that's the leader of the Proud Boys.

02:02:14.000 She's like, oh my God, that's a problem. 1.00

02:02:16.000 She's all into fucking trans shit and all this. 1.00

02:02:19.000 Like, I hate to burst your bubble, but the woman they have managing it is... 1.00

02:02:24.000 Well, I know they were closed for a while.

02:02:26.000 They had a few problems there.

02:02:28.000 They were changing things.

02:02:30.000 But we'll be definitely out there.

02:02:32.000 We'll see you there in July.

02:02:33.000 We'll let you know.

02:02:35.000 If you want to go to the Knights of Columbus, right down the block.

02:02:37.000 I know everybody.

02:02:38.000 I paint all the windows in town.

02:02:40.000 I'm an artist in Long Beach.

02:02:41.000 And I paint all the windows.

02:02:42.000 So I paint for everybody.

02:02:43.000 And I lived there.

02:02:44.000 I grew up there my whole life.

02:02:45.000 So if you want to go out, I'll bring you everywhere.

02:02:47.000 Are you married? 0.99

02:02:48.000 I want to see you naked. 0.99

02:02:49.000 I like your attitude. 0.99

02:02:50.000 My husband's a cop.

02:02:52.000 That's fine.

02:02:52.000 Where does he work?

02:02:54.000 Nashville County.

02:02:55.000 Oh, he makes a lot of money.

02:02:56.000 No, no, no.

02:02:57.000 We'll definitely...

02:02:58.000 If you watch the show when we're going out there one weekend, we'll definitely...

02:03:03.000 Because we hit all the bars out there.

02:03:05.000 My friend is actually right there.

02:03:07.000 He lives on Pennsylvania Avenue.

02:03:10.000 Oh, okay.

02:03:10.000 My in-laws live on Grand, and I grew up in the East Bend.

02:03:13.000 You got any single friends?

02:03:15.000 I'm married.

02:03:16.000 Yeah, I got plenty.

02:03:17.000 I have great single friends, actually.

02:03:18.000 They're looking for men, too.

02:03:19.000 Even better.

02:03:20.000 I'm looking for single friends who are looking for men.

02:03:22.000 We're old.

02:03:24.000 So, maybe too old.

02:03:26.000 Jackpot.

02:03:26.000 Alright, we're in.

02:03:28.000 Alright, thank you, John.

02:03:29.000 Thanks for the call.

02:03:30.000 Thank you.

02:03:32.000 Bye.

02:03:34.000 Bye.

02:03:35.000 You wanna sign everybody off, cops? 1.00

02:03:38.000 I gotta piss like you wouldn't fucking believe. 0.99

02:03:40.000 Just click it off. 1.00

Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - January 17, 2025

COPS AND ROBBER - EP100: HORNY PERPS

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