Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - August 27, 2018


Ep 176 | Marked for Death | Get Off My Lawn

Topics
transgender camps for children fries
Hosted by
Gavin McInnes
Mentioned
Josh Denny Pamela Geller Milo Yiannopoulos Drag Queen Story Hour Proud Boys Girls Elevation Burger Bruce Jenner Shea Guevara Muya Burger Abe Lincoln James Gunn Proud Boy Sympathy Flanagan Klingon Nanette Poutin Gavin Keene Song
Ep 175 | Not a Crime | Get Off My Lawn Ep 177 | JR Mint | Get Off My Lawn

Episode Stats


Length

36 minutes

Words per minute

178.67

Word count

6,593

Sentence count

676

Harmful content

Misogyny

42

sentences flagged

Toxicity

136

sentences flagged

Hate speech

58

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

Liz Fair, Bruce Jenner, police brutality, police shootings, and more. Plus, a special guest star of the TV show Veep joins Jemele to talk about her new album, and more!

Transcript

Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 I'm gonna tell my son to grow up pretty as the grass is green and we're smart as the English choice.
00:00:12.000 Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lock!
00:00:16.000 I'm gonna tell you my son to keep his money in his mattress and his watch on every hand.
00:00:26.000 That's a nice song.
00:00:27.000 I can't hear it very well.
00:00:29.000 Frame well.
00:00:34.000 Actually, it sounds terrible.
00:00:38.000 This is Liz Fair, exile in Guyville.
00:00:41.000 Huge smash hit in the 90s.
00:00:43.000 Made her career.
00:00:45.000 Here comes the chorus.
00:00:50.000 Holy crud is she got. 1.00
00:00:54.000 You know what I just realized?
00:00:56.000 I think gay men see a woman like that who just personifies femininity and beauty and they go, I want some of that.
00:01:03.000 So this whole trans thing is men dressing up in blue negliges trying to acquire Liz Fair. 0.99
00:01:10.000 It's not going to happen.
00:01:12.000 Most women can't acquire Liz Fair. 1.00
00:01:14.000 You can't do that, Bruce Jenner.
00:01:17.000 You can't just buy that off a shelf.
00:01:19.000 I'm sorry.
00:01:21.000 I know you appreciate it.
00:01:22.000 Believe me, I appreciate it too.
00:01:24.000 But you can't have it.
00:01:25.000 You can't have everything you want, okay?
00:01:27.000 If I see some gigantic buff dude with giant muscles who looks like He-Man, I go, that looks cool.
00:01:34.000 I want to be He-Man. 0.99
00:01:35.000 I can't.
00:01:36.000 You can't have He-Man. 0.97
00:01:38.000 Sorry.
00:01:39.000 You can't fly.
00:01:40.000 That song is interesting because she's talking about locking her boy up to protect him.
00:01:46.000 But she didn't have a son at the time, but she had just started dating this director dude.
00:01:52.000 And what song was that?
00:01:53.000 That was 1994.
00:01:55.000 That song came out.
00:01:56.000 She met this director guy.
00:01:58.000 They got married in 95.
00:01:59.000 Then in 96, she had a son.
00:02:02.000 And the song became true.
00:02:04.000 And then divorced when the son was five.
00:02:09.000 I have a special, there's a special place in hell for people who get divorced with young kids.
00:02:13.000 How can you not last?
00:02:15.000 And what's your beef, by the way? 0.99
00:02:16.000 You're not getting enough sex? 0.85
00:02:18.000 When a kid is five, they're taking up 100% of your time. 0.99
00:02:22.000 You don't have time to be miserable.
00:02:23.000 How do you even know your marriage is going badly? 0.96
00:02:26.000 Honestly, it'd be like moving to China.
00:02:30.000 If you were married and you guys moved to China, you couldn't get divorced because you wouldn't even know your marriage was bad.
00:02:36.000 You're learning Chinese, you're trying to get a job, you're eating all this gross food, caterpillars, turtle soup, which is in China, you know what turtle soup is? 1.00
00:02:44.000 It's a turtle in hot water.
00:02:45.000 The end.
00:02:48.000 They don't break open the shell.
00:02:49.000 They don't deep fry it and put chives in there. 0.54
00:02:52.000 It's just a very, very hot turtle.
00:02:58.000 I like how we have a lot of people in the studio today, and we have guys telling people to shut up while he opens the door.
00:03:07.000 So all the sound comes pouring in, and now it's loud, and there's a guy telling everyone to shut up.
00:03:14.000 What a combo.
00:03:15.000 Um.
00:03:17.000 Proud of your boy.
00:03:20.000 Proud of your boy.
00:03:22.000 See that Proud Boy's girl?
00:03:25.000 A deputy just got fired because she was wearing a Proud Boy's Girl sweatshirt. 1.00
00:03:29.000 Now, wouldn't it be amazing?
00:03:33.000 Yeah, yeah, no one can hear you, dude. 1.00
00:03:36.000 Shut up. 0.99
00:03:39.000 Wouldn't it be amazing if the left was under the same kind of scrutiny that the right is under? 1.00
00:03:43.000 Where they go, you know, you farted about seven years ago and we have it on tape.
00:03:49.000 And actually, you know what's happening?
00:03:50.000 The left is being exposed to this same sort of draconian laws where James Gunn gets caught making an inappropriate joke 10 years ago.
00:04:00.000 Six years ago, I guess in his case.
00:04:04.000 But like, you could have, I bet if you're a cop, you could have a myriad of shirts that are way more controversial than that that you'd get away with.
00:04:04.000 And they're fried.
00:04:13.000 You could say like, you know, Antifa resists, Shea Guevara killed thousands of people, loved shooting gays in the head. 0.79
00:04:22.000 No one's getting fired for a Shea Guevara shirt.
00:04:24.000 But because your boyfriend is a proud boy, you can no longer police.
00:04:29.000 I'm actually happy about that because she's a chick. 1.00
00:04:31.000 And I don't understand female cops. 1.00
00:04:33.000 Let's cut the crap, right? 1.00
00:04:35.000 They're just human radios. 0.99
00:04:37.000 Hi, help? 0.98
00:04:39.000 There's a giant dude here that I'm supposed to tackle, but I'm five feet tall and I have a huge Puerto Rican ass and can run about one mile an hour. 0.97
00:04:50.000 So please get over here and bring some big, huge men to take down this giant monster. 0.98
00:04:56.000 I love seeing them try too.
00:04:58.000 Put your hands behind your back.
00:05:00.000 No.
00:05:02.000 And you can see, well, we've all been there, right?
00:05:04.000 When a girl tries to beat you up and you're just like, please, just calm down. 0.97
00:05:08.000 Calm down, mom.
00:05:09.000 You ever have your mom try to beat you up?
00:05:11.000 And she starts hammering at you.
00:05:12.000 And when you're 14, 15, you're just like, just a ninja, just blocking every punch because you're at your peak.
00:05:21.000 And then eventually, after 37 punches, you hold your mom's wrists and go, calm down.
00:05:25.000 And then she'll go, ow, you're hurting me.
00:05:29.000 Oh, here's a good one.
00:05:30.000 Yeah, this is a great one.
00:05:33.000 Why are these women cops? 1.00
00:05:36.000 Like, why did you, by the way, being a cop is about going to tackle bad guys.
00:05:40.000 90% of your job is finding bad guys to tackle.
00:05:44.000 Why did you choose that job?
00:05:46.000 You can't tackle anyone.
00:05:49.000 You're not good at grabbing men. 1.00
00:05:54.000 It's like an anorexic teenager deciding to join the NFL. 0.89
00:05:59.000 I don't understand why you chose that profession.
00:06:01.000 You cannot do it.
00:06:04.000 Anyway, we're off of tangents here.
00:06:07.000 We've got a super duper fun show for you tonight.
00:06:13.000 I found a video.
00:06:15.000 Listen to this raucous noise in the studio.
00:06:19.000 People are drinking beer.
00:06:20.000 They're not respecting the environment.
00:06:24.000 I found an old guy.
00:06:25.000 He looks to be about 75 years old and he's running around in the forest singing a Song he wrote called I'm Old and Horny, so we'll be checking in with him.
00:06:34.000 Also, comedian Josh Denny will be on the show to discuss an important subject that I think is in the forefront of everyone's mind in Trump's America, and that is fries.
00:06:45.000 How rare it is that someone cooks fries correctly, that they have that nice droop to them that looks like you need sialis really bad, drenched in vinegar, the quality fry.
00:06:58.000 And the thing that scares me about the state of the French fry in the Western world, and I'm including Britain in that, is I think we've been so hammered with low-quality fries that we actually enjoy frozen fries. 0.99
00:07:14.000 Can you idiots stop talking, please, at a show? 0.99
00:07:18.000 If you want to talk, hey, just go into the other room. 1.00
00:07:23.000 Yeah, I don't care.
00:07:26.000 I love your hair, Gavin.
00:07:27.000 That's great.
00:07:29.000 I go to your barber.
00:07:30.000 Stop talking. 0.93
00:07:33.000 Can we look at this drag queen reading to kids? 1.00
00:07:36.000 What is going on here?
00:07:38.000 I know we've covered this a million times on the show, but I'm starting to wonder what the agenda is. 0.92
00:07:42.000 Now, the far-right kind of kooky conspiracy theory is that they're trying to make your kids gay. 0.77
00:07:47.000 That's weird. 0.61
00:07:48.000 I don't think it's that bad.
00:07:50.000 But something is not right with this.
00:07:54.000 It seems to be under the auspices of we don't want people to hurt gays. 0.99
00:08:00.000 Whew, five-year-olds are going fag-bashing now? 1.00
00:08:03.000 Like, kids don't have opinions on gays. 0.99
00:08:06.000 They might say something dumb and homophobic when they're eight, but they don't even know what they're saying. 0.99
00:08:10.000 Remember, you go, that's gay or whatever. 0.99
00:08:11.000 You're not really thinking what you're saying. 0.93
00:08:13.000 You're not like, that's homosexual, and I don't approve of them, and I don't like going to the West Village or San Francisco. 1.00
00:08:19.000 Like, you don't have any context when you're a little kid.
00:08:22.000 Sure, there's homophobia, I guess, as you get later in life, but why are you trying to nip it in the bud with children and saying, I think, you know what I think there is?
00:08:32.000 I think there's trans camps for kids.
00:08:35.000 I think there's like drag queen camps.
00:08:37.000 See if you can dig that up.
00:08:39.000 Some sort of camp where little boys can dress up in women's clothes, which is, it's not something kids are dying to do.
00:08:47.000 Now, if your son wants to wear a dress, no one really cares.
00:08:50.000 No one's going to beat him up.
00:08:52.000 But this idea that we have to encourage it and send them to gay camp, it started to look like the right-wing conspiracies are true. 1.00
00:09:01.000 Check out this raging homosexual. 1.00
00:09:08.000 Oh, is that the trans camp? 1.00
00:09:11.000 But what makes this summer program unique is the campers it serves.
00:09:14.000 Transgender children, some as young people.
00:09:16.000 There's no such thing as a transgender child. 1.00
00:09:19.000 It's a place where they can use the pronoun of their children.
00:09:21.000 It's kids who have been told by their parents that they're trans.
00:09:24.000 Including many of the camp counselors.
00:09:26.000 They're following their creative interests.
00:09:27.000 You know what I bet's happening here?
00:09:30.000 Oh, that guy's annoying.
00:09:32.000 They get othered.
00:09:32.000 Be their most authentic selves and you stop it there.
00:09:36.000 How about the tropes they have?
00:09:37.000 They have their own language.
00:09:38.000 Be their most authentic selves and get othered.
00:09:41.000 Neither of those things are in English.
00:09:44.000 A. B. What kids are getting fag bashed?
00:09:48.000 Kids don't think like that. 0.99
00:09:52.000 Anyway, play the drag queen reading hour. 0.98
00:09:57.000 Finally, a place where kids can be gay. 1.00
00:09:59.000 Gay is a type of sex. 1.00
00:10:01.000 I don't want kids to do straight or gay sex. 1.00
00:10:05.000 Don't think about sex. 1.00
00:10:06.000 And by the way, drag queens are inexorably linked to sex. 1.00
00:10:11.000 You're not just dressing up as a lady, you're dressing up as a complete whore. 1.00
00:10:18.000 Like imagine your wife wore that much makeup. 1.00
00:10:20.000 You'd go, are you having a stroke?
00:10:21.000 What did you do to your face?
00:10:23.000 And this is drag queen story hour.
00:10:24.000 Give it up for yourself.
00:10:26.000 Yay, I sat here.
00:10:28.000 This is the land of all, and everyone fits in here.
00:10:32.000 Do you see that?
00:10:34.000 They're being nice to the bullies.
00:10:36.000 What color are the frogs?
00:10:38.000 Green.
00:10:39.000 Yay.
00:10:40.000 The reactions from the kids are hysterical.
00:10:42.000 Does anyone know what a drag queen is? 1.00
00:10:44.000 No, I know what a drag queen is. 1.00
00:10:46.000 It's an overly self-indulgent gay man who is trying to somehow appropriate female culture and has realized that that's not possible. 0.98
00:10:57.000 So he's just drifted into lampooning female culture. 0.94
00:11:00.000 So it's kind of sexist in that it's mocking women.
00:11:04.000 But it is the farthest thing from normal you can get. 0.96
00:11:09.000 It's a ridiculous Halloween game, which I don't have a problem with, by the way. 0.84
00:11:14.000 I went to a drag queen restaurant with Pamela Geller, Milo Yiannopoulos. 0.92
00:11:17.000 We're laughing our heads off.
00:11:18.000 Unfortunately, by the way, Pam had a few too many. 0.80
00:11:22.000 And I posited the theory that I go, isn't this kind of sexist?
00:11:26.000 Like, aren't they kind of making fun of women?
00:11:28.000 This whole restaurant, the whole theme, all the shows, they're mocking women. 1.00
00:11:32.000 And she goes, yeah, that's starting to piss me off.
00:11:37.000 So she gets up on stage and grabs the mic. 0.99
00:11:41.000 And the guy's like, honey, you need to give me that microphone back.
00:11:43.000 And she's like, f ⁇ you! 1.00
00:11:45.000 This is all a lie.
00:11:46.000 What are we doing here? 0.98
00:11:48.000 This is disgusting.
00:11:49.000 And Milo and I are just both going, oh my God.
00:11:54.000 I mean, she was right. 0.97
00:11:57.000 And then as we left, there's all these lesbians waiting by the front door to beat up Pamela Geller. 1.00
00:12:02.000 And we're in so many different, like she's, Pamela was there making a feminist statement, but that was seen as homophobic. 0.98
00:12:11.000 And then lesbians want to beat up another woman. 1.00
00:12:17.000 What a tangled web we weave. 1.00
00:12:18.000 Let's go back to this tangled mess.
00:12:20.000 But so my point, by the way, is no one cares about drag queens. 0.96
00:12:23.000 I think it's kind of funny.
00:12:24.000 My problem with them in public, like if you're at a party or something, you're like, do I talk to you normal? 0.93
00:12:29.000 It's like a clown. 0.93
00:12:30.000 If you're hanging out with a clown, you don't go, how about the Dell, eh? 0.95
00:12:34.000 Yeah, it's doing real good, honk, honk. 1.00
00:12:37.000 So you can't, so like, they always have a name like, I'm Hot Mess, and I'm a total whore. 0.99
00:12:42.000 So you go, okay, hi, hot mess. 1.00
00:12:44.000 You're a whore. 1.00
00:12:44.000 Anyway, do you know if there's more cups for these? 1.00
00:12:48.000 Oh, darling, I'm such a whore. 1.00
00:12:50.000 I probably have a cup of my ass. 1.00
00:12:52.000 Okay, I get the joke. 1.00
00:12:54.000 But how long do we do this bit for?
00:12:56.000 Like, you're in a costume.
00:12:58.000 It's like talking to Chewbacca at a Halloween party.
00:13:01.000 And you're like, do we talk about Han solo or do you take it off at some point?
00:13:08.000 How long are we serious for?
00:13:12.000 They get to know who I am.
00:13:13.000 A drag queen is a character. 1.00
00:13:15.000 You're wearing a silly costume. 0.93
00:13:17.000 This is like someone reading to kids as Batman. 0.99
00:13:21.000 I be a chick with you.
00:13:23.000 Yeah, you could be a drag queen superhero. 0.97
00:13:27.000 Did you hear that?
00:13:28.000 I want to be a superhero.
00:13:30.000 You could be a drag queen superhero. 0.99
00:13:32.000 No, I didn't say that.
00:13:34.000 I want to be a scientist and cure cancer. 0.69
00:13:36.000 As a drag queen. 0.99
00:13:38.000 No, I don't want to put on makeup and stuff in the lab.
00:13:41.000 I just want my doctor coat on and I want to have a bunch of vials of stuff curing cancer. 0.99
00:13:46.000 As a gay lunatic? 0.99
00:13:49.000 No. 1.00
00:13:50.000 I want to be a construction worker in drag. 1.00
00:13:54.000 No, I'd probably get my ass kicked. 0.99
00:13:56.000 And I got to lift 2x4s and stuff. 0.99
00:13:58.000 I don't want to be walking around in a little mini skirt holding these I-beams. 1.00
00:14:03.000 Let us watch a little bit more.
00:14:05.000 Yeah, you could be a drag queen superhero. 0.97
00:14:07.000 No.
00:14:08.000 Yeah.
00:14:08.000 No such thing.
00:14:09.000 As soon as you start singing songs and having fun together is when they really let loose.
00:14:13.000 You put your right hand in.
00:14:15.000 Yeah, kids like to play.
00:14:16.000 Congratulations, Drag Queen Scientist. 0.99
00:14:18.000 The game power helps teach kids to accept themselves and let them know that it's okay to be themselves and speak who they are.
00:14:24.000 Just pause here. 0.97
00:14:26.000 Even within the gay world, drag queens are the kookiest it gets. 1.00
00:14:30.000 So this whole idea that they can accept themselves, none of them are drag queens. 1.00
00:14:34.000 I don't understand.
00:14:36.000 It's like being the weirdest Trekkie who speaks Klingon and then going to little kids and going, I want these kids to know that if they want to speak Klingon, they want to dress up with prosthetics on their head and use one of those choo-choo choo Star Trek things, they can. 0.82
00:14:49.000 And I'm sick of kids getting beaten up for that.
00:14:51.000 That's never happened, but it might.
00:14:54.000 So I'm going to read to kids.
00:14:56.000 And to accept others.
00:14:58.000 I like the book neither because it's about being nice to other people.
00:15:03.000 Like drag queens. 1.00
00:15:04.000 I like LGBTQ books, also about gender.
00:15:07.000 This actually touches base and explains a drag queen from, like I said, a kid-friendly perspective.
00:15:13.000 I do.
00:15:14.000 You know what he should really do?
00:15:15.000 He should go to Dominican, Puerto Rican neighborhoods and Harlem and East New York and go, we've got a real problem with homophobia, so I'm going to be reading to the Trinitarios, Dominicans Don't Play, and the Bloods in the Crypts.
00:15:32.000 I'm also going to prisons.
00:15:34.000 I'm going to be at Rikers, just reading to some of the inmates so they can see that we're people just like them.
00:15:41.000 No, I'll stick to kids.
00:15:42.000 Kids can't beat me up. 0.98
00:15:44.000 All right, let's check out an old and horny man. 1.00
00:15:46.000 Dragon Story Hour is.
00:15:48.000 And then talk to Josh Denny about fries.
00:15:54.000 Hey, everybody, I want to introduce you to my friend Boby.
00:15:57.000 We call him European Boby. 0.90
00:15:59.000 And he is here to explain to you that sexuality and being sexy is timeless.
00:16:05.000 Take it away, boobie. 0.99
00:16:06.000 La la la la la. 0.99
00:16:11.000 I'm old and horny. 0.98
00:16:13.000 Sold. 0.96
00:16:14.000 Like a hot pie.
00:16:16.000 Wait, stop. 0.99
00:16:19.000 Pies don't have emotions, so you can't be horny if you're a pie. 0.93
00:16:23.000 That's a bad analogy. 0.97
00:16:24.000 But I don't want an old hot pie. 0.96
00:16:27.000 I'm old and horny like a hot pie.
00:16:30.000 A hot pie, if it's more than like, say, three hours old, we used to have them in Scotland all the time.
00:16:35.000 You'd have meat pies that would be in the back of the pub. 0.91
00:16:39.000 If they're more than like three or four hours old, even at a very slow heat, they're garbage.
00:16:42.000 They're all dried out. 0.69
00:16:44.000 So I don't want an old and horny hot pie. 0.52
00:16:46.000 That's really unappealing. 0.95
00:16:48.000 Way to go, booby.
00:16:51.000 Keep thinking of me.
00:16:54.000 Doing what you like.
00:16:56.000 Okay.
00:16:57.000 Done.
00:16:58.000 So boy, forget about the world.
00:17:01.000 Or is it gonna be me and you tonight?
00:17:06.000 I wanna make you beg for it. 0.75
00:17:08.000 Then I'm gonna make you swallow my pie. 1.00
00:17:12.000 Ew, gross. 0.85
00:17:14.000 I want you to make me feel like I'm the only boy in the world. 0.88
00:17:19.000 Okay, just pause. 0.99
00:17:21.000 If you're gonna be a sexual miscreant and wear a tutu, try to keep the word boy out of your mouth. 0.98
00:17:27.000 The hot pie was a bad analogy, but boy is even worse. 0.99
00:17:29.000 We don't want to hear about little children when you're talking about your incredibly adventurous sex life.
00:17:36.000 So say, make me feel like the most important man in the world or guy in the world.
00:17:43.000 The boy thing is not doing it for me.
00:17:45.000 Anyway, keep going.
00:17:46.000 *outro music*
00:17:57.000 What is going on in the world?
00:18:01.000 This is what happens when we're too positive. 0.95
00:18:04.000 Can we start making fun of people again and calling them ridiculous? 0.87
00:18:08.000 I've had enough of this. 0.99
00:18:10.000 I've had enough of looking at complete lunatic perverts and saying, hmm, that's reasonable. 0.97
00:18:16.000 Let's give you the time of day. 0.98
00:18:17.000 No, no more time and days for these people. 1.00
00:18:20.000 I'm going to laugh in your face and go, you're a lunatic. 1.00
00:18:29.000 Josh, are you there? 1.00
00:18:30.000 I am.
00:18:31.000 You look great.
00:18:32.000 You're a good dresser.
00:18:34.000 I guess so.
00:18:35.000 This is just my Sunday dicking around the house gear.
00:18:38.000 Well, I love it.
00:18:39.000 It's patriotic.
00:18:40.000 It's red and blue.
00:18:41.000 And you're white. 0.77
00:18:42.000 That's all three.
00:18:43.000 Yeah, I'm like pink today.
00:18:45.000 Why?
00:18:47.000 I don't know. 0.62
00:18:47.000 Just the merriness of being this white. 0.62
00:18:51.000 Sometimes you get a little bit of sun and you turn a little lobstery.
00:18:54.000 I'm sorry.
00:18:55.000 The merriness?
00:18:56.000 Yeah, right?
00:18:57.000 That's the meriness.
00:18:59.000 You should make that your catchphrase.
00:19:01.000 Every time you do something, you spill someone's beer.
00:19:03.000 That's the merriness of Josh Denny.
00:19:08.000 Yeah, that's what it is.
00:19:09.000 That's the meriness of me.
00:19:11.000 All right, let's stop.
00:19:12.000 Let's cut it with the small talk and get serious here.
00:19:16.000 Frozen fries are disgusting.
00:19:17.000 They're not fries.
00:19:19.000 They are potato mush that is then reshaped into a fry, and they somehow legally get away with writing fries on the menu.
00:19:29.000 And if they're not handcut, that's a lie.
00:19:32.000 Yeah, I agree.
00:19:33.000 I couldn't agree more. 0.93
00:19:34.000 It's disgusting.
00:19:35.000 And the fact that it's even the people even debate it is annoying to me as a food guy.
00:19:41.000 Well, you know what scares me?
00:19:42.000 I do a perfect Scottish accent because my parents are Scottish.
00:19:45.000 And I know a few other guys who can do it.
00:19:47.000 And some of them are actors in commercials.
00:19:49.000 And they go, if I do a good Scottish accent, they say, what will you sound Armenian?
00:19:54.000 So then I dumb it down and I do a Groundskeeper Willie. 0.99
00:19:57.000 And I'm like, if it's not Scottish, it's crap. 1.00
00:20:00.000 And they go, there, finally, you got it. 1.00
00:20:01.000 And he goes, the bad Scottish accent is the norm now.
00:20:05.000 And I think it's, I've talked to restaurant owners and I go, can't you just go ka-chunk, ka-chunkunkunkunkunk-chunk a bunch of times and let them soak overnight? 0.99
00:20:12.000 And he goes, I've tried that.
00:20:14.000 People prefer frozen fries.
00:20:16.000 And I just went, oh. 0.97
00:20:20.000 Dude, it's ridiculous. 0.80
00:20:22.000 I don't, I have no idea why anybody would want to eat frozen fries over fresh cut fries. 0.98
00:20:27.000 Like, if I don't see skin on my fries, I know I'm getting a sh ⁇ product. 0.96
00:20:31.000 Yeah, well, they do a trick now.
00:20:32.000 Have you seen this new thing where it looks like it's a Chernobyl fry and they add little scabs and stuff to the outside to make it look more hand-cut?
00:20:42.000 So it's like a fake frozen, I mean, it's a fake hand-cut fry with lumps and tumors on it and stuff.
00:20:47.000 And you're supposed to go, oh, now it has texture.
00:20:49.000 Now I forgive you.
00:20:50.000 Yeah, like we just care about the appearance.
00:20:52.000 You could put, you could just feed me sh ⁇ , but just make it look like a potato.
00:20:57.000 As an Irishman, it's offensive to us.
00:20:59.000 Oh, you don't think I know the genuine article?
00:21:01.000 Yeah, it's bizarre.
00:21:03.000 I'm at the point now where I'll order a cheeseburger.
00:21:06.000 I'll have the frozen fries there, but it's, and now it's like, when you're having your cheeseburger, if you want to maybe remember fries, you could sort of eat these as like a space guy.
00:21:15.000 You know, if you're in outer space and you have that space ice cream, it probably reminds you of what ice cream is like.
00:21:21.000 So they give you space fries.
00:21:23.000 Uh-oh, are you really, really good at standing still or did you freeze?
00:21:26.000 Oh, good, you're back.
00:21:28.000 So I'll occasionally have some, but I'm not enjoying it.
00:21:32.000 I don't consider it fries.
00:21:34.000 And I won't have more than like a little, a couple handfuls to sort of ameliate my cheeseburger.
00:21:41.000 Yeah.
00:21:41.000 Well, the worst is you hear people in LA all the time rave about In-N-Out.
00:21:45.000 Well, I love how fresh it is, but it's the most bland, disgusting burger ever. 0.78
00:21:51.000 And their fries are atrocious.
00:21:53.000 I mean, they remind me of those French fry, like the dried French fry snacks you would get in a bag that were like chips, but they looked like, they were shaped like french fries.
00:22:03.000 Yeah, hickory sticks.
00:22:04.000 Yeah.
00:22:05.000 We called them hickory sticks up in Canada.
00:22:07.000 But wait a minute.
00:22:08.000 Maybe I'm spoiled, but I still consider Inel pretty good.
00:22:10.000 And aren't their fries hand-cut? 0.99
00:22:13.000 They might be, but they're garbage. 0.99
00:22:15.000 Their fries are terrible. 0.99
00:22:16.000 I like five guys' fries the best.
00:22:18.000 Five guys fries drenched in vinegar is almost better than a cheeseburger.
00:22:23.000 It's almost more satisfying, especially when they're droopy and covered in salt.
00:22:29.000 Or you get the Cajun fries and you do those in vinegar.
00:22:32.000 That's the move.
00:22:33.000 That's my move.
00:22:34.000 Yeah, that is awesome.
00:22:36.000 And I love that they have vinegar there.
00:22:37.000 You ever hear of a place called Muya Burger?
00:22:40.000 No.
00:22:40.000 That might only be in the Northeast.
00:22:42.000 What about Elevation Burger?
00:22:43.000 I haven't heard of that either.
00:22:45.000 It's also awesome.
00:22:46.000 And they do hand cut and they cover them with cheese and jalapenos.
00:22:49.000 And sometimes they'll throw an egg in the mix for your breakfast.
00:22:53.000 It's awesome.
00:22:54.000 You know, here's something very curious. 0.98
00:22:56.000 And when you hear that people hate fries, you go, all right, so I guess frozen fries are white trash. 1.00
00:23:01.000 And then handcut fries are for the elites and the rich. 0.99
00:23:04.000 That makes sense.
00:23:05.000 But if you go to a super fancy steakhouse, like up here in New York, we have Keene's where Abe Lincoln used to go and FDR and a steak is 50 bucks.
00:23:15.000 Right.
00:23:16.000 When they bring you fries, those fries will be frozen fries.
00:23:20.000 Yeah, it's mind-blowing. 0.96
00:23:22.000 Conversely, if you go to some cheap fair up in upstate New York where everyone wears the Confederate flag and says, I hate New York, and they're like rednecks, and you go to some disgusting van that's by the stupid dart rip-off thing and some claw scam, it's the most delicious hand-cut fries on earth coming from this greasy chip van in the fair. 0.93
00:23:45.000 So the rich guys eat the frozen fries and the poor guys eat the handcuff fries. 0.96
00:23:50.000 This is a very long question I'm asking you, but I can't help but think that really good quality fries are sort of seen as trashy because they're Irish. 1.00
00:23:58.000 So the elites just have frozen fries to differentiate themselves from the poor Irish or something because it's incongruous. 1.00
00:24:04.000 Yeah, it's probably true.
00:24:06.000 It's probably true.
00:24:07.000 I think it boils down to, I think like cheaper places go the cheaper route.
00:24:12.000 And I think, you know, fancier places are looking for margin.
00:24:16.000 They're trying to squeeze as much margin out as possible for volume.
00:24:19.000 So all they're trying to do is get cheap product in bulk.
00:24:23.000 Whereas when you're doing smaller batch, like hand-cut fresh potatoes is always cheaper.
00:24:28.000 But when you get into like massive volume and you talk about like storing stuff, it comes down to the labor of, you know, the fancy steakhouse doesn't want to pay a guy to do this for an hour a day.
00:24:41.000 You know, so they just get stuff that's pre-bagged.
00:24:43.000 Yeah.
00:24:44.000 Good point.
00:24:44.000 And they also have to soak it in water all night long to get the starch out.
00:24:49.000 So now you've got, you know, five gallon buckets, five one gallon buckets sitting all over the kitchen, just like lying there all night.
00:24:57.000 I presume you have to cover them or something.
00:24:59.000 Then you've got to drain all those.
00:25:01.000 It is quite a surprisingly complicated process to make good fries.
00:25:05.000 You do have to cover them unless you're running a Jewish deli in New York, and then you don't really have to cover anything.
00:25:11.000 It's part of the magic.
00:25:13.000 I remember when we were filming our show in New York and we were in this old Jewish deli and I was like, what are these buckets that are just open in the air?
00:25:20.000 And my culinary producer was like, oh, no, that's just how they let things ferment and get ready.
00:25:26.000 And like, yeah, that's brisket.
00:25:28.000 That one's fries.
00:25:29.000 And I'm like, oh, cool.
00:25:30.000 Good thing we know which bucket is which.
00:25:32.000 Good thing I'm never eating here ever again.
00:25:34.000 Yeah, I was like, cool.
00:25:35.000 Can't wait to feed this to everyone in the restaurant but me.
00:25:40.000 So you hand cut them, you let them sit overnight, you drain the water, then I believe, correct me if I'm wrong, you're the expert here, you blanch them by cooking them.
00:25:50.000 Yeah, that's the best way to do it.
00:25:51.000 That's the best way to do it is to blanch.
00:25:53.000 And it's actually the best way to make green beans and things like that too, because you don't want them to be soggy.
00:25:58.000 So blanching is a technique where you boil them, then ice them, and then fry them.
00:26:03.000 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:26:05.000 So you put them in, you deep fry them, or you boil them in water.
00:26:11.000 Yeah, you can do that, and then you can ice them.
00:26:13.000 Like it's with vegetables, when you blanch, you boil and then ice and then like saute.
00:26:19.000 So that's how you get like crispy, if you really want extra crispy green beans, that's the best way to do it.
00:26:25.000 Boil, ice, and then saute.
00:26:27.000 Okay, I got a rest.
00:26:28.000 So you boil it for like two seconds, like not two seconds, but like a minute.
00:26:33.000 You boil it for a minute or at least until the green pops.
00:26:36.000 Then you drop it in ice water and then you throw it on the on the pan or the grill and you get really crispy, crunchy green beans, except they're not raw.
00:26:46.000 You know the difference.
00:26:47.000 You've had like a raw green bean versus a crispy green bean.
00:26:53.000 I like the way your eyes bulge out.
00:26:55.000 Like you're saying the craziest thing in the world.
00:26:57.000 You've had a raw green bean.
00:26:59.000 I mean, it's like you said, everyone's fallen off a motorbike at 80 miles an hour.
00:27:04.000 I mean, it is scary.
00:27:06.000 It's like having a raw green bean.
00:27:08.000 I mean, yeah, I'd rather fall off a motorbike at 80 miles an hour than eat a raw green bean.
00:27:15.000 So wait a minute here.
00:27:16.000 There's two ways to do it now.
00:27:18.000 So after post-starch, post-night in a bucket, you can either boil them, ice them, and then fry them, or fry them and ice them and fry them?
00:27:25.000 What was the second option?
00:27:27.000 You don't want to fry them because then you've got the oil.
00:27:29.000 You can't mix the oil and the water.
00:27:31.000 But ultimately, if you're going to ice them overnight, then you want to try to pat them as dry as possible before you fry them.
00:27:37.000 Wait, ice them overnight?
00:27:38.000 Now you're adding a new thing.
00:27:39.000 I thought we were leaving them in normal water overnight.
00:27:41.000 Now we're putting ice in that?
00:27:43.000 You can do either way.
00:27:44.000 You can do either way.
00:27:45.000 What are you talking about, Josh?
00:27:46.000 Are you just making this up as you go?
00:27:48.000 No one ices fries overnight?
00:27:50.000 You don't use cold water if you ice them overnight?
00:27:53.000 You're making this up as you go along.
00:27:55.000 You just made up the ice them overnight thing.
00:27:57.000 The water was just to get the starch out.
00:27:59.000 It could be any temperature.
00:28:00.000 You don't think it makes a difference?
00:28:02.000 I've never heard of that before.
00:28:04.000 I mean, I just always use cold water.
00:28:06.000 Okay, but you said ice water, which was a new thing that no one's ever said before.
00:28:10.000 Yeah, ice water, cold.
00:28:12.000 How do you keep water cold over time?
00:28:14.000 Ice water implies there's ice in the water.
00:28:16.000 I'll have some fries on the rocks, please.
00:28:18.000 That was a weird tangent you went on.
00:28:21.000 We'll just pretend it never happened.
00:28:22.000 So you starch them in the water all night, but is there another way to blanch them besides boiling them or you just boil them?
00:28:29.000 You boil them, take them out, and then deep fry them later.
00:28:32.000 Yeah, I guess you could do it that way.
00:28:34.000 Although I don't know many places that still do it that way.
00:28:37.000 I think that's more done with like steak fries.
00:28:39.000 Right.
00:28:40.000 I wonder what Five Guys does, if they do the boiling thing or they just go water overnight and then put them in the deep fryer raw.
00:28:48.000 Yeah, you know, I'm trying to think what their setup is like in their places because I don't feel like I see them pull them out of buckets or out of any kind of wet storage.
00:28:58.000 I feel like they're in a box or something.
00:29:00.000 Yeah.
00:29:00.000 Well, I tried to make fries correctly.
00:29:02.000 I wanted to make Poutin at home.
00:29:04.000 I had cheese curds FedExed in.
00:29:06.000 The whole ordeal was about nine hours of labor.
00:29:11.000 Yeah, it's a lot of work.
00:29:12.000 It was like giving birth.
00:29:15.000 Also, if you don't have a potato, like a fry cutter, the wall-mounted variety, to do them by hand takes hours.
00:29:25.000 Like, even if your knife skills are good, it takes forever to cut symmetrical fries.
00:29:30.000 Yes, especially the kind you like.
00:29:31.000 Have you ever had fries in Britain, in Scotland, like the newspaper kind?
00:29:35.000 I mean, not in Britain or Scotland, but I've had them in New York at like an Irish pub or something where they're.
00:29:41.000 Well, there's that place, Tea and Sympathy, a Salt and Battery on the West Side that does, in the West Village, that does it exactly the same way the Brits do. 0.97
00:29:48.000 And their fries will get like your thumb would be the tiniest fry they have.
00:29:52.000 They're almost like potato wedges and they're super greasy.
00:29:55.000 Then you cover them in vinegar and salt.
00:29:57.000 And, you know, it's the most delicious thing in the world.
00:29:59.000 But with our little fragile American stomachs, we have two bites of fish and a couple of those giant fries.
00:30:06.000 And you got to lie down for about four hours.
00:30:08.000 With all the vinegar and stuff.
00:30:10.000 I love it.
00:30:12.000 I could do fish and chips just waterboarded with vinegar in the most, like I'll, you won't get the secrets out of my fish or chips.
00:30:23.000 That's how much vinegar.
00:30:26.000 Giottish fish and chips.
00:30:29.000 It's just not telling you where the, it's not giving you the codes.
00:30:32.000 It's not telling you where the nukes are.
00:30:34.000 Josh, it's trying to tell you the codes.
00:30:36.000 You just keep devouring it.
00:30:38.000 It's like, wait, hear me out.
00:30:39.000 I'm done.
00:30:40.000 I'm done.
00:30:41.000 I can't hear you.
00:30:42.000 You're not coming in very clear.
00:30:44.000 Yeah, I get the looks when I'm at a Five Guys because I'll empty a bottle of malt vinegar at my table and people are just like, but there's other people.
00:30:52.000 And I, yeah, there's 30 bottles.
00:30:54.000 Yeah, it's not expensive, all right?
00:30:56.000 And if Five Guys has a problem with that, they wouldn't put them out there in the first place.
00:31:00.000 Yeah.
00:31:00.000 They could charge me.
00:31:01.000 Run a tab.
00:31:02.000 I've got a new place by my house and it's like Irish Chippers and we got all the chips and come on down to the, I forget what it's called. 0.98
00:31:08.000 It's called like Flanagan's Chippery.
00:31:11.000 And I want to go there, but I appreciate when entrepreneurs work hard to make a restaurant.
00:31:16.000 I had a restaurant.
00:31:16.000 I know how impossible it is.
00:31:18.000 But if they're frozen fries, I'm going to be pissed off.
00:31:21.000 But I don't want to hurt their feelings.
00:31:22.000 So my plan is to go there, order fish and chips, and then go, thank you very much. 0.70
00:31:27.000 Then walk around the corner, check if they're frozen crap, just throw it in the garbage and say, well, I'm never going there again.
00:31:33.000 But if it's real, then come back and go, God bless you. 0.97
00:31:37.000 Thank you.
00:31:37.000 Thank you.
00:31:38.000 I love you.
00:31:40.000 How do you know immediately?
00:31:42.000 Like, for me, it's all about the texture of the outside skin.
00:31:45.000 Yes.
00:31:45.000 Like, if it's, if it's, because essentially a frozen fry, it's the same consistency all the way through.
00:31:51.000 Whereas with a fresh cut fry, you can taste the different texture between the skin and the inside.
00:31:57.000 Yes, and it's very rare a frozen fry can achieve droopiness, but that sort of like flaccid sialis commercial of a fry tells you right away that you're dealing with the real deal.
00:32:11.000 Yeah, that's what you want.
00:32:12.000 If it's hard as a rock when you pull it out, if it's yeah, if it's if it's an erect fry, if you can hold it like this with stuff on the end of it.
00:32:21.000 Yes.
00:32:22.000 Maybe that's the root of our love of real fries is just latent homophobia.
00:32:29.000 Yeah, I don't like anything that's hard all the time for no reason. 0.99
00:32:32.000 Look, you have those erect fries, homo. 1.00
00:32:35.000 I'm having some nice droopy fries that aren't interested in dudes. 0.91
00:32:39.000 It's funny that you say that because I was working on this new bit the other day, but when everyone talks about like, well, racism is never good.
00:32:45.000 homophobia is never good.
00:32:46.000 I go, homophobia would be really great in a gang rape situation, right? 1.00
00:32:50.000 Like, if all of a sudden, if all of a sudden three dudes looked at each other and they were like, you know what? 0.94
00:32:55.000 This feels kind of gay.
00:32:56.000 Maybe we should let this girl go on and live her life. 1.00
00:32:58.000 Like, yeah, there's a situation where homophobia might save some lives.
00:33:02.000 Homophobia, that's her t-shirt after. 0.86
00:33:04.000 Homophobia saved my life. 0.92
00:33:06.000 She becomes a crusader.
00:33:08.000 God hates. 0.99
00:33:10.000 If those guys didn't feel gay for two seconds, I would be traumatized. 0.99
00:33:14.000 That'd be the next Nanette on Netflix.
00:33:18.000 She's good, isn't she?
00:33:20.000 Oh, man, she's great.
00:33:22.000 I was set up in the delivery.
00:33:24.000 I was riped.
00:33:25.000 Ten men surrounded me and beat me and beat me.
00:33:27.000 Why was I ripe?
00:33:28.000 How is that fair?
00:33:30.000 I was just like, where's the punchline?
00:33:34.000 When's the comedy part coming?
00:33:37.000 My experience is rape is really sad.
00:33:40.000 So is getting beaten.
00:33:41.000 I don't know where the laughs come in here, but.
00:33:43.000 Yeah, she was like, I was beaten. 0.95
00:33:45.000 And then later I was raped. 0.90
00:33:46.000 And I was like, boy, I feel like she's really closing in a very strange way. 0.86
00:33:52.000 I hope this is building to something.
00:33:54.000 That angle, by the way, her defense would be, well, we're reinventing the wheel and stuff. 0.98
00:33:57.000 And you're like, that's like going to a dessert place and there's just a turd there.
00:34:01.000 And they go, not all dessert has to be delicious.
00:34:03.000 Some of it could be poison, mate.
00:34:05.000 This is what I hate about comedy now is now we're calling the best comedy stuff that's not comedy.
00:34:12.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:34:13.000 Best cakes are turds.
00:34:15.000 No, those aren't cakes.
00:34:17.000 I'm writing this story for Vandal Press about how alt comedy has changed.
00:34:22.000 When I came up, I was like, I hate alt comedy.
00:34:24.000 It's just nerdy and weird.
00:34:25.000 And now what I do is the new alt comedy to make people laugh with jokes is alternative or old school or vintage.
00:34:35.000 It's like when a musician pulls a guitar out instead of sits behind a laptop and people go, what's that relic from the past?
00:34:43.000 Guitars and laughter.
00:34:44.000 Those are the things of olden days that just dinosaurs like me are holding on to, I guess.
00:34:50.000 It's like, by the way, we only had time to talk about fries.
00:34:53.000 This is all officially in overtime, but it reminds me of this transgender woman saying, at this point, the medical community are the only ones who believe in two genders.
00:35:02.000 And I'm like, oh, that poo-poo, the old medical community, those weirdos over at the hospitals doing heart transplants. 0.76
00:35:10.000 Those freaks. 0.98
00:35:12.000 If we think they're out of line and playing God, then I guess we don't need to give everybody free health care since it's just witchcraft. 1.00
00:35:19.000 Well, he told me I'm a man because I have a penis. 0.98
00:35:22.000 I don't know what church is pushing him down that road. 0.99
00:35:24.000 Well, good idea.
00:35:25.000 Maybe we shouldn't government fund them.
00:35:27.000 Don't give them money.
00:35:28.000 Josh, we got to go.
00:35:29.000 And you shouldn't have straightened fries.
00:35:31.000 I like you more than a friend.
00:35:32.000 All right.
00:35:37.000 What would you do if a large-breasted African-American woman of color was on your plane, pulled out her gigantic, gorgeous chocolate bosom, and started feeding it to her child right next to you? 1.00
00:35:53.000 I think I would go, oh.
00:35:55.000 I mean, the customary thing is to put a little towel or something on top.
00:35:59.000 I don't mind when people breastfeed, by the way.
00:36:01.000 My only problem with women breastfeeding in public is they never wink back. 1.00
00:36:04.000 But you're supposed to put a little blanket over your something, not just be like, blob, flop.
00:36:09.000 It's clearly not sexual.
00:36:11.000 You can't enjoy it because a baby's involved.
00:36:15.000 But I think I would just sort of go, oh, so that's what that looks like.
00:36:19.000 Maybe check it out.
00:36:20.000 I know one thing I wouldn't do, I wouldn't use my arm to somehow not see what is happening next to me.
00:36:26.000 Check out this guy's solution to public breastfeeding. 1.00
00:36:31.000 He's got his elbow blocking his peripheral vision.
00:36:34.000 So he doesn't have to see it.
00:36:38.000 I love the person next to her, by the way, recording this.
00:36:42.000 Someone just like, I don't care if I get in trouble.
00:36:44.000 I need to get this on tape.
00:36:46.000 I need this to get off my lawn.
00:36:53.000 Just dive in.