Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - June 01, 2018


Get Off My Lawn #54 | My son often looks at me like I got something on my face

Topics
middle class neighborhood vandalism all these third world babies without mommies being childless
Hosted by
Gavin McInnes
Mentioned
Fortnite Lauren Southern Tommy Robinson Tammy Conkle Sharpie Johnny Stacey Trevor Pepper Gavin Steve Casey Concerto Blindfolded Barbara Ehrenreich Finnegan Flanagan Henriette Valium Darren Alberti Kevin Jessup George Soros Mick Jagger and 13 more
Ep 137 | Rosie The Bigoter | Get Off My Lawn Ep 138 | Trump Meets Rump | Get Off My Lawn

Episode Stats


Length

37 minutes

Words per minute

166.89

Word count

6,211

Sentence count

620

Harmful content

Misogyny

30

sentences flagged

Toxicity

165

sentences flagged

Hate speech

34

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

This episode is all about being a dad and dealing with the things that come with being a parent. I talk about how to deal with a kid with a "fag" on their nose, and how to handle a kid who has 10 girlfriends. I also talk about the time my kid ate a donut upside down, and he flips it upside down on the table, and it turns out he's got his own donut on it too! Also, I explain why it's a good thing I'm not a tradesman, because fixing a hole in the wall is a hard thing to do, because you have to be a talented tradesman to fix your own hole in your own wall. And I also explain why you should never be mad at your kids for stealing an iPad, because it's not your fault that your kids are playing Fortnite, it's your kids' fault that they're playing a video game that you don't want them to play it, and that you're a bad dad because you're letting them do it. Enjoy, and Happy Father's Day! -Jon Sorrentino Enjoy and Retweet, Timestamps: 1:00:00 - What's the worst thing a dad has ever said to his kid? 4:30 - How a kid has a fag on his nose? 6:00 What's your biggest pet peeve? 7:30 8:40 - How do you deal with it? 9:15 - What are you going to do with your kids? 11: What do you do when you don t like someone else's donut? 14:00? 15:00- What s your favorite food? 16:15 17:20 - How much do you like your kids like being left alone? 18:40 19:20 21:30- What do they like to be left alone in the morning? 22:15- What is your favorite thing to eat? 27:40- What are they like? 26:20- Do you like being a good night out? 28:00 + 27: What are your favorite meal? 29:00 | What s the worst food you ve ever had? 30:00 / 32:30 | Do you have your own dreams? 35:00 // 33:00 & 35:30 // 35:10

Transcript

Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 My son often looks at me like I got something on my face.
00:00:03.000 It's starting to piss me off. 0.99
00:00:08.000 Like imagine you had someone wrote on your nose, fag, and you were talking to someone. 0.99
00:00:16.000 Imagine how the other person would do that thing. 1.00
00:00:18.000 You know that thing where you're trying not to smile and you sort of contort your face?
00:00:23.000 Handy tip if you're doing that.
00:00:26.000 You pretend your neck hurts.
00:00:29.000 So, say someone has a rude word on their face, you sort of, uh, you just, and you don't want to smile, you sort of go, ah, God, my neck!
00:00:38.000 Ow, yikes! 1.00
00:00:39.000 And it lets your cheeks do a smile, so you get a few smile points, like, aye, aye, aye, my neck, wow, really hurts, yeah!
00:00:50.000 Uh, and you get your yayas out, as my friend Mick Jagger would say.
00:00:56.000 Um, but he looks at me like that.
00:00:59.000 What is going on here?
00:01:00.000 That this is the thing about being a dad though, is say you are, um, say you're out, say, say no one likes you anymore.
00:01:10.000 And you're now in the teenager phase where being the corrections officer has X'd you.
00:01:15.000 And now you're just Mr. Bad guy.
00:01:17.000 You have to go, Oh, well, I'm Mr. Bad guy.
00:01:20.000 I gotta take 10 years off until I'm popular again.
00:01:24.000 No hugs, no kisses.
00:01:26.000 I think a lot of dads can't handle that. 0.97
00:01:27.000 They go, why are you looking at me like I have fag on my nose? 0.95
00:01:32.000 It made me feel insignificant. 0.99
00:01:34.000 You just have to go, oh, you don't like me anymore?
00:01:36.000 Oh, well.
00:01:38.000 I guess we got another 14, 15 years before we're buddies again.
00:01:43.000 Because it's bedtime.
00:01:45.000 And no, you can't play Fortnite!
00:01:48.000 That's ru- Oh my god, you're not gonna believe this. 1.00
00:01:50.000 Those fuckers outsmarted me. 1.00
00:01:53.000 And it's pretty embarrassing. 1.00
00:01:54.000 I told you I made a lockbox for all the iPads and phones and everything with a screen.
00:02:00.000 And all the PS4 stuff, the Xbox stuff, all locked in there.
00:02:05.000 And then I felt great.
00:02:07.000 And then today, I was- I stayed at home.
00:02:10.000 And, uh, I'm working at my little home office, and I turn around and my son and his friend, also named Gavin, this is a guy, by the way, who has ten girlfriends, who I later confronted, and I go, come on. 0.99
00:02:24.000 Let's cut the shit. 0.99
00:02:25.000 You don't have ten girlfriends. 1.00
00:02:26.000 He goes, I never said I had ten girlfriends.
00:02:29.000 Maybe four.
00:02:31.000 That's pretty impressive, dude.
00:02:33.000 Four girlfriends, huh? 0.96
00:02:35.000 Any hizzle.
00:02:37.000 I turn around and they're playing Fortnite.
00:02:39.000 And I go, where'd you get the controller?
00:02:42.000 And Johnny, my five-year-old, goes, from the top!
00:02:45.000 I didn't fasten the top.
00:02:46.000 It wasn't secure.
00:02:48.000 The shelf builder who built our closet thought we were just storing clothes on there, and that was a perfectly reasonable thing to think, Mr. Carpenter, if you're out there listening.
00:03:02.000 I... The top just pops up.
00:03:04.000 It's just gravity holding that shelf there.
00:03:07.000 So these kids, for the past five days, have been sneaking in there, sneaking iPads.
00:03:14.000 And it was only today when Johnny got sloppy, and he had an iPad this morning, that I go, what the hell?
00:03:21.000 It's at the breakfast table and he's got an iPad?
00:03:23.000 And I go, what the hell's going on here?
00:03:24.000 I just grab it from him, and he's watching someone play a video game, as is a young man's want these days. 0.98
00:03:29.000 And my wife had been kind enough to go, get up super early, go out, probably because she likes being alone. 0.97
00:03:36.000 Again, all the nice American Indians are dead, so the ones that we're left with are pretty... they want to be alone. 1.00
00:03:43.000 They want to be left alone. 1.00
00:03:45.000 So she goes and she bought coffee and shit, and donuts for the kids. 0.98
00:03:48.000 So he's eating a beautiful Simpson-style chocolate donut with sprinkles on it, and I take it away, and he just goes, ahhh! 0.99
00:03:55.000 Scottish temper.
00:03:57.000 And he flips the donut upside down, so the sticky side now, the chocolate side's on the table, and just starts going,
00:04:04.000 Smashing his own donut, his own hopes and dreams, his own joy.
00:04:09.000 Smashing that!
00:04:11.000 Into the ground.
00:04:14.000 All right, uh, you win?
00:04:16.000 I gotta- I shouldn't be mocking him.
00:04:18.000 I do that all the time.
00:04:19.000 I punch holes in my own wall, my own door, and then I have to go and get a talented tradesman, because fixing a hole in the wall is very tricky. 0.99
00:04:27.000 I have to get a talented tradesman to fix the fucking hole. 0.92
00:04:33.000 Anyway, um, I noticed that, you know, there had been an abundance of, of stolen exhibit A's. 0.99
00:04:44.000 A lot of evidence from the evidence room, which I was under the impression was under lock and key.
00:04:50.000 They were just reaching in from the top.
00:04:52.000 So yes, I'm embarrassed that that didn't occur to me.
00:04:57.000 If it's any constellation of stars, I have now screwed in about ten screws so the top is solid and I was professional enough to screw them in from the bottom.
00:05:06.000 I got the right measurements so you don't see big screw heads when you look at the top shelf.
00:05:10.000 Alright?
00:05:11.000 So we're back on track.
00:05:12.000 Everything is fine.
00:05:13.000 Although, I don't know where my daughter's phone is right now. 0.99
00:05:18.000 What a goddamn mess. 0.99
00:05:22.000 By the way, speaking of riding fag on your nose, did I ever tell you about the time my brother, he got so shithammered, this is a very Canadian story, that he woke up in a park. 1.00
00:05:40.000 You know that when you're super blackout drunk and then at maybe like six, five or six, you just go, and all of a sudden, it's like time traveling. 0.98
00:05:50.000 Oh, that's a joke that, um, that, uh, what's her name?
00:05:50.000 All of a sudden.
00:05:54.000 Amy, Amy Schumer stole from, uh, the guy with the big schnoz who did after Dave Attell.
00:06:00.000 He said blackout, uh, drinking is like time traveling, but it really is.
00:06:03.000 You wake up.
00:06:04.000 Where am I?
00:06:08.000 And you're at some chick's house, you're on some dude's floor, often covered in pee as you get older.
00:06:16.000 I knew of these one guys who woke up and they were in a car.
00:06:23.000 They were driving on the highway.
00:06:25.000 Everyone in the car fell asleep.
00:06:27.000 The passenger, the people in the back, the driver then fell asleep.
00:06:31.000 And they went, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, off the highway.
00:06:35.000 Thank the Lord they weren't in a big city.
00:06:37.000 The story's kind of macabre as you get older.
00:06:39.000 I used to think the story was funny when I was a kid.
00:06:42.000 But, uh, the driver woke up.
00:06:48.000 And he was in a screensaver, basically, for your computer.
00:06:51.000 A beautiful, pastoral, nice, you know, finely mowed meadow with a mountain in the background. 0.96
00:06:59.000 And he went, what the fuck, and... drove over the grass, hearing, like, ting, tiddling, and parts falling off. 0.99
00:07:09.000 And then made it home. 0.99
00:07:11.000 Everyone's still asleep.
00:07:13.000 Eventually people like slowly wake up and go from the car into the house and crash the remaining three hours there.
00:07:20.000 Then they come out and they're in a great mood because they had a nice drive home and everything was fine.
00:07:25.000 And they have some breakfast, make some coffee, and then one of them goes outside and they runs back in and goes, Dude!
00:07:30.000 Someone vandalized your car last night! 0.98
00:07:34.000 And then everyone runs outside and they saw that these some silent vandals with, I guess, thick rubber bats had come in and beat his car to shit while they were sleeping. 0.98
00:07:49.000 Maybe quietly, sort of, you know, hitting it like a football player with his shoulders, but quietly.
00:07:57.000 And then the Lord, when you get blacked out, blackout drunk, he hands you Polaroids over the course of the day and he goes, this was you, sort of like the F-ending montage of Hangover 2 with the credits.
00:08:08.000 He just sort of hands you Polaroids and you go, wait a minute, I remember being in a screensaver.
00:08:15.000 Wait a minute.
00:08:17.000 Dudes, we weren't vandalized.
00:08:20.000 We are vandalized.
00:08:23.000 We vandalized ourselves.
00:08:25.000 We self-vandalized.
00:08:26.000 We almost died. 1.00
00:08:28.000 And then they go, holy shit, yes. 1.00
00:08:31.000 I wonder if they went back to the scene of the crime. 0.98
00:08:32.000 But anyway, so my brother wakes up at the park, and he runs over, and I think there was a homeless man that was maybe trying to diddle him or something?
00:08:44.000 I think he was asleep on a bench, and he woke up because a homeless man put his hand on his leg. 0.99
00:08:47.000 He was like, get the fuck off of me! 0.98
00:08:49.000 The guy was like, OK, buddy, relax, eh? 0.99
00:08:52.000 I didn't know you hated love.
00:08:55.000 Just trying to say hello.
00:08:57.000 It's not a crime to want to kiss a dude. 0.99
00:09:03.000 So he goes, holy shit, and he looks at his watch. 0.99
00:09:05.000 So I guess it wasn't six, it probably was like eight. 1.00
00:09:08.000 You know you're fucking wasted when you come to at eight or nine or even ten. 0.98
00:09:14.000 That's bad news. 0.98
00:09:16.000 So, uh, because that means the booze has been in ambient mode. 0.89
00:09:22.000 And believe me, ambient can make you say racist things about black people.
00:09:26.000 Uh, Ambien Mode, well into the 10s and 11s.
00:09:31.000 Wow, you drank a bottle. 1.00
00:09:34.000 So he wakes up and he goes, what the fuck? 1.00
00:09:37.000 And he starts running, his job was to run an internet cafe. 0.99
00:09:41.000 So let's say it's 9 o'clock and it was supposed to open at 8.
00:09:45.000 Maybe let's say 10.
00:09:46.000 It's 10 o'clock.
00:09:47.000 I'm getting worse at these stories as I get older.
00:09:49.000 And he's sprinting down Bank Street in Ottawa. 1.00
00:09:52.000 What the fuck? 1.00
00:09:53.000 I'm dead. 1.00
00:09:53.000 I'm dead. 1.00
00:09:54.000 I'm so fired.
00:09:54.000 I'm so fired.
00:09:55.000 I'm so fired.
00:09:56.000 And as he's running he gets there, expecting to have to open the steel gate, but the owner is there.
00:10:01.000 Hi!
00:10:02.000 Look!
00:10:18.000 I'm sorry I'm late.
00:10:19.000 I had to file a police report.
00:10:21.000 I was mugged on the way to work today.
00:10:23.000 I was in control.
00:10:25.000 I was awake early.
00:10:27.000 I had a shower.
00:10:28.000 Breakfast.
00:10:29.000 Delicious breakfast.
00:10:29.000 I had kind of an English breakfast.
00:10:31.000 I had fried tomatoes.
00:10:32.000 And I made it here on time. 0.99
00:10:34.000 And then one of these goddamn... I'll be honest. 0.99
00:10:37.000 It was a black. 1.00
00:10:39.000 One of these goddamn blacks... I'm just kidding, he didn't say that. 1.00
00:10:42.000 One of these goddamn homeless people mugged me, and he had a gun. 0.99
00:10:46.000 I don't know where he got a gun in Ottawa, but he had a gun. 1.00
00:10:48.000 I'm not... Word to... My hand to God!
00:10:51.000 I'm not lying to you.
00:10:53.000 And the owner of the store goes, I think you're lying to me.
00:10:56.000 And my brother goes, what?
00:10:58.000 Do you want me to get the police report?
00:11:00.000 You want me to bring the cop back in here?" 0.68
00:11:02.000 And his boss goes, you know, you don't have to do that.
00:11:05.000 I know you're lying. 0.96
00:11:06.000 And my brother goes, what the hell's the matter with you? 0.99
00:11:09.000 I could have been murdered. 0.99
00:11:11.000 I just nearly escaped death.
00:11:13.000 I've been dealing with the police, dealing with the law.
00:11:16.000 And your takeaway is that I'm a dishonest person?
00:11:20.000 And his boss goes, yes.
00:11:23.000 And then my brother's just shaking his head, and then his boss goes, maybe go to the bathroom, have a look in the mirror.
00:11:31.000 My brother goes to the mirror, and he realizes why people are dubious of his story.
00:11:39.000 The following is true of his face.
00:11:42.000 He has no eyebrows, none to speak of.
00:11:45.000 He has hand-drawn mascara eyebrows.
00:11:49.000 He has rosy red cheeks that are not done with blush or foundation or anything else.
00:11:55.000 Any other sort of rouging concealant.
00:11:57.000 He has cheeks that are done with lipstick.
00:12:00.000 He also has a beautiful bright red pair of bee-stung lips. 0.99
00:12:06.000 And across his forehead is a giant cock. 1.00
00:12:10.000 A sharpie penis. 1.00
00:12:12.000 It's well done. 1.00
00:12:13.000 You know, they had time.
00:12:15.000 They added veins. 0.98
00:12:17.000 I believe the penis was circumcised, if I recall correctly. 0.99
00:12:20.000 There may have been fluid drawn coming out of the penis, but it had turgid balls that were ready to go, somewhat her suit. 1.00
00:12:28.000 They had sporadic hairs coming out of the scrotal sac, not unlike an alien's head. 0.99
00:12:33.000 That was on his forehead, and he realized, alright, I guess you got me. 0.99
00:12:39.000 I'm fucking lying. 0.97
00:12:41.000 I clearly passed out. 0.99
00:12:44.000 How weird.
00:12:45.000 They didn't draw on him when he was at the park, so they must have drawn on him at the party and then he got up and they thought, uh-oh, this is, we're about to get beat up.
00:12:56.000 And then he must have left the party, maybe sensed that he was being drawn on, and then passed out on a bench on the way.
00:13:06.000 I remember when I was a young punker, we used to live with this band called The Trapped, with a T, and there was a Native American, but there are Canadians there, I don't know. 0.99
00:13:16.000 Let's just call them fucking Indians, please. 1.00
00:13:19.000 First Nations, actually. 1.00
00:13:22.000 An aboriginal Canadian man of the Native descents.
00:13:26.000 Les, Mazan was his name.
00:13:28.000 He was a tough guy.
00:13:30.000 I think he's a postman now.
00:13:32.000 But he passed out and me and my buddy Steve drew all over his face. 1.00
00:13:37.000 We covered 100% of his face with vaginas, bums, dinks. 1.00
00:13:42.000 I just saw these kids arrested for racist graffiti and they were doing swastikas and writing faggot and they were calling their African American person of color principal the n-word. 1.00
00:13:52.000 And that's very rude. 0.99
00:13:53.000 I'm not advocating that, obviously.
00:13:55.000 But if you're a young vandal, what are you supposed to write? 0.97
00:14:00.000 I hate all of my teachers. 1.00
00:14:03.000 The principal's an absolute jerk. 1.00
00:14:06.000 Those kind of people don't vandalize their school and smash windows. 1.00
00:14:11.000 If you're in the bathroom stall, you're not going to write farty bum bum. 1.00
00:14:15.000 You're going to draw a swastika and a penis. 1.00
00:14:17.000 That's what one does. 0.99
00:14:19.000 So we covered Les' face with all manner of epithets and aspersions towards the homosexual community. 0.99
00:14:27.000 We also drew a phallus and many vaginas. 1.00
00:14:32.000 It was really packed.
00:14:33.000 If you're familiar with a bande dessinée, it would be as dense as an Henriette Valium drawing.
00:14:40.000 And Les woke up, and we were asleep when he woke up.
00:14:45.000 And he, I woke up to him grabbing my, the cuff of like, not my cuffs, I had a t-shirt on, but like grabbing my t-shirt and pulling my face up to his face, and his face was bright red.
00:14:54.000 Even for a red skin, it was alarmingly red. 0.82
00:14:57.000 And that's because he'd been sitting there scrubbing Sharpie off his face with a washcloth, which really takes some gusto.
00:15:02.000 You basically have to take off the first two layers of skin to get that Sharpie off. 0.76
00:15:08.000 And he was real mad.
00:15:10.000 So he grabbed my ankle.
00:15:11.000 Very strong, big man.
00:15:12.000 He was like the Indian in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. 1.00
00:15:16.000 He grabbed the sort of, not my ankle, but like the cuff of my ankle.
00:15:20.000 So my jeans where my ankle was.
00:15:23.000 And then he just ran around the house.
00:15:25.000 He did the same to Steve, the other guy.
00:15:27.000 He might have even done both of us at the same time for a little bit, but I was solo at the beginning of this.
00:15:33.000 I was dragged behind a truck, basically.
00:15:35.000 Upstairs, downstairs, from room to room.
00:15:37.000 And when someone is running in and out of rooms, holding you by the ankle, you hit 100% of the furniture in the room.
00:15:44.000 You don't miss one corner of one table.
00:15:46.000 You don't miss one bedpost.
00:15:48.000 You get beat up by a house.
00:15:50.000 It's like, it's like furniture is sitting there going, is this the guy Les?
00:15:55.000 And Les is like, yep, that's the guy, eh?
00:15:58.000 That's the guy that drew a bunch of dinks on my face.
00:16:00.000 Can you guys take care of him?
00:16:02.000 And the furniture goes, no problem, buddy.
00:16:05.000 Just, we obviously can't move because we're, we're inanimate objects, but if you bring him to us, 1.00
00:16:10.000 We'll make sure that his entire body has black and blue penises and vaginas and swastikas and faggots all over it. 1.00
00:16:24.000 It was very painful, but as I was being carried around that room and beat by furniture, I couldn't help but think to myself, them's the brakes. 1.00
00:16:35.000 That's what happens when you vandalize.
00:16:37.000 Like the time I told you about when we were whipping snowballs at cars and jumping behind the bushes and then Brian Cook got caught and this East Indian gentleman said, what are you doing, buddy? 0.99
00:16:48.000 And he just fucking smacked him in the face. 0.98
00:16:51.000 That's the price we pay. 1.00
00:16:52.000 We knew that as vandals. 0.98
00:16:54.000 A lot of people, you see this like, these guys that rob stores and they get shot and then the relatives go, you didn't have to kill him, you should have just shot him in the knee. 0.73
00:17:02.000 No, you roll the dice on that roulette table.
00:17:05.000 This is why I hate this whole call the cops thing and suing people stuff.
00:17:10.000 That's the deal.
00:17:13.000 You know, if you destroy stuff, you get in trouble.
00:17:16.000 I remember one time, we had this crazy rule in high school.
00:17:19.000 You had to commit 13 acts of vandalism before you could go to a party.
00:17:23.000 So if Tammy Conkle's parents were away... You do that too, by the way?
00:17:27.000 You remember everyone's entire name?
00:17:29.000 Kevin Jessup, Darren Alberti.
00:17:32.000 Uh, if Tammy Conkle's parents were away, great, can't wait to go, but obviously we have to do 13 things.
00:17:37.000 Nothing drastic, no bricks through windows, just like people's lawn furniture into their pool, and if anyone has a nice lattice system where they're growing vines, that has to be stamped to the ground.
00:17:48.000 And they didn't have dogs in our little suburb, middle-class suburb of Kanata, Ontario, so if you, if the cops came and you hid behind a bush and you were patient, you'd probably be okay.
00:17:59.000 I remember one time getting caught by the cops for one of those, and I thought, we have been drinking.
00:18:05.000 We might get breathalyzed.
00:18:07.000 So as the cop was talking, I slowly reached down.
00:18:11.000 As I was answering his questions, I slowly reached down. 1.00
00:18:14.000 This is the kind of shit your 16-year-old brain tells you is reasonable. 0.99
00:18:18.000 I slowly reached down and grabbed two huge handfuls, one with each hand. 1.00
00:18:24.000 Of grass.
00:18:26.000 And then, as I was saying, I don't know what you're talking about, officer.
00:18:29.000 I slowly filled my mouth up with the grass, like a cow.
00:18:33.000 So all the grass is hanging out of my mouth.
00:18:35.000 I just started going... And chewing the grass while answering questions, assuming this sort of, I don't know, gastric acid would obfuscate the alcohol when the breathalyzer inevitably came along.
00:18:54.000 Didn't work.
00:18:55.000 We got taken in.
00:18:56.000 They called their parents.
00:18:57.000 My dad made me go to that guy's house and apologize.
00:18:59.000 We had to rebuild his lattice thing. 0.99
00:19:02.000 Which is a pain in the ass for the guy, too. 0.95
00:19:05.000 Like, I'm sure the vines took months to regrow. 0.99
00:19:09.000 He doesn't want a bunch of strange kids in his backyard. 0.99
00:19:12.000 It should have been, you have to rebuild my thing, and tend to it, and I get to punch you all in the face... Four times. 0.99
00:19:23.000 That seems like a reasonable punishment. 1.00
00:19:25.000 You know, my dad beat the shit out of a vandal. 0.99
00:19:27.000 It's still on his criminal record. 0.97
00:19:30.000 There were these kids running through backyards doing exactly what I just described, and my dad woke up, jumped out the window nude,
00:19:40.000 I think I wrote about this in my book. 0.99
00:19:43.000 And they all went, what the fuck? 1.00
00:19:46.000 No one is used to seeing an old man run at them with his pendulous penis. 1.00
00:19:49.000 And the McKinnesses are remarkably well endowed. 1.00
00:19:52.000 So it looks like a naked man and a snake is chasing you at the same time.
00:19:57.000 That's double the scary.
00:19:59.000 And they ran up the slide, the slide for our pool.
00:20:02.000 Yes, I'm middle class.
00:20:05.000 When you got to the top of the slide, you were right next to the fence to the neighbors.
00:20:07.000 The Reeds, they were called.
00:20:09.000 So most of them made it over. 1.00
00:20:10.000 He grabbed the last one, whipped him down, and just started fucking pounding him and pounding him and punching him in the face. 0.99
00:20:16.000 And he got charged for assault on a little boy. 1.00
00:20:19.000 First of all, you're 14.
00:20:20.000 You're not a little boy.
00:20:22.000 Sorry, George Soros.
00:20:23.000 When you're helping the Nazis, you were a man. 0.66
00:20:25.000 If you're 14, you're responsible for your own actions.
00:20:28.000 And secondly, that's, it's sort of like that game with the knife where you go, you know that... Ow!
00:20:40.000 Oh! 0.60
00:20:41.000 Ow! 1.00
00:20:42.000 You know that game? 0.95
00:20:44.000 When you stab yourself in the finger, we're done here.
00:20:46.000 It's actually like cutters. 0.92
00:20:48.000 You know those girls who cut themselves? 1.00
00:20:51.000 Perfect! 0.95
00:20:52.000 You're annoying. 0.73
00:20:53.000 You're self-obsessed. 0.99
00:20:55.000 I think you should be punished. 1.00
00:20:56.000 Oh, you just cut yourself. 0.99
00:20:57.000 Okay, we're good.
00:20:59.000 We're judge, jury, and executioner all in one case.
00:21:02.000 I don't need to intervene.
00:21:03.000 Young lady, thank you for your hard work.
00:21:08.000 So if a bunch of guys go out vandalizing and they get beaten up by a naked geriatric who looks like groundskeeper Wooly with AIDS, 0.99
00:21:17.000 Then that's the game. 0.88
00:21:19.000 Someone got a knife in the finger.
00:21:21.000 Done.
00:21:22.000 Settled.
00:21:23.000 We don't need to do anything else. 0.95
00:21:25.000 It's like my buddy Trevor when we were at a bar, plant bar, and it was our friend's bar, all these Irish immigrants, and one of them comes up to his girlfriend, Stacey, and he goes, what's your favorite sexual possession? 1.00
00:21:37.000 Hey.
00:21:39.000 And Trevor doesn't like that question, obviously.
00:21:42.000 So he grabs the guy... Casey was his name?
00:21:45.000 I forget his name.
00:21:47.000 I can remember names from grade school way better.
00:21:51.000 Finnegan Flanagan or something?
00:21:53.000 He grabs him, strangles him, and actually picks him up by his neck and then throws him down.
00:21:58.000 Not like picks him up dangling feet, we're all sitting in a booth, but like rises him from his sitting position with the neck and then shoves him back down.
00:22:05.000 The bouncers come over, kick out Trevor, Stacey leaves.
00:22:08.000 And then he wanted to fight me because I didn't leave with him.
00:22:11.000 But I thought, Casey's our friend, assuming that's his name.
00:22:16.000 We're in his bar, like his friend's bar.
00:22:18.000 This is our bar.
00:22:19.000 He said something inappropriate.
00:22:21.000 You strangled him.
00:22:23.000 You got kicked out.
00:22:24.000 I think we're all good here.
00:22:26.000 Like if someone just kicked you out for no reason, I'd run, I'd run by your side and hold your hand.
00:22:31.000 But this is, I didn't feel like I was being disloyal.
00:22:34.000 I felt like, yeah, well, you took a little far and you got kicked out.
00:22:39.000 Handled. 1.00
00:22:40.000 So much of this shit is just handled. 1.00
00:22:42.000 Don't you think? 1.00
00:22:43.000 No, I need to sue you.
00:22:48.000 We need to press charges.
00:22:50.000 That's a big thing at rallies.
00:22:52.000 Tommy Robinson's rally is today.
00:22:57.000 We're all gonna go to the British Embassy and yell, I had nothing to do with it.
00:23:00.000 So it could be a flop, and that will piss me off.
00:23:02.000 I hate when people set things up and don't do them well, and that's why I never like setting things up.
00:23:07.000 Because to make sure it's good, you can't just put out, like, a flyer.
00:23:12.000 You have to call the people.
00:23:13.000 Are you coming?
00:23:13.000 Are you sure you're coming?
00:23:14.000 Text everyone.
00:23:15.000 Whether it's a party, or a demonstration, or whatever it is, you have to spend some real time.
00:23:20.000 I remember seeing Bob Geldof.
00:23:21.000 I don't know how much money he raised for South Af- uh, sorry, for Africa with Live Aid.
00:23:27.000 It was either 7 million, 70 million, or 700 million.
00:23:29.000 Some sort of a 7, some sort of a million.
00:23:34.000 And I remember seeing an article about him in Rolling Stone.
00:23:36.000 He had all these papers everywhere, and he's on the phone all the time.
00:23:39.000 That's how you make it happen.
00:23:40.000 That's why, by the way, at any of my old companies, I always hated when they said, we should have a party.
00:23:44.000 We should organize a party.
00:23:46.000 No.
00:23:48.000 The pros are, people come to the party, have a kinda good time, it's gonna be way over budget by the way, and they go, yeah, that company's okay.
00:23:58.000 They're not gonna not be your client because you didn't have a party, but they will not be your client if your party's a total flop, and there's like a fat chick there, and two gay guys, and a nerd who is trying to talk to you about what can cause more damage than an axe or a sword if you were to attack someone. 0.61
00:24:17.000 That's a terrible party that's bad for your brand.
00:24:20.000 So the cons are a long Santa Claus list of everyone who's naughty and no one who's nice.
00:24:26.000 And the pros are maybe the client or the people or whatever will think you're a little bit cooler?
00:24:34.000 Maybe?
00:24:34.000 Not really?
00:24:36.000 No thank you. 0.99
00:24:39.000 So tomorrow's demonstration could be bad for Tommy if these guys fucked up. 0.99
00:24:43.000 Sorry, today's demonstration. 0.99
00:24:45.000 Yes.
00:24:47.000 Oh, I had to watch the time here.
00:24:48.000 It's actually 12 20 a.m.
00:24:50.000 I'm recording this.
00:24:55.000 But yeah. 0.99
00:24:59.000 I think one of the reasons my son is looking at me like I'm stupid... First of all, there's baseball. 0.97
00:25:03.000 So he's a baseball expert now, and I'm just... Sorry, I've got other things to do than learn a whole new language. 0.98
00:25:09.000 So I'll say things like... So are they going into overtime with this?
00:25:12.000 How many points do they have? 1.00
00:25:14.000 And then he'll give me this cocked eyebrow like, what the fuck did you just say? 0.99
00:25:18.000 Or I'll even say, um... What was it the other day? 0.99
00:25:22.000 So...
00:25:25.000 Did they just all have to get walked off because it was the end?
00:25:28.000 Was it a walked off?
00:25:30.000 Apparently it's a walk off.
00:25:32.000 And he looks at me like I just said, Are bears my friend?
00:25:37.000 Because I like polar bears and I want to ride one around the North Pole. 0.99
00:25:45.000 And I think it might be, maybe I've said this before, forgive me if I haven't, but he's hanging out with these kids who have nannies, and the nannies are fucking slaves. 1.00
00:25:55.000 I'm sorry, nannies are fucked up. 0.99
00:25:57.000 The whole concept is depraved, as Barbara Ehrenreich explained in the book Global Woman. 1.00
00:26:04.000 Best case scenario is an au pair.
00:26:06.000 She's a young French girl.
00:26:09.000 Ugly, so you're not attracted to her. 0.98
00:26:11.000 And she's here because she wants to explore America and she needs a place to live and she doesn't have any money and she'll cook and clean and drive you around. 0.98
00:26:20.000 Okay, I get that.
00:26:21.000 Kind of wish mom could have been around though.
00:26:23.000 That seems like mom would be better.
00:26:25.000 No, mom has a really successful job.
00:26:28.000 Oh, good.
00:26:29.000 Okay, so she's generating more money. 1.00
00:26:32.000 Yeah, she's making like 200 grand a year. 1.00
00:26:35.000 Okay, and she's making more money for what again? 1.00
00:26:37.000 So that they can have a good life.
00:26:39.000 Okay, and what's in a good life?
00:26:41.000 Oh, things you need, like a boat. 1.00
00:26:44.000 Okay, how about we forgo the stupid fucking boat, rent a boat when you need one for 50 bucks, and the kids get a mom. 1.00
00:26:53.000 No, but this one's an oncologist. 1.00
00:26:55.000 She's saving people's lives.
00:26:57.000 Yeah, that's pretty much the best argument you got, and I don't know.
00:27:01.000 How about she improves her own children's life rather than help some stranger beat cancer, which I'm starting to suspect is just a complete roll of the dice. 1.00
00:27:11.000 If you don't get it, nip it right in the butt. 0.98
00:27:14.000 Any hizzle. 0.99
00:27:16.000 But for the most part, it's these third world nannies. 1.00
00:27:19.000 And they're like, OK, you want to stay here?
00:27:21.000 He wants to stay here.
00:27:22.000 Can you drive Mr. Sean home?
00:27:25.000 Maybe?
00:27:26.000 Can you drive?
00:27:27.000 Yeah, I guess.
00:27:28.000 Um, I hate to be rude, but how long have you been here in America?
00:27:32.000 Oh, party pie beer.
00:27:35.000 Party pie beer, huh?
00:27:36.000 Hmm.
00:27:38.000 If I lived in Guatemala for purty pie beers, I would be the president of Guatemala and I'd be a poet who taught Guatemalan, not Spanish, to immigrants. 0.97
00:27:53.000 Any hizzle.
00:27:54.000 Sorry, I just said any hizzle twice. 0.98
00:27:55.000 That fucking really annoyed me. 0.97
00:27:59.000 I'll go get you an empanada and I'll come back. 0.99
00:28:01.000 Maybe Mr. Gavin drive you home.
00:28:04.000 Yeah, whatever.
00:28:05.000 But what's scary about that is these third world nannies, they come here and they fall in love with your children. 1.00
00:28:12.000 Because they're not with their children.
00:28:15.000 And I think they fall out of love with their own children. 0.93
00:28:18.000 Sorry to be so fucking dark on a chirpy little podcast, but I think it's, it's macabre what we're doing. 0.97
00:28:25.000 It's, it's goth. 0.97
00:28:27.000 We're importing love from the third world. 0.83
00:28:31.000 And these children back in Guatemala or the Philippines or even Mexico.
00:28:37.000 I mean all of Central America, parts of South America, Brazil.
00:28:41.000 There's lots of nannies up here. 1.00
00:28:44.000 Mostly au pairs I guess.
00:28:45.000 Without children.
00:28:46.000 Poland.
00:28:48.000 All these third world babies without mommies. 1.00
00:28:52.000 Yes, but she's making tons of money. 1.00
00:28:54.000 I mean, she's making basically six months salary every month. 1.00
00:29:00.000 Okay, congratulations.
00:29:01.000 And what does this translate to?
00:29:03.000 Oh, the kids at home have a PS4.
00:29:05.000 They got brand new Nike Air Jordans, skateboards.
00:29:08.000 Yeah, but no one else does.
00:29:10.000 All the kids without nannies. 0.99
00:29:11.000 And kids don't give a shit about any of that. 0.99
00:29:13.000 Kids don't even care about shoes. 0.99
00:29:15.000 They get thicker skin on the bottom of their feet.
00:29:18.000 When I was a kid in the 70s, you often would just go outside without your shoes.
00:29:22.000 By the time summer was done, the bottom of our feet were shoes.
00:29:25.000 We would stop our bikes because our brakes would... brakes would break.
00:29:29.000 B-R-A-K-E would B-R-E-A-K. 0.93
00:29:32.000 And we didn't care because you just slide with your leather feet that you had made over the course of the summer.
00:29:38.000 Surfers in Costa Rica, in my little surfer town where I used to live, none of those guys would wear shoes and they'd be walking on rocks and gravel roads.
00:29:45.000 You figure it out.
00:29:47.000 Kids want a mom. 1.00
00:29:48.000 They don't want accoutrements.
00:29:54.000 And... 1.00
00:29:56.000 The kids are turning into assholes because they're talking to a slave all day. 1.00
00:30:00.000 So there's no such thing as discipline. 1.00
00:30:02.000 They just go, yeah, Maria, I'm going to need an empanada, like now.
00:30:08.000 Or I'm going to tell my dad.
00:30:10.000 No problem, Mr. Baby Boy.
00:30:12.000 I'll help you right away.
00:30:14.000 I don't want to get fired.
00:30:16.000 Yeah, you don't.
00:30:18.000 And I'm kind of curious why I'm playing Fortnite and my hand looks like this.
00:30:24.000 And he holds out his hand in a sort of a C-shape.
00:30:27.000 I'm sorry, Mr. Derin.
00:30:30.000 I don't understand.
00:30:32.000 I don't have a Dr. Pepper in my hand.
00:30:36.000 So let's rectify that ASAP, okay?
00:30:39.000 Yes, yes, I get you, Dr. Pepper.
00:30:41.000 Yes, please.
00:30:42.000 Yes, yes.
00:30:44.000 It's indentured servitude, really.
00:30:46.000 And, uh, it's making my son look at me weird. 1.00
00:30:52.000 So, I got my nine-year-old thinks I'm a loser, a dick, a jerk. 1.00
00:30:59.000 My daughter, she's eleven. 1.00
00:31:00.000 She's drifting away, too.
00:31:03.000 Although, I gotta say, that thing I talked about before, the allotted time.
00:31:07.000 With my son, I'll say, alright, we're going to school together.
00:31:09.000 I don't care if we walk, take a bike, whatever.
00:31:11.000 We're spending time.
00:31:12.000 Sometimes that's just silence.
00:31:14.000 For the whole way there.
00:31:15.000 That's fine.
00:31:16.000 I'll take it.
00:31:17.000 And then sometimes it's like, did you know who the tallest baseball player in the world was?
00:31:22.000 Um, and then with the girl, silence, silence at the dinner table.
00:31:26.000 I've already said this on the show before, but it's still true, so it's worth updating.
00:31:30.000 Hey sweetie, let's, uh, take your dog for a walk. 1.00
00:31:33.000 Just walking down the street, walk around the block.
00:31:35.000 Verbal diarrhea.
00:31:36.000 Blah-ba-dee-blah-blah-blah, talking about school, all kinds of stuff. 0.97
00:31:40.000 You have to get them alone as a parent.
00:31:44.000 If you suggest to a five-year-old, let's go for a walk.
00:31:44.000 They don't want to go.
00:31:48.000 It's like saying, do you want to audit our neighbors and check their taxes over the past three years?
00:31:54.000 But then once they start cooking, they can't get enough.
00:32:00.000 And I think this is a difficult thing to quantify, and Lauren Southern has actually been pretty wise about that for a post-pubescent kid.
00:32:10.000 Sorry, Lauren.
00:32:12.000 A lot of people say they're less happy since they had kids.
00:32:16.000 And the trick there is the scope, the spectrum of happiness has expanded.
00:32:25.000 So when you hear your friends with kids complain, and right now you're listening to me going, I don't want some guy giving me the stink eye. 1.00
00:32:32.000 What, you raise a kid and he looks at you like you're stupid? 1.00
00:32:34.000 Fuck that, man. 1.00
00:32:35.000 I'd rather just play my own Fortnite at home for six hours, even though I'm 36 years old. 1.00
00:32:40.000 Well, that's actually the average age of a video game player, so you're good.
00:32:47.000 I'm like a master pianist, and I'm frustrated that I can't do Bach's Concerto Blindfolded.
00:32:58.000 So I am technically frustrated, yes, but I have this incredible vocabulary.
00:33:05.000 Thank you.
00:33:22.000 But it's because we've tasted such incredible joy that we're constantly frustrated all the time, that we can't be better, that we're not making our sons go-karts, we're not making our girls dollhouses with a little bathroom and a bath in it.
00:33:35.000 We could do better.
00:33:37.000 But compared to being childless?
00:33:41.000 You know, being single and saying you're happy.
00:33:44.000 I'm not talking to 21 year olds or anyone young.
00:33:47.000 Of course you're having fun.
00:33:48.000 I'm not saying you should all be married and breeding.
00:33:52.000 I'm talking about those older childless ones who hear us complaining and saying, my son looks at me weird.
00:33:57.000 And other people go, I don't know why you had a kid.
00:33:59.000 Oh, I don't know, because tonight I watched my son steal four bases.
00:34:06.000 At once.
00:34:07.000 He had an okay hit at first.
00:34:09.000 They fucked up the catch at first.
00:34:11.000 He was confident they would screw up the throw to second.
00:34:15.000 And they did.
00:34:17.000 He got to third.
00:34:20.000 And they caught the ball.
00:34:23.000 But he's already at third.
00:34:24.000 But then the guy that he'd just driven home was headed home.
00:34:28.000 So the third baseman threw the ball to home.
00:34:30.000 I think that missed.
00:34:32.000 I'm screwing up the story here.
00:34:33.000 You see, I don't know baseball that well.
00:34:36.000 But he managed to not only get that guy home by forcing him, but also he got home.
00:34:41.000 Boom, boom.
00:34:43.000 He pushed up the game two points and they got closer to the Stanley Cup of baseball where you win a giant gold baseball that's being held by a human hand of someone who was on death row and he donated his hand and what they do is they dip the hand in gold
00:34:59.000 They stick a baseball in it, then they dip the whole thing again in gold, then they spray it with polyurethane, and they cauterize the wounds, and then they stick a long spike in the bottom of that that they plop into a pedestal that says, Stanley Cup of Baseball.
00:35:14.000 And that's how you win the National Major League Baseball Championships of the World Series today.
00:35:26.000 That's it, folks.
00:35:26.000 We're out of time.
00:35:28.000 Get off my lawn, Monday to Thursday, Monday to Tuesday, depending on the week.
00:35:32.000 Next week on CRTV Tonight, we'll have Lauren Southernaut, the lovely Lauren, and she'll be talking about her new documentary about South Africa, which is hair-whiteningly shocking and shows the massive disconnect we have these days with the narrative.
00:35:49.000 The way we're all taught things, the way we all understand things, and the actual truth.
00:35:53.000 This is true of America. 0.83
00:35:55.000 Oh, we killed the Indians, stole their land, and then had slaves build it up. 1.00
00:35:59.000 No, that's not what happened. 0.99
00:36:00.000 With South Africa, oh, the white people went there, stole the land, and now some black people said, I want it back. 0.98
00:36:06.000 Nope, that's not even close to the truth. 0.98
00:36:08.000 And...
00:36:09.000 The re-appropriation is much more horrific than you could ever imagine.
00:36:14.000 Don't even Google image it, please.
00:36:16.000 You'll regret it.
00:36:16.000 It's like abortion.
00:36:17.000 I always say to these pro-choice people, just keep with your myth.
00:36:21.000 Don't Google image what you believe in.
00:36:23.000 And what's really important is that
00:36:28.000 I encourage you to put a ring on it when you're in your late 20s and have some of these kids because I know I tell a lot of negative stories like locking their iPads and getting a stink eye but that is everything that's important to me and I actually love the whole process.
00:36:47.000 I love the pain, the suffering.
00:36:49.000 I love being the bad guy.
00:36:51.000 I love seeing them develop.
00:36:52.000 I love seeing them
00:36:54.000 I even like it when they're mad at me.
00:36:56.000 It's like they're growing.
00:36:58.000 And that's uh... It's a fun thing to watch and I don't want it to end.
00:37:03.000 I wish I could just sort of Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe this phase with my kids.
00:37:08.000 And just have them be this way forever.
00:37:09.000 Oh my god, I almost cried. 0.73
00:37:11.000 That means I'm gay. 0.99
00:37:12.000 Time to hang up. 0.99