This episode is all about being a dad and dealing with the things that come with being a parent. I talk about how to deal with a kid with a "fag" on their nose, and how to handle a kid who has 10 girlfriends. I also talk about the time my kid ate a donut upside down, and he flips it upside down on the table, and it turns out he's got his own donut on it too! Also, I explain why it's a good thing I'm not a tradesman, because fixing a hole in the wall is a hard thing to do, because you have to be a talented tradesman to fix your own hole in your own wall. And I also explain why you should never be mad at your kids for stealing an iPad, because it's not your fault that your kids are playing Fortnite, it's your kids' fault that they're playing a video game that you don't want them to play it, and that you're a bad dad because you're letting them do it. Enjoy, and Happy Father's Day! -Jon Sorrentino Enjoy and Retweet, Timestamps: 1:00:00 - What's the worst thing a dad has ever said to his kid? 4:30 - How a kid has a fag on his nose? 6:00 What's your biggest pet peeve? 7:30 8:40 - How do you deal with it? 9:15 - What are you going to do with your kids? 11: What do you do when you don t like someone else's donut? 14:00? 15:00- What s your favorite food? 16:15 17:20 - How much do you like your kids like being left alone? 18:40 19:20 21:30- What do they like to be left alone in the morning? 22:15- What is your favorite thing to eat? 27:40- What are they like? 26:20- Do you like being a good night out? 28:00 + 27: What are your favorite meal? 29:00 | What s the worst food you ve ever had? 30:00 / 32:30 | Do you have your own dreams? 35:00 // 33:00 & 35:30 // 35:10
Transcript
Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. You can also explore and interact with the transcripts here.
00:00:00.000My son often looks at me like I got something on my face.
00:02:07.000And then today, I was- I stayed at home.
00:02:10.000And, uh, I'm working at my little home office, and I turn around and my son and his friend, also named Gavin, this is a guy, by the way, who has ten girlfriends, who I later confronted, and I go, come on.
00:02:48.000The shelf builder who built our closet thought we were just storing clothes on there, and that was a perfectly reasonable thing to think, Mr. Carpenter, if you're out there listening.
00:04:19.000I punch holes in my own wall, my own door, and then I have to go and get a talented tradesman, because fixing a hole in the wall is very tricky.
00:04:27.000I have to get a talented tradesman to fix the fucking hole.
00:04:33.000Anyway, um, I noticed that, you know, there had been an abundance of, of stolen exhibit A's.
00:04:44.000A lot of evidence from the evidence room, which I was under the impression was under lock and key.
00:04:50.000They were just reaching in from the top.
00:04:52.000So yes, I'm embarrassed that that didn't occur to me.
00:04:57.000If it's any constellation of stars, I have now screwed in about ten screws so the top is solid and I was professional enough to screw them in from the bottom.
00:05:06.000I got the right measurements so you don't see big screw heads when you look at the top shelf.
00:05:22.000By the way, speaking of riding fag on your nose, did I ever tell you about the time my brother, he got so shithammered, this is a very Canadian story, that he woke up in a park.
00:05:40.000You know that when you're super blackout drunk and then at maybe like six, five or six, you just go, and all of a sudden, it's like time traveling.
00:05:50.000Oh, that's a joke that, um, that, uh, what's her name?
00:07:13.000Eventually people like slowly wake up and go from the car into the house and crash the remaining three hours there.
00:07:20.000Then they come out and they're in a great mood because they had a nice drive home and everything was fine.
00:07:25.000And they have some breakfast, make some coffee, and then one of them goes outside and they runs back in and goes, Dude!
00:07:30.000Someone vandalized your car last night!
00:07:34.000And then everyone runs outside and they saw that these some silent vandals with, I guess, thick rubber bats had come in and beat his car to shit while they were sleeping.
00:07:49.000Maybe quietly, sort of, you know, hitting it like a football player with his shoulders, but quietly.
00:07:57.000And then the Lord, when you get blacked out, blackout drunk, he hands you Polaroids over the course of the day and he goes, this was you, sort of like the F-ending montage of Hangover 2 with the credits.
00:08:08.000He just sort of hands you Polaroids and you go, wait a minute, I remember being in a screensaver.
00:08:31.000I wonder if they went back to the scene of the crime.
00:08:32.000But anyway, so my brother wakes up at the park, and he runs over, and I think there was a homeless man that was maybe trying to diddle him or something?
00:08:44.000I think he was asleep on a bench, and he woke up because a homeless man put his hand on his leg.
00:12:45.000They didn't draw on him when he was at the park, so they must have drawn on him at the party and then he got up and they thought, uh-oh, this is, we're about to get beat up.
00:12:56.000And then he must have left the party, maybe sensed that he was being drawn on, and then passed out on a bench on the way.
00:13:06.000I remember when I was a young punker, we used to live with this band called The Trapped, with a T, and there was a Native American, but there are Canadians there, I don't know.
00:13:16.000Let's just call them fucking Indians, please.
00:13:32.000But he passed out and me and my buddy Steve drew all over his face.
00:13:37.000We covered 100% of his face with vaginas, bums, dinks.
00:13:42.000I just saw these kids arrested for racist graffiti and they were doing swastikas and writing faggot and they were calling their African American person of color principal the n-word.
00:14:40.000And Les woke up, and we were asleep when he woke up.
00:14:45.000And he, I woke up to him grabbing my, the cuff of like, not my cuffs, I had a t-shirt on, but like grabbing my t-shirt and pulling my face up to his face, and his face was bright red.
00:14:54.000Even for a red skin, it was alarmingly red.
00:14:57.000And that's because he'd been sitting there scrubbing Sharpie off his face with a washcloth, which really takes some gusto.
00:15:02.000You basically have to take off the first two layers of skin to get that Sharpie off.
00:16:02.000And the furniture goes, no problem, buddy.
00:16:05.000Just, we obviously can't move because we're, we're inanimate objects, but if you bring him to us,
00:16:10.000We'll make sure that his entire body has black and blue penises and vaginas and swastikas and faggots all over it.
00:16:24.000It was very painful, but as I was being carried around that room and beat by furniture, I couldn't help but think to myself, them's the brakes.
00:16:35.000That's what happens when you vandalize.
00:16:37.000Like the time I told you about when we were whipping snowballs at cars and jumping behind the bushes and then Brian Cook got caught and this East Indian gentleman said, what are you doing, buddy?
00:16:48.000And he just fucking smacked him in the face.
00:16:54.000A lot of people, you see this like, these guys that rob stores and they get shot and then the relatives go, you didn't have to kill him, you should have just shot him in the knee.
00:17:02.000No, you roll the dice on that roulette table.
00:17:05.000This is why I hate this whole call the cops thing and suing people stuff.
00:17:32.000Uh, if Tammy Conkle's parents were away, great, can't wait to go, but obviously we have to do 13 things.
00:17:37.000Nothing drastic, no bricks through windows, just like people's lawn furniture into their pool, and if anyone has a nice lattice system where they're growing vines, that has to be stamped to the ground.
00:17:48.000And they didn't have dogs in our little suburb, middle-class suburb of Kanata, Ontario, so if you, if the cops came and you hid behind a bush and you were patient, you'd probably be okay.
00:17:59.000I remember one time getting caught by the cops for one of those, and I thought, we have been drinking.
00:18:26.000And then, as I was saying, I don't know what you're talking about, officer.
00:18:29.000I slowly filled my mouth up with the grass, like a cow.
00:18:33.000So all the grass is hanging out of my mouth.
00:18:35.000I just started going... And chewing the grass while answering questions, assuming this sort of, I don't know, gastric acid would obfuscate the alcohol when the breathalyzer inevitably came along.
00:21:25.000It's like my buddy Trevor when we were at a bar, plant bar, and it was our friend's bar, all these Irish immigrants, and one of them comes up to his girlfriend, Stacey, and he goes, what's your favorite sexual possession?
00:21:53.000He grabs him, strangles him, and actually picks him up by his neck and then throws him down.
00:21:58.000Not like picks him up dangling feet, we're all sitting in a booth, but like rises him from his sitting position with the neck and then shoves him back down.
00:22:05.000The bouncers come over, kick out Trevor, Stacey leaves.
00:22:08.000And then he wanted to fight me because I didn't leave with him.
00:22:11.000But I thought, Casey's our friend, assuming that's his name.
00:22:16.000We're in his bar, like his friend's bar.
00:23:48.000The pros are, people come to the party, have a kinda good time, it's gonna be way over budget by the way, and they go, yeah, that company's okay.
00:23:58.000They're not gonna not be your client because you didn't have a party, but they will not be your client if your party's a total flop, and there's like a fat chick there, and two gay guys, and a nerd who is trying to talk to you about what can cause more damage than an axe or a sword if you were to attack someone.
00:24:17.000That's a terrible party that's bad for your brand.
00:24:20.000So the cons are a long Santa Claus list of everyone who's naughty and no one who's nice.
00:24:26.000And the pros are maybe the client or the people or whatever will think you're a little bit cooler?
00:25:32.000And he looks at me like I just said, Are bears my friend?
00:25:37.000Because I like polar bears and I want to ride one around the North Pole.
00:25:45.000And I think it might be, maybe I've said this before, forgive me if I haven't, but he's hanging out with these kids who have nannies, and the nannies are fucking slaves.
00:26:11.000And she's here because she wants to explore America and she needs a place to live and she doesn't have any money and she'll cook and clean and drive you around.
00:26:57.000Yeah, that's pretty much the best argument you got, and I don't know.
00:27:01.000How about she improves her own children's life rather than help some stranger beat cancer, which I'm starting to suspect is just a complete roll of the dice.
00:27:11.000If you don't get it, nip it right in the butt.
00:27:38.000If I lived in Guatemala for purty pie beers, I would be the president of Guatemala and I'd be a poet who taught Guatemalan, not Spanish, to immigrants.
00:29:32.000And we didn't care because you just slide with your leather feet that you had made over the course of the summer.
00:29:38.000Surfers in Costa Rica, in my little surfer town where I used to live, none of those guys would wear shoes and they'd be walking on rocks and gravel roads.
00:32:12.000A lot of people say they're less happy since they had kids.
00:32:16.000And the trick there is the scope, the spectrum of happiness has expanded.
00:32:25.000So when you hear your friends with kids complain, and right now you're listening to me going, I don't want some guy giving me the stink eye.
00:32:32.000What, you raise a kid and he looks at you like you're stupid?
00:33:22.000But it's because we've tasted such incredible joy that we're constantly frustrated all the time, that we can't be better, that we're not making our sons go-karts, we're not making our girls dollhouses with a little bathroom and a bath in it.
00:34:43.000He pushed up the game two points and they got closer to the Stanley Cup of baseball where you win a giant gold baseball that's being held by a human hand of someone who was on death row and he donated his hand and what they do is they dip the hand in gold
00:34:59.000They stick a baseball in it, then they dip the whole thing again in gold, then they spray it with polyurethane, and they cauterize the wounds, and then they stick a long spike in the bottom of that that they plop into a pedestal that says, Stanley Cup of Baseball.
00:35:14.000And that's how you win the National Major League Baseball Championships of the World Series today.
00:35:28.000Get off my lawn, Monday to Thursday, Monday to Tuesday, depending on the week.
00:35:32.000Next week on CRTV Tonight, we'll have Lauren Southernaut, the lovely Lauren, and she'll be talking about her new documentary about South Africa, which is hair-whiteningly shocking and shows the massive disconnect we have these days with the narrative.
00:35:49.000The way we're all taught things, the way we all understand things, and the actual truth.
00:36:28.000I encourage you to put a ring on it when you're in your late 20s and have some of these kids because I know I tell a lot of negative stories like locking their iPads and getting a stink eye but that is everything that's important to me and I actually love the whole process.