Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - June 05, 2018


Get Off My Lawn #55 | Everyone's almost died right?


Episode Stats

Length

40 minutes

Words per Minute

177.66298

Word Count

7,222

Sentence Count

541

Misogynist Sentences

14

Hate Speech Sentences

27


Summary

This episode is about dumb people in the military and how dumb they are, and why dumb people are dumb, and what it means to be dumb. I m not a smart snob, I m dumb about most stuff, so I don t see dumb as an insult. I think dumb is just a genetic trait, like having long fingers or something. It s not like everyone has to be smart, it s just that you can be fat and dumb and still be smart. And that s a good thing, because stupid is a trait that can be passed down from generation to generation, and it s a bad thing if you re dumb enough to do dumb things with your brain. I m stupid. I know I know, I know. I'm dumb. But it s not a bad trait, and I think it s pretty cool that dumb people do dumb stuff with their brain. And it s cool that they can be dumb and be dumb, because they re smart enough to know they re dumb, but dumb enough not to know that they re stupid enough to not be dumb about dumb things. And dumb enough that they don t get it? and dumb that s dumb, you re not dumb. And dumb that doesn t have it figured it out. and that s cool, you know what else? And we re dumb? and we don t have to be stupid because we ve got it all figured out? or we re smart, we re not stupid. or dumb because we re stupid, right? We re smart because we got it right, and we can get it all right, we get it right. We got it, we can do it right? We re dumb and we re right, right?! we re just not dumb, we are not dumb enough, right?? We are not stupid, we know that we are smart enough, we have it? We are smart, but we can be smart enough? We can do this, we're not stupid enough, okay? We're not dumb? We don t need it yet? we are dumb enough? ? we can have it, right ? We re not lost, we don't have it yet, we ll get it, OK? We lllllllll? so we re getting there, we will get there, right ? let s get there. we ll be smart soon, we'll get there


Transcript

00:00:00.000 Everyone's almost died, right?
00:00:03.000 You know, you've had that time when, uh...
00:00:06.000 You almost drowned or something?
00:00:09.000 Or you're, God, I think of being a teenager and there were so many times that we were, you know, on some ledge on the top of a building going, woo!
00:00:18.000 And then you realize you were falling and some guy named Andy grabbed you and you guys both went, oh!
00:00:23.000 But it was never like, oh my God, I almost died.
00:00:27.000 Thanks, Andy.
00:00:29.000 It was always like, oh, dude!
00:00:33.000 You almost died!
00:00:35.000 That's not the proper reaction to almost dying.
00:00:38.000 When we get your chemo, and we remove your left breast, and the doctor says, oh, the cancer's gone.
00:00:48.000 For now.
00:00:49.000 The doctor doesn't go, oh, dude, you're lucky I cut your tit off.
00:00:55.000 You almost died, dude.
00:00:59.000 You had stage four, but it was all in your tit.
00:01:02.000 Oh, man.
00:01:05.000 You're lucky I got that scalpel out of the 11th hour, lady.
00:01:10.000 That would be really funny if there was a doctor who was like that.
00:01:14.000 I've heard of guys in the military like that that are so dumb.
00:01:19.000 And remember, when I say dumb, I'm not a smart snob.
00:01:22.000 I'm dumb.
00:01:24.000 About most stuff.
00:01:26.000 So, I don't see dumb as an insult, really.
00:01:29.000 But I met these guys who are from Tennessee, and they were so dumb.
00:01:34.000 And they were introduced to me, by the way, by another military guy who was down there with them.
00:01:38.000 And he hung out with them.
00:01:40.000 See, that's the thing about a lot of dumb guys.
00:01:42.000 It's not like we don't hang out with dumb people.
00:01:44.000 That's why I hate the word as an insult all the time.
00:01:47.000 You'll notice that with lefties on Twitter, too.
00:01:49.000 It's always like, oh my God, this guy's so stupid!
00:01:51.000 You're an idiot!
00:01:54.000 Like, you can't be fat, but you can bandy stupid around?
00:01:59.000 I don't know.
00:02:00.000 I don't like that.
00:02:02.000 Actually, fat is mostly your fault.
00:02:05.000 Stupid is just a genetic trait.
00:02:06.000 And I've heard this said of the bell curve that Richard Herrnstein and Charles Murray didn't really write it to shock everyone and bring up race and make everyone poop their pants.
00:02:18.000 At least in Hearnstein's case, I'm not sure I'm saying his name right, Hearnstein.
00:02:22.000 His dad was a mechanic or something, he was a blue-collar guy, and he wanted to get back to his dad's mentality, which is smart.
00:02:30.000 What, you pencil in that geek?
00:02:31.000 Like, smart was just a trait.
00:02:33.000 It's like having long fingers or something.
00:02:35.000 It's not like everyone has to be smart.
00:02:37.000 Not everyone has to go to college, that's such a gay rule.
00:02:41.000 It's like saying everyone has to ollie.
00:02:44.000 You know the skateboard trick?
00:02:45.000 You don't have to ollie.
00:02:47.000 It's a weird, hard thing to do that sort of defies physics.
00:02:50.000 If you're really good at skateboarding, by all means, go bananas, get sponsored, fucking catch some air, grind those trucks, fucking totally let out all the aggression, man.
00:03:06.000 What is that, Suicidal Tendencies song?
00:03:10.000 He's not Mexican by the way, Mike Moyer.
00:03:11.000 He's just like me, I think he's Irish.
00:03:26.000 Yeah, they wanted to get back to just stupid.
00:03:28.000 Like, a lot of blue-collar dudes in Brooklyn I know are like that.
00:03:32.000 You know, where you say, hey, uh, so what's going on here with your air conditioning?
00:03:38.000 Is it cheaper for you to do central air or just have units in individual rooms?
00:03:43.000 I don't fucking know.
00:03:45.000 Ask my wife.
00:03:46.000 I'm stupid.
00:03:46.000 I don't handle that stuff.
00:03:48.000 She handles all that fucking electricity shit.
00:03:51.000 What's better?
00:03:53.000 I think that's a very healthy way to be.
00:03:55.000 Any-who!
00:03:57.000 That's, that's sort of... The any-whos are the little sort of grappling hooks we use to get back to the original point.
00:04:03.000 It's sort of like you see those hooks that they would use on the docks during the Industrial Revolution.
00:04:08.000 So, it's, it sort of goes in between your finger, it's got like a long cylindrical thing that you wrap your fingers around and then there's a long hook that comes out in between two fingers and you hook that back on to the original point.
00:04:18.000 And the original point is...
00:04:22.000 Not lost despite, I think four beers now?
00:04:28.000 The original point is that these dudes who were, these Tennessee dudes, these military guys who were in Somalia, they were so dumb, and now we're cool with dumb, that they didn't have PTSD.
00:04:41.000 And they were just like, God damn it, it was fucking crazy, y'all.
00:04:45.000 We go down there, we're in Somalia.
00:04:47.000 I forget what the name of it, Mogadishu or some shit.
00:04:50.000 These guys were shooting at us.
00:04:53.000 Fucking trying to kill us.
00:04:54.000 And we're in a tank, right, so we're safe for the most part.
00:04:57.000 Then we finally get our PJs, boom, boom.
00:05:00.000 So we just aimed our shit at them, shot at them, killed a bunch of guys, got the fuck out of there.
00:05:05.000 We had to go back the next day, of course.
00:05:07.000 That was intense.
00:05:11.000 And for them it was just like a crazy video game.
00:05:16.000 They were the perfect soldiers in that sense.
00:05:22.000 But yeah, I've almost died a few times.
00:05:25.000 I feel like you have too though, right?
00:05:27.000 Like car accidents.
00:05:28.000 Can you believe young people would play chicken?
00:05:32.000 What the fuck is that game?
00:05:35.000 We see how it looks okay in movies, right?
00:05:37.000 Because it's like it translates well to cinema because it's
00:05:46.000 It's perfect for movies and comic books.
00:05:49.000 Back and forth, back and forth.
00:05:50.000 Perspective, perspective, perspective.
00:05:52.000 POV, POV, POV.
00:05:55.000 But in real life?
00:05:57.000 I don't understand.
00:05:57.000 We're either going to die, or one of us is going to drive into a ditch and also maybe die.
00:06:04.000 I think we may have done that as kids.
00:06:06.000 I'm sort of reluctant to even admit it to myself, because I don't want to know.
00:06:11.000 I think I've blocked it out.
00:06:13.000 I've blocked out a lot of things we used to do.
00:06:15.000 I remember in tree planting days, we'd be driving through the cutover on these piece of shit trucks, and I would stand on the hood of the truck, and we must have been going like 50 miles an hour, and I would just sort of surf, standing on the hood of the truck, and going, going, Danger Bay!
00:06:30.000 Danger Bay!
00:06:31.000 I think that was a TV show on at the time.
00:06:35.000 Oh my god, I just remembered one.
00:06:37.000 We were in Costa Rica and the area I was in was called Montezuma, Costa Rica.
00:06:44.000 I had a house there for many years.
00:06:46.000 And the nickname of the town was Montefuma, Coco Rica.
00:06:50.000 Because there was lots of drugs.
00:06:52.000 And it was perfectly normal to do coke all night and smoke a bunch of pot.
00:06:58.000 One time we got so baked that I was sitting there and it was just one of the guys the guy the surfer dude Jason who I got out of jail that's another whole shitstorm of a story but um he I think I've done it as a podcast before yeah yeah there is a Costa Rica podcast I'm sure of it
00:07:19.000 So he left us this house he was staying in.
00:07:21.000 Because he was so good at taking care of rich people's property, they'd often leave him their property to stay in.
00:07:25.000 So one time we were down there, and I can't remember why we didn't want to stay in our own place, probably because... Actually, I have no fucking idea.
00:07:31.000 Maybe they had internet and TV and that was rare, um, at the time.
00:07:35.000 But we stayed at this awesome house.
00:07:36.000 It had a pool in it and everything and I was sitting there just doing rails and then fucking Smoking and that kind of those levels of pot.
00:07:46.000 It's you couldn't do it anymore.
00:07:47.000 It was too strong This is early 2000s when pot was especially in Costa Rica was still of this earth But you would smoke and smoke and smoke until you were just like a vegetable You can so talk
00:07:59.000 But it was kind of like heroin.
00:08:01.000 I think you can... This is why I told the kids today not to do heroin.
00:08:04.000 You can get darn close, kiddies.
00:08:07.000 You can get real close.
00:08:08.000 Synthesizing it with pot and Xanax and booze and whatever.
00:08:13.000 So anyway, uh... I remember saying to my wife, who was my girlfriend at the time, uh... Oh, man.
00:08:21.000 So glad that bald guy left.
00:08:23.000 I was getting really, really uncomfortable.
00:08:25.000 Now we can fucking relax.
00:08:28.000 And she goes, uh, there was never a bald person here.
00:08:30.000 We've been alone all evening.
00:08:33.000 There have been no guests tonight at this place that we're staying at.
00:08:39.000 You know, on that same trip, trip, that same stay, uh, we were sitting
00:08:47.000 In one of the bedrooms, with a ceiling fan, just watching TV.
00:08:51.000 And I didn't have a TV at my place.
00:08:53.000 It was the stupid... We bought it off this hippie, who was involved with some fucking guru, who would give all his money to the guru, and he... You know, it was a beautiful place.
00:09:03.000 It was like mahogany and stuff, and he carved it all himself.
00:09:07.000 But it was also solar, and solar's the stupidest thing in the world.
00:09:12.000 You're constantly... It's like Scrooge is following you everywhere, like if you...
00:09:16.000 Do the, if you'd use the washing machine in the day where you just used up your whole battery, you can't have lights on and listen to music that night.
00:09:24.000 Unless you buy batteries, then you can have music, but no lights.
00:09:27.000 And it's this constant like, you know, change.
00:09:31.000 I almost said shekels.
00:09:34.000 Everyone is, I'm being watched like a hawk these days, so everything can be taken out of context.
00:09:38.000 But anywho.
00:09:42.000 Uh, so it was kind of cool to be able to sit in a place and have, uh, TV and, you know, direct TV and we could watch movies.
00:09:49.000 And every time I travel, I kind of get homesick, especially when I would stay at the Crass Farm, these old anarchist punks in Essex.
00:09:56.000 After a few days there, I'm like, I want garbage.
00:09:58.000 I want a shitty TV show.
00:10:00.000 I want reality TV.
00:10:01.000 I want junk food because they're vegetarians and they're all very healthy and all their books are Kierkegaard and smart and I want a celebrity magazine.
00:10:09.000 I want to see Kim Kardashian with the extra grande latte and Uggs.
00:10:14.000 I don't know why but I miss garbage culture.
00:10:19.000 So it was nice to do that, but anyway, there's a ceiling fan going, and I just hear, thump, boom!
00:10:25.000 And the thump was one of the blades hitting a bat.
00:10:29.000 And the boom was the bat flat out on the floor right by my foot.
00:10:35.000 Now, I'd never seen a bat just sitting there before.
00:10:39.000 I've seen them flying around the sky.
00:10:40.000 They're the most uncatchable things imaginable, right?
00:10:43.000 You'd have to be a fucking... The Flash would need Superman to throw him around.
00:10:49.000 And, uh... I...
00:10:51.000 I'm looking at this weird leathery rat with wings.
00:10:56.000 It's so fucking ugly.
00:10:58.000 Not in a disgusting way like a blobfish, but it's just ugly in a cool way like you're ugly.
00:11:06.000 Fucking weird little face.
00:11:08.000 It's all crumpled up.
00:11:10.000 You look like a little scam artist.
00:11:12.000 Little hustler.
00:11:13.000 Hey, I got a plan.
00:11:15.000 Come here.
00:11:17.000 He's trying to rope you into some hustle where you get mugged or something.
00:11:20.000 He's Ratso Rizzo.
00:11:22.000 And, uh, I don't know why, but all I could do was, uh, jump up on the bed, plus we were probably baked, and say, um, Holy fucking shit, there's a bat right there!
00:11:33.000 Holy fucking shit, there's a bat right there!
00:11:35.000 Holy fucking shit, there's a bat right there!
00:11:38.000 Like, sort of, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo!
00:11:42.000 Like, uh, Queen.
00:11:44.000 And, uh,
00:11:46.000 Eventually I, you know, when you see these animals, my old thing used to be just kill them.
00:11:52.000 They're dead, they're dying, they're having a horrible life, but I've been talking to some experts and they've been chastising me for these murders because they say, no fuckface, they're concussed.
00:12:04.000 You have to give them 10 minutes.
00:12:06.000 Their brains, like with birds, their brains swell so much when they hit the glass that they can't see and they go unconscious.
00:12:14.000 The swelling of the brain goes down, they can see again, floomph, they're off.
00:12:19.000 And so I put a towel on the bat and kind of scooped him up and I brought him outside our little room and lay him there.
00:12:27.000 I don't know why.
00:12:28.000 I didn't want him to freak.
00:12:29.000 Oh, I know why, because I wanted when he got up to be able to fly and not get hit by a ceiling fan again.
00:12:35.000 Uh, and then he came to and...
00:12:39.000 Little leather rat snuck off into the night.
00:12:42.000 God, they seem like an accident.
00:12:44.000 Well, I think all animals are accidents.
00:12:46.000 I think God came up with the magic goop 3.5 billion years ago, or however old the Earth is.
00:12:52.000 And he goes, I'm trying to make some humans, but this shit is so magical that even if you get it on your fingers, then you'll make, like, a hammerhead shark.
00:12:59.000 And he made all these crazy, weird things, like the oar fish.
00:13:03.000 Go look up an oar fish.
00:13:05.000 It is clearly someone spilling the magic goop in the water and making a giant long snake with the peacock feathers sticking out of its head.
00:13:14.000 And bats are similar to that.
00:13:15.000 It's just, they're a mess.
00:13:17.000 They're like a stupid rodent insect bird.
00:13:21.000 And running around trying to eat fruit flies at a hundred miles an hour, up, down, right, left.
00:13:27.000 What a mess.
00:13:28.000 Probably the least elegant creature in the animal kingdom, right?
00:13:37.000 Even a kid scribbling, that would look nicer aesthetically than if you were to track the flight pattern of a bat.
00:13:49.000 So my wife wasn't there, this was another time, and I was partying with some locals, Tico's we call them, but local white people also.
00:13:58.000 God, they party down there.
00:14:00.000 Holy shit, the white people in Costa Rica who live there, the expats, they just, like, a bump of coke to them is just like a Nespresso.
00:14:11.000 It's a little cappuccino.
00:14:12.000 You just, sort of at lunch, you just...
00:14:15.000 And similarly a shot.
00:14:16.000 Like, you'll be hard at work.
00:14:18.000 Not doing stupid stuff, too.
00:14:19.000 Doing, you know, contracting and trying to tell people where to bring drywall and stuff like that and working with plumbers and all that.
00:14:26.000 But you'll just have a break, go over, maybe go home, grab a sandwich, do a line, and do a shot of tequila and then get back to work.
00:14:35.000 That's like bachelor party stuff.
00:14:38.000 But anyway, so I was hanging out with those dudes, and I'm not great at that.
00:14:41.000 I'm not a beast.
00:14:44.000 So I was annihilated.
00:14:47.000 And it was probably five in the morning, I think the sun was coming up, and I go, fuck, dude, I gotta get back to my house, I gotta pack my bags, then I gotta get a taxi to Tamarindo to take the Sansa plane back to San Jose to get my flight.
00:15:05.000 I'm late.
00:15:07.000 And so I get on my ATV or whatever.
00:15:09.000 No, it was an ATV rental.
00:15:10.000 That was it.
00:15:11.000 And I'm on the ATV rental going down these dirt roads and the sun is just coming up.
00:15:16.000 And then, as all wasted people do, I started thinking, hey, while I'm here, I want to catch some air, man.
00:15:23.000 I am actually in a Mountain Dew commercial right now, so I might as well catch some mad air on these totally fucking dope boulders, dude.
00:15:30.000 Not boulders, but like, you know, the crappy Central American roads.
00:15:34.000 They make jumps by accident.
00:15:36.000 So I start doing some jumps, which I'm not good at.
00:15:40.000 And then someone turns out the lights.
00:15:43.000 And I wake up, I don't know how much longer.
00:15:45.000 I'm going to say 10 minutes.
00:15:48.000 And guess what I'm doing?
00:15:50.000 I'm having a nap and my blanket is an ATV.
00:15:54.000 I am underneath the ATV, but it is, I'm not, I don't have the hot engine on my back.
00:15:59.000 I have the seat and everything on my back.
00:16:01.000 The ATV's upside down with the wheels spinning, and I'm somehow underneath it.
00:16:05.000 No idea how that happened.
00:16:07.000 Blood is pouring out of my elbow.
00:16:08.000 I still, when I touch it right now, I can feel the shattered bone.
00:16:13.000 I can feel the chunks floating around in there.
00:16:15.000 I gotta have that fixed one day, because sometimes I'll rest on it, and it'll be like this searing, sharp pain as this triangular, jagged piece jabs into my nerves.
00:16:26.000 And I roll the ATV over and the handlebars are bent.
00:16:28.000 I managed to sort of bend them back to a reasonable look.
00:16:32.000 I drive back, drive home, get my stuff, throw it all in a bag, drive back, return the rental.
00:16:37.000 He doesn't notice the bent handlebars.
00:16:39.000 It's funny because he told me off the record that he never rents to women because they always wreck them.
00:16:45.000 And he also said, the only exception I make, always like New York expats who run businesses down there, probably because if you can make it in New York, you can make it anywhere.
00:16:54.000 And he goes, the only exception I have is lesbians.
00:16:58.000 I let lesbians rent them.
00:17:00.000 When there's a chick who wants to rent it, I always make up some fucking story.
00:17:03.000 Because inevitably she hurts herself, or she wrecks my ATV.
00:17:07.000 Plus, they're too hard on those, revving it and fucking up the clutch.
00:17:12.000 It's not worth it.
00:17:13.000 It ends up costing me money.
00:17:15.000 Meanwhile, I was just using it as a duvet.
00:17:17.000 So, I get back, and then the taxi driver doesn't want to let me in.
00:17:24.000 On the plane.
00:17:25.000 Because he doesn't want his car full of blood.
00:17:27.000 So I take off, I get a t-shirt in my bag and I bound it around my elbow like a turban and it just fills with blood.
00:17:35.000 Managed to make the flight.
00:17:37.000 Everything was fine.
00:17:38.000 But I clearly almost died there.
00:17:40.000 That could have been the end.
00:17:41.000 Is the big guy upstairs?
00:17:43.000 Does he pick and choose?
00:17:45.000 I've had some back and forth on this.
00:17:48.000 As a man that's new to religion, I still have a lot of questions.
00:17:52.000 And, what's his name?
00:17:53.000 Ron Coleman?
00:17:55.000 Goldman?
00:17:56.000 The guy who, uh, the First Amendment attorney who allowed that, banned the slits?
00:18:04.000 No, the slants.
00:18:05.000 Allowed the slants to use their name?
00:18:07.000 You know the guy I'm talking about?
00:18:09.000 I'm kind of looking him up as I talk so I can get his name right.
00:18:12.000 Ron Coleman?
00:18:13.000 He's a great guy.
00:18:14.000 Jewish guy.
00:18:15.000 Very religious.
00:18:16.000 Like Orthodox Jews.
00:18:17.000 Got the yarmulke and all that.
00:18:18.000 And his contention is yes, God sweats the small stuff.
00:18:23.000 Which I have a lot of trouble with.
00:18:25.000 Ron Coleman, that's his name.
00:18:26.000 Like with the Mets.
00:18:28.000 Sometimes I feel very rude.
00:18:30.000 I'm bothering the Lord to say, I know that there's children starving in Africa and everything, but we have bases loaded right now.
00:18:40.000 We're in extra innings.
00:18:42.000 If Conforto could just really nail this into the rafters, I wouldn't bother you for the rest of the season, even.
00:18:50.000 I just don't want the Cubs to sweep us.
00:18:52.000 Do you think we could do that?
00:18:53.000 But I don't want to do that, because, you know, I might have testicular cancer one day, and he'll go, oh, what is this, another one of your fucking baseball games?
00:19:00.000 No sir, this is big.
00:19:01.000 These are actual balls that I own that are in my body.
00:19:04.000 I need these.
00:19:07.000 So, I have trouble thinking that God is going to say, yeah, let's not kill him yet.
00:19:14.000 And then there's a guardian angel?
00:19:16.000 I don't know.
00:19:18.000 She made the ATV not smash my head against the boulder when it was going to.
00:19:23.000 She sort of put her hand there.
00:19:25.000 I don't know.
00:19:25.000 I mean, it's of course much more ethereal and harder to quantify than that.
00:19:30.000 These are amorphous floating concepts that are beyond our recognition.
00:19:34.000 I don't literally mean an angel hand, but anyway, this is boring.
00:19:39.000 Um, but I think back on all these times and there's been a lot of them.
00:19:44.000 The worst one, the scariest one, and we all have the doozy, right?
00:19:48.000 It's usually water related, I think.
00:19:50.000 But we, we used to go to this, this camp, uh, not camp, we used to go to these beaches in Canada that was like the Jersey Shore and it was called Sandbanks.
00:19:58.000 It still is.
00:20:00.000 And we would, we were in high school, we would just get a tent
00:20:03.000 If we could, sometimes we just get nothing.
00:20:07.000 Billy Connolly talks about this in early Glasgow, so it must be a genetic trait with Scots, but we would go camping sometimes with nothing but pants.
00:20:16.000 You know what I mean?
00:20:17.000 And just get tons of beer and make a fire and you just fall asleep where you fall asleep and you hope that you don't get eaten to death by bugs.
00:20:25.000 Sandbanks wasn't bad with bugs, I don't know why.
00:20:27.000 Maybe there's a lot of birds there or something.
00:20:31.000 So we would camp and get wasted and eat like beans with our hands and stuff.
00:20:35.000 You know, like animals.
00:20:36.000 Lord of the Flies.
00:20:38.000 Alcoholics.
00:20:39.000 I remember one time, we would piss on each other.
00:20:41.000 Did you do this in high school?
00:20:43.000 You go up to a guy, you have your dick out, and you start peeing on his leg, but you talk to him really serious.
00:20:48.000 Like,
00:20:49.000 Okay, here's what I just realized, guys.
00:20:51.000 We're gonna run out of gas on the way back.
00:20:53.000 And he goes, wait, what?
00:20:55.000 That's terrible.
00:20:55.000 We better get some gas.
00:20:56.000 So you get his eyes up here, like high up.
00:20:59.000 I think there's not enough gas stations in the area and we don't have... Meanwhile, your pee is going on his leg.
00:21:05.000 Now, the amazing thing about pee is it's body temperature.
00:21:09.000 So the other guy doesn't feel it on his leg.
00:21:11.000 It's just warmth.
00:21:13.000 And then eventually he notices that you're cracking up and he goes, what's so funny about gas?
00:21:16.000 Oh, you fucking bastard!
00:21:20.000 And beats you up.
00:21:22.000 And you laugh as fists are pounding into your chest and head and arms.
00:21:28.000 That's good training, right?
00:21:29.000 For fighting?
00:21:31.000 Funny punches?
00:21:33.000 Laughing punches?
00:21:35.000 That's the real challenge with boxing.
00:21:36.000 It's not punching.
00:21:38.000 It's getting punched.
00:21:39.000 And it's not getting punched until you get up when you can... No, no, no.
00:21:42.000 Fuck off.
00:21:44.000 My biggest problem with boxing is the natural
00:21:49.000 Indignation I feel when I'm punched.
00:21:51.000 I want to stop and talk about it and have a break and analyze it.
00:21:57.000 The hardest part I find with fighting is getting punched in the face and just moving right on like someone farted.
00:22:03.000 It's not a queef.
00:22:04.000 A queef I can just plow through.
00:22:05.000 It could be the loudest queef on earth.
00:22:08.000 It could be like...
00:22:15.000 And I swear to God, I wouldn't even flinch.
00:22:17.000 I don't break for queefs.
00:22:18.000 But I do break for being punched in the fucking head.
00:22:22.000 This is turning into a pretty raunchy one.
00:22:23.000 I didn't mean it to be.
00:22:25.000 So, uh... So we would, we, we rented jet skis.
00:22:30.000 And this must have been 1986.
00:22:31.000 We were 16.
00:22:35.000 And, uh, jet skis weren't common.
00:22:37.000 It was like a crazy thing.
00:22:39.000 It was sort of the modern equivalent of... You know those things you stand on and you can fly like you're in the Avengers?
00:22:46.000 And the water shoots out from where your feet are?
00:22:49.000 And you're a magic floating guy?
00:22:50.000 You know, they were in Kenny Powers and stuff?
00:22:53.000 It was kind of that status.
00:22:54.000 Like, here's a crazy new thing.
00:22:55.000 It's a... It's an ocean motorcycle.
00:22:59.000 That's how old I am.
00:23:01.000 So we're zipping around on these things and it's super fun.
00:23:03.000 You gotta get the ones, though, where you don't have to hold up the handlebars.
00:23:07.000 Because those, you're just at the gym, basically, and you get exhausted.
00:23:10.000 You want to make sure that it's stationary, and that's like the difference between a Sea-Doo and a Jet-Ski.
00:23:14.000 I don't know all the semantics, but just make sure you do that when you rent them.
00:23:21.000 Just had a weird memory.
00:23:22.000 I remember renting one in Jamaica with my wife, and as we were whipping by, I saw a sea turtle about four feet below.
00:23:30.000 And I thought, I'm going to jump off right now.
00:23:33.000 She'll be stuck on the back, just floating.
00:23:35.000 And I'm going to leap into the water and grab the sea turtle by the sides of its shell, and then lift it up out of the water and show her this sea turtle that I just seamlessly captured, like some sort of beautiful swan.
00:23:49.000 And then we just kept driving.
00:23:50.000 I didn't do that.
00:23:53.000 You know those things where you go, I'm going to do something so intense right now, and then as you're lost, thinking about how cool it's going to be, the moment has passed, and you're now miles from a sea turtle.
00:24:03.000 Anyway, so this is 16 years old going on, and these things are designed, when you fall off, they just veer to the left.
00:24:13.000 So you can jump off and it'll do a huge circle and come run and pick you up.
00:24:18.000 Just like, I don't know, I was going to say like a motorbike, but that's not true or it's not true of an ATV.
00:24:24.000 It's probably true of some sort of like bumper cars or it's probably another vehicle that does this.
00:24:28.000 It's a smart thing to do.
00:24:30.000 So anyway, uh, I'm on it.
00:24:33.000 Me and the guys are kind of far away from me.
00:24:34.000 I sort of went off on my own little area and uh, I,
00:24:39.000 I don't remember how I fell off.
00:24:42.000 Maybe I jumped off?
00:24:43.000 I can't remember how I fell off.
00:24:44.000 But it does the thing where it veers left.
00:24:47.000 Now this is Canada.
00:24:49.000 So it's a beautiful summer's day and everything, but it's still rugged terrain.
00:24:53.000 So the wind is really blowing on the lake and it's pushing the waves.
00:25:00.000 The waves are like, you could almost surf them.
00:25:03.000 So as this thing goes left,
00:25:06.000 It doesn't, it sort of starts hitting the waves, and the waves go, no, not on my watch, and it pushes it back to the right, and then it arcs around again.
00:25:15.000 So instead of doing circles, it's doing these sort of zigzags, these concentric zigzags, farther away from me.
00:25:22.000 So I go, no problem, I'll just, I'm a strong swimmer.
00:25:24.000 So I start swimming at it, swimming at it, swimming at it, and then I realize, you know what?
00:25:28.000 It's this darn life jacket that's slowing me down.
00:25:30.000 If I can get that off, I could really just zip to it.
00:25:33.000 So I take it off, like all wise 16-year-olds do.
00:25:37.000 Remember, when you're a teenager, your frontal lobe is not developed.
00:25:42.000 So you don't have a finished brain.
00:25:45.000 Your brain is incomplete.
00:25:47.000 You don't have a brain 2.0.
00:25:49.000 You have the first draft.
00:25:53.000 So I'm someone like a maniac, and it's just at my fingertips almost, but the waves are pushing it away.
00:26:00.000 And then it starts going farther and farther away.
00:26:03.000 And then I realize, oh shit, I don't have it.
00:26:06.000 But I spent all my chips swimming like a maniac to get to that jet ski.
00:26:12.000 And I'm not scared yet, but I'm getting there.
00:26:16.000 Because the inevitable mathematics of it all starts seeping in.
00:26:21.000 And you go, I have X amount of
00:26:24.000 Breath left in me.
00:26:25.000 These guys are X amount away.
00:26:29.000 The jet ski is never coming back.
00:26:31.000 That ship has sailed.
00:26:33.000 So it's a matter of treading water until someone notices me.
00:26:37.000 So I start getting scared and I start going, HELP!
00:26:40.000 But it's loud and noisy and those guys are having fun and it's windy and there's no way in hell.
00:26:47.000 The jet skis are the loudest things on earth.
00:26:48.000 They don't hear, HELP!
00:26:50.000 HELP!
00:26:53.000 So, I'm, you know, hundreds of feet away.
00:26:57.000 Dozens of meters.
00:26:59.000 And, uh, I come up with another stupid idea.
00:27:02.000 Um, what I'll do is I'll swim, I'll stay up, I'll scream, help, help, at the top of my lungs.
00:27:07.000 And remember, I gave 110% to catching that jet ski.
00:27:11.000 So now my arms feel like spaghetti.
00:27:14.000 And I go, I know, I'll just go underwater, hold my breath, and let my arms rest.
00:27:19.000 Because they're going numb.
00:27:21.000 They hurt so much.
00:27:22.000 Like, if you're at the gym, and then you have to do 20 push-ups, and towards the end there, you're just like, these arms aren't connected to me.
00:27:30.000 It's like, each arm is a coke dick.
00:27:33.000 I'm totally impotent.
00:27:37.000 So I went underwater and I started freaking out.
00:27:42.000 Sorry, I went underwater and I... That doesn't help.
00:27:46.000 It's not like you have a nice break.
00:27:47.000 What are you going to do?
00:27:48.000 Go down there and read a magazine?
00:27:49.000 What are you, SpongeBob SquarePants?
00:27:51.000 Go hang out with that squirrel in her little air balloon?
00:27:56.000 I'm getting mad at my 16-year-old self.
00:27:58.000 This was 30 years ago, by the way, folks.
00:28:03.000 And so I come up again.
00:28:04.000 Help!
00:28:05.000 Help!
00:28:06.000 Now, what I think you should do is you can tread water pretty evenly.
00:28:11.000 If you're calm, don't bother screaming and just do sort of wide, you know, 90 degree swoops with your arms and kick as much as you can, you know, normal amounts just to keep your head up.
00:28:24.000 And you can be pretty good for a long time.
00:28:26.000 Now, the wind was pushing these waves over my face and stuff,
00:28:29.000 But my problem was screaming my head off and flailing around like an idiotic teenager in a mosh pit.
00:28:35.000 And that was, you know, just draining my energy.
00:28:38.000 It was like Naked and Afraid Day 18.
00:28:43.000 Um, and then I realized I'm gonna die.
00:28:46.000 And I start just relaxing into the lake.
00:28:51.000 Seems so appealing.
00:28:52.000 Just giving up.
00:28:53.000 Sort of like what junkies must go through when that little heroine Rasputin is on their shoulder like with Dash Snow.
00:28:58.000 Just saying, do it man.
00:29:00.000 Just fuck it.
00:29:00.000 Just do it.
00:29:01.000 Why are we fighting it?
00:29:03.000 Don't fight it anymore.
00:29:05.000 And I'll never forget this till the day I die.
00:29:09.000 I saw my parents reading the newspaper and it said, uh, Ontario boy dies at jet ski accident in Sandbanks, Ontario.
00:29:20.000 And it would have like a little, you know, yearbook picture or something like that.
00:29:24.000 And the thought of them seeing that was just so depressing and sad.
00:29:29.000 And I started fighting more and more and I started doing bigger circles, draining my energy more.
00:29:35.000 Now I'm really screaming help like I'm in Pantera.
00:29:38.000 Like it's our number one hit and we just came on for the encore.
00:29:42.000 Help!
00:29:46.000 And I'm thrashing back and forth.
00:29:47.000 I don't want to fucking die!
00:29:51.000 Refusing to die.
00:29:52.000 I don't know if that was if the determination is what saved it or if I had any say in How long I stayed up there, but thank the Lord Jesus Christ Paul Totti T-o-t-t-i Notice me at that point he saw my sad little jet ski heading towards the weeds without a person on it he came by and picked me up and
00:30:12.000 And I had my parents mourning my death.
00:30:15.000 I had been to hell and back.
00:30:17.000 I had seen the other side.
00:30:19.000 I couldn't use my arms anymore.
00:30:22.000 I was coughing.
00:30:23.000 Like, I was almost dead.
00:30:24.000 But Paul was still in party mode.
00:30:25.000 So he's like, what's going on, dude?
00:30:29.000 Oh, fuck, check out McKinnis.
00:30:30.000 Hey, fucking coughing out water like a fucking pussy.
00:30:32.000 What's going on there?
00:30:34.000 And I'm like, I almost died.
00:30:36.000 And, uh, so he throws me on the back, he takes me to my jet ski, I get on it, and then we try back, and we, I just ball out the renter, and typical Canadian mentality, typical hoser, I was like, I almost fucking died, I want my money back, and he's like, you're not getting your fucking money back, eh?
00:30:53.000 You knew what you were getting into, there's no waivers or anything, this is 1986, and I screamed at him, then I started screaming at all the other people who were lining up,
00:31:01.000 These things, they don't work, they don't come back to you.
00:31:04.000 I almost drowned out there.
00:31:05.000 Meanwhile, I'm the idiot who took off my life jacket.
00:31:07.000 He's right not to give me my money back.
00:31:11.000 And for, you know, for many years, I sort of thought, I almost died.
00:31:17.000 That's scary shit.
00:31:19.000 That's why whenever you hear about some dumb teenager that was on a rock somewhere and fell, or Nick Cave, his son was on acid and thought he could fly, apparently he jumped off a cliff, I don't go, fucking dummy, stupid teenagers.
00:31:31.000 I go, there but for the grace of God goes I.
00:31:35.000 We could easily become those guys.
00:31:36.000 And I have a million of those stories.
00:31:38.000 That's the other scary part.
00:31:39.000 Like this dude, Dan Austin, he was this cool rockabilly at the Earl of March.
00:31:44.000 And I don't think he liked the G-Dog very much.
00:31:47.000 I wasn't an acquired taste to many people.
00:31:49.000 And though we had sort of created our own subculture with punks and mods at our school.
00:31:54.000 Our school, a lot of my friends had British parents, so we were really into British subcultures and British music and stuff.
00:32:00.000 Punk, I've noticed, didn't really take in sort of suburban New York.
00:32:04.000 You meet these people here and they were never into punk.
00:32:05.000 But in Canada, especially Ottawa, where they had all these British immigrants, everyone was a punk or a mod at some point.
00:32:12.000 Or at least into like New Wave or something.
00:32:14.000 Anyway, we had sort of made our little group over here that wasn't part of the cool hierarchy.
00:32:19.000 But there was, of course, lots of crossover.
00:32:21.000 And the very, very cool alternative people didn't think I was worthy.
00:32:25.000 I have no idea why.
00:32:27.000 They were clearly wrong.
00:32:29.000 But, uh...
00:32:30.000 Those are the kind of people, too, that would be sort of not- they wouldn't hate the Nazi skinhead dudes.
00:32:35.000 They'd sort of still talk to them once in a while.
00:32:37.000 It was a weird 80s thing that's hard to explain to people, but we had this Nazi skinhead named Pat at our school that was my archenemy.
00:32:45.000 He tried to kill me.
00:32:46.000 No, he didn't try to kill me, but he made it clear that he would.
00:32:53.000 And the cool crowd sort of liked him.
00:32:56.000 I don't know, it's hard to explain why.
00:32:59.000 It was just sort of seen as very dangerous and gauche, like sexy back then.
00:33:05.000 And it was almost like being in Hell's Angels.
00:33:07.000 Yeah, that's a good way to put it.
00:33:08.000 It was like being a biker.
00:33:09.000 So it was dangerous and wrong, but it didn't have, it wasn't seen as evil.
00:33:14.000 And they beat up wimpy punk guys like me, so that was even better for their cachet.
00:33:21.000 Anyway, Dan was sort of part of the cool crowd of the alt crowd, and, uh, he probably still is, fuck.
00:33:27.000 He's probably a cool dad.
00:33:29.000 But, you know, I always did well with ladies, so we'd have this crossover where I would know, like, his ex-girlfriend, or his female friend, or a girl he's working on, I'd also be working on, and that would bring us, you know, that would cross our paths, and I think that made them resent me more, like, why the fuck is he getting to fuck Nicole Jarvis?
00:33:47.000 So, uh,
00:33:50.000 I know it's always oblivious to people's opinions of me, so... Boy, I really talk about myself a lot on this fucking podcast, don't I?
00:33:58.000 So I see Dan on the street, and he had a Mini.
00:34:00.000 For some reason, a lot of people, and they were Carpies, they lived in this rural area near Connecticut called Carp, so they'd have to do a lot of commuting to get to any kind of civilization from the farmland.
00:34:11.000 And they, their weapon of choice was minis.
00:34:13.000 Austin minis.
00:34:14.000 That they would buy used and destroyed and fix them up.
00:34:17.000 So they'd be souped up, and it's a bizarre thing now that I think about it, at least.
00:34:21.000 These, like, rock-pilly farmer's kids in minis.
00:34:27.000 You don't see that anywhere else.
00:34:29.000 It's just a weird, perfect storm of criteria.
00:34:34.000 So, he's in town in his mini, and maybe I'm talking to the girl in the back seat, and where are you guys headed, blah, blah, blah.
00:34:41.000 And then I'm sort of sitting with my ass cheeks, my gorgeous little perky ass, 16 year old ass.
00:34:49.000 All these, by the way, almost deaths happen around 16, 17.
00:34:53.000 So I'm sort of, it's hard to explain, but I was putting my butt cheeks onto his window with the window up mostly.
00:35:01.000 So somehow on that like quarter inch that sticks out, I managed to sort of perch my body on it.
00:35:06.000 So I wasn't sitting on anything.
00:35:08.000 I was like Spider-Man, I might as well be sitting on the side of your house.
00:35:12.000 Not on a window ledge per se, just on like a brick that's sort of sticking out.
00:35:16.000 So I did not have a very good butt grip.
00:35:18.000 And we're talking blah blah blah, and then he goes, alright I'm headed out.
00:35:22.000 So he starts driving and I didn't jump off.
00:35:25.000 And so he starts going brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
00:35:43.000 So hard off of his car that I will clear the road and I'll land on the suburban grass and then just roll 300 times and I'll be safe and it'll be cool.
00:35:54.000 That's the way your mind thinks.
00:35:55.000 You think you can jump over cars and stuff and you know what?
00:35:58.000 At 17 sometimes you can't.
00:36:00.000 So I...
00:36:02.000 Push using my butt cheeks and my hands and my one of my legs and I jump off of this car at 45 miles an hour sort of you know west as it goes north and I realize in midair we don't have clearance.
00:36:17.000 Houston we have a problem.
00:36:19.000 So I think, no problem, I'll just put my foot down on the pavement and that'll just give me that extra trajectory and I'll land on the grass and roll 300 times.
00:36:29.000 But when you're moving 45 miles an hour with the road, to put your foot on the ground doesn't help you bounce over.
00:36:36.000 What it does is something I didn't expect.
00:36:39.000 The millisecond my foot touched the road, it kicked me in the head.
00:36:46.000 Now if you want to know, if you want to try this at home, take a Grover Puppet and put a Hockey Puck on its foot and then lean it out the window of a moving car and just slowly lower the Grover Puppet to the ground until the Hockey Puck touches the ground at 45 miles an hour and you will see the Hockey Puck whip up and smash Grover
00:37:10.000 In the head.
00:37:10.000 And then what happens is Grover's face slams onto the pavement, smashing his head, cutting his head open.
00:37:18.000 And then, instead of doing his 300 rolls on the grass, as was planned, the 300 rolls happened on the pavement.
00:37:24.000 And he's off, by the way.
00:37:26.000 He drives.
00:37:27.000 And I remember I got up, I wasn't knocked unconscious for some reason, and I was bleeding like crazy, as heads do.
00:37:35.000 And I just remember my heart pounding and going, uh, holy fucking shit!
00:37:40.000 I almost fucking died!
00:37:41.000 Just like the holy fucking shit, there's a bat right there, I realized.
00:37:44.000 No, maybe it was more like, holy fucking shit, holy fucking shit.
00:37:47.000 Yeah, I think it was more like that.
00:37:48.000 Sorry, the bat was confusing me.
00:37:50.000 But it was more like, holy fucking shit, holy fucking shit, holy fucking shit.
00:37:54.000 Like, I was in shock.
00:37:54.000 That's what was really going on.
00:37:56.000 I was in a state of shock.
00:37:57.000 And we used to hang out on top of a school.
00:38:01.000 Not our school, for some reason.
00:38:02.000 We used to hang out at a... Oh, because our school was too big.
00:38:04.000 It was too tall.
00:38:06.000 But there was a school for handicapped kids.
00:38:08.000 Retards.
00:38:10.000 No, sorry.
00:38:10.000 I don't like to use the word retards for actual retards.
00:38:13.000 At school for handicapped kids, it was only about three floors, and they had this sort of ladder that went up the side of it that was encased in sort of a, you know, steel gate so you couldn't fall and die.
00:38:24.000 Or at least if you did, you'd sort of go bum-ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum all the way down.
00:38:28.000 And we would go up that ladder and hang out on the roof and smoke cigarettes and do bottle tokes with hash and, you know, teenager stuff.
00:38:36.000 So I know the guys are there, and I run, and I run for maybe a quarter mile just saying, holy fucking shit, holy fucking shit, holy fucking shit, bleeding all over myself.
00:38:45.000 And I make it to the ladder, and I start going up the ladder, and I'm like, guys, guys, guys, as I go up the ladder, and they're waiting for me at the top.
00:38:55.000 They wait until I get about 68% of the way up, and they, two of them, start pissing on me.
00:39:05.000 That's the kind of hijinks we got up to as kids.
00:39:08.000 So they're laughing their heads off, pissing down this, you know, cage, all over me.
00:39:15.000 And the beauty of their timing was, it was like right out of the military, 68%.
00:39:21.000 If I go back down now, they're gonna empty their bladders.
00:39:24.000 My only hope is to go the remaining, what is it, 32%?
00:39:28.000 And start pounding them.
00:39:33.000 But I'm also in shock and bleeding to death.
00:39:36.000 I mean, I still have scars on my hairline from this.
00:39:39.000 And so I'm going, and I'm going, guys, this isn't fucking funny!
00:39:42.000 I almost died!
00:39:43.000 I almost fucking died!
00:39:46.000 I'm recording this podcast at home late at night, so I can't do the screaming, but I was screaming Pantera-style, drowning jet ski levels help.
00:39:54.000 And they finally get up, and their pee probably sanitized my wounds.
00:40:01.000 They actually did the perfect thing they could do, because it's ammonia, and it's a very strong kind of a bleach setup.
00:40:08.000 So their pee washed out my wounds, got the gravel out, got the dirt out, and, you know, cauterized it with the ammonia acid.
00:40:18.000 And I got up there, and I've just got pee all over my hair and blood, and I'm just fucking punching, punching, pounding those guys as they laugh their heads off doing the pee laugh that we used to do in Sandbags.
00:40:34.000 I mean, I look back on it with a huge smile on my face, but
00:40:38.000 Boy am I glad we didn't die.