Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - December 06, 2018


Get Off My Lawn Podcast #100 | There are sixteen celebrities on this show

Topics
men dating freestyle fail race
Hosted by
Gavin McInnes
Mentioned
Joe Rogan James Gandolfini Jordan Peterson Bill Schultz Tony Soprano Michael Brown Sr. Christopher Walken Anthony Cumia Marshall Bell Donald Trump Jim Gaffigan Artie Lange Gavin Hova John Taffer Sieg Heil Stephen Marsh Bert Kreischer Dennis Miller Marge Simpson and 70 more
Get Off My Lawn Podcast #99 | What's it like to be gay? Get Off My Lawn Podcast #101 | I hate "hate has no home here" signs

Episode Stats


Length

53 minutes

Words per minute

176.19

Word count

9,479

Sentence count

1,073

Harmful content

Misogyny

34

sentences flagged

Toxicity

232

sentences flagged

Hate speech

40

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode of Thick & Thin, the guys talk about the awkwardness of dating in the 21st century, how to make new friends, and how to deal with a guy who wants to get your number. They also talk about Jordan Peterson, and why you should be careful about who you talk to in prison. Also, the boys talk about how to avoid the talkie guy in prison and what to do when you get approached by one. And a crazy theory about Miss Piggy. Thanks to our sponsor, Caff Monster, and all the listeners who sent in questions and suggestions. Thank you so much for all your support and stay tuned for more episodes like this and more! Stay tuned for our next episode next Tuesday! Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. The opinions expressed in this episode are our own, not those of our companies. We do not own the rights to either of these songs, credit goes to the original artists. If you enjoyed this episode, please leave us a review and/or a rating and review on Apple Podcasts. I'm listening to this episode on your favorite streaming platform, and I'll be listening to it in the next one. Thank you for all the love and support you can be heard everywhere else. I'm looking forward to hearing from you! - Thank you. - Sarah, Sarah's Song: The Good Girl's Song of the Week: "The Good Girl, The Bad Girl, the Good Girl" by Sarah's Bad Girl's "Good Girl's Clean Room" by SONG: "I'll be back with you're Good Girl Bad Girl (feat. , "Thank You, Good Girl Good Boy's Song, Good Boy, Bad Boy, Good Guy's Day" by and "I Can't Say That by , " by Scentless, Good Lady's Song " by Fergie's "I'm Not Good Girl " by Jeffree Starz, " by Ms. & I'm Too Effin' It's Good Girl & I'll See You, I'm Sorry, I'll Have a Good Girl (and I'll Say That's a Good Thing by ) by Squeep, , and I'm Thank You, Thank You & I Can't Wait To See You " by Mr. Thru It ( )

Transcript

Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 This episode has 16 celebrities in it.
00:00:04.000 That's a lot.
00:00:05.000 That's like the Academy Awards.
00:00:08.000 Isn't it?
00:00:08.000 16 celebrities.
00:00:11.000 I've hung out with celebrities before.
00:00:13.000 I used to be friends with Justin Theroux and by proxy Jennifer Aniston.
00:00:17.000 I stayed at their home.
00:00:18.000 I wet their guest bed because I was so drunk.
00:00:21.000 But they had a party there, and there was Ben Stiller, and Sacha Baron Cohen, and the tall guy from The Office.
00:00:30.000 What's his name?
00:00:31.000 Ricky Gervais' friend?
00:00:34.000 Steve Merchant.
00:00:35.000 Steve Merchant.
00:00:35.000 Steve Merchant and I really bonded.
00:00:37.000 And at the end, it was like, we should become friends now.
00:00:41.000 I mean, I think he was new to LA, and he was sort of like, so what do we do now?
00:00:46.000 It was sort of like that.
00:00:47.000 That's a weird thing no one talks about, men dating.
00:00:51.000 Yeah.
00:00:51.000 You move to a new town and you have to court men.
00:00:56.000 It's easy courting women. 1.00
00:00:57.000 I want to fuck you and then it works out or doesn't work out and then, you know, that's that. 1.00
00:01:02.000 But when you court men, you meet a dude and you get along and then you have to get their number and go, hey, uh, so I had a good time the other night at that bar. 1.00
00:01:16.000 Wondering if you want to go help me buy pants.
00:01:18.000 I'm going to go buy pants on Thursday.
00:01:19.000 Yeah.
00:01:20.000 You want to come by?
00:01:21.000 Getting the number, too.
00:01:22.000 When you're typing in the number and you text back, he's like, all right, I gotcha.
00:01:26.000 And he waves his phone.
00:01:27.000 He twizzles his phone.
00:01:29.000 Gotcha.
00:01:30.000 When I first moved to the Burbs two years ago, there was a baseball dad.
00:01:34.000 And I met him on a trail, like a nature trail that's out in the Burbs.
00:01:40.000 And we bumped into each other, and he goes, hey, I should get your number. 0.78
00:01:43.000 And then he said something kind of gay.
00:01:46.000 He goes, I should get your number, because we have good conversations, and we get along, and it seems interesting.
00:01:52.000 You know why it's gay? 1.00
00:01:53.000 It's because he had to reason it out.
00:01:54.000 You're not supposed to say that, dude.
00:01:56.000 It's not the content.
00:01:56.000 You don't say, like, I enjoy conversing with you, and we have some good conversations.
00:02:02.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:02:02.000 Robot, autistic, or gay. 0.99
00:02:03.000 By the way, it didn't pan out. 0.98
00:02:04.000 We never exchanged numbers.
00:02:05.000 Oh, really?
00:02:06.000 It was like he ruined it with that quote.
00:02:11.000 But he feels bad.
00:02:12.000 It's almost like, it really is like rejecting a girl. 1.00
00:02:14.000 He probably sees me, maybe, uh, in the media or something and goes, ah, I'm really fucked. 0.98
00:02:19.000 No, actually, he's probably happy now. 0.98
00:02:21.000 Maybe.
00:02:21.000 He didn't do that.
00:02:23.000 But, um, yeah, and here's another weird thing about being a dude.
00:02:26.000 When you move to a new place, you have to dump guys.
00:02:31.000 So you go to a new town, you move to a new country even, and I've done that many times, and then you meet a gang, and then you go, yeah, I don't like this gang.
00:02:41.000 I can do better.
00:02:42.000 I can have a higher quality level of friends.
00:02:46.000 I gotta somehow extricate myself from this first group.
00:02:52.000 And my buddy Robbie told me that about prison.
00:02:54.000 He goes, when you arrive in prison, there's gonna be one super talky guy
00:02:58.000 Who is like, Hey man, what's going on?
00:03:00.000 Yeah.
00:03:00.000 So this is a, this is a way you go to the cafeteria at four and you want to get your tray at an early.
00:03:03.000 And most people sit over here and it's like, Hmm, why are you so eager to hang out with me? 0.99
00:03:08.000 You must be shitty. 0.96
00:03:11.000 And it's like that whole, I don't want to be a member of a club that wants me as a member. 1.00
00:03:14.000 So avoid the talkie guy and just keep to yourself.
00:03:17.000 His advice in prison is for the first week, just keep to yourself.
00:03:22.000 Absolutely.
00:03:24.000 People that approach you... Oh my god, Jordan Peterson just came into the studio!
00:03:27.000 How are you?
00:03:29.000 People that approach you out of the blue, they're awfully carrying some sort of suspicious or subliminal type of context where they're trying to impart some type of ideology onto you.
00:03:42.000 And it's not only suspicious, but it could be detrimental. 0.89
00:03:47.000 It's bloody mad! 0.99
00:03:49.000 Jordan, are you considering... Do you understand that you fucking Miss Piggy is bestiality? 1.00
00:03:56.000 It's illegal. 0.99
00:03:58.000 She's a good girl!
00:04:00.000 Clean your room!
00:04:02.000 It's a pigsty! 1.00
00:04:02.000 You wanna hear a crazy theory I have that is deeply entangled in megalomania? 1.00
00:04:09.000 I think he stole the clean your room thing from me.
00:04:12.000 And I stole it from a dude named Kennedy who does, we did a self-help book.
00:04:19.000 I edited his self-help book.
00:04:22.000 And what's his name?
00:04:24.000 It's called like Kennedy Knockout Self-Help Book.
00:04:30.000 So you believe that you've started the concept of cleaning your room.
00:04:34.000 The book is called Knockout, a manual for success.
00:04:40.000 Okay.
00:04:41.000 I'm not disparaging Jordan Peterson.
00:04:43.000 I think he's a wonderful person and I think he's aided young men in the Western world immeasurably.
00:04:50.000 So this is just a silly little detail.
00:04:52.000 But I cannot help but think he stole this idea from me.
00:04:55.000 So the book is called Knockout, a manual for success by Million Dollar Shift by Mike Kennedy.
00:05:02.000 I edited the book and the first tenet in the book, the beginning of the book is clean your room.
00:05:11.000 You know, I went to a party one time with Tracy Morgan.
00:05:16.000 Party?
00:05:16.000 Tracy Morgan was there and he got into a fight, took off his shirt, threw it at the waitress and we were all kicked out so we were outside and like bloody mad.
00:05:28.000 He was kicked out.
00:05:30.000 He was thrown out of the club and then his shirt was thrown out and landed on his head.
00:05:35.000 Now, okay, what you're talking about, Jordan Peterson, is a story that Brett, what's his name, Keisinger?
00:05:43.000 Burt Kreischer.
00:05:44.000 Burt Kreischer told.
00:05:45.000 It's a true story that Burt Kreischer told, and Jay Moore stole the story and said it happened to him.
00:05:51.000 I know where I'm not welcome.
00:05:52.000 I'm leaving.
00:05:53.000 Good day to you, sir. 0.99
00:05:53.000 Have a bloody mad day. 0.99
00:05:55.000 You can criticize someone like Jordan Peterson for one stupid thing. 1.00
00:06:20.000 But you can also deeply respect the person. 1.00
00:06:24.000 This is the problem with modern social media shit these days, where, you know, it's a liberal ethos, and that is you're either 100% with us or 100% against us. 0.97
00:06:34.000 I am 99.9% with Jordan Peterson. 0.99
00:06:38.000 I just am pissed off about the room thing.
00:06:43.000 But you can agree to disagree.
00:06:44.000 For example, Bill Schultz.
00:06:46.000 He's a guy, he's a liberal, and we hang out at least once a week. 0.99
00:06:52.000 I actually have to avoid him because we're both drunks, and when we get together, there's, like, when I hang out with normal people who aren't drunks, and they have a few drinks with me, they start going, and then, so that's the thing about my wife's tits, is that I was a big tit guy, and then I married a chick who had no tits at all! 0.99
00:07:12.000 And I'm like, this isn't interesting to me anymore. 0.99
00:07:13.000 This guy can't hold his liquor.
00:07:14.000 I got to go.
00:07:15.000 So I leave.
00:07:15.000 But Bill Schultz can drink nine million beers.
00:07:19.000 So every time I go for a drink with him, it's a 13 hour extravaganza.
00:07:24.000 And the next day is AIDS!
00:07:35.000 Talking pain.
00:07:37.000 It absolutely is.
00:07:38.000 Oh, here he is!
00:07:39.000 Bill Schultz is in the studio.
00:07:41.000 Ladies and gentlemen, it's me, Bill Schultz.
00:07:43.000 And Gavin, thank you for having me on the show.
00:07:46.000 It's always a great time hanging out with you and never pronouncing G, especially when I'm sleeping.
00:07:56.000 Never pronouncing G?
00:07:58.000 Never pronouncing the letter G.
00:08:01.000 He also does a little thing where he goes low.
00:08:03.000 He's sort of like that Martin Short guy who's the fat guy.
00:08:07.000 Oh, I believe that would be Jeremy Glick of Comedy Central fame.
00:08:14.000 Let me see.
00:08:15.000 And really harsh starting a word with a vowel.
00:08:22.000 I'm hearing Trump in there, too.
00:08:24.000 Frankly.
00:08:25.000 Trump kind of, like, Bill Shultz is from Chicago.
00:08:28.000 Right.
00:08:29.000 Trump has some Chicago in him.
00:08:31.000 Maybe it's from hanging out with blue collars on construction sites?
00:08:34.000 Well, funny enough, I know a lot about New York City history, especially with the buildings in the area. 0.96
00:08:41.000 But President Donald Trump has a huge hotel in Chicago, and maybe that's why... That's so fucking good! 0.95
00:08:51.000 Maybe that's why he has that accent. 0.95
00:08:53.000 Hotel!
00:08:55.000 Yeah, he'll, he'll, Bill Shultz will be on in a sentence and then he'll stop the sentence and almost like parkour.
00:09:03.000 He'll be like on a ledge.
00:09:09.000 So he'll be walking on the street and he'll just jump.
00:09:11.000 So he'll go, yeah, I was, I was going to a hotel.
00:09:17.000 Why'd you, why'd you jump up onto that ledge to say the word hotel?
00:09:21.000 That is a.
00:09:22.000 Great observation.
00:09:24.000 That is it!
00:09:26.000 And I don't know, he's always like, it's like when you start a car that's already started and it goes, like he's always restarting.
00:09:36.000 It's almost like I have schizophrenia and somebody just starts my conversation, like one of my personalities starts talking in the middle of my conversation.
00:09:43.000 My dad was in town.
00:09:45.000 And you'll end the conversation with, um.
00:09:47.000 You know when a little kid has a light switch and they go do do do do do and start turning it on and off and you're like, stop it, you're gonna burn out the light bulb. 0.99
00:09:54.000 Bill Schultz, my dad was in town recently and we were drinking at a bar, believe it or not, and Bill Schultz was just, Gavin sucks, Gavin's awesome, Gavin sucks, like into my dad's ear hole, almost sensual. 1.00
00:10:08.000 So he'd be like, you're the worst fucking person in the absolute world. 1.00
00:10:12.000 Your son is an absolute inspiration and he's changed the world. 1.00
00:10:17.000 Gavin, you're a complete and utter waste of time.
00:10:21.000 I gotta say, your son has helped me so much over the years. 0.99
00:10:25.000 Mr. McGinnis, I want to thank you for being the snake that literally handed the apple to Eve, and also for sending your only begotten son to be the martyr and save humanity.
00:10:41.000 Oh my gosh, look who it is!
00:10:46.000 We've been trying to get you on the show for a while, Jon Taffer, and we're huge, huge fans of Bar Rescue.
00:10:55.000 By the way, did you know this?
00:10:56.000 Jon.
00:10:58.000 I don't think you even know this.
00:11:00.000 Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, whatever, Kitchen Rescue thing, whatever the Gordon Ramsay one was, something like 20% of the restaurants are still around.
00:11:11.000 80% die.
00:11:12.000 And with Bar Rescue, the numbers were comparable.
00:11:16.000 80 to 90% of the bars would go bankrupt after John Taffer left.
00:11:20.000 And now, I think this last season was better.
00:11:23.000 I think it was like 30% of the bars survived.
00:11:25.000 But these rescue shows,
00:11:27.000 All of the venues suffered.
00:11:30.000 It's sort of like lottery winners, right?
00:11:32.000 When you win the lottery, you get ten million dollars and then you're broke in five years.
00:11:36.000 It's the same with these rescue shows.
00:11:38.000 You weren't meant to have a bar.
00:11:39.000 John, what do you think of that?
00:11:41.000 I think these... Do you see these rusted pipes up here?
00:11:45.000 That'll give somebody salmonella. 1.00
00:11:47.000 Yes, it will.
00:11:49.000 And...
00:11:52.000 Shut it down! 1.00
00:11:54.000 Shut it down! 1.00
00:11:55.000 I'm sitting in the van right now watching you cook onion rings that were sitting in the refrigerator for three weeks.
00:12:04.000 Shut it down! 1.00
00:12:05.000 Shut it down! 1.00
00:12:07.000 This thing's got rust on it! 0.77
00:12:09.000 You should be ashamed of yourself!
00:12:11.000 Watch yourself in the mirror, tell your kids that you're nothing, and I'll come back tomorrow and save your bar! 1.00
00:12:17.000 Asshole! 1.00
00:12:18.000 You should shut it down. 1.00
00:12:20.000 Okay, okay, okay.
00:12:22.000 We're gonna get the neighboring office.
00:12:24.000 Yeah, the neighboring office is gonna be like... I guess we're getting to the point of the show, which is the inevitable progression, where you try to help me with my Tony Soprano.
00:12:40.000 And we've done it a million times.
00:12:42.000 This is important though.
00:12:43.000 I just...
00:12:45.000 You know, when I was a kid in high school, we had a gang.
00:12:48.000 It was kind of like the Proud Boys, but we were called the Monks.
00:12:51.000 And we were half mods and half punks.
00:12:53.000 We called ourselves the Monks.
00:12:54.000 And we had a goal.
00:12:55.000 And the goal was to do a standing backflip. 0.79
00:13:00.000 Like black guys seem to be able to do much more than white guys. 1.00
00:13:03.000 To just be able to stand on the ground and just do a backflip.
00:13:08.000 And we trained like gymnasts for weeks and months, maybe years.
00:13:16.000 And the way we do it is we'd hold each other's hand below the guy's lower back, right?
00:13:22.000 As sort of like a bar.
00:13:23.000 And then that guy would do a flip.
00:13:24.000 And that's easy.
00:13:26.000 That's easy.
00:13:26.000 Is it easy?
00:13:27.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:13:28.000 That's fine.
00:13:28.000 Because the arms are holding you there.
00:13:31.000 So you're just really sort of flipping.
00:13:33.000 Can we try it?
00:13:33.000 We'll do a video of it.
00:13:34.000 I'll try a backflip.
00:13:35.000 Because I feel like my neck will... Really?
00:13:38.000 Well, yeah, dude.
00:13:39.000 It's two people holding hands as the bar, and then the other guy's leaning back on their arms.
00:13:44.000 You can't just hold your arm out?
00:13:45.000 No, not if, unless you're Superman.
00:13:48.000 It's, it's a hundred and whatever it is, 80 pounds of weight.
00:13:52.000 Anyway, we trained and trained and trained and trained, and not one of us could do a standing backflip after, I'm going to say a year and a half of trying and trying and trying and trying.
00:14:02.000 So the moral of the story is, meh.
00:14:05.000 You're not, you just don't have it in you.
00:14:07.000 Like, I was, I met a guy at a bar the other day before you, you met me.
00:14:11.000 And what was that bar called?
00:14:13.000 The Poor House?
00:14:14.000 The... Old.
00:14:15.000 Old.
00:14:16.000 It's one of the oldest bars in New York.
00:14:18.000 Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:14:19.000 I forgot the name of it.
00:14:20.000 No.
00:14:20.000 You want me to name it?
00:14:21.000 Great burger, too, by the way.
00:14:36.000 And it's a real bonafide New York bar.
00:14:39.000 The mustard is mustard seeds.
00:14:40.000 You can tell that the people who work there have lived in New York for 40 years.
00:14:45.000 But anyway, I was talking to a guy there and he said he was with this woman who won like the bronze medal for sprinting in the 90s or something like that.
00:14:55.000 I know that's boring, but the takeaway was that she didn't really train that hard.
00:15:00.000 She worked out like 40 minutes a day, kind of like, you know, your mom's friend. 0.94
00:15:05.000 She didn't, you know, you have those insane marathon runners who do like eight miles a day. 1.00
00:15:10.000 That's not her. 0.99
00:15:11.000 She'd have burritos and shit and watch movies and she was just fucking fast. 1.00
00:15:18.000 And I feel like that's you with your friend Tony. 0.99
00:15:22.000 But that's the important part about realizing that you have some upper edge on somebody else and you're like, I could do shit naturally that that person will have to try for years to even be 0.99
00:15:34.000 For me to even be able to teach that motherfucker how to do something. 1.00
00:15:37.000 You got that. 0.99
00:15:39.000 But with me, it's a very pointless attribute, which is doing voices of other people.
00:15:42.000 No, it's not.
00:15:43.000 You're in entertainment.
00:15:44.000 You're just beginning your career.
00:15:46.000 You're 29 years old.
00:15:47.000 This could be something.
00:15:49.000 I mean, Anthony Cumia was a tin knocker until he went on Howard Stern and did a funny imitation.
00:15:54.000 Yeah, and you know, that's what I like about imitation, because the same thing that I get from it, I can give that to other people, where it's like, it's like a little burst of color in somebody's ear.
00:16:03.000 Jesus Christ.
00:16:04.000 Now you're an oncologist curing kids from cancer, because you can do 20 soprano.
00:16:04.000 No, no, really.
00:16:09.000 You should see the smiles on the kids' faces.
00:16:10.000 I bring, I go to the burn ward of the Children's Hospital, and I just, I go up to their little weird Freddy faces, and I go,
00:16:21.000 It's a very difficult situation.
00:16:24.000 And their eyes just light up.
00:16:26.000 Their burnt eyes just light up.
00:16:28.000 Sorry, God, I don't like that I just did a joke about sick kids.
00:16:31.000 He's like, well, I made it happen, so I mean, somebody's got to talk about it.
00:16:35.000 Scratch that.
00:16:35.000 No, I mean, but you made him feel included.
00:16:37.000 I mean, you know what's the worst part about any kind of minority is being ignored.
00:16:42.000 You know, so if you talk about him, even if you make a rough joke, they're like, at least I'm being seen by somebody here. 1.00
00:16:47.000 That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. 0.99
00:16:48.000 But OK. 1.00
00:16:49.000 So, Christopher.
00:16:51.000 So what I do is
00:16:55.000 And the fun part about impressions is that you know what the real person sounds like, so there is a hit or miss.
00:17:01.000 What did James Gandolfini do to himself?
00:17:04.000 Like, he doesn't really talk like that.
00:17:05.000 He does not talk like that.
00:17:06.000 So who's he basing on?
00:17:07.000 Do you want to hear him in a regular interview?
00:17:09.000 Yeah.
00:17:10.000 It's not Tony Soprano whatsoever.
00:17:11.000 Hi, I'm James Gandolfini.
00:17:13.000 I'm a huge cigar buff.
00:17:15.000 I love cigars.
00:17:16.000 He actually talks like a softie, like a New York-y kind of actor guy.
00:17:21.000 Like a Jersey guy.
00:17:22.000 He pronounces R's very hard.
00:17:24.000 I'm a hard R guy.
00:17:26.000 I'm a Jersey guy.
00:17:27.000 And what I did with Tony Soprano is I ramped it up a bit.
00:17:31.000 I made it into a very difficult situation.
00:17:33.000 This guy is such a sweetheart.
00:17:35.000 I could absolutely cry to watching him just talk about stuff.
00:17:41.000 I have a story about him in a second.
00:17:43.000 You have a what?
00:17:44.000 A story about him in a second.
00:17:47.000 I don't think I've ever said this to most of the writers.
00:17:50.000 I basically would like to have a slightly adversarial, is that the word?
00:17:57.000 relationship with them, but I think they're unbelievable. 0.97
00:18:00.000 I mean, I sit there and read it and just go, Jesus Christ, it's so goddamn small. 0.96
00:18:04.000 Like, what is that? 0.96
00:18:06.000 It's just a jersey thing.
00:18:07.000 It sounds like my friend John.
00:18:08.000 And I don't really know about that.
00:18:12.000 Oh, you could do Carmella too, right?
00:18:14.000 Townie!
00:18:15.000 No, I guess not.
00:18:17.000 That's a rumor.
00:18:20.000 That rumor is true. 0.99
00:18:26.000 Remember when she wanted to go on the Witness Protection Program? 0.98
00:18:29.000 And he says, you want to get fucking tomatoes from Florida that aren't even good tomatoes? 0.98
00:18:34.000 Do you remember that outbreak? 0.99
00:18:34.000 Right. 0.99
00:18:36.000 I don't know why that stuck with me so much.
00:18:37.000 I think as a Canadian, like Scott, I'm watching that and I go,
00:18:41.000 Wow, you guys really do love tomatoes.
00:18:44.000 Yeah.
00:18:44.000 No, because he's willing to trade.
00:18:47.000 He's like, all right, so we're going to be safe. 0.99
00:18:49.000 Nobody's going to fuck with us. 1.00
00:18:51.000 My kids are not going to be fucked up. 1.00
00:18:53.000 But what about the fucking tomatoes? 1.00
00:18:56.000 I'm not a tomato guy. 0.99
00:18:56.000 Is there that much? 0.99
00:18:57.000 Is there that much variety?
00:18:59.000 That's like apples. 1.00
00:19:00.000 What, you want to eat the fucking shitty apples that they got in Minnesota? 1.00
00:19:03.000 We get an upstate New York apple? 1.00
00:19:05.000 We're gonna go from Granny Smith to Macintosh? 1.00
00:19:08.000 Are you out of your fucking mind? 1.00
00:19:10.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00
00:19:11.000 Get the fuck out. 0.99
00:19:14.000 But a good thing to do is ABCs real quick. 0.98
00:19:17.000 ABCs with the character to see if you get all the... Or the vowels.
00:19:23.000 And then if whatever you're lacking in, then you just work on that.
00:19:27.000 I have no idea what you're talking about right now.
00:19:29.000 A, B, C, D. Oh, you do the alphabet.
00:19:32.000 D. D for me is hard on Tony. 0.96
00:19:34.000 A, B, C, fuckin' D, H, I, J, D, L. C is for Christopher. 0.95
00:19:40.000 Yeah, so that'll find your weakness, you know what I mean? 0.98
00:19:43.000 Oh, I see.
00:19:45.000 Yeah, I do find that when I do Scottish accent, I have trouble with the word water.
00:19:50.000 Gee, you people drinking all that water!
00:19:52.000 Well, that was actually pretty good.
00:19:52.000 Water?
00:19:54.000 I may have overcome that.
00:19:56.000 Okay, here's my James Gandolfini story.
00:19:57.000 So, I used to work with Jimmy Miller, Dennis Miller's brother, and he's the biggest agent in comedy.
00:20:04.000 Wow.
00:20:04.000 Wow.
00:20:23.000 Jimmy Miller comedy. 0.99
00:20:24.000 He manages Jim Carrey, fucking Will Ferrell, all these dudes. 0.98
00:20:28.000 He brought me to a Yankees game with Will Ferrell. 0.98
00:20:31.000 I didn't know he was Dennis Miller's brother.
00:20:33.000 And one time I said to him, I'm like, dude, you're like a bald Dennis Miller.
00:20:37.000 No.
00:20:38.000 And he just thought that's the least witty thing I've ever heard. 0.99
00:20:40.000 And I didn't realize that I was talking to the guy's fucking brother. 1.00
00:20:43.000 Get out of here. 1.00
00:20:44.000 That's funny.
00:20:45.000 But his sort of head of operations was this dude, Sam.
00:20:49.000 Great guy, small guy, short guy.
00:20:52.000 And I had all these awesome flannel shirts that you're not supposed to, not Patagonia, but Pendleton, that you're not supposed to dry in the dryer.
00:21:02.000 And it makes them tiny.
00:21:03.000 And then I realized, wait a minute, this is just like a thicker, awesome shirt for a tiny person.
00:21:07.000 So I gave them to him.
00:21:08.000 And he had all these awesome, thick shirts.
00:21:10.000 Anyway, we were buddies.
00:21:12.000 We were obsessed with this guy.
00:21:14.000 Remember Quado?
00:21:17.000 Yes.
00:21:18.000 What was that?
00:21:19.000 No, no.
00:21:19.000 No, no.
00:21:19.000 True Lie?
00:21:20.000 Fifth... What the fuck is it called? 0.99
00:21:23.000 No. 0.99
00:21:23.000 Outer Space? 0.99
00:21:24.000 Marshall Bell.
00:21:25.000 No.
00:21:26.000 Marshall Bell is the guy who plays the body host of Quado. 1.00
00:21:30.000 What the fuck is it? 0.99
00:21:31.000 Total Recall. 1.00
00:21:32.000 Total Recall.
00:21:32.000 Yeah.
00:21:33.000 So we had a funny bit about, wouldn't it be cool... We were obsessed with this show that no one wanted.
00:21:40.000 When we would pitch shows, we would pitch good shows, like me doing a how-to show.
00:21:45.000 But on the side, Sam and I would laugh about this idea of doing a Quado show, where Michael... Who's that wimpy, nice guy, beta male comedian that everyone loves?
00:21:57.000 Michael Cera.
00:21:58.000 Michael Cera is Marshall Bell.
00:21:58.000 Michael Cera.
00:22:00.000 So Michael Cera hosts Quattro and then Quattro is more like an Archie Bunker type guy who keeps like getting him into trouble and drunk driving and stuff and having ex-girlfriends and shit and smoking a cigar. 0.82
00:22:11.000 So it's Michael Cera with like an Archie Bunker Quattro. 0.96
00:22:14.000 That was our dream show.
00:22:15.000 That's hilarious.
00:22:16.000 I know, we talked about it for days.
00:22:18.000 Anyway, great guy, great guy, great guy.
00:22:23.000 We meet this chick in New York, me and the guy that I would pitch TV shows with.
00:22:28.000 And she goes, we're talking about Jimmy Miller and we're talking about Sam.
00:22:31.000 And I go, oh yeah.
00:22:33.000 And she goes, oh my, you know Sam?
00:22:34.000 And I go, yeah.
00:22:35.000 And she goes, I was dating him.
00:22:36.000 I think she came over to us and she goes, oh, you guys know Sam?
00:22:38.000 I was dating him.
00:22:39.000 And we go, yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99
00:22:40.000 Fucking awesome dude. 0.99
00:22:41.000 And she goes, yeah. 1.00
00:22:42.000 And I go, what happened?
00:22:43.000 Are you guys still dating?
00:22:44.000 She goes, yeah, no.
00:22:46.000 And I go, what, what happened there?
00:22:49.000 And she goes, I don't want to talk about it.
00:22:51.000 It's kind of weird.
00:22:51.000 And your mind just goes, oh, he cheated on you.
00:22:54.000 OK, well, sorry to hear that. 1.00
00:22:55.000 That sucks. 0.98
00:22:56.000 And she goes, we keep pushing, of course. 0.99
00:22:59.000 And she goes, no, no, no, it wasn't cheating.
00:23:02.000 It's just something weird.
00:23:03.000 It's kind of weird.
00:23:05.000 OK, what?
00:23:05.000 He likes to dress in drag?
00:23:08.000 And she goes, no.
00:23:10.000 All right, I'll tell you.
00:23:11.000 So he was working on a movie with James Gandolfini.
00:23:16.000 And James Gandolfini died right as they were done the movie, and he felt kind of close to James Gandolfini.
00:23:23.000 And I called him and I said, how you doing?
00:23:25.000 I heard James died.
00:23:27.000 And he goes, yeah, not doing great.
00:23:30.000 And she goes, what do you mean?
00:23:31.000 He goes, I just, I cry and I cry and I cry myself to sleep.
00:23:38.000 And then I wake up and I forget, you know, what happened.
00:23:42.000 And then I remember, and then I start crying and then I cry myself to sleep again.
00:23:46.000 And she was like, I couldn't really get over that.
00:23:49.000 Now this might not even be true.
00:23:50.000 I should make clear, but when I heard that and my buddy heard that, 0.98
00:23:58.000 We both sort of went, yeah, I can't really fuck with him either. 0.99
00:24:02.000 And so she... What's the matter? 0.99
00:24:05.000 Don't do that?
00:24:07.000 You're getting feedback?
00:24:08.000 I'm just plugging in my computer.
00:24:10.000 I know.
00:24:11.000 If you push it over there, try it.
00:24:14.000 So she and my buddy and me just dumped him for crying himself to sleep at night because James Gandolfini died.
00:24:26.000 But is there something deeper there that where you think that what was he like in love with the guy?
00:24:32.000 No, no, I don't care about that.
00:24:33.000 That actually would be better.
00:24:35.000 Just like weak. 1.00
00:24:35.000 Because you're a gay. 1.00
00:24:36.000 Because there's a reason, sure. 0.98
00:24:38.000 It just was that L.A.
00:24:39.000 Like, here's the truth.
00:24:41.000 When I heard that, I went, oh, you seem like one of us, but you're not.
00:24:45.000 You're an L.A.
00:24:45.000 person and you genuinely worship celebrities.
00:24:49.000 And you pretend that this big fat fuck that was having 900 crab wings and then doing a line of coke is some sort of messiah. 1.00
00:24:59.000 You're a classic L.A. 1.00
00:25:00.000 Fuck you. 1.00
00:25:01.000 We're done. 1.00
00:25:02.000 Well, I mean, that's a guy you want to keep around because if God forbid anything ever happens to you, you know that guy's going to cry and then break up further relationships.
00:25:13.000 Look at Tony's face, by the way.
00:25:14.000 I pulled up a picture of James Gandolfini. 0.99
00:25:16.000 He's like, what the fuck? 0.99
00:25:21.000 Who cried over what? 0.99
00:25:24.000 I can't remember who we've done and who we haven't done.
00:25:26.000 Have we done Jim Gaffigan yet?
00:25:28.000 No.
00:25:30.000 No, we haven't done Jim Gaffigan.
00:25:32.000 I realized I stole that thing from him.
00:25:35.000 Like, I'll be making an argument saying you should never, you know, not finish your vegetables.
00:25:40.000 Yeah, but people have to finish vegetables, Gavin.
00:25:42.000 I do.
00:25:44.000 I don't.
00:25:44.000 That's not stealing?
00:25:45.000 I'm not holding that against you.
00:25:46.000 No.
00:25:46.000 You know why?
00:25:47.000 Because Bill Bird does.
00:25:48.000 He's like, and dude, I just thought about punching these muffins. 1.00
00:25:51.000 And it's like,
00:25:52.000 Oh, dude, why does he want to punch those muffins? 0.99
00:25:54.000 It's like, dude, shut up, dude! 0.92
00:25:55.000 That's been happening, I'm certain, until like the Renaissance era. 0.97
00:26:01.000 You're mocking the opposite gender. 1.00
00:26:02.000 Even girls do it. 1.00
00:26:04.000 And I'm like, I don't sound like that.
00:26:06.000 My girlfriend will throw something in my face and be like, yeah, well, because you said like, oh, I can't work tomorrow, so I guess I'm just... I was like, dude, I wish I sounded like that.
00:26:16.000 We're also under such intense scrutiny as non alt lefters that you keep seeing your Views through their eyes like that footage. 1.00
00:26:25.000 We're looking the other day where I had the Donald Trump star on my chest I'm like, oh fuck are people gonna think that's like the star of David and I'm saying that I'm in the Holocaust or something Yeah shit, we can't use that or the guy who had his hands up high in the air. 0.96
00:26:38.000 I 0.99
00:26:38.000 We're making the OK sign. 0.99
00:26:39.000 We're like, could that have been a Sieg Heil?
00:26:41.000 People might think that's a Sieg Heil.
00:26:43.000 Unreal.
00:26:44.000 Even though if you freeze frame it, you see that two fingers are missing, and those are pretty essential.
00:26:47.000 And Sieg Heil is not your arm straight up in the air.
00:26:50.000 It's at a 45 degree angle.
00:26:51.000 You know how I judge it? 0.94
00:26:52.000 If what you're saying is a Sieg Heil, if you were to put that in the 1940s, like you're in the front row and Hitler was there, you'd be like, kill that guy right there. 0.79
00:27:02.000 The Nazi next to you would be like, what are you doing?
00:27:04.000 It's a 45 degree angle. 0.97
00:27:07.000 I hit my pinky with a hammer.
00:27:08.000 Why are you making an OK sign? 0.94
00:27:11.000 Stop connecting those fingers.
00:27:12.000 Extend them fully.
00:27:13.000 Extend them?
00:27:15.000 Make them like a Kit Kat.
00:27:16.000 I hit my finger with a hammer and it did not extend.
00:27:22.000 I promise.
00:27:24.000 But what's Jim Gaffigan without that guy?
00:27:25.000 I like bacon.
00:27:29.000 I like... My wife will put a lot of pillows around and I'm like, hot pocket!
00:27:36.000 It's Hot Pocket, Pillows, and Bacon.
00:27:38.000 That's my impression. 0.99
00:27:39.000 Before you have kids, you hear clean comedians, and you go, what the fuck are they doing? 0.99
00:27:42.000 What a waste of time. 0.98
00:27:44.000 And then you are on a road trip with your kids, and you're bored out of your mind, and you think, thank the Lord that there's Jim Gaffigan and Tom Shalhoub.
00:27:54.000 And Brian Regan.
00:27:55.000 And Brian Regan, because I can now laugh.
00:27:57.000 Because they're still funny.
00:27:58.000 It's not like they're not funny.
00:27:59.000 It's not like they're doing little kid jokes.
00:28:02.000 It's still funny, yeah.
00:28:04.000 What's he doing on the moon?
00:28:06.000 That's Brian Regan.
00:28:07.000 You know, in Adam Sandler's special, I thought it was going to be all, like, candy-coated and clean.
00:28:12.000 And it's, it's dirt. 1.00
00:28:14.000 Every word is like, ah, and, uh, yeah, and a fucking, uh, ooh, yeah, fucking shit. 1.00
00:28:19.000 He's cursing the whole time. 1.00
00:28:22.000 It's his crutch.
00:28:23.000 It's like a crutch, but it's still funny when he says it.
00:28:26.000 It's a pretty good special.
00:28:28.000 Speaking of crutches, how about how much Artie Lange relies on coke and heroin to survive?
00:28:33.000 I'll tell you what, and you know, it was good to me, and even though I'm not doing great at this impression,
00:28:46.000 That's him.
00:28:48.000 I like that guy a lot.
00:28:49.000 Of course, he's a god.
00:28:52.000 Here's Artie in a nutshell.
00:28:53.000 Someone on Anthony's show, someone showed a gif of Kim Kardashian making it rain, and within a billionth of a second, he goes, what has he paid off Amar Lodin's Coke bill?
00:29:09.000 I probably got the guy's name wrong.
00:29:10.000 That quick?
00:29:11.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:29:12.000 It was a millisecond.
00:29:13.000 Dude, he's built for joke making.
00:29:17.000 You know what I mean? 0.99
00:29:17.000 He's so fucking fast! 0.99
00:29:19.000 Yeah, and you know, a lot of people on the Reddit community of Opie and Anthony, they're very vicious and toxic, and they'll make fun of how one of the posts was, let's list all the jokes that Artie keeps repeating, and it's like, yeah, you know what? 0.97
00:29:35.000 It's worth repeating because it's like, I'll tell the Tony Curtis joke over and over and over again.
00:29:39.000 It'll make Anthony laugh.
00:29:40.000 Me and him had a beer across the street from the studio and it's like, yeah, he made those classic by repeating them five times a week.
00:29:47.000 It's like The Stones doing Satisfaction.
00:29:49.000 It's a hit.
00:29:51.000 He gets away with doing it, and I've not known any other comedian where it's like, alright dude, we've heard that one before.
00:29:57.000 He can get away with it.
00:29:58.000 He also barfs out 9 million jokes a day.
00:30:01.000 That are brand new. 1.00
00:30:02.000 But his fucking nose looks like someone at the Madame Tussauds wax museum has Down syndrome. 1.00
00:30:09.000 No, it looks like they put a lighter to it. 1.00
00:30:12.000 It looks like someone at the Wax Museum showed up for work drunk and was like, I'm fine, I'll do Artie Lang.
00:30:20.000 Let me just make a nose. 0.99
00:30:22.000 And then the boss comes by and goes, what the fuck is that thing? 0.99
00:30:25.000 Oh, I think I gotta quit or be fired. 0.99
00:30:28.000 Yeah, it's like Orson Welles, when he was doing that champagne commercial, immediately afterwards, he did the nose for the Artie Lang man.
00:30:37.000 Jesus Artie, what if you like how much coke I I used I've done coke as a young man.
00:30:43.000 It's a crazy drug It's a party drug.
00:30:45.000 Many people have done coke but like to really pursue it like you're a Like it's a trade he pursues coke and heroin like a trade.
00:30:54.000 Well, that's the thing.
00:30:54.000 I think it's the heroin thing it's because
00:30:58.000 If it if that's if any kind of chemicals like in your nasal passageway and it's sitting there for a while like the worst nights ever is when you wake up the morning after and you did some blow and you're like and you You do that and you're like, oh wow.
00:31:11.000 I just tasted coke.
00:31:12.000 So that means it's been sitting in my nature That deteriorates the tissue.
00:31:15.000 Let's make something clear folks at home.
00:31:18.000 Drugs are bad.
00:31:19.000 Yes.
00:31:19.000 Marijuana's bad.
00:31:20.000 I'm talking about years ago.
00:31:22.000 No, marijuana's good.
00:31:23.000 It helps you think.
00:31:24.000 Marijuana makes you lazy.
00:31:26.000 It screws up your grades.
00:31:29.000 It takes away your economic libido.
00:31:30.000 Marijuana's bad for you.
00:31:31.000 Coke is bad for you.
00:31:33.000 It's toxic. 1.00
00:31:33.000 The shit they cut it with is horrible. 1.00
00:31:36.000 Heroin, that's a whole other universe of bad. 1.00
00:31:39.000 Like, all those other drugs are, like, getting tattooed on your neck or something.
00:31:43.000 Heroin is playing Russian Roulette.
00:31:46.000 It's a totally different evil drug.
00:31:47.000 I think about it even worse than that.
00:31:49.000 Where it's like, when you do heroin, when you're like, alright, the rest of my life is question mark.
00:31:54.000 And it ends in a year.
00:31:55.000 Well, that's what Russian Roulette is. 0.96
00:31:56.000 The rest of your life's a question mark when you put a gun to your head.
00:32:00.000 But anyway, the fact that Artie can pursue it like that.
00:32:04.000 And survived this long by the way, whereas like it and that's my question to you is like because my theory is like is it really even a problem because And you know what?
00:32:14.000 It is a problem because- It's a problem.
00:32:15.000 He was making five million dollars a year.
00:32:17.000 But relationships- He probably makes 40 grand a year now.
00:32:20.000 So yeah, financially that's a problem, and then also you don't have any close friends that can trust you.
00:32:25.000 That's a big problem too.
00:32:26.000 Yeah, the thing about junkies is you can't love them.
00:32:29.000 Because that love enables them.
00:32:33.000 So the best thing you can do to a junkie is cut them loose. 1.00
00:32:36.000 And the next thing you know you've got this poor bastard alone in his apartment snorting coke and heroin and fucking dying. 1.00
00:32:41.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:32:42.000 Artie Lang is dying.
00:32:43.000 Now I hear he's gone into rehab now, but hasn't he been in about 10 times?
00:32:47.000 And you know what scares me about him?
00:32:49.000 He's Indian.
00:32:50.000 He's American Indian.
00:32:51.000 Did you know that?
00:32:51.000 Oh yeah?
00:32:52.000 No, no, no.
00:32:52.000 Yeah.
00:32:53.000 And it makes me worried about my own kids.
00:32:55.000 Because I worry that there might be some sort of genetic predilection to addiction within that community?
00:33:00.000 I don't know.
00:33:00.000 Perhaps.
00:33:01.000 I don't know.
00:33:02.000 I mean, but you know, there's different personality types within any group, so you can always attribute some kind of general, like, oh, these people do this, these people... But there's always a variety.
00:33:11.000 No, there's genetic... Scots are drunks. 1.00
00:33:14.000 All of my uncles are dead from booze.
00:33:16.000 Wouldn't you say that's like a very... That's a specific one.
00:33:19.000 Like, heroin's pretty specific, and that can't be rooted in your... No, I'm not talking about heroin.
00:33:22.000 I'm talking about addiction.
00:33:22.000 Anyway.
00:33:23.000 Oh, I see.
00:33:23.000 Enough.
00:33:24.000 I don't want to talk about my kids.
00:33:25.000 True that.
00:33:26.000 Sway is a guy who, he doesn't really do this anymore because I think someone sent him a memo, but it used to drive me nuts how he would wrap his dreads up in a big Erykah Badu thing on his head like Marge Simpson.
00:33:40.000 And in Africa, that means I'm a woman.
00:33:45.000 In Africa, that means you put a towel around your head. 0.91
00:33:49.000 You put the poopoo. 0.94
00:33:51.000 I have the poopoo.
00:33:53.000 It looks like you have the poopoo.
00:33:55.000 In Africa, a man will just have short hair. 0.94
00:33:58.000 A woman will have her hair in a large Marge Simpson wrap. 1.00
00:34:04.000 She wraps her hair in that. 0.83
00:34:06.000 Yeah.
00:34:07.000 I think that's the problem.
00:34:08.000 When the wires touch.
00:34:08.000 Yeah, that's the problem.
00:34:24.000 When Nigerians used to come to the old hostel I used to work at at the desk, they feel like royalty. 0.99
00:34:29.000 They come in like coming to America. 1.00
00:34:31.000 If you came out of Nigeria and you're in New York, that's the weird thing about being from Montreal. 0.99
00:34:38.000 All the black guys that I grew up with are billionaires. 1.00
00:34:41.000 If you can come from Haiti and go to Montreal, you're a nerd who went to private school, who wears a blazer and a scarf, and you smoke cigarettes, and you don't drink. 0.98
00:34:53.000 My sort of background with black people in Canada was, oh yeah, those nerds. 0.97
00:34:57.000 Their upper echelon nerds.
00:34:58.000 The coke and chippers who just want to eat potato chips at a party. 1.00
00:35:01.000 Like, they're no fun. 1.00
00:35:02.000 Yeah, disenfranchise my ass. 1.00
00:35:04.000 Oh, it's a party with black people? 1.00
00:35:06.000 Oh great, nerd central. 0.99
00:35:08.000 I don't want to hang out with a bunch of rich French people. 1.00
00:35:11.000 Yeah, you know, you're absolutely right, because it's not an act.
00:35:14.000 They come to the hotel like, uh, carry my bags for me.
00:35:18.000 Um, do me a favor.
00:35:19.000 Tell me... No, they don't even say do me a favor.
00:35:21.000 They're like, tell me how to get to New York City.
00:35:24.000 And you're like, uh, yes, sir.
00:35:26.000 And I'm sorry there's not a carpet that I rolled out under you.
00:35:29.000 So, Sway, why do you have a Marge Simpson? 1.00
00:35:31.000 Uh, it's me, Sway, from MTV News.
00:35:34.000 Uh, Aaliyah's dead. 0.99
00:35:36.000 Uh, in too deep.
00:35:37.000 I sunk 41s at Top of the Charts. 1.00
00:35:39.000 We're going back to Carson Daly.
00:35:41.000 Right now.
00:35:43.000 What's Sway doing these days?
00:35:44.000 Is he on Sirius or something?
00:35:46.000 He's on Sirius, yeah, he's actually doing pretty good.
00:35:47.000 He has a cool thing on his show where he challenges people to do freestyles, so it's called the 36 Chambers of Death or something, where they go through a bunch of different beats.
00:35:58.000 Shia LaBeouf 0.93
00:35:59.000 I actually fucking nailed it. 0.95
00:36:01.000 Yeah, but how do you know he hadn't pre-memorized that? 0.98
00:36:04.000 He did.
00:36:04.000 A lot of it.
00:36:05.000 But, have you ever tried to pre-memorize?
00:36:07.000 If Sway pulls out an orange and a pineapple and a hat and says, incorporate these into your freestyle, maybe. 0.99
00:36:14.000 But to just say freestyle, I don't believe it half the time.
00:36:17.000 But, okay, so let's say he is, it's almost like magic tricks.
00:36:22.000 It's like, okay, that's not actually levitation, but there is some skill to it.
00:36:25.000 So I would attribute the skill for Shia LaBeouf to be memorization, writing, and being able to perform it.
00:36:34.000 And here's the thing.
00:36:35.000 You sound so lame right now.
00:36:37.000 The reason why it's impressive, and just hear me out, is because you're under pressure. 0.98
00:36:42.000 There's actual rapper, hip hop culture, black people around you.
00:36:46.000 You're white and weird, like Shia LaBeouf is, because he's not just regular person. 0.87
00:36:51.000 He will not divide us!
00:36:53.000 He's so weird, right?
00:36:55.000 But he wrote it and memorized it, and then here's the thing about a beat, too.
00:37:00.000 You can't just be like an actor where you forget your line and give yourself a long pause.
00:37:03.000 You're like, I thought...
00:37:06.000 The other day.
00:37:08.000 You have to do it on the beat.
00:37:09.000 There's a guy on local news, cable access type thing, who was freestyled and he had nothing to say.
00:37:17.000 So just look up freestyle, fail, author, local news.
00:37:26.000 I think that should do it.
00:37:29.000 That's him.
00:37:33.000 It came up right away.
00:37:34.000 That's not good.
00:37:37.000 Tell us what we're about to hear.
00:37:39.000 It's just a freestyle.
00:37:40.000 Okay.
00:37:40.000 I'm just gonna think it up as I go.
00:37:42.000 Well, let me sit back.
00:37:42.000 Freestyle?
00:37:44.000 Go ahead, Marshall.
00:37:45.000 Okay.
00:37:45.000 Uh-oh.
00:37:49.000 Years ago, they tried to... Years ago, they tried to put me in a... Is this edited?
00:37:58.000 No, this is live.
00:37:59.000 No?
00:38:00.000 Oh, man.
00:38:01.000 That's just real.
00:38:03.000 She's worried.
00:38:05.000 Oh, dude, come on, bro.
00:38:07.000 Did you want to try to read something from your book?
00:38:08.000 Give an excuse.
00:38:09.000 OK.
00:38:10.000 You hear that?
00:38:11.000 Do you want to just read from the book that's been written already?
00:38:15.000 Why didn't you say, like, oh man, it's hard without a beat.
00:38:17.000 I'm sorry.
00:38:18.000 Yeah, like when we were talking about those psychic guys who go, I'm not feeling strong right now.
00:38:23.000 I don't feel like I can use my powers.
00:38:25.000 Some dude wearing a geisha uniform came up with a better excuse than the 70s. 0.79
00:38:25.000 Just say, like, oh. 0.79
00:38:31.000 I'm indigesting.
00:38:32.000 All right, we're running out of time here.
00:38:34.000 So we got Phil Schultz.
00:38:35.000 Have you done Ezra yet?
00:38:37.000 No, I have not done.
00:38:39.000 Here's the thing.
00:38:42.000 In Britain, right now, there's a large attempt to silence.
00:38:47.000 That's why I'm here right now.
00:38:49.000 Ezra Levant.
00:38:51.000 I'm out.
00:38:52.000 And we did Bill Burr.
00:38:54.000 Ah, dude, yeah, we did.
00:38:57.000 We did Erlang, we did Bill Shultz, we did Tony Soprano.
00:38:59.000 What about Jay-Z?
00:39:01.000 It's your boy, Hov.
00:39:03.000 It's a rock in the building.
00:39:08.000 I sounded like Pee Wee when I tried to do that.
00:39:11.000 That did sound like you.
00:39:12.000 Wait, do it again.
00:39:13.000 It's your boy, Hova.
00:39:15.000 It's your boy, Hova.
00:39:18.000 I'll get it.
00:39:19.000 The TV is talking.
00:39:20.000 The couch is stalking.
00:39:21.000 The TV is talking.
00:39:22.000 The couch is stalking.
00:39:24.000 It's your boy, Hova.
00:39:26.000 That takes so much exercise.
00:39:28.000 It's a rock in the building!
00:39:30.000 Hova.
00:39:31.000 Tommy Lee Jones.
00:39:32.000 This one, I have to preface this very bad, but I love doing it.
00:39:37.000 Slick, you're not part of the Men in Black.
00:39:39.000 There's an active volcano around about 80 miles away.
00:39:45.000 I can do Rip Torn also.
00:39:46.000 We're not running some kind of intergalactic kegger here. 0.99
00:39:53.000 If he takes a shit, I want to know about it. 0.99
00:39:56.000 Uh, I just ruined that. 1.00
00:39:57.000 That was Christopher Walken?
00:39:58.000 That was Tommy Lee Jones.
00:40:00.000 Oh, okay, okay.
00:40:01.000 Because Christopher Walken said something similar in King of New York.
00:40:04.000 He was like, if a nickel bag gets sold in the park, I want in!
00:40:08.000 I wonder if I could show that to my kids.
00:40:12.000 What's that?
00:40:14.000 Um... King of New York?
00:40:16.000 Yeah.
00:40:17.000 No. 0.86
00:40:18.000 Sex is the problem. 0.75
00:40:19.000 No, you know why? 0.98
00:40:20.000 Because it's the most horrific sex scene in the world. 0.93
00:40:23.000 No, thank you.
00:40:24.000 My 10-year-old asked Santa, although I don't think 10-year-olds believe in Santa, but they don't know if you know, so they don't want to rock the boat.
00:40:32.000 Wow.
00:40:32.000 So they're like, there's a steady supply of seriously awesome presents here.
00:40:37.000 They don't even want to talk about Santa, and I don't want to talk about it either, because I don't want to ruin anything.
00:40:43.000 So Santa is almost a taboo subject in a man's home.
00:40:47.000 Yeah, dude, yeah.
00:40:48.000 Because my youngest, my five-year-old, obviously is all on board, but with the 12-year-old and the 10-year-old, we're both sort of looking at each other like, do you know anyone I can talk about?
00:40:58.000 It's almost like a mole on somebody's face.
00:41:00.000 Exactly.
00:41:00.000 Why would you bring that up?
00:41:04.000 So I guess you're going to send Santa a letter with a stamp.
00:41:10.000 You know that I need to take a picture of the list before you mail it, right?
00:41:14.000 Don't you find that a little curious? 0.98
00:41:17.000 Why do I give a shit about your list of sentences? 0.99
00:41:19.000 None of my business. 0.99
00:41:21.000 That's between you and the guy who supplies the presents, not me. 0.99
00:41:24.000 That's why I really think honesty is the way to go from all this shit, because when you find out- No! 0.99
00:41:29.000 No? 1.00
00:41:29.000 You're a moron. 1.00
00:41:30.000 Here's your deal as a father. 1.00
00:41:34.000 You need to delay sex, so you don't want them to know what sex is for as long as possible.
00:41:39.000 Okay, I agree, but wait. 0.96
00:41:40.000 Do you tell them a stork makes babies?
00:41:43.000 No, it doesn't come up.
00:41:44.000 You don't bring up a fake story.
00:41:45.000 Actually, it did come up in the car once.
00:41:46.000 One of the kids said, so what happens?
00:41:48.000 Mom just has a drink. 1.00
00:41:51.000 She drinks something and a baby comes out, which is actually kind of true.
00:41:56.000 No, the one night she doesn't have a drink.
00:41:59.000 And I said, uh, I said the mommy and the daddy love each other very much and that the daddy's body gives something to the mommy's body.
00:42:07.000 That's perfect. 0.99
00:42:08.000 And then she was like, ugh, this, uh, I don't want to hear any more about this shit. 1.00
00:42:11.000 This sounds fucking gross. 1.00
00:42:12.000 What are you, barfing her ass? 1.00
00:42:20.000 You tell them enough truth and they're like, I'm done. 1.00
00:42:23.000 You have some sort of needle that comes out of your belly button and it goes into her spine. 0.57
00:42:27.000 Not curious.
00:42:28.000 Like an epidural.
00:42:29.000 I don't want to hear about what you guys get up to.
00:42:33.000 So that's your one goal as a parent.
00:42:34.000 That's genius, by the way. 0.98
00:42:35.000 By the way, I'll fucking use that in my life. 0.91
00:42:39.000 Because I was thinking about like, are either the stork story, pretend I didn't hear the question, or lie about makeup my own way. 0.98
00:42:45.000 No, you get close to the subject and then they go, ugh.
00:42:48.000 Oh, so you don't, okay.
00:42:50.000 You omit enough truth.
00:42:50.000 The mommy's, the daddy's body gives the mommy's body something.
00:42:53.000 Dude, that's advice to all you guys out there.
00:42:55.000 That's perfect advice.
00:42:57.000 Number two.
00:42:57.000 Sure.
00:42:58.000 Santa.
00:42:59.000 You want to delay that for as long as possible.
00:43:00.000 You never, unless they bring it up, you never say that Santa doesn't exist.
00:43:06.000 Ever. 0.97
00:43:06.000 And you gotta fucking watch Gremlins 2 very carefully. 0.97
00:43:09.000 There's a scene in it where she says Phoebe Cates of Fast Times at Ridgemont High, our ultimate perfect woman, 0.98
00:43:16.000 She says that her uncle died in a chimney, he got stuck in there pretending to be Santa, and that's when she realized Santa doesn't exist.
00:43:25.000 You gotta have your finger on the fast-forward button when that comes up so you can zap through that scene.
00:43:30.000 Yeah.
00:43:31.000 Or you just stand up and fart really loud.
00:43:33.000 So sex doesn't exist, Santa does exist, and then the third biggie... No, another biggie is 9-11.
00:43:41.000 I don't want to talk about 9-11.
00:43:43.000 If it comes up, I'll tell you what happened.
00:43:45.000 She's so hot. 0.97
00:43:46.000 I don't want you to know what 9-11 was for as long as possible.
00:43:49.000 I don't want you thinking that a plane is going to smash into a building.
00:43:53.000 And then number four, race.
00:43:56.000 I don't want you to know that race is a thing.
00:43:59.000 I don't want you to know the word racism.
00:44:01.000 I just want you to know, I just want you to see, I remember one of my most victorious moments as a parent was when my son was about six and he said, how come so many of my friends have black skin?
00:44:12.000 He just noticed that their skin tone was different.
00:44:15.000 He didn't know what a race was.
00:44:17.000 And that's another goal. 1.00
00:44:19.000 Then they get older and you hear them say the word racist and you go, oh shit. 1.00
00:44:24.000 Yeah, there's a thing no one will shut up about that's all about race city race race race and it sucks and blah blah blah. 1.00
00:44:30.000 I grew up in the Bronx in Co-op City and it was like all my friends were black. 0.98
00:44:33.000 My first girlfriend was black. 1.00
00:44:35.000 My first bully was black. 0.99
00:44:37.000 My best friend's black and you don't you don't look at a different person person looks different You said that's better or lesser. 0.99
00:44:43.000 You're just like different. 0.94
00:44:44.000 Well black people don't talk about it The same way that white people are completely that is true. 1.00
00:44:50.000 They're obsessed with it And they would they would do the Chinese eyes thing to me They would be like your eyes like this and they would pull their eyes back. 0.69
00:44:57.000 You know, well, yeah, my skin's different colors entirely my that's pretty five-year-old was doing that like that and
00:45:03.000 Chinese, Japanese, Siamese.
00:45:05.000 Look at these.
00:45:06.000 That's good.
00:45:06.000 I don't know where that started.
00:45:08.000 It's probably some dude in the 30s.
00:45:09.000 It was up in Canada.
00:45:11.000 It's a thing.
00:45:12.000 It's like rock, paper, scissors and tic-tac-toe.
00:45:13.000 It's universal.
00:45:14.000 It's never been in a movie.
00:45:15.000 It's just a thing that everyone does.
00:45:17.000 And my wife was mortified and she goes, don't ever do that again. 0.69
00:45:21.000 But he looks more Asian than you. 0.91
00:45:23.000 Yeah.
00:45:24.000 So I'm like, is that so bad? 0.88
00:45:26.000 It's like a black guy wearing blackface. 0.98
00:45:28.000 I don't think that's insulting. 0.95
00:45:30.000 Plus, if I want to make fun of Chinese people, I gotta pull my eyes down. 1.00
00:45:34.000 Because Japanese go up. 1.00
00:45:36.000 According to that little... Siamese.
00:45:39.000 I still have to do it.
00:45:41.000 Siam.
00:45:41.000 Alright, we're running out of time here.
00:45:43.000 You didn't do Robert Downey Jr.
00:45:47.000 I'm Iron Man, so... Hey Thor, love the hammer and stuff.
00:45:51.000 Really good look.
00:45:52.000 Jarvis, take me out of here.
00:45:54.000 Pepper Potts, do me a favor.
00:45:55.000 Cancel my appointment with that.
00:45:56.000 I have to rock it into the stratosphere and stop Spider-Man from doing a thing.
00:46:02.000 Thanks very much.
00:46:03.000 He's always very snarky.
00:46:04.000 They should call him Tony Snark.
00:46:05.000 He is the worst dressed superhero in the history of film.
00:46:10.000 And I became so obsessed with it, I looked up his stylist and assumed that he was having an affair with her. 0.99
00:46:17.000 Because why the fuck else would she be employed? 0.99
00:46:19.000 Every outfit he has, like his snowboard pants, 0.98
00:46:23.000 We're good to go.
00:46:40.000 Skateboarder who plays bass in a new metal band.
00:46:44.000 Wow.
00:46:44.000 He is terrible!
00:46:47.000 Yeah.
00:46:47.000 His windbreakers and his, like, bell-bottom zipper pants.
00:46:51.000 He's wearing a normal thing in this where, like, it's a nice, like, uh, like a Guayavera shirt with a blazer on top of it, which is crushed velvet, which is fucking horrific. 0.86
00:46:58.000 With spiral patterns.
00:46:59.000 Then he'll have, like, an orange Gore-Tex t-shirt on underneath his dress shirt.
00:47:05.000 Who dresses you, dude?
00:47:08.000 You are so Eastern European. 0.99
00:47:10.000 You know when Eastern Europeans are badass?
00:47:12.000 And they probably are.
00:47:14.000 Back in Slavutki, they come back and they're like, yes, I was just in New York City for two weeks, hanging out, going to dance clubs and listening to rap.
00:47:22.000 And I smoked a marijuana joint.
00:47:25.000 And you go, yeah, you probably are the hottest slav in town. 1.00
00:47:28.000 But here in the real world, you look like a fucking dork. 1.00
00:47:32.000 Dude, I have to agree with you. 1.00
00:47:33.000 I've never noticed it before, but even the beard, it's like, it's got two spikes.
00:47:37.000 It's like, it's so nu metal.
00:47:39.000 It's cringe.
00:47:40.000 He's a bassist in an unpopular Russian nu metal band.
00:47:44.000 Yes, but it's even more troublesome too.
00:47:46.000 He's like, you know that Tony Stark's character likes Steely Dan and like Foreigner and doesn't listen to nu metal, but why are you dressing nu metal?
00:47:53.000 His pants, there's always one attribute.
00:47:56.000 His pants are the worst.
00:47:58.000 We should get his stylist on the show. 0.71
00:48:00.000 That's a regular- that's actually a very cool blazer, but the thing that throws me- That's actually a very cool blazer.
00:48:04.000 It's a very cool blazer, but there's a zipper on the collar of it.
00:48:07.000 Why?
00:48:07.000 There's always a pocket on the sleeve or some thing you don't need where you- I don't know, you keep silver dollars in there?
00:48:14.000 This is me saying goodbye.
00:48:15.000 And no one talks about this.
00:48:18.000 What are we- Sam Elliott?
00:48:21.000 The all-new Dodge Ram, built with American buffalo sauce.
00:48:26.000 Not- not very good today. 0.99
00:48:27.000 That sucks. 0.75
00:48:27.000 Yeah, I know. 0.75
00:48:28.000 What about Joe Rogan?
00:48:32.000 Pull that up real quick.
00:48:33.000 No, I'm not good with that really.
00:48:34.000 Wow.
00:48:36.000 That's crazy, man.
00:48:38.000 Yeah, I did this cryogenic thing where it heals your bones.
00:48:43.000 It's crazy, man.
00:48:46.000 I'm like, wow. 1.00
00:48:48.000 Jamie, pull that shit up real quick. 0.99
00:48:50.000 You know, Joe Rogan, we'll end on Joe Rogan because we're out of time. 1.00
00:48:53.000 Joe Rogan is a guy, he's not an intellectual.
00:48:58.000 You can tell he has a blue-collar brain, but he's curious, and he likes pot, and he's relatively intellectually adventurous, right?
00:49:06.000 Which is rare in LA. 0.99
00:49:08.000 But the guy has been through so many fucking things. 0.99
00:49:12.000 Like, what a survivor he is. 0.99
00:49:14.000 He's the go-to MMA guy.
00:49:16.000 He had the Fear Factor thing.
00:49:17.000 He had Radio Days.
00:49:19.000 He has a stand-up comedy career. 0.97
00:49:20.000 I went to see him do stand-up in New York and it was fucking hilarious. 0.84
00:49:24.000 Yeah? 0.96
00:49:25.000 Yeah.
00:49:25.000 Really high quality.
00:49:26.000 Recently, though?
00:49:28.000 A year ago?
00:49:29.000 That's awesome.
00:49:29.000 You know, his new special on Netflix is like the only one I cared to watch.
00:49:33.000 And then he does this podcast thing, which people don't seem to understand how fucking huge it is.
00:49:41.000 When I go, when I walk around the streets of London, England, people yell Joe Rogan at me.
00:49:47.000 In England, I'm the Joe Rogan guy.
00:49:49.000 Yeah.
00:49:50.000 Probably because it rains there, so they don't get out much, so they just watch YouTube videos again and again.
00:49:55.000 I think they watch it more per capita than Americans do. 0.99
00:49:59.000 They can go play baseball and shit, but British people are stuck in there. 1.00
00:50:04.000 And his Alex Jones ones, they were killed off of iTunes, and they were removed from all these top ten hits, but they were number one in the world. 0.99
00:50:15.000 I'm talking hundreds of millions of listens.
00:50:19.000 That's a lot of people. 0.99
00:50:22.000 And it bridges the gap between mountain dude drinking, Taco Bell loving, video gamer, and fucking intellectual. 0.98
00:50:30.000 No, a lot of people. 0.98
00:50:32.000 The mountain dude dudes, liberals,
00:50:38.000 Paleo-conservatives, libertarian types like Jordan Peterson, like smart guys. 0.98
00:50:44.000 Chicks, a lot of chicks, like my wife will get hassled by her friends going, why are you married to that horrible person? 1.00
00:50:50.000 And then some other chick will go, actually I heard him on Joe Rogan, he seems pretty cool.
00:50:54.000 Chicks like it. 1.00
00:50:54.000 Yeah, you know what too? 1.00
00:50:56.000 It's amazing because I watched the Jordan Peterson one, the newest one, and it's he, Jordan Peterson is 0.93
00:51:03.000 Long-winded if you're an idiot, but he's perfectly winded if you if you're on his speed and he Joe Rogan gives him He doesn't he doesn't let a smarter guest railroad over him He'll ask good questions and he'll pick up on the nugget in which they're going like I actually I'm guilty of tuning out halfway during 0.64
00:51:23.000 Uh, one of Jordan's things, so I had to rewind it. 0.99
00:51:25.000 Does he?
00:51:39.000 And a lot of it is, he based it on rats and rat behavior.
00:51:42.000 And a lot of it is being, having a society and having a community.
00:51:46.000 And the way you derive a community is you have a back and forth with people.
00:51:50.000 So rats apparently let the other rat, look, you're already tuning out.
00:51:54.000 Rats let the other rat win like 10% of the time or 20% of the time or something. 0.99
00:52:00.000 It was a fucking hour to explain that. 0.99
00:52:02.000 And I was like, Jordy, dude, Kermit, we've got to fucking spice it up in here a little bit. 0.99
00:52:07.000 We're losing the crowd. 0.85
00:52:08.000 He's guilty of that of a little bit.
00:52:11.000 Yeah, like Joe Rogan never loses the crowd.
00:52:14.000 Yeah, you're right.
00:52:15.000 You know what Joe Rogan did though?
00:52:16.000 I went with him to his show.
00:52:18.000 And I was like, let's get beers after. 0.98
00:52:20.000 And he does this fucking thing where he does selfies with absolutely everyone who wants one. 0.98
00:52:27.000 And I'm like, I'm not sitting here for an hour and a half. 0.99
00:52:30.000 And he smiles doing them.
00:52:31.000 I've seen nobody's plus Joe Rogan selfies.
00:52:35.000 And he's always like a genuine smile.
00:52:38.000 I'm not into that.
00:52:39.000 Don't do that. 0.99
00:52:40.000 I fucking hate selfies. 0.99
00:52:42.000 I don't even understand them. 0.99
00:52:44.000 What do they mean?
00:52:44.000 This is me and Joe Rogan.
00:52:47.000 But you're not his friend.
00:52:49.000 I've hung out with Joe Rogan a ton of times.
00:52:51.000 I don't have any pictures with him.
00:52:52.000 You hung out with him for one second and you have a photo.
00:52:56.000 What do you do with that photo?
00:52:57.000 You put it on Facebook?
00:52:58.000 But that's not your friend.
00:53:00.000 You know what it's like to be in the same room as somebody that you wish you knew, like, you took a selfie with?
00:53:05.000 And I've done this too, because I compound.
00:53:06.000 It's like, if I take a photo with that guy, next time he comes in the studio, which he will, I'm... take a photo with you.
00:53:13.000 I know, but why do you even have that desire in the first place?
00:53:16.000 It went away, and it's like, you know...
00:53:18.000 What are you gonna do with it?
00:53:19.000 Tell me what you do with it.
00:53:20.000 You know what it is?
00:53:21.000 Ha ha, look who I met, and you didn't... But you didn't really meet him, you just stood next to him.
00:53:26.000 And if he's in New York City, he's taking the subway, he was next to 10,000 people that day.
00:53:31.000 Well, don't tell me, I mean, I'm not one of those people anymore.
00:53:34.000 You better not.
00:53:35.000 I could take pictures with you all day. 0.99
00:53:37.000 Holy shit, is it 53? 0.99
00:53:39.000 Oh wow, we went way too long. 0.99
00:53:40.000 Alright, we gotta go.
00:53:42.000 We'll see you soon.
00:53:42.000 We like you more than a friend.
00:53:43.000 And we managed to pack 16 celebrities into this episode.
00:53:48.000 You're welcome.