Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - Get Off My Lawn Podcast #103 | How to have a perfect life

00:00:00.000 Alright, I'm going to tell you how to have the perfect life.

00:00:03.000 I'm not saying I'm the master at it by any means.

00:00:06.000 But I do know.

00:00:07.000 This is more of a do as I say, not as I do thing.

00:00:10.000 And learn from my mistakes.

00:00:12.000 But, let's start with being born.

00:00:16.000 How to be born.

00:00:21.000 You're going to want to resist.

00:00:23.000 Don't.

00:00:25.000 It's not that bad.

00:00:27.000 It's cold.

00:00:30.000 It's disarming.

00:00:32.000 But you get to breathe for the first time ever with lungs.

00:00:36.000 So that's cool.

00:00:36.000 No more swimming.

00:00:38.000 And you're going to start to see color.

00:00:40.000 And you've got to understand when you're born, you're not really born.

00:00:44.000 You see, babies come out one trimester early.

00:00:49.000 And they have to come out because we have such big heads.

00:00:51.000 But a horse, when he comes out, he's ready to rock.

00:00:54.000 He just starts walking down the street.

00:00:56.000 That was fun.

00:00:58.000 We come out too early, which is why a lot of tribes and more primitive cultures 1.00

00:01:07.000 Uh, and this isn't a primitive thing to do.

00:01:09.000 We'll wear a papoose, and they'll always have their baby with them at all times, because you kind of are still pregnant. 0.91

00:01:15.000 And that, that's why, by the way, when you're holding a baby and you're trying to keep them from crying, you go, you sort of move around, like side to side, bouncing, right?

00:01:24.000 Just like it was in the womb.

00:01:26.000 And you go, shhhh.

00:01:30.000 That's the sound of the blood, the circulation that they'd hear when they were in the womb.

00:01:35.000 So the way you get a baby to stop freaking out is to simulate the womb. 0.92

00:01:41.000 And that's for the first, that's like the first four months of their life, I think.

00:01:47.000 I can't really remember.

00:01:47.000 I remember the first seven weeks suck when you have a baby.

00:01:52.000 So give up on sleep for seven weeks.

00:01:56.000 Give up on having any kind of sanity for seven weeks.

00:01:59.000 Although when your wife is breastfeeding and the baby wakes up crying, you're sort of like, well, what would you like me to do?

00:02:07.000 Hold your tit and put it in the baby's mouth? 1.00

00:02:10.000 I can't help.

00:02:11.000 I don't have a lot to contribute.

00:02:12.000 If it's, if it's, um,

00:02:15.000 If it's not being breastfed, you gotta get up and make that stuff, that Simulac, whatever it's called.

00:02:22.000 But you should breastfeed. 1.00

00:02:23.000 So wait, we're doing the ideal perfect scenario.

00:02:26.000 So the ideal perfect scenario is first of all, you gotta be born to two parents that are married.

00:02:31.000 And we'll get to who you're gonna choose to marry when you get a little older.

00:02:35.000 You should not get married when you're a newborn baby.

00:02:38.000 You don't know anything about the world and you're definitely gonna choose, you might choose the wrong gender entirely. 1.00

00:02:43.000 You might choose the wrong animal.

00:02:46.000 You might end up marrying like a hamster. 1.00

00:02:49.000 So give that a good 25 years.

00:02:52.000 But your parents should be together and, uh, they should be, they should love each other and, and you should know they're going to stay together.

00:03:01.000 That's a doozy.

00:03:03.000 That I think is the number one factor on how successful you're going to be.

00:03:07.000 Outside of like people say, um, what do they say?

00:03:10.000 They say IQ, um, courage and network, which the way we say that here on this show is

00:03:23.000 We say balls wait brains balls and friends Well, we go we were to name our radio station BB FM because it's it's it's brains balls and friends motherfucker Yeah, but I think that um, I think the network thing comes kind of naturally if you have courage and you're smart because you're just your name gets out there and then people come to you and

00:03:49.000 You know?

00:03:49.000 Yeah, I would say so.

00:03:50.000 I think that, and social media changed that, I think the whole idea of having to go to these things and have a business card.

00:03:57.000 No, I don't know anyone with a business card.

00:04:00.000 I don't have a business card.

00:04:01.000 Do you know me?

00:04:02.000 You have a business card?

00:04:03.000 Yep.

00:04:03.000 Oh yeah, you have that annoying square card.

00:04:05.000 You don't like that?

00:04:06.000 You keep thrusting down everyone's throats.

00:04:08.000 It's cute.

00:04:09.000 No, it's annoying.

00:04:10.000 Okay.

00:04:11.000 Trying to reinvent the wheel is annoying.

00:04:14.000 In that instance.

00:04:15.000 Anyway.

00:04:16.000 Ain't nobody got time for that! 0.99

00:04:19.000 So you want to be breastfed for a year as a baby.

00:04:25.000 And I know sometimes women's nipples bleed. 1.00

00:04:27.000 I know it can be a real pain in the tits.

00:04:31.000 But if it's not ruining your life, moms, you gotta stick it out.

00:04:37.000 It really makes a difference.

00:04:38.000 It makes a difference with intimacy.

00:04:39.000 It's so much healthier for them.

00:04:41.000 You really gotta breastfeed as long as you can. 1.00

00:04:44.000 Like, I've heard of people just canning it after a month.

00:04:48.000 No.

00:04:49.000 It sucks, it hurts, but you gotta do it.

00:04:52.000 The health benefits are too important.

00:04:55.000 And also, if you're a baby, I can't recommend being loved enough.

00:04:59.000 You have to be loved, and

00:05:02.000 By your actual mom, there's something, I don't know, strange.

00:05:06.000 Barbara Ehrenreich has a good book called A Global Woman where she talks about these kids who are raised more by nannies, by strangers, than they are by their own mothers.

00:05:15.000 And then these nannies, they're not seeing their kids back in the Philippines.

00:05:21.000 So these poor countries are outsourcing love.

00:05:25.000 And these nannies, they fall in love with the baby.

00:05:30.000 Like, they love the baby more than their own kids.

00:05:33.000 And then, the next thing you know, the kid has a better relationship with the nanny than the mom.

00:05:40.000 Remember I debated that woman? 0.99

00:05:42.000 The Pie Life, I think?

00:05:44.000 She wrote a book called The Pie Life.

00:05:45.000 And her philosophy was... Where is it now?

00:05:52.000 Yeah, you look it up.

00:05:54.000 She's like a feminist type. 1.00

00:05:57.000 I think it's Pi-P-I. 0.95

00:05:58.000 Or maybe it's P-I-E.

00:06:00.000 Yeah, there it is.

00:06:01.000 P-I-E. 1.00

00:06:06.000 And her contention is, sorry I have cold medicine today, so you may just want to speed this up on your podcast listening device and it'll be a normal paced podcast.

00:06:16.000 But her contention is, yeah, I'm a businesswoman, I don't see my kids from Monday to Thursday, but when they see me on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, they get lots of mom.

00:06:26.000 100% mom.

00:06:26.000 Tons of mom.

00:06:29.000 And I don't agree with her.

00:06:32.000 I think a big role of a parent is just being around, especially with dads.

00:06:38.000 You know, you go up to your daughter and you say, hey, anything goes wrong, I am here for you.

00:06:43.000 I really want to hear about it.

00:06:45.000 We can go.

00:06:46.000 I think a cool idea with a kid is to have a special room where you go, when we're in this room and you have a confession to tell me, you can't get in trouble for it.

00:06:56.000 So say you stole something at school and you're in big, big trouble and you're scared to tell me, then you can come into this room and it's the magic room.

00:07:06.000 And you know when that's especially handy?

00:07:09.000 If a young kid is getting molested, a lot of them think it's their fault and they're going to get in trouble because that's usually what the predator says to them.

00:07:17.000 So when you have the magic room,

00:07:19.000 His lies won't work, because you promised that there'll be no repercussions for this.

00:07:26.000 Now, what if she says, I've been stealing from you for four years, about 20 bucks a day?

00:07:33.000 We could have been in this room talking about this about four years ago.

00:07:36.000 Yeah, you're sitting there going, oh, really?

00:07:40.000 Well, I guess nothing's going to happen to you then.

00:07:44.000 Please stop doing it.

00:07:48.000 Um, that's a really, really good idea.

00:07:50.000 That whole room of safety.

00:07:54.000 Yeah, because especially when girls are approaching adolescence, everything has such weight on it.

00:07:59.000 Gavin, have you ever had, like, bad- What, is this Tucker Carlson now?

00:08:02.000 You call, you say the host's name?

00:08:07.000 Yeah, look, Tucker, what they're trying to do here is something that you know.

00:08:11.000 Gavin, you're absolutely right.

00:08:13.000 That is one of my biggest pet peeves.

00:08:15.000 I'm just hiding how psyched I am to be here by saying your name.

00:08:17.000 You know what it is?

00:08:18.000 It's media consultants.

00:08:20.000 They probably take some little class that their boss makes them take.

00:08:23.000 Make eye contact.

00:08:24.000 Make eye contact.

00:08:25.000 Talk slowly.

00:08:26.000 Don't talk over the host.

00:08:28.000 And say his name once in a while.

00:08:29.000 It makes it look like you guys are friends.

00:08:31.000 They do it on 60 Minutes all the time.

00:08:33.000 Well, Mike, what I want... Oh, you guys are just bros?

00:08:36.000 Ew, imagine that, like, after about three or four times and you get a positive response from saying their name.

00:08:42.000 Try to abbreviate it.

00:08:44.000 Hey, William, how about Bill?

00:08:45.000 Let me call you Bill.

00:08:46.000 Thanks, Tuck.

00:08:47.000 Thanks for having me.

00:08:48.000 Oh, that is cringy.

00:08:52.000 Hey, T, listen.

00:08:53.000 No, but on Tucker's show, they'll do it.

00:08:56.000 Many times in an interview.

00:09:11.000 And you just have some news to drop on people and you're just going to change the whole vibe?

00:09:15.000 Like somebody died news?

00:09:17.000 Or like, just some news that you have to tell people?

00:09:19.000 Well, my report cards were always terrible.

00:09:22.000 And that was like, it was bringing home a cancer diagnosis or something.

00:09:29.000 Like, I'm dying.

00:09:30.000 Yeah, I tried to change mine one time.

00:09:33.000 Oh, that's, I totally condone that.

00:09:35.000 I think school is so overrated and I'm gonna get to that soon.

00:09:39.000 But yeah, all these, especially when you're up to, you know, fourth, fifth grade, all they do is these arts and crafts projects and stuff.

00:09:48.000 It's not like, I bet if you went up to most nine year olds and you said, who's George Washington and what did he do?

00:09:55.000 I bet you would get some of the shittiest responses.

00:09:57.000 He didn't tell a lie.

00:09:59.000 Or even, you know, don't tell me he was the first president of the United States.

00:10:03.000 Tell me about his life or his personality or what you think drove him, you know?

00:10:08.000 Any kind of deeper thinking, big picture stuff.

00:10:12.000 Some insight.

00:10:13.000 Because what they'll say is, wooden teeth, cherry tree, never told a lie.

00:10:18.000 And then they'd say something about a kite and electricity and they'd be wrong.

00:10:22.000 I'd say something about a kike. 1.00

00:10:25.000 First of all, we don't talk like that on the show.

00:10:27.000 I understand.

00:10:27.000 No, no, no.

00:10:28.000 What I said was kite.

00:10:30.000 Oh, did you hear about this guy who's fired for saying coon?

00:10:33.000 No.

00:10:34.000 He's a weatherman.

00:10:35.000 And he was saying, and then of course that'll, that's over there.

00:10:39.000 That same area where you have Dr. Martin Luther King Park.

00:10:44.000 And it was done in the same way you'd stutter.

00:10:48.000 And it's possible, too, that a swear word was in his head, and it trickled out.

00:10:52.000 Like, I heard Shep Smith once talk about Jenny from the block, J-Lo, and he said that she fakes her heritage, and he wanted to say,

00:11:07.000 People from the Bronx would rather give her a snow job or something like that than a blowjob. 1.00

00:11:15.000 What was it now?

00:11:16.000 Fuck, I'm ruining the story.

00:11:17.000 But Shep Smith said, maybe you can find it, but he said something like, they'd be more likely to give her a blowjob than a... And then he had to correct himself and he said, I'm very sorry I said that.

00:11:25.000 Oh yeah.

00:11:27.000 Uh, that was a big mistake.

00:11:28.000 J-Lo's new song, Jenny from the Block, all about Lopez roots, about how she's still a neighborhood gal at heart.

00:11:35.000 But folks from that street in New York, the Bronx section, sound more likely to give her a curb job than a blowjob, or a block party. 1.00

00:11:47.000 I don't think anyone would ever give J-Lo a blowjob.

00:11:51.000 His reaction.

00:11:55.000 Fine.

00:11:59.000 Fine.

00:12:00.000 You don't deserve to be fired, Shep. 0.85

00:12:07.000 That was a dumb mistake.

00:12:08.000 Or I saw another newscaster.

00:12:10.000 She said, uh, you wouldn't want to be doing that around all that Jigaboo. 1.00

00:12:14.000 Yeah.

00:12:14.000 Yeah, I remember that.

00:12:17.000 Maybe she did have a racist word in her head floating around, and it was probably floating around in there as, never ever say this word under any circumstances.

00:12:25.000 But it's still there, right?

00:12:27.000 It's like when someone says, don't think of a monkey right now.

00:12:29.000 Well, that was a bad choice.

00:12:31.000 And don't think of an elephant right now, and you can't not see an elephant in your head.

00:12:35.000 This guy made that mistake and his career's over.

00:12:43.000 I always say this now.

00:12:44.000 This is my new thing.

00:12:45.000 Follow it through.

00:12:46.000 Like, what's your logic?

00:12:48.000 So in their scenario, the ones ruining him, right?

00:12:52.000 They're saying that he's on his show, and he's just like, yeah, so, it's gonna be raining a lot, especially downtown, you know, near Dr. Martin Luther Kuhn King Park.

00:13:04.000 Fuck, I hate that park.

00:13:07.000 What world is that?

00:13:10.000 And the weatherman himself said that, he goes, why would I destroy my entire life for, what are you finding now?

00:13:19.000 I got the Jigaboo clip.

00:13:22.000 I google searched and I spelled anchor wrong but Jigaboo correctly.

00:13:25.000 That is not good.

00:13:26.000 He's just thinking, well I'm not getting fired that's for sure.

00:13:31.000 He's a black guy by the way, so she said that next to her black co-anchor. 0.62

00:13:54.000 I really hope you meant to say hullabaloo.

00:13:57.000 Yes, she did, dude.

00:14:00.000 Or there was the guy, the writer for ESPN who was talking about Jeremy Lin and he mentioned something about their team's chink in the armor.

00:14:09.000 But he, basically he was fired for not being racist because it never occurred to him to call Jeremy Lin a chink.

00:14:20.000 He just meant, and he'd used chink in the army a million times, so for not seeing it,

00:14:27.000 You're a bad guy.

00:14:28.000 And we talked about this before with the little kid wearing the monkey shirt.

00:14:32.000 And his mother goes, what?

00:14:34.000 Why is everyone mad?

00:14:36.000 I put him in that shirt.

00:14:37.000 He's a child model.

00:14:38.000 Are you calling my son a monkey?

00:14:39.000 Yeah, the people that see it, that's the creepy stuff.

00:14:44.000 You're the one seeing this stuff.

00:14:45.000 Anyway.

00:14:46.000 You wanna see that clip of the guy saying Martin Luther Kuhn?

00:14:49.000 Yes!

00:14:50.000 Okay.

00:14:50.000 Wait, stop.

00:14:50.000 I'm hearing two things at once.

00:14:51.000 I'm still hearing... I can't hear anything, dude.

00:14:53.000 Viewers in Rochester, New York were stunned.

00:14:54.000 That was it.

00:15:14.000 Yeah.

00:15:14.000 And you know what else it could have been?

00:15:18.000 He could have heard a horrible joke where they called him Dr. Martin Luther Kuhn and he could have said, that's disgusting, don't ever say that around me again.

00:15:27.000 And then it's in his head.

00:15:29.000 Yeah, you know the things that stick with you, the things that kind of, like, disturb you the most, or, like, rattle you.

00:15:33.000 Sure.

00:15:33.000 Yeah, so, maybe you're right.

00:15:35.000 And, just, the lack of logic that you get from these outraged ninnies. 1.00

00:15:41.000 Like, um, like the whole kids thing with the, uh...

00:15:45.000 Separated at the border.

00:15:47.000 Okay, I understand.

00:15:48.000 It's horrible to see them cry and be separated.

00:15:51.000 Tell me what to do, though.

00:15:53.000 I'm magic.

00:15:54.000 I'm restarting a society from scratch.

00:15:56.000 Does it have no borders?

00:15:57.000 Okay, I understand that.

00:15:59.000 You have to understand, though, in that scenario, there's billions and billions of people who would love to come to America.

00:16:04.000 So, you're ending America.

00:16:07.000 And I've heard that argument.

00:16:08.000 No walls, no borders, no wall, no USA at all. 0.79

00:16:10.000 Okay, I get that.

00:16:11.000 That's an argument.

00:16:12.000 Gotcha.

00:16:14.000 Um, but the other one is, well, do we, like, I have to, when you have people going over your border illegally, like, let's, take America out of it.

00:16:23.000 Say it's Japan, okay?

00:16:25.000 And illegal white guys are going into Japan in droves, in boats. 0.55

00:16:29.000 They can't just let them in, or it'll be endless, so they have to put them in some sort of holding cell area.

00:16:35.000 Um, do the kids go with that person?

00:16:38.000 We can't do that.

00:16:39.000 We can't have kids in an adult prison or holding cell.

00:16:43.000 So we separate and the kids go to a childcare thing.

00:16:48.000 What if someone's dealing coke and they don't have any other family and it's just a guy and his kid and they go selling coke and we catch him, we arrest him.

00:17:00.000 Tell me what to do now.

00:17:02.000 The kid goes to child services.

00:17:04.000 Isn't that what's happening at the border?

00:17:06.000 Or then you say, okay, no we're not saying any of this.

00:17:10.000 We're saying send the family back with the kids.

00:17:14.000 Like ship them back.

00:17:16.000 And that's what we do.

00:17:18.000 Eventually.

00:17:19.000 I might be missing something here.

00:17:21.000 But every time I hear the left say something is terrible, I go, yes, you're correct.

00:17:28.000 It is terrible for a coke dealer to be separated from his firm.

00:17:31.000 I think cocaine should be legalized.

00:17:32.000 But I don't understand what you want me to do.

00:17:36.000 Like, tell me your scenario.

00:17:38.000 So in the weatherman scenario, he just decides to throw out racial epithets in the middle of his meteorology.

00:17:46.000 Meteorology.

00:17:46.000 How do you say that?

00:17:47.000 Nice! 0.94

00:17:49.000 Oh, I don't think I can say that word.

00:17:51.000 Meteorology.

00:17:53.000 Meteorology.

00:17:54.000 Perfect.

00:17:55.000 Better than when I say it.

00:17:56.000 In his meteorology report.

00:17:57.000 He's just gonna throw a word like that?

00:17:59.000 Yeah, it doesn't... the intent should... A super old-timey, like, cowboy, racist word from the 1930s?

00:18:08.000 What's the motive there?

00:18:09.000 Isn't that, in court, you have to have a motive?

00:18:11.000 Yeah, exactly!

00:18:12.000 So, what happens after that?

00:18:14.000 He goes back, the boss goes, dude, that was kind of harsh, man.

00:18:18.000 And then he goes to the bar and they go,

00:18:18.000 But it was funny.

00:18:21.000 Dude, I heard you doing your weather report today.

00:18:23.000 That was badass.

00:18:24.000 I heard it.

00:18:25.000 That was funny, man.

00:18:27.000 What are you going to say next?

00:18:29.000 What's your next one?

00:18:30.000 What's your next racist slur you're going to stuff into?

00:18:33.000 Well, that was why Sam Hyde got fired from Adult Swim.

00:18:37.000 They accused him of secretly hiding swastikas and stuff in the background.

00:18:41.000 And Sam's like, why would I ruin my own show for such a dumb gesture?

00:18:47.000 Yeah.

00:18:48.000 It pissed me off, like, how you see, like, the edited... He worked on these, like, After Effects, like, little bumpers, and they just edited everything out.

00:18:57.000 They just, like, black-barred it.

00:18:59.000 Who did?

00:19:00.000 Adult Swim, like hours before it went live or something like that, they edited all these little screens.

00:19:05.000 They had all this text and little funny things.

00:19:07.000 Because they were worried it was secret codes?

00:19:09.000 Yeah!

00:19:09.000 They just didn't know what it was, so they just blanked everything out.

00:19:11.000 It was crazy.

00:19:12.000 You know, there was one case of someone sneaking secret codes, and it was a cartoonist for, I think, Marvel.

00:19:19.000 And there was a normal, I don't think it was like, Muslim man. 1.00

00:19:24.000 But the illustrator was, and he was putting in these numeric codes, like the address of a building would be some reference to the Quran.

00:19:34.000 I mean, it wasn't trying to radicalize kids or anything, but that's the only time I can think of someone... Yeah, Marvel fired an artist over hidden messages in a comic.

00:19:47.000 Happened in 2001.

00:19:51.000 2001?

00:19:52.000 No, it was way more recent than that.

00:19:53.000 Well, the article was 2017, but in 2001 that's when that happened.

00:19:57.000 Oh, he was doing it in 2001 and they noticed it five years later.

00:20:02.000 Various numbers and symbols in reference to a controversy in the Syaf's home of country of Indonesia involving Christian governor of Jakarta who claimed his opponents were misusing a verse from the Quran.

00:20:12.000 So he was putting some pretty deep

00:20:15.000 It's not like the kids are going to come out becoming subliminal terrorists, especially because not one kid noticed.

00:20:25.000 Even if they broke the code, what are they going to do?

00:20:27.000 Let's get back to life.

00:20:29.000 So, you're a baby, you've been very loved, cherished.

00:20:34.000 I don't really, food is kind of important, but when you're with little kids, they're so picky, you're just trying to get the calories in.

00:20:41.000 So half the shit they eat is beige.

00:20:43.000 Chicken nuggets, fries, they don't really have, I know Jerry Seinfeld's wife did this big book on how to trick them into eating vegetables.

00:20:51.000 As long as they're not obese, or starving, I don't really care too much about food.

00:20:56.000 I just want to get some in there.

00:20:58.000 Like, half the time they won't eat their dinner and then I'll see them eating those goldfish or something later on, or popcorn.

00:21:05.000 And the way that so much food today is made from corn anyway, like McDonald's hamburgers I think, well they've got soy in them, but then the buns have tons of corn.

00:21:16.000 It's cornity corn, corn, corn.

00:21:17.000 Yeah.

00:21:18.000 So, alright.

00:21:19.000 As long as you're not starving, that's... So how are we doing now?

00:21:22.000 We're now up to about two or three.

00:21:24.000 I wouldn't foist any gender crap on them and say, do you feel like a boy or do you feel like a girl?

00:21:32.000 If your boy wants to wear dresses, he's likely going to grow up gay. 1.00

00:21:35.000 That's not a big deal.

00:21:39.000 Don't worry about it.

00:21:41.000 If your girl

00:21:42.000 If your girl's a tomboy, I don't think, I shouldn't say that he's going to grow up gay or she's going to grow up to be a lesbian, but there's a chance of that and you may notice it early and I would totally and utterly ignore it. 1.00

00:21:55.000 If they're getting bullied in school that's another thing, but I've always said one of your goals with having kids and as far as knowing about all the things we fight about, you want to prolong the Santa thing for as long as possible?

00:22:09.000 You want them to not know what race is.

00:22:13.000 Here's a great, if your son says, it's weird how a lot of my friends have black skin.

00:22:18.000 Why do all my friends have black skin? 1.00

00:22:20.000 I love that.

00:22:21.000 That means you're a good dad.

00:22:23.000 You know, not because your friends, your kid hangs out with black people, but because he's not familiar with all the terms and he just goes, wow, that guy is darker and his hair is curlier than my other friends.

00:22:34.000 So you've removed race from the equation and he just sees people as people.

00:22:38.000 That's another one you want.

00:22:40.000 Sex, you want to avoid that as much as possible.

00:22:45.000 Sometimes with movies, when I look at the parental IMDB, I'm more concerned with the sex than the violence.

00:22:53.000 Because the violence sometimes, you're not going to let them watch horror movies, but it's so absurd.

00:22:57.000 And it's easy to tell a kid, that's not a real arm that came off.

00:23:01.000 That was a prosthetic.

00:23:02.000 It's special effects.

00:23:03.000 And you can show them on YouTube special effects.

00:23:05.000 I'm kind of jumping up ahead.

00:23:07.000 In years, a little bit.

00:23:07.000 But sex?

00:23:09.000 I don't know.

00:23:10.000 I want to push that off until there's a remote possibility they could be having it.

00:23:15.000 But before that, sex, sexuality... I mean, you can tell them who a gay guy is, and if you have gay neighbors over, where's their wives? 0.63

00:23:24.000 Are they just good friends?

00:23:25.000 That's fine.

00:23:25.000 They're gay.

00:23:27.000 But, uh... Like, the penis?

00:23:30.000 And I gotta be honest, as a 48-year-old, I still think it's weird.

00:23:34.000 What is sex?

00:23:35.000 Blood rushes to your penis, which then becomes pretty much, uh, as hard as, well, not at my age, but it used to be called a wood for a good reason. 0.97

00:23:47.000 And then it goes in and out.

00:23:49.000 And then your, your wife has the opposite genitalia. 1.00

00:23:52.000 She has a hole. 1.00

00:23:54.000 And then this turgid organ, um, goes into the hole.

00:24:01.000 And that would be weird enough.

00:24:02.000 Okay.

00:24:02.000 Got it.

00:24:02.000 And then sperm comes out.

00:24:04.000 No, no, no, no.

00:24:06.000 You have to pump it around for a bunch and maybe do other weird stuff and say strange things and move around all over the place.

00:24:14.000 And then eventually this strange juice shoots out into her or maybe on her butt or something. 0.98

00:24:21.000 Like if I explain that to an alien, I go, this is good.

00:24:24.000 You got to hear me out.

00:24:26.000 This is going to sound insane.

00:24:27.000 But if your kids ask that, and they might ask around seven or eight, this is what you say.

00:24:34.000 You say, the daddy gives the mommy, the daddy gives the mommy something from, they hug, and the daddy gives the mommy something from his body that makes her able to have a baby.

00:24:46.000 And then I think they sort of go, uh, that sounds fucking freaky, I'm going to drop it.

00:24:50.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:24:51.000 Like, they don't go, what exactly do they use?

00:24:54.000 They just go, already mommy and daddy together with babies, with bodies exchanging things is like, bleh.

00:25:00.000 It's gross and boring.

00:25:01.000 I've heard enough.

00:25:02.000 Yeah.

00:25:03.000 And you're right, kids.

00:25:04.000 It is weird.

00:25:07.000 Alright, so now we're up to like six.

00:25:09.000 Oh, and the perfect family, by the way, is I think three to five kids each two years apart.

00:25:19.000 There was an old saying I find very offensive, but it was, one is for losers, two is for fags, three is the bare minimum.

00:25:28.000 I don't approve of that horrible epithet in the middle of it, but I do agree with the sentiment.

00:25:34.000 Three, I wish I had five, but I started way too late, and we'll get to that in a second.

00:25:39.000 And here's another thing, they should be two years apart.

00:25:42.000 If you wait too long,

00:25:44.000 They have trouble getting along.

00:25:47.000 I've got two years apart and then the third one was four or five years apart.

00:25:52.000 And so he's sort of like, we'll be at the dinner table talking and he has no idea where we're going with this.

00:26:00.000 And then he's also trying to keep up and saying things like, I like potatoes, but they're not my potential.

00:26:07.000 I'm actually writing a book of these quotes because there's so many good ones.

00:26:10.000 Yeah.

00:26:11.000 There was like a bunch on the car ride from Vermont to Vermont.

00:26:14.000 Yeah.

00:26:15.000 What was that one?

00:26:16.000 Imagine a dog was peeing and you shoved him and then you got pee on you.

00:26:19.000 That would be funny.

00:26:21.000 He said that?

00:26:21.000 No, I think he said that'd be fun.

00:26:23.000 That'd be fun.

00:26:23.000 I remember him saying, um, wish a wish.

00:26:28.000 Well, yeah, he said there should be a commercial that says, it's time to make your wish.

00:26:33.000 Make a wish.

00:26:34.000 And Dream Your Dream was another one?

00:26:36.000 Oh yeah.

00:26:37.000 It's actually pretty profound.

00:26:38.000 Some of them are good.

00:26:39.000 My favorite one, I think this will be the cover of the book.

00:26:42.000 What's blue?

00:26:44.000 What's round?

00:26:46.000 What?

00:26:47.000 A butt cheek wearing blue pants.

00:26:50.000 That's genius.

00:26:51.000 I know, and I love how he says what.

00:26:53.000 That's Steven Wright material right there.

00:26:57.000 What is blue?

00:26:58.000 Oh no, that's Mitch Hedberg.

00:26:59.000 That's Mitch Hedberg.

00:27:01.000 A butt with blue pants on it!

00:27:09.000 So, we're getting a gang together at this point.

00:27:13.000 We got about five kids and we've been following the toddler, but ideally this toddler who's five has a seven-year-old, an eight, nine-year-old, a ten, eleven-year-old, maybe even a

00:27:24.000 12 13 year old so that's a good little crew you got there and even on a rainy day It's gonna be kind of fun doing stuff hide-and-seek gets really intense although the dog Ruins that I don't recommend a dog

00:27:37.000 You're just cleaning up feces and it's not natural for it to be all cooped up.

00:27:41.000 If you're in a rural environment and the dog can run free and he's gone for hours and fights a raccoon, I think that's awesome.

00:27:47.000 But just this little prison that they're in where you either keep them in the kitchen, where you can clean their piss and shit, or you'll just find shit and piss somewhere.

00:27:56.000 Yeah, but you're not walking them enough.

00:27:58.000 Yes, that's valid.

00:27:59.000 But even when you do get three walks in a day with a tiny dog, there's still gonna be accidents, and it's so hard to get the piss off.

00:28:06.000 I regret it.

00:28:06.000 I wish my dog wouldn't... I wish my dog would fall in love with another dog, get married, and just move out.

00:28:13.000 So the kids wouldn't cry, and I wouldn't be the bad guy.

00:28:16.000 I'd just be like, he grew up!

00:28:18.000 What am I supposed to do?

00:28:20.000 We have empty nest.

00:28:23.000 So, now you got a gang.

00:28:24.000 Now here's where it gets crucial.

00:28:28.000 Playing.

00:28:29.000 And I think it's important not to be too rich and not to be too poor.

00:28:36.000 I know that sounds really obvious, but both of those guys don't tend to have a very good childhood.

00:28:42.000 With the two poor kids, he tends not to have a dad.

00:28:46.000 There's not a lot of discipline in the house.

00:28:48.000 There's a lot of sitting at home and watching TV, eating shitty food.

00:28:52.000 Boredom.

00:28:53.000 I think boredom leads to crime as much as many other things.

00:28:59.000 And with the rich, there's lots of play, but it's monitored play.

00:29:04.000 So it's this sports team and that lacrosse team and this has to go there.

00:29:08.000 And even at practice, you have parents, and I've done this, watching the kids practice.

00:29:14.000 And there's just something weird about watching kids do jumping jacks and run relays and stuff.

00:29:19.000 What am I doing?

00:29:21.000 I'm watching a kid play.

00:29:23.000 So they should be free to go.

00:29:26.000 And the funny thing is we don't do that anymore.

00:29:28.000 And the middle class kids, I don't think they hop on their bikes the way they did when I was a kid. 0.72

00:29:34.000 They've got their helmets on.

00:29:35.000 And with all this fear, all this safety mongering, you've got kids at home playing video games.

00:29:41.000 And I think it links to the obesity epidemic.

00:29:43.000 And it's also killing their economic libido.

00:29:47.000 It's making them less adventurous, which hurts them later on in life when they'd want to start a business because it makes them pussies. 1.00

00:29:55.000 They need to be getting up to mischief.

00:29:58.000 They need to be getting in trouble.

00:30:00.000 You know, the guy I bought my house from, he told me that they would go to a park with walkie-talkies, and they would call the cops on themselves.

00:30:08.000 And then the cop would be looking for those goddamn kids.

00:30:11.000 Because they would call and go, there's a bunch of kids in the park.

00:30:15.000 It's after hours.

00:30:16.000 It's after dark.

00:30:17.000 And I think they should be taken care of.

00:30:19.000 And the cop's like, finally, I got something to do.

00:30:22.000 And he runs out and he's just chasing them and they're running from him.

00:30:25.000 That's fun.

00:30:26.000 That's fun!

00:30:26.000 Yeah.

00:30:27.000 That is actually fun.

00:30:29.000 I had this fantasy before I had kids that I'd have six boys and they will have stolen a tractor and they have leather jackets on not like motorcycle jackets but like the kind Germans wear just like with a collar and stuff normal black leather jackets and white t-shirts and sort of scruffy hair and they're all at our big long dining table in the basement that's like this doesn't exist but I'm saying in my in my fantasy and I'm sort of pacing back and forth because they're in big trouble and they're paying the farmer for that tractor oh I see yeah but I'm secretly 0.69

00:30:58.000 I'm kind of impressed and thrilled that they had the balls to hotwire a tractor and drive it into a swamp.

00:31:06.000 They're all sitting there, like, one hand is leaning out, like, their head is leaning on one hand, they're slumped down, they're like, they're watching you as you walk by.

00:31:13.000 Oh, they're staring ahead.

00:31:14.000 They're in big, big trouble.

00:31:15.000 I don't, I'm, in this fantasy, they're not like, what are you gonna do, old man?

00:31:18.000 Well, one guy's like, Dad, it's not like that guy was doing anything with it.

00:31:23.000 And the other brother's like, dude, shut up.

00:31:24.000 We're in trouble, dude.

00:31:26.000 No, no, there's no giggling.

00:31:26.000 Yeah.

00:31:31.000 So you, you want to get to an area where they're playing.

00:31:35.000 And I, I didn't know, I didn't realize when I had kids, this would be such a challenge.

00:31:40.000 I think you got to make sure the neighborhood you live in is either South of the Mason Dixon line, where I believe that kind of jumping on your bike still exists, or lower middle-class neighborhoods.

00:31:52.000 Too poor, and there's not enough discipline or curfews.

00:31:56.000 Too rich, and it's too regimented.

00:31:58.000 Now, let me tell you a horrible story about this.

00:32:01.000 That, that has a silver lining.

00:32:03.000 When I was a kid, there was this girl named Kim and she told me when she was, uh, when we were teenagers, she told me about the story from about when she was a kid and they would go wandering out into the woods.

00:32:12.000 And one time they played doctor and, uh, she was, she got naked and laid down on some piece of plywood or something. 0.92

00:32:20.000 And she was being examined and there was girls and boys there.

00:32:22.000 They're probably all eight or something.

00:32:25.000 Um, and they started biting her. 1.00

00:32:28.000 Some of them bit her kind of hard.

00:32:30.000 Now that's obviously not good, but Kim learned a lesson there. 0.99

00:32:38.000 She learned not to leave yourself vulnerable.

00:32:41.000 She learned that people can go dark and you can't necessarily trust everyone.

00:32:46.000 Uh, I'm not saying, you know, kids should be taught distrust, but kids need to be taught.

00:32:53.000 Oh, and she was a child of a single parent, by the way.

00:32:55.000 Kids need to be taught that there's danger out there.

00:33:00.000 And, you know, you gotta watch yourself.

00:33:02.000 And that's why I think it's good to fight.

00:33:04.000 When we were kids, we would fight all the time.

00:33:07.000 Fist fight.

00:33:08.000 And it was a big deal.

00:33:09.000 It wasn't something you wanted to do, but you would have to go and fight at the schoolyard if there was this to resolve a conflict.

00:33:15.000 And that taught you a lot.

00:33:17.000 And I think it's natural for young boys to want to have the odd fist fight.

00:33:20.000 Yeah, it teaches you respect, too.

00:33:22.000 And your fucking, your testosterone, now we're jumping up to adolescence, is coursing through your veins.

00:33:28.000 Like, one of the reasons I loved punk so much when I was a teenager is because I had all this pent-up frustration, and I think a mosh pit is surprisingly healthy. 1.00

00:33:38.000 I think that the good that mosh pits do and slam dancing should be studied by some sort of health center.

00:33:46.000 And there was a lot of camaraderie.

00:33:47.000 The Nazi skinheads would come and punch us sometimes as we got to the edge.

00:33:51.000 They'd stand on the perimeter and shove people.

00:33:53.000 But there's this thing you do where when someone's down you scoop them up.

00:33:56.000 Oh yeah.

00:33:57.000 Always.

00:33:58.000 Almost without exception.

00:33:59.000 Yeah, all these little rules.

00:34:01.000 We were such dorks that we would start messing with people and we would keep falling on purpose.

00:34:07.000 Just to get picked up and cared about?

00:34:09.000 Yeah, so we just kept tripping and falling and pretending that we fell just to annoy people.

00:34:13.000 Oh man.

00:34:18.000 Yeah, I think play is so much more important than school.

00:34:22.000 And there's so much more that can be learned from just in the woods messing around.

00:34:26.000 And that's what I love about these Northern Europeans and their forest kindergarten, where kids don't have a classroom. 0.93

00:34:32.000 And I think this can go up to fifth grade.

00:34:35.000 And they just climb trees and climb trees high and they have knives.

00:34:40.000 They have a six year old with a knife who's carving something.

00:34:44.000 I think that should go to maybe 12 years old.

00:34:48.000 Just a huge giant park.

00:34:49.000 These kids are out there in the rain.

00:34:51.000 You know what they do now with recess?

00:34:53.000 It's down to one and I think it's about 20 minutes in a lot of schools.

00:34:58.000 We had a recess and then we had an hour

00:35:01.000 And then we had another, the other recesses were 15 minutes each.

00:35:05.000 But 20 fucking minutes?

00:35:07.000 I remember de Blasio was saying, we think there should be after-school programs to help get kids educated.

00:35:12.000 He's trying to get his numbers up because the grades in New York public schools are some of the worst in the Northern Hemisphere.

00:35:22.000 But he was saying, we need after-school programs.

00:35:24.000 Let's get them in there till maybe five or six.

00:35:26.000 You know, save money on daycare and stuff and the parents can work. 0.72

00:35:31.000 Having a child, a 10 year old child, sitting in a goddamn chair from 9 to 6 with one 20 minute break.

00:35:39.000 It's just so unnatural.

00:35:41.000 Yeah.

00:35:42.000 You hang around kids.

00:35:43.000 You know my kids.

00:35:44.000 You see the way they go screaming, running around.

00:35:47.000 When we were skiing, no one was remotely tired.

00:35:49.000 They didn't want to stop.

00:35:51.000 Johnny wanted to go the next day when we were leaving to try to get a few runs in.

00:35:54.000 He's five.

00:35:55.000 Cold doesn't exist.

00:35:57.000 It just doesn't.

00:35:58.000 It's not a factor.

00:35:59.000 Oh, that's a weird thing as a little side note.

00:36:02.000 What's this trend with kids where they don't want to wear a coat or they'll insist on wearing shorts when it's 30 degrees?

00:36:10.000 It drives me insane.

00:36:11.000 I don't understand it now.

00:36:12.000 I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm wearing a sweatshirt, I'm fine.

00:36:14.000 And I go, it's 20 degrees out.

00:36:16.000 And then they're at the thing we're going to and he's just shivering.

00:36:19.000 I'm like, this is what I said would happen!

00:36:21.000 I know what weather is!

00:36:23.000 We have to actually draw a line in the sand and say, if it's under 45, I'm not arguing with you about shorts or coats.

00:36:29.000 They're both going on.

00:36:32.000 20, we gotta get into hats.

00:36:35.000 A lot of kids at school, a lot of 10-year-olds are walking around the winter with shorts and I don't... Are you trying to show off that you can take cold?

00:36:43.000 I don't get it.

00:36:43.000 I don't get the point.

00:36:44.000 I don't think it was because I remember my motors were just like... So you did this too?

00:36:47.000 Yeah, I just didn't like extra clothes.

00:36:50.000 You know, it just felt bulky.

00:36:51.000 You don't want to wear snow pants.

00:36:53.000 I get how those are humiliating, but shorts?

00:36:57.000 Is that showing off?

00:36:58.000 Yeah, after a certain point, perhaps, because I think it's built off the reaction.

00:37:02.000 They're like, whoa, you're just wearing that?

00:37:04.000 And you're like, yeah, I could even wear less than this.

00:37:06.000 It is kind of showing off-y.

00:37:08.000 From seven, five, maybe even five, to...

00:37:15.000 12, 13, you should be outside as much as humanly possible.

00:37:18.000 Your parents should not know what you're up to.

00:37:20.000 You should vanish.

00:37:21.000 You come back for lunch.

00:37:23.000 You should be wolfing down your cereal on Saturday morning.

00:37:27.000 Well, you can watch some cartoons.

00:37:29.000 But after that, you should not be able to wait to get out of the house.

00:37:32.000 Now, I have to push them out of the house with this damn Fortnite shit.

00:37:36.000 You know that video game thing I was about to say too?

00:37:39.000 It's like the goal is so like laid out like you just you plug in the game And then you know it tells you exactly what to do.

00:37:45.000 There's only one goal

00:37:47.000 You know, and then there's no room for creativity or problem-solving.

00:37:51.000 And I just remember, like, going out in the snow... This is Fortnite you're talking about?

00:37:54.000 Yeah.

00:37:54.000 Or any video game.

00:37:55.000 There's no... You can't apply your own problem-solving to it and be creative, so... But if you look outside, we used to build these big igloos, me and, like, four other friends, and then my parents would just look outside, and I couldn't even imagine being them looking out, and you see, like, a fucking snow fortress.

00:38:10.000 These kids made that?

00:38:11.000 I remember that with tunnels and stuff.

00:38:13.000 Yeah, we'd have little rooms inside that it was insanity Actually, we had like a hot cocoa room where you drink hot cocoa It's just in that room.

00:38:22.000 Yeah, cuz it was like a higher ceiling so it wouldn't be melty Just you know, it was awesome

00:38:27.000 I remember being on jumps there was this motocross bike it was I think it was pre-bmx bikes and it was made to look I've talked about it before I've written about it actually it's made to look like a motorcycle and it had shocks on the front and the back

00:38:44.000 And the tires were so knobby.

00:38:45.000 It was meant to look like a dirt bike.

00:38:47.000 The tires were so knobby that it would sort of purr when you drove down the street.

00:38:51.000 This would be from the 1970s.

00:38:53.000 I'm old.

00:38:55.000 And, uh, that's why I called mine the Tiger.

00:38:58.000 You always gotta name your bike as a kid.

00:39:01.000 If it's green, call it a pickle.

00:39:03.000 Um, no, don't write bike, write bicycle.

00:39:07.000 Because they're going to think motorbike.

00:39:09.000 It even had a gas tank.

00:39:11.000 It had a big yellow gas tank that obviously you didn't put anything in, but just to make it look more like a motorbike.

00:39:16.000 So we would make these jumps.

00:39:17.000 And of course, no helmets for miles.

00:39:20.000 If you wore a helmet when I was a kid, you would get the crap beaten out of you.

00:39:25.000 And you would just, you'd hit a jump.

00:39:27.000 And I could be misremembering this.

00:39:29.000 I remember being in the air for about an hour and a half.

00:39:33.000 It was like going to LaGuardia.

00:39:35.000 You took a flight.

00:39:37.000 You would go flying so high and everyone would go, holy shit.

00:39:46.000 That's unimaginable today.

00:39:47.000 If I, if I was walking down the street and in the suburbs and I saw kids had set up a jump with cinder blocks and plywood and stuff, I think I would have a heart attack.

00:39:58.000 We used to go lugeing around the jackass era.

00:40:01.000 Uh, we were on our skateboards.

00:40:02.000 How old would you be at this age?

00:40:04.000 This was like a sixth to seventh grade.

00:40:07.000 And then me and my buddy would just eat shit all day, just over and over again.

00:40:11.000 Yes!

00:40:12.000 Just fall and like you'd bail because you were going way too fast.

00:40:15.000 And then you would hit the grass sometimes, you'd fly off that.

00:40:18.000 It would just be mayhem.

00:40:19.000 We replaced bloody knees with obesities.

00:40:22.000 That's pretty good.

00:40:23.000 Thanks.

00:40:23.000 Is that Nas?

00:40:25.000 Yeah, he's really worried about obesity in America.

00:40:33.000 And it's crazy, it's such a struggle, but... How are we doing for time?

00:40:37.000 Because I'm only at about 8, 9, 10 years old.

00:40:39.000 40 minutes in.

00:40:40.000 Okay.

00:40:43.000 We may have to stop this.

00:40:44.000 Anyway!

00:40:45.000 Two-parter?

00:40:46.000 So, um...

00:40:48.000 You're a kid, you're having fun, you're getting into trouble, you're learning lessons, you're getting into a fight.

00:40:52.000 It's very healthy for kids to get into fights.

00:40:54.000 And the way, I think there's a lot of this war on boys thing going on where the schools penalize them for being rambunctious and they say, but we will renege this if you go in and get diagnosed with ADHD.

00:41:11.000 And so they go, well, I don't want my son to have bad grades, which I don't think it matters.

00:41:18.000 And then he goes to a psychologist or whatever they're called, and then they go, yeah, your son has ADHD.

00:41:27.000 Okay, so he needs Ritalin for that, or Adderall or something, and then the next thing you know, the kids have a drug addiction.

00:41:36.000 Adderall, I've done it.

00:41:38.000 It's a wild ride.

00:41:40.000 You do, like, people are doing 60, 80 milligrams.

00:41:43.000 If I do 5 milligrams at 7 in the morning, I'm tossing and turning that night, having trouble getting to bed.

00:41:49.000 I can't get to bed without whiskey if I have an Adderall.

00:41:52.000 Just can't.

00:41:56.000 So, and the school, like, what do you learn in school?

00:41:59.000 You're not paying attention.

00:42:01.000 It's not like the 1830s where everyone had to learn, it was a big deal to learn how to read.

00:42:05.000 I think that might be it, in the middle, second, yeah, that one.

00:42:09.000 Yeah, that looks like it.

00:42:15.000 The motorbike.

00:42:15.000 Does it say what it's called?

00:42:17.000 It's called the Motocross, and it has a six on it.

00:42:20.000 What muscle bike did you have as a kid?

00:42:22.000 Oh, they were called muscle bikes.

00:42:23.000 That's cool.

00:42:24.000 That's pretty cool.

00:42:27.000 So, there's so much onus on school and education.

00:42:31.000 You know what?

00:42:32.000 If you're smart, you're gonna get into a good school.

00:42:34.000 You don't need to have straight A's in, you know, fifth grade.

00:42:40.000 And they get taught so much crap.

00:42:42.000 And the teachers have become so lazy with this.

00:42:45.000 All these different scams where they don't have to work.

00:42:47.000 Like this thing about public speaking.

00:42:49.000 It's very important everyone knows how to do public speaking.

00:42:52.000 Why?

00:42:53.000 Think of your job, adult.

00:42:55.000 How many of you are great orators there?

00:42:58.000 Most of you are just nose to the grindstone, and there's the one sales guy who goes, the Tim Cook, who goes out there and goes, okay guys, I got it.

00:43:05.000 I'm gonna sell it.

00:43:06.000 All right, thanks.

00:43:07.000 I'll tell you how it goes.

00:43:08.000 Okay, best of luck.

00:43:10.000 Not everyone has to be good at public speaking, but I think the reason they do this is so 30 kids, they can manage to squeeze in about three presentations a day,

00:43:21.000 Right?

00:43:21.000 So that's ten days.

00:43:22.000 You don't have to do any work.

00:43:25.000 And there's all the gearing up for that speech.

00:43:28.000 And they do this thing where they have the other students mark them.

00:43:31.000 The other students rate them.

00:43:33.000 So they don't even have to do the marking.

00:43:36.000 And these are people who get off two months in the summer and another two months throughout the year.

00:43:41.000 I've pitched about teachers a million times.

00:43:43.000 But what I'm just, what I'm trying to say is it's not like they're going to this incredible institution that's enriching their lives.

00:43:48.000 No, they're just sitting in a chair learning a bunch of crap about how, you know,

00:43:54.000 America has a troubled past, and we should feel really bad.

00:43:59.000 So, more play, more free play.

00:44:02.000 I would argue, by the way, that the best childhood in the history of childhoods was 1950s South Brooklyn.

00:44:09.000 Not even that far south, like what's called Red Hook now.

00:44:12.000 That area, yes, you'd see the odd dead body from the mob, but those, and they were pretty multicultural neighborhoods.

00:44:19.000 Black, Irish,

00:44:22.000 Italian.

00:44:23.000 The Bronx, before Robert Moses destroyed it, was a beautiful place to raise a kid in the 30s and 40s and 50s.

00:44:31.000 Post-World War II.

00:44:32.000 Let's say post-World War II.

00:44:34.000 So from 1945 to, say, I don't know, you could even go up to the 1980s, I'd say.

00:44:40.000 And kids would just go out and play stickball.

00:44:43.000 All day.

00:44:43.000 And another thing that I've, because I was obsessed with this for a long time because I was so jealous that they got this perfect education and my kids aren't going to get that.

00:44:51.000 Not education, sorry, childhood.

00:44:53.000 You'd see a kid, maybe you'd see a seven year old slap a five year old.

00:44:59.000 Some random mother would come on and go, what the hell's the matter with you? 1.00

00:45:02.000 Then she'd slap him. 0.89

00:45:03.000 Don't you dare slap that kid.

00:45:05.000 You apologize to him right now.

00:45:07.000 So the whole community policed itself and each other and it wasn't suing and it wasn't calling the police and it wasn't getting a form and it wasn't being expelled.

00:45:17.000 It was, it was anarchy in a, in a good way.

00:45:20.000 It was a, an anarchist commune.

00:45:22.000 Yeah.

00:45:23.000 That was very fun growing up in the Bronx.

00:45:25.000 A lot of climbing fences and running places.

00:45:28.000 Oh, so you still, when were you like a little kid?

00:45:31.000 I moved up here in fourth grade, so a pretty substantial amount of growing in the city, and then I would still go back there.

00:45:38.000 Right.

00:45:38.000 But I changed school districts in fourth grade.

00:45:40.000 So you guys would just vanish?

00:45:42.000 Oh yeah!

00:45:43.000 Yeah, we'd go to different sections of the Bronx.

00:45:45.000 But wait a minute, you were the child of a single mom, so at the beginning of this I said, that's a little too poor.

00:45:50.000 That's getting dangerous.

00:45:52.000 Yeah, I guess there was some danger there, but I kept good company, and our friends were

00:45:58.000 Mostly good guys and we just went around buying candy on our bikes and stuff we go to different places and Climb fences.

00:46:05.000 Oh and a fun thing would you do is you play tag and then like in the stairwell?

00:46:09.000 You'd run you'd be jumping leaping down full flights of stairs.

00:46:13.000 That was always funny.

00:46:13.000 I'm not against organized sports I think it's really cool, and I love my kids teams, and I love watching their games.

00:46:19.000 That's awesome It's fun, but now it's getting the point where that is getting darn close to a hundred percent of the time they play

00:46:27.000 I mean, they also shoot basketball, I guess.

00:46:30.000 Sometimes.

00:46:31.000 It's just, it ain't what it used to be.

00:46:33.000 So, alright, so now we're into 1213.

00:46:36.000 Now here's an important thing I think we need to know.

00:46:40.000 You need to know.

00:46:42.000 Video games are fun!

00:46:44.000 It's cool.

00:46:45.000 Superheroes are cool too.

00:46:47.000 Superheroes make you, especially if you feel weak like you're a little kid and everyone else is growing faster than you, it's cool to fantasize that you're secretly Spider-Man and you could secretly beat them all up.

00:46:57.000 I appreciate that.

00:46:59.000 But that's for little kids.

00:47:02.000 When you are 14, you start getting hormones, you start growing pubes, you're interested in girls.

00:47:09.000 Put away the video games, you fucking infant.

00:47:15.000 The average vid- and that includes you, Ryan.

00:47:18.000 I don't play a lot of video games at all.

00:47:20.000 Oh, I'm a bad cowboy.

00:47:21.000 No, I'm a good cowboy.

00:47:23.000 Oh.

00:47:23.000 Yeah.

00:47:24.000 He's a good cowboy in Red Dead Redemption.

00:47:25.000 You have to have some decency, because...

00:47:28.000 The average video game player is 34.

00:47:30.000 What a disgusting, pathetic waste of time.

00:47:33.000 And the hours they put in, like six hours, sometimes the entire weekend playing these games.

00:47:39.000 Grown men, men my age, play video games all weekend.

00:47:44.000 And there's a million repairs that need to be done in your house.

00:47:48.000 There's a loose doorknob.

00:47:49.000 There's a pane of glass that's got a crack in it you've got to fix.

00:47:52.000 There's so much self-improvement that needs to be done.

00:47:55.000 There's hanging out with your kids, going on a walk with them, going to play catch with your boy.

00:48:01.000 But just sitting there going, psew, psew, psew.

00:48:04.000 And they'll play games where they're superheroes. 0.86

00:48:08.000 Another thing that drives me nuts about grown men, wearing a Wolverine shirt.

00:48:12.000 You like Wolverine, sir?

00:48:15.000 What do you like about him?

00:48:16.000 Or the stupid Superman tattoo that a lot of people have?

00:48:19.000 Or they'll just have a Superman shirt on?

00:48:21.000 Or a grown man in a Batman shirt?

00:48:23.000 A lot of those.

00:48:24.000 What is that?

00:48:24.000 I don't know.

00:48:25.000 I'm Batman.

00:48:27.000 Okay, I'm not Batman, but I would love to be.

00:48:30.000 You'd love to be a billionaire who has all these cool cars in a cave?

00:48:35.000 That's a kid's fantasy.

00:48:37.000 That's not a grown man's fantasy.

00:48:39.000 I'm a Batman guy.

00:48:40.000 Do you sit and read comic books?

00:48:43.000 That's not acceptable.

00:48:46.000 Superhero comic books, that is.

00:48:47.000 Graphic novels can be an interesting way to consume art, but that's different.

00:48:51.000 You're not pretending that you could beat someone up because you're Superman.

00:48:56.000 Well, you see action movies all the time, Gavin.

00:48:58.000 Yes, I take my kids there.

00:49:01.000 If I got time to see a movie, I don't want to watch some flying magic man who knocks out the bad guys.

00:49:10.000 This is part of my subtext here.

00:49:13.000 The childhood part of this discussion is we need less safety, more danger.

00:49:18.000 And then when you get older and adolescence, you need

00:49:23.000 To grow up.

00:49:25.000 And part of that is getting a job.

00:49:26.000 This is another bad thing about being rich is kids don't work.

00:49:32.000 And if you're rich, you should, I would pay a gas station to give my kids a job. 1.00

00:49:38.000 And I say, I'll just handle the salary.

00:49:40.000 Don't you worry about it.

00:49:41.000 It's an internship.

00:49:43.000 There's so much you learn at work.

00:49:45.000 And I remember when my brother was a kid.

00:49:47.000 And he worked at this gas station.

00:49:49.000 He was probably about 12.

00:49:49.000 No, not 12.

00:49:51.000 He must have been 14.

00:49:53.000 And his marks would go up when he was working and go down when he wasn't.

00:50:00.000 It's like if you want something done, ask someone busy.

00:50:06.000 There's so much that goes on with teen jobs, where you learn about how the government works, you learn about tax, you learn about debt collections, like say you're cleaning pools, you're going back to their houses to get their money, even a paper route, you're learning tons and tons of stuff.

00:50:24.000 I had a gig, it was just for one day, me, my girlfriend Imani, and her other girlfriend, and my other guy friend, we were just bagging groceries at the C-Town, like the local supermarket, and they just let us do that, and then we got all the tips, and then we got a lot of tips.

00:50:40.000 Because people saw cute little neighborhood kids.

00:50:42.000 And we didn't need like a special shirt or to sign any forms.

00:50:45.000 I feel like today you wouldn't be able to get away with that.

00:50:46.000 Camaraderie!

00:50:47.000 Riffs!

00:50:48.000 We were just working.

00:50:49.000 We just worked that day.

00:50:50.000 And then we took the money and we bought stuff with it.

00:50:52.000 We did some stuff I'm not proud of.

00:50:54.000 I did do a lot of stealing from the vegetarian stores I worked in when I was an older punk. 0.58

00:50:59.000 I did set up shop wearing a parka in the freezer and would make people... I had a dessert store.

00:51:07.000 So people would come in and I'd go, try this.

00:51:10.000 So this is called a strawberry daiquiri, and that's whipped cream, chocolate chips, and I would just make these, invent these little treats for people using the food because the owner would never come into the freezing cold fridge.

00:51:21.000 Oh, that's great.

00:51:21.000 So it's just like the treat shack.

00:51:23.000 What the fuck?

00:51:25.000 That is so weird but so funny.

00:51:26.000 Me and my friend did something very similar.

00:51:28.000 We lived like in the boonies at this time.

00:51:30.000 Like my friend lived even more outside of the town than I did.

00:51:33.000 So it was like one straight road, a couple of houses spattered here and there.

00:51:38.000 And we're just waiting for like, you know, wives to be jogging past or something.

00:51:41.000 And we made these pop-tarts with like whipped cream and just other sweet shit.

00:51:45.000 And we're like, here, do you want to try some of this?

00:51:46.000 We made this.

00:51:49.000 And we were, like, way too old to be doing that.

00:51:50.000 It was about, like, 7th to 8th grade.

00:51:53.000 Just a really odd thing.

00:51:55.000 And were you being ironic or were you a special needs person?

00:51:59.000 Well, we were being... I don't know if we were even being nice.

00:52:01.000 We were just trying to... We were just so bored.

00:52:03.000 Because we weren't spitting in it or trying to be like, hey, it's a prank food.

00:52:06.000 Right.

00:52:07.000 We were just trying to make stuff to make... We wouldn't... We didn't want to eat it, I guess.

00:52:11.000 I talked to guys in Florida about the mischief they get up to, and it's a different level.

00:52:15.000 Like, we would take a cassette tape.

00:52:17.000 Remember cassettes?

00:52:18.000 Oh yeah.

00:52:19.000 And you would stretch it across the road, and it would just go... That stuff never breaks.

00:52:26.000 So the car drives into it, and it just goes...

00:52:30.000 And then the cassette goes flying and hits the back of his car and you run away.

00:52:34.000 Or we'd throw snowballs at cars.

00:52:35.000 But in Florida, their little secret prank?

00:52:40.000 Put a bowling ball in the middle of the road.

00:52:42.000 And it's just the perfect height to totally destroy a car's undercarriage.

00:52:47.000 And maybe, I don't know, if this guy drives for a living, ruin his job and make him have to give up his house.

00:52:53.000 His kids are unemployed, his kids starve to death.

00:52:56.000 A little rich there, Florida.

00:52:58.000 A little rich.

00:53:00.000 Well, we called it Nicky Nicky Nine Door, going door to door.

00:53:04.000 He told me that in Florida they called it, and I'm not going to say the horrible word, N-word knocking.

00:53:11.000 He also told me about a guy, I just remembered this, that his dad would take him, driving around, I think this is Tampa, with a plastic, like, kid's toy hammer, and they would go n-word bonking.

00:53:25.000 So they would just go up to someone, black guy, and say, hey man, do you know what time it is?

00:53:30.000 And then he'd go, uh, I think it's, and then they'd go bonk.

00:53:33.000 And drive away.

00:53:33.000 Now, it didn't hurt.

00:53:34.000 It wasn't a hammer hurt.

00:53:35.000 Right.

00:53:36.000 But... What a strange way to bond with your child.

00:53:40.000 Yeah.

00:53:41.000 That's great.

00:53:42.000 Man, a lot of those times are very fun.

00:53:45.000 We used to throw our toys, like these Dragon Ball Z toys are very expensive.

00:53:49.000 And they had arms that would just come off pretty easily.

00:53:51.000 And we'd drop them from the train trestle just to see how much damage they could take by just dropping these expensive toys.

00:53:57.000 Just stupid, yeah.

00:53:59.000 One time... One time...

00:54:02.000 We'd have, you know those firecrackers that go, ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka, like 50 in a row?

00:54:06.000 I forget what they're called.

00:54:07.000 Yeah, those little, yeah.

00:54:09.000 They're all connected.

00:54:10.000 Yeah, they're all connected.

00:54:10.000 They look like an Indian's war chest thing.

00:54:13.000 Oh, yeah.

00:54:14.000 So, we were throwing them at people from my friend's car, Steve's car.

00:54:20.000 And it would scare the living shit out of them, obviously.

00:54:23.000 But we did it to one guy, and his dog went nuts.

00:54:26.000 And his dog, little yappy dog, started biting him.

00:54:29.000 The guy?

00:54:30.000 The owner.

00:54:31.000 Because you know, dogs and fireworks, they go crazy.

00:54:36.000 And we go, oh shit.

00:54:38.000 And then we turn immediately onto the highway.

00:54:41.000 This is in Ottawa, so we're turning onto the Queensway.

00:54:43.000 And some guy sees us and he decides, fuck this.

00:54:46.000 They're gonna pay.

00:54:47.000 So he's chasing us.

00:54:49.000 So we're whipping down the freeway at like 80 miles an hour.

00:54:54.000 And I go, Steve, slow down.

00:54:56.000 There's a cop right there.

00:54:58.000 And he goes, fuck the cops.

00:54:59.000 I got a concerned citizen on my tail.

00:55:03.000 I got a fucking vigilante behind me.

00:55:07.000 Yeah, I got Charles Bronson from Death Wish or the Equalizer.

00:55:12.000 People keep saying I look like Charles Bronson recently, by the way, now that you mention that.

00:55:16.000 But you know what I realized too, growing up in the Bronx you had a lot of that type of fun.

00:55:20.000 Fences and stairwells and all that and digging

00:55:24.000 Yeah, I don't know much about kids born there.

00:55:26.000 I know that when we had a place upstate, the kids, they were just city kids.

00:55:43.000 So they weren't interested in going on an adventure.

00:55:46.000 I'd take them on walks and drag them and then they'd get a tick and then we'd have to be worried about lime. 1.00

00:55:52.000 Going in the woods, there's nothing like that.

00:55:54.000 You're like, I'm in the fucking woods.

00:55:56.000 And there's so many different... The beauty of the Catskills is you walk for 20 feet and you're in some weird thing with dead trees everywhere.

00:56:04.000 Then you walk a little bit farther and there's this weird valley with a stream.

00:56:08.000 It's like a different country every

00:56:11.000 50 feet.

00:56:12.000 And the bugs.

00:56:13.000 Oof.

00:56:14.000 I used to love finding bugs.

00:56:16.000 Oh, you know what we used to do?

00:56:18.000 Salamanders.

00:56:19.000 Those are great.

00:56:19.000 You get those little red newts.

00:56:21.000 We barely ever saw those.

00:56:22.000 And we would put, well that means that water was not good in your area.

00:56:25.000 But where I was, in Berryville, the water was really good.

00:56:30.000 Not much else was.

00:56:32.000 But, um, I got an aquarium, and I just, I would get moss and stuff from actual outside, make a little, you know, pond with dirt and mud and stuff and sticks, so it was their own shit, I didn't buy anything.

00:56:44.000 And then I would occasionally buy crickets, or, or, I got this bug vacuum.

00:56:51.000 For kids to look at bugs.

00:56:52.000 It's just like a gun, but it sucks.

00:56:56.000 Sort of like, I don't know, I was gonna do a gun joke, but I don't know enough about guns.

00:56:59.000 I heard that.

00:57:00.000 Sort of like AP30X, now that Smith & Wesson's making them.

00:57:04.000 Since it sucks.

00:57:06.000 So then you go outside at night by the light on the porch, and there's 8 billion bugs, right?

00:57:12.000 Oh yeah.

00:57:14.000 You start sucking them up all into this little thing, and then you let those buggers loose, and the salamanders just go to town. 0.54

00:57:21.000 That's instant fun right there.

00:57:22.000 I had 14 at one point, and they're beautiful to look at.

00:57:26.000 Yeah, salamanders are pretty damn sick.

00:57:28.000 The first time I saw those in Florida, they were like, here's a fun little trick.

00:57:32.000 My great-grandparents showed me, you hold the salamander up to your ear, and it just bites your ear, and now you got salamander earrings.

00:57:38.000 It was like, this rule.

00:57:39.000 Did you know they start in the water?

00:57:42.000 Like tadpoles, and then they have their first, I think to their adolescence, they've swum around.

00:57:48.000 Then they come out, then they're salamanders, without the swishy tail, I believe.

00:57:51.000 I'm probably getting a lot of this wrong.

00:57:53.000 And then, when they're old, they go back down.

00:57:57.000 What?

00:57:57.000 Back into the water?

00:57:58.000 Back into the water.

00:57:59.000 That is really strange there.

00:58:00.000 So when I had mine, I saw a little one, and it looked smaller.

00:58:03.000 And I go, why do I have a small one all of a sudden?

00:58:06.000 They were all the same size before.

00:58:07.000 And I go, well, they probably had babies here.

00:58:09.000 And I go, no, they can't have had babies.

00:58:11.000 There isn't enough water for them to have a whole water phase. 0.59

00:58:13.000 And I think you just, I neglected to feed them once because we were away.

00:58:18.000 They were at the place upstate, so I wouldn't see them for a week at a time.

00:58:22.000 Um, and I think his body just shrank.

00:58:24.000 Wow.

00:58:25.000 I tried to get ahold of a, one of these amphibian experts to explain.

00:58:29.000 Anyway, sorry, we're off on a tangent here.

00:58:30.000 So 14.

00:58:32.000 Give up video games, start focusing on girls, go to the arcade, but don't play video games, smoke cigarettes, get in trouble, be bad, and make out with a chick, have crushes, get on your bike, form a little group, your little gang, and

00:58:56.000 And don't stay inside.

00:58:58.000 Have, sort of like I was saying before, but with more mischief.

00:59:02.000 You should be bad.

00:59:03.000 You should be bad when you're 14, 15, 16.

00:59:06.000 And yeah, you're in organized sports and you're playing baseball or whatever, but you're also playing it just amongst your friends.

00:59:12.000 Like, I want to see more.

00:59:14.000 Why don't four guys just go down to the baseball dime and just start hitting some balls?

00:59:19.000 You don't see that very much.

00:59:21.000 Avoid your parents.

00:59:23.000 You hate your parents.

00:59:23.000 And I was talking to someone about boarding school because I'd love to send my kids, but my mother, whoops, my wife would never tolerate that.

00:59:31.000 She loves them too much.

00:59:32.000 But they don't like you from 14 to 18 anyway.

00:59:36.000 And everyone I know who went to boarding school is a complete rock.

00:59:40.000 Now.

00:59:40.000 Like, they can talk to billionaires, they can talk to blue collars, they're just survivors.

00:59:48.000 You could take someone who went to boarding school, male or female, push them out of a plane in the tropics, and then come back three weeks later and they'd have a little coconut stand, and little grass skirts, and they were talking to locals, they would have learned the language.

01:00:03.000 Like, they're just so adaptable.

01:00:06.000 So I think that's a very healthy thing to do, but I understand a lot of people can't afford it.

01:00:09.000 So 14, 18, start being in a band, do stupid shit, I don't know, do graffiti, make terrible paintings, make mistakes.

01:00:20.000 There's a cool group of dudes, you know Harmony Corrine?

01:00:23.000 Yeah.

01:00:23.000 Harmony Corrine and Brian DeGraw and a lot of these people in New York in the early 2000s, they did this sort of, again, kind of a gang, not literally a gang,

01:00:34.000 Um, and they all have a tattoo of a pitchfork on their hand.

01:00:38.000 And they call themselves the Mistakers. 0.54

01:00:41.000 And their thing is just keep doing stuff.

01:00:43.000 Make mistakes.

01:00:44.000 A mistake is a win.

01:00:46.000 And that is very profound.

01:00:50.000 That leads you to being an entrepreneur.

01:00:52.000 That leads you to making great art.

01:00:54.000 It leads you to doing all kinds of important stuff.

01:00:56.000 That's really one of my favorite things about the West, about Western culture, is it's just made on going for it.

01:01:03.000 There's so much of just, I'm going to risk it.

01:01:07.000 Grit.

01:01:09.000 Oh, there's a gig in Ohio.

01:01:12.000 I'm going to try to live in there for a while.

01:01:13.000 Poof.

01:01:14.000 You're off.

01:01:16.000 So now we're at 20, and it's time to go to college.

01:01:20.000 This one is a pretty controversial one.

01:01:22.000 I say don't go.

01:01:24.000 You are going in there to come out stupid and in debt.

01:01:28.000 You're stupider when you come out than when you went in.

01:01:30.000 And we were talking to Michael Recktenwald.

01:01:32.000 We should put up that episode.

01:01:33.000 It was pretty funny, right?

01:01:35.000 And he said, the first year, these students come in at NYU, and it's like 60 grand a year now.

01:01:40.000 It's going to be 100 grand by the time my youngest goes.

01:01:44.000 And he said, they're about 50-50.

01:01:46.000 They're normal.

01:01:46.000 50 are left, 50 are more, I wouldn't say right, but kind of libertarian and wary of socialism.

01:01:54.000 He said, the next year, that starts changing drastically.

01:01:56.000 And we're now down to 70-30 with left versus right, 70 being left, obviously.

01:02:02.000 But he goes, by third year,

01:02:04.000 It's 90% communist, radical leftists.

01:02:09.000 There's infinite genders, like the crazy, they were around when I was young, but they were these purple haired lesbians that, you know, didn't have any kind of mainstream, what's the word, acceptance. 1.00

01:02:20.000 Like you didn't hear, you didn't hear politicians and writers at the New York Times espousing these radical feminist ideas and radical Antifa ideas like they were normal. 0.94

01:02:33.000 And then he said, and then there's 10% that, I wouldn't call them conservative, but are open-minded to libertarianism and dubious and want to ask questions.

01:02:41.000 And so it's a radicalizing machine.

01:02:45.000 It's like a re-education camp.

01:02:47.000 It's not an education camp.

01:02:48.000 It's a re-education camp.

01:02:50.000 And for all this brainwashing, you're coming out with a quarter of a million in debt.

01:02:57.000 And

01:02:58.000 You have the stupidest job in the world and you speak in a weird language that no one understands like intersectionality and hegemony.

01:03:06.000 The only place you can use those words is in these left-wing Daily Beast type of blogs.

01:03:12.000 Which don't pay.

01:03:13.000 No one's making a living there.

01:03:15.000 All those people have their daddy pay their rent. 1.00

01:03:18.000 No one is clearing more than 36k at these silly intersectionality blogs like Huffington Post.

01:03:29.000 Do they even pay their writers?

01:03:30.000 I know they didn't for a long time.

01:03:36.000 So, it's going to be a tough sell to your wife to get your kids not to go to college. 1.00

01:03:42.000 And I guess there's a risk that they're kind of lonely doing a job.

01:03:45.000 But an internship is infinitely more valuable.

01:03:48.000 You see what goes on there.

01:03:50.000 Inevitably, they're going to be busy and go, you know what, can you do that?

01:03:53.000 Can you write up that CD review?

01:03:55.000 Or can you do this article?

01:03:56.000 Or can you go and see what's going on at City Hall?

01:03:59.000 We don't have a reporter.

01:04:00.000 I'm just thinking in my area, but I'm sure there's other things.

01:04:04.000 But also,

01:04:06.000 Most of you are dumb.

01:04:08.000 Most of us are dumb.

01:04:10.000 And that's the beauty of Britain's O-levels.

01:04:14.000 I think it's 14.

01:04:16.000 Now, 14 back then is sort of 20 today, so I don't think my numbers are that mismatched.

01:04:22.000 At 14 years old, they take this test.

01:04:25.000 I think it was dropped because it was seen as too eugenics-y, because I believe it is basically an IQ test.

01:04:33.000 You all get tested, and the smart guys, regardless of their income, go off to secondary education.

01:04:40.000 5%, that is.

01:04:42.000 When my dad was a young man, 5% of people went to college.

01:04:46.000 I think that's what it naturally should be.

01:04:48.000 Obama's talking about, everyone needs an education!

01:04:52.000 Nah, not really.

01:04:53.000 Everyone needs the basics.

01:04:54.000 They need to, you know, the history of your country and you should know how to read and the basics of math and stuff.

01:05:00.000 But you don't need, you don't need all these classes, I think.

01:05:05.000 Sorry, get back to O-Levels.

01:05:06.000 So my dad's family, he had a lot of siblings, and I don't want to disparage my aunts and uncles, but I think he was much smarter than them, and they call that in IQ, they call that a spike.

01:05:16.000 So he had a spike, and the rest were normal blue-collar Scotch-Irish guys, you know, living in a shitty slum called the Gorbals. 1.00

01:05:24.000 They did their O-Levels, my dad killed on them, so he's whisked away and gets scholarships to go to really good schools, Glasgow University eventually.

01:05:34.000 The others didn't get good grades, so they became tradesmen.

01:05:39.000 And that system worked.

01:05:42.000 We don't have any tradesmen anymore.

01:05:45.000 And he went for physics, my dad, and engineering, and math.

01:05:51.000 I think college should just be STEM.

01:05:54.000 Now, the other thing they won't, they don't tell you, and I think this is true up until, oh, it's true today, the parents like college because they see it as a perfect place to find a mate.

01:06:06.000 It's almost, it's almost like eugenics there too, where they go, let's isolate them at this wealthy college and we'll get the good genes, the good rich man genes. 0.60

01:06:15.000 And I don't really care what they do.

01:06:16.000 I just wanted to find a man.

01:06:18.000 I get that argument, not, don't necessarily agree with it, but, uh,

01:06:23.000 People don't marry at that age.

01:06:25.000 You don't marry your college sweetheart anymore.

01:06:27.000 People are getting married in their 30s.

01:06:29.000 So even that possible argument is done.

01:06:34.000 So I think you totally and utterly screw college when you're 20 and you do an internship at something that interests you and you'll soon find out if it doesn't interest you.

01:06:44.000 Most girls that I meet say they want to, in New York, they want to get into fashion and then they try and they go, Jesus Christ, fashion week is 24 hour days. 0.95

01:06:53.000 I haven't slept in three days.

01:06:54.000 This sucks.

01:06:55.000 I'm just doing seating charts for fashion shows and getting yelled at for putting Jeremy Scott in front of Kim Kardashian.

01:07:05.000 I think that's a much better pass though.

01:07:07.000 Now we're up to 25.

01:07:09.000 Guys, I know that marrying in your 20s sounds insane, but you did coke when you were 15.

01:07:18.000 You got drunk for the first time when you were 14.

01:07:21.000 You've been partying and sleeping with whoever you want, basically, for a decade.

01:07:26.000 What are we, Motley Crue?

01:07:29.000 How long do you have to do this for?

01:07:32.000 So I think around 25, you should start, I'll tell you what, I tell a lot of guys, go ahead, screw around, play the field.

01:07:42.000 That's not very Christian. 0.98

01:07:43.000 And I will tell you, you will not find a happier couple than two Catholics who were virgins when they met each other and just started churning out kids from day one.

01:07:53.000 That's the best case scenario.

01:07:55.000 I don't see anyone listening to this podcast even considering that.

01:07:58.000 So we're giving up on the ideal.

01:08:02.000 But around 25, let's say around 29, 30, you want to start, dudes, you want to start thinking, alright, I've fucked enough chicks, what's the matter with this one? 1.00

01:08:12.000 That's what I always say, like, you get along with this chick, it's been a year, you've been together, you live together, what are you waiting for, her but with bigger tits? 1.00

01:08:22.000 And if it's not going to be, stop wasting your time.

01:08:25.000 There's a thing here that should be illegal.

01:08:28.000 It's genocide. 0.64

01:08:30.000 And what it is, is you date a girl at, say, 28 in New York, date her until she's 32, buy her a dog so her maternal instincts are temporarily dismantled, and then around 33 you go, eh, this isn't working out, and you dump her.

01:08:44.000 Now, it's going to take her a couple years to recover, 35. 1.00

01:08:48.000 For the billionth time, your ovaries are an hourglass.

01:08:52.000 At 30, the hourglass is turned upside down and the sand is dwindling.

01:08:56.000 At 35, the sand is all but gone.

01:08:58.000 Yes, there are a myriad of anecdotal exceptions.

01:09:01.000 My wife had my last one very late.

01:09:04.000 My mom had my brother when she was 41.

01:09:06.000 That is not the norm.

01:09:08.000 You're going to start pumping yourself full of all kinds of fertility drugs and you're going to have... You know what a lot of those do? 0.94

01:09:15.000 They give you quintuplets and then eight die.

01:09:21.000 Yeah, like a lot of these... I'm seeing a lot of twins these days and it's women who take so many fertility drugs that they have three or four in there and two die and they end up with twins. 1.00

01:09:32.000 Don't wait too long.

01:09:33.000 What about my career?

01:09:35.000 Unless your career's insane, like a brain surgeon, I don't really think it's better than creating and shaping life.

01:09:43.000 I'm sorry if that's sexist, but you must have a hell of a job if you're gonna give up having babies. 0.53

01:09:49.000 Well, I'll just have them later.

01:09:50.000 No you won't!

01:09:52.000 So...

01:09:54.000 Ladies, I understand you want to slut around. 1.00

01:09:55.000 That's the culture.

01:09:56.000 I think it has a lot more cons than pros, but whatever.

01:09:59.000 It's a free country.

01:10:00.000 But ladies, at 25, you have to stop dating musicians and comedians and guys and photographers because they are going to cheat on you. 1.00

01:10:09.000 You need to find Mr. Right.

01:10:11.000 And I've talked about this before.

01:10:12.000 I recommend expats, guys like an Australian guy who lives here because it's hard to get here from Australia.

01:10:20.000 Producers.

01:10:22.000 It's a stable job.

01:10:23.000 Yeah, here's the deal, ladies. 1.00

01:10:26.000 Marry someone who's up at 9 on a Monday morning working on his thing. 0.96

01:10:31.000 So, I hate the job photographer for you.

01:10:34.000 I don't think it's reliable.

01:10:36.000 However, if he's up at 9 on a Monday, and he's in his darkroom or whatever, and he's talking to people about a potential shoot, and he's renting a studio, this guy's going places.

01:10:46.000 Motivated.

01:10:47.000 Motivated.

01:10:49.000 I wouldn't even focus on job, like finance.

01:10:51.000 You could go broke.

01:10:54.000 And then there's, you know, if he's a blue collar guy.

01:10:57.000 Well, if he's a blue collar guy, that's different because he's up at five. 0.92

01:11:01.000 But the blue collar, the tradesmen are great.

01:11:04.000 Tradesmen, especially in New York, are rich.

01:11:06.000 You're going to have two homes.

01:11:07.000 You're going to have a boat.

01:11:09.000 You're always going to have money.

01:11:11.000 The tradesmen in New York are the new,

01:11:14.000 Are the new rich people and lawyers and doctors yes eventually they start making money But it takes a hell of a long time because the market is so saturated

01:11:25.000 So, ladies gotta start, and you wanna have five kids, but even if you have three, 25, then 26, 27, then 28, 29, and 30, 31. 1.00

01:11:37.000 So we're already in our 30s to have three, and I told you, it's starting to get contentious at 30.

01:11:42.000 I think my wife had my first daughter at 36, and she was wheeled through a door that said, geriatric mothers.

01:11:49.000 I promise you, I'm not lying.

01:11:50.000 That's considered geriatric in the medical profession, which I assume is now considered sexist to say.

01:11:57.000 So, I think a lot of young women have been brainwashed into thinking that their ovaries last forever, or even freezing them. 1.00

01:12:04.000 That's no guarantee, by the way, when you freeze them.

01:12:07.000 So, are you one of these women who shouldn't have kids? 1.00

01:12:10.000 They exist.

01:12:11.000 Again, I think 5%.

01:12:13.000 My magic number is 5%.

01:12:15.000 And you know, I know a lot of moms, and one of the reasons I'm on this crusade, which annoys the shit out of my wife, because I'm telling other people what to do, but I can't tell you how many old moms like my age go, what the fuck were we waiting for? 0.98

01:12:30.000 Why did I wait till 38 or 36 to have a kid?

01:12:35.000 Plus you're kind of tired when you're old.

01:12:37.000 You don't have the same kind of energy.

01:12:38.000 24 year old doesn't get any sleep.

01:12:40.000 She doesn't give a shit. 1.00

01:12:43.000 All right.

01:12:44.000 So,

01:12:45.000 We're now 25, we're starting dating.

01:12:47.000 Let's say it's, you're 31, you're 25.

01:12:52.000 It's time, this might be the one.

01:12:54.000 Here's how, you've got to read this book, The Curmudgeon's Guide to Getting Ahead by Charles Murray.

01:13:00.000 He has a chapter in it about finding Mrs. Right.

01:13:06.000 Now, uh, I've heard many people say that you have to have the same politics, and I'm sure that helps.

01:13:13.000 My wife and I do not, and it is rocky at times, but we have so much more in common with, you know, growing up loving punk rock, and we have the same sense of humor, and we have the same exact taste, and, you know, everything from clothing, and to music, to fashion, that is the same thing, to furniture.

01:13:32.000 Like, I love the way she

01:13:34.000 She decorates the house.

01:13:36.000 I love everything she makes to eat.

01:13:39.000 And she DJs better for me than I would for myself.

01:13:44.000 I'll put on Peter and the Test Tube Babies or something and go, why do I like this album?

01:13:48.000 It sucks.

01:13:50.000 Or, and then she'll have some mix where she'll be doing, you know, Lou Reed or something, and then make it a little faster, like Bad Brains, but then it'll go into some soul music and notice reading.

01:14:01.000 And it's just like, you're, I want to hire you.

01:14:04.000 Oh, wait, you're my wife.

01:14:05.000 Okay.

01:14:05.000 Well, keep, keep Spotify-ing it up.

01:14:08.000 Um.

01:14:10.000 So that's why we last.

01:14:12.000 But it's funny how he talks about the things, he goes, the secret to finding a mate is you have to differentiate between the superficial differences and the fundamental differences.

01:14:23.000 I'm paraphrasing him.

01:14:24.000 And one of the ones he used, and I'm not sure I agree with this, but punctuality.

01:14:28.000 Like, say it's really important to be punctual, and you're very insulted when people are late, and she's the opposite, he goes, that's probably not gonna work out.

01:14:39.000 So when you have these fundamental traits, like you're a neat freak and she's a slob, he says it's probably not going to work out. 0.98

01:14:46.000 When those personality-defining traits, like you love tipped humor and he's one of these doctor guys who cannot riff, those aren't going to work.

01:14:59.000 And a similar background helps.

01:15:01.000 You know, my wife and I both grew up middle class.

01:15:04.000 Both our parents are still together.

01:15:06.000 That, I think, shapes us.

01:15:08.000 Yeah, so anyway.

01:15:12.000 Charles Murray's better at picking this out, but I also think the beauty of love is it's kind of not up to you.

01:15:20.000 The Lord in heaven above.

01:15:23.000 Like if you're in a relationship and you guys aren't meant to be, I don't think you can do much to keep it together.

01:15:29.000 Now you can be a lazy dick and drag it out and ruin her ovaries. 1.00

01:15:32.000 Oh wait, I didn't explain why that's a mass murder.

01:15:34.000 So she's 35 by the time she recovers.

01:15:37.000 Now she can't have kids. 1.00

01:15:38.000 Now those kids can't have kids. 1.00

01:15:40.000 Now those kids can't have kids. 1.00

01:15:42.000 Didn't you just kill like a million people?

01:15:45.000 By using up this woman's ovaries. 1.00

01:15:47.000 You know, they used to call it the best years of her life.

01:15:49.000 But now, there's no stigma on that.

01:15:52.000 And you can just use women as sex slaves in New York. 1.00

01:15:57.000 Feminists have done so much for horny, lazy guys. 1.00

01:16:00.000 It's such a great setup for them.

01:16:02.000 They just get booty called late at night, ignore them.

01:16:07.000 Women in New York get used so badly. 1.00

01:16:10.000 That includes the feminists who think that they've rescued themselves from the kitchen. 1.00

01:16:16.000 Believe me, housewives in kitchens get it so much better than empowered single feminists, especially over 30. 1.00

01:16:25.000 You know, you look around the suburbs and so many of these women, especially the ones with nannies and au pairs and stuff, their lives are just the gym, brunch, chatting, little committees and little clubs they've started. 1.00

01:16:37.000 It looks like heaven.

01:16:39.000 And then you see some other poor girl in the city slogging away on some blog that you can just tell by the writing it's not her calling. 0.86

01:16:47.000 And she's getting dumped and ugh. 0.99

01:16:51.000 Just being used for sex.

01:16:53.000 It's not a good life, lady. 1.00

01:16:55.000 As I've always said, New York City's an elephant's graveyard for ovaries.

01:17:00.000 So, now we've got a- uh oh.

01:17:03.000 Just have to make sure there's no emergencies.

01:17:05.000 There's some drama going down at the OK Corral.

01:17:11.000 No, someone just sent me a meme.

01:17:16.000 So you found the guy, right?

01:17:17.000 You found the one.

01:17:18.000 And here's another pet peeve of mine.

01:17:20.000 This whole thing about money.

01:17:22.000 We'll have kids, but... I meet these couples, they're newly married, they're on birth control.

01:17:27.000 What?

01:17:28.000 Why did you get married for?

01:17:30.000 You've got to start churning them out.

01:17:32.000 Oh no, we want to get a nicer house and then we can, when we can afford it.

01:17:37.000 Kids are free.

01:17:39.000 You live in an apartment, you can add a little, another bed in there.

01:17:43.000 They're not going to need more room for a long time.

01:17:46.000 Lots of kids grow up in apartments in the city.

01:17:49.000 Public school is free.

01:17:50.000 You can try to find, there's some good public schools in New York, not a ton, but you can

01:17:56.000 You can homeschool them a little bit.

01:17:58.000 You can improve what they go through at those public schools.

01:18:02.000 And the thing I don't get too about, it's more expensive to have a family.

01:18:06.000 It's just a few more groceries.

01:18:08.000 Your wife's sleeping in your bed. 1.00

01:18:10.000 She doesn't need her own bedroom. 0.98

01:18:12.000 So just, it's the life of a bachelor, but with two more people in it.

01:18:15.000 And you'll start making money, trust me.

01:18:17.000 The second you have a kid in there, it just puts a fire under your ass.

01:18:22.000 And all of a sudden you're just hustling.

01:18:24.000 Because sitting in bed all day watching Netflix is a major catastrophe.

01:18:30.000 I could have been making money, I could have been helping us find a place near that good public school.

01:18:35.000 Be better.

01:18:36.000 Be better.

01:18:37.000 Be better.

01:18:38.000 You just be better when you, uh...

01:18:41.000 When you have a kid.

01:18:42.000 So now you're churning them out, you're 35, whatever, starting a business, and if you've been following my advice since the day you were born, you have an economic libido.

01:18:55.000 So all that pool cleaning, and lawn mowing, and delivering newspapers, and working at the gas station, and then being a waiter, and then being a cook, and then being a bartender,

01:19:04.000 We're good.

01:19:19.000 You're a major, you know, biz dev guy, and you're doing well at it because you started from the ground up, so you know the company and how it works intimately.

01:19:29.000 This is why Tower Records was such a success for such a long time, because all the top brass started from the bottom.

01:19:35.000 Gotta see the documentary about them, All Things Must Pass.

01:19:37.000 It tells you so much about economics and the trouble with corporations today, where we just hire these over-educated finance guys who have never, never picked up a shovel.

01:19:49.000 And by the way, when you are partying and you're a bad boy and you're up to mischief in your teens, you can't wait to move out of the house.

01:19:56.000 So you move out at 18 and now you've got all those jobs and maybe that internship coming up.

01:20:01.000 So you've been hustling for a while now.

01:20:03.000 These infantilized, these wrinkled teenagers who'd stay in the house till they're 25, 6, 7 playing video games, they are infantilized.

01:20:14.000 And they've never been in a fight.

01:20:15.000 They never had a job.

01:20:16.000 So they're really just sort of like ten-year-olds.

01:20:20.000 And so now you're a ten-year-old out in the world.

01:20:22.000 And what do ten-year-olds do when they're out in the world?

01:20:24.000 They cry, and they whine, and they say Trump is a Nazi, and they say everyone's racist, and they say the world's evil, and everything sucks, and we need socialism because I need free shit because I don't know how to do anything.

01:20:34.000 I need Bernie Madoff to change my diapers.

01:20:37.000 Yeah, they have an abysmal, grudging view of the world.

01:20:40.000 Yeah, really negative, grumpy, bratty view.

01:20:44.000 But not when you're out there hustling and doing stuff.

01:20:47.000 So now you're a dad, and I think most women would be happier at home, 95% of the time.

01:20:54.000 But I think we overestimate how hard it is to be a parent, how great we have to be.

01:20:59.000 And that's that argument I had with that woman, the pie life. 1.00

01:21:03.000 Did you ever find her?

01:21:04.000 Yep.

01:21:05.000 The Pie Life woman? 0.83

01:21:07.000 That's why I was arguing with her.

01:21:09.000 A huge part of being a parent is just being there.

01:21:13.000 Samantha Eddis, that's her name.

01:21:16.000 She's a liberal, but a very cool person, and I thought we had a fair fight.

01:21:22.000 She has no babies? 1.00

01:21:23.000 Is that her deal?

01:21:23.000 She's got babies, but she doesn't see them very much, because she's a workaholic, and she says that's good.

01:21:28.000 Because when she sees them, they get all her attention, and women are not fulfilled unless they bust their ass. 1.00

01:21:34.000 She has exact opposite views of me on this.

01:21:40.000 I think it's important.

01:21:40.000 You're almost like a security guard as a dad.

01:21:42.000 You don't have to be in their face all the time, but there's going to be a time when they want to talk to you, or they need a hug, or the mom needs help with discipline, and that's when you got to get in there.

01:21:52.000 Or when they get lied to in school and get told that Martin Luther King was killed with a gun and guns are evil and you have to say, actually Martin Luther King was waiting for his gun license when he was shot and he should have been better able to defend himself.

01:22:05.000 So they're not, that's not quite the whole story there.

01:22:11.000 And I think that's important just to be home.

01:22:14.000 You know?

01:22:16.000 Here's another big doozy you want to have.

01:22:18.000 Make sure you eat your... I could do a whole other thing on the importance of families, but...

01:22:24.000 You all have to eat together.

01:22:25.000 Say grace.

01:22:26.000 And you all have to eat together.

01:22:27.000 There's been all these studies of kids who get into trouble and a big part of it is that they didn't eat dinner together.

01:22:35.000 No screens at the dinner table.

01:22:37.000 You gotta fight the screens with a passion.

01:22:38.000 That's 60% of your job these days as a parent is getting their faces away from those fucking screens. 0.77

01:22:45.000 And then, um, they get, they start getting older now and you're trying to give them that childhood that we talked about in the beginning.

01:22:53.000 That's a big part of your job.

01:22:56.000 And here's the biggie guys.

01:22:58.000 Here's the number one most important thing about raising kids.

01:23:03.000 Don't, do not get divorced.

01:23:08.000 When you get divorced, you tell your kids love is bullshit, marriage is not a thing you should even try doing, and relationships are not that important, and they're not going to get married, and they're not going to have kids.

01:23:22.000 And so that's another massive genocide where you prevented a million people being born, which you probably think is good for the environment.

01:23:28.000 And, you know, in marriage you can have a bad year.

01:23:33.000 It's not all peaches and cream.

01:23:35.000 You can go months without sex.

01:23:37.000 There's going to be times when you're addicted to each other.

01:23:39.000 You're sex addicts.

01:23:40.000 There's going to be other times when you're not into it.

01:23:42.000 There's going to be times when you sleep on the couch.

01:23:45.000 And I think a lot of young married people go, Oh, this year sucked.

01:23:49.000 We're done.

01:23:50.000 It's we fell out of love.

01:23:52.000 And that destroys the kids.

01:23:54.000 And you'll notice, by the way, when people get divorced and they talk about, oh, my life now, I can order Thai whenever I want.

01:24:00.000 And I don't have to, I don't have to fuck my husband if I don't want to. 0.92

01:24:04.000 Not that anyone has to do that, but there was like my freedom, my freedom, my freedom.

01:24:07.000 And they never talk about the kids and what it did to them.

01:24:12.000 And I'm convinced that, you know, there's a,

01:24:16.000 Everyone says that black crime, well racists say that black crime is because blacks have a predilection for crime.

01:24:24.000 The far left says no, the black crime rate is high because of racism and they feel like they have no other voice and they can't get a job because everyone hates black people.

01:24:34.000 I don't think it's either of those things.

01:24:36.000 I think welfare has incentivized single motherhood and study after study shows that children of single mothers have bigger crime problems. 0.99

01:24:48.000 They have more trouble at school.

01:24:48.000 They have more trouble.

01:24:49.000 They have more trouble with mental health.

01:24:51.000 There's a million things that go wrong when you don't have a dad.

01:24:55.000 And one, I read one article that said it could just be idle hands too.

01:24:59.000 Like you're sitting around bored.

01:25:00.000 You don't have discipline.

01:25:01.000 Your dad didn't make you get a job.

01:25:03.000 And you're like, let's get up.

01:25:04.000 Let's steal some Coke.

01:25:06.000 Let's join a gang.

01:25:07.000 That looks fun.

01:25:08.000 You have low self-value and, uh, you know, maybe some anger that hadn't gotten out there.

01:25:15.000 You're not quite sure.

01:25:16.000 You resent your dad, too, for not being around?

01:25:18.000 I was, did you know, at the hostel I used to work at, um, this stripper, this black chick with all these tattoos, she came up here from, like, Louisiana or something. 0.61

01:25:26.000 She was, like, a cool chick.

01:25:28.000 And she liked punk music and shit.

01:25:30.000 She asked me, she was like, no strings attached, I think we'd have beautiful babies, and I'll have you sign something so you don't have to pay child support, but I can get this, that, and the third if I have a kid.

01:25:41.000 No joke.

01:25:42.000 She said that to me.

01:25:43.000 So she knew the system and she knew that that was just a thing that you could do.

01:25:46.000 How romantic!

01:25:47.000 Yeah, and so I would have created some little murderer because I wouldn't be around. 0.95

01:25:53.000 Well, here's the proof.

01:25:54.000 She's a stripper. 1.00

01:25:55.000 Back before welfare, blacks and whites committed crimes about the same. 0.98

01:26:00.000 They were not disproportionately represented in the crime rate when blacks were married.

01:26:06.000 And by the way, that was a much more racist time.

01:26:10.000 So I think that just solves it.

01:26:13.000 What was the soundbite you thought was relevant there?

01:26:15.000 What's that supposed to mean?

01:26:21.000 So now we're at, we're raising our kids, we're doing okay, we're not getting divorced by any means and I've written about this.

01:26:28.000 I'm pretty happy with an article I wrote called Divorce Your Wife when I was about recording your wife from scratch. 0.99

01:26:34.000 That's on Tacky's mag.

01:26:37.000 Then you get older and I don't really have to get into too much on this part because I already explained the ideal childhood and it involves employment when the kids are 14 and a lot less video games and all that stupid crap.

01:26:48.000 I remember at that age when you start liking girls and it's magical too because they go from these useless things that don't know anything about what you like and anything about Batman

01:27:02.000 And you go, why are these here?

01:27:04.000 They're just weak boys.

01:27:06.000 They're just boys that are less funny.

01:27:08.000 And they like stupid stuff like Archie comics.

01:27:12.000 And then it's almost overnight.

01:27:15.000 They become angels.

01:27:19.000 And they walk into a room and your heart, your fucking stomach drops. 0.67

01:27:24.000 And it's like they're in slow-mo all the time.

01:27:26.000 And for me, it was the eighties.

01:27:28.000 So they had the big tongues on their Nike blazers and skin tight jeans and lumberjack jackets and feathered blonde hair and a deaf leopard t-shirt. 0.61

01:27:37.000 And I was just like, you went from a waste of time to the Virgin Mary.

01:27:43.000 I, what can I do?

01:27:43.000 Can I just kiss?

01:27:45.000 Can, can I kiss your mail?

01:27:47.000 Can you bring in some of your mail and I'll kiss your address?

01:27:52.000 Can I eat your apple core after you're done?

01:27:54.000 Or just maybe, I don't know, embalm it and put it in a plaque case that I can look in and it'll say Donna DeLiva's apple core.

01:28:03.000 It's amazing.

01:28:03.000 And you think about them all night.

01:28:05.000 You're just consumed with romance.

01:28:07.000 And it's not lusty like, I wouldn't mind banging her.

01:28:10.000 That comes way later.

01:28:12.000 Now it's just like, she's a fucking goddess.

01:28:16.000 Anyway.

01:28:17.000 So, you want your kids to do that, of course you're worried about birth control, of course you're petrified of your daughter getting pregnant, you're petrified of drunk driving, you gotta watch out for all that.

01:28:29.000 You gotta get, there's this black box you can get, where it goes in the car, and it zaps all the phones, so you can't text or drive unless you pull over and call or text.

01:28:43.000 That's pretty cool.

01:28:44.000 Whoa, this has been a long ass podcast.

01:28:47.000 I'm late.

01:28:51.000 And then...

01:28:53.000 The kids leave.

01:28:55.000 At 18, your kids should be out of your house.

01:28:57.000 Now you got the empty nest syndrome.

01:29:00.000 You don't need all that house.

01:29:00.000 Sell the house.

01:29:03.000 And I think you should get two small apartments.

01:29:07.000 One in a city you like.

01:29:08.000 I hear good things about Kansas City.

01:29:11.000 Wait a minute, are you still working now?

01:29:13.000 Kids 18.

01:29:14.000 Okay, if you're still working, still move to the city.

01:29:19.000 But if you're about to retire,

01:29:21.000 I think you should do what my parents did where they have a pretty, well they have a pretty big place in Canada, but they should get a small apartment in Canada and a small apartment in Florida, a blue-collar place in Florida, because there's so much more fun bars there and in places like around Orlando, you just walk into those bars and everyone wants to chat.

01:29:45.000 Of course you don't want to be there in the summer.

01:29:47.000 But, and you can do house exchanges where you go to France and then they can stay in your house.

01:29:53.000 Do some of that shit.

01:29:55.000 And of course, stick around with your wife.

01:29:57.000 Play Sudoku a lot so your brain doesn't rot.

01:30:02.000 And keep a really close relationship with your family.

01:30:06.000 You should see them twice a year.

01:30:08.000 And here's one thing that seems to be fading.

01:30:11.000 Baby boomers are not very famous for this.

01:30:14.000 There's been a few articles about this in the New York Times where

01:30:16.000 Baby boomers are not the grandfathers that they had. 0.96

01:30:19.000 The grandfathers baby boomers had would build the boy a go-kart and he'd build the daughter some insane dollhouse with little sinks and bathrooms and all that stuff. 1.00

01:30:31.000 They don't really do that anymore.

01:30:32.000 In fact, they have this thing, and this is not my in-laws or my parents, but

01:30:37.000 They have this thing where they find grandfather and grandmother to be, uh, make them feel too old.

01:30:43.000 So they change that to call me Zubit, no, Booba.

01:30:50.000 Call me Booba.

01:30:53.000 One of my buddies resents it.

01:30:55.000 So he calls his, he has them call his mom Grand Booba, like the Grand Pooba in Flintstones.

01:31:02.000 Um,

01:31:03.000 But I think it's crucial that you maintain a good relationship with your grown kids and your grandkids.

01:31:10.000 And there's been lots of studies, I've talked about these before, where centenarians, they studied them all, and they realized there was a lot of, what's that called when two circular graphs meet in the middle?

01:31:23.000 I forget.

01:31:27.000 The common traits were... Venn diagram is what it's called, yeah.

01:31:32.000 The common traits were lots of fish, so there was a lot of Greeks and Japanese and people who lived along in the Mediterranean and along islands like that.

01:31:41.000 A lot of rice and

01:31:45.000 They stayed with their family, their grandkids, and especially their grandkids, great grandkids, and they noticed that this helped stave off dementia and senility and Alzheimer's.

01:31:57.000 In fact, there was even a case, you can look this up in the New York Times, there's even a case where a guy was suffering from Alzheimer's, he moved in with his family and his great-grandchildren, and it went away.

01:32:08.000 He started getting smart again.

01:32:11.000 Which I believe is God, or you can say nature if you're an atheist, is nature rewarding him and saying, well, I put you here to make more people.

01:32:23.000 Ladies, we're all here to make more human beings. 1.00

01:32:25.000 This is all part of a big plan.

01:32:27.000 That's why our lifespan is going up.

01:32:28.000 We're still perfecting this giant thing called humanity.

01:32:31.000 So not having kids and killing a lineage of

01:32:36.000 Hundreds of thousands of years, just because you wanted to blog, it seems to me it's really dropping the ball.

01:32:44.000 But anyway, I think that these centenarians do so well around their great-grandchildren because it's endorphins in their brain rewarding them and saying, this is it, you did it!

01:32:54.000 I mean, it's one thing to have kids, but if they don't have kids, you're not really, that wasn't so great.

01:32:59.000 That's why you always see grandparents freak out when they're on these videos where the daughter says, you're pregnant, she's pregnant.

01:33:07.000 Once you get grandkids, then you can really hang up your hat.

01:33:10.000 Now you really nailed it.

01:33:11.000 Now the ball has some momentum.

01:33:13.000 It's like when you start a fire, and you have, like, you get blown a bit, you get it going pretty good, and, you know, it looks like two human hands worth of fire, and you're thinking, this is pretty good, but it could go out again.

01:33:28.000 The wood's not too dry, it could go out again.

01:33:30.000 Then, you know, you get some more smaller sticks, and then it's really cooking, and then you start seeing red embers, and it gets to the point where you can just throw any log there, and it's just gonna be going all night, or till that log's gone.

01:33:41.000 It's gonna, everything starts like that.

01:33:43.000 That's what grandkids are.

01:33:44.000 The fire is cooking now.

01:33:47.000 And then those great grandkids have babies, and we're back to the beginning on how to be born.

01:33:54.000 And that is...

01:33:56.000 And by the way, I don't know if I'll accomplish any of these things.

01:33:59.000 So you're not hearing from Michael Jackson how to write a good pop song.

01:34:03.000 You're hearing from a guy who's thought about this a lot and has figured out how to have the perfect life.

01:34:10.000 I still, I got a lot of tweaks to work on, and I may not accomplish any of the things I'm saying that should be accomplished, but that doesn't mean I can't say.

01:34:21.000 What should be accomplished.

01:34:22.000 So start give this this podcast to your baby at the hospital when he's born and make sure he checks in on it every couple years.

01:34:32.000 I like you more than a friend and I'll see you soon.

Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - January 11, 2019

Get Off My Lawn Podcast #103 | How to have a perfect life

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