On this week's episode of the podcast, the guys talk about the time a 6 year old boy called the cops to report his babysitter for not allowing him to watch TV, and how the cops handled it. Also, the boys discuss the worst analogy they've ever heard, and the worst thing Will Smith has ever said in their lives. And of course, there's a story about a man who got a ticket for something he didn't even know he was supposed to be doing. Enjoy, and spread the word to your friends about this episode! Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. The 500 is a production of Native Creative Podcasts. All rights reserved. Used by permission. This episode was produced and edited by Riley Bray. We do not own the rights to either of these songs, credit goes to original artists. If you own a copy of the music used in this episode, please contact us directly. Thank you for any amount you can manage. or send us your thoughts or suggestions for future songs we could use in the next episode. Thank you and we'll get them on the next one out on next week's show. - Thank you! - The 500, we are working on a new ad-free version of the 500, featuring a new song we'll be putting out a new music from the 500. by The 500. We are making a live version of "The 500" and we're working on it in the rest of our next week. -- Thank you so much love ya'll! -- The 500 and we appreciate all your support us with all the love and support us 100% of the support we can do. . -- thank you, Thank you, you're amazing, we appreciate you, we really appreciate all the support and support we've done so much, we can't do this, we're so much more than that, we love you, thank you. , we appreciate it, we truly appreciate you. We really appreciate it. and we really do appreciate all of the love, we'll keep it, really appreciate you back, really really much, truly appreciate it back, truly, really, we mean it, truly mean it. We can't say it, it's a lot, really means it, you can do it, and we love ya, really got it back.
Transcript
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00:02:00.000The people who call 9-1-1 on Burger King and they say, hey, they said that we're going to have specials here, but there's no chicken wings.
00:03:49.000Alright, so as I was getting to the studio, I was already cutting it really close to getting there on time.
00:03:54.000And we go live, you know, Compound Media, you're familiar, of course.
00:03:58.000And, uh, as I'm pulling onto 35th, there's a fire, there's two fire trucks and they start, they stop right there and I was like, well, surely this is temporary.
00:06:14.000A lot of Hot Wheels stuff doesn't work, by the way.
00:06:16.000Like the choom-choom thing, you have to have the perfect length of track or it'll just plop.
00:06:22.000No offense, Hot Wheels, but not everything you sell us is a shoe-in.
00:06:26.000So I eventually set up maybe six different things where you pull back the thing and it goes zoom-zoom and does the jump and everything works.
00:12:27.000Doesn't he say it might be a good segue to get out of the conversation about kids, but doesn't he say again, like way too many times in that.
00:13:18.000The thing is, they cut it up with the... That's when it just clicked in my mind that if you just run through somebody's face, a lot of people ain't gonna be able to take that over and over.
00:13:27.000Over and over and over and over and over and over and over.
00:14:07.000And I see these Puerto Rican kids, it's mostly Puerto Ricans there, and the way they nail these heavy bags, even the way they shadow box, they're just like, it's like they just did a line of coke.
00:16:24.000You know what, I think I know why, I don't know why everybody else doesn't want their face punched, but for me it's like, that's where like five of, like four of my five senses are.
00:16:31.000It's like your sight, your smell, your taste.
00:17:24.000Well, I'm glad we brought that up, though, because it is a salesman thing.
00:17:31.000Salesmen, and I've never been good at this at all, and I've always revered salesmen, and they have a bad rep, they're seen as pieces of shit.
00:17:38.000Shane Smith, who helped me create Vice.
00:17:41.000He's not my cup of tea, but I would never deny that he's an incredible salesman.
00:17:47.000Or Sebastian Eldridge, who I started Rooster, the ad agency with.
00:17:51.000He is my cup of tea, and he's an incredible salesman.
00:17:54.000And these guys can just, they're boxers.
00:18:05.000My dad talked about this when he started a company, he goes, and maybe it's a Scottish thing, when you put your heart out there and you say, this is my company, I worked really hard on it, I would like you to invest, and they go, no!
00:18:22.000It's like, it's like you show someone a picture of your wife and you go, this woman who had my children, I have three kids, she's very sacred to me, she's a piece of shit.
00:18:31.000And they just go, like you just want to nail them.
00:18:34.000You don't go like, okay, well, we disagree on that.
00:19:35.000I've never... Oh, yeah, I guess there is a... When you crouch down on your knees, and then you do a right cross, it could be to the center of the stomach.
00:20:00.000I thought there was no merit to being a salesman besides being convincing, but what they're doing is kind of facing rejection over and over and over again.
00:22:08.000And they got some really good stuff because all you want to hear about, everybody at home, and the interviewer knew this too, is all you want to hear about is James Gandolfini's dead and I want somebody to cry about it because I'm sad about it too.
00:23:34.000And we had good ideas for shows, like these three brothers who inherit their dad's hair salon, and their dad is based on Warren Beatty in the movie Blow Dry.
00:23:45.000And they're three straight dudes who get their hair cutting, like your dad, get their hair cutting licenses just to fuck pussy.
00:24:36.000It's like, you know how they didn't have dialogue?
00:24:39.000And then she beats him with his purse, but he beats him until his face is just destroyed, and he's a skeleton, and there's blood everywhere, and his muscle tissue's hanging out.
00:25:10.000I work with this dude Sam, awesome guy, I hope people don't look him up, and he started working with James Gandolfini post Sopranos and we met this chick in New York
00:25:24.000And we talked about, you know, I don't know how we got there, but it's like, yeah, we go to L.A.
00:27:49.000I never forget, I don't think we ever said it on the podcast, where we're sitting... By the way, the way you pick a seat in a train is beyond ridiculous.
00:27:59.000You go into a train, you see any spot that you can kind of squeeze in, and then you'll sit there.
00:28:04.000Between an old lady and a businessman.
00:28:07.000Well, I want to face the direction we're going in.
00:28:12.000I understand that priority but like... I hate going backwards!
00:28:14.000But you'll never even like go like three seats past what you're line of sight to like see like if there's a seat because sometimes you'll most times you'll find a complete open seat and you could just sit there but you'll sit in between like a businessman and old lady knitting just because it's right there
00:28:31.000I want to face the direction the train's going in.
00:29:38.000He hands it over to me, and then he goes, it was way funnier.
00:29:43.000You should be a stand-up comedian where you have people do your jokes and then you come up on stage and grab the mic and go, actually, when I said it, it was way funnier.
00:29:52.000I'm not going to say it, obviously, but you get the idea.
00:29:55.000I would laugh harder, but my rib is probably fractured.
00:31:13.000That's an African-American gentleman who's a person of color, who was on the show Intervention, and he's a fucking drug addict, and his kids are all crying, and they're saying, you know, we love you and stuff.
00:31:27.000And he just, you can tell, he goes, I should probably cry now and pretend I give a shit about you people, even though I love heroin way more.
00:31:35.000So he hams up his cry to the most absurd proportions imaginable.
00:31:41.000And I think even his kids, who were already, even the kids were being melodramatic, I think the kids were like, yeah, that's a bit much.
00:32:11.000Obama and Oprah saying, you know, if you're in a room and you're in a corporate environment and everyone around you is a white male, you fucked up.
00:32:23.000So if you're a professional chess player and you look around the room and all your competitors are Russian, change that.
00:32:31.000There should be some Nairobi chess players.
00:32:33.000And if you're playing basketball and you look around the room and everyone is a tall black guy and there's no George Costanzas, you need to change that.
00:33:11.000He's a raging gimp who wears those crutches that take like five forearm braces.
00:33:19.000He struggled his gimpy way to, um, the, uh, subways of South side of Chicago, in Chicago, busted his ass, named his wife, his wife, named his daughter a normal name, not Dashiqua, but Michelle, got her educated.
00:36:21.000Yeah, well, that's a thing with black culture where they don't like rap and stuff.
00:36:25.000You know, I met this dude in South Carolina who was such a, I'm not gonna use the W-igger word, but he had adopted his crackhead cousin's black daughter, and a common name in that community is Nevaeh, heaven backwards.
00:38:29.000There's a song called Panda just goes... Even my son who calls the cops, the five-year-old, he's just sitting coloring his little elephant and piggy and he's going, push me to the edge.
00:39:52.000And he can't write, he doesn't know how to spell, so he just made shapes, and I say, I'm trying to be quiet because we're at church, and I go, what do the shapes say?
00:42:58.000Now little kids can see like a penis that has a worm that comes out of it that eats your friend's face and then turns into like a pterodactyl and stuff.
00:43:08.000There's so much talented CGI that they don't get subtle.
00:44:51.000Meanwhile, we're on a ski lift and we see the guy with the Budweiser sweater and you're like, I would just run past him and just rip that off his head and then now that's mine.
00:45:50.000You don't even need to go that far, too, because you know those guys that just, like, brag about, oh, dude, I got some pussy the other day.
00:45:55.000It's like, I don't need to really... I don't know you that well.
00:45:59.000You've got your friends that I guess you could tell that... But people that brag about that kind of stuff, you already make fun of them.
00:46:06.000They're already, like, kind of losers in some way, so it... You know, just... Bragging about your sex has just always been not cool.
00:46:13.000I just realized I agree with you literally 50% of the time, and the other 50%, I have no idea what you're talking about.