Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - Get Off My Lawn Podcast #113 | Let's list all the people who are a noob

00:00:02.000 Let me list all the people who are a noob.

00:00:06.000 Duncan.

00:00:07.000 Duncan.

00:00:09.000 There's Duncan.

00:00:11.000 Duncan.

00:00:12.000 Oh, Duncan.

00:00:14.000 That's my youngest son's first high quality joke.

00:00:21.000 That's really impressive.

00:00:23.000 I'll tell you what, if I had made that joke, I would go, this is not only a great joke, but I'm going to use this in other contexts.

00:00:32.000 Like, let me list all the people I know who are always wrong.

00:00:36.000 Ryan, oh, there's Ryan Ketsu Rivera.

00:00:38.000 There's Ryan, there's Ryan Rivera.

00:00:40.000 Ryan, Ryan.

00:00:41.000 Merman.

00:00:42.000 Merman.

00:00:43.000 Oh, I'm glad you brought up your new nickname.

00:00:45.000 Our new nickname for Ryan is Merman, because he doesn't know anything.

00:00:50.000 He's like Daryl Hannah in Splash.

00:00:52.000 And we were getting into the Uber and we're in an abandoned street and I'm sitting on the back seat and he gets in on my side like I'm going to scooch over and I'm like, no, you go over on that side.

00:01:06.000 Now, if it's Fifth Avenue and cars are whipping down the highway, then yeah, I'll scooch over because I don't need to die when you go to the other side.

00:01:15.000 But we're in rural Austin

00:01:19.000 I hadn't seen a car go up past that street besides the Uber.

00:01:22.000 And that same night we're staying at my friend Stockbauer's house, you go, oh it's kind of warm in here because you're a New Yorker, you're not used to high temperatures, so you open up the front door of the home.

00:01:35.000 I did do that, yeah.

00:01:37.000 Until our host, nickname does,

00:01:40.000 What was it?

00:01:41.000 Gullible's Travels.

00:01:43.000 Gullible's Travels.

00:01:44.000 Yeah.

00:01:45.000 Somehow we fucked up making coffee and he comes up to us and he's like, cleaning our mess up, and he's like, y'all don't leave the house much, do ya? 0.94

00:01:52.000 It was the most southern way to be... We made a large pot of decaf to wake up for.

00:01:57.000 Was it decaf?

00:01:58.000 Yeah, I didn't read the...

00:02:00.000 Wow. 0.99

00:02:01.000 What the fuck is decaf? 0.99

00:02:03.000 I don't know. 0.99

00:02:04.000 Can I have some non-alcoholic Maker's Mark, please?

00:02:07.000 I just love the taste.

00:02:09.000 O'Doul's.

00:02:09.000 I get O'Doul's.

00:02:10.000 O'Doul's is you're dying of withdrawal symptoms. 0.99

00:02:14.000 You want a beer so fucking badly it's gonna kill you. 0.99

00:02:16.000 It's sort of like 1.00

00:02:18.000 Like, say you were one of those gays who became Christian and can't be gay, and I could imagine you'd probably want to suck off like a dildo or something. 1.00

00:02:28.000 A toothbrush dildo, yeah. 1.00

00:02:30.000 Yeah, like there's probably a blow-up doll, like a guy blow-up doll, and you're just like... I understand that, I guess. 0.93

00:02:39.000 Actually, I don't understand that analogy, but whatever.

00:02:42.000 A better analogy would be, I would understand if you and I moved to Planet Homosexual and everyone was gay and we had to like, we would just be, I guess, celibate. 0.99

00:02:50.000 Does it have like rings like Santa but it's like a big old cock ring? 0.98

00:02:56.000 It's probably a super fun planet. 0.99

00:02:59.000 Except when it comes time to the fact that you're horny.

00:03:02.000 And you've said no to 300 dudes that day.

00:03:05.000 And you come home and you hang up your little hat on the hook and you're like, lonely again. 1.00

00:03:11.000 But I could imagine buying a pussy online that looks like a cantaloupe. 1.00

00:03:17.000 And it's like latex, and you're just like... Like, I could see doing that. 0.99

00:03:24.000 And that's what decaf is. 0.97

00:03:27.000 While we're on the tangent of planet gay... Is planet gay? 0.99

00:03:30.000 It's planet gay. 1.00

00:03:30.000 Everyone on the planet is incredibly gay. 1.00

00:03:32.000 And to be a straight person isn't just, like, unusual. 0.99

00:03:37.000 There's zero straight people.

00:03:38.000 You get, like, deported.

00:03:39.000 It's just never even thought of.

00:03:41.000 Yeah, why would you go there? 0.99

00:03:42.000 It would be like, on Earth, say you only fucked fridges. 0.99

00:03:46.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:03:47.000 People go, uh, uh, okay.

00:03:49.000 Don't do that.

00:03:50.000 You're gonna get jizz on our food. 1.00

00:03:51.000 My theory that every toilet in Planet Gay is perfect and clean, but there's a line of shit before each toilet that they just have to keep mopping up. 1.00

00:04:00.000 So, like, the floor is actually, like, the wood's starting to, like... You know, what you just said is homophobic, and it implies that... I'm just saying they can't... The gay anus takes a beating, but it does take a beating. 0.99

00:04:11.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:04:11.000 It takes a beating. 1.00

00:04:12.000 We've done no anal things, and we complain about our assholes a lot. 1.00

00:04:15.000 My anus... 1.00

00:04:17.000 is in the West Village. 0.99

00:04:18.000 I feel like, you know like Falun Gong?

00:04:22.000 It's like a Chinese cult. 0.95

00:04:23.000 It's like a yoga thing.

00:04:25.000 And they're seen as lesser people by the Chinese government.

00:04:30.000 So they consistently harvest this group's organs.

00:04:34.000 No, I'm not into cults, but I don't think even if you're in a cult you should have your organs stolen from you in the dead of night. 0.96

00:04:41.000 I have a feeling that, because I had a Falun Gong guy on my show a couple times, I have a feeling that word got out that I'm Falun Gong and in the middle of the night someone took my anus

00:04:55.000 He brought it to the West Village. 1.00

00:04:57.000 It was given to the hottest slut in the land. 1.00

00:05:01.000 He had several fortnights of fun and then he felt guilty or maybe he died of AIDS or something? 1.00

00:05:08.000 Yeah.

00:05:09.000 And then they brought it back.

00:05:10.000 They returned it.

00:05:12.000 I don't know what they put in its place when they stole it.

00:05:16.000 Maybe just... Maybe this all happened in one night.

00:05:18.000 You could, yeah. 1.00

00:05:20.000 My anus, I've never had gay sex. 1.00

00:05:23.000 I may have had a woman's finger up there like once or twice. 1.00

00:05:25.000 It's never a thing for me. 1.00

00:05:27.000 My anus is so destroyed that I have to have like a major shower and a bidet after every shit or it itches. 0.99

00:05:37.000 And I'm at the point now where when I see old gays I sort of go, 1.00

00:05:44.000 Because we're peers.

00:05:47.000 Like non-vets, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:05:48.000 I don't know.

00:05:49.000 I guess, you know, some people are born with inefficiencies, like the guy in the 3-6 Mafia who has the baby arm. 1.00

00:05:57.000 I have a gay asshole. 1.00

00:05:59.000 Yeah, me too. 1.00

00:05:59.000 It's useless. 1.00

00:06:00.000 Mine used to be so great, but... I never knew you had a shitty ass. 1.00

00:06:04.000 It's not shitty, it's just... I think it, like, sweats something, because you'll wipe it, and you gotta sniff to be like, am I shitting myself? 1.00

00:06:11.000 And it's not stinky, but it's still wet.

00:06:13.000 Like, why wet?

00:06:14.000 I'll wipe it and wipe it, and it's brown, brown, brown, and then it starts going red.

00:06:19.000 Because it's blood.

00:06:20.000 And I go, I guess I stop now.

00:06:21.000 Well, here's the thing.

00:06:22.000 Here's a wiping technique that I've learned. 0.94

00:06:24.000 You take it and you actually wipe front to back, because we don't have vaginas, so we don't have to worry about it. 1.00

00:06:28.000 There's like, in that crevice there, that's your problem right there. 0.97

00:06:32.000 Maybe.

00:06:33.000 Look, I have a bidet.

00:06:35.000 Go to biffy.com and purchase one of these.

00:06:37.000 Enter promo code Gavin.

00:06:38.000 Enter promo code Gavin.

00:06:40.000 It's our free sponsor that has no interest in being associated with me.

00:06:44.000 What else do they have going for them? 0.99

00:06:46.000 They clean assholes. 0.99

00:06:48.000 No. 1.00

00:06:49.000 Now they're just getting promoted by assholes. 1.00

00:06:50.000 I'm such a pariah, I cannot get asshole cleaners to sponsor me. 1.00

00:06:53.000 I actually just lost a sponsor. 1.00

00:06:56.000 These guys, their whole shit is like, we're legit patriots, and we sell soap, and fucking shampoo, and it's flavored like beer, and we hate political correctness. 1.00

00:07:06.000 But Gavin is way too far, sorry. 1.00

00:07:08.000 Like, yeah.

00:07:10.000 Duke Hazard or something like that? 0.99

00:07:11.000 Yeah, so Biffy will blast your ass to shreds, and if you can get Zen on it, it goes up into your rectum, it cleans all that, and you get lettuce from like three days ago coming out. 0.99

00:07:23.000 That's the only way I can have a normal day. 1.00

00:07:26.000 What the fuck is that? 0.99

00:07:27.000 So we got here from Planet Gay because we're bad at making coffee? 1.00

00:07:33.000 Planet Gay, fun planet.

00:07:34.000 Oh, because of decaf coffee.

00:07:36.000 You know what would be funny about Planet Gay? 1.00

00:07:41.000 If we lived on Planet Gay and we were like, hi, I'm Ryan, I'm Gavin, we're straights, we want to fuck women in the pussy. 1.00

00:07:48.000 Are women on Planet Gay? 1.00

00:07:51.000 Yeah, because lesbians are gay. 1.00

00:07:54.000 Yeah, but women must be on this planet. 1.00

00:07:56.000 They must get horny. 0.99

00:07:58.000 Yeah, they're there for chicks. 1.00

00:07:59.000 Probably a good place to be. 0.99

00:08:00.000 I mean, FIT, that fashion college, is basically planet gay. 0.98

00:08:05.000 Right, right. 0.99

00:08:06.000 And I've heard when straight guys go there, like they're dicks, go, come, I please get a vacation. 0.99

00:08:11.000 I'm exhausted. 0.99

00:08:12.000 Wow.

00:08:12.000 Really?

00:08:13.000 Yeah.

00:08:14.000 Wow. 0.79

00:08:15.000 F-I-T. 1.00

00:08:15.000 If you're straight at F-I-T, it's like being gay in the West Village. 1.00

00:08:19.000 Like, you just get so laid, you go... From chicks? 0.99

00:08:22.000 Oh, yeah.

00:08:23.000 Wow.

00:08:23.000 Because you're the only straight guy in the entire school.

00:08:25.000 You know what?

00:08:26.000 I feel like... Let's send my sons there.

00:08:27.000 This is what I feel like with, um... 0.93

00:08:30.000 Okay, so you're on Planet Gay. 0.78

00:08:32.000 They're doing all the gay stuff, and I think, I would think that just like straight people... They're doing all the gay stuff. 0.99

00:08:38.000 They're adventurous. 0.99

00:08:39.000 And they probably would fetishize straight sex. 1.00

00:08:43.000 Oh shit. 1.00

00:08:44.000 And it would become Planet Straight. 1.00

00:08:45.000 It might become The Beatles.

00:08:46.000 It would just become normal again.

00:08:48.000 We're not normal.

00:08:49.000 I thought you meant someone would find out we're straight and be like, I have to have them. 1.00

00:08:52.000 Well, that would happen, but I feel like also the lesbians would want to sleep with you because they've been so bored, they've had like, you know, dildo shaped like elephant dicks and all this stuff. 1.00

00:09:00.000 And at the end of the day, it's just like a fleshy version of a dildo. 0.99

00:09:03.000 No, I don't know why, but I know that we would have to keep it on the DL. 0.60

00:09:08.000 That we're straight.

00:09:09.000 Why would we be there?

00:09:11.000 It would probably take light years to get there.

00:09:13.000 It started as an analogy and then we ended up going... We went, wait a minute, this is just a hypothetical.

00:09:20.000 And now we're here.

00:09:20.000 Yeah, it's the spider zone.

00:09:21.000 You want a heavy hypothetical?

00:09:23.000 Yeah.

00:09:24.000 You want a hypothetical that's gonna rock your world?

00:09:26.000 Mm-hmm. 1.00

00:09:28.000 What if I was to turn off this camera right now and rape you? 0.99

00:09:32.000 Well, I mean... No, just kidding. 0.99

00:09:34.000 Here's a hypothetical.

00:09:36.000 It's Rubik's Cube, right?

00:09:39.000 You could either... I'm the judge.

00:09:40.000 I'm sentencing you for a fight or whatever you did.

00:09:45.000 You can either take this Rubik's Cube and you're free to go when you're done or spend a year in Rikers.

00:09:51.000 You're in Rikers either way, but you have the Rubik's Cube with you in Rikers.

00:09:58.000 So... But here's the deal.

00:10:00.000 If I say, if you take the Rubik's option, you cannot leave until it's perfectly done.

00:10:07.000 Sure, sure.

00:10:09.000 What do you choose?

00:10:09.000 Well, here's the thing.

00:10:11.000 I remember the Rubik's Cube comes with a little pamphlet that tells you... No, no, no, no, no, no.

00:10:15.000 I know.

00:10:16.000 And I know you can't do that, but what I'm saying is I remember how complex it was.

00:10:20.000 It's an algorithm.

00:10:21.000 And so I remember, even if you're in a situation where it's like corners, whatever, so there's a way that it kind of teaches you the practice of not the exact answer.

00:10:29.000 Dude, I'm not looking for a short story.

00:10:31.000 Just tell me the answer.

00:10:32.000 I remember how difficult it was, even with directions, to do it.

00:10:36.000 This is the problem with millennials. 0.82

00:10:38.000 They want to, like, answer too much.

00:10:40.000 Just tell me the number.

00:10:46.000 It's dangerous.

00:10:47.000 You know what?

00:10:47.000 I don't want to risk it.

00:10:48.000 So, a year in Rikers, I guess.

00:10:50.000 I think I might do the same.

00:10:51.000 Yeah.

00:10:52.000 I said to my wife, and she's like, I'll do the Rubik's Cube.

00:10:55.000 No, you won't.

00:10:56.000 And I go, how do you know you can do it?

00:10:58.000 She goes, I'll figure it out.

00:10:59.000 Uh-uh.

00:11:00.000 That's not how it works.

00:11:03.000 I started thinking, it's possible that the Rubik's Cube takes X amount of IQ.

00:11:09.000 Like, I had this crazy professor when I was in college, and I kind of loved him and hated him.

00:11:14.000 His name was Marvin Glass, he was the head of the Canadian Communist Party, and he is the guy, the first guy I ever heard say, it's okay to have an abortion up until a year after the baby is born.

00:11:26.000 Wow.

00:11:27.000 Because an 11-month-old child is less human.

00:11:30.000 Whatever you can call that for a child, 1.00

00:11:33.000 A monkey can do more shit. 1.00

00:11:37.000 The life of a monkey is still valuable, no? 1.00

00:11:40.000 Right, but it's still not a human.

00:11:43.000 So we're saying no life beyond human is... He's saying what defines a human, and any criteria you can come up with for a human, is...

00:11:54.000 A monkey can outdo it up until about a year.

00:11:56.000 Look, the problem with that whole argument is it assumes that academia can define the ethics of life.

00:12:03.000 But we all know, in reality, you can't go up to an 11-month-old with a hammer and bash its brains in. 1.00

00:12:11.000 I don't care how many witty analogies you thought of with a fucking chimpanzee. 0.99

00:12:16.000 But anyway, that was Marvin Glass. 0.99

00:12:20.000 He also said cool stuff besides murdering children, and one of them was what I was just about to get at, which is something very interesting, which I did not forget, by the way.

00:12:33.000 A lot of people accuse me of forgetting what I'm talking about, and I resent that.

00:12:37.000 No, no, you're trained to always correct.

00:12:39.000 Always correct.

00:12:40.000 That's why I can throw you off so easily.

00:12:41.000 I always remember what I was talking about.

00:12:47.000 That was a suspiciously long sip of beer.

00:12:49.000 I'm having a break because we've been talking a lot, get a hoarse voice.

00:12:55.000 Comedians have water on stage with them and it's perfectly normal to have a little break.

00:13:06.000 It was just weird because, if I may, I don't want to cut you off.

00:13:10.000 Don't cut me off, I'm about to explain what I was talking about.

00:13:13.000 But just quick, right before the pause you said that, I don't know, suspicious, but you were like, I never forget my point.

00:13:24.000 Never do.

00:13:25.000 Never have.

00:13:25.000 So you can take your time getting there.

00:13:27.000 Yes, that's how confident I am.

00:13:29.000 Right, right.

00:13:30.000 Because I know what I'm doing.

00:13:31.000 It's like you can take the shot but instead you're like dribbling and crossing it.

00:13:35.000 I actually, I'll be totally honest,

00:13:38.000 I feel sorry for people who forget what they're talking about.

00:13:40.000 Yeah.

00:13:40.000 Does dribbling have anything to do with what you're about to say?

00:13:42.000 Nope.

00:13:42.000 How far off of a tangent was it from... Well, I was talking about Marvin Glass.

00:13:46.000 Not Marvin Glass, per se.

00:13:47.000 I was talking about communism and professors.

00:13:50.000 Hypotheticals.

00:13:51.000 Hypotheticals. 0.99

00:13:52.000 And then you were also talking about... And gays. 0.99

00:13:53.000 Living on a gay planet. 1.00

00:13:54.000 Yeah, and then also killing the kids. 1.00

00:13:57.000 But he also said some cool stuff. 0.73

00:13:59.000 Yes, he did.

00:14:00.000 Right.

00:14:03.000 Which we'll get to...

00:14:06.000 Which we should do whenever.

00:14:08.000 Because I think we had a good break.

00:14:09.000 Now it's time to get back to the crux of what we were talking about, which is Planet Gay. 0.98

00:14:18.000 We're living on Planet Gay. 0.99

00:14:20.000 We talked about that already.

00:14:20.000 We want to keep it under our hats.

00:14:23.000 That we're straight, yeah.

00:14:24.000 NYU and FIT.

00:14:27.000 FIT.

00:14:28.000 It's probably that.

00:14:28.000 Yeah, and you'll be the only straight guy there at FIT.

00:14:33.000 So naturally the next thing that you would

00:14:37.000 We're good to go.

00:14:52.000 This far or this far? 1.00

00:14:54.000 Alright, fuck it. 1.00

00:14:55.000 I give up. 1.00

00:14:55.000 Did you forget? 1.00

00:14:59.000 Did you completely forget?

00:15:00.000 I totally forgot.

00:15:03.000 So when you started the podcast, the reason why I think your son's joke is so funny is because of the context of it.

00:15:09.000 Oh, I didn't explain the context of that either?

00:15:11.000 Yeah.

00:15:11.000 Jesus, this is a terrible podcast.

00:15:12.000 Alright, so I'm going to explain the concept of that, and then I want to get back to the gay planet, because I think that's an interesting thing. 0.99

00:15:18.000 And the problem with a lot of analogies and sort of hypothetical scenarios is people don't take it all into account, and that links to abortion.

00:15:26.000 And I'm going to get into all of that.

00:15:28.000 Oh, okay.

00:15:28.000 Okay, so here.

00:15:29.000 So, A, I have two sons and a girl.

00:15:33.000 And my two sons have this thing where they call each other a noob.

00:15:37.000 Yes.

00:15:37.000 It's the worst insult you can have.

00:15:40.000 And Duncan will say Johnny is a noob, and Johnny will say Duncan is a noob.

00:15:43.000 Yeah. 0.74

00:15:43.000 And the worst kind of noob you can be is a peasant noob. 0.74

00:15:46.000 Shit, that's fucking rough. 1.00

00:15:47.000 Yeah, it's harsh. 1.00

00:15:48.000 That is rough.

00:15:49.000 A noob is a newbie.

00:15:51.000 It's a video game thing. 0.91

00:15:52.000 You're not good at this video game, you're a noob.

00:15:54.000 Okay. 0.93

00:15:55.000 And for a while I said, stop calling each other noobs.

00:15:57.000 It's bugging me.

00:15:59.000 And then I tried to make it fun.

00:16:00.000 I said, if you call Johnny a noob, I'm going to tickle you. 0.77

00:16:02.000 If you call Duncan a noob, I'm going to tickle you. 0.65

00:16:04.000 That's fun.

00:16:04.000 And then we'd call each other a noob and then run away.

00:16:07.000 And I was like, I was running around the house tickling guys.

00:16:12.000 And it was like I worked at Tickle Co.

00:16:15.000 He's a union.

00:16:16.000 It's a punishment for you.

00:16:17.000 It's your punishment. 0.92

00:16:18.000 Because they just say, Johnny is a noob.

00:16:21.000 And then they get to run around the house, and I'm running, and I've got to tickle them.

00:16:24.000 And when you tickle a kid, if they're over five, they get some good kicks in and stuff. 0.99

00:16:28.000 Yeah, they'll fuck you up. 0.99

00:16:30.000 It's tiring. 0.99

00:16:31.000 Sometimes they'll do it to challenge you, so they'll say it more.

00:16:35.000 Because they know the punishment is just getting tickled.

00:16:37.000 And then I'm the guy who's punished, because I've got to run around tickling people.

00:16:41.000 And I'll hear it down the hallway, like, Johnny's a noob!

00:16:44.000 And then I gotta go find the guy and tickle him? 1.00

00:16:48.000 It's a pain in the ass. 0.99

00:16:48.000 It makes me want to be the kid in that situation. 0.99

00:16:50.000 Plus, I worked all day.

00:16:51.000 I work hard.

00:16:53.000 I'm dealing with all these lawsuits, SBLC, I'm trying to start all these new projects.

00:16:57.000 I finally come home, and I remember when I was a kid, and every generation before, the father would come home, plop into his chair, his dog would bring him his slippers, he'd have his pipe, and he'd read the newspaper. 0.98

00:17:08.000 I gotta fucking chase noobs around. 0.99

00:17:11.000 Tickling the shit out of them. 1.00

00:17:12.000 Noob enforcer. 0.99

00:17:13.000 Yeah! 1.00

00:17:14.000 Until like 8 or 9, when everyone goes to sleep, and then I was like, I'd like to like, fuck the shit out of my wife. 1.00

00:17:21.000 Like, in an elaborate scenario, with lingerie. 1.00

00:17:25.000 You know what's sexy? 0.89

00:17:26.000 Where she's like, in the door for me, she's like, you're a noob.

00:17:29.000 And then she runs away a little bit cutely? 1.00

00:17:31.000 Yeah.

00:17:33.000 I think, like, look, we did all this work.

00:17:34.000 It's time for rewards.

00:17:35.000 And I want, like, basically way beyond porn. 0.98

00:17:38.000 Like, I want an elaborate Cirque du Soleil sexual room. 0.99

00:17:42.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:17:43.000 With, like, fucking strawberries. 1.00

00:17:45.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:17:46.000 But she's beat, too.

00:17:47.000 So she wants to read her book and she watches these shows about British architecture where they're like,

00:17:53.000 He has completely revamped the front and what I think I find amazing about this structure is it speaks to you and when you approach it it was a pig's cabin 400 years ago and you've made it solar and you've brought it back and what you've done is you've retained the pigs

00:18:12.000 So we have a pig motif, but we also have green energy.

00:18:16.000 And what's happening here is we are subsuming the history of the pig and bringing it to the man.

00:18:22.000 I'm like, I don't want to watch that. 0.99

00:18:24.000 I want to be a pig with you. 1.00

00:18:25.000 I want to get in a trough with you. 1.00

00:18:28.000 It sounds like the driest, most non-sexual stuff I've ever heard. 0.97

00:18:31.000 Yeah, it's not exactly... That's like far from playing it gay. 0.79

00:18:34.000 It's actually kind of... The host is pretty witty and interesting, but...

00:18:40.000 I just want to get wasted with her and fucking party like we did before we had kids. 0.98

00:18:43.000 But anyway, so she watches that upstairs and I go watch Tucker. 1.00

00:18:47.000 Holy shit, did I forget what I was talking about again? 0.99

00:18:50.000 No. 1.00

00:18:52.000 No, you didn't.

00:18:53.000 No, I did not.

00:18:55.000 No, sir.

00:18:56.000 No, you certainly didn't.

00:18:57.000 I turned into Denzel Washington.

00:19:00.000 No, you did not forget what y'all were talking about.

00:19:05.000 So, you're chasing the kids around and you're like... Oh yeah, the joke with the noob thing.

00:19:09.000 So, Duncan says to Johnny, and he's much older than Johnny, and I gotta say, if you're gonna have kids, do two years, two years, two years, two years.

00:19:18.000 We did two years, two years, four years.

00:19:21.000 And the problem with that is the littlest kid is kind of an alien.

00:19:26.000 Not to me, obviously.

00:19:27.000 I love him to death. 1.00

00:19:28.000 He could take a shit right now on this table and I'd think it was funny. 1.00

00:19:31.000 But with his siblings. 1.00

00:19:35.000 So, like, Duncan and Sophie understand each other and they could watch the same movie.

00:19:40.000 But Johnny, he's only six and they're ten and twelve.

00:19:46.000 And it's sort of like they're

00:19:48.000 They have a pet sibling.

00:19:50.000 Yeah.

00:19:51.000 And when we're at dinner and we're all talking, I can tell... I think one of the reasons he's such a nightmare at dinner is because he doesn't know what the fuck we're talking about. 0.99

00:19:59.000 And it frustrates him. 1.00

00:20:00.000 He's third Mike.

00:20:02.000 He's third Mike.

00:20:02.000 Yeah.

00:20:03.000 Now there's... He's chiming in whenever he's got space.

00:20:05.000 There's like one game you can play, Uno, that a six-year-old can play, that a 12-year-old also has to play, but the 12-year-old's bored shitless.

00:20:12.000 Yeah.

00:20:13.000 Uno, you just like, if there's a green card, you match it with a green card.

00:20:16.000 Sure.

00:20:17.000 Yeah, that's interesting, yeah. 0.99

00:20:18.000 Because you can play bass by colors if you don't understand numbers and shit. 0.97

00:20:22.000 It's pretty simple. 0.94

00:20:23.000 You can match the number too, but yeah, it's for little kids and the older kids will play it, but it's hard.

00:20:29.000 I wish we had gotten a little closer together.

00:20:32.000 It's funny, when your wife tells you she's pregnant, you... 1.00

00:20:36.000 You are shitting your pants. 0.99

00:20:38.000 Because it's real. 0.99

00:20:39.000 It's happening. 0.99

00:20:39.000 And like this is fucking major. 0.99

00:20:41.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:20:41.000 And she's scared. 0.99

00:20:42.000 Right.

00:20:42.000 She's like, oh my god, here we go.

00:20:44.000 And you have to be the guy to comfort her?

00:20:45.000 And you have to be the stoic.

00:20:46.000 Oh yeah.

00:20:47.000 Like Braveheart guy who goes, this is fantastic.

00:20:51.000 I am so, oh my angel.

00:20:52.000 Stop shaking.

00:20:53.000 You have to be daddy.

00:20:55.000 Why are you shaking?

00:20:56.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:20:56.000 You silly fool. 1.00

00:20:58.000 It's going to be okay. 1.00

00:20:58.000 Oh my god. 1.00

00:20:59.000 And you hold her and you're like,

00:21:00.000 What a gift from God! 1.00

00:21:01.000 Holy shit, here we go! 1.00

00:21:05.000 Here we fucking go boys! 1.00

00:21:08.000 And it's exactly like plane turbulence when your wife's freaking out on like a sansa jet that's going vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv 0.99

00:21:23.000 Does a pothole when you're driving a bus make you die?

00:21:26.000 I wish I was naive as you.

00:21:28.000 It's adorable. 0.99

00:21:30.000 Meanwhile, your pantry is full of diarrhea. 1.00

00:21:33.000 We're gonna fucking die. 0.99

00:21:35.000 And then the plane lands and she goes, oh my god, we're alive. 1.00

00:21:37.000 And you go, see, I told you.

00:21:38.000 I have to go buy underwear.

00:21:42.000 For literally no reason.

00:21:43.000 Just for fun.

00:21:43.000 I mean, obviously, I don't have enough underwear.

00:21:46.000 It doesn't match my whole shit. 0.99

00:21:50.000 So anyway, I haven't explained the joke. 0.99

00:21:51.000 So, um... Wait, but about the age difference?

00:21:54.000 I think you could have a four-year difference if it's an older kid, though, right?

00:21:58.000 Because then you have this older kid that can impart knowledge on the younger ones.

00:22:02.000 Yes.

00:22:02.000 But having a four-year difference... Please, dude, you always millennial-spin.

00:22:05.000 I'm asking you a question.

00:22:06.000 I'm not spinning.

00:22:06.000 I know, but obviously to get to that, there has to be a little kid at some point.

00:22:10.000 Unless you're adopting.

00:22:11.000 Yeah, that's true.

00:22:14.000 There's a four-year difference no matter what.

00:22:16.000 So anyway, um...

00:22:18.000 So their joke is you're a noob, you're a peasant noob, Duncan is a noob, Johnny's a noob.

00:22:23.000 It's getting a little tedious, but whatever. 0.68

00:22:27.000 So Duncan was teasing Johnny. 1.00

00:22:29.000 Duncan's an idiot savant with baseball. 1.00

00:22:33.000 Because obviously I'm a genius, so my son's gonna be a genius. 1.00

00:22:37.000 And thankfully he's directed it to something meaningful, like sports.

00:22:41.000 That sounds like I'm being sarcastic, but... No, it's meaningful.

00:22:43.000 The beauty of baseball is it's infinite math.

00:22:46.000 And there's these level of nerd fans who don't even like teams.

00:22:51.000 Like, they just follow players and stats.

00:22:54.000 And in a way, that's more logical.

00:22:55.000 True.

00:22:56.000 Because these guys are nomadic millionaires.

00:22:58.000 So they're just like, Jay Bruce has gone over here, he's got a 3.34 average, and he's got this RBI.

00:23:02.000 Appreciate the game more.

00:23:04.000 Yeah.

00:23:04.000 You're not restricted to a little click.

00:23:05.000 It's almost like the Matrix.

00:23:06.000 It's just like data for them.

00:23:08.000 They see them as computer phones.

00:23:09.000 I've seen those guys.

00:23:10.000 And I think baseball... I'm a novice, obviously, but I think baseball could really benefit from that.

00:23:17.000 Like, why do we have scouts?

00:23:19.000 I don't know.

00:23:31.000 Ryan is holding up a shirt that says baseball is life.

00:23:34.000 For the audio.

00:23:35.000 He doesn't even like baseball.

00:23:36.000 It's alright.

00:23:37.000 I'm barely getting... I'm new to... I'm like a fucking 48-year-old teenager.

00:23:42.000 I'm learning about boxing, baseball, and this thing called rock and roll. 0.99

00:23:48.000 Where there's these bands called the Rolling Stones.

00:23:50.000 Have you ever heard of them?

00:23:51.000 They're pretty cool.

00:23:51.000 And Bruce Springsteen.

00:23:53.000 Punk kind of stunted my growth.

00:23:55.000 But anyway.

00:23:55.000 So he...

00:24:00.000 You know, Duncan's relaxed because he's an old man.

00:24:02.000 He's 10 and he's talking to a six-year-old.

00:24:04.000 And he says, OK, John, why don't you name some teams?

00:24:08.000 Name some baseball teams.

00:24:10.000 And Johnny's vulnerable now and he goes, there's Yankees, Red Sox, Blue Jays.

00:24:20.000 And then he goes, the Robins.

00:24:22.000 And then people laugh, because there's no such team as the Robins. 0.98

00:24:26.000 And Johnny is such a fucking alpha that he sort of cocks his head up, and he sees the whole family laughing at him. 0.99

00:24:33.000 And he's in his little fucking baby seat in the back seat. 1.00

00:24:35.000 No, it's booster seat. 1.00

00:24:36.000 He's got a booster now.

00:24:37.000 Johnny knows?

00:24:38.000 Yeah.

00:24:38.000 Oh, OK.

00:24:38.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:24:40.000 And he goes, hmm, let me see how many noobs I can name.

00:24:43.000 Uh, there's Duncan.

00:24:45.000 Uh, Duncan.

00:24:46.000 There's Duncan. 0.99

00:24:48.000 And I'm like, that's a fucking quality joke, dude. 0.98

00:24:52.000 You know what's even funny? 0.99

00:24:53.000 Like, that's a Chappelle joke.

00:24:55.000 I guarantee he's not watching Chappelle.

00:24:59.000 Best five rappers of all time.

00:25:00.000 You remember that one?

00:25:03.000 No.

00:25:03.000 Yeah, it's like a Chappelle-level joke that people quote.

00:25:06.000 What were the best five rappers of all time?

00:25:11.000 Daylon, Dylon, Dylon, Dylon, and Dylon.

00:25:14.000 Really?

00:25:15.000 Yeah.

00:25:15.000 It's literally a Dave Chappelle joke.

00:25:17.000 People quote it at my old job, my girlfriend quotes it, other friends quote it.

00:25:22.000 And by the way, like you were saying before, that's a joke that you'd want to say again, but the context is so perfect.

00:25:28.000 That's what the comic genius is.

00:25:30.000 Alright, now.

00:25:32.000 So that's the intro to the podcast.

00:25:33.000 But you can't repeat it again.

00:25:34.000 We finally repeated the podcast, and I know it's annoying to hear a dad talk about how brilliant his son is.

00:25:40.000 It's like people talking about their dogs or whatever.

00:25:41.000 Okay, so the reason I brought up abortion is we were talking about Planet Gay, and when you come up with scenarios, you have to keep the whole context involved.

00:25:56.000 For example, with abortion, people say, oh, you know, you talk to some chick and she goes, oh, I got knocked up by some black dude when I was 18 and I had an abortion.

00:26:06.000 Should I have kept the baby? 0.99

00:26:10.000 He'd be like fucking almost my age now. 0.99

00:26:13.000 And I wouldn't have had an education or a career. 0.99

00:26:15.000 I never would have met you, blah, blah, blah. 1.00

00:26:20.000 When they say that, they're taking their

00:26:25.000 world which allows for abortion and then having this one case where it was illegal.

00:26:32.000 No, in the world where abortion is illegal you don't have these kind of pregnancies because that girl she remembers when her sister had to go away for a year to camp when she was pregnant to deal with that and she remembers her cousin

00:26:53.000 Who's 17, who's been paying child support his whole life.

00:26:57.000 He's 23 now.

00:26:59.000 For a kid he never saw.

00:27:01.000 So in this pro-life universe, guys don't jizz in you as much.

00:27:08.000 You adapt.

00:27:09.000 Everybody adapts to it.

00:27:10.000 Because there's stakes.

00:27:11.000 But the world you and I grew up in, it was just like, go ahead, jizz.

00:27:15.000 She'll have like five abortions. 1.00

00:27:18.000 Everyone I know has had an abortion.

00:27:20.000 But many have had like five. 1.00

00:27:22.000 And it's just like, man, someone fucked up. 0.97

00:27:24.000 And I talk to guys, and I go, what happened with that? 0.99

00:27:29.000 You got her pregnant? 1.00

00:27:30.000 Did the condom break? 0.99

00:27:31.000 It's like, nah, I just came in her. 0.87

00:27:34.000 And I go, what?

00:27:36.000 What did you think was going to happen?

00:27:37.000 Was it a surprise?

00:27:38.000 He goes, yeah, kind of. 0.96

00:27:40.000 But we've been jerking off since before we could come, right? 0.99

00:27:43.000 I remember jerking off when I was 11. 1.00

00:27:46.000 My dick would just go beet red. 0.99

00:27:47.000 And I'd go, I should probably stop now, I'm going to break it. 0.99

00:27:49.000 Like, there's no jizz to come out of it.

00:27:51.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:27:53.000 I remember getting that first dew drop.

00:27:55.000 My friend actually did it before me.

00:27:57.000 That's a t-shirt. 0.99

00:27:58.000 I remember getting the first dew drop, and it's just a little tear at the end of the R. With a little kid's dick. 1.00

00:28:04.000 And then you're like, I'm not a pedophile, I'm talking about my own dick. 1.00

00:28:09.000 Oh, it's okay. 0.99

00:28:11.000 So you know what's funny though, is my friend told me about it, it's like, yeah, stuff's gonna come out one day, I was like... 0.99

00:28:16.000 Bullshit! 0.99

00:28:17.000 And it is. 1.00

00:28:18.000 It's like a glue gun.

00:28:19.000 You just leave off and it's like... I remember telling my friend Dale Aiken that I masturbated and nothing happened, obviously, I was too young. 0.96

00:28:27.000 And he goes, you fucking masturbate? 1.00

00:28:28.000 That's disgusting! 1.00

00:28:29.000 And I go, dude, I'm kidding! 1.00

00:28:31.000 Oh my god, are you crazy? 0.97

00:28:36.000 You don't get any jokes! 0.99

00:28:40.000 I remember my friend... Gross!

00:28:41.000 Oh yeah, I masturbated! 1.00

00:28:43.000 Yeah, I really tried it. 1.00

00:28:44.000 For some reason I was talking to my friend about jerking off and he was like, oh I don't do that. 0.96

00:28:49.000 My friend Jordan, and he was such a cookie cutter clean kid, he would cry because the Vikings lost. 0.95

00:28:54.000 Because like, my dad lives in Minnesota and I know he'd be upset. 1.00

00:28:57.000 I was like, no he'd be upset that his son's fucking crying like a fag. 1.00

00:29:01.000 But he was like, no, I don't jerk off. 1.00

00:29:02.000 I was like, you're weird, dude. 0.98

00:29:04.000 I didn't back up on it.

00:29:05.000 I doubled down. 0.98

00:29:06.000 By the way, conservative gadflies who scour our podcasts for any kind of political incorrectness, when he says fag, it clearly doesn't mean homosexual. 1.00

00:29:19.000 He means fag. 1.00

00:29:22.000 I would never offend somebody because of any reason. 0.99

00:29:26.000 I think one of the problems with us is 0.79

00:29:29.000 We live in a multicultural city, New York, and we talk to Orthodox Jews about secular Jews, we talk to gays about fags, we talk to blacks about blacks, we talk to Harlem blacks about Brooklyn blacks, and you end up hearing all these derogatory terms or patterns about groups, and the next thing you know, white people who don't hang out with these groups 0.98

00:29:53.000 Like, Harlem Blacks make fun of Brooklyn Blacks all the time, and they go, they don't know how to hustle, they're lazy, and they wear different pants. 1.00

00:29:59.000 Like, Brooklyn Blacks were wearing baggy pants way after skinny jeans got popular in Harlem. 0.96

00:30:06.000 Harlem? 0.86

00:30:06.000 Exactly. 0.86

00:30:07.000 And when a Brooklyn Black would get off the train in Harlem to visit his dad or something, the Harlem kids would be making fun of the Brooklyn kid for having, like, baggy jeans.

00:30:16.000 And the Harlem kids going to Brooklyn, that's a completely different story.

00:30:18.000 Completely different story.

00:30:20.000 It's almost like a different culture.

00:30:22.000 It's as different as, like, Orthodox Jews and Secular Jews.

00:30:25.000 And you know what they're doing?

00:30:26.000 They're actually, through us, because we're parroting different cultures, they're shaming those cultures via us. 0.90

00:30:33.000 They're shooting the messenger.

00:30:34.000 Meanwhile, we got the message.

00:30:34.000 You know what's another thing, too?

00:30:36.000 Spanish, they say, pendejo, maricón. 1.00

00:30:40.000 They call them culeros, which means you're a fag. 1.00

00:30:43.000 That's fag in Mexican. 1.00

00:30:45.000 Right. 1.00

00:30:46.000 And when they say fag... There's no word policing there. 0.99

00:30:48.000 When they say maricón, it's not like when you and I say fag. 0.99

00:30:52.000 When you and I say fag or gay, like that's so gay, we're kind of making fun of the way we spoke in grade school. 1.00

00:30:58.000 And I would argue that I don't want to defend that fucking Northam dude because he had that stupid ad with a truck with Dixie flags chasing down migrants. 1.00

00:31:09.000 And then he got caught with blackface. 1.00

00:31:12.000 But I would argue that

00:31:15.000 That yearbook picture where one of them is a Klansman and one of them is in blackface? 0.71

00:31:20.000 No one's brought this up.

00:31:22.000 Isn't that a parody?

00:31:23.000 Of racism?

00:31:24.000 Isn't it a parody?

00:31:25.000 It's not even... Aren't you mocking the whole concept?

00:31:28.000 Couldn't that be unity, too?

00:31:29.000 Where it's like, look, a Klansman and a black guy. 0.95

00:31:32.000 Get along.

00:31:32.000 You're making fun of the taboo.

00:31:34.000 It's sort of like when I say things are gay. 0.99

00:31:36.000 I'm making fun of calling something gay. 1.00

00:31:40.000 It's not like you're trying to be sinister, clearly. 1.00

00:31:43.000 Well, you're being ignorant. 0.99

00:31:44.000 You're ignoring the death and destruction. 1.00

00:31:48.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:31:49.000 So you're going to punish my ignorance from saying the evil for being dumb? 0.99

00:31:51.000 Like, dressing up as a Nazi for Halloween used to be acceptable. 0.99

00:31:56.000 I think it's funny to dress up as a Nazi for Halloween. 0.79

00:31:59.000 And the thing is, Nazis don't like that.

00:32:02.000 Like, when Prince Harry dressed up as a Nazi for Halloween... You're stealing Valor. 0.78

00:32:05.000 Stealing Nazi Valor.

00:32:06.000 It's not like Nazis went, Nazis went, finally.

00:32:10.000 Prince Harry has arrived.

00:32:12.000 Welcome to the dark side, Harry.

00:32:15.000 And that's the funny thing about Count Dankula, where he trained his pug to Zeke Hyall, and he had to pay an £800 fine, which he refused to pay. 0.99

00:32:23.000 He's going to the fucking... He appealed that he's going to go to the Supreme Court of Scotland. 0.96

00:32:28.000 But his point was, do you think that Nazis would be happy about this fucking pug? 1.00

00:32:36.000 Nazis wouldn't go, welcome aboard, pug. 1.00

00:32:40.000 Finally, a tiny fucking plate-faced dog agrees with us about the Holocaust. 1.00

00:32:47.000 I mean, I would have preferred a human, but beggars can't be choosers. 1.00

00:32:51.000 And we'll take pugs for now.

00:32:53.000 I'll tell you what.

00:32:54.000 When we get enough pugs. 1.00

00:32:56.000 You fucking Jews. 1.00

00:32:58.000 All you Pomeranians. 1.00

00:33:01.000 We'll start with the Jew dogs. 1.00

00:33:03.000 And then eventually we'll have thousands of pugs. 1.00

00:33:06.000 Like rats.

00:33:09.000 Just combing the streets at night. 0.64

00:33:12.000 Entering synagogues. 1.00

00:33:13.000 Just devouring.

00:33:14.000 I mean obviously to eat one pug will probably take like four months to eat a person.

00:33:21.000 But eventually it'll happen.

00:33:24.000 But you know, that whole thing of, like, Klansman, uh, black dude, it's almost like, you know, like, um, a cat and a dog falling in love or something. 0.77

00:33:33.000 Like, that joke of, like, two opposites unifying.

00:33:37.000 Could be a unity thing, too, instead of, like, a, look, I'm a Klansman, I'm a black guy.

00:33:40.000 I think it's really, it really is, like, we're getting along.

00:33:44.000 Isn't that funny?

00:33:45.000 Where two things that shouldn't get along get along.

00:33:46.000 Yeah.

00:33:47.000 Yeah.

00:33:48.000 It's just, it's Halloween.

00:33:50.000 Yeah.

00:33:50.000 It's, yeah.

00:33:51.000 It's silly.

00:33:51.000 For Halloween.

00:33:52.000 We're not literally a zombie.

00:33:53.000 Remember when we were trying to scare the kids?

00:33:55.000 And you came out going, yeah.

00:33:58.000 And I think I was a werewolf.

00:34:00.000 Yeah.

00:34:01.000 But we're at the beginning.

00:34:02.000 We did an episode of this.

00:34:03.000 We should probably release that on YouTube.

00:34:04.000 That was fun.

00:34:05.000 Yeah.

00:34:05.000 But we realized we weren't scaring the kids and you brought up a great point.

00:34:09.000 You go, they know we're human.

00:34:12.000 Like they don't go, oh a werewolf entered the McInnes household and so was a zombie.

00:34:17.000 They've been saving the zombie until October 31st.

00:34:20.000 What a coincidence!

00:34:21.000 And they also have candy.

00:34:22.000 What a coincidence!

00:34:23.000 The first night I've ever seen a werewolf and a zombie together is actually on Halloween where people dress up as zombies and werewolves.

00:34:30.000 We need to jump scare people. 0.99

00:34:31.000 We should get the fuck out of here. 0.95

00:34:34.000 So what we realized was 0.99

00:34:36.000 They know there's a scare coming.

00:34:39.000 So I took off my werewolf mask, and I would do this thing where I'd go, hello, hi, oh my god, I'm so happy to see you.

00:34:47.000 That was good, because that got them freaked out. 0.99

00:34:48.000 And distracted and locked into you, like, what is this fucker going to do? 1.00

00:34:51.000 Where's it coming? 1.00

00:34:52.000 And my house is getting known as the Halloween house.

00:34:54.000 Oh, cool. 0.99

00:34:55.000 Yeah, because it's been a couple years now of heavy shit. 0.99

00:34:57.000 The coffin thing? 0.99

00:34:58.000 I spend $1,500 every year.

00:34:59.000 And you're a race. 0.93

00:35:06.000 And people aren't used to seeing Asians in makeup.

00:35:10.000 Yeah, it's like, that is interesting.

00:35:13.000 I'm not used to it.

00:35:17.000 You don't often see an Asian with just all white on his face. 1.00

00:35:20.000 I thought I was used to the way I looked.

00:35:21.000 I didn't know you had a big nose until that night.

00:35:23.000 Oh yeah, because you had to put makeup on me.

00:35:24.000 I can't see it. 0.99

00:35:25.000 And then all of a sudden you've got this fucking giant schnoz and these weird little slits for eyes. 0.99

00:35:30.000 Somebody said I like his bell pepper nose on the cut of his jib in one of the comments. 0.99

00:35:35.000 I like this Ryan guy.

00:35:36.000 His bell pepper nose on the cut of his jib. 0.93

00:35:38.000 And we're living in a very white neighborhood, so when a zombie comes out they'll go, well at the very least it's going to be one of this old man's basketball coach friends, and he'll be a fat white guy, and then they see this weird slit eyes with your big fat Puerto Rican nose, and that adds another thing to the, and then you screamed your head off. 0.96

00:35:56.000 It's pretty much monstrous. 0.92

00:35:59.000 You know what I mean?

00:36:00.000 It really is, yeah.

00:36:01.000 Multiculturalism is monstrous. 1.00

00:36:04.000 Yeah. 0.73

00:36:05.000 You know, people come down on diversity.

00:36:08.000 It is handy on Halloween.

00:36:11.000 It's not just restaurants.

00:36:12.000 It's handy on Halloween.

00:36:14.000 Really, it's like a departure from the humanoid that you're used to already.

00:36:19.000 And then you put makeup on it.

00:36:20.000 It's really great.

00:36:21.000 I remember doing mushrooms and I looked at myself in the mirror. 0.99

00:36:23.000 I was like, what the fuck? 0.99

00:36:24.000 I felt not Asian. 1.00

00:36:26.000 And then you look at someone and you say you're an Asian.

00:36:28.000 Sometimes I feel bad about putting this in my book, Death of Cool, because I hope it didn't hurt the guy's feelings, but I grew up with this guy with a severe hair limp.

00:36:36.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:36:38.000 I read that chapter.

00:36:39.000 For like the first week, maybe, you notice it, and then you don't notice it anymore, and he's just the dude.

00:36:46.000 But we did really severe mushrooms, and

00:36:53.000 All of a sudden, I could see it again.

00:36:54.000 Right, right, right.

00:36:56.000 And then I started thinking, like, what does it feel like to be disfigured?

00:37:01.000 And he did the weirdest thing.

00:37:02.000 We were lying on our backs, and we were looking up at the sky, and we had a matching hallucination, which I still don't understand to this day.

00:37:10.000 And it was octagons that were rotating like cogs in a wheel, but somehow they all managed to match.

00:37:18.000 Which is impossible.

00:37:20.000 You can't have a sea of hexagons or octagons rotating and matching, because the other ones would get in the way.

00:37:27.000 Cogs in a wheel make sense, because they go like that, right?

00:37:30.000 The fingers go within the fingers.

00:37:32.000 But if this octagon goes like that, it's going to jam up the other one.

00:37:34.000 They would have to push up.

00:37:35.000 They'd have to expand first.

00:37:36.000 They can't work together, but they did in this hallucination.

00:37:40.000 And I go, I'm seeing a bunch of octagons.

00:37:42.000 He could have been lying too, I just realized.

00:37:44.000 Why, because you said yours first?

00:37:45.000 Yeah.

00:37:46.000 Okay.

00:37:47.000 Or maybe I gave him the hallucination.

00:37:48.000 But dude, I'm telling you, I did ayahuasca, and one of the most memorable things of it was you're not allowed to talk to each other.

00:37:56.000 Because if you say, look at that dragon, and somebody doesn't see it, that's kind of a bummer.

00:38:01.000 We're just not allowed to talk to each other.

00:38:03.000 Well, that dude at News Wars today was talking about how much he loved sweat lodges, which is the worst experience I've ever had.

00:38:11.000 Yeah.

00:38:11.000 And he said we were doing peyote in a sweat lodge with Indians.

00:38:14.000 Oh, wow.

00:38:15.000 And we saw these green things zooming around the room, and we were having the same hallucination at the same time.

00:38:22.000 How do you explain that?

00:38:23.000 Dude, I got the chills. 1.00

00:38:26.000 Don't get the fucking chills, dude. 1.00

00:38:27.000 No, I did. 1.00

00:38:28.000 I did.

00:38:28.000 Here's what happened.

00:38:29.000 Dechill yourself.

00:38:31.000 I can't.

00:38:31.000 The first guy saw that.

00:38:34.000 He said it out loud. 0.99

00:38:36.000 The other guys were so fucking high. 0.99

00:38:38.000 How about this? 0.99

00:38:38.000 That they folded time back and they saw it. 0.99

00:38:42.000 I saw it too.

00:38:42.000 No, no.

00:38:43.000 I promise you this.

00:38:45.000 Oh my god.

00:38:45.000 I promise you this.

00:38:46.000 So, we're doing Ayahuasca.

00:38:48.000 We're not allowed to talk to each other.

00:38:50.000 And we share experiences in the morning.

00:38:52.000 And one of the things that somebody else said that I jumped up at.

00:38:55.000 I was very quiet because I was

00:38:57.000 We're good to go.

00:39:10.000 I looked up in the sky, it was a cloudless night, and then you looked up upstairs, up in the sky, remember the hexagons thing that you said?

00:39:18.000 It was either like snake scales, like scales from a reptile, or like a hexagon.

00:39:24.000 And it was perfect patterns with perfect lines in between, and it was clouds.

00:39:29.000 And all of a sudden the whole sky was filled with those clouds.

00:39:32.000 And I remember that specifically, and I took it in, and then the person said that, and I was like,

00:39:37.000 The reason why I looked up is because the wind started blowing really hard out of nowhere.

00:39:40.000 There was no wind.

00:39:41.000 And I was like, that was right after the wind started blowing, right?

00:39:43.000 They were like, yeah, it was, we had a shared experience.

00:39:47.000 Yeah, I think there's a scientific explanation for that.

00:39:49.000 I don't, I don't think so.

00:39:50.000 I think there's a way that your eyes interpret color and shapes.

00:39:56.000 And when you do this drug all together, it fucks with that interpretation.

00:40:03.000 Like, you know the way flies see 86 images and they manage to amalgamate them?

00:40:09.000 Or even us, with our eyes, we see two things with our right eyeball and our left eyeball and it manages to amalgamate them into one thing using depth perception. 0.94

00:40:19.000 That drug sort of puts a little fucking computer virus into that process. 0.96

00:40:26.000 I hear what you're saying. 0.99

00:40:27.000 And it distorts what you see in the same way.

00:40:30.000 That happens too, but... 1.00

00:40:48.000 Your body goes, fuck it, man, the wall's going out. 1.00

00:40:52.000 Right. 1.00

00:40:53.000 It, like, decorrects all the things.

00:40:55.000 Oh, okay.

00:40:56.000 Yeah, but you can't make up clouds out of the sky.

00:40:58.000 I'm saying that you're absolutely right with that, but also this happened.

00:41:02.000 For sure.

00:41:03.000 Oh, yeah.

00:41:03.000 No.

00:41:04.000 Breathing walls, hexagons, fucking green lights, that's all explicable. 1.00

00:41:09.000 If there was a fucking giant elf who said, hello, Larry. 0.99

00:41:13.000 Well, now I'm going to have some trouble explaining that. 0.99

00:41:16.000 But you know that you saw it.

00:41:18.000 The hexagons?

00:41:19.000 Yeah.

00:41:20.000 Yeah, I think he did too.

00:41:21.000 But what if he said it first?

00:41:23.000 Would that... and you were like, you're not gonna believe me?

00:41:26.000 There's two things going on here.

00:41:27.000 One theory is that one guy says it first, and the other person just sees it.

00:41:32.000 The other theory is that we're all... His mind actually bends to it.

00:41:34.000 You and I are seeing hexagons right now. 0.99

00:41:37.000 And our brains are like, ignore the fucking hexagons, dude. 0.99

00:41:40.000 Like on my Land Rover, there's these thin, thin lines that are used to heat the windshield. 0.98

00:41:46.000 And they confused me my first few drives with it.

00:41:49.000 And now I can't even see them if I try to see them.

00:41:51.000 Oh, I see.

00:41:52.000 So if somebody brought it up, you'd be like, I did see that.

00:41:54.000 Because your brain did store it.

00:41:56.000 Yes.

00:41:56.000 But you're not, oh, OK, I see what you're saying.

00:41:58.000 OK, so this is when it got crazy.

00:42:00.000 So we're looking up at clouds.

00:42:02.000 And this is my book. 0.99

00:42:06.000 I go, that cloud looks like a weird fucking dude on a chariot. 0.98

00:42:11.000 Because we'd both seen the hexagons. 0.98

00:42:11.000 Do you see that? 0.98

00:42:14.000 And he goes, I see God.

00:42:16.000 You know those pin art things where you push your hand in one side and the hand comes out the other side?

00:42:21.000 And that's your face.

00:42:23.000 And God gives you your face. 1.00

00:42:24.000 And I was like, oh my God, he's getting close to the fucking cleft palate shit. 1.00

00:42:29.000 I see Garfield totally partying, smoking a dude. 1.00

00:42:34.000 Let's get the conversation going that way.

00:42:37.000 And he goes, and that's who you are forever.

00:42:41.000 Take it or leave it.

00:42:42.000 That's God's decision. 1.00

00:42:43.000 And I'm like, yeah, I totally see a guy on a skateboard saying, fuck you, dude, and doing an ollie over a giant pile of dog shit. 1.00

00:42:54.000 And he goes, do you know what I mean? 1.00

00:42:58.000 And then, when you're high, do you know what I mean? 0.99

00:43:00.000 It's like saying, I killed your mother. 0.73

00:43:02.000 You're like, stop partying, let's get serious. 0.99

00:43:06.000 And I go, yeah, yeah, I guess so.

00:43:09.000 And then he gets up, we're lying on our backs.

00:43:10.000 We're lying on our backs on the grass.

00:43:13.000 And then he leans up on his shoulder, he sits up, and he stares right at me.

00:43:16.000 And he goes, no, seriously.

00:43:18.000 Do you understand what I mean?

00:43:24.000 I should have said, like... What did you say?

00:43:26.000 I said, yeah, I know what you mean.

00:43:28.000 Anyway, and then we... And he goes, I really hope you know what I mean.

00:43:32.000 And he lies back on his back and he goes, because I'm going to ask you tomorrow about this.

00:43:36.000 Oh.

00:43:37.000 I was like, please.

00:43:38.000 Yeah, tomorrow will be great.

00:43:39.000 Tomorrow's fine.

00:43:40.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.96

00:43:41.000 We used to get so fucking high in high school. 0.95

00:43:44.000 We would do, like, piles of... 0.96

00:43:48.000 Canada, Ontario was weird.

00:43:49.000 You didn't smoke joints.

00:43:50.000 You didn't smoke marijuana cigarettes.

00:43:52.000 You would do a hash.

00:43:53.000 Hmm.

00:43:54.000 I don't know why.

00:43:55.000 Maybe it's because it's British culture. 0.90

00:43:57.000 So you, the way you do hash is you get a big bottle, like a three liter bottle.

00:43:57.000 Hash is awesome.

00:44:03.000 You put a rock in it and then you bash it against your foot until you make a hole in the base of the bottle.

00:44:11.000 Huh.

00:44:11.000 Then you break your hash up into boogers, and then with a cigarette that's inverted, so instead of holding the cigarette from your knuckles outwards, you're holding it from your knuckles inwards.

00:44:22.000 You scoop up the hash booger, and then you put it in the hole. 0.94

00:44:27.000 If a Canadian's hearing this, they're just going, yeah, it's called a bottle tote, dude.

00:44:31.000 But Americans, they sound like I'm going to the moon. 1.00

00:44:35.000 So you scoop up the booger with the hot part of the cigarette,

00:44:39.000 So it catches on to it?

00:44:40.000 It catches on to it, picks it up, then you put it in the bottle, you hold it, and all of a sudden the smoke gets super white.

00:44:46.000 And you know you're cooking the hash.

00:44:48.000 And then when you see you're done, you can tell because you start seeing cigarette smoke I guess, you throw the cigarette away, someone takes it from you, and now you have a broken bottle full of hash smoke.

00:44:58.000 And then you go...

00:45:00.000 And, oh my god, I was known as the Raunch King. 0.98

00:45:03.000 I just couldn't fucking handle it. 0.97

00:45:05.000 I'd be coughing and coughing. 0.98

00:45:06.000 I'd puke sometimes.

00:45:07.000 And then you're just as high as the Straits of Gibraltar.

00:45:13.000 So that's one thing we'd do.

00:45:13.000 We'd also do shrooms.

00:45:14.000 We'd have shroom parties where all the guys would get together and we were called the Monks because we were half mods and half punks.

00:45:21.000 I kind of think this is the origin of the Proud Boys in a way.

00:45:24.000 And we would do tons and tons of shrooms at my buddy Steve's house on Halloween. 0.99

00:45:29.000 So you're hanging out with a bunch of high school guys, getting high as shit, and... Oh, wait a minute. 0.99

00:45:35.000 I gotta go back. 0.99

00:45:37.000 The problem with hash and marijuana when you're young is it takes like 10 times to get a buzz.

00:45:44.000 So we would smoke hash, smoke pot, and we'd just sit around and go... not working.

00:45:50.000 And then there was one day...

00:45:53.000 We would go to these jock parties, too.

00:45:55.000 We were kind of the weirdos.

00:45:56.000 What did you call us?

00:45:57.000 The weirdies?

00:45:58.000 We were the weirdies.

00:46:01.000 I was living in the suburbs, so there wasn't a cool punk scene.

00:46:04.000 There was no hipsters in the burbs, so there was only about... Four outcasts. 0.99

00:46:10.000 Like you guys.

00:46:12.000 There was four outcasts, and then there was six normies who liked being with the outcasts.

00:46:12.000 Yeah, you're right.

00:46:18.000 Remember those guys who go to punk shows in a sweater?

00:46:21.000 Yeah.

00:46:22.000 I'm not getting a mohawk, but I like these guys better than my normal friends.

00:46:26.000 Some of them don't even have a thing, so those people are in there like, I guess I'll try this for a little bit?

00:46:30.000 Yeah, I'm gonna hang out with punks and weirdos, even though I'm not a weirdo, but I am a weirdo.

00:46:36.000 I don't get along with football players.

00:46:38.000 But there was only like one party every two weeks, so you go to this jock party,

00:46:44.000 Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:46:46.000 They didn't like us.

00:46:48.000 In retrospect, I'm like, we could have got along great. 1.00

00:46:48.000 No shit. 1.00

00:46:51.000 One weird thing about the jock parties is, they were football players and stuff, they would have showers. 0.99

00:46:58.000 I remember they'd be at a party, and they would go upstairs, like everyone was drinking beer, and they'd have a hot, hot shower.

00:46:58.000 What?

00:47:06.000 What? 1.00

00:47:08.000 That's weirder than goth shit. 1.00

00:47:09.000 What the hell? 1.00

00:47:22.000 That is weird activity. 0.86

00:47:22.000 Guys would have showers. 0.86

00:47:24.000 I don't think there were fucking chicks up there. 1.00

00:47:25.000 We were all too young. 0.99

00:47:26.000 We were like 14, 15, 16.

00:47:27.000 Maybe it was a reason to get naked?

00:47:30.000 Yeah, I think they had good bodies.

00:47:32.000 And they were like, hey!

00:47:33.000 It was like, I'm a man!

00:47:35.000 They were like Africans. 1.00

00:47:35.000 Look at me! 1.00

00:47:37.000 I don't like the poopoo.

00:47:39.000 I am a man.

00:47:39.000 I have a shower.

00:47:41.000 I am hot from the shower.

00:47:42.000 Son, when you are at a party, you take a shower so you can show off your body.

00:47:48.000 But you are not getting naked.

00:47:49.000 You show the woman your back knee, you show that it's closed, and you say, I am a man!

00:47:54.000 How do you get naked without making it socially awkward?

00:47:54.000 Pop quiz.

00:47:58.000 A shower?

00:47:59.000 Yes.

00:48:00.000 A shower.

00:48:01.000 They would eventually get drunk and kick us out, too, because they were like, these guys don't belong here.

00:48:04.000 They're not going to let us watch this.

00:48:05.000 It was sort of like a form of racism.

00:48:07.000 They didn't like these four blacks that were at the party, but they tolerated us until it was time to go.

00:48:12.000 Oh my God, I just thought of another story.

00:48:13.000 Remind me to tell you about the Eno Shenook party.

00:48:15.000 But anyway, so...

00:48:17.000 Uh, we're at this one party and, uh...

00:48:22.000 I remember if we were smoking a joint, and smoking a joint back then sucked too, because it would be a cigarette with bits of hash boogers in it.

00:48:30.000 And I don't like smoking cigarettes.

00:48:32.000 Never have.

00:48:32.000 So we're either doing bottle tokes or smoking a cigarette with hash in it, and all of a sudden, we started finally feeling it.

00:48:42.000 And this guy we called Skeeter goes, Hey man, are you feeling like little snakes go up your body?

00:48:48.000 And I felt a little giggly.

00:48:51.000 And then this guy, Peter Zabo, he just broke the ice perfectly.

00:48:56.000 He just put out his hand like this, like give me five, and he goes, slap me some skin, buddy.

00:49:04.000 It's giving me a flashback of how that would totally break, yeah.

00:49:07.000 But it was a school shooting.

00:49:12.000 It was the Bataclan.

00:49:15.000 Oh my god.

00:49:17.000 It just breaks your reality.

00:49:19.000 We had no spines anymore.

00:49:22.000 It was men in black.

00:49:23.000 We all collapsed. 1.00

00:49:25.000 It's the hardest I've ever laughed in my fucking life. 0.99

00:49:27.000 We were laughing so hard. 0.99

00:49:29.000 You know those laughs?

00:49:30.000 You don't get them after high school.

00:49:31.000 It's only high school laughs.

00:49:32.000 We were trying to put air.

00:49:35.000 And push it into your mouth. 0.56

00:49:36.000 You actually don't like laughing anymore. 0.99

00:49:37.000 I'm gonna suffocate.

00:49:38.000 You don't like laughing. 0.99

00:49:38.000 I'm dying. 0.99

00:49:39.000 You're like, please, can you stop, dude?

00:49:40.000 Like, call 9-1-1.

00:49:41.000 Yeah.

00:49:41.000 This is, I'm, I need help.

00:49:43.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:49:44.000 I'm fucking dying. 0.99

00:49:45.000 Dude. 1.00

00:49:46.000 Yes.

00:49:46.000 Screaming, laughing.

00:49:47.000 I don't know, I really wish that you, that is a great memory to have, dude.

00:49:50.000 Because I remember having that moment, but I don't remember what the trigger was.

00:49:54.000 But you remember, literally, he went like this.

00:49:57.000 Slap me some skin, buddy. 0.95

00:49:57.000 Slap me first. 0.95

00:49:59.000 Dude.

00:50:00.000 Oh my god, me and my friend.

00:50:01.000 I saw it in a movie recently too.

00:50:03.000 It was Robin Williams in Good Morning Vietnam and he was being a black guy and he was doing his jive thing and he said, yo slap me some skin. 0.92

00:50:13.000 And I realized Peter Zabel must have got it from that.

00:50:16.000 But then he added Bobby, which is 99% of the joke anyway.

00:50:19.000 Was there any Bobby there?

00:50:21.000 No!

00:50:21.000 He said it to Skeeter.

00:50:23.000 And from that day on, slap me became laughing your head off. 0.97

00:50:23.000 Slap me some skin. 0.97

00:50:28.000 And I stopped using it, obviously, because I've moved to a bunch of different places.

00:50:32.000 But when I go back to my hometown, I'll meet these guys sometimes and they'll be like,

00:50:36.000 No, it was really funny.

00:50:37.000 We had a bunch of slap me's and we went over to Rhoda's house.

00:50:41.000 Her son just graduated college and he's happy.

00:50:43.000 And he had a bunch of slap me's.

00:50:45.000 It's a descriptive.

00:50:46.000 It's just like a word.

00:50:46.000 It means laughing your head off.

00:50:47.000 Oh, that's great. 1.00

00:50:48.000 And they've maintained the fucking vernacular. 1.00

00:50:49.000 Dude, that's amazing. 1.00

00:50:51.000 I remember once me and my friend Larry... Rest in peace.

00:50:55.000 Should you always mention the fact that somebody's dead when they're dead?

00:50:59.000 Is he gay? 0.99

00:50:59.000 No, it's gay. 0.99

00:51:01.000 Larry actually just looked down at you and went, dude... He's like, I was alive then, so don't... They don't know me.

00:51:06.000 I wasn't dead at the time. 1.00

00:51:07.000 Just tell the fucking story. 0.99

00:51:08.000 We're sitting on a log... That's not me saying that, that's Larry. 1.00

00:51:10.000 Yeah, I know.

00:51:12.000 No offense taken, but I understand, sir.

00:51:13.000 Did you ever see Old School?

00:51:16.000 Remember Blue?

00:51:17.000 I take a piss in the sink.

00:51:18.000 The old guy?

00:51:20.000 Uh, Blue, the old guy.

00:51:22.000 I'm trying to just quote a funny line from the movie Old School.

00:51:22.000 We're sitting there.

00:51:25.000 I'm trying to say, at the funeral, Will Ferrell says, Blue, you're my boy!

00:51:30.000 And I'm sitting on the log, and I'm so high I don't know what to say, but I know I want to say something funny.

00:51:37.000 No, no, this is me and Larry while he was alive on a log.

00:51:40.000 We just smoked weed.

00:51:43.000 And I'm trying to reference that part, and I go, Boy, you're my blue!

00:51:50.000 I can't tell you...

00:52:07.000 How hard I was smiling as I took a piss. 1.00

00:52:10.000 I fucking hate you so much. 1.00

00:52:11.000 I was sitting there pissing. 1.00

00:52:12.000 It's almost amazing. 0.99

00:52:13.000 With like a fucking Chesire grin. 0.99

00:52:15.000 Hearing you bomb to whatever recording this is on. 1.00

00:52:19.000 An app and a GoPro.

00:52:19.000 To a GoPro.

00:52:21.000 Is this dead?

00:52:23.000 Is that not even recording?

00:52:24.000 So we lost some of that footage I suppose.

00:52:30.000 Well, who cares?

00:52:30.000 I don't care about the video.

00:52:31.000 Oh, no, it's low battery.

00:52:32.000 This is an audio podcast.

00:52:35.000 Yeah, that is awesome.

00:52:37.000 Did I bomb?

00:52:39.000 It's a good story.

00:52:40.000 I like the story, by the way.

00:52:41.000 Really?

00:52:41.000 Yeah.

00:52:42.000 But it's also funny that you lost it, because so much of those super jokes are based on the context of the time.

00:52:52.000 Yes, it is.

00:52:53.000 Which is why I'm suing the SPLC, because they're killing the whole concept of context.

00:52:59.000 And cherry-picking quotes and ruining the fun.

00:53:03.000 But that reminds me, I dated this chick, Nancy Wong. 1.00

00:53:07.000 She's... I think she's with the fucking... What's it called? 1.00

00:53:11.000 Oh, I know her. 1.00

00:53:13.000 Her worst enemy is Nancy White. 0.97

00:53:18.000 She's a really cool chick. 0.99

00:53:19.000 She probably doesn't want me identifying that we ever dated, but... Sure.

00:53:22.000 She's with Sound System.

00:53:24.000 What are they called?

00:53:25.000 LCD Sound System?

00:53:25.000 LCD?

00:53:26.000 Nice.

00:53:26.000 Yeah.

00:53:28.000 But her brother's, you know, he's kind of a normie.

00:53:32.000 He's a peasant noob. 0.89

00:53:33.000 I get pissed. 0.86

00:53:35.000 But he was, you can still hear me when I talk, right?

00:53:37.000 Yes.

00:53:38.000 So he's in Amsterdam and they get super baked, as everyone does when they go to Amsterdam.

00:53:44.000 Like you're used to normal joints and going there is like...

00:53:49.000 Smoking kryptonite joints. 0.97

00:53:50.000 I don't enjoy it.

00:53:52.000 Joints were as strong as they should be when I was a teenager in 1985.

00:53:56.000 They should have stopped the technology. 0.98

00:53:59.000 The government should have said stop making these better because they've turned these joints into these fucking LSD machines where 0.99

00:54:08.000 You're just, you just get too fucking big. 0.99

00:54:11.000 Like, I can't smoke pot. 0.99

00:54:12.000 My wife and I, every New Year's Eve, our New Year's resolution is, let's try to smoke more pot. 0.83

00:54:18.000 Which is more than, you know, once every eight months.

00:54:21.000 We just can't get it into our system.

00:54:23.000 It's just too much. 0.98

00:54:24.000 Anyway, so everyone who goes to Amsterdam goes, yeah, I'll have this, this, and this, and I'll try this strawberry fucking concoction. 0.96

00:54:31.000 And they get pin tunnel vision, and they go outside, and they puke on the sidewalk, and they have to go home. 0.97

00:54:37.000 It's a nightmare. 0.97

00:54:39.000 So, Nancy's brother goes there, and at the very beginning of the night, they decide that they're really gonna fucking give her. 0.97

00:54:50.000 And they smoke all the pot that they have in the shop, and all the different types. 0.94

00:54:55.000 And then they hear about some rave that's out in the country, and they go, let's do it, man. 0.99

00:54:59.000 Let's just fucking do it. 0.73

00:55:00.000 We're gonna do everything when we're here. 1.00

00:55:02.000 So they go, they get in the cab, and as soon as he gets in the cab, he shits his pants. 0.83

00:55:08.000 He shits his pants? 0.97

00:55:10.000 Yeah, enormous, just completely wets himself with diarrhea. 0.99

00:55:14.000 Fills his drawers with poo. 0.86

00:55:16.000 Oh my god.

00:55:17.000 And so he tells his buddies, I think they were all Asian by the way, so you'll like this story. 0.99

00:55:22.000 I hate Asians. 1.00

00:55:23.000 And he's like, guys, I can't go to the rave. 0.99

00:55:27.000 They're like, what are you talking about?

00:55:28.000 He's like, we've got to pull over.

00:55:31.000 We've got to get, like, wet moss or something. 0.99

00:55:35.000 Like, I've shit myself in a really bad way. 0.99

00:55:40.000 And they go, OK, I guess we're giving up on this plan because you pooed your pants? 0.99

00:55:47.000 He's like, I'm sorry. 0.99

00:55:47.000 I don't know what the fuck to do. 0.99

00:55:50.000 And then he starts kind of scoping areas that might have marsh. 0.99

00:55:55.000 And this is pre-Uber, so I don't know how he thought he was going to get back, but I don't think they cared.

00:55:59.000 So he goes, yeah, we'll pull over here.

00:56:00.000 And they go, uffen, schlappen, kupeln, lupen. 0.99

00:56:04.000 And they're like, yeah, yeah, that's, here's your fucking nine euros. 0.95

00:56:08.000 So he pulls, and he's like, sorry guys. 0.98

00:56:10.000 And they go, it's all right, man, whatever, we're fucking toasted.

00:56:13.000 And so he goes, I'm going to go over here, and I'm going to take off all my clothes, and I'll wash, I'll try to find like leaves and stuff. 0.90

00:56:19.000 And he pulls down his pants. 0.94

00:56:21.000 And he realized the whole thing was an anal hallucination. 0.98

00:56:25.000 No! 0.99

00:56:26.000 He hadn't shit his pants. 0.72

00:56:28.000 What? 0.97

00:56:28.000 He just thought he shit his pants. 0.97

00:56:30.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:56:31.000 So he has his pants at his ankles and he turns back to his friends and he goes, I didn't shit my pants! 0.89

00:56:40.000 And they go, they both go, yeah! 0.99

00:56:43.000 And they all cheer, and then they fucking laugh so hard that he, with his penis hanging out, actually starts, no, just collapses laughing. 1.00

00:56:52.000 So they have like, we're gonna die laughing. 0.99

00:56:56.000 And they laughed for like an hour at the fact that their friend is nude, like 40 feet away, in an anal cleaning area, that he had chosen from the cab. 0.99

00:57:07.000 Where he's gonna wash his buttocks and there was no need. 0.99

00:57:11.000 There was no diarrhea. 0.99

00:57:12.000 I didn't shit my pants! 0.84

00:57:16.000 You made it. 1.00

00:57:18.000 Like at his deathbed, he's gonna go, when I was a young man, I didn't shit my pants that one time that I thought I shit my pants. 0.97

00:57:25.000 But I took every precaution necessary. 0.98

00:57:30.000 I did give a lot of girls a lot of roofies. 1.00

00:57:34.000 And I killed a chicken now.

00:57:37.000 What?

00:57:40.000 No, but we used to do shrooms at Steve's house on Halloween and 0.96

00:57:45.000 I remember one time, it's funny how it creeps up on you and you think it's just a bunch of guys hanging out, and then you realize we're all fucking destroyed. 0.98

00:57:54.000 We're all maniac. 0.94

00:57:56.000 And then we noticed there was a large knife on the kitchen table.

00:58:00.000 And we go, that's got to get out of here.

00:58:04.000 I don't want that here.

00:58:05.000 But no one wanted to pick it up in case they went,

00:58:07.000 I'm a killer now.

00:58:08.000 Hello. 0.95

00:58:10.000 Hello, Clary.

00:58:12.000 So, we got a towel and we threw it on the knife and then we like bunched it up so it was within the towel and then we took the big ball of knife towel like into a hallway and then later on in a totally different hallway he had a house that had like a

00:58:34.000 This is common in Canada.

00:58:36.000 The living room opens up into a little mini alcove.

00:58:40.000 And then there's another door that opens up into the garage.

00:58:43.000 Because everything's so freezing cold.

00:58:45.000 You need like nine layers to get outside.

00:58:47.000 So, in that little area there's usually like a laundry machine and other shitty stuff you don't care about. 0.83

00:58:53.000 Mudroom! 0.56

00:58:54.000 A long linear mudroom.

00:58:56.000 And I didn't know this was going on because there's a lot of us.

00:58:59.000 There's like 14. 0.65

00:59:00.000 I didn't know this was going on but I open up the sliding door to the alcove before the garage and it's like the fucking garbage room in Star Wars where the walls were closing in and there's like eight guys and they're all like... 0.99

00:59:15.000 And I go, what the fuck are you guys doing? 0.99

00:59:18.000 And they're not like going, oh, we're being a garbage room. 1.00

00:59:21.000 They're just, they were all monsters. 0.88

00:59:23.000 There was about five of them, and their legs were sort of intertwangled. 0.99

00:59:28.000 And then we go, have you seen the fucking mud room? 0.95

00:59:31.000 And so we would get like food, like a piece of bread, and we'd open the door and throw it in there and close it. 0.98

00:59:36.000 And they'd be like.

00:59:39.000 Like they were monsters.

00:59:42.000 Then it got crazier.

00:59:44.000 It was Halloween.

00:59:45.000 So the doorbell would ring.

00:59:50.000 And Steve would go, uh, you.

00:59:54.000 And you would have to go out there. 1.00

00:59:56.000 Holy fucking shit. 1.00

00:59:57.000 Holy fucking shit. 1.00

00:59:59.000 Children. 1.00

01:00:00.000 And there'd be like a Bumblebee and Batman going, hello!

01:00:05.000 But it was literally a bumblebee and literally Batman.

01:00:08.000 You're like, Batman's working with bumblebees.

01:00:11.000 One was like, so in your head they say hello, but what you see is, where is he?

01:00:17.000 Just like actual... I am just landed on Earth and we want your candy.

01:00:22.000 Give him his candy.

01:00:24.000 I work with him on special cases and I'm here to make sure he's okay.

01:00:27.000 Batman, you don't have to explain yourself.

01:00:29.000 You're actually Batman.

01:00:30.000 By the way, thank you so much for keeping Gotham safe and this bumblebee.

01:00:32.000 I didn't know there was tiny two-foot bumblebee people.

01:00:37.000 I'm happy to give you candy.

01:00:39.000 You eat candies?

01:00:40.000 That makes sense.

01:00:41.000 You make honey, you need sugar.

01:00:42.000 And I just remember going like...

01:00:45.000 And I remember them going, wow, thanks mister!

01:00:49.000 I think I emptied the whole thing.

01:00:52.000 But the beauty of 14 guys at a party is, the you only happens like once.

01:01:00.000 Maybe twice.

01:01:02.000 Because that's 28 visits.

01:01:03.000 So math is in your favor.

01:01:09.000 That's another good shirt.

01:01:10.000 Math isn't your favorite.

01:01:11.000 On the right here, talking directly to the camera, it's like a, from Austin to Dallas, like a three hour ride, we came up with like five shirts.

01:01:19.000 Uh, gingers won't hurt you? 0.93

01:01:21.000 Or something?

01:01:22.000 I'm impressed you can remember them all.

01:01:24.000 I think I fucked that one up.

01:01:25.000 I can't remember any of them.

01:01:27.000 They're all good.

01:01:28.000 I remember another glitch with math.

01:01:29.000 Oh wait, my regular grandpa does regular coke.

01:01:32.000 Remember the t-shirt idea?

01:01:35.000 It was bumps and one hitters.

01:01:39.000 Like a bump of coke and doing a one hitter is greater than lines and blunts.

01:01:46.000 People don't do joints anymore.

01:01:47.000 Do people roll joints anymore?

01:01:49.000 Civilized people do. 1.00

01:01:52.000 People who have enough time to roll a blunt are fucking losers. 1.00

01:01:54.000 One time I was at 2A. 1.00

01:01:56.000 Is it 2A?

01:01:58.000 Yeah, across from Handsome Dick Manitoba's on A. And I was ordering cocaine, which I'm not proud of and I will never do again.

01:02:04.000 Sure.

01:02:05.000 I hope my kids don't listen to these podcasts.

01:02:07.000 But I get in the car and it's... I was gonna say a Puerto Rican and a black, but is there a difference?

01:02:15.000 They both have the end card, but no.

01:02:18.000 They're the same.

01:02:19.000 And we get in there and I'm like doing the deal.

01:02:23.000 This is back when you just spent 20 bucks.

01:02:24.000 Now you have to spend a hundred bucks to get a whole file.

01:02:26.000 This was just like a little doop.

01:02:28.000 It's not worth anybody's time to go less than a hundred or eighty.

01:02:31.000 Yeah.

01:02:33.000 And I'm like, let's do the deal.

01:02:37.000 I realized that I'd lived in New York long enough to know that I'm not a New Yorker.

01:02:42.000 And I'm not going to try to be like, yo, what's up?

01:02:45.000 I'll just be, hello, so here is your $20 and let's get started.

01:02:50.000 And they go, yo, man, can I ask you something? 0.95

01:02:51.000 We're having an argument with this nigga. 1.00

01:02:53.000 And I'm like, OK, I'm happy to contribute any way I can. 1.00

01:02:57.000 This nigga says that you you can't get high on just one blunt and you need at least two blunts to get a motherfucking high. 1.00

01:03:06.000 I think that's bullshit. 1.00

01:03:07.000 What do you think? 0.99

01:03:07.000 I was like well my understanding is a blunt is to quote-unquote slit a cigar up the side and empty the tobacco or whatever is inside there and then fill it with I assume is at least one gram of marijuana which is 0.99

01:03:24.000 What I would consider, even at the peak of my marijuana career as a young man, would be a month's supply.

01:03:30.000 Wow.

01:03:31.000 And you're talking about modern marijuana.

01:03:34.000 This is probably in 2005 or 2006, where pot was still incredibly strong.

01:03:41.000 Yeah.

01:03:42.000 So smoking an entire gram of marijuana in a large cigar surrounding

01:03:49.000 More than enough to get a person high.

01:03:53.000 So I would err on the side of your argument and I would disagree with the gentleman in the passenger seat.

01:03:58.000 But no offense, of course.

01:04:00.000 And they both looked at me like...

01:04:04.000 And I went, alrighty.

01:04:05.000 That's like me answering any question that you ever ask me.

01:04:10.000 I just got out of there.

01:04:12.000 You know, it's funny too, but you don't smoke two blunts by yourself.

01:04:16.000 You smoke blunts with seven other people. 0.99

01:04:19.000 Marijuana is so fucking strong. 0.99

01:04:22.000 I tried it for a video when I was doing the ad agency, Rooster. 1.00

01:04:27.000 And I was like, I want to do a video of an old guy smoking marijuana.

01:04:31.000 So I did a massive bong hit.

01:04:34.000 Dude, I took all my clothes off.

01:04:36.000 I was lying on a cement floor just to get the cool air.

01:04:39.000 You know, you want the coolness.

01:04:41.000 And I thought, I have to dial 9-1-1.

01:04:43.000 But the thought of, like, the gurney, and the whole process, and going down the stairs, and the elevator, like, waiting.

01:04:53.000 Like if I lived near a hospital, I just would have gone to the hospital.

01:04:57.000 Sure, sure.

01:04:57.000 But it was remarkably unpleasant.

01:05:01.000 Yeah, I don't get panic attacks or anything like that, but every time I smoke too much weed, I feel like I'm going to get a call from somebody saying that somebody I love has passed away.

01:05:11.000 That's always the thing. 0.83

01:05:12.000 I get high where I'm like, I turn off my phone, because if you were to text, like every time you email me, I'm like, oh shit. 0.99

01:05:20.000 This is my call to duty. 0.99

01:05:22.000 I know we're friends, but I have some shit to do. 0.95

01:05:24.000 If I get an email or text from you, like, I'm... Dude, where's that video from today? 0.98

01:05:28.000 Well, a lot of them are bad.

01:05:29.000 I know. 0.99

01:05:30.000 Like the fucking hidden... Why is there a podcast hidden? 0.97

01:05:33.000 I tried to log in, but the email, instead of... It's not blank at blank surplus dot com. 0.98

01:05:42.000 It's blank surplus at blank dot com.

01:05:47.000 So I got that wrong.

01:05:49.000 But here's the thing.

01:05:50.000 Can't you log into it now?

01:05:52.000 I'd have to log out of mine.

01:05:53.000 I don't remember mine either.

01:05:56.000 Well, I have my laptop here.

01:05:57.000 Anyway, let's not bore the people with minutia.

01:06:00.000 But yeah, I'm always afraid after I get high that I'm going to get some sort of important call to duty.

01:06:03.000 Yeah, you know what?

01:06:05.000 Drugs... Let's make something clear about drugs.

01:06:09.000 For the kids at home.

01:06:11.000 Marijuana is a harmless drug. 1.00

01:06:15.000 In the sense that you're never going to OD and it can make things funnier, especially in movies, it makes sex better, but it is a vice and it is bad for some shit. 0.99

01:06:28.000 It makes you lazy, it makes it hard to get out of bed in the morning, it hurts your grades, it kills your 0.99

01:06:35.000 It kills all libido. 0.98

01:06:36.000 It's not just your sexual libido, but it kills your like, I don't think I want to be a photographer. 1.00

01:06:41.000 So in your formative years, it's bad to be a fucking pothead. 1.00

01:06:44.000 If you can save it for a special occasion, that's smart and I can see it being advantageous. 0.99

01:06:50.000 But when it becomes part of your culture and you're the pothead at the school like Jeff Spicoli, 1.00

01:06:55.000 You just fucked yourself. 1.00

01:06:57.000 All right, that's that one. 1.00

01:06:59.000 Cocaine... It's kind of good for business.

01:07:04.000 If you went out the night before and you don't want to go out and there's a client in town.

01:07:07.000 I've made a lot of money off cocaine.

01:07:09.000 As a young man.

01:07:10.000 When you get to my age, you can't do it because you'll have a heart attack.

01:07:14.000 I don't know of anyone who OD'd on cocaine.

01:07:17.000 I've known a few people to empty their bank accounts.

01:07:19.000 They go to rehab.

01:07:20.000 It's kind of like pot.

01:07:22.000 It's kind of like booze.

01:07:24.000 Um, meth?

01:07:25.000 The harmlessness is almost the thing that's bad about it.

01:07:30.000 Yeah, because you're so functional on it.

01:07:34.000 Meth?

01:07:35.000 Now we're getting into a different area.

01:07:37.000 And I think it has a 99% rate of recidivism.

01:07:41.000 You're up for four days.

01:07:41.000 What does that mean?

01:07:43.000 When you quit, you go back.

01:07:44.000 Oh.

01:07:45.000 Well, I've done... I've had about a two-month period where I would... I don't even know how much it is, because I don't do meth, but I got a chunk given to me because I asked for Adderall, and this drug dealer didn't have Adderall.

01:07:58.000 So they were like, try this.

01:08:00.000 And I looked it up on Reddit to make sure I would do it safely, and there's this thing called microdosing that a lot of people do.

01:08:05.000 And I was like, well, I'll do that.

01:08:06.000 Never snorted, never smoked it, but you put it under your tongue or mix it with a yoo-hoo, something that coats your stomach.

01:08:11.000 And then I never went back to it.

01:08:13.000 And not only that, I got an offer to go back to it. 1.00

01:08:16.000 And I knew this was the most, like, the most addictive shit in the world. 0.99

01:08:20.000 But you just, I sparse that little amount throughout like two months. 0.99

01:08:25.000 So it was like, and I actually, when I got arrested at the NYU thing, that's why I got in trouble.

01:08:30.000 Not for defending myself against a tall fascist,

01:08:35.000 You know, Antifa guy, who is way taller than me.

01:08:39.000 They found meth in your wallet?

01:08:40.000 Yeah.

01:08:41.000 I told them about it before they even took it out.

01:08:42.000 I was like, listen, you're going to find a little surprise in there.

01:08:44.000 Why'd you tell them about it?

01:08:45.000 Because they were going to find it anyway.

01:08:46.000 Would they have?

01:08:48.000 Anyway, I'm getting worried about my kids here.

01:08:52.000 Uncle Ry Ry would never do that.

01:08:56.000 Speed is bad, but Adderall says amphetamine sulfate on the bottle.

01:09:02.000 So an entire generation of college students are speed addicts.

01:09:07.000 They do as much speed as Lemmy did, and he created Motorhead.

01:09:10.000 And if you listen to Motorhead, they're very fast.

01:09:15.000 Aces of spades!

01:09:17.000 Post-Aces of spades.

01:09:18.000 Look at late Motorhead, and you just hear

01:09:21.000 People on speed.

01:09:22.000 All right, so we got all those drugs.

01:09:24.000 They're all bad.

01:09:25.000 But wait, that is the Adderall thing.

01:09:28.000 It's so casual to do that. 0.92

01:09:29.000 I've had an Adderall in my drawer that I have not touched because I know it's a whole fucking two days.

01:09:35.000 I think this is like the problem with Boomers and Gen X. Boomers and Gen X don't get what Adderall is. 0.99

01:09:41.000 It's fucking speed. 0.99

01:09:42.000 I see women taking it. 1.00

01:09:44.000 If you do five milligrams at 7 a.m., five milligrams at 7 a.m.

01:09:48.000 and have a coffee,

01:09:50.000 That night at 11 p.m., like 1 a.m., you might get to sleep.

01:09:55.000 And that was however many hours before.

01:09:59.000 The kids today are doing 80 milligrams.

01:10:02.000 Dude, I think if you and I did 80 milligrams... I would die.

01:10:05.000 I think we might have a heart attack.

01:10:06.000 Yeah.

01:10:06.000 My heart's not very strong.

01:10:08.000 Like, we would... I don't think we could... I literally don't think we could do 80 milligrams.

01:10:13.000 You know what?

01:10:14.000 If you take a little bit too much Adderall,

01:10:16.000 You think you're going to get this essay done or this podcast, not podcast, video edited, but you wind up thinking of something else.

01:10:24.000 Oh, I'll just start doing that. 0.91

01:10:25.000 And now you're just fucking doing like three different things. 0.94

01:10:27.000 Yeah, I was told the trick is like if you have to do your taxes, you start doing your taxes. 0.98

01:10:31.000 I'm not advocating for Apple.

01:10:33.000 You start doing your taxes and then you take the hit and then you stay on that.

01:10:38.000 Right. 0.97

01:10:39.000 I met a lot of guys who would call Adderall Dadderall in New York because you work all day and you come home and you have to fucking tickle someone if you're calling Johnny a noob. 0.98

01:10:48.000 You're too tired. 0.93

01:10:50.000 But with Adderall you can go like you do like a 10 hour day.

01:10:55.000 You have a maker's mark at the bar after.

01:10:57.000 You get home and you're still ready to rock.

01:10:59.000 You're cooking dinner.

01:11:00.000 You're making money.

01:11:01.000 You make money all day and then you're the best dad in the universe.

01:11:04.000 Dadderall.

01:11:05.000 I met a journalist at the New York Times who wanted to do a story about it and every dad role dad I knew wouldn't talk to them because they didn't want to mix it up.

01:11:17.000 Drugs are bad for you.

01:11:18.000 They're a vice.

01:11:19.000 Alcohol's bad for you.

01:11:20.000 These are things we have to recognize.

01:11:22.000 Our worst nightmare as parents is our kids drinking and driving.

01:11:26.000 Marijuana, it's not gonna kill you, but it's not good for you during your developing years.

01:11:31.000 Same with cocaine. 0.99

01:11:32.000 Meth is just fucking insane. 0.99

01:11:33.000 What are you talking about meth? 1.00

01:11:34.000 Adderall is meth.

01:11:37.000 Ritalin is meth.

01:11:38.000 Alright, so we got all that out of the way.

01:11:40.000 Now there's a totally different category.

01:11:43.000 Psychedelics?

01:11:44.000 No, okay, let's mention psychedelics.

01:11:47.000 LSD, it's kind of good for you, I think, to try once or twice.

01:11:52.000 It expands your brain.

01:11:54.000 Seven, eight times, when it starts becoming a habit, I think it leads to insanity, schizophrenia.

01:11:59.000 It breaks your brain.

01:12:00.000 But I think, I'm not sure about how I feel about my kids, but I don't think it's unhealthy to have tried a hallucinogenic once.

01:12:09.000 The Indians do peyote all the time. 1.00

01:12:12.000 Magic mushrooms, LSD.

01:12:14.000 A lot of—I got this book, Rules for Radical—not Rules for Radicals, obviously, but Radical—what's it called?

01:12:25.000 Anyway, it's this book where all these scientists who tried acid, James Watson, who helped sequence the genome, and Steve Jobs, they said that acid helped them.

01:12:37.000 So I think in very small doses, hallucinogenics have a good argument.

01:12:41.000 MDMA, GHB.

01:12:44.000 Sure.

01:12:44.000 Recreationally, you go to a dance club.

01:12:46.000 I wasted the 90s on that shit. 1.00

01:12:48.000 It milks your emotions, though. 1.00

01:12:50.000 Yeah, you get really depressed on Monday.

01:12:52.000 Hence the band.

01:12:54.000 Happy Mondays.

01:12:55.000 Manic Mondays? 0.81

01:12:56.000 Happy Mondays?

01:12:57.000 Happy Mondays. 1.00

01:12:58.000 Fuckface. 1.00

01:12:59.000 Manic Mondays. 1.00

01:13:02.000 What are you, my mother-in-law? 1.00

01:13:04.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

01:13:06.000 So all those drugs, blah, blah, blah. 1.00

01:13:07.000 So those are drugs.

01:13:08.000 And they're very dangerous.

01:13:11.000 You have to keep your wits about you. 0.87

01:13:13.000 And as a parent, I'm obviously totally paranoid about them fucking up with any of those.

01:13:18.000 But that's a category, right? 0.96

01:13:20.000 Got it.

01:13:21.000 Now there's a separate thing.

01:13:22.000 I wish these weren't called drugs.

01:13:24.000 Opioids are a different universe. 0.99

01:13:28.000 They should be called, like, flugs. 1.00

01:13:31.000 Like, uh...

01:13:32.000 Like, uh, plugs.

01:13:33.000 How about, how about, uh, hell tastes?

01:13:36.000 Hell tastes? 0.76

01:13:37.000 It's like hell hors d'oeuvres.

01:13:38.000 Then it's hell tastes.

01:13:39.000 Yeah.

01:13:40.000 Like, all those other things are, are up there with overeating. 1.00

01:13:43.000 Those are civilian shit. 1.00

01:13:44.000 Opioids is... Planet gay. 1.00

01:13:47.000 Is, is gambling with the devil. 1.00

01:13:49.000 Yeah, it's planet... 1.00

01:13:51.000 Fuck everything. 1.00

01:13:52.000 What's that song where the guy's, like, playing blackjack with the devil? 1.00

01:13:55.000 Devil Went Down in Georgia?

01:13:56.000 The Violin Battle.

01:13:57.000 Yeah, the Violin Battle.

01:13:59.000 That's what opioids is.

01:14:00.000 And you've lost a friend recently.

01:14:02.000 Yeah.

01:14:03.000 I've done opioids and I know why you keep doing them.

01:14:07.000 Well, the thing with opioids is... But that's why you stop doing them, too.

01:14:09.000 They feel good, sure.

01:14:12.000 You feel like Logie. 1.00

01:14:14.000 It's like seven supermodels are giving you a blowjob at the same time. 1.00

01:14:18.000 In your stomach. 0.99

01:14:19.000 But you can get that from like a Xanax, a beer, and a joint.

01:14:23.000 We're just treating people nicely.

01:14:25.000 You can get close to there.

01:14:26.000 You can get close to there.

01:14:27.000 Say heroin is a 9.

01:14:29.000 You can get to a 7.5 or an 8 without risking dying.

01:14:34.000 And I always say this to young people.

01:14:35.000 I go, there's two hot chicks in front of you. 1.00

01:14:39.000 That chick is a 10 and she has AIDS. 1.00

01:14:43.000 This chick is an 8 and she does not have AIDS. 1.00

01:14:47.000 Um, you can't wear a condom, who do you want to fuck? 1.00

01:14:50.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:14:50.000 Fucking hate. 1.00

01:14:50.000 That's a great point. 1.00

01:14:51.000 There's no need to fuck a tan. 1.00

01:14:53.000 You're right. 1.00

01:14:54.000 Opioids are not worth the risk.

01:14:56.000 Yes, they feel slightly better than other drugs, but you're going to die.

01:15:01.000 Sure.

01:15:02.000 And you know what's so ironic about it is you start loving stuff again, and you're like, you want to clean your room and like improve your life, but it's over.

01:15:10.000 If you keep doing it, it's just over.

01:15:11.000 So all the things that you're loving is gone.

01:15:13.000 I think of my friend Dash Snow. 1.00

01:15:16.000 Like, I've had so many friends die from heroin, and I think my attitude was always, fuck you. 1.00

01:15:22.000 And then for some reason... You grumpy Adam? 1.00

01:15:24.000 Like, you're like, you fucking idiot? 1.00

01:15:25.000 Yeah, like, you fucked up, you stupid asshole. 1.00

01:15:27.000 Right. 1.00

01:15:28.000 I've heard that before, but I don't feel the same.

01:15:30.000 But with Dash, I don't know why I ran out of apathy, but I just went, I started crying.

01:15:36.000 And I thought of his daughter and his wife.

01:15:38.000 I don't know if they were married.

01:15:40.000 His baby mama.

01:15:43.000 And I honestly...

01:15:45.000 I think that there was this demon on his shoulder and this is totally made up obviously I have no evidence but I feel like because what happens when you OD is your lungs forget to breathe so you suffocate right and I feel like as he was drifting away you know we hear these stories of like the light and you get called to death and then you go no I'm not gonna do it you

01:16:10.000 You come out of the water or something and you're like, I'm not gonna... Your body fights to survive.

01:16:14.000 Under any circumstance it fights to survive.

01:16:16.000 You sense you're near the edge and you go... Your body doesn't let you die.

01:16:22.000 It's not supposed to happen.

01:16:24.000 It doesn't let people you love die. 1.00

01:16:25.000 Your adrenaline lifts up a fucking car and shit. 1.00

01:16:28.000 So there's a turning point where you can sense you're going past the point of no return. 1.00

01:16:32.000 And I'm just obviously just making this up, but I feel like Dash...

01:16:37.000 Snow was sort of drifting and drifting and he goes, uh oh, I feel like the lungs are going to shut down soon.

01:16:44.000 And then there was a demon on his shoulder, the heroin demon.

01:16:46.000 I'm honestly starting to believe that Satan lives in certain drugs.

01:16:50.000 Not all drugs.

01:16:51.000 He doesn't live in pot.

01:16:52.000 Evil is real. 1.00

01:16:53.000 But he lives in fucking heroin. 1.00

01:16:56.000 And he said to Dash, let's just go. 1.00

01:17:01.000 Let's go.

01:17:01.000 Right.

01:17:04.000 But what about my daughter?

01:17:05.000 Your daughter, she'll be fine.

01:17:07.000 Let's go.

01:17:09.000 You think you feel good now?

01:17:10.000 You want to know the ultimate joy?

01:17:12.000 Nothing.

01:17:13.000 Nothing.

01:17:14.000 Come with me to the abyss.

01:17:18.000 You think this feels good?

01:17:19.000 And it does feel good.

01:17:20.000 But I want to take you to pure blackness. 0.98

01:17:23.000 And that's a moment.

01:17:24.000 Come with me to pure blackness.

01:17:26.000 And you might go, yeah, let's try it.

01:17:29.000 Let's try it.

01:17:30.000 We'll just try it.

01:17:37.000 And he's dead. 0.99

01:17:39.000 And then he's just a rotten cadaver. 0.69

01:17:42.000 And he's at the funeral home and they're pumping out his blood.

01:17:46.000 See, that I never pictured.

01:17:48.000 You're not like floating in outer space.

01:17:51.000 You're not this cool creature.

01:17:53.000 You're just like a guy and they're taking your pants off and putting like tuxedo pants on your weird dead legs and putting like black socks on your dead foot and then a shoe. 0.96

01:18:04.000 It doesn't matter if the shoe fits. 0.93

01:18:05.000 Right.

01:18:05.000 It's not going to hurt your foot.

01:18:06.000 Sure, right.

01:18:07.000 And then they put some rouge on your cheeks.

01:18:10.000 Oh my god.

01:18:13.000 And then cremated, too. 0.72

01:18:14.000 It's like, your body just burned alive.

01:18:17.000 The hand that gave me handshakes, and, hey, come in here, and hug you. 0.61

01:18:20.000 Burned alive? 0.99

01:18:24.000 Burned. 0.91

01:18:24.000 Yeah. 0.91

01:18:24.000 Dead. 0.91

01:18:25.000 Well, I think they have the person you looked at is now just either rotting or burned purposely or like touched by some strangers that are like joking while they're doing it. 0.98

01:18:36.000 Dude, so on Friday I fucking... Hold on, this fucker's pants are... I fucking hate the Rams. 1.00

01:18:39.000 The coldness. 1.00

01:18:39.000 I don't want them to go near the Super Bowl. 1.00

01:18:41.000 Oh, man.

01:18:42.000 It almost makes me want to do it myself. 1.00

01:18:44.000 Well, I'll fucking dress him up and shit. 1.00

01:18:46.000 You guys don't care about this fuck. 1.00

01:18:48.000 To you, he's a fuck. 1.00

01:18:49.000 To me, he's my fucking best friend. 1.00

01:18:51.000 I've only lost my best friend to drugs. 0.99

01:18:52.000 I've lost other people in our town to drugs, like numerous, but you never think you're gonna lose your back.

01:18:58.000 So, for those of you who just tuned in, welcome back to the Cheery Podcast.

01:19:02.000 What we like to do is uplift you.

01:19:05.000 Remember that demon thing that you were saying? 0.98

01:19:06.000 It's like that shared experience, where you can't confirm whether the devil's sitting there like, let's just fucking go. 0.98

01:19:13.000 But, 1.00

01:19:14.000 That's the one shared experience you can't be like, yeah, I had that demon say the same shit to me. 0.99

01:19:19.000 Exactly, yeah. 0.98

01:19:21.000 I mean, I've heard of these guys like Shane Smith, the guy I started Vice with. 0.99

01:19:24.000 His dad almost died in a sailing accident and he got all tangled up in the fucking ropes. 0.97

01:19:30.000 I don't know about sailing. 0.99

01:19:32.000 Me neither.

01:19:32.000 And it went upside down and it started sinking.

01:19:35.000 So he's going down, down, down, down.

01:19:37.000 Whoa.

01:19:38.000 And he's wrapped up in all these cords.

01:19:40.000 That's hell. 0.77

01:19:41.000 And he goes, I'm gonna die.

01:19:43.000 And he realizes, and it's sinking fast. 0.99

01:19:45.000 That sucks. 0.99

01:19:46.000 And he, I'm getting, I'm fucking panicking thinking about this. 1.00

01:19:50.000 I wish you could have been there while it was happening and just been like, with a scuba suit and go, do this, this sucks. 0.98

01:19:58.000 Dude, I can't save you. 0.99

01:20:00.000 Dude, you're gonna die. 0.83

01:20:05.000 Dude, they're all locked up in burlops! 1.00

01:20:09.000 Shane likes to embellish, so I don't know how much is true, but apparently Charles had this epiphany where he went, fuck this. 1.00

01:20:16.000 I'm not going to die. 0.99

01:20:17.000 And he started like, bye bye.

01:20:19.000 Like ripping the cords out of the rivets that they were held on to.

01:20:23.000 The thing that's not supposed to do that.

01:20:25.000 And like getting it off of him, the sail.

01:20:31.000 Almost risking, what's that thing you get where you go up too fast, like the bends?

01:20:36.000 I don't know what it's called.

01:20:37.000 Yeah, missing the bends. 1.00

01:20:42.000 So I think we all have this instinct where we sense the turning point and our body goes, dude, let's fuck it. 1.00

01:20:49.000 Everything. 0.99

01:20:49.000 And I think heroin gets on your shoulder and goes, I know you want to say like, let's fucking do this. 0.99

01:20:56.000 Like you're Mr. Charles, Mr. Sailor, and you're going down with the ship. 0.98

01:21:00.000 That's not you, dude. 1.00

01:21:02.000 That's gay. 1.00

01:21:04.000 Don't do that. 1.00

01:21:04.000 Trying is for fat. 1.00

01:21:06.000 Trying is for fat.

01:21:08.000 Come with me into the abyss.

01:21:10.000 It's awesome.

01:21:11.000 There's chicks there. 1.00

01:21:12.000 Everyone's goth. 0.78

01:21:16.000 The elevator girl playing the keyboard, why can't I be you?

01:21:18.000 And you're gonna be the leader.

01:21:20.000 You're gonna be the leader of the hell goth scene.

01:21:22.000 And the guy's like, you're probably lying, but you know what? 1.00

01:21:24.000 Fuck it. 1.00

01:21:25.000 You drive a heart and no brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr 1.00

01:21:36.000 You know what's crazy?

01:21:38.000 I think my theory is you start thinking about everybody you love and stuff because you're pretty much saying bye to it.

01:21:42.000 Because every time it would come up, you'd be like, dude, you're my best friend.

01:21:46.000 Hey mom, how you doing?

01:21:48.000 Because you're just pretty much saying bye because you're like detached from it all.

01:21:51.000 You're like, bye, I love you.

01:21:54.000 It's a big goodbye.

01:21:55.000 I've talked about this on the show before, but the best book on heroin

01:22:00.000 Addiction and overdoses.

01:22:02.000 The guy's sister who wrote the book to him?

01:22:04.000 Yeah, Harris Whittle's sister.

01:22:06.000 Everything is Wonderful and Horrible or something.

01:22:10.000 And it's written as a letter to him.

01:22:12.000 And I wish these junkies could realize that while you're self-indulging and thinking about being the head of the goth thing in the afterworld and just like it's It's more self-indulgent than someone who just beats off 50 times a day. 0.98

01:22:29.000 You're sub-wanker. 0.97

01:22:31.000 Your soul is getting a cheat code. 0.98

01:22:33.000 I've seen Philip Seymour Hoffman on the cover of Rolling Stone.

01:22:37.000 I remember Drake was all pissed.

01:22:39.000 Drake?

01:22:39.000 Drake was going to be on the cover of Rolling Stone, but Philip Seymour Hoffman scooped him by dying.

01:22:46.000 Oh. 0.99

01:22:52.000 I resented Philip Seymour Hoffman being on the cover of Rolling Stone because he was such a fucking junkie that he realized I have kids and I don't want them seeing my syringes and heroin and shit. 0.99

01:23:03.000 So instead of going, I should stop, he goes, I'll just have my heroin apartment. 0.99

01:23:08.000 So he had another apartment like four doors down where he would focus.

01:23:12.000 Great band, by the way.

01:23:15.000 Their cover band.

01:23:17.000 And their album cover has Philip Seymour Hoffman on the front.

01:23:22.000 The Rolling Stone cover.

01:23:25.000 So that was just his heroin house.

01:23:27.000 Now, you know what?

01:23:30.000 I can forgive you if you have a coke house. 1.00

01:23:33.000 If you're like, I love coke and every four days I like to put on 80s music and cut out some lines in my coke apartment. 0.98

01:23:40.000 I mean, I think you're fucking weird, but that's not ruining lives. 0.98

01:23:45.000 But when you have a heroin apartment... Everything is horrible and wonderful. 1.00

01:23:47.000 Everything is horrible and wonderful.

01:23:49.000 When you have a heroin apartment, you know you're gonna die.

01:23:53.000 You have a death room.

01:23:56.000 I don't have the data, but I would say 2% of heroin addicts can do it in the long run.

01:23:59.000 You have a coffin with a bed and a couch in it. 1.00

01:24:05.000 Yeah, and you have fucking kids. 1.00

01:24:10.000 Before I had kids, if there was a bar fight, I've said this a million times, if there was a bar fight, the first thing I would do is grab my phone and run over there and try to get basically white world star. 1.00

01:24:21.000 Like, I want to get this.

01:24:22.000 And I got some great fights.

01:24:25.000 Now that I have kids, if there's a bar fight, I'm out the back.

01:24:29.000 I'm Precious Cargo.

01:24:30.000 I don't have kids and I would never do that.

01:24:34.000 If I was at a bar and some little woman was being hit by a dude, I would intervene. 0.99

01:24:38.000 But outside of really obvious justice, I don't want to get any trouble.

01:24:42.000 Obvious Justice is a good one.

01:24:44.000 Obvious Justice are playing at the Rickery Lounge at the Hardcore Festival with Gorilla Biscuits.

01:24:50.000 They're opening for Gorilla Biscuits.

01:24:52.000 And the Slap Me One Bobby I think is their opening.

01:24:56.000 Give me a slap, Bobby?

01:24:58.000 Did I forget it already? 0.97

01:25:26.000 They have this conservative and socially conservative view that there's like the good people with the suit and ties and then there's the hippies who get up to all that degenerate stuff. 0.96

01:25:38.000 I want to be a conservative on the degenerate side and say, hi, I'm here with the hippies and the degenerates and the weirdos, and I want to say that a lot of them are fucking up bad, but a lot of them are doing a fine job. 0.96

01:25:53.000 There's a lot of functioning potheads that you conservatives don't need to vilify. 0.98

01:25:57.000 There's a lot of cool gay dudes that aren't trying to sabotage Christianity.

01:26:03.000 I'm here sort of in the eye of the storm going it's important that we differentiate within the left between the psycho ex-girlfriends that are getting everyone fired and the normal left-of-center liberals who just like I don't know they're not entrepreneurial they don't respect the free market as much as I do they seem to have faith in the government but they're not evil and even within the world of drugs

01:26:30.000 There's marijuana, there's some guy that does cocaine on the weekends.

01:26:34.000 They're not a risk to society. 0.98

01:26:37.000 But the beauty of fucking talking about all this is we can differentiate between things like a joint and opioids. 0.98

01:26:49.000 And I think our young people have to know. 0.99

01:26:52.000 I sound like Steve Harvey now.

01:26:53.000 I've been listening to your words and I've been talking to the young people.

01:26:55.000 I've been thinking my thoughts.

01:26:57.000 I've been thinking my thoughts.

01:26:58.000 I've been eating my eats.

01:26:59.000 But when there's discourse, when there's dialogue, when the curtains are open and you say... I'm speaking to conservatives now.

01:27:08.000 Guys, yes, you're right.

01:27:10.000 Drugs are bad.

01:27:10.000 Marijuana is bad.

01:27:12.000 But there's things that are more bad and less bad. 1.00

01:27:14.000 And coke and all that other stupid shit, it's just like bad for you like booze is bad for you. 1.00

01:27:21.000 Then there's opioids. 1.00

01:27:22.000 Then there's fentanyl.

01:27:24.000 Difference between a middle finger and touching a stranger in the face.

01:27:27.000 Because when you just go, don't do drugs to kids, they go, well, fentanyl and pot are the same. 0.99

01:27:32.000 Kids, don't do drugs, but if you're going to do drugs, understand that there's different categories and there's stupid drugs like pot and then there's a fucking Russian roulette like fentanyl and oxy and opioids and heroin. 0.99

01:27:47.000 That is spinning the chamber. 0.99

01:27:49.000 And this is a problem with the SPLC trying to shut down dialogue.

01:27:52.000 We're ruining nuance.

01:27:54.000 And nuance is fascist.

01:27:58.000 The death of nuance is the birth of fascism.

01:28:01.000 And if you can't tell kids that there's a difference between pot and fentanyl, then they try pot and they go, that wasn't so bad.

01:28:10.000 That horror movie just became way scarier, but I'm fine.

01:28:13.000 Or that comedy just became way funnier.

01:28:14.000 I think I'll try heroin.

01:28:16.000 No, I want to be there to go, no, no, no, there's different types of drugs.

01:28:20.000 You took the scary movies are scarier, funny movies are funnier drug.

01:28:25.000 This is the Russian Roulette drug.

01:28:27.000 They're in a totally different universe.

01:28:32.000 It's true.

01:28:33.000 You know what it does too? 1.00

01:28:34.000 It turns people into fucking robots because it's binary. 1.00

01:28:38.000 Either you're 0 or 1. 1.00

01:28:40.000 Bam! 0.98

01:28:40.000 That's it. 0.98

01:28:41.000 No nuance, no color.

01:28:42.000 It's Soviet.

01:28:44.000 It's Russian.

01:28:45.000 And I was talking to our buddy Chuck about that and he said, no dude, it's worse than Soviet Russia. 0.73

01:28:51.000 He said,

01:28:54.000 In Soviet Russia, you would do the gulag, you'd be punished for your wrong think, and then you're rebooted and you're fine in society.

01:29:00.000 In our society, once you're a racist, you're Jerry Sandusky.

01:29:06.000 Even if you were a bona fide racist, which is rare, you can never be redeemed.

01:29:13.000 But it's worse than that. 0.99

01:29:13.000 If you're accused of racism, or you knew a racist, or you fucking said hi to a racist, you're still irredeemable forever. 0.99

01:29:19.000 So in a way, 0.99

01:29:21.000 America's become less free than Soviet Russia. 0.98

01:29:24.000 And why the fuck do I have to talk on encrypted apps? 0.97

01:29:27.000 Why do I have to hide from nerds? 0.96

01:29:28.000 Why do I have to say, like, oh, I had a donut with, uh... You know what's funny?

01:29:33.000 I have a picture with somebody very unsavory, and they came up to me, recognized me, and took a picture with me. 0.99

01:29:38.000 I didn't know who the fuck they were. 0.99

01:29:39.000 Turns out they're very unsavory. 1.00

01:29:41.000 What do you mean unsavory?

01:29:42.000 Like Antifa?

01:29:44.000 No.

01:29:44.000 Like, uh, far... Like, super far right.

01:29:46.000 Oh.

01:29:47.000 Oh, I see. 0.99

01:29:47.000 But I didn't know who the fuck they were. 0.99

01:29:49.000 I was... 0.99

01:29:50.000 Yeah, you're in a picture with him now.

01:29:51.000 I like Trump, that's it.

01:29:52.000 Right, right, right.

01:29:52.000 Anyway, so, you know, it's like, what, I'm hiding from some nerd who has too much time on his hands?

01:29:59.000 Fuck you. 1.00

01:30:00.000 How about fuck you? 1.00

01:30:01.000 How about whatever? 1.00

01:30:02.000 Do whatever you want to me, because there's two ways to go about it.

01:30:05.000 You're careful, 1.00

01:30:06.000 Or you're like, if you're going to be a fucking nerd and try to rat me out, you're a tattletale and a fucking pussy, and fuck you. 1.00

01:30:12.000 But also, you have to live in so much fear that when someone goes to take a picture with you, you start panicking and go, who are you? 1.00

01:30:17.000 What's this?

01:30:18.000 No, I'm not taking a picture with you.

01:30:19.000 I don't want to question my fellow man.

01:30:21.000 That's Russia. 0.84

01:30:21.000 I don't want to be paranoid. 0.84

01:30:22.000 That's North Korea. 0.86

01:30:23.000 I don't want to be in a picture with you.

01:30:24.000 You might be part of the resistance.

01:30:25.000 You might be part of the evil group. 0.99

01:30:28.000 You know what, I take all their power away from it by, I'll fucking walk into the ocean of fucking exile if I want to, but I'm not gonna fear some fucking nerd looking for like, oh he fucking took a picture of this person. 0.99

01:30:40.000 Tattletails. 1.00

01:30:41.000 Fuck him. 1.00

01:30:41.000 Turgeon tattletails. 1.00

01:30:42.000 Alright, I gotta piss, let's go. 0.98

Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - February 15, 2019

Get Off My Lawn Podcast #113 | Let's list all the people who are a noob

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Transcript