In this episode, the boys talk about a variety of topics, including the first time they met a gay guy in a bar, how they met each other's parents, and what it's like to be gay on Planet Gay. They also talk about what it means to be a homoerotic planet, and why they don't have sex on the toilet. Also, we talk about the fact that we can't be gay if we live on Planet Homosexual, which is a place where everyone else is gay but we don't even realize it because we're not allowed to get jizz on our food. We also get into a lot of other stuff, including our new nickname, "Merman," and we discuss why we don t have sex in the bathroom. And we talk a lot about sex in general. We hope you enjoy this episode and that it doesn't suck as much as it does in the rest of the episodes. Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Thank you to our sponsor, Caff Monster Energy. Don t forget to rate, review, and subscribe on Apple Podcasts! and spread the word to your friends about this podcast! Timestamps: 1:00 - What is a gay planet? 4:15 - What does it mean to you? 6:30 - How gay is gay? 8:20 - What do you think of a gay person? 9:40 - What are you would do with your anus? 11:00 12: What is it like to you don t get sex on a toilet? 16: What would you do with jizz? 17:00s? 18:00- What does your anus take a beating? 19:30- What is the worst thing you would you'd like to do to your ass? 21:00 Is your ass in a cup? 22:00 Do you have jizz in a toilet bowl? 23:00 Does your ass suck off your ass with your dick? 24:00 What is your ass take a beat up? 25: What s your ass do you want to fuck? 26:00 Are you getting jizz out of your butt? 27:00 How do you like it? 29:00 Can you have sex with your ass or your dick out?
Transcript
Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. You can also explore and interact with the transcripts here.
00:00:52.000And we were getting into the Uber and we're in an abandoned street and I'm sitting on the back seat and he gets in on my side like I'm going to scooch over and I'm like, no, you go over on that side.
00:01:06.000Now, if it's Fifth Avenue and cars are whipping down the highway, then yeah, I'll scooch over because I don't need to die when you go to the other side.
00:01:19.000I hadn't seen a car go up past that street besides the Uber.
00:01:22.000And that same night we're staying at my friend Stockbauer's house, you go, oh it's kind of warm in here because you're a New Yorker, you're not used to high temperatures, so you open up the front door of the home.
00:01:45.000Somehow we fucked up making coffee and he comes up to us and he's like, cleaning our mess up, and he's like, y'all don't leave the house much, do ya?
00:01:52.000It was the most southern way to be... We made a large pot of decaf to wake up for.
00:02:18.000Like, say you were one of those gays who became Christian and can't be gay, and I could imagine you'd probably want to suck off like a dildo or something.
00:02:30.000Yeah, like there's probably a blow-up doll, like a guy blow-up doll, and you're just like... I understand that, I guess.
00:02:39.000Actually, I don't understand that analogy, but whatever.
00:02:42.000A better analogy would be, I would understand if you and I moved to Planet Homosexual and everyone was gay and we had to like, we would just be, I guess, celibate.
00:02:50.000Does it have like rings like Santa but it's like a big old cock ring?
00:03:51.000My theory that every toilet in Planet Gay is perfect and clean, but there's a line of shit before each toilet that they just have to keep mopping up.
00:04:00.000So, like, the floor is actually, like, the wood's starting to, like... You know, what you just said is homophobic, and it implies that... I'm just saying they can't... The gay anus takes a beating, but it does take a beating.
00:04:25.000And they're seen as lesser people by the Chinese government.
00:04:30.000So they consistently harvest this group's organs.
00:04:34.000No, I'm not into cults, but I don't think even if you're in a cult you should have your organs stolen from you in the dead of night.
00:04:41.000I have a feeling that, because I had a Falun Gong guy on my show a couple times, I have a feeling that word got out that I'm Falun Gong and in the middle of the night someone took my anus
00:06:00.000Mine used to be so great, but... I never knew you had a shitty ass.
00:06:04.000It's not shitty, it's just... I think it, like, sweats something, because you'll wipe it, and you gotta sniff to be like, am I shitting myself?
00:06:11.000And it's not stinky, but it's still wet.
00:06:56.000These guys, their whole shit is like, we're legit patriots, and we sell soap, and fucking shampoo, and it's flavored like beer, and we hate political correctness.
00:07:11.000Yeah, so Biffy will blast your ass to shreds, and if you can get Zen on it, it goes up into your rectum, it cleans all that, and you get lettuce from like three days ago coming out.
00:07:23.000That's the only way I can have a normal day.
00:08:49.000I thought you meant someone would find out we're straight and be like, I have to have them.
00:08:52.000Well, that would happen, but I feel like also the lesbians would want to sleep with you because they've been so bored, they've had like, you know, dildo shaped like elephant dicks and all this stuff.
00:09:00.000And at the end of the day, it's just like a fleshy version of a dildo.
00:09:03.000No, I don't know why, but I know that we would have to keep it on the DL.
00:10:21.000And so I remember, even if you're in a situation where it's like corners, whatever, so there's a way that it kind of teaches you the practice of not the exact answer.
00:10:29.000Dude, I'm not looking for a short story.
00:11:03.000I started thinking, it's possible that the Rubik's Cube takes X amount of IQ.
00:11:09.000Like, I had this crazy professor when I was in college, and I kind of loved him and hated him.
00:11:14.000His name was Marvin Glass, he was the head of the Canadian Communist Party, and he is the guy, the first guy I ever heard say, it's okay to have an abortion up until a year after the baby is born.
00:12:20.000He also said cool stuff besides murdering children, and one of them was what I was just about to get at, which is something very interesting, which I did not forget, by the way.
00:12:33.000A lot of people accuse me of forgetting what I'm talking about, and I resent that.
00:12:37.000No, no, you're trained to always correct.
00:15:12.000Alright, so I'm going to explain the concept of that, and then I want to get back to the gay planet, because I think that's an interesting thing.
00:15:18.000And the problem with a lot of analogies and sort of hypothetical scenarios is people don't take it all into account, and that links to abortion.
00:15:26.000And I'm going to get into all of that.
00:16:53.000I'm dealing with all these lawsuits, SBLC, I'm trying to start all these new projects.
00:16:57.000I finally come home, and I remember when I was a kid, and every generation before, the father would come home, plop into his chair, his dog would bring him his slippers, he'd have his pipe, and he'd read the newspaper.
00:17:47.000So she wants to read her book and she watches these shows about British architecture where they're like,
00:17:53.000He has completely revamped the front and what I think I find amazing about this structure is it speaks to you and when you approach it it was a pig's cabin 400 years ago and you've made it solar and you've brought it back and what you've done is you've retained the pigs
00:18:12.000So we have a pig motif, but we also have green energy.
00:18:16.000And what's happening here is we are subsuming the history of the pig and bringing it to the man.
00:19:00.000No, you did not forget what y'all were talking about.
00:19:05.000So, you're chasing the kids around and you're like... Oh yeah, the joke with the noob thing.
00:19:09.000So, Duncan says to Johnny, and he's much older than Johnny, and I gotta say, if you're gonna have kids, do two years, two years, two years, two years.
00:19:18.000We did two years, two years, four years.
00:19:21.000And the problem with that is the littlest kid is kind of an alien.
00:19:51.000And when we're at dinner and we're all talking, I can tell... I think one of the reasons he's such a nightmare at dinner is because he doesn't know what the fuck we're talking about.
00:20:03.000Now there's... He's chiming in whenever he's got space.
00:20:05.000There's like one game you can play, Uno, that a six-year-old can play, that a 12-year-old also has to play, but the 12-year-old's bored shitless.
00:21:08.000And it's exactly like plane turbulence when your wife's freaking out on like a sansa jet that's going vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
00:21:23.000Does a pothole when you're driving a bus make you die?
00:25:34.000We finally repeated the podcast, and I know it's annoying to hear a dad talk about how brilliant his son is.
00:25:40.000It's like people talking about their dogs or whatever.
00:25:41.000Okay, so the reason I brought up abortion is we were talking about Planet Gay, and when you come up with scenarios, you have to keep the whole context involved.
00:25:56.000For example, with abortion, people say, oh, you know, you talk to some chick and she goes, oh, I got knocked up by some black dude when I was 18 and I had an abortion.
00:26:10.000He'd be like fucking almost my age now.
00:26:13.000And I wouldn't have had an education or a career.
00:26:15.000I never would have met you, blah, blah, blah.
00:26:20.000When they say that, they're taking their
00:26:25.000world which allows for abortion and then having this one case where it was illegal.
00:26:32.000No, in the world where abortion is illegal you don't have these kind of pregnancies because that girl she remembers when her sister had to go away for a year to camp when she was pregnant to deal with that and she remembers her cousin
00:26:53.000Who's 17, who's been paying child support his whole life.
00:28:19.000You just leave off and it's like... I remember telling my friend Dale Aiken that I masturbated and nothing happened, obviously, I was too young.
00:29:06.000By the way, conservative gadflies who scour our podcasts for any kind of political incorrectness, when he says fag, it clearly doesn't mean homosexual.
00:29:22.000I would never offend somebody because of any reason.
00:29:26.000I think one of the problems with us is
00:29:29.000We live in a multicultural city, New York, and we talk to Orthodox Jews about secular Jews, we talk to gays about fags, we talk to blacks about blacks, we talk to Harlem blacks about Brooklyn blacks, and you end up hearing all these derogatory terms or patterns about groups, and the next thing you know, white people who don't hang out with these groups
00:29:53.000Like, Harlem Blacks make fun of Brooklyn Blacks all the time, and they go, they don't know how to hustle, they're lazy, and they wear different pants.
00:29:59.000Like, Brooklyn Blacks were wearing baggy pants way after skinny jeans got popular in Harlem.
00:30:07.000And when a Brooklyn Black would get off the train in Harlem to visit his dad or something, the Harlem kids would be making fun of the Brooklyn kid for having, like, baggy jeans.
00:30:16.000And the Harlem kids going to Brooklyn, that's a completely different story.
00:30:46.000And when they say fag... There's no word policing there.
00:30:48.000When they say maricón, it's not like when you and I say fag.
00:30:52.000When you and I say fag or gay, like that's so gay, we're kind of making fun of the way we spoke in grade school.
00:30:58.000And I would argue that I don't want to defend that fucking Northam dude because he had that stupid ad with a truck with Dixie flags chasing down migrants.
00:31:09.000And then he got caught with blackface.
00:32:15.000And that's the funny thing about Count Dankula, where he trained his pug to Zeke Hyall, and he had to pay an £800 fine, which he refused to pay.
00:32:23.000He's going to the fucking... He appealed that he's going to go to the Supreme Court of Scotland.
00:32:28.000But his point was, do you think that Nazis would be happy about this fucking pug?
00:33:24.000But you know, that whole thing of, like, Klansman, uh, black dude, it's almost like, you know, like, um, a cat and a dog falling in love or something.
00:33:33.000Like, that joke of, like, two opposites unifying.
00:33:37.000Could be a unity thing, too, instead of, like, a, look, I'm a Klansman, I'm a black guy.
00:33:40.000I think it's really, it really is, like, we're getting along.
00:35:36.000His bell pepper nose on the cut of his jib.
00:35:38.000And we're living in a very white neighborhood, so when a zombie comes out they'll go, well at the very least it's going to be one of this old man's basketball coach friends, and he'll be a fat white guy, and then they see this weird slit eyes with your big fat Puerto Rican nose, and that adds another thing to the, and then you screamed your head off.
00:36:26.000And then you look at someone and you say you're an Asian.
00:36:28.000Sometimes I feel bad about putting this in my book, Death of Cool, because I hope it didn't hurt the guy's feelings, but I grew up with this guy with a severe hair limp.
00:37:02.000We were lying on our backs, and we were looking up at the sky, and we had a matching hallucination, which I still don't understand to this day.
00:37:10.000And it was octagons that were rotating like cogs in a wheel, but somehow they all managed to match.
00:39:10.000I looked up in the sky, it was a cloudless night, and then you looked up upstairs, up in the sky, remember the hexagons thing that you said?
00:39:18.000It was either like snake scales, like scales from a reptile, or like a hexagon.
00:39:24.000And it was perfect patterns with perfect lines in between, and it was clouds.
00:39:29.000And all of a sudden the whole sky was filled with those clouds.
00:39:32.000And I remember that specifically, and I took it in, and then the person said that, and I was like,
00:39:37.000The reason why I looked up is because the wind started blowing really hard out of nowhere.
00:39:50.000I think there's a way that your eyes interpret color and shapes.
00:39:56.000And when you do this drug all together, it fucks with that interpretation.
00:40:03.000Like, you know the way flies see 86 images and they manage to amalgamate them?
00:40:09.000Or even us, with our eyes, we see two things with our right eyeball and our left eyeball and it manages to amalgamate them into one thing using depth perception.
00:40:19.000That drug sort of puts a little fucking computer virus into that process.
00:44:11.000Then you break your hash up into boogers, and then with a cigarette that's inverted, so instead of holding the cigarette from your knuckles outwards, you're holding it from your knuckles inwards.
00:44:22.000You scoop up the hash booger, and then you put it in the hole.
00:44:27.000If a Canadian's hearing this, they're just going, yeah, it's called a bottle tote, dude.
00:44:31.000But Americans, they sound like I'm going to the moon.
00:44:35.000So you scoop up the booger with the hot part of the cigarette,
00:44:48.000And then when you see you're done, you can tell because you start seeing cigarette smoke I guess, you throw the cigarette away, someone takes it from you, and now you have a broken bottle full of hash smoke.
00:48:17.000Uh, we're at this one party and, uh...
00:48:22.000I remember if we were smoking a joint, and smoking a joint back then sucked too, because it would be a cigarette with bits of hash boogers in it.
00:50:03.000It was Robin Williams in Good Morning Vietnam and he was being a black guy and he was doing his jive thing and he said, yo slap me some skin.
00:50:13.000And I realized Peter Zabel must have got it from that.
00:50:16.000But then he added Bobby, which is 99% of the joke anyway.
00:55:50.000And then he starts kind of scoping areas that might have marsh.
00:55:55.000And this is pre-Uber, so I don't know how he thought he was going to get back, but I don't think they cared.
00:55:59.000So he goes, yeah, we'll pull over here.
00:56:00.000And they go, uffen, schlappen, kupeln, lupen.
00:56:04.000And they're like, yeah, yeah, that's, here's your fucking nine euros.
00:56:08.000So he pulls, and he's like, sorry guys.
00:56:10.000And they go, it's all right, man, whatever, we're fucking toasted.
00:56:13.000And so he goes, I'm going to go over here, and I'm going to take off all my clothes, and I'll wash, I'll try to find like leaves and stuff.
00:56:43.000And they all cheer, and then they fucking laugh so hard that he, with his penis hanging out, actually starts, no, just collapses laughing.
00:56:52.000So they have like, we're gonna die laughing.
00:56:56.000And they laughed for like an hour at the fact that their friend is nude, like 40 feet away, in an anal cleaning area, that he had chosen from the cab.
00:57:07.000Where he's gonna wash his buttocks and there was no need.
00:57:40.000No, but we used to do shrooms at Steve's house on Halloween and
00:57:45.000I remember one time, it's funny how it creeps up on you and you think it's just a bunch of guys hanging out, and then you realize we're all fucking destroyed.
00:58:12.000So, we got a towel and we threw it on the knife and then we like bunched it up so it was within the towel and then we took the big ball of knife towel like into a hallway and then later on in a totally different hallway he had a house that had like a
00:59:00.000I didn't know this was going on but I open up the sliding door to the alcove before the garage and it's like the fucking garbage room in Star Wars where the walls were closing in and there's like eight guys and they're all like...
00:59:15.000And I go, what the fuck are you guys doing?
00:59:18.000And they're not like going, oh, we're being a garbage room.
01:01:11.000On the right here, talking directly to the camera, it's like a, from Austin to Dallas, like a three hour ride, we came up with like five shirts.
01:03:07.000I was like well my understanding is a blunt is to quote-unquote slit a cigar up the side and empty the tobacco or whatever is inside there and then fill it with I assume is at least one gram of marijuana which is
01:03:24.000What I would consider, even at the peak of my marijuana career as a young man, would be a month's supply.
01:05:01.000Yeah, I don't get panic attacks or anything like that, but every time I smoke too much weed, I feel like I'm going to get a call from somebody saying that somebody I love has passed away.
01:06:15.000In the sense that you're never going to OD and it can make things funnier, especially in movies, it makes sex better, but it is a vice and it is bad for some shit.
01:06:28.000It makes you lazy, it makes it hard to get out of bed in the morning, it hurts your grades, it kills your
01:07:45.000Well, I've done... I've had about a two-month period where I would... I don't even know how much it is, because I don't do meth, but I got a chunk given to me because I asked for Adderall, and this drug dealer didn't have Adderall.
01:10:39.000I met a lot of guys who would call Adderall Dadderall in New York because you work all day and you come home and you have to fucking tickle someone if you're calling Johnny a noob.
01:11:05.000I met a journalist at the New York Times who wanted to do a story about it and every dad role dad I knew wouldn't talk to them because they didn't want to mix it up.
01:12:14.000A lot of—I got this book, Rules for Radical—not Rules for Radicals, obviously, but Radical—what's it called?
01:12:25.000Anyway, it's this book where all these scientists who tried acid, James Watson, who helped sequence the genome, and Steve Jobs, they said that acid helped them.
01:12:37.000So I think in very small doses, hallucinogenics have a good argument.
01:15:02.000And you know what's so ironic about it is you start loving stuff again, and you're like, you want to clean your room and like improve your life, but it's over.
01:15:45.000I think that there was this demon on his shoulder and this is totally made up obviously I have no evidence but I feel like because what happens when you OD is your lungs forget to breathe so you suffocate right and I feel like as he was drifting away you know we hear these stories of like the light and you get called to death and then you go no I'm not gonna do it you
01:16:10.000You come out of the water or something and you're like, I'm not gonna... Your body fights to survive.
01:16:14.000Under any circumstance it fights to survive.
01:16:16.000You sense you're near the edge and you go... Your body doesn't let you die.
01:17:53.000You're just like a guy and they're taking your pants off and putting like tuxedo pants on your weird dead legs and putting like black socks on your dead foot and then a shoe.
01:18:25.000Well, I think they have the person you looked at is now just either rotting or burned purposely or like touched by some strangers that are like joking while they're doing it.
01:18:36.000Dude, so on Friday I fucking... Hold on, this fucker's pants are... I fucking hate the Rams.
01:21:25.000You drive a heart and no brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
01:22:12.000And I wish these junkies could realize that while you're self-indulging and thinking about being the head of the goth thing in the afterworld and just like it's It's more self-indulgent than someone who just beats off 50 times a day.
01:22:52.000I resented Philip Seymour Hoffman being on the cover of Rolling Stone because he was such a fucking junkie that he realized I have kids and I don't want them seeing my syringes and heroin and shit.
01:23:03.000So instead of going, I should stop, he goes, I'll just have my heroin apartment.
01:23:08.000So he had another apartment like four doors down where he would focus.
01:24:10.000Before I had kids, if there was a bar fight, I've said this a million times, if there was a bar fight, the first thing I would do is grab my phone and run over there and try to get basically white world star.
01:25:26.000They have this conservative and socially conservative view that there's like the good people with the suit and ties and then there's the hippies who get up to all that degenerate stuff.
01:25:38.000I want to be a conservative on the degenerate side and say, hi, I'm here with the hippies and the degenerates and the weirdos, and I want to say that a lot of them are fucking up bad, but a lot of them are doing a fine job.
01:25:53.000There's a lot of functioning potheads that you conservatives don't need to vilify.
01:25:57.000There's a lot of cool gay dudes that aren't trying to sabotage Christianity.
01:26:03.000I'm here sort of in the eye of the storm going it's important that we differentiate within the left between the psycho ex-girlfriends that are getting everyone fired and the normal left-of-center liberals who just like I don't know they're not entrepreneurial they don't respect the free market as much as I do they seem to have faith in the government but they're not evil and even within the world of drugs
01:26:30.000There's marijuana, there's some guy that does cocaine on the weekends.
01:27:24.000Difference between a middle finger and touching a stranger in the face.
01:27:27.000Because when you just go, don't do drugs to kids, they go, well, fentanyl and pot are the same.
01:27:32.000Kids, don't do drugs, but if you're going to do drugs, understand that there's different categories and there's stupid drugs like pot and then there's a fucking Russian roulette like fentanyl and oxy and opioids and heroin.
01:30:28.000You know what, I take all their power away from it by, I'll fucking walk into the ocean of fucking exile if I want to, but I'm not gonna fear some fucking nerd looking for like, oh he fucking took a picture of this person.