Comedian Brody Stevens' suicide is a reminder that comedians lead miserable lives, and the irony of their vocation is they get up on stage and tell you how to live your life, and everything you're doing wrong, and how stupid everyone is and how lame they love to preach. I've noticed this with millennials, they're always giving me advice about my career and how I should go back to compound, and CRTV was a bad move, and it's people who can't spell, and they can't even spell C-O-L-A-G-E, and totally uneducated people with no life experience can't wait to talk about it on YouTube, and I call it Millennial-splaining, because that's what they do on YouTube. I was just looking at an article a second ago that said, "All bodies are beautiful." Well, no, no they're not. Some are dying, some are dying. And I was talking to a woman who looked as turgid as a balloon. And I wanted to go up to her with a thumbtack and just goof her just to gooof her. I don't know what else to do with it, but I think it's a good idea. I mean, why are Americans fat? And why is everyone else fat, and why are all bodies not beautiful? And that's a question I get asked a lot by people who want to know why Americans aren't fat. You know when we're fat, right? Why are we're not all fat like other people? I'll tell you why that's not a good thing. Let me know what you think of it. Tweet me and let me know if you have a story about how you think about it or if you think we should be fat like that! Timestamps: 1:00 - How fat people are not beautiful. 2:30 - I don t have a body? 3:20 - I'm not fat, I just went to Disneyland or something like that 4:15 - I just flew back from a Transformers convention and boy are my arms tires 5: what are your arms?? 6:40 - My arms have to be tired 7:00 8:20 9:30 11:00 My arms are my hands have three fingers 12:30 My arms?
Transcript
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00:00:00.000I just flew back from Disneyland and boy are my arms black, skinny, sausage things with big, huge, fat, white gloves on them that have three fingers.
00:00:23.000I mean, you're never gonna get better than, I just flew back from a Transformers convention and boy are my arms tires.
00:00:32.000The other one, what was close to that was after Katrina, where George W. Bush got in a helicopter and he said, I just flew back from checking out the damage that was done in rural Louisiana and boy are my farms mired.
00:00:50.000After that, the mic is dropped and it's time to get on with your life.
00:00:54.000Some guy emailed me recently and he said, I just flew back from Pamela Anderson's house and boy are my barbs wired.
00:01:18.000Speaking of comedians, Brody Stevens hanged himself recently.
00:01:22.000And I thought it was a good opportunity to remind everyone that comedians lead miserable lives.
00:01:28.000And the irony of their vocation is they get up on stage and they tell you how to live your life, and everything you're doing wrong, and how stupid everyone is, and how lame everything is.
00:04:10.000I wanted to go up to her with a thumbtack and just go poof.
00:04:15.000And then watch her just go brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
00:06:06.000Well, that's not, that might be actually something with her immune system being down or her being, or why was her knee damaged in the first place?
00:06:14.000Like a lot of junkies will die 10 years after they get clean from hep C or some sort of liver failure.
00:07:14.000The girl likes the animal kingdom, and we got this super fancy room where the back of your room looked out at a park, like a safari reserve, preserve, whatever you call them.
00:07:25.000So there's a zebra there, some emus, addicts, ones with the curly horns, all these African animals.
00:07:34.000But without the Ebola and the killing albinos for having magic blood and forcing Congolese children to rape their mothers, they'd left all that part out and it was a very sanitized version of Africa.
00:07:59.000I thought it'd be funny if a black family was leaving the Africa section, and you could just go up to them and go, hey, you guys should go back to Africa.
00:09:10.000And the other thing too, like when we were in Alabama filing a suit against the Southern Poverty Law Center, which I highly recommend, you go to DefendGavin.com.
00:09:28.000It's sort of like, uh, when you complain about various problems with parenting, everyone has a solution, except when you say my daughter and my son, the ones that are similar, you just don't seem to get along very well.
00:09:39.000And they always go, yeah, nothing you can do about that.
00:10:10.000There's booze in other ones, like Epcot and Animal Kingdom, but not at the main one with the castle.
00:10:14.000And I'll get to that in a second, because I had an epiphany about Disneyland.
00:10:17.000Anyway, you get in these little pods, you know the things that go around and around, and they can also go up and down?
00:10:22.000Like a merry-go-round meets a spaceship thingamajoodle?
00:10:26.000So this one, there's a song that they play and they go, if you're in the two spot, two spot, then you better go up, up, up, and then they better go down if you're in the yellow one.
00:10:35.000And you have to listen to the lyrics and you can control whether it goes up or down.
00:15:06.000But here's, let me tell you, Disney, I went on Disney Cruise a few years ago and hated its guts and I wrote about it on a site, I'm not sure the site's still up, I tried to start a daddy blog that failed called mydadhomies.com or .blogspot or something, and I wrote 10 reasons not to go on a Disney Cruise.
00:15:30.000I did an article called tackling Asian privilege and I just took an article about white privilege and I did a edit find replace and changed white to Asian and it read perfectly.
00:15:42.000Instead of anyone getting that joke I just gotten so much shit from Asians and they seem to have a lot of time on their hands.
00:15:48.000Maybe they're very good at computers or something because I got bombarded.
00:15:53.000And the other group is Disney people and I didn't understand
00:16:09.000One thing they do that drives me nuts, non-New Yorkers bump into you and they don't say anything.
00:16:14.000Now, we've been trained by crackheads to be incredibly polite, because we don't want to set anyone off, because they'll stab you or go insane, wreck your life.
00:16:23.000So every time a New Yorker bumps into someone, they hold them and go, oh, sorry, I'm really sorry about that, you okay?
00:16:35.000And it's very alarming as a New Yorker to have a potential crackhead at Disneyland go careening into you and then just keep walking.
00:16:42.000They're sort of like Japanese people at water parks in Tokyo where they're all shoulder to shoulder and they don't seem to mind because they're all cool with each other.
00:17:33.000And Germans are very patient and very stoic.
00:17:38.000And the ones that came here were very Christian.
00:17:42.000So, I'm not saying all the people that love Disneyland are German, but the foundations of it, even the castles that Walt Disney chose, those were Austrian castles, the foundations of it are based on the German ethos.
00:17:56.000So you are either, if you're a Disney person, you're either the descendant of the original Germans that founded America, or you identify with that culture because you're a different type of Christian Puritan.
00:18:09.000And they love that Disney has kept it pure and all their characters are based on Christian values and all the princesses, they get married in the end and there's no swearing and there's no booze at the Disney place.
00:19:26.000And my angle to the family thing is, hey, partiers who have done 8-ball after 8-ball and puked on themselves on a regular basis, let's style it in a bit and maybe get over the party thing and put a ring on it.
00:19:42.000So I'm more of like a missionary for the scumbags, but I'm more comfortable in scumbag land than I am with these fucking normal people.
00:21:00.000I believe it's called role-playing in the world of sexual discourse.
00:21:06.000Half of me just wanted, I don't know, I'm not, I'm sorry.
00:21:09.000I apologize to Disney people, but I'm not pure.
00:21:14.000Like there was a scene where we were in the monkey section, and it was, you know, they were behind that big thing of glass, like a foot of glass, and they're bored.
00:21:24.000They're very intelligent animals, as you know.
00:21:27.000And to put them in that big glass box after a while, they start getting kind of crazy.
00:21:31.000Like they'll eat their barf sometimes just for fun.
00:21:35.000And as you would, I'm sure people in prison sometimes just like barf in their hand and then eat it again.
00:21:40.000I remember one time we were driving from San Francisco to Montreal, me and Derek Beckles, and we got so bored, we just ate some soap.
00:22:12.000So the chimp is staring at everyone and then he jumps and hits the window as a boo to everyone.
00:22:19.000And then they all go, oh my, he's feisty.
00:22:25.000And I just, I don't know, I wanted the glass to shatter for the chimp to break free.
00:22:32.000And chimps, the first thing they do is they bite off your heels and your fingers and your groin.
00:22:38.000And then eventually they'll get to eating your face off.
00:22:41.000So it would just go from like, oh, their smug arrogance would be replaced with abject horror as people died and were maimed and women had their faces eaten off.
00:22:55.000I'm not proud of that, but around such pure golden people, I just start getting evil.
00:23:07.000Universal Studios has kind of a cool concept going.
00:23:11.000What they do is they sit you in a chair and they just rattle the chair around and maybe spritz you with some water and then make it lean forward and lean backwards and then the screen around you is totally insane.
00:23:21.000There was a surprisingly fun ride called Jimmy Fallon Takes New York or something like that.
00:23:27.000And you start out in Jimmy Fallon's studio on a giant, you're in a car and he's in his car and you drive through the building, smash out the windows and you're driving through New York and it totally feels like you're driving through New York.
00:23:50.000Sorry, so that was the Jimmy Fallon one, then there's a Fast and Furious one.
00:23:54.000And this horrible racist was in front of me in the lineup, and he was just like, look at these cars.
00:24:01.000Because you start out looking at all these beautiful old cars from the 50s and 60s and 70s, back when cars, before cars were all fucking cough drops.
00:24:09.000The rental car we had in Florida, I kept losing it because it looked exactly like every other car.
00:24:17.000You can't even tell the difference between a big car and a small car anymore.
00:24:22.000So anyway, you're in the lobby and you're seeing all these beautiful cars, and this old racist Brooklyn guy's in front of me, he's like, look at all these cars made by white men.
00:24:32.000This old, this old MG sports car and this Ford Galaxy, this Chrysler LeBaron, all these beautiful right edges, all these race cars from back in the day, original Porsche, vintage Porsche, look at this shit.
00:25:13.000And I'm thinking, not only did white guys make these cars, but they made the movie, and the technology, and the film, and the editing, and Premiere, and the Macs, and all the different technology to make it look like these black people were totally dominating these totally awesome cars.
00:25:37.000So it's like we gotta take white dude technology, white dude vehicles, and then spend all of this time and energy making it look like non-white males are fucking part of that culture.
00:25:52.000And then, you know, some of these, this black guy like Tyrese, he's, some girl's going to see Fast and Furious, start dating him, maybe have a kid with him.
00:26:05.000And I was, I was behind him and I leaned forward and I said, sir, sir, I'm here with my family and, uh, you're being kind of loud and I don't appreciate your fucking bigotry.
00:26:18.000And my wife said, Gavin, there's no one there.
00:27:46.000Yeah, that's right out of the dictionary.
00:27:50.000And she was telling my wife this that, so she has the eyes, the bowl cut, her bathing suit was disintegrating because she left it chlorine, chlorinated and forgot to dry it.
00:29:08.000I guess because I'm not a retard and I'm not a Jew.
00:29:13.000He didn't mean that in a negative way.
00:29:16.000He just meant like a disproportionate number of Mets fans are Jewish, and that's true.
00:29:21.000And I don't know if he meant retard like you'd have to be a dummy to like the Mets because they're so bad, or a disproportionate number of mentally handicapped people like the Mets.
00:29:46.000Like the Yankees are kind of evil with their short haircuts and their, you can't have a beard and the black and the blue, the two syllables, just Mets one.
00:34:47.000And they're like, hello, I'm Abe Lincoln and I, uh, I kind of said I wanted to free the slaves, but I really just wanted to maintain the union.
00:34:54.000And I said, if I could maintain the union without freeing one slave, I would do it.
00:35:55.000I got an Uber to pick me up to take us to the airport, and he was Chinese, and he texted me, okay, what I assume said, okay, I'm here, in Mandarin, like with Chinese characters.
00:36:11.000So we've gone from saying, all right, you can speak Spanish and all that, and all right, I can handle it if you say, aqui, or whatever it is, but now I'm seeing Chinese characters within the Uber app?
00:36:23.000And I tried to bring that up to him and I said, what's going on there?
00:36:55.000And then I just kept thinking of fancier ways to tell him, like I would say, uh, I said to him, uh, I would be remiss if I didn't explain to you that one, it behooves one to have the language at their disposal.
00:38:09.000Roller coasters are 15% faster than you can handle.
00:38:14.000Like you're, there's this one called the Hulk at Universal Studios and you're, you go, like you're in this big, well, roller coaster, fuck, but you're in this big dome where they're pretending that they're heating you up with radiation and the roller coaster itself is becoming the Hulk and it's like, and they go, uh-oh, system into overdrive, we can't control it, and then it goes.
00:38:36.000And it just launches you like a cannon.
00:40:42.000This one woman, I get on the bus and she's sitting on the floor, she's all sweaty, her bangs are matted to her head, and she's sitting on the floor of the bus.
00:40:51.000And her daughter, her three-year-old daughter's asleep.
00:41:27.000Oh yeah, and I was regretting pulling out these notes because it kills the flow, but I am glad that I pulled them out because there are some important things I wrote down here.
00:41:43.000First of all, these companion dogs are getting out of control, and when I'm king of the world, I'm going to make it legal to shoot companion dogs.
00:43:48.000Because one fucking turtle got a straw up its nose and someone released a video where they were pulling the straw out of his nostrils, which she seemed to do just fine.
00:47:01.000They said, nah, we need to be 100% sure there's no fucking mud turtles down there.
00:47:06.000And the mud turtles, it's like the size of a baby's fist.
00:47:10.000And we're so worried about this mud turtle that even though we haven't seen one in that area in hundreds of years, 1,500 job people, real human beings, let me explain something about animals.
00:47:59.000I saw a zebra at Animal Kingdom stand in the same place for 20 hours with his ass to the building so he could not get eaten by a cougar which is never gonna eat him and he's too stupid to realize that he's in a preserve.
00:49:55.000But you'll be trying to figure something out, and some woman will come along and go, yeah, what's happening is, let me explain this to you.
00:50:32.000Like, we had to go to dinner at Animal Kingdom, what was it called, the River Rainforest Cafe.
00:50:41.000And I go, should we get an Uber there?
00:50:43.000And this woman goes, yeah, no, actually the buses go there every 15 minutes, and it lists the buses here, what times they are, so you just take the bus, you'll be there in no time.
00:50:52.000And it's right at the gate of Animal Kingdom, yeah, yeah, yeah, and walks away.
00:50:56.000And then I look at it and it says that the bus stops at 8 p.m.
00:54:23.000I got a lot of people recognizing me despite the fact that I grew my hair out of my beard and I have different glasses now, but they kept saying, Hey man, we love what you're doing.
00:56:47.000Because now the little one is two separate from the other two.
00:56:51.000Although, I gotta say, the great thing about a vacation is you're in the hotel pool and your 12-year-old daughter, who is at the other end of the house and doesn't see her six-year-old brother that much, is all of a sudden playing with him in the pool.
00:57:15.000So they can go exploring, even going to get ice.
00:57:18.000Is a fun adventure for them to give them some independence, you know, they're not going to, you know, leave the compound, especially if I've chased away all the pedophiles.
00:57:43.000But it's really important to take some time out away from work.
00:57:47.000Try not to check your phone and get to know your family again.
00:57:51.000Now I gotta say, I don't think I saw my wife really very much this trip.
00:57:58.000Like we had this one, we had this insane hotel room in Animal Kingdom where we had our own room, my wife and I, and the bathroom was as big as your kitchen.
00:58:07.000It was huge, with a big bath and a shower, and I was like, oh my God.
00:58:11.000The amount of elaborate intercourse that's going to go on in this room.
00:58:15.000I'm going to have to go to Wikipedia to sexual positions and add the four I made up but we're going to be incorporating water jets somehow I'm going to be using.
00:58:57.000I thought the German revelation had some real substance, but then the rest of it was just some guy going through his notes with these minor points that he hasn't really fleshed out.
00:59:06.000It's almost like Open Mic, where the comedian has a piece of paper with him and he's trying out jokes.