Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - Get Off My Lawn Podcast #120 | Ricky Gervais' new show is a masterpiece, but

00:00:00.000 Ricky Gervais's new show, Afterlife, is a masterpiece, but... Now, Ryan, when you mount this, when you get on top of this and start fucking it like a horny bull in heat, end the sentence at but. 0.97

00:00:17.000 I know these podcasts are always the first sentence, but I want that to end at but. 0.96

00:00:22.000 Yeah, it's clickbait.

00:00:24.000 Yeah.

00:00:25.000 I'm not a cliffhanger.

00:00:26.000 There's nothing wrong with clickbait, by the way.

00:00:28.000 Like, 10 Things I Hate About the Jews was an homage to the Jews. 1.00

00:00:28.000 No. 1.00

00:00:32.000 I thought you were gonna say Owen Benjamin.

00:00:35.000 I was complaining about Haaretz and liberal Jews in Israel and how they hate themselves. 0.91

00:00:45.000 My article, How to Divorce Your Wife, was obviously not about divorcing your wife.

00:00:51.000 There's a lot to learn from the National Enquirer.

00:00:54.000 I'll never forget, it was Vice was Voice of Montreal, and I was reading the National Enquirer, which by the way, is a great news source.

00:01:03.000 I know that sounds crazy, but they've been sued so many times that they're very careful about what they do.

00:01:09.000 And I think, during the Lacey Peterson, Scott Peterson controversy, the juiciest goss you got was from the National Enquirer.

00:01:19.000 And they would, did you just take a picture of me?

00:01:23.000 No.

00:01:25.000 I'm drinking coffee out of a Pyrex measuring glass.

00:01:28.000 For Instagram at least, yeah.

00:01:36.000 I wouldn't even know that I was drinking out of a measuring cup when I was your age.

00:01:42.000 I would just go, it's a cup.

00:01:44.000 We lived in a big punk house with other punk rockers, and I don't think that we had normal mugs.

00:01:50.000 No one cared.

00:01:51.000 For me, it's a new low, though. 1.00

00:01:53.000 Oh, fuck off. 1.00

00:01:55.000 So anyway, what was I talking about? 1.00

00:01:59.000 Lacey Peterson, the National Enquirer.

00:02:01.000 And there was all this stuff about burn marks on a chair from a rope.

00:02:05.000 And I think what the National Enquirer was doing is they'd go up to a cop or something and go, look, here's 50 grand.

00:02:11.000 You better give me some gossip. 0.98

00:02:12.000 But if it's fucking untrue, my friend, you are a dead man and we're going to sue you and sign this and sign that and we're going to expose you and you're going to lose your pension, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 0.99

00:02:22.000 So they wouldn't lie. 0.99

00:02:24.000 Because it's not illegal to say anything that's true.

00:02:28.000 Unless you've signed a nondisclosure.

00:02:31.000 So there was an article in the National Enquirer and it said, it wasn't Miley Cyrus, but it was the modern equivalent.

00:02:38.000 I'm talking about the early 90s now.

00:02:40.000 So whatever, whoever Miley Cyrus was back in the early 90s.

00:02:44.000 Madonna.

00:02:47.000 Ryan, please stop interjecting.

00:02:49.000 Okay?

00:02:51.000 Madonna was old, in the early 90s.

00:02:55.000 And... I still cannot get over it.

00:02:58.000 I was trying to think of that guy, Buzz Lahlgren, or whatever his name was.

00:03:02.000 Baz... What was his name?

00:03:05.000 Baz... Lloyd Greene or something.

00:03:08.000 And he's a pretty good writer.

00:03:10.000 He did a great talk at a college.

00:03:12.000 Baz Luhrmann.

00:03:14.000 What's his name?

00:03:14.000 Baz Luhrmann.

00:03:15.000 Baz Luhrmann.

00:03:17.000 Great writer, and he said that great saying, live in New York till you're hard, live in LA till you're soft.

00:03:23.000 And as I was trying to remember his name, I was like, Baz, Buzz, and you go, Buzz Lightyear. 0.99

00:03:30.000 Because you're uneducated, because you're half Puerto Rican, because you went to public schools in the Bronx, and the only education you got there was when fat black women would sit on you. 1.00

00:03:43.000 Not exaggerating. 1.00

00:03:44.000 Fat women teachers thought they were teaching him by sitting on his body in a special room with a bed. 1.00

00:03:52.000 They squeezed the Japanese out of me with their black butt cheeks. 1.00

00:03:56.000 It came oozing out of your pores like sushi. 1.00

00:04:00.000 And the next thing you know you were saying bat room instead of bathroom.

00:04:03.000 Bathroom.

00:04:05.000 Bath light year.

00:04:08.000 I said, I remember when I first moved to America, we had a black intern, and she said, yeah, I was gonna ask you about that.

00:04:14.000 And I went, oh my god, you really, New Yorkers really do say ax.

00:04:19.000 And she goes, why, what's it supposed to be?

00:04:23.000 Well, it's supposed to be axed.

00:04:24.000 Anyway, it said the equivalent of Miley Cyrus wishes she was old.

00:04:29.000 That's the headline.

00:04:31.000 And I have no problem with that headline.

00:04:33.000 Because you read the article and it says, she just wishes she could play more mature roles.

00:04:39.000 And the picture of it was Miley Cyrus photoshopped, and again it wasn't Miley Cyrus, but you get what I'm saying, photoshopped to look super old and shitty with like crow's feet and stuff.

00:04:49.000 And everyone knows the sort of tone of the National Choir, so they know she's not literally praying she was old.

00:04:56.000 But it's a fun header, it's a fun picture, and then the article said the truth.

00:05:01.000 And the truth is, no, no, no, she just wishes she could have more mature roles.

00:05:04.000 So it's kind of satirical in a way.

00:05:08.000 Of course we strayed far from that.

00:05:11.000 So yeah, I like clickbait.

00:05:15.000 Although, I gotta say, when you look at like this Tucker Carlson article from yesterday, what was it in?

00:05:24.000 Daily Beast?

00:05:25.000 You gotta do this, by the way, folks.

00:05:27.000 Please, when you read an article that sounds dubious, please Google image the author and you will see

00:05:38.000 Slightly effeminate, yet straight cock-blocker from high school.

00:05:43.000 You will see the guy who tried to sabotage you getting laid in high school. 0.97

00:05:48.000 That is who dominates most left-wing media these days.

00:05:53.000 And this article, what was it called again?

00:05:57.000 It was all about how evil Tucker Carlson is because he was on Bubba the Love Sponge ten years ago and said controversial things. 0.99

00:06:05.000 It's Bubba the fucking Love Sponge. 0.97

00:06:08.000 So the article was called, um, Tucker Carlson defended statutory rape in 2015 with Proud Boys founder Gavin McInnes. 0.97

00:06:18.000 I notice they're very careful about, um, uh, how they describe me since I declared that lawsuit.

00:06:25.000 It's no longer hate group leader.

00:06:28.000 It's now accurate, which is Proud Boy's founder.

00:06:32.000 But anyway, this article, so the header you can look it up yourself.

00:06:35.000 Tucker Carlson defended statutory rape in 2015 with Proud Boy's founder Gavin McInnes, Charles Davis.

00:06:39.000 Now I know I'm cutting, I'm contradicting myself right now, because I just said I like clickbait, but then the article has to be true.

00:06:47.000 But this is kind of clickbait.

00:06:51.000 He did technically defend statutory rape,

00:06:55.000 But the way, it's a different environment. 0.97

00:06:58.000 The National Enquirer is fun and silly.

00:07:01.000 This is like purporting to be serious news. 0.97

00:07:04.000 And when you read that, you think he defended rape.

00:07:08.000 Statutory just seems superfluous.

00:07:10.000 And you go, oh my god, this guy's like Roush V. He wants rape to be legal.

00:07:15.000 Then you read it, and he's saying, eh. 0.99

00:07:18.000 When a 16-year-old boy gets fucked by a super hot teacher 0.99

00:07:23.000 Who's like 23 and might not even be married and have kids. 1.00

00:07:26.000 That's not the same as a 16 year old girl getting fucked by some creepy male teacher. 1.00

00:07:32.000 And anyone who denies that is full of shit. 1.00

00:07:38.000 Now I will concede, if a teacher fucks your 14 year old son, 1.00

00:07:43.000 You should probably beat that bitch up or something like I'm not saying Jimmy Kimmel had a joke on late night when he said unfortunately the father passed away he died of excessive high fives and he's talking about the father of one of these boys I laughed when I heard that because I didn't have sons at the time but 1.00

00:08:02.000 I value my son's innocence, so I would be fucking pissed if that happened to my boys, because I want their sexuality to be normal progression. 0.99

00:08:12.000 You know, a 14-year-old and a 14-year-old. 0.97

00:08:13.000 I remember when I was a kid, we heard about this guy, I think his name was Barry, and

00:08:19.000 He had sat on his unfinished basement floor with a girl his age that I guess was his girlfriend and they'd slowly like taken off their shirts and touched each other.

00:08:28.000 He touched her boobies really slowly and then they kissed and that's all they did. 1.00

00:08:32.000 And we laughed our 13 year old heads off at those fucking losers. 1.00

00:08:40.000 But I look back on it now and I go, yeah, that's kind of ideal. 1.00

00:08:45.000 As far as exploring sexuality, we want baby steps.

00:08:49.000 And with all the porn going around now, I think that is a pipe dream.

00:08:53.000 I don't think anyone's gonna casually, quietly explore something and then stop when it gets too heated. 0.98

00:08:59.000 It's gonna be fucking ball gags out of the gate. 0.99

00:09:03.000 But anyway, as a parent, as a dad, you don't want your son's innocent fucked with. 1.00

00:09:08.000 Leave her alone. 1.00

00:09:09.000 Leave him alone, you crazy bitch. 1.00

00:09:11.000 However, 1.00

00:09:13.000 A male teacher and a female student? 0.83

00:09:16.000 Come on.

00:09:17.000 We remember high school.

00:09:18.000 We remember women were not as libidinous as boys.

00:09:21.000 I remember being 14 and praying to God to stop the boners. 0.97

00:09:28.000 Anything, God.

00:09:29.000 Anything.

00:09:29.000 If it's pepperoni pizza, fine, I'll eat 30 a day.

00:09:33.000 Just stop this.

00:09:35.000 I'm consumed, I'm still consumed at 48, but it was bad back then.

00:09:39.000 I remember I met a handicapped guy, he was in a wheelchair, and it was at a, I used to be really into comic books as a young man.

00:09:46.000 You have to understand, in Quebec, comic books, bon dessiné, it's not Superman and stuff.

00:09:52.000 No American will ever understand this, but being a cartoonist in a French province like Quebec, which is basically a French country, is cool.

00:10:01.000 I know, I know, I know!

00:10:04.000 I know what you're thinking.

00:10:05.000 It's got nothing to do with superheroes.

00:10:06.000 It's graphic novels.

00:10:07.000 Chester Brown.

00:10:09.000 Seth.

00:10:10.000 Joe Matt.

00:10:12.000 Andriette Valium.

00:10:15.000 All of these guys.

00:10:17.000 And then modern guys like Jeffrey Brown, Peter Begg, Dan Clouse.

00:10:20.000 All those dudes.

00:10:21.000 Sorry, it was like being in an indie rock band.

00:10:23.000 I don't expect you to understand. 0.90

00:10:24.000 I know it sounds super gay. 0.78

00:10:26.000 I'm fine with that. 0.86

00:10:27.000 That's fine.

00:10:30.000 But I was at a comic store, and there was this guy in a wheelchair, and I don't know how beating off came up. 0.99

00:10:36.000 And he couldn't use his penis, of course, but he still had those thoughts. 0.99

00:10:40.000 I guess you just really want to eat girls out? 1.00

00:10:51.000 That must be it. 1.00

00:10:53.000 Holy shit, ladies. 1.00

00:10:55.000 If you're swiping through Tinder and there's a guy who's paralyzed from the waist down, I would swipe yep. 1.00

00:11:01.000 Because you're going to get the pussy eating of your life. 1.00

00:11:05.000 He's probably a fucking ninja. 1.00

00:11:07.000 It's like Bill Gates or, no, is that the guy in the chair? 1.00

00:11:10.000 No, Stephen Hawking. 1.00

00:11:13.000 Stephen Hawking probably doesn't eat good pussy, actually. 1.00

00:11:15.000 I don't think he can do anything. 1.00

00:11:17.000 But he could write some erotic fiction for you.

00:11:21.000 I want to own your money.

00:11:25.000 I want to... Actually, no, that doesn't work because a lot of sexual courtship with a lady, if you're a man, is all about dominance. 1.00

00:11:37.000 And I'm going to own you and all that.

00:11:38.000 It doesn't sound good in a non-sexual context like a podcast, but a lot of it is like, you're my property and stuff.

00:11:45.000 I don't think when you're just like a weird malformed slug in a chair where some nurse put a suit on you, you can really talk about dominance.

00:11:55.000 Anyway, Jesus, this is a million crazy tangents, but that's all Tucker said.

00:12:00.000 And I implore you when you see these articles to look up the author.

00:12:07.000 And this guy, the guy who wrote this Daily Beast article is called Charles Davis.

00:12:13.000 So it's kind of hard to Google image a name like that.

00:12:16.000 You got to go Charles Davis, Daily Beast or something. 0.99

00:12:19.000 And the guy is gayer than gays. 1.00

00:12:23.000 Like, I don't think gays would be attracted to him. 1.00

00:12:25.000 Gays would go, Oh, he looks like a little bitch. 1.00

00:12:28.000 I'm only a fag. 1.00

00:12:29.000 I don't, I'm not into like super nothing beta males. 0.99

00:12:34.000 Have you noticed that about this generation? 0.99

00:12:36.000 Fag is no longer an insult. 0.99

00:12:38.000 Like when I think of my gay neighbors upstate, Maurizio built a chicken coop and then bears showed up and he was shooting at the bears. 1.00

00:12:46.000 God damn fuck! 1.00

00:12:47.000 Well he's Chilean so he's like, God damn fucking bears! 1.00

00:12:51.000 And he dumped his boyfriend and he was dating this Puerto Rican who was a himbo. 1.00

00:12:57.000 like a stupid bitch who we would sometimes I drive up with him if my wife had the car or something back when we only had one car and his slut dumb bitch boyfriend would just take a quaalude and sleep and I'm like Mauricio what are you why are you I could talk about her I actually would speak French because he spoke French and I would say in French to him because I'm from Quebec I'd say why are you with this that this salope this this con salope 1.00

00:13:27.000 And he didn't understand what I was talking about. 1.00

00:13:29.000 And I realized it was like talking to a guy with a trophy wife who has some dumb blonde whore that he just uses for sex. 1.00

00:13:37.000 And he's like, what are you talking about? 1.00

00:13:40.000 Like, yeah, she, yeah, he's a stupid bitch. 1.00

00:13:43.000 Piece of garbage. 1.00

00:13:44.000 He's only good for sex. 1.00

00:13:46.000 I was sort of amazed, like, wow, homos could have dumb sluts for boyfriends. 1.00

00:13:53.000 That seems like a waste to me. 1.00

00:13:54.000 If I'm gay, the best part of it is my bro has a vagina in his butt. 1.00

00:14:00.000 That's awesome. 1.00

00:14:01.000 Now we can hang out and go see movies and build a go-kart and then fuck and watch an action movie. 1.00

00:14:09.000 But to get a dumb bitch... I don't know. 1.00

00:14:12.000 Anyway, it's none of my business.

00:14:13.000 But, um...

00:14:15.000 Yeah, he looks like one of those guys.

00:14:17.000 And you read the article, and it's just so, ugh, it's so banal.

00:14:23.000 I don't know if the left realizes, they're turning into a bunch of humorless school marms.

00:14:30.000 And he made the mistake of including my interview with Tucker, which is embedded into the article.

00:14:36.000 And you click on that, and you see two guys just riffing, having a good time. 0.89

00:14:42.000 At one point, this is a great example too, at one point they talk about me saying that when I worked for the Daily Caller, I had the word fucking Jews was removed from my article.

00:14:53.000 And of course, devoid of context, that sounds terrible, but this whole taking things out of context makes you look like someone who doesn't care about context. 0.98

00:15:00.000 If you don't care about context, you're a prude.

00:15:03.000 What you're really saying is, I don't care about the context, you should never

00:15:08.000 You use such rude words. 0.99

00:15:09.000 And that is a shitty America you're creating. 1.00

00:15:13.000 And that's what this horrible little cunt wrote up. 1.00

00:15:18.000 Anyway, you can dig that up on your own time. 1.00

00:15:21.000 But I'm seeing what Tucker said on a shock jock show ten years ago.

00:15:28.000 And he's speaking in the vernacular of the show.

00:15:31.000 And he's saying, women are primitive, there's nothing... And he goes, I love women, but they are primitive and there's nothing they hate more than weakness.

00:15:38.000 Uh, yeah. 1.00

00:15:39.000 That's a fucking fact, you human pussy. 1.00

00:15:42.000 Uh, Charles, what's your name? 1.00

00:15:46.000 Charles Davis? 0.99

00:15:48.000 Even if he's gay, he's not getting laid. 0.99

00:15:51.000 That's how little of a man he is. 1.00

00:15:53.000 But anyway, I should just mention the fucking Jews thing. 1.00

00:15:54.000 I thought it was really funny. 0.99

00:15:56.000 I wrote an article about meeting a Hasidic Jew on a plane ride, and then we sat together for six hours to LA.

00:16:03.000 I've never not been around Hasidic Jews, basically, since I was 18.

00:16:07.000 The three places they are most common is Montreal, upstate New York, the Catskills, and Williamsburg. 0.98

00:16:15.000 And I lived in all three of those places from 18 till fucking 45. 0.95

00:16:21.000 So I know my Hasids. 0.95

00:16:22.000 Anyway, I did the article about how he was annoying at first.

00:16:26.000 You know, they tend not to have social skills, the Hasidic Jews, especially around Goyim. 1.00

00:16:31.000 And then we got along and then, you know, it was kind of a predictable article. 0.99

00:16:36.000 You know the in the third act we're best friends and we realize our common ground and blah blah blah and we agree to disagree on some things and I had made a new friend and I got his number and everything and then at the very end he's walking away and I wrote and at the end he was walking off the plane and I looked at him and I just thought fucking Jews 0.99

00:16:58.000 So the joke is that I wasn't changed after all. 0.77

00:17:02.000 And it was a funny ending because it sort of flew in the face of the predictability of the rest of the article.

00:17:07.000 And without it, the article just seemed a little too saccharine.

00:17:11.000 But I never wrote for The Daily Caller again.

00:17:13.000 They sort of quickly fired me after that.

00:17:16.000 And not even Tacky Mag wanted to run it. 0.97

00:17:18.000 I'm like, how can you not see that joke?

00:17:21.000 But they didn't.

00:17:23.000 So it ran without that, you know, that ending and it was just a very sweet article which is gay and not interesting. 1.00

00:17:34.000 And disappointing.

00:17:35.000 And that's sort of what my crusade is about these days.

00:17:39.000 You guys are killing jokes. 0.98

00:17:40.000 Jonathan Swift said the Irish should eat their babies. 0.99

00:17:43.000 You're taking that out. 0.93

00:17:45.000 And now it's just Jonathan Swift saying there's a population problem and it's mostly Irish Catholics.

00:17:51.000 They live in poverty.

00:17:52.000 There must be a solution.

00:17:54.000 Obviously they shouldn't eat their babies, says Jonathan Swift.

00:17:59.000 Anyway, that's catching up on the news. 0.99

00:18:01.000 And we'll get to the mailbag at the end of this, the scrotum. 0.96

00:18:05.000 I got some good ones. 0.86

00:18:06.000 But I want to talk about about Ricky Gervais' show, Afterlife.

00:18:10.000 It's beautifully written.

00:18:13.000 He's a really good writer.

00:18:15.000 And it's a level of sad that I think Americans lack. 0.97

00:18:19.000 British humor can have intelligent losers like Alan Partridge. 0.86

00:18:23.000 American humor, which I love. 0.90

00:18:25.000 I love Beavis and Butthead and I love Homer Simpson and bonking his head and everything.

00:18:28.000 And there's a lot of slipping on banana peel stuff.

00:18:31.000 But Americans aren't great at sadness.

00:18:36.000 They like things to end on a positive note.

00:18:38.000 Every movie has to end with everyone cheering at the end.

00:18:41.000 And I think the Brits are better at misery because it's raining out.

00:18:46.000 That's why they're so into fashion too and they're so good at subcultures and they're so good at music because they're inside all day.

00:18:53.000 You go to a British person's house and the wallpaper is textured. 1.00

00:18:58.000 Because they've had a lot of time to decorate this little room.

00:19:01.000 There's tables and tables and tables that sort of pull out if you want to have some tea.

00:19:05.000 And there's the little display case with all the different china and silver and stuff.

00:19:11.000 They got their TV. 0.99

00:19:12.000 There are three fucking channels. 0.99

00:19:13.000 I think they're up to more than three channels, but when I was a kid going to Scotland every summer, there was just BBC One, BBC Two, BBC Three. 0.99

00:19:20.000 Governments run television.

00:19:23.000 And of course, you have to pay your TV license.

00:19:25.000 Which my grandfather refused to do because he was so bloody cheap.

00:19:29.000 My grandfather built a hidden panel in his wall so to watch TV you pulled on a painting like a framed piece of art and that would open on a hinge and the TV was embedded into the wall.

00:19:41.000 This is by the way back when TVs were were really fat so you needed a lot of wall.

00:19:47.000 It must have stuck out the other side of the wall into his bedroom.

00:19:50.000 I hope it did because that's where the heat comes out.

00:19:55.000 Excuse me, sipping a coffee here.

00:20:00.000 So yeah, they're good at misery.

00:20:02.000 And I feel like as someone born in England to Scottish parents, I can commiserate with their misery. 1.00

00:20:07.000 I can commiserate.

00:20:09.000 And so I'm watching this show and it's Ricky Gervais lost his wife in it, didn't have kids. 0.87

00:20:16.000 And he, uh, he's miserable. 0.98

00:20:18.000 He wants to kill himself. 0.95

00:20:19.000 He's got nothing to live for, which by the way, is clearly an homage to his girlfriend of 30 years. 1.00

00:20:25.000 Put a ring on it, you douche. 0.99

00:20:28.000 And the guy slowly realizes, I don't want to spoil it for you, that maybe you shouldn't kill yourself. 0.99

00:20:34.000 Maybe life's worth living.

00:20:35.000 You knew that's where it was going.

00:20:37.000 And it's really funny.

00:20:39.000 And he has a junkie for a friend.

00:20:41.000 He decides he wants to OD on heroin.

00:20:43.000 He changes his mind about that.

00:20:44.000 There's a really weird scene.

00:20:46.000 Spoiler alert.

00:20:47.000 This whole podcast is going to be spoiler alerts.

00:20:50.000 There's a really weird scene where he helps facilitate the junkie's death. 0.67

00:20:54.000 And that's sort of poo-pooed, or that's just, I mean, that gets us a yelling match at one point, but it's kind of ignored.

00:21:02.000 And I kind of had trouble with the protagonist who murdered a man.

00:21:06.000 And make no mistake, if you introduce someone to heroin, you are murdering them.

00:21:12.000 I used to work with a guy who was a serial killer.

00:21:19.000 Because he had introduced, not just people to heroin, back when he was a junkie, he was clean when I met him, but he would show them how to shoot.

00:21:27.000 And he'd be like, here's what you do, you gotta get the air bubbles out, and you gotta cook it on the spoon, and he'd introduce maybe six or seven people to heroin.

00:21:33.000 Of course they're all dead.

00:21:35.000 You gotta be Keith Richards to shoot heroin and live. 0.97

00:21:41.000 So he was a serial killer.

00:21:43.000 What's the difference?

00:21:44.000 Tell me what the difference is.

00:21:46.000 You're knowingly walking someone up to the edge of a cliff and teaching them how to take selfies.

00:21:53.000 So the amazing thing about this show though, Afterlife, is it tells you a lot about Ricky Gervais.

00:22:00.000 And the protagonist is clearly him.

00:22:04.000 All protagonists in all shows are the guy, the writer.

00:22:09.000 So when you're watching, you know, the kid watching his favorite movie on TV, and it's some old Western, that's the writer saying, I love old Westerns.

00:22:20.000 Or in Independence Day, where they have the guy from Taxi being this sort of doting Jewish father, who's like, oy, my son!

00:22:29.000 You know, Jeffrey Goldblum's dad. 0.92

00:22:31.000 Oy, my son, he's killing the aliens! 0.94

00:22:34.000 Is he not? 0.99

00:22:34.000 Whoa! 0.99

00:22:37.000 That's the writer saying, my dad is awesome, my Jewish dad, and he would have been great if there was an alien invasion.

00:22:43.000 And he writes his dad into the movie because he thinks his dad's awesome.

00:22:47.000 Meanwhile, you watch the movie going, why is this dad schlepping around Air Force One?

00:22:52.000 Judd Hirsch.

00:22:53.000 That's such a superfluous character.

00:22:56.000 He wouldn't be anywhere if it wasn't for my son David. 0.86

00:22:58.000 He'd all be dead.

00:23:01.000 Can you not stick your parents in my action movies, please?

00:23:04.000 I know you love your dad.

00:23:05.000 That's awesome.

00:23:07.000 Dad sounds great.

00:23:07.000 He seems like a great guy.

00:23:08.000 I'd love to have tea with him sometime.

00:23:10.000 I don't need him fighting aliens with me when I'm trying to watch an action film.

00:23:15.000 It's just not Checkmate.

00:23:19.000 Ah, the aliens come!

00:23:20.000 They got the schmutz spinning out everywhere! 0.86

00:23:22.000 Why is it so cold in space?

00:23:24.000 Why would you want to be there?

00:23:25.000 Of course they're here!

00:23:26.000 You need to put a sweater on, David.

00:23:28.000 Put a sweater on.

00:23:30.000 You're gonna freeze your tuchus out there in space.

00:23:32.000 You schmutz them?

00:23:35.000 So, uh...

00:23:36.000 So Ricky Gervais is the character.

00:23:39.000 And you learn a lot about the guy.

00:23:40.000 And one thing that drives me nuts about Ricky is his disdain for traditionalism, which is a Canadian thing and a British thing.

00:23:47.000 They're always like, I don't need a cup.

00:23:49.000 I'm going to drink out of a bowl.

00:23:52.000 Like speaking of cartoonists earlier, Chester Brown, he wrote this book called Paying For It.

00:23:56.000 It's a graphic novel. 0.99

00:23:58.000 And it's all about how love is bullshit, man. 1.00

00:24:01.000 You don't need love. 0.99

00:24:02.000 You have friendship.

00:24:04.000 Just friendship and sex.

00:24:06.000 That's all you need.

00:24:08.000 And people conflate the two and they think it's love.

00:24:10.000 No. 0.99

00:24:11.000 You just have a female friend in your house that you have sex with. 1.00

00:24:14.000 You could have a different female friend and then pay a prostitute and you'd be just as fulfilled. 1.00

00:24:17.000 So in it... 0.97

00:24:19.000 It's a true story.

00:24:20.000 It's an autobiographical cartoonist. 0.89

00:24:22.000 In the book, he ends up having a prostitute that he goes with regularly. 0.96

00:24:27.000 Oh! 0.82

00:24:28.000 And then he develops a strong friendship with this prostitute and she stays in his home where he pays her a regular dividend. 0.86

00:24:39.000 And then he's not bananas about her being with other men. 0.99

00:24:44.000 Yeah, that's called falling in love, dickwad. 0.99

00:24:48.000 You just married her, you tard. 1.00

00:24:50.000 No, I didn't. 0.99

00:24:51.000 I just have a monogamous prostitute that I pay money that's my friend. 1.00

00:24:56.000 What do you think marriage is, man? 0.98

00:24:58.000 Oh, I never said man before like that.

00:25:00.000 Yeah, that was weird.

00:25:01.000 That was weird.

00:25:03.000 Well, you're a New Yorker now.

00:25:04.000 I'm going to call the sheriff.

00:25:08.000 So yeah, I'm watching it, and I'm seeing an atheist 1.00

00:25:12.000 Who didn't have kids, deal with his own mortality, and guess what?

00:25:18.000 When you're an atheist, and you have no connection to God, and you don't have kids, you don't feel like living.

00:25:26.000 And guess what?

00:25:27.000 You shouldn't. 0.99

00:25:28.000 No one gives a shit. 0.99

00:25:29.000 It's like Louis C.K. 1.00

00:25:30.000 said, you're not married, you don't have kids, you could die right now and no one would give a shit. 1.00

00:25:35.000 It's all about kids, and if you hate Christianity, fine. 1.00

00:25:38.000 Deism. 1.00

00:25:39.000 There's a scene in it where his stupid secretary, who believes in God, what a loser. 1.00

00:25:44.000 She likes Kevin Hart. 1.00

00:25:45.000 What a dumb bitch. 1.00

00:25:48.000 She says, how can you not believe in God? 1.00

00:25:50.000 What's the point?

00:25:51.000 Why go on?

00:25:53.000 And he says, well, do you believe in Buddha? 0.95

00:25:57.000 And he names all these other silly gods from Papua New Guinea and whatever Hindus believe in, that blue elephant lady. 0.99

00:26:04.000 Shiva? 0.99

00:26:05.000 Shiva, Ganesh, and all those weird, they got a fucking cobra playing a flute on a flying carpet or something with eight blue kids with elephant faces. 0.98

00:26:16.000 Whatever those, that's why I like Indians as immigrants, because their religion is not oppressive. 0.99

00:26:22.000 Pakistanis, they're like convert or die. 1.00

00:26:25.000 Hindus are like, we have a blue elephant friend here on a flying carpet and we'd love you to check him out and burn some incense and an orange and eat a cow milk and say hello to a cow as a friend. 0.98

00:26:37.000 And you're like, I'm not doing that.

00:26:39.000 But do you have a problem with that?

00:26:40.000 Absolutely not.

00:26:41.000 But you should meet my cobra friend.

00:26:43.000 He can play a flute.

00:26:45.000 I actually have been saying that for a long time and I Google imaged it.

00:26:48.000 I could not find any cobras playing flutes. 0.99

00:26:50.000 I don't know why.

00:26:50.000 Why that's in my head.

00:26:52.000 Oh, because people play flutes to cobras to get them out of that... No, thank you, Ryan.

00:26:57.000 Once again, Buzz Lightyear kicks in.

00:27:00.000 Cobra playing flute? 1.00

00:27:01.000 Fuck, I gotta say, that cop broke my tit. 1.00

00:27:05.000 And when I push on my right tit, I feel a click click click Sort of like that game. 1.00

00:27:11.000 Sorry where you push the thing with the dice and it goes cook Luke cook Luke and I looked up pectoral I looked up rib cages on Google image and there is like a little you know when they when they manufacture the rib, I guess God couldn't make one entire rib So there is a seam

00:27:29.000 Yeah, it was like an Ikea thing.

00:27:30.000 Yeah, I'm pushing on it right now.

00:27:33.000 He clicked my seam.

00:27:37.000 This other dude at the gym came up to me and he goes, yo, did that guy, you owe him money or something? 1.00

00:27:44.000 No, he's just a dick who punched me way too hard. 1.00

00:27:49.000 He's a fucking giant. 1.00

00:27:50.000 I owe him a cracked rib. 1.00

00:27:51.000 He beats up people.

00:27:52.000 You know what he did once to a perp?

00:27:54.000 He realized that the guy was trying to kill him.

00:27:57.000 And he thought this is not going to go well and he's holding the guy and they're wrestling at the top of stairs and he goes, I might die if I continue with this.

00:28:05.000 I know what I'm going to do.

00:28:07.000 He picks up the guy and throws both of them down the stairs.

00:28:13.000 So he jumps down the stairs, making sure the perp hits the ground first.

00:28:17.000 They both get knocked unconscious, and the perp is in worse than him, and that's how he ends the fight. 0.99

00:28:23.000 So that's a typical day at work for this guy, and I stepped into the ring with him and he broke my tits. 0.99

00:28:30.000 I don't know if I said this on the other podcast, but I said to him, this is gay, but since you left, because he went on vacation, or he went to see his wife in LA, long story, but I go, since you left, my heart hurts, and that's gay. 1.00

00:28:43.000 And he's in EMT, and he goes, luckily, your heart is more easy to feel on your left pectoral.

00:28:50.000 And then the previous week, I did this insane workout that had me walking like Red Fox for a week.

00:28:57.000 Now, I'm sort of like getting out of bed going, ah!

00:29:00.000 That's now almost three weeks I've been going, ah!

00:29:04.000 Every time I go downstairs or get out of bed.

00:29:06.000 I would think that would turn on my wife. 1.00

00:29:10.000 Because I'm a badass.

00:29:12.000 You know?

00:29:14.000 Like I just watched Creed and he's peeing blood and stuff. 0.99

00:29:17.000 My wife seemed turned on by that guy, Michael B. Jordan, who's definitely gay. 1.00

00:29:23.000 I here, on the record, would like to assert that Michael B. Jordan is gay. 0.99

00:29:28.000 My gaydar just sounds like radioactive waste. 0.99

00:29:31.000 Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, with a Giger counter every time he walks by. 1.00

00:29:35.000 He acts with his lips.

00:29:36.000 He's got all these little chemises he wears in that movie too, Creed 2.

00:29:40.000 Every shirt is like a soft, thin sweatshirt and like thin sweatpants with his bare feet in every scene.

00:29:49.000 He lives with his parents. 0.96

00:29:51.000 He's gay. 0.99

00:29:52.000 In real life, he lives with his parents. 0.93

00:29:53.000 No!

00:29:54.000 Yeah, in real life, he lives with his parents. 0.94

00:29:56.000 Do you think he's gay because every time you blow him in your daydreams, he enjoys it? 1.00

00:30:04.000 Yeah, every time I'm done, I look down and go, fucking fag! 1.00

00:30:07.000 And he's like, what are you doing? 1.00

00:30:08.000 You would like that blowjob, you homo! 1.00

00:30:10.000 Where are you going? 1.00

00:30:12.000 Is your rib okay? 1.00

00:30:13.000 Every time he leaves me alone in the apartment, I just think, fucking fag! 1.00

00:30:18.000 I'll be back soon. 1.00

00:30:19.000 Yeah, sure you will, faggot. 1.00

00:30:21.000 He comes back, where were you? 1.00

00:30:22.000 You'll be gone all day, probably.

00:30:24.000 How the hell do we get to Creed from Ricky Gervais?

00:30:32.000 Crack ribs?

00:30:33.000 Oh yeah, my poor ribs.

00:30:35.000 Anyway, my wife isn't turned on by that. 1.00

00:30:36.000 She thinks she's living with George Burns.

00:30:39.000 It's really hard to turn on a woman you've known since 2001.

00:30:43.000 I don't know what I have to do.

00:30:44.000 And I gotta be the disciplinarian in the house.

00:30:46.000 Like, I got in trouble the other day for yelling at my daughter.

00:30:49.000 She kinda checked me in the hallway.

00:30:52.000 Like, every time I enforce the rules, I get this snarky talkback.

00:30:56.000 So then I can't let that go. 1.00

00:30:58.000 It's like being called a bitch in prison. 1.00

00:31:01.000 Once you're a bitch, then you're a dead man. 1.00

00:31:04.000 It's like, I'm a corrections officer. 1.00

00:31:06.000 If someone, if a prisoner calls a corrections officer a bitch, he's gotta rattle their cage or something or he's dead. 0.99

00:31:13.000 Can't be dead in my own home. 0.99

00:31:15.000 It's mayhem.

00:31:16.000 It's mayhem.

00:31:17.000 I'm the warden someone talks back to me or Kind of checks me in the stairs.

00:31:22.000 I got to bring down the hammer or I'm not safe But that then the wife's turned off because you're in a fight with the kids Then she's not turned on because you're walking down the stairs like you're a hundred and ninety years old.

00:31:37.000 Anyway, I

00:31:38.000 Jesus, Tangent McInnes over here.

00:31:40.000 So I just think it's interesting that the protagonist... If you went to therapy, the podcast would be a half hour shorter every episode.

00:31:55.000 So the protagonist is always 68% the writer.

00:32:01.000 And this is 68% Ricky Gervais.

00:32:03.000 And every time he goes to kill himself, his dog barks. 0.97

00:32:07.000 He's a doggy daddy. 0.59

00:32:09.000 His dog barks and then he says, oh, I guess I'm not going to kill myself.

00:32:12.000 And there's a scene at the beginning where he's opening up a tin of dog food.

00:32:16.000 And he says, if you could open a tin, I'd be dead right now. 1.00

00:32:20.000 But you can't because you're useless. 1.00

00:32:22.000 And he's one of these atheists, childless atheists, who loves animals. 0.99

00:32:26.000 Animals are better than people.

00:32:28.000 At one point in the show, he goes, the thing I love about animals, while they're better than people, is they don't whinge, which is whining in British.

00:32:34.000 They just get on with it, you know?

00:32:37.000 Ricky, all animals do is whine.

00:32:40.000 My dog, if I keep him in the kitchen and we have contractors over or something, he just sits there crying all day until they leave because he can't do his job, which is barking at strangers.

00:32:54.000 Or even in the wild, if you want to go birdwatching, one handy trick is to go... It's pretty cool.

00:33:07.000 You know what that is?

00:33:08.000 No.

00:33:09.000 That is the sound of a dying animal crying, whining, whinging.

00:33:14.000 And the reason it's good for bird watchers is birds are curious.

00:33:19.000 So if they hear about like a dying raccoon, they go, I want to go check that out.

00:33:24.000 So as you sit there doing the sound of a crying, whining, dying animal, birds surround you.

00:33:29.000 And then you can go, oh, that's a keel-billed mott-mott. 1.00

00:33:32.000 That's a yellow-bellied fart nigger. 1.00

00:33:35.000 Said Necker. 1.00

00:33:37.000 N-E-C-K-E-R. 1.00

00:33:38.000 Still funny.

00:33:41.000 Phew, that almost got me fired from my non-existent job. 0.97

00:33:47.000 The way that would appear in Wikipedia too is it said, he regularly uses the term fart nigger. 0.96

00:33:54.000 Is it a command? 0.96

00:33:55.000 Yeah.

00:33:57.000 I demand a, I demand a poot out of you. 1.00

00:33:59.000 These goddamn fart niggers are coming in here taking our jobs. 1.00

00:34:02.000 Those are the birds that always show up last. 1.00

00:34:06.000 Him and his partner have joked about lazy birds that are African Americans. 0.75

00:34:12.000 Um, but yeah.

00:34:15.000 And I understand you're feeling protagonist because you didn't have kids.

00:34:19.000 Let's get away from Christianity because I know that's a hot button. 1.00

00:34:21.000 So let's just say the existence of God.

00:34:23.000 Make it ethereal spiritual deism, right?

00:34:27.000 You have kids.

00:34:28.000 Your kids have kids.

00:34:30.000 Your parents were kids.

00:34:32.000 And when you go to church on a Sunday, you feel this inexorable connection with everyone who came before you.

00:34:39.000 Yes, there was rapists and murderers, but there's checks and balances for them.

00:34:44.000 Like, the murderers have nightmares every night, and they tend not to have kids, and they don't continue.

00:34:49.000 Life is much safer.

00:34:50.000 There's much fewer murderers now than there was a hundred years ago.

00:34:56.000 And if you want to see God, go check the average lifespan over the past hundred years.

00:35:02.000 It just keeps going up and up and up and up.

00:35:04.000 We keep improving.

00:35:05.000 We're all linked that way.

00:35:08.000 So the bubonic plague, you know, working with farm animals, it may have killed the Indians because they didn't have immunity to it, but we died too. 0.94

00:35:17.000 We had the plague, but we eventually got better and better at fighting disease.

00:35:20.000 Our immune system has been getting better generation by generation. 0.75

00:35:24.000 Like blacks get sickle cell anemia because their blood 1.00

00:35:28.000 is more prone to coagulate in hot climates where your blood ends up being thinner.

00:35:34.000 They come to a cold climate and they're over coagulating but that will change in time and they will have less sickle cell anemia as they get more and more used to living in cold climates.

00:35:46.000 Over time we all adapt.

00:35:49.000 The Starling

00:35:51.000 was introduced to Central Park about 100 years ago, maybe it was 200 years ago, and it had no natural predators, so it took over all of North America. 0.99

00:36:01.000 Eventually there'll be a balance with that, and the starling won't be the stupid dick it is now, who kicks people, people, kicks birds out of their nests, takes over their nests, and just dominates the entire country. 0.99

00:36:13.000 It all started with like 30 starlings. 0.99

00:36:15.000 I believe now they're the most common bird in that country.

00:36:20.000 So, when you don't have kids, you're not part of the gang anymore.

00:36:25.000 You're not inexorably linked to the rest of us.

00:36:28.000 And suicide does feel like an option. 1.00

00:36:30.000 Now, your barking dog, that's a pathetic excuse for a child. 1.00

00:36:35.000 It's not better than people, Ricky. 1.00

00:36:38.000 It's worse.

00:36:39.000 Especially the domesticated dog that's in your house.

00:36:42.000 That's a freak that we built. 1.00

00:36:46.000 After thousands of years, we trained it to kiss your ass. 1.00

00:36:50.000 So, you don't have this thing that loves you because you're you, Rick. 1.00

00:36:55.000 It loves you because we made it love you, unconditionally.

00:37:00.000 And that's not what wolves are like.

00:37:02.000 All dogs come from wolves.

00:37:03.000 Wolves, they eat every three weeks.

00:37:06.000 They attack the alpha on a daily basis to test him.

00:37:10.000 It's sort of like the free market.

00:37:12.000 One restaurant has one thing of food, one food poisoning bout, and it's done.

00:37:17.000 One alpha can't defend himself one day.

00:37:20.000 And he's done.

00:37:21.000 New alpha in town.

00:37:23.000 That's not what dogs are like at all. 0.87

00:37:24.000 So we took this weird hungry dog that's too affectionate, hungry wolf, sorry, that's too affectionate, and we just kept breeding him and breeding him until we had this loser. 0.99

00:37:33.000 Dogs are losers. 0.62

00:37:36.000 And just like this guy used to work with, we'd be on business trips when I had an ad agency and he'd say, God, I miss my dog. 0.99

00:37:41.000 And I go, what?

00:37:43.000 How can you miss your dog?

00:37:44.000 We've been away for two days.

00:37:47.000 And then he had kids, two daughters.

00:37:51.000 I check in with them once in a while and I go, what's going on with your dog, by the way?

00:37:54.000 What?

00:37:55.000 Your dog, that boxer?

00:37:57.000 Oh yeah, yeah.

00:37:58.000 I gave him to my in-laws.

00:37:59.000 I don't want that around the kids. 1.00

00:38:00.000 Could fucking bite them or something. 1.00

00:38:02.000 Do you miss him? 1.00

00:38:02.000 What? 1.00

00:38:03.000 No.

00:38:03.000 Why would I miss a dog?

00:38:05.000 See, once you have kids, the whole perspective changes and he doesn't see that.

00:38:11.000 And that's also linked to God, to deism.

00:38:16.000 And he doesn't see that either. 0.98

00:38:19.000 So it's kind of a frustrating show to watch because you feel like saying to Ricky Gervais, hey Ricky Gervais, you should check out this show on Netflix called Afterlife by Ricky Gervais and you can see what happens to your modus operandi where kids are a pain in the ass and you shouldn't have them and there's no life beyond animals. 0.99

00:38:42.000 Because that guy feels like killing himself. 0.98

00:38:45.000 And that's where you are.

00:38:47.000 That's what your utopia is, is people who feel like killing themselves.

00:38:53.000 There's no point without kids.

00:38:55.000 Well, what about a woman who can't have kids? 1.00

00:38:57.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:38:58.000 Look, 5% of the population shouldn't have kids.

00:39:01.000 But the way it's going now is 95% of the population is told they shouldn't bother.

00:39:05.000 And I think Ricky's new show is a great example of that.

00:39:10.000 I hope I covered everything.

00:39:11.000 I actually took some voice notes while I was watching.

00:39:15.000 So I wouldn't forget anything.

00:39:16.000 Let's go through them together, shall we?

00:39:18.000 Don't forget to read the letter.

00:39:20.000 Oh yeah, I will.

00:39:21.000 Another funny thing about Ricky's show.

00:39:26.000 I call him Ricky.

00:39:27.000 It's like when people call Robert De Niro Bob.

00:39:33.000 The characters keep calling his character funny.

00:39:37.000 And it's weird how someone's writing a script.

00:39:38.000 Oh yeah, I forgot about that.

00:39:41.000 In the script, the guy's name's Tony.

00:39:44.000 And at least seven different times, different characters say, Tony, don't kill yourself, you're so funny.

00:39:51.000 And you're really funny.

00:39:53.000 Tony, don't, no, you gotta keep going, you're so funny.

00:39:58.000 Even his dead wife he watches videos of her and in one of the videos she goes Tony, you know, you're so fun at parties little funny red-faced fat man running around making everybody laugh and I'm thinking of Ricky Gervais at a typewriter or a little computer typing up

00:40:17.000 About himself, it's like when you read an author's bio in a book, and it's like, Gavin has fought hard throughout his whole life, a bit of a pugilist if you will, and you're like, you clearly wrote this about yourself. 0.87

00:40:29.000 Or you can see it in Wikipedia pages too, like, originally called a paganist, Mark identifies more with spiritual, and you're like, you're writing about yourself dude, it's so fucking obvious. 0.93

00:40:41.000 And there's Ricky, typing up a sentence, calling him a red-faced little fat man, making everybody laugh.

00:40:48.000 But I'm funny, do you know what I mean?

00:40:52.000 I'm a funny guy.

00:40:53.000 So you take comedy, you turn it into painful, and you turn it into comedy.

00:40:57.000 I would be remiss!

00:41:00.000 And we're laughing!

00:41:02.000 We're laughing!

00:41:03.000 It's so funny!

00:41:05.000 I would be remiss if I didn't include the umpteenth time a friend or even a stranger has told me how funny I am.

00:41:15.000 And there's a lot of political correctness in it too, like the Indian girl is, you know, just a wonderful genius.

00:41:22.000 And by the way, lefties, when you're writing scripts and you make the black person or the Indian girl

00:41:28.000 That's so true. 0.96

00:41:41.000 In movies and TV shows and you're like, uh, a mugger could come up to this guy and shoot him in the head right now and I wouldn't blink because you didn't give him any depth.

00:41:51.000 He's a cardboard cutout, sweetheart, African guy. 0.95

00:41:55.000 When the guy's like unattractive and super dark, they just make him an angel. 1.00

00:42:00.000 And you go, that's not how people are, you dumb racist. 1.00

00:42:04.000 You don't like squares? 1.00

00:42:06.000 Just fucking taking up space? 0.99

00:42:08.000 Hey, like there was that movie where Adam Sandler lost his wife in 9-11 and Don Cheadle was his best friend. 0.99

00:42:14.000 And Don Cheadle would come by and say, how you doing, man?

00:42:17.000 Hey, you got to get back on the horse.

00:42:19.000 Kind of like actually this Ricky Gervais show.

00:42:21.000 And you're just looking at him going, can you make him tell an inappropriate joke or fart or steal five bucks?

00:42:28.000 Like just make him a person.

00:42:30.000 He doesn't exist right now.

00:42:31.000 Alright, here's another voice note, and I apologize in advance if this repeats things, but I just want to be thorough here.

00:42:39.000 It's funny how I shit on fiction all the time and I just basically am watching a fictional book. 0.52

00:42:44.000 Yeah, good point me. 0.99

00:42:46.000 I think fiction is, I did a show called Fiction is for Fags, a segment on my own show.

00:42:51.000 And, uh, I don't understand how people can sit down with a book, which a book is like your foie gras and you're being force fed information.

00:42:59.000 So to force feed someone else's imagination down your throat doesn't make sense to me.

00:43:03.000 But then I watch movies and TV and that's all fiction.

00:43:07.000 So actually no, the most of what I watch is Tucker and documentaries.

00:43:12.000 But yeah, I do watch a lot of fiction.

00:43:18.000 Oh, I'm glad I'm doing this voice note thing.

00:43:22.000 The soundtrack on Ricky Gervais' show is mental.

00:43:27.000 I think he spent 80% of his budget on it.

00:43:30.000 He's got Elton John and not Jimi Hendrix, I don't think, but upwards of Jimi Hendrix. 0.99

00:43:36.000 Like major fucking players. 0.99

00:43:40.000 On this show. 1.00

00:43:40.000 It's a movie soundtrack. 1.00

00:43:42.000 It sounds like Thor Ragnarok or something.

00:43:45.000 I wouldn't be surprised if Led Zeppelin are bussed out in a thing.

00:43:49.000 I don't know what, it's kind of a cool idea too.

00:43:51.000 Take your budget, and what most people do with TV and movies is they have a budget. 0.82

00:43:57.000 They spend it all, they cut corners, and then they go, oh shit, we need a soundtrack. 0.79

00:44:01.000 So they will literally spend $800 paying some random music student money to score the whole film. 0.98

00:44:09.000 And it's whatever.

00:44:11.000 But Ragnarok, Ragnarok?

00:44:14.000 Ragnarok?

00:44:15.000 I think they have Led Zeppelin in it?

00:44:17.000 Or ACDC or something?

00:44:18.000 Yeah, they have a Led Zeppelin immigrant song.

00:44:21.000 Yeah, which is a...

00:44:23.000 Yeah.

00:44:23.000 Yeah!

00:44:24.000 And what they do is they boost it up. 0.93

00:44:26.000 Like, it sounds better than the original version, because they'll boost it up to be cinematic, and it just fucking sounds bad.

00:44:32.000 I actually never really liked that song that much.

00:44:35.000 What?

00:44:35.000 Yeah, I knew it rocked.

00:44:37.000 Is that the one, right?

00:44:38.000 But yeah.

00:44:41.000 That's it, right?

00:44:41.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:44:42.000 But the way they boost it up is fucking terrible. 0.98

00:44:43.000 How can you not like that song? 0.99

00:44:44.000 I like when people go, Led Zeppelin ripped off the blues.

00:44:48.000 I like the blues way better.

00:44:49.000 And you're like, OK, what would you rather clean your room to?

00:44:52.000 No, that was even too good.

00:45:04.000 No, that's even too good.

00:45:06.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:45:06.000 It's always like, mud, water, willy.

00:45:10.000 No, that's even too good. 0.97

00:45:15.000 You look up the real originator blues, like Robert Johnson, whatever his name is, and you put that on, all scratchy on the record, and it sucks. 0.98

00:45:23.000 It's boring. 0.99

00:45:24.000 Immigrant song is a fucking jam and I don't care if the origins are loosely associated with blues. 1.00

00:45:30.000 It's like Chinese food. 1.00

00:45:31.000 You go to China and you eat Chinese food.

00:45:33.000 You know what they do for turtle soup? 1.00

00:45:35.000 They stick a fucking turtle in a bowl of hot water. 1.00

00:45:39.000 That's it! 1.00

00:45:40.000 Actually, no.

00:45:41.000 It's in a steel dish like a pan and then they put it on the table in front of you.

00:45:46.000 And it's just a turtle boiled alive.

00:45:48.000 That's it.

00:45:49.000 It's not chopped up.

00:45:50.000 It's not fried.

00:45:51.000 And then you have Chinese food here and it's like King Pao's, Colonel Pao's chicken or whatever.

00:45:55.000 It's delicious.

00:45:57.000 I like westernized cultures.

00:46:00.000 I think it's an improvement.

00:46:02.000 Jesus, you go to China, just say you're a vegetarian, because there's going to be millipedes, you're going to be eating a horse's eye. 0.79

00:46:09.000 It's unbelievably disgusting bonafide Chinese food, whereas Chinese food here is awesome. 0.99

00:46:15.000 Similarly, the Blues Originator is boring crap. 0.99

00:46:19.000 But Led Zeppelin Immigrant Song? 0.98

00:46:21.000 I'm obsessed with them.

00:46:25.000 If I had a time machine, I would not go kill Hitler. 0.91

00:46:27.000 I would go to Led Zeppelin's jam space the first time they did Immigrant Song, and I want to see them after they played it for the first time. 0.99

00:46:35.000 And they're just looking at each other going, what the fuck? 0.97

00:46:37.000 What did we just do? 0.99

00:46:39.000 Jimmy, you are amazing at the guitar! 0.99

00:46:44.000 And Rob, holy shit, you got some pipes! 0.98

00:46:47.000 We have a jam on our hands, gentlemen! 0.99

00:46:50.000 Oh no, did Shepard Fairey design the album for that? 0.99

00:46:54.000 That sucks.

00:46:55.000 Anyway, the soundtrack is awesome, and it really improves the show.

00:46:58.000 I just emailed you two, there's the um... Shut up. 0.96

00:47:01.000 Where'd he cover that? 1.00

00:47:15.000 We're all just... I know he doesn't have a beard and all that shit. 0.99

00:47:20.000 We're just all trying to figure out... Here I am, Gordon P. So what I was saying there is, they go, oh, you know, you make fun of Hindu gods and stuff. 0.99

00:47:29.000 Yeah, all religion, from Hindus, Papua New Guinea, Catholicism, we're all just trying to make a semblance of

00:47:42.000 Rational explanation for what we know to be true.

00:47:46.000 Like infinity, our brains just can't understand it.

00:47:48.000 What was before God, Ricky Gervais says on the show?

00:47:51.000 I don't know, I can't...

00:47:52.000 My brain is not good enough to handle that.

00:47:55.000 So when tribesmen draw like a cloud with a lightning bolt and a guy standing on it and they pray to the trees and talk to trees and Catholics have, you know, a ceremony with eating that little wafer thingamadoodle and talking to a priest in a little cage, it's all the same! 0.99

00:48:13.000 And isn't it a proof that God exists?

00:48:16.000 When you go way out into the Amazon, and you find some guy with a spear, and he goes, uh, uh, uh, uh, and points up and recognizes that there's some sort of superior force, and then you go to Harvard, to the, you know, the Religion and Ethics Department, and that guy, too, points up and goes, yeah, there seems to be, you know, it seems inarguable that there is some ulterior force, you know, north of the clouds, if you will,

00:48:43.000 Isn't the ubiquity of religion proof that God exists in and of itself?

00:48:50.000 Any hizzle.

00:48:52.000 What else did I say in this voice note?

00:48:54.000 Dad, what if there was a dog that was smaller than a duck?

00:49:00.000 That's not it.

00:49:03.000 My youngest asked me that in the car.

00:49:04.000 Hey dad, what if there was a dog that was smarter than a crumb?

00:49:10.000 You mean like a brine shrimp, but a dog?

00:49:13.000 That would be funny.

00:49:15.000 Alright, here's one.

00:49:18.000 Did you ever want kids?

00:49:19.000 No. 1.00

00:49:19.000 Annoying little fuckers. 1.00

00:49:20.000 I mean, he's joking, but he's not. 1.00

00:49:23.000 So, this is in the show.

00:49:25.000 At one point, she says, did you ever want kids?

00:49:27.000 And he goes, no. 1.00

00:49:28.000 Annoying little fuckers. 1.00

00:49:29.000 Which I've heard him say before. 1.00

00:49:32.000 As Ricky Gervais.

00:49:33.000 He's crying and he goes, this is why I didn't want kids.

00:49:36.000 Sniveling. 1.00

00:49:37.000 Pathetic. 1.00

00:49:39.000 I mean, he does a lot of this shitting on kids stuff. 1.00

00:49:43.000 Um, like he has a bit where he talks about how when kids, when you have kids you gotta pay for everything and he lists a bunch of stuff and then he ends on chemotherapy. 0.98

00:49:52.000 And he does, you know, he goes off for a bit about that.

00:49:56.000 And it's weird as a father hearing the childless make jokes about kids.

00:50:03.000 They don't get it.

00:50:05.000 It's almost like a white guy doing jokes about being black or something.

00:50:10.000 You know? 0.79

00:50:10.000 And he's like, you know how it is when you're in the shower using a washcloth and white people don't use a washcloth? 0.79

00:50:17.000 White people are weird. 0.99

00:50:18.000 Why don't white people use a washcloth? 1.00

00:50:20.000 And you're like, yeah, that sounds kind of funny, but what the fuck do you know about it? 1.00

00:50:25.000 All right. 0.97

00:50:27.000 That was, uh... Yeah, it's sort of like Opie and Anthony when Jim Norton would do his uncle pedophile jokes, and Anthony, Uncle Paul, Anthony would laugh, and then Opie wouldn't like it.

00:50:39.000 It's hard to explain to people without kids, but the whole, like, kid with chemotherapy thing.

00:50:43.000 I'm actually at the point now where I can't go to dailymail.uk.co.gov.uk, whatever it's called, because so much of their front page is a child in peril.

00:50:54.000 Like, oh, there was one story, a Russian guy.

00:50:57.000 Thank God he was Russian, not near us. 1.00

00:51:00.000 But he he raped his three year old daughter and killed her and then hanged her with one of her favorite toys just to hurt the mother who I believe then killed herself. 0.97

00:51:10.000 I want a warning on those stories. 0.99

00:51:12.000 But yeah, in the show, Ricky is happy to crap on kids because he doesn't really get it. 0.58

00:51:19.000 And this is fun when you're young. 0.97

00:51:22.000 I'm an atheist.

00:51:23.000 It's sort of like in high school where you go, I'm a celibate, actually.

00:51:27.000 I have no libido.

00:51:29.000 I remember guys would do that.

00:51:30.000 Basically, they wanted girls to try to break them as a way to get laid. 1.00

00:51:35.000 But atheism is cool when you're a young man.

00:51:37.000 I'm not falling for your scam.

00:51:40.000 I'm looking for logic.

00:51:41.000 You need to show me, you need to prove to me it exists.

00:51:44.000 But then you get older and you don't have kids because you're an atheist and kids are illogical and you don't get married because that's just a piece of paper. 0.98

00:51:54.000 And when those three conflate, I don't believe in God.

00:51:57.000 I'm not married.

00:51:58.000 I don't have kids.

00:51:59.000 You realize that you bucked the system so well that you're no longer a participant in humanity.

00:52:07.000 And the next thing you know, you're writing a sitcom about suicide because it's going through your mind.

00:52:16.000 No, I'm happy.

00:52:17.000 I'm writing a character.

00:52:19.000 Ricky, we can see you in Tony. 1.00

00:52:23.000 And you fucked up, basically. 1.00

00:52:26.000 And you fucked up because you don't get it. 1.00

00:52:29.000 I understand you're not getting it if you don't have kids. 1.00

00:52:31.000 When you talk about your pets.

00:52:33.000 Those of us with kids, when we hear you talk about your pets, it's just like having kids, my dogs.

00:52:37.000 Oh really?

00:52:37.000 What school are your dogs going to?

00:52:39.000 Do you live in a good school district for your fucking dogs? 1.00

00:52:43.000 I know a guy whose son killed himself. 1.00

00:52:46.000 It's a long, horrific story that's just unimaginable.

00:52:50.000 But I bring it up because he couldn't cry.

00:52:54.000 I mean, he could cry, obviously, but he couldn't mourn.

00:52:57.000 He had to sort of do that in private because the kids are there.

00:53:02.000 He has like four other kids.

00:53:05.000 And he has to soldier on, which I believe is part of the biological design by the big guy, where I can't have parents killing themselves all over the place.

00:53:16.000 So I'll put in a thing where you have to keep smiling and soldier on because you have other kids and they need a father.

00:53:23.000 And by the way, here's another one that no one talks about.

00:53:26.000 You got to remarry.

00:53:28.000 Like Mary Catherine Ham, I think she's finally got a new dude.

00:53:31.000 It's your moral obligation if your husband dies or your wife dies to remarry because kids need two parents. 0.54

00:53:37.000 So you gotta soldier on.

00:53:40.000 And they do!

00:53:41.000 These people, these victims.

00:53:43.000 I know another, I know a friend of mine died and he had two kids and a wife and you know, she obviously had a rough year but...

00:53:49.000 She's now remarried and has kids with the new guy, and everyone's happy.

00:53:52.000 They soldiered on.

00:53:53.000 But if you don't have kids, you don't need to soldier on.

00:53:56.000 was right.

00:53:56.000 Louis C.K.

00:53:58.000 You could fucking die. 1.00

00:54:00.000 You know, I quit hard liquor for Lent. 1.00

00:54:03.000 And you just go to bed every night like a bloated seal.

00:54:08.000 After having drank about six beers, zero buzz at all.

00:54:12.000 You gotta get up in the middle of the night and piss.

00:54:14.000 You kinda get a hangover sometimes, a little bit of a headache, but not really.

00:54:19.000 And I don't know, man.

00:54:22.000 I don't get how, my dad's an alcoholic, and he only drinks Bud Light.

00:54:28.000 So he'll have maybe 1,000 a day.

00:54:31.000 I don't get how you get a buzz off these.

00:54:33.000 All right, we're running out of time here.

00:54:35.000 I gotta go see a man about a horse.

00:54:39.000 Let's do the mailbag, shall we?

00:54:42.000 Ready?

00:54:43.000 We should have a song.

00:54:44.000 There should be some sort of introduction.

00:54:46.000 Mailbag, mail... I always do Wayne's World.

00:54:49.000 Is that Tracy Chapman?

00:55:05.000 Isn't it weird how people have hits like that and they just vanish?

00:55:08.000 Like, what ever happened to him?

00:55:09.000 Her.

00:55:13.000 You were right the first time.

00:55:15.000 Talk about a revolution.

00:55:22.000 And she also did... So she had some... What is it with lesbians, or at least lesbian music, where they... It's the jaw. 1.00

00:55:34.000 Every line has to hit every possible note.

00:55:39.000 That's the thing about women, too. 1.00

00:55:41.000 They're always like... I'm never just gonna... like Annie DeFranco.

00:55:44.000 Or Sia. 0.93

00:55:45.000 Uppy Downy.

00:55:55.000 We get it.

00:55:56.000 It's almost like Jack Black.

00:55:57.000 Every time you do an imitation, I go, that sounds easy, I'm gonna do it.

00:56:13.000 That's perfect.

00:56:14.000 That was perfect.

00:56:16.000 There's literally nothing wrong with what you just did.

00:56:17.000 That was just as good as mine.

00:56:19.000 Not kidding.

00:56:19.000 Don't say literally.

00:56:21.000 Okay, here's a good one.

00:56:25.000 So this guy goes, Uhuru brother, I like your new sunglasses.

00:56:28.000 I'd like to preface this by saying I'm a cisgender blah blah blah.

00:56:31.000 Been meaning to write you for a while.

00:56:33.000 My brother has turned into a total Miles McInnes and he even organized an intervention style meeting with my family to get me to stop listening to your show.

00:56:42.000 This is a weird thing and a new thing about the left.

00:56:45.000 That not only are they not satisfied with like, I hate that guy, but no one else can even listen to him.

00:56:51.000 So we've gone from free speech where you can't say what you want, to you can't listen to what you want.

00:56:56.000 What if he hate listens to me?

00:56:58.000 Anyway, this all came about after the whole fake FBI designation.

00:57:01.000 And he's talking about when Proud Boys were called a hate group by the FBI, which they were not.

00:57:05.000 And he convinced my whole family that the FBI is coming after me, despite the fact that we live in Canada.

00:57:10.000 He also convinced my family that I'm a right-wing extremist.

00:57:14.000 And even though I'm pretty left-leaning, because I called into your old Gavin McInnes show twice to talk about the chicks I was seeing at the time.

00:57:23.000 Hashtag no wanks.

00:57:24.000 Anyways, I stupidly mentioned the name of my small city I was living in at the time to you and Dante as well.

00:57:29.000 I noticed that immediately after this fake FBI designation and my whole intervention, that the city I mentioned randomly got hit by a barrage of fake bomb threats and hate crime hoaxes.

00:57:41.000 Did I accidentally cause all of this?

00:57:44.000 Or am I just being overly paranoid because my family's crazy?

00:57:47.000 I feel like I may have accidentally doxxed that whole small city.

00:57:51.000 I'd love to hear your thoughts on this situation.

00:57:53.000 I like you more than a friend.

00:57:55.000 And then he gets scared and he goes, sends me another one going, please don't mention my name or email on the show. 1.00

00:58:02.000 And so I just, I'm not mentioning your name, you douche, but I just emailed him back and I go, maybe try growing a ball, you complete fucking loser. 0.99

00:58:11.000 And then I said, and yes, we'll be reading all of this on the show with your name and the name of the town. 1.00

00:58:18.000 You're fucked. 1.00

00:58:19.000 That's fucking hilarious. 1.00

00:58:25.000 It's just so frustrating when I'm out here, you know, getting my home docks, my phone docks, and fired and de-platformed, and some guy's like, did I jeopardize my town? 0.97

00:58:38.000 Oh, what have I done?

00:58:41.000 Oh, I jeopardized the town. 1.00

00:58:45.000 God, what a disgusting pussy. 1.00

00:58:48.000 It's like, again, gay is no longer an insult. 1.00

00:58:52.000 Gays are way cooler than those guys. 1.00

00:58:54.000 Women, to call you a bitch is an insult. 1.00

00:58:56.000 Not an insult, women are way tougher than you. 1.00

00:58:59.000 And you get guys now saying, yeah, well I'm a total bitch. 1.00

00:59:05.000 Just saying it like it's fun. 0.99

00:59:06.000 Like I'm allergic to cats. 0.99

00:59:08.000 I'm a total pussy, I can't deal with that. 1.00

00:59:10.000 Oh yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:59:10.000 I'm allergic to cats and I'm a total pussy. 1.00

00:59:12.000 I do hear that a lot. 0.99

00:59:13.000 Huh.

00:59:14.000 I got one.

00:59:15.000 Okay.

00:59:16.000 I'm gonna skip the joke.

00:59:18.000 Yeah, we're not doing any I Just Flew Back From, so please stop sending them.

00:59:21.000 I get nothing but that.

00:59:22.000 I have thousands.

00:59:23.000 And you ruined it for me, too, by the way. 0.99

00:59:25.000 Because you sent me so many that were half-assed that it's like hearing shitty punk. 0.99

00:59:30.000 Ah. 0.99

00:59:32.000 So CJ from Wollongong, Australia says, Ryan is a dead-set legend and anyone who thinks otherwise is a soft cock. 0.88

00:59:41.000 I like that because I've never heard anybody... Have you ever heard that before? 0.57

00:59:44.000 No. 0.99

00:59:44.000 A soft cock. 0.99

00:59:45.000 I like it. 0.99

00:59:47.000 I like it because you ever do so much coke, and this is, I don't do drugs anymore, but back in my heyday I may or may not have tried it, and you've got some awesome situation, maybe even a threesome.

00:59:59.000 A very awesome situation. 0.99

01:00:02.000 And everything's going great, and you look down, and your dick, not only is it flaccid, but it's not even connected to your body. 0.99

01:00:10.000 And it's just, it's like you're wearing a dead strap on. 0.99

01:00:12.000 Like a skin tag.

01:00:13.000 It's a skin tag.

01:00:15.000 And you're like, the rage you feel too is like, we have been buddies since I was born.

01:00:20.000 And right now at the most important part of our lives, you left? 1.00

01:00:25.000 You know, there's like a, we'll be back in two days sign on your dick. 0.99

01:00:30.000 And it's like a way on vacation in Puerto Vallarta. 1.00

01:00:34.000 And you just look at it going, I fucking hate you. 1.00

01:00:36.000 I want to strangle you. 1.00

01:00:38.000 And you choke its little neck. 1.00

01:00:41.000 And it just doesn't care.

01:00:42.000 And you can feel, too.

01:00:44.000 It's not like, say someone said, can you do 30 push-ups?

01:00:47.000 And you can usually do 25.

01:00:48.000 You go, maybe I could get...

01:00:50.000 To 25.

01:00:50.000 It's like someone with no arms being told to do push-ups.

01:00:53.000 Like there's no hope in hell that it's coming back.

01:00:57.000 So to call, and you feel so much rage too. 1.00

01:00:59.000 You want to fucking stab it. 1.00

01:01:00.000 Well, a little bit of pain goes a long way for that. 1.00

01:01:03.000 Cause it wakes up the senses a little bit.

01:01:05.000 Cause the thing is, it feels nothing.

01:01:07.000 It's just like a, so you would suggest grabbing a fork and just giving it a poke? 1.00

01:01:12.000 Grab a fucking spoon. 1.00

01:01:16.000 Hit your dick with a spoon. 1.00

01:01:17.000 Okay, that's Ryan's tip. 1.00

01:01:18.000 You gotta get the blow. 1.00

01:01:19.000 My buddy Dan, his tip was, if you ever get, he's a really high-pitched voice unfortunately, and he goes, if you ever get like that, you gotta smell her ass. 1.00

01:01:27.000 It's a poor man's Viagra. 1.00

01:01:31.000 All right.

01:01:31.000 Someone sent me an interesting thing.

01:01:33.000 There's a place called the Cinque Terre, which I guess means in French, the five earth.

01:01:40.000 It's on the coastline of Italy.

01:01:42.000 It has an almost mythic status among travelers.

01:01:45.000 And very recently they've decided to enforce a no flip-flops rule.

01:01:50.000 If you choose to ignore the advice, you could face fines between $56 and $2,000.

01:01:59.000 It's all because mountain rescue teams are becoming increasingly exasperated with rescuing ill-prepared visitors on the mountainous walkways.

01:02:06.000 Isn't that awesome news?

01:02:08.000 Now, I had said that there was a British dictator who would force people to eat their flip-flops.

01:02:16.000 And people have been saying, I did a lot of research and the only article I could find is by you saying it's EDM in.

01:02:22.000 So I might be wrong about that, but that's good news.

01:02:24.000 That's a great place to retire.

01:02:25.000 If you ever want to retire to a place where there's no men's toes, which by the way, in New York City, where there's feces, urine, syringes, crack vials, barf everywhere, the summer's full of men in their toes, men in their flip-flops, men wearing suits. 0.98

01:02:45.000 In advertising, you see men wearing suits, a blue suit with a pink shirt, and then fucking flip-flops. 0.97

01:02:53.000 I do have to make an argument for it. 0.97

01:02:55.000 Having your toes freely getting air and aerating themselves and not getting stuffed up in the shoe, I argue, is better if you could just avoid some puddles and feces.

01:03:07.000 So as long as you're cautious, way better.

01:03:08.000 Ryan is doing an imitation of a man named Bill Schultz, who you may remember from Red Eye.

01:03:13.000 He now has my old gig on Compound Media.

01:03:15.000 Mornin' is the show he does.

01:03:17.000 Mornin'.

01:03:18.000 He does wear flip-flops.

01:03:19.000 And he has bunions!

01:03:21.000 I didn't notice that, but... I thought you got bunions from wearing high-heeled shoes too much.

01:03:25.000 He has bunions.

01:03:27.000 Can you get him from thinking about it?

01:03:28.000 And I go, what are you doing, Bill?

01:03:29.000 Sometimes it's like when you wear cologne.

01:03:31.000 I just feel like turning around and going home.

01:03:33.000 And I go, what?

01:03:34.000 You just ruined our whole date.

01:03:35.000 And I'm like, I know.

01:03:39.000 I'm just wearing these. 0.99

01:03:40.000 Look, again, I suck. 0.99

01:03:42.000 I know these drive you insane, and I'm trying to make you mad. 1.00

01:03:45.000 Yeah, well, you made me mad.

01:03:46.000 Congratulations.

01:03:47.000 At least you're calling it cologne now instead of perfume.

01:03:49.000 I think we're getting somewhere here.

01:03:51.000 Ryan wears perfume.

01:03:53.000 Cologne.

01:03:54.000 It's Burberry London and it smells like, it's a fall fragrance, I have to start retiring it soon and go to my, something before my Acqua Di Gio, which is a summer.

01:04:02.000 Alright, I think we make the letter page too long.

01:04:05.000 The problem is I get like a hundred a minute.

01:04:07.000 Yeah.

01:04:08.000 But we'll cut it off pretty soon.

01:04:09.000 But this is a really interesting letter I got from a Marine.

01:04:12.000 And I always, I hate fandom. 0.99

01:04:15.000 God damn it. 0.99

01:04:16.000 I met this kid the other day. 1.00

01:04:17.000 Some friend of mine, my lawyer actually says, I have a, my friend's son is in town.

01:04:22.000 He'd love to meet you.

01:04:24.000 All right, fine. 1.00

01:04:25.000 I go there and he brings his aunt and she's being a cunt. 1.00

01:04:30.000 She works in HR and I can't help but say to these women, women don't belong in the workforce. 1.00

01:04:35.000 It's a fun thing to say to women because they just see red after that and they become totally irrational, which ends up proving my point. 1.00

01:04:42.000 And then at the end he wants an autograph. 0.86

01:04:45.000 So I just wrote, autographs are gay. 1.00

01:04:48.000 Fucking grow up. 1.00

01:04:50.000 He brought it on a beer coaster. 1.00

01:04:52.000 And he's taking selfies, and he FaceTimes his friend. 1.00

01:04:56.000 Anyway, it was an annoying pain in the ass. 0.98

01:04:57.000 But when anyone military contacts me, or cops, I'm very happy to talk. 0.99

01:05:03.000 Because this is someone who's willing to die for me, basically. 1.00

01:05:06.000 That's better than some kid who wants a fucking selfie. 0.99

01:05:09.000 And by the way, once again, what do you do with selfies? 0.99

01:05:13.000 You put them on your Facebook page?

01:05:15.000 Even Proud Boys, they're always taking pictures of themselves.

01:05:18.000 Why?

01:05:20.000 Well, you take pictures of your kids.

01:05:22.000 Yeah, because my kids have a different head every year.

01:05:27.000 After college, I spent seven years in the Marine Corps.

01:05:30.000 I was an infantry Marine, but the tail end of my time was spent on recruiting duty, which sucked.

01:05:35.000 What bothered me most about how we had to recruit was the amount of time and attention we had to spend on diversity recruiting.

01:05:42.000 We had to hit numbers for African-Americans, Hispanics, females, and others, which was basically anyone not a white male.

01:05:48.000 The thinking, as we were told, was that their goal was to match our force with the makeup of the American population so the Marines could identify with their leadership better.

01:05:58.000 I was recruiting for Marine officers.

01:06:01.000 I don't believe that.

01:06:02.000 I don't believe that black Marines would identify with a black sergeant more than a white sergeant, especially when it's so... the skill is so rare. 0.92

01:06:13.000 It's sort of like skateboarding.

01:06:15.000 It's such a rare skill to be able to skateboard that when you go to a skate park, there's like black kids, rich kids, poor kids, white kids, Asian kids, and everyone treats each other very well because

01:06:29.000 Only a tiny fraction of the population can go up a half pipe and ollie over a doohickey and do a rail slide and all that stuff.

01:06:37.000 My son used to be into skateboarding.

01:06:38.000 I'd take him to the skate park and it was amazing how much respect they treated him with. 0.99

01:06:42.000 He sucked, but they would, you know, go around him and they never went, what the fuck are kids doing here? 0.99

01:06:47.000 They would just... 1.00

01:06:49.000 And there was, you know, 30-year-olds and 5-year-olds.

01:06:52.000 Because it's such a rare skill that everything else is on the back burner.

01:06:56.000 That's the way comedy used to be, by the way.

01:06:58.000 It was such a rare skill that they didn't care what race or gender you were. 0.99

01:07:01.000 Just, oh, holy shit, she got up there and she was funny. 0.98

01:07:03.000 Doesn't matter if it's Richard Pryor or Roseanne Barr. 0.99

01:07:05.000 It was a rare skill.

01:07:07.000 And that's the way boxing is.

01:07:09.000 Race is not a thing.

01:07:11.000 To be able to get up there and get hammered, I don't mean drunk, but pounded, and be able to last for 12 rounds.

01:07:18.000 I've been reading about Jack Dempsey, 20 rounds at a time?

01:07:22.000 It's such an incredible skill.

01:07:24.000 No one goes, yeah, but he's part Puerto Rican and part Japanese.

01:07:29.000 So he's kind of smart, but also likes frogs.

01:07:35.000 That never happens.

01:07:37.000 And that's the way it should be with the Marines. 0.99

01:07:39.000 Holy shit, you made it this far? 1.00

01:07:41.000 I don't care that you have a mole on your neck. 1.00

01:07:45.000 Anyway, back to the letter.

01:07:54.000 So it was incredibly difficult to find people to hit these numbers.

01:07:57.000 But we had orders, so we made it happen.

01:07:59.000 What suffered was the quality.

01:08:03.000 Officers can't just sign up for service in the Marines.

01:08:05.000 They have to apply and be selected.

01:08:07.000 They have to meet certain standards and really compete with their peers for a chance to go training.

01:08:12.000 It would be totally common for a group of absolute stud white men to be told they would have to wait a year or more for a chance to join while we would bend over backward to get any black guy or girl with a pulse through the pipeline.

01:08:25.000 Barely hitting the physical fitness standards, poor grades and test scores, run-ins with the police, all shoved aside in the name of diversity. 1.00

01:08:32.000 White guys with the same issues? 0.59

01:08:34.000 Sorry bud, try the army or come back in a year. 1.00

01:08:37.000 While this is commonplace in the corporate world, which I now exist, I work for a big bank, and I expected this bullshit, it blew my mind that the military would give two shits about this stuff. 0.98

01:08:46.000 At its core, C-O-R-E, the Marine Corps, C-O-R-P, is a war-fighting organization. 0.99

01:08:52.000 We train to kill people, bottom line, and we depend on the people to our left and right to bring us back from hell alive and in one piece.

01:08:59.000 Yeah, exactly! 0.98

01:09:01.000 This is like the fire department, where they get some frail Asian chick, 1.00

01:09:05.000 Some fat guy is inhaling smoke. 0.98

01:09:08.000 You should all be Viking beasts. 1.00

01:09:12.000 That's it.

01:09:13.000 If you can't lift a 170 pound person on your back with ease, by the way, because you're inhaling smoke too, you may not be a fireman. 0.99

01:09:22.000 If that means it's 90% white guys and 10% black guys and zero woman, I don't give a shit. 1.00

01:09:29.000 I don't give a shit! 1.00

01:09:33.000 Why does everyone give a shit? 1.00

01:09:36.000 There's not enough Asian painters at this school. 1.00

01:09:41.000 Why are there no albino fishermen? 0.98

01:09:44.000 You know, I've got an idea where, um, you're searching for racism and stuff like that, and then you also have to fit in diversity quotas for that, so you're like, oh shit, I gotta look for some, uh, non-white racism, just to be diverse. 0.98

01:09:55.000 Oh, that happens! 0.99

01:09:55.000 Indian racism. 0.99

01:09:56.000 Dude, that happens! 0.97

01:09:57.000 The SPLC!

01:09:58.000 Really? 1.00

01:09:59.000 Yeah, they go, oh shit, we have way too many white racists, let's, let's include the black Israelites. 1.00

01:10:04.000 Holy shit, nice. 1.00

01:10:05.000 And get some of their, they don't include Islam for some reason, but they definitely include the Hebrew Israelites, who, by the way, are racist. 0.99

01:10:12.000 But, besides the ones you see in Brooklyn, screaming at people, you know, with their puka shells all over their forearms and stuff, they have in the south side of Chicago, they have entire Hebrew-Israelite communities that quietly dislike whites and stay away from white people because it's not their cup of tea. 0.82

01:10:31.000 That's none of my beeswax! 1.00

01:10:33.000 Why do I give a shit? 1.00

01:10:34.000 Why should anyone give a shit if a group of black people, now of course if you make them white it's the worst thing in the world, but the baby steps. 1.00

01:10:43.000 If a group of black people want to live segregated on their own accord and they're not hurting anyone, why is that a crime? 1.00

01:10:49.000 Because they have bad thoughts? 0.99

01:10:51.000 What kind of invasive dick weed are you where you care about someone's thoughts? 0.98

01:10:57.000 You weren't thinking about me when you beat off? 1.00

01:10:59.000 Fuck you. 1.00

01:11:00.000 That's actually a thing. 1.00

01:11:01.000 You have these trans people who say, if you care about whether someone is male or female, and you're anti-trans, and you don't watch trans porn, then you're a transphobe. 0.99

01:11:14.000 So basically, beat off to me, or you're a bigot. 0.99

01:11:18.000 Pretty high standards.

01:11:21.000 I wish I could say that to women. 1.00

01:11:23.000 Hey, what the fuck's the matter with you? 1.00

01:11:25.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:11:25.000 Why were you not diddling your bean to me? 1.00

01:11:27.000 I gave you an 8x10.

01:11:29.000 It was signed.

01:11:30.000 Why is that not on your wall?

01:11:32.000 Able speech. 0.99

01:11:33.000 What the fuck is your problem? 1.00

01:11:35.000 You have a problem with guys who look like hairless cats wearing a fake beard? 1.00

01:11:39.000 Fuck you. 1.00

01:11:41.000 Anyway, sorry. 1.00

01:11:41.000 I get a Scottish mailbag. 1.00

01:11:43.000 Uh, we're not done.

01:11:45.000 Oh.

01:11:45.000 We had green Marines and dark green Marines.

01:11:47.000 It just didn't matter.

01:11:48.000 We're not in a draft scenario like Vietnam, filling the ranks with criminals who never wanted to be there. 0.99

01:11:53.000 My Marines did not give a fuck what race I was, and I didn't care what race they were. 0.98

01:11:57.000 We did what we had to do and chose to be there. 0.98

01:12:00.000 We loved our jobs.

01:12:02.000 Internally, we bitched about this a lot amongst each other.

01:12:05.000 But of course, we were trained to do what we were ordered to do without question, so we did it.

01:12:09.000 This discontent included the black and female recruiters I worked with, too.

01:12:13.000 We all hated it. 0.99

01:12:15.000 But like you always say, top brass that fuck stuff up all the time. 1.00

01:12:20.000 That's not a sentence that's very clear, but I have always said, fuck the police's boss. 1.00

01:12:25.000 Uh-oh, I gotta take this call. 0.99

01:12:26.000 Hello?

01:12:31.000 Okay, I'm on my way.

01:12:35.000 I'll add that this wasn't always the case for recruiting. 0.98

01:12:37.000 The diversity bullshit started under Obama, go figure. 0.92

01:12:39.000 Same group who are forcing females into roles they're not physically able to perform in, but that's another email. 0.97

01:12:43.000 Anyway, love the show.

01:12:44.000 Love Ryan.

01:12:46.000 Give him a break.

01:12:46.000 Huh.

01:12:47.000 Thank you, sir.

01:12:48.000 Thank you for your service.

01:12:48.000 All right, I gotta go.

01:12:49.000 I got a meeting.

01:12:51.000 We've only...

01:12:53.000 We've only barely scratched the surface of the mail bag, which is a funny thing. 0.99

01:12:56.000 Yeah, screw them. 0.97

01:12:58.000 But Ryan, why don't you tell your Scottish? 0.98

01:13:01.000 Please don't do a Scottish accent.

01:13:03.000 Oh, I was gonna. 0.99

01:13:04.000 Okay, you do it and I'll tell you why it sucks. 0.98

01:13:06.000 He types it phonetically. 0.92

01:13:07.000 All right, Gavin, my name is Matt.

01:13:09.000 I'm from Glasgow and my pals listen to the podcast all the time.

01:13:14.000 What's your opinion on Tenant?

01:13:15.000 Surely the best beer gone is better than Shitey Budweiser.

01:13:21.000 All right.

01:13:22.000 Wait a sec.

01:13:38.000 But you're obligated to check what gender likes what beer. 1.00

01:13:45.000 And women don't like Budweiser, but women do like Tennants. 1.00

01:13:49.000 So you're drinking a woman's pint, which is the same as drinking cum, you fanny. 1.00

01:13:55.000 Fanny? 1.00

01:13:56.000 That means vagina. 1.00

01:13:58.000 Although I think that's English. 0.99

01:14:00.000 I do Irish very good.

01:14:02.000 Let's hear it.

01:14:03.000 Is this an Irish letter?

01:14:05.000 It's from an Irishman, yeah.

01:14:08.000 Dear Gavin, wait.

01:14:12.000 If you want to do Irish, just say to yourself in your head, top of the mornin'.

01:14:15.000 Top of the mornin'.

01:14:16.000 I like you more than a friend, but I can excuse Joe Rogan for mixing up Perrie Ellis and Fred Perry.

01:14:22.000 Pop culture isn't a strong point. 0.99

01:14:24.000 All right, shut up. 1.00

01:14:24.000 You're hurting my ears. 1.00

01:14:25.000 We'll read that next week.

01:14:26.000 Folks, it's over.

01:14:28.000 Go to nohate.com.

01:14:30.000 We've got a lot of stuff happening soon.

01:14:33.000 That I'm supposed to promote that I already forgot.

01:14:34.000 Oh, my Australian tour is looking good.

01:14:36.000 Milo got his visa approved pretty much 24 hours after Tucker brought it up on his show.

01:14:42.000 And I know for a fact Tucker's people were about to really hammer Australia.

01:14:48.000 So people get scared when their news reaches across the pond.

01:14:52.000 So that could still happen?

01:14:56.000 I think the odds are looking very good now.

01:14:59.000 I would say 6.7 out of 10.

01:15:02.000 Yeah!

01:15:03.000 And we'll record it and we can maybe make a Netflix special out of it.

01:15:09.000 Nice! 0.94

01:15:09.000 And I could be with Milo, Alex Jones, Tommy Robinson, who knows? 0.94

01:15:14.000 The band of rogues who would end up there.

01:15:16.000 Do you know how many views that would get?

01:15:18.000 It'd probably be the most poppin' thing ever.

01:15:20.000 It's weird, Alex Jones is massive in Australia.

01:15:24.000 But no one's heard of Owen Benjamin over there.

01:15:26.000 Or Paul Joseph Watson.

01:15:28.000 No idea who he is.

01:15:29.000 Even though he's British. 0.99

01:15:31.000 But they all know Alex Jones.

01:15:32.000 Anyway, I gotta go.

01:15:34.000 Bye.

01:15:34.000 Thanks for rockin'.

Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - March 12, 2019

Get Off My Lawn Podcast #120 | Ricky Gervais' new show is a masterpiece, but

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript