Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - January 05, 2018


Get Off My Lawn Podcast #15 | I've met a lot of celebrities over the years

Topics
Kimberly Guilfoyle at Fox News being well known Justin Theroux and his behavior Steve Coogan and Courtney Love encounters celebrity culture
Hosted by
Gavin McInnes
Mentioned
Justin Theroux Steve Coogan Senor Gavin Tommy Lee Scott Peterson Hot Curtis Mayfield Kimberly Guilfoyle Jennifer Aniston Courtney Love Dana Perino Howard Dean Crass Dirt Tropic Thunder Norman Borlaug Superfly Hillary Robert Downey Jr. Michelle Pfeiffer Rosie O'Donnell and 26 more
Get Off My Lawn #59 | $ue York City Get Off My Lawn #60 | Et Tu, Bannon?

Episode Stats


Length

58 minutes

Words per minute

174.11

Word count

10,229

Sentence count

950

Harmful content

Misogyny

40

sentences flagged

Toxicity

157

sentences flagged

Hate speech

44

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, host Alex Blumberg goes over some of her favorite stories of hanging out with famous people. She's joined by Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle and former Playboy Playmate Michelle Pfeiffer to talk about what it's like to hang out with a celebrity, and why it's a good idea to have them as guests on your show. Alex also talks about why she thinks women who have kids are more attractive than women who don't have kids and why she's not looking for a cow catcher chin. Also, Alex talks about Scott Peterson and his relationship with his ex-wife, Lacey Peterson, and how she thinks he would kill her if they were having an affair on Christmas Eve. And why she doesn't think he'd kill his wife if they had an affair with his new wife, Kristy. And why he doesn't want her to know that he's in a new relationship with another woman who might be a 6-year-old. And how he thinks she's hot, but he doesn t want to have sex with her because she's a 6 year old. And he also doesn't know that she has a baby with another man. And that she's married to another man who's a six-year old. And that's not even close to being a six year old, and he's not talking about that, but she's talking about it. . Alex also discusses why she finds women with kids attractive, and what it means to her. and why that's a bad thing. And she also makes her think Scott Peterson is hot, and she thinks she'd be a good thing, because he's a hot girl. If you want to know why she s hot, then listen to this episode of Alex's podcast, then you need to be in a relationship with Scott Peterson s wife. , not a good one, because she s a good girl and she s not a bad one, right? And she doesn t have a problem with her kids. I don t know what else to say about her, but it s a girl who looks like she s just like that, so why not? Thanks for listening, Alex! , Alex, I love you, y'all. I love ya, yay, yeee Thank you, bye, bye! Alex - Alex , bye. xoxo, Alex -

Transcript

Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 I met a lot of celebrities over the years.
00:00:03.000 I don't think that's a cool thing.
00:00:05.000 I don't think being famous is cool.
00:00:07.000 I think it's not an enviable lifestyle.
00:00:12.000 And I don't know them because I'm fabulous.
00:00:14.000 As I said in my book, Death of Cool, I know them the way a hairdresser knows celebrities.
00:00:20.000 We're in the industry.
00:00:21.000 I was in media.
00:00:22.000 My job was to sort of write about them.
00:00:25.000 Like TMZ.
00:00:27.000 So I would come across them.
00:00:28.000 And also, when you run a magazine, I think people in the arts, they want to be around you because they want to be documented.
00:00:37.000 One of the reasons Warhol is such a legend is we have so much footage of him.
00:00:42.000 We have so many pictures and quotes and documentation.
00:00:48.000 So that makes this canon more relevant.
00:00:53.000 I mean, if it didn't get documented, it doesn't happen.
00:00:57.000 And I noticed, too, a lot of people will document scenes who weren't there.
00:01:03.000 Some chick who wrote a book about the early aughts, and she clearly... Lizzie Grubman? 0.98
00:01:08.000 Was that her name?
00:01:08.000 No.
00:01:09.000 She wrote a book about strokes in the early 2000s, and I was in New York at that time.
00:01:14.000 I don't really remember her around.
00:01:18.000 When you read this documentation of this scene and these celebrities and this event, the odds are you're not hearing it from someone who was there.
00:01:26.000 In fact, the odds are the people who were there are dead.
00:01:30.000 If you want to know about the early aughts in New York City, talk to Dash Snow.
00:01:34.000 But you can't unless you have a séance.
00:01:38.000 So, this is just a Bubblegum episode where I'll just go over some stories of hanging out with famous people. 1.00
00:01:45.000 It's stupid. 0.99
00:01:46.000 It's not political. 1.00
00:01:48.000 It's not relevant.
00:01:49.000 But it's funny, and it's a fun thing to listen to.
00:01:53.000 So I'll start with one of my favorites, and those of you who have been listening to my show for a long time will have already heard all these stories.
00:02:00.000 So feel free to peace out at any given moment.
00:02:03.000 But I'll start with Kimberly Guilfoyle.
00:02:06.000 This is one of my favorite stories, and it's actually why I decided to do this episode on celebrity encounters, because I was walking down the street yesterday and I just started laughing remembering this story.
00:02:17.000 And there's few things that can do that.
00:02:20.000 There's very few things where you just look at it and you chuckle.
00:02:23.000 There's a reparations movement in Florida called the Uhuru Solidarity Movement.
00:02:29.000 That always makes the corners of my mouth turn up.
00:02:32.000 And when I see pictures of them on Instagram, it makes me smile.
00:02:35.000 That's always funny.
00:02:37.000 This is similar to that.
00:02:40.000 So, Kimberly Guilfoyle is a Fox News host.
00:02:44.000 I think she might be one of the most attractive women in the world. 0.99
00:02:47.000 Obviously there's prettier young girls, like there's a model I follow on Instagram called Gabriette, which might technically be the most beautiful woman in the world. 1.00
00:02:58.000 She's a French model, black hair. 0.99
00:03:00.000 But she doesn't have the culture. 1.00
00:03:02.000 She doesn't have the context.
00:03:04.000 And there's something about women who have kids. 1.00
00:03:07.000 It shows their parts work.
00:03:08.000 I find them more attractive.
00:03:10.000 So, amongst my scene, the new right and the old right, the right wing I guess I should call us, we all see Kimberly Guilfoyle as our Britney Spears.
00:03:19.000 I mean, she's a goddess.
00:03:20.000 I think one guy was saying, she's the kind of hot where you would murder your family on Christmas Eve just to go out to dinner with her. 1.00
00:03:30.000 I call her Scott Peterson Hot, because you would kill your wife for her. 1.00
00:03:34.000 But I might have to abandon that trope, that colloquialism, because someone pointed out to me, the woman that Scott Peterson was having an affair with is like a six. 0.66
00:03:43.000 So it implies the woman is a six. 1.00
00:03:45.000 I wasn't thinking of her when I came up with Scott Peterson Hot. 0.99
00:03:49.000 She makes you want to decapitate your wife and put her in Tupperware. 1.00
00:03:52.000 That's how hot she is. 1.00
00:03:56.000 By the way, Scott, what were you thinking?
00:03:58.000 First of all, there's a thing called divorce. 0.96
00:04:00.000 Secondly, you're married to one of the cutest, bubbliest, happiest.
00:04:05.000 She's got that perfect little cute Disney face. 1.00
00:04:09.000 I don't like handsome.
00:04:09.000 I don't like Michelle Pfeiffer.
00:04:11.000 I'm not looking for a cow catcher chin.
00:04:13.000 Although Kimberly Guilfoyle does have that, but she also has the cute thing. 1.00
00:04:16.000 We like, us 70s kids, we grew up with Barbie Benton, which was Hugh Hefner's girlfriend at Playboy.
00:04:22.000 We like little button noses.
00:04:24.000 We like them to look like Bambi. 0.93
00:04:26.000 We go for cute over beautiful every time and that's what Lacey Peterson had in spades That'll be a good thing if you're a slave slave dealer your motto for your slave company is we have spades in spades Sorry racist joke Yeah, he killed her on Christmas Eve while she was pregnant with his child 1.00
00:04:52.000 I have a theory about Scott Peterson. 1.00
00:04:54.000 I think he's down syndrome level dumb. 0.98
00:04:59.000 He's a handsome guy, so he did good in sales, but there's certain levels of sales where all you have to do is show up and say, hi, we sell manure, okay, let's go out for lunch. 0.99
00:05:09.000 I think he may have been retarded, and he just went, me like girl, girl not like me. 1.00
00:05:15.000 Me have wife, make wife go away. 1.00
00:05:20.000 He gets love letters in prison, by the way.
00:05:22.000 Anyway, so Kimberly Guilfoyle has got Peterson hot, and I think she's dating Scaramucci now.
00:05:29.000 My Nights at Columbus meetings, there's some guys there who have seen them, you know, blue-collar dudes who are writing security and stuff, see them apartment shopping.
00:05:41.000 They're looking for an apartment overlooking Times Square.
00:05:43.000 That's already out of the bag, right?
00:05:45.000 Yeah.
00:05:46.000 What is he, five feet tall? 1.00
00:05:48.000 Lucky bastard, those tits are right in his face! 1.00
00:05:51.000 Holy talil. 1.00
00:05:52.000 If I was having sex with Kimberly Guilfoyle, I would last nanoseconds. 0.98
00:05:57.000 I would probably, I'd probably blow it walking up the stairs and then she'd get there in the bedroom and say, alright, should we get started? 0.98
00:06:04.000 Yeah.
00:06:08.000 How about in about 10-15 minutes?
00:06:10.000 I've got some cleaning up to do. 0.90
00:06:15.000 Every time I see Gavin, what's his name, the former mayor of San Francisco, I just think, way to go, dummy.
00:06:22.000 She was married to the mayor of San Francisco.
00:06:24.000 It must be the father of her kid.
00:06:26.000 And he blew it.
00:06:26.000 How did you blow it?
00:06:29.000 Anyway, this is a lot of tangents to get to this story.
00:06:32.000 So Kimberly Guilfoyle, in my community, which is everyone right at center, is a goddess.
00:06:37.000 I mean, she's just not the butt of a million jokes, but we are the butt of a million jokes about her, all the things we would do to be able to just smell one of her shoes.
00:06:46.000 I mean, she's just a goddess.
00:06:48.000 And at Fox News, she also has that status, probably because, you know, everyone likes looking at her. 0.53
00:06:53.000 So she's valuable to the company.
00:06:56.000 She's valuable to the broadcaster.
00:06:57.000 And she's cool and funny and nice, so everyone adores Kimberly Guilfoyle to the point of a goddess.
00:07:05.000 And it's the kind of thing where, like, say you walk into the makeup room and they're doing Dana Perino.
00:07:10.000 Dana Perino's beautiful and wonderful, don't get me wrong.
00:07:13.000 But when you walk in and you see Dana and she's getting makeup on, you go, hey, what's going on?
00:07:16.000 Oh yeah?
00:07:16.000 How's your dog?
00:07:17.000 How's Jasper?
00:07:19.000 Everything's cool.
00:07:20.000 But if you walk into the makeup room and Kimberly Guilfoyle's getting her makeup, you sort of go, oh, Jesus Christ.
00:07:24.000 And you walk out again.
00:07:25.000 She's the Mariah Carey of Fox News.
00:07:28.000 And so I saw her in the makeup room, and she's got her dress there. 0.99
00:07:32.000 And I go, oh, Jesus.
00:07:33.000 And I leave.
00:07:34.000 And I'm an alcoholic.
00:07:36.000 So for me, the mornings till around noon, I'm always nauseous, hungover.
00:07:44.000 And that involves explosive diarrhea, unfortunately.
00:07:47.000 So, I'm wandering around Fox News in a daze, hoping I can get it together to appear on a show I'm about to be on.
00:07:54.000 I think it was Kennedy.
00:07:55.000 And I go, I gotta hit the loo again.
00:07:58.000 So, the only bathroom available near the Green Room is the Handicap Bathroom.
00:08:04.000 Now, there's something about Handicap Bathrooms where you feel like you can trust the lock more.
00:08:08.000 I mean, no one wants to see someone with those weird Kermit the Frog legs on the bowl. 0.99
00:08:13.000 So I feel like the tradesmen in the handicapped bathroom industry make the deadbolt extra strong. 1.00
00:08:19.000 Just to get these poor bastards can't walk, or they have cerebral palsy, or spina bifida, or whatever. 0.99
00:08:25.000 Let's make them have some private time. 0.99
00:08:28.000 So you sort of feel pretty good when you go ka-chunk with the deadbolt in a handicapped bathroom. 1.00
00:08:34.000 So I get down there, drop my pants, and just explode.
00:08:38.000 And it's one of those ones where it's just salad.
00:08:41.000 I mean, it's just salad that smells bad.
00:08:44.000 There's no real matter there because it's the 32nd of the morning, right?
00:08:49.000 So it just looks like a rabbit barfed in the toilet.
00:08:54.000 But there's also some post-business where you feel like you've prolapsed.
00:09:00.000 And simply wiping it isn't going to do it.
00:09:03.000 So I go, oh God, I'm almost going to faint.
00:09:06.000 And I get up from the bowl.
00:09:08.000 And this is after maybe five minutes of explosions.
00:09:11.000 It sounds like Dunkirk.
00:09:12.000 I go, all right, I got to go.
00:09:14.000 I got to go with, like, with paper towels over to the sink.
00:09:18.000 The sink is a good 10 feet away.
00:09:22.000 It's a very, it's a very luxurious handicap bathroom.
00:09:27.000 It's for Liberace after he got AIDS.
00:09:29.000 And so I go, all right, I guess I'll shuffle over there with my pants at my ankles, my suit pants, and what I'll do is I'll get a paper towel with freezing cold water and then tamp it.
00:09:41.000 That'll help.
00:09:42.000 And of course I leave the rabbit barf there. 0.98
00:09:45.000 And I think I said as a joke in my head, if God really hates me right now, if God's not a fan of the G, or if he's just a dick, he'll make Kimberly come storming in. 0.98
00:09:59.000 And she does. 0.97
00:10:01.000 The deadbolt didn't work.
00:10:04.000 You'd think you'd get that fixed right away, or at least put a notice up.
00:10:08.000 You will be surprised.
00:10:11.000 And there's no changing room, I guess, in this particular green room.
00:10:14.000 So she was coming into the handicap bathroom to change into her beautiful gown that framed her perfect breasts and revealed just enough of her 0.98
00:10:23.000 Unbelievable legs!
00:10:25.000 She has the legs of the reporter in Cracked Magazine when it was, remember that comic book in the 80s? 1.00
00:10:32.000 She was like an intrepid reporter who dressed like she was at the Academy Awards. 0.98
00:10:36.000 I forget her name.
00:10:39.000 She's just stunning from top to bottom. 0.80
00:10:42.000 I bet her baby toe is sculpted.
00:10:44.000 So, she comes storming in with her dress 1.00
00:10:48.000 And now we have a mental vocabulary.
00:10:51.000 We have a visual vocabulary for walking in on people in the bathroom.
00:10:56.000 You see someone on the ball and you're facing them and they're sort of just a little bit below your eyes and you go, whoopsie, and you close it and you see like a nanosecond because your brain goes, get out of there.
00:11:05.000 Get out.
00:11:07.000 But when you walk in and no one's there, you keep walking.
00:11:12.000 So she gets hit with the barf smell right away.
00:11:14.000 And it's not a normal bathroom smell.
00:11:16.000 This is hungover problems.
00:11:18.000 So you're getting bile and all kinds of different scents.
00:11:21.000 So that's one shock.
00:11:23.000 Then she sees this lettuce sitting there and all variety of vegetables.
00:11:29.000 That's another... Oh my God!
00:11:31.000 So her eyes are assaulted.
00:11:33.000 Then she swivels, and she's deep in the bathroom now, because she was in a rush, so she came in about four paces. 0.99
00:11:39.000 And she swivels, and there I am, just going, oh, with my penis hanging out. 1.00
00:11:46.000 And I've got the paper towel in my hand. 0.99
00:11:49.000 My pants are at my ankles.
00:11:50.000 Finally, her brain probably went, oh, I know what this is.
00:11:53.000 Sorry, Kim. 1.00
00:11:54.000 This is a decrepit drunk trying to repair his broken bowels. 0.98
00:12:00.000 So she sees, probably it's, what do I mean probably? 0.97
00:12:06.000 It's definitely,
00:12:08.000 The grossest thing she's ever seen.
00:12:11.000 I mean, I'm not talking... She doesn't go on LiveLeak and watch beheadings. 0.99
00:12:14.000 So as far as her life experience, this is probably the least beautiful thing her eyes have ever beheld.
00:12:21.000 And she's a classy broad. 0.71
00:12:23.000 So she just goes...
00:12:27.000 Makes a sound like that, like some sort of a fog, siren warning that maybe happens at a dock.
00:12:33.000 Maybe, I would imagine it sounded like Pearl Harbor.
00:12:36.000 After the first bomb, they set off this thing that just goes, ahhhh!
00:12:41.000 And she goes running out of the green room, running out of the entire building.
00:12:46.000 Fox is in two buildings.
00:12:48.000 I think she ran out of that entire building, into the other room.
00:12:51.000 And the sound guys are there looking at me, just laughing their heads off.
00:12:58.000 I mean, I'm married, so we were never gonna be together, Kim and I. Not that if I was single I'd have a snowball's chance in hell.
00:13:05.000 So, I don't feel bad in that sense, because, what, I lost her as a potential lay? 0.77
00:13:11.000 So, I just had to shrug and go, that was hilarious.
00:13:16.000 And I never really, she never really looked me in the eyes again.
00:13:19.000 I had sullied my glamorous reputation by exploding in the green room.
00:13:28.000 Oh, gosh.
00:13:30.000 And I think, you know, I remember a friend, Chris Lombardi, said to me, he's the guy who started Matador Records, he said, I know you sometimes, he wasn't talking about me, he was saying in general, you feel bad about things that happen to you, but if no one got hurt, then it's just funny.
00:13:42.000 I'm going to have a swig of coffee here.
00:13:46.000 Out of my, get off my lawn, laser engraved mug with my face on it and the logo of the show.
00:13:54.000 You can get this at CRTV if you sign up for a year.
00:14:03.000 Here's my other famous one.
00:14:05.000 I'm going to go in order of famousness, I think.
00:14:08.000 And it's funny, because after doing this, excuse me, after doing this since the early 90s, I have, every time I read the paper, I go, oh, I remember bumping into that person.
00:14:19.000 Oh, I met that person.
00:14:21.000 And again, celebrity's not cool.
00:14:23.000 In fact, in the past six months, I've become unmanageably famous with millennial men. 1.00
00:14:31.000 And when I walk down the street, they stop and they gasp, or they'll yell, holy shit! 0.97
00:14:37.000 And now I just sort of point to them like a gunpoint, like boop, and keep walking, because inevitably it's a selfie where they can't work their phone, but it really is annoying. 0.98
00:14:47.000 And I guess I learned this at a young age.
00:14:48.000 I was in a band when I was 18.
00:14:51.000 So I was a celebrity in our tiny, tiny little suburban Ottawa punk scene. 0.98
00:14:58.000 And, uh, it's not like people come up to you and say, hey man, uh, in that Anal Chinook song, Pubic Lice, I noticed you say, uh, don't know where I got him, don't know how, uh, look down at my dick, look down and pow. 0.82
00:15:12.000 Uh, why'd you say look down twice?
00:15:14.000 It's never like they're into your craft.
00:15:17.000 Not that Eno Chinook, Chinook being an Inuit word for warm wind, not that Eno Chinook was a very in-depth band.
00:15:24.000 But it's always like, hi, hey, how long have you been in the scene?
00:15:28.000 Oh, what's war and peace like?
00:15:30.000 That's the singer of Grave Concern.
00:15:33.000 Not even questions that good.
00:15:36.000 So I learned quickly that being well known is just really a lot of tedious conversations with shy strangers.
00:15:43.000 That's all it is.
00:15:44.000 At best.
00:15:46.000 Now that we have selfies, there's a whole other layer of boring added to the thing.
00:15:51.000 So I've never been impressed with celebrity.
00:15:53.000 And to this day, now that I have kids, I'm much more impressed by kids.
00:15:58.000 If you have four kids, I'm jealous of you.
00:16:00.000 If you have, sometimes you meet someone with six or something and you just go, you're a billionaire.
00:16:06.000 Then you meet a billionaire and you go, you're lonely.
00:16:09.000 You got divorced and you have a giant home theater with no one in it.
00:16:15.000 I'm not talking about Anthony Cumia, by the way.
00:16:18.000 He's always got parties at his house.
00:16:20.000 That guy's definitely not lonely.
00:16:25.000 I know a few people with home theaters and there's never anyone in them.
00:16:30.000 Sort of like a truck.
00:16:32.000 There's never anything in a truck.
00:16:34.000 It seems to be used to help people move, or occasionally someone buys lumber, but 99.9% of the time you see a truck, there's nothing in it.
00:16:43.000 Just kind of a waste of space.
00:16:45.000 You're just carting around a big rectangle of air.
00:16:50.000 I know that sounds anti-blue collar, but... Anyway!
00:16:55.000 Another famous person I knew, I guess, is Jennifer Aniston, and that's through Justin Theroux, her husband.
00:17:01.000 I know him through funniness.
00:17:04.000 He was really into do's and don'ts when I wrote them for Vice, and we met while he was working on Zoolander 2, I believe.
00:17:12.000 He wrote Tropic Thunder.
00:17:15.000 One of the funniest movies ever.
00:17:16.000 I mean, he invented the whole term never go full retard, which, by the way, got him in trouble with the Special Olympics.
00:17:23.000 And this story, by the way, sums up everything that is wrong with the politically correct left.
00:17:29.000 So in the movie, what's his name?
00:17:32.000 Robert Downey Jr. 0.80
00:17:33.000 is in blackface and he says, you never go full retard. 0.90
00:17:37.000 And clearly that is Justin mocking
00:17:42.000 Actors and how they go for cheap Oscars by pretending to be retarded and he's talking about Sean Penn Who was a retard in that movie or Rosie O'Donnell was a retard in a movie and it's just a really cheap trick that they play that works and I think what's-his-name Ben Stiller's character overdoes it in the movie and 0.99
00:18:05.000 So that's kind of a pro-retard thing. 1.00
00:18:07.000 It's saying, don't exploit these people.
00:18:09.000 But the retards over at the Special Olympics decided, no, that's insulting me. 1.00
00:18:15.000 I think it was obviously the people who run the Special Olympics are not retarded, but their kids usually are. 1.00
00:18:19.000 And so they go, they start these protests.
00:18:23.000 And so you're putting a sign in the hand of someone with Down Syndrome going, yeah, that movie's making fun of you.
00:18:29.000 Now they have fabricated a really crass insult. 0.85
00:18:33.000 And by the way, no one calls retards, retards. 0.94
00:18:36.000 When you say something's retarded, you would never call someone with Down Syndrome that. 0.99
00:18:40.000 The idea that you'd go up to someone with Down Syndrome and say, hey, retard. 0.99
00:18:44.000 I mean, you'd have to be, I'm going to say six. 0.72
00:18:48.000 Definitely not seven.
00:18:49.000 A seven year old wouldn't do that.
00:18:52.000 So it's a strange accusation to make.
00:18:54.000 Oh, yeah, you probably go up to people who have spaghetti legs in wheelchairs and say, nice legs.
00:18:59.000 There's no muscle tissue there.
00:19:01.000 Ha ha.
00:19:02.000 We don't do that.
00:19:03.000 Humans don't do that.
00:19:04.000 It's a strange accusation.
00:19:05.000 I kind of feel the same way about racism. 0.99
00:19:07.000 Oh, you refuse black people who are totally qualified to be accountants that'll make your company tons of money because you're racist. 0.95
00:19:14.000 Why would anyone do that? 0.99
00:19:14.000 What? 0.99
00:19:16.000 That doesn't happen.
00:19:17.000 Anyway. 0.99
00:19:19.000 So you put this sign in this handy, mentally special needs kid, I believe is the term, and you say, this movie's calling you a retard. 0.98
00:19:26.000 Now, these poor kids are marching going, someone's calling me a retard. 0.97
00:19:32.000 That's so mean.
00:19:33.000 Thanks a lot, Justin Theroux.
00:19:35.000 I mean, you invented an insult.
00:19:38.000 A brutal insult, by the way. 0.97
00:19:39.000 And now you've told this kid that people call him retard all the time. 0.82
00:19:43.000 Hollywood movies that people thoroughly enjoy and clap and get popcorn to and sit there and watch and eat popcorn and laugh at you. 0.98
00:19:53.000 That's horrible. 1.00
00:19:54.000 Now you're the fucking bad guy. 0.99
00:19:57.000 So they had to do that, and they had to do a special screening for the Special Olympics, and the guy who ran the Special Olympics, who started this whole thing, he got a raise, and he was promoted to top of the Special Olympics. 1.00
00:20:08.000 Just disgusting behavior, really.
00:20:10.000 And the irony is that he was exploiting these retards for his own personal gain. 1.00
00:20:15.000 He was going full retard. 1.00
00:20:20.000 So, and isn't it funny too, like Justin Theroux, I think he's a vegan or something and he's really into dog rights and very politically correct guy.
00:20:29.000 He has even raked over the coals.
00:20:32.000 So, I'm hard pressed to think of anyone I know, famous or not, who hasn't had some sort of controversy.
00:20:39.000 Like my buddy Trace was running the Twitter account for his buddy's bar, The Long Branch Inn, and Mexico was playing, I don't know, Spain or something in the World Cup, so obviously the Americans are going to vote for, are going to be backing the Mexicans.
00:20:53.000 Especially if it's somewhere weird like Norway or Africa, you're going to go for Mexicans, they're right there. 1.00
00:20:59.000 So he tweets out, we're all wetbacks now! 1.00
00:21:03.000 He gets in a huge pile of shit. 1.00
00:21:04.000 The restaurant, they're talking about boycotting their restaurant. 1.00
00:21:07.000 Meanwhile, he was saying, I'm on the Mexican side.
00:21:11.000 You can almost throw a dartboard at your address book.
00:21:13.000 Call that person and say, have you ever been in big trouble for some sort of politically incorrect faux pas?
00:21:18.000 And they go, yeah, yeah.
00:21:19.000 I got a sexual harassment thing at work, and I wasn't even there that day. 1.00
00:21:26.000 Like my dad, who got a sexual harassment joke for saying, women like bald men because it looks like a penis. 0.98
00:21:32.000 The woman he said that to laughed. 0.99
00:21:34.000 Someone else who overheard it filed a complaint on her behalf.
00:21:39.000 And she wasn't remotely annoyed by it.
00:21:41.000 Because they're friends.
00:21:42.000 Anyway.
00:21:44.000 So I would go out to LA and I would stay at their giant palatial mansion.
00:21:49.000 One thing I really appreciate about their home, which you can find online, is it doesn't have the Spanish theme.
00:21:55.000 I don't like that look.
00:21:56.000 You know those terracotta pot roofs and those big archways everywhere with columns?
00:22:01.000 What are we, 1950s Spanish movie stars?
00:22:05.000 I don't like Spain.
00:22:06.000 Why are you so into Spain in LA?
00:22:08.000 I guess because it doesn't rain there? 1.00
00:22:09.000 It looks stupid. 1.00
00:22:11.000 You look like Pablo Escobar wannabe. 1.00
00:22:14.000 We're good to go.
00:22:29.000 So I'd go down there.
00:22:30.000 Now, the problem with L.A.
00:22:32.000 friends, when you're from New York and you have kids, is you're used to getting up at 7 a.m.
00:22:36.000 7 a.m.
00:22:37.000 is 4 a.m.
00:22:38.000 in L.A.
00:22:39.000 So it's an untenable friendship.
00:22:41.000 Because you go down there and you're too far to whack.
00:22:43.000 Especially people without kids, like the Annistons, they probably sleep into normal kidless times, like 11. 0.98
00:22:51.000 11 is 2 p.m.
00:22:55.000 To me.
00:22:56.000 My day's already half down the toilet.
00:22:58.000 So how do we hang out?
00:23:00.000 So I'd get there at night and it'd be time to party and stuff.
00:23:03.000 And there's always, they've got a little bar there with plenty of bourbon.
00:23:08.000 I'm exhausted.
00:23:08.000 I was just on a plane.
00:23:10.000 I got to stay up till, say, midnight.
00:23:11.000 That's three in the morning.
00:23:12.000 Three in the morning to a guy with kids is way too late.
00:23:15.000 So I'd get super hammered.
00:23:16.000 Because when you're an alcoholic, booze is like coffee.
00:23:20.000 And we'd hang out and have fun and she's a very cool person and very nice.
00:23:25.000 And Justin and I just wanted to argue about punk rock and hardcore.
00:23:30.000 He grew up punk rock so we have all that to talk about and joke about and I think she may have felt a little left out sometimes when we say, when we argue about whether the Misfits were hardcore or punk.
00:23:43.000 And so I'm staying there one night and I'm hammered, believe it or not.
00:23:49.000 Everyone goes to bed.
00:23:50.000 And so I had a pitch meeting with Cartoon Network the next day and I was half an hour late for it.
00:23:57.000 That's how hammered I was.
00:23:59.000 Which, you know, that means you woke up like six hours late because of the time problem.
00:24:04.000 Three hours late, sorry.
00:24:06.000 Anyway.
00:24:07.000 So they have a guest room downstairs and I get into it and obviously a gazillionaire's bed is going to be the most insane bed on earth.
00:24:17.000 So it's a little standalone apartment, this guest room.
00:24:19.000 It's got a washer dryer, it's got a bathroom in it, a little office and looks out onto the backyard.
00:24:28.000 So I go down there and I step into bed. 0.99
00:24:32.000 It was like stepping into Kimberly Guilfoyle's vagina. 1.00
00:24:36.000 It was the softest bed I've ever touched with my toes. 0.93
00:24:40.000 There was like the normal mattress and then there was this weird sort of a mattress lining that I've never experienced that was full of angel tears and the feathers of babies.
00:24:53.000 So you step in that and you go, oh my word.
00:24:57.000 And I like to sleep nude.
00:24:58.000 I'm like a slithery little snake in the bedroom.
00:25:02.000 So I just slither into this soft beauty.
00:25:06.000 And it added an extra layer to the pass out.
00:25:09.000 So obviously, I wake up the next morning and I've wet the bed.
00:25:14.000 That's not good.
00:25:15.000 Like, I valued my friendship, which is over by the way, I valued my friendship with Justin a lot, but it was great for my marriage.
00:25:21.000 Because my wife would go, well he's a pariah, everyone hates him, but he's friends with Jennifer Aniston, so there must be some value to him.
00:25:29.000 He can't be all bad.
00:25:30.000 So it was good currency for my marriage.
00:25:33.000 Sort of saved me.
00:25:36.000 My wife would just go, I guess I just don't get him.
00:25:39.000 And if Jennifer likes him, I guess I do too.
00:25:42.000 My wife's very devoted, as you can see.
00:25:45.000 So I go, I got to fix this.
00:25:47.000 Now the good news is it's like 5am LA time.
00:25:52.000 So I've got a good six hours to rectify this problem.
00:25:56.000 And I figure I can wash and dry a sheet.
00:26:00.000 In that time. 0.98
00:26:00.000 Now, this thing was that vagina thing I was talking about. 0.98
00:26:03.000 So it's more like a maxi pad than a sheet. 0.98
00:26:06.000 So that's going to be a problem.
00:26:08.000 And now I know they have a pool and I think, why don't I just put on all the piss sheets and then jump in the pool and then get out of the pool and hang them on a fence.
00:26:19.000 And even if it takes like three hours of sun, that's gotta be enough to dry it now.
00:26:27.000 So first I take the first pea sheet.
00:26:29.000 And again, this is drunk pea.
00:26:31.000 So it's not like it's dark orange.
00:26:33.000 It's just really very little pea is in it.
00:26:37.000 It's mostly just water.
00:26:39.000 So I take that out and there's a fountain right outside my guest bedroom sliding door thing.
00:26:47.000 And it's a sphere.
00:26:48.000 It's like an apple.
00:26:50.000 That's just constantly overflowing with water.
00:26:52.000 And then the water goes back to the bottom, and beautiful.
00:26:55.000 It's like a glowing, flowing, spherical fountain.
00:26:59.000 With a little, you know, chopped off the top so that water can be in there.
00:27:03.000 So I think, oh, I don't have to go all the way to the pool.
00:27:05.000 So I put the sheet in, and I get it nice and wet, and then I run over to the fence, foomp, put it over the fence.
00:27:05.000 I'll just do this.
00:27:11.000 I can feel the sun beating down on it.
00:27:13.000 I'm feeling pretty good.
00:27:14.000 Pretty, pretty, pretty good about this one.
00:27:17.000 Now, the next problem is the maxi pad.
00:27:20.000 So I get this big, giant mattress liner.
00:27:23.000 I get that off.
00:27:24.000 It's pretty heavy, even with just a little bit of pee on it.
00:27:29.000 It's not the pee.
00:27:30.000 The actual thing itself is heavy.
00:27:31.000 I guess it's down.
00:27:33.000 And I go over to the fountain, and I put it in, and all hell breaks loose.
00:27:39.000 The fountain just goes... Oh, sorry.
00:27:42.000 The liner goes... and sucks up about 300 liters of water.
00:27:48.000 Infinite water.
00:27:50.000 I've never seen anything like it.
00:27:51.000 It was honestly like I dipped a tampon in my beer.
00:27:53.000 It just inflated.
00:27:56.000 And the fountain had infinite water supply.
00:27:59.000 So don't worry about the fountain.
00:28:01.000 Worry about this liner that I just made weigh.
00:28:05.000 I'm not going to exaggerate.
00:28:09.000 Okay.
00:28:09.000 120 pounds.
00:28:11.000 It weighed 120 pounds.
00:28:13.000 So I can technically lift that much.
00:28:16.000 If it was a person that was nice and compact, held together with skin and bones and you could put them over your shoulder, this is an amorphous blanket thingamajiggy.
00:28:25.000 So I get it in the water and I go, what the hell am I gonna do now?
00:28:30.000 I don't know.
00:28:53.000 And then I finally get the whole thing over my shoulder, but I'm not big enough.
00:28:57.000 It's long.
00:28:58.000 It's like seven feet long.
00:29:00.000 I go, and as the last part comes out of the fountain, it just goes slap on the ground on the grass.
00:29:09.000 And then I can't, I don't have enough length on my arms to get the whole thing off the ground.
00:29:13.000 So I'm dragging it on the ground and it's getting, it's ripping the grass out of the ground, revealing the mud.
00:29:19.000 So I'm scraping green and brown mud on this, I don't know, $10,000 mattress liner.
00:29:27.000 And I can't get it up over the fence is the other problem.
00:29:31.000 So I have to walk down more dragging, getting it dirty. 0.99
00:29:33.000 I mean, this is stupid now at this point. 0.81
00:29:36.000 I mean, you can't put a brown and green mattress liner back, no matter how dry it gets. 0.98
00:29:41.000 And even if I snuck it back, they're gonna go, hey Gavin, that bed you slept in is green now. 0.99
00:29:47.000 What the fuck did you do? 1.00
00:29:49.000 Is that bile? 1.00
00:29:50.000 No, it's grass.
00:29:52.000 It's grass?
00:29:54.000 So I find sort of a four foot high chain link fence that's sort of within the grounds.
00:30:01.000 And I plop it over that, and some of it's still on the ground. 0.99
00:30:03.000 It's pathetic! 0.89
00:30:06.000 And I let that dry and I think, well, I won't be invited back here and with good reason. 0.98
00:30:12.000 But luckily, I don't even think they've been to the guest bedroom.
00:30:16.000 It's in another wing.
00:30:17.000 Well, not another wing.
00:30:19.000 It's in the basement.
00:30:21.000 And when the help arrives, like around 11, they just handle it.
00:30:28.000 And they don't care.
00:30:29.000 It's not like some Mexican is going to come up to me and say, excuse me, Senor Gavin, did you pee-pee your bed last night? 0.66
00:30:35.000 What's happening here? 0.81
00:30:36.000 You know, that is very, very bad.
00:30:38.000 This is going to have to be sent away to be dry cleaned.
00:30:41.000 They don't care.
00:30:42.000 There could be a cadaver in the bed and they would just wrap it up in a carpet and take care of it.
00:30:49.000 So, all that panic was for naught.
00:30:53.000 But that was a typical, that, that, that ghost time from when I wake up to when they wake up sometimes would be like four or five hours.
00:31:03.000 And so I just be walking around the house like a ghost.
00:31:07.000 Look at some coffee table books.
00:31:09.000 I go through their kitchen, which is obviously beautifully organized by the staff.
00:31:13.000 And there'd be like vegan pizza there.
00:31:15.000 Try some of that.
00:31:16.000 Try to figure out the weird, you know, fancy coffee machine.
00:31:21.000 That will take like an hour.
00:31:22.000 Watch a movie?
00:31:23.000 Watch a whole movie?
00:31:25.000 Go for a swim?
00:31:26.000 I would go for a swim alone at like 8 a.m.
00:31:30.000 just swimming.
00:31:33.000 Nude?
00:31:34.000 I was nude?
00:31:35.000 So the security, which is 24 hours a day, must have been watching me on the camera going, who is this?
00:31:40.000 I think there is really, who is this nude man?
00:31:43.000 There is a naked intruder on the property. 0.98
00:31:48.000 Luckily, the pool was heated, so when they saw my genitalia, it looked reasonable. 1.00
00:31:55.000 But yeah, I think Justin dumped me because we had a lot of falls. 0.92
00:32:01.000 I'm not a fun guy to be friends with.
00:32:04.000 And one time I published a picture on Instagram of a bachelor party he and I were at, and that really pissed him off.
00:32:09.000 That was strike one.
00:32:10.000 There was a couple of strikes, but I think what did it for him was pretty innocuous.
00:32:18.000 On my old blog, Street Carnage, I put a picture of him and Angelina Jolie and they're both wearing Crass shirts.
00:32:25.000 And it said, uh, did, did Angelina pick the wrong one or something like that?
00:32:31.000 I just thought it was funny.
00:32:32.000 I would sort of tease him like that all the time.
00:32:34.000 Like he's into Crass, the punk band.
00:32:36.000 So I cut out a picture of him in a celebrity magazine and I magneted it.
00:32:41.000 I put a magnet on it and put it on the fridge at Crass's house in Britain, in Dial House.
00:32:47.000 And just to bother him.
00:32:48.000 So I thought it was fun, ribald teasing.
00:32:51.000 But I never heard from him after that.
00:32:53.000 Stopped returning my calls.
00:32:54.000 That hurt.
00:32:55.000 But again, when you're a ghost at someone's house for five hours, it's not the hugest loss in the world.
00:33:02.000 Although, I gotta say, Justin Theroux, one of the funniest guys in the world, and he did a pilot, I think it's called Documental, he wrote it.
00:33:10.000 It was based on, if you check Tropic Thunder, check the extras, and they have that Steve Coogan character, the director.
00:33:18.000 Justin Theroux plays a German who worships Steve Coogan, who's one of the worst directors in the world, I mean the character. 0.99
00:33:24.000 But this film student in Germany doesn't agree, and he thinks Steve Coogan's a genius.
00:33:28.000 So he follows around, does a documentary about him, and Steve Coogan obviously is gobbling up all the attention.
00:33:33.000 It is brilliant.
00:33:34.000 And the written pilot that was for HBO was fantastic.
00:33:40.000 I heard that that pilot got screwed up because Coogan was just wasted.
00:33:46.000 I heard through HBO people that... I've never met Steve Coogan, so this isn't a celebrity encounter.
00:33:54.000 He didn't show up for the first rehearsal.
00:33:57.000 They go to his room, and there's just coke and heroin everywhere.
00:34:01.000 The room reeks of sex, and there's just piles of cigarettes. 0.99
00:34:05.000 He's obviously been smoking, doing coke and heroin, and having sex with prostitutes. 1.00
00:34:11.000 During the shooting! 1.00
00:34:12.000 Like, we need you right now, dude!
00:34:16.000 And he screwed up his lines and everything.
00:34:17.000 I think he was a junkie, with Courtney Love, actually.
00:34:20.000 There's a story where
00:34:22.000 Again, this wasn't my personal encounter, but there's a story where he was just hanging out with Courtney Love because she always had tons of heroin, and that was great.
00:34:32.000 He started noticing in the media that she'd say, yeah, me and my boyfriend, Steve Coogan, and he'd go, uh-oh.
00:34:38.000 We've all been there, right, gentlemen?
00:34:40.000 When you are fornicating with a five for a long time just because it's convenient, and you realize, oops, I'm her boyfriend now.
00:34:49.000 So he goes, I got to get out of this because she's starting to stalk me. 1.00
00:34:54.000 And so he goes back to Britain for a few months.
00:34:58.000 And that usually works.
00:34:59.000 I highly recommend if you're in a relationship you want to get out of.
00:35:01.000 Well, actually, what I always say is, look, people work in the sewers.
00:35:06.000 People have tough jobs.
00:35:07.000 People are outside right now in zero degree temperatures trying to fix electrical things.
00:35:11.000 Their hands are freezing off.
00:35:14.000 You can sit down with a woman for five hours and explain that it's over. 1.00
00:35:18.000 You pussy. 1.00
00:35:19.000 But if that's not working, leave. 1.00
00:35:22.000 Go somewhere.
00:35:22.000 Stay at your friend's house for two weeks.
00:35:24.000 Let her decompress. 1.00
00:35:26.000 Get some new habits.
00:35:28.000 Boil some bunnies.
00:35:30.000 So he does that and it kind of works.
00:35:32.000 Then he comes back.
00:35:34.000 And he's driving and the cops pull him over.
00:35:38.000 And so he...
00:35:42.000 He goes, what's the issue here, gentlemen?
00:35:44.000 And they go, we think you're drunk.
00:35:46.000 And he goes, he doesn't say this, but he's thinking, you know, of all the times to be pulled over, I have been drunk and high so many times.
00:35:56.000 And you just pulled me over and I'm not remotely drunk.
00:35:59.000 First time ever, I think.
00:36:01.000 That I've been driving sober, and this happens to me the time I get pulled over.
00:36:04.000 So he says, look, look, this is very simple.
00:36:09.000 I'm happy to do a breathalyzer.
00:36:10.000 I feel absolutely fantastic.
00:36:12.000 If you think you've got the man, you don't.
00:36:15.000 And I mean no ill will to this, but I can guarantee, I swear on my children's life, I am completely sober.
00:36:22.000 And they go, no, we don't believe you.
00:36:26.000 And he doesn't understand why they're so insistent.
00:36:28.000 He says, I'll breathalyze.
00:36:29.000 I'll do anything.
00:36:30.000 And then he goes, they go, look, just go to that diner for a little bit.
00:36:34.000 And, uh, we're going to search your car for drug paraphernalia or booze.
00:36:40.000 He goes, what?
00:36:43.000 Uh, or we can impound it.
00:36:44.000 So you can go have a coffee and try to sober up and wait.
00:36:48.000 Oh yeah.
00:36:48.000 That was it.
00:36:48.000 They said they weren't, they weren't going to search his car for drugs.
00:36:50.000 They said, go to that diner there and have a coffee and wait and just sober up a bit.
00:36:54.000 And we'll let you go.
00:36:56.000 He goes, what?
00:36:57.000 Uh, okay, I'll go have a coffee and try to not be wasted anymore.
00:37:03.000 So he does.
00:37:04.000 And he comes back and they go, thanks, we're good, bye!
00:37:09.000 So, Coogan starts dating again, and Courtney Love shows up everywhere he goes.
00:37:17.000 He goes to some weird, innocuous, uh, battalion restaurant no one's ever heard of in Silver Lake,
00:37:23.000 Who's sitting at the next table?
00:37:24.000 Courtney Love.
00:37:26.000 Hi!
00:37:26.000 How's it going?
00:37:30.000 He goes to a club.
00:37:31.000 A nightclub.
00:37:32.000 He's dancing with another date!
00:37:34.000 There's Courtney in the dance floor. 1.00
00:37:35.000 What's up, sweetie?
00:37:37.000 And he can't figure out what the hell's going on.
00:37:39.000 And then he thinks, is my phone tapped?
00:37:41.000 So he hires a private investigator to come in and check his phone.
00:37:46.000 And the investigator goes all over his house.
00:37:48.000 And he goes, no, you definitely have no bugs.
00:37:50.000 He's got one of these bug detectors where you don't have to take everything apart.
00:37:53.000 You can just sort of beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
00:37:57.000 And then he's about to give up.
00:37:59.000 And the detective says, hang on a second.
00:38:02.000 He goes under his car.
00:38:05.000 And he finds what looks like a bomb, but is actually a tracking device.
00:38:11.000 It's sealed to the axle of the car.
00:38:15.000 And Coogan's in a parking garage, I believe, at the time.
00:38:17.000 There's no way anyone could have gotten to his car any time.
00:38:21.000 And the detector goes, well, someone got to your car when you weren't looking, and they attached this, and this is how she knows where you are.
00:38:29.000 And then it hits him.
00:38:31.000 Those cops, those cops that were determined to nail me because I'm drunk, knew I wasn't drunk.
00:38:38.000 They just had to get under the car.
00:38:40.000 Now I ask at this point, were those actual cops?
00:38:46.000 Or were they undercover?
00:38:48.000 I mean, were they guys dressed up in cop uniforms that Courtney Love had paid?
00:38:54.000 If it was the latter, guys, that's a pretty big felony you just did for Courtney Love.
00:38:58.000 How much did she pay you?
00:38:59.000 Let's say $10,000 each.
00:39:01.000 So she paid actors $10,000 each to pull someone over and risk going to jail, I assume for a while.
00:39:09.000 That's one option.
00:39:10.000 The other is she... 1.00
00:39:16.000 She is so close with the cops because they're Nirvana fans?
00:39:19.000 But that's not enough.
00:39:21.000 I think she would have to be blowing them. 0.99
00:39:23.000 She would have to be doing sexual favors for corrupt cops in order for them to have that kind of loyalty. 0.97
00:39:29.000 Because you're not going to risk your pension all 20 years. 0.57
00:39:33.000 That's even a bigger risk than the civilians dressing up as the cop.
00:39:37.000 So that's the mysterious part of the story is who were these cops? 0.61
00:39:40.000 The rest of it is just typical crazy junkie behavior.
00:39:45.000 So we got the thing off and they've gone their separate ways.
00:39:47.000 But you know what's interesting about the row thing?
00:39:51.000 If he X'd me because of that picture, that's a very, that's quite a one-way street we have here with mockery.
00:39:58.000 Because the thing I've noticed with celebrities is they can dish it out, but they can't take it. 0.85
00:40:04.000 Like Tommy Lee, I wrote about this in my book.
00:40:06.000 He loved the Do's and Don'ts book too and he said it helped him be unshackled when he wrote Dirt. 0.91
00:40:13.000 And Dirt is like, please kill me.
00:40:15.000 It's just a book where they sat and they interviewed everyone in Motley Crue for hours and hours and hours and they transcribed it and then ordered it into a book where you get the same story from different angles in a nice, you know, non-repetitive way.
00:40:29.000 Dirt is an amazing book.
00:40:30.000 I highly recommend it.
00:40:32.000 So, uh, he said that his managers would, they were reading do's and don'ts on tour, and they, every time he said, I don't know if I want to mention that story, he'd say, look, look, look at what Gavin did.
00:40:42.000 He said, he said this, this horrible thing. 0.98
00:40:47.000 Like, uh, there was one that he mentioned where I had this hideous redneck in short shorts who's about 60, and she looks like a racist, but she's staring at this black guy, and she looks like a whore too, like her breasts are hanging out, and I have her saying something like, uh, 1.00
00:41:02.000 What's the matter, nigger? 1.00
00:41:03.000 You blind? 1.00
00:41:04.000 Look at this fine piece of tail!
00:41:08.000 That's a bad word, the N-word.
00:41:10.000 But I think in that context, it's perfectly reasonable and funny and not racist.
00:41:14.000 So, when he was in New York, his manager said, Tommy wants to meet you.
00:41:20.000 And I said, OK.
00:41:21.000 And my thing with meeting anyone is I like to start with my worst and then we're settled now.
00:41:28.000 And if you don't want to hang out with that, if you can't take me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.
00:41:33.000 No, but seriously, I'd rather just joke around and see, do you have a sense of humor?
00:41:36.000 Can you be cool? 0.99
00:41:37.000 Rather than, you know, ass kiss. 0.96
00:41:39.000 But I think celebrities are used to just being totally surrounded by yes men. 0.87
00:41:44.000 It's like their life is a giant Facebook.
00:41:47.000 So they're used to everyone saying, so true, Tommy, so true.
00:41:50.000 And he's super corny.
00:41:53.000 I mean, I loved him on the crew and stuff, but check out some of Tommy Lee's solo work.
00:41:58.000 There's this one song, it's like an acoustic song.
00:42:03.000 To the place where the wildness never grows.
00:42:08.000 He's got a fedora on, a chain wallet.
00:42:12.000 He's on a surfboard in the video, and then a shark comes up to him, but it's him. 0.99
00:42:17.000 And then he looks at the camera and goes, what the fuck? 0.99
00:42:21.000 It's so queer. 1.00
00:42:24.000 So I don't really have a problem with that, though.
00:42:25.000 That's just very, very corny.
00:42:26.000 And you have to get used to that. 0.88
00:42:28.000 In L.A., you've got to get used to people that are going to be wearing stressed denim and are not going to know that chili peppers suck.
00:42:34.000 I mean, it's like here I am in the suburbs.
00:42:37.000 It's basically L.A.
00:42:39.000 It's like rich people dressed like British Protestants, British wasps, with their little pleated coats. 0.97
00:42:46.000 They all wear this sort of bee, you know those British hunters would wear with the beeswing, bee wax, waterproof coats and the rubber boots.
00:42:55.000 They all look like they have a farm in Essexshire.
00:42:58.000 And they like the red hot chili peppers.
00:43:01.000 It's such a strange affectation to pull.
00:43:03.000 Because I go, why?
00:43:04.000 I mean, I understand they seem kind of classy, but what a strange demographic to want to mimic.
00:43:10.000 British aristocrats that you'll never meet, that live in another part of the world, that ride horses and go fox hunting.
00:43:16.000 That's what you want to be?
00:43:18.000 You've never even met them!
00:43:19.000 Why do you want to be that group?
00:43:20.000 It's like me dressing Hasidic all the time and having my little payas and my fur hat. 0.98
00:43:27.000 So, uh, I meet Tommy at some corny bar in Midtown, of course, like rock and rollies.
00:43:36.000 Hard Rock Cafe.
00:43:38.000 And he's got a table of dudes who don't know that they're in their 40s.
00:43:42.000 You know, they shave their head with a razor so you don't know they're bald, even though you can see the stubble.
00:43:47.000 And they got their chain wallets and their $400 shirts unbuttoned too low. 0.99
00:43:53.000 And their vans and shit. 0.99
00:43:56.000 God, that's my generation, is grown men wearing vans. 0.99
00:43:59.000 Oh my God, I'm actually wearing some right now.
00:44:02.000 I'm making fun of Gen X wearing vans in their 40s, and I'm wearing a pair of blue Eras as I say that. 0.99
00:44:09.000 So I come up to him and he's like, yo, what's up?
00:44:13.000 And I hug him because someone from L.A.
00:44:16.000 needs to be hugged.
00:44:17.000 And by the way, I'm making Tommy Lee sound like a total douche in this. 1.00
00:44:21.000 He probably is a fun guy to hang out with outside of this, you know, need to have your ass kissed. 1.00
00:44:27.000 So I hug him and I go, hey, what the fuck? 1.00
00:44:29.000 This guy's got a boner over here. 0.99
00:44:31.000 And I look over to his friends. 0.98
00:44:33.000 That's like a Canadian hoser joke.
00:44:35.000 And if this was done in
00:44:37.000 In Cappus Casing, Ontario, everyone at the table would laugh.
00:44:41.000 And they'd add to it, like, no, that's not a boner, that's normal size.
00:44:45.000 If it was a boner, you'd have a bruise or something like that.
00:44:47.000 It would be, hilarity would ensue.
00:44:50.000 It's like a good bonding thing, I think.
00:44:52.000 But instead, it looked like, I don't know, I worked for TMZ and I was trying to frame him as having homosexual desires.
00:44:59.000 So no one at his table smiles at all.
00:45:04.000 And they all stare at me, and then I sit down, I order a Bud, and then he leans with his back to me now, and is talking to someone else.
00:45:13.000 Which I guess means, in retrospect, I guess it means leave?
00:45:18.000 Or apologize or something?
00:45:19.000 But I don't know, maybe I didn't have enough social skills at the time.
00:45:23.000 I just moved to New York.
00:45:23.000 This is probably 2000.
00:45:26.000 And so I just sit there and start nursing my beer, smiling and going, OK.
00:45:30.000 I think actually I was enjoying how horrible it was, because everyone was sort of staring.
00:45:34.000 It was like I just had a wet fart that was super loud and you could smell it.
00:45:38.000 That's sort of like what my joke did, because everyone was just sort of looking around like, OK.
00:45:47.000 And then Tommy started talking to one of the waitresses, and then he sat at a separate booth with her.
00:45:52.000 So now I'm stuck with his dorky chili peppers friends.
00:45:56.000 Who are all dressed like the drummer from the Chili Peppers. 0.93
00:45:59.000 Like fingerless gloves and stuff on 40 year olds.
00:46:02.000 And he ends up going up to, I guess it was at a hotel, like it was the basement bar of a fancy hotel in Midtown.
00:46:10.000 Soho Grand or something.
00:46:12.000 And he goes up to her room with her.
00:46:15.000 And then I go, I'm gonna go.
00:46:17.000 And I just throw ten bucks down or whatever.
00:46:19.000 And leave.
00:46:21.000 And I brought that up to go back to Justin because they can dish it out but they can't take it.
00:46:25.000 Like, I went out for dinner with Jimmy Kimmel and Justin Theroux and some other famous dude whose name I forget. 0.97
00:46:31.000 And they were all fucking with me. 0.97
00:46:34.000 The entire table. 0.99
00:46:35.000 So they had probably said in advance, let's make Gavin really mad.
00:46:40.000 Let's goad him, try to get him to lose his temper. 0.92
00:46:43.000 So I get there and they start talking about Hannity and looking over at me and talking about what a douche he is.
00:46:50.000 I don't know.
00:46:50.000 I don't care.
00:46:52.000 Go ahead, have bad opinions about Hannity.
00:46:54.000 I don't think Hannity likes me.
00:46:55.000 He's not my brother.
00:46:56.000 And they keep goading me and stuff.
00:46:58.000 And of course, with these celebrities, like, you're divorced.
00:47:02.000 You weren't there for your son.
00:47:04.000 You probably see your son three days a week.
00:47:06.000 So careful, careful what fights you pick.
00:47:09.000 And I forget, sorry, I should find the name of this guy.
00:47:12.000 He's like a B-list celebrity.
00:47:13.000 You'll see him in like Law and Order type shows. 0.98
00:47:15.000 But he's fucking with me and I'm making fun of him for riding a scooter. 0.97
00:47:19.000 And then I make fun of him for not seeing his kids seven days a week. 1.00
00:47:21.000 And he has a temper tantrum.
00:47:22.000 So it backfired.
00:47:24.000 Plus I'm drunk.
00:47:26.000 And you're trying to make a drunk guy lose his temper.
00:47:30.000 You're just picking a fight with someone who has liquid courage and no fear.
00:47:33.000 So I might be misremembering this, but I think I won.
00:47:37.000 But that's not why I bring up that story.
00:47:39.000 I bring up the story because I rode my motorcycle there to this dinner.
00:47:44.000 It was at the Smile Cafe in Soho.
00:47:47.000 And I put my helmet on.
00:47:48.000 I drive home wasted, which I don't recommend, in a thunderstorm.
00:47:54.000 And to Justin's credit, he did his very best to stop me and steal my keys, but I was not to be reckoned with.
00:48:02.000 And I rode my motorcycle in a thunderstorm over the Williamsburg Bridge.
00:48:06.000 But when I got home, I noticed that it said Hillary on the back of my helmet in Sharpie.
00:48:14.000 And I had ridden home in the rain with Hillary on my helmet.
00:48:17.000 Now, you can't get Sharpie off a white helmet, so I had to put reflective tape over it.
00:48:22.000 I thought that was funny.
00:48:23.000 That didn't make me mad.
00:48:25.000 But you get mad because of a picture?
00:48:27.000 Be my friend!
00:48:28.000 Be my friend!
00:48:34.000 I got a million more.
00:48:35.000 I could make this a regular series.
00:48:38.000 I've always been determined to do a graphic novel of it.
00:48:41.000 Because there's such a variety.
00:48:43.000 Like I'll do one more and then we'll have to go.
00:48:46.000 Curtis Mayfield.
00:48:47.000 Do you know who that is?
00:48:49.000 Black singer.
00:48:49.000 He's an incredible human being who revolutionized music and he doesn't really get the credit for that.
00:48:56.000 He's the one who did Superfly.
00:48:57.000 He kind of invented this whole way of singing.
00:49:02.000 Freddy's dead!
00:49:03.000 I'm obviously not doing a great job.
00:49:05.000 He used to be a doo-wop dude back in the 50s and he was in a band called The Impressions.
00:49:10.000 Keep on pushing! 0.99
00:49:13.000 And I don't like that music.
00:49:14.000 It sounds like Sambo music to me.
00:49:17.000 It's like, alright negro, you can perform but make it all love songs. 1.00
00:49:21.000 And it's alright, hey, it's alright, yeah.
00:49:25.000 My baby's got a sweet tooth. 1.00
00:49:28.000 Fuck off. 1.00
00:49:30.000 They still do that. 1.00
00:49:31.000 That was a big thing in Brooklyn too.
00:49:33.000 Weirdest phenomenon.
00:49:35.000 Every night, the men from that block, and in Brooklyn in the 60s and even the 70s, you would never leave your block.
00:49:42.000 To leave it, to go 10 feet was an act of war.
00:49:46.000 The most parochial culture since cave people. 1.00
00:49:51.000 So they would sit on a garbage can and they would sing.
00:49:55.000 Sometimes they'd have an oil drum, they'd light some garbage on fire to warm up, some wood, and they would sit there going, hey my baby don't care for me. 0.96
00:50:05.000 How gay is that? 0.93
00:50:07.000 Doo-wop singers, blue collar dudes, plumbers, construction workers, just every night with their big pompadours, hey my baby don't 0.86
00:50:15.000 Like, in the 60s and 70s, too, because there was that 50s revival in the 70s.
00:50:20.000 Anyway, don't like that music.
00:50:21.000 Don't like doo-wop. 1.00
00:50:23.000 And Curtis didn't like it either.
00:50:26.000 So he went solo and he started his own record label, Mayfield Records.
00:50:31.000 Now, I don't know when this was.
00:50:32.000 1960?
00:50:33.000 Find out when Mayfield Records started, Dave.
00:50:36.000 This would be like 65 or something, maybe even earlier.
00:50:39.000 And this was an artist starting his own record label when the other record labels were CBS Records, Polydor, RCA, like major corporations with huge buildings devoted to them.
00:50:51.000 And he said, no, I just do it myself.
00:50:53.000 Thank you.
00:50:54.000 And now I would argue that he invented the whole idea of independent music.
00:50:58.000 All these indie labels, that's all Curtis Mayfield.
00:51:01.000 And, uh,
00:51:04.000 Yeah, he did.
00:51:05.000 I think the Superfly soundtrack was the biggest hit for him.
00:51:08.000 But go through any of his canon when he's solo as Curtis Mayfield, and it's just hit after hit after hit.
00:51:15.000 And political, too.
00:51:16.000 That was the other exciting thing about it.
00:51:18.000 No blacks were singing about anything political back then. 0.98
00:51:21.000 And he was like, God bless us, Miss Black America!
00:51:27.000 And singing about the rent, and how it's hard to pay the rent.
00:51:31.000 I'm black and beautiful, and all things that were sort of not done back then.
00:51:35.000 You were only supposed to sing about how your baby has a sweet tooth. 0.92
00:51:39.000 You sure it wasn't Curtam Records?
00:51:40.000 Does that sound right?
00:51:41.000 Yeah, that sounds right.
00:51:42.000 When was that?
00:51:42.000 68.
00:51:42.000 68.
00:51:45.000 Pretty darn early for an indie label.
00:51:52.000 So he was doing a show, and the guy performed for decades and decades.
00:51:55.000 I mean, his music career goes back to when he was probably a teenager.
00:51:59.000 Like Jimi Hendrix kind of vibes.
00:52:01.000 You look up old pictures of him and you see him in a suit with his hair all straightened, posing with five other guys wearing the same suit.
00:52:08.000 And he was doing a sound check and a light fixture fell on the back of his head and didn't kill him, but made him paralyzed for life.
00:52:18.000 I bet that sound guy felt pretty good, huh?
00:52:21.000 Ah, we don't need all four screws.
00:52:23.000 One screw should do it.
00:52:24.000 What's gonna happen?
00:52:25.000 There'll be some shaking.
00:52:26.000 Worst case scenario, it dangles a little bit.
00:52:29.000 No, worst case scenario, it paralyzes one of the most important figures in the history of rock and roll.
00:52:35.000 Yeah, that too.
00:52:38.000 So, at my old magazine, I wanted to get him on the phone, because I was a fan.
00:52:42.000 And I couldn't get him on the phone, because we were just a 16-page free Montreal newsprint back then.
00:52:47.000 And his son was running the label.
00:52:49.000 His whole family ran the label at that point.
00:52:51.000 It was a family affair.
00:52:52.000 And so I called him up in a rage, going, I'm trying to give you a free ad!
00:52:56.000 Do you understand?
00:52:56.000 An interview is a free ad!
00:52:58.000 Do you know how much money you're saving?
00:53:00.000 We're trying to help you get your records up in Canada and Montreal and Quebec!
00:53:03.000 I've always been a grump.
00:53:08.000 And it worked.
00:53:09.000 And the son goes, OK, OK, hold on, hold on.
00:53:12.000 And then, boom, Curtis Mayfield's on the phone.
00:53:15.000 Hello?
00:53:16.000 That's, by the way, if you get a call and you don't want to talk to the person, or you don't know who it is, but you have to answer it, because someone goes, OK, I'll call you in the next five minutes.
00:53:25.000 And then you get a call from a strange number, and you think, is that him?
00:53:27.000 So I like to answer it as Curtis Mayfield, and just go, hello?
00:53:31.000 And they go, hi, it's Gavin there.
00:53:33.000 Hang on, who is this?
00:53:36.000 Sometimes they just go, oh, wrong number, and hang up. 0.99
00:53:38.000 That sucks.
00:53:40.000 So we talk for a little bit, and he talks, asking about rap music. 0.99
00:53:43.000 Does he like it?
00:53:44.000 Yeah, I like it.
00:53:46.000 Sometimes the lyrical content can seem a little bit too much.
00:53:52.000 I don't need swearing and nigger this and nigger that. 1.00
00:53:55.000 But for the most part, I'm very impressed.
00:53:59.000 These people out there doing, essentially, beat poetry.
00:54:03.000 It's just an incredible... And that's the beauty of music.
00:54:08.000 It's always evolving and changing.
00:54:12.000 It wasn't quite that high-pitched.
00:54:14.000 I've never done my Curtis Mayfield before today. 0.98
00:54:17.000 And I go, shit, I gotta ask him about the light fixture. 0.96
00:54:22.000 Because, you know, it's like, you can't interview Hulk Hogan and not talk about the gawker thing. 0.99
00:54:28.000 You can't interview what's-his-name and not talk about the scream.
00:54:33.000 What's that politician's name who went, yeah!
00:54:35.000 That was Howard Dean.
00:54:37.000 Howard Dean.
00:54:37.000 You can't do a Howard Dean interview and not mention the scream.
00:54:40.000 Can't talk to OJ and just talk about sports memorabilia, so it has to come up, right?
00:54:45.000 And I go, so, what happened, uh, that light fixture?
00:54:49.000 What was that story again?
00:54:50.000 Ugh.
00:54:51.000 I'm just a little kid at this point.
00:54:52.000 I was probably 25.
00:54:53.000 And I didn't have a lot of finesse.
00:54:58.000 I mean, I should have said, look, Curtis, I'm sorry if you don't want to talk about this, I understand, but I feel like I have to ask you about the accident.
00:55:03.000 That would have been a smarter way to do it.
00:55:05.000 But I said, so what happened with this?
00:55:06.000 Pretend I didn't know.
00:55:07.000 What happened with the light fixture again?
00:55:09.000 Which is also really insulting.
00:55:10.000 Like, you got an interview with Curtis Mayfield, and you're not familiar with how he became paralyzed?
00:55:14.000 And he goes, oh, I'm sure you're familiar with the story by now.
00:55:18.000 I was doing a sound check, and I was just out there testing the microphone.
00:55:23.000 And then just blackness. 0.89
00:55:26.000 He would probably not say black this, no, because he likes everything black. 0.76
00:55:30.000 I just, the lights went out.
00:55:33.000 And then there's a long pause and he goes, and when I awoke, I found myself to be paralyzed. 0.99
00:55:43.000 And the way he said paralyzed, I just felt this like wet blanket of shit. 1.00
00:55:49.000 And I just felt so dirty, so cheap. 1.00
00:55:53.000 I felt like such a douche.
00:55:55.000 Why did I make him have to relive that moment?
00:55:58.000 What a lame thing to do.
00:56:04.000 And that's, whenever I think of the Celebrity Encounters graphic novel I want to do, when I learn how to draw again, I always think that should be the first story.
00:56:13.000 Because that feeling was such a bad, cheap, gross, tacky feeling.
00:56:21.000 I'll never forget it to this day.
00:56:24.000 Going for the low-hanging fruit like that.
00:56:27.000 Being such a TMZ fake journalist.
00:56:31.000 It just felt wrong.
00:56:33.000 I thought, I'm never doing that again.
00:56:34.000 I never want to feel that way ever again.
00:56:38.000 And that's the moral of this story.
00:56:40.000 That celebrity culture is based on myths.
00:56:44.000 Celebrities are based on the notion that some people are magic and different than us.
00:56:51.000 And they really just lucked out with a movie deal.
00:56:54.000 Or I mean, in the case of Curtis Mayfield's ability, yeah, he's an incredible musician who is a talented entrepreneur, but he's not a god.
00:57:02.000 He's just like a really talented chemist.
00:57:04.000 If you met someone in biotech who had come up with a way to, you know,
00:57:09.000 Make genetically modified corn.
00:57:11.000 It saved a billion lives, like Norman Borlaug.
00:57:13.000 You wouldn't be scared around him. 1.00
00:57:14.000 You just go, holy shit, Norman Borlaug! 1.00
00:57:16.000 You're the guy with the corn! 1.00
00:57:17.000 That's amazing!
00:57:19.000 Wow!
00:57:20.000 Jesus, that must... So that took a lot of trial and error, I guess, with other shitty corn. 0.98
00:57:24.000 Yes, yes, it did. 0.91
00:57:25.000 We had a lot of terrible corn on the way there.
00:57:27.000 You know what I mean? 0.99
00:57:28.000 Like this whole idea that they're special or magical, that you would yell, holy shit! 0.99
00:57:33.000 When you see me at the train station, it's just... it's not American. 1.00
00:57:38.000 Again, Britain is the class system.
00:57:40.000 Britain is sort of like, well in a way it's like Catholicism. 0.66
00:57:45.000 I'm sorry to desecrate my own religion, but there's sort of the ones closer to God and then the ones farther away from God.
00:57:53.000 There may be some merit to innate talent and there are people I think who were born with more skills than others and born with more potential than others, but this idea of worshipping people
00:58:04.000 I'm pretending that people are magic. 0.96
00:58:06.000 It's just, well, it's really gay. 0.96
00:58:10.000 And, uh, I don't think we need to do it anymore. 0.98
00:58:13.000 As a famous person, I'm telling you that being famous sucks, and we need to get over it as a culture, because it is a total and utter waste of time. 0.99
00:58:22.000 The only thing it's good for is telling stupid stories on a podcast about explosive diarrhea. 0.99
00:58:29.000 Thank you very much for tuning in. 0.99
00:58:31.000 I think I'm going to start doing these twice a week, by the way.
00:58:33.000 And they're no longer on the CRTV.com website.
00:58:36.000 You have to go to the iTunes app.
00:58:39.000 I mean, Apple, iTunes, whatever, or Google Play.
00:58:41.000 I'm 47.
00:58:41.000 I don't know this stuff.
00:58:42.000 You know how it works.
00:58:44.000 I love you.
00:58:44.000 See you next week.