My gay uncle who died in the closet and left behind a wife and 6 kids, and a family life that was never the same after coming out to his family, and how that affected his family and how they dealt with the aftermath of his coming out story. And how my family dealt with it. I don t have the words to describe it, but I do have a few things to say about it, so I guess you'll just have to listen to this episode to get the gist of it. I hope you enjoy it, and that it makes you think about how God screws up and makes you gay. God gives you a gift, the gift of life, and sometimes he screws up. Sorry, but it is weird to be gay. Let's cut the crap, it's not evil, it s like a sexual albino. You have these incisors, like a vegetarian lion, you have the ability to catch prey but you're not interested. You think a vagina is gross? And I kind of get that, by the way, I m not interested in a vagina, but you think a woman's boobs are gross? And I get it, I see boobs and butts, but... but you get to the vagina and they just go, but, um, let s cut the cuckoo... But, um... it s not evil. My uncle is my sister s brother, my sister's brother. He grew up in Glasgow, and he grew up... in Glasgow... in a big mansion in Glasgow. He was 6 foot 2 inches tall. He looked like a man. He looks like that way. He has a pencil thin. And he looked like that guy with a pencil mustache. He had a nice chin. He's like a guy too. I don't know what else but he's a guy who looks like a girl with a guy that looks like his name like that's a girl who took a guy with his mustache too. And he's like that. I guess we're now into the 30s and I guess it was the end of the cycle of what you'd take on ballroom dancing on Friday nights, right? And then he takes a tuxedo? And then you take a ball on a ball and takes her back to the ballroom dance and she takes her to a ball. And then she takes a guy like that, and then she's a man with her name like her name is Jack Malone.
Transcript
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00:05:29.000If you want to know what it's like, just go to China or anywhere Eastern European today.
00:05:32.000You touch a wall, you touch anything, you're just black.
00:05:35.000You go, you go, you ride your bike to a destination in China, you get there, you wash your face and hands, and then you look at the towel and there's your exact hands and your face imprinted on the white towel.
00:05:45.000So she would get to school with everything that wasn't covered by goggles was just filthy.
00:05:51.000She'd show up at school, she looked like a coal miner.
00:05:55.000They don't get along, and then my grandmother has an affair with a Jewish man in Glasgow, gets pregnant, has an abortion, they get divorced.
00:06:16.000Uh, so they were kind of ostracized in their community, which is maybe a good thing.
00:06:22.000Maybe we should... Actually, I do know a woman who was divorced recently and she did say that you sort of have a stink on you here in the suburbs when you walk around.
00:06:31.000You, like, you walk into a restaurant and there's, oh, that's the one that was divorced.
00:06:37.000Because you represent a threat to marriage.
00:06:39.000Maybe she's going to seduce my husband now.
00:06:42.000I actually heard a story at a bar recently from the locals and they, you know, I live in an affluent neighbourhood now, maybe a little too affluent, like there's not enough kids on their bikes.
00:07:43.000My mom and my uncle are like 12 and 13, and she decides, she's wasted 10 years of her life with this jerk.
00:07:50.000He becomes this weird curmudgeon who lives in a little island called Rothsea in Scotland, where he has all his heirlooms, all his unbelievable furniture, but he's so cheap,
00:08:22.000But he never sold them or had an art show.
00:08:24.000And he kept all his paintings in plastic bags under the couch.
00:08:28.000But like for realist paintings of nudes and stuff really beautiful stuff.
00:08:31.000I wouldn't lie to you and he built a panel in the wall where He would hide his TV because in Britain you need a license to watch TV No joke you have to pay a TV licensing fee
00:08:45.000That the British Broadcasting Corporation, the BBC, then uses to make their government-friendly programming.
00:08:51.000It's state-controlled programming, just like in Canada, where Justin Trudeau pours money into the CBC and gets nothing but adulation, and recently Ottawa's talking about saving all the newspapers from bankruptcy, and they obviously will have to pay them back in adulation.
00:09:40.000I would want my wife to go through a one-year period of mourning, and then... I don't enjoy thinking about this, but... Get back on the saddle.
00:11:08.000She was a manager at like a Macy's, managed the whole thing, did personnel.
00:11:13.000And made okay money like she made that she was middle-class by by the time they got cooking but every single opportunity she got she would leave and so she'd leave my mother and my uncle alone for two weeks regularly Sometimes a month actually I can't confirm a month but
00:11:33.000So my 12 year old mom and her 14 year old gay brother would just make mac and cheese and have people over and watch their black and white one channel TV and maybe drink beers I guess.
00:11:49.000Kind of a fun life, but kind of a tragic life.
00:11:52.000And uh, as I got older, I think my uncle, oh my God, you know what was sexy about him?
00:11:58.000What a waste that he didn't get some hunks in his mix.
00:12:02.000He had, he had slick black, black hair, the slick black back with bro cream, kind of like what I'm trying to do to my hairdo, but natural.
00:14:08.000As a teenage gay in Scotland, you're gonna get beat up.
00:14:10.000I mean, this is a city where you get beat up for wearing green in a Rangers neighborhood or wearing blue in a Celtic neighborhood, the rival soccer teams.
00:14:18.000You can get beat up for smiling wrong.
00:14:20.000You get beat up in Glasgow for having a private school uniform on.
00:14:25.000Even if you got a scholarship and you're poor, you're a bloody student!
00:14:29.000Which is why my dad's face looks like KRS-One's, because it's been bashed in so many times, because he had to fight every day of his life, because he had a, um, private school blazer.
00:14:56.000My cousins are in denial, some of them.
00:14:59.000My dad told me a horrific story once about his brother Alan, and they're listening to a radio play, and it's about this horrible, evil dad who beats his kids and almost kills his wife and stuff.
00:18:19.000Strachan, he bought a cabin in Leadhills, which is the tallest place in Scotland, I believe.
00:18:24.000It's the home of the man who, I think John Smith or something, the guy who came up with the idea of putting a steam engine on its side and making it factory capable, which facilitated the Industrial Revolution.
00:18:36.000Hence the book by Arthur Herman, How the Scots Invented the Modern World.
00:18:40.000I remember being in that town and I said, I can't remember what, but I was like, aye well that's because Strachan's gay.
00:18:46.000And the guy took me aside and he goes, what's the matter with you?
00:19:08.000There's that doctor in Vancouver who says, I don't want to give kids hormone blockers just because a girl thinks she's a boy or a boy thinks he's a girl.
00:19:15.000We're not going to deny them puberty and make the woman permanently infertile, by the way.
00:20:02.000I remember he was really mad at my dad once for coming to Leadhills, and there was a guy there named Gordon Poole.
00:20:08.000Gordon Poole was from East London, and he didn't mock a bow.
00:20:13.000And it's sort of like, when someone is out of context, like that Cuban gangster dude who's always on Joe Rogan, who threatened me on Twitter recently for making fun of Ralphie May, Kiko Coco Ortiz or something.
00:20:25.000When those guys are in LA, any kind of wise guy,
00:20:33.000people know they're boring and cultureless, and when they see a Goomba with, like, tons of rings, they go, oh, you must have people killed.
00:20:41.000Every Italian from Brooklyn is Tony Soprano to them, so they get all excited.
00:20:45.000And then the guy becomes, like, a form of a wigger.
00:22:51.000He goes to this pub, and he's there with my mom, and he's not impressed with Gordon Poole, and he's not playing this stupid game.
00:22:58.000And they go, alright, last last call then, you're done.
00:23:01.000And my dad goes, but there's other people here.
00:23:04.000And she goes, oh they're locals, they'll stay after closing.
00:23:07.000But you're no locals, you're meant to leave.
00:23:10.000And my dad goes, actually, he has got that affected English accent, I've had him on the show, right?
00:23:15.000Actually, I won't be leaving at this time.
00:23:18.000I will leave when everyone else leaves because we live in a free society where there is not one set of rules for one group and another set of rules for the other.
00:23:29.000I'm getting scared just doing that voice.
00:23:33.000That voice has been screamed at me my whole fucking life.
00:23:37.000Because I was always the class clown in school, and education is very important to blue-collar Glaswegians.
00:23:42.000So when he saw my name on the board, which was every time there's parent-teacher interviews, the shit hit the fan.
00:24:47.000I believe the Glaswegians use their heed, as it's pronounced, more than their fists, and just destroys not just the man's nose, but his entire facade.
00:25:00.000It all came shattering out of his nostrils in that one split second, and the two guys holding my dad let go of my dad, and the emperor had lost his myth.
00:25:20.000You have the Sword of Truthocles constantly hanging over your head when people find out that you're not a mobster, or you can't fight, or you're not a tough guy from East London.
00:25:30.000And then the running joke, every year I went back, all the locals would say, hear me, Gordon Poole's looking for you.
00:29:49.000Like chugging five pints It's enough to make your stomach explode.
00:29:56.000I would often barf Walking home because my body like half of it was in my esophagus because my stomach said we're at we're full sir and Also as you're trying to chug these endless pints, which isn't pleasant to me I
00:30:12.000The beauty of America, I don't like how they don't buy rounds, but that took some getting used to, because Canadians buy rounds.
00:30:18.000Americans, you buy them a beer, and they go, thanks, free beer.
00:30:27.000And get there first, when you meet someone, so they don't, so you don't have to, uh, so you can have already bought your drink.
00:30:34.000Anyway, I'm with this guy, George Ande.
00:30:39.000It was fun hanging out at the pub with Strachan, I gotta say, and that's what I'll miss the most, cause he would come out of his shell, and we'd make jokes, he'd be laughing his head off.
00:30:49.000Holy shit, I just thought of something.
00:30:52.000One time he came home and he'd had the crap beaten out of him, like really bad, which in Glasgow, no one just punches you in the nose.
00:30:57.000They beat you for a fortnight until you're just jammed in jeans.
00:31:01.000And he comes back looking like groceries, condiments, and broke his hands, busted up his face.
00:31:08.000I had to design him a special thing for his tobacco tin where it could open by pulling a lever because he couldn't use both hands.
00:31:17.000And he had been beaten up being in a back cutting through a park and I guess he was on someone else's turf and he held on to his I'd asked him to pick me up some king cans some cans as they say on the way and he held on to those in the fetal position as they beat him so I would still get my cans and when I got my cans
00:31:35.000And believe me, I didn't want him to die for my beer.
00:31:37.000When I got my cans, there were so many dents in them, they were rounded like a football.
00:33:03.000And in fact, I didn't mention it, because it would change the conversation immediately.
00:33:09.000So we're in the pub one night and the pub stories were great.
00:33:12.000Like there was this guy, I've talked about him before, so you may want to skip ahead, but he was this drunk and, uh, he, he was always buying the rounds, always the first done.
00:33:22.000And they go, see you, Andy, you could drink for Scotland.
00:33:26.000I've always wanted to make this into a sketch, but it would be very, very big budget Monty Python budget.
00:34:32.000And then Andy's rebuttal was even better.
00:34:35.000He goes, Scrolland, disgusted by the way, I could drink for the world.
00:34:42.000Now we have an intergalactic drinking competition where he represents Earth, and the thing I love about that is the assumption that the other contestants from all these faraway planets, and they have to come from billions of light years away, right?
00:34:55.000Because we've already checked the vicinity and there's no one there.
00:34:57.000So we've got all these people traveling in through black holes or whatever, and some of them are going to be like 300 million pounds.
00:35:07.000It's not gonna be like the Star Wars bar, my friend.
00:35:09.000That's a strange coincidence with all these- dumb coincidence, I should say, with all these space shows where they look human, but with slightly different ears.
00:36:05.000Like my grandmother, when I was a little kid, my grandma was running, and the bus, we missed the bus, but she chased it down and caught it.
00:36:11.000And the bus driver was at the door, and he goes, just you keep running, Hen.
00:36:14.000You're going to get downtown before I do.
00:36:26.000And then I come back next year, and they were talking about that story, and we're all laughing about it, and I go, and then they go, see him, he'd have about a fruitcake in the fridge.
00:36:34.000And that's all he'd eat for weeks and weeks.
00:36:37.000Just take a wee nibble every time he was hungry.
00:36:40.000And I go, oh yeah, I remember him saying that.
00:36:48.000Uh, yeah, just a lot of drinking, no eating.
00:36:52.000Wait, so you were just talking about how awesome this guy is because he never eats, and he drinks all the time, and he starved to death doing exactly that?
00:37:04.000That's not unusual, by the way, in Glasgow.
00:37:07.000Men starve to death because they just get the empty calories of pints and they forget to eat.
00:37:11.000I remember in Cuba once, I think this is in my book, my mom was bawling her eyes out because my dad hadn't eaten in two days, and she was screaming, you're not a teenage cuddle!
00:39:26.000My dad told me that at a very young age.
00:39:28.000Although there was a time in the 70s when Bruce Lee was big, and Canadians are considered Americans there.
00:39:36.000Everyone was scared of me because of my accent.
00:39:39.000They thought that everyone with this accent can kick your head off.
00:39:43.000And so there was at least two years, maybe three, where I was just invincible because everyone assumed I could do a triple backflip because Bruce Lee can.
00:39:52.000And I'm obviously friends with Bruce Lee because I come from the same continent as him.
00:40:00.000But anyway, we're out of time here, we've got to wrap it up.
00:40:03.000So, Georgie, I was with my wife, Emily.
00:40:06.000Now, my wife is Native American, but she just looks Korean.
00:41:46.000And my uncle was so into beer that when Witherspoons would send their catalogues of what they're gonna have next week, they keep rotating the beers there, he'd send them to me when they were old.
00:41:56.000And he'd go, as you can see, had some American beers there.
00:43:03.000And then he holds her hand, and he puts the top of her hand to his forehead, and he holds it there.
00:43:13.000And then he takes it off his forehead and he puts his lips on the top of her hand.
00:43:18.000And I look down and I see he's crying.
00:43:22.000He is fucking crying because he's meeting a native.
00:43:26.000And then he says, he looks up, tears, not pouring down his face, I'm not going to exaggerate, but his eyes were red and his eyelashes had that gunked together thing you get when you were crying recently.
00:43:58.000And then puts his head back on her hand.
00:44:05.000They're so obsessed with the underdog.
00:44:07.000I guess it comes back to Edward's Army when they send him home to think again and bloody breathe out in the English.
00:44:14.000But they'll just... Like at Celtics games, I think they hold up a big Palestinian flag just because they see them as underdogs to the Israelis.
00:44:21.000They have no idea what the conflict is and no idea what Palestinians do to Israelis.
00:44:26.000But just, Annie, underdog, see yous, I like that.
00:44:30.000They're rooting for the Eagles in the Super Bowl, I promise you.
00:44:41.000It's not a pretty city, it's depressing and violent, but the people are hilarious and he had a strong fabric of friends who were not going to X him for being gay.
00:44:52.000They never mentioned faggots in air quotes, ever.
00:46:20.000But, the big picture with Strack is that he, for all his faults, and for all my frustration that he didn't live life to the fullest, he never hurt a soul.
00:47:36.000God bless Janet Thompson and Jack Thompson, his parents.
00:47:40.000And I'm glad my mom has made it through this rocky time with the wills and the cremations and the death, and she can learn to enjoy her life.
00:47:49.000Thanks very much for tuning in, and if you're gay, suck some dicks.