Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - Get Off My Lawn Podcast #21 | On The Inside, I’m a Four

00:00:03.000 On the inside, I'm a 4.

00:00:08.000 That's what my pal Steve told me.

00:00:10.000 We'll never be friends again.

00:00:12.000 That was our goodbye.

00:00:16.000 Insult, I'm not kidding.

00:00:16.000 And I just thought it'd be funny to sort of look back because we all have this, right?

00:00:21.000 We lose friends.

00:00:22.000 We have that last thing they ever say where you just go, all right, we're done.

00:00:27.000 And I think friends are like cell phone contracts.

00:00:30.000 Every year you get a chance to renew because you're going to have a fight every year.

00:00:35.000 And you're not speaking for maybe three days and then you show up and you say, do you want to get a beer?

00:00:41.000 Or you apologize.

00:00:42.000 A fun way to apologize, by the way, and save face is you go, look, man, I've been thinking about what you said and I guess I realized your point and I got to say, I'm sorry.

00:00:54.000 I'm so and pretend you can't say sorry it's stolen from the Fonz when he told I think Ralph Malfe that he should join the army and then he realized he's gonna end up in Vietnam and so he's told Ralph that he was wrong but he couldn't say wrong so he goes look I Ralph I was I was I've been using that joke since Fonz did that which was probably in the 70s I

00:01:19.000 So uh yeah every year you renew and I've been renewing my contract with this guy since 1984 since before you were born we've been bros and that was just it and he's he actually dumped me so I don't want to come across sound like I had had enough

00:01:38.000 He had had enough and he dumped me.

00:01:41.000 And it's weird because he said it's because I'm a fascist and he's not a political dude at all.

00:01:49.000 So it's like me dumping someone because they support the Dallas Cowboys and I've decided that sports is my thing.

00:01:57.000 Politics is not his thing.

00:01:59.000 So, I suspect it's really because I've got a wife and kids and, you know, you can't be friends with people who don't have kids.

00:02:09.000 Sorry.

00:02:09.000 You can be an acquaintance.

00:02:12.000 But as far as real friends, you're done. 1.00

00:02:15.000 First of all, you are thinking, get your shit together. 1.00

00:02:18.000 Go get some kids. 1.00

00:02:19.000 What are you doing?

00:02:20.000 And then they are thinking, man, this dude's so jealous of me.

00:02:24.000 I got totally laid last night.

00:02:26.000 Yeah, dude, I've been laid a billion times.

00:02:28.000 I've experienced your life.

00:02:30.000 You haven't experienced my life.

00:02:32.000 I've done that thing with the chicks. 1.00

00:02:33.000 I closed that book.

00:02:34.000 That chapter's done.

00:02:35.000 I'm in a whole new book now.

00:02:37.000 And I want you to try it.

00:02:38.000 It's a fun book.

00:02:39.000 You're still a teenager.

00:02:41.000 That's boring.

00:02:42.000 You've been sowing your wild oats for 30 years.

00:02:43.000 I'm not specifically talking about Steve now.

00:02:45.000 I'm talking about all these wrinkled teens. 0.83

00:02:48.000 These guys still playing video games in their 40s. 1.00

00:02:51.000 If you're not married in your 40s, you're a dork. 0.99

00:02:54.000 Sorry. 0.99

00:02:56.000 And that's the majority of the people I know.

00:02:57.000 I remember one time he said, dude, you gotta come to my house.

00:03:01.000 It's so awesome.

00:03:03.000 He convinced his parents to give them his inheritance before they died.

00:03:08.000 Kind of a good hustle, I guess.

00:03:10.000 So he bought a house at a very young age.

00:03:12.000 And he never really worked.

00:03:14.000 He'd just been selling the house and rebuilding it and, you know, playing around, playing guitar.

00:03:19.000 And he used to play with Melissa Oftermar from Hole.

00:03:23.000 But otherwise, he's just sort of been hanging.

00:03:26.000 And I don't care.

00:03:27.000 That's none of my business.

00:03:29.000 So we would get along great, because we have the same sense of humor.

00:03:32.000 And we did a movie together.

00:03:33.000 It's called The Brotherhood of the Traveling Rants.

00:03:37.000 It's a fake movie.

00:03:39.000 I set up a comedy tour because I've always said stand-up comedy is easy.

00:03:43.000 Just go do it. 0.99

00:03:44.000 I think I'll put up a video I did at the stand where I pulled my dick out. 1.00

00:03:47.000 I'll have to blur my dick. 1.00

00:03:50.000 Jay Gomez, the Puerto Rican rattlesnake. 0.99

00:03:52.000 I was making fun of comedians because they're such losers and they always have a little thing of water and they always talk about being in the trenches and how hard their job is and, man, it must be scary to go on stage. 0.94

00:04:01.000 It is easy. 0.97

00:04:03.000 If you're funny, you're just telling a funny story.

00:04:07.000 Like, here's something you could say on stage if you want to try it.

00:04:11.000 I just, I was just talking about this maybe an hour ago. 0.99

00:04:14.000 What does Sean King do when he's at the gym and everyone sees his normal dick? 0.99

00:04:20.000 All the brothers. 1.00

00:04:21.000 Because he's at a black gym. 0.98

00:04:22.000 I assume he lives in a black neighborhood. 0.99

00:04:24.000 He has a black wife, black kids. 0.99

00:04:25.000 He's a black man. 0.99

00:04:27.000 But he's not a black man, right? 0.99

00:04:28.000 He's somehow tricked himself into believing he's black. 1.00

00:04:31.000 But the penis don't lie. 1.00

00:04:33.000 So he must be in the change room and they all have their gigantic NBA schlongs. 0.99

00:04:39.000 And they're like, yo Sean, what's up?

00:04:41.000 He's like, oh yo man, I'm cold. 1.00

00:04:44.000 I just had like a cold shower and shit, dog. 1.00

00:04:48.000 No, you didn't, man. 1.00

00:04:48.000 I was with you. 1.00

00:04:49.000 I was spotting you lifting weights.

00:04:50.000 You just came straight here.

00:04:51.000 No, man.

00:04:53.000 I did Adderall this morning.

00:04:54.000 It shrinks it up.

00:04:55.000 That's why it looks like a white dude's. 0.88

00:04:57.000 Really?

00:04:57.000 You don't seem like you're on Adderall.

00:05:00.000 You seem like you're a white guy.

00:05:04.000 I don't know.

00:05:05.000 All day I've been thinking about Sean King.

00:05:07.000 I mean, people lie.

00:05:09.000 I've come across many a liar.

00:05:12.000 But I've heard of guys who have a second family, like another wife.

00:05:16.000 That was sort of common with boomers.

00:05:17.000 Not common, but more common.

00:05:21.000 But those guys must lie in bed at night and go, I'm a fraud.

00:05:25.000 Like, Sean King, I know he lies to himself and he lies to everyone, but he must, Talcum X must be lying in bed just going, does it ever end?

00:05:34.000 Do I ever come clean?

00:05:36.000 Like, what if I grow out my long, thin, non-curly brown hair?

00:05:42.000 I mean, if there's a barber strike, I'm done for.

00:05:49.000 Anyway, say that on stage, it's funny.

00:05:52.000 So I did this comedy tour and Steve and I, we laughed our heads off the entire time.

00:06:00.000 But even on that, there was a problem.

00:06:02.000 He wanted to seem like he was a really busy producer.

00:06:04.000 So we had to pretend that he lost a gig in it.

00:06:07.000 But he didn't lose any gig.

00:06:08.000 He had nothing going on.

00:06:09.000 The irony was, Brian, the guy who filmed it, he missed a gig at MTV editing.

00:06:15.000 It was going to be like 10 grand.

00:06:16.000 So while we're pretending that Steve missed out on this awesome thing in the movie, it was actually Brian.

00:06:22.000 The guy, the little nerd, 24 year old, had a lot more going on than either of us, actually.

00:06:28.000 Anyway, um, and I'll just go over my relationship with Steve.

00:06:34.000 Not because you care, not because that's relevant, but this is what's going to happen to you.

00:06:41.000 You're going to have a friendship like this.

00:06:42.000 So this was a friendship that was, what, 35 years in the making.

00:06:48.000 No, not in the making, in the doing.

00:06:50.000 And you're gonna lose a friend that you've had for 35 years.

00:06:53.000 And all those memories, well, they don't become nothing.

00:06:56.000 You just, they're not as important anymore.

00:06:59.000 And you just say bye. 0.99

00:07:00.000 In fact, holy shit, that's what the movie was about. 0.99

00:07:03.000 The movie was about all these years we've had together. 0.99

00:07:05.000 We pretended we stopped being friends. 0.99

00:07:07.000 Holy shit, I can't believe I'm just realizing this right now. 0.97

00:07:09.000 In the movie, we pretend that we stopped being friends, and then we make up at the end, and we hug, and he's my best friend, and that was all fiction. 0.99

00:07:16.000 It was like a fake documentary.

00:07:19.000 But in real life, we do stop being friends.

00:07:23.000 And no, there isn't a happy ending.

00:07:30.000 That's hilarious!

00:07:33.000 And in the movie, there's this big emotional scene where I go to his house and I'm like, I'm sorry, man.

00:07:37.000 What's going on?

00:07:38.000 I actually literally cried in the movie.

00:07:41.000 I got, I'm such a good actor and I got so, and then he started crying because I was crying.

00:07:45.000 So we have faked this breakup.

00:07:47.000 But in reality, it's just an email where he goes, you're the only one that's a four on the inside.

00:07:52.000 And I was like, okay, well, I guess we're done here. 1.00

00:07:54.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:07:55.000 And he goes, yeah, I didn't know why you were emailing me. 1.00

00:07:57.000 I told you to fuck off a long time ago. 1.00

00:08:01.000 That's how it really ends with old men. 1.00

00:08:04.000 But yeah, in high school we went to the Earl of March in Kanata, Ontario, which is a small suburb outside of Ottawa. 1.00

00:08:14.000 The house I was in was one of these stupid 0.93

00:08:19.000 Lego type houses where your neighbor has the exact same house and the trees are all planted recently. 1.00

00:08:24.000 It was like they just went bought a bunch of farmland and then made a bunch of cookie cutter homes.

00:08:29.000 So we're living there and we were the punks.

00:08:34.000 We weren't.

00:08:35.000 We were actually called the monks because we were half mods half punks.

00:08:38.000 And we had a gang and it wasn't part of the hierarchy.

00:08:41.000 It was like Scotland.

00:08:42.000 You know how the Scottish accent, no one sees that as upper class or lower class.

00:08:45.000 It's just Scottish.

00:08:47.000 So Scottish people can go to the poshest English party and no one cares. 1.00

00:08:52.000 And they can hang out with East Londoners and no one cares.

00:08:58.000 So being punk at school, we didn't, there was the in crowd, the jocks, they weren't, we weren't up or down.

00:09:04.000 Like we would go to their parties sometimes.

00:09:06.000 Actually the jocks would beat us up if we went to their parties.

00:09:10.000 There was a lot of sort of satellite groups at our school.

00:09:14.000 You know, whites are often seen as homogenous people, but we are very multicultural even within our own little groups.

00:09:21.000 Like, there was the Rockabillies, and there was a lot of them.

00:09:24.000 Rockabillies with creepers on, and pompadours, and stray cats looks.

00:09:30.000 Even one of them had a, like a Rockabilly old truck that had a gun rack on the back.

00:09:34.000 We're in Canada, by the way, so he just put a chain on his gun rack.

00:09:38.000 That's where I hold my chain collection.

00:09:41.000 And we had a skinhead, like a Nazi skinhead.

00:09:45.000 Only one.

00:09:46.000 Pat O'Connor was his name. 0.67

00:09:47.000 But he would sometimes bring the scary guys from downtown to kill us.

00:09:51.000 That was spooky.

00:09:53.000 There's punks, as I said, mods.

00:09:55.000 And then there was things called Karpies. 0.74

00:09:57.000 Our school, as I told you, they just bought farmland.

00:10:00.000 So just like you get coyotes in L.A.

00:10:02.000 who will eat your baby dog, we had farmer's kids. 0.94

00:10:05.000 Hosers! 1.00

00:10:06.000 Rednecks! 1.00

00:10:07.000 These, by the way, all these guys went skiing.

00:10:10.000 Downhill skiing in Canada, especially in Ontario when you're near Calabogie and the big hills, even Mount Tromel is not that far away, two hours.

00:10:18.000 It's not an upper middle class sport.

00:10:20.000 Rednecks do it. 1.00

00:10:21.000 Hosers do it. 1.00

00:10:21.000 They have a cigarette in their mouth and jeans and like a leather jacket and they're bombing down the hill with no gloves. 1.00

00:10:29.000 So they'd all wear their ski coats and their baseball hats high up on their heads like you could just... You could just blow it off their head.

00:10:37.000 These carpies. 0.83

00:10:37.000 They hated the punks. 0.83

00:10:39.000 I remember one time I had a shaved head that was leopard print and this carpie goes, I'm gonna cut your hair, eh?

00:10:45.000 I go, what?

00:10:47.000 You need a haircut, buddy.

00:10:48.000 I go, what kind of insult is that?

00:10:51.000 I already cut my hair.

00:10:52.000 I have very short hair.

00:10:53.000 What are you doing? 1.00

00:10:54.000 You say that about like a giant blue mohawk or something, dumbass. 1.00

00:10:58.000 We used to have these things in school. 0.99

00:11:00.000 We were very, very fun, by the way.

00:11:02.000 The thing about Ottawa and the surrounding suburbs is they're so boring that you become a fun expert.

00:11:08.000 Just like a pressure cooker.

00:11:09.000 Just like Bane!

00:11:11.000 Remember Bane?

00:11:11.000 He lived in that giant hole.

00:11:16.000 And knew nothing but pain and suffering.

00:11:19.000 And eventually, he developed the skills to escape.

00:11:23.000 And that's what we did.

00:11:25.000 In the pressure cooker jungle of dullness that is the Canadian suburbs, we created culture out of thin air.

00:11:31.000 So yeah, there was all these different subcultures in the school, all these different groups.

00:11:34.000 There was some jocks and the pretty girls. 0.73

00:11:37.000 You know what's funny about that generation, too, is the football players weren't cool.

00:11:40.000 And the cheerleaders were definitely not cool. 1.00

00:11:42.000 They were kind of seen as losers. 0.92

00:11:44.000 I don't know why that is. 0.92

00:11:45.000 Is it anti-Americanism?

00:11:46.000 I think it's because Square Pegs was big back then.

00:11:49.000 That was a show about misfits and nerds. 0.88

00:11:52.000 And when I was a teenager in the 80s, it was cool to be weird.

00:11:57.000 And normal people, like a handsome six-foot-tall football-playing jock, wasn't really that cool. 0.97

00:12:03.000 And then cheerleading that guy, well, that was pathetic. 0.99

00:12:05.000 So they were sort of poor, fat girls were the cheerleaders. 1.00

00:12:10.000 So we had our group, and we had our customs, and then we got from sort of the, they were kind of jockish, but there was this cool skater guy named Steve.

00:12:20.000 I won't say his full name.

00:12:22.000 You can look it up.

00:12:23.000 And he was friends with the jocks, and he was a year ahead of us, and he was one of the coolest guys in school.

00:12:28.000 He was skating, but not just like riding a skateboard.

00:12:31.000 He could ollie.

00:12:32.000 He would ride a half pipe and catch air.

00:12:37.000 I sound like such a square.

00:12:38.000 He would do a hand plant and what's called an Ollie McTwist, which was pioneered by Mr. Tony Hawk.

00:12:48.000 He also later would play guitar in a band called Grave Concerns.

00:12:52.000 Very, very cool guy.

00:12:54.000 It's got a catch for us, you know, but as I said, I guess we weren't on the hierarchy.

00:12:59.000 So We got big wins Sort of like when when crackle The the thing on roku got Jerry Seinfeld's comedians getting cars with coffee.

00:13:11.000 They're just so weird that you get them anyway

00:13:17.000 Oh, that was my boss calling, that's never good.

00:13:18.000 I remember we were driving around in a car, we had like someone's, everyone has all the Carpies, whatever.

00:13:26.000 Some of our guys were Carpies, by the way.

00:13:27.000 You had overlap.

00:13:29.000 So we had Pete and Paul, who was a mod and a punk, but they also lived way out in Carp.

00:13:34.000 And all the Carpies have a car, obviously, because they live in the middle of nowhere.

00:13:37.000 So we always had a car, even at 16, 15.

00:13:39.000 So we're driving around in a car, and we have nothing to do, and Paul goes,

00:13:44.000 I can't believe we're with Steve and we're not doing anything cool.

00:13:46.000 I remember looking at Paul like, dude, will you chill?

00:13:50.000 Don't give up our game.

00:13:53.000 So we got the cool guy, and Steve was genuinely cool.

00:13:58.000 Fun.

00:13:59.000 Like, cool is a thing.

00:14:01.000 It's an acquired taste.

00:14:02.000 Steve and I, by the way, have discussed the concept of cool for maybe 1,000 hours.

00:14:08.000 It started in the 50s.

00:14:09.000 I should do a whole podcast on it, actually.

00:14:10.000 It started in the 50s with Rebel Without a Cause and The Wild One.

00:14:16.000 Involves a white t-shirt.

00:14:17.000 It's a culture.

00:14:18.000 You can be cool or not cool.

00:14:19.000 You can be Amish or not Amish. 0.96

00:14:21.000 It's a thing.

00:14:21.000 It's not a it's not like people confuse it with like awesome or nice.

00:14:26.000 It's not an adjective like that.

00:14:27.000 It's a thing that you can be.

00:14:29.000 Like the dude always Dave Grohl is quantifiably objectively cool.

00:14:37.000 Wes Lang, the artist, is a cool person.

00:14:40.000 Scott Campbell, the tattooist, is quantifiably a cool person.

00:14:44.000 And nothing is less cool, by the way, than saying this.

00:14:47.000 It's like talking about humor.

00:14:49.000 You become unfunny the second you analyze it.

00:14:52.000 I remember we would go to these, uh, uh... Oh, good.

00:14:56.000 I'm invited to CPAC.

00:14:59.000 Hired, not fired.

00:15:01.000 I remember we'd go to these construction sites in Kanata.

00:15:05.000 K-A-N-A-T-A. 1.00

00:15:07.000 I don't know what it means.

00:15:07.000 Probably country.

00:15:10.000 And, uh, Indian word.

00:15:12.000 We'd go to these construction sites and we'd just mess with stuff and steal wood and jump off a thing and wreck something expensive or try to start a tractor.

00:15:20.000 I told you we were fun. 0.99

00:15:22.000 And then the security guard comes and normally you go, oh shit, and you run, right? 0.98

00:15:26.000 This is one of the first times I hung out with Steve and he goes, he stops running and he warns the security guard that he's trained in martial arts. 0.99

00:15:37.000 And he doesn't want to have to hurt him, but he may have to. 0.99

00:15:40.000 Of course, the security guard knows he's full of shit and keeps chasing him, but Steve would stay just out of his reach and do these dumb karate chops, and he goes, I don't want to kill you! 0.99

00:15:47.000 I was like, Steve, you're riffing as we're being arrested? 1.00

00:15:51.000 That's brilliant!

00:15:51.000 He's doing circle kicks and stuff really badly, but he's like, I don't want to have to hurt you!

00:15:55.000 And then laughing and running away, and we're always just out of his grasp.

00:15:58.000 This guy was purple with rage.

00:16:00.000 STEAMING MAD!

00:16:02.000 And then I realized, I think I want this guy to be my best pal.

00:16:06.000 This is too fun.

00:16:06.000 One time we were walking down the highway.

00:16:08.000 I don't know what we were doing, but these cars are whipping by and I was like, Jesus, how twisted would you have to be to just grab that cinder block and whip it at one of these cars?

00:16:18.000 And he does!

00:16:20.000 Smashes the window of a car with a cinder block.

00:16:23.000 It screeches to a stop.

00:16:25.000 It's full of dudes!

00:16:26.000 Like big football playing dudes!

00:16:28.000 We dart up into the trees, run into the forest, and then, totally instinctually, this was never mentioned, we just shoot up a tree.

00:16:37.000 I'm like 80 feet in the air.

00:16:39.000 He's 80 feet in the air somewhere else and we don't make a sound and we hear them But where are they? 0.54

00:16:43.000 I think they're over here shitting our pants and we just sit there swaying in the breeze under the night sky Blackness, thank God. 1.00

00:16:51.000 It wasn't a full moon It was attempted murder by the way that we got away with and we 0.86

00:16:59.000 They eventually get bored. 1.00

00:17:00.000 Ah, fuck it, we lost them. 1.00

00:17:02.000 They go back in their car. 1.00

00:17:03.000 But we don't, we're so far into the forest, we can't hear the car drive off, plus it's a loud highway.

00:17:07.000 So we don't know if they're gone.

00:17:09.000 So I must have waited half an hour.

00:17:12.000 And then slowly came down the thing, and I don't want to say like, Hey, Steven!

00:17:16.000 Are you there?

00:17:17.000 It's me, the guy that you threw a rock at a car with, a cinder block at a car! 0.98

00:17:21.000 Like, I don't want to give myself away.

00:17:23.000 I could have done a bird call, but instead I just went, Stick!

00:17:27.000 And then he hears me, and he goes, Gah!

00:17:31.000 And then it's like Marco Polo, like, Stay!

00:17:34.000 Gah! 1.00

00:17:35.000 Stay! 0.64

00:17:35.000 Gah! 0.64

00:17:36.000 Stay! 0.64

00:17:36.000 Gah! 0.64

00:17:37.000 Oh, Jesus Christ, man! 1.00

00:17:38.000 Are you insane? 0.99

00:17:38.000 He goes, I don't know why I did that. 0.99

00:17:40.000 It's the craziest thing I've ever done. 0.96

00:17:41.000 Holy crap, wow, that was exciting, though. 0.95

00:17:42.000 It was fun. 0.93

00:17:45.000 It was a blast.

00:17:45.000 We used to do this game where we would, I don't know, it was like, there's a thing called the Nepean Sportsplex, and it's just a big pool that has these massive towers for professional diving.

00:17:56.000 And we would go there on Tuesday nights.

00:17:58.000 We just chose a random night.

00:17:59.000 Oh, it's Tuesday.

00:18:00.000 Sportsplex Tuesdays.

00:18:02.000 We all would have to wear pajamas.

00:18:03.000 That was a rule.

00:18:04.000 You can kind of see where the Proud Boys sort of evolved.

00:18:07.000 We all had to wear pajamas.

00:18:08.000 We all had to bring party crackers.

00:18:11.000 And we would go to the Nepean Sportsplex at night.

00:18:13.000 It was totally abandoned.

00:18:15.000 It'd be like one old lady doing laps, and it was an Olympic-sized swimming pool, and we would just fight and shove each other and go on the ropes and jump off the top tower and do backflips and always get kicked out.

00:18:26.000 Inevitably, you're going to get kicked out, but you would just see as long as we can go.

00:18:29.000 We wouldn't swim in our PJs.

00:18:30.000 We would change into bathing suits, but that would have been funny if we kept on the PJs.

00:18:35.000 That was a huge tradition back then and and we also invented this game boomerang death Where you would you would just chase each other.

00:18:44.000 It was like tag with a boomerang but a boomerang Kills when it hits you like it'll cut you and I remember one time I was running and I can hear like

00:18:54.000 Chasing me like something out of Mad Max.

00:18:56.000 I dive for the ground.

00:18:58.000 The boomerang starts crawling along the ground.

00:19:00.000 WICKA TICKA TICKA TICKA! 0.71

00:19:01.000 Like ripping up grass.

00:19:03.000 As it mows the lawn.

00:19:05.000 And then TICKA TICKA! 0.97

00:19:06.000 Across my back.

00:19:07.000 OW! 1.00

00:19:07.000 GOD! 1.00

00:19:09.000 We wanna play a game with BB guns.

00:19:11.000 Where uh... 0.97

00:19:13.000 We would all line up like 10 of us and shoot each other.

00:19:16.000 So you would have 10 guys shooting BBs at a guy who was maybe 50 feet away and you'd wear like three pairs of jeans, four hats, five coats.

00:19:24.000 It still would kill getting shot with a BB gun.

00:19:27.000 But you'd only have to run like once and then you'd get to shoot guys all day.

00:19:32.000 It felt like math screwed up and allowed us too much fun.

00:19:37.000 I remember one time we were at a party and Paul McCarthy, he says, we had BB guns everywhere.

00:19:45.000 We carried them all the time.

00:19:46.000 It was like we had concealed carry for BB guns.

00:19:50.000 Illegal in Canada, I guess.

00:19:52.000 In New York you'd get five years.

00:19:53.000 But, uh, when there's a big bunch of guys staying over, you declare a bet.

00:19:57.000 I get Tom's bed, got it, okay.

00:19:59.000 And then I'm drunk out of my mind, right, as kids get, and I just go, no, that's not Tom's bed, that's my bed.

00:20:04.000 So I took the bed Paul had called.

00:20:07.000 And so he points his gun right at my face, and he goes, get up now, like Clint Eastwood. 1.00

00:20:14.000 And, uh, I just go, fuck you, and he just goes, and shoots me in the face at point-blank range. 1.00

00:20:23.000 And then he goes, oh my god! 1.00

00:20:26.000 And I go, what the fuck have you done, Paul? 0.99

00:20:29.000 It's not that bad. 0.99

00:20:30.000 It's a BB, right?

00:20:32.000 And blood's coming out of my face, and it's wedged in there.

00:20:34.000 And I just get nauseous instantly.

00:20:37.000 I think it's a Scottish thing.

00:20:38.000 So I have to go to the toilet and barf, because it's not so much the pain, just that I'm bleeding a lot.

00:20:42.000 I don't know.

00:20:43.000 It's nauseating.

00:20:45.000 So I go, and I start my barfing.

00:20:47.000 And they're looking at the hole as I'm barfing.

00:20:49.000 And they go, it's gone.

00:20:50.000 I think it got out.

00:20:51.000 Now, I never went, like,

00:20:53.000 Oh, can I see it?

00:20:54.000 But they just say no, it's definitely... And it was someone's older brother who was looking, and we were like maybe 15 at the time, so it sounded like a 17-year-old said it.

00:21:01.000 It's probably safe.

00:21:03.000 But then I noticed for the next few weeks that every time I would laugh, ah, my jaw would go, I'd hear, I'd hear like, I don't know if I could do it here, maybe like... And it was my jawbone scraping the BB.

00:21:21.000 So I go, I call Paul and I go, dude, I have a BB in my head and you put it there.

00:21:28.000 You got to drive me to the hospital.

00:21:29.000 Canada has free healthcare.

00:21:30.000 So, you know, I just show up at ER and I go, I have a BB in my face.

00:21:34.000 Please take it out.

00:21:35.000 It's, it's ruining my laughs.

00:21:36.000 Cause I hear a steel on bone. 0.97

00:21:39.000 And so they go in there and he just slices me open, I don't think he used anesthetic, and he has these fucking calipers, these long, it's like something out of the Saw, that movie Saw. 0.96

00:21:52.000 It's these long pointy tweezers that bend at the end and have a skinny skinny needle-like point. 0.98

00:22:00.000 And then he reaches in my skin, finds the bucket-shaped bullet, and then, like, pulls it out. 0.97

00:22:09.000 Like, I feel it getting sucked. 0.95

00:22:13.000 So I'm just like, I'm gonna barf. 0.91

00:22:14.000 I gotta do my classic barf here.

00:22:16.000 This is nauseating.

00:22:17.000 And I'm wearing the little, um...

00:22:19.000 Mind the little robe you wear where you're naked, right?

00:22:22.000 And I'm sort of in a daze, and I feel nauseous and sick again.

00:22:26.000 I just, I got a really weak stomach, basically.

00:22:28.000 And so I walk, Paul's waiting in the waiting room.

00:22:31.000 I don't know why I'm making this all about Paul when it's the Steve episode, but whatever.

00:22:34.000 Steve was always around for all this stuff.

00:22:37.000 And I go into the bathroom, and I'm in the waiting room's bathroom.

00:22:41.000 I don't know why I didn't use another bathroom.

00:22:43.000 I was in a daze.

00:22:44.000 I was so nauseated by that, having that bullet pulled out.

00:22:46.000 It felt so gross.

00:22:48.000 And I sit down, I start having another form of barfing, which is explosive diarrhea.

00:22:52.000 And then I take off the hospital gown, because I don't know, you know how it is when you're sort of like hot and you feel not, I'm actually getting the feeling right now, you just sort of feel like bad trippy, acidy, and you go, ugh, get this cloth off, I'm hot!

00:23:06.000 So I pull it off, so I'm totally, completely naked, sitting on the bowl, and I had forgotten to lock the door.

00:23:13.000 So this woman comes barging in, this has happened to me many times, 1.00

00:23:16.000 And she screams! 0.99

00:23:17.000 Of all the things!

00:23:19.000 She obviously wasn't expecting a naked man.

00:23:19.000 She screams.

00:23:22.000 And then I get up, still diarrheeing, and I walk over to her going, I'm sorry!

00:23:27.000 I'm sorry!

00:23:27.000 Anyway.

00:23:33.000 That was the kind of fun we had in high school and Steve was the cool guy in our gang.

00:23:37.000 Big part of that.

00:23:38.000 We moved out together.

00:23:40.000 Our moms cried together when we were 18.

00:23:43.000 I guess he was 19.

00:23:44.000 He's older than me.

00:23:46.000 And we got a punk house.

00:23:49.000 The way you would move out back then is you'd have two guys with the least punky hair go and get a house or an apartment.

00:23:57.000 And then the other 10 guys would move in after and we'd have bunks and you know someone would sleep in the kitchen and the dining room in the basement by the boiler and it was alarmingly fun. 0.97

00:24:08.000 Even funner than the stupid hijinks I was telling you about in the suburbs. 0.98

00:24:13.000 This was like playing shows now, getting laid. 1.00

00:24:16.000 I don't know why you millennials are still at home. 1.00

00:24:19.000 Is masturbating that fun? 1.00

00:24:22.000 Get out of your house. 0.99

00:24:24.000 Yeah, but there's a Sub-Zero fridge with fresh strawberries.

00:24:28.000 Ew, good, you got some fresh fruit.

00:24:31.000 You got some rasps.

00:24:33.000 Good! 1.00

00:24:34.000 Food is for fags. 0.99

00:24:37.000 Okay? 0.98

00:24:38.000 When I was your age, we just had a 40-pound giant military pot of rice.

00:24:46.000 Or spaghetti.

00:24:48.000 Or maybe we'd have like frozen burgers sometimes and we would just eat that for days and days and days.

00:24:53.000 Chickpeas and hummus and stuff.

00:24:57.000 You don't need food.

00:24:57.000 You shouldn't even like food until you're an old person and you're going out to a nice restaurant with your wife.

00:25:02.000 Before that, it's just so you don't starve to death.

00:25:04.000 It's just sustenance.

00:25:05.000 I was talking to some young guy the other day.

00:25:07.000 He's like 24.

00:25:08.000 Yeah, I really miss the food in New York.

00:25:11.000 Food?

00:25:12.000 You shouldn't be eating food at your age.

00:25:14.000 It should be soylent, whatever that... No, no, not soy.

00:25:17.000 But some sort of a food substitute that's not soy-based.

00:25:20.000 I was gonna say soylent green, but that's people. 0.99

00:25:24.000 Soylent green is people!

00:25:27.000 We moved out of the house, had that life, and then I started Vice.

00:25:33.000 And it's funny, some of your friends, your high school friends, I feel like it's natural when you're around 22, you go, all right, I'm ready to start a project now.

00:25:45.000 I'm going to become a welder, or a stand-up comedian, or I'm going to be an actor, or I'm going to be an engineer.

00:25:53.000 I better get my degree in how to work a camera or something.

00:25:57.000 But then you have other guys that go, no, I'm not doing any of that. 0.99

00:25:59.000 That's gay. 1.00

00:26:02.000 And I guess Steve was one of those. 0.88

00:26:04.000 He never really, I mean, he pursued rock, but he didn't like it.

00:26:10.000 Like he said, I think he was drunk for most shows.

00:26:12.000 He was a good guitarist, but it was all muscle memory.

00:26:14.000 He would play shows and not even remember them.

00:26:18.000 Uh, and then eventually just got bored of that and stopped touring.

00:26:22.000 I don't think that ever made any money.

00:26:24.000 And we'd just live in the country.

00:26:25.000 And then, you know, we maintained our friendship.

00:26:27.000 I'd call him all the time and, uh, we'd hang out once in a while, whenever he was in New York.

00:26:34.000 And I remember one time, so he says, come to my house, come to my house.

00:26:37.000 It's awesome.

00:26:38.000 You're going to be so jealous.

00:26:40.000 And I go to his house and it's just like an old, very, very old kind of rickety house.

00:26:45.000 And it's not really kid-friendly, per se, especially the neighborhood.

00:26:48.000 There's nothing for my kids to do there.

00:26:50.000 And he kept begging us to come.

00:26:51.000 And I'm like, dude, why are we here?

00:26:52.000 He goes, oh, we're going to have so much fun.

00:26:54.000 Here, let's go to the swimming hole.

00:26:56.000 So he gets on his motorbike, and he's doing wheelies in front of the car.

00:26:59.000 Because he's still cool.

00:27:02.000 But when you're cool in your late 40s, it's a little less cool.

00:27:05.000 And he wanted to know if my kids are impressed by him doing wheelies.

00:27:08.000 And I said no, and he seemed disappointed.

00:27:10.000 Anyway, this is a crucial detail.

00:27:13.000 He takes us to this watering hole, this sort of swimming hole I should say, sorry, and it's really hard to get to if you're not an adult.

00:27:22.000 So there's down this rocky crag and then through these this bramble and over this thing and then you get there and it's like slippery rocks and there's a hell of a current and you're sort of going down here and it's freezing cold and

00:27:33.000 It's the kind of thing I would love to do with him, if it was just me and him.

00:27:37.000 We'd grab a six-pack, run there.

00:27:39.000 I love, you know, I love finding a swimming hole.

00:27:41.000 It's one of the best things about Canada, upstate New York.

00:27:44.000 It's really, really fun, especially when it's undiscovered.

00:27:46.000 There's only a few people know about it.

00:27:47.000 Those are the best!

00:27:49.000 And there's a lot in New York.

00:27:52.000 This is where we were, upstate New York.

00:27:54.000 But I'm with three kids and one of them's a baby, dude.

00:27:57.000 I can't be walking down these rocks with a baby.

00:28:00.000 And this is the problem with being friends with people who don't have kids.

00:28:04.000 They don't understand how it works.

00:28:06.000 Meanwhile, you have friends over that have kids, and the kids have to go to bed, and their kids have to go to bed too, so the night wraps up pretty soon.

00:28:13.000 Or they get a babysitter, and you know, they get tired later, and you know, you have the same kind of interests, and you can talk about your kids sometimes.

00:28:21.000 It's... they just don't get us.

00:28:23.000 And they'll say things like, hey man, I'm in the city, you want to come out and get a beer?

00:28:28.000 And I go, uh, it's 11, dude.

00:28:31.000 Of course not.

00:28:32.000 Or they'll say, like my wife will stay with the kids, and they'll say, yeah, come on, let's party.

00:28:38.000 Okay, where do you want to meet?

00:28:39.000 Well, let's get dinner first.

00:28:41.000 Okay, yeah.

00:28:42.000 When do you want to get dinner?

00:28:43.000 Around 10, I guess.

00:28:45.000 10?

00:28:47.000 When we're back in bed watching our shows?

00:28:49.000 And we're going to have dinner in bed with me and my wife?

00:28:52.000 No.

00:28:53.000 We're on a totally different schedule, totally different mentality.

00:28:56.000 And maybe the people who don't have kids, they resent you. 1.00

00:29:00.000 Maybe they think you're a sellout or a pussy, or maybe they're jealous that they don't have a family. 0.99

00:29:05.000 Obviously, when I'm on this side of the fence, I'm going to assume it's jealousy, and I'm going to assume that's what happened with Steve. 1.00

00:29:10.000 Maybe not.

00:29:12.000 So, I make clear we can't do that again.

00:29:15.000 We can't come over to your house.

00:29:17.000 You know, it's just not kid-friendly.

00:29:18.000 It's dude-friendly.

00:29:19.000 It's where you go to get wasted, and I would love to get wasted there whenever you want.

00:29:24.000 And then we go to Sundance and for Brotherhood of the Traveling Rants and I'm jumping over, but like we also went to Europe together and that was in that other episode I talked to you about, uh, about touring all the squats in Europe.

00:29:36.000 That was with Steve again.

00:29:38.000 And so I'm jumping ahead decades here.

00:29:41.000 But, uh, everything was cool and we just realized that we can only party, but we'd still make jokes about people, you know, that we went to high school with and all that.

00:29:50.000 But, uh, things started to get weird.

00:29:52.000 There was this girl that I saw in his town in Hudson and she was a 10. 0.99

00:29:57.000 And believe me, I don't bandy that word around at all.

00:30:00.000 And I go, I called her Scott Peterson hot. 1.00

00:30:02.000 It's a joke I do where I say, that girl's so hot she'd make you want to kill your wife. 1.00

00:30:08.000 And another version of it, I heard some guy talking about Kimberly Guilfoyle and he goes, Kimberly Guilfoyle is a level of hot where you would kill your kids on Christmas Day just to eat out her ass. 1.00

00:30:25.000 Oh, I love men. 1.00

00:30:30.000 So, uh, yeah, I said, uh, well, she's stunning, blah, blah, blah.

00:30:33.000 And then he ends up a couple of weeks later getting her. 0.98

00:30:36.000 I was like, holy shit, you got that 10? 0.98

00:30:38.000 She's like 21. 0.99

00:30:38.000 He goes, yeah, it's weird, but I pulled it off. 0.99

00:30:42.000 And I felt like we had something even, you know?

00:30:46.000 Then I've got the family, he's got the hot chick. 0.96

00:30:48.000 And then one night we were going out, and this is just my theory, right?

00:30:54.000 But we were talking and he's like, yeah, well, you must be jealous, obviously, that I'm with this hot young girl.

00:30:59.000 And I went, what?

00:31:02.000 Not in the slightest, dude.

00:31:03.000 Not in the slightest.

00:31:04.000 And I didn't insult his lifestyle, but I think he thought we were even.

00:31:09.000 And when I realized I wasn't jealous of the hot girl, and I love my wife more than you can imagine, our dynamic changed.

00:31:17.000 And then that same night, we got into a fight about politics and right wing and Justin Trudeau, who he likes, believe it or not.

00:31:26.000 And then he's talking about Monsanto.

00:31:28.000 This is a thing certain people are obsessed with, this Monsanto and genetically modified foods and how we're all being poisoned.

00:31:36.000 And meanwhile, yes, we have an obesity epidemic, but it's people overindulging themselves, burning less calories than they take in.

00:31:45.000 Pretty simple.

00:31:46.000 I don't think you can blame it on a...

00:31:47.000 Evil Corporation.

00:31:51.000 And we have a weird fight that night, where he refuses to come back to my house.

00:31:55.000 This is now two years ago.

00:31:57.000 And he sleeps in his van.

00:31:59.000 And he had like a shaggin' wagon.

00:32:02.000 This is the same high... He's really the same cool guy in high school.

00:32:06.000 Imagine how cool it would be in high school if you had a shaggin' wagon with a bed in it.

00:32:10.000 Well, now he's in his late 40s with one.

00:32:12.000 It's not quite the same zing.

00:32:15.000 And then he calls me the next day and he's like, I can't believe I did that. 0.95

00:32:17.000 That was ridiculous. 0.95

00:32:18.000 I'm embarrassed. 0.66

00:32:19.000 I regret it.

00:32:19.000 What the hell am I doing?

00:32:21.000 And I go, whatever. 0.69

00:32:22.000 I don't care.

00:32:23.000 I don't see him for a while.

00:32:25.000 And then out of the blue on my Instagram, there's this comment.

00:32:31.000 From him, publicly. 0.98

00:32:33.000 And it says, you used to be punk rock, now you're a sellout and a fascist, and I'll never forget when you gave your boots to the Nazis. 0.98

00:32:41.000 Now, I got beat up by Nazi skinheads, like 10 of them. 0.99

00:32:44.000 They beat the crap out of me. 0.98

00:32:45.000 And yes, after the beating, I took off my boots and handed them to them. 0.97

00:32:51.000 It's called being robbed.

00:32:53.000 It's not a favor.

00:32:56.000 Uh, so it was just a weird comment and then I, so I commented on his comment and said, what are you doing?

00:33:01.000 Steve, you were never even into punk.

00:33:03.000 Like the whole time he was just in, in hanging out with us to get chicks.

00:33:07.000 He never dyed his hair or anything.

00:33:09.000 It was never like, it was more in a sort of emo and, and uh, you know, melodic kind of dag nasty type of bands.

00:33:16.000 And it's not like he would go to rallies.

00:33:17.000 Like we were political punks and we'd go to all these things and his girlfriends always had like brown hair and looked nice.

00:33:24.000 He was a normal guy.

00:33:25.000 He was still the jock from high school, but he was like a skateboard jock.

00:33:29.000 So to pretend that we were punks together is just false. 0.97

00:33:35.000 I thought that was fucking weird.

00:33:38.000 And so the first fight doesn't count because he apologized, but this comment is just bizarre. 0.93

00:33:42.000 And then I thought, whatever, I guess I'll let it go.

00:33:45.000 So I let a few months go by.

00:33:46.000 And that, by the way, all of these are your cell phone contract.

00:33:49.000 Do you want to renew?

00:33:51.000 And I kept saying, fine, I'll renew.

00:33:52.000 It's getting expensive.

00:33:54.000 It's getting, I'm not really enjoying my service.

00:33:57.000 But I'll renew, fine.

00:33:58.000 I don't want to get a new, worry about throwing out the cell phone.

00:34:01.000 I've had it for 35 years. 0.99

00:34:04.000 Literally, we were friends for 35 fucking years. 0.99

00:34:11.000 Um, so uh, I wonder if I've ever seen him have sex. 0.99

00:34:17.000 I think so. 0.99

00:34:18.000 I think I would walk in on him having sex and he'd laugh and smile and wave like if you couldn't see your face and he'd be like, hey dude, check it out, I'm fucking. 0.99

00:34:26.000 That's the kind of thing best friends do. 0.99

00:34:29.000 We would sleep in the same room for years.

00:34:31.000 I mean, we were inseparable.

00:34:33.000 Really, two peas in a pod.

00:34:35.000 But, and you understand if we were both political,

00:34:38.000 And, you know, we ran the Libertarian Socialist Democratic People's Newspaper together, and then I said, no, I'm not a communist anymore, I like Trump now.

00:34:49.000 That would make sense, because you'd go, what happened?

00:34:51.000 But this is someone who's never mentioned politics once.

00:34:54.000 In fact, when we had that fight, we stopped in the van, he was talking about Monsanto. 0.99

00:34:56.000 I was like, so you give a shit about Monsanto now? 0.99

00:34:58.000 I've never heard you mention this, ever! 0.99

00:35:00.000 We never talked about politics, ever!

00:35:03.000 We talked about girls and sex and cool and bands.

00:35:06.000 Like, here's a typical exchange.

00:35:08.000 It was one of the funniest things that's ever happened to me.

00:35:11.000 I was sitting, we were sitting at a ski lodge in Aspen and we were waiting for something.

00:35:17.000 Can't remember what.

00:35:17.000 And then he sees this guy who rides mountains on his bicycle.

00:35:22.000 It's, I'd never seen this before.

00:35:23.000 They've got huge knobby tires and you do jumps and stuff and you take this chairlift up and then you come down on your mountain bike, your, and it can do ice.

00:35:32.000 It's no problem with ice.

00:35:33.000 It's not slipping.

00:35:34.000 You do flips and all kinds of stuff.

00:35:36.000 It's extreme mountain biking in the snow.

00:35:39.000 And Steve was a big BMX kid as well as a skater, which is rare.

00:35:43.000 And he, you know, rides dirt bikes his whole life.

00:35:45.000 His parents got divorced when he was young, so he got whatever he wanted.

00:35:48.000 And so he was the only 14-year-old with a dirt bike I've ever seen in my life, north of the Mason-Dixon line.

00:35:55.000 So he's talking to that guy.

00:35:57.000 And he's getting along with them and they exchange numbers later.

00:36:00.000 He's like, that's cool.

00:36:00.000 Let's try it sometime.

00:36:01.000 Yeah.

00:36:01.000 Yeah, that's dope, man.

00:36:02.000 Dope.

00:36:03.000 He's a very masculine guy, this Steve.

00:36:05.000 So women are very attracted to him, even though he's bald.

00:36:08.000 And guys, guys love him.

00:36:11.000 Meanwhile, I was looking over at this guy.

00:36:12.000 He was wearing slippers and he's kind of chubby and he had like a Carhartt jacket on.

00:36:16.000 He's talking about to four old ladies and his hair was kind of in his eyes.

00:36:20.000 Looked kind of like a pothead schlub, but a good guy.

00:36:23.000 And the woman he was talking to were laughing.

00:36:24.000 It was like his Nana's friends.

00:36:26.000 And, uh, after he, he walks away and he goes, what a cool dude.

00:36:32.000 And I go, I was just thinking the same thing about that guy.

00:36:34.000 And he looks over and sees who I've been looking at.

00:36:36.000 And he goes, 1.00

00:36:38.000 Look at the kind of guy you're attracted to and the kind of guy I'm attracted to, you fucking fag! 1.00

00:36:43.000 Oh my god, did we laugh because he wasn't kidding. 1.00

00:36:52.000 That was a fall off the chair.

00:36:54.000 We used to call them slap me's.

00:36:56.000 It's in my movie because when we were little kids, like 13, we were trying pot and it just, you know, I have to smoke it like 20 times before it takes.

00:37:04.000 And we had hash in Canada back then.

00:37:07.000 So we're smoking hash and we're like, are you high?

00:37:09.000 I'm not high.

00:37:10.000 Are you high?

00:37:10.000 And then Peter McCarthy goes, I'm feeling like little snakes kind of go ziggly ziggly up my body.

00:37:16.000 And I go, Oh shit, I think we might be high. 0.99

00:37:18.000 And then, 0.99

00:37:20.000 I think it was Peter Zabo or someone just lays his hand out and he goes, SLAP ME SOME SKIN, BOBBY!

00:37:28.000 And we all laughed so hard that we almost died.

00:37:32.000 I was physically grasping at air and trying to put it into my mouth because I was suffocating from laughing for an hour.

00:37:38.000 We were screaming. 0.72

00:37:39.000 So ever since then we called laughing your head off slap me's. 0.97

00:37:42.000 And we would have slap me after slap me. 0.65

00:37:45.000 We've had hundreds of thousands of slap me's over the years.

00:37:52.000 But I renew my contract, despite the Instagram comment.

00:37:56.000 And we're not doing great, obviously.

00:37:57.000 I don't understand the comment.

00:37:58.000 I think he might have just been drunk. 0.99

00:37:59.000 And I've done stupid things when I'm drunk. 0.90

00:38:03.000 I've done pretty much everything when I'm drunk. 0.97

00:38:05.000 I'm drunk.

00:38:07.000 And then I think, you know what?

00:38:09.000 Let's just smooth it over.

00:38:10.000 Who cares?

00:38:11.000 So I'm looking up girls we went to high school with.

00:38:13.000 And there was one who was just breathtaking.

00:38:16.000 I won't say her name.

00:38:17.000 But I was very attracted to her in high school.

00:38:20.000 She was out of my league. 1.00

00:38:21.000 Very healthy.

00:38:22.000 And obviously she's in her late 40s now because we're old. 0.94

00:38:25.000 And so I finally track her down through Facebook and I am horrified!

00:38:30.000 Her eyes are these dark holes, and she must smoke a lot, and she's all haggard, and her hair looks like you could just sort of take it out like cotton candy, like it looks so weak and thinning, and she looks like a thousand years old.

00:38:45.000 And I'm like, holy crap, and I grab a picture and I go, dude, did you see what happened to Blah Blah Blah? 0.99

00:38:53.000 She is so brutally ugly. 0.99

00:38:56.000 She's like a four, max maybe a three. 1.00

00:38:59.000 I'd rather have sex with Leslie Jones. 1.00

00:39:03.000 I think she's a three. 1.00

00:39:06.000 No, she's a four. 1.00

00:39:07.000 And he goes, yeah, well, you're the only one who's a four on the inside, buddy.

00:39:14.000 And I go, all right, well, we're done here. 1.00

00:39:16.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:39:17.000 Have a nice life. 1.00

00:39:18.000 And he goes, yeah, I already said that to you.

00:39:20.000 Give me a call if you ever get over this fascism thing.

00:39:24.000 And that's the end of that.

00:39:26.000 35 years.

00:39:27.000 Not down the tubes.

00:39:28.000 It was awesome.

00:39:30.000 But it really is funny how, you know, outside of family, everything is temporary.

00:39:37.000 And I know plenty of you don't speak to your brothers and sisters or your mothers.

00:39:40.000 I think that's wrong.

00:39:42.000 I don't care how, outside of murder, I don't care what your siblings' politics are or what your dad said to your mom or whatever.

00:39:50.000 You gotta make up.

00:39:52.000 Look, I've had dry periods.

00:39:53.000 I haven't spoken to them for months at a time.

00:39:55.000 That's lame.

00:39:56.000 You need to keep your family by you. 0.97

00:40:00.000 Of course there's the junkies who rip off your mom and lose it mentally. 1.00

00:40:04.000 I'm not counting that, obviously. 0.55

00:40:06.000 Outside of major crimes and mental illness where it's almost empowering them too much to stay with them.

00:40:14.000 You've really gotta stick by them.

00:40:18.000 Whatever.

00:40:19.000 Friends?

00:40:21.000 They go.

00:40:22.000 They might be your friend for one year.

00:40:23.000 They might be your friend for 35 years.

00:40:26.000 But it just is temporary.

00:40:29.000 And that's why I think it's so important to have a family.

00:40:33.000 We're good to go. 0.90

00:40:51.000 My wife would be in a wheelchair from excessive fornication. 1.00

00:40:54.000 I would just be ripping her clothes off. 1.00

00:40:57.000 I can't believe you people don't have kids.

00:40:59.000 If I didn't have kids, my girlfriend would have to take her clothes off the second she walked in the front door and they would be in a bucket by the front door. 1.00

00:41:05.000 Like, why is she not nude? 0.96

00:41:08.000 Every second you're with her. 0.98

00:41:10.000 I'm sometimes embarrassed by my wife because I think she looks like a porn star because I lust her so much, but she doesn't to other people. 1.00

00:41:17.000 I remember my buddy Fred from Brooklyn, he goes, he goes, been married 30 years and I'd love to eat her out right now. 0.62

00:41:25.000 She was there at the party just rolling her eyes across the table. 0.96

00:41:29.000 That was at Kumia's house.

00:41:32.000 But yeah, friendship is great, and it's a thorough way to enjoy yourself, especially in your youth, but it's flitting.

00:41:41.000 And the only thing that remains is family.

00:41:44.000 And that is a message from God, by the way.

00:41:48.000 Saying look I want you guys to enjoy yourselves and hang out, but I need you to propagate this human race thing So eventually settle down and make kids and I promise I'll reward you with an extra level of endorphin serotonin full meaning You know Lauren Southern had a video recently where she talked about people being less happy after kids, but your scale of happiness changes 0.73

00:42:08.000 Like, what you define as fantastic has just been raised.

00:42:13.000 The bar has been raised.

00:42:15.000 So your scope of joy is different.

00:42:18.000 So ladies, I will wrap this up by saying if you're 25, it's time to start focusing on this boyfriend. 1.00

00:42:25.000 If he is a musician, or a photographer, or a standard comedian, dump his ass. 1.00

00:42:31.000 He's going to cheat on you and waste your best years. 1.00

00:42:34.000 Dudes, I think you could probably go to 30. 0.59

00:42:38.000 Parting your ass off, but eventually, and this is in Charles Murray's book, The Curmudgeon's Guide to Getting Ahead, he describes how you know which one to marry. 0.90

00:42:47.000 You gotta have your solids in common. 0.97

00:42:49.000 I don't think you have to have the same politics.

00:42:50.000 I don't have the same politics as my wife. 0.99

00:42:52.000 But we both have the same sense of humor.

00:42:55.000 We both like the same kind of music.

00:42:56.000 We both enjoy the same things, movies.

00:43:00.000 We're similar in that sense.

00:43:02.000 We both have the same kind of fun together.

00:43:06.000 And, uh, after 30, dude, put a ring on it. 1.00

00:43:10.000 Stop being a pussy. 1.00

00:43:11.000 Make some babies. 1.00

00:43:13.000 And you people who are on birth control after the wedding, what are you doing?

00:43:18.000 Oh, we need a little more money. 1.00

00:43:20.000 Kids are free, moron. 1.00

00:43:22.000 They're exactly as expensive as you want them to be. 1.00

00:43:25.000 If you want them to be zero, then get hand-me-downs, use toys, abound.

00:43:29.000 Kids are very happy in a room.

00:43:30.000 They don't care.

00:43:31.000 They don't need an open field.

00:43:33.000 They're happy in an apartment.

00:43:34.000 They're fine.

00:43:34.000 They just want to be with parents and be loved.

00:43:37.000 School is free if you want it to be.

00:43:40.000 You're not immortal.

00:43:42.000 You're going to have miscarriages, ladies, if you wait to 35. 1.00

00:43:46.000 25 is time to get serious.

00:43:47.000 I want to see you start churning them out in your late 20s. 1.00

00:43:51.000 Because your job is stupid, and it's not as important as making human beings. 0.99

00:43:57.000 And as far as your friends go, they're wonderful, and they're there for the fun times, but they're not that important. 1.00

00:44:07.000 See you next week, kids.

00:44:08.000 I like you more than a friend.

Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - February 02, 2018

Get Off My Lawn Podcast #21 | On The Inside, I’m a Four

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