It's Valentine's Day and it's time for all the boys to have a day just for the boys. You know the drill. The chocolates, the roses, the candy, and the dudes? No chicks allowed. But what's funnier than that? How about when you're a 5 year old boy and your friends are exchanging Valentines with each other? How do you know you're not a fag if you don't have a girl in your life? And what's the difference between a girl and a boy with a girl? What does it mean to be a boy and a girl with a boy? And how does that make you feel about Valentines Day? What do you do with a guy who doesn't like girls? How does he know he's not gay? And why does he think it's a bad idea to give a girl a valentine if he doesn't have one? What's the best way to celebrate the day that's not for the girls? You know, like when you go out and buy a bunch of Valentine's day candies and you don t get a guy a heart tattoo with a little red heart sticker on it? You don't know what you're doing it right? You're not going to get a girl who likes you back, you're going to give you a girl back? and that's what makes you feel like you're in love with the guy you're with, right? And that's why you should give her a Valentine s Day. . or a girl you like her back. or you're just not a guy that likes you? or she's not in love? and you want a girl to make you a guy to make her feel good about it? And you just don't want to make out with you, you just want to kiss her back or something you like you, but you want to give her something you can do something she likes you in a way you can't do something you do it in a romantic way, but she doesn't do it right, and she doesn t have a guy you can t do it with you in the way that you like? You don t want to do it like that? ? that's a girl that's cool with you and she's just not like that, she's pretty? What a day! What's up with ya, brozz?! what do you think of that, baby?
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00:03:28.000That's one of the funniest things about little kids, too, is their attitude with girls, because they obviously don't want to make out with them.
00:03:36.000But there is some sort of latent gene in there that goes, I like these.
00:04:36.000So you have to just sort of bite your lip when they say things or look away and pretend that you take them totally seriously even though they're little funny cute little tiny people.
00:04:45.000And you have to go, yeah, that is cool.
00:06:48.000And I go, what would you say she looks like, Dunks?
00:06:51.000And he goes, shall we talk like this when he's a little kid?
00:06:55.000And he goes, uh, exactly like a princess.
00:07:00.000I just thought, like, she was a funny little, you know, they all look like squares with their fat cheeks and their little square feet, their little cubes for feet.
00:07:09.000And she always had snot coming out of her nose because she was three or four.
00:07:14.000And she would just walk in, hey, what's going on?
00:08:10.000And then the next time you see the guy, he's with kind of a tougher looking girl who's like smoking, and she looks like Pinky Descadero, and they're like, what's up?
00:08:20.000Yeah, I guess, but you could be hanging out with us.
00:08:22.000You're still hanging out with a girl, and she's wearing a pink leather suit.
00:08:26.000And then the next time you see him, he's with a dude, and the guy's wearing all leather, his leather pants on, and like a leather S&M thing around his chest, and they're like making out with their beards.
00:11:17.000In fact, the porn star Mercedes Carrera, she told me that male porn stars will occasionally get in trouble because they'll be caught sort of in the side room off camera during a break having loving, romantic intercourse with the lady after, you know, doing all the gross stuff on camera.
00:11:35.000Because he just wants to snuggle at the end of the day.
00:11:39.000But yeah, I wanted to talk about the evolution of
00:11:43.000That funny time when you're a little kid and girls are just, what are they doing here?
00:13:14.000I don't mean that in the metaphor you want.
00:13:18.000I remember in high school there was this, I can't remember the name, Barry something and this other girl and they were maybe 14 at this time and word got out that they had sat naked on a blanket facing each other and just sort of like slowly at their own pace like touched one boob and touched a leg and saw how it felt and stopped and everyone was laughing their heads off at how lean that was.
00:13:42.000And I look back as an adult and go, yeah, that's pretty much the ideal scenario.
00:13:47.000Same age, going slow, figuring out as you go.
00:13:50.000I think that's what God's plan was with the garden.
00:15:09.000Every time there's a movie and someone kisses they go, uh oh, we're a bunch of losers.
00:15:16.000But as I got older and women became goddesses, I was blessed to have a dad who drinks a lot.
00:15:23.000And he, though we were middle class, maybe even upper middle class, those people in Canada are Squaresville, USA.
00:15:32.000So my dad ended up getting along better with the technicians from, he worked at Computing Devices Canada.
00:15:39.000We were pulled there in the 70s because Ottawa government town wanted to build its own Silicon Valley.
00:15:45.000And rather than let it happen organically, it's communism, so Stalin can just say, bring me all the smart men of Britain now, give them homes and make Silicon Valley happen today.
00:15:57.000So, he was a good engineer, worked on, you know, stuff like the XM-1 tank, a lot of military contracts for American places.
00:16:04.000Lots of technicians there, doing this sort of grunt work.
00:17:09.000And he was the best stripper the world had ever seen.
00:17:13.000When he was like Chippendales, went out there and he was a cowboy and he did triple backflip pirouettes and his schlong was hanging out, wagging away.
00:17:22.000Anyway, we would hang out in sort of the equivalent of the projects, but not that bad.
00:17:29.000So blue collar, everyone has got two cars and is well fed and well taxed for it.
00:17:36.000But there were these pretty girls who were 13, 14, 15 when we were 12, 13.
00:17:42.000And they would tell us to go by... Now the look back then, this is the early 80s, was sort of old school Air Jordans with the tongue pulled so far out it's flapping forward.
00:17:54.000Skin tight jeans, same ones you see today.
00:19:58.000And then I remember the next day, you woke up at normal kid time, like 7.40 a.m.
00:20:03.000She was obliterated, probably slept till noon.
00:20:06.000And we just went, wow, this is what it's like to have a girlfriend.
00:20:12.000And we both, Pete and I, went over there, like with our, you know, we just, our hair feathered and ready to rock, to meet our girlfriend.
00:20:19.000Now the two decadencies there are letting a young teenager get wasted, and what she does to little boys, not little boys, young men, and then them, these poor dummies, thinking that they both had the same girlfriend.
00:22:12.000There's always a phase where he just has to be the best at that.
00:22:16.000Totally consumed and now it's baseball so He's almost like I don't have to show up for work with him because even when I catch him Doing something he's reading baseball stats, and I mean that's not bad.
00:22:30.000You know looking at perverted memes or anything
00:22:34.000Although I will say, being a dad, and I went to talk about cute stuff this time, but one minor uncute tangent is this corrections officer shit is getting old real fast.
00:24:01.000Is this affecting my daughter's social life?
00:24:04.000Because these young girls, they are on their phones so much now, I'm talking about 12, 13, that it's in their hand like it's part of their body.
00:24:18.000I mean, it's like they have a human hand and an iPhone hand.
00:24:22.000So they're constantly texting each other, and I let her bring it to school, so she probably cheats there.
00:24:27.000But is it possible that when you tell her, you ban a kid from their phone, you cut them off from their circle of friends?
00:24:34.000And then you go, well that sucks, because it's either she's isolated, because she's not communicating with the gang, or she has her phone stuck to her face at the age of 12.
00:24:48.000Man, every time there's silence, someone's on a screen.
00:24:53.000Even at night, I'll have to look, like I'll have to do my rounds, maybe an hour after bedtime.
00:27:24.000So just these little nubs that would hold it in place.
00:27:26.000And then they would wear out and get thin and be, wouldn't be perfectly circular and probably jam up the machine so they would throw them out.
00:27:32.000So my grandfather would bring them home to my dad.
00:27:35.000So it's just a stupid, little, probably maple cone.
00:29:07.000And then she'd giggle, and then we just, we were the messenger men.
00:29:10.000We were like those pages in the court, just running in the House of Commons, running back and forth, delivering messages, helping the older ones court.
00:29:16.000It was like a Lord of the Flies society.
00:29:19.000Parents never set it up for us, and it worked.
00:29:22.000And then when we got older, back in Canada, we'd go to the arcade, meet girls, they'd smoke cigarettes.
00:29:30.000Here, now, in 2018, you know, it's mostly cute moments.
00:29:34.000I don't want to discourage you, again, from kids.
00:29:46.000It's just great little quotes and seeing them do things and
00:29:49.000Seeing your bigger boy play, you know baseball and get a home run and he's mr. Grand slam and that's awesome and your daughter with her Lessons, she's doing tap or whatever or she's in a play and then you go see the play and it's adorable That's most of it funny quotes.
00:30:04.000We have this game not a game, but You ever have a really stupid thought like I was watching a commercial and I
00:30:15.000I was watching a commercial and... Sorry, my mind just had a brain fart.
00:30:22.000Oh yeah, I was watching a commercial and they say, one way you know that a cat's happy is it meows.
00:30:58.000A huge part of it is just trying to get them away from all the awesome stuff they have.
00:31:03.000Get them away from all this technology.
00:31:05.000Get them outside, you know, try to warrant a tiny bit of attrition so they can garner some of the assets of figuring it out yourself.
00:31:15.000Like, trying to get them bored is a challenge.
00:31:20.000You basically want to just lock them in a cement room until they figure out, you know, with a piece of chalk until they figure out a fun way to draw on the walls.
00:31:28.000Even when we had a place upstate in the country, I would lock them outside.
00:31:32.000I'd come back ten minutes later and they'd be still by the front door, just staring at the snow.
00:31:37.000So, we've probably quadrupled our income every generation, the McInnes men.
00:31:45.000Much more with me, I believe, than my dad.
00:31:47.000But still, drastic increases in income.
00:33:38.000But yeah, that's my goal as a dad, is to get them to play games, to play those games, to get them outside, to get them in trouble, to get them to experience the natural checks and balances of being a kid and making mistakes.
00:33:52.000The majority of it is still incredibly cute.
00:33:55.000Valentine's with the boys is one of the funniest things that's ever come across my desk.
00:34:02.000But it is still very challenging, and that's got nothing to do with money.
00:34:06.000In fact, money might be the biggest problem.