Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - February 12, 2018


Get Off My Lawn Podcast #24 | Valentine's Day is for the Boys

Topics
Valentine Day for boys arranging flowers corrections officer rules enforcement stupid thoughts
Hosted by
Gavin McInnes
Mentioned
Valentine Pete Lois Tae Kwon Do Mercer Laura Craig Matt Christy Bradnox Farrah Fawcett Mercedes Carrera Pinky Tuscadero Paul Giamatti Forrest Gump Tony Gabriel Bonnie Tyler Harvey Pekar Jeez Louise Tom Hanks Spider-Man and 9 more
Get Off My Lawn Podcast #23 | I Can Make an Atheist Argument for the Existence of God Get Off My Lawn #81 | Get Your Kids a Flu Shot Now!

Episode Stats


Length

34 minutes

Words per minute

175.38

Word count

5,995

Sentence count

605

Harmful content

Misogyny

26

sentences flagged

Toxicity

99

sentences flagged

Hate speech

24

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

It's Valentine's Day and it's time for all the boys to have a day just for the boys. You know the drill. The chocolates, the roses, the candy, and the dudes? No chicks allowed. But what's funnier than that? How about when you're a 5 year old boy and your friends are exchanging Valentines with each other? How do you know you're not a fag if you don't have a girl in your life? And what's the difference between a girl and a boy with a girl? What does it mean to be a boy and a girl with a boy? And how does that make you feel about Valentines Day? What do you do with a guy who doesn't like girls? How does he know he's not gay? And why does he think it's a bad idea to give a girl a valentine if he doesn't have one? What's the best way to celebrate the day that's not for the girls? You know, like when you go out and buy a bunch of Valentine's day candies and you don t get a guy a heart tattoo with a little red heart sticker on it? You don't know what you're doing it right? You're not going to get a girl who likes you back, you're going to give you a girl back? and that's what makes you feel like you're in love with the guy you're with, right? And that's why you should give her a Valentine s Day. . or a girl you like her back. or you're just not a guy that likes you? or she's not in love? and you want a girl to make you a guy to make her feel good about it? And you just don't want to make out with you, you just want to kiss her back or something you like you, but you want to give her something you can do something she likes you in a way you can't do something you do it in a romantic way, but she doesn't do it right, and she doesn t have a guy you can t do it with you in the way that you like? You don t want to do it like that? ? that's a girl that's cool with you and she's just not like that, she's pretty? What a day! What's up with ya, brozz?! what do you think of that, baby?

Transcript

Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 Valentine's Day is for the boys!
00:00:02.000 It's just the guys.
00:00:06.000 Buggin'. 0.94
00:00:07.000 Put on the game. 0.99
00:00:11.000 Bitches go out, do whatever they do, shop, spend our money, and it's just the dudes coming by. 1.00
00:00:17.000 Show up at your buddy's house, big box of candies in a heart-shaped box. 0.99
00:00:21.000 You got your roses.
00:00:23.000 Come in.
00:00:23.000 What up, dog?
00:00:25.000 Just whip your roses at the guy. 1.00
00:00:26.000 Ha ha, he laughs.
00:00:28.000 He's already got like ten vases going.
00:00:32.000 Throws them in there.
00:00:33.000 Barely, he's all floppy about it too.
00:00:35.000 He doesn't care. 0.99
00:00:36.000 He's not a fag. 1.00
00:00:38.000 Throws the flowers in, and the guys just sit around. 0.97
00:00:41.000 What do you got there?
00:00:42.000 You whip them the box of chocolates.
00:00:45.000 I don't want any of those weird cherry ones.
00:00:47.000 Well, it comes with a map.
00:00:50.000 Talked about that in my new hit show.
00:00:52.000 Not the Valentine's Day thing, but the show I shot.
00:00:55.000 It's a version of my book.
00:00:57.000 I'm trying to get released, and it's running into some troubles I'll tell you about later, but another time, I mean.
00:01:03.000 But we're talking in the movie slash show.
00:01:05.000 It could be both.
00:01:09.000 When that dude goes, what's his name there from the show, the Tom Hanks guy, Forrest Gump?
00:01:15.000 And he goes, life's like a box of chocolates.
00:01:17.000 You never know what you're going to get.
00:01:20.000 Yeah, you do.
00:01:21.000 It comes with a map.
00:01:23.000 Oh, well, what if the guys, like, can't read?
00:01:27.000 Well, that's very rare.
00:01:30.000 With adults?
00:01:31.000 And so it's not enough for a colloquialism.
00:01:35.000 You know what I mean?
00:01:36.000 Like when they say a stitch in Time Stays Nine and they go, what about people with stubby hands?
00:01:40.000 Like who are birth defects and they just have like lobster hands.
00:01:43.000 Little mitts.
00:01:44.000 They can't stitch.
00:01:46.000 Yeah, I know, but they're abnormal and the colloquialisms apply to, you know, millions of people.
00:01:51.000 Millions of people can read.
00:01:52.000 Millions of people get that little map with the box of chocolates.
00:01:54.000 Anyway, Valentine's Day's got the chocolates and the dudes. 0.56
00:01:58.000 No chicks allowed! 1.00
00:02:01.000 Valentines.
00:02:03.000 That is my five-year-old son's attitude.
00:02:06.000 With his Valentines, he got a bunch of Star Wars ones where it says, you know, join the resistance and has Chewbacca or whatever.
00:02:14.000 And they come with a little tattoo that you can put sort of in the fold of the envelope thing, the little folded thing.
00:02:19.000 And then you seal it with a heart.
00:02:22.000 It comes with a big box of sticker hearts.
00:02:23.000 So it's Star Wars Valentines.
00:02:26.000 And I say, who do you want?
00:02:27.000 And he starts naming all his boys.
00:02:30.000 Sam.
00:02:31.000 Max, Matt, the guys, his crew.
00:02:37.000 And I go, all right, how about some chicks? 1.00
00:02:40.000 And he goes, what?
00:02:41.000 No, no way. 0.97
00:02:44.000 And, you know, he has a little boy's brain. 0.98
00:02:47.000 So he wasn't saying that's gay, but that was, that's the general crux of the vibe. 0.99
00:02:54.000 When you're five, you have your boys and girls are gross. 1.00
00:02:59.000 And so, for him and his friends, they're just exchanging valentines with each other. 0.89
00:03:05.000 Just the boys, man!
00:03:07.000 You wanna give a girl a valentine? 1.00
00:03:09.000 Are you a homosexual? 1.00
00:03:11.000 Why don't you go kiss her on the lips, fag? 1.00
00:03:14.000 You pussy. 1.00
00:03:16.000 God, I'm with my g- I'm giving- I'm sealing my little valentine tattoo with a little red heart sticker. 1.00
00:03:23.000 It's going to my boys!
00:03:28.000 That's one of the funniest things about little kids, too, is their attitude with girls, because they obviously don't want to make out with them. 0.53
00:03:36.000 But there is some sort of latent gene in there that goes, I like these.
00:03:41.000 There's something magical about them.
00:03:43.000 So like if you were to say, like say a five-year-old was with his buddy Matt and you go, is Matt your boyfriend?
00:03:52.000 He'd go, what?
00:03:52.000 No, what are you talking about?
00:03:54.000 But if he was near a girl and you go, is that your girlfriend? 1.00
00:03:58.000 They would get red and come and punch you and say, shut up! 0.99
00:04:02.000 That's still one of my favorite jokes. 0.99
00:04:04.000 It's when I'm walking down the street with a guy and there's a pretty girl.
00:04:06.000 I go, my friend likes you!
00:04:08.000 And then if he's really funny, he'll hit me and go, I do not shut up!
00:04:13.000 There's this one girl in my boys' class, Laura, and I go, she's really cute, and they play soccer, and she's like a little armadillo.
00:04:23.000 She just sort of gets the ball, weaves out through everyone, then boom, gets a basket. 1.00
00:04:28.000 Basket.
00:04:28.000 Scores a goal.
00:04:31.000 She's, it's funny to watch.
00:04:32.000 I mean, you don't want to laugh too hard at kids because they don't like that.
00:04:35.000 They don't like being cute.
00:04:36.000 So you have to just sort of bite your lip when they say things or look away and pretend that you take them totally seriously even though they're little funny cute little tiny people.
00:04:45.000 And you have to go, yeah, that is cool.
00:04:47.000 Yeah, the Flash is still alive.
00:04:49.000 Yeah.
00:04:51.000 My mother boy, when he was that age, he had this buddy Mercer back in Williamsburg.
00:04:57.000 And they were friends.
00:04:58.000 And my middle boy, he goes through these phases that he's obsessed with.
00:05:03.000 And this was his Marvel phase.
00:05:05.000 And he was all about Spider-Man.
00:05:08.000 But he respected the Hulk quite a bit.
00:05:10.000 And Mercer goes, yeah, the Hulk's a bad guy.
00:05:13.000 And my son goes, what?
00:05:15.000 And he goes, he's a bad guy.
00:05:17.000 He hurts people.
00:05:19.000 He's in the Avengers, Mercer.
00:05:20.000 And then they didn't speak for three weeks.
00:05:25.000 I love their beefs.
00:05:27.000 But yeah, with him, I go, so if you how many girlfriends?
00:05:32.000 Oh, this is another weird thing, too.
00:05:33.000 He has this other guy.
00:05:35.000 I'm changing all their names, by the way.
00:05:36.000 This other guy, Nicky.
00:05:38.000 And I go, how many girlfriends does Nicky have?
00:05:40.000 And he goes, oh, he has 10.
00:05:42.000 I go, 10 girlfriends?
00:05:45.000 I don't want that. 0.60
00:05:46.000 I mean, I don't get these Muslims with their 72 virgins. 1.00
00:05:49.000 I would want, at the most, maybe three.
00:05:52.000 And two of them would have to just be incredibly gorgeous and live, like, next door. 0.92
00:05:57.000 I don't want to deal with three women in my house. 1.00
00:06:00.000 But ten?
00:06:02.000 And then I met Nicky.
00:06:04.000 I go, I hear you have ten girlfriends.
00:06:06.000 And he goes, what?
00:06:07.000 No!
00:06:08.000 I have, like, two or three max.
00:06:11.000 So, Nicky's into having girlfriends.
00:06:15.000 But you're also, you never talk about it.
00:06:18.000 It's just sort of an accepted thing. 0.99
00:06:19.000 And girls are gross. 1.00
00:06:20.000 So I don't know why he said it. 0.98
00:06:22.000 I know I'm contradicting myself here, but it's a complicated world, these guys.
00:06:25.000 I remember with the middle boy, his sort of Laura was this girl, Lois was her name.
00:06:32.000 And he never talked about her, but I could tell that he had a crunch on her, as they would put it.
00:06:38.000 And I go, so Lois was there, right?
00:06:40.000 And he goes, yeah.
00:06:42.000 So?
00:06:43.000 OK.
00:06:45.000 I don't know.
00:06:46.000 She seems very pretty.
00:06:48.000 And I go, what would you say she looks like, Dunks?
00:06:51.000 And he goes, shall we talk like this when he's a little kid?
00:06:55.000 And he goes, uh, exactly like a princess.
00:07:00.000 I just thought, like, she was a funny little, you know, they all look like squares with their fat cheeks and their little square feet, their little cubes for feet. 0.97
00:07:09.000 And she always had snot coming out of her nose because she was three or four. 0.93
00:07:14.000 And she would just walk in, hey, what's going on?
00:07:18.000 That's a jellyfish.
00:07:21.000 But the idea that seeing her through his eyes, he just saw this like, Lois, with her hair flowing in the breeze like Farrah Fawcett.
00:07:32.000 Hello.
00:07:32.000 She sort of flicks it over one shoulder.
00:07:35.000 What are you guys doing?
00:07:37.000 I'm Lois. 0.98
00:07:42.000 So, yeah, my boy and his boys think Valentine's Day is for the boys, and kissing a girl is for gays. 0.99
00:07:54.000 You know? 0.89
00:07:54.000 I always thought that was funny. 0.89
00:07:56.000 Like, you'd have a bunch of guys, and they'd see their friend with a girl on a date, and they'd go, what are you doing, you pussy? 1.00
00:08:07.000 Fucking fag. 1.00
00:08:09.000 You wanna go on a date? 1.00
00:08:10.000 And then the next time you see the guy, he's with kind of a tougher looking girl who's like smoking, and she looks like Pinky Descadero, and they're like, what's up?
00:08:18.000 And he's like, hey man, this better?
00:08:20.000 Yeah, I guess, but you could be hanging out with us.
00:08:22.000 You're still hanging out with a girl, and she's wearing a pink leather suit.
00:08:26.000 And then the next time you see him, he's with a dude, and the guy's wearing all leather, his leather pants on, and like a leather S&M thing around his chest, and they're like making out with their beards.
00:08:37.000 And he goes, how's this?
00:08:40.000 Yeah, now you're finally hanging with the guys. 0.97
00:08:43.000 You're finally not a homo anymore. 1.00
00:08:45.000 Now you're a real man. 0.99
00:08:47.000 A real gay man. 0.96
00:08:50.000 You do have to do some gay stuff when you're straight, though, like buying flowers. 0.87
00:08:55.000 I bought flowers today for Valentine's Day.
00:08:59.000 And you go into these flower shops, and they're so serious about the flowers, and you're like, I know what this is.
00:09:07.000 It's a joke.
00:09:08.000 It's like wine.
00:09:09.000 You're a sommelier.
00:09:11.000 You're not talented, OK?
00:09:13.000 Look, I'll grab this one, this one, this one, and this one.
00:09:15.000 There's no skill there.
00:09:16.000 Oh, really, sir?
00:09:18.000 Why do I need a license?
00:09:20.000 I'll tell you why you need a license, because we live in a nanny state, and it's insane that you need a license. 0.92
00:09:25.000 I think it's insane barbers need a license. 0.62
00:09:27.000 What happened is the government saw a massive profit margin. 0.99
00:09:31.000 You buy them for nothing, and you sell them for 50 bucks, these stupid real flowers from a fancy shop, which is where I'm forced to go. 0.99
00:09:41.000 And they thought, let's get a cut on it, exactly like the mob. 0.99
00:09:45.000 Where they see there's a big profit margin there. 1.00
00:09:47.000 If there was no profit, then you wouldn't have to get your stupid license. 1.00
00:09:50.000 But you've brainwashed yourself into thinking you have a talent. 1.00
00:09:53.000 It's arranging flowers, dude.
00:09:55.000 It's like interior decorators.
00:09:57.000 Can you believe that job exists?
00:09:59.000 Hi, can you buy me a couch I might like?
00:10:01.000 Can you put it somewhere where I would like it?
00:10:04.000 Can you buy some paintings for me to enjoy?
00:10:07.000 Because I don't even know what kind of pictures I like to look at.
00:10:11.000 What?
00:10:13.000 Are you blind and deaf and mute and you were just born? 0.99
00:10:17.000 Are you Tarzan? 1.00
00:10:18.000 Are you a feral child who was just brought into civilization and you want to blend in with the normal civilized people? 0.85
00:10:26.000 Anyway. 0.82
00:10:29.000 I bought those flowers.
00:10:31.000 Last time I had to go there for Mother's Day too.
00:10:34.000 She's not my mother, she's my wife. 1.00
00:10:35.000 Why am I buying these?
00:10:37.000 I buy my mother flowers.
00:10:38.000 Yeah, but your children, they can't buy flowers. 1.00
00:10:41.000 Okay, then cut out a flower out of cardboard or whatever.
00:10:44.000 That's cute.
00:10:46.000 The funny thing about Mother's Day is that the mom's first request is always, get these things away from me.
00:10:52.000 I want a kid-free day.
00:10:54.000 But on Father's Day, the first thing is, I want to spend all day with the kids.
00:10:59.000 You know why?
00:10:59.000 Because we're better.
00:11:01.000 We're just better people.
00:11:03.000 All round. 1.00
00:11:04.000 Women are evil, vindictive bitches. 1.00
00:11:07.000 Just looking for a break. 1.00
00:11:08.000 We're loving, wonderful guys.
00:11:10.000 As I've said about all guys, we're sweeties. 0.99
00:11:13.000 They're the ones who have rape fantasies. 1.00
00:11:15.000 We have snuggle fantasies. 0.98
00:11:17.000 In fact, the porn star Mercedes Carrera, she told me that male porn stars will occasionally get in trouble because they'll be caught sort of in the side room off camera during a break having loving, romantic intercourse with the lady after, you know, doing all the gross stuff on camera.
00:11:35.000 Because he just wants to snuggle at the end of the day.
00:11:39.000 But yeah, I wanted to talk about the evolution of
00:11:43.000 That funny time when you're a little kid and girls are just, what are they doing here? 0.99
00:11:50.000 Why are you here?
00:11:51.000 Why do you exist on the planet?
00:11:53.000 You don't know anything about Star Wars.
00:11:55.000 You can't play soccer.
00:11:56.000 You can't play road hockey.
00:11:58.000 You can't fight.
00:11:59.000 Get lost! 0.99
00:12:01.000 You're boring. 0.50
00:12:02.000 And then, around 13...
00:12:07.000 They turn into goddesses. 0.99
00:12:10.000 And then they go from shitty men to sentient beings. 0.99
00:12:16.000 And then they're just... 0.99
00:12:17.000 You can't believe they exist.
00:12:19.000 Everything about them is such quality.
00:12:21.000 I'll never forget when I was about 13, Christy Bradnox.
00:12:25.000 I used her as a pen name at Vice for many years.
00:12:28.000 But Christy Bradnox was my first love.
00:12:30.000 And she was in track and field, bowl cut.
00:12:34.000 This is 1983.
00:12:37.000 And the elastics on her tube socks had died.
00:12:40.000 So she was holding them up with rubber bands.
00:12:43.000 I've had a sock thing ever since.
00:12:44.000 I remember just looking and the rubber bands were put there by angels.
00:12:49.000 And her socks were made of the finest silks.
00:12:53.000 You gotta be careful when you talk about this subject.
00:12:55.000 Because when you get the numbers off, you're sexualizing children.
00:12:59.000 That's wrong.
00:13:01.000 The numbers have to be close together.
00:13:02.000 13 and 13.
00:13:03.000 That's fine. 0.79
00:13:05.000 A 13 year old can sexualize a 13 year old. 1.00
00:13:08.000 I've had sex with lots of teenagers. 0.98
00:13:10.000 When I was a teenager. 0.97
00:13:12.000 And it blew, by the way.
00:13:14.000 I don't mean that in the metaphor you want.
00:13:18.000 I remember in high school there was this, I can't remember the name, Barry something and this other girl and they were maybe 14 at this time and word got out that they had sat naked on a blanket facing each other and just sort of like slowly at their own pace like touched one boob and touched a leg and saw how it felt and stopped and everyone was laughing their heads off at how lean that was.
00:13:42.000 And I look back as an adult and go, yeah, that's pretty much the ideal scenario.
00:13:47.000 Same age, going slow, figuring out as you go.
00:13:50.000 I think that's what God's plan was with the garden.
00:13:54.000 Just piece by piece.
00:13:56.000 I remember the other thing we would laugh at in junior high was someone dancing. 1.00
00:14:01.000 What a loser! 0.98
00:14:02.000 He went to the school dance and he was dancing around like crazy. 1.00
00:14:06.000 You're not supposed to do that.
00:14:07.000 You shuffle your feet left to right, right to left.
00:14:11.000 Left to right like a robot.
00:14:13.000 And you don't vacillate from those parameters.
00:14:17.000 God, doesn't anyone understand how to not enjoy your adolescence?
00:14:27.000 So, my son is in that age where, I was bugging him too, this is the five-year-old, I go, so who's the prettiest girl in your school?
00:14:34.000 And he said, I don't know.
00:14:35.000 I guess Laura.
00:14:38.000 I guess she would be.
00:14:41.000 It's pretty fun.
00:14:41.000 I remember one time my other boy drew me a picture and it was two people watching TV, and on the TV you could see people kissing.
00:14:50.000 He was maybe five or six when he drew this.
00:14:53.000 And I go, what's going on there?
00:14:54.000 And he goes, that's two people watching a movie.
00:14:57.000 And I go, what's going on there?
00:14:58.000 And he goes, oh, two people are kissing. 0.99
00:15:03.000 On the movie, so the people watching the show are losers. 0.99
00:15:06.000 The way he pronounced losers. 0.99
00:15:09.000 Every time there's a movie and someone kisses they go, uh oh, we're a bunch of losers. 0.98
00:15:16.000 But as I got older and women became goddesses, I was blessed to have a dad who drinks a lot. 0.87
00:15:23.000 And he, though we were middle class, maybe even upper middle class, those people in Canada are Squaresville, USA.
00:15:32.000 So my dad ended up getting along better with the technicians from, he worked at Computing Devices Canada.
00:15:39.000 We were pulled there in the 70s because Ottawa government town wanted to build its own Silicon Valley.
00:15:45.000 And rather than let it happen organically, it's communism, so Stalin can just say, bring me all the smart men of Britain now, give them homes and make Silicon Valley happen today.
00:15:57.000 So, he was a good engineer, worked on, you know, stuff like the XM-1 tank, a lot of military contracts for American places.
00:16:04.000 Lots of technicians there, doing this sort of grunt work.
00:16:07.000 And they were good guys.
00:16:09.000 So I was friends with their kids.
00:16:11.000 And they would sort of live in townhouse type areas, which isn't fancy in Canada.
00:16:16.000 I guess condo would be the equivalent.
00:16:19.000 In Barhaven and Bellevue or whatever.
00:16:22.000 I forget the names of them.
00:16:23.000 But, great kids, you know, fun stuff.
00:16:26.000 And the parents were always cool.
00:16:27.000 That's the beauty of the working class.
00:16:29.000 Like, we'd be in a van, and the mom would be smoking pot. 1.00
00:16:32.000 We'd be in the back, projectile vomiting, because we were only eight years old.
00:16:36.000 I hung out with them my entire childhood.
00:16:39.000 Remember, one of them, his name was Peter, and he wanted to become a cop.
00:16:48.000 Not the brightest bulb in the tree.
00:16:49.000 And they said, he's filling out the forms, and it's like, street number, 38.
00:16:53.000 Street name.
00:16:56.000 And he goes, man, I don't really have a street name.
00:16:59.000 I guess people call me Pete.
00:17:00.000 So he writes 38 Pete as his address.
00:17:04.000 His mom always said, no matter what you do, I want you to be the best at it.
00:17:07.000 And he became a stripper.
00:17:09.000 And he was the best stripper the world had ever seen.
00:17:13.000 When he was like Chippendales, went out there and he was a cowboy and he did triple backflip pirouettes and his schlong was hanging out, wagging away. 0.99
00:17:22.000 Anyway, we would hang out in sort of the equivalent of the projects, but not that bad.
00:17:27.000 This is still Canada.
00:17:29.000 So blue collar, everyone has got two cars and is well fed and well taxed for it.
00:17:36.000 But there were these pretty girls who were 13, 14, 15 when we were 12, 13. 1.00
00:17:42.000 And they would tell us to go by... Now the look back then, this is the early 80s, was sort of old school Air Jordans with the tongue pulled so far out it's flapping forward.
00:17:54.000 Skin tight jeans, same ones you see today.
00:17:56.000 This was the first wave of them.
00:17:57.000 Like you needed a coat hanger to pull the zipper up.
00:18:00.000 And then what we called a lumberjack jacket, which was just like a big, huge, thick fleece, sort of a plaid fleece.
00:18:07.000 You'll see DOA wear them in the video of Taking Care of Business with BTO.
00:18:15.000 And then like a shirt with 77, Tony Gabriel from the Rough Riders.
00:18:19.000 And then the Farrah Fawcett hair, all feathered back.
00:18:21.000 Boys and girls all had that hair.
00:18:23.000 So in other words, they looked like complete goddesses.
00:18:27.000 And you talk to them and there'd be light shooting from their faces like in that Bonnie Tyler video.
00:18:32.000 Turn around bright eyes.
00:18:35.000 They were just, I couldn't believe the quality. 1.00
00:18:37.000 I would, excuse me, I would lie in bed when we had to go back to the stupid suburbs 0.99
00:18:43.000 Where there was no goddesses, and my heart would pound just so green with envy that Pete got to live with these angels. 0.98
00:18:54.000 So they would tell us to go buy, they call us cute all the time, and they would tell us to go buy cigarettes.
00:18:59.000 And so we'd go, you're allowed to buy cigarettes, anyone could buy cigarettes around there.
00:19:02.000 And we'd go get them a pack of smokes, with their money, we're just errand boys.
00:19:06.000 And, uh, we would bring them the cigarettes and they'd give us a kiss on the lips.
00:19:12.000 And that would, like, make your knees shake, like you'd be in a daze.
00:19:15.000 You'd just float home on air.
00:19:17.000 I'm not saying that children are sexual, by the way.
00:19:21.000 I'm just saying, when it goes slowly, there is some beauty to it.
00:19:26.000 When it's just a mild game with close ages.
00:19:30.000 Nothing heavy.
00:19:32.000 No adults.
00:19:34.000 And it did get kind of bad with them too.
00:19:36.000 I remember being babysat by one of them, Vicky, and she came over and she held us down, me and Pete, and she started making out with us.
00:19:45.000 She was drunk.
00:19:46.000 So we were probably 13, 12 or 13 at the time, and she would have been like 15, 16.
00:19:52.000 And we thought it was awesome, of course.
00:19:55.000 Pretended we couldn't get free.
00:19:56.000 She held us down, made out with us.
00:19:58.000 And then I remember the next day, you woke up at normal kid time, like 7.40 a.m.
00:20:03.000 She was obliterated, probably slept till noon.
00:20:06.000 And we just went, wow, this is what it's like to have a girlfriend.
00:20:12.000 And we both, Pete and I, went over there, like with our, you know, we just, our hair feathered and ready to rock, to meet our girlfriend.
00:20:19.000 Now the two decadencies there are letting a young teenager get wasted, and what she does to little boys, not little boys, young men, and then them, these poor dummies, thinking that they both had the same girlfriend.
00:20:33.000 That's when it gets depraved.
00:20:36.000 But getting cigarettes, getting a peck on the cheek, that's cute.
00:20:40.000 But man, it sure was fun hanging out with non-rich people as a kid.
00:20:45.000 There was so many adventures and abandoned parks.
00:20:48.000 That's what I'm trying to do with my kids.
00:20:49.000 Obviously not get to the point where they're having to make out with a drunk babysitter, but get to the trouble part, you know?
00:20:57.000 Here in the Burbs, I moved out here and I was hoping it would become the 70s, but it's not.
00:21:03.000 The kids, man, maybe we're too wealthy here in the area, but do kids still play on their bikes?
00:21:09.000 We got...
00:21:10.000 They're all at lessons or sports teams or something and it's hard to find.
00:21:15.000 And then you can find them if you do a playdate, but that's why we left the city.
00:21:19.000 Because of the playdates.
00:21:21.000 I didn't like that.
00:21:22.000 I want it to be organic.
00:21:24.000 I mean, organized sports is fine.
00:21:25.000 It's great if there's nothing else going on.
00:21:27.000 But I honestly think the ideal league is just kids in a park.
00:21:30.000 Especially young kids.
00:21:32.000 You know, you get to high school and you're throwing a fastball at 60 miles an hour.
00:21:36.000 Sure, you should just be competing with other high schools.
00:21:39.000 But up until, you know, teens?
00:21:43.000 Just wing it.
00:21:45.000 But they can't wing it.
00:21:47.000 The youngest son is fine.
00:21:49.000 We moved here when he was four, so last year.
00:21:52.000 So he'll develop organically here.
00:21:54.000 The middle kid, he just becomes totally focused on one thing.
00:22:01.000 First it was, yo, Gabba Gabba, where he had the outfit and the ghetto blaster would come out and go, yo, Gabba Gabba. 0.90
00:22:08.000 Then it was Spider-Man.
00:22:10.000 Then it was origami.
00:22:12.000 There's always a phase where he just has to be the best at that.
00:22:16.000 Totally consumed and now it's baseball so He's almost like I don't have to show up for work with him because even when I catch him Doing something he's reading baseball stats, and I mean that's not bad.
00:22:30.000 You know looking at perverted memes or anything 0.99
00:22:34.000 Although I will say, being a dad, and I went to talk about cute stuff this time, but one minor uncute tangent is this corrections officer shit is getting old real fast. 0.99
00:22:46.000 I am a CO. 0.99
00:22:49.000 You know what I found behind the toilet the other day?
00:22:52.000 An iPad.
00:22:54.000 Because I go in knocking on the door, hey what are you doing in there?
00:22:56.000 Uh, what do you think?
00:22:59.000 You going poo?
00:23:00.000 Yeah!
00:23:01.000 I'd like some privacy!
00:23:02.000 I'm tempted to bust open the door.
00:23:05.000 But I don't.
00:23:06.000 And if I had, I would have caught contraband.
00:23:09.000 I would have caught an iPad.
00:23:11.000 I find a computer underneath another bathroom.
00:23:14.000 Underneath the laundry hamper.
00:23:15.000 Because it's raised off the ground a tiny bit.
00:23:17.000 Enough for a thin computer to slip in there.
00:23:20.000 Open that up.
00:23:21.000 Stranger things.
00:23:22.000 Still warm.
00:23:26.000 Find the other boy.
00:23:26.000 I get my phone.
00:23:28.000 I wake up at 7.30.
00:23:30.000 He's been up for an hour.
00:23:31.000 My battery's down.
00:23:32.000 He's been on.
00:23:33.000 I pick up my phone.
00:23:35.000 There's like 700 games on my phone.
00:23:37.000 I've never played.
00:23:38.000 I don't play video games.
00:23:41.000 Every time I hear silence, I have to sneak up.
00:23:44.000 And I have rules.
00:23:45.000 There's screen time.
00:23:46.000 Half an hour a day.
00:23:48.000 And if I catch you on your screen,
00:23:51.000 You lose screen time that night.
00:23:53.000 They still break the rules.
00:23:54.000 I'm like, I have to enforce this.
00:23:56.000 And then I'm the bad guy, right?
00:23:57.000 Because I'm the guy that takes your screens away.
00:23:59.000 And here's another spooky thing.
00:24:01.000 Is this affecting my daughter's social life?
00:24:04.000 Because these young girls, they are on their phones so much now, I'm talking about 12, 13, that it's in their hand like it's part of their body.
00:24:12.000 They run with it.
00:24:13.000 If they fall, they fall with it in their hand.
00:24:15.000 They eat with it in one hand.
00:24:18.000 I mean, it's like they have a human hand and an iPhone hand.
00:24:22.000 So they're constantly texting each other, and I let her bring it to school, so she probably cheats there.
00:24:27.000 But is it possible that when you tell her, you ban a kid from their phone, you cut them off from their circle of friends?
00:24:34.000 And then you go, well that sucks, because it's either she's isolated, because she's not communicating with the gang, or she has her phone stuck to her face at the age of 12.
00:24:48.000 Man, every time there's silence, someone's on a screen.
00:24:53.000 Even at night, I'll have to look, like I'll have to do my rounds, maybe an hour after bedtime.
00:24:59.000 Just go up and down the hallways.
00:25:01.000 I look for light below the crack of the door.
00:25:04.000 Sometimes I'll open the door.
00:25:06.000 Sometimes I'll see some rustling, and I'll go, someone looks like they just turned something off.
00:25:10.000 I'll go over to the Kindle, because you're not allowed to look at anything after bedtime.
00:25:15.000 It feels warm.
00:25:16.000 I caught you.
00:25:17.000 Constantly catching them!
00:25:21.000 Jeez Louise!
00:25:22.000 You know what I'm having done?
00:25:23.000 I'm building a lockbox.
00:25:25.000 We have a safe, but it's not big enough for computers and iPads and it doesn't have a power bar in it.
00:25:30.000 So I have a thing in my closet that has a plug and it's a perfect shape for a door.
00:25:36.000 So I'm going to build a... Actually I'm going to have a carpenter do it because I'm so bad at carpentry I would devalue my home.
00:25:42.000 We're gonna have a carpenter build a nice door with hinges and a key lock with like a deadbolt.
00:25:48.000 And I'll be the one with the keys. 1.00
00:25:50.000 Exactly like a fucking corrections officer! 0.99
00:25:55.000 Anyway, I don't want to discourage you from having kids, but it's amazing how much 1.00
00:26:01.000 Your job as a dad is just don't do that.
00:26:03.000 Don't sit there.
00:26:04.000 I tweeted this out, but I feel like a Paul Giamatti's version of Harvey Pekar.
00:26:09.000 Just constantly walk around the house scowling.
00:26:12.000 What are you doing?
00:26:13.000 Don't jump on the couch.
00:26:14.000 You have a play area downstairs.
00:26:15.000 You don't jump on the couch.
00:26:17.000 You sit down.
00:26:18.000 No, no, no.
00:26:19.000 And even eating.
00:26:20.000 You have to eat that.
00:26:21.000 You got to make sure they don't feed the dog.
00:26:23.000 Like, I got eyes in the back of my head.
00:26:25.000 I'm constantly up and down.
00:26:27.000 What was the bang?
00:26:28.000 What was that bang?
00:26:31.000 I'm so close to just taking a hammer to all these screens.
00:26:34.000 They're a curse.
00:26:36.000 And that's the funny part about civilization is we've gone too far ahead.
00:26:43.000 We're too advanced.
00:26:45.000 My parents' job wasn't denying me all these awesome things.
00:26:49.000 It was maybe buying me an awesome thing at Christmas.
00:26:52.000 Before that, awesome things didn't exist.
00:26:55.000 My dad just played soccer.
00:26:56.000 That was it.
00:26:57.000 He didn't have any toys.
00:26:59.000 In fact, one time his friends, he invited his friend over and he goes, Hey you, you want to come home and play with my toys?
00:27:05.000 Hi, alright.
00:27:06.000 I like going to someone's house to get old new toys.
00:27:08.000 You know, that's cool.
00:27:10.000 He goes there.
00:27:11.000 My dad's dad worked in a printing press and they had these sort of conical little wood stubs probably made of compressed sawdust.
00:27:19.000 No, no, back then they used real wood to hold the
00:27:22.000 The cylindrical paper rollers.
00:27:24.000 So just these little nubs that would hold it in place. 1.00
00:27:26.000 And then they would wear out and get thin and be, wouldn't be perfectly circular and probably jam up the machine so they would throw them out.
00:27:32.000 So my grandfather would bring them home to my dad. 0.98
00:27:35.000 So it's just a stupid, little, probably maple cone. 1.00
00:27:40.000 Cedar cone. 1.00
00:27:41.000 That's it.
00:27:42.000 A wood cone.
00:27:42.000 Just wood.
00:27:44.000 And his friend comes home and he goes, Jimmy, these aren't toys!
00:27:48.000 And it was the first day my dad realized, probably at like eight, that he didn't actually have any toys.
00:27:55.000 He had some garbage from a printing press.
00:27:57.000 But I often think he has a better, had a better childhood than me, and I had an awesome childhood by the way. 0.95
00:28:05.000 My childhood couldn't have been better.
00:28:07.000 Bicycles, we were near a park, I talked about this on another show, just like making jumps.
00:28:13.000 Even in Scotland, when we'd visit in the summer, it was fun.
00:28:16.000 When you're a little boy, you'd be playing with little boys.
00:28:18.000 When you're a teenager, you'd be trying to get girls.
00:28:20.000 And then there was the 12-13 phase.
00:28:21.000 You know what we were?
00:28:23.000 Messengers.
00:28:25.000 So there'd be, like, say you're 11, 10 or 11.
00:28:28.000 There'd be a group of girls who were becoming goddesses in your mind, here. 1.00
00:28:32.000 And then maybe a hundred feet away, there'd be a group of boys. 0.99
00:28:36.000 And they'd be pretending they don't give a crap about each other. 0.91
00:28:40.000 This is in Glasgow in the 80s. 0.97
00:28:42.000 And you'd come over and you'd go... I would just do a Scottish accent as a kid there because I didn't want to draw attention to myself.
00:28:48.000 I'd be like, what's going on there?
00:28:49.000 What are you on about?
00:28:51.000 And he says, see that lassie with the red hair? 0.93
00:28:54.000 Tell her that Craig likes her.
00:28:58.000 Or Craig's thinking about her.
00:29:00.000 So then I would run back to the girls and go, I think Craig likes which one of you?
00:29:05.000 She likes the one with the red hair.
00:29:07.000 And then she'd giggle, and then we just, we were the messenger men.
00:29:10.000 We were like those pages in the court, just running in the House of Commons, running back and forth, delivering messages, helping the older ones court.
00:29:16.000 It was like a Lord of the Flies society.
00:29:19.000 Parents never set it up for us, and it worked.
00:29:22.000 And then when we got older, back in Canada, we'd go to the arcade, meet girls, they'd smoke cigarettes.
00:29:30.000 Here, now, in 2018, you know, it's mostly cute moments.
00:29:34.000 I don't want to discourage you, again, from kids.
00:29:37.000 Most of it is adorable.
00:29:38.000 Those things about, I'm only giving my guys valentines.
00:29:41.000 That is 70% of parenting.
00:29:46.000 It's just great little quotes and seeing them do things and
00:29:49.000 Seeing your bigger boy play, you know baseball and get a home run and he's mr. Grand slam and that's awesome and your daughter with her Lessons, she's doing tap or whatever or she's in a play and then you go see the play and it's adorable That's most of it funny quotes. 0.96
00:30:04.000 We have this game not a game, but You ever have a really stupid thought like I was watching a commercial and I 0.98
00:30:15.000 I was watching a commercial and... Sorry, my mind just had a brain fart. 0.99
00:30:22.000 Oh yeah, I was watching a commercial and they say, one way you know that a cat's happy is it meows.
00:30:26.000 And our dog's name is Leroy.
00:30:28.000 And for a split second I got worried.
00:30:30.000 Oh, I wonder if Leroy's unhappy.
00:30:31.000 He never meows. 1.00
00:30:33.000 That's called stupid thought. 1.00
00:30:35.000 And the kids love those. 1.00
00:30:36.000 So I would wait till they got home from school and he goes, well I had the best stupid thought today. 0.99
00:30:40.000 And they have a good laugh. 0.98
00:30:41.000 You know, those little thoughts in your mind before it naturally corrects itself and tells you that a dog is not a cat?
00:30:48.000 That's the kind of stuff I talk about with my kids.
00:30:49.000 That's fun stuff.
00:30:51.000 Corrections officer, it's tedious, but it's not like it dominates a lot of time.
00:30:56.000 But...
00:30:58.000 A huge part of it is just trying to get them away from all the awesome stuff they have.
00:31:03.000 Get them away from all this technology.
00:31:05.000 Get them outside, you know, try to warrant a tiny bit of attrition so they can garner some of the assets of figuring it out yourself.
00:31:15.000 Like, trying to get them bored is a challenge.
00:31:20.000 You basically want to just lock them in a cement room until they figure out, you know, with a piece of chalk until they figure out a fun way to draw on the walls.
00:31:28.000 Even when we had a place upstate in the country, I would lock them outside.
00:31:32.000 I'd come back ten minutes later and they'd be still by the front door, just staring at the snow.
00:31:37.000 So, we've probably quadrupled our income every generation, the McInnes men. 0.98
00:31:45.000 Much more with me, I believe, than my dad.
00:31:47.000 But still, drastic increases in income.
00:31:50.000 But as far as childhood goes,
00:31:53.000 I'm scared to say the joy and thrill might be going down half every time.
00:32:00.000 The more, mo' money, mo' problems.
00:32:02.000 Mo' money, less bucolic childhood.
00:32:06.000 You know, I watched A Christmas Story and I see the bullies and fighting the bullies and stuff and I think, can I hire a bully?
00:32:14.000 Like, I want them to get into trouble.
00:32:16.000 I want the cops to bring them home sometimes, but that's all protected.
00:32:22.000 I'll just end this with my youngest, the one who valentines is for the guys.
00:32:26.000 He's got his gang, but there's this one dude who's pretty violent and sort of stamps on his foot and stuff. 0.62
00:32:31.000 Maybe it's like a baby gay and this is how he shows his affection or something. 0.98
00:32:36.000 He pinches my son on the back. 0.99
00:32:39.000 And I said, you take Tae Kwon Do, dude.
00:32:42.000 He's got like a, whatever, the white belt.
00:32:44.000 He's got a white belt in Tae Kwon Do.
00:32:46.000 That's another time you're not allowed to laugh.
00:32:48.000 When they show you their moves they learned, you have to go, oh jeez!
00:32:52.000 And you have to fall over and pretend it hurt.
00:32:56.000 Or he kicks you in the leg and you have to go, oh god!
00:32:58.000 What was that kick?
00:33:00.000 Where did you learn that? 0.99
00:33:02.000 Holy crap. 0.99
00:33:04.000 I don't know if I can walk. 0.99
00:33:06.000 And then he's all intense with his white belt on.
00:33:08.000 He's like, you know, 40 pounds, this little guy.
00:33:11.000 I can throw him across the road.
00:33:13.000 And he punches you in the stomach and you go, oh god!
00:33:17.000 And I go, you know Tae Kwon Do, you know all those moves.
00:33:20.000 If he hits you, you hit him back.
00:33:22.000 And he goes, no, we're not allowed.
00:33:24.000 You have to tell a teacher.
00:33:28.000 That's the modern rules.
00:33:29.000 We go by 70s rules.
00:33:32.000 Put him in the hospital.
00:33:34.000 Take him out.
00:33:35.000 We don't play those games.
00:33:38.000 But yeah, that's my goal as a dad, is to get them to play games, to play those games, to get them outside, to get them in trouble, to get them to experience the natural checks and balances of being a kid and making mistakes.
00:33:52.000 The majority of it is still incredibly cute.
00:33:55.000 Valentine's with the boys is one of the funniest things that's ever come across my desk.
00:34:02.000 But it is still very challenging, and that's got nothing to do with money.
00:34:06.000 In fact, money might be the biggest problem.
00:34:09.000 I like you more than a friend.
00:34:10.000 I'll see you on Friday.