Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - Get Off My Lawn Podcast #26 | You Ever Hear a Joke and You Go, "How is That a Joke?"

You ever hear a joke and you go, "How is that a joke?" and you think, "Well, that's not a joke" and then you try to riff about it? And you don't even get it? You're not riffing. You're just saying something wrong and people don't get it. You don't have to be funny. You can be funny when you're trying to be smart. And you can be smart when you know you're not funny. And that's the problem with jokes. They don't riff. They just say something wrong. And sometimes you know no one's going to get your joke, but you just say it anyway. And it's not funny because it's stupid. It's stupid because you're just trying to do something right and it's dumb and you're doing it wrong. You know, like at the hardware store, where a kid asks for a coloring book and you say, "Why don't you get this one?" and the kid says, "Uh, why not?" And you're like, "Oh, I don't know, this one's only two bucks and I'm not going to buy it." And you say "Why not?" and he's like, well, what are you doing it anyway? And the answer is, "It's a joke." and you don t riff? or something else? And he doesn't get the joke? And then you say it? and the joke is not funny, and you do it again? And you re not funny? or you re just not funny or not funny and it s funny? And it s not funny enough? You don t have a problem with that? ? you re funny, right? You re not getting the joke you need to riff, you re too much money? you just don t get it yet? Or are you just aren t funny enough to riff to riff? Or do you have to riff in a taxi or you just keep riffing to get a joke? What s your problem with my problem with the jokes you re trying to riff or do you get my jokes? Do you have a big problem with them? I ll tell me what s funny or don t you re you not funny to riffing? (I ll give me a compliment or not getting it? I ll give you a little bit of your jokes, I ll let you a compliment?

00:00:00.000 You ever hear a joke and you go, how is that a joke?

00:00:06.000 I mean, there's a lot of variances of this.

00:00:07.000 Sometimes someone will have an insult and you go, that's not an insult, that is actually what I believe and that is what I said or that is what I'd like to do.

00:00:18.000 That's not what I'm talking about.

00:00:19.000 That's just like people trying to be funny when they get the target wrong or they get the background wrong.

00:00:24.000 I'm talking about jokes where you just go,

00:00:27.000 You've got the cadence and everything down, but you're not riffing.

00:00:33.000 And I've noticed this happen more and more, especially now that I live in the suburbs.

00:00:37.000 There was this kid the other day at the hardware store, and she goes to get a coloring book.

00:00:44.000 You know, those last minute impulse buys.

00:00:47.000 So she reaches back and she grabs a comic, and the mom goes, yeah, whatever. 1.00

00:00:52.000 That's the price you've got to pay for taking a kid to a hardware store. 1.00

00:00:55.000 You've got to give them a little stupid thing. 1.00

00:00:59.000 And he goes, some guy in line, like some construction worker, right? 1.00

00:01:03.000 White guy, normal guy. 0.70

00:01:05.000 You know, when I say white guy, I mean this wasn't some illegal who didn't get the culture.

00:01:09.000 And he goes, hey, why don't you get this one?

00:01:14.000 And I look at the coloring book she has, and it's just, it says Americana or something, and it's stars and stripes, whatever, you know, nothing special, just Susan B. Anthony.

00:01:24.000 It's patriotic, old-timey, themed pictures that you color, right?

00:01:30.000 And then he's laughing, and he's grabbing a Norman Rockwell coloring book.

00:01:36.000 In other words, the exact same thing.

00:01:40.000 How is that a joke?

00:01:42.000 What are you doing?

00:01:45.000 I get the rapport.

00:01:46.000 Like, even if he grabbed, I don't know, like a blank pad?

00:01:52.000 Like a stenographer's notebook?

00:01:54.000 And he said, why don't you get her this?

00:01:55.000 That's horribly unfunny.

00:01:58.000 But at least there's a joke there.

00:02:00.000 The joke is, save money, you know, don't have fancy pictures, this one's only two bucks.

00:02:05.000 That would have been a better joke.

00:02:06.000 Yeah, this is only two bucks.

00:02:08.000 I mean, that's still terrible!

00:02:10.000 But at least it's in the realm of joke.

00:02:13.000 I'm realizing, as I get older, joking is unusual.

00:02:17.000 I like riffing.

00:02:19.000 And people just don't do it.

00:02:20.000 Like, today I was in that awkward time of day where you don't want to have a lunch and ruin your dinner with the kids, because I think it's very important to have dinner with your family.

00:02:31.000 But you're starving.

00:02:32.000 So you go, I'll get like a bag of Cheetos and a Snickers bar.

00:02:36.000 That should tide me over.

00:02:37.000 Snickers really satisfies.

00:02:39.000 What does my son call it?

00:02:40.000 My Sniggles.

00:02:44.000 Um, so I'm there and there's an old Chinese guy, not old, my age.

00:02:50.000 So yeah, old.

00:02:52.000 And uh, he's got lottery tickets and someone just filled out their lottery tickets and people are looking and they're reading like, what's the lottery this, this day? 0.98

00:03:00.000 And I just, I said to the guy, uh, people in there, fucking lottery tickets, huh? 0.99

00:03:06.000 You're not gonna win! 0.99

00:03:08.000 Do any of them have calculators at home?

00:03:11.000 And he looks at me, and I think he just assumes I'm on a call, and he can't see the headphones, because he doesn't even look up.

00:03:18.000 He doesn't even acknowledge me.

00:03:19.000 You know, that reminds me of another time I was at a store, and this time it was an Indian immigrant buying the cash.

00:03:26.000 And sometimes you know no one's going to get your joke, but you just say it anyway.

00:03:30.000 And so the guy goes, can I interest you in a lottery ticket, buddy?

00:03:33.000 On this time, on this day?

00:03:35.000 And I said, no thank you! 1.00

00:03:37.000 I won't be paying my stupid tax today! 0.99

00:03:41.000 And as I say that I look over and there's a nice middle-aged black man in a suit with a trench coat over top and that's relevant because it it shows he's like trying you know what I mean this isn't some dumb miscreant this is like a family man who has a job and is working hard as an American and he's on a little sort of a countertop and he must have seven 0.99

00:04:07.000 In front of him, sort of scratching them. 0.99

00:04:09.000 And we sort of met eyes right after I yelled, stupid tax. 1.00

00:04:13.000 And I sort of went, not you, you're going to win! 1.00

00:04:18.000 At least those are jokes though.

00:04:21.000 But a lot of people don't want to riff.

00:04:24.000 You try to riff in a taxi, you try to riff, that's my big problem with immigrants, they don't get my jokes. 1.00

00:04:31.000 Try to riff with doctors, that's a nightmare. 0.93

00:04:35.000 They don't know any jokes.

00:04:36.000 They don't understand.

00:04:37.000 They're like Data from Star Trek.

00:04:39.000 Why are you making a joking sound with your face?

00:04:41.000 You have to be pretty advanced if you want to just joke with strangers.

00:04:47.000 Nick Swarzen and David Cross used to mess with strangers on a regular basis.

00:04:53.000 Stop me if I've told you this one before.

00:04:56.000 One time they got into an elevator.

00:04:58.000 I think they did this regularly, actually.

00:05:00.000 They get into an elevator, and Nick would already be in the elevator.

00:05:04.000 I guess he'd be waiting around in it.

00:05:06.000 And David would get on, and... Oh no, David would already be in the elevator, and Nick would get on.

00:05:11.000 No.

00:05:12.000 Jesus, I'm not doing a good job at this, am I?

00:05:15.000 I've become that old man who can't tell jokes.

00:05:20.000 Yeah, okay, so Nick's already in the elevator.

00:05:22.000 David comes in.

00:05:23.000 And Nick goes, uh, what floor?

00:05:25.000 Cause he's, it's crowded in there.

00:05:27.000 And David goes, uh, 13.

00:05:28.000 And then Nick pushes 3.

00:05:30.000 And he goes, uh, 13.

00:05:31.000 30?

00:05:32.000 And then he pushes 30.

00:05:33.000 And he goes, 13!

00:05:34.000 And he goes, I don't know, I can't understand you!

00:05:37.000 And he goes, what do you mean you can't understand me?

00:05:39.000 So then he hits 33.

00:05:40.000 And he goes, 33?!

00:05:41.000 What are you doing?!

00:05:43.000 And then David just loses his temper and he goes, and David just goes, YOU KNOW WHAT?!

00:05:47.000 FUCK THIS! 1.00

00:05:48.000 And he just gets out on the next floor, and then Nick pretends to be really hurt by this, really verklempt. 1.00

00:05:55.000 And he goes, jeez.

00:06:00.000 And then the guy next to Nick goes, don't worry about it, buddy.

00:06:03.000 We don't need him.

00:06:07.000 Is that the greatest response of all time?

00:06:11.000 We don't need it.

00:06:12.000 Where are we going?

00:06:13.000 Are we shooting out of the top of this building and soaring through the heavens like Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory?

00:06:20.000 What do you mean we?

00:06:21.000 We're a we now?

00:06:22.000 We're a team?

00:06:24.000 Are we stranded on a desert elevator and he somehow took off in a raft and now we have to fend for ourselves without our coconuts fire expert?

00:06:38.000 But those are two comedians in their peak, that story, having fun messing with strangers.

00:06:44.000 I'm alone in the burbs most of the time, and in the city.

00:06:48.000 You know, going to and from work is where one would get up to some filling in the void with some riffs.

00:06:54.000 And I'm realizing that maybe five, I think

00:06:59.000 I think 30% of the country appreciates comedy, enjoys funny stuff.

00:07:05.000 But only 5% is capable of it.

00:07:08.000 And there's another 70% there that don't understand it. 1.00

00:07:11.000 It's like gay sex. 1.00

00:07:13.000 Like, uh, I understand people like it, but I do not get it. 0.99

00:07:18.000 So half the time when I'm making a joke, it's like I'm coming up to someone and saying, would you like to French with me, sir?

00:07:25.000 So here's an example of one of the weirdest ones.

00:07:29.000 I'm buying coffee.

00:07:32.000 I'm buying a sandwich and a coffee.

00:07:34.000 And I also buy a bunch of drinks.

00:07:40.000 I can't remember why.

00:07:41.000 Oh yeah, I was faking peeing on something for a music video.

00:07:45.000 So I needed a bunch of orange juices, because we're going to do a bunch of takes, and apple juices.

00:07:50.000 I was going to make a concoction that looked like pee.

00:07:53.000 So I've got three orange juices and two apple juices.

00:07:57.000 I put them on the counter because I don't want to take, it's a big bag of juices.

00:08:01.000 I don't want to take up the whole counter by the couch.

00:08:03.000 He hasn't got a lot of room over there.

00:08:04.000 So I put it over on the counter.

00:08:06.000 And then he goes, everyone always does that, always leaving the drinks over there.

00:08:10.000 They're scared I'm going to drink them?

00:08:12.000 And I go, yeah, you look thirsty.

00:08:15.000 I don't want my drinks around you.

00:08:18.000 And then he says, ah, it is what it is.

00:08:22.000 Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

00:08:24.000 The joke was that we're not leaving the drinks here out of our courtesy to not take up your space.

00:08:32.000 We're leaving the drinks here because you're a drink stealer and you're gonna gobble them up. 1.00

00:08:38.000 God, I just realized my dink kinda hurts, and I had the spiciest burrito of my life tonight. 1.00

00:08:43.000 This must have been from when I went pee.

00:08:45.000 This is the great thing about being married. 1.00

00:08:47.000 Every time there's something unusual happen to your penis, you know it's not some slut from Lit or Max Fish. 1.00

00:08:55.000 You know it's your burrito that gave you the STD. 1.00

00:09:00.000 Anyway, uh, so the, the, the, what's the word?

00:09:03.000 The pretext for this scenario, this world that the joke lives in, is that you're a voracious drink stealer.

00:09:12.000 And I'm scared.

00:09:13.000 No, we're all scared of you.

00:09:14.000 That's why we never bring our drinks to the counter.

00:09:16.000 But then, when you said it is what it is, now it's, you're acting like your feelings are actually hurt.

00:09:26.000 I didn't bring the drinks to the counter because I didn't want to take up space.

00:09:30.000 I'm not literally actually scared you're going to steal my drinks.

00:09:33.000 I don't care if they're your drinks until I pay for them.

00:09:36.000 You want to chug my OJ?

00:09:38.000 Fine.

00:09:38.000 I'll go get a different OJ.

00:09:40.000 They're your OJ.

00:09:41.000 It's your stock.

00:09:43.000 So why did you say it is what it is?

00:09:46.000 And half the time when this happens, you kind of just want to stop.

00:09:50.000 Timeout.

00:09:51.000 Timeout.

00:09:51.000 Stop.

00:09:52.000 Everyone, excuse me.

00:09:53.000 I'm going to be in the lineup for a second here.

00:09:55.000 Why did you say it is what it is?

00:09:57.000 It's like the Larry David in you.

00:10:00.000 Why are you throwing up your hands and going, oh well, people are scared of me, I can't do anything about it.

00:10:07.000 That's the character, not you!

00:10:13.000 It's really confusing, and then you realize, oh, I think it's people who don't riff trying to riff.

00:10:19.000 And the riff is going too long, and they're bluffing.

00:10:23.000 Like, say you were an eight-year-old, and you had a leather jacket on, and your hair is slicked back, and you're talking to a hot chick, and you had no idea what you're saying, and you go, babe, I like what I see.

00:10:33.000 And she goes, oh, good, let's make out.

00:10:35.000 And you went, uh-oh, I have no idea what I'm doing here.

00:10:39.000 I've actually written down some of these in my phone because it's happened quite a bit.

00:10:47.000 In one ear, out the other.

00:10:49.000 Oh yeah!

00:10:50.000 That was another thing.

00:10:51.000 I was at a meeting with a bunch of guys.

00:10:55.000 Excuse me.

00:10:57.000 Yeah.

00:10:59.000 They're explaining like, OK, so what we're going to be doing next week is we're going to be coming up with donations for the nuns and we're going to be doing this.

00:11:07.000 And then one guy goes, all right, are you going to send this to us in an email or something?

00:11:12.000 And he goes, yeah.

00:11:19.000 Sorry, I'm reading my own notes here, and the problem with writing notes to yourself over the course of several weeks is they make no sense.

00:11:25.000 This guy said, I hope you send us an email, because what you say now is going to one end and out the other.

00:11:29.000 And then the other guy goes, Ha ha ha ha ha, yes!

00:11:35.000 Why is that funny?

00:11:37.000 He's saying what we're all thinking, which is, I'm not going to be able to remember all this, dude.

00:11:43.000 And the guy says, yes, I'll send you an email.

00:11:45.000 Then you laugh your head off?

00:11:49.000 Are you on nitrous oxide?

00:11:50.000 How is that funny?

00:11:52.000 Oh yeah, I remember this one.

00:11:53.000 Okay, this note says, at least you're not crying.

00:11:56.000 Oh, my hair keeps growing, you know what I mean?

00:11:58.000 So, I'm at the barber.

00:12:00.000 This is another example.

00:12:01.000 I'm at the barber, and my guy, black dude, yes, I have black friends, my barber, is a smart guy. 0.79

00:12:11.000 He's kind of an Alex Jones guy, which freaks everyone out because he's black.

00:12:15.000 But the guy next to him, great guy, he's a Yankees fan, I won't hold that against him, but a very chatty guy.

00:12:23.000 And by the way, there's a thing with barbers. 0.99

00:12:25.000 It's like prostitutes. 1.00

00:12:27.000 I'm with my client. 1.00

00:12:28.000 I'm with my sex worker.

00:12:30.000 You have your guy over there. 0.89

00:12:32.000 You deal with your guy.

00:12:33.000 But this guy's doing crossover kind of a stuff.

00:12:36.000 Which is weird. 0.93

00:12:38.000 That's like a prostitute coming into your room and going, So what's happening? 0.99

00:12:42.000 You guys horsing around yet? 1.00

00:12:43.000 You going around the world?

00:12:44.000 What are the deals here?

00:12:45.000 Using a condom?

00:12:46.000 Excuse me?

00:12:47.000 You deal with you.

00:12:51.000 Anyway, I haven't seen the back of my head in about a hundred years. 0.65

00:12:55.000 Occasionally I'll get a glimpse of it in photos and I'll notice, holy crap, I'm very thin in the back.

00:12:59.000 Not quite bald, but definitely... You notice, when you're my age, you notice it's raining and certain raindrops feel real cold.

00:13:10.000 And this is one of those cold, I mean, I was going to say, this is one of those cold raindrops.

00:13:14.000 What the hell am I talking about?

00:13:15.000 No, this is one of those moments where you realize you're bald.

00:13:18.000 So he's doing this sort of a circle thing, you know, where he shows you with the mirror and you can see the back.

00:13:23.000 And what are you going to, when was the last time you saw and you went, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:13:27.000 I didn't know the back was going to look like that.

00:13:30.000 Uh, get back to work, Barbara. 1.00

00:13:32.000 100% of the time you go, yep.

00:13:34.000 Looks good.

00:13:35.000 Let's go.

00:13:35.000 Thank you.

00:13:36.000 You're itching to get out of there. 0.89

00:13:37.000 I'm not black.

00:13:39.000 I like my haircuts to be 15-20 minutes at the most. 0.73

00:13:43.000 You go to a black barber shop, they're waiting for hours.

00:13:47.000 And then the haircut, which you just had three days ago, especially Dominicans up in Washington Heights, the haircut will be like an hour and a half. 0.99

00:13:55.000 And it's just like cutting hair that was already cut three days ago.

00:13:59.000 The amount of haircuts that go on in Washington Heights, that should be a documentary.

00:14:03.000 Barbershop culture there.

00:14:05.000 It's amazing.

00:14:06.000 And you sound racist when you talk about it because most people haven't been up there and they don't know what they're doing, but I know a dude who's gonna open a barbershop up there and the competition is insane.

00:14:14.000 Anyway, sorry, long time to get to this.

00:14:18.000 Okay, one other quick tangent.

00:14:20.000 I'm at this bar in the neighborhood.

00:14:21.000 This is in the suburbs.

00:14:23.000 And this guy, I don't know him, and we're talking through another guy.

00:14:26.000 So we're not talking to each other, but the guy in the middle will make a joke and he'll comment and I'll comment.

00:14:30.000 It's almost like a threesome.

00:14:32.000 And then the guy in the middle leaves to go pee.

00:14:34.000 He's gone for a long time.

00:14:36.000 I don't feel like talking to the guy.

00:14:39.000 He said something that pissed me off.

00:14:42.000 He walked into the bar, and the guy I'm with, who's an old dude, probably like 65, he says, uh-oh, everyone's silent now, when the guy walked in.

00:14:52.000 And then the guy goes, why, because I'm a dad?

00:14:55.000 Dude, we're in the burps.

00:14:59.000 100% of us are dads.

00:15:00.000 What kind of joke is that?

00:15:03.000 Oh, I guess you guys are freaked out because Dad's here.

00:15:05.000 Me and Molly's about 30.

00:15:06.000 Dude, I got kids out the wazoo. 0.83

00:15:09.000 We all do.

00:15:10.000 There's people here whose kids have kids.

00:15:13.000 And now you're showing off that you... So that rubbed me the wrong way.

00:15:16.000 So anyway, we don't talk until the guy comes back.

00:15:20.000 And then we have a minor rapport via him, but never a one-on-one.

00:15:24.000 And I don't think I say goodbye to him.

00:15:27.000 Fine.

00:15:30.000 That day, when I'm about to tell you about this weird quote, this weird non-joke, that guy sits in the barber chair next to me.

00:15:36.000 Now, I'm racist, in the sense that all white people in the suburbs look the same to me, so I'll meet the same mom, same woman, like 30 times, and have no idea who she is. 0.71

00:15:46.000 I instantly forget what they look like.

00:15:47.000 They all have, like I'm used to, sorry, this is gonna sound terrible, but I'm used to hipsterdom, where one guy has an eye patch and the other wears a purple top hat, and this is called

00:15:56.000 Beardless Eddie, and this guy wears epaulettes.

00:15:58.000 He's a 19th century, uh, what do you call him?

00:16:02.000 A dandy.

00:16:04.000 You know, he's got suspenders on.

00:16:05.000 Everyone wears the same quilted vest here.

00:16:07.000 I'm not disparaging them.

00:16:09.000 I'm just saying there's a lot more homogeneity here.

00:16:12.000 They have the same quilted vest, same jeans, same boots, same Gucci loafers.

00:16:20.000 And the same hair do.

00:16:21.000 So I'm sorry, but all of you look very similar to me, and I forget.

00:16:25.000 And when you don't do anything crazy, I'm used to guys that, like, Joe Coleman bites the heads off mice. 0.99

00:16:30.000 I sound like a total asshole right now. 1.00

00:16:32.000 I'm used to fucking intense artists, man. 1.00

00:16:35.000 You're not even an artist. 1.00

00:16:36.000 Can you paint? 1.00

00:16:38.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:16:41.000 But I have been spoiled with very particular-looking people in my neighborhood for a long time. 1.00

00:16:45.000 There was Oscar the Grouch, there was Ernie and Bert.

00:16:49.000 There was even very few humans.

00:16:51.000 So now that I've left Sesame Street, I don't recognize people.

00:16:55.000 So he sits down next to me, and I don't notice that it's him, and he doesn't say anything.

00:17:00.000 Like he could have just said, hey, dude from the bar last night.

00:17:04.000 So now, and then after the first two minutes of silence, you can't go, you can't say, wait a minute, are you?

00:17:10.000 In fact, I didn't realize until I think he got up, so I'd have to sort of get up with my barber, like, blanket on, and go over and go, wait a minute, are you the guy that was at that thing last, and that's, now that's gay. 0.97

00:17:22.000 So anyway, sorry. 0.97

00:17:23.000 Totally useless talent. 0.95

00:17:26.000 I have a useless talent, but that was a useless tangent. 0.96

00:17:29.000 And I said to my barber, when he showed me the back, my hair is so long, like if I comb my hair forward, it goes down to my chin.

00:17:36.000 So I have a comb-over, I guess, I just realized.

00:17:38.000 I have a comb-over, a 2018 comb-over.

00:17:42.000 Same as my dad did in 1975.

00:17:45.000 And, uh, I comb it all back like Trump and I show him and I go, wow, you're really doing a good job.

00:17:51.000 Um, but I just, you know, I just keep going bald.

00:17:56.000 And, uh, and then the barber next to him goes, well, at least you're not like, oh no, my hair keeps growing.

00:18:02.000 You know what I mean?

00:18:06.000 Pardon?

00:18:09.000 What person has ever come into a barbershop and go, hey guys, my hair keeps growing!

00:18:17.000 This is what I mean with the coloring book guy.

00:18:19.000 He had the cadence of a joke, and it was like da-da-da-da-da-da-da!

00:18:24.000 You know what I mean?

00:18:26.000 Yeah, but that's not a thing.

00:18:28.000 Men get annoyed when they go bald. 0.99

00:18:30.000 It sucks. 0.99

00:18:31.000 You go down a point. 1.00

00:18:32.000 If you're a 7, you become a 6.

00:18:34.000 But no man has ever walked into a barbershop and said, my hair keeps growing.

00:18:40.000 Do men even have different rates of hair growth?

00:18:44.000 Are there guys that have to go in for a haircut?

00:18:46.000 I've heard of beards growing in really fast, and guys having to shave once a day, and they still get 5 o'clock shadow.

00:18:51.000 I've heard of that.

00:18:51.000 But like, head hair?

00:18:56.000 I have more examples of weird jokes.

00:19:04.000 I told dry cleaner not to peek.

00:19:06.000 She had no intention of peeking.

00:19:08.000 I don't know what that was.

00:19:12.000 Don't peek.

00:19:13.000 She had no intention of peeking.

00:19:15.000 I think I... I don't know what that joke is.

00:19:20.000 I guess I was dropping off my laundry and I told the woman not to peek and she didn't. 0.99

00:19:23.000 You gotta be really...

00:19:25.000 Really descriptive in your laughs.

00:19:28.000 I mean in your notes when you're talking about riffing because when someone comes back at them, especially I was an alcoholic up until Lent, which is today.

00:19:37.000 By the way, I'm pre-taping these podcasts because I'm taking a week off.

00:19:42.000 Um, so today is actually Lent.

00:19:43.000 You're hearing this many days later.

00:19:45.000 But, uh, I was a drunk when I wrote these.

00:19:48.000 I haven't been drinking since Wednesday.

00:19:50.000 It's actually Wednesday now, so I haven't been drinking all day.

00:19:52.000 But by the time you hear this, I won't have been drinking for like three or four days.

00:19:58.000 So, but when you're a big drinker, your notes have to be very precise.

00:20:02.000 I should probably stop reading these notes.

00:20:04.000 Uh, okay.

00:20:06.000 I think I got the last one here.

00:20:07.000 Brit guy talking about the dole?

00:20:09.000 Oh no, that's another thing.

00:20:10.000 Alright, last one.

00:20:11.000 Joked with basketball ref, he was missing the game.

00:20:14.000 The kids can wing it for a bit.

00:20:15.000 So, uh, my kid's playing basketball, and there's the ref there for the whole game, and I see him at a diner.

00:20:22.000 We drop the kids off at, like, 10 o'clock, but the game is until 10.30.

00:20:27.000 But the kids don't get to practice much, because, you know, the suburbs are spread out.

00:20:32.000 And we don't really take basketball seriously.

00:20:34.000 It's baseball we all take seriously.

00:20:36.000 So we drop him off half an hour early, then you go, you know, grab a BLT or whatever.

00:20:39.000 It's weird to watch a kid practice.

00:20:41.000 It's like watching a kid play.

00:20:42.000 How's the playing going?

00:20:44.000 That's my boy.

00:20:45.000 Throw it to your friend.

00:20:47.000 Good.

00:20:49.000 So I go get a BLT or something.

00:20:51.000 And I see the ref there.

00:20:52.000 And I, I don't know, I kind of forgot that we're doing this. 0.97

00:20:57.000 Or I assumed he'd be there for the practice, which was dumb. 0.96

00:20:59.000 I'm actually probably explaining why my jokes suck in this case. 0.95

00:21:03.000 But I said...

00:21:04.000 I said, uh, shouldn't you be reffing the game?

00:21:08.000 And he goes, no, no, no.

00:21:08.000 The little kid's starting to go, oh, I get it.

00:21:10.000 I get it.

00:21:10.000 Just let the kids wing it for a bit.

00:21:12.000 How bad can it be?

00:21:13.000 I thought it was kind of a funny concept that a ref would miss, you know, the first quarter of a basketball game.

00:21:18.000 And then he's chewing and he goes, they haven't started yet, so that's not going to happen.

00:21:22.000 And I sort of went, OK, yeah, I know.

00:21:25.000 And then they make you commit the sin.

00:21:27.000 Sorry.

00:21:30.000 They make you commit the sin of saying just kidding.

00:21:33.000 Which, every time you say just kidding, an angel in funny heaven loses her gorgeous wings. 0.99

00:21:42.000 And she's just moping around cloud to cloud. 0.99

00:21:45.000 Alone.

00:21:46.000 Scared.

00:21:47.000 Devoid of trust.

00:21:49.000 Lost.

00:21:51.000 Because of you.

00:21:53.000 Because of what you did. 0.99

00:21:56.000 Now there's other times when you're with riffers, and it's a fucking blast! 0.99

00:22:01.000 Like Kumiya. 0.98

00:22:03.000 Kumiya is... You know what makes Grabbing Beards with Kumiya fun? 0.73

00:22:07.000 He's so enthusiastic.

00:22:08.000 A lot of comedians, you meet them outside of comedy land, and they're really dull.

00:22:15.000 And boring.

00:22:17.000 And sometimes there's both, that they're depressed and sad and unbelievably hilarious.

00:22:23.000 One time I was at this bar called the Rustic Inn in LA, and I was surrounded by the funniest people on earth.

00:22:29.000 Like Fred Armisen, the black dude from Hot Tub Time Machine, Jay Johnson, I think David Cross was there.

00:22:40.000 Just like seven of the funniest people on a circular table.

00:22:45.000 All riffing and being unbelievably hilarious.

00:22:50.000 And this is normal for them, I guess.

00:22:51.000 I mean, this would be the... I have no respect for comedians.

00:22:54.000 I think it's a stupid job. 1.00

00:22:55.000 Especially when you're not the top of your game. 1.00

00:22:57.000 Like, Louis C.K.

00:22:58.000 doesn't have to do much work.

00:22:59.000 But these guys who drive around a Honda Civic going from town to town? 1.00

00:23:03.000 Yeah, but they get mad pussy. 1.00

00:23:05.000 Okay, congratulations. 1.00

00:23:07.000 That's sad to me, sleeping in a hotel room by yourself in Arkansas.

00:23:12.000 But, it would be cool when you get drinks in L.A.

00:23:16.000 and you're hanging out with hilarious people at all times.

00:23:18.000 I see the appeal there.

00:23:20.000 That's fun.

00:23:21.000 I'm rarely surrounded with seven people that are as hilarious as the G-O-G, the Gavin Original Gangster.

00:23:30.000 One time we were doing that and then Fred Armisen gets up and he goes, I gotta go guys.

00:23:35.000 And I was like, what?

00:23:36.000 I mean, this wasn't exciting to him.

00:23:38.000 So he, it was nothing for him to leave.

00:23:40.000 I go, why are you going?

00:23:42.000 We're just getting started here.

00:23:43.000 The riffs are, are on fire.

00:23:45.000 This table should be made of asbestos.

00:23:48.000 And he said, uh, oh, I'm playing Grand Theft Auto, and I'm at that part where you jump off the building on the helicopter, and I go, please tell me you're kidding.

00:23:57.000 And he goes, what?

00:23:59.000 No, I really am there.

00:24:00.000 Like, all comedians play video games, because you have the whole day to kill. 1.00

00:24:03.000 That whole thing about writing jokes, that's horse shit. 1.00

00:24:07.000 They just kill time all day. 0.99

00:24:09.000 That's why so many of them are alcoholics, because at least being hungover is something to do that day.

00:24:14.000 And he really was at that stage.

00:24:16.000 And then everyone else at the table goes, Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:24:20.000 That's great.

00:24:21.000 No, no, that's really hard.

00:24:22.000 It's really hard.

00:24:23.000 What you got to do?

00:24:23.000 Yeah, that took me like an hour to do that running jump thing.

00:24:28.000 And he left.

00:24:32.000 So I'm stuck here, in the world, wondering how to riff, and I'm pretty good at it, I have to toot my own horn, because I come from Quebec, where if you want to riff, you don't know if the person is French or English.

00:24:47.000 So, you know that thing where you go to the right, and they go to the right, and you go to the left, and they go to the left?

00:24:51.000 I remember doing that at Banque de Montréal, and I was like right, left, and then I go, you're just burning doing the Neutron dance.

00:25:02.000 And then I had to think of that in French, and my French has faded since then, but it was something like, which they wouldn't get, because that's a Pointer Sisters song, I think from Beverly Hills Cop II.

00:25:17.000 And you'd have to get right in the right epoch for a French person to understand, because they're not really into English culture. 0.99

00:25:23.000 So I come from a province where all your riffs have to be done twice, and one of them has to be in a different language.

00:25:31.000 But you come to a city with foreigners, and doctors, and dentists, and people who don't understand humor, and you go, I don't know how to riff. 1.00

00:25:44.000 Which is weird because New Yorkers are so funny.

00:25:47.000 Like there's areas, you go to say the Bronx, the north part of the Bronx where all the cops, retired cops live, they're all funny and mean.

00:26:00.000 Which brings me to another subject.

00:26:02.000 I might make this into another podcast.

00:26:04.000 I gotta make these short I'm afraid, kiddies, because I'm recording four in a week and I just, you only have that much mojo in you.

00:26:12.000 I guess the moral of this story, I'm going to have to wrap it up.

00:26:14.000 Sorry, this is a short one.

00:26:15.000 I guess the moral of this story is, if you're not funny, don't riff.

00:26:20.000 Like Chloe Sevigny, I've hung out with her a few times.

00:26:24.000 She's not funny, but she appreciates humor.

00:26:27.000 So she'll laugh her head off when you're funny because she gets it, but she doesn't really know how to riff.

00:26:33.000 And I think those kind of people, they like being around funny people.

00:26:36.000 Like Natasha Lyonne is one of these people who's just,

00:26:40.000 Zinger after zinger after zinger.

00:26:41.000 Quality jokes.

00:26:43.000 So Chloe and her get along great because one is a perfect funny person and the other is a connoisseur of funniness.

00:26:55.000 But the rest of you guys saying just grab this coloring book or it is what it is.

00:27:01.000 I don't understand what you're doing.

00:27:03.000 Why are you wasting your time? 1.00

00:27:05.000 You're like, like a retard in many ways. 1.00

00:27:09.000 My girlfriend when I was living in Quebec when I was like 20, she was 18, and she was insanely hot. 0.99

00:27:16.000 She looked like Beatrice Dahl and Betty Blue.

00:27:18.000 And she would dress slutty, too, like knee-high socks and stuff. 0.99

00:27:22.000 And, uh, a retard walked into the store she was managing, a retail store, and he said, Salut! 0.99

00:27:29.000 And then he said, like, J'aime qu'est-ce que je veux, or something, je vois. 0.94

00:27:34.000 It was French for, I like what I see.

00:27:39.000 That's the thing about Down Syndrome.

00:27:41.000 You have a big ego.

00:27:45.000 Anyway dudes, I'm beat.

00:27:48.000 I've been recording stuff for this week off and I'm out of juice.

00:27:55.000 I'm sorry.

00:27:56.000 I guess I should have written more notes.

00:27:57.000 I'll just spend the rest of the time apologizing for not having more examples of people making jokes that don't make sense.

00:28:04.000 But please, please write them down and submit them to me.

00:28:07.000 My email is Gavin at CRTV.com

00:28:11.000 And when these people make these jokes that make no sense, please go not aggressive, but go just curious Larry David.

00:28:20.000 Sometimes, by the way, you can do an accent and you could say like, excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm not from this country.

00:28:25.000 I couldn't help but notice that you said to the child, why not grab this coloring book?

00:28:30.000 I am learning about American culture.

00:28:33.000 How is this coloring book different than the coloring book that she did grab?

00:28:37.000 And he'll probably just he'll probably just be unable to explain it to you because it's unexplained.

00:28:41.000 It's inexplicable But it would be nice to hear their explanations The next podcast I'm gonna do is about being a black man for a day I was black for a day, and I'm gonna tell you all about it

Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - February 20, 2018

Get Off My Lawn Podcast #26 | You Ever Hear a Joke and You Go, "How is That a Joke?"

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