Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - March 02, 2018


Get Off My Lawn Podcast #29 | You Have to Make Your Own Culture

Topics
high school culture rules fuck school making hazing-like rituals healthy wedging Colin gambling
Hosted by
Gavin McInnes
Mentioned
Digger Jeff Tarrant Skeeter Jake Burkhardt Joseph Kellogg John Oliver Rick Lull Brad Pitt Hammond Young Steve Jerry Seinfeld Derek Beckles Tom Williams George Brett Craig Fraser Tammy Conkle Danger Bay Knoxville Gavin and 39 more
Get Off My Lawn #91 | What the Hell Happened to Heather Locklear Get Off My Lawn #92 | Trump Up in Arms

Episode Stats


Length

1 hour and 13 minutes

Words per minute

180.14

Word count

13,240

Sentence count

1,179

Harmful content

Misogyny

47

sentences flagged

Toxicity

261

sentences flagged

Hate speech

55

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

High school was supposed to be a fun place to grow up, but it was a dumpster fire of a place where you got a bunch of stupid rules and rules were passed down from one generation to the next. I remember when I was in high school and how much fun we had. Now that I'm a dad, I can see why it's not so much fun anymore. High school is a waste of time and money, and the teachers are retarded. I'll tell you what's worse, they don't teach you anything. They teach you Marxist garbage. I'm taking my kid out of school next week to take him to spring training, and I don't give a shit that he's missing school. What do they learn? What are they learning? And what do they do with the rest of the time they have to do with it? I mean, what are they learn from it? And why is it so boring and boring? And how do they teach it in the first place? I ll tell you a little bit about what they learn in school, and why they should be doing it in a better way. I ll give you my opinion on it, and maybe you can learn something from it. I'll give you some tips on how you can improve your own education and get a better high school experience, too. Enjoy! - Tom Long Tom Long - "Out from the Backwards" - "Backwards" by Tom Long, "Backbone" by Jake Burkhardt "Out From the Backbone by Jake Burkehardt, "The Working Class" by "The Left by the Right by the "Working Class" by "Buckets by the Union by the Working Class by the Unions by the Left by Tom Burkehardt and "The Union by The Unions" by Bill McKinnon, "Out Of The Backbone" and "Out of the Backyard" by the Communists by the Democratic Party by Billie Joe Smith, "Unions by The Left by The Right by The Working Class by Bill Cosby, "Bucking Up by The Union" by Billy Bragg, "Chickpeck" by Ronald Reagan, "We Can't Fight for Our Rights by Our Brothers and Our Fathers" by Bobby Kennedy, "Cuff and We're Allowed By The Union by Our Fathers by Our Rights" by Jack Dorsey, "Blinded by Our Mother" by George Orwell, "No More Than That?"

Transcript

Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 You have to make your own culture. 0.99
00:00:02.000 Obviously, we're all members of the wonderful West.
00:00:05.000 Western culture is the best.
00:00:08.000 But within those parameters, you know, there's not only so many events that we have here in the West with Christmas and Easter and Thanksgiving.
00:00:19.000 And sometimes, especially when you're a youngster, you want more culture than that.
00:00:25.000 You want a uniform and stuff.
00:00:27.000 I think that's what attracts people to subcultures like punk and mod and all that is they want to have a... Maybe it's a structure.
00:00:34.000 Maybe being a nonconformist is a sense of a structure.
00:00:37.000 A cult.
00:00:40.000 And in high school, we invented our own culture.
00:00:46.000 We actually passed the torch to the next generation and they dropped it.
00:00:53.000 I heard that our high school, which was the Earl of March in Kanata, Ontario, it was never quite as fun as when we were there.
00:01:01.000 I know I sound like I'm glorifying the past, but I spoke to the next generation at that school.
00:01:05.000 I remember when I was, after I graduated, they said, yeah, it's not really the same since you guys left.
00:01:10.000 You guys were legend.
00:01:11.000 And I'm sorry, but we were legends.
00:01:14.000 Legends.
00:01:15.000 And you can be a legend too. 1.00
00:01:18.000 You just have to make up a bunch of stupid rules. 1.00
00:01:21.000 For example, if someone farts or burps and doesn't say safety and you say slut, you get to beat the crap out of them until they can name five breakfast cereals. 1.00
00:01:33.000 That may ring a bell. 0.99
00:01:35.000 Proud boys.
00:01:38.000 Actually, some people started memorizing breakfast cereals because they got beat up so much.
00:01:42.000 So we had to change it to chocolate bars.
00:01:45.000 But it was rules like that that made high school super fun. 0.98
00:01:48.000 I mean, I hated high school because of the garbage we were taught. 1.00
00:01:52.000 God, it was so stupid. 1.00
00:01:53.000 I remember on one test, just writing on the test, Mr. Young, this is below you. 1.00
00:01:58.000 It was some sort of a quiz to see if we had read the book, and what was the name of Archie's dog?
00:02:04.000 I thought we're in high school now and we're doing these kind of did you read the book tests and I wrote on my test Mr. Young because I got along with him.
00:02:12.000 He was funny.
00:02:15.000 I understand why you have to do this.
00:02:16.000 It's and I drew a triangle on the test you.
00:02:21.000 Providing a quality education, following the board's rules.
00:02:25.000 And it was a triangle, and you had to navigate this triangle.
00:02:27.000 And you did some other triangle, like you, your future.
00:02:31.000 Oblivion. 0.99
00:02:34.000 But so much high school is garbage. 1.00
00:02:36.000 So much of school is crap. 1.00
00:02:37.000 Fuck school, that's my new motto. 1.00
00:02:39.000 I'm taking my kid out of school next week to take him to spring training. 1.00
00:02:44.000 We're gonna do the whole show next week, spring training.
00:02:47.000 Monday will be an exception when we get set up, but Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, we'll all be Mets in Port St.
00:02:52.000 Lucie in Florida. 0.99
00:02:55.000 And I don't give a shit that he's missing school. 0.99
00:02:58.000 I don't... School, what do they learn? 0.99
00:03:00.000 An hour and a half, two hours of learning a day?
00:03:02.000 And then what is the rest?
00:03:04.000 You know, my son only gets half an hour for his recess.
00:03:08.000 Recess should be two hours.
00:03:10.000 And then, in the middle of the morning, in the middle of the afternoon, another 15-20 minutes.
00:03:15.000 Just to run around.
00:03:16.000 They're kids.
00:03:17.000 What are they learning about?
00:03:18.000 Kierkegaard?
00:03:20.000 I'll tell you what a lot of them are learning. 1.00
00:03:22.000 Marxist garbage. 1.00
00:03:25.000 My daughter got this assignment. 0.97
00:03:26.000 I probably mentioned this in the last podcast.
00:03:28.000 It was all about the cows going on strike.
00:03:31.000 Because the farmer was making them produce too much milk. 0.94
00:03:34.000 Because the left is still obsessed with this idea of the unions being like the working class caps of the 1920s and the dirty coal miners and the Billy Bragg.
00:03:43.000 They're the union forever, defending our rights.
00:03:49.000 Out from the backwards, the workers unite with our brothers and our sisters who cannot organize.
00:03:57.000 There is power in a union.
00:04:01.000 Sure, there was.
00:04:03.000 Now,
00:04:04.000 They're giving $10 million to lobbyists, twice the highest the NRA has ever paid, and they're telling all their teachers, push union claptrap to your kids.
00:04:13.000 Anyway, I didn't want to make this political, I want to talk about high school.
00:04:18.000 So, school's boring. 0.99
00:04:20.000 The teachers are retarded. 1.00
00:04:22.000 The crap you learn is totally useless. 1.00
00:04:25.000 I would say out of pre-college, including college, you could learn all of that crap in three years. 0.99
00:04:32.000 I actually knew a guy named Jake, I think his name is Jake Burkhardt, back in Vice days, and he did these digital press packages.
00:04:44.000 So, you know, if there was a band that the label was interested in, they go, it used to just be, what's your press kit?
00:04:50.000 Back in the early nineties and eighties, it would just be a pile of papers and be a few newspaper articles about them and stuff and information about their record.
00:04:58.000 But once we got, you know, video technology, it became a digital press kit where you could see them on tour.
00:05:04.000 You could see them live on stage and you wanted that to look cool.
00:05:06.000 It was like a sizzle reel.
00:05:08.000 And Jake would follow bands around like against me and make those.
00:05:13.000 I go, that's a cool, solid trade.
00:05:15.000 You edit, you shoot, you do the audio.
00:05:17.000 And he goes, yeah, I took some class.
00:05:18.000 I forget where it was.
00:05:19.000 It was in Oakland, I think.
00:05:21.000 And it was a course that was about a year and a half or two years, and it was brutal.
00:05:28.000 It was like nine hours a day, six days a week.
00:05:31.000 If you're not editing, you're shooting, you're learning about all the technology.
00:05:33.000 And it doesn't really matter that the technology changes.
00:05:36.000 I mean, obviously going from film to digital is a big jump, but since we've had digital, of course there's updates, but you get like white balance and all that.
00:05:43.000 You get it out.
00:05:45.000 So he just submerged himself in this brutal class that was relatively cheap, you know?
00:05:50.000 Let's say it was like $9,000, $10,000.
00:05:51.000 Fine.
00:05:51.000 That's an easy debt to pay off, especially when you have a solid trade.
00:05:58.000 And this isn't welding.
00:05:59.000 This is like a fun, easy trade.
00:06:01.000 You learn Final Cut Pro back then, but that's basically the same as Premiere now.
00:06:05.000 The editing software hasn't changed, and it's probably similar to that one before.
00:06:09.000 What was that called?
00:06:10.000 An Avid?
00:06:12.000 So,
00:06:13.000 He could have not gone to school at all his whole life.
00:06:16.000 And in fact, he told me his dad used to yank him out of class and say, yo, we have to go, my son has to go to the dentist.
00:06:21.000 And then he would take his son to his truck and he'd have his surfboards in the truck and he goes, let's surf, dude.
00:06:27.000 Fun dad.
00:06:29.000 So, we knew school sucked.
00:06:32.000 And we knew we had to be there for a long time.
00:06:34.000 So we invented a culture.
00:06:38.000 And we were in the... Kanata, Ontario is worse than the burbs, and it's worse than the country.
00:06:45.000 It's the country burbs.
00:06:47.000 And as I've mentioned the show before, they would just buy farmland, then get these cookie-cutter homes that all looked exactly the same.
00:06:53.000 So you go to your friend's house, it's your house with different furniture.
00:06:56.000 Plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop,
00:07:05.000 Like, if you walk out your back door, you're just walking through cow fields. 0.67
00:07:10.000 We would do that all the time, we'd go hang out with cows.
00:07:13.000 And, uh, they're weird cows, though.
00:07:15.000 We never cow-tipped, that never came up, but they would just walk up to you, stare at you, and start licking you with their weird coarse tongues, and then they'd start following you, I guess because they're used to humans providing food. 1.00
00:07:27.000 Fuckin' losers. 1.00
00:07:29.000 Um... 1.00
00:07:30.000 So we just let cows follow us around.
00:07:32.000 I mean, we had this tradition where we would watch every Mad Max on Fridays.
00:07:36.000 My parents liked to go out and party on Fridays, and I had my baby brother, so I would stay home and babysit, happy to have a place to do bottle tokes and drink beer.
00:07:45.000 And we'd watch all three Mad Maxes, which takes forever, and then walk around with like a blanket on our shoulders at five in the morning through the suburbs, through the cow fields.
00:07:56.000 And we made fun.
00:07:57.000 You see, Ottawa is, that's the city.
00:07:59.000 That's the cool, exciting part.
00:08:00.000 The New York City of our lives was Ottawa, Canada.
00:08:04.000 And Ottawa is the same as Washington, D.C.
00:08:06.000 It's a government town.
00:08:09.000 And obviously a government town is going to attract bureaucrats, and bureaucrats are unadventurous people.
00:08:13.000 It's like a cruise.
00:08:15.000 You go on a cruise, like a Disney cruise, and you're going to be around the least adventurous parents imaginable, because they want a place where you just sit on a boat with your little room, you get supplied your buffets and your drinks, you don't have to think, and there's no adventure there.
00:08:29.000 So you're dull, basically, if you're a cruise person.
00:08:32.000 Sorry, Kumia. 0.99
00:08:33.000 I guess you're an exception.
00:08:37.000 And so government towns attract dull people and, you know, there's the government funded opera house there, whatever it is, this big, huge cement building where they listen to classical music and pretend they're aristocrats.
00:08:49.000 And the art is very unadventurous.
00:08:51.000 It's just like a dull town.
00:08:52.000 And so that acts like a pressure cooker.
00:08:55.000 And you end up with creative people who know how to make fun.
00:08:58.000 I mean, the punk scene there was exciting.
00:09:01.000 The Nazi skinheads were spooky.
00:09:03.000 I've talked about this in my book, Death of the Cool. 0.95
00:09:05.000 We had Joff, who blew his head off with an M-16 when his baby mama stopped seeing him. 0.78
00:09:09.000 We had Wolf, who had a dagger in his cane, who ended up in prison.
00:09:13.000 We had Francois, who had a giant Klansman rally going on on his back.
00:09:19.000 Huge tattoo.
00:09:19.000 And they would come and beat us up at shows and we'd fight them.
00:09:22.000 They would get on stage and fight the bands!
00:09:24.000 They would fight SNFU because the singer, Chai Pig, was Asian.
00:09:29.000 Or they would go on stage and fight MDC because they had an anti-skinhead song.
00:09:34.000 I mean, it was dramatic.
00:09:36.000 Like, a guy had a gun.
00:09:38.000 This punk kid, Scott, had a gun.
00:09:41.000 Now, having a gun in Canada, it's like having the ring in Lord of the Rings.
00:09:44.000 I mean, it's my precious.
00:09:46.000 It's a big deal.
00:09:49.000 And I think that's because it was such a dull place, and now Kanata is the suburbs of Ottawa, manufactured rural suburbs, so now we're magnifying that boringness by ten.
00:10:03.000 And so we invented traditions.
00:10:06.000 And it made high school super fun.
00:10:09.000 I actually looked forward to going to school. 0.81
00:10:12.000 We had a thing, Knoxville and the Jackass guys do this, is ball tag, you're it, where you punch a guy in the nuts every time he's vulnerable. 0.89
00:10:20.000 And we wouldn't just sort of tap a guy in the nuts. 0.84
00:10:22.000 Like, there was this kid, Rick Lull.
00:10:24.000 I remember nailing him once.
00:10:26.000 I got down and tied my shoes.
00:10:29.000 They didn't need tied, but I was positioning myself.
00:10:32.000 And I came up underneath him with a super Mike Tyson uppercut and nailed him in the nuts so hard, his feet came off the ground.
00:10:42.000 When you got nailed in the nuts during our ball tag, you would have to lie down for one hour.
00:10:48.000 You were incapacitated. 1.00
00:10:50.000 And I think that's why my kids are retarded. 1.00
00:10:52.000 Because I damaged my bag that much. 0.98
00:10:54.000 No, I'm just kidding.
00:10:55.000 Although, Knoxville did show me a scan of his sperm. 0.89
00:11:01.000 That looked like something out of the Island of Misfit Toys. 0.99
00:11:07.000 It was all these damaged losers with like right angles in their tails and stuff. 0.58
00:11:12.000 I think he did some serious ball damage. 0.95
00:11:14.000 His kids are angels luckily, but wow.
00:11:18.000 And the reason I bring that up is to say
00:11:23.000 You don't have to be bored.
00:11:26.000 You can make your own fun.
00:11:28.000 And the problem with modern culture now is there's a war on boys.
00:11:32.000 There's a war on rambunctious boys.
00:11:38.000 You can't bite a Pop-Tart in the shape of a gun.
00:11:40.000 You can't wedgie anyone. 0.96
00:11:43.000 We used to wedgie guys, including ourselves, and hang them on a basketball hoop. 0.93
00:11:49.000 So you have a nerd hanging there for an hour with the underwear going deeper and deeper into his crack.
00:11:55.000 We were very extreme, and I think it was really healthy.
00:11:59.000 I mean, one of the things that attracted us to punk was that you could go into a mosh pit and just thrash, punch people.
00:12:05.000 And well, you couldn't punch, but just like wrestle while jumping.
00:12:10.000 And it was a really cathartic release for a frustrated, bored, young
00:12:15.000 Young men and adolescents, you know, you have all this anger and frustration.
00:12:19.000 You're supposed to really be in a war. 0.99
00:12:20.000 If we were in Papua New Guinea and we were tribesmen, we would have been out eviscerating people and eating their bowels, raping their women. 1.00
00:12:29.000 But you can't do that, so it has to go somewhere. 0.98
00:12:33.000 And making these sort of hazing-like rituals is very healthy. 0.98
00:12:38.000 Yes, I know some frat boy died.
00:12:41.000 When he did 200 shots.
00:12:44.000 We're talking about millions of instances where that could happen.
00:12:47.000 And it's happened a tiny handful of times.
00:12:50.000 And by outlawing all this, you're destroying people.
00:12:54.000 And it's gotta come out somewhere.
00:12:56.000 I wouldn't be surprised if these mass shootings are linked to this war on masculinity.
00:13:01.000 Even the left, even comedians, castrated comedians like Michael Ian Black say, our boys are broken.
00:13:08.000 I agree.
00:13:11.000 Now the way to unbreak them is to let them loose.
00:13:13.000 Let them get up to trouble.
00:13:17.000 Let them wedgie. 1.00
00:13:18.000 We used to- I've told this story a few times, so I'm just gonna go over every high school story, so if you've been listening to my shows for a long time, you're gonna hear some of these, and if you've read my book, you're gonna hear some of these, but I have to tell you this one. 0.79
00:13:28.000 So, when Hacky Sacks first came out, right, they weren't really a hippie thing, it was just a dumb game.
00:13:34.000 And we would do stuff like that, like when fingerboards came out.
00:13:36.000 That was a tiny skateboard you'd make that was one inch long, and then you'd add matchbox wheels, and the trucks would be the rubber part of an eraser.
00:13:45.000 We made all those.
00:13:46.000 You glue a piece of, like, thin cardboard to itself a bunch of times, and you end up making, like, a thick type of mini wood, and then we'd make a half-pipe, a skate bowl, out of paper mache, and we would play with that at lunch.
00:14:01.000 Um, and hacky sacks came out.
00:14:02.000 Okay, let's play with these.
00:14:03.000 So we had a game where, and we used to do this with garbage if we couldn't get a hacky sack.
00:14:08.000 Everyone sits in this sort of lobby, which was like a five foot by five foot warming area in between the main lobby of the school and outside.
00:14:16.000 And so it was a perfect little encased glass box that you could bounce things off.
00:14:21.000 So we would kick the garbage or the hacky sack in the air, and, um, if it ever hit the ground, the guy who was responsible got an atomic wedgie.
00:14:31.000 And obviously an atomic wedgie is when you wedgie the guy so hard that the waistband comes off. 0.97
00:14:36.000 So Colin Sacco fucked up, and the wedgie fell to the ground on his watch. 0.84
00:14:41.000 So without any emotion, 0.99
00:14:44.000 It's sort of like being in the Knights of Columbus.
00:14:47.000 If someone said, hey man, one of our brothers is in court.
00:14:49.000 We'd like you to come.
00:14:50.000 You don't go, oh man.
00:14:52.000 You just hop in the car and head over.
00:14:54.000 You feel nothing.
00:14:55.000 It's like when your wife says you got to pick up your daughter and her friend from dance class.
00:14:58.000 Yep.
00:14:59.000 You don't go, what? 0.99
00:15:00.000 That sucks, dude. 0.95
00:15:03.000 So we're just wedging Colin. 0.91
00:15:04.000 So we go over and we're, we're yanking and yanking and yanking and you really gotta, the waistband will make it up to like almost between the shoulder blades before it starts tearing.
00:15:13.000 And by the time we were done lunch, there would be maybe six, uh, underwear waistbands on the ground in that little ten foot by ten foot box. 0.99
00:15:23.000 The janitor must have been picking them up with his little sharp stick going, what the fuck are these kids up to? 0.88
00:15:29.000 And it's funny too, wearing uh, 0.99
00:15:33.000 Wearing underwear with no waistband.
00:15:34.000 It's just sort of sitting on a prayer Sitting there, you know just hanging it's sort of like the coyote when he goes off the cliff.
00:15:43.000 He's like Before he falls Your underwear is just suspended in midair held there by your jeans
00:15:52.000 So we're giving Colin a wedgie and this teacher, Mrs. Hamilton, comes in and she says, uh, what the hell is going on here?
00:16:01.000 And Colin's just looking at her. 0.87
00:16:02.000 And he was kind of fat and had glasses, so he did look like a nerd. 0.83
00:16:06.000 We were kind of an island of misfit toys. 0.78
00:16:08.000 Like the general theme was mods and punks and we called ourselves the monks.
00:16:12.000 But there was also just like a fat preppy named Zabo.
00:16:16.000 And a nerd, not a nerd, a rich kid we call Dog Boy.
00:16:20.000 Everyone had nicknames.
00:16:25.000 Although I don't think I had a nickname.
00:16:28.000 Anyway, so Colin's sitting there and she goes, what the hell is going on in here?
00:16:35.000 And we go, oh, we're giving him a wedgie.
00:16:36.000 She goes, you, you! 1.00
00:16:37.000 She says to me and Skeeter, go to the office.
00:16:41.000 Now Skeeter had a weird hairdo.
00:16:43.000 He had a mohawk that was just in the back, but then stopped on the top of his head, and the top of his head just had like blonde hair.
00:16:51.000 So he had like a fish, like a, you know an angel fish?
00:16:54.000 Like he had a mohawk sitting on the back of his head.
00:16:58.000 And I can't remember what my hair was, but it was like, oh I think it was like GBH, like blonde sort of spiky spikes.
00:17:05.000 Like the band GBH.
00:17:07.000 So we go up to the office, and the assistant principal is there.
00:17:13.000 I think his name was Mr. Hammond.
00:17:15.000 And she grabs us. 0.99
00:17:17.000 She's so pissed! 1.00
00:17:18.000 We couldn't understand what the hell was going on, too.
00:17:21.000 We're thinking, simmer down, lady! 1.00
00:17:23.000 You didn't catch a bank robbery!
00:17:25.000 And she's got us both by the scruffs of our leather jackets, and she throws us into the office. 1.00
00:17:30.000 And he goes, what's the problem here? 0.69
00:17:31.000 He's obviously used to her being a nut. 0.73
00:17:33.000 Maybe she's like one of these people who can't handle caffeine. 1.00
00:17:36.000 And he goes, what's happening here? 0.98
00:17:38.000 And she goes, these two men were trying to insert a wedge of wood into a boy's anus. 0.90
00:17:47.000 And we both go, what? 0.80
00:17:50.000 At the exact same time.
00:17:52.000 And Mr. Hammond sort of closes his eyes and he goes, it's called a wedgie, Catherine.
00:17:58.000 And he brings us into his office and he sits us down and we go, uh, Mr. Hammond, slow down, slow down here.
00:18:05.000 We were doing a wedgie, a consensual wedgie. 1.00
00:18:07.000 It's a stupid rule we have. 0.99
00:18:09.000 It's this game we play where if you let the garbage in he goes, calm down guys, calm down, calm down. 1.00
00:18:13.000 I know you were not inserting wood into boys' bums.
00:18:17.000 By the way, as I always say when I tell this story, what's her version of events?
00:18:23.000 So Skeeter and I that morning packed a wood wedge in our bag with a little rubber mallet, circa Germany in the year 700.
00:18:31.000 And we thought, hey, let's get a kid. 0.99
00:18:36.000 Let's get some nerd and get this wood right up his ass. 1.00
00:18:41.000 Split his stupid anus to shreds. 1.00
00:18:45.000 Isn't that thing, isn't that anal thing covered in little capillaries and major veins and stuff? 1.00
00:18:53.000 I mean, I've had a hemorrhoid burst. 0.98
00:18:55.000 It looks like someone was murdered in the bathroom.
00:18:58.000 I assume if you take a wedge, and most of the wedges I've seen are to hold doors open, so there's like an inch, the final point is an inch thick.
00:19:07.000 It's not like it goes down to a pin. 0.98
00:19:09.000 So you're hammering that into someone's anus, you're just gonna chop their anus. 1.00
00:19:12.000 I mean, they're gonna bleed to death. 0.99
00:19:14.000 They're gonna need a colostomy bag while it heals and is stitched up for a year.
00:19:19.000 It's a felony!
00:19:20.000 I mean, you're gonna- you're looking at ten years in prison for splitting an eye on- at the earl of March.
00:19:27.000 I mean, even punching someone in the face back then was a huge deal. 0.99
00:19:31.000 You'd go, I punched someone in the fucking face, can you believe that? 0.99
00:19:35.000 So no, we weren't splitting his anus, but I thought it was cool because the principal said he was just really into our hair. 1.00
00:19:40.000 Because we both had very blonde hair. 0.88
00:19:42.000 He goes, what's going on with your hair?
00:19:43.000 Oh, it's a product by L'Oreal called Super Blonde Isma that you get.
00:19:49.000 And then you can add colors from Manic Panic.
00:19:51.000 We're telling him, and he goes, oh, that's cool.
00:19:52.000 You know, when I was young, Rod Stewart was big, and I bleached my hair.
00:19:55.000 My dad was so mad.
00:19:58.000 And we had that kind of conversation.
00:20:02.000 We also had a thing, we had a game, in retrospect I don't really understand how you're good at this game, but it was called a poo-down.
00:20:11.000 And so, usually at lunch when we're all together, and someone would go, POO-DOWN!
00:20:16.000 You ended up making your bowels sort of adhere to this jet lag, and not have your morning bowel movement, but make it more a lunchtime thing.
00:20:24.000 So someone would call a poo-down, and we'd all have to go to the bathroom,
00:20:29.000 Oh my god, I just remembered two other things.
00:20:31.000 Do you remember making those water bombs in the bathroom?
00:20:34.000 There was those big round tubs where you'd push your foot down onto the ring on the bottom and then a circle of hand-washing would come out.
00:20:42.000 It's like something that like where cows would go get their water from.
00:20:46.000 It was about
00:20:47.000 Six feet in diameter, a giant circular bin, and you would push down with your foot and all the water would come out.
00:20:53.000 So you could take a paper towel, you fold it in a certain way, cut a little hole in it, and then fill that up with water, and then I guess you could reseal the hole?
00:21:01.000 And then you'd throw that at people and it would be like a water bomb.
00:21:04.000 Another game we would play.
00:21:05.000 Don't worry, I won't forget what I was originally talking about.
00:21:08.000 So you'd hyperventilate.
00:21:09.000 Did you ever do that?
00:21:11.000 It's drugs before there was drugs. 0.75
00:21:13.000 So you crouch down, you sit, and I'm not recommending you try this at home.
00:21:16.000 I'm just remembering what we used to do.
00:21:17.000 Oh my god, I forgot about Pam!
00:21:21.000 Wow, I can't believe we did that.
00:21:24.000 So anyway, you'd sit down, crouch down.
00:21:27.000 And then you would go... And do about 20 huge breaths.
00:21:32.000 I'm actually getting kind of butterflies remembering this.
00:21:35.000 Because it was so intense and I would never do it now in a million years.
00:21:39.000 Then you stand up really fast.
00:21:41.000 A guy behind you takes the palms of his hands.
00:21:44.000 He pushes them into your jugglers.
00:21:47.000 And then he picks you up.
00:21:49.000 And then he lets go and you faint.
00:21:51.000 From lack of blood to the brain.
00:21:54.000 Usually have a crazy dream or something and then you wake up and everyone's laughing their heads off and you don't know where you are So then we after doing that a few times we heard Yeah, but if you do Pam cooking spray, it's way more intense than that So dudes, we didn't just try this once we would use Pam Like you buy a six-pack I shudder
00:22:18.000 To think of how much aerosol we used to do. 0.98
00:22:22.000 We would go to the grocery fucking store and buy a six-pack, not a beer! 0.99
00:22:30.000 But of Pam Cooking Spray. 0.99
00:22:32.000 And in Canada, you buy your milk in bags.
00:22:35.000 So there's two or three milk bags and then they're in a bag.
00:22:39.000 And it's a very thick plastic because it has to carry three liters of milk.
00:22:43.000 So you get the milk bags are everywhere, right?
00:22:45.000 So you take some milk bags from home.
00:22:47.000 I'm actually getting kind of cold sweats remembering this.
00:22:50.000 And you take the bag, right?
00:22:54.000 You hold it by the neck and then you blow it up.
00:22:57.000 So you have this sort of
00:22:59.000 We're good to go.
00:23:22.000 And you inhale Pam Cookie Spray, and inevitably, for some reason, it makes you go, ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya!
00:23:30.000 And then you would fall backwards, and you'd be seeing stars, and you'd hallucinate, and then sometimes you'd have a whole little universe where you're riding a Pee Wee Herman bike.
00:23:39.000 Do-do-do-doodly-do-do-do in Candy Town.
00:23:42.000 Hi there, Mrs. Lollipop, ba-do-do-do, ooh, a chocolate river, la-la-la, my arms are made of spaghetti strings, yay!
00:23:50.000 And then you'd wake up.
00:23:52.000 It would last about ten seconds. 0.94
00:23:56.000 Holy crap. 0.92
00:23:57.000 And I remember hearing, this is an important part of the story, I remember hearing that a kid died doing Pam. 0.99
00:24:05.000 And, uh, we didn't give a shit. 0.99
00:24:07.000 So? 0.99
00:24:08.000 We're not gonna die.
00:24:09.000 We're invincible.
00:24:10.000 That's the scary thing about having kids is the undeveloped frontal lobe of adolescence and the invincibility it brings.
00:24:20.000 I remember playing chicken with two cars driving at each other.
00:24:25.000 We'd be standing on the hood of the car as these two cars were playing chicken and I remember even singing a song.
00:24:31.000 It was like, Danger Bay!
00:24:33.000 Danger Bay!
00:24:34.000 As we're hurtling to our deaths.
00:24:38.000 Maybe I have permanent brain damage from that.
00:24:41.000 My dad is incredibly smart, and I'd be talking to him sometimes, and I'd think, I am not understanding this conversation.
00:24:48.000 Or when I interviewed Pat Buchanan, I was just thinking, I am in over my head right now.
00:24:53.000 It's probably the Pam cooking spray.
00:24:54.000 Because genetically, I come from smart genes.
00:24:58.000 Remember him?
00:24:59.000 My dad said to my brother, I've got so many different plans for Gavin to save money on tax, but his IQ's too low.
00:25:07.000 So it's a waste of time to explain to him.
00:25:09.000 I'm not that impressed, by the way.
00:25:11.000 His ideas are things like, alright, you lose taxes if you make more than half a million on a sale, so I'm going to buy your penthouse apartment and then you're going to sell it and then I'm going to sell it back to you and then you're going to buy it from me and we'll make sure the profit margin is always under 500.
00:25:30.000 Yeah, the IRS thought of that, Dad.
00:25:35.000 Anyway, sorry.
00:25:36.000 So, Pam cooking spray, hyperventilating, water bombs, all happened in this upstairs bathroom. 0.67
00:25:44.000 Pam, can you believe that?
00:25:45.000 We inhaled Pam cooking spray.
00:25:48.000 Every time I make pancakes and I spray the frying pan at home, I smell the smell and it takes me back to high school.
00:25:55.000 Smell is incredibly good at taking you back to certain places.
00:26:00.000 And I just sort of go...
00:26:02.000 Anyway, so poo down. 0.56
00:26:03.000 You call a poo down.
00:26:05.000 And everyone has to go to the bathroom and defecate. 1.00
00:26:08.000 And Skeeter would do this thing where he'd squat down on the actual seat to maximize it.
00:26:14.000 He invented the squatty potty in that sense.
00:26:17.000 So we'd go there and see what you had.
00:26:19.000 And obviously, the guy who called the poo down is the guy who has to poo. 0.90
00:26:25.000 So he's going to win.
00:26:28.000 If I just walk up to you right now and challenge you to a poo-down, I'm gonna have a log, and you're gonna have a snail.
00:26:34.000 Clearly! 1.00
00:26:36.000 What a dumb game. 1.00
00:26:39.000 So one time we run up there, POO-DOWN! 1.00
00:26:41.000 There's a lot of sort of DECLARATIONS!
00:26:43.000 You know, kids are really into, and by the way, I'm talking about high school, right?
00:26:46.000 So it's obviously 14 to 17, 18.
00:26:48.000 There's a lot of sort of brave heart, like FREEDOM!
00:26:53.000 And we run up there, and I open up my stall,
00:26:58.000 And I have a heart attack.
00:27:00.000 Now I told you we're in rural, suburban Canada.
00:27:05.000 So there's farmland everywhere.
00:27:07.000 So we were all middle class, upper middle class kids of engineers and stuff and
00:27:12.000 There is a burgeoning tech industry in Ottawa.
00:27:15.000 The government wanted to create a new Silicon Valley, a Canadian Silicon Valley.
00:27:19.000 So they imported all these British people with educations so they could build them computers.
00:27:24.000 Because Canada didn't really have the population to just magically create a San Francisco.
00:27:29.000 So they did it by going to Britain. 0.90
00:27:31.000 You know, Canada's a Commonwealth.
00:27:33.000 When I got my citizenship, I had to pledge allegiance to the Queen.
00:27:36.000 Huge oil painting of the Queen when I was, I don't know, like seven years old.
00:27:39.000 I had to put my hand over my heart and pledge allegiance to the Queen.
00:27:42.000 So she's still on the money. 0.96
00:27:44.000 Literally.
00:27:50.000 So we were also surrounded by farmers.
00:27:53.000 In a little town called Carp.
00:27:56.000 So we had these Carpies there, and I've mentioned them on the show before.
00:27:58.000 They wore ski jackets, because skiing is big with rednecks in Canada. 1.00
00:28:03.000 And these trucker hats on the very tippy top of their heads, and work boots, jeans.
00:28:07.000 And there was not a lot of correlation with the Carpies and the middle-class kids. 0.55
00:28:11.000 They were kind of segregated.
00:28:12.000 Self-segregated.
00:28:14.000 Too bad.
00:28:15.000 I'd like to go back now and hang out with them.
00:28:16.000 They're probably fun.
00:28:17.000 And there's always like one of the, we call our rednecks hosers, one of the hosers' dad would own a ski hill.
00:28:25.000 That's the weird thing about Canada.
00:28:27.000 It's so new that there's no real classism and sometimes the working class have more money than the upper class.
00:28:34.000 The upper class would be bureaucrats. 0.66
00:28:36.000 They'd make maybe 200 grand a year.
00:28:39.000 Sometimes you have some contractor like my neighbor who owned Frisbee tires.
00:28:43.000 That guy was a multimillionaire, but he was blue collar.
00:28:47.000 Anyway, so, uh, and don't think I forgot what I was talking about.
00:28:53.000 I hate when you guys say that.
00:28:54.000 It's really shallow.
00:28:56.000 I go off on tangents because I know I can always get back to the backbone of the story.
00:29:01.000 And the backbone of the story here is the car piece.
00:29:04.000 So I open up my, um, my stall to do my poo down.
00:29:10.000 And there is a turd there. 0.88
00:29:14.000 The size of a baby's leg.
00:29:16.000 I know we usually use baby's limbs for other analogies, but this is the best one.
00:29:21.000 Imagine a Somalian baby's leg. 1.00
00:29:25.000 Oh, that's a horrible thing to imagine. 0.96
00:29:27.000 Dismembered Somalian baby.
00:29:29.000 Forget it. 0.98
00:29:29.000 That's a bad analogy. 0.98
00:29:31.000 Imagine a... I was gonna say a branch, but there's too much variety there.
00:29:36.000 Take a black sock.
00:29:37.000 Yeah, take a work sock and fill it with sand and now put that in the toilet. 1.00
00:29:43.000 That's what we were looking at there.
00:29:45.000 It couldn't fit.
00:29:45.000 It didn't fit.
00:29:47.000 It wouldn't go down.
00:29:48.000 And I go, Guys!
00:29:50.000 Get in here! 0.99
00:29:51.000 And everyone comes and they go, Oh my fucking God! 0.99
00:29:56.000 What the? 0.99
00:29:57.000 And everyone's freaking out, and I go, it won't flush!
00:29:59.000 And I keep flushing it, and it would just make a bridge over the hole.
00:30:03.000 Like a bridge over troubled waters, I will lay thee down.
00:30:14.000 That song just lost its romance.
00:30:17.000 The water would plunge down, and it would just stay over this bridge.
00:30:22.000 So at the peak of everyone freaking out, and this is, I saw comedians in cars getting coffee with Jerry Seinfeld and John Oliver, and Seinfeld said, what is humor to you?
00:30:31.000 And John Oliver says, doing anything to get a laugh.
00:30:34.000 And this is where I come in.
00:30:36.000 I will die to make my friends laugh.
00:30:39.000 If it means losing a leg, fine. 0.99
00:30:43.000 And something in my head just goes, dude, you know they're gonna die.
00:30:46.000 You gotta do it.
00:30:48.000 And I go, I know me, I know.
00:30:50.000 I reach into the bowl, and I pull up this black sock, and I say something like, by the rules of Ecuador!
00:31:00.000 Some sort of massive, you know, Braveheart-sounding scream.
00:31:05.000 It doesn't really matter what I say.
00:31:06.000 It's like Hitler. 0.92
00:31:07.000 You know, you're going to say, und von Eivorn, von Stuben, Stut, von Eivorn!
00:31:11.000 So I'm like, by the rules of Nemesis!
00:31:18.000 And I hold up the turd above my head.
00:31:21.000 Eventually a piece falls off and splashes down and then I drop it.
00:31:25.000 By the way, in French Canada, in Quebec, an étrang 1.00
00:31:29.000 E-T-R-O-N is a piece of... a piece of shit. 1.00
00:31:33.000 So, un étrang fell into the toilet. 1.00
00:31:36.000 And, of course, I got what I asked for.
00:31:38.000 All my friends, Cheese, Skeeter, Zabo, Sacco, they're all screaming, incapacitated, on the ground, hysterical, fainting, doing that thing that only happens in high school, where you laugh so hard, you're physically trying to grab air and put it into your mouth.
00:31:55.000 Because you're dying!
00:31:56.000 You're suffocating.
00:31:57.000 So, you reach out, you grab air,
00:32:00.000 And you try to force it back into your mouth.
00:32:03.000 I washed my hands over by the cow feeder about 600 times then.
00:32:07.000 So we go, alright, this has superseded the game.
00:32:10.000 The poo down.
00:32:11.000 This is much bigger than going poo.
00:32:13.000 We gotta find this guy and make him our mascot.
00:32:17.000 That was another fun thing to do.
00:32:18.000 And I never did this, but Derek Beckles, my old buddy who we don't speak anymore because I'm a Nazi, but he told me when he was in school, they just flipped through the yearbook and they went, and they just randomly poked on a guy named like Jeff Tran.
00:32:36.000 And he was some Thai, Cambodian, whatever student.
00:32:40.000 And they said, we're going to make him a star.
00:32:42.000 So they became obsessed with Jeff Tran.
00:32:45.000 And they would try to get his autograph.
00:32:46.000 They had 8x10s made of him.
00:32:48.000 They'd take pictures of him in the street.
00:32:50.000 They would try to interview his mother for their fanzine on Jeff Tran.
00:32:56.000 They wore Jeff Tran t-shirts.
00:32:58.000 And of course, Jeff hated it.
00:33:00.000 And the mother would call them begging, pleading for them to leave Jeff alone.
00:33:03.000 And they would scream when he was in the hallways and stuff.
00:33:07.000 Hilarious.
00:33:09.000 So we decide we gotta meet this guy.
00:33:11.000 So I was, I've always been a pretty good cartoonist, so I write, uh, I make a flyer and it says, Poo Down!
00:33:17.000 And it has a drawing of the toilet with the massive black sock in it, and I said, We saw this in the upstairs bathroom on the West Wing yesterday at noon.
00:33:27.000 Um, whoever did it, we wanna meet you.
00:33:31.000 Please meet us tomorrow at the same bathroom at the same time at lunch so we can shake your hand.
00:33:36.000 You are a god.
00:33:38.000 And it was definitely some farmer's kid who's, you know, six feet with a beard.
00:33:42.000 You know those guys in high school that are men and have their own car and stuff?
00:33:45.000 That's the way it was in the 80s, anyway.
00:33:48.000 Plenty of guys in high school had huge beards.
00:33:51.000 And girlfriends, and some of them, like, didn't even live with their parents.
00:33:55.000 They had an apartment.
00:33:57.000 They had their own dishes and cutlery and stuff.
00:33:59.000 I'm gonna make spaghetti tonight.
00:34:00.000 You want some?
00:34:03.000 And so we didn't have a photocopier.
00:34:05.000 There's no Kinko's back then.
00:34:06.000 This is 1985.
00:34:10.000 And we go to these teachers. 0.98
00:34:13.000 These heavily unionized, unfireable teachers who get four months off a year and get to go home at 3.20 and don't give a shit about their jobs. 0.98
00:34:22.000 That's why you're watching Ghostbusters in class. 0.98
00:34:24.000 That's why everyone in the class is doing a presentation that everyone then marks instead of the teacher so he can do crossword puzzles.
00:34:32.000 But anyway.
00:34:35.000 I go up to these teachers and I say, hey, man, we have this important notice we want to put up around the school.
00:34:41.000 Can we use the photocopier?
00:34:42.000 And that guy's like eating a banana.
00:34:44.000 He goes, yeah, sure.
00:34:46.000 Two separate times. 0.99
00:34:48.000 Teachers went to the photocopier and made us about 20 copies of this flyer, which 60% of the flyer was a giant toilet with a shit in it. 0.96
00:34:58.000 60% of the time, I mean, sorry, um, that was 60% of the flyer. 0.93
00:35:02.000 100% of the time, these two teachers made us 20 flyers and handed them to us and walked away.
00:35:08.000 That's how little they cared about the students.
00:35:10.000 They didn't even look at what they were photocopying and notice it was a call to find a pooper. 0.90
00:35:23.000 So we put those up all over the school, everywhere.
00:35:25.000 And they didn't even get taken down.
00:35:27.000 Some people thought it was funny, right?
00:35:28.000 The students read them.
00:35:30.000 But the teachers, they didn't take them down.
00:35:32.000 And that guy never showed, by the way.
00:35:33.000 Sorry.
00:35:35.000 By the way, I wrote a little note there.
00:35:38.000 We did drugs in the weirdest way back then.
00:35:41.000 There wasn't pot around.
00:35:42.000 No one had pot.
00:35:42.000 Probably because it's Canada.
00:35:45.000 And, you know, people used to grow pot.
00:35:46.000 I remember my parents' friends would grow pot.
00:35:48.000 In the 70s, when I was a little kid,
00:35:51.000 All my parents' friends smoked pot.
00:35:53.000 All of them.
00:35:54.000 When I smell pot, I remember the 70s and my parents' parties, and they'd wear these skin-tight jeans with their brown nylon feet coming out of the bottom, the woman, and they'd be listening to Hurt It True to Gripline and Steely Dan, and, uh, we are the Sultans, we are the Sultans of Swing, and I'd be banging on the door, I GOTTA GO TO SCHOOL TOMORROW! 0.96
00:36:16.000 SHUT UP! 1.00
00:36:18.000 We're good to go. 0.99
00:36:37.000 And you'd put a small stone in it, about the size of a quarter.
00:36:41.000 Basically the biggest stone you can get through the tiny hole at the top.
00:36:44.000 And then you'd pick up your heel and you would bang the pop bottle on your heel.
00:36:50.000 Sometimes the entire bottom would smash off and you'd have to throw that away and start again.
00:36:54.000 But usually you'd make a hole that was about the size of four quarters.
00:36:59.000 You know?
00:37:00.000 Like the hole when you make an okay symbol.
00:37:02.000 Which is racist by the way.
00:37:05.000 And so you have now have a bottle with a hole in the bottom.
00:37:09.000 So you take your hash and you would break off a booger.
00:37:13.000 You put that on anywhere.
00:37:15.000 And then with a cigarette, you know the way you hold a cigarette?
00:37:18.000 You'd hold it the opposite way.
00:37:19.000 So the heater's now pointing into your palm.
00:37:23.000 And you go down, you scoop up the booger so it's on the heater.
00:37:26.000 Now you put your thumb on top of the bottle.
00:37:28.000 Can you believe this ordeal?
00:37:29.000 Then you would put your hand around the hole such that the cigarette was inside the bottle and the hash that was on the heater was burning inside the bottle.
00:37:39.000 And you could see it because it was white smoke as opposed to cigarette smoke.
00:37:43.000 And you'd watch the bottle fill up with white smoke, then you'd take your hand away, drop the cigarette somewhere, or give it to someone, and now you're holding a bottle of contained white smoke.
00:37:52.000 Then, just like the Pam cooking spray, you exhale, and go, and I would cough.
00:37:58.000 They used to call me the Raunch King. 0.96
00:38:00.000 And they'd be embarrassed of me at parties, but I'm sorry, I got shitty lungs. 0.77
00:38:03.000 I never smoked cigarettes, ever. 0.89
00:38:06.000 And I would cough and cough, and then you would be so baked, that you'd often just puke, because you were so high.
00:38:14.000 I remember one night we were all super high and Tom Williams had to fart.
00:38:19.000 And so we randomly choose someone to be farted on.
00:38:24.000 And in this case, you notice, by the way, a lot of poo stuff here. 0.69
00:38:27.000 Hey, ladies, trans people, genderless, binary, non-binary girls, if you're coming over to the dark side and becoming a man, it's not all Don Draper martinis at lunch. 0.99
00:38:39.000 It's mostly shit jokes. 0.99
00:38:41.000 We talk about sex a lot, but we talk about diarrhea a lot. 1.00
00:38:47.000 You know, you want to know what it's like to be a man, check out the George Brett video where he goes, shit my pants last night. 0.99
00:38:54.000 I'm good for one of those about once a year.
00:38:57.000 That conversation about the de Blasio and how he got food poisoning and had just water running down his leg.
00:39:02.000 It's on YouTube.
00:39:03.000 It's one of two awesome George Brett videos.
00:39:06.000 The other one being when he lost his temper on a Tyne Park call.
00:39:10.000 It was the baseball player I'm talking about.
00:39:13.000 That's being a man.
00:39:14.000 I'm not necessarily recommending it, ladies. 0.95
00:39:17.000 I like it.
00:39:18.000 But I like a lot of weird stuff that most people don't like.
00:39:21.000 Like the band GBH I was describing earlier.
00:39:23.000 I don't think most people would enjoy hearing City Baby attacked by rats. 1.00
00:39:30.000 So... Oh damn, there I go again with these stupid tangents. 1.00
00:39:38.000 Yeah, so... Tom has to fart. 1.00
00:39:41.000 And so they go, Gavin!
00:39:43.000 So they decide they have to hold me down.
00:39:45.000 And I've got two guys on each arm, two guys on each leg, and one person holding my head up with his hands.
00:39:53.000 I cannot move. 0.99
00:39:55.000 And Tom pulls down his pants and I see his anus coming towards me. 0.98
00:39:59.000 And by the way, the reason I have all these stories is my daughter and my eldest son keep asking me, what did you do in high school? 0.98
00:40:05.000 What was high school like?
00:40:06.000 So I get to relive all these.
00:40:08.000 And every time you tell one, you remember another and it's fun.
00:40:10.000 That's a great thing about having kids too.
00:40:12.000 You get to relive your own childhood.
00:40:14.000 And I tell them all these stories. 1.00
00:40:15.000 They're disgusted, of course, but I think it's good that they know that you can have a stupid, disgusting adolescence. 1.00
00:40:21.000 So anyway, Tom's anus is coming towards me, and it's hairy. 1.00
00:40:25.000 And, uh, I'm not looking forward to it, believe it or not. 0.99
00:40:28.000 Also, there could be some splatter.
00:40:30.000 There's no guarantee this is just gonna be a sweet... ...whisper, like Betty Davis blowing in my ear.
00:40:38.000 This could be an explosion.
00:40:40.000 It could have catastrophic consequences. 0.99
00:40:43.000 And I think the McInnes brain, my dad told me he would do this at meetings where he'd purposely fuck himself and leave himself in an important pitch with no idea what he's going to say, just to see what he would do in a corner like a cornered rat. 0.99
00:40:58.000 So my brain starts really kicking into overdrive. 0.99
00:41:02.000 And as the hairy anus comes toward me, I have no idea what I'm going to do. 0.99
00:41:06.000 And then all of a sudden, 0.99
00:41:10.000 Oh crap! 0.97
00:41:13.000 Oh no! 1.00
00:41:15.000 I just horked a greener on my fucking keyboard. 0.99
00:41:20.000 That might ruin my keyboard. 0.99
00:41:22.000 I was trying to do it into a mug for perfect sound effects.
00:41:26.000 Now I've ruined a t-shirt and possibly my entire computing system. 0.99
00:41:32.000 Anyway, I horked on his butt. 0.98
00:41:34.000 And then he goes, and he stands erect like he has just been electrocuted and runs out of the room screaming and then of course they're all laughing so hard that I'm a free man. 0.99
00:41:49.000 By the way, the laughing so hard is an important factor there.
00:41:53.000 I don't think you'll ever laugh as hard as you laugh in high school.
00:41:57.000 But we used to do things like, me and Digger, the guy we called Dog Boy.
00:42:02.000 We called him Dog Boy, by the way, because he had very pronounced features like a big chin and a strong nose and like dark eyebrows and stuff.
00:42:08.000 So we thought he was hideous.
00:42:10.000 Turns out he was a gorgeous hunk, like he ended up doing modeling later on.
00:42:14.000 That's the thing about being a young man.
00:42:15.000 You don't know what attractive is.
00:42:17.000 In fact, there was this fat chick we called Big, Big, I'm going to change her name, Big Jenny. 1.00
00:42:22.000 And I didn't know she was fat. 1.00
00:42:23.000 I lost, we all lost our virginity to her.
00:42:25.000 And it was awesome. 0.99
00:42:26.000 And then other girls go, she's fat. 1.00
00:42:28.000 And we go, oh, yeah, she's fat. 1.00
00:42:30.000 It was girls that brainwashed us into thinking fat is bad. 0.96
00:42:34.000 When you're a young man, you know, outside of obese.
00:42:36.000 This is the 80s.
00:42:37.000 We didn't have obese.
00:42:38.000 You're just like, she's awesome. 0.93
00:42:39.000 She's got boobies. 1.00
00:42:43.000 Um, but we used to, like, I would just draw a guy.
00:42:47.000 We'd be in chemistry class.
00:42:48.000 I would draw a guy, big, huge, fat guy. 0.96
00:42:52.000 And then I would make his head like the size of a penny.
00:42:56.000 And I would hold up this drawing that took, like, 20 minutes to make and show it to Digger, and he would just fall off his chair, collapse laughing, and then he'd be sent into the hallway.
00:43:04.000 I remember he did a drawing once.
00:43:06.000 It kind of looked like Milo from the album The Descendants.
00:43:09.000 Milo goes to college or whatever.
00:43:11.000 It looked like Milo with those kind of glasses, but the top of his head was just a plant, and it had leaves.
00:43:16.000 And he worked hard on it.
00:43:17.000 And then I hear, like, psst, psst. 0.99
00:43:19.000 And I look over, and he holds up the piece of paper with that stupid drawing on it. 1.00
00:43:24.000 And I'm dead! 1.00
00:43:26.000 I fall off my chair, or my head is on the desk, and I'm getting in trouble.
00:43:33.000 That, if you show me a funny drawing today, I would just go, that's a funny drawing.
00:43:37.000 That's nice. 0.97
00:43:39.000 Sort of like sex. 0.99
00:43:39.000 I mean, back then, a girl could just, like, touch the front of your jeans, and you'd have 3,000 orgasms and have to go to the hospital. 0.99
00:43:47.000 Now, you basically have to punch me in the face, and, uh, I'm not gonna get into the details, I'm married.
00:43:57.000 So, um, we had this game, it was called Getting Got, and it makes no sense to me now, but when you're basically on nitrous oxide, which is what adolescence is, it was the funniest thing in the world.
00:44:11.000 So what you do is, you hide somewhere in a room, behind a ledge, such that only your eyes are showing.
00:44:19.000 Not your nose, just your eyes, right?
00:44:22.000 So like go to your desk right now and lower yourself down.
00:44:26.000 Actually, it would be perfect.
00:44:27.000 I wish we had cubicles back then.
00:44:29.000 Be perfect in a cubicle office where you just sort of raise your eyes.
00:44:32.000 So you're just peering at the guy over the top of his cubicle wall and you wait there.
00:44:38.000 Sometimes it could be for an hour.
00:44:41.000 And then when he finally sees you, he collapses.
00:44:45.000 And so, you do things like, you could do it sideways too, like on the edge of a column or something.
00:44:50.000 There'd be your friend working, he'd be doing, you'd be at some sort of, I don't know, school hobby thing, or he'd be at the auditorium or something, or in class, and then you would just sort of, maybe through the little square window of the door of the classroom, you would just sort of poke your head there with your eyes, just staring, no expression, right?
00:45:07.000 They can't see your nose or your mouth. 0.90
00:45:09.000 And you stare at the guy and then he'd eventually meet your eyes and fucking collapse laughing. 0.96
00:45:14.000 The greatest one I ever experienced was Digger. 0.99
00:45:18.000 Dog boy.
00:45:20.000 He was in a school bus, and I'm walking home, he's coming by, and, you know, for every ten times you try to get someone, nine of them go down the toilet and they don't notice you.
00:45:32.000 But when it hits, boy does it hit.
00:45:34.000 So he's driving by in the school bus, and just his eyes, he's lured himself in the seat and put himself up against the window, so just his eyes are peering out, and I happen to look up at the school bus, and I see these eyeballs go by.
00:45:46.000 And my knees, it was like I just got shot in the knees. 0.98
00:45:50.000 Both my knees just ceased to be and I fucking collapse. 0.99
00:45:55.000 Dying! 0.99
00:45:56.000 Dying laughing and he doesn't even get to enjoy seeing me laugh because he's off.
00:46:00.000 He's on his way home when the school bus.
00:46:04.000 Another fun game we used to do is piss on each other.
00:46:09.000 Uh, so there's nowhere to go, right?
00:46:11.000 You're 14, 15 and we're in Kanata, Ontario.
00:46:14.000 There's nowhere to go, but we use that to our advantage.
00:46:17.000 And what we do is we, uh, walk into the woods with a 2-4, that's 24 beers, for maybe 40 minutes.
00:46:29.000 And then you're in the middle of nowhere.
00:46:32.000 You can light a huge bonfire if you want.
00:46:36.000 And that's called a bush bash.
00:46:38.000 So we would do those every weekend.
00:46:40.000 And it was hard to get beer.
00:46:43.000 You had to wait by the liquor store and find some loser who would agree to buy you beer in exchange for one or two beers. 1.00
00:46:48.000 Isn't that idiotic? 1.00
00:46:50.000 That guy's risking a felony. 1.00
00:46:52.000 I mean, what if one of us takes that beer and then dries drunk and then kills someone?
00:47:00.000 Surely he's going to get charged.
00:47:01.000 He facilitated this murder. 1.00
00:47:04.000 So some dork loser would save the day, and he would buy his beer. 1.00
00:47:09.000 Now, it's hard to get drunk on beer, so what we would do is you'd open all six at once, and then with a straw, just attack them all. 0.99
00:47:15.000 Trying to get a buzz.
00:47:16.000 You'd drink six there in a field by the liquor store, and you'd go over the Canada Overpass, and you would walk for an hour.
00:47:24.000 I gotta remember to mention the Canada Overpass, too.
00:47:29.000 Walk for an hour through the bushes, and then have this, like, secret lair.
00:47:32.000 It was awesome!
00:47:34.000 And there was little areas, you had to make sure you left early because if you stayed too late it would just be rockers.
00:47:40.000 And the rockers all came from broken homes, like the Headbangers.
00:47:43.000 And they wanted to fight.
00:47:45.000 And they'd be drunk and in the woods.
00:47:47.000 I remember one time we were walking home, this black kid, Sheldon, who was a banger, he had to straighten his hair, was like whipping us with sticks. 1.00
00:47:54.000 And there was only two of us and he was in a gang of like ten.
00:47:58.000 They were trying to hit us with sticks, they ended up chasing us out of there. 0.92
00:48:02.000 So time you're leaving early, there was another chick, I won't mention her name, but I had sex with her on top of this mossy rock. 1.00
00:48:10.000 And when I got home that night, I had twigs and moss in my foreskin. 1.00
00:48:13.000 And I realized I wasn't going into her vagina. 1.00
00:48:16.000 I was going into the moss in between her legs. 1.00
00:48:20.000 And she found out about that.
00:48:21.000 And she goes, she found out she was on a list of girls that I'd done it with. 0.63
00:48:24.000 And she goes, I want off that list.
00:48:27.000 That was moss, not me.
00:48:29.000 I don't know how she knew.
00:48:31.000 Anyway.
00:48:33.000 Um, we would go to these bush bashes and do shotguns and get wasted.
00:48:39.000 And it was, it was us using what we had been given, which was nothing, literally nothing, and making it into a huge, awesome party.
00:48:49.000 There's just the abyss, the Canadian wilderness, nothing out there but farmland.
00:48:53.000 And we made it into an awesome party and had a bonfire.
00:48:59.000 And that's what you gotta do.
00:49:00.000 By the way, those have been cancelled now because some kid came home, and I think he wandered out onto the freeway and got hit by a car and died, and those are all abolished now.
00:49:07.000 And that's horrible.
00:49:09.000 Obviously, it's horrible that kid died, but it's also horrible that that custom is gone.
00:49:14.000 You know, these kids can't have fun.
00:49:16.000 The Kanata Overpass, by the way, you can look it up online, it's right by the Kanata Town Centre, and it goes over this massive freeway.
00:49:23.000 The Queens Expressway, I think it's called.
00:49:25.000 I think it goes all the way to Vancouver.
00:49:27.000 Massive highway of, like, eight lanes.
00:49:30.000 And an initiation into our gang was to walk over the top of it.
00:49:36.000 And I still shudder when I remember that.
00:49:38.000 I don't even want to look at it on Google Maps right now.
00:49:41.000 Because if you fell, you'd fall like 200 feet.
00:49:45.000 And if the impact didn't kill you, you'd be hit by an 18-wheeler.
00:49:49.000 I think when I went over it, to be totally honest, I don't think I walked.
00:49:52.000 I think I sort of crawled on my belly.
00:49:54.000 But then there was this dude, Craig Fraser, and he was kind of a nerd, came from a tough home.
00:50:00.000 I think he lived in a trailer park or something. 0.99
00:50:03.000 I believe he took his motherfucking bike over the top of the Canada Overpass. 0.99
00:50:07.000 It's a, this is sort of a tube, right? 0.99
00:50:11.000 It's an encased plexiglass bridge, cement bottom, glass on the sides, like any sort of enclosed bridge that goes over a freeway.
00:50:19.000 But obviously if you were to crawl out on the top of it, you'd have this thin, maybe three foot wide cement part along the top that's like the spine that we would walk over.
00:50:29.000 Oh God!
00:50:31.000 I remember guys go, I want to join you guys, but I don't want to do that.
00:50:34.000 And I would say, good, then don't.
00:50:35.000 Because I don't want to be responsible if you die.
00:50:37.000 I don't want to be the guy who insisted that you do it.
00:50:42.000 And Craig Fraser rode his BMX across the top of it.
00:50:47.000 I don't even know if anyone was there.
00:50:49.000 Maybe he was lying.
00:50:50.000 God, I hope he was lying.
00:50:56.000 Speaking of the Canada Overpass, because we were sort of not part of the school hierarchy, I've mentioned this before, it's like having a Scottish accent in Britain.
00:51:07.000 You're not upper class or lower class, you're freaks. 0.94
00:51:09.000 You guys are the weirdo, misfits, animal house type of thing, so you don't apply. 0.99
00:51:16.000 Uh, and we thought, okay, let's take advantage of this.
00:51:18.000 Now that there's no rules with us, let's increase our Island of Misfit Toys factor and bring in David McIntosh.
00:51:26.000 Now, David was a raging nerd, clearly autistic, probably works at NASA today. 0.92
00:51:32.000 And, uh, he had been bullied quite a bit.
00:51:34.000 I remember him being bullied where they were going to throw him in the creek.
00:51:37.000 This was at my previous school, Diabri Moody.
00:51:39.000 And there was a creek that ran through it.
00:51:41.000 And the bullies were going to put him in the creek.
00:51:44.000 And so he just walked in the creek up to his waist and said, you happy now?
00:51:47.000 That's the kind of nerd he was.
00:51:48.000 Very logical.
00:51:50.000 So we bring him in.
00:51:51.000 And back then you would steal jungle juice, right?
00:51:54.000 I hope kids still do that at least.
00:51:56.000 We'd get a jar.
00:51:58.000 It never had the top.
00:52:00.000 And you go to your parents liquor cabinet and you're like, vodka, slow gin, whiskey, wine, old rotten wine that your dad forgot to throw out that has corked long ago, and you would make this jungle juice of different drinks.
00:52:15.000 You know Skeeter and Cheese's dad was so aware of this that he started marking the bottles and then they would steal from the bottles and add water.
00:52:24.000 So then he got like this alcohol-like stick that you could put in and judge the alcohol content to see if his stuff was being diluted.
00:52:32.000 He was ahead of the game.
00:52:35.000 So then you'd put saran wrap on top and like 40 rubber bands.
00:52:39.000 And that was your jungle juice.
00:52:40.000 And we used to have this pact.
00:52:41.000 We're gonna drink till we puke, right?
00:52:43.000 Remember one night Tom Williams, the guy who tried to fart on me, he didn't puke and we were so pissed.
00:52:48.000 It was like we'd been stabbed in the back. 0.50
00:52:50.000 Tom, everyone puked on Friday but you.
00:52:54.000 What have you done?
00:52:55.000 I thought you were one of us and you just... Et tu, Tom A?
00:53:03.000 So we said, let's bring David McIntosh on board.
00:53:05.000 So we give him some jungle juice.
00:53:07.000 And he gets way too wasted.
00:53:09.000 And there was a couple of chicks that would come in and out of the gang. 1.00
00:53:12.000 There was Mylin Nguyen, who was a 8.5.
00:53:14.000 She's still around today.
00:53:18.000 My Lin was half Vietnamese, breathtakingly gorgeous, like shocking to look at. 1.00
00:53:24.000 Um, but it's Canada, right? 0.97
00:53:26.000 So she talks like that's fucking poser and she, she lived way out further out in Kerp than most of us, eh? 1.00
00:53:31.000 So you're looking at like something that looks like she's out of a Disney cartoon, like Milan or something like that, eh? 0.99
00:53:36.000 But she's got on a fucking lumberjack jacket and drinking a two-four and calling everyone by their last name. 1.00
00:53:40.000 Fucking look at McInnes over here. 1.00
00:53:43.000 Laughing his ass off. 1.00
00:53:44.000 Fucking thinking he's hot shit. 1.00
00:53:46.000 It was super bizarre. 1.00
00:53:47.000 It was like Billy Idol.
00:53:49.000 He's got his punk look and he's like...
00:53:57.000 Oh, I forgot to tell you about the peeing.
00:53:58.000 But let me finish the David McIntosh thing.
00:54:00.000 So, uh, we give him some jungle juice, and then I realize, uh-oh.
00:54:05.000 What have we done here?
00:54:07.000 We went through the fourth dimension.
00:54:09.000 This is like poltergeist.
00:54:10.000 We reached in with a baseball on a rope, and we pulled in something out of Stranger Things.
00:54:17.000 One of those carcankeradons, rhododendrons.
00:54:19.000 I haven't watched the show, but my family likes it.
00:54:23.000 We've done something wrong here.
00:54:25.000 We've violated the space-time continuum.
00:54:27.000 And so, he starts projectile vomiting, and there was this girl in our gang, Tammy Conkle.
00:54:33.000 And, uh, he starts falling in love with her.
00:54:36.000 Yeah, dude, okay.
00:54:37.000 You know, ask her on a date next week.
00:54:39.000 Not tonight, we're partying.
00:54:41.000 We're trying to puke here.
00:54:43.000 And I remember him on the Canada Overpass, not on the top, thank God.
00:54:47.000 And he's just projectiling, projectile vomiting jungle juice.
00:54:52.000 Roaring.
00:54:53.000 And he was like, Tammy, I love you!
00:54:55.000 And I remember seeing him just fill the overpass as she sort of shook and walked away.
00:55:03.000 She wasn't turned on, believe it or not.
00:55:05.000 I love you too, David.
00:55:06.000 And I remember that night thinking, there's certain things you can't do.
00:55:13.000 Like, sometimes there's an order to the universe, and there's a meritocracy there, and if someone is worthy of a gang, they will naturally end up there.
00:55:24.000 Don't go messing with the natural order of things.
00:55:27.000 It was a formative of affirmative action, really, and it was wrong. 0.60
00:55:31.000 Like, say Brad Pitt said to the head of the Brad Pitt fan club, and I assume she's fat, 0.97
00:55:38.000 And ugly and probably has short hair. 1.00
00:55:40.000 Say he went to her. 1.00
00:55:41.000 I'd love to have sex with you. 1.00
00:55:43.000 Do you think they're going to make love? 0.99
00:55:45.000 Do you think it's going to look like a Harlequin romance?
00:55:48.000 No, it's going to be a mess.
00:55:49.000 She's going to puke from fear and nerves.
00:55:51.000 She's going to be crying the whole time. 0.60
00:55:53.000 She's going to be saying, I'm so fat. 0.99
00:55:54.000 You hate me. 0.95
00:55:55.000 And I'm ruining this. 1.00
00:55:56.000 I'm such a loser.
00:55:58.000 I love you, Brad. 0.95
00:56:00.000 It's going to be a mess. 1.00
00:56:01.000 Brad Pitt cannot fuck the head of the Brad Pitt fan club. 1.00
00:56:04.000 It'll be a mess. 1.00
00:56:04.000 Cause you're messing with the natural order of things. 1.00
00:56:06.000 She's meant to just fawn over him. 0.57
00:56:08.000 He's meant to have Angelina Jolie.
00:56:10.000 Sorry.
00:56:11.000 I'm an egalitarian.
00:56:12.000 I'm into the underdog.
00:56:13.000 I'm not a classist by any means.
00:56:15.000 But.
00:56:16.000 Don't mess with things.
00:56:18.000 Let it happen naturally.
00:56:19.000 Alright, so to get back to pissing.
00:56:22.000 Um.
00:56:23.000 At these bush bashes.
00:56:25.000 Right.
00:56:25.000 There's no rules.
00:56:26.000 It's Lord of the Flies.
00:56:28.000 Piggy has the conch shell.
00:56:30.000 And Digger was the best guy to do this to for some reason.
00:56:33.000 I don't know why.
00:56:34.000 Dog boy. 1.00
00:56:35.000 You go up to him and you just sort of gently pull out your penis and you aim it at his leg. 1.00
00:56:42.000 And then you got your beer, and you don't touch your penis, and you just talk to him as you piss on his leg. 0.99
00:56:48.000 Now the funny thing about this is, and by the way, this isn't bullying, he's gonna get you back. 0.99
00:56:55.000 This is what I think a lot of young people don't understand, like, I dare you to eat that spider.
00:56:59.000 Okay, I'm gonna eat the spider, but now we're part of the same gang and you're gonna have to eat a spider sometime.
00:57:04.000 Or else you're just little Lord Fauntleroy dictating these horrible things you have to do.
00:57:10.000 Once you open that Pandora's box of dares, you're in it with us, dude. 0.59
00:57:16.000 So when I'm pissing on Derek's, um, sorry, uh, Digger's leg, I know that I'm getting pissed on.
00:57:20.000 I don't care. 0.95
00:57:22.000 Plus it's not like on the crotch, it's just on the shin.
00:57:25.000 It dries up.
00:57:26.000 Anyway, the funny thing about peeing on a guy is it's body temperature.
00:57:31.000 So you don't notice.
00:57:32.000 This is not the Ice Bucket Challenge.
00:57:35.000 It's whatever we are.
00:57:36.000 The pee is like 96 degrees.
00:57:36.000 97 degrees?
00:57:41.000 So you're sitting there, leaking on a dude, talking and going, yeah, I don't know man, Debbie is, she's like a nice girl, but I don't know if she's the one for you.
00:57:50.000 And then Digger's like, why do you care so much about my relationship with Debbie?
00:57:54.000 Uh, what was her name? 0.92
00:57:55.000 Debbie Deliva?
00:57:57.000 I forget her name.
00:57:58.000 Anyway, why do you care so much about me and Deb?
00:58:00.000 Why are you so giggly? 1.00
00:58:01.000 OH MY FUCKING GOD! 1.00
00:58:03.000 DUDE! 1.00
00:58:04.000 And you realize the guy's been pissing on you, that's why he was laughing so hard. 0.98
00:58:09.000 God, that was a fun one.
00:58:14.000 I've got them all listed here.
00:58:15.000 Oh yeah, we would also break into the gym.
00:58:18.000 There's a lot of stealing.
00:58:19.000 A lot of those times with stealing, just check the door.
00:58:22.000 I went to Carleton University. 1.00
00:58:23.000 It was called Cartoon University because it was for stupid people. 1.00
00:58:26.000 And there's these underground tunnels that fill up the school. 1.00
00:58:29.000 And the janitors ride golf carts through them.
00:58:31.000 And you can walk literally for three miles.
00:58:35.000 On these underground tunnels.
00:58:36.000 And you don't want to.
00:58:37.000 It's not exactly nice.
00:58:39.000 And some anus at the college realized they could save a thousand dollars a year if they unscrew every second bulb. 0.96
00:58:45.000 So they're dismal, dark.
00:58:47.000 It's literally like something out of Lost.
00:58:49.000 Like it's depressing.
00:58:52.000 But Steve, the guy from the other podcast episode, the guy doesn't like me anymore either.
00:58:57.000 He just goes, I'm going to try this.
00:58:58.000 He puts his car key into the ignition for the golf cart.
00:59:02.000 Run-n-n-n-n-n-n-n. 1.00
00:59:04.000 And we just start taking golf carts to school every day.
00:59:04.000 And it works.
00:59:07.000 Occasionally we'd be caught by janitors, and we'd just say, John told us.
00:59:10.000 There's probably going to be a John.
00:59:12.000 And we would get away with it.
00:59:14.000 Hey man, it's Ottawa.
00:59:15.000 You got hustled.
00:59:19.000 So, we're trying out the gym one day, and we realize the janitor's closet that leads to the gym is open.
00:59:26.000 So we go in through the janitor's closet.
00:59:28.000 We're up in the gym.
00:59:29.000 No one's around.
00:59:30.000 It's lunchtime.
00:59:31.000 So then we start grabbing the wrestling mats.
00:59:34.000 And we pull them out to underneath the basketball net.
00:59:37.000 Huge four foot mats on top of each other.
00:59:40.000 So now we have like, no, no, maybe two foot mats on two.
00:59:43.000 So we have four feet of mats all over the place.
00:59:46.000 Then we climb up onto the basketball hoop and we start having competition.
00:59:49.000 Who can back flip off the basketball net onto the, uh,
00:59:54.000 On to the mattresses. 0.93
00:59:55.000 And I just remembered Steve and Digger both were too scared to do it.
01:00:00.000 And they did that thing that adolescent boys do where they try to make it cool that they chickened out.
01:00:05.000 And I remember them saying, I'm glad I didn't do it. 1.00
01:00:07.000 It's fucking stupid and dangerous. 1.00
01:00:09.000 And it shows that I'm probably going to live a lot longer than you guys because I understand survival. 1.00
01:00:15.000 And I was like, whatever, pussies, you chickened out. 1.00
01:00:18.000 And on the way out that day, 0.99
01:00:21.000 Steve lay a giant cable in the janitor's little area there in between the gym and the hallway like where his desk is and where some gym equipment is.
01:00:32.000 He just lay a huge black sock right on the ground.
01:00:34.000 He pooed on the ground.
01:00:37.000 Can you imagine what that janitor thought when he opened it?
01:00:41.000 It's got his keys with like 700 keys and he opens it up. 1.00
01:00:48.000 Fucking animals. 1.00
01:00:51.000 These animals. 1.00
01:00:52.000 I don't know how you pick it up.
01:00:54.000 If I was him, I would get some newspaper and lay a sheet down, then another page, then another page, then another page, and then sort of pick up all the pages at once, hoping I don't even feel the texture. 0.98
01:01:05.000 Poor bastard. 0.99
01:01:06.000 What a bunch of terrible kids we were. 1.00
01:01:07.000 Alright, what else have I got here?
01:01:12.000 Party crackers, dead cat, stuffed in a trunk.
01:01:15.000 I remember there was a lot of us, right? 0.99
01:01:17.000 Rick Lull, one of the farmer kids, that guy that I lifted off the ground by punching him in the balls. 0.99
01:01:22.000 Oh, another funny thing we do too is people would sit by their lockers, usually losers who didn't want to socialize, and they'd have like their one friend that they liked, and they'd sit on their ass on their locker in the hallway. 0.97
01:01:33.000 Instead of like socializing in the main area there by the cafeteria.
01:01:37.000 And if I was with someone, I would sort of get them right to my left hand side so our shoulders were almost touching.
01:01:43.000 And I'd pretend I was engaged in the conversation. 0.99
01:01:46.000 And then just when you get near those kids who were studying, sitting on their asses, BOOM! 0.99
01:01:51.000 You shove the dude. 0.98
01:01:53.000 And lockers were so good.
01:01:54.000 They had the perfect amount of give.
01:01:56.000 Like you could be shot out of a cannon and hit the lockers and it wouldn't really hurt.
01:02:00.000 They had that sort of air in the middle there.
01:02:02.000 They had good shock.
01:02:04.000 So you'd send your buddy, not just smashing into the lockers, but tumbling over those two people, ruin their books and everything.
01:02:12.000 God, we were bad kids.
01:02:13.000 We used to go to Sandbanks in Ontario.
01:02:16.000 It's sort of like Spring Break.
01:02:18.000 It's a beachy area.
01:02:20.000 Yes, we have beaches in Canada.
01:02:21.000 And we'd do this horrible thing where we'd see kids working on a sandcastle and we would walk and pretend we're really engrossed in conversation and walk through the sandcastle as we were talking and then stop and go, Oh my God!
01:02:37.000 Oh my god, I'm so sorry!
01:02:38.000 I didn't see you guys there!
01:02:39.000 I am so sorry!
01:02:40.000 As you just crunched through their giant sand castle.
01:02:44.000 And their look, they just have this look of like, what just happened?
01:02:48.000 That's two hours washed away.
01:02:48.000 How can?
01:02:50.000 That's the kind of kids we were.
01:02:52.000 We were bad eggs.
01:02:54.000 And you should be a bad egg when you're a kid.
01:02:59.000 So yeah, there was about 12 of us, and the only one who had a car was a farmer's kid, Rick.
01:03:04.000 It was like an old Chevy Nova.
01:03:05.000 So we'd just pile in the trunk.
01:03:07.000 There'd be like two people in the front, four in the back, and then five in the trunk of the car.
01:03:14.000 And you're whipping through, maybe for 20 minutes, headed to McDonald's or something.
01:03:20.000 We did a scavenger hunt one year.
01:03:21.000 And there was all the- I think the guy who started it, it was Cheese's big brother, Sean, got arrested for it.
01:03:27.000 But it was all things like get a picture taken with cops, steal this statue from McDonald's, uh, uh, go break this window.
01:03:35.000 It was this massive list.
01:03:37.000 And we weren't even close to the winners because we just got wasted and stuff.
01:03:40.000 But anyway, you're in the trunk of a car for all this time.
01:03:42.000 So vulnerable.
01:03:44.000 So easy to get killed.
01:03:44.000 I feel like I'm making this too long.
01:03:46.000 Oh, yeah.
01:03:47.000 I gotta remember this.
01:03:50.000 Oh, I should remember that too.
01:03:51.000 Alright.
01:03:53.000 Foreskin fights.
01:03:54.000 Now, as I mentioned earlier, we were about half British, our friends.
01:03:58.000 Half British immigrants. 0.59
01:03:59.000 I was a British immigrant.
01:04:01.000 And British people have foreskins. 0.99
01:04:03.000 The reason that you dummies are circumcised here in America is because Dr. Joseph Kellogg's, of Kellogg's Corn Flakes, Dr. Joseph Kellogg, sorry, he decided men are masturbating too much, which is true, actually. 0.98
01:04:15.000 But I don't agree with his methods. 0.99
01:04:16.000 My solution to masturbating too much is to stop masturbating. 1.00
01:04:21.000 Mr. Kellogg's solution was to genitally mutilate babies. 1.00
01:04:25.000 So not a Muslim thing, not a Jew thing. 0.98
01:04:28.000 He decided that nothing to do with the Bible. 1.00
01:04:31.000 Young boys should have their foreskins cut off so their penises feel less good, so they'll masturbate less. 0.99
01:04:35.000 So when I was a boy in Canada, everyone who was like second-generation Canadian was circumcised. 1.00
01:04:41.000 Everyone who was first-generation Canadian with British parents wasn't.
01:04:45.000 That turned out to be about 50-50.
01:04:48.000 So we would fight each other based on who was circumcised and who wasn't. 0.86
01:04:53.000 And we were all friends with each other, of course, until these fights came.
01:04:57.000 And the way you would announce a fight is, if you had a foreskin, you would go, Ahooga! 0.79
01:05:05.000 Ahooga! 0.99
01:05:08.000 Like at a party, or outside, anywhere.
01:05:13.000 And once you made that announcement, the foreskin guys would go to one side of the party. 0.82
01:05:17.000 Girls hated this, by the way. 1.00
01:05:19.000 It would empty the party of all girls. 0.59
01:05:22.000 And the circumcised guys would go to the other side of the room. 0.96
01:05:26.000 Then we would charge at each other, fight, punch, and ultimately wedgie the guy. 0.88
01:05:31.000 That was sort of like the final thing was an atomic wedgie.
01:05:33.000 That was our scalping.
01:05:34.000 That was how we knew that we had won is a number of waistbands you had, right?
01:05:40.000 We love that girls hated it, too. 0.94
01:05:43.000 It was like, uh... It was like telling our libidos to go fuck themselves. 1.00
01:05:47.000 Like, yeah, we're gonna blow our chances with these chicks. 1.00
01:05:50.000 That's what gambling is, by the way.
01:05:51.000 When you go to Vegas, you're really just saying, I'm sick of money lording over me. 1.00
01:05:55.000 I'm gonna make this a giant fuck you to money. 0.99
01:05:57.000 I don't even wanna win. 0.99
01:05:58.000 I wanna lose.
01:05:59.000 That's why when people win, they spend it again.
01:06:02.000 They don't want to go home with money.
01:06:04.000 Gambling is about a nephew to money.
01:06:05.000 I'll never forget this woman I saw.
01:06:06.000 She had a nice gown on.
01:06:08.000 This was in Vegas. 0.99
01:06:10.000 And there was that stupid bulldozer thing that pushes the coins over the edge. 0.99
01:06:14.000 She, as she won, which takes a long time to accrue that kind of coinage, she finally won. 1.00
01:06:21.000 Pushed it over the edge.
01:06:22.000 You know what she was doing with her winnings? 1.00
01:06:24.000 She couldn't get them back into the machine fast enough.
01:06:26.000 Now, you're starting back from scratch.
01:06:28.000 We can see from the bulldozer thing that there's a big empty space there that you just emptied.
01:06:33.000 That's yours now!
01:06:34.000 Why are you going back to the beginning?
01:06:36.000 But she didn't want the money.
01:06:38.000 She wanted to lose.
01:06:39.000 That's what we would do with these fights.
01:06:41.000 Anyway, sometimes a circumcised guy would call the fight and he would go, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip. 0.84
01:06:50.000 And the opposite would happen.
01:06:52.000 The circumcised guys would start ganging up on the one non-circumcised guy. 0.84
01:06:57.000 And it was funny, too, because, you know, you're sitting in a party, someone's house, someone has to babysit, whatever, someone's parents are away, and you sort of look around the room and you do a little mental tally and you go, oh my god, there are seven uncircumcised guys here and Cheese is the only dude who's circumcised. 0.99
01:07:19.000 And then he'd look around the room like a scared rabbit and we'd just pound him, rip his underwear to shreds, punch him in the head. 0.98
01:07:26.000 And it would happen to you too. 0.99
01:07:29.000 It happened to me a million times.
01:07:30.000 I'm sitting there laughing, the king of the party, like I'm totally rocking it.
01:07:34.000 Yeah, let's do a shot.
01:07:35.000 Yeah, let's have some more jungle juice.
01:07:37.000 And then I'd hear a snip, snip, snip, snip, snip.
01:07:39.000 And I'd look around and realize none of my foreskin brothers.
01:07:41.000 I remember at one party at Andy Miller's house,
01:07:45.000 I was ganged up on like that and just as the fists are coming towards me.
01:07:48.000 I just scream out And all the British kids downstairs hear that just come storming up the stairs All right, that's enough 1.00
01:08:05.000 Put a dead cat on the front.
01:08:07.000 We used to have Party Crackers on Tuesday where we'd bring Ritz Party Crackers to the P&Sportsplex and we all had to wear pajamas in the car.
01:08:16.000 Otherwise, I think I covered everything.
01:08:18.000 Oh yeah, one other thing we used to do.
01:08:19.000 Play Boomerang Death where we'd whip boomerangs at each other and you'd run for your life as these boomerangs were whipping through the sky.
01:08:25.000 That was super fun.
01:08:26.000 Moving cars is another thing we used to do.
01:08:28.000 If you have five guys,
01:08:31.000 Six is ideal, right?
01:08:32.000 Three on each bumper.
01:08:33.000 And you go, one, two, three, huah!
01:08:36.000 Especially like a Prius or something, you can move it a foot at a time.
01:08:40.000 So we'd spend the whole lunch taking some dude's car and we'd move it like on top of, in the middle of the football field, on top of a hill.
01:08:48.000 You'd be amazed how far you can move a car just by going, one, two, three, huah!
01:08:55.000 Anyway.
01:08:57.000 I could go on all day.
01:08:58.000 I've gone on for quite a while now.
01:08:59.000 I think this has been an hour long.
01:09:01.000 But there's a moral to all this.
01:09:02.000 And the moral is you don't need organized sports.
01:09:05.000 You don't need to be in a fun city.
01:09:07.000 You don't need to grow up in the Lower East Side or in East London.
01:09:14.000 You don't need to be in a band in Los Angeles.
01:09:16.000 Your scene, your little area is your New York City.
01:09:20.000 You can, you know, I've always said that I've never been envious of like the New York punk scene in the 70s because we had our own scene in Ottawa.
01:09:27.000 And even when you go to New York, we had our sort of early aughts scene with the hipsters and the strokes and vice or whatever.
01:09:35.000 And then someone else came in and made their scene. 0.89
01:09:38.000 New scene now seems to be pretty fucking lame and politically correct, but every old person scoffs at a young person's scene. 0.91
01:09:43.000 Maybe it's fun. 0.75
01:09:46.000 So that premise of come to New York, come to L.A., come to London to make your own scene doesn't need to apply to those big cities.
01:09:53.000 You can be in Kanata, Ontario, and look it up in Google Maps.
01:09:56.000 It could not be lamer. 0.96
01:09:59.000 It is, even to farmers, like in the country it's cool.
01:10:02.000 You can hunt and go ride your ATV around.
01:10:04.000 The Carpies would ride their Skidoos.
01:10:07.000 We didn't have that.
01:10:08.000 We had the worst of all worlds.
01:10:10.000 We were in the burbs, not near anything, and without the advantages of being in the country.
01:10:15.000 And we still made that fun!
01:10:17.000 How? 0.98
01:10:18.000 By making up totally retarded rules, parameters, fighting, fucking with teachers, getting in trouble, getting expelled, getting s- Oh my god, we got suspended and I can't even remember why. 0.99
01:10:30.000 I remember Colin wasn't- Well, he was suspended for three days. 0.99
01:10:38.000 Sacco, the fat kid. 0.97
01:10:40.000 I can't even remember what the hell that was. 0.99
01:10:42.000 Something like a plastic gun? 0.99
01:10:45.000 Holy shit, that's a good sign though. 0.99
01:10:48.000 You know, it goes back to Animal House, where he says, we may have taken some liberties with guests. 0.99
01:10:54.000 I'm not denying that, we did.
01:10:55.000 Then he winks at the Dean.
01:10:57.000 And he says, but to indict a few bad apples, is that not to indict the entire fraternity system?
01:11:03.000 And to indict the fraternity system, is that not to indict the educational system in America?
01:11:08.000 And if you're going to indict America's education, are you not indicting this entire country?
01:11:14.000 Well, you can do what you want to us.
01:11:17.000 After he says, I'll put it to you, Greg, but I'm not going to sit here and let you bad mouth the United States of America!
01:11:25.000 Gentlemen!
01:11:27.000 We're good.
01:11:44.000 I don't need you.
01:11:44.000 I don't need money.
01:11:45.000 I don't even need booze.
01:11:48.000 I'll steal my jungle juice. 0.99
01:11:50.000 And I will create a scene that is just exciting and stupid and fun as any other dumb scene that's in the history books. 0.95
01:11:57.000 By the way, half the time these scenes that you read about, like the Washington DC hardcore scene or the Studio 54 New York scene, only seem magical because there's tons of black and white photographs. 0.97
01:12:08.000 And there's tons of black-and-white photographs of them because rich people were around.
01:12:11.000 In Washington, D.C., the hardcore kids were all the son of rich academics and bureaucrats, so they all had their own darkroom.
01:12:16.000 That's why there's 700 awesome pictures of bad brains and minor threat, because there was rich kids with cameras in darkrooms. 0.86
01:12:24.000 You have your own bad brains and minor threat. 0.98
01:12:26.000 You have your own crazy scenes. 1.00
01:12:28.000 All you have to do is make them happen. 1.00
01:12:30.000 Make stupid rules, get in trouble, fuck with authority, and create your own culture. 1.00
01:12:37.000 It's fun. 1.00
01:12:39.000 So thanks for listening, guys.
01:12:40.000 This is Get Off My Lawn, the free podcast, up Tuesdays and Fridays every week.
01:12:45.000 I also have the paywall show.
01:12:47.000 You can enter the promo code GAVIN to get $10 off a year's supply of the show.
01:12:52.000 It's on 830 every night, 45 minutes around.
01:12:56.000 Get Off My Lawn at CRTV.com forward slash GAVIN, and the promo code is the word GAVIN.
01:13:01.000 Third show we're working on is called CRTV Tonight.
01:13:04.000 That's still in the works.
01:13:05.000 That's still on the drawing board.
01:13:09.000 I'll keep you posted about that, but I will see you next Monday.
01:13:12.000 We're going down to Florida for spring training, so it's going to be all Mets, all baseball next week, Tuesday to Thursday. 0.95
01:13:21.000 Monday, the show is completely dedicated to an idiotic video I saw about 10 reasons why Disney movies are bigoted. 0.98