Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - March 16, 2018


Get Off My Lawn Podcast #33 | The Best Childhood

Topics
having a kid outlaw Fortnite laundry language learning having kids bmx bikes parenting family dinners and traditions making babies
Hosted by
Gavin McInnes
Mentioned
Johnny Depp Homemade Harry Potter Fortnite Charles Murray Marshall Bell Armenia Damien Gavin Naomi Schaefer Riley Steven Spielberg Norman Rockwell Lauren Southern Darren Alberti Daughter Dance Keith Richards Dead Kennedy Led Zeppelin Nick DiPaolo Pastor Brooks Jason Riley and 27 more
Get Off My Lawn #99 | Worst Rex He Ever Had Get Off My Lawn #100 | Betrayed

Episode Stats


Length

56 minutes

Words per minute

179.0

Word count

10,164

Sentence count

935

Harmful content

Misogyny

50

sentences flagged

Toxicity

159

sentences flagged

Hate speech

49

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

What's the deal with kids and the family? Is it a good or bad thing? Is there a war on the family going on in America right now, or is there something else we should be focusing on? I ll tell you what I think, and why you should be worried about it. I ll also talk about how much I love having kids, and how cute they are, and what a great idea it is to have a kid in your life. And I ll explain why I think it's a good idea to have more than one kid, because kids are cute, and it's great to have them around you, especially when they're young and cute and cute! And if you don't have kids, you might want to try it before you knock it out on your lawn, because it's really fun having a little one in your house, especially if they're like 5 or 6 years old and you're not particularly impressed by celebrity kids, which is like... But if you've never had a kid, you can't even imagine this? It's hard to imagine this, but if you do have one, you're in for a treat, because you're gonna love it, right? I'll tell you why it's not a bad thing, and I'll give you some tips on how to keep them in your home, because they're so cute, it'll make you feel like you're a little bit better than you could ever be without them in a big house like that you've ever had one in a place like that's been your own. or a big one like that was like that it's like that, you'll get a little cuteness like that. You can have it all the cuteness in your own little house and you can have them at your house like a star in your front yard or something like that? You're not gonna want to miss it, you know what I bet they're gonna like it, it's going to be a lot of cuteness, you won't want to have one like it you'll like it? - it's gonna be a cuteness that's gonna make you think of them as much cuteness as you do it like you do that, like a little kid you're at peak cuteness you're going to have it like that in your kid is like, like, a big cuteness at 2-5 or 5-5?

Transcript

Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:01.000 The best childhood in the history of childhoods must have been Brooklyn in the 1950s.
00:00:10.000 It was a great time for America, great time for the West, because you don't know what you got till it's gone.
00:00:18.000 And they just came out of World War II, which was really hell, right? 0.65
00:00:22.000 Hell on Earth?
00:00:24.000 And there was this sort of rebirth.
00:00:27.000 That's why there was a baby boom. 0.90
00:00:29.000 Because people were so happy to be alive.
00:00:31.000 They were jubilant in Britain during the Jubilee.
00:00:35.000 Of course, that was juxtaposed by finding out what happened in World War II and seeing the pictures of the dead Jews and learning about the concentration camps.
00:00:44.000 I don't think we really knew the extent of Hitler's carnage.
00:00:49.000 Until after the war.
00:00:51.000 I talked to G. Vaucher about that.
00:00:52.000 She's the woman who did all the graphics for Crash.
00:00:55.000 You probably know her beautiful realist sketch of the Statue of Liberty putting her face in her hands.
00:01:04.000 That's almost everyone's avatar these days.
00:01:09.000 Okay, that's a slight exaggeration.
00:01:11.000 Almost everyone.
00:01:12.000 Maybe a hundred people use that as an avatar.
00:01:15.000 She said that as a little kid, there was this strange combination in Britain of the joy of being out of the war, and the horror of seeing all these dead bodies, this carnage, learning what had just gone on.
00:01:30.000 And you see that in her art, right?
00:01:32.000 She'll have a happy family, sitting around the dinner table like Norman Rockwell style, and then they'll be serving like a human head. 0.99
00:01:40.000 Which that Dead Kennedys dude ripped off, by the way.
00:01:44.000 Uh, and you know what?
00:01:45.000 In retrospect, that kind of bothers me.
00:01:48.000 That kind of art. 1.00
00:01:49.000 The, the, fuck the nuclear family art. 1.00
00:01:51.000 You know? 1.00
00:01:52.000 I grew up with that, with punk rock, and... What's the matter with the nuclear family? 0.95
00:01:57.000 Sometimes, and I love crafts, and I visit them every year, but, but that... I listen to the lyrics, like... Teaching little Johnny to shoot a gun.
00:02:06.000 Terrific way for father to get to know his son.
00:02:11.000 And I'm listening to it as an adult going, yeah, it is.
00:02:14.000 It's a great way for a father to get to know his son.
00:02:18.000 Or they have another song where they go, system, system, system, teach it, no, force her to crawl. 1.00
00:02:25.000 And it's about, you know, how we train our children to be part of the system.
00:02:30.000 Uh, no, we don't.
00:02:32.000 And, um, uh, babies crawl on their own.
00:02:37.000 You don't force a baby to crawl.
00:02:41.000 And they talk about having a backyard and a swimming pools!
00:02:44.000 How do you get it?
00:02:45.000 Follow the rules!
00:02:47.000 Well, I've had some swimming pools over the years. 1.00
00:02:50.000 The way you get it is you bust your ass. 0.99
00:02:52.000 And, you know, a really nice one's about 50 grand. 1.00
00:02:55.000 And the kids love it.
00:02:56.000 It's a lot of fun.
00:02:57.000 I got one with lights in it.
00:02:58.000 I sold the property with it recently, but it was really fun when we had it.
00:03:02.000 It wasn't part of the system.
00:03:06.000 And that's why I want to make today's episode about kids and the family.
00:03:10.000 There's a real war on the family going.
00:03:11.000 I was talking to Alex Jones about this during the week and he said, you know, when people come up to him on the street and attack him, they'll yell things like, there's too many people in the world because he'll be with his kids.
00:03:24.000 And you go, what a strange insult.
00:03:28.000 What a strange priority.
00:03:29.000 You think I have too many kids? 1.00
00:03:32.000 Okay, so you must hate Mexicans, because they breed more than Americans. 1.00
00:03:37.000 And Mexican immigrants are 100% of our immigration growth. 0.97
00:03:41.000 The locals, the long-term Americans, the ones that have been here for generations, they don't really breed.
00:03:47.000 They do maybe two, or less than two.
00:03:49.000 So they're just basically steady.
00:03:52.000 But if you look at a graph,
00:03:54.000 But no, they don't mind that.
00:03:56.000 They like that.
00:03:56.000 The refugees.
00:03:57.000 I try not to make the podcast political.
00:04:15.000 I want to talk about how cute kids are, but sometimes it leaks into that.
00:04:19.000 And I worry about this hatred for the family, because I think, and I talked about this on my 100th episode on Get Off My Lawn, I think, guys, you might want to try it before you knock it.
00:04:32.000 It's really fun.
00:04:33.000 Having a little kid in your house, especially when they're at peak cuteness, which is like two to five, it's like Vince Neal's in your house.
00:04:42.000 Like, you can't believe you have a rock star in your house.
00:04:45.000 I know it's hard to convey.
00:04:47.000 I don't know what analogy to use.
00:04:50.000 I mean, uh, because you've never experienced this.
00:04:53.000 Like, I'm not particularly impressed by celebrity.
00:04:55.000 But if you are, okay, imagine, uh, uh, Louis C.K.
00:05:00.000 is in your house.
00:05:01.000 Actually, now you're worried he's gonna beat off in front of your family.
00:05:03.000 So, I don't, like, whoever your superstar is, that little person is in your home.
00:05:09.000 And just watching them eat a sandwich is a joy.
00:05:12.000 And it's hard to convey this because it sounds so boring to non-kids.
00:05:17.000 People, the childless, I should say.
00:05:20.000 But there's a study that these two homosexuals were touting about how you're less happy after you have kids and Lauren Southern debunked it in a video.
00:05:31.000 She did a reaction video and she says, and this is a woman without kids, she goes, I think what's happening here is you have a different scale of joy after kids.
00:05:43.000 So when you're childless, you go, this weekend was awesome!
00:05:47.000 I was so hungover.
00:05:48.000 I woke up at 2 p.m.
00:05:49.000 because we were doing coke till the sun came up, and then we just binged Netflix, had sex like four times, and ate Häagen-Dazs in bed.
00:05:58.000 And you go, all right, great.
00:06:00.000 That's awesome.
00:06:01.000 You should definitely have that under your belt.
00:06:03.000 But I would consider that the worst weekend ever now.
00:06:08.000 And so you you have a different level of joy because first you have this rock star in your house, but there's also this huge Sword of Damocles this huge sense of responsibility So you're not really happy
00:06:22.000 If you don't do anything that weekend, because you feel like you failed your kids.
00:06:25.000 Like last weekend, I took my son to baseball on Saturday, and then the whole family went skiing on Sunday.
00:06:31.000 You go to bed feeling really good that night, because they weren't on screens, and you go, I'm doing my job.
00:06:37.000 I feel fulfilled.
00:06:38.000 And that's joy.
00:06:39.000 Like when I'm away on business and I call my wife, when I say, how are you?
00:06:43.000 It really means, how are the kids?
00:06:45.000 And that will sound weird to you if you don't have kids.
00:06:48.000 But it really means, like if the kids are doing great, my wife's happy.
00:06:51.000 They say happy wife, happy life.
00:06:53.000 Well, happy kids, happy wife.
00:06:56.000 Well then just spoil them.
00:06:57.000 Yeah, that's not, that doesn't work.
00:07:00.000 That's uh, candy for dinner. 0.85
00:07:02.000 It usually turns out shitty. 0.57
00:07:04.000 We actually do this thing once a year, I call it Kids Day.
00:07:08.000 Anything you want!
00:07:09.000 Anything!
00:07:11.000 Do whatever you want!
00:07:13.000 And inevitably they stare at screens all day, eat nothing but junk food, stay up till maybe 1, 2 a.m.
00:07:20.000 watching movies and stuff, playing video games.
00:07:23.000 They stare at a screen the whole time and then the next day they're destroyed.
00:07:27.000 And you realize, this is Lord of the Flies.
00:07:28.000 This is what would happen.
00:07:31.000 So this episode, I want to tell the childless to please make some babies. 0.97
00:07:37.000 Not for me, not really for society, although it helps society.
00:07:40.000 If you're listening to this podcast, you're the kind of person who should have kids.
00:07:43.000 At least you speak English.
00:07:48.000 And if you have kids, I would like to share some wisdom.
00:07:54.000 One thing I just came up with last week, by the way.
00:07:56.000 I have this problem as a parent, outside of Screams, which are the BANE OF MY EXISTENCE!
00:08:03.000 I'm having a carpenter come in on Saturday to build a safe for our screens.
00:08:10.000 I could do it myself, but I'm a very mediocre carpenter.
00:08:13.000 I love doing projects like that.
00:08:15.000 But if I ever want to sell this house, we can't have some shoddy door in our closet.
00:08:19.000 We have this nice walk-in closet.
00:08:21.000 I can't just have, like, a Gavin door there.
00:08:24.000 It has to match the rest of the cabinetry.
00:08:27.000 So I'm having a professional carpenter.
00:08:28.000 300 bucks he's charging me, by the way.
00:08:31.000 That's the problem with having a nice house.
00:08:33.000 Every time you get a quote, it's twice what you think it should be.
00:08:38.000 So, 300 bucks, and it's gonna be a little door, and I have a plug in that part of the closet, so I could have a power bar there, and I can plug in, you know, infinite iPads and iPhones, and I'm gonna be the only one with the keys.
00:08:49.000 And I will put all of the phones in there, because, I swear to God, it's like having Coke around Japs. 1.00
00:08:56.000 And by Japs, I mean Jewish American princesses.
00:08:59.000 And if you didn't grow up in Montreal or New York, you probably don't know what I'm talking about, but they are voracious when it comes to Coke.
00:09:04.000 If you're doing coke in the bathroom and there's a Jap around, you're gonna hear pounding on that door that it's gonna shake the deadbolt. 1.00
00:09:14.000 Holy Lord.
00:09:15.000 Yeah, even like this morning, I see, I come downstairs and I see my son sort of run away from the counter.
00:09:23.000 And I look over and there's, of course, my wife's left her cell phone there and he's checking baseball stats.
00:09:29.000 Which sounds innocent enough, but believe me, it just goes into memes and watching other people play Fortnite on YouTube.
00:09:36.000 That's the thing with the kids today.
00:09:37.000 They watch someone else play a video game. 0.98
00:09:40.000 You thought you couldn't get stupider than video games. 0.99
00:09:44.000 Nope! 0.99
00:09:45.000 There's worse.
00:09:46.000 There's watching someone play a video game for hours.
00:09:51.000 And they go, wow, this guy's really good at this video game.
00:09:54.000 Fortnite is the big one now.
00:09:56.000 Don't worry, I'm not going to forget the cupboard.
00:09:58.000 But Fortnite is this game where you go around shooting people, murdering them.
00:10:03.000 And, you know, with all these school shootings, you don't like the idea of trivializing mass murder.
00:10:08.000 But, on the other hand, say you totally outlaw it, right?
00:10:12.000 You're separating your kid from everyone else.
00:10:15.000 It's sort of like homeschooling.
00:10:16.000 Yes, it's better for the kid.
00:10:18.000 It's higher quality education, obviously.
00:10:21.000 But, you're also making your kid a freak.
00:10:24.000 And I, you know, I hang out with all these weirdo anarchists, especially in Britain, and I'm with their homeschooled kids, and they're weird. 0.81
00:10:30.000 I'm sorry, but they're weird.
00:10:32.000 They talk to me like an adult.
00:10:34.000 So, Gavin, what do you do?
00:10:36.000 Are you in media? 1.00
00:10:38.000 Fuck off! 1.00
00:10:40.000 With your little homemade Harry Potter wand. 1.00
00:10:43.000 It's not even a Harry Potter wand, it's a homemade wizard wand, because you just use your imagination, because you don't have real toys.
00:10:49.000 You have a stick with a feather on it that you made.
00:10:51.000 Blech! 1.00
00:10:54.000 So if I outlaw Fortnite, I make him a freak, and he can't talk, you know, to his friends at school, and they also socialize playing this stupid game with their headphones on. 0.99
00:11:05.000 So I wanna... 0.96
00:11:07.000 I wanna make sure I monitor these kids, but I also don't want them to be Harry Potter freaks.
00:11:13.000 Homemade Harry Potter freaks.
00:11:16.000 Like my daughter!
00:11:17.000 I restrict screens from 730 to 8.
00:11:22.000 And that's when she socializes right on their little chats, and then I think so I cut that out And she's the only available for half an hour a day well now she can't socialize and the whole reason we moved to the burbs Was to try to get back to Brooklyn in the 50s or at least my bucolic childhood Which was suburban Canada in the 70s and in both cases you?
00:11:43.000 Disappear after breakfast and you come home when the streetlights go off pretty perfect
00:11:49.000 Pretty poor, too.
00:11:51.000 I mean, I grew up middle class, but my parents were poor. 0.99
00:11:55.000 So it's sort of like being poor, because they don't buy you shit. 0.99
00:11:59.000 No Star Wars toys. 0.99
00:12:01.000 No six million dollar man.
00:12:02.000 Just his boss, Oscar.
00:12:06.000 But it was still way better than my kids' super rich childhood.
00:12:10.000 Because we're here in the Burbs, and it's kind of a ghost town in the summer.
00:12:15.000 These rich people send their kids away,
00:12:18.000 Literally the day after the last day of school.
00:12:22.000 So they get out early, say noon, 9 a.m.
00:12:24.000 the next day they're on a school bus out of town for eight to nine weeks!
00:12:29.000 Isn't that weird?
00:12:30.000 And then when they come back, they have sailing lessons in the day and lacrosse and field hockey and all these other activities.
00:12:38.000 So there's no kids on the street in this kid neighborhood.
00:12:43.000 So anyway, step one to getting these kids out of the house
00:12:47.000 And getting them creative again is getting them bored.
00:12:51.000 Bored is like the gasoline that powers creativity.
00:12:55.000 And with screens, you're never bored.
00:12:57.000 So, I have to constantly monitor who's on a screen, I try to hide them, they find them.
00:13:02.000 And every time I hear silence in the house, I know something's up. 0.99
00:13:05.000 And I'll go upstairs, downstairs, I'll find someone, sometimes in a closet, on a goddamn screen! 0.99
00:13:15.000 You know a good tip, uh, to traumatize them? 0.99
00:13:20.000 You sneak up on them when they're in a hiding spot on a screen, and you take your shoes off, right, just socks on the floor, and you get up nice and close, and you go, OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
00:13:33.000 Wow, do they jump.
00:13:34.000 The screen goes flying, and then you go hide it.
00:13:36.000 So anyway, on Saturday this guy's gonna come by, build me a beautiful little door with a lock,
00:13:42.000 And I'm going to put all the iPads in there, all the phones, they're all charging on the power bar, and you can have them from 7.30 to 8.
00:13:49.000 Oh, by the way, there was a mutiny on the bounty I forgot to tell you about.
00:13:53.000 The kids had a meeting, and they, via my wench, they went to the captain of the ship, and they said, we want to change screen time.
00:14:05.000 And by the way, this is not a democracy, it's a benevolent dictatorship.
00:14:09.000 That's what my dad used to always say, and I stole it.
00:14:11.000 You end up stealing all your dad's lines when you become a dad.
00:14:14.000 I remember yelling, when I'd leave the door open or something, we're not heating Stinson Avenue!
00:14:20.000 That's the street I grew up on, 38 Stinson Avenue, in Bell's Corners or Nepean or something.
00:14:26.000 And I say the same thing, we're not heating Pitland Avenue!
00:14:30.000 I'm not telling you my real street.
00:14:34.000 So I say it's a it's a democracy.
00:14:35.000 It's not a democracy.
00:14:36.000 It's been only dictatorship and they go we want we don't think half an hour a day is enough.
00:14:40.000 All right, that's amusing.
00:14:42.000 What else do you got plebes?
00:14:44.000 And they go we want to take Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Monday, Monday to Thursday off.
00:14:51.000 But we want to accrue that screen time and have a big session Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
00:14:56.000 Like an hour and I think it's 15 minutes or whatever the math does.
00:15:00.000 And I go, fine.
00:15:02.000 Let's do it.
00:15:03.000 So they do that.
00:15:05.000 But that's still...
00:15:07.000 A challenge to get these screens away.
00:15:08.000 So I'm going to have to confiscate my daughter's phone the second she comes home, put it in that lock thing, lock it up. 1.00
00:15:13.000 Then phase two of the plan is boredom.
00:15:16.000 Then they get bored, they stare at the wall.
00:15:18.000 My son was so bored last weekend that he started banging his face on the couch, the Chesterfield as we call it in Canada, and he got a nosebleed.
00:15:29.000 This is after I said, should we set up a play date?
00:15:30.000 And he goes, nah, nah, I'm good.
00:15:32.000 And no, you're not good.
00:15:33.000 What nah, nah, I'm good means is, I have my heart set on video games.
00:15:37.000 And I'm hoping I can somehow get you to let me play video games for the rest of the day.
00:15:42.000 And the answer's no.
00:15:43.000 Even by your mutiny on the bounty plan, which worked, and you get an hour and 15 minutes, that's still an hour out of 24.
00:15:48.000 So, you're still sitting around doing nothing.
00:15:51.000 So you get them bored.
00:15:52.000 And now, phase two, afterboard, is make the house unappealing.
00:15:57.000 When we had a, we used to have an apartment in Brooklyn and a country house upstate that was two hours away. 0.56
00:16:03.000 That plan sucked.
00:16:05.000 Because they, you raise city kids, and then you take them to the country, and they don't know how to country play. 1.00
00:16:12.000 So, I would try locking them outside, and I would come back 20 minutes later, they're all bundled up, you know, in their snowsuits, and they're sitting on the goddamn porch. 0.98
00:16:21.000 They haven't moved. 0.90
00:16:23.000 So now I gotta get my snowsuit on and take them for a six-hour walk in the woods, hoping, like, identifying... I'm not very good at that, but identifying the few things I can identify, the plants and birds and stuff, and explaining, you know, there could be a bear in there.
00:16:37.000 And we start to map out the country.
00:16:38.000 We were behind a big sort of uncharted territory.
00:16:44.000 That still doesn't work.
00:16:45.000 They're city kids.
00:16:47.000 So eventually we gave that plan up and we said, all right, let's do
00:16:51.000 The suburbs, maybe you can be like my childhood where you hop on your bike and you go to Darren Alberti's house.
00:16:56.000 No.
00:16:57.000 Can't do that.
00:16:57.000 You still gotta set up playdates.
00:17:01.000 Now this world still exists, but it's blue collar, lower middle class. 1.00
00:17:05.000 Am I supposed to buy a cheap house just so my kids can play?
00:17:09.000 What do I do, put all my money in the bank?
00:17:10.000 I'd rather live in some of my money.
00:17:12.000 I wanna live in a big house if I can afford it.
00:17:16.000 You know? 0.98
00:17:18.000 I kinda wanna live in a shitty little house. 0.98
00:17:20.000 I worked my whole life to have a big house. 0.99
00:17:22.000 But I gotta live in a shitty house so they can play? 0.99
00:17:24.000 No. 0.99
00:17:27.000 So, you gotta make the house unappealing.
00:17:30.000 And here's what you do.
00:17:31.000 There's obviously an insane amount of laundry in a house with five people.
00:17:35.000 And my wife's always complaining about how hard it is. 1.00
00:17:37.000 She's like, I'm always doing laundry.
00:17:39.000 By the way, I did it last weekend.
00:17:40.000 There's really just two categories in the laundry.
00:17:43.000 Johnny's peed pants.
00:17:46.000 And your workout clothes.
00:17:48.000 There's like 900 Lululemon pants in the laundry.
00:17:51.000 And towels.
00:17:53.000 Why are we washing towels?
00:17:54.000 Towels dry off a clean person.
00:17:57.000 And then they're immediately hung up to dry.
00:18:00.000 There's no poo on them.
00:18:01.000 There's no B.O.
00:18:03.000 They don't stink unless you leave them on a pile on the floor.
00:18:06.000 I think you should wash a towel once a year.
00:18:08.000 I'm very anti-washing, by the way.
00:18:11.000 I've always said this.
00:18:12.000 As a man, you only really have to wash your foreskin. 0.58
00:18:15.000 I assume if you're circumcised, you don't really have to wash that.
00:18:17.000 How do you get pee on it? 0.95
00:18:19.000 Foreskins are a mess. 1.00
00:18:20.000 Don't get me wrong.
00:18:20.000 I understand that.
00:18:21.000 But a wet wipe can handle most of that. 1.00
00:18:23.000 Wash the sides of your balls. 1.00
00:18:25.000 Your anus, obviously. 1.00
00:18:27.000 Poop comes out of there. 1.00
00:18:28.000 That's nothing... That's nothing to write home about.
00:18:31.000 And then armpits, they stink because you got B.O. 0.95
00:18:34.000 What?
00:18:34.000 Don't wash your hair, guys.
00:18:36.000 It makes you bald.
00:18:37.000 And your arms?
00:18:39.000 Unless you work in construction, what dirt is on your arms?
00:18:42.000 Plus, the water's just gonna wash that away.
00:18:45.000 Don't soap your arms.
00:18:47.000 Don't soap your knees. 1.00
00:18:48.000 And ladies, do not wash your tits. 1.00
00:18:51.000 I don't understand bras and the laundry hamper. 1.00
00:18:54.000 What, you got boob juice on them? 1.00
00:18:58.000 You got milk on them?
00:18:59.000 You're lactating?
00:18:59.000 Okay, I understand that.
00:19:01.000 But outside of lactation, why are bras in the dirty laundry? 1.00
00:19:05.000 The only thing that should be in the dirty laundry is things with like jam stains and B.O. 1.00
00:19:10.000 Kids don't have B.O. 0.88
00:19:12.000 So it's just underwear with poo and pee and then jam stains.
00:19:17.000 Kids should have almost zero laundry. 1.00
00:19:20.000 Anyway, you do it all.
00:19:22.000 It takes like a night.
00:19:23.000 Sometimes all, you know, the kids go to bed early, like 8, 9.
00:19:27.000 My wife will crash early because Indians, they need a lot of sleep. 1.00
00:19:31.000 And then I'll just have like a night to myself from 8 to midnight.
00:19:36.000 That's a lot of laundry. 1.00
00:19:37.000 You can just have that going on in the background while you watch Portlandia.
00:19:42.000 So then you have a massive pile of laundry like it fits in a bed sheet.
00:19:46.000 You take that upstairs like some sort of nomad. 1.00
00:19:48.000 You look like that Led Zeppelin album where the guy has a faggot on his back. 1.00
00:19:52.000 I mean a bundle of sticks. 0.99
00:19:54.000 And then you lay that all out and you say, alright guys, you want to stay in on Saturday?
00:19:57.000 Great!
00:19:58.000 Let's do chore day!
00:20:00.000 Yeah!
00:20:01.000 Alright, let's sort all the laundry. 0.52
00:20:03.000 It goes person by person and there's the underwear drawer and the pants drawer.
00:20:07.000 Isn't this fun?
00:20:08.000 Don't you love staying in?
00:20:10.000 After this it's gonna be dishes party!
00:20:14.000 Yay! 0.99
00:20:14.000 And then we're gonna clean our rooms, and then we're gonna organize the basement. 0.99
00:20:20.000 Yeah, the playroom is a mess.
00:20:22.000 Let's organize our toys, guys!
00:20:24.000 And you just make the house hell until they're driven outside.
00:20:29.000 And then maybe they will discover playing.
00:20:32.000 But all of this
00:20:34.000 is rooted in taking away screens.
00:20:37.000 Screens are crack cocaine.
00:20:38.000 Especially with little kids.
00:20:41.000 You know, you take away an 11 year old's screen and they just secretly resent you.
00:20:45.000 And just stare at you the same way like when a cop makes you pour at your peer and you just think, I'm gonna get you one day.
00:20:52.000 I don't care if it's an old folks home in 50 years from now, but I hate you. 1.00
00:20:57.000 You fucking pig. 1.00
00:21:00.000 That's how an 11-year-old feels when you take her phone away. 1.00
00:21:04.000 But with a 5-year-old, it's taking a crackhead's crack away.
00:21:08.000 Like, they melt down.
00:21:09.000 They start throwing stuff.
00:21:10.000 You can give them timeouts. 0.52
00:21:11.000 You can smack their wrist. 0.72
00:21:12.000 Doesn't matter. 0.89
00:21:13.000 You've taken away a crackhead's crack.
00:21:16.000 And that is evidence that screens are evil. 0.96
00:21:21.000 Goddammit, even when they're having freakouts, they're cute. 0.77
00:21:26.000 Like my youngest son.
00:21:27.000 And he's Satan, by the way.
00:21:30.000 That's what I didn't understand about the omen.
00:21:32.000 Why do you want to kill Damien?
00:21:34.000 How many people have died? 0.99
00:21:35.000 Alright, he tried to kill your wife. 1.00
00:21:37.000 That sucked. 1.00
00:21:37.000 I get that. 1.00
00:21:38.000 But outside of that, he's got a Rottweiler.
00:21:40.000 That's scary.
00:21:41.000 Okay.
00:21:42.000 The nanny hanged herself on purpose. 1.00
00:21:45.000 I did it for you, Damien.
00:21:46.000 Right?
00:21:47.000 The rest of it though, I would just take a circuitous route around the church so he doesn't freak out.
00:21:52.000 I have holy water.
00:21:53.000 My wife got it for me at some trip to the Dells.
00:21:55.000 I don't want to splash my son with it, my youngest, because I don't want to burn him.
00:22:01.000 I said that to a guest on my old show, who was a born-again Christian, and she took me totally seriously and suggested some exorcisms I could do.
00:22:11.000 But it is weird.
00:22:12.000 Like when we drive by the church, he freaks out.
00:22:14.000 When we go to church, they give you these things to color, like Jesus coloring Jesus's dress.
00:22:19.000 And I look over and he's drawn knives in everyone's hand.
00:22:25.000 Jesus, Moses, Mary, even like the goat has a knife in his hand.
00:22:32.000 And I go, what's going on with those?
00:22:33.000 He goes, those are knives.
00:22:35.000 Another time, he just wrote these weird letters.
00:22:38.000 He can't write, obviously.
00:22:39.000 He's four.
00:22:40.000 He was four at the time, now he's five.
00:22:41.000 He just wrote these letters that look like letters, but they're not, because he doesn't know what letters are.
00:22:45.000 And I go, what does that say?
00:22:47.000 And in church he goes, God is dead.
00:22:52.000 Okay. 0.62
00:22:53.000 My son's possessed by Satan.
00:22:54.000 No problem.
00:22:55.000 We'll work around it. 0.97
00:22:57.000 People have gay sons. 1.00
00:22:59.000 I can have a satanic son. 1.00
00:23:02.000 But dammit he's so cute and the way he talks like I'm I know like it's it's impossible to make people see your kids as cute But maybe through me talking about it. 0.99
00:23:11.000 You can see that you'll be saying that about your kid. 0.99
00:23:14.000 You know?
00:23:16.000 Like, Johnny says this day, on this day.
00:23:19.000 He doesn't know the word today, so he says, on this day, are we going to go skiing?
00:23:23.000 He also calls people humans, which might be another piece of evidence that he's possessed by Satan.
00:23:29.000 He goes, how many humans are going to be there?
00:23:31.000 Yeah, there was three humans at soccer today.
00:23:38.000 Humans.
00:23:39.000 It's fun, too, listening to speeches on Veterans Day, because you hear Mike Pence talk about, on this day!
00:23:46.000 People recognize, and you're like, oh, Johnny's writing your speeches.
00:23:51.000 On this day.
00:23:54.000 But, I really, one thing about being a parent, too, is you appreciate your parents, and if your parents were one of the 50% that stuck it out, stuck together, I'll do a whole other one on this, on the secrets to marriage, too, because just briefly, the secret to marriage is to accept that there's gonna be a bad, some bad times.
00:24:14.000 It's gonna be a bad year.
00:24:15.000 It's like moving to China.
00:24:17.000 If you move to China, and you're gonna marry a Chinese woman, and like learn Chinese, and end up reading the Chinese newspaper.
00:24:23.000 By the way, I met a dude like that when I lived in Taiwan. 0.96
00:24:26.000 He fucking married a China woman, spoke Mandarin, read the Chinese newspaper, had Chinese kids, and lived in rural like... 0.98
00:24:40.000 Oh, hey! 1.00
00:24:42.000 Eddie!
00:24:45.000 Like he would yell at his kids in Chinese.
00:24:48.000 I mean, I guess that's what most, you know, all the Italian immigrants after World War II did that when they came here.
00:24:54.000 But that's so bizarre to me. 0.94
00:24:56.000 Just sitting down with the Chao-Ning-Chi times and reading those stupid little... Hey guys, maybe update your language? 0.98
00:25:03.000 You use a drawing for every word? 0.99
00:25:05.000 What is this, hieroglyphics?
00:25:07.000 We're not in a cave anymore.
00:25:09.000 Okay?
00:25:09.000 Korea updated their thing to a bunch of circles and boxes.
00:25:12.000 Can you not have a drawing of a man in a hat to mean man in a hat?
00:25:16.000 How big is your keyboard?
00:25:18.000 Your entire desk? 1.00
00:25:20.000 What an idiotic language! 1.00
00:25:22.000 Hey, China and all of the Middle East, if you need a paintbrush to write your alphabet, your language is retarded. 1.00
00:25:30.000 They have four different ways to say every word, and it means a different one each time. 0.97
00:25:34.000 There's tse, there's tse, there's tse, and there's tse.
00:25:42.000 It's impossible to learn.
00:25:44.000 Even Chinese people don't know Chinese.
00:25:46.000 If you watch
00:25:48.000 Uh, a Chinese program in China?
00:25:50.000 There's subtitles.
00:25:52.000 In the same language.
00:25:54.000 Because even 70-year-olds are going, oh yeah!
00:25:56.000 If you're saying, like, man without a hat, you draw a man, then you don't draw the hat part.
00:26:01.000 Okay.
00:26:02.000 I never thought of that. 1.00
00:26:03.000 Still learning the stupid language. 1.00
00:26:04.000 It's impossible to learn. 1.00
00:26:06.000 Oh, by the way, last podcast I was sinking a bunch of places into the sea.
00:26:09.000 I'm getting a lot of angry messages about some mistakes I made.
00:26:14.000 Armenia should not be sunk into the sea.
00:26:16.000 It's Christian.
00:26:17.000 Last bastion of Christianity in the Middle East. 0.99
00:26:18.000 I'm bringing Armenia back? 1.00
00:26:20.000 I'm also having second thoughts about Bolivia, Paraguay, and Uruguay. 1.00
00:26:26.000 You're a gay. 1.00
00:26:28.000 I've been looking them up. 0.99
00:26:29.000 They don't look like very nice places to live.
00:26:30.000 I may have to chop out the middle of South America.
00:26:33.000 You're on thin ice, Bolivia. 0.99
00:26:36.000 And Armenia, you're back. 0.54
00:26:37.000 Also, all Christian nations in the Middle East are back. 0.75
00:26:40.000 Northern Iraq, you're in. 0.89
00:26:42.000 Just little funny islands.
00:26:43.000 That's the new Caribbean. 0.99
00:26:44.000 The Christian Middle East.
00:26:47.000 Anyway.
00:26:48.000 A Chinese guy lives in China.
00:26:52.000 That's marriage. 0.92
00:26:54.000 So, surely if you moved to China, if you moved to Beijing, and God help you if you moved to Beijing, you'd have a rough time, you'd have a rough year, learning the language, 1.00
00:27:03.000 That stupid language would take you forever. 0.98
00:27:05.000 Learning the customs, taking off your shoes, learning all this stuff about saving face. 1.00
00:27:10.000 You just gotta stick it out.
00:27:10.000 It takes some time.
00:27:11.000 I remember when we were kids, punk kids, staying in this big house.
00:27:16.000 That was a thing back then.
00:27:17.000 Portlandia does a great job of explaining the concept of the punk house.
00:27:21.000 There was this dude, Ralph, who sold all his belongings and worked his ass off for a year.
00:27:26.000 He raised like five grand, which when you're 20 is 500 grand.
00:27:31.000 And he said, I'm moving to Europe forever, guys.
00:27:32.000 Bye.
00:27:33.000 I made a big party for him going away.
00:27:35.000 He came back a month later. 0.62
00:27:38.000 He had just gone to Amsterdam, stayed in a pretty good hotel and just got prostitutes every day and spent all the money.
00:27:46.000 And he came back and was living with his parents because he had nothing.
00:27:50.000 That's what divorce is. 1.00
00:27:51.000 It's giving up.
00:27:54.000 You know, you change over time.
00:27:55.000 And when you have kids,
00:27:57.000 It's like you're both Mets fans and you live with the Mets.
00:28:03.000 So, like, my wife's a vegan, she's a liberal, she voted for Hillary. 0.99
00:28:07.000 That doesn't really come up. 0.98
00:28:09.000 It comes up when we're watching movies and we're watching Charlize Theron beat the shit out of seven Green Berets, as Nick DiPaolo says, and I'm watching it going, oh, for crying out loud, why do they always have to ruin movies with this affirmative action crap? 1.00
00:28:22.000 And she goes, why can't you just enjoy the movie? 0.96
00:28:24.000 And I go, because they're trying to brainwash us.
00:28:27.000 That's a time when it comes up.
00:28:29.000 We can only really watch movies from the 80s now.
00:28:31.000 Although I hear Death Wish rules.
00:28:35.000 But otherwise it doesn't come up.
00:28:38.000 And that's why I want you to have babies. 0.95
00:28:43.000 Because my life is awesome.
00:28:45.000 And I was against having kids when I met my wife. 1.00
00:28:48.000 I said it's stupid. 0.98
00:28:49.000 I honestly said I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I said the world's overpopulated. 0.99
00:28:53.000 And now, you know, when my wife makes dinner and we have it in the dining room, on the big dining room table, I said this on my show the other day, do the Selkirk Grace, and just looking at them chew, it really is heaven.
00:29:06.000 And then there's that horrible day when they stop being little kids and they become children.
00:29:13.000 And now it's a different vibe.
00:29:16.000 Like I remember one day I looked up, we had a sort of open to above living room in the old country house so you could see down.
00:29:22.000 I got it from a Steven Spielberg horror movie that I think Johnny Depp is in.
00:29:27.000 I just love the idea of a balcony upstairs and you can see down into the living room.
00:29:31.000 I don't know.
00:29:49.000 I'm going to go to 7-Eleven and get a Super Gulp so I don't get dehydrated from sobbing.
00:29:55.000 I dread that day.
00:29:56.000 And with my youngest son changing his diapers, I might tear up right now.
00:30:01.000 Every poo was heaven on earth. 0.69
00:30:02.000 It was like a chocolate paradise.
00:30:05.000 Because I knew that these are the last diapers I'm ever going to change and this is the last baby I'm ever going to have.
00:30:12.000 And changing his diapers, like each one, I knew that there was a finite amount.
00:30:18.000 I'm down to the last hundred diapers.
00:30:22.000 47.
00:30:22.000 28 diapers left.
00:30:25.000 10 diapers left.
00:30:26.000 Oh my God, he poos by himself now. 1.00
00:30:30.000 All I have to do is wipe his ass. 1.00
00:30:31.000 That's the funny thing about kids. 1.00
00:30:34.000 They yell, wipe me!
00:30:36.000 You're just walking down, you're walking down the hallway in the kitchen, you just hear, wipe me!
00:30:45.000 I know it sounds gross if you don't have kids, but it's funny when you do.
00:30:49.000 And then another thing they do, they have no shame, right?
00:30:52.000 So when they first start pooing, though, they don't ask you for privacy.
00:30:57.000 That's like towards the end of the independent pooing.
00:31:00.000 And now, with 9-11 year olds, I mean, it's like walking in on an adult.
00:31:03.000 You just don't do it.
00:31:04.000 But when they first start pooing by themselves, they'll sit down on the bowl and they won't want you to leave.
00:31:09.000 They'll go like, hey, did you know that I-
00:31:14.000 Iron Man got in a fight with Spider-Man and Spider-Man can't put webs on Iron Man because Iron Man can just blast through the webs.
00:31:28.000 So even though Iron Man is
00:31:34.000 You can't laugh.
00:31:35.000 That's the other hilarious thing about kids.
00:31:38.000 You can't laugh because they don't like being cute.
00:31:41.000 It's sort of like supermodels.
00:31:42.000 Like, they want you to care about their photography.
00:31:45.000 And they pretend that, you know, I had a scholarship.
00:31:47.000 I was actually going to get into engineering before I got into modeling.
00:31:50.000 Yeah, sure you were. 1.00
00:31:51.000 Gorgeous idiot. 1.00
00:31:54.000 Or races. 1.00
00:31:55.000 Like, if you want to pick up an Asian chick, find out where she's from, like Detroit, and just focus on her as the Detroit person. 0.99
00:32:04.000 Like, oh, you probably eat rats. 1.00
00:32:06.000 You're psychotic. 1.00
00:32:07.000 I know you people, you Detroit people. 0.99
00:32:09.000 And it's so rare that someone sees her not as an Asian, but as a Detroit person, then you'll probably get in there.
00:32:16.000 And kids are the same way.
00:32:17.000 They don't like being cute.
00:32:19.000 Like my son, my five-year-old, is shockingly cute.
00:32:23.000 He could easily be a model.
00:32:24.000 He could easily be on TV shows, which I would never do.
00:32:29.000 But they don't like that. 1.00
00:32:30.000 So when he looks tough and he's wearing like a Batman cape, you have to go, holy shit, you're a fucking badass, dude. 0.99
00:32:39.000 And when they punch you, you have to go, oh my god. 1.00
00:32:42.000 Oh, that was like getting kicked in the balls, but it was a punch in the arm. 0.98
00:32:46.000 Meanwhile, his little sausage arm, it feels like someone tapped you. 0.95
00:32:54.000 And so, all of this cuteness, all of this fun, is great and everything, but as a parent, you have to temper that with this need for them to get outside and just have fun.
00:33:05.000 You know, I talked about this a long time ago, but my dad grew up dirt poor in the projects in Glasgow, where he was surrounded by four giant buildings, right?
00:33:15.000 And they made a square, and in the middle of the square, there was just grass.
00:33:19.000 and it wasn't big and you would play soccer there 24 hours a day basically and if there was one-on-one when it was like 10 p.m.
00:33:26.000 because those people had shitty parents fine at noon it would be like 30 on 30 and you just go on the losing team or the team with the fewest people and so the game would just grow just like the Sun at noon it would be biggest and we get smaller and smaller until it was you know 11 p.m.
00:33:42.000 and there'd be no one playing soccer the ball would just sit there that was one ball for a hundred kids no toys no one had toys 0.93
00:33:49.000 And if you're hungry, you'd yell up for a jelly piece, and your ma would wrap it in newspapers and throw it out the windy, and that would land down, you'd have your jelly piece and get back to your game.
00:34:00.000 Heaven on earth!
00:34:01.000 Cost, what, a dollar?
00:34:03.000 Then my childhood, unbelievably awesome, hopping on my bike.
00:34:08.000 We had these bikes, I was talking to another old guy about this, another dad.
00:34:13.000 Right before BMX bikes came out, whenever that was, 1979, there were these, there was normal bikes, like banana seat bikes was the mid-70s.
00:34:23.000 And then, I'm gonna guess around 77, 78, they
00:34:27.000 Invented motorcycles for children.
00:34:31.000 And it was a bike that had grips just like a dirt bike.
00:34:35.000 It had a plastic gas tank, which you obviously didn't put gas in, but it looked just like a gas tank.
00:34:39.000 I think it even had like a fake screw top for you to open to put in gas.
00:34:44.000 Had a number on the side, a number on the front, and it had shocks!
00:34:49.000 Big, big spring shocks on the front and the back.
00:34:54.000 Next, now, now, you've been making jumps for a long time.
00:34:57.000 Now you do a jump, you land, it's like landing in a bag of pillows. 1.00
00:35:01.000 What the fuck? 0.99
00:35:03.000 Now you can make your jump three times as high. 1.00
00:35:05.000 Now you can jump so high that you have trouble breathing because there's thin air up there.
00:35:10.000 You have to watch out for planes and helicopters.
00:35:12.000 Then you land.
00:35:13.000 Bajum, bajum.
00:35:15.000 Now you gotta bring a magazine when you do a jump, because you're bored up there.
00:35:20.000 That was the greatest.
00:35:22.000 And it was not quite as good as my, well, maybe it was better, actually.
00:35:27.000 Who are we kidding?
00:35:28.000 Because we also live near a nature preserve in Nepean, Ontario, and we would go explore in the forest on our awesome dirt bikes, which you have so much energy at that age that it is like having an engine.
00:35:40.000 The engine is your legs and you're just whipping, whipping through the forest with your big treads.
00:35:47.000 It had the same treads as a dirt bike.
00:35:50.000 I tried to find some of these online, and as American Pickers will tell you, boys destroy their bikes.
00:35:55.000 So, when you find one of these, it's just dead.
00:35:59.000 It's not like there's any kind of okay condition.
00:36:02.000 Not that your son would want one.
00:36:03.000 You know, your son wants like a nice new Trek.
00:36:07.000 So, uh...
00:36:08.000 We had that childhood, right?
00:36:10.000 And then my kids now have this childhood where it's playdates, and I have to trick them into going outside, and I have to literally lock screens away in a $300 cabinet, just trying to get back to the 70s.
00:36:24.000 And I honestly believe the 70s weren't as good as that bucolic, sorry to overuse that word, bucolic 1950s childhood, even though in Brooklyn,
00:36:37.000 In an area like Red Hook, there was dead bodies everywhere.
00:36:42.000 The mob was thriving in the 50s and 60s in Brooklyn.
00:36:46.000 All those Italian immigrants, they just survived World War II, they were ruthless animals, and their system that they used to survive Mussolini back in the 30s and 40s was setting up their own government and having their own police force, and those police were murderers. 1.00
00:37:02.000 If you didn't pay your wages or you said the wrong thing, you were murdered. 0.99
00:37:06.000 And so as a kid, you'd be playing, you know, that stupid game with the ring and the stick, with your knickers on, knocking that down the street. 0.99
00:37:15.000 And you'd see a dead body covered in a blanket with blood everywhere. 0.99
00:37:18.000 Even including that, that childhood was the best, because it was dense kids.
00:37:24.000 And there wasn't that many cars.
00:37:26.000 You'd all be playing on the street, playing stickball.
00:37:30.000 I've talked to old-timers, by the way.
00:37:31.000 I obviously wasn't there.
00:37:33.000 And they would, you know, if someone hit a little kid, say a retard, smacked a retard in the head, a mom would run out and go, hey, what are you doing? 0.97
00:37:44.000 Don't you be touching! 0.55
00:37:44.000 And then she'd smack the kid who smacked the kid. 0.55
00:37:47.000 There was instant justice around.
00:37:50.000 And all those kids, they had their own trial and error.
00:37:55.000 Now here's a crazy example.
00:37:56.000 This is a very extreme example of why trial and error is good.
00:38:00.000 Here's the worst case scenario, lord of the flies, of kids being on their own.
00:38:03.000 I remember my friend Kim, I lost my virginity to her in Kanata, Ontario.
00:38:09.000 She told me a story about when she was a little kid.
00:38:11.000 They went out into the woods, as Canadians are wont to do, and they were lying on a piece of plywood that they had set up on some stumps. 1.00
00:38:18.000 And it was an operating table.
00:38:20.000 They were playing doctor.
00:38:22.000 And so she got naked.
00:38:24.000 She was maybe six or seven.
00:38:25.000 She got naked. 0.92
00:38:26.000 And then all the other animal kids, instead of being doctors about it, they started biting her body.
00:38:33.000 I think there was three kids there and they bit her arms.
00:38:37.000 I don't think that, you know, it got too sexual.
00:38:39.000 Bit her arms and legs and stuff and she was crying and she put on her clothes and ran home.
00:38:43.000 Obviously terrible scenario, right?
00:38:45.000 Should end the idea of, you know, non-monitored play.
00:38:50.000 Because that's the worst case scenario right there.
00:38:52.000 Besides being murdered.
00:38:54.000 And I go, even that horrible scenario was kind of good.
00:38:59.000 Because it showed you never to leave yourself vulnerable.
00:39:03.000 It showed you never to take off all your clothes around people you don't trust.
00:39:07.000 Or even more metaphorically, to leave yourself open to other people and leave yourself vulnerable to other people.
00:39:13.000 That was a good lesson.
00:39:15.000 That horrible experience was actually good for you.
00:39:18.000 And that's obviously a fraction, 0.00001% of kids playing.
00:39:19.000 Most of it is fun.
00:39:24.000 But this monitored play, every time there's someone crying, a parent runs in.
00:39:28.000 I mean, that's why we moved from the city.
00:39:30.000 I would talk to people, Manhattanites, and they'd say, you grew up in the suburbs?
00:39:35.000 And I'd go, yeah.
00:39:36.000 And they'd go, man, we were so jealous of you.
00:39:38.000 You could just play, non-monitored play.
00:39:41.000 It must have been so fun.
00:39:43.000 We always had parents helicoptering around.
00:39:47.000 And I just think, that's not Brooklyn in the 50s, man.
00:39:50.000 That was perfection.
00:39:53.000 And those people, I mean, they're some of the best entrepreneurs around.
00:39:57.000 All those old boomers from Brooklyn, you know, they're all Trump types. 0.99
00:40:03.000 They're all in building and construction and real estate.
00:40:06.000 They're all loaded.
00:40:07.000 I was at the Metropolitan Men's Club.
00:40:09.000 Recently which is like this old money White privilege, it's everything the social justice warriors fear It's every guy there looks like those grumpy dudes from the balcony on the Muppet Show You know those two guys the bald guys.
00:40:23.000 It's just a giant Bar and restaurant of all those guys wearing three-piece suits pinstripe suits with ties all awesome funny guys Who are all incredibly wealthy?
00:40:35.000 And they're the ministers of industry in New York, but they all got New York accents.
00:40:40.000 And this isn't like Britain, where they literally will have like lord someone pants running Virgin Records in the 70s.
00:40:48.000 You don't, we don't have lords here in America and all those guys grew up poor in South Brooklyn and Red Hook and Coney Island and they played basketball and then the black kids would show up and they would get in a fight and 0.81
00:41:02.000 That hardscrabble childhood led them to be great entrepreneurs.
00:41:06.000 Great people, too.
00:41:07.000 I think there's a problem now with, um...
00:41:11.000 With these millennials and being overeducated and Charles Murray talks about this in the curmudgeon's guide to getting ahead, which I highly recommend for you young people. 0.93
00:41:20.000 He talks about how the these these CEOs see these resumes of PhDs in, you know, quantum physics and biochemistry and they go, man, you never mowed a lawn like I did.
00:41:34.000 I don't really I don't think I'll be able to relate to you.
00:41:38.000 My kids are going to work at a gas station when they're 14.
00:41:40.000 I don't care if I have to pay the gas station for them to work there.
00:41:44.000 I don't care if they make a dollar an hour.
00:41:46.000 They are going to work there.
00:41:47.000 They are going to understand what it's like to serve tables.
00:41:51.000 Charles Murray also talks about that.
00:41:52.000 About how his daughter, he had her wait tables and she lived in the South for a while.
00:41:58.000 So, when she was at her Ivy League school and she heard her other, you know, rich, privileged friends laugh at rednecks,
00:42:06.000 And use it in a disparaging way.
00:42:08.000 She would interrupt them and go, hey, hey, hey! 0.92
00:42:10.000 My friends are rednecks.
00:42:12.000 Watch how you talk about people.
00:42:15.000 You know, we're raising a generation of people who get their steak from the waitress and say to her at the age of 14, did you go to kill it first?
00:42:25.000 What took you so long?
00:42:26.000 That's an ear burning sin as far as I'm concerned.
00:42:30.000 Your kids talking down to wait staff.
00:42:33.000 Can you imagine?
00:42:33.000 It's never happened to me.
00:42:35.000 But if my kids ever did that or scoffed at someone... I'm noticing that, by the way, in this neighborhood.
00:42:40.000 These kids talk to their nannies and their au pairs in a snarky way.
00:42:46.000 And the woman just wants to keep a job. 1.00
00:42:47.000 She's from Colombia, and she's sending home $50 a week, which in Colombia is infinite money.
00:42:54.000 They're living like kings down there.
00:42:56.000 Their mother... Of course, these kids don't have a mother.
00:42:58.000 The mother's here loving other children, which is powerfully immoral. 1.00
00:43:05.000 We have a really skewed sense of immorality here.
00:43:08.000 We bred chihuahuas from wolves.
00:43:10.000 That should be a sin. 0.99
00:43:11.000 My dog is a disgusting perversion of a wolf. 0.99
00:43:15.000 That should be a sin. 0.99
00:43:16.000 We have people who date women when they're 28. 0.67
00:43:21.000 Take away their greatest years, 28, 29, 30, 31, then dump them, take some two years to recover.
00:43:25.000 They're now basically infertile, and there's no stigma there.
00:43:29.000 It used to be bad, you're taking a woman's greatest years. 1.00
00:43:32.000 Now it's just ignored.
00:43:33.000 That's powerfully immoral.
00:43:37.000 Ruining a woman's ovaries.
00:43:38.000 No one talks about that. 0.93
00:43:40.000 And having a nanny who has kids back in the turd world, that's immoral! 1.00
00:43:44.000 That's a third doozy that no one seems to have a problem with.
00:43:47.000 I mean, we're living in an era where we have abortionists saying, no, babies can't scream. 1.00
00:43:52.000 I cut their larynx when they're in the womb. 0.51
00:43:54.000 Did you see that? 0.98
00:43:55.000 She's tried to delete the tweet, but it's some feminist abortion doctor who's flippantly talking about how she murders babies. 1.00
00:44:04.000 But anyway, yeah, these kids, I had one of them, I talked about this on the old show, where we were at baseball and he drops his glove about a foot, it sort of rolls a foot and a half away from him, so it's maybe six inches closer to me than to him.
00:44:19.000 And as he's rifling through his baseball bag, he just sort of casually looks over at me and goes, could you get that please?
00:44:25.000 And I said, pardon me?
00:44:26.000 And he goes, ah, my glove, you get that?
00:44:29.000 He's telling me to pick up his glove. 0.99
00:44:32.000 I'm a man, a dad, who doesn't know him, and he's telling me to pick up his fucking glove. 0.99
00:44:45.000 I should have just picked it up and whipped it 50 feet away. 0.98
00:44:49.000 But I just stared at him and I went, uh, no.
00:44:52.000 You pick up your own glove.
00:44:53.000 And then he sort of looked at me like, geez, someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning.
00:44:58.000 But, and I noticed my son, when he hangs out with these kids, and of course it's playing Fortnite for hours.
00:45:05.000 That's the other problem too, with the screen monitoring.
00:45:08.000 They go to some other kid's house and will play video games for five hours.
00:45:12.000 And not talk and not play.
00:45:14.000 So you can only enforce so much here in your own home when you're living in a screened society. 1.00
00:45:19.000 And then you can only discipline them so much and teach them respect and authority when they're around these au pairs and they see their friends bossing around adults. 1.00
00:45:28.000 Having the kids pick up gloves. 0.99
00:45:29.000 So my son, my middle son, will do this thing where he looks at me like I'm an idiot. 0.99
00:45:34.000 Like I said today, he plays drums in the school band and I go, do you have your drumsticks and everything? 0.99
00:45:39.000 And he goes, no.
00:45:41.000 And I go, did you leave them in your locker?
00:45:42.000 And then he gives me this look with one eyebrow up, sort of like my avatar for my Twitter handle.
00:45:48.000 This sort of like, pardon me?
00:45:51.000 Because he doesn't have a locker.
00:45:52.000 I didn't know that.
00:45:53.000 And I go, wipe that look off your face, boy.
00:45:56.000 Don't you dare raise your eyebrow at me.
00:45:59.000 Who do you think you are?
00:46:00.000 And I think he's getting influenced by these kids with the servants.
00:46:06.000 You know...
00:46:08.000 I'll end it with the lesson I learned from my dad at a young age, which is you can be friends with them when you're young, or friends with them when you're old.
00:46:16.000 And I've chosen friends with them when you're old.
00:46:18.000 My dad and I are such pals.
00:46:19.000 He almost like doesn't like my kids.
00:46:21.000 It's almost like, what are you bringing your kids around for?
00:46:23.000 I need to talk to you.
00:46:24.000 I haven't seen you in six months.
00:46:25.000 We have a lot of catching up to do.
00:46:26.000 We have a lot of bitching about Muslims to do. 1.00
00:46:28.000 Sit down, boy. 1.00
00:46:30.000 Get these kids out.
00:46:31.000 What are you doing with my grandchildren everywhere?
00:46:33.000 Shoo! 1.00
00:46:33.000 Shoo! 1.00
00:46:35.000 He maybe overdoes it a little bit.
00:46:37.000 But I'm happy to be the bad guy.
00:46:39.000 I'm happy to be the authoritarian, but you also want to be the their guy.
00:46:44.000 You know, uh, Marshall Bell?
00:46:47.000 No, that's not his name.
00:46:47.000 That's the guy from, uh, that's the guy from, um, uh, Total Lies, Total Recall.
00:46:54.000 That's Quan- I know him.
00:46:56.000 An old dude.
00:46:58.000 He's, uh, the guy with the person coming out of his quadro?
00:47:01.000 Quadro?
00:47:02.000 Sorry, I should edit this whole part out.
00:47:05.000 But I know an old dude, you know Astor Brooks?
00:47:08.000 She was, her son was accused of embezzling money from her.
00:47:13.000 And his, her daughter-in-law was on the front page of the Post.
00:47:18.000 They called her Miss Piggy. 0.79
00:47:19.000 Anyway, I know that woman's son. 0.98
00:47:22.000 Marshall something?
00:47:24.000 And that guy is a stepfather to my friend, Rob, the guy I used to do Rooster with.
00:47:31.000 And when he met the stepfather, the stepfather said, look, I know I'm not your dad, I'm not going to replace your dad, but if you ever need anything, you ever want to talk about anything, I'm here for you.
00:47:41.000 I'm not talking about just financial support, but if you need advice about anything, I've done a lot of stuff.
00:47:45.000 I went to military college when I was 12 by lying about my age.
00:47:49.000 I've been around the block and I'm here for you.
00:47:51.000 And that's a big part of fatherhood.
00:47:52.000 Moms have to be there hugging, hugging, hugging. 1.00
00:47:55.000 A dad, you want to put in your time.
00:47:57.000 And I, by the way, I had a big debate with this woman who wrote a book called The Pie Life, P-I-E, kind of a play on the life of pie.
00:48:06.000 And her whole thing was women need to be in the workforce. 1.00
00:48:08.000 They don't need to be at home.
00:48:09.000 Just have quality time, like one hour quality time during the week is as good as being there the whole week. 1.00
00:48:17.000 Bullshit. 0.99
00:48:19.000 As a parent, and as a dad, you just have to be there. 1.00
00:48:22.000 Standing there.
00:48:23.000 For that one time they cry and they come running over and go, someone stole my lunch.
00:48:27.000 And you have to be there for that.
00:48:30.000 And a big part of it too, oh I'm glad I got to this.
00:48:33.000 A big part of it too is putting time aside.
00:48:37.000 Like, I got three kids.
00:48:39.000 A lot of the kids get lost in the mix.
00:48:41.000 That's what's so great about the daddy-daughter dance, by the way. 1.00
00:48:44.000 Those fucking pigs trying to shut that down. 1.00
00:48:47.000 You finally... The daddy-daughter dance is wonderful because A, you finally get some time with your daughter. 1.00
00:48:52.000 Tell me what's on your mind.
00:48:53.000 Do you have a boy? 0.99
00:48:54.000 Do you like a boy that I need to murder? 1.00
00:48:58.000 Also, you dance with her. 1.00
00:49:00.000 May I have this dance?
00:49:01.000 And you dance nice, and you get her some punch or whatever, and you show her how she should be treated.
00:49:07.000 This is how I want your future boyfriend to treat you.
00:49:11.000 Like a nice person.
00:49:12.000 You deserve him to go get you punch and stuff, and open the door for you and all that.
00:49:17.000 So, there's a lot of reasons why
00:49:20.000 Daddy Daughter Dance is awesome, and there's ways to simulate that in your life. 0.93
00:49:23.000 Like, for my family, I make sure I walk my sons to school.
00:49:27.000 They go to separate schools, so I'll walk the youngest to school, after I walk the middle boy to school.
00:49:32.000 And sometimes we don't talk that much. 0.99
00:49:34.000 Sometimes I'll just tell them that important lessons, like recycling is bullshit, and guns are not bad, and your teachers are all liars, and school's a waste of time. 0.99
00:49:42.000 You know, important lessons like that. 1.00
00:49:45.000 Your teachers are all liars, they're all Marxists.
00:49:49.000 And then sometimes it'll just be silence for a long time, but I'm putting in the time. 0.95
00:49:54.000 I'm there for him.
00:49:55.000 And then with my daughter, obviously she goes to school farther away, and so I don't have a chance to take her to school, so I walk the dog with her.
00:50:03.000 I'm allotting time.
00:50:05.000 And it doesn't matter what happens during that time.
00:50:07.000 It just matters that I'm there.
00:50:09.000 That's what people don't seem to get about both marriage and fatherhood.
00:50:13.000 A lot of it is just standing there.
00:50:15.000 That's the easy part about parenting.
00:50:18.000 It'd be cool if you built your daughter a dollhouse where all the parts work and there's a little bathtub there with a little tiny sink. 1.00
00:50:26.000 That'd be great.
00:50:27.000 It'd be really cool if you built your son a go-kart.
00:50:30.000 I'm too lazy to do that stuff.
00:50:33.000 That's not that important.
00:50:34.000 What's important is just, hello, I exist.
00:50:38.000 When you're crying, I'm there to talk to you.
00:50:42.000 And before the kids were so old, I had to allot time, like I'm gonna walk with you to school, even though you would rather take your bike or whatever.
00:50:49.000 Uh, we did a thing where we had, like, Monday night was movie night, Tuesday night was pizza, Thursday night was art night, where I'd sit and show them how to draw a dog or whatever.
00:50:58.000 Now they're too old for that, so we have to force other traditions.
00:51:02.000 But we still have game night.
00:51:03.000 We always eat together as a family.
00:51:06.000 Back when I ran an ad agency, I would just get to work super early so I could leave early, so I could get dinner at 5.36.
00:51:13.000 And there's been a lot of studies.
00:51:14.000 That show teens who are forced to eat dinner with their parents, who are together by the way, tend to get in a lot less trouble.
00:51:23.000 Because it's sort of like a recalibration.
00:51:26.000 It's a reboot.
00:51:28.000 Every dinner.
00:51:28.000 It reminds them that they have a family who cares about them.
00:51:31.000 Gives them a chance to talk.
00:51:32.000 It reminds them that they have a supportive unit behind them. 1.00
00:51:35.000 So if they do something stupid like drunk drive or shoplift or whatever, we're all here for you. 1.00
00:51:42.000 You have a family. 1.00
00:51:43.000 You have a support unit.
00:51:45.000 You have a background.
00:51:46.000 You have a community.
00:51:47.000 A little mini community.
00:51:49.000 You're not on your own.
00:51:51.000 You have discipline.
00:51:53.000 Anyway, I have a post-it note on my microphone that says, be funny.
00:51:57.000 And I know this hasn't been a very funny episode, but I'm biting off a lot to chew here.
00:52:03.000 Maybe it's more than I can chew.
00:52:04.000 And what I wanted to convey today was parenting tips.
00:52:08.000 And my parenting tip is be around.
00:52:11.000 That's it.
00:52:13.000 All the other stuff is gravy.
00:52:15.000 All the awesome dad stuff, that's your goal and you want to maximize that.
00:52:19.000 But it's not mandatory.
00:52:20.000 To get a passing grade, you really just need a C+.
00:52:23.000 And to be a C-plus dad, just exist.
00:52:27.000 Don't be wasted, don't be hungover.
00:52:29.000 Keith Richards, one of the reasons none of his kids drink is because when they think of booze, they think of dad asleep on the couch.
00:52:38.000 Don't drink too much.
00:52:40.000 And just be around.
00:52:41.000 I also wanted to give the childless encouragement and say it's honestly like Motley Crue live at your house when you're 15.
00:52:51.000 Tommy Lee is upstairs.
00:52:53.000 Like my kids, I know this sounds gay, but my kids are rock stars and I'm impressed by them.
00:52:58.000 Like I like their fingers.
00:53:00.000 You know what I mean?
00:53:01.000 Like if I see my youngest funny little sock sitting by the laundry, his feet are so small it's almost a square, his sock.
00:53:09.000 I could look at that sock for a day.
00:53:11.000 So that's awesome. 0.97
00:53:13.000 And then I also briefly wanted to touch on marriage, which I'll do a whole other podcast on, which is it can suck.
00:53:18.000 You know, Naomi Schafer Riley, her and her husband, Jason Riley, are both great writers.
00:53:24.000 And she says one of the reasons divorce is so high is you think that you're with your soulmate and your partner has to be your best friend and they have to like the same music as you. 0.99
00:53:35.000 And you get, you know, it's just like hanging out with your bro, but your bro has a vagina. 1.00
00:53:40.000 No. 1.00
00:53:41.000 It's just a wife. 1.00
00:53:42.000 It's awesome to be with her.
00:53:43.000 You have a lot in common.
00:53:44.000 You love her.
00:53:45.000 You worship the ground she walks on. 0.99
00:53:47.000 You would die for her, take a bullet, etc.
00:53:50.000 But it doesn't have to be your best friend. 0.98
00:53:53.000 And you can have a bad month.
00:53:54.000 You can have a bad year. 0.99
00:53:56.000 If you moved to China, the first year would suck. 1.00
00:53:59.000 I can't be friends with people who are divorced and have a baby. 0.96
00:54:03.000 I just don't get it.
00:54:05.000 Even a one-year-old and a two-year-old, they talk about racism.
00:54:10.000 If a black guy likes the same things you do, it's a challenge not to like him. 0.97
00:54:14.000 I don't believe in racism. 0.94
00:54:15.000 However, there are biases I have that go way, way before race or anything silly like that.
00:54:22.000 And it is.
00:54:24.000 Even flip-flops are ahead of race.
00:54:28.000 If someone let their family down and couldn't keep it together and has little kids, I don't understand.
00:54:34.000 Like, what's the matter?
00:54:34.000 You weren't getting enough felicio in the first year?
00:54:37.000 Sorry.
00:54:38.000 Sorry you didn't get laid enough when your wife just had a cesarean.
00:54:43.000 Anyway, not a funny episode, but an important episode.
00:54:47.000 And I got plenty of money.
00:54:48.000 I don't need a job.
00:54:50.000 I don't have anything to gain from you having kids.
00:54:53.000 I promise you.
00:54:54.000 You'll have to take my word for it.
00:54:56.000 I promise you.
00:54:57.000 I want you to get past the sowing the wild oats phase and embrace the next chapter, which is family.
00:55:03.000 Because I used to be you.
00:55:05.000 I used to want to live in the wild oats phase and never have kids.
00:55:09.000 My wife convinced me otherwise.
00:55:10.000 And the only thing I regret now is waiting so long. 0.99
00:55:13.000 I should have impregnated that bitch the night I met her at Max Fish in 2001 and she was 29. 1.00
00:55:19.000 I should have started making babies that night! 1.00
00:55:23.000 I'd have a bunch of 15-year-old friends hanging out right now.
00:55:29.000 Yes, to remind you, there's two other shows now.
00:55:32.000 There's CRTV Tonight, which you get via the paywall at crtv.com slash Gavin.
00:55:37.000 There's also
00:55:38.000 My daily show, Monday to Thursday, Get Off My Lawn.
00:55:41.000 And of course, there is the free podcast that's going into your ears right now, creating vibrations on your tympanic membrane, which then send electronic signals to your brain, and those various shocks and blips and bleeps are translated into the English language, which is your mother tongue.
00:55:59.000 And you are hearing that, gaining those thoughts, and those are literally memes.
00:56:04.000 That's what separates us from monkeys.
00:56:06.000 We don't go by genes, we go by memes.
00:56:09.000 And I'm not talking about Pepe on Twitter, I'm talking about conveying stories.
00:56:13.000 And now, your life is more enriched.
00:56:15.000 You see, a monkey sees a saber-toothed tiger, he just goes, Wee!
00:56:19.000 Wee! 0.99
00:56:19.000 Wee! 0.99
00:56:19.000 He can't tell his fellow monkeys, stay away from long-toothed cats. 0.99
00:56:23.000 We are storytellers.
00:56:24.000 So we can tell each other,
00:56:26.000 Our experiences and now they're your experiences.
00:56:29.000 So now your life is enriched because I just conveyed a meme.
00:56:31.000 That's why we're creaming all the other species on the old evolution race. 1.00
00:56:36.000 Because you've now lived my life.
00:56:39.000 And that's me just doing my job as a human on this day.
00:56:44.000 And telling you to make babies. 0.91