It's a trick I've been doing for a long time, and I'm not proud of it, but it's actually a good one. Acting like you're retarded at the airport is a 9 on the 1-10 scale of immorality, and it's about as bad as you can get. But flying has become a nightmare, and when we would go on these flights, business trips, I'm never sitting with my business partner. Now, we're going to LA to pitch a show or something. Now I can't relax, even though we finally got our flight, and now I gotta sit there, like some sort of carny, and argue with these people on the plane. Can I do it so I can sit next to my friend? Why? We bought our seats at the same time, why are we not sitting together? Why do we have to be on the other side of the plane? And they say it's because they have to balance the plane, and they can t relax even though they've got all the kids there, even after we finally get our bags checked, and all the luggage checked. And now I'm gonna sit there and hustle on the 5th person, and complain about it even though it's like New York City in the 1850s and I got him in the middle and he's a butcher trying to get to the 5 points so he can sit with my son. and now he can't even get on board the plane because he can t get on it because he's not on it. And he's too busy. And it's a kid. And so he's going to get on the airplane. And I would be embarrassed to admit that I would act like a handicapped person. And sometimes I would do something like that. And then I would, like, I would just act like I was handicapped and I would steal a leaf blower. And then they'd always say, "Don't worry about it. It's okay about it, cause they were going to let me go, cause it's not a good day." And I'd be like, don't worry, it's gonna be okay, cause I don't care about it cause they look like it's okay, right? And then the people with me would just be fair and they looked like they were gonna knock over a table or something And they would apologize so I would apologize about it . Don't worry.
Transcript
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00:00:00.000I'm not proud of this, but I pretended I was retarded.
00:00:11.000And I think it would be... I would be remiss if I were to discuss years of scams and... Sorry, I ran down the hallway to the studio, so I'm a little out of breath.
00:01:29.000In fact, we spent like an hour trying to rewind, which is very difficult on the interface that is on the back of this person's seat in front of you, to get back to the part where he says to Ming-Mong, uh, good day, puss cake.
00:01:45.000Because he's mad at the kid for not hitting on Ming-Ming.
00:02:02.000I would show up at the airport, at the gate, and my buddy, my co-worker, would go to the gate, and he'd say, hi, I need to sit with my stepbrother.
00:02:15.000He's kind of, I don't want to say high-maintenance.
00:02:18.000And then I'd be sitting next to him, doing this thing where my head is sort of cocked, like Rain Man.
00:02:24.000And I'd be moving my hands a lot, and my eyes would be wide, wide open.
00:03:06.000Sometimes when I buy tickets for my family, there'll be five of us, we bought them at the same time, and they'll go, and we're scattered all over the plane.
00:03:12.000And now, I gotta sit there and hustle on the plane, I can't relax, even though we finally got our flight, we got all the kids there, you know, everyone's iPad is charged, I got the luggage checked, and now I gotta sit there, like some sort of carny, and argue with these people on the plane, like, hey, could I sit with my son, and then maybe you could sit over here, and here's 20 bucks, and...
00:03:32.000God, it's like New York City in the 1850s.
00:03:36.000I got to build a butcher trying to get him in the know-nothings to go to the five points so I can sit with my son.
00:03:47.000And they say it's because we have to balance the plane.
00:03:49.000Oh, my five-year-old son is going to send us careening off to the left.
00:03:55.000Who put that kid on the right-hand side of the plane?
00:04:11.000And sometimes I would just over the past few decades, I'm embarrassed to admit, I would, uh, act like I was handicapped and, uh, wreck stuff, steal a Mexican's leaf blower, um, get into someone's car, knock over a table.
00:04:28.000And then the people with me would go, Timmy!
00:04:31.000And they would profusely apologize to whoever I destroyed, whatever their stuff was, whatever little display I knocked over.
00:04:39.000And he would go, and they'd always say, it's okay.
00:05:15.000Where English people are second-class citizens.
00:05:18.000It's language apartheid over there, and you can't really get in.
00:05:22.000Everyone hates you when you're English in Quebec, and you can't get a job if you don't speak perfect French, so... And they make your children go to French schools.
00:05:34.000Steven Crowder is also from Montreal, and we were talking about this, how, you know, they make your kids go to French school, so your kids are counting in French, like, dix, vingt, trente, quarante, cinquante, soixante.
00:05:44.000The kids, now you're in your kid's head.
00:05:46.000They controlled your children's thoughts.
00:05:50.000And if you have a sign that says Joe's Shoes instead of Chaussure de Joe, someone takes a picture of your store and you get a fine.
00:05:59.000They have language police walking around with Polaroid cameras.
00:06:53.000And they would always let me in and I would walk in with the patch cord or the box or the large thing, and then plop that down by the stage and go enjoy the show.
00:07:02.000Also, I've never done this one, but I've heard a good trick is to buy a DJ case, like the thing that holds all the records.
00:07:08.000Don't put anything in it, and just sort of wheel that up to the front of the club, and you can get into any club as the DJ.
00:07:17.000Anyway, we were getting on the plane once, and I was enjoying being Timmy, because my wife had outlawed him.
00:07:23.000She thought it would jinx our children.
00:07:25.000So I hadn't done him in a long time, and then we started traveling a lot to pitch TV in L.A., and all of a sudden, Timmy is back from the grave.
00:07:32.000And as I'm getting on the plane, I go, I'm number one!
00:10:45.000And I think she was thinking, why don't I sit with that handsome blonde guy who looks like Noah Syndergaard, and I'll seat my handicapped son with this handicapped guy?
00:10:55.000Because it's rare that this ailment is, you know, sometimes they're too retarded, sometimes they're not retarded enough.
00:13:04.000Back in Montreal days and I heard there was a cure for Hep C. Now, everyone I knew, not everyone, plenty of people I knew had Hep C from, because I was in junky Montreal and people would share needles.
00:13:16.000And Hep C is a horrible disease that rots your blood and it destroys your liver because your poor liver is busting its ass trying to clean this shitty blood.
00:13:26.000So you're gonna get liver cancer or something eventually.
00:13:49.000Not Che Guevara, not Zapatista, not even Malcolm X, or even, I guess Martin Luther King deserves a day, but why doesn't Norman Borlaug, a billion lives?
00:14:01.000And when we cured Hep C, that should have been across... No one should have talked about anything but.
00:14:10.000And, um, the fact that, uh, did he use a condom or not?
00:14:16.000We're staring at Stormy Daniels' tits, and it's Anderson Cooper, so we're watching two people who have both had, like, five dicks in their face at once.
00:14:50.000But anyway, before they had this, they discovered a vaccination.
00:14:53.000They probably should have known that they're on their way to a cure if they can come with a vaccine.
00:14:59.000I called up the Montreal Health Clinic, and I said, hello, my name's Gavin, and I understand that you have a cure for Hep C. I'd love to come in and get it.
00:15:50.000I mean, it's nice remembering stuff, it's nice reading your tweets the next morning, and they're not written by a stranger, it's nice never being hungover, but it's also not nice never having a buzz, and it's not nice not being pickled.
00:17:59.000And I would go to the front of the line.
00:18:01.000Now where is this on the morality scale?
00:18:04.000Uh, I'm not really hurting anyone, and I think it's Montreal's political correctness that was putting me at the front of the line, and that's BS.
00:18:12.000But, gays are probably more likely to have Hep C, because I think you get it from poo.
00:18:18.000And they do tend to eat a lot more ass than we do.
00:19:04.000They gave me a big pile of pamphlets about ass eating.
00:19:09.000I had dudes on it and then they sit me down they put a VHS tape in this is 94 and they make me watch a video on men in love who want to express their love for each other in many ways using their mouths all over their bodies and that includes the butthole obviously and I was going
00:20:03.000It was like one time I was so hungover I fainted on a plane.
00:20:06.000I went up to get water and I said to the stewardess, I was doing coke all night in Louisiana, New Orleans, and I don't feel... and I just collapsed in the stewardess's bay.
00:20:19.000And then I woke up, had some orange juice.
00:20:22.000Felt like a billion bucks, by the way, after the orange juice.
00:20:24.000I sat back down in my chair, told the old lady next to me I had diabetes.
00:20:29.000Because the whole plane, when I was passed out, they said, we have a man who's passed out on the plane.
00:21:33.000They never really grabbed me, like, in a tackle hole, but they were just sort of holding onto me like weak zombies in a Billy Idol video, like, dancing with myself, you know?
00:21:41.000And I just sort of slooped by them all, and then just walked off the plane.
00:24:28.000This is the age where you get in fistfights with your friends because they won't put in a dollar for the $3 of gas that you guys are using when you board your mom's car.
00:24:36.000So $200, that's a hundred years of gas fights.
00:29:59.000So, I would sit in the freezer, bundled up, and I would make, I had a little ice cream parlor back there, and I would make you banana splits, I would come up with new things, what about jam on top of whipped cream on top of this banana ice cream?
00:30:14.000And then people would come in for a break and they'd go, this is amazing, what do you call this?
00:30:52.000He wrote an article called An Animal's Place that argued that just as many animals die for your soy in the wheat harvesters and the, you know, the pesticides in the fields, the birds.
00:31:04.000That die when you have a normal small-town organic farm.
00:31:08.000Not mass production of meat, but small-town production of meat is actually more ethical.
00:31:14.000So I stopped being a vegetarian after 15 years when I read that article.
00:31:43.000Anyway, the way we would throw out the garbage is there were boxes and they would be in the back room and you'd have like some rotten lettuce or a dead tomato and you'd throw that in the box and then you take the boxes to the dumpster.
00:31:53.000It was easier than dealing with a bag obviously, right?
00:31:55.000And plus you obviously had almost infinite boxes coming in because that's how the produce arrived.
00:32:02.000So what I would do is I would go shopping for myself and fill the shopping cart up with all the expensive stuff.
00:32:11.000All kinds of stuff too, like there was this soy, I don't know, like this weird paste that was made in Japan that took about a thousand years to make and was just jam-packed with nutrition.
00:32:23.000You'd make a soup with it, you know what I mean?
00:32:26.000And it was soup, it was like 40 bucks or something.
00:32:28.000I'd throw that in the garbage box, and I would layer maybe two or even three boxes with awesome expensive groceries, including tofu ice cream and shit.
00:32:44.000And then I would put garbage on top of those three boxes.
00:32:48.000So at the end of my shift, we would close the shop and we would go out to the dumpster, throw all the crap in the dumpster, and then load up Steve's car with all these awesome groceries.
00:33:01.000And our fridge looked like Chelsea Handler's fridge.
00:33:07.000It looked like Jennifer Aniston's fridge.
00:34:55.000I used to pack their record boxes and ship them out to the various stores.
00:34:58.000Then I also used to drive to America, which is only an hour from Montreal, fill up my van with records like Anal Cunt was one band that we had to bring over the border,
00:35:10.000And argue with the customs guys, because it was cheaper to ship to America.
00:35:14.000So they'd ship all their different manufacturers would meet in this one upstate New York spot.
00:35:19.000I'd pick it up and then drive that one giant van through the border.
00:35:24.000And I remember having the entrepreneurial spirit even back then.
00:35:27.000I would have been like 21 and saying, why don't I buy the van and I'll be my own individual company that ships and then you just pay me as an LLC.
00:35:37.000I think being an entrepreneur is in your blood genetically.
00:35:40.000But uh, I remember one time I was at Customs and he's got a Butthole Surfers CD and he goes, is this like surfers who are buttholes?
00:36:27.000But with the other job, you do the inventory, so this, they want an Anal Cunt CD, a Butthole Surfer CD, a Gene D. Allen CD, you put it in the box, and then I'd fill my same van, and then I'd drive to the post office, and ship them all out.
00:36:42.000Or the, whatever it was, the delivery place.
00:36:45.000I can't remember if it was UPS or... So, what I would do is, and on the immorality scale, this is up there too.
00:37:13.000And then I would put newspaper in there, seal it up.
00:37:15.000Then me, again, this was Steve, me and Steve would get in the van, we drive to the UPS, whatever it was, and then slit open the box, not cutting the label, remember, because it's off to the side, take out the 30 we had put aside, fill the hole with newspaper, seal it back up, send it off.
00:37:35.000Now, the only flaw with this plan is the people at the record store in Calgary,
00:37:42.000They open it up, they've got their 30 CDs in a giant box.
00:37:45.000Why is this box so big for so few CDs?
00:37:48.000But I don't think that triggered any alarms.
00:38:51.000Because when you're an entrepreneur, you've got to do tricks like that.
00:38:55.000You want to stay moral, you want to be legal, but there's times when you have to, like with Vice.
00:39:00.000We said we printed 40,000 back in newsprint days.
00:39:04.000We had to say that because everyone else was lying.
00:39:07.000The Montreal Mirror, the Hour, they all lied and said 40,000.
00:39:11.000In fact, it got to the point when they got bigger that they would, they, when they started getting monitors, they couldn't say that lie anymore.
00:39:22.000And then a recycling truck would take $50,000 to the recycling plant from the place where they made them and immediately start recycling them.
00:39:30.000So that's the level of dishonesty in the business world, and that's how they survived.
00:39:37.000If they were honest and said, we only print $50,000, well, they'd say, well, the competition prints $100,000, so we're going with them.
00:39:46.000This isn't a very moral episode, I'm realizing right now, but I guess I'm saying,
00:39:52.000Part of being a survivor is being a hustler and not trusting people and not, you know, when they say, no, we can't do it, just not accepting that.
00:40:33.000In New York, when you're dealing with a bidder in Manhattan, everyone's hustling, everyone's lying, everyone's cheating, everyone's playing dirty pool.
00:40:40.000So, the contract is for $10, then you get a bill from the contractor and it says $15, and then you have to hammer him down and chisel away and talk about small claims court to get back down to say,