Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - October 20, 2017


Get Off My Lawn Podcast #4 | People In New York Smell Bad


Episode Stats

Length

1 hour and 9 minutes

Words per Minute

163.09052

Word Count

11,381

Sentence Count

969

Misogynist Sentences

45

Hate Speech Sentences

53


Summary

In this episode, we talk about the disgusting stench of Krusty Punks and the smell of rotting human excrement, and how to deal with it. Also, Dale talks about his new show on Comedy Central with Milo and how he doesn t like the way that people smell in New York City, and why he doesn't like it. Also, he talks about the fact that he's not a big fan of crusty punks and their ukuleles and their weird smell, which is a good thing, because it makes him smell like a dumpster fire. And he also talks about why he thinks people in NYC smell bad and why it's a bad thing. And finally, he makes a case for why you should not be offended by the stinky smell of a homeless person who's trying to make you feel bad about the smell you're getting from them, because they don't have a nose like a human waste bag, and it's gross and it smells like something you should be sickened by, and that you should just leave them alone, because you don't need to be sick to smell like that. And that's not even half as bad as you think it is, because we're all sick from the smell they're trying to give you. And we're not sick from it, we're sick from that smell, we know it's not that bad, we just need to smell it, but we can't help it, so we can try to make it better, right? We'll talk about it, and we'll try to figure out how to stop it out, we'll see if we can, we can make it, shall we? And we can get over it, can we? And then we'll get back to it and we won't get sick of it? We'll get there, we ll get there soon, we promise we'll be back, we will get there next week, we won t stop trying to get there we'll all of that right next week! Thank you for listening to this episode of Thick & Thin, we love you, bye, bye. -Elliott -Dale, bye! -Jonah Jonah, Jonah & Dale, Cheers, Caitlyn Caitlyn, Caitie, Sarah, Mikey, Ben, and Mikey Sarah ( )


Transcript

00:00:01.000 People in New York smell bad.
00:00:04.000 I go there every day.
00:00:07.000 And, uh, I just did a thing with Milo.
00:00:09.000 I guess it'll air Monday.
00:00:11.000 He's got a show that he does on his new network.
00:00:16.000 And, uh, it went very well.
00:00:18.000 I'm pretty happy with it.
00:00:19.000 In fact, it went so well that I felt drained after.
00:00:23.000 Um, and no, that's not sexual, you perverts.
00:00:28.000 But I feel like a person has X amount of chi in this body.
00:00:33.000 X amount of energy.
00:00:34.000 X amount of oomph, pizzazz.
00:00:38.000 As they said, I'm with Dale and I. And after sort of really trying to dazzle on that show, I was kind of dead after.
00:00:47.000 But on the way there, there was two Krusty Punks.
00:00:51.000 And Krusty Punks in 2017, they're not very punk.
00:00:56.000 Like they play ukuleles and stuff and they do folk music.
00:01:00.000 God, they're disgusting.
00:01:02.000 And they smell so bad.
00:01:05.000 I get annoyed with some immigrants from Pakistan in the yellow cabs in New York.
00:01:12.000 They're all from Lahore, and they sometimes smell bad.
00:01:14.000 And they smell like the way I would smell if I worked a 14-hour shift and drank tons of coffee and, you know, barely ate.
00:01:22.000 Your body starts digesting itself, and that's not a nice smell.
00:01:27.000 So I got problems with that and I make it very vocal when that happens because you're putting your human waste into my body.
00:01:33.000 I actually explained this on that Milo interview.
00:01:37.000 But with Krusty Punks, it's different.
00:01:39.000 It's more homeless.
00:01:41.000 It's more intense.
00:01:43.000 And it's this sort of a...
00:01:46.000 Really tangy, sweet smell.
00:01:50.000 Almost like cotton candy mixed with a cadaver.
00:01:54.000 And one of the reasons I have a big mustache is because I lived in New York since the late 90s and I put my mustache up into my nostrils when I get that.
00:02:04.000 And I don't have to smell it as much.
00:02:07.000 It's a nice filter.
00:02:08.000 I remember reading about aristocrats in the 1800s in Britain.
00:02:12.000 They would take a hanky and soak it in orange perfume and they would put it up against their nose when they walked by the homeless.
00:02:20.000 That sounds very classist, you know, if you live in Colorado in 2017, but
00:02:27.000 In New York, I hear that story and go, where are these available?
00:02:30.000 Do you have a box of wet wipes that are orange perfume flavored and they can be applied as mustache wax?
00:02:38.000 Because I want them.
00:02:39.000 And so I'm looking at these crusty punks with their sporadic tattoos and their wood ukuleles on a rope.
00:02:45.000 and I'm smelling there's sort of a weird crotch sort of a genitalia pungent rotten candy like if you poured milk on Halloween candy and put it in a plastic bag with a wet bathing suit for a year and then opened it in your face kind of a smell and I just go oh god now I'm wearing a three-piece suit with a pink tie and a pink pocket handkerchief so I look like a pretentious aristocrat which I am
00:03:16.000 And they're sort of looking back at me like, oh, Mr. Rich Pants, what's your matter?
00:03:21.000 You don't like poor people?
00:03:22.000 They don't have an accent that cool.
00:03:24.000 They're definitely rich kids themselves for the most part, right?
00:03:27.000 So they're from the suburbs of Philadelphia and San Francisco, and they're pretending that they're playing homeless for a while.
00:03:36.000 They jump the trains.
00:03:39.000 Often get their legs cut off.
00:03:42.000 I know that sounds insane, but these Krusty Punks who ride the trains, they'll be drinking a bunch of 40s and they'll fall and they'll get, they'll fall in the tracks and they'll get their legs cut off.
00:03:53.000 I come from that world, by the way.
00:03:56.000 That's why I know this.
00:03:58.000 I remember in the, in the, I got into punk in the early 80s.
00:04:02.000 And I saw the crusty thing happening in the 90s, early 90s, and I went, eh, I think I'm out.
00:04:07.000 A lot of you are paralyzed and you have facial tattoos and you're rich kids pretending to be homeless.
00:04:11.000 It's gross.
00:04:13.000 And it literally is gross.
00:04:15.000 I mean, this smell.
00:04:18.000 You hear cops talk about how smelling a dead body is a smell you never get over and you can just conjure it up anytime you want.
00:04:26.000 This is how they smelled.
00:04:29.000 It was one of those sticks-in-your-craw smells, but it sticks in your nasal capacity.
00:04:36.000 And I talked to Milo about it when I got to the interview.
00:04:39.000 And he goes, did you know, actually, that, um, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, um, did you know that the conservatives, those on the right, have a much more sensitive gag reflex?
00:04:51.000 This is a guy, by the way, who gets up to sexual things that I don't even want to read about in hieroglyphics.
00:04:58.000 But he says, yeah, yeah, yeah, we actually,
00:05:02.000 We are much more sensitive.
00:05:05.000 That's not how he talks.
00:05:06.000 I'm doing like the king's speech now.
00:05:09.000 But I believe him.
00:05:11.000 He was saying that, yeah, we're more sensitive to gross stuff.
00:05:15.000 And that's clear.
00:05:17.000 That's clear politically.
00:05:18.000 They're more tolerant of disgusting things.
00:05:21.000 I just saw a woman.
00:05:23.000 She was like a Slovenian artist or something.
00:05:25.000 And she had locked herself in a room with dogs for many months.
00:05:30.000 And she had induced her breasts to lactate.
00:05:35.000 And she was then feeding the dogs.
00:05:37.000 She also was taking cells from her body and breeding them with the dogs.
00:05:43.000 To make, I don't know what, not a person, right?
00:05:45.000 Not a dog man?
00:05:48.000 This is like Alex Jones.
00:05:49.000 Remember that lunatic Alex Jones who said they're making the frogs gay?
00:05:53.000 And then we look it up and we go, actually yeah, amphibians are having trouble with gender assignment genetically because there's so much pollution and estrogen in the water.
00:06:05.000 And amphibians are very sensitive to water, obviously.
00:06:08.000 They're 50% water dwellers.
00:06:10.000 If you see red F's,
00:06:12.000 In your neighborhood, then you have great water there because bad water means no amphibians.
00:06:19.000 And you realize Alex Jones isn't a nut.
00:06:22.000 He's just a guy who speaks in a hyperbolic way about the truth.
00:06:26.000 And yes, liberals, artists are breastfeeding puppies and trying to breed with them.
00:06:33.000 That's a fact.
00:06:35.000 There are flat earthers!
00:06:38.000 Although they tend to be, I think, pretty left, uh, right-wing.
00:06:41.000 Like Tila Tequila.
00:06:43.000 But anyway.
00:06:45.000 Those reekers on the train, they personify the unbridled decadence of the left.
00:06:52.000 And as someone who's been there, I remember sort of watching my friends drift.
00:06:59.000 And going, guys, uh, I think you're confusing a joke or a fashion trend or a parody with reality.
00:07:08.000 You know this is a phase, right?
00:07:11.000 Like with Dash Snow when he OD'd on heroin.
00:07:14.000 He wanted to be, this is my conjecture, obviously.
00:07:17.000 This whole show is my conjecture.
00:07:19.000 It's not, it's not, I'm not the Webster's Dictionary.
00:07:22.000 But I couldn't help but think he was known as the bad boy of New York.
00:07:25.000 This is my friend Dash Snow.
00:07:27.000 He's an artist.
00:07:27.000 He was in a sort of a crew in New York in the early 2000s called IRAK.
00:07:33.000 I-R-A-K.
00:07:34.000 And RAK to these kids means stealing.
00:07:37.000 So I steal.
00:07:42.000 And then he got so into his persona that he thought, man, if I die, if I become a junkie and die, then I'll always be known as that Dash Snow, like Sid Vicious or something.
00:07:56.000 And you go, yeah, but Sid Vicious is like a Christmas card.
00:08:01.000 He's like a picture on a piece of cardboard.
00:08:04.000 He's not a person.
00:08:05.000 He has no legacy.
00:08:06.000 He has no children.
00:08:07.000 He's not real.
00:08:10.000 His mother's dead, his father's dead, he's gone now.
00:08:12.000 He's just like a song.
00:08:14.000 He's really... Sid Vicious is a song.
00:08:16.000 And Dash Snow, with a beautiful daughter and a lovely wife, or girlfriend, whatever she was, he cut himself out of that so he could be a Christmas card.
00:08:27.000 And you go, okay, I'll put you on my mantelpiece.
00:08:29.000 I actually had a beautiful print, a Ryan McGinley print.
00:08:33.000 It's worth probably half a million bucks today, I don't know.
00:08:37.000 And it was Dash Snow snorting Coke.
00:08:40.000 You know, when he was 16.
00:08:43.000 And I don't want that in my house.
00:08:45.000 I actually have no idea where it is.
00:08:46.000 I would log it to movie sets back when I had a potential as an actor.
00:08:51.000 And uh... That sounds lame.
00:08:54.000 But um...
00:08:56.000 I thought, I don't want this on my wall, because my kids say, who's that?
00:08:59.000 Oh, that's a guy I used to know, who's dead now, because he wanted to be an icon, he did tons of heroin.
00:09:05.000 Oh, okay.
00:09:05.000 Thanks for the heads up, Dad.
00:09:07.000 Maybe I'll try that.
00:09:08.000 My dad clearly reveres drug addicts.
00:09:12.000 Same with Sid Vicious.
00:09:14.000 I have a great four foot by four foot print of a Polaroid of Sid Vicious that I like, but I'm not putting that on my wall.
00:09:22.000 I don't want my kids to see a junkie on the wall.
00:09:26.000 Liberals, however, don't seem to get that connect.
00:09:29.000 And you know who that hurts?
00:09:30.000 Illiberals.
00:09:34.000 You know who Islam hurts?
00:09:38.000 Muslims.
00:09:39.000 Like Somalia.
00:09:41.000 Who was damaged by?
00:09:42.000 Wasn't there a massive explosion there?
00:09:44.000 Can you look that up, Dave?
00:09:46.000 Big explosion there recently.
00:09:49.000 I've got my door creaking behind me because I'm at home.
00:09:53.000 I like that, though.
00:09:54.000 The studio should be the professional place, and this place can have noises.
00:09:58.000 It can have beeps.
00:10:00.000 It can have dogs barking.
00:10:01.000 That's color.
00:10:03.000 Mogadishu truck bomb, at least 20 dead after huge explosion in Somali capital.
00:10:09.000 Liberals don't get this.
00:10:11.000 They say- I remember David Cross said, uh, after 9-11, he goes,
00:10:16.000 I know that it was about our foreign policy because the guy who did it, Osama Bin Laden, said it was about our foreign policy.
00:10:23.000 I said, Dave, you're imbuing all of this authority on a lunatic.
00:10:29.000 Lunatic rich kid, by the way, who went to American schools and decided, I'm going to be a blue collar warrior.
00:10:38.000 Same with Gandhi, with his stupid rags all over his arms.
00:10:43.000 He was a rich kid in a suit and he went, oh, I'm going to be a man of the people.
00:10:49.000 Hello.
00:10:49.000 You need to stop.
00:10:51.000 Get the Brits out.
00:10:53.000 It's sort of like, have you noticed that with mulatto students, college kids, they tend to be much more radical than like a normal black dude.
00:11:02.000 I feel like I know more normal black dudes than most white people.
00:11:07.000 And they're not political.
00:11:09.000 They don't have their fist in the air.
00:11:12.000 Even those guys with their fist in the air at the Olympics, have you noticed they had different gloves on?
00:11:20.000 Or it should be more specifically, the same gloves?
00:11:23.000 One had his right fist in the air, the other had his left fist in the air.
00:11:27.000 You know why that was?
00:11:28.000 Because one of them forgot his gloves.
00:11:33.000 So he's yeah, oh my god, I would love to see a comedy sketch of that They'd never do it ever but one of the guys going wait a minute.
00:11:41.000 What's going on?
00:11:43.000 I want I I want to wear gloves, but I forgot my gloves.
00:11:46.000 You're kidding me.
00:11:48.000 You forgot your gloves Look dude, it's the Olympics.
00:11:52.000 I was all caught up, but I want to get involved.
00:11:54.000 I'm not backing out I
00:11:58.000 Okay, how about this?
00:11:59.000 You wear my left hand glove.
00:12:01.000 Actually, I'm putting too much authenticity on them.
00:12:06.000 They probably didn't give a crap.
00:12:08.000 The guy with the two gloves probably went, no problem, man.
00:12:11.000 Here, you wear my left glove, I'll wear the right glove.
00:12:13.000 And then they did that.
00:12:15.000 So one guy has his right arm in the air, the other guy has his left arm in the air.
00:12:19.000 I saw them in the news recently.
00:12:20.000 They owed us hell.
00:12:24.000 But yeah.
00:12:26.000 This whole political racial thing doesn't really, blacks don't tend to talk like that.
00:12:32.000 Most people don't tend to talk like that.
00:12:34.000 It's a predominantly white, upper middle class thing to be obsessed with identity politics and race and justice and not ethics because they're not ethical and not morals because they're not moral.
00:12:47.000 But
00:12:49.000 I don't know, civil rights or something.
00:12:52.000 Trying to, you know, staple the 1960s onto 2017.
00:13:00.000 To ignore 100 years seems to be a predominantly upper-middle class, well-educated, white thing.
00:13:06.000 And it's tedious.
00:13:10.000 And that is why, maybe, that's why I barf more.
00:13:17.000 Maybe that's why these people literally make me barf.
00:13:20.000 You should have smelled this.
00:13:21.000 And when they got off the train, I thought, and also by the way I have to worry about those people because they might want to punch me because they punch Nazis and in their mind I'm a Nazi and I'm famous so they know who I am.
00:13:34.000 So I'm sort of ready to fight also when I smell this.
00:13:38.000 So when they got out of the car of the train, I literally could breathe easier.
00:13:43.000 I thought here we are in a in a colloquialism that's live and real.
00:13:47.000 I feel safer.
00:13:49.000 I can breathe easier.
00:13:52.000 Actually, walking around New York sometimes, I start thinking, I'm going to need a knife in my briefcase.
00:13:58.000 I don't mean a knife in my briefcase, I mean a briefcase with a knife function.
00:14:03.000 Where I can slide the handle, and a knife comes out of the bottom.
00:14:08.000 And then I can stab you in the neck, and then it goes back in.
00:14:13.000 And then if the police confiscate my briefcase, they can look at it and it will look like a normal briefcase.
00:14:20.000 Can someone out there who's good at this kind of stuff help me?
00:14:23.000 I want a briefcase where a knife can shoot out of the bottom corner.
00:14:26.000 Oh, I'm actually giving it away right now in the court of law.
00:14:30.000 Shoot.
00:14:30.000 That's the end of that.
00:14:32.000 But anyway, here's a concept that just died by being publicized.
00:14:37.000 You have a thing not a button because the police would see a button but like a like a thing like a
00:14:44.000 on the handle where you push it forward and then slide the top backwards and then a knife comes out of the bottom right and you stab the guy that's trying to kill you obviously you don't randomly stab people it's self-defense and then you put it back and then the guy goes he stabbed me he's insane and you go okay uh officer here's my briefcase i don't know what this guy's talking about i don't have a knife and then the cops at least are going to assume that you threw the knife away
00:15:12.000 So I'm thinking these kind of thoughts as I walk around New York, head to my Milo thing.
00:15:17.000 And I'm also thinking about Dana Lash, who I should get on the show soon.
00:15:20.000 I gotta say, since I moved from Compound Media to CRTV, people are open to being on the show.
00:15:28.000 And it might just be the lack of swear words.
00:15:30.000 I don't know what it is, but the plan is coming to fruition.
00:15:33.000 The plan with this show was,
00:15:37.000 To retain the ideals, retain the important stuff, patriarchy, you know, West is the best, Western chauvinism, all that stuff, capitalism, the Constitution being the main thing.
00:15:51.000 Retain all that.
00:15:53.000 But make it such that, you know, if my kids ever heard it, they wouldn't be mortified, and I could get it out to a new audience, this message.
00:16:02.000 Which is, by the way, the most benign message ever, which is just, your dad wasn't wrong.
00:16:10.000 All those things your dad said to his friends at the bar 20 years ago were correct.
00:16:16.000 Illegal immigration is bad.
00:16:19.000 Gays?
00:16:20.000 Yeah, you're born gay.
00:16:21.000 Just don't enforce it on me.
00:16:21.000 I don't have a problem with it.
00:16:23.000 Don't make it affect my life.
00:16:26.000 Sexism?
00:16:27.000 Yeah.
00:16:28.000 You should be allowed to leave the kitchen, obviously.
00:16:31.000 You should be allowed to vote, but don't do it if you don't feel so inclined.
00:16:36.000 My radical right-wing politics are just normal things.
00:16:41.000 Anyway, I wanted to push that on a bigger audience, and it's happening.
00:16:45.000 I got Milo.
00:16:46.000 I got Pamela Geller.
00:16:48.000 I'm getting calls back.
00:16:49.000 I'm still gonna keep my weirdos though.
00:16:51.000 I think I got Copper Cab next week.
00:16:55.000 King Bunty, whatever his name is.
00:16:57.000 I'm still gonna have the freaks.
00:16:58.000 Because that makes for interesting contrast.
00:17:01.000 And I am a freak deep down.
00:17:04.000 But anyway.
00:17:09.000 I was thinking about Dana Lash and the suffering she endures.
00:17:14.000 It's not a very fashionable subject.
00:17:17.000 I remember I wrote an article once, I think it's on Tacky Magazine, it was about Will Ferrell and the life that celebrities lead.
00:17:24.000 And this is a strange segue to use because I'm not sure they deserve this or not, but I definitely know conservatives don't deserve their pariah status.
00:17:35.000 But, you know, I know a lot of celebs.
00:17:39.000 Because I've been in media for a while.
00:17:41.000 And I went to a baseball game with Will Ferrell, for example.
00:17:44.000 And he's trying to enjoy the game.
00:17:47.000 And the owners of the stadium come down.
00:17:49.000 They want him to do a promo for the Yankees.
00:17:52.000 And he goes, meh, I'm just going to enjoy the game, thanks.
00:17:55.000 And then he gets this kind of pissy attitude from the woman.
00:17:59.000 And she goes, well, we're, this is back when Land of the Lost was out.
00:18:02.000 And she goes, well, we're promoting Land of the Lost on the Jumbotron.
00:18:05.000 And he goes, OK, well, I appreciate that, but I'm not in the mood, basically.
00:18:09.000 He was very polite.
00:18:11.000 And this guy has to go through that every 10 minutes.
00:18:13.000 But another example is, and now I'm just name dropping.
00:18:17.000 These points aren't really relevant to my article.
00:18:20.000 I mean my point, but it helps me name drop and make you think I'm famous or cool.
00:18:26.000 Justin Theroux, Jennifer Aniston.
00:18:28.000 They live in a compound.
00:18:29.000 They have an armed guard by the gate, as all celebrities do in Beverly Hills.
00:18:34.000 You can't go grab a beer with Jennifer Aniston.
00:18:38.000 And isn't that a kind of jail?
00:18:40.000 Isn't that what Pablo Escobar had with his jail with giraffes and rhinos and everything?
00:18:46.000 I mean, I understand if you're jealous of that.
00:18:48.000 I'm not.
00:18:50.000 I really don't want to be in Pablo Escobar's super jail where he has this awesome, you have a giraffe flying around.
00:18:58.000 I actually knew a guy.
00:18:59.000 I had a home in Costa Rica for about 15 years.
00:19:03.000 And the guy I had looking after it, which you need to do, is a white guy, which you need to do.
00:19:09.000 I mean, a non-local.
00:19:10.000 Because the locals will slowly shrink your property.
00:19:14.000 They'll let someone plant tomatoes just by your gate and then move your gate in until you have nothing.
00:19:20.000 So you need, like, an American.
00:19:22.000 He can be black, by the way.
00:19:23.000 Sorry, it's not racist.
00:19:24.000 And, uh, anyway, he goes, you don't understand what's going on with me.
00:19:30.000 I, cause I would make fun of him all the time for complaining.
00:19:33.000 I'd go, oh, poor Jason.
00:19:35.000 He's in a tropical paradise.
00:19:38.000 And he'd go, dude, when you can't move, when you don't have a passport, when your friends don't know your real name,
00:19:46.000 You're in jail, and I understand that you don't understand that, but you ought to try it.
00:19:51.000 He goes, if my mom died tomorrow, I actually think she did eventually die, and I think this happened.
00:19:58.000 He goes, I couldn't go to her funeral.
00:20:01.000 That cripples a man.
00:20:02.000 By the way, he's a surfer whose entire leg is tattooed with waves and fish and stuff.
00:20:08.000 So I'm giving him much more articulate vocabulary than he would speak.
00:20:14.000 And he spoke like a... Oh God.
00:20:16.000 He was... I love the guy, by the way.
00:20:18.000 Great guy.
00:20:18.000 But he did... The way he talked was always this sort of...
00:20:23.000 Double entendre like, oh really?
00:20:24.000 Well, why not do that?
00:20:26.000 Like I go, so what are you doing now?
00:20:28.000 Are you are you still into like wave?
00:20:30.000 Remember you're reading all these books about waves before?
00:20:32.000 Yeah, well, maybe I am but aren't we all?
00:20:37.000 Stop trying to be Yoda all the time, dude.
00:20:40.000 Just answer my question and not everything has to be a parable.
00:20:46.000 Anyway, I think he had a point.
00:20:48.000 I think he was right.
00:20:50.000 If a man isn't mobile he feels
00:20:53.000 Not like a man.
00:20:54.000 And I did some time for headbutting a dude who beat up a woman who worked at one of the vice stores.
00:21:00.000 And I was in there for a long, long time.
00:21:03.000 Four hours.
00:21:04.000 I surfed time.
00:21:06.000 So I'm an ex-con, just like Jim Goad.
00:21:08.000 Just like Conrad Black.
00:21:13.000 Just like Charles Manson.
00:21:14.000 I've been in the hole.
00:21:15.000 Been in the tombs.
00:21:17.000 For four hours.
00:21:19.000 And I have to say, although it was fun, because they knew that I headbutted a guy that beat up a chick, so they liked me, so they put me up in the very, um...
00:21:29.000 What's that show?
00:21:35.000 What's that show?
00:21:35.000 Dave Barry something with the cop show from the 70s?
00:21:39.000 Anyway, the cell I was in was with the detectives.
00:21:42.000 I was the only one in it and I could hang my arms through the bars and bend my wrists like a homosexual and riff with the dudes.
00:21:48.000 It was awesome.
00:21:49.000 Barney Miller, that was it.
00:21:51.000 And I was there.
00:21:53.000 And so I had the best case scenario.
00:21:55.000 Nothing like real prison, obviously.
00:21:56.000 It was not Papillon.
00:21:58.000 But even in that super glorified, super simple, super fun version of jail, as soon as the bars went KONG!
00:22:08.000 I swear to God, I felt a feeling I've never felt before.
00:22:12.000 It was like inside my ribcage, I felt this crippling wrongness.
00:22:18.000 It was like my spine had snapped.
00:22:20.000 I felt like I was getting raped or something.
00:22:23.000 I felt like this isn't what I was genetically predisposed to do.
00:22:27.000 It was like a cave instinct.
00:22:29.000 It was really damning.
00:22:32.000 It was really demeaning.
00:22:33.000 It was dehumanizing.
00:22:34.000 It was demoralizing.
00:22:36.000 It was emasculating.
00:22:38.000 All with a click of a piece of steel going, ka-chunk!
00:22:43.000 And it just sort of strips away your humanity.
00:22:46.000 And this is someone who served time for four hours.
00:22:51.000 God knows what 40 years, what 10 years, what 5 years does to you, what 2 years.
00:22:58.000 We still put men in cages in 2017.
00:22:59.000 But anyway, yeah.
00:23:03.000 Jason was one of those guys who tried to convince me that you don't need to be in the hole to experience the problems of having your liberty removed.
00:23:17.000 And that sort of makes me love liberty more.
00:23:21.000 It makes me enjoy liberty more.
00:23:23.000 But anyway, I'm off the tangent here.
00:23:26.000 So, Dana Lash.
00:23:32.000 She, she is under siege.
00:23:35.000 She's terrorized.
00:23:37.000 And why?
00:23:38.000 Because she said we need to stay armed.
00:23:40.000 Now she meant that literally and figuratively.
00:23:44.000 Pamela Geller on my show the other day talked about staying armed.
00:23:48.000 I think Pamela was focusing on knowledge and a little bit of guns.
00:23:52.000 Dana is focusing on guns and a little bit, no, a lot of knowledge.
00:23:56.000 But as far as, it was like 60-40, 60-40 both times.
00:24:00.000 And that's seen as an act of war to the left.
00:24:03.000 Remember that controversy a few weeks ago where she said we need to fisk the New York Times and the left and they assumed she meant anally fist them?
00:24:14.000 Yeah, that's how Dana Lash talks.
00:24:16.000 She's constantly talking about fisting people that she doesn't like.
00:24:20.000 That's her M.O.
00:24:21.000 You're very familiar with her work, clearly.
00:24:25.000 And, um, so she's, she, you know, she's the NRA spokesperson.
00:24:30.000 And she says, we need to stay vigilant, we need to stay aware, we need to stay armed.
00:24:34.000 Uh, it's a, it's an inarguable point.
00:24:38.000 And she gets these threats, these threats where they threaten her children.
00:24:42.000 They threaten her family.
00:24:43.000 It's, they want to kill her, they want to eviscerate her.
00:24:46.000 Like, the, the threats she get are so graphic.
00:24:49.000 And it's funny how the left is all about morality and, and feminism and stuff.
00:24:53.000 And the worst, I think, we call their people, like Lena Dunham, is ugly.
00:24:58.000 But they talk about... I mean, I sat with Anthony Bourdain back when I had a potential in TV, and he talked about cutting... Oh my God, I'm blanking.
00:25:09.000 Who's the chick, the Alaskan senator that Tina Fey played?
00:25:14.000 Sarah Palin.
00:25:16.000 He talked about cutting Sarah Palin's skin off.
00:25:20.000 Just removing her skin.
00:25:22.000 And you think, I don't want to do that to a mass murderer.
00:25:25.000 I don't want to do that to a pedophile.
00:25:27.000 I want to shoot a pedophile in the head, but I don't want to cut his skin off.
00:25:31.000 I'm not... I would be dry heaving the entire time.
00:25:35.000 But the way the left deals with these female conservatives, even back in Michelle Malkin, when I first read Liberals Unhinged, and they go, oh, she's Filipina?
00:25:46.000 Let's talk about ping pong balls coming out of her vagina, because that's what happens in Cambodia, totally different place, and that's what she must do.
00:25:56.000 And you think,
00:25:57.000 The reason you guys call us these disgusting perverts and sexists and everything is because you're projecting.
00:26:05.000 No conservative sees an Asian woman and thinks such things.
00:26:09.000 Liberals think it all the time.
00:26:10.000 So when they insult us, they choose their own vocabulary.
00:26:15.000 Like the guy from Vox who was interviewing Lauren Southern.
00:26:19.000 And she said, the Pride Parade, if you ever want to become homophobic, check out the Pride Parade.
00:26:24.000 He assumed that meant that gays make her barf.
00:26:28.000 So when he interviewed her on this segment he recently did, I'm in it too, and it's about the far right on YouTube and the adpocalypse and stuff.
00:26:36.000 Easy to find.
00:26:38.000 And he wore a shirt that said queer on it.
00:26:41.000 Like that was gonna make her throw up.
00:26:45.000 That would make him throw up if she was wearing a Trump shirt.
00:26:49.000 So he wants to get revenge and do the reverse.
00:26:53.000 And it's a remarkably naive thing.
00:26:55.000 Like, the idea that Lauren Southern would be triggered if someone wore a queer shirt is just downright dumb.
00:27:02.000 I know Lauren very well.
00:27:04.000 That's the last thing that would ever occur to her.
00:27:07.000 Especially that age group, too.
00:27:09.000 Conservative or not, those kids... I call her a kid.
00:27:13.000 She's probably 26.
00:27:15.000 Those kids, they don't see gay.
00:27:16.000 They don't see race.
00:27:19.000 It's a boomer thing, ultimately.
00:27:22.000 And this kid, this interviewer from Vox, wearing the queer shirt like it was some sort of revolutionary thing.
00:27:27.000 I don't know, it reminds me of the whole, like, uh...
00:27:32.000 Trump has small hands or oh that guy you like that that guy you admire like it was like I wouldn't be surprised this has never happened to me by the way but I wouldn't be surprised if a liberal said oh yeah you like Pat Buchanan you know he's a fag right you know he's gay and I would go really okay yes he's married that's not very ethical that he wasted his wife's time but as far as his books I couldn't care less
00:27:59.000 So your smoking gun is really based on your hang-ups.
00:28:02.000 I know this is drifting into a cliché where I'm saying they're the real racists, they're the real homophobes, they're the real sexists, but they are!
00:28:09.000 And here's the big difference with the left and the right.
00:28:15.000 These are my theories.
00:28:17.000 These are things I believe.
00:28:19.000 These are hypotheses I've come up with
00:28:23.000 After accruing data.
00:28:26.000 And if you would like to argue with me, please come on my show.
00:28:31.000 Please fry me.
00:28:32.000 Because then I'm smarter if you win.
00:28:37.000 But they're just ideas that I have.
00:28:38.000 The left takes their ideas and they want to implement them as some sort of program.
00:28:47.000 You know, when I lived in Taiwan, I lived in Taiwan for about four months,
00:28:52.000 And Mao is very popular there.
00:28:55.000 They don't like Mao, but they know a lot about him, and they're fascinated by him.
00:28:59.000 You see him everywhere.
00:29:00.000 You go to a flea market, and he's on all the little teacups and stuff.
00:29:03.000 Taiwan is capitalist.
00:29:06.000 Chiang Kai-shek started it.
00:29:09.000 Chiang Kai-shek and Mao were allies, and Mao said, let's have a revolution.
00:29:13.000 Chiang Kai-shek, whom I have a tattoo of, said, yeah, let's do it.
00:29:18.000 And then Mao started saying, this is getting complicated.
00:29:21.000 Let's just start killing tons of people and employing some sort of fascist regime where I'm the boss.
00:29:28.000 And Chiang Kai-shek said, no.
00:29:30.000 So he went to Taiwan, where there were people there.
00:29:35.000 That's the thing people don't get about this, oh, you stole America from the natives.
00:29:39.000 Natives were everywhere.
00:29:41.000 Christopher Columbus never came to America.
00:29:44.000 He went and dealt with the natives of Puerto Rico and the Caribbean.
00:29:49.000 What are they called in Puerto Rico?
00:29:50.000 The Tainu or something?
00:29:53.000 Look that up, Dave.
00:29:56.000 In Japan, they were called the Ainu.
00:29:59.000 In Taiwan, they called them the Taiwanese.
00:30:02.000 And they don't seem that smart, to be honest.
00:30:07.000 What are they called?
00:30:07.000 The Taiko?
00:30:09.000 What's that word?
00:30:09.000 The Taino.
00:30:10.000 Taino.
00:30:11.000 Yeah, that's it.
00:30:12.000 Puerto Ricans have the Taino.
00:30:16.000 But Taiwan had the Taiwanese aboriginals.
00:30:19.000 And they are so hot.
00:30:21.000 It's insane.
00:30:23.000 Maybe it's my type.
00:30:24.000 You might see them in barf, but they're like brown Asians So they look like sort of like I don't know Mexican Chinese people Very dark, but Asian big full lips Wow real lookers.
00:30:38.000 I think there's like 37 of them left But their culture was was antiquated.
00:30:44.000 Sorry You know they had their word for cat is meow
00:30:50.000 Oh, that's nice.
00:30:51.000 What's your word for dog?
00:30:53.000 I'm guessing it's ruff ruff.
00:30:55.000 The Chinese have this bizarre thing with tones where, um...
00:31:00.000 Every word has four tones, so you say rice, rice, rice, rice.
00:31:07.000 And if you get the wrong tone, you mean something different about someone's mother.
00:31:11.000 The Taiwanese had eight tones.
00:31:14.000 Eight tones!
00:31:15.000 For every syllable!
00:31:17.000 That's not a learnable language.
00:31:18.000 That's not a language that can it.
00:31:20.000 It's stupid.
00:31:21.000 We're not doing that.
00:31:25.000 So Chiang Kai-shek went there, killed the Taiwanese, and started Taiwan.
00:31:30.000 And he created a capitalist China that, as far as I'm concerned, is in China.
00:31:36.000 I wrote letters from there.
00:31:37.000 The return address said ROC at the bottom, Republic of China.
00:31:43.000 But he created a capitalist society.
00:31:48.000 And it worked.
00:31:49.000 Still, it's like a Canadian economy right now.
00:31:51.000 Your rent is basically in Taipei is what it would be in Toronto.
00:31:57.000 But when I was there, I realized
00:32:02.000 We are just incompatible in many ways.
00:32:05.000 I remember I knew a guy who was dating a Hungarian and he said, he was living there at the time, and he said, you meet someone from another country and you go, oh, we're just the same, but different, different language.
00:32:17.000 And you know, you're Catholic, I'm Protestant, but we're basically the same.
00:32:21.000 And then he goes, there's two weeks in the relationship and you go, you have different tastes in music.
00:32:25.000 I think that music is a cacophony.
00:32:27.000 And then he goes a month into the relationship, you go,
00:32:30.000 We are intrinsically different to our core.
00:32:35.000 I have nothing in common with you.
00:32:40.000 Yeah, so sorry.
00:32:41.000 I'm the tangent king.
00:32:43.000 And this, by the way, is a Scottish thing.
00:32:44.000 It might come from booze, but you go off on a million things.
00:32:48.000 And I was talking about Mao and how Mao and Chiang Kai-shek split because Mao wanted to impose communism.
00:32:56.000 And, uh,
00:32:58.000 I think that's a tendency with all people of power.
00:33:06.000 And that's why we like Trump.
00:33:08.000 I'm giving up on my tangents, by the way, and starting a whole new thing.
00:33:12.000 Because he doesn't seem like power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
00:33:18.000 Now at this point, I assume you're thinking,
00:33:22.000 Why am I listening to this?
00:33:23.000 This person is an alcoholic.
00:33:25.000 He's clearly drunk and he has no idea what he's talking about.
00:33:29.000 He's likely forgotten why he brought up Mao and Chiang Kai-shek and Taiwan and China.
00:33:37.000 He probably doesn't even remember what his original point was.
00:33:40.000 Well, guess what?
00:33:42.000 I am like Jackie Chan in that movie where he was doing drunken kung fu, which was a real thing because the Shaolin monks were being attacked.
00:33:51.000 And though they were vegetarian pacifists, they needed warriors.
00:33:57.000 So they said, you guys are allowed to eat meat and get up to shenanigans sexually with the ladies and drink.
00:34:05.000 And this became a problem for them because they would fight drunk, so they invented drunken kung fu.
00:34:11.000 All real stuff.
00:34:14.000 You gotta see Jet Li's old movies where he played the real martial arts wizard, Wong Fei Hung, who, uh...
00:34:25.000 Was one of these guys, I believe.
00:34:28.000 Anyway, I'm committing the act of drunken kung fu right now, because although I've had a few beers, I know exactly what I'm talking about.
00:34:37.000 And what I'm talking about goes back to Mao.
00:34:40.000 And what I'm talking about goes back to the left.
00:34:42.000 And what I'm talking about goes back to this concept where
00:34:47.000 I have theories.
00:34:48.000 The Right has theories.
00:34:50.000 The Right says there's things they like.
00:34:53.000 I don't think women should vote, for example.
00:34:56.000 I want them to vote, but I don't think they're very good at it.
00:35:00.000 And the whole reason, probably 20 minutes ago now, I brought up Mao, was to say he decided he didn't like flies.
00:35:13.000 And he hired a committee of men to fight flies.
00:35:21.000 You're not mishearing me.
00:35:23.000 Flies.
00:35:24.000 Those black little round things with wings?
00:35:28.000 Flies.
00:35:29.000 House flies.
00:35:30.000 Bot flies.
00:35:31.000 No, not bot flies.
00:35:32.000 Bottle flies.
00:35:33.000 The blue ones.
00:35:33.000 Whatever.
00:35:34.000 The flies like when a dog poo-poos on the street, the flies around it.
00:35:38.000 He didn't like those, so he wanted to get rid of them.
00:35:42.000 And so he hired people, he gave them fly swatters and their job was to get rid of all flies in the country.
00:35:49.000 Not like get rid of feces or have a more, you know, uh, uh, sanitized, uh, sewage system.
00:35:57.000 Not to get better at garbage collection, not to do the, not to get to the root cause of the problem.
00:36:02.000 Just hit flies.
00:36:04.000 There we go.
00:36:05.000 Hit them.
00:36:08.000 By the way, when you hit a pile of flies and you have a big mash of dead flies, you know what that attracts?
00:36:13.000 Flies.
00:36:15.000 You get maggots, and they create more flies.
00:36:19.000 So it's a dumb thing to do.
00:36:22.000 But Mao did it.
00:36:23.000 That was his plan.
00:36:23.000 I remember hearing, too, about Mao, where he didn't like a certain bird.
00:36:26.000 I forget what the bird was.
00:36:28.000 Maybe you can look this up, Dave.
00:36:30.000 And this person's job was to stand on rooftops, crawl up trees, and just go clang, clang, clang, clang, clang, clang, and clang pots and pans together so the bird could never land.
00:36:46.000 Well, here we go.
00:36:47.000 Good work, Dave.
00:36:47.000 That was nice and fast.
00:36:49.000 The Four Pests Campaign, it was called.
00:36:52.000 The Great Sparrow Campaign, also known as the Kill a Sparrow Campaign.
00:36:56.000 Can you bring that back up, Dave?
00:37:00.000 Uh, was one of the first actions, uh, taking the great leap forward in China from 1958 to 1962 that killed God knows how many human beings.
00:37:11.000 Uh, the four pests to be eliminated were rats, flies, mosquitoes, and sparrows.
00:37:17.000 And so the flies got fly swatters and the sparrows got banged with pots and pans until they died of exhaustion in the air.
00:37:25.000 The four pests!
00:37:26.000 So, yes, I'm tying it all back together to the four pests and I'm saying the difference between the right and the left is I have my idea of good and wrong, but I'm not going to enforce it on you.
00:37:37.000 The left is the four pests and they have decided they're going to get rid of
00:37:43.000 What are their four pests?
00:37:45.000 Racism, sexism, homophobia, and the fourth one kind of vacillates.
00:37:52.000 Sometimes it's like ableism, sometimes it's ageism.
00:37:56.000 Anyway, they have their pests, and instead of letting nature figure it out, they go, no, I'm gonna handle this.
00:38:03.000 We're going to clang these pans until the sparrows go away.
00:38:08.000 Because we hate flies.
00:38:12.000 Which brings me to a totally unrelated point.
00:38:16.000 And that is... I think you hate fries.
00:38:21.000 Yeah, you heard me.
00:38:24.000 I'm done with my point about the left and the right.
00:38:26.000 My whole intro is over now.
00:38:28.000 This is a new segment of the show.
00:38:29.000 If there's a commercial break, we'd have a commercial break now.
00:38:32.000 But I don't think you like your fries.
00:38:36.000 Now I am an Irish, Scotch-Irish, married to an American Indian.
00:38:41.000 Columbus went to the Caribbean.
00:38:43.000 He brought back potatoes.
00:38:45.000 The potatoes dominated Europe.
00:38:48.000 The Dutch came up with French fries.
00:38:52.000 That led to Britain really running with them and making them into a work of art.
00:38:59.000 When you get
00:39:01.000 A packet of scrapes in Glasgow, by the way.
00:39:04.000 So you get some chips in Glasgow when you're at the end of a night, when you've had a few pints and you're like, I need something to soak up this booze.
00:39:11.000 They have Makers Mark, by the way, in Britain now, which is not good because it's drinking culture with my favorite drink.
00:39:18.000 So it's cheaper, actually.
00:39:20.000 Makers Mark is cheaper in London than it is in New York.
00:39:24.000 It's Bourbon's hot there now.
00:39:26.000 So anyway, you drink the bourbon, you drink the beer, and you go, I don't want to wet the bed.
00:39:29.000 My wife will never sleep with me for... I was gonna say never again.
00:39:32.000 Not for another week.
00:39:34.000 Maybe two weeks.
00:39:35.000 So you go, I need something to absorb the booze.
00:39:38.000 And you get these bloody chips, by the way.
00:39:40.000 You get these chips, and they're big.
00:39:43.000 They're like the size of your thumb.
00:39:45.000 Each one is the size of your thumb.
00:39:47.000 And it's on bloody newspaper.
00:39:50.000 And the newspaper's drenched with grease.
00:39:52.000 And then you take the bloody malt vinegar, by the way.
00:39:56.000 And you drench the greasy chips in the malt vinegar.
00:39:59.000 They're white, they're blanched.
00:40:01.000 And then you give the salt shaker in big chunks of salt.
00:40:06.000 It's stuck to each chip.
00:40:08.000 And it is, I mean, it's hard to convey.
00:40:12.000 I guess lust would be the easiest analogy for you to understand.
00:40:17.000 Like, I guess if you're into chubby supermodels, one wearing lingerie lying in your bed right now, if you're a single person, that would be
00:40:24.000 Kind of what I'm talking about, kind of, but I'm not really talking about that.
00:40:27.000 I'm talking about the way you see a beautiful woman on a painting at the Met.
00:40:33.000 So it's not like you want to jump in the Met and start going, French kissing her.
00:40:38.000 You see a beautiful woman in a painting and you go, what beauty women are.
00:40:43.000 And what a talent this man had to portray her as such.
00:40:47.000 You're just sort of taking in the art.
00:40:50.000 You're not an animal at the time.
00:40:52.000 And that's how I feel about these fries.
00:40:53.000 I mean, each fry you have in Glasgow, in Britain, is a true fry.
00:41:00.000 And I was eating fries at Shake Shack at Grand Central the other day.
00:41:05.000 I miss my train, as I'm wont to do.
00:41:07.000 I'm having a delicious burger and there's no arguing that Americans are the kings of burgers and I don't think there's any arguing that burger is the greatest food on earth.
00:41:16.000 I did a video about this.
00:41:17.000 It's inarguable.
00:41:18.000 It's a perfect amount of protein.
00:41:20.000 Shake Shack has developed a magical sauce that should be in the history books.
00:41:27.000 And if you get the double there, you've got all these crunchy parts.
00:41:32.000 And the bun and the little thingamajig and the little wrapper.
00:41:35.000 It's amazing.
00:41:36.000 And then you go, all right, I'm done that.
00:41:38.000 And then you have these disgusting, dried, corrugated fries that look like an old screw.
00:41:47.000 And you think I'm just gonna eat these I don't know cuz I'm bored cuz they're kind of salty and I want some Maybe I'll develop a thirst.
00:41:55.000 It'll make me enjoy my beer more.
00:41:57.000 It's almost like alcoholics I think that's why alcoholics like salt and vinegar chips, so I'm gonna eat these What are they even called those stupid fries where they zigzag?
00:42:06.000 I even forget the name Articulated what are those fries called Dave?
00:42:13.000 I know what you're talking about.
00:42:14.000 I can't remember.
00:42:15.000 Look it up, then.
00:42:16.000 Don't tell me.
00:42:19.000 This is my top researcher.
00:42:21.000 I ask him and he goes, yeah, man, I wish I knew what those were too, dude.
00:42:24.000 I thought that you were asking me as if I knew right now.
00:42:28.000 Yeah, I am.
00:42:29.000 I was about to look it up.
00:42:31.000 But it's also your job.
00:42:35.000 Yeah, I don't know.
00:42:35.000 I'd have to look it up.
00:42:37.000 I know you'll have to look it up, that's why you get a paycheck to look it up.
00:42:43.000 Crinkle fries.
00:42:44.000 Yeah, crinkle fries.
00:42:46.000 And I'm eating these crinkle fries, and I feel a kinship with my fellow man, so I don't feel like I have these things that I like that you don't like.
00:42:54.000 I mean, it's different with gays, but for the most part, when I have a desire, I think you do, too.
00:42:59.000 Sure, there's subjective things like music and art, but chips?
00:43:03.000 Fries?
00:43:04.000 Potatoes?
00:43:05.000 No, we're on the same page.
00:43:07.000 And this is my new theory I wanted to bring up on this show today.
00:43:12.000 I don't think you like those fries.
00:43:15.000 I think you eat those gross, plastic, overcooked pieces of transmogrified potato mush
00:43:23.000 Just because it's there.
00:43:24.000 And you go... I think if you would eat the newspaper chips of Glasgow, drenched in salt and malt vinegar, you would go, I'm enjoying a meal right now.
00:43:37.000 This is a delicious thing to have in my body.
00:43:40.000 I feel better for it.
00:43:41.000 I can drink 10 times what I would normally drink because you just put all this starch in me.
00:43:47.000 With the crinkle fries,
00:43:50.000 We're really let's let's be honest with ourselves guys.
00:43:53.000 We're going through the motions.
00:43:55.000 We're just going You throw half of them in the garbage, and it feels like nothing It's like how I would feel if my dog was hit by a car and my kids had already gone to college I would just be watching a stuffed animal get hit by a car, and that's how we not only feel about Shake Shack's fries.
00:44:14.000 That's how we feel about all frozen fries on Earth
00:44:20.000 Which, by the way, is my fault as a Scotch Canadian.
00:44:23.000 That's McCain.
00:44:24.000 McCain invented the frozen fry.
00:44:26.000 And the frozen fry has infected all of Britain.
00:44:28.000 It's a major problem over there.
00:44:31.000 And I think we need to look in the mirror after we're done our burger and say, do I want these?
00:44:37.000 Like today, I got a couple hot dogs.
00:44:40.000 And they go, you want fries with that?
00:44:41.000 And I thought, yes, but you don't sell fries.
00:44:45.000 You sell transmogrified potatoes.
00:44:48.000 And I don't want those things.
00:44:50.000 I don't want that mushy starch, that hay in my face.
00:44:54.000 It's like those snacks hickory sticks.
00:44:57.000 You just have overcooked, starchy little brutally beaten potatoes.
00:45:04.000 I don't want those and I didn't have them.
00:45:06.000 And when I do have them, I feel like I'm just going through the motions.
00:45:10.000 It doesn't feel real.
00:45:13.000 So that's something I wanted to bring up on the show today besides you know sometimes I have a profound message about the left and the right and how they want to enforce their dogma and we have the same dogma obviously I hate flip-flops I'd love there to be no flip-flops in the world but because I'm sick of looking at
00:45:31.000 F-ing toes every day, especially in New York.
00:45:35.000 There's rats and syringes everywhere.
00:45:36.000 Why do you have your wet, dirty, black toes on everything?
00:45:41.000 The bottom of your feet are disgusting!
00:45:45.000 But I don't want to enforce it.
00:45:48.000 That's a profound point to make in a podcast.
00:45:50.000 A silly point, but I also feel strongly about, is you don't like fries.
00:45:55.000 And here's another silly point that I want to make on today's show.
00:45:59.000 If Donald Trump had real, true, crazy balls, which is what we elected him for, he would have Green Day.
00:46:08.000 No, I do not mean Billy Joe Armstrong.
00:46:11.000 I don't mean he would have a punk band play The White House, which reminded me of... How about Eminem going, You don't have the balls to step to me!
00:46:25.000 I mean, I've mentioned this on my show, but what the hell are you talking about?
00:46:30.000 Do you want Donald Trump to fight you?
00:46:32.000 Do you want Donald Trump to start working out, I guess, practicing, so he's not paying attention to, you know, the Iran deal, Israel, he's not paying attention to the Dow, or jobs, or the wall, or Mexico, or foreign policy, or these stupid... Some chick who looks, dresses like John Benet Ramsey in a cowboy hat, isn't happy with the
00:46:51.000 The call he made to a, what are they called, a golden family?
00:46:55.000 60,000 people died in the Vietnam War.
00:47:01.000 Did those presidents, did Kennedy and Nixon call anyone?
00:47:05.000 I mean, I'm sorry you didn't like the phone call.
00:47:08.000 I saw a recording of a phone call.
00:47:09.000 He seemed pretty noble.
00:47:11.000 Can you find that, Dave?
00:47:12.000 He called some gold star family.
00:47:16.000 Seemed pretty awesome, but yeah, let's have a girl dressed as a girl.
00:47:21.000 Let's have an old black woman dressed as a four-year-old with a rhinestone cowboy hat tell us that he doesn't do enough calls or they're not good enough.
00:47:34.000 So that doesn't bother me at all.
00:47:37.000 I have my beefs with Trump.
00:47:38.000 I'm saving them.
00:47:40.000 But how about this for an idea?
00:47:43.000 Oh yeah, sorry, Eminem.
00:47:44.000 Eminem goes, you don't have the balls to step to me.
00:47:48.000 Is he supposed to stop his job so he can fight Eminem?
00:47:53.000 Physically fight Eminem?
00:47:54.000 Is that what you want?
00:47:55.000 I get that, by the way, personally.
00:47:57.000 Guys say to me, I want to fight Gavin McInnes.
00:48:02.000 You name the time, you name the place.
00:48:04.000 We'll donate the money to charity.
00:48:08.000 A. Get in line.
00:48:10.000 B.
00:48:11.000 Why?
00:48:11.000 C. I think you're misunderstanding my role in society.
00:48:15.000 I'm not in the MMA.
00:48:16.000 Are you thinking of Conor McGregor?
00:48:18.000 Conor McGregor has obviously a real waiting list of people that want to fight him and they have to earn that.
00:48:25.000 D. Do you think if you beat me up, if you win this fight, then my ideas are gone?
00:48:30.000 Like, why do we, why do you get to fight me?
00:48:35.000 That's not a thing, dummy.
00:48:40.000 So anyway, Eminem says, you don't have the balls to stand up to me.
00:48:42.000 I assume he doesn't mean a physical fight.
00:48:45.000 I assume that, uh, uh, we're not expected to fight.
00:48:52.000 Every president is expected to fight everybody he dislikes.
00:48:54.000 So that leaves a rap duel.
00:48:58.000 Trump has to rap with Eminem.
00:49:01.000 Look, I like Trump.
00:49:03.000 Uh, I know he's fallible.
00:49:05.000 I don't think he's a very good rapper.
00:49:06.000 I would guess, I've seen him dancing, he seems a little awkward.
00:49:09.000 I would guess he's not good at rapping.
00:49:12.000 And I think Eminem, I don't like him.
00:49:15.000 I'm not a fan of, uh, I like some of his songs.
00:49:17.000 I like singing Stan at karaoke nights.
00:49:20.000 It's very hard.
00:49:21.000 He's a very talented rapper.
00:49:23.000 Very good at his job.
00:49:24.000 It's tricky rapping, as you learn when you try to karaoke.
00:49:29.000 So I don't want my president to be a good rapper.
00:49:32.000 That's not a thing I want.
00:49:33.000 So what does he mean?
00:49:34.000 Does he mean Trump doesn't send him a mean tweet?
00:49:38.000 Okay, I think that's true.
00:49:39.000 I don't think Trump has sent Eminem a mean tweet.
00:49:42.000 But uh, so what?
00:49:45.000 So what?
00:49:48.000 That's the balls to step to me.
00:49:50.000 Meanwhile, Eminem is like my age.
00:49:52.000 He's probably 40.
00:49:56.000 So that was stupid.
00:49:59.000 But, um, what I was trying to focus on here is my new idea, and I would love Trump to do this, and this is super gay, by the way.
00:50:09.000 And before I get to what I'm trying to say on my 37th tangent, I'd like to focus on the word gay for a second.
00:50:15.000 When we say something's gay, we are doing a parody of the word gay.
00:50:22.000 So if I say to my wife, who I know better than anyone on Earth, if she said, hey, someone wants to go sailing on Friday.
00:50:31.000 Do you want to meet them?
00:50:32.000 Do you want to go on their boat, bring the kids?
00:50:34.000 And I go, no, that sounds super gay.
00:50:37.000 She knows I don't think that sailboats make love to other sailboats in a non-vaginal penis way.
00:50:45.000 They put their sailboat dinks in a sailboat's bum.
00:50:49.000 She also knows I don't dislike homosexuals and I think that all things that remotely are related to them are bad and I hate gays and I want to be a gay and if I get on a sailboat I'll become a homosexual.
00:51:02.000 Obviously she's aware
00:51:04.000 That I'm doing a jokey thing.
00:51:06.000 And she knows that what I'm saying is, I don't want to go, and I'm using a fun way to say that by saying, I'm going to use the same vernacular you and I both used when we were seven years old.
00:51:18.000 So in that sense, it's a parody of the way you used to speak.
00:51:25.000 And in that sense, it's pro-gay.
00:51:27.000 Because you're going, only a dumb seven-year-old would say something bad is gay.
00:51:32.000 And it goes back to the left being willfully ignorant of jokes and pretending they don't get jokes on purpose.
00:51:40.000 Because they are desperate for villains, so they're going to just have to get their numbers up and say, uh, Gavin was serious when he said sailing is gay.
00:51:49.000 He hates gays.
00:51:51.000 It's like Owen Benjamin.
00:51:53.000 He was talking about slavery and he takes a break from the subject and goes, it would be kind of cool to have a slave though, right?
00:51:59.000 Like, just go get me that.
00:52:00.000 And by the way, everyone rich and famous in LA has an assistant.
00:52:03.000 They have a slave.
00:52:06.000 So, which I've always had a problem with, by the way.
00:52:08.000 I remember my agent at CAA was Greg Kavik, and he had his assistant's email was always Greg Kavik's assistant.
00:52:16.000 That's normal in LA.
00:52:16.000 And it was always a man.
00:52:18.000 And I thought, how can you be a man and be a man's assistant?
00:52:23.000 It just seems wrong.
00:52:24.000 How do you sleep at night?
00:52:26.000 Anyway, there's a backlash against Owen Benjamin where they go, you don't know why people are mad at you?
00:52:31.000 He's a liberal, Owen Benjamin.
00:52:33.000 He's on Crowder's show all the time.
00:52:35.000 And someone goes, they're mad at you because you said you wanted a slave.
00:52:43.000 How do you- you know Owen was kidding.
00:52:45.000 He clearly wants a slave.
00:52:47.000 He wants a man in shackles and chains that he can whip in his house.
00:52:50.000 Is that what he wants?
00:52:51.000 Do you believe that?
00:52:52.000 It's like with Milo.
00:52:54.000 He had a bunch of racist, anti-semitic passwords for his email.
00:52:58.000 And they buzzfeed combed through 3,000 of his emails and found stuff they didn't like and...
00:53:04.000 They found a video where he was doing karaoke and someone zeeked out and they go, See?
00:53:08.000 This is pretty bad for him.
00:53:09.000 And I go, to that person I go, or those people I should say, I go, So let me get this straight.
00:53:14.000 So Milo is a Nazi?
00:53:18.000 That's what you honestly believe?
00:53:19.000 Because, and you can tell they don't believe that.
00:53:22.000 He's married to a black man.
00:53:23.000 They don't believe that, but what they mean is he made a transgression.
00:53:27.000 Okay.
00:53:28.000 So the guy who made a transgression isn't that thing.
00:53:32.000 Then who cares?
00:53:35.000 It's like if a black man was to use the word coon in a derogatory sense and you get a recording of that.
00:53:42.000 What do you do with that?
00:53:43.000 What's it proof of?
00:53:44.000 He's a black dude.
00:53:45.000 He clearly doesn't like, he doesn't dislike black dudes.
00:53:50.000 So when I say something's gay, I obviously don't mean it's gay.
00:53:55.000 All right, so you're saying, what is Gavin talking about?
00:53:59.000 Does he even remember what he's talking about?
00:54:02.000 Yes, I do.
00:54:03.000 I always do.
00:54:04.000 Remember I mentioned Green Day?
00:54:06.000 So this is my concept.
00:54:09.000 I want the president to institute different days based on colors.
00:54:18.000 I know it sounds remarkably gay.
00:54:20.000 So, like, today is Green Day.
00:54:24.000 And not, don't get into fuchsia and other dumb colors, like, what are the basic colors that all normal people recognize?
00:54:31.000 Red, orange, blue, green, yellow, uh, is that it?
00:54:38.000 Purple?
00:54:39.000 There's like six colors, right?
00:54:42.000 Did I say red?
00:54:43.000 Dave, look up how many colors there are without dumb colors.
00:54:46.000 You mean like primary colors?
00:54:48.000 No, isn't there only three or four of those?
00:54:51.000 Purple's not a primary color.
00:54:53.000 Yeah, uh... God, you young people.
00:54:55.000 I got these.
00:54:56.000 How about these?
00:54:56.000 You don't know any.
00:54:57.000 That's a pretty good list.
00:54:58.000 So there's red, yellow.
00:55:00.000 I'm not doing... Yeah, we can do white.
00:55:02.000 White actually fits this.
00:55:04.000 White and black fit this thing I'm about to introduce to you.
00:55:07.000 You could replace white or black with magenta.
00:55:09.000 I'm sorry, magenta with black.
00:55:11.000 I'm going to make magenta pink.
00:55:12.000 So there's red, yellow, white, black, magenta, blue, green.
00:55:20.000 There are seven colors in the world.
00:55:23.000 Did I mention purple?
00:55:25.000 Go back to that thing you showed.
00:55:26.000 No, purple is one.
00:55:28.000 There are eight colors in the world, okay?
00:55:31.000 So there's 12 months.
00:55:32.000 We're gonna just have to scatter these throughout the year.
00:55:36.000 But what about this fun idea?
00:55:37.000 The president institutes, starting today, eight days of the year are a color.
00:55:46.000 And there's, say, Purple Day on October 13th.
00:55:49.000 October 25th.
00:55:51.000 We still have time for Purple Day, right?
00:55:53.000 What is it now?
00:55:54.000 By the way, purple is the color of sexual frustration.
00:55:56.000 So if you're a woman and you're obsessed with purple, you're very lonely.
00:56:00.000 And that's coming up in five days.
00:56:03.000 Now, you obviously don't have to participate.
00:56:04.000 There's nothing mandatory here.
00:56:06.000 But, hey, it's Purple Day!
00:56:07.000 Now, you know we have all days.
00:56:10.000 There's Secretary Day, there's Hairdo Day, there's Hairdresser Day, there's Carpet Day, there's probably... Today is probably three days.
00:56:16.000 Actually, Dave, look that up.
00:56:17.000 I bet today is three different things.
00:56:20.000 So why not add to one of them, and this is Purple Day, and you wear purple to work.
00:56:27.000 You wear purple to school.
00:56:29.000 You don't have to participate if you don't want to.
00:56:31.000 I'm not saying it has to be parades and stuff.
00:56:34.000 It's just a thing.
00:56:36.000 And I think that would be remarkably fun.
00:56:38.000 So what is it today?
00:56:39.000 It's today is, uh, wait, is that Saturday?
00:56:45.000 Dave?
00:56:45.000 Today is Sloth Day.
00:56:47.000 It's Miss American Rose Day.
00:56:49.000 It's National Branded Fruit Day.
00:56:50.000 So why not just add colors to those?
00:57:05.000 And I know this sounds irrelevant and stupid, but I think it would be a fun way of Trump to say, I'm fun.
00:57:12.000 Isn't there a president in Turkey or somewhere, right where Europe starts to get gross and Muslim, where he changed the calendar to have every month reflect his name, and every day to reflect his name?
00:57:27.000 That's a bit much.
00:57:29.000 But I want Trump to be more of a dumb idiot.
00:57:34.000 And do stupid stuff.
00:57:36.000 Like add colors to the days.
00:57:39.000 That you don't have to follow if you don't want to.
00:57:41.000 But it would just be a fun thing to do.
00:57:44.000 Uh oh, my phone is telling me that someone's been kidnapped.
00:57:49.000 That's none of my business.
00:57:52.000 Alright, we're running out of time here.
00:57:53.000 There's some things I didn't even close to get to.
00:57:56.000 Milo, Geller, Dana Lash, we got all that.
00:58:00.000 Chinese man who sued his girlfriend for being ugly.
00:58:02.000 I don't want to talk about that.
00:58:04.000 I think we should wrap it up here.
00:58:06.000 We've got Richard Spencer caused 600k.
00:58:11.000 The whole state went into a state of emergency.
00:58:12.000 I talked about that on the show.
00:58:14.000 Next week is gonna be... We got Milo next week.
00:58:17.000 We have Dana Lash.
00:58:19.000 We had Pamela Geller yesterday.
00:58:22.000 I'm getting great guests.
00:58:24.000 The CRTV is really working out.
00:58:27.000 I've noticed my wife has more playdates and stuff.
00:58:31.000 I don't know.
00:58:31.000 It's sort of like being a contributor at Fox.
00:58:35.000 I feel validated recently.
00:58:36.000 I have no disrespect to Compound Media or my previous jobs or Rebel.
00:58:41.000 But something about going mainstream, I don't know, people go, oh, I guess he's not Richard Spencer.
00:58:47.000 I guess he's not some weird radical.
00:58:49.000 I guess someone likes him.
00:58:50.000 If he's getting a paycheck, he must have something right.
00:58:53.000 He can't really be a racist anti-Semite.
00:58:56.000 I'm going to bring my kids over.
00:58:58.000 But let's end this with tonight's game.
00:59:03.000 Yankees fans.
00:59:05.000 Now, I'm a Mets guy, and my thing is, my son, who got me into baseball, and he's only nine, he wants the Yankees to die in a fire.
00:59:17.000 He wants everyone to die.
00:59:18.000 He wants their mothers to get cancer.
00:59:21.000 He wants their part of the world to sink into the sea.
00:59:26.000 So if all Yankees fans and players lived in, say, the Bronx, he would want the Bronx to be above a sinkhole and for everyone to die.
00:59:35.000 I don't really understand that.
00:59:37.000 I'm a loyalist, and my attitude is I'm a New Yorker, I love New York, so I like the Mets.
00:59:44.000 My second favorite team is the Yankees.
00:59:48.000 I like the Yankees.
00:59:50.000 I know that they're better at baseball than me.
00:59:53.000 That doesn't bother me at all.
00:59:54.000 I've got money now, but I never, I didn't have money when I moved to New York, and I knew rich people, like David Cross, and it never bothered me that David had ten times the income I had.
01:00:06.000 I never thought about it at all.
01:00:07.000 We both drank shitty beer.
01:00:10.000 Who cares?
01:00:12.000 So I don't it doesn't bother me that the Yankees have some of the best pitchers in the league and and are good at their job But I talked to Yankees fans like Dave here, and he says um He goes I don't want the Mets to win anything.
01:00:28.000 I don't want them to die like your son does but he goes
01:00:32.000 If they're good, then New York, you know, the rest of the world goes, what's happening in New York?
01:00:37.000 Who's your top team?
01:00:38.000 And they go, it's these guys, the Mets, basically the Yankees wife.
01:00:44.000 And I understand that.
01:00:46.000 I understand that you don't want your wife to be good, but I don't see that as, you know what I see it as, Dave?
01:00:51.000 I think brother is better.
01:00:52.000 Yeah, brother.
01:00:53.000 Like, my little brother can beat my ass.
01:00:55.000 Yeah, exactly.
01:00:57.000 I beat him up his whole life, and then one day we were 16, and I had him in this hold.
01:01:02.000 No, he had me in a hold, I should say.
01:01:05.000 And that was normal.
01:01:07.000 He would try to get me in a hold up until that day.
01:01:10.000 And I would go, oh, you really want to play this, boy?
01:01:14.000 You think you can take me?
01:01:17.000 One, two, three.
01:01:18.000 And then I would get out of the hold and just pound him.
01:01:21.000 And this time he had his arm around my neck and I went, 1, 2, 3!
01:01:24.000 Get off me!
01:01:25.000 I can't breathe!
01:01:32.000 I can't breathe!
01:01:33.000 I can't breathe!
01:01:35.000 And we were both horrified by what had just happened and that was he had snatched the pebble from my hand.
01:01:42.000 I'm actually not ashamed of that.
01:01:44.000 I don't mind that.
01:01:46.000 So why do you mind if the Mets win?
01:01:49.000 It's just your little brother is better than you that year.
01:01:53.000 Maybe I'm just a lover, not a fighter, and I want everyone to get along.
01:01:58.000 I like the team closest to me.
01:02:00.000 I like the Yankees.
01:02:01.000 But I do understand at least the argument that you don't want your mom to be good or your wife to be better at something, which is why we all feel so uncomfortable when we see a mom taking her son to the baseball game.
01:02:15.000 Isn't that just weird?
01:02:18.000 You see they got the program and she's got her Mets hat.
01:02:22.000 Anthony was talking the other day about how much pink Mets gear is available.
01:02:27.000 It's like a woman's team.
01:02:29.000 But it is wrong.
01:02:30.000 And my wife loves baseball because she's an Indian and that's their thing.
01:02:33.000 I think it's because they have big hands.
01:02:35.000 So for them a softball feels like a golf ball.
01:02:38.000 And American Indians are all on softball teams and they're really good at it.
01:02:44.000 So she knows more about baseball than me.
01:02:46.000 And we both got into it when my son did a couple years ago.
01:02:50.000 But the idea of my wife taking my son to a game, it's like sitting in the passenger seat of a car.
01:02:55.000 It just feels wrong.
01:02:57.000 And I understand, um, you not wanting the Mets to win because you don't want your wife to be the one that people go to when they come to New York.
01:03:06.000 And that happened, by the way, with Kristen Wiig.
01:03:09.000 She moved to New York with her boyfriend, probably from Colorado or something, I don't know.
01:03:15.000 Probably from Chicago, right?
01:03:16.000 They probably did the improv, stupid improv thing.
01:03:18.000 Improv is so gay.
01:03:21.000 And, um, they said, let's get into comedy.
01:03:24.000 And her career just went, pachooom!
01:03:27.000 off into space and he did his shows and then he tried this and then he said I got a commercial I'm doing an ivory soap commercial where I'm a dumb white guy and they got divorced because that's inevitable if you move to a big city with your girlfriend and you both pursue the same thing and she kicks your ass that's like the Mets winning the World Series and you're done you're doomed and that happened to the wig family
01:03:55.000 And I don't know what he's doing now.
01:03:56.000 He's probably happily married.
01:03:57.000 He probably has kids.
01:03:58.000 But where's Kristen Wiig?
01:04:00.000 Childless and hilarious.
01:04:02.000 Stuck in showbiz.
01:04:04.000 In Loser Central.
01:04:06.000 Where these people fellate or blow or maybe just touch the testicles of Harvey Weinstein.
01:04:14.000 In exchange for what?
01:04:17.000 An acting career?
01:04:18.000 Where you sit quiet on the set and you look at your phone for 14 hours?
01:04:24.000 I mean, it's one of the most boring jobs available to man.
01:04:28.000 Yet these people flock to it for fame and fortune.
01:04:31.000 Fortune's boring.
01:04:34.000 What do you need?
01:04:35.000 You need a few beers, a nice sandwich, and a cot.
01:04:40.000 You don't need a mansion.
01:04:41.000 It's not like you enjoy the mansion.
01:04:42.000 I want my own swimming pool.
01:04:43.000 There's probably a local pool nearby.
01:04:46.000 Go swim there.
01:04:47.000 Who cares?
01:04:48.000 Well, I want fame.
01:04:50.000 Okay, I understand fame.
01:04:51.000 Because if you're an ugly man like Danny DeVito and you're famous, you'll probably get a hot chick.
01:04:55.000 Alright, that makes sense.
01:04:56.000 By the way, Danny DeVito, couldn't you just go to another country?
01:04:59.000 Go to Slovenia or Romania.
01:05:00.000 You'll get a hot chick.
01:05:03.000 But these famous people go, no, I want to do it here.
01:05:05.000 I want to get someone out of my league here, so I need to be famous for that.
01:05:08.000 I guess.
01:05:09.000 Okay, so you're looking for a particularly attractive mate.
01:05:12.000 If you're a photographer, by the way, you can get a particularly attractive mate because you work in fashion.
01:05:17.000 You could be a graphic designer and work in fashion.
01:05:20.000 I ran a magazine for a while.
01:05:21.000 I had my pick of the litter back then.
01:05:25.000 And then you look at Kristen Wiig and you go, well, you have your pick of the litter and you are single and alone.
01:05:35.000 And you were in a great relationship.
01:05:37.000 So why did you want to be famous so bad?
01:05:40.000 Because you wanted to do jokes?
01:05:42.000 I guess.
01:05:44.000 Why'd you let your marriage fall apart?
01:05:46.000 Why did Louis C.K.
01:05:47.000 let his marriage fall apart?
01:05:49.000 Why?
01:05:49.000 We need to realign our priorities as a society.
01:05:53.000 And that is why I do this show, Get Off My Lawn.
01:05:56.000 Because I think the top priority should be family.
01:06:02.000 Should be babies.
01:06:04.000 You know, I saw a video the other day of this woman and her baby had a hearing aid put in and her baby was hearing her voice for the first time and the baby had a face that was vacillating from intense ecstasy to crying because she was overwhelmed.
01:06:20.000 She was being emotional.
01:06:22.000 And the mom was saying that.
01:06:23.000 She goes, are you being emotional?
01:06:25.000 And I sent it to my friend Leslie Arfin, who's a writer in Hollywood.
01:06:28.000 She just did a show with Paul Rust, John Apatow Show on Netflix.
01:06:32.000 We have split dramatically, politically, over the years, obviously.
01:06:38.000 We, you know, she considered exing me as a friend, but we've known each other for decades and we're still close, despite it all.
01:06:45.000 That's kind of a New York thing.
01:06:47.000 And I sent her the video and she goes, this is all that matters.
01:06:52.000 And then she sent another text that said, I'm not kidding.
01:06:55.000 And I thought, that's just a silly text to receive, but it is amazingly profound.
01:07:01.000 Because it's so true.
01:07:04.000 That is all that matters.
01:07:06.000 The fact that you disagree with me on Trump, or immigration, or these things that don't affect our day-to-day lives.
01:07:13.000 Nothing affects your day-to-day life like a baby.
01:07:17.000 Nothing affects your day like seeing your kid kick a soccer ball.
01:07:23.000 My boy Johnny, the other day, I said, it's time to go.
01:07:26.000 And he goes, no, no, just one more time.
01:07:27.000 And I go, okay, okay, fine.
01:07:29.000 We'll play one more time.
01:07:30.000 Because he tries to score on me in a goal.
01:07:32.000 And he goes, okay, dad, two more, just two more, one more times.
01:07:37.000 If you don't have kids, you don't understand the ecstasy you feel when these little dummies try to trick you with retarded logic like that.
01:07:47.000 But it is an unquantifiable joy.
01:07:50.000 And it really is what matters.
01:07:52.000 It's why I'm here at CRTV.
01:07:54.000 It's why I get out of bed and I got enough money to do nothing.
01:07:59.000 I could just watch baseball all day in a house robe.
01:08:03.000 But I don't because I feel inclined to save humanity.
01:08:08.000 And the way you save humanity is with more humans.
01:08:12.000 Breed.
01:08:14.000 Stop masturbating.
01:08:16.000 Stop watching pornography.
01:08:19.000 Stop doing cocaine all night.
01:08:22.000 Stop playing video games for 5 hours a day.
01:08:26.000 Stop binge-watching garbage on Netflix.
01:08:30.000 If you're in a relationship, propose.
01:08:34.000 If you're not in one, get in one.
01:08:37.000 I understand that you don't want to marry your high school sweetheart.
01:08:40.000 I'm not asking you to do that.
01:08:42.000 But once you're here, once things are rolling, what do you want out of her?
01:08:47.000 I always say that to guys that have been with a girl for three years.
01:08:50.000 You're going to get her but with bigger tits?
01:08:53.000 What is this?
01:08:53.000 Some sort of a character in a video game you choose and you can enlarge different things?
01:08:57.000 Grow up!
01:08:59.000 She's the one for you.
01:09:01.000 You're the one for him.
01:09:02.000 Put a ring on it and breathe.
01:09:05.000 You've had the party chapter.
01:09:07.000 It went great.
01:09:08.000 That was a lot of fun.
01:09:09.000 Now we're turning the page.
01:09:11.000 We're going to the new chapter.
01:09:13.000 We're going to the baby chapter.
01:09:16.000 Smell their breath.
01:09:18.000 It smells like angels' farts.
01:09:22.000 Smell their hair.
01:09:23.000 When they fall asleep on you, and you sniff the top of their head, dude, it's opium.
01:09:29.000 You get high.
01:09:32.000 I want you to get high.
01:09:34.000 Get high on babies.
01:09:37.000 And if other people don't want you to do that, and they want you to come out and get wasted on cocaine all night, and you're 35, just say to them, thanks for coming by, but you need to get off my lawn.