Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - April 20, 2018


Get Off My Lawn Podcast #43 | Why does everything have to be so perfumed?

Topics
fake tits perfume taxi drivers in New Yorks City perfume perfume lies beep greeting women in the workplace
Hosted by
Gavin McInnes
Mentioned
Hunter S. Thompson Chuck Taylor Tony Stark Gavin Jaws Richard Dreyfuss George Costanza William Shatner Steven Crowder Brittany Venti Justin Theroux Anthony Cumia Rob Schneider Tom Shalhoub Jay Jones Billy Bragg Hulk Hogan Andy Dick Terry Gar Iron Man and 10 more
Get Off My Lawn #118 | Cirque Du Stormy Get Off My Lawn #119 | First Lady, First Mom

Episode Stats


Length

47 minutes

Words per minute

172.38

Word count

8,122

Sentence count

869

Harmful content

Misogyny

55

sentences flagged

Toxicity

263

sentences flagged

Hate speech

48

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

Melissa talks about fake tits, perfume, and farting in your face. Also, we talk about soy bacon and soy noodles and the weirdest things people do to their bodies. is a podcast by comedians from Los Angeles and New York who talk about random stuff and try to make sense out of it. Please don t listen to this if you don t want to be offended by the things they talk about, and please don't listen if you're not into farting or farting at all. This episode was produced by Riley Bray and edited by Annie-Rose Strasser. Additional production by Alex Blumberg and Ben Koppel. Music by Jeff Kaale and Mark Phillips. Special thanks to our sponsor, Caff Monster Energy Drink, and to our patron Sarah Silverman. Our theme song is Come Alone by The Weakerthans, courtesy of Lotuspool Records, and our ad music is by Suneaters, and the album art is by Haley Shaw. The album art for this episode was done by Dee McDonnell. Thank you so much to our sponsors, and we hope you enjoy this episode and the music used in this episode, and all the others we've gotten in touch with us in the past week. We'd like to thank you for all the support we've received so far and we'll see you in the future with our sponsorships and shout-outs! and we're looking forward to seeing you in 2020. Thank you for the next episode of Thank You! Love ya, bye! xoxo, bye, bye Bye Bye Bye bye, Bye Bye, Bye, bye bye, Love, Byebye, bye. - Caitie and Jody and Goodbye, EJ & Gabbie - EJ and JB. -- -- - - -- -- - - Sarah, Caitie & JB - Ollie - Rachael and JUICY & JUICE - Margo and Jadyn . - SWELL Donell & JACOB & JOSY & GABBY ( ) Thank You, JACO & JOSH & JORDY & RYAN AND KELLY & KAYLEY & KEVIN xOXO XOXO, SONGS and JOSIE ,

Transcript

Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 Why does everything have to be so perfumed?
00:00:04.000 Whose idea was this?
00:00:05.000 This is another thing where no one was asked.
00:00:08.000 They just started doing it. 0.99
00:00:09.000 It's like fake tits. 1.00
00:00:11.000 No one asked me. 0.99
00:00:12.000 I don't want those.
00:00:15.000 I don't think men were consulted.
00:00:17.000 I think women went, oh, it's drooping. 1.00
00:00:20.000 Oh, it looks like a grapefruit in a gym sock.
00:00:23.000 I gotta make it look like a weird bowling ball tumor.
00:00:28.000 And so they got them and I actually did meet a guy who likes them and I felt like I said, dude, you should be in a museum.
00:00:34.000 I want to, I want to put you on a, uh, in a little glass booth and people can ask you questions.
00:00:40.000 You're feeling something that's man-made.
00:00:44.000 So my dad could have them.
00:00:45.000 That tit you're feeling right now?
00:00:48.000 That's my dad's chest. 0.96
00:00:50.000 He shaved it, he stretched the skin, and now he has a fake tit. 1.00
00:00:53.000 Now, if you've had a mastectomy or something, I'm sorry to shit on your tits. 1.00
00:00:59.000 But, uh, that's, obviously, you're fine. 1.00
00:01:03.000 You're good. 0.98
00:01:06.000 Melissa, if you're listening to this, I know you're missing a nipple. 0.99
00:01:09.000 I think you should get one tattooed on. 0.99
00:01:11.000 You have to concede that your fake tit isn't as nice as your real tit. 0.99
00:01:16.000 It's not gross. 0.99
00:01:17.000 It's not like guys go, ew, whatever.
00:01:20.000 Men are very open.
00:01:22.000 In fact, the fattest cow, that one who looks like Grimace at Walmart, she has four kids. 0.96
00:01:28.000 There's a dude who's like, whatever, I'll just do it from the back.
00:01:32.000 So we're not very strict.
00:01:34.000 But if you want to get down to it, we're not fans of those.
00:01:40.000 I don't think that they're made for men even.
00:01:45.000 Like every time you see any kind of plastic surgery too, you always see the husband, this is on reality shows or whatever, the husband goes, whatever makes her happy.
00:01:51.000 I told her not to bother.
00:01:53.000 I mean, I'm worried about the operation, but whatever makes her happy.
00:01:56.000 They all sound like JD on Stern.
00:01:58.000 Whatever makes her happy.
00:02:01.000 I don't care.
00:02:04.000 But yeah, perfume is a violation. 1.00
00:02:09.000 I was on a plane once and there was an old lady in front of me with perfume and I'm sitting there going, how is this different than a fart? 1.00
00:02:16.000 She's invading my face. 0.90
00:02:18.000 When you fart on someone, right? 0.93
00:02:22.000 You're pooing in their head.
00:02:24.000 There's tiny particles of feces going into the sinuses, into the lungs. 1.00
00:02:28.000 You're taking a crap. 1.00
00:02:30.000 You're literally shitting in me. 1.00
00:02:34.000 And Jay Johnson once beat me up for farting in his face. 0.99
00:02:37.000 That's the tall guy from Mr. Show and the Sarah Silverman Show.
00:02:40.000 Then he reeked up my house with his feet once without wearing shoes.
00:02:44.000 I go, Jay, how is this different from me farting on you?
00:02:48.000 The rotten particles of skin on your feet that have been festering in your shoe and growing God knows what kind of bacteria.
00:02:55.000 If you had a microscope, it probably looks like the Star Wars bar down there.
00:03:00.000 And then those particles float through the air and go in my body. 1.00
00:03:03.000 Your rotting feet, your rotting skin, your rotting Star Wars barbacteria is in my fucking lungs, you pig! 1.00
00:03:13.000 He didn't even see, he was like, whatever, I'll wash my shoes, relax. 1.00
00:03:16.000 Yeah, but I don't get to beat you up because you're a legal giant, as Andy Dick once called him.
00:03:25.000 So,
00:03:28.000 The perfume on that woman, that perfume, I also hate being lied to.
00:03:32.000 That's why I gave up being a vegetarian after 15 years.
00:03:35.000 Because I was sitting there having my soy bacon and my no-foo and my, no, tofu.
00:03:42.000 You know what meat is?
00:03:43.000 Meat is no-foo.
00:03:45.000 It's not tofu.
00:03:47.000 It's for meat eaters.
00:03:48.000 I'll have my nofoo well done, please.
00:03:53.000 I'm funny.
00:03:56.000 No, I'd have my like, what's it called?
00:03:59.000 Nofurky or whatever.
00:04:01.000 My various puns they do for their meats.
00:04:05.000 And it's just soy, right?
00:04:07.000 With like wood chips or whatever.
00:04:08.000 No, it's not wood chips.
00:04:10.000 That's dog food.
00:04:10.000 But it's soy.
00:04:12.000 And it's then bacon spray from a chemist.
00:04:18.000 So I'm being duped into having fake bacon.
00:04:20.000 And I go, wait a minute.
00:04:21.000 That's what dog food is.
00:04:23.000 When they say it's like smoked hickory bacon dog food.
00:04:26.000 It's just sawdust, soy, and then the flavoring.
00:04:31.000 And I go, I'm a dog now.
00:04:32.000 I'm being duped.
00:04:33.000 And with any kind of perfume, I don't want you lying to me.
00:04:37.000 Like, what am I supposed to think?
00:04:38.000 This old lady was rolling around in a flower bed for hours? 1.00
00:04:42.000 She reeked up the whole fucking plane. 1.00
00:04:44.000 I'm still mad at her. 1.00
00:04:45.000 I had to put my shirt over my face.
00:04:49.000 Which you often do and have to do in New York, by the way.
00:04:51.000 Having a mustache in New York City is a blessing.
00:04:54.000 All I have to do is turn my top lip up. 0.93
00:04:57.000 And now, all those disgusting cab drivers. 1.00
00:05:00.000 That's racist. 0.99
00:05:02.000 Okay, go ride some taxis in New York City and get back to me. 0.97
00:05:06.000 You don't seem to like brown people very much. 0.95
00:05:10.000 I don't seem to like to smell people very much that reek. 0.99
00:05:14.000 And New York taxicabs reek.
00:05:17.000 And I yell at them sometimes.
00:05:19.000 I say, should we pull over at this CVS?
00:05:23.000 I will pay for your deodorant.
00:05:24.000 It's called Arm & Hammer.
00:05:26.000 They don't even know what I'm talking about.
00:05:28.000 It's not like they forgot to change their shirt that day.
00:05:30.000 They don't know that you're not supposed to drink 700 coffees, not eat, piss in a plastic bag they leave on the side of the road, and 0.69
00:05:40.000 And just process fat through your armpits.
00:05:43.000 They don't know about it. 1.00
00:05:44.000 By the way, if you're in a fight with a cab driver, which I am once a day, don't say, fuck you, or you're a bitch, or anything. 1.00
00:05:51.000 That's our swear words. 1.00
00:05:53.000 That's what makes us mad. 0.99
00:05:54.000 You have to use their thing, and you have to say, your uncle is a donkey. 0.99
00:05:59.000 I know it doesn't sound that bad to us. 0.97
00:06:01.000 We have different values.
00:06:03.000 They don't like animals over there.
00:06:04.000 They like their uncle.
00:06:05.000 That's a doozy.
00:06:07.000 One time I said, I got out of the cab, I go, I'm not paying to be subjected to your body odor. 0.99
00:06:12.000 And I got out of the cab and I said, and by the way, you smell like a goat. 0.94
00:06:16.000 And his eyes almost popped out of his head. 0.93
00:06:19.000 He was so furious. 0.99
00:06:22.000 And he was so furious that he delivered this shitty comeback. 1.00
00:06:24.000 He went, you, you smell like a goat! 1.00
00:06:29.000 Whoa, touched a nerve. 0.99
00:06:30.000 I can't wait to tell everyone about your kryptonite.
00:06:34.000 Apparently, you gentlemen have an Achilles heel, and it is anthropomorphic analogies. 1.00
00:06:44.000 So, this stupid bitch in her perfume. 1.00
00:06:47.000 But it's a problem I have everywhere, like I took my dog for a walk this morning. 1.00
00:06:52.000 And I take his shitbag and I put it in, you know, I clean it up, I throw it in the garbage and now my fingers actually, right now they still smell like it. 0.93
00:07:01.000 They smell of the perfume that they put on shitbags. 0.94
00:07:04.000 What are you doing? 1.00
00:07:07.000 Are you saying that there's poo on my hand and then you're going to cover that disgusting scent with a nice chemistry flowery scent? 0.94
00:07:14.000 I don't want poo on my hand.
00:07:16.000 It's like when they sent gas, like, you know, there's a propane leak cause you can smell it.
00:07:21.000 Poo has a scent for an evolutionary reason.
00:07:24.000 You want to get it away from you.
00:07:26.000 The ones who like the smell of poo are extinct. 0.71
00:07:29.000 So if there's a poo smell on my fingers, I want to know about it.
00:07:33.000 And there isn't because I did it with a plastic bag and plastic is not a semi-permeable membrane.
00:07:41.000 So why'd you perfume my hands? 0.85
00:07:42.000 This is what drives me nuts.
00:07:43.000 I eat a croissant with my hands.
00:07:45.000 By the way, Canadians, never say croissant in America.
00:07:49.000 If you pronounce any French words correctly, they think you're hoity-toity and they want to fight you.
00:07:54.000 So say croissant or the whole lineup will get stopped as people yell at you. 0.99
00:07:59.000 They hate the French here in America, which is ironic because I'm from Montreal where the French are trash. 1.00
00:08:06.000 Like, we call them Peppers, or Pepsis, because Pepsi was cheaper than Coke, and they could never afford Coke. 0.97
00:08:13.000 So you'd always see French people with Pepsis and English people with Cokes, so they became Pepsis. 0.99
00:08:16.000 They're poor. 1.00
00:08:18.000 They're stupid. 1.00
00:08:19.000 And then you come here and, ooh, la-dee-dah, you're French! 1.00
00:08:22.000 And you're like, fuck you, I'm not a Pepper! 1.00
00:08:25.000 I'm smart! 1.00
00:08:27.000 I have money!
00:08:28.000 I'm not French!
00:08:32.000 And you come here and it's all about race.
00:08:33.000 Was that racist?
00:08:34.000 You go, race? 0.87
00:08:35.000 You mean black guys? 0.79
00:08:36.000 You mean those Haitians? 0.97
00:08:37.000 They're nerds. 0.98
00:08:39.000 Because in Quebec, if you're black, then you're Haitian. 0.99
00:08:42.000 And if you're Haitian, and you got out of that shithole, and you made it to Quebec, you're loaded. 1.00
00:08:48.000 So all the black kids in Montreal are rich. 0.98
00:08:51.000 They all wear scarves with their blazers and have these really posh French accents. 1.00
00:08:56.000 They're the only French people that aren't stupid and poor. 1.00
00:08:59.000 Are the black people. 1.00
00:09:02.000 Any hizzle. 0.99
00:09:04.000 I eat with my fingers. 1.00
00:09:07.000 So you're getting your stupid fake flowers in my face. 1.00
00:09:11.000 I'm eating them now. 1.00
00:09:12.000 It's the same with soap. 0.99
00:09:14.000 Oh, you're outside, you're, you know, you're touching dirty stuff, whatever, you washed your foreskin, you have stinky hands. 1.00
00:09:21.000 You go to, uh, the sink to wash, cause you're gonna eat soon. 0.98
00:09:25.000 Say you're gonna eat nachos with your hands. 0.99
00:09:28.000 So you go to the sink, you wash your hands, now you have fucking flower hands. 1.00
00:09:34.000 Now I gotta eat your chemical flowers every time I have a nacho. 1.00
00:09:39.000 I don't want that.
00:09:40.000 You know what deodorant I use?
00:09:42.000 Arm & Hammer Baking Powder Scentless Just Thing.
00:09:46.000 And it stops my shirts from reeking.
00:09:49.000 Which means I have to do less laundry.
00:09:50.000 And I'm not uncomfortable around people because I'm not sending my body particles into their lungs.
00:09:58.000 Why can't everything be like that?
00:09:59.000 Why can't there be baking powder soap?
00:10:02.000 And stop scenting my bags!
00:10:06.000 That sounds like a colloquialism for, uh, stop lying to me.
00:10:11.000 She came in here, she's scenting my bags. 1.00
00:10:14.000 I'm not a dummy.
00:10:16.000 It's like, don't salt my farts.
00:10:18.000 I said that once by accident and then I realized that sounds like don't lie to me.
00:10:21.000 Hey, hey, don't salt my farts.
00:10:23.000 Tell me like this.
00:10:25.000 What's the truth?
00:10:26.000 I don't want you to perfume my bags.
00:10:28.000 What's going on here?
00:10:31.000 Most of politics is just a perfumed bag.
00:10:36.000 I'm alone here in my home studio, uh, listening to the Gav Show with you.
00:10:46.000 So yeah, I want to ban perfume.
00:10:49.000 I, I mean, I kind of get like on a date.
00:10:53.000 I remember being a kid and my mom would be all dressed up with my dad and she'd have on like a little scent.
00:10:58.000 And I remember going, I get that.
00:11:00.000 You know, my mom's fancy tonight.
00:11:02.000 It's a fancy night.
00:11:05.000 Uh, no.
00:11:05.000 I bet, like, my wife doesn't wear perfume, but I bet if you make out with a chick who has perfume on her neck, I bet it's, like, acidic on your tongue.
00:11:13.000 Like, if you lick a perfume neck, I bet it burns your tongue. 0.91
00:11:18.000 Get it out of here! 0.99
00:11:19.000 Get all- I love perfume naturally.
00:11:22.000 I like when you go for a walk.
00:11:23.000 I love all those smells. 0.99
00:11:25.000 I even like the cow shit smell at farms. 0.99
00:11:27.000 I like the smell when you mow the lawn. 0.99
00:11:29.000 I love being in the country and just going for a walk in the forest and all the different smells.
00:11:33.000 Yes, please.
00:11:34.000 Even skunks.
00:11:34.000 Everyone loves a skunk.
00:11:35.000 Not close up, but when you drive by, that's cool.
00:11:38.000 That's real information.
00:11:40.000 It all comes back to what I was saying last time about being lied to.
00:11:42.000 Don't lie to me. 0.86
00:11:44.000 Don't salt my farts. 1.00
00:11:46.000 And perfume is a fucking lie. 1.00
00:11:48.000 So is fake tits. 1.00
00:11:50.000 What about high-heeled shoes, Gavin? 0.99
00:11:52.000 No, that's not a lie.
00:11:55.000 That's... you're presenting something on a nice plate. 0.89
00:11:59.000 You're elevating the buttocks. 0.92
00:12:01.000 You're elongating the leg.
00:12:03.000 You're hiding the confusing toes.
00:12:06.000 You're presenting a lady on a pedestal. 0.99
00:12:09.000 That's nice.
00:12:11.000 Long hair is a lie.
00:12:12.000 How is it a lie?
00:12:13.000 What about extensions?
00:12:14.000 Yeah, that's a lie.
00:12:15.000 I don't like that.
00:12:16.000 Why are you arguing with me, me?
00:12:20.000 So I thought I would take this episode to, uh, uh-oh.
00:12:26.000 Uh...
00:12:30.000 Sorry.
00:12:31.000 I get texts sometimes.
00:12:32.000 I'm going to jail today. 0.70
00:12:34.000 And I'm bringing my friend, a big titted chick that I've never met. 1.00
00:12:39.000 Because I promised him I would. 0.60
00:12:40.000 Because I'd imagine when you're in there, you want to see chicks. 1.00
00:12:42.000 But I don't know any chicks. 1.00
00:12:44.000 I asked my old nanny, who has huge tits. 1.00
00:12:46.000 Hey, I haven't spoken in a while. 0.99
00:12:49.000 This is a little inappropriate, but I'm going to jail to visit a friend who was caught with a handgun, and I want to make sure he sees tits. 1.00
00:12:55.000 Could you come? 0.99
00:12:56.000 She's like, uh, no.
00:12:57.000 OK.
00:12:59.000 Then I asked Brittany Venti. 0.85
00:13:01.000 You can look her up. 0.99
00:13:02.000 She's got insanely good tits. 1.00
00:13:04.000 She's an octoroon. 1.00
00:13:06.000 I think that's a good combination for boobs. 1.00
00:13:08.000 And she texts back, LOL I'm not an escort. 0.84
00:13:11.000 And then this girl goes, I'm sorry to ask but I totally forgot my water bottle and I scrambled to get ready.
00:13:15.000 Can you grab me a coconut water or a Gatorade when you pick me up please?
00:13:18.000 Okay.
00:13:18.000 I'm picking her up in like an hour and a half.
00:13:22.000 You can't get some Gatorade in an hour and a half?
00:13:26.000 Whatever works.
00:13:27.000 By the way, I feel absolutely no shame about this, and I don't care if my wife finds out.
00:13:30.000 I'm not ogling her.
00:13:33.000 I'm bringing her to a guy. 0.99
00:13:35.000 I'm doing it as a homosexual. 0.69
00:13:37.000 There's nothing sexual about me doing this.
00:13:39.000 That's why I asked the nanny, because I thought, this isn't sexual.
00:13:43.000 It's me trying to bring you as eye candy, and it could be basically any woman when you've been in jail for a while. 1.00
00:13:49.000 Anyway.
00:13:50.000 I'll tell you about all that in another episode when it's actually happened.
00:13:54.000 But I wanted to catch up on some things that drive me nuts, besides perfume.
00:13:59.000 And I wouldn't be surprised if the common thread with all this is LIES. 0.99
00:14:07.000 Um, alright, I wrote them down for you. 0.85
00:14:12.000 Uh, oh yeah, this drives me insane. 1.00
00:14:16.000 Hey baby boomers, learn to use a motherfucking cell phone. 1.00
00:14:24.000 First of all, there's no need to call anyone ever. 0.99
00:14:28.000 You send a text.
00:14:29.000 You don't need alerts on your phone.
00:14:32.000 When you think that you should check your texts, check your texts.
00:14:36.000 I just got that one.
00:14:37.000 My phone didn't vibrate.
00:14:38.000 It didn't go beep boop.
00:14:40.000 I just saw the light come on.
00:14:43.000 If I was walking, I wouldn't feel the light come on.
00:14:45.000 Don't check your phone when you're walking.
00:14:47.000 You're not a fireman.
00:14:48.000 It's not an emergency. 1.00
00:14:51.000 And the goddamn ringtones they have. 1.00
00:14:54.000 They're ear-shattering ringtones. 1.00
00:14:57.000 They're walking in the park.
00:14:58.000 Hello?
00:14:59.000 Oh, hi! 0.99
00:14:59.000 Let me get this fucking emergency settled! 0.99
00:15:10.000 It's never important. 1.00
00:15:11.000 You're a baby boomer, by the way.
00:15:12.000 You guys, your jobs are all fake.
00:15:15.000 What's your job?
00:15:15.000 I'm a consultant.
00:15:17.000 What?
00:15:17.000 What does that mean?
00:15:18.000 Oh, when two groups of people are trying to do a deal, I help facilitate the deal.
00:15:24.000 Oh, so you sit in a chair and talk to people?
00:15:28.000 Great.
00:15:28.000 Thanks.
00:15:29.000 God, the economy thanks you.
00:15:31.000 Thank you.
00:15:32.000 Thank you.
00:15:33.000 Personally, from a person with money in the market, thank you for helping the market move smooth, human lube.
00:15:41.000 But I hate the way, I hate that their ringtones are so loud, I hate that they have to answer their phone all the time, and I hate the way they talk in public. 0.99
00:15:49.000 They're always talking so fucking loud! 0.91
00:15:53.000 If I, and when they can work it, how many times, I have to do selfies with people sometimes, and baby boomers, the millennial will hand the boomer the phone, and you might as well give a baby the nuclear codes. 0.98
00:16:06.000 They have no clue, and they inevitably push a button, they go, oh, I pushed something, it's gone.
00:16:15.000 So when I'm, when I'm dictator, when I take over America and it becomes a benevolent dictatorship, these are some of the laws I'm going to institute. 0.98
00:16:24.000 No fake tits. 1.00
00:16:27.000 Um, no perfume of any kind. 0.98
00:16:30.000 Perfume is banned.
00:16:34.000 No, no scented soaps, no scented shampoo, no shampoo. 1.00
00:16:38.000 Fuck shampoo. 1.00
00:16:39.000 Guys, if you're bald, it's cause you use shampoo. 1.00
00:16:44.000 And you wear a hat too much.
00:16:45.000 I keep telling.
00:16:45.000 Have you noticed my full head of hair?
00:16:48.000 Justin Theroux once said to me, I am so jealous of you.
00:16:51.000 When I start at the very top of your head and I go down about a quarter inch, I'm jealous.
00:16:57.000 And then I get to the skull where your brain is.
00:16:59.000 And then I stopped being jealous. 0.97
00:17:03.000 The reason I have such gorgeous locks that celebrities around the world masturbate thinking about is because I never use shampoo.
00:17:12.000 I haven't washed my hair in
00:17:14.000 I don't know when.
00:17:15.000 Maybe when I was 14?
00:17:16.000 I don't think- I may have never washed my hair.
00:17:19.000 Probably not since my mommy washed it when I was in the bath as a little kid.
00:17:23.000 Never washed my hair.
00:17:24.000 I didn't wash it because I was punk, but then after punk I had dreads.
00:17:28.000 Yes, I know what you're thinking.
00:17:29.000 It was a different time, okay?
00:17:31.000 We're talking 1990.
00:17:34.000 No one had dreads back then. 1.00
00:17:36.000 Fuck you. 1.00
00:17:38.000 And then I just didn't wash it, and I have gorgeous supermodel hair. 1.00
00:17:45.000 I have basically what Beyonce's going for, but short and brown.
00:17:51.000 And by the way, guys, whatever hair you have at, say, 34, 32, that's yours.
00:18:02.000 You're cryogenically frozen in time.
00:18:04.000 And gentlemen, if you're going bald before then,
00:18:08.000 Your days are numbered?
00:18:09.000 Get a ring on it.
00:18:11.000 Start thinking seriously about who you're gonna marry.
00:18:15.000 If we can start seeing through your bangs, you better get a ring.
00:18:18.000 Better get a ring! 0.99
00:18:21.000 Because no one is fucking George Costanza. 0.99
00:18:27.000 And then once you're married, no one cares. 0.99
00:18:29.000 I could honestly shave my beard and my wife would not notice.
00:18:33.000 They don't see you anymore.
00:18:35.000 I could wear a suit every day.
00:18:36.000 Well, I do.
00:18:37.000 I could wear sweatpants.
00:18:39.000 My wife does not notice.
00:18:42.000 In fact, a big part of our relationship is disdain.
00:18:48.000 Like it's, you run out of love or you don't run out of love, but love becomes just one thing.
00:18:55.000 For example, this morning, uh, I was annoying on purpose and she hated me for it.
00:19:01.000 And that was just an emotion we had.
00:19:02.000 That was something we shared.
00:19:04.000 We're not always hugging and kissing.
00:19:06.000 Let's try hating each other.
00:19:08.000 So she was feeding the dog, and she was pouring out the dog food. 0.99
00:19:12.000 And she went, ah, damn it. 0.99
00:19:13.000 Because she's pouring from a big bag, and it overpoured. 0.99
00:19:16.000 And then I said, that's way too much as it spilled over the sides, which she obviously knew.
00:19:23.000 And so she knows I'm just trying to annoy her.
00:19:26.000 And then she picks up the dog bowl and she starts putting it back in the big bag and it's spilling out onto the floor even more.
00:19:32.000 And I go, now it's spilling on the floor.
00:19:35.000 And then the two of them just start rolling towards the stove and I go, that one's rolling.
00:19:38.000 It's going to go under the stove.
00:19:40.000 Of course, I'm not doing anything to stop it.
00:19:41.000 I could just put my foot out and that would have stopped it.
00:19:44.000 I'm purposely antagonizing her and she's well aware of it and she is resenting me for that and being annoyed and that's us having an exchange. 0.92
00:19:54.000 It's like sex. 0.99
00:19:56.000 Sometimes sex is love-making, sometimes it's hate-fucking. 0.99
00:20:00.000 This morning we were having a hate repertoire. 0.99
00:20:05.000 Anyway, so yeah.
00:20:10.000 Boomers on their phones, outlawed. 1.00
00:20:12.000 Flip-flops.
00:20:14.000 I read about this a long time ago.
00:20:16.000 Honestly, maybe 15 years ago.
00:20:19.000 I might have even still been living in Canada at the time.
00:20:21.000 That would be 20 years ago.
00:20:23.000 But I remember distinctly reading about an African dictator and autists at home, 4channers, if you can find this, I will blow you. 1.00
00:20:33.000 There was an African dictator who made flip-flops illegal.
00:20:38.000 God bless his cotton socks, literally.
00:20:41.000 Um, and his soldiers, his army, would make you eat your flip-flops at gunpoint if they caught you wearing flip-flops.
00:20:52.000 A man after my own heart.
00:20:54.000 That will be, I will be stealing that law verbatim.
00:20:57.000 You'll be reading my constitution and then all of a sudden it will read like African in section 3 clause A4.
00:21:05.000 And no man will be wearing flip-flops
00:21:09.000 There is a constant debate about the beach, and not even in that instance can a man wear flip-flops.
00:21:18.000 A man can wear Chuck Taylors till he gets to his towel, then he lays down his towel, which will obviously be near the water where the sand is not so hot, and then he can take them off and he can walk barefoot to the water.
00:21:34.000 Kids can wear whatever they want, but adults may never ever wear flip-flops.
00:21:39.000 And you go, I'm in Texas, I'm in Hawaii, I'm in Australia.
00:21:43.000 What are you doing in Australia with a southern accent?
00:21:45.000 I need to wear them. 1.00
00:21:47.000 Fuck you, you need to wear them. 1.00
00:21:49.000 In Texas and Florida, men don't even wear shorts. 1.00
00:21:53.000 Real men.
00:21:54.000 I've seen the show Cops.
00:21:55.000 Real men who fight cops.
00:21:59.000 They don't wear shorts.
00:22:00.000 So you can wear... I'm not asking you to wear ski boots.
00:22:05.000 You can wear chucks.
00:22:06.000 You can wear low-cut vans.
00:22:07.000 And by the way, low-cut chucks and low-cut vans, when they're really broken in, they basically are sandals.
00:22:13.000 Like, the material gets so thin and breathable...
00:22:17.000 That actually you know it's a funny trick with with low-cut Chuck Taylors.
00:22:21.000 When you get them really dirty and maybe you wash them or they get totally drenched in mud then washed off and dried out, they develop this sort of like stiffness where you don't need socks.
00:22:32.000 They never get juicy again.
00:22:34.000 They stay dry as hay.
00:22:35.000 That's at least been my experience.
00:22:37.000 I don't need to wear socks in the winter- in the summer.
00:22:40.000 Sometimes I will wear shorts, though.
00:22:42.000 That's a funny little thing.
00:22:43.000 I'm not a very predictable dude.
00:22:44.000 I'm a fun dictator.
00:22:46.000 That's gonna be my- that's gonna be my motto when I'm running for dictatorship.
00:22:49.000 Make America fun again.
00:22:52.000 You can wear shorts if it's over... 86 degrees.
00:22:56.000 Not sure what- Alexa, what's 86 degrees Fahrenheit?
00:23:01.000 86 degrees Fahrenheit is 35 degrees Celsius.
00:23:04.000 Thank you.
00:23:06.000 Um...
00:23:07.000 You can wear shorts like that, but they have to be short shorts.
00:23:10.000 I have been negotiating with the gay community at Camp David for many years, and they said, we don't want them anymore. 1.00
00:23:17.000 They've given us back the 70s short shorts.
00:23:22.000 Like, jorts that don't go, that you can almost see the pockets coming out the bottom and show off your crank.
00:23:29.000 And the scoop on your buttocks? 1.00
00:23:32.000 Men are sexy. 0.99
00:23:33.000 Look, the only thing we have is our bulge.
00:23:34.000 That's our cleavage. 1.00
00:23:35.000 So show it off.
00:23:36.000 Not with cargo shorts.
00:23:37.000 Cargo shorts are homophobic. 1.00
00:23:40.000 Those big stupid SoCal West Customs shorts that fat wreck dudes wear that look like giant short pants? 1.00
00:23:49.000 Those are saying, yo man, I ain't gay. 1.00
00:23:52.000 I ain't gay. 0.76
00:23:54.000 I'm not showing off my legs or nothing. 0.95
00:23:56.000 Yeah, but you're uncomfortable with pants on. 0.98
00:23:59.000 So you gotta be comfortable, but you're not gay. 1.00
00:24:02.000 Wear short shorts. 0.94
00:24:04.000 That's what I like to wear.
00:24:04.000 Tennis shorts.
00:24:06.000 Tennis shorts and a Hawaiian shirt.
00:24:07.000 Low-cut chucks.
00:24:08.000 Hunter Thompson style.
00:24:10.000 Perfect.
00:24:11.000 Hunter Thompson, if he had hair, he would have been a male model. 1.00
00:24:14.000 And he could have had hair if he didn't use fucking shampoo. 0.99
00:24:19.000 So flip-flops are out. 0.99
00:24:20.000 And by the way, Southerners and Hawaiians and Australians, you have a point.
00:24:24.000 I'm not gonna lie.
00:24:25.000 I mean, I'm up here in the Northeast where it's easy to talk a big game about flip-flops.
00:24:30.000 But dudes in New York wear flip-flops. 0.99
00:24:33.000 They wear flip-flops to fucking meetings in the city. 1.00
00:24:37.000 So they're walking around with their syringes, and their rats, and their dog shit everywhere, and bum vomit. 1.00
00:24:45.000 And shit, which is really what bum vomit is, right? 1.00
00:24:48.000 It's your ass barfing. 1.00
00:24:51.000 In flip-flops with their hairy toes hanging out. 1.00
00:24:56.000 I don't even really like it when women wear them. 1.00
00:24:57.000 They just look so lazy.
00:24:59.000 I can't put my shoes on.
00:25:01.000 I gotta go to the laundromat.
00:25:03.000 I'm just gonna wear my top on and my sweatpants and this shirt from college and just like my flip-flops.
00:25:12.000 God, I hate how everyone's so lazy at the airport.
00:25:14.000 I need wheels.
00:25:15.000 Oh my God, this thing weighs like 15 pounds.
00:25:17.000 I have to have wheels on my luggage.
00:25:20.000 Oh my God, I can't carry this.
00:25:22.000 I can't.
00:25:22.000 And then they go to the gym, because they're out of shape, because they've never carried anything.
00:25:26.000 Carry your stuff.
00:25:27.000 Tom Shalhoub talks about this all the time.
00:25:28.000 Carry a suitcase.
00:25:30.000 Don't have wheels.
00:25:31.000 Buy your suitcase on eBay.
00:25:33.000 I hate when men... This is another pet peeve of mine, by the way.
00:25:36.000 When men have their briefcase at work and it looks like a DJ bag.
00:25:40.000 You know what I mean?
00:25:43.000 Oh, I can't carry this computer.
00:25:44.000 I needed a strap over my shoulder.
00:25:47.000 I can't carry eight pounds.
00:25:48.000 What do you think I am, Hulk Hogan?
00:25:52.000 So those are banned. 1.00
00:25:53.000 Flip-flops, fake tits, perfume, bags. 0.99
00:25:57.000 Here's another thing I want to ban. 1.00
00:26:00.000 That meep, meep, meep, meep on reversing trucks.
00:26:06.000 To the family that I assume had their son run over by a reversing truck and his melon popped like a grape,
00:26:13.000 That's horrible.
00:26:15.000 My heart goes out to you.
00:26:17.000 But there's a thing called utility.
00:26:20.000 Communists love it.
00:26:21.000 Billy Bragg has this stamp on his records that says, utility, a ration of passion.
00:26:27.000 And the rationale with utility is, as a philosophy,
00:26:31.000 Is if it's for the greater good, we have to, we have to measure anecdotal evidence.
00:26:40.000 So, you know, say there's an explorer who's stuck on a mountaintop and it's going to cost $150,000 to rescue him.
00:26:49.000 Sorry, buddy.
00:26:50.000 We would, we'd be out of helicopters if we did this every single time.
00:26:53.000 So we got a human life does have a value.
00:26:56.000 If we can save just one life.
00:26:58.000 No, that's not what we do.
00:27:00.000 It sounds good, and women say that, but men go, yeah, I gotta, I gotta cut the fat. 0.80
00:27:06.000 I mean, I have to draw the line somewhere.
00:27:08.000 So we're only gonna rescue people if it's, we can only afford to do like five rescues a year at 40 grand each. 0.82
00:27:15.000 So, with all due respect to that family, who had better fucking exist, because if this has never happened, and we have that meep, beep, beep, beep, based on nothing, now I'm really pissed.
00:27:31.000 Actually, I'm gonna make this a whole new category. 0.98
00:27:33.000 Safety.
00:27:34.000 I hate safety.
00:27:36.000 And every time, you're in the suburbs, some trucks, oh, the worst is in the city.
00:27:41.000 I'd wake up at four in the morning, as I live near a bakery in Williamsburg, on Metropolitan, 80 Metropolitan, and there's a bakery there.
00:27:48.000 Beep!
00:27:49.000 Beep!
00:27:50.000 Beep! 1.00
00:27:51.000 At three in the morning, oh yeah, that's good, just in case a kid is sleeping on the road, and he's gonna get his head run over, and the driver didn't see a little kid lying in a sleeping bag in the loading dock, let's have this stupid beep, beep, beep. 1.00
00:28:07.000 I hate it. 1.00
00:28:07.000 Stop it. 1.00
00:28:08.000 It's not helping anyone.
00:28:10.000 It's saving one life and ruining 10 million lives.
00:28:13.000 Well, they're not ruined, Gavin.
00:28:15.000 No, but it adds up.
00:28:16.000 That's my point.
00:28:17.000 It adds up. 0.81
00:28:19.000 Okay, by that rationale, if there's a curb with a little bump in it because a tree is growing near it and a hundred people almost trip a day, the person who's responsible for that tree should be executed.
00:28:31.000 Yeah, sort of.
00:28:32.000 I guess that's kind of what I'm saying.
00:28:35.000 I guess this communist philosophy has its holes, but I'm just sick of this beep, beep, beep for nothing.
00:28:42.000 It's like skiing.
00:28:43.000 I took a long break from skiing because I was a city person.
00:28:47.000 Now that I have kids, I'm back on the slopes. 0.98
00:28:49.000 And no, I don't mean dating Asian girls again, you racist.
00:28:53.000 But I'm on the ski hill and everyone has a helmet on. 0.97
00:29:00.000 Kids.
00:29:00.000 Moms.
00:29:01.000 Dads.
00:29:02.000 Everyone.
00:29:03.000 I look like a freak.
00:29:04.000 Even my wife freaked out and got the kids' helmets. 1.00
00:29:07.000 But my wife and I are the only ones without helmets.
00:29:09.000 We look bald.
00:29:11.000 We look like daredevils.
00:29:12.000 We look like homeless people.
00:29:14.000 It's just part of your uniform.
00:29:16.000 Your goggles go on it.
00:29:17.000 Dads. 0.95
00:29:20.000 And I think when I was a boy, helmets were for retards. 1.00
00:29:23.000 You felt sad when you saw someone with a helmet on.
00:29:27.000 If someone was riding their bike with a helmet, you'd go, oh, he learned how to ride a bike.
00:29:32.000 That's adorable.
00:29:33.000 What great caregivers he has. 1.00
00:29:36.000 Now, everyone has to have a fucking helmet on. 1.00
00:29:39.000 And for what? 0.99
00:29:41.000 I was arguing about this because I guess I said on another podcast, but someone was going, um, 90% of ski hill fatalities are from someone not wearing a helmet.
00:29:52.000 Okay.
00:29:53.000 True.
00:29:55.000 How many fatalities is that?
00:29:57.000 Two a year?
00:29:58.000 Out of how many trillion of runs?
00:30:02.000 Like you think of a ski hill at any given second,
00:30:06.000 One ski hill probably has 280 people going down the hill during that one millisecond where I froze time.
00:30:14.000 All right, now restart time.
00:30:16.000 There's all those runs every day.
00:30:19.000 All those people, all those ski hills, all of America.
00:30:23.000 It's like car accidents.
00:30:24.000 I think there's something like 40,000 deaths a year.
00:30:27.000 That's a miracle.
00:30:28.000 When you think of how many cars right now are just missing each other on the freeway, trillions and trillions of times a day.
00:30:37.000 I sounded like William Shatner there.
00:30:39.000 Trillions and trillions of times a day.
00:30:43.000 I've never done a Star Trek imitation.
00:30:46.000 For good reason.
00:30:49.000 Every time I hang out with Anthony Comey, I want him to help me with imitations.
00:30:52.000 People who do imitations don't want to do that.
00:30:54.000 They don't, they don't enjoy that.
00:30:56.000 I guess it's one of the things you either have it or you don't.
00:31:00.000 Like I want to do my tone.
00:31:01.000 I'll always go like, help me out here.
00:31:02.000 Is it like, it's a very difficult situation.
00:31:05.000 And then he'll laugh and do, it's a very difficult situation.
00:31:08.000 Perfectly.
00:31:10.000 And then I go, Oh, it's like situation.
00:31:11.000 And then he wants to move on.
00:31:13.000 He doesn't want to be a vocal coach for some reason. 0.99
00:31:17.000 So yeah, helmets are ridiculous and that fucking beeping has got to stop. 0.99
00:31:23.000 And that brings me to another suburban woe. 0.99
00:31:26.000 No, the trucks is not a suburban woe.
00:31:28.000 You hear it very rarely.
00:31:29.000 That's a city woe. 1.00
00:31:29.000 But leaf blowers is a fucking suburban woe! 1.00
00:31:34.000 In my neighborhood, they blow the leaves to the side of the road. 0.99
00:31:40.000 And then a giant machine comes with a huge vacuum.
00:31:44.000 It looks like a giant pool.
00:31:47.000 You know the pool tubes that the pool vacuums use?
00:31:50.000 It's like a big fat version of that and it just sucks up the leaves.
00:31:54.000 Sounds good, right?
00:31:55.000 Yes!
00:31:56.000 But that may have been the plan years ago.
00:31:58.000 Now, I guess people started putting twigs and debris in it so the vacuum couldn't suck it up. 0.96
00:32:04.000 Now you have a pile of crap at the base of your driveway that got blown there by illegals with a leaf blower. 0.76
00:32:11.000 It takes forever and it doesn't look faster than a rake. 0.97
00:32:14.000 Maybe in a giant field there's an argument and the field is on a cliff and you can just blow the leaves off the cliff.
00:32:19.000 Maybe.
00:32:20.000 But as far as suburban lawns, nothing beats a wide rake.
00:32:24.000 Hey teens, why did you abdicate the throne to illegals with leaf blowers? 0.87
00:32:28.000 They're doing a way worse job.
00:32:31.000 So they blow it to the side of the road, and then someone throws debris on it, and then it sits there for weeks and blows away.
00:32:38.000 So the illegals come back and re-blow it.
00:32:41.000 Then eventually, you know what shows up to pick it up?
00:32:44.000 Oh, a transformer?
00:32:46.000 A giant bulldozer?
00:32:49.000 Two things.
00:32:49.000 A giant bulldozer with these calipers and a tray at the base that could honestly lift up a garage.
00:32:57.000 I'm not exaggerating.
00:32:58.000 The bottom plate could slide under your shed and then these two giant beetle claws come around the side. 1.00
00:33:03.000 They could pick up your shed, no problem.
00:33:06.000 So it comes and picks up this leaf, scrapes up the road.
00:33:12.000 It sounds like two transformers in a headlock. 0.99
00:33:15.000 Then it picks up all this stupid leaves, drops it in the dump truck, which is massive. 0.98
00:33:20.000 So the whole ordeal looks like a $15,000 ordeal, which the taxes I pay in the suburbs is nothing. 0.99
00:33:27.000 It's ten if when I tell people in LA when I pay in taxes tens and tens of thousands of dollars for property and education and bulldozer leaf bulldozers So that didn't work let's go back to rakes and paper bags Please you can get the recycling bags if you want and then someone comes by it I could come by with a big truck and throw the bags in there and take him to the fucking dump 0.97
00:33:52.000 So many things are not an improvement. 0.92
00:33:53.000 I lost, I wet my pants the other day because I was drunk and I fell asleep lying down on the floor.
00:33:58.000 I'm not proud of that.
00:33:59.000 But I also wet my Land Rover key and it oxidized.
00:34:05.000 So I had to buy a new one.
00:34:06.000 It's $450.
00:34:07.000 Then it's another $100 to have it programmed.
00:34:12.000 It's a giant computer that makes your pants look funny because it's so big and it attaches to your other keys So you have this like weird bulge.
00:34:19.000 It looks like you're you're smuggling out a human hand in your pants and
00:34:27.000 That's not an improvement. 0.73
00:34:28.000 First of all, I can't pee it.
00:34:30.000 But secondly, like, when I was young, you had a key.
00:34:33.000 A normal key.
00:34:34.000 You put it in the car, turned the thing, that was fine.
00:34:37.000 You could get it wet, it cost five bucks, you could have it duplicated, no problem, it was easy. 1.00
00:34:43.000 Now they've made it worse with this stupid, it's literally a computer. 1.00
00:34:46.000 Oh, and you know what? 1.00
00:34:47.000 Guess what's inside this computer box that's 500 bucks to replace.
00:34:52.000 Five to six, depending where you get it.
00:34:54.000 It's a thing called a key.
00:34:56.000 Yeah, that's right.
00:34:57.000 Inside your key, you screw this... You guys all know this.
00:35:01.000 I don't know why I'm telling you this. 0.84
00:35:02.000 Maybe youngsters don't know this.
00:35:03.000 You take it all apart, you move the top part, and inside, there's a little steel part that's called a key.
00:35:09.000 And you can put that in your car, and I'm not sure if you can even start it, but you can definitely open the door with it.
00:35:15.000 Thanks!
00:35:16.000 And that's extra!
00:35:19.000 If you... It's $4.50 for the key, but if you'd like a key with your key, that's another $50.
00:35:27.000 Can you believe the world we're living in?
00:35:28.000 It's like the future was the 80s, and now everything is post-future.
00:35:33.000 Like those earbuds you get now that sicken your ears?
00:35:36.000 Those kept falling out and getting lost, so now there's cords you can attach to your wireless earbuds to keep them from getting lost.
00:35:45.000 In other words, they're going back to wired earbuds, because those were just fine.
00:35:50.000 Which, by the way, we had in the 80s.
00:35:55.000 All right.
00:35:57.000 How much time?
00:35:57.000 Oh, we're running out of time here.
00:35:58.000 I'm going to have to rush to get through these.
00:36:00.000 I also hate glasses of water at a restaurant.
00:36:05.000 We all sit down and the illegal comes and he brings it.
00:36:08.000 By the way, why does every waiter on earth have an accent?
00:36:12.000 We're out in the suburbs.
00:36:14.000 We're at a sort of a fancy hipster kind of a meatball spot.
00:36:17.000 Hello, can I get your order, please?
00:36:19.000 Where are you from?
00:36:20.000 This guy's like young.
00:36:22.000 He's 21 and he's Brazilian or something.
00:36:24.000 Are there no 21 year olds in the vicinity?
00:36:27.000 No one wants a job here?
00:36:29.000 No parents are good enough to understand that a kid should have a job? 0.99
00:36:32.000 Why did you have to- why did we have to import a fucking waiter from Brazil? 0.99
00:36:37.000 Whose idea was that? 0.99
00:36:39.000 Sir, I just need to get your meatballs.
00:36:41.000 Just tell me meatballs, please.
00:36:42.000 I don't want to get in an argument about immigration.
00:36:45.000 I'm not here illegally, obviously, so that I'm going to lose the debate.
00:36:51.000 But as he's talking, right, because he's higher up than the Mexicans, he has his little minions, his Aztecs. 0.99
00:37:00.000 All give us giant fucking waters that are like, honestly, almost a foot tall with tons of ice. 0.99
00:37:07.000 They're red and they got that straw in them. 0.99
00:37:10.000 And then I've got a family of five, so now there's five giant waters taking up the whole table.
00:37:14.000 Okay, so you don't want us to order drinks?
00:37:16.000 No, no, I'll take your drinks.
00:37:17.000 Well, you just gave me drinks.
00:37:19.000 No, no, no, you have a different drink.
00:37:22.000 Well, this drives me nuts too.
00:37:24.000 She'll order like a, I'll just get the house white, I'll get the Sauvignon Blanc or something.
00:37:24.000 My wife will do this sometimes.
00:37:29.000 And a water?
00:37:30.000 And a water?
00:37:31.000 I said this in a video about how to drink.
00:37:34.000 A drink is water, that's why they call it a drink.
00:37:37.000 No, no, I'm really thirsty.
00:37:38.000 Okay, why don't you drink your drink then if you're so thirsty?
00:37:42.000 Oh, that's, but alcohol dehydrates you.
00:37:44.000 Yeah, like six.
00:37:46.000 Six beers dehydrates you because you end up pissing more than you take in.
00:37:49.000 But one drink will quench your thirst, will kill two birds with one stone.
00:37:53.000 It's like saying, can I get a hamburger and then also a loaf of bread because I'm really hungry.
00:37:58.000 There's bread in the burger.
00:38:00.000 The top and the bottom of the burger is bread.
00:38:02.000 So you'll get your bread in your burger.
00:38:05.000 Yeah, but only some of the burger's bread.
00:38:06.000 I didn't really need bread bread.
00:38:09.000 So then you get these five drinks and then you get your kids order sprites or whatever and you order your bud and now they come with your real food and there's nowhere to put it because there's fucking literally ten drinks on the table.
00:38:22.000 And they don't pick up your bud fast enough, I'm already on my second one.
00:38:25.000 So now there's 11 drinks on the table. 0.99
00:38:27.000 And they're showing up, then they do that stupid, that stupid Tetris puzzle where they move the bread here and this here. 0.99
00:38:33.000 Can you just take the waters? 1.00
00:38:35.000 I didn't ask for these.
00:38:37.000 You're giving me 200% of the beverages I need. 0.94
00:38:40.000 I couldn't even finish this if I was a lumberjack who had been busting my ass in the desert all day chopping down palm trees.
00:38:51.000 And it's hard to say no to because they do it so fast. 0.93
00:38:55.000 It's like they, it's like they get a commission on how much water is on the table.
00:38:58.000 So you have to go, no, no, no, no, no.
00:38:59.000 I don't want water.
00:39:00.000 Don't want water.
00:39:01.000 And then even my wife will go, what are you doing?
00:39:02.000 The kids want water.
00:39:03.000 No, they don't.
00:39:04.000 They're about to have too much Sprite.
00:39:07.000 In fact, what happens with the kids is they drink their Sprite.
00:39:09.000 It fills their bellies and then they're not hungry because they're full of Sprite.
00:39:15.000 So I go, don't, I don't even want the kids to have their Sprites until they're halfway done their meal. 1.00
00:39:22.000 Alright, two more pet peeves and then we gotta go.
00:39:27.000 I hate, and this is based on sexism, I hate how in movies and TV everyone has new clothes on.
00:39:35.000 They all have that shirt from Target that has no collar and three buttons on the top, you know, that sort of long underwear type shirt.
00:39:43.000 They all have a brand new shirt like that.
00:39:44.000 Every blue collar person has like a plaid jacket and a long underwear shirt with three buttons on the neck and it's, they're both brand new. 0.95
00:39:54.000 No frayed anything.
00:39:56.000 And I think it's because a movie set says, all right, we got to get some women in here. 1.00
00:40:01.000 Let's just make the stylist a woman. 1.00
00:40:03.000 And I think women want to get involved in movies and TV because, I don't know, they think, oh, having babies is gross. 1.00
00:40:08.000 I want a career.
00:40:09.000 I want to buy clothes, not for my kids, but for random actors. 0.97
00:40:13.000 So they become stylists, and they suck at it.
00:40:16.000 I think the worst stylist in America has got to be whoever dresses Tony Stark's. 0.99
00:40:22.000 Not Iron Man, but Tony Stark's obviously Iron Man's wearing a CGI robot suit, but the way What's-his-name dresses in the Avengers movies with his like parachute pants and his leather jacket with a black leather tie and shit? 0.99
00:40:38.000 He looks like a weird raving rapist snowboarder from the 90s. 0.99
00:40:44.000 He looks terrible. 1.00
00:40:46.000 He looks like a weird immigrant. 1.00
00:40:47.000 You know how like an Indian immigrant will go, I'm a cool guy.
00:40:50.000 And he'll have like his collar up and red leather pants and stuff.
00:40:53.000 And you go, dude, that's not how cool people dress here.
00:40:56.000 That's too 70s Hollywood.
00:40:59.000 He does that, but 90s.
00:41:01.000 He's like your mom trying to be cool in the 90s.
00:41:05.000 He looks so bad, but
00:41:08.000 And all his clothes are new.
00:41:09.000 Stylists are terrible at their job. 0.99
00:41:11.000 You know, back when stylists were good is when they were men, when they were fags, like Jaws. 1.00
00:41:18.000 Just scroll through Jaws and look at the outfits.
00:41:22.000 Richard Dreyfuss's denim tuxedo, Canadian tuxedo, denim jacket, denim pants, everything Rob Schneider wears in that movie.
00:41:30.000 I tried to copy it, his brown shirts with the white t-shirts, his little brown short shorts.
00:41:34.000 Even Quint looks amazing with his little bandana around his neck. 0.98
00:41:38.000 Also, I looked that up, it's a fag who's dead now. 1.00
00:41:43.000 Who else? 0.98
00:41:44.000 Look at Rosemary's Baby with, what's his name, Cassavetes.
00:41:50.000 Cassavetes and Rosemary's Baby is exquisite.
00:41:53.000 Every scene he has the best outfit I've ever seen in my life. 0.98
00:41:57.000 And so does what's-her-name, the one who gets raped by the devil. 0.93
00:41:59.000 She looks great too. 0.96
00:42:02.000 Don't take that sentence out of context. 0.99
00:42:05.000 That woman who was getting raped by the devil looked great the other night. 1.00
00:42:09.000 I loved her shawl. 1.00
00:42:13.000 Also, oh god, I bet you that was a male stylist, a homo. 1.00
00:42:18.000 See, ladies, we have everything covered. 0.99
00:42:20.000 Even the chick stuff, we have our gays do. 0.62
00:42:23.000 So you're not needed here, okay? 0.75
00:42:25.000 We'll handle us straights, we'll handle all the tough stuff, and then anything feminine, we'll have our gays handle with aplomb.
00:42:33.000 Oh god, Terry Gar in Oh God. 0.96
00:42:35.000 I can't talk about her, I'm gonna get a boner.
00:42:37.000 I'm gonna get a coconut smasher. 0.97
00:42:39.000 In fact, I even pronounced the word boner weird, because I was getting aroused, and that's why I said boner. 0.99
00:42:45.000 Have you got a boner? 0.88
00:42:47.000 Certain words English people may not say.
00:42:50.000 People in England, please never say the word boner. 0.76
00:42:54.000 Oh my god, he's got a boner! 0.97
00:42:56.000 Have you got a boner? 0.87
00:43:00.000 Peggy, come here! 1.00
00:43:01.000 You know that gentleman who was really horny?
00:43:04.000 That's another word they can't say. 0.97
00:43:06.000 He's got a boner now. 0.84
00:43:07.000 Look at his boner. 0.99
00:43:09.000 Oh my god, you can make out the contours of your boner. 0.99
00:43:13.000 It's really clear where the head is. 0.72
00:43:16.000 Oh my god, you should not wear silk pants.
00:43:20.000 I was trying to concentrate watching Dancing with the Stars, but I could see his boner. 0.94
00:43:25.000 He literally had a boner.
00:43:28.000 Oh my god, this is a really funny podcast.
00:43:31.000 Whatever I'm doing now, I gotta do it more.
00:43:34.000 I had a coffee, I walked the dog, I rode my bicycle to my son's school with him, and I had a pretty good night's sleep the night before.
00:43:45.000 Remember that formula.
00:43:46.000 Alright, last thing I hate.
00:43:49.000 Greeting women in the workplace.
00:43:54.000 Well, two things.
00:43:54.000 I don't like hugging women.
00:43:57.000 I like it in a sexual way, but I don't do that anymore because I'm married.
00:43:59.000 So why are we hugging? 0.98
00:44:01.000 And in L.A., everyone fucking hugs you like it's your honeymoon. 0.98
00:44:08.000 Hi! 0.99
00:44:08.000 They wrap their arms around your lower waist and pull you in like we're in Times Square and it's the end of World War II and you're a sailor about to dip me. 0.99
00:44:19.000 They really squeeze ya!
00:44:21.000 Oh, you look great!
00:44:23.000 They always say you look great, by the way. 1.00
00:44:24.000 And then you go to the mirror and you go, you fucking liar. 1.00
00:44:28.000 They're liars over there. 1.00
00:44:29.000 That is the common thread here, lying. 0.99
00:44:31.000 We're not gonna drink those waters on the table.
00:44:33.000 I think if you go back over this, you'll see everything in there is a lie.
00:44:37.000 Your feet aren't that hot.
00:44:38.000 You don't need flip-flops. 1.00
00:44:41.000 You're stepping in dog shit, you fucking pig. 1.00
00:44:45.000 And it's a lie to hug a woman. 1.00
00:44:47.000 What?
00:44:48.000 I mean, I don't know you.
00:44:51.000 Get your arms off of me. 1.00
00:44:52.000 And it's not a germ thing.
00:44:53.000 I don't care about germs.
00:44:54.000 I'll eat a sandwich off the ground right now for six bucks.
00:44:57.000 But the other thing in the workforce, and this is in New York and L.A., so the deal with women is, in business, you shake their hand the first time. 1.00
00:45:06.000 This is insane.
00:45:07.000 You shake their hand the first time you meet them.
00:45:09.000 Hi, how are you?
00:45:10.000 Hi, Jerry.
00:45:10.000 Hi, hi.
00:45:11.000 Hi, Maggie.
00:45:11.000 Hi.
00:45:12.000 And then, the next time you see them, you hug them in a very sort of distant way, not an L.A. 0.99
00:45:18.000 way, just sort of hands sort of on the shoulder blades, and then you go, and you kiss the air next to their fucking cheek. 0.99
00:45:23.000 What are we doing here? 0.99
00:45:25.000 What is this?
00:45:27.000 I love you now and now that we met and it's weird too when you're with two women where you've met her before and this is the first time you met this one so you go to the one you know and then you shake the hand the other one now shaking hands means I'm a solid dude and I don't have a knife that's actually the origins of it and I like it
00:45:47.000 You shake a man's hand, you feel how strong it is, and you go, alright, we're real deal dudes, yes.
00:45:51.000 You don't have a knife?
00:45:52.000 No.
00:45:52.000 Alright, let's get down to business, man.
00:45:53.000 I trust you, you trust me, we're men. 0.99
00:45:55.000 You got my back if this shit goes down, right? 1.00
00:45:57.000 Yeah, I got your back. 1.00
00:45:58.000 Alright.
00:45:59.000 Then you touch this little Tinseltown hand.
00:46:01.000 This little E.T.
00:46:03.000 Dead Kennedy's plastic surgery disaster's little Ethiopian starving child hand. 0.73
00:46:08.000 A woman's hand feels like a bird. 0.99
00:46:10.000 It's got these thin bones, and you reach down and you touch this ten-year-old boy's hand and you're like, Hey!
00:46:16.000 Pleasure to do business with you, lady! 0.97
00:46:18.000 You don't have a knife?
00:46:19.000 No, I don't have a- Hello?
00:46:20.000 I don't have a knife.
00:46:22.000 Alright, well let's get- ugh.
00:46:23.000 And then you're scared of crushing it? 1.00
00:46:25.000 It just feels so dumb! 1.00
00:46:27.000 I'm checking to see if this frail little bird has a fucking knife. 1.00
00:46:30.000 Birds don't have knives. 1.00
00:46:31.000 Dogs don't have knives.
00:46:32.000 Thank you for tuning in to this show.
00:46:34.000 Go to CRTV.com.
00:46:36.000 Sign up for Get Off My Lawn.
00:46:38.000 Use the passcode GAVIN to get in.
00:46:40.000 Plenty of wonderful shows there.
00:46:41.000 Stephen Crowder's a lark.
00:46:42.000 I was just on his show the other day. 0.97
00:46:44.000 All kinds of new shit coming in, so if you get in the door now, you'll get all these new shows. 0.98
00:46:49.000 They got drumming up. 0.98
00:46:50.000 We got big plans this year.
00:46:51.000 I cannot tell you about because it's a secret, but very exciting stuff on the horizon with CRTV.com.
00:46:59.000 It is growing exponentially, so lock yourself in for a year, and I will see you on Tuesday.