Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - April 27, 2018


Get Off My Lawn Podcast #45 | Did you know whales are dogs?

Topics
aquatic apes theory starlings in Central Park
Hosted by
Gavin McInnes
Mentioned
Scott Greer Shakespeare Superman Scotty Mark Maj Touré Justin Trudeau Peter Parker Chris Brown Joe Rogan Tacky Mag Lickahydrus Homophobic Superkid Avengers Humanity Scotsman Thompson Adderall Fortnite and 12 more
Get Off My Lawn Podcast #44 | Picking up garbage has nothing to do with helping the environment Get Off My Lawn #122 | Terror in Toronto

Episode Stats


Length

36 minutes

Words per minute

157.83

Word count

5,703

Sentence count

562

Harmful content

Misogyny

10

sentences flagged

Toxicity

143

sentences flagged

Hate speech

38

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

Did you know that whales are dogs? That's a weird thing to think about, but it's not so weird that it's funny, it's weird that they have a dog-like head and a whale-like tail. Also, I don't think the Chinese like dog meat, but maybe they do. And I think that's cool, but I'm not sure if it's cool enough to keep as a pet or not. I mean, I guess if you don't like dogs, you can have a cat or a dog, but that's about it. Anyway, I talk about this stuff a lot, and I hope you enjoy it, because it's a good one, because I think it's one of the most weird things I've ever said to people, and it's pretty cool. If you like weird things, you'll probably like this one too. Enjoy! Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Please rate, review, and subscribe to our podcast on Apple Podcasts! Subscribe, and tell a friend about this podcast if you like what you think of it! I'll be looking out for it on Anchor.fm and tell me what you thought of it in the comments section. XOXO, Caitlyn. Caitlyn's new album is out now! xoxo Caitlyn s new music is out on Soundcloud. Subscribe to our new album, "The Good, The Bad, the Good, the Bad, The Weird, the Weirdest, The Good, and The Weirdest" outtrope? Subscribe on Apple Music is out! Subscribe on Podchaser? Subscribe on iTunes Learn more about your ad preferences? Download MP3 Subscribe to my podcast on iTunes Subscribe on Stitcher.fm Subscribe on PODCAST? Subscribe to MySpace Subscribe on SoundCloud Subscribe on Pocketcasts? Leave a Review on Podcoin? Learn about yourself on iTunes Rate & Review on Reviewed by someone else's Story by clicking "Apostcode "I'm a Badass Girl" Subscribe on Itunes? I'm listening to it on iTunes or Share it on PodChronograsm? or share it on Review Itunes Send Me a Review On Itunes & Share It On Podcoin or Gotta Have It On Social Media? Subscribe To My Instance?

Transcript

Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 Did you know whales are dogs?
00:00:03.000 I like saying that to people because it freaks them out, but it's true. 0.61
00:00:07.000 That's really my job as a person who tells people stuff, that it has to be weird, right?
00:00:12.000 Like if I tell you, did you know the whales are soaked?
00:00:17.000 You'd go, thanks buddy.
00:00:18.000 Thanks for coming out.
00:00:20.000 Thanks for your input.
00:00:22.000 No, whales are dogs.
00:00:25.000 They started out as some weird wolf thing, Lickahydrus or something.
00:00:29.000 It just looks exactly like a wolf.
00:00:31.000 And over millions and millions and millions and millions of years, I don't know how many million, I think 50 million, I want to say.
00:00:38.000 So they're at the edge of the riverbed and they notice there's little guys there, crawfish and stuff. 0.94
00:00:44.000 Sucks them back.
00:00:45.000 But there's also minnows and stuff in the water. 0.99
00:00:48.000 Hold on a sec.
00:00:48.000 Sploosh, sploosh, sploosh, sploosh.
00:00:51.000 And they start getting in the water.
00:00:53.000 And then they start swimming around because there's even better fish even a little farther down.
00:00:58.000 So next thing you know, their paws have those little doohickeys in between their fingers, and now they're really swimming.
00:01:06.000 And then their long legs become less and less helpful, and so they start getting shorter, shorter, little stubby, like pterodactyl things, and little short stubby legs, and then their tail gets sort of flatter and wider, right?
00:01:19.000 The ones who are good at doing this breed more, that's how evolution works.
00:01:23.000 And the next thing you know, you kind of have a whale with a dog head.
00:01:29.000 Kind of.
00:01:30.000 There's one, that would be a cool time, out of those 50 million years, that would be a cool time to choose it as a pet.
00:01:36.000 If I was, oh my god, if I was a time traveler, I'd have the coolest pets.
00:01:40.000 What's that?
00:01:41.000 That's my pet whale dog.
00:01:42.000 I feed him pterodactyls.
00:01:45.000 So he would swim around, and then eventually his teeth got lamer and lamer, and then he just had like a few teeth, like a killer whale or something.
00:01:55.000 A lot of sea life aren't related to whales.
00:01:57.000 They're much closer to wolves than their fellow swimming guys.
00:02:03.000 Whales are dogs.
00:02:04.000 I mean, wait, did I just say whales?
00:02:07.000 Yeah, whales are wolves.
00:02:11.000 But I think, I've already talked about this on another one about the atheist existence for God, but I really believe that we're all just this magical toxic sludge that 1.00
00:02:22.000 We're good to go.
00:02:46.000 That weird micro-animal that could live in space and can last for millions of years.
00:02:51.000 You can't kill it, not even with a nuclear bomb.
00:02:53.000 It can turn to dust, be dead for a million years, and then just start up again.
00:02:58.000 It's like one of the smallest creatures in the world.
00:03:00.000 It's really cute.
00:03:01.000 Look it up, Water Bear.
00:03:01.000 It's called like a Tridegaga or something.
00:03:06.000 That is just, you're seeing a bit of pixie dust from the god magic.
00:03:12.000 And it's an abomination, by the way.
00:03:15.000 Like it's not meant to be.
00:03:16.000 We're sort of like a Christmas tree. 0.87
00:03:17.000 We're the angel at the top and then the rest are just silly decorations. 0.94
00:03:20.000 Like a hammerhead shark. 0.99
00:03:22.000 What the fuck is that? 1.00
00:03:24.000 You're a joke. 1.00
00:03:25.000 And when I look at my dog, my daughter's dog, I just think, you tangent. 0.97
00:03:32.000 You irrelevant accident.
00:03:35.000 I don't think, like it is beautiful in a sense that the magic sludge made a funny little guy, but I don't see it as like majestic, you know, the way a human being is.
00:03:46.000 That's an incredible creature.
00:03:49.000 I'm impressed with humans. 1.00
00:03:50.000 The rest are just shitty humans. 1.00
00:03:51.000 That's what animals are. 1.00
00:03:52.000 They're shitty humans. 1.00
00:03:53.000 I don't want them to die. 1.00
00:03:54.000 I don't want them to suffer.
00:03:55.000 I'm not saying that.
00:03:57.000 I don't think the Chinese are very cool for having the Yulin Dog Meat Festival and torturing not just dogs but all animals because it makes them taste better. 1.00
00:04:04.000 Which, by the way, China, isn't true.
00:04:07.000 You're putting adrenaline into their blood.
00:04:09.000 You're making their meat grosser.
00:04:12.000 How are the Chinese 40,000 years old? 1.00
00:04:15.000 Their culture goes back 40,000 years.
00:04:18.000 And they believe that torturing animals makes them yummy. 0.99
00:04:21.000 And some fucking weird whiskey bottle with a snake in it, it makes you magic. 0.99
00:04:26.000 And if you eat a bear's placenta, you somehow get an erection easier. 0.99
00:04:32.000 Are you guys not familiar with trial and error?
00:04:35.000 When I see those signs for foot people where you push on the baby toe and it cures your liver cancer,
00:04:42.000 I feel embarrassed.
00:04:44.000 Or at the Korean spa, where they have all these instructions on the side.
00:04:47.000 Like, this spa, this particular hot sauna room, uses gold particles to ex-iodize the air and your bloodstream.
00:04:56.000 And you're like, that's not true.
00:05:01.000 I love how everyone's such an atheist, yet they totally embrace everyone else's lies. 0.99
00:05:07.000 Yeah, you believe in a man in the sky, I believe in astrology.
00:05:11.000 Okay, the man in the sky has plenty to back it up with scientists, and Catholicism and scientists have been in bed together for a long time.
00:05:21.000 But your astrology thing is based on where we thought the stars were a long time ago, and we've since realized that we were just off like a month.
00:05:31.000 So you're not your sign.
00:05:34.000 And astrology has been disproven a million times, but anyway.
00:05:40.000 I'm thinking about this evolution and stuff and I'm daring to consider, this is a very Joe Rogany type of subject that I'm not that well educated on, but you ever hear this aquatic apes theory?
00:05:52.000 That there was a while where the earth was flooded or a lot of it was flooded and a large contingent of humans had to learn to sink or swim and climb trees and that separated us from apes. 0.67
00:06:07.000 So I guess it's saying
00:06:09.000 That we took a side road on evolution and the apes went their own way and now we're very much unlike them.
00:06:17.000 And it's a theory that gets laughed at a lot, I should mention.
00:06:21.000 It's kind of flat-earthy in the evolutionary scene.
00:06:24.000 But I think there's a lot of merit to it.
00:06:28.000 For example, what about this?
00:06:30.000 Apes are scared shitless of water.
00:06:32.000 All you have to do to keep an ape somewhere is put a moat around him. 0.74
00:06:38.000 Boom, done.
00:06:38.000 It could be three inches deep, they freak out.
00:06:42.000 You throw a baby orangutan in the water, he sinks to the ground.
00:06:45.000 Put a baby in the water, he's swimming away, no problem.
00:06:48.000 And I've always lived near water.
00:06:50.000 Montreal, Ottawa, even in Glasgow we had the River Clyde.
00:06:56.000 In the suburbs I got to be around the water.
00:06:58.000 In New York I was right on the East River.
00:07:02.000 Not that I approve theories about human evolution, but humans like being near water.
00:07:06.000 That's why real estate's more expensive there.
00:07:08.000 Rich people buy pools.
00:07:11.000 And that's not ape-like.
00:07:16.000 Also, where'd our hair go?
00:07:18.000 Also, why are we so smart?
00:07:20.000 I had a crazy theory about why we're so smart that I'll get to in a second.
00:07:24.000 That's way even crazier than this one. 0.99
00:07:26.000 I think we may have become smart from eating dicks. 0.90
00:07:32.000 But to get back to the water thing, so there's some 0.98
00:07:37.000 I think that's a pretty good theory.
00:07:52.000 Now to get back to my crazy theory, so apes just eat tons and tons and tons of plants, right?
00:07:58.000 And if you tried to keep up with an ape, you would starve to death.
00:08:02.000 We're greedier than that.
00:08:03.000 Our bodies need protein, not in the same way that apes do. 1.00
00:08:06.000 They're fine with a big pile of grass all day, but they still have to eat for like half the day.
00:08:12.000 But we developed this need for protein, and protein is what made us smarter than everyone else.
00:08:17.000 That doesn't hurt my fish theory, by the way.
00:08:19.000 So how do we start eating meat, you ask?
00:08:23.000 Okay, here's where it gets kooky.
00:08:26.000 We were obviously fighting from day one, and if you ever get attacked by an ape, I hope you don't, or a monkey, the thing they do is they bite your heels off, they bite your face, and they also bite your crotch. 0.62
00:08:40.000 Now, I just made this up.
00:08:43.000 Not right now, but I mean, this isn't based on anyone else's theory. 0.99
00:08:48.000 What if, while, you know, one of the alphas in the tribe was fighting another human, he bit his dick off and swallowed it? 0.98
00:08:55.000 And then he started, like, feeling pretty good the next day, because he had a nice big protein dose. 1.00
00:09:02.000 And, you know, over several centuries, the ones who would end up swallowing the dick, and you are biting someone's... I mean, if you're an animal, biting a penis is a great way to win a fight. 0.99
00:09:14.000 You bite a shoulder? 1.00
00:09:15.000 Go ahead. 0.98
00:09:15.000 Anyone listening right now, bite my shoulder next time you see me. 0.98
00:09:17.000 I don't care. 1.00
00:09:18.000 My penis? 1.00
00:09:19.000 Dude, please do not do that. 1.00
00:09:21.000 And you bite enough dicks, one's gonna fall off. 0.99
00:09:25.000 So, someone swallowed it. 0.99
00:09:26.000 And then he became stronger, was able to reproduce more.
00:09:28.000 Next thing you know, we eat.
00:09:30.000 We probably started as cannibals.
00:09:33.000 And then the cannibals go, uh... 1.00
00:09:35.000 This guy got mad when I ate his sister.
00:09:36.000 I don't want to eat people anymore.
00:09:37.000 We're getting smarter and more civilized.
00:09:39.000 Let's just eat animals.
00:09:40.000 And then the next thing you know, they discovered fire.
00:09:42.000 Fire cooks your food first, so it's not hard to digest, because it's already, you know, the fire already did all the hard work, and killed all the bacteria, etc. 0.99
00:09:51.000 Next thing you know, you're a fucking awesome human. 0.95
00:09:54.000 Now, there still could have been a water phase in there. 0.99
00:09:57.000 Did you ever hear of this tribe?
00:10:00.000 The, uh... Bad... Badjoe?
00:10:04.000 Yeah, B-A-D-G-J-A-O. 1.00
00:10:07.000 B-A-D-J-A-O. 1.00
00:10:09.000 Badjao.
00:10:10.000 They're in the Philippines.
00:10:11.000 They're not fans of the ground.
00:10:13.000 They only come to land to bury their dead or get drinking water.
00:10:20.000 But they are out at sea 90% of the time, 95% of the time, on these little boats. 0.99
00:10:27.000 And that's not a limited amount of space for them because they spend most of their time under fucking water. 0.98
00:10:34.000 They can hold their breath for five minutes. 0.99
00:10:37.000 I think some can do 10 minutes.
00:10:39.000 And I mean, that's insane, right?
00:10:42.000 That's probably like world record stuff.
00:10:43.000 But that's not even the crazy part.
00:10:45.000 The crazy part is the way they can swim down, you know, 50 feet down.
00:10:50.000 100 feet down.
00:10:51.000 And then, so they now have no lung capacity, because the pressure, the water pressure shrinks your lungs.
00:10:58.000 So now they have baby's lungs.
00:11:00.000 They're still fine, holding their breath.
00:11:03.000 And I don't get this part, but they can just walk on the ground in the ocean. 0.99
00:11:08.000 They can fucking whistle. 0.99
00:11:10.000 They make a bubble with their mouth and then whistle in the bubble. 1.00
00:11:15.000 No, I'm just kidding.
00:11:15.000 They can't whistle.
00:11:18.000 That's how you whistle underwater.
00:11:19.000 You ever do that with your brother?
00:11:20.000 You go underwater because you're an aquatic ape and you say, can you hear this? 1.00
00:11:25.000 And then you go underwater and you go something like, fuck you! 1.00
00:11:29.000 And then you come back up and you see what the other guy said. 1.00
00:11:32.000 And so it was like, you said bad Jew? 1.00
00:11:34.000 No, I said, fuck you. 1.00
00:11:35.000 Oh, okay. 1.00
00:11:36.000 Let's try again.
00:11:37.000 What?
00:11:42.000 Another fun game I played with my brother in the pool was slow motion fighting.
00:11:48.000 The guy punches you, and then you slowly fall back into the water.
00:11:54.000 It's fun.
00:11:55.000 I guess that's ballet.
00:11:57.000 We were just doing that gay Brazilian jiu-jitsu, capacue thing, where you dance fight. 0.99
00:12:07.000 If you are into Trap-a-goo Brazilian dance, you're gayer than a homosexual. 1.00
00:12:13.000 With your little swirly kicks. 0.99
00:12:13.000 I'm sorry. 0.99
00:12:19.000 So these guys, they can fish walking on the water, walking on the, sorry, the ocean floor.
00:12:25.000 And then they catch their fish, they come back up.
00:12:27.000 And here's another crazy thing they can do with their pupils.
00:12:30.000 They can dilate them.
00:12:33.000 And they can see perfectly crystal clear under the water.
00:12:39.000 Isn't that a trip?
00:12:42.000 Because apparently our eyes dilate or something and that's why it looks so blurry underwater.
00:12:46.000 They can control this, physically change it and look normal in the water and see things and go hunting for fish without goggles on.
00:12:56.000 I wouldn't even call it fishing.
00:12:59.000 It's hunting.
00:13:05.000 Oh, here's another thing, too, I forgot.
00:13:07.000 Why do we have these little things in between our fingers?
00:13:12.000 I don't think apes have those.
00:13:13.000 I think an ape's finger just goes into the hand. 0.98
00:13:17.000 But we've got this webbing here.
00:13:19.000 Isn't that suspicious?
00:13:20.000 Or also, our noses.
00:13:22.000 Why are our noses streamlined?
00:13:24.000 That doesn't make sense.
00:13:25.000 What, we don't want to get rain in our nostrils?
00:13:27.000 Apes don't have that. 0.77
00:13:30.000 It could be it was developed to become more, you know, swimmy.
00:13:35.000 Babies are born able to swim, not swim swim, but they won't sink to the ground.
00:13:39.000 You got a few seconds to grab them.
00:13:43.000 I don't know.
00:13:44.000 Sometimes when I'm swimming around...
00:13:46.000 I think this feels right.
00:13:47.000 And you ever have a brutal hangover and then you go jump in the lake?
00:13:51.000 Endorphins are released.
00:13:52.000 You just feel like a better person.
00:13:54.000 It's like a cleansing.
00:13:55.000 Ooh, maybe that's the origin of baptism.
00:13:58.000 Maybe we recognize this innate connection with the water and we feel reborn after we go for a swim and we think, let's identify with that and make it part of our religious rituals with God.
00:14:10.000 And we'll make baptism a thing.
00:14:13.000 Maybe baptism
00:14:15.000 Is a subliminal allusion, A-L-L-U-S-I-O-N, to our water history?
00:14:25.000 Again, this is all maybe.
00:14:28.000 But I am positive that we started out as Toxic Sludge.
00:14:32.000 And it's the same as Marvel Comics.
00:14:34.000 Whenever you hear it, look up origins of any guy.
00:14:37.000 I did this for a Tacky Mag article once.
00:14:40.000 I don't actually care about superheroes. 1.00
00:14:42.000 Goddammit, all this fucking... 1.00
00:14:45.000 Yeah, The Avengers needs more gay characters. 1.00
00:14:49.000 It's a show for children. 1.00
00:14:52.000 Hey America, stop wearing helmets on the ski hill and stop talking about fucking superheroes! 1.00
00:15:02.000 Superheroes are even lame for kids. 1.00
00:15:05.000 This is what superheroes are for.
00:15:07.000 Little boys, okay, they get excited when they start, you know, get like four or five because they notice they're stronger and they're more dexterous and they can jump and run and lift things they couldn't normally lift.
00:15:18.000 They feel super.
00:15:19.000 And so, they like looking at superheroes because they go, yeah, that's what I'm screaming.
00:15:25.000 I feel like Superkid.
00:15:26.000 And then they put on a cape and they fly around and they feel empowered. 0.99
00:15:30.000 It must be like if you're a brutal alcoholic and you come out of AA and you're just like, fuck, I can finally think in the mornings. 0.99
00:15:38.000 I'm not barfing. 1.00
00:15:39.000 I don't have a headache.
00:15:41.000 Yeah, I'm Superman.
00:15:42.000 I want to put on a suit.
00:15:44.000 Then, so that's like six to seven, eight, maybe, yeah, not even nine.
00:15:50.000 You shouldn't be in a Super Heroes when you're nine.
00:15:51.000 Now, there are nine-year-olds in a Super Heroes.
00:15:53.000 They're called nerds. 0.98
00:15:54.000 They're losers, and I feel sorry for them. 0.99
00:15:56.000 And these are guys like Peter Parker who get picked on. 0.98
00:15:59.000 Now, they need to release.
00:16:02.000 They need some sort of therapy for that.
00:16:04.000 And the therapy is, alright, what about this? 1.00
00:16:07.000 They shove you, if they only knew that you were a spider-man who could fuckin' shoot shit in their face and like jump over them and web them to a wall. 0.99
00:16:21.000 Yeah, that's it. 1.00
00:16:21.000 You could web them to a wall and then fly away on your webs. 1.00
00:16:26.000 I don't know.
00:16:49.000 10, then we have to stop.
00:16:51.000 We're stopping now.
00:16:52.000 I don't care how much you get bullied, you may not be into superheroes after 10 years old. 1.00
00:16:57.000 Come the fuck on. 0.99
00:16:59.000 The fact that everywhere I look, I see grown men wearing Wolverine shirts and Black Panther shirts and Superman tattoos is fucking embarrassing. 1.00
00:17:08.000 I'm not even, like flip-flops make me mad. 0.93
00:17:11.000 But when I see that you're into superheroes as an adult, I feel sad.
00:17:16.000 It's like looking at a virgin.
00:17:18.000 And oftentimes it is the same thing.
00:17:20.000 So to sit there writing essays about the Avengers and how I'm kind of disappointed in the story arc of Thor.
00:17:29.000 Thor, you mean that the Norse god who's somehow hanging out with other people that have toxic sludge on them? 1.00
00:17:35.000 Fuck you. 1.00
00:17:39.000 It's like it's worse than astrology even. 1.00
00:17:42.000 But, yeah, if you look up Marvel comics and stuff, you'll see that they all got a bit of sludge on them.
00:17:49.000 And Daredevil, for example, there was a toxic sludge truck, radioactive waste truck, and it turned a corner in the Bronx or something, and it splashed his eyes.
00:17:58.000 So he's blind now, but he's a super guy.
00:18:01.000 Hulk was a nuclear bomb.
00:18:03.000 That's how he got so freaky.
00:18:06.000 Pretty much all of them, there was some sort of radioactive waste.
00:18:10.000 The Flash, he was getting a bunch of chemicals and there was a lightning storm and it knocked over all the chemicals on him and he was super fast.
00:18:16.000 I guess that's not radioactive waste, but that's how I see life.
00:18:22.000 There was this creature, I looked him up for this podcast because I wanted it to be ready and of course I don't have it fucking ready, but there's our oldest living relative 0.56
00:18:33.000 is this bizarre-looking Pac-Man thing. 0.50
00:18:36.000 Here we go.
00:18:37.000 Humanity's earliest known ancestor discovered, and it looks like a wrinkled old sack. 0.63
00:18:41.000 It looks like if your bag was Pac-Man, and also a monster from the shape of water.
00:18:51.000 And it's called the Sac Orhitus Coronarius.
00:18:58.000 So, in this little Pac-Man,
00:19:01.000 Was the magic juice.
00:19:03.000 And that magic thing went off and eventually became the G-Dog sitting here talking to you on mind-blowing technology that is the size of an iPhone, by the way.
00:19:12.000 I'm talking into this, what is it, Zcom thing with a microphone. 0.99
00:19:17.000 The microphone is the size of my hand and the little recording device is even smaller and then it just records.
00:19:23.000 Unbelievable technology.
00:19:25.000 And that all started with this hideous little Pac-Man.
00:19:28.000 But everything else is an abomination.
00:19:32.000 And I don't really want to kill it.
00:19:34.000 I mean, I think you should, hunting is great, especially if you, if you eat the food.
00:19:40.000 So I'm not, I am conceding that they're lesser than us, but that doesn't condone violence against animals.
00:19:45.000 We don't beat kids because they're not as good as us.
00:19:48.000 Although we did in the 50s, right?
00:19:50.000 Hold on, I'm going to take a swig.
00:19:58.000 Oh Jesus Christ!
00:20:01.000 I'm drinking Makers out of this giant, you know, industrial party-sized bottle.
00:20:07.000 And even just like a little sip is so disgusting.
00:20:09.000 I don't know what it is.
00:20:11.000 But it's got that pouring thing on the end so that you don't get too much at once.
00:20:15.000 And there's something about drinking from a bottle that big.
00:20:17.000 I guess it's what dying alcoholics do.
00:20:21.000 It just seems profoundly sad.
00:20:24.000 I'm in D.C.
00:20:25.000 recording this.
00:20:25.000 I'm doing my show, CRTV, tonight, tonight.
00:20:28.000 And we're not going to talk about evolution.
00:20:31.000 The reason I went off on this tangent, by the way, is because I met a guy on the street who looks like a water bear.
00:20:36.000 I gotta look that up.
00:20:37.000 You gotta see these things.
00:20:38.000 They're called tardigrades. 1.00
00:20:41.000 He looks like a tardigrade. 1.00
00:20:43.000 And it got me thinking about evolution and how, you know, in a way it's not very efficient.
00:20:50.000 It's sort of like God spilled a large glass.
00:20:56.000 And the very farthest point there's human, right?
00:21:00.000 Good job!
00:21:01.000 You did it! 1.00
00:21:02.000 But look at all the crap you made! 1.00
00:21:04.000 Seals, and pygmy shrews, and storks, and... 1.00
00:21:10.000 Those are like, birds are just dinosaurs that were winning for a while, and then there was the Ice Age, and then we became, the mammals went underground, then hamsters were everywhere, and then all the dinosaurs died out, and they became these tiny little birds, and then we came out of the tunnels as hamsters, and then we slowly developed into human beings, and we went, ha ha, fuck you birds, who's laughing now? 0.99
00:21:32.000 I'm so Scottish and so loyal that I don't like birds. 0.99
00:21:37.000 And I swear to God, when I see a bird flying around, I sort of look at him as an adversary, because I remember from 50 million years ago when you guys were fucking with us, trying to kill us. 0.98
00:21:51.000 And just because you're small now doesn't mean I forgot. 0.98
00:21:54.000 About all the fellow mammals of mine that you ate.
00:21:58.000 It's like when the Scots see the English. 0.93
00:22:00.000 See yous people!
00:22:02.000 See you birds!
00:22:04.000 I didn't forget what you did to us.
00:22:06.000 And I never will. 1.00
00:22:08.000 I see you, you wee bastard. 1.00
00:22:10.000 And I know that you wouldn't hesitate to peck my bloody head in. 1.00
00:22:16.000 I know how evil you- And they are fucking evil! 1.00
00:22:21.000 Starlings? 1.00
00:22:23.000 They'll just kick you out of your nest. 0.99
00:22:24.000 They're not meant to be here, you know.
00:22:26.000 You know the whole story with birds? 0.99
00:22:28.000 Some asshole said, I think it would be absolutely cherishable. 0.98
00:22:32.000 I think it would be fantastic if we were to import every bird that's in Shakespeare and put them in Central Park and they could all fly around. 0.99
00:22:42.000 And what, you think they'd just stay in Central Park?
00:22:45.000 You know they have wings, right?
00:22:47.000 Oh, it would be marvelous.
00:22:49.000 There'd be so many different types.
00:22:50.000 I think I'll start with the starling.
00:22:52.000 Now, 0.92
00:22:54.000 This is kind of a potentially offensive thing to say, but some people say the Europeans came here and destroyed the indigenous peoples and that's because they're evil and they're rapists and, you know, built on slavery, all that stuff.
00:23:06.000 It's also possible that Europeans just did well because they had survived harsher conditions.
00:23:13.000 They survived Siberian winters.
00:23:15.000 So they came to North America and went, this is a cinch.
00:23:19.000 I don't know.
00:23:20.000 It's not as cold down here.
00:23:21.000 Florida is easy to survive in.
00:23:23.000 And then the next thing you know, they dominate the entire continent.
00:23:27.000 Because that's what happened with Starlings.
00:23:29.000 They had survived the Siberian winters.
00:23:31.000 They were ruthless survivors.
00:23:33.000 They just kill other birds, take other birds home, destroy other birds' eggs. 0.98
00:23:38.000 And I think there was like 150 introduced with this Shakespeare fag. 1.00
00:23:42.000 Now, sorry, racial. 0.98
00:23:44.000 I mean, what is that?
00:23:45.000 What kind of offensive is that?
00:23:46.000 Homophobic slur.
00:23:49.000 I meant it in the British sense.
00:23:51.000 And now I think there's something like a million.
00:23:53.000 Let me just look this up.
00:23:55.000 Starlings.
00:23:57.000 How many starlings are in the U.S.?
00:23:59.000 150 million.
00:24:00.000 That guy originally released 35 pairs. 0.88
00:24:08.000 And they just took over because they're monsters. 0.81
00:24:10.000 They're beasts. 1.00
00:24:12.000 They're evil. 0.95
00:24:15.000 Don't trust birds.
00:24:16.000 If they could get back up to their... And by the way, they're discovering now that dinosaurs didn't have scales.
00:24:23.000 They had like a wet sort of feathery type of a texture.
00:24:26.000 Like maybe if a sea lion had wet feathers on them.
00:24:30.000 So they looked kind of like birds back then.
00:24:33.000 But if these guys get back up... 1.00
00:24:34.000 And I wouldn't be surprised if in the next 50 million years, these guys get back up to their big size, they're going to kick our fucking asses. 1.00
00:24:43.000 So watch your back. 1.00
00:24:45.000 And birds, if you're listening to this, you watch your back.
00:24:50.000 Because some of us haven't forgotten the days when we were hamsters, burrowing around in those little tunnels, hiding in the darkness, eating dirt. 0.99
00:25:01.000 Waiting for our time to strike while we struck and you suck. 0.98
00:25:05.000 I think I'm going to have to cut it short here. 0.99
00:25:13.000 I have to go.
00:25:14.000 I'm going to go to a Daily Caller party.
00:25:15.000 I got this guy, Scott Greer, on my show who works there.
00:25:19.000 And I said, let's go grab a beer.
00:25:20.000 And he goes, oh, I have a work thing.
00:25:23.000 And then I go, well, you work at Daily Caller.
00:25:26.000 There's a Daily Caller party.
00:25:28.000 Oh, yeah, I don't know if I can get you tickets.
00:25:30.000 Oh, I got tickets, Scott.
00:25:32.000 I got tickets.
00:25:34.000 But why didn't you offer me some?
00:25:36.000 Are you worried that I'm too, uh, what's the word?
00:25:40.000 Controversial?
00:25:42.000 That I might damage the Daily Caller's rep?
00:25:45.000 Is that what's going on here?
00:25:48.000 That's the life of a Scotsman, by the way.
00:25:50.000 A genetic Scotsman who never even really lived there.
00:25:54.000 We're constantly like, oh really?
00:25:56.000 Is that what's happening?
00:25:58.000 Meanwhile, Scott was like, oh man, love you to come.
00:26:00.000 I can't get tickets.
00:26:00.000 Probably gonna be boring.
00:26:01.000 I'll meet you later.
00:26:02.000 And I'm like, no, no, no, Scotty.
00:26:05.000 I'm going to come to your party and I'm going to stick to yous like glue.
00:26:10.000 Uh, OK, fine.
00:26:12.000 I'm looking forward to seeing you there.
00:26:13.000 Oh, yes.
00:26:15.000 Yes, you are looking forward to seeing me, wee Scotty. 0.99
00:26:18.000 Because you're going to see nothing but me the whole fucking time, pal. 0.99
00:26:24.000 Yes. 0.99
00:26:25.000 I'm in your sights and I know.
00:26:30.000 I've had so many fights with people who don't even know.
00:26:32.000 Did you ever do that? 0.99
00:26:34.000 Like, you're on vacation and you see someone and you go, I fucking hate that guy. 0.94
00:26:38.000 And he's just like, doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo. 0.99
00:26:41.000 Hey Sandy, come over here. 0.90
00:26:42.000 Playing with his daughter, having a great time.
00:26:44.000 And you just like, something will set you off. 1.00
00:26:46.000 Put on like his shoes and you'll just think, I hope you rot in hell. 1.00
00:26:49.000 And then eventually you'll meet 0.99
00:26:51.000 Like, you know, four days in, oh, Mark, this is the Gavin guy I was talking about.
00:26:56.000 And you'll go, well, hello, Mark.
00:26:59.000 It's like, Newman.
00:27:01.000 It's like, we finally meet.
00:27:02.000 Hi, how you doing?
00:27:04.000 Fine. 1.00
00:27:05.000 How are you, you son of a bitch? 1.00
00:27:10.000 Or driving, too. 1.00
00:27:12.000 Like, someone will just be driving, and they'll get too close to me, and I'll think, oh, really, you son of a bitch? 1.00
00:27:17.000 Then I'll drive next to him, and then I'll get in front of him. 0.99
00:27:20.000 And then slow down, then he'll have to come around me.
00:27:23.000 And for all I know, the guy's on a call.
00:27:26.000 To his twin brother, Artie.
00:27:57.000 And, you know, you've never had any interaction with this one, but in the past hour, you've fallen madly in love, had babies, escaped to Hawaii, fallen out of love, gotten in a huge fight, had a divorce, she tried to kill you, and now you HATE her.
00:28:12.000 So you just walk out going, GOODBYE VERONICA.
00:28:16.000 She's like, that's not my name, who are you? 1.00
00:28:18.000 Oh yeah, fine, you're dead to me too, bitch. 1.00
00:28:25.000 Ugh, I'm like a starling. 1.00
00:28:28.000 You know these other birds, right?
00:28:30.000 Go look up how evil birds are.
00:28:32.000 I think Cracked Magazine did a good article about it.
00:28:34.000 These birds, they know that women with lots of eggs, like actual eggs, are attractive to men, so they'll go up to her and smash all her eggs, kill all her babies, so she's not as attractive. 1.00
00:28:48.000 That's not really a mammal thing.
00:28:51.000 We don't really do that on our side of the fence.
00:28:55.000 But these Scots, after warring with the English for 800 years, were a cantankerous bunch. 0.95
00:29:00.000 And that's why the Canadians, they're very polite and everything.
00:29:03.000 They're noble.
00:29:04.000 They're Scottish, by the way.
00:29:05.000 This whole idea of Canada being multicultural, it's been multicultural since Justin Trudeau's dad, which was in the 70s.
00:29:12.000 The history of Canada is Scots. 0.99
00:29:13.000 And Scots are polite because they're noble people, but they're also extremely violent. 1.00
00:29:18.000 So people don't get that about Canadians.
00:29:19.000 They'll fight you.
00:29:20.000 But they'll say sorry.
00:29:21.000 Sorry.
00:29:23.000 But yeah, these Siberian winters, and then the Vikings, and then the wars with the English, it's turned us into a real vindictive bunch. 0.99
00:29:34.000 I'm a real cocksucker when it comes to an enemy. 0.99
00:29:37.000 I have this shit list in my head, and I'm going to get these people. 1.00
00:29:41.000 It might not be tomorrow, but you will be lying at your retirement home 1.00
00:29:46.000 With your dead husband, he's gone, and you're just there sunbathing, and I'm gonna come up to you with a super gulp full of diarrhea and just throw it on your face. 1.00
00:29:54.000 And I'll say, that was for that frivolous lawsuit in 2000, you cunt. 1.00
00:30:00.000 And she'll say, I have no idea what that man was talking about! 1.00
00:30:05.000 He's not my knight in shining armor anymore!
00:30:10.000 Maybe I'll seduce her at the old age home and then just break her heart. 1.00
00:30:14.000 No, cup of diary is way better.
00:30:16.000 Anyway, that is the show for today.
00:30:19.000 Today was about evolution.
00:30:21.000 Whales were dogs and we're still evolving.
00:30:26.000 I remember in Mrs. Thompson's class, I was in a class for retards in the seventh grade because I had trouble with behavior. 1.00
00:30:34.000 And we were talking about evolution and I said, are we done with evolution?
00:30:39.000 Meaning, are we still evolving?
00:30:40.000 Like, are we going to be more erect?
00:30:42.000 Are we going to get taller?
00:30:45.000 And she said, Mr. McInnis, we will be discussing evolution for as long as I see fit.
00:30:51.000 I am the one who decides when we're done with subjects in this class, not you.
00:30:55.000 And you are going to the principal, young man.
00:30:57.000 Goodbye!
00:30:58.000 And she sent me to the principal's office.
00:31:01.000 OK, that's a lie.
00:31:03.000 She sent me to the hall.
00:31:04.000 But the story seems better at the principal's office, doesn't it?
00:31:10.000 Yes, I think it takes about, I keep saying it's over and then I keep blabbing, but of course it takes 50 million years to turn a wolf into a dog.
00:31:20.000 I think it takes a couple hundred years, 200 years for people to change.
00:31:25.000 Maybe the Chinese are so weird about all this stuff because Mao exterminated all the creative ones and he altered the entire country's billion person DNA and now they are more prone to robotic behavior generally. 0.98
00:31:40.000 Thanks to Mao's gigantic genetic experiment of murdering 70 million people.
00:31:48.000 Who knows?
00:31:48.000 The point is that people change.
00:31:53.000 And I think it's inevitable that you are who you are.
00:32:00.000 And the West has evolved to be
00:32:04.000 A place that enjoys freedom and meritocracy and isn't into socialism and trying to right wrongs via the state.
00:32:12.000 I think that's a genetic, natural trait and it comes from Siberian winters and lots of wars and fighting.
00:32:18.000 So we got to a good place here.
00:32:20.000 Hammerhead sharks, on the other hand, not a good place.
00:32:24.000 No.
00:32:24.000 Pygmy shrews, they got to eat something like twice their body weight a day to live.
00:32:28.000 They're constantly running around like they're on Adderall and someone just shot a gun in the room.
00:32:33.000 No.
00:32:34.000 Shitty life.
00:32:35.000 Deer, they got the gangrenous sores when it's spring because they haven't been eating and they got maggots falling out of cuts on their legs.
00:32:43.000 No.
00:32:44.000 Moose,
00:32:46.000 Jumping up and down in the cutover because the black flies are driving them insane?
00:32:50.000 They're having a nervous breakdown again second time that week?
00:32:54.000 No, not so great.
00:32:56.000 Humans are the best and the West features the best humans.
00:33:01.000 And you're perfectly welcome to come here and enjoy that if you agree with me.
00:33:05.000 So yeah, CRTV Tonight is on tonight, 9 o'clock.
00:33:10.000 We got Maj Touré of Black Guns Matter. 0.91
00:33:14.000 We got Scott Greer from Daily Caller, whom I'm about to terrorize.
00:33:21.000 What else do we have?
00:33:22.000 We got Amanda House from Breitbart.
00:33:24.000 She's also on Sirius Radio.
00:33:28.000 On Sundays, he does the Patriot Radio Show, which is also Breitbart.
00:33:35.000 And we have Chris Barron. 0.64
00:33:37.000 He's a remarkably handsome, homosexual, conservative strategist.
00:33:40.000 He'll be here too.
00:33:41.000 So those three white folks are on the panel.
00:33:43.000 And then I'm going to sit down with Maj Torre at the bar.
00:33:47.000 We've got a bar in the studio.
00:33:48.000 And just talk to him about two things that I think are related.
00:33:51.000 One,
00:33:53.000 Is there a seismic shift going on in the black community and in pop culture with Candace Owens getting a shout out from Kanye West and with Chance the Rapper saying you don't have to be Democrat? 0.57
00:34:02.000 Is this just a silly fad that's irrelevant or are there blacks leaving the progressive plantation, as Candace says? 0.94
00:34:10.000 Secondly, why do black guns matter? 0.99
00:34:13.000 Why do you want guns in the hood? 0.99
00:34:14.000 Why should black people, especially poor blacks in South Philly, be 1.00
00:34:21.000 Supporting the Second Amendment and wanting guns, legal guns, in their homes. 0.97
00:34:25.000 Obviously you know the answer, but I think both of those are related and I can glue them together with the sort of thought policing that goes on with the left and with blacks coming from the left. 0.98
00:34:38.000 Sorry, the thought policing is what's coming from the left. 0.82
00:34:42.000 I think the left sees blacks as pets, and when the pets misbehave, like when they voted against Prop 8 in California, they get very mad. 0.93
00:34:49.000 They want to scold their dogs. 0.91
00:34:50.000 They don't see them as peers.
00:34:52.000 They put them on a pedestal, but it's a fake pedestal.
00:34:54.000 It's like when you buy your dog, like, a little coat, and he has a little fur chair, and you get him all kinds of... a cool spa thing.
00:35:01.000 You don't really think of him as better than you.
00:35:04.000 If he misbehaves, he's in big trouble.
00:35:06.000 And that's, I think, the way the left sees African-American people of color.
00:35:12.000 AAPOX.
00:35:13.000 APOX. 0.64
00:35:15.000 By the way, Europeans, we are now called...
00:35:19.000 European... Wait, I wrote it down.
00:35:24.000 I made it a tweet.
00:35:25.000 It's a new... It's a new... God, is this booze affecting me?
00:35:31.000 I'm winding up the show here, folks.
00:35:33.000 Eucharist.
00:35:35.000 Yeah, that's it.
00:35:36.000 Yeah, white. 0.88
00:35:37.000 I don't want to be called white anymore.
00:35:38.000 I want us to be called Caucasoid Europeans of the Eucharist. 1.00
00:35:43.000 Or the abbreviation for that is cocksuckers. 0.96
00:35:46.000 That's the proper term for Whites Now. 1.00
00:35:49.000 Thank you for tuning in.
00:35:51.000 Please go to CRTV.com to sign up for Get Off My Lawn.
00:35:54.000 That's now four days a week, and then two days a week when we have CRTV Tonight.
00:36:01.000 I know it's very complicated, but it also goes on a Fortnite cycle, and Fortnite is the most popular video game in the country right now.