Gavin explains his new diet and why he doesn t want to go to The Penises Drops on Thursday. He also talks about the new economy in Britain and why the poor are getting fat on welfare. And he explains why he wants to starve himself to death to make sure the family eats together. And he talks about how he doesn't want to be invited into the green room anymore. This episode was produced by Alex Blumberg and edited by Annie-Rose Strasser. It was mixed by Matthew Boll. Our theme song is Come Alone by The Weakerthans courtesy of Lotuspool Records. The album art for this episode was done by Dee McDonnell and was mixed and mixed by Patrick Muldowney. It was edited by Bobby Lord. Special thanks to Caitlin Durante. Music by Jeff Kaale. Art: Mackenzie Moore Music: Hayden Coplen Editor: Will Witwer Mixing: Haley Shaw Additional mixing and mastering: Matthew Boll Art Direction: Patrick McElroy Jeff Kaplan Steve Kwan Mike McLaughlin Matt Newell Bobby Lord John Rocha Matthew McElory James Herrell Ben Kaczewski Michael McLennan Patrick McKirdy Jake Chapman Paul Kasinski Daniel Baugh Julian Wolfe Ian Brodsky Morello Jack Williams Chris McElmore Dan Kotchick Chad Kacch Peter McElton Alex Blanchard Joe Pesci , Isamu & more! and more . And so much more ...and much more. Thank you for listening to this episode (featuring a song written by Ben Korsch ) Thanks to the amazing people who sent us out on this episode of the podcast, and the amazing work done by the band - and , and in tribute to the band The Penis Drops is a tribute song by the amazing thanks to the late, great thanks to our good vibes and the band, and the beautiful people who helped us to make it so much so much etc. and so on and so much thanks to you for all the support we got the chance to help us out in the process
Transcript
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00:00:05.000Some of my lady friends are denying that.
00:00:10.000You didn't invent a new diet, because I've been talking about this quite a bit, I'm very proud of myself, but I feel like I've discovered something in the chick world, because dieting is a chick thing, and so I try it out.
00:00:29.000These women who have been buying their Pendletons where they have a $3,000 bicycle that yells at you or going to the SoulCycle class or all this yoga crap.
00:01:03.000Yoga should be reserved for people who have been caught shoplifting.
00:01:07.000And instead of bogging down the courts and wasting cop's time, you have to go to another room in the back and stretch until you... It's like the stretching rack, right?
00:01:21.000A couple weeks ago, I think this is because I started driving my motorcycle to the train station, and I used to ride my bicycle, and I noticed I was getting fat.
00:01:32.000Well, that wasn't solving the problem.
00:01:36.000The problem was, I couldn't see my penis anymore.
00:01:40.000I was in the shower, I was looking down at the water, cascading across this giant beer belly, and the drops were falling, and I couldn't see what was going on with the penis drops.
00:02:51.000It's called starving yourself to death.
00:02:54.000So what you do is, you wake up, you can have a coffee, you eat zero things.
00:03:00.000Then, at lunch, when you're hungry, you eat zero things.
00:03:05.000Now, this gets physically painful around 4 o'clock, but you just have to make it to 5.30 or 6.00.
00:03:10.000If you're a family man, that's when we eat, because the kids haven't had lunch since noon, right?
00:03:17.000So, if you can just make it to the family dinner, which, by the way, is a crucial part of being a parent, is making sure the family eats together.
00:03:23.000I was just in England, which I'll probably get to, but there's a whole culture now with the poor, where they all just sit and get fat on welfare,
00:03:33.000And the new industry is immigrants coming in and delivering them food.
00:05:33.000I'm just- it's kind of a silly metric to use because it's- I'm so unique.
00:05:37.000You know, my dick is so big that around Valentine's Day, I will see snakes, like boa constrictors, start slithering towards the door with like a box of chocolates.
00:06:14.000It took me hours to argue my way out of there.
00:06:17.000And I ended up strangling most of them.
00:06:19.000I just let it wrap around their torsos and I crushed them.
00:06:22.000It was my only way to get out of there.
00:06:27.000My penis is so big that in the past I've only dated women who were completely hollow in the center of their bodies and had a hole in the top of their head.
00:06:58.000You burn more calories than you take in.
00:07:01.000You keep changing the types of calories with your gluten and your sugar and, oh, you don't eat on Wednesdays and, oh, I ordered food.
00:07:12.000Look, the only time that makes sense is if you're a boxer and you're trying to get down to a certain weight and you have to eat seven times a day or nine times a day, they have these weird diets, and then you don't feel like cooking all the time.
00:08:24.000As I was getting fat from sitting on my motorcycle and not doing anything, uh, the suits were all too small and they were physically painful.
00:08:32.000And you know sometimes you trick yourself and you go, oh I'm fine, and you click the button anyway, and then about an hour later you got a really bad stomach pain?
00:08:40.000That would mean I'd have to buy a whole new line of suits.
00:12:03.000Where'd you get that, in Indonesia when you were fighting off some tribesmen?
00:12:08.000Tattoos are meant to say, uh, I am tough, and I'm from a thing, and I don't want to talk about it.
00:12:14.000Now it means I'm kind of bitchy, and I want to talk about it.
00:12:20.000But, uh, yeah, these... So these girls would start coming in, and you'd see them getting tattooed, and they're just like... And they're talking away.
00:12:29.000I would have to have, like, six beers.
00:12:32.000One trick I would have to do for getting tattoos, I'd pretend he was interrogating me.
00:15:59.000And they're all, you know, they're fucking murderers on both sides.
00:16:03.000This is... The press isn't really exaggerating when they talk about how dangerous it is, but they're only focusing on one group of bad guys.
00:16:15.000The guys I was hanging out with had caesarean scars, like big thick scars on their faces, and I'd just wear a machete in my arm, but thank God it did, because I put my hands up right in front of my face, right?
00:16:26.000This geezer comes down, machete goes through the bone.
00:16:29.000Now bones heal, bones grow, but it's always going to be sensitive.
00:16:33.000And that hurts when I'm fighting sometimes.
00:16:34.000You know, if I'm blocking, I'm getting old batters on it, and I can feel the bone ache, you know?
00:16:58.000Upper middle class rich kids who've been educated at Oxford and they've read about Karl Marx and they're absolutely chuffed with communism.
00:17:04.000I think it's unfortunate that the working man won't embrace Marx and these soccer hooligans just just fucking flatten him.
00:17:17.000And sometimes you see these kids, these commies, communist and anarchist kids, and you see them get punched in the face and you go, ooh, that's someone who's never been punched in the face before.
00:19:17.000That's, I talked in the other podcast about how the Indians, Mamaset would say, or Samaset, whatever his name was, said, do you have beer?
00:19:24.000Because the pioneers would drink it all the time.
00:19:26.000And you read, whenever you read about, you know, gangs in New York days, in early New York, when they would, before they knew how to make rope, when they would all do it voluntarily,
00:19:36.000Back in the days when you would have rope, there's no machine that makes rope.
00:19:39.000So, there'd be like a thread that's a hundred yards long, and you'd put those together, and there'd be seven volunteers on either end, you know, twisting them all.
00:19:49.000And about a hundred people would voluntarily make rope.
00:20:01.000The reason I know this is from Michelle Malkin's book, Who Built That?
00:20:06.000And she was talking about the Roebling family who built the Brooklyn Bridge and how they ended up inventing, you know, a way to do better steel rope, which is steel suspension bridges.
00:20:17.000And that started with them having people over to make rope.
00:20:20.000And you just read about the, like, they come over at seven.
00:20:23.000And we'd all have beer, and then we'd have a beer break at five, and then we'd end up with beer and bread and some yeast and some beer.
00:20:31.000And you just realize beer, even for kids, that was just what you drank in New York in the 1800s.
00:22:26.000Your parents would just put you in your little basket behind them, in a smoky bar.
00:22:32.000Um, but I remember seeing a little plastic kid and it was for the, whatever, the National Sick Kids Research Fund.
00:22:39.000And you'd buy a pint and maybe you'd put some change in the little kid's head and then when that filled up it would be whatever, 60 pounds for the children's fund.
00:22:46.000And someone with a marker had given the little sick boy with a cast and everything a Hitler mustache and a little swastika on his arm.
00:22:53.000This was in a tiny town, Lead Hills, in Scotland.
00:22:55.000And I have a very faint memory of that being like, I don't know, nine years old or something.
00:23:00.000And, you know, obviously the person who did that wasn't a Nazi.
00:23:03.000It's just a stupid, funny joke to have a sick, dying, paraplegic Hitler on your bar.
00:23:59.000You indicated that you want to wear panties.
00:24:03.000And that gave me nightmares for weeks.
00:24:07.000By the way, slight side note, if you're watching TV with your five-year-old and you're scrolling through Netflix and you want to check out Hellboy 2, don't do that with a child.
00:27:51.000On my show, CRTV Tonight, this Friday, I'm going to do, I'm going to talk about that Donald Glover video, Gambino, whatever.
00:28:00.000I'm going to talk about that, and I'll come out dressed as him, which is shirtless in white jeans, and you are going to see one of the sexiest, like, you're just going to drool.
00:28:11.000I would recommend you duct tape a paper towel, no, a whole roll of paper towels.
00:28:20.000And ladies, if you're gonna watch CRTV tonight and see me shirtless with my new diet, my new beer diet, I would recommend not just a maxi pad, but go to a pet store, like a pet care store, and get those doggy pads that they have for dogs that pee on the floor.
00:28:37.000Take the entire package, all seven pads, put them on top of each other, then wear rubber pants,
00:28:48.000For rubber pants, it would just come out your cuffs, about the bottom.
00:28:51.000Wear normal pants, sit on those pads, because you are going to get so wet, you might get dehydrated.
00:28:59.000I would recommend, if you're gonna watch me on Friday, ladies, have a paper towel beard, be sitting on a pack of doggy pads, and also be drinking a Super Gulp.
00:29:11.000Because you're going to get dehydrated after you expel so much moisture through your various areas.
00:29:39.000And you watch movies and you remember them.
00:29:42.000Although, I have to say, I met with some Proud Boys on Saturday night, and the memories could be a little stronger when I look at the pictures.