Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - May 15, 2018


Get Off My Lawn Podcast #50 | My phone addiction has reached critical mass

Topics
phone addiction divorce regret party and cheating
Hosted by
Gavin McInnes
Mentioned
Hillary Lisa Vanderpump Trump Archie Bunker Michael Knowles Luis J. Gomez Rodney Dangerfield Noah Syndergaard Real Housewives Harvard Lampoon Wilford Brimley Melanie Notkin Slingbox Hulu Phoebe Cates Robert Crumb John Belushi Chuck Taylor Tracy Morgan Quincy Jones Bear Grylls and 24 more
Ep 128 | Day For Freedom Rally Special Episode | Get Off My Lawn Ep 130 | This Year In Jerusalem | Get Off My Lawn

Episode Stats


Length

42 minutes

Words per minute

182.99

Word count

7,774

Sentence count

754

Harmful content

Misogyny

40

sentences flagged

Toxicity

189

sentences flagged

Hate speech

36

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

My phone addiction has reached critical mass. My job in this family is to take away screens from children and get them in my lockbox. This morning I see them skulking around at 6:30 in the morning, the youngest one trying to build a wall not to keep out immigrants, but a wall of pillows that can get up to the lockbox where all the screens are locked away. And when you take it away, holy shit, do you ever realize what a drug this is? It s like it s the last hit for a junkie. You think, dude, I m not taking away your insulin, you re not going to die. You re not diabetic. You're not gonna die. I m just flipping through stuff on my phone. And then when you click too many asses, you start getting gorgeous hunks. And it's also a disturbing trip into your mind where you must be looking at one too many asses. And I'm just as bad as you are. I don t know what else to do with it but let's talk about it, shall we? I mean, let's see if we can figure it out together. I don't know what I'm doing with it, but I'm not having a good day and I'm trying to figure out how to do something with it. I think it's going to be a good one. I'm sure you'll agree with me that it's not a good thing, but it's better than not having it at all, right? Let me know what you think of this episode, and I'll be back with a new episode next week! Tweet me Timestamps: 5: 5:30 - What do you think? 6:00 - How do you feel about this episode? 7:15 - What would you do with your phone? 8:20 - What are you would do without it? 9:10 - What is your favorite thing you're looking at on your phone right now? 10:00 11:40 - How often do you look at your phone these days? 12:15 13:30 14: What's your favorite part of the day? 15:40 16: What are your favorite piece of food? 17: Is it a good idea? 18:00 | What is the worst thing you ve ever looked at on the internet? 19:20

Transcript

Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 My phone addiction has reached critical mass.
00:00:03.000 I'm now a crackhead.
00:00:05.000 I'm a junkie.
00:00:06.000 And it's ironic because my job in this family is to take away screens from children and get them in my lockbox.
00:00:13.000 Which, by the way, gets more intense every day.
00:00:16.000 This morning, I see them skulking around at 6.30 in the morning, the youngest one, trying to build a wall, not to keep out immigrants, but a wall of pillows that can get up to the lockbox where all the screens are locked away. 1.00
00:00:29.000 I don't know what you're gonna do when you get up there, shrimp.
00:00:32.000 Pick the lock.
00:00:33.000 Good luck with that.
00:00:36.000 And I also gotta get the kids away from this, especially my middle son there, from this game Fortnite. 0.99
00:00:43.000 And when you take it away, holy shit do you ever realize what a drug this is. 0.97
00:00:49.000 I mean, he'll be in a bad mood for a day and a half. 0.97
00:00:53.000 Because there's no screens at all now, Monday to Thursday. 0.95
00:00:56.000 So I take it away Sunday, and he knows he's about to go into withdrawal systems, as a dumb chick once said to me. 0.78
00:01:04.000 So it's like it's the last hit for a junkie. 0.83
00:01:06.000 You know, when he's going to prison, they'll do a nice little skin pop with the syringe right at Rikers and go in with a good buzz.
00:01:15.000 That's his Sunday nights.
00:01:17.000 And you think, dude, I'm not taking away your insulin, you diabetic.
00:01:22.000 You're not going to die.
00:01:24.000 It's a brutal addiction with these kids and the problem too is you take it away and they just go to their friend's house and play it.
00:01:33.000 But what am I going to do?
00:01:35.000 And I'm just as bad.
00:01:39.000 If there's an excuse I can find, like the kids are bouncing on the trampoline or something, I can see them.
00:01:46.000 I have cameras all over the property, so I can see them bouncing.
00:01:49.000 I know I'm safe.
00:01:51.000 I could be fixing something in the house.
00:01:52.000 Or, here's the crucial thing.
00:01:55.000 Having a deep thought.
00:01:56.000 Just having a thought.
00:01:58.000 But, uh, I'm not.
00:02:00.000 I'm just flipping through stuff.
00:02:02.000 Some of it's important.
00:02:03.000 Some of it's major deals.
00:02:04.000 Sometimes I'm organizing tours.
00:02:05.000 My most recent job that pays very, very well was mostly procured via text.
00:02:11.000 I've organized tours on text.
00:02:14.000 I've talked to lawyers on text about major court cases, you know, closed deal.
00:02:18.000 So it's a lot of it is relevant.
00:02:20.000 I'm going to say 50% of the stuff I look at on my phone is relevant.
00:02:24.000 But then Twitter, which is like sort of good for my job, but sort of a waste of time and will likely get me fired.
00:02:30.000 That doesn't count as quality time.
00:02:32.000 And then the worst, you know, you're in the hole when you're in Instagram, just looking at the magnifying glass stuff.
00:02:40.000 It's also a disturbing trip into your psyche.
00:02:43.000 Like I must have looked at one too many girls asses because there's all these workout things that appear about how to do squats and stuff. 1.00
00:02:49.000 I'm like, uh, I don't squat. 0.92
00:02:52.000 Thanks.
00:02:53.000 Thanks for the tips. 0.98
00:02:54.000 And then when you, when you get it, when you click too many asses, you start getting gorgeous hunks.
00:02:59.000 So you got all these buff dudes on your feed, and you're like, how can I tell the algorithm to stop sending me these? 0.66
00:03:05.000 I was on Netflix last night, and I was trying to find, oh, what was the movie? 0.80
00:03:11.000 It was The Something, and I accidentally went The, and then I went over to Big Bang Theory, and I accidentally clicked it, and I thought, shit, no, that's gonna fuck up my whole Netflix algorithm!
00:03:25.000 That was actually an episode of King of Queens where Patton Oswalt's, uh, his, uh, what do they call it?
00:03:31.000 Slingbox Hulu.
00:03:33.000 His Roku, before they had all those, it thought it was, he was gay.
00:03:38.000 Another big thing on my, um, Instagram magnifying glass is fishing videos.
00:03:43.000 I don't know.
00:03:43.000 Maybe I clicked on too many weird fish, but it's all like, can you name this river monster?
00:03:48.000 They are really cool though.
00:03:49.000 I'm happy with that.
00:03:51.000 I do like looking at weird fish, but who doesn't?
00:03:57.000 And it just, it rots your brain.
00:03:59.000 And I, Louis J. Gomez from Legion of Skanks, the Puerto Rican rattlesnake, he was talking about how he hates himself when he's addicted.
00:04:08.000 Like he hates that he gets up and before anything, he grabs his phone from the bed. 0.99
00:04:13.000 You could just look at it when you're taking a shit. 0.99
00:04:16.000 You're not Bear Grylls. 1.00
00:04:17.000 It's not Naked and Afraid if you take a shit without your phone. 0.99
00:04:20.000 It's totally fine to take it in there. 0.98
00:04:24.000 So you'll see it during that little moment.
00:04:27.000 But no, we gotta look at it right in our beds.
00:04:30.000 Was there a terrorist attack?
00:04:31.000 What's the weather like today?
00:04:33.000 What's the latest Trump controversy?
00:04:34.000 I don't like that.
00:04:38.000 And then you go to bars! 1.00
00:04:40.000 And everyone is on their fucking phone. 1.00
00:04:41.000 Grown men. 1.00
00:04:43.000 Women. 0.81
00:04:44.000 I was at a bar the other day, a woman was having a diet coke and looking at her phone in the bar. 0.98
00:04:49.000 Lady, what are you doing here? 1.00
00:04:51.000 Get out of here.
00:04:52.000 I actually had an argument with her a couple weeks ago.
00:04:56.000 She's a regular, one of my regulars.
00:04:59.000 And someone, they were talking about iPads.
00:05:01.000 Someone goes, you got an iPad?
00:05:02.000 I go, nope, iPads are for girls. 0.89
00:05:05.000 Now obviously that's how men talk, and I'm using the word girl facetiously. 0.88
00:05:10.000 But there is some truth to it.
00:05:12.000 I think computers are for men. 0.93
00:05:15.000 Because you have to type stuff.
00:05:15.000 You have to make stuff.
00:05:18.000 Women, as far as business and culture goes, they tend to be spectators. 1.00
00:05:23.000 And women are... An iPad is better for looking at things. 1.00
00:05:27.000 That's fucked up, Gavin. 1.00
00:05:28.000 Women are some of the greatest... Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. 1.00
00:05:31.000 I'm talking about general tendencies.
00:05:33.000 Look what they do on Facebook.
00:05:34.000 It's often like a rose and a drawing of a kid and... You don't know what you got till it's gone.
00:05:41.000 I regret my abortion.
00:05:43.000 No, but it's platitudes with graphics and stuff.
00:05:46.000 It's not like they're saying, hey, I just ran the numbers and about 8,000 black people are murdered every year.
00:05:50.000 That's 20 a day.
00:05:51.000 Now, the numbers also say that 14 white people get killed every day.
00:05:55.000 But I looked into it.
00:05:56.000 That's mostly Hispanics. 0.98
00:05:57.000 So it's about seven white people killed every day, 20 black people. 0.98
00:06:01.000 But white people are five times the population of black people. 0.95
00:06:04.000 So what is going on here? 0.99
00:06:04.000 I think it's the welfare and shattering the black family. 0.99
00:06:09.000 And, you know, these kids growing up without a dad and they'd have no discipline and idle hands lead to disaster.
00:06:13.000 That's what you do with a keyboard.
00:06:15.000 Type away.
00:06:17.000 What you swish at with an iPad is, like, different ideas for pants.
00:06:21.000 And I'm not saying any of those are less relevant than the other.
00:06:24.000 I'm a huge pants man.
00:06:25.000 I'm not saying I wear giant pants.
00:06:30.000 I'm actually quite a thin pants man.
00:06:33.000 But, uh, I'm into fashion.
00:06:37.000 So, I gotta curb it. 0.99
00:06:40.000 I think I'm gonna have to put my own phone in this goddamn lockbox and discipline myself. 0.98
00:06:44.000 I tried charging the kids, um, uh, money. 0.99
00:06:49.000 Like, giving them money.
00:06:51.000 Say, I'll pay you a dollar every time you catch me on my phone.
00:06:53.000 And my middle boy got up to 42 bucks, I think.
00:06:57.000 Sometimes I would just take the hit.
00:06:58.000 That's, that's how severe of an addict I am.
00:07:01.000 I just go, go ahead, man.
00:07:02.000 I'll pay.
00:07:03.000 And then he'd catch me twice in a row, now I'm up to two bucks.
00:07:06.000 Yeah, I don't care.
00:07:07.000 Gotta get my fix, dude.
00:07:10.000 But, being a ho-chunk, you know, they own a casino, he would start gambling it, and he'd be playing baseball and say like, if I don't catch this, I'll give you half off the iPhone money. 1.00
00:07:22.000 The phone money that you owe me.
00:07:24.000 And then he sort of lost interest in it.
00:07:26.000 I never paid him.
00:07:27.000 I mean, I still will, but it's just sitting there.
00:07:29.000 It didn't work, basically.
00:07:31.000 I stole the idea from my dad.
00:07:32.000 He used to do this thing where, when he was trying to quit smoking, he'd pay me $5 for every cigarette he smoked.
00:07:40.000 And he's Scottish and he's cheap, so that was like stabbing someone. 1.00
00:07:44.000 And I remember being a kid, maybe 10 years old, this would be 1980, and I would just go to the ashtray in the morning and go 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35.
00:07:50.000 35 bucks I just made there.
00:07:55.000 Actually, it wasn't usually quite that much, but it was around there.
00:07:58.000 20 bucks.
00:07:59.000 Anyway, the nest egg became $350 before he finally quit.
00:08:03.000 And that nest egg is in my bank account right now.
00:08:06.000 I never in my life went below $350 because I'm Scottish too, you see.
00:08:12.000 And for a Scotsman, they choose a zero.
00:08:16.000 Could be $10,000.
00:08:16.000 Could be $100.
00:08:19.000 They choose a zero and they never go below that.
00:08:22.000 Because how's that different fae zero? 0.97
00:08:25.000 $350?
00:08:27.000 If you make that zero, then that's zero.
00:08:29.000 You know what I mean?
00:08:30.000 See these junkies?
00:08:32.000 They sell their bikes and then they're broke again the next week.
00:08:35.000 And now you got no bike and you're in the same situation you were.
00:08:39.000 You should have made your bike zero, pal!
00:08:41.000 Zero is a bike and food in the cupboards.
00:08:44.000 You're below that.
00:08:45.000 You're below zero.
00:08:46.000 You can't go below zero.
00:08:48.000 It's unacceptable.
00:08:54.000 No, but I was at the bar the other day and I had no phone and I'm just sitting there.
00:09:00.000 Oh, I forgot to tell you about the chick with the iPad. 0.99
00:09:02.000 All right, I'll get to that.
00:09:03.000 I'm just sitting there and I've got no phone and there's a game on I don't care about.
00:09:07.000 It's the Yankees or something.
00:09:08.000 And I'm just sort of staring just at the bottles
00:09:12.000 And this is what a bizarre, this is what a bar is designed for, by the way.
00:09:16.000 You're supposed to sit there and stare at the bottles and have deep thoughts.
00:09:19.000 And the bartender, that job is underrated.
00:09:22.000 It's, I did it the other day at a party.
00:09:24.000 Someone said, come, I knew the owner.
00:09:26.000 He goes, come downstairs.
00:09:28.000 Yeah, go behind the bar. 0.96
00:09:28.000 It was in DC, actually, at a Daily Caller party. 0.96
00:09:31.000 The owner recognized me and he said, come downstairs and you can run the bar.
00:09:36.000 And I thought that'll be fun.
00:09:37.000 I had a little bit of a buzz.
00:09:39.000 Dude, it's insanely hard.
00:09:41.000 Everyone's screaming at you.
00:09:42.000 Everyone has their money out.
00:09:43.000 And even if they were just, even if they all wanted Budweiser's, it would be hard to get them, get them the Budweiser, get the money, give them their change.
00:09:50.000 But they all want different drinks.
00:09:52.000 But anyway, even day bartenders, they have to be benign.
00:09:58.000 Not too provocative.
00:10:00.000 Not boring, though.
00:10:01.000 Don't talk about the weather too much.
00:10:03.000 So have a quip, keep it light.
00:10:05.000 Get away from politics.
00:10:08.000 Agree with the customer, but not too much. 1.00
00:10:10.000 It's like being a good prostitute. 1.00
00:10:14.000 Sorry. 0.98
00:10:15.000 Sorry, bartenders.
00:10:16.000 I don't mean that.
00:10:18.000 God forbid you should never piss off your bartender.
00:10:21.000 Yeah, but the chick with the iPad, and then I go, they're for girls. 1.00
00:10:24.000 They're for just looking at stuff.
00:10:25.000 They're not for makers.
00:10:27.000 And she says, oh, I'm a girl.
00:10:30.000 Oh, thanks.
00:10:31.000 And she goes, and I run my own business.
00:10:34.000 Which they always say that, and it's like interior decorating, or it's like a consultancy firm for HR.
00:10:42.000 It's never like I run my own business on how to fuse molecules to help prevent cancer cells.
00:10:49.000 You know what I mean?
00:10:50.000 I do patents for biotech companies to make sure that Japanese, mostly Japanese because I speak fluent Japanese, make sure Japanese pharmaceutical companies don't steal their copyrights.
00:11:01.000 It's never that.
00:11:03.000 And that's chicks and bars. 1.00
00:11:05.000 But anyway.
00:11:07.000 Yeah, I'm bringing this up, by the way, because I know you're in the same boat. 0.99
00:11:12.000 I know that you see yourself on your phone and go, God damn it, stop!
00:11:17.000 You're down to the clickbait things at the bottom that are ads that say, Phoebe Cates was once gorgeous, you should see her now! 0.98
00:11:25.000 And then you click on it, and you have to click on a hundred other things, and you go, yeah, she's like 52.
00:11:30.000 She looks like a pretty 52-year-old.
00:11:31.000 That's what I thought she'd look like. 0.95
00:11:34.000 I've finished the internet.
00:11:38.000 So you have to allot time for your job for computers.
00:11:41.000 Look at it on a computer.
00:11:42.000 Your phone should be for emergencies and yeah, checking up on things.
00:11:46.000 Not just like, how's it going?
00:11:49.000 Go socialize with human beings.
00:11:52.000 Which brings me to, also in the suburbs, porn.
00:11:58.000 You know, I moved to the suburbs two years ago, after a quarter century in the city.
00:12:01.000 Moved out when I was 18. 0.97
00:12:03.000 So I've always been around fags and junkies and weirdos and trannies. 1.00
00:12:06.000 I'm not, trannies are not remotely new to me. 0.99
00:12:09.000 And it's always been multicultural too, which is funny when people call you racist, because you're like, I'm actually just talking about black people the way black people talk about black people, because I've been around black people for 25 years.
00:12:21.000 But you come to the suburbs and you go, oh, OK, they're just normal here, and there's not a lot going on, and they're pretty boring.
00:12:28.000 But that's that.
00:12:31.000 I get it. 0.99
00:12:31.000 There's no gays or junkies, much fewer blacks. 0.99
00:12:35.000 And then you start getting to know them and you go, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no 0.98
00:12:51.000 But the drugs are Xanax and Adderall.
00:12:54.000 People party.
00:12:55.000 People die.
00:12:56.000 And I'm in an affluent suburb where I don't, I haven't met one person who's not in finance.
00:13:01.000 But these guys in finance die. 1.00
00:13:04.000 They do coke in their basement with their kids upstairs and they break out a line and fucking croak. 0.99
00:13:12.000 And they drink a lot. 0.99
00:13:16.000 You go to a country club in the day and they are pounding back makers. 1.00
00:13:22.000 I tried to get into a country club around here and they haven't called me back. 0.98
00:13:26.000 I don't know how it ended because they were handing me so many fucking makers. 0.97
00:13:29.000 It was like Tom Collins or something with Maker's Mark. 0.97
00:13:32.000 I forget what the drink was, but it was like a new twist on an old drink.
00:13:36.000 And I have no idea how the night ended.
00:13:38.000 No idea.
00:13:39.000 I remember faintly dreaming of places I'd like to sleep.
00:13:42.000 You know that?
00:13:43.000 You know when you're that wasted and all you can think about is like, I could lie under a bush.
00:13:47.000 I could go to the bathroom and lie on the floor.
00:13:50.000 I could sneak down a hallway, lie under a couch, no one would see me there.
00:13:54.000 I could break into a car and sleep in the backseat.
00:13:57.000 You're just planning crash spots.
00:13:59.000 That's usually not a good last thing to remember, because you probably fell asleep somewhere terrible. 0.97
00:14:04.000 But I woke up and I had wet my suit, peed all over my Land Rover key, which cost me fucking 500 bucks to replace.
00:14:12.000 Why don't they make these things waterproof? 0.96
00:14:15.000 What if you pee them? 0.99
00:14:17.000 God, why is everything so sensitive to just a little splash of penis juice? 1.00
00:14:23.000 Um... But yeah, they're bizarre. 1.00
00:14:27.000 And they're also boring.
00:14:28.000 Like, at the local bar in the suburbs, the weather?
00:14:31.000 Oh my God.
00:14:33.000 That is an eagle of a conversation that soars out of the bar, into the heavens, and off to outer space.
00:14:42.000 It just goes and goes and goes.
00:14:45.000 Apparently, there's gonna be thunderstorms on Thursday.
00:14:47.000 Apparently, well, this is what I hear.
00:14:49.000 So Wednesday's gonna be really hot.
00:14:51.000 Like, it could get up to 80.
00:14:52.000 Some people are saying 90?
00:14:54.000 Then that's gonna break on Friday with thunderstorms.
00:14:57.000 And then it's gonna be pretty good on the weekend, pretty normal, maybe cloudy on Sunday.
00:15:01.000 Uh-huh.
00:15:03.000 Okay.
00:15:05.000 And then you think, that's boring, because that's just a click of my phone, which is in my hand at all times, like I'm a 14-year-old black girl.
00:15:12.000 But how could this conversation go farther?
00:15:16.000 You know what I think it is, too?
00:15:18.000 Someone else will pipe in.
00:15:20.000 It's the heat.
00:15:23.000 When it's been cool for a while, and it has been very cool this spring, and then you get hit with the heat, it seems a lot hotter.
00:15:30.000 And then everyone's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:15:32.000 And I just want to, I go, wow, you have reached astrology levels of boring conversations.
00:15:39.000 And then you'll talk to that person and you'll go, what was going on with that guy?
00:15:43.000 Oh, he's, he's drunk. 0.99
00:15:44.000 His wife just got caught in an orgy. 0.99
00:15:49.000 An orgy with like five people from the country club. 1.00
00:15:52.000 In a way, they're kind of like white trash. 1.00
00:15:55.000 Like, there's that much infidelity, there's that much drugs, there's that- there's still ODs, there's still people getting caught, like, crashing their car. 0.99
00:16:04.000 Rich people are poor people.
00:16:07.000 So, they have- they still have a lot of boringness in them, like, middle-class stuff, but when you get the gossip up here in the burbs, it turns your hair white.
00:16:18.000 It's stunning what goes on.
00:16:22.000 There's also a weird thing out here in the burbs that I'm not familiar with.
00:16:27.000 The blue-collar liberal.
00:16:32.000 Back in Brooklyn, we had a weird thing.
00:16:33.000 The blue-collar junkie.
00:16:35.000 And it was just Archie Bunker coming home.
00:16:37.000 He's got his name on his shirt.
00:16:38.000 He's got his tool bag.
00:16:41.000 He's an electrician.
00:16:42.000 And he comes home.
00:16:43.000 He likes to watch the game.
00:16:45.000 He's a Yankees man.
00:16:47.000 He respects the Mets, weirdly enough.
00:16:49.000 And he loves Citi Field.
00:16:51.000 But obviously, he's from the Bronx.
00:16:52.000 He's gotta be Yankees.
00:16:53.000 And he does a little bumper smack.
00:16:55.000 And then he has a beer.
00:16:56.000 Pardon me?
00:16:57.000 What?
00:16:57.000 Wait, what?
00:16:58.000 Oh, he does smack.
00:16:59.000 I mean, he was in New York in the 80s, so he does heroin.
00:17:03.000 There's lots of Archie Bunker junkies in East New York.
00:17:07.000 White guys. 0.81
00:17:08.000 That look exactly like Archie Bunker.
00:17:09.000 And will just not shoot it.
00:17:11.000 They're not crazy.
00:17:12.000 But they'll do a little toot.
00:17:13.000 Just a little toot-a-smack. 0.99
00:17:15.000 You know, then go maybe to the local bar.
00:17:18.000 Hope I don't fall asleep on the bar.
00:17:21.000 Because I did too many bumps.
00:17:24.000 So just as weird to me, though they're not drug addicts, is these blue collar guys who like work at the docks, they work on the boats or something, you know, like some rich guy's yacht, they will polish it up or something or fix the motor.
00:17:39.000 And, uh, they still have that same accent, that New York accent. 1.00
00:17:43.000 And I'll tell you what, man, this fuckin' Trump, holy shit. 1.00
00:17:47.000 If he was here right now, I'd fuckin' t- I got a .45 revolver, it's illegal. 1.00
00:17:51.000 But I'd just fuckin' shoot him in the head. 1.00
00:17:53.000 I'd fuckin' kill him right now. 1.00
00:17:55.000 Here's a quote I heard at my local bar. 1.00
00:17:57.000 White haired dude, ratty jeans on, work boots, paint splattered on them.
00:18:03.000 Fishing jacket, like a raincoat that's all worn out.
00:18:08.000 It's like from the 80s when they didn't have any cool Gore-Tex technology.
00:18:12.000 It's just like a rubber coat, a yellow rubber coat that stops the rain.
00:18:17.000 Basically the same technology we had in the 1800s.
00:18:20.000 And he said, tell you what, I wish, you know what we need? 0.66
00:18:27.000 We need, and they're educated too, we need a fucking giant rain that comes and it just washes the Mississippi, goes out, I don't even know where the Mississippi drains, is it the Atlantic? 0.96
00:18:40.000 The what? 0.99
00:18:41.000 Gulf of Mexico.
00:18:42.000 Yeah, that's what he said. 1.00
00:18:43.000 He said, all the Midwest, all those fucking flyover cities, fuck them all. 1.00
00:18:50.000 They go down in the, get washed out in the Mississippi, right out to the Gulf of Mexico. 1.00
00:18:54.000 Let's lose them, all we need is the coastal towns.
00:18:58.000 Does that sound bizarre in that accent? 0.99
00:19:01.000 All we need is fuckin' San Francisco! 0.98
00:19:04.000 L.A.! ! 0.98
00:19:06.000 New York, Boston, fuckin'... Some nice, real coffee, too. 0.97
00:19:12.000 Some nice coffee shops.
00:19:14.000 You go see a play with your boys. 0.99
00:19:17.000 You go see maybe a fuckin' musical in Times Square. 1.00
00:19:20.000 None of these fuckin' Midwest fags. 1.00
00:19:23.000 Just fuckin', like, upper-class people wear top hats and monocles, sittin' down, fuckin' on their yachts, readin' The New Yorker, playin' golf. 1.00
00:19:33.000 You know, real Americans. 0.99
00:19:35.000 Like me.
00:19:35.000 What?
00:19:37.000 What are you?
00:19:41.000 I bet one of them a beer that Hillary would, uh, lose. 1.00
00:19:46.000 He's like, I'll tell you what, I'll fucking give you, and I'm not good with, you know, the electoral details, but it was something like nine points. 0.59
00:19:52.000 Not only is she gonna win, these are all different people I'm talking about, by the way. 0.98
00:19:55.000 You think I'm talking about one freak who was brainwashed?
00:19:58.000 No, I'm talking about a demographic.
00:20:00.000 It's a group.
00:20:01.000 Like, if you go to White Plains, New York, there's a great record store, uh, up in the, in, uh, in the burbs up here called Clockwork Records, and it's punk stuff.
00:20:10.000 It's run by a cop.
00:20:11.000 An ex-cop who was into the punk scene.
00:20:14.000 He's not one of them.
00:20:14.000 He's cool.
00:20:16.000 But that neighborhood it's in... Can you look up the city Clockwork Records is in?
00:20:21.000 That neighborhood it's in is all these dudes who... Hastings on Hudson.
00:20:27.000 It's not a fancy place.
00:20:29.000 I mean, there are rich people there, of course.
00:20:30.000 But it's kind of blue collar. 1.00
00:20:32.000 And it's just dudes with fucking jean jackets. 0.99
00:20:35.000 And then you'll notice the guy's white hair. 1.00
00:20:37.000 He's bald.
00:20:39.000 But he'll have a little ponytail. 0.90
00:20:41.000 And then he gets in his truck, where he loads up his crap, his tools and stuff, and there's an Obama sticker on it.
00:20:49.000 Or a, I'm with Hillary!
00:20:52.000 And it's ex-hippies from Manhattan who lived in the Lower East Side and smoked pot and free love and Robert Crumb and Lou Reed and all that stuff.
00:20:59.000 They've gotten old, and they've gotten blue-collar jobs, but they still are that person.
00:21:06.000 It is a weird group because I come up here and I'm with the Richies who wear the Hillary hats and I think I'm going to take a break from the left here.
00:21:13.000 They're getting pedantic. 0.87
00:21:15.000 I'm going to go to some shithole dive bar and I go in the dive bar and it's old men and there they are loving Hillary. 0.97
00:21:22.000 It's sort of like the last episode I was telling you about the blue collar homos in the West Village who were just like God. 1.00
00:21:29.000 After a day like today, I want a fucking butt and a cock. 1.00
00:21:33.000 That's what I need right now. 1.00
00:21:34.000 Just a good... Something like... Hispanic man, maybe 21 years old, get reamed up to poop shoot, then fucking come down here and watch the game. 1.00
00:21:42.000 That's my idea of a good Friday. 0.99
00:21:46.000 Maybe I like that.
00:21:47.000 Maybe that's my thing.
00:21:48.000 It's like I like being in incongruous areas.
00:21:51.000 Maybe it's because as an immigrant, I came to Canada when I was five and I was already an English kid with Scottish parents.
00:21:58.000 My parents were already sort of freaks.
00:22:01.000 And then I moved to Canada with my weird accent.
00:22:03.000 Got that pounded on me.
00:22:04.000 That was weird.
00:22:05.000 I'm a freak.
00:22:06.000 And then I moved to Quebec where I was English.
00:22:08.000 Which, Americans don't understand this.
00:22:11.000 It's not quite apartheid, but you are a second-class citizen if you're English in Quebec.
00:22:16.000 You can't get a job.
00:22:18.000 Speaking English loudly on the street in certain areas and at certain times, especially after the referendum, is audacious.
00:22:26.000 I wasn't scared to do it, but it's like being like a loud black group sort of dressed hip-hop at a very expensive golf course. 1.00
00:22:35.000 Like you're aware of your surroundings, you look weird to people.
00:22:41.000 By the way, those women who had the cops called on them at the golf club, they were not arrested for playing golf too slow.
00:22:48.000 They were playing golf too slow, they were asked to leave, then they got crazy, and the guy eventually had to call the cops because he didn't want to get sued.
00:22:56.000 You don't get arrested for going slow on the golf course.
00:23:04.000 But, uh, yeah, I think I like being in weird situations.
00:23:08.000 I'm never really comfortable.
00:23:10.000 Like, when I hang out with cops and real bonafide tough guys, I'm like their weak friend who can't throw hands.
00:23:16.000 Like, that's no problem that you can't fight.
00:23:19.000 I can fight.
00:23:20.000 Well, look, you can't fight, but that's fine.
00:23:22.000 I wish I was you.
00:23:23.000 I wish I didn't know how to fight so good. 0.99
00:23:26.000 Then when I'm with erudite rich people, I'm like the white trash guy with tattoos who's too violent and suggests we beat the shit out of this coach who keeps yelling at the kids. 0.99
00:23:37.000 Um... When I'm with young people, I'm fucking old. 1.00
00:23:40.000 When I'm with old people, I'm young. 0.98
00:23:42.000 I think that's healthy, though.
00:23:43.000 It's exercise.
00:23:44.000 You know, there should be some resistance.
00:23:46.000 We went to this... My wife got invited to a softball game the other day.
00:23:50.000 Yesterday, to be specific.
00:23:52.000 And I said, uh, I'll come!
00:23:54.000 And I thought I was being fun, like, I'll come.
00:23:57.000 I want to be part of your life and I don't want to, you know, I want to assimilate to the people here in the suburbs.
00:24:05.000 But it was more like, I don't know if you've watched Real Housewives, but the British guy with his doggy Pikachu.
00:24:12.000 Now, I'm sorry for knowing about this, but in order to get laid a lot, and I have a very voracious sexual appetite because I don't watch porn, so I'm always courting my wife 24 hours a day. 0.94
00:24:22.000 I'm like a teen.
00:24:24.000 Which, by the way, sorry to go off on a tangent, but that's what I find so crazy about all these stories. 0.99
00:24:28.000 These wives will talk about, not just to my wife, but to me, about how their husbands won't fuck them. 1.00
00:24:34.000 And how they'll dress up in lingerie, and he avoids them, and I haven't had sex in a year. 0.99
00:24:39.000 I heard about this one woman, she told me she's divorced now, but her husband would schedule cunnilingus.
00:24:45.000 Saturdays.
00:24:47.000 Saturdays, he reluctantly conceded we could do 11 o'clock on Saturdays.
00:24:51.000 How's that? 0.98
00:24:52.000 And I go, uh, if you have to pencil that in, and it's not constantly at the top of your yes please list, you're gay. 1.00
00:25:01.000 So this gay man was conceding. 0.93
00:25:03.000 And I don't think that's that uncommon. 0.75
00:25:05.000 I think gay guys in finance, this is just a guess by the way, I have no idea what I'm talking about.
00:25:09.000 I think gay guys in finance, it's good for their portfolio, it's good for clients to see that you're a married man and you go to the country club and you play golf and someone feels safe giving you, because that's what you're doing, you're entrusting a stranger with, in this neighborhood, like 10 million dollars. 0.86
00:25:25.000 So they want to make sure he's not gay. 1.00
00:25:27.000 He might go spend it on dick sucking or something. 1.00
00:25:32.000 So I think a lot of them reluctantly marry. 1.00
00:25:35.000 And the divorce is totally rampant.
00:25:37.000 And then, by the way, another thing I'm noticing is the divorce regret when they realize they don't have their kids and there's some other dad with their kids and they've got step-sons and then they start wanting custody and it just becomes a complete mess.
00:25:51.000 I think our attitude with divorce is very flippant in modern society and we just go, oh, you farted?
00:25:57.000 Kick him out.
00:25:58.000 You don't need to smell farts in your bedroom. 1.00
00:26:00.000 Divorce him. 0.99
00:26:01.000 Get your own.
00:26:02.000 He'll have to pay you alimony.
00:26:03.000 You can get your own bed.
00:26:04.000 Big, king-sized, tempur-pedic. 0.90
00:26:07.000 Then they do that because all their friends tell them to.
00:26:09.000 Especially women, by the way. 1.00
00:26:12.000 70% of divorces are instituted by women.
00:26:15.000 And then they do it all and they go, uh, I miss my kids. 0.99
00:26:17.000 This sucks. 0.89
00:26:18.000 I hate that a stranger's taking my son to baseball. 0.99
00:26:20.000 I hate seeing him at baseball.
00:26:22.000 That must be a trip.
00:26:24.000 People always say to me, could you be friends with someone that marries your wife if you got divorced?
00:26:30.000 And I go, why would I be friends with two people at the bottom of the East River?
00:26:34.000 Am I going to get a scuba license?
00:26:36.000 What are we going to talk about down there?
00:26:38.000 What am I, Nemo?
00:26:40.000 What am I going to... I have nothing to talk about, people that are underwater.
00:26:44.000 That's a prejudice of mine.
00:26:46.000 I'm very pro-oxygen.
00:26:50.000 I only like surface dwellers. 0.93
00:26:52.000 Sorry.
00:26:53.000 And then they realize it is a big deal.
00:26:56.000 And I think there's a few things driving divorce, and it's never what you think.
00:27:00.000 One is the flippant attitude towards divorce.
00:27:03.000 Really bad news. 0.99
00:27:04.000 It's a big fucking deal. 0.99
00:27:05.000 It's sort of like a cesarean. 0.99
00:27:07.000 People think, oh, you just cut the baby at the top.
00:27:09.000 No, no.
00:27:10.000 The baby's at the back.
00:27:11.000 You gotta cut the stomach out, pull out all the entrails and organs, and they're all sitting there like a gutted deer. 0.99
00:27:18.000 Then you get the baby, then you have to put all that shit back. 0.99
00:27:21.000 It hurts. 1.00
00:27:23.000 Takes a long time to recover from that major operation.
00:27:26.000 So divorce is a major operation. 0.96
00:27:28.000 Secondly, I think there's a lot of homos. 1.00
00:27:32.000 It's funny because I move to the suburbs and I go, there's no gays here. 1.00
00:27:34.000 Because no one talks about gays and I'm realizing, yeah, there are gays.
00:27:37.000 You're ex-husband. 0.99
00:27:39.000 Third, I think porn is a major problem.
00:27:44.000 Porn is an issue with all marriage because one of the reasons women are still single now is because when you give the milk away for free, no one wants to buy the cow. 1.00
00:27:53.000 And New York City, for example, is just a fucking cattle field. 1.00
00:27:57.000 Free cows! 1.00
00:27:58.000 Get on your phone!
00:28:00.000 BJ's in an hour!
00:28:02.000 She'll leave immediately after! 1.00
00:28:03.000 Free cows!
00:28:08.000 Free milk, I should say. 0.86
00:28:09.000 Sorry, I fucked up that analogy. 0.96
00:28:13.000 So these women, no one puts a ring on it. 1.00
00:28:16.000 And I think another part of that, sorry, is pornography.
00:28:20.000 They're not enthusiastic.
00:28:21.000 You don't want to come over for Netflix and chill?
00:28:23.000 Fine, I'll just beat off. 1.00
00:28:24.000 I'll fuck a hundred tens. 1.00
00:28:27.000 We're in a bit of a mess here. 1.00
00:28:30.000 With society, and it's... I think a lot of it stems from the destruction of Christianity. 0.95
00:28:35.000 I mean, I grew up atheist, but I always knew, I have a hunch Christianity's important.
00:28:41.000 But then they started hacking away at it, and I didn't care, I had no skin in the game.
00:28:44.000 And now I'm seeing it get destroyed, and I go, I don't think you should have messed with that, dudes.
00:28:49.000 You touched the fuse box, and now the whole house has no power. 1.00
00:28:55.000 You fucked up. 1.00
00:28:59.000 How long have we been going here? 1.00
00:29:00.000 Do you have any idea?
00:29:01.000 Okay good, because I want to tell the story about the baseball.
00:29:05.000 So I show up at the baseball.
00:29:07.000 I'm trying to assimilate and I know about Real Housewives of Beverly Hills because I watch it because I'm trying to get in my wife's pants. 1.00
00:29:14.000 And the way you do that is you watch a show with them.
00:29:16.000 That's foreplay when you're married. 1.00
00:29:18.000 You're not going to give her a massage. 1.00
00:29:20.000 That's not gonna work.
00:29:31.000 And a great way to do that is their shows.
00:29:32.000 Get them some wine.
00:29:33.000 Agree.
00:29:34.000 And then you get Stockholm Syndrome, as I've mentioned before, and you end up watching the show.
00:29:39.000 I watched the show when I was hungover when she was out of town at her mother's with the kids.
00:29:42.000 I watched the show for about four hours.
00:29:44.000 You know those hangovers where you have AIDS and it's so painful it's interesting?
00:29:50.000 It was one of those.
00:29:50.000 And I just lay in bed with like one sock on and a blazer eating spaghetti when I could get it past my lips and just watching Real Housewives.
00:30:00.000 We're good to go.
00:30:14.000 Uh, and Lisa, I think.
00:30:15.000 Lisa Vanderpump, that's her name.
00:30:17.000 And her husband, I think he's an ex-soccer player. 1.00
00:30:20.000 He is obsessed with his stupid little Paris Hilton dogs. 1.00
00:30:25.000 And they have names like Rumpy Pumpy and Sex Monster and Pikachu. 1.00
00:30:30.000 And he's always carrying them.
00:30:31.000 They all died recently, by the way.
00:30:33.000 And it was very tragic.
00:30:34.000 He was beyond destroyed.
00:30:37.000 I mean, it looked like he had been hit in the face with a nuclear bomb.
00:30:40.000 He couldn't stop crying. 0.99
00:30:41.000 And he's not, he's not a fag. 1.00
00:30:43.000 He's like a, he's, I don't know if he's middle class, but he seems below middle class, like blue collar, not quite a soccer hooligan, but he's like a geyser who's just been neutered by this woman because he loves her so much and then falls in love with her stupid dogs out of boredom. 0.99
00:30:57.000 But he comes to their thing. 0.98
00:30:59.000 So that show, all reality TV right now, all of Bravo, Andy Cohen is Satan, by the way, and all of Bravo is women hungry for fame because they've been sort of fucked with by society telling them that they need to be stars. 0.93
00:31:15.000 Feminism, I guess, has done that. 1.00
00:31:17.000 They're incapable of being humble anymore.
00:31:20.000 And so, they're drunk with lust to be famous, for some bizarre reason. 0.96
00:31:26.000 So they get out there, look at me, and then these gay producers and assistants and line producers and directors and people working on the show, they get on their shoulders like little Rasputins. 1.00
00:31:38.000 And they go, she called you a bitch. 1.00
00:31:40.000 Are you gonna take that? 1.00
00:31:41.000 You should say something to the camera about her calling you a bitch. 1.00
00:31:44.000 And then they ply them with wine. 1.00
00:31:46.000 It's ironic, I'm plying my wife with wine, and we're watching gays ply women with wine. 1.00
00:31:50.000 I'm trying to get laid, they're trying to get drama.
00:31:53.000 And these women get annihilated, and they start fighting, and their marriages all fall apart. 0.82
00:31:58.000 Suicides abound.
00:32:00.000 Jail abounds. 1.00
00:32:01.000 The Real Housewives of New Jersey, the chick went to fucking jail. 1.00
00:32:04.000 They all seem to get divorced. 1.00
00:32:06.000 It's terrible. 1.00
00:32:07.000 It's a shitshow. 0.99
00:32:08.000 There's only like one sane one, the one on New York Housewives whose husband died. 0.99
00:32:13.000 Anyway, I can't believe I'm going on such a tangent with this. 0.97
00:32:16.000 But this guy, the Pikachu guy, Lisa Vanderpump will go to go get abused by gays and ruin all our friendships, and he'll come along. 0.94
00:32:25.000 And I'm watching the show going, dude, put Pikachu down and go home. 0.97
00:32:29.000 What are you doing here?
00:32:30.000 It's a chick's thing. 1.00
00:32:31.000 So I did that yesterday.
00:32:32.000 I was Pikachu.
00:32:34.000 And I have this problem where I know I told you I'm never a part of the group.
00:32:38.000 I'm always a freak, no matter what the group is.
00:32:40.000 The group could be all freaks, and I'd be the freak for being too normal.
00:32:45.000 And so, but, despite being told this by experience on a daily basis, I always think I'm about to show up at my gang.
00:32:54.000 I guess the Proud Boys is one of those few exceptions.
00:32:57.000 Although I'm the guy who founded it, so I am kind of weird in that situation.
00:33:00.000 But, I get invited to softball, or I say I'll come, and I assume it's gonna be like Animal House.
00:33:07.000 I thought this about college, too.
00:33:09.000 Did you guys think this?
00:33:11.000 I thought I'd go into college, I'd say goodbye to the Niedermeyer frat, and I'd go right over to John Belushi, and we would start drinking and throwing beers at the other guys who want to join, and we'd build a deathmobile and crash it into the mayor.
00:33:23.000 That's just how it's going to be. 0.95
00:33:25.000 Then I get there, and it's all losers. 0.99
00:33:28.000 It's all nerds. 0.99
00:33:29.000 They all live at home.
00:33:30.000 I was one of the only guys in my college who had moved out.
00:33:34.000 So they would just take the bus from their mommy's house to college,
00:33:39.000 Eat at the cafeteria and go home.
00:33:40.000 That's called high school, guys.
00:33:42.000 What are you doing here?
00:33:45.000 There was no frats.
00:33:46.000 Well, there was frats, but they were all normal.
00:33:49.000 And there was like sports and no one, there was no cohesion, there was no rivalry, there was no school thing.
00:33:56.000 I mean, I went to one of the worst schools in Canada, Carleton University. 0.99
00:33:59.000 But I also went to Concordia and it was the same thing, although it's a shit school also. 0.99
00:34:02.000 But anyway, there was no Animal House. 0.99
00:34:04.000 I was naive to think that.
00:34:05.000 And by the way, Animal House is a fictional story that Doug Chet, the guy who played Stork, he wrote it.
00:34:13.000 It's an amalgam of about 20 guys who are all the funniest, craziest guys in at National Lampoon, Harvard Lampoon, them all telling the craziest stories they ever heard about college from all their friends.
00:34:27.000 So say each guy knows about 20 people.
00:34:31.000 It's 400 different college experiences.
00:34:35.000 Um...
00:34:49.000 So I show up there and I have on a Trump hat, but instead of Make America Great Again, it says Don't Let Me Do Shots or Coke.
00:34:59.000 I have a Trump t-shirt I've worn on my show many times.
00:35:02.000 It has Trump on a cell phone in the 80s, so it's a giant cell phone, and it just says 1-800-Make-America-Great-Again.
00:35:08.000 And the entire shirt is a print of his face.
00:35:11.000 His face is like 10 times bigger than his actual face on the shirt.
00:35:14.000 And then I'm wearing jean short shorts that are ripped to shreds, because that's funny.
00:35:19.000 Noah Cindergaard picture socks that have his face on them that go up to my knees.
00:35:23.000 And then Chuck Taylor's low-cut whites.
00:35:29.000 And then I have my son's Star Wars lunchbox full of buds.
00:35:33.000 And I thought everyone would be like that.
00:35:37.000 And we would party and cheat and stuff.
00:35:39.000 Like when you play, when we would play sports in Canada with our friends, like soccer, we would be punching each other in the head, tackling each other, whipping the ball out of the, onto the freeway.
00:35:51.000 When we went skiing, we would just ram into each other.
00:35:54.000 We called it Chinese downhill from some movie.
00:35:56.000 And, and, and like, you just, you'd see some guy 50 feet away and you just zero in on him and knock him so hard.
00:36:03.000 His skis would be like 50 feet from where you hit him.
00:36:06.000 So I thought it'd be like that, we whipping up all each other's heads, and cheating, and yelling at the ump, and throwing beer at each other, and blaring music, blaring the Kingsman's Louie Louie.
00:36:16.000 And I get there, and it's 26 year olds.
00:36:21.000 Great people.
00:36:22.000 I don't have a problem with them.
00:36:23.000 Millennials.
00:36:25.000 One of them recognized me and said he's a fan.
00:36:27.000 So I'm in their good books now.
00:36:28.000 It's his birthday.
00:36:29.000 He seems to be one of the leaders of the group.
00:36:32.000 But the woman who organized it, she likes going to this restaurant and she said to the staff, she's closer to my age, right?
00:36:41.000 I think she's, you know, 35 or something.
00:36:44.000 She said to the staff, I'll start a baseball league. 0.70
00:36:47.000 I'll pay for the shirts and I'll be the coach and I'll run it.
00:36:49.000 And they go, sure.
00:36:50.000 I love softball.
00:36:50.000 I love baseball.
00:36:52.000 So she was old for them.
00:36:55.000 I am 47.
00:36:56.000 I'm 10 years older than her.
00:37:00.000 And I'm sitting there drinking my Star Wars beer.
00:37:03.000 I showed up to the first lady. 0.99
00:37:06.000 She's about 26. 0.98
00:37:06.000 You know, those short girls that have hair down to their ass and it's their hair is like their main thing. 0.98
00:37:11.000 It's like having a big cock or something. 1.00
00:37:13.000 Sometimes it's in a bun. 0.99
00:37:14.000 Sometimes it's down.
00:37:15.000 It's like they use it and they should, by the way, it's effective.
00:37:19.000 But she just looks at me with this look of abject horror on her face.
00:37:23.000 What?
00:37:24.000 Who is?
00:37:25.000 Why is Wilford Brimley on a hunger strike?
00:37:28.000 And why is he dressed up like a rodeo clown at my softball game?
00:37:33.000 What are you doing here, you turtle rubbed on the floor of a barbershop with glasses on? 0.97
00:37:41.000 Get out of my face! 1.00
00:37:42.000 God damn it! 1.00
00:37:45.000 So I'm trying to blend in, playing with him, and I'm just like, I do not belong here. 0.99
00:37:49.000 And sometimes, you know, you can make it work. 0.99
00:37:51.000 Like if, I've never hung out with Hells Angels, but I've hung out with bikers, and I feel like I could, the Hells Angels wouldn't like me at first, they'd think I'm a pussy. 0.99
00:38:00.000 But I feel like I could get in there in like 10 minutes, I'd do a few good gross jokes. 0.99
00:38:04.000 And it would be funny.
00:38:05.000 Sort of like Tracy Morgan and his new show on TruTV, The Last O.G.
00:38:08.000 Oh, that's what I was looking up when I went to Big Bang Theory, The Last O.G.
00:38:12.000 It's a pretty good show.
00:38:13.000 I give it a B plus.
00:38:16.000 But he, everyone thinks he's a freak because he's been away for 15 years.
00:38:19.000 Then he says a few jokes and he's in.
00:38:20.000 That's usually how it goes with the G-Dog.
00:38:22.000 But it wasn't going here and I just ended up looking up local bars, seeing where I could go.
00:38:29.000 But I played with them and it went okay.
00:38:31.000 And the takeaway here is, you gotta improve yourself.
00:38:37.000 That's what matters.
00:38:39.000 Take cold showers.
00:38:40.000 Join my beer starvation diet, where you only eat dinner every day, and if you start getting hunger pains or grumpy, you have a beer.
00:38:49.000 You end up drinking a lot more beer, but beer doesn't get you drunk.
00:38:53.000 If beer gets you drunk in America, you have a problem.
00:38:57.000 Um, but yeah, you lose weight, you get in shape. 1.00
00:39:00.000 We all need to get off our fucking phones. 0.99
00:39:04.000 When you get home, put them in a bucket or something. 1.00
00:39:06.000 I would suggest a lockbox.
00:39:08.000 It's worked great for us.
00:39:09.000 Although still, they'll find my wife's phone and all.
00:39:12.000 So I have to disband my wife to put her own phone away. 1.00
00:39:15.000 I think we should though.
00:39:17.000 You might miss a few texts.
00:39:19.000 Well, you can intermittently go up and check it.
00:39:23.000 And as far as other people appreciating you and you being popular, it's not gonna happen, buddy.
00:39:29.000 I'm talking to me and you at the same time.
00:39:29.000 Sorry.
00:39:33.000 You just gotta be you.
00:39:34.000 Like, when I showed up at that softball game, I didn't feel bad.
00:39:37.000 It's not like I... Oh, everyone was wearing black, by the way.
00:39:39.000 No one told me that minor detail.
00:39:41.000 The team, they didn't have their t-shirts yet, so they're supposed to be in black.
00:39:44.000 So I am blinding.
00:39:46.000 I look like a 90s hipster. 0.84
00:39:48.000 Like those guys that went, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot.
00:39:52.000 You know those guys?
00:39:53.000 It's like Quincy Jones' son.
00:39:55.000 I looked like that when 90s hipsters would wear blue, like orange skinny jeans and a death metal t-shirt with purple Ray-Ban frames.
00:40:05.000 I was dressed in that era and they were dressed in black.
00:40:07.000 It looked like a prank, actually.
00:40:09.000 But I didn't feel bad.
00:40:10.000 I thought it was funny. 1.00
00:40:12.000 And if you have a problem with Trump, you can go fuck yourself. 1.00
00:40:15.000 I feel like a lot of marriage, too, as far as socializing, is husbands saying to their wives who are uncomfortable about going to a dinner party or going to meet new people or going to a housewarming, honey, if they hate us, they can go fuck themselves. 1.00
00:40:28.000 We haven't done anything wrong. 0.99
00:40:29.000 We're not pedophiles.
00:40:32.000 We don't advocate for genocide.
00:40:35.000 We're not members of the American Nazi Party.
00:40:37.000 So we're not even Jehovah's Witnesses.
00:40:40.000 We're not remotely weird when it comes to bonafide weird traits.
00:40:44.000 So just enjoy yourself.
00:40:45.000 Walk in like Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack and say, Hey, what's up?
00:40:50.000 Oh, someone stepped on a duck.
00:40:52.000 It revel in their hatred like Roger Stone does.
00:40:56.000 Enjoy it!
00:40:57.000 That's- other countries have to worry about class.
00:40:59.000 Like Britain has to worry about, hello, hello.
00:41:01.000 You want to have this accent, please.
00:41:04.000 We don't have to do that. 1.00
00:41:05.000 We built a culture, and when I say a culture, I mean all the entire Western world, of fuck them if they can't take a joke. 0.99
00:41:11.000 Yet recently we've been sitting here worrying about jokes. 0.99
00:41:14.000 Worrying about how we're interpreted.
00:41:16.000 Worrying about someone taking something out of context.
00:41:18.000 That is a total and utter waste of time.
00:41:21.000 America, love it or leave it.
00:41:23.000 And then as far as you go, love me or leave me.
00:41:28.000 Take it or lump it.
00:41:29.000 You gotta take the crunchy with the smooth, I suppose, as Billy Bragg says.
00:41:34.000 And the idea of tiptoeing around people, it chips away at your soul and gives you cancer.
00:41:38.000 It's not healthy. 1.00
00:41:40.000 It's a lot more fun to just be a complete and total fucking asshole. 1.00
00:41:48.000 Thank you for tuning in, folks. 1.00
00:41:49.000 We have four shows of Get Off My Lawn this week. 1.00
00:41:53.000 Then, CRTV Tonight is the following week.
00:41:57.000 Working on some guests for that.
00:41:58.000 I'm not sure how much I should give away.
00:42:00.000 I'll save it.
00:42:01.000 I'll save some of these secrets, but it'll be a fun show.
00:42:05.000 And tonight on Get Off My Lawn, we've got a jam-packed show with Ram Rantz, Michael J. Knowles, and a woman who wrote an amazing article about how being childless ain't all it's cracked up to be, Melanie Notkin, a fellow Montrealer who now lives in New York.
00:42:24.000 And that's all available at CRTV.com.
00:42:27.000 I like you more than a friend, and I will see you Friday.