When you become 47, almost half a century old, you go, "I should try some pot" right? And then when you become a millennial, you start smoking pot? And then your wife and I should try to get some pot? And we'll smoke a spliff that's the size of a hockey player's sock full of Christmas treats on December 24th. And then we'll watch a horror movie and poop our pants and then make love and then we make love. It'll be more sensual, we'll also watch maybe a comedy and be more giggly pants. How about these people that just smoke a gram at work like John Serino? I remember it from my heyday when I used to deal it when I was in college. But let's get some of that marijuana going again, shall we? We'll smoke some "Doobie" again, and we'll drink a scary movie, and make love, and then poo our pants. And you don't even realize how totally self-indulgent this is? I'm realizing now that this is my second podcast and I'm doing this the way I do this. I may be repeating things I said in my first podcast. I don't miss my age, by the time I get to my age. I may have to do a thing where I try to do this a second time. That's like Wayne Gretzky vs. Gav vs. Gretzki. I mean, Gav and I play a song that I make a video of us beating me at hockey and then I beat him at hockey. That's a little bit better than Gav beats me at Gav plays me in a hockey game and then Gav tries to beat me at me in hockey and Gav does it better than I do it like that in a song he makes me beat me like that. It's like a song I make me beat Gav has a song about Gav v Gav. And you And you and you And You And you that's my jam, that s my jam. Do you like that song? I would like to know what you think of that song Gav's jam? Gav & I would love to make a song like that Gav makes me do that? And Gav gets annihilated by Gav s stoned and Gave me a song and I get annihilated in a studio to make me some of my jam?
Transcript
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00:00:01.000Do you ever write a song when you're baked?
00:00:16.000When you're young, you go, I gotta stop smoking so much pot.
00:00:20.000And then when you become 47, almost half a century old, you go, I should talk to some of these millennials that are smoking marijuana and try to procure some.
00:00:31.000And then my wife and I should maybe get a one hit or some sort of a bong device and start doing marijuana.
00:01:47.000I was lying on the cement trying to get cold into my torso because I was dying.
00:01:52.000Because I was higher than like five hits of LSD.
00:01:57.000And I thought, I don't want to call 911 because I don't like the idea of being in a gurney right now and having to go to the hospital and being operated on, whatever they do.
00:02:08.000It was just the idea of guys, like EMT dudes, picking me up, putting me on the gurney, taking me in the elevator, going downstairs, getting in, even that, even that part.
00:04:21.000I tried to get Dan Keys, that's a musician, and Andrew WK to give me some of their studio time where I would get annihilated, baked, stoned.
00:04:34.000And then you take that song that I make and we make a song.
00:04:38.000And I'm realizing now how totally self-indulgent that fantasy is.
00:04:43.000That's like saying to Wayne Gretzky, let's do a thing where I play you, I try to beat you at hockey and then you beat me and then we make a video of us like it's Gav versus Gretzky.
00:05:03.000When you get to my age, by the way, this is my second try doing this podcast and I, I, uh, I may have, I may be repeating things that I said in the first time, but.
00:05:15.000Um, I don't, I don't miss marijuana, but when you get to be my age, 47, you, on your to-do list, one of your New Year's resolutions is, I would like to get back on the marijuana train.
00:06:54.000And I'm sorry if I've already said that story, but I can't remember.
00:06:57.000There's actually a video of me doing it, where I smoked a big, huge bong hit at Rooster, when I had that ad agency Rooster, and it was... Oh, God.
00:07:13.000Maybe it's because when you get older you don't like being out of control.
00:07:17.000You know, the idea of doing mushrooms or LSD or even MDMA at this age.
00:07:22.000It was fun when you were 21 and they thought you could bankrupt me, sue me, kill me, I don't give a shit.
00:07:29.000But now when you have, you know, mortgages and properties and taxes and children and you're worried about their education, the idea of being on acid.
00:07:39.000Oh my god, I want to puke just thinking about it.
00:07:51.000I remember when I was dating my wife, um, we smoked some dubes and we watched The Others.
00:08:00.000Which, I don't like when I bring this up with people and they go, oh man, you didn't figure out that movie at the first fucking 10 minutes?
00:13:02.000When they run out, they start taking water from the brain and using that valuable brain water, water that would normally be up there in the top of your head.
00:13:11.000So your brain's dehydrated when you wake up because they used up all the brain water to clean the blood.
00:13:17.000There's a lot of cleaning that's got to go on.
00:13:19.000You drank a lot of rotten corn, my friend.
00:13:24.000So, when you wake up at 4 in the morning with night terrors and horrible thoughts about your children being killed and all this horrible shit, go chug water, milk, whatever.
00:13:34.000And not only will you not be hungover in the morning, but you'll be able to go back to sleep.
00:13:37.000And just look at your phone for 40 minutes.
00:13:39.000You're not going back to sleep for 40 minutes.
00:14:12.000Probably because it happened in, like, the 60s and 70s and stuff, and even 50s, and the Cold War, and everyone was worried about radiation.
00:14:20.000Maybe that's why Stan Lee came up with all these radioactive wastes.
00:14:25.000There was a truck going through the Bronx.
00:14:28.000I think Stan Lee's a New Yorker, so everyone's in New York, like Spider-Man.
00:14:32.000And it was turning a corner, and toxic sludge came out of the truck and hit Daredevil in the eyes, blinding him, but making him super-duper.
00:15:05.000And he was standing looking at every chemical in the world like the periodic table of the elements in beakers, which I'm not sure is even possible, and there was a lightning storm and lightning hit the shelf of the periodic table of the elements, fell on him, and then the next day he's running for a bus and just goes past it and he goes, holy shit, I'm the Flash.
00:15:31.000The premise is this scientist guy, who's like me, kind of a fuck up.
00:15:38.000He wants to create an X-Men type scenario.
00:15:42.000And he's rich, so he has a big mansion out in the Hamptons.
00:15:47.000And he wants to have a team of superheroes.
00:15:52.000But he only knows, like, a... Well, he gets a bunch of good guys together.
00:15:57.000Athletes, smart people, scientists, astronauts, retired astronauts, and, you know, some cool black guy who's, like, good at track, and a couple friends, and some tough guys.
00:16:32.000He assembles a team, and he says, alright guys, and they all agree to it, they sign waivers and stuff, and he goes, I'm gonna make the new X-Men.
00:16:39.000The name of the show, by the way, is Y-Men.
00:17:26.000It's a quarter-century prank that I'm involved in, and it involved many of our own Whack Packers that Don Barris accumulated, and he calls them the, um...
00:17:57.000It becomes, like, High Pitch Eric, Beetlejuice, Wendy the Retard, all these whack-packers that drunk Jeff the Drunk, they are all accidents after you set up this booth, this
00:18:50.000And he goes in there and he starts singing and he was gonna have this incredible voice that could like shatter stuff and control the universe and make trucks fly through the air but you know the radiation fucks up and he becomes High Pitch Eric.
00:19:44.000But he feels beholden to these people because before they were whack-packers, they were his friends, they were his peers, they were his fellow scientists, they were athletes, they were ex-MI5, ex-Navy SEALs, ex-Marines, like they were the cream of the crop of America.
00:20:02.000And maybe you show, maybe you have actors that look like high pitch Eric and you juxtapose them with like things they did but ultimately you'd have to just let these freaks you know do their own thing and then sort of in post you'd have to create a plot for that particular episode because wrangling these people would be like wrangling cats and that's why most TV execs would probably say no because no one wants to deal with these people.
00:20:29.000Before he died, getting him to go anywhere was a nightmare, and he needed his van, and his parents had to be there, and they all have medication.
00:20:39.000Like, even if someone pitched this to me, and I was Howard Stern, I'd go, great idea, but I'm not dealing with these fucking lunatics.
00:21:14.000And I remember there was a, one of the dudes had cerebral palsy or something and he couldn't have been more handicapped.
00:21:23.000Like his normal demeanor was like someone being tased.
00:21:27.000And Terry Richardson did the shoot and he had a leather jacket on with his collar up.
00:21:33.000And Terry just was taking a bunch of shots and one of the pictures had this guy just looking like James Dean.
00:21:41.000Like for all his facial contortions, just when the click happened, his face happened to just, it was that split second a day where he looked really cool.
00:21:53.000And I said, dude would have been a badass if it wasn't for cerebral palsy.
00:21:58.000And the guy, the handler, I called him back then, but I don't use such horrible terms now, the comrade, the facilitator, said he was mad at me for that photo caption.
00:23:22.000When someone who's in a wheelchair, where they have to strap your ankles to the base of it,
00:23:30.000It's like that time we were in Toronto visiting my brother up there and we were wearing MAGA hats and we were in a bar I think it's called Pharmacy or something?
00:24:14.000This happens all the time, by the way, when we wear MAGA hats, and when I see women mad, first of all, I have a buzz, because I'm Scottish, and I'm ready to brawl.
00:24:23.000So, if it's someone, like, slightly bigger than me and slightly heavier than me, the adrenaline starts going and I go, this is it, boys, this might be it.
00:25:00.000And I was marveling at that emotion, because it's weird to have someone screaming at you, wanting to kill you, and to feel nothing but serenity.
00:25:09.000Like, I could... She could have been doing that, and I could have been a Japanese calligrapher working on some of my characters, and my characters would have still looked good.
00:26:55.000You know she's not going to slit your throat.
00:26:59.000So, I've told this story a million times, but, um, I said to my brother, uh, you know, and you know it's not going to get dangerous, you know she doesn't have a knife.
00:27:09.000And then some liberal dude next to him goes, oh yeah?
00:27:22.000She went out tonight, she put her makeup on, her purse, and then she was like, oh yeah, don't let me forget my buck knife with the brass knuckle handle and the bloodletting divots on the side that are for slitting bears' throats, where I can really drain the blood after I hit your juggler.
00:28:09.000Our pints are moving across the bar like an earthquake because he's pounding the bar so hard saying dogs don't have knives.
00:28:16.000By the way, this story is so old and I've told it so many times that people made t-shirts that say dogs don't have knives and it features a dog with a knife in his mouth.
00:30:47.000And then I'm watching the rest of the video and Joe Rogan is there with like Michael Moore and all these other cool guys as examples of cool radicals.
00:31:03.000I mean, he doesn't hate Islam as much as I do, but he's a pretty, you know, I was gonna say pretty open-minded dude, meaning those are the bad guys these days, the open-minders, like Jordan Peterson.
00:31:16.000I saw a thing today, he was in some debate, they're called the Merski debates or something, and the criticism from him was from some black academic, and they go, you're nothing but a mean white man.
00:31:39.000My brother was telling me a story the other day where he was at a bar and this 60 year old woman was touching his face and she goes, we need to work with this.
00:33:04.000So that guy, he's got kicked out of his office space, his law firm's being attacked, and he's called a racist, by the way, which is a British thing.
00:33:12.000Brits used to have this thing where if you hate a group like, say, the Amish, then you're a racist, even though you're white and they're white.
00:33:20.000Racist over there means a group that you said a bad thing about.
00:36:25.000And by the way, we all talk like that in bars.
00:36:27.000Like even in a serious note, we've said, uh, my wife, you know, or my wife, I'm not talking about my wife, but a lady jerking you off, you know, it's, she can't really do too much damage, but what about like some big bodybuilder jerking you off and he's maybe drunk and he's in a bad mood?
00:36:42.000Couldn't he just not rip it off, but tear it at the seams?
00:36:47.000Couldn't he do some damage to the base?
00:36:49.000That's a, that's both true and hilarious as a concept and worth exploring.
00:36:56.000That's my problem with all this shit, is we're becoming anti-exploring.
00:37:00.000Maybe that's... It's funny that we're smoking a lot of pot, yet we've become so incurious.
00:37:07.000Because pot is about that scene in Animal House where Donald Sutherland, and by the way, I'm him with AIDS, is sitting around and they say, we could all just be in the molecule of a giant's pinky.
00:38:07.000Drugs and alcohol shaped my personality because I think that pot and hallucinogenic drugs made me curious and able to, they made me capable of counterintuitive thinking, where someone can say more guns, less crime.
00:38:23.000And I go, huh, that doesn't make sense, but let me mull that over.
00:38:34.000And also, booze, you can get to a level of booze, like half a bottle of bourbon, where it's sort of like pot and you can get introspective and confront fears.
00:40:11.000I believe rock and roll, and I got this from Jim Goad,
00:40:14.000is the rage of African slaves and their drum beats, and the rage of white slaves, the Irish, and their guitars.
00:40:23.000And that disenfranchised ostracization met in a perfect storm, and you had rage on guitar, rage on drums, boom-ba-dum-ba-jam-ba-jam-jam, boom-ba-dum-ba-jam-ba-jam, teenage rebels, woo-woo-woo!
00:40:38.000It's funny that I chose the Stray Cats as an example of that.
00:42:18.000I mean, I did so much LSD and hallucinogenic mushrooms, magic mushrooms as a young man, that when I have the hiccups, I can just go, I do not want these anymore.
00:44:23.000And so when there's a crack in the cement, the water goes in.
00:44:28.000It feeds this dead bacteria dust and the food around it, that comes alive, I guess mixes with, oh yeah, it's like calcium or something, and then it seals the hole.
00:44:40.000That's a person who is thinking outside the box.
00:44:45.000We have to remember that being offensive and being rude and saying horrible things to people is totally healthy and good.